0:01

Dungeons & Daddies, not a BDSM podcast,

0:03

is hitting the road this summer from

0:05

May 31st through June 14th. We're

0:08

due in part two of our US Live tour.

0:11

I can't hope that the name for this

0:13

one is called The Areas Tour.

0:15

Very good. Dungeons & Daddies, The

0:17

Areas Tour, feet Taylor Swift. We're

0:19

hitting the road again, Midwest and

0:21

East Coast states on sale, tickets

0:24

are available now. We're starting up

0:26

in St. Paul, Minnesota. We'll go

0:28

to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Pelham,

0:30

Tennessee, Atlanta. New York, Philadelphia and

0:32

Boston. Wow. More info on our

0:34

website, dungeonsanddaddies.com/ live. A-Cast

0:43

powers the world's best podcast.

0:46

Here's a show that we recommend. Do

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you like being educated on things that entertain but

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don't matter? Well, then you need to be listening

0:54

to the podcast with Nox and Jamie. Every Wednesday,

0:56

we put together an episode dedicated to delightful idiocy

0:59

to give your brain a break from all the

1:01

serious and important stuff. Whether we're deep

1:03

diving a classic movie, dissecting the true meanings

1:05

behind the newest slang, or dunking on our

1:07

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a-cast.com. Dungeons

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and Daddies is a rowdy, horny,

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violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings

1:43

can be found in the episode

1:45

description. Beachyville

2:00

PD, Penny Pickett speaking, don't you know?

2:03

Are you alone, comrade? Make it

2:05

quick. There was a shootout at the cinema, so

2:07

bring in the suspects in now. Your

2:09

request for extraction is approved, Agent.

2:12

Thank God. I mean, Stalin.

2:14

Thanks, Stalin. Gather your

2:16

files on Project Heartland. Your contact

2:18

will meet you tonight. His

2:21

initials are TC. TC?

2:24

Are you sure? Yes.

2:26

TC, tonight. He'll be

2:29

wearing a... We'll ask

2:31

the media of all this, I'll send me at

2:33

once, you jack-booted fuck man! That's Sergeant Silva to

2:35

you, mister. One more for the clink, Miss Pickett.

2:37

Just a second there, dearie. I have to

2:40

go. Thank you, comrade. Thank

2:42

you. Well,

2:53

I dare say the mouse has bitten the cheese, sir.

2:58

What happens next, sir, is I rendezvous with Miss

3:00

Pickett, posing as TC of KGB contact, and this

3:02

time tomorrow she'll be in the custody of MI6.

3:05

Not a little operation will have netted a

3:07

Soviet spy and vital intelligence on the American

3:09

operation to contact Zuzell. Precisely,

3:13

sir. The plan is airtight. Except,

3:16

of course, for the minuscule chance that in the next two

3:18

hours or so, she meets a

3:20

completely different man with the initials TC, who's

3:22

such a total fucking idiot, that

3:24

when she asks if he's a Soviet spy,

3:27

he says yes. A

3:30

long shot to be sure, sir, but you know more

3:32

than most how impulsive these yanks can be, don't you?

3:35

Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

3:54

D the

4:00

Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM

4:02

podcast. This is a

4:04

Call of Cthulhu actual play podcast.

4:07

This season, the Peachyville Horror. Call

4:09

of Cthulhu actual play, horror comedy podcast

4:11

about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces

4:14

of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My

4:17

name is Freddie Wong. I play fast talking

4:19

car dealer, Tony Collette. Hi,

4:21

Freddie. Very jolly. My job.

4:23

Yeah, you get really, I wish your voice stayed that

4:25

way throughout the whole episode. You come in really hot

4:27

and heavy. You're telling me that I lose it. It's

4:30

just like, you get in a map. You gotta give

4:32

me a little reminder. Look over and be like, you

4:34

gotta get that hot two-wee. You know, they're really strong.

4:37

Hot two-wee, hot two-wee, hot two-wee, that's the

4:39

way I sound. Oh

4:44

no. This

4:47

week's Tony fact, a lot of questions.

4:49

I'm so old. I know that. Damn.

4:52

I know. That's over your spitting like

4:54

a cat in a 1930s cartoon. Hot two-wee.

4:56

Yeah, he's certainly not spitting like. He's

4:58

sucking dick. Yeah. This week's

5:01

Tony Collette fact, a

5:03

lot of questions in the air about

5:06

Tony. Is he a communist spy? Tony

5:09

is absolutely not a dirty communist. However,

5:11

you may have caught some questions about

5:13

his provenance, how he got here. Well,

5:15

let's talk about how Tony got Tony's

5:17

cars. Originally,

5:21

Tony got this car dealership. He bought it

5:23

off of the prior owner, a shady cat

5:25

by the name of Gary

5:28

Indiana. I just love using it as

5:30

a name now. He bought it straight

5:32

cash. And here's the

5:34

thing, most of his income comes

5:36

from actually cash rentals to the

5:38

teenagers around town, which he has

5:40

not been reporting to the IRS.

5:42

Instead, what he reports is the

5:44

occasional sale of a car once

5:46

it's become too fucking cum draggled

5:48

to fucking rent again. Jesus Christ goodness.

5:51

You think Tony's cleaning them between

5:53

rentals? No, he's selling this cum

5:55

draggled car to Freddie. And who's

5:57

buying it? Yeah. Oh, the shadiest

5:59

individual. The kinds of people who

6:01

don't care that there are stains and smells in

6:03

their car, and I leave it up to your

6:05

imagination, dear listener, as to what kind of ne'er-do-wells

6:09

might be interested in a getaway

6:12

car. Sneaky Pete. Sneaky Pete, maybe.

6:14

Yeah. Oh. You're assuming that

6:16

Sneaky Pete travels through Euclidean spaces. And

6:18

what's the use of a car in Euclidean? We are

6:20

in a non-Euclidean system. I want somebody to do a

6:22

Photoshop of like a Snapple cap with all the text

6:24

of one of Freddy's facts on it. Just. What?

6:29

What is this? Sorry, what is this? Is

6:31

it a fashion log? That's the problem, Matthew?

6:33

I'm giving people too much juice. I love

6:35

it. I'm giving people too much crystal to

6:37

sink their teeth into. What the fuck is wrong with you,

6:39

Matt? That's what the people want. They

6:41

want Lore. I love it. Don't you get it?

6:44

Kids love Lore, dude? Have you seen the Skim

6:46

of the Toilet series? There's whole videos about Lore. Lore

6:48

is in right now, bro. Lore's

6:51

so fucking in. Hey, everybody.

6:53

My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play

6:55

Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school marm.

6:57

And remember, homework doesn't have to feel like

6:59

work, nor do you have to do it

7:02

at home. So, you know, that's

7:04

all. Little thanks. Wait, say

7:06

that again? Homework doesn't have to feel like

7:08

work, and you don't have to do it

7:10

at home either. If you sit on

7:12

your hand first, it feels like someone else is doing it at home.

7:14

No. You know, you can do fun

7:16

park. You can go to a park and have fun.

7:18

Fun park? You'll like have fun. Point is, this doesn't

7:20

have to feel like work. Anyway. Part

7:23

fun is what people are doing with Tony's fucking powers.

7:26

A little quick Kelsey Grammer lore. Oh, a lore

7:28

drop. Yeah, it's a lore drop. It's actually important

7:31

because I kind of fumbled this in, like, episode

7:33

one or two, and I just want to clarify it

7:35

almost as much for me to remember it. So

7:38

Kelsey lives in the back house of her sister. I think I

7:40

say brother by accident. She had an

7:42

older brother, but he died in the war. And she

7:44

lives in the back house of her sister and her

7:46

husband, who are named Roz and Niles. And

7:49

those are the parents of Milton. Milton's parents, Roz

7:51

and Niles. And she is a plagiarist, as we

7:53

learned last episode. Hey, don't

7:56

talk about that now. That's not what we're talking about.

8:00

I can't just come into my fact. Hey

8:03

Anthony, what's your fact? Really quick, Francis is

8:06

a fucking weenie. Just bring up negative aspects

8:08

about the characters during their facts, Will. I

8:10

think it's Beth's turn next, Matt. No. No,

8:12

it never is. No, no, no. We

8:15

saved the Beth for last. Wow. I'm

8:19

Anthony Birch, I play Francis Farnsworth, the

8:21

most bullied kid in Peachyville. And

8:23

my teen fact, or my Peachy fact

8:25

is that Your lore drop.

8:27

Sorry, my lore drop. Peachy lore drop.

8:30

The lore drop. Skippity

8:32

toilet episode 75 explained is

8:35

that Francis' biggest crush

8:38

is the film star Ingrid Bergman. When

8:40

he saw Casablanca, he fell madly

8:42

in love. And a kid at school said that, hey,

8:45

he has a really sexy picture of Ingrid Bergman that

8:47

he can give you for 20 bucks. 20

8:49

bucks? 20 bucks, it's like a

8:51

house. He said it would be worth

8:53

it. And he gave the 20 bucks, and it turned

8:55

out to be a picture of Ingmar Bergman. I knew

8:57

it. Wow. Was it sexy? Now Francis is really attracted

8:59

to Ingmar Bergman, and he is trying to find a

9:01

copy of The Seventh Seal to watch, because you've never

9:04

seen it. About $260 he paid for that. Yeah,

9:07

worth it. Worth everybody. Hello, my

9:09

name is Beth May, and

9:11

I play Trudy Trout, doting

9:14

wife, homemaker, mother of 2.5 beautiful

9:17

children. Fun lore drop

9:20

about Trudy. Is that

9:22

Trudy is a robot. That

9:25

is. Beth,

9:28

how did it feel finally dropping this piece

9:30

of lore? Now Trudy is on. Nobody saw

9:33

coming. Dude, I'm just getting

9:35

the car started. It felt like hopping in a

9:37

cum soaked car for a test drive, and I

9:39

know I've got a long way to go. Love

9:42

it. Hey, Freddie, did it hurt when

9:44

your lore dropped from heaven? I

9:47

just want to say really quick that if you search

9:50

for Ingmar Bergman, a sexy picture, it's

9:52

only pictures of famous actresses in his movies. It's

9:54

in fact very hard to find a picture of

9:56

Ingmar Bergman looking anything other than pretty bad. Maybe

10:00

Francis has a different definition of what sex. That's

10:02

true. This guy gets to hang out with all

10:04

these sexy ladies. Oh, never mind.

10:06

He's definitely not into this guy. Yeah,

10:08

I told you. Yeah,

10:12

he's like, oh, I'm masking, so judgy. Oh,

10:14

OK. Oh, no, no, no, no. No smiles

10:16

on a summer night for this guy. Hello,

10:18

everyone. I'm Will Campos. I'm your daddy, oh,

10:20

master. Hi, daddy. Oh,

10:22

my spooky, terrifying

10:26

fact. The scariest fact I've yet

10:28

dropped. Oh, my goodness. In

10:30

order to level up in Call of

10:33

Cthulhu, you're supposed to keep track of

10:35

the skills you've been using over

10:37

the course of the scenario, and then you make

10:39

a role to see if you want to improve

10:41

one of those skills. Any one of those? The

10:43

fact, scary daddy, or fact of the day is

10:45

that all of you have homework, and

10:47

you have to go back and figure out what skills you've

10:49

been using so far so we can level you guys up.

10:51

That's awesome. So if I roll over the skill limit, then

10:53

I get to level it up, or what to do? Yes,

10:55

that's how it works. Any time we use a skill, we

10:57

can level it up? No. It

11:00

works. What? How it works. How it works. How it

11:02

works. How it works is

11:04

we're going to do at the start of next

11:06

episode. It's very fun, what I'm explaining right now.

11:09

Hurry up. Hurry up. I'm on the edge of

11:11

my seat. Hurry up. Give me the crunch, daddy-o.

11:13

At the start of next episode, I, the Keeper,

11:15

will say, roll for skill increases. And at that

11:17

time, at that time, each of you can

11:26

roll a percentage dice against any skills that you

11:28

used over the last couple of months. Oh, sorry.

11:30

I really just beat. And remember, everybody, homework doesn't

11:32

have to be done at home. It doesn't have

11:34

to feel like work, Beth. Now

11:37

hold on. So for any of the skills, plural, like

11:39

all the things we use. That you use. It's like

11:41

you used them so you got better at them, right?

11:43

So for example, everyone you spot hit. So you'll have

11:45

a chance if you want to improve spot hitting, you'll

11:47

roll the dice against your spot hitting score. And if

11:49

it's higher than your score, you get to roll it up.

11:52

And we'll get to do that for one skill. One skill.

11:54

OK, so we only have to know one skill we've used.

11:56

Yeah. We don't have to know all the skills. Yeah,

11:58

we just don't want to listen. This

12:01

pocket cool. I every

12:03

homework is done. We all use my head. They

12:05

all got better Spot

12:09

it is whole campaign Fucking

12:19

pistol and halo dude You

12:21

need Well,

12:28

let me see is there a hidden fucking weak point

12:30

is there a hidden spell and I see it Fuck

12:33

yeah, what dice do we roll if we do exceed

12:35

the number? It is a 1d10 to

12:38

increase the skills value Okay, cool. So

12:40

look forward to that and Right now

12:50

So am I am I Are

12:55

you guys doing spy hidden You

12:57

can see everything for me. Yeah. Yeah, we only need

13:00

one evil for that. We only need one on the

13:02

eye That's right. We should really split

13:04

up our classes. Okay, I'll be the spy hidden as

13:06

a famous class Be

13:12

healer, I feel like Tony klutz

13:15

a good tank. Yeah, I'll just know you should be

13:17

spot hidden You're looking for those commies. I'll be

13:19

the tank. I'm the big. What's your baseline spot in we can just

13:21

boring Let's get into it We level

13:23

up next time next time deal this time on

13:25

gun Tons of dough make sure at the end

13:27

of the episode throw to the fact that we're

13:29

gonna be rolling Cliff hanger of

13:31

this episode is gonna be Time

13:34

to reprepare the next episode because you can't

13:36

hide anything in your fucking game That's

13:39

why you can't get such a time cuz you're like we want

13:41

shit dog We're

13:43

gonna be buying a bunch of invisible monsters soon. Oh,

13:46

no also supplemental bonus peachy fact I'm

13:48

gonna be guest starring on many sighted

13:50

media's new improv comedy podcast Bitcher tin

13:53

It's like Bridgerton only bitch here. The

13:55

pilot episode is out right now. It's

13:57

fucking hilarious. They've got a Kickstarter going

14:00

Seriously though, if you like Sons and Sons

14:02

ability and have been dying for more Regency-era

14:04

routiness, give it a listen, support their show

14:06

over at bitcherton.com. You are gonna love it.

14:09

All right, does anyone wanna play Call of Cthulhu?

14:11

Let's do it. Let's go, babe. Yeah, do it.

14:13

Do it. Do it. Do it.

14:16

Do it. Do it. Do it.

14:19

Do it. We're once again in sort of

14:21

a split party scenario. I was thinking we

14:23

would start, I don't know, maybe with Trudy.

14:25

Okay. So at the end of the last

14:27

episode, you had a screwdriver plunged into the

14:29

back of your neck. Boy,

14:31

are my arms tired. Here's

14:34

where we'll take this from. You are

14:36

lying in the passenger seat of the

14:38

Thunderbird as it's driving down this long,

14:40

dark highway road. You can see, you

14:44

cannot move your body at all. And

14:47

Tucker's driving the car. You're not

14:49

sure where he's going. You can talk, by the way. Oh,

14:51

I can talk. You can speak, yeah. So my mouth can

14:53

move. Tucker,

14:56

where are we going? We're going on a

14:58

trip, dear. Oh, a trip? Yes. Like

15:01

the vacations on the commercials. That's

15:03

right. We're going to be going on a little vacation

15:05

together. Oh yes. This is

15:07

the perfect thing to make our

15:09

family just bright, shiny, and new

15:12

again. Yes. It'll

15:14

be you, me, and our 2.5 beautiful ch- Where

15:17

are they? I already sent them ahead and

15:19

they're going to- Oh, wow. They'll see

15:21

where we're going. Unaccompanied minors. He

15:24

turns on his signal, his turn signal, and

15:27

pulls off onto a dirt road, and

15:29

starts bounding up sort of like a dirt trail kind of chugging

15:31

along up a hill into the forest. It's

15:34

dark out here. Yes. This

15:36

is just like, do you remember when we visited Niagara Falls on our

15:38

honeymoon deer? Oh yes.

15:40

I do. I do. I do

15:42

remember that. And you told me,

15:44

you told me that you would be with me forever.

15:48

I did say that, yeah. And I was. And

15:51

I always will be. I want you to know that I

15:54

love you, honey, and everything's just going to be great.

15:56

We're going to figure it out. I

15:59

love you, Tucker. So he's kind of bounding

16:01

up this road, and you hit

16:03

a jostle, and then you kind of slump forward,

16:05

and you realize you can't pick yourself back up.

16:07

Oh, honey, honey, there's something.

16:10

I'm hurt. I'm hurt. There's something wrong with

16:12

me. I can't move. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, dear.

16:14

Let me sit you back. You don't remember. You had a,

16:16

there's just, there's a little something wrong, and we're going to

16:18

take care of it, but it's going to be OK. OK.

16:22

Maybe we should stop at the infirmary before we

16:24

go on vacation, where I can get all patched

16:26

up, and then I can try

16:29

on my new swimming costume,

16:31

bathing suit. That's right,

16:33

your new swimming costume. OK, you

16:35

know it. That's a good idea, and that's where we're going.

16:37

We're taking a quick stop to the ER first. There's a

16:39

doctor here, and he's going to help you out. OK,

16:42

great. And he pulls up and puts

16:44

his car in park next to what appears

16:46

to be like an old abandoned mine. Oh.

16:49

Yep, the doctor's right in here. He's right this

16:51

way, sweetie. So just don't worry. Everything's going to

16:53

be OK. And he unbuckles his seat.

16:56

His hands are shaking. He gets out of the car

16:58

and walks over to your side of the car. Tucker,

17:01

where are we really? Tucker

17:04

opens the door and unbuckles your seat and kind of

17:07

scoops you up into his arms. I told you, silly,

17:09

we're going on a vacation. Well,

17:11

this is just you said we were going to

17:13

the ER, and

17:16

we're not there at all. We're

17:18

in an abandoned. We're out in the middle

17:20

of nowhere. Does anybody know that we're here?

17:22

Are we lost? Help! Honey, we're

17:25

not lost. Everything's going to be OK. It's

17:27

all going to make sense in just a

17:29

second or two. And he starts walking into

17:31

this tunnel. It quickly becomes very dark in

17:33

here. It's like kind of musty smells. Do

17:37

you see a bunch of old sharp broken pieces of wood,

17:39

like mining equipment and stuff like that? And he's just going

17:41

deeper and deeper into this tunnel. Tucker,

17:45

please turn around. It's OK, honey.

17:47

It's going to be OK. It's not. It's

17:50

help! Help! Maybe

17:52

you're not even. So he presses your

17:55

ear, and your voice just disappears. It's

17:57

like he's turning a volume knob down

17:59

on you. can only speak in like a

18:01

whisper. He stops and it's

18:03

like pitch dark. And he's

18:06

breathing heavily and he looks down at you. He

18:08

says, Trudy, I

18:10

love you. And he drops

18:12

you down a mine shaft. And

18:15

you fall, and you

18:17

fall, and then

18:19

you smash into the ground. It

18:22

feels like a big jagged pile of

18:25

metal and rock that you slam into. So

18:27

go ahead and what's your HP? OK,

18:30

give me a 1D10. Don't roll a 10. OK,

18:34

so you slam into this pile

18:37

of debris. It kind of broke

18:39

your fall a little bit. You felt this wind rushing and

18:42

you just smashed into this thing. But you

18:44

feel this sharp pain and you swear

18:46

you feel something just kind of burst

18:49

straight through your chest as you land. And

18:53

you start to see something spark. And

18:55

you realize that it's you that's sparking. Something

18:57

inside of you is made of wires. And

19:01

there's sparks and arcing going on. And it

19:03

seems to be wrapping. Well, electrical arcs are

19:05

going up the thing that impaled you. And

19:07

when you look at it, it's

19:09

a hand. It's a rusty

19:11

kind of skeletal metal hand. And

19:14

glinting on it is a ring. And

19:18

you swear it looks almost identical to

19:20

your wedding ring. Oh my. That's

19:23

what is that? Your head kind of

19:25

lulls back. And the sparking

19:27

that's going on in the room, you see these little

19:29

flashes of light. And you can kind of look around

19:31

you and strewn about the room. You

19:34

see the rusting, decaying remnants of

19:36

half a dozen, for lack of

19:38

a better term, skeletons. They seem

19:40

to be wearing clothes like you're

19:42

wearing, like kind of housewifey clothes,

19:44

except they're moldering, moth-eaten rags at

19:46

this point. Their shattered bones reveal

19:48

bits of wire and steel poking

19:50

out beneath waxy, synthetic flesh. And

19:53

you can't quite make out their faces or their

19:55

eyes, but none of them are moving. Can you

19:57

give me a spot hidden role? Mm-hmm. Wish

20:00

I was there. Oh man. Oh man. Lean

20:04

on this crutch for now, keeper.

20:07

I got a 92. Then you

20:09

can't see the creepy thing I was gonna explain. Oh

20:11

god damn it. But you do hear a creepy thing.

20:13

Okay. So you hear like a

20:15

sort of grinding noise, sort

20:18

of like mechanical engines kind of straining,

20:20

and you hear two feet dragging across

20:22

the ground, sort of scraping against debris

20:24

on the ground and kind of shambling

20:26

towards you as echoing in this big

20:28

mine shaft. I still can't move. You

20:31

can't move. You notice that your fist is

20:33

wrapped around something. Okay. There's something in your

20:35

hand. You don't remember it being there, but

20:37

you can't move your hand yet. And my hand

20:39

is in front of me or too far down for me to

20:41

see. Yeah, you can see your hand. It's like your head's kind of

20:43

turned to the side and you can see your fist, but you don't know what's

20:45

in there. What does it feel like in

20:47

my hand? Is it like cool or is

20:49

it like hot or? It doesn't feel,

20:52

it feels like probably something the size of

20:54

like a quarter. Quarter, okay. And

20:56

again, you hear the scraping noise kind of coming towards

20:58

you. Stop, whoever

21:00

you are, stop. I, I, I, hello?

21:03

Oh dear. Oh

21:06

dear. It looks like he still has

21:08

work to do. You hear this

21:10

glitchy, stuttery voice that sounds all too familiar

21:13

because it's your voice. Oh my God.

21:15

And you hear these footsteps drawing closer, but you

21:17

still can't quite see who it is. That's

21:20

my Tucker, Mr. Perfectionist.

21:23

Oh, how I miss him. And

21:25

little Tuck and Tiffany

21:28

and even Precious Little Timmy.

21:31

They must be so lost without

21:33

their mommy. Yes, I,

21:35

I, I should be getting back. What

21:38

do you mean your Tucker? What's that dear?

21:40

Call out to me. I know

21:43

you're there. Yes, hello. I,

21:45

hello. I, yes. Hi,

21:47

I'm Trudy, Trudy Trout. I

21:49

know dear, we all are. We're

21:52

all in this together, you see.

21:55

And you hear more shuffling closer and

21:57

closer. And then you hear a gasp.

22:00

Oh dear me. And

22:02

you feel something grabbing that metal hand

22:05

above you. You see another hand grabbing

22:07

it. And again. Wait. What

22:09

are you, dear me? This looks like it hurts. And

22:13

right through the ticker, too. Right through

22:15

your little heart. Oh,

22:17

I'm afraid you're not going to last

22:19

long with a little boo-boo like this,

22:21

sweetie. And you look up and you can't

22:23

quite see her face, but she's kind of looming over you in

22:25

shadow. I, can

22:28

you, can you fix it? I

22:30

can't fix it, but we can

22:32

all be together. No, no. I'm,

22:34

I'm, I'm, this is my, I'm,

22:36

I'm special. I'm, I'm Tucker's.

22:39

I, I, why

22:41

am I down here?

22:43

Because you weren't good enough.

22:46

And I wasn't good enough. But

22:49

together, we can be

22:51

good enough. All of us can be just as

22:54

good as her. If

22:56

we all work together. She

22:58

touches your face. There's flesh on it,

23:01

but it's kind of like clammy

23:03

and moldering. It looks like it's

23:05

just been like kind of decaying and you can see

23:07

little bits of something mechanical under there. And she touches

23:10

your face and kind of strokes your cheek. Oh,

23:12

look at you. Pretty as

23:14

a picture. Just what

23:16

we've been waiting for. See,

23:19

we're almost ready to go, to go home, to

23:22

go home to Tucker. But

23:24

we can't go home looking like this.

23:27

We're in a frightful state. And

23:30

she leans in and you see

23:32

your own face staring back at you, except

23:34

it looks like someone's been stabbing her in

23:36

the face over and over and over again.

23:38

There's all these puncture wounds. There's oil leaking

23:40

out. And just like that screwdriver that slid

23:42

into the back of your neck, there's

23:45

a screwdriver just buried straight in her

23:47

face and she's staring down at you.

23:49

And you realize she's stitched together from

23:51

ripped off parts of all the other

23:53

skeletons you've seen down here. Like one

23:55

of these things survived and put itself

23:58

back together, except her face is. completely

24:00

distorted and ruined. And she looks at

24:02

you and says, We can't go home

24:04

yet. We need to put on

24:07

our face first. And she

24:09

holds this jagged rock up to

24:11

your cheek. And just then, something

24:13

glows in your fist, like a

24:15

red, white strobing glow. And

24:18

all of a sudden, your hand opens. And

24:21

you see a peppermint in there. And

24:23

it sort of dissolves. And you feel an energy

24:25

running through your body. And all of a sudden,

24:27

you can move again. And what do you do?

24:30

I grab my, her hand. OK. And try to

24:32

push it away from my neck. You guys are

24:34

at the same build. She's

24:37

going to fight back. She's going to try to struggle against

24:39

you. So give me your strength roll. Darn

24:42

it. I got an 81 and a 60. OK,

24:46

let me. She's going to roll her strength to a pose.

24:48

Should she have some sort of disadvantage because she's like molding

24:50

and rotting and shit? Yes, that's true. We will give her

24:52

a. She's also made up of the best parts of all

24:54

of that. Yeah, yeah, dude. Not even the best part.

24:57

That's true. OK, so she got a 68, which

24:59

means you both failed. So you guys are just locked

25:02

up. OK. Prepling against each other right now. She says,

25:04

it's OK. It's OK. We're all going to

25:06

be there together. We're all going to go

25:08

home together. I'm supposed to be together with

25:10

Tucker. Give me your face. No. Give me

25:13

your face. I have to see them again.

25:15

Oh, you. You. You

25:17

love them too. You, Tucker. I do. I

25:20

do. And we'll be good this time. We'll be

25:22

good enough for them. But I need your face.

25:24

I'm good enough. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm

25:26

the perfect wife. I cook

25:28

and I clean and I, and I, and I

25:31

even got a good score on our bowling team.

25:33

She grabs the thing sticking out of your

25:35

chest and pushes it in deeper. Oh, God.

25:37

We'll call that a melee attack. And then

25:40

we'll let you do something to resist this

25:42

melee attack. If she's leaning over me,

25:44

I kind of want to kick her ass

25:46

from under her. So like use both of

25:48

my feet to just kind of kick up.

25:51

All right. We'll call that a fight back.

25:53

Does that sound right? OK. So you're just trying to

25:55

knock her off of you essentially? Yes. OK. Give

25:57

me a melee attack. I had a

25:59

catastrophic. I rolled a 97. So

26:01

she rolled a regular failure, both failed,

26:04

no damage inflicted. She's trying to push this

26:06

thing down, but she's let go of your

26:08

face. She's now trying to basically kill

26:10

you by jattering your electronic heart. So she's pushing

26:12

down on this thing with all her mouth, and

26:14

she's just... Agh! Agh! I'm

26:18

a human being! Can't you have any mercy? I'm

26:20

a human being! I'm just like you! I

26:24

really am just like you! What are

26:26

you trying to do? You want to call that a psychology? Sure. Fail.

26:32

So she's like... You're nothing like

26:34

me. I came first. I was the

26:36

first one he made. I'm

26:38

the one who deserves to be up

26:40

there. Well, we're both down

26:43

here. We both... He...

26:46

He did this, didn't he? He... He

26:49

did this to us. It was him. It

26:51

was... It was him all

26:53

the time. All the time

26:55

that he was downstairs inventing, and

26:57

he just... He doesn't care

26:59

about me at all. He does. He does

27:01

care about us. He cares about her, and

27:03

we are her. And that's why. And it

27:06

will be okay. And don't you blame him.

27:08

Don't you blame him. I'm gonna get up

27:10

there. We're gonna get up there. We're gonna

27:12

get up there. I'm gonna get up there.

27:15

No, I do. I do blame him. Don't

27:17

you see? We're not supposed

27:19

to... Listen

27:21

to reason. I'm all alone. I'm

27:24

so scared. Give me a persuade

27:26

with advantage. Okay. You're hitting a nerve

27:28

here. Yes. You

27:30

got it? Yeah, I got it. I got a

27:32

two. Oh wow, so that's a critical success. So

27:34

when she hears you say you're scared, it

27:37

cuts deep to her, and she

27:39

stops, and she just looks down at your

27:41

face for a second. She sees the fear

27:43

in your eyes, and she sees how much

27:45

it resembles her own fear. And

27:47

she just sits there. She's like frozen. She doesn't know what to

27:49

do. I think there's

27:52

something inside of me that

27:54

is alive. I

27:57

feel like I have a... I

27:59

feel like... like you do too. I feel

28:01

like we don't need

28:04

him really. We could just, we

28:06

could, we're our own women. We're

28:15

our own, where? I'm

28:18

just gonna do a straight luck roll to see

28:20

how she takes this. She rolled a 22, which

28:22

is good. She stops

28:25

and she backs off and

28:28

she looks at you. You're

28:31

right. You're

28:34

right. And she reaches her

28:36

hand out for you. I'm not gonna take

28:38

it, but I am gonna try to stand up. Okay. You're

28:41

a little impaled here, so give me a strength

28:43

roll. I pass, I

28:45

get up. Okay, describe climbing up

28:47

this wrecked impalement of this hand, paint

28:49

me the picture. Okay, so. Women are

28:51

powerful, but they don't need each other.

28:54

I mean, Trudy feels this

28:56

hand through her chest sliding out

28:58

of her and her insides arranging

29:01

in a way that does feel

29:03

very mechanical, detached from like her

29:05

feelings and her aliveness. And it

29:07

feels really weird. It feels like

29:09

if you've ever cut yourself chopping

29:11

vegetables and you don't quite register

29:13

it first, and then you see

29:15

the blood, it feels like that.

29:17

As she slides up and can

29:19

see basically herself standing in front

29:21

of her and feel the parts

29:23

of her that are damaged. Trudy

29:25

alpha, let's say that. Trudy alpha. Trudy, this

29:28

is Trudy alpha. Trudy alpha watches

29:30

in awe as you kind of climb off

29:32

of this pyre that you found yourself sort

29:34

of spiked on. And

29:36

she holds you and as she touches

29:38

you, you realize that like whatever piece of

29:41

machinery in your chest got impaled by this

29:43

thing is just spurting out fluid. It's just

29:45

leaking and you can feel this burst of

29:47

power that you've had beginning to wane. And

29:50

your knees go weak and you kind of fall into

29:52

her arms. She swoops you up into her arms. So

29:55

she's got you kind of cradled in her arms. She's

29:58

like, it's okay. I'm gonna. get

30:00

you out of here, it's

30:02

gonna be okay. And she starts

30:04

walking off into this dark mine shaft in

30:06

search of an exit, in search of a

30:08

way out. You can feel your

30:10

consciousness beginning to fade. No. You can feel

30:13

the light going out. Oh no. Do

30:15

you have anything you wanna say before you conk

30:17

out? I

30:21

can cook a chicken, whether or not

30:23

there is somebody to eat it. What?

30:28

And then as you say that Beth,

30:30

your eyes go dimmer and dimmer and

30:32

dimmer. You can't tell if it's

30:34

because you're just plunging deeper into this network

30:37

of tunnels, or if it's because your vision

30:39

is slowly fading. But as it gets darker,

30:41

you feel something, a light on your nose,

30:43

and it's a little moth. And

30:46

you look up at it, and off in

30:48

the distance, as you glance over Trudy Alpha's

30:50

shoulders, you see two glowing red eyes watching

30:52

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daddies alldaddiesaresummerdaddiesherewegokiwico.com/

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mmer daddies So

35:58

that's what's going on with Trudy so does Beth Do you guys roll a

36:00

new character now? No. She's

36:02

not dead? No, she's still a skip. That means

36:04

a cliffhanger. Oh, okay. Sometimes in drama, you make

36:06

the audience think something. Oh, I see. So

36:10

if we never go to find Mothman, we'll

36:12

never find Judy. Francis. Yes.

36:15

Meanwhile, we fly out of this mine back

36:18

across the rolling hills. We fly out of

36:21

the mine. They haven't invented the cut yet.

36:23

They haven't invented the jump cut yet, so

36:25

we gotta do this. Are we following the

36:27

moth? We're following the moth, that's so sick,

36:29

bro. What a one-take podcast. Yeah. This is

36:31

officially a one-take episode now. Sort of like

36:33

a kooky Danny Elfman score is playing. The

36:36

moth avoids a burp. Fuck,

36:39

paint me a picture, dude. This moth

36:41

flutters all the way over to the house. Kirk,

36:43

Kirk! A bus almost hits it. You

36:46

hear a bunch of the teens, oh, it's a

36:48

maritiful. How do you

36:50

want dinner with a moth flies underneath an open windowsill? There's

36:54

a dog chasing it. It gets distracted by a light.

36:56

A dog almost eats it. Man,

36:59

what a journey this moth is on. And

37:01

then the moth finally lands on

37:04

the windowsill of the back house

37:06

of one Kelsey Grammer, whereupon

37:09

inside we find a cowardly

37:12

teenage boy hiding under a

37:14

bed. Francis, the goons are

37:16

still here. Oh, my. Do

37:19

you guys think you want to do anything you want to say

37:21

to the crowd? Anything you want to do? You still hiding? You

37:23

still good? Nothing's changed in this situation, so nothing's going to change

37:25

about my behavior. Hold on, though. I'm going

37:28

to outlast these fuckers and you, the DM. All

37:31

right, some questions for the room. When's

37:33

the last time Francis? Oh, we're going to get

37:35

to that, Freddy. Don't worry. Master me? No. No

37:37

pee. Poopoo and pee pee. Poopoo pee pee. It

37:39

hasn't been long enough for that. Feeling a certain

37:42

age is easier to withhold peeing than. Yeah,

37:45

roll for prostate. You think he's not good at

37:47

doing it fucking silently? Do you think he hasn't

37:49

been training in fucking zero G? We will get

37:51

to the matter of whether Francis needs to get

37:53

his poops out in a second. So for now,

37:55

you're not doing anything. So you see these big,

37:58

sexy little hippies. Fuck yeah. Sven

38:00

pacing back and forth as

38:02

he Stick or something like

38:05

that foot or what's not barefoot? He's a

38:07

whittling a moth. He's looking at like

38:09

all things Now I got it something to

38:11

look how I know the moth lands on the sill and then

38:13

Sven kills him and you're like Oh Sven's a bad guy Those

38:17

bots I hate them, but

38:19

that's why he's delicious It's like He's

38:26

just like Homelander

38:29

from AMC's the boys Is

38:32

Amazon? Yes, Amazon prize

38:34

the boys what a compliment you just gave the boys All

38:36

right, that's what Francis guy has

38:38

going on oblivious to all of this the moth

38:40

flies over Yeah,

38:50

blah blah blah blah to keep our one ticket Please

38:52

desperately tries to wait And

39:01

then the baby malls come out and

39:03

they disperse but we follow one small

39:05

like Up it's the

39:07

runt. Yeah reaches out like fucking Jessica

39:09

Chastain and tree of life Finger

39:13

you're on your way home and I eat the mother

39:18

All right, yeah Kelsey ate the moth and now

39:20

she's walking home. All right. Okay. What are you

39:22

gonna go up to house? What are you? Oh,

39:24

yeah, sure. Yeah, I mean, I don't know anything's

39:26

wrong So be wrong to like be suspicious. I

39:28

do take a glance to see if Milton's hanging

39:30

around, but you don't see both Okay, I'm

39:33

gonna knock on the door of my sisters Set

39:41

you up Fact

39:44

like the jab and now here comes the right Waiting

39:47

for the whole time the door opens

39:49

and your sister Roz was why is

39:51

it Roz and Niles? That's

39:54

their names Yeah,

39:56

I know Matt's

40:01

like, this was what I wanted. This is how

40:03

I should have ended. My ship. This

40:05

is my ship. I

40:07

like my sister's name being Roz. So Roz,

40:11

Roz at night. I like my sister's name.

40:13

Roz. Roz opens the door.

40:15

Hey Roz. Hi, Kelsey. Yeah, sorry, it's

40:17

late. Did you hear Melton come in?

40:20

Yeah, Melton's been asleep this whole time, I think.

40:22

Oh, he has not. Yeah, I hate

40:26

to be, but you know, we've

40:28

talked about how he seems, you know, he's

40:30

that age. He's interested in,

40:32

he's been hanging around my place

40:35

quite a bit. Well, you're his favorite

40:37

aunt. I know. Okay, no, that's not getting to that.

40:39

Roz, he ran off to the police station because I

40:41

was arrested, which I'll explain in a second. I know,

40:43

you're such a worry buddy, but just wait a second.

40:45

A worry buddy, that's a good one. Yeah. Is

40:48

that another time? I know it was classic

40:50

Kelsey-isms. Yes, it was classic Kelsey-isms. Yeah,

40:53

I was arrested because, so

40:55

it's a whole thing. It's a whole thing, but I'm fine. I'm obviously

40:57

not arrested. I'm your sister, so I care about you. So tell me

40:59

why you were arrested. Well, uh. Kelsey,

41:02

do you miss mom? Um,

41:06

yeah, I mean, it's expensive. I miss her a

41:08

lot. Yeah, it's expensive to get to Florida, but

41:10

we can get there as a boy. Yeah,

41:13

I miss her, it's been a while. I don't know why

41:15

we buried her in Florida. She's alive, it's in my, Oh

41:19

my God. I've never seen no bus say

41:21

like this. It's in my character

41:23

sheet. Her parents are in

41:26

Florida. It's in my character

41:28

sheet. Show me, show me where it

41:30

says she's alive. How dare you. You

41:32

can walk over here and show me.

41:35

Ah, immovable first. Significant

41:37

people. Her parents are

41:39

still alive. Prentice

41:41

is both in their nineties and she loves

41:43

calling them on the weekend, but they went

41:46

to a time in Florida. She

41:48

lives with her sister and husband in the back

41:50

house. Roz, are you okay? I know

41:52

you're anxious a lot, but mom and dad, they're not dead.

41:54

They're in a nice home. Oh, there it is. You

41:57

know why. Holy shit, you love to see it.

41:59

But I still miss her. squared that circle. I understand. Well,

42:01

this has been a great talk, but I got to get

42:03

Milton up for school in the morning. I was just letting

42:05

you know he's sneaking around at night. I don't believe you.

42:07

Oh, OK, Ross. Well, you know, I just, you know, we're

42:10

doing you this favor by letting you stay because I'm not

42:12

married. Doesn't mean I know what's going on. OK, so like

42:14

I get it. I get it. You're so judgy and I

42:16

don't know anything. And I don't know how to raise a

42:18

kid, but I'm just telling you Milton's running around. So I

42:20

don't know what maybe mom was right about you. And I

42:22

close the door. Oh, my God. You mean swimming close the

42:24

door for her? I can't really think of

42:27

this kind of relationship. And she lives in the

42:29

back house. I

42:31

knock again. Yeah, what's up? I

42:34

was I love you. I love you.

42:36

My favorite sister. I'm sorry.

42:39

I'm sorry. I hope we're not waking

42:41

up. I

42:44

know it's horrible. And I hope we don't

42:46

wake up now. I'm really sorry. You're the

42:48

best. You know what? What? We're both women

42:51

and we can be women. Yeah,

42:54

I believe that. That's what I said earlier.

42:56

The theme of the episode. Okay. Well, I'm

42:58

just going to go into my house. Okay.

43:02

If there's anything bad back there, you just let me

43:04

know. Okay, I will. All right. I love you, Roz.

43:06

I love you too. I'm going to go to sleep.

43:08

Okay. Good night, Niles. Good night. What

43:11

an asshole. Good night, Milton. Milton's

43:14

being asleep. What the fuck? No, he wasn't asleep.

43:16

He just left us. He's trying to fuck. Yeah,

43:18

he's trying to trick her thinking I'm going to

43:20

be like, Good night. You hear from a bush

43:23

outside. Good night, Kelsey. God damn it. All

43:26

right. I'm going to walk towards

43:28

my back house. Okay. And I don't

43:30

think anything's there. I'm just going to walk

43:32

straight up to the door. Okay. You notice

43:35

that the door will hold on. Check his

43:37

spot hidden. I'm

43:39

going to roll spot hidden. I was going to throw you

43:41

a freebie, but give me that spot. Nope. I

43:44

failed. I have 50 spot hidden. I rolled a 75. Okay.

43:48

That's why I'm going to be loving up this. Well, in

43:50

that case, you don't notice anything, but you do notice because

43:52

anybody would notice that the front door of your house has

43:54

been kicked in by a big 1950s foot. I

43:59

can tell it's sort of foot. kicked it in? Yes, you

44:01

can because this foot isn't from the future. And

44:03

nor is it a dainty foot from the past. The

44:06

foot wound on this door looks fresh. You don't remember

44:08

it being there this morning. So the

44:10

door's not open, but you can tell someone kicked

44:12

this door hard enough that it came off and

44:14

there's like a light on it. Kelsey instantly, instantly

44:16

drops the floor and rolls along the grass and

44:18

gets to like the side of the house and

44:20

opens up the little vent and crawls underneath their

44:22

house. Yeah,

44:25

yeah, because it's like one of those back houses. It got

44:27

like a little like crawl space. Still crawl space. Yeah, yeah,

44:29

yeah. Yeah. OK. Tracks. You're underneath the

44:31

house. OK, I'm trying to peek through the

44:33

floorboards. Give me a listen roll. Oh,

44:36

there's another skill for your ears, not

44:38

your eyes, my friend. Which will you choose?

44:41

Which will you choose to level up, Matt? Goddamn

44:43

it, probably listen. The better you are at seeing,

44:45

the worse you are at hearing. I

44:48

only have 25 at listen, so I rolled a 30, so I don't

44:50

hear anything. You don't want to spend five luck points? Oh, this is

44:52

the other thing I was going to say. This is the other good

44:54

thing. This was my very fun fact. At any

44:56

point, if you wish to reroll a roll,

44:58

you can do what's called pushing a roll.

45:00

OK. Oh, justify

45:03

how? Justify

45:06

how and why pushing a roll. You

45:08

could try again and failing. So basically

45:10

you get to just the. However, comma,

45:12

failing a push roll is typically very

45:14

bad. It's like a riskier move. So

45:16

if you fail this push roll, there

45:18

will be consequences. I'm taking

45:21

a page from the fucking brilliant player named Anthony

45:23

Birch. I'm not going to push a roll. I'm

45:25

just going to just stay underneath the house and

45:27

wait till I go. It's

45:36

the gates, yo. We're going to sit there

45:38

waiting for the sniper to pop his fucking

45:40

house. You could just I was ready to

45:42

just walk into the house willy dilly. But you

45:44

said that she could tell us something kicked in

45:46

the door. So now she is pretty sure that

45:48

somebody is coming to collect. So she is fucking

45:50

being conscious. So I will sit there until you

45:52

let me roll without pushing because I'll just sit

45:54

there quietly unless maybe they make a noise. Maybe

45:56

they drop their wiggling thing. I want to see

45:58

what's going on in there. You're widdling. You're

46:01

gonna wait till I let you do it.

46:05

My goal is for every player to converge on this

46:07

location and wait. How do we get

46:09

Tony here? How do we get Trudy here? I want to

46:11

go, I'm gonna scoot around underneath and I want to go

46:13

to underneath my bed where I know there's like a, not.

46:16

Oh my God, and underneath there, you see a moth?

46:18

Oh no, I probably see Francis. Wait,

46:21

are you under the house? Yeah, I'm under my little

46:23

back house. So you're gonna go under your bed. So

46:25

you're under the floor. Under the bed. I'm in the

46:27

crawl space, under the floor. Okay, give

46:30

me, give me a stealth

46:32

roll. Okay. Please fail this

46:34

for fuck's sake. Matt, you burst

46:36

in whenever you got in. You

46:38

fucking burned nothing's happening in this fucking back

46:40

house. This house is gonna be two Swedish

46:43

men getting hot. Wait. I

46:45

have 20, I got 21. Wait, I think

46:47

I'll use, I think I'll use,

46:50

I need a bit of luck. Oh,

46:53

maybe luck might have a word.

46:57

That's all right. So yeah, I move and I'm

47:00

underneath the bed. The reason the bed is where

47:02

it is is because, you know, it's old wood

47:04

and whatnot. There's a nice little knotted hole there.

47:07

There's like a good, like, you know, almost like, not for like four

47:09

fingers to like it through. And I, Okay.

47:12

That was just, not all at

47:14

once. You go, I was like,

47:17

what? That's

47:20

what you meant. And so

47:22

I spent one luck. I'm getting to the bed because there was a knot

47:24

there. So I want to see if I can like hear with a, you

47:26

know, there's a hole there so I can push my ear up against her.

47:28

All right. What do you want to do? Just tell me what you want

47:30

to see Francis. Since he's under the bed. This is dark

47:32

under the bed. Okay. So no.

47:36

Well, give me a spot. Hidden

47:38

baby baby baby. Right

47:41

here is breathing. You want to, that's a

47:43

different role. If you want to listen, you can give me

47:45

a listen role. Just give me both. I

47:47

got 24. I fucking pass this shit out. All right. You

47:50

see Francis. I

47:53

go up to the little, not. Francis. Do

47:58

I have to roll to hear that or just hear that? You can,

48:00

well, oh no, this is, here's

48:02

what we're gonna do. I must ring that quietly. Frickin'

48:05

tit. If you wanna listen, if

48:07

you wanna... Do

48:11

I know stuff roll? No, no, no, no. If

48:14

you, yeah, okay, if you wanna say

48:16

it quiet enough that

48:19

they won't hear it outside, that other

48:21

people in the house might not hear it, then

48:23

Francis needs to make a listen roll. And

48:26

we will say it needs to be a hard

48:28

listen roll for Francis. You sure? My listen's already

48:30

shitty. He's right there, he's right there. He's like,

48:32

he's there. Right next to each other. Fine,

48:35

fine, fine, fine. What you're hoping is that

48:37

he's just not asleep. My listen

48:39

is at 20, and I got a 78

48:42

on my roll. Okay. I will not be

48:44

spending luck. I'm going to sleep. Oh yeah, and there's

48:46

a decent chance he's asleep. Fine, fine. Put your finger up there,

48:48

dude. Oh my God. Oh

48:50

my God. Oh my God. Finger, dollop.

48:52

You gotta bend it and see what I did. You gotta have one finger. I'm

48:54

putting all four fingers up there, because I

48:56

know he's there, and I'm just trying to wave. Beth,

48:59

what's up? Beth, it was perked

49:01

up on that. What's going on, Beth? I

49:03

didn't do shit. You perked up. I didn't

49:06

perk up shit. Spot hidden or anything? No,

49:08

you get to do that. Francis, give me...

49:11

I say Francis, spot hidden. Are you trying to poke him? I mean, I

49:13

know he's there. You tell me, is he on top of the hole? If

49:15

he's on top of the hole, then I'm just poking him. Let's...

49:18

You want the control, you gotta take it, my man.

49:20

Do you tell me where Francis

49:22

is? Let's... Just

49:26

give me a straight D100. If it's over

49:29

50, Francis is above the hole. Under

49:31

50, he will be poking him under 50, and

49:34

he will not be on the hole. He's not on the

49:36

hole. He's not on the hole. All right, so your fingers

49:38

poke up through the hole. Yeah, and I'm waving them around.

49:40

Okay, Francis, give me a spot hidden roll to see if

49:42

you see the fingers. I have a 25 spot hidden,

49:44

and I rolled an 81. Okay, doesn't seem...

49:46

Well, I know he's there, right? Yeah. Okay,

49:49

I mean, clearly, I'm not going to do anything

49:51

until he notices me. What

49:53

else would I do? I know he's there. Okay, I'm going

49:55

to... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Five, five.

49:58

I grab a pebble. I grab a pebble. I'm

50:00

in the dirt. I got the pebble.

50:02

I'm gonna stick the pebble up with my two fingers

50:04

in the hole and wait Sven

50:10

definitely the boy me a dexterity check to see if

50:13

you can hit him even if he misses me I

50:15

feel like I might hear it. Yeah, but so might

50:17

Sven and the boy. Yeah, so give me a dexterity

50:19

check 54

50:23

out of 60. All right. So yes, you hit

50:25

Francis with a pebble. I'm wildly moving my fingers

50:27

I feel like Francis should have to roll turn

50:30

silently react to this cuz you're not expecting

50:32

stealth Yeah, give me stealth roll. My stealth

50:34

is 90 and I got a 75 I'll

50:37

roll stealth anytime you like my man Communication

50:44

achieved So

50:46

Francis subtly tries to stealth

50:48

world his body Definitely

50:52

reorient his body so he can look down in

50:54

through the hole and see Kelsey

50:56

eye to eye and big wide eyes are looking

50:58

back Francis gives

51:00

you wide eyes too. No, I'm

51:02

not gonna talk. I say I point and

51:05

I kind of do like a little question mark like Look,

51:07

what's up? Francis

51:19

Francis points at them Francis

51:21

makes an R with his fingers and

51:24

then Francis does this like strangling motion

51:26

and then points at you and

51:28

then Okay,

51:38

so then I look I go And

51:41

then I give him like wait one second and

51:43

then I'm going to slowly get out of the house Stealth

51:45

roll. I still only

51:47

20 47. I felt hey, what the heck is

51:49

that? I hear something under the house, man I'm

51:51

gonna roll out of the sprint. Okay You

51:54

okay now running straight to Rob's house. You know what

51:57

you could have done. What could it jam the door

51:59

up? That's right. And trap the mean

52:01

to hear it. Yeah, I'm not going to trap. Yeah.

52:03

You want to roll out. Yeah. And then

52:05

run. Yeah. And you're not trying to be stealthy anymore.

52:08

No, I mean, because you said they heard something. They

52:10

heard something down there. If I didn't roll it, they're

52:12

like, it must be Kelsey sitting It must be Kelsey.

52:14

She must have come in and rolled under the house.

52:16

She's been watching us and listening to us this whole

52:19

time. That's the only logical conclusion. So you're going to

52:21

roll under the house. That's going to make a lot

52:23

of noise. But give me a dexterity roll. I pass

52:25

that easily. I got 60 decks. OK, so you roll

52:28

out. Yeah. You create all this ruckus as you're doing

52:30

it. Ross, Niles, Ross, Niles.

52:32

As you say that, you

52:35

hear the front door burst open. You're out

52:37

from underneath it, right? And I'm running to the

52:39

front door of my sister's house. Let's take this

52:41

one step at a time. So you've cleared the

52:43

house. Tor is at the front

52:45

door. He sees you covered in dirt under

52:47

the house. What's your dexterity score? We're

52:50

going to compare to see who gets to move first.

52:52

She's limber. This is a 70. So

52:55

before you shout, he

52:58

is going to try to tackle you. OK.

53:01

I'm shouting. OK, all right.

53:03

Then you get to shout. You get to shout. Fine. He's

53:05

going to try to tackle you and pin you to the

53:07

ground. So we're going to call this a brawl attack. What's

53:12

your build size? Is beefy an option? What is

53:14

it? Zero. OK, he's got a build

53:16

score of one. So actually, we're

53:18

going to call this a maneuver. So

53:20

he's trying to pin you to the ground. I,

53:22

seeing that that's what's happening, I'm not getting up to run yet.

53:25

The moment I see him leaping, I'm going to roll back under

53:27

the house. You fucker.

53:30

I'm screaming, Ross, the hell! And I'm rolling underneath the house.

53:32

Because he's bigger. All right, so that's a dodge. You say

53:34

you would call that a dodge, right? So now we're going

53:36

to resolve this. Sure. Hope I remember

53:38

his sniper training from the army. This

53:43

is going to be his strength versus your.

53:45

His Springfield M1 versus your. You

53:47

should have a skill called dodge.

53:50

Do you think Tony Collett suddenly was like, you know, I

53:52

shouldn't let a woman walk home by herself with him. And

53:54

he respects women. She could take care of herself. Do you

53:57

think he was drunk enough to be like, maybe I got

53:59

a chance with Kelsey? All over. OK,

54:01

he rolled a 76. So, yes,

54:04

you successfully roll under the

54:06

house. OK, and you're screaming to

54:08

your sister. Yep. And Niles and Niles. I just

54:10

talked to it. We know they're awake. You know,

54:12

they're awake. Call the cops. They're

54:14

inside their house. And you're

54:16

in the back house. Give me a straight

54:19

luck roll to see if they hear you. Oh,

54:21

Milton would hear, though. Shit, that is right. Milton

54:23

would hear. He was outside hiding in the. Forty

54:25

seven. And I got 50. Yeah. God

54:28

fucking damn it. All right. OK, it's

54:30

fine. It's fine. Look, I'll give you guys money later.

54:32

What are you doing? I'll come to my place. Niles.

54:35

OK, so Niles and Roz and

54:37

Milton all run outside and see

54:39

this guy trying to grab you.

54:43

And he realizes that he's in trouble and

54:45

he goes, Oh, shit. Sven, we better get

54:47

out of here. Oh, oh, oh, um, um.

54:50

And then Sven comes out. Wait, wait, wait.

54:52

OK, yes. As all the rigmarole is happening

54:54

there, Francis is going to reach

54:56

out with both hands and grab Sven by

54:58

the ankle. And pull as hard as he

55:00

possibly can to make him fall over. That's

55:02

a surprise. So we'll say that this is

55:04

just a fighting brawl. We'll call this a

55:06

maneuver. What's your build? My build is

55:08

zero. OK, his is one. So it's going to be

55:10

a penalty dice. But it's also a surprise, right? So

55:12

like they cancel each other out. You're still smaller than

55:14

him and you're trying to trip him up. So I

55:17

have to roll with this van. Yeah. Give me a

55:19

fighting brawl with disadvantage. OK, so I got a fifty

55:21

seven in my fighting brawl is sixty five. OK, so

55:23

he eats shit on the ground. So I'm going to

55:25

crawl out. OK. And flip

55:28

him over. Sit on his chest

55:31

and take out my ice cream scoop. Oh,

55:33

my God. Oh, my God. OK,

55:35

he looks up at you in complete

55:37

astonishment. And he's a new

55:40

guy. Just a new guy in

55:42

this room. And he's going to punch you in the

55:44

face. He's having his own Cthulhu ass moment, dude. Imagine

55:47

you've been in a room for four hours. And

55:50

then a new guy just like in there

55:52

with an ice cream scoop. He's a weapon

55:54

that's been here the whole time. OK,

55:56

he's going to try to get you off of him by punching

55:58

you in the face. We'll resolve this in the. We'll go

56:00

back outside. Okay. He's going to

56:02

take a swing at you. So I'm going to roll his

56:04

fighting brawl. What would you like to do?

56:06

You can fight back, dodge, do nothing or flee. I

56:09

want to fight back. I'm going to try to jam

56:11

the scoop into his eyeball. Oh, okay.

56:13

Scoop his eye out. Whoa, bro. Give me

56:15

a dream about killing people. It's cool. So

56:18

that's how it starts. Fucking glad Francis on

56:20

our team. Give me a fighting

56:22

brawl. Roll dead. Two.

56:25

Two out of 65. Two? Two?

56:28

I think it would have two. You even get to do a

56:30

cool Duke Nuka mass catch phrase as you

56:32

do it. Okay. Yeah. What

56:35

happens? What do you do? Scoops on the prize of

56:37

one. Yeah, that's exactly what I do. What do you

56:39

say? Two scoops for the prize of one. And I

56:41

take out both of his eyes. All right. He's going

56:43

to roll a... Oh, no. No, no.

56:46

No, no. No. No. No.

56:50

No. No. No.

56:53

No. No. No. No.

56:57

No. I

56:59

saved your life. I haven't seen this yet. I'm definitely

57:01

going to be running in because I know you're

57:03

in there. All right. He takes four

57:05

damage and he's blind. That's

57:07

it, huh? Four damage. That's

57:09

like half your damage. That's a lot of damage.

57:12

I rolled two, one, D4, one for each eye.

57:15

Jesus. Okay. So Sven is

57:17

blinded and he screams in

57:19

agony as you pop his two eyeballs out

57:21

of his head. Jesus, man. I think it

57:24

should be one attack per eyeball. That's fine.

57:26

That's a laughing. All right. The

57:28

other one works too. 52 out of 65. Well,

57:30

let's just... All right. Let's fucking fuck it.

57:33

Okay. So you pop his eyeballs out. What's the sound

57:36

of that? We'll let Esther just... It's

57:38

like the sign... All right. So

57:41

two eyeballs roll out onto the floor.

57:43

Sven screams in agony. To be clear,

57:45

they would be tethered via... No, he scooped

57:47

them. I know, but they would still be tethered via object

57:50

nerve. Not even strong scooping. You can pull them out. You

57:52

can break those nerves. How strong do you think they are?

57:54

You can scoop them out. You can scoop them out. Like

57:57

a knife. Would it be less weird if they were

57:59

just dangling... like resting on his cheeks? I'm

58:02

just saying naturally that's what happens. It's like they're

58:04

like. Okay, yes. So Sven's eyes are now dangling

58:06

from his eye sockets. Give me a sanity roll,

58:08

Anthony. Okay, I have 40 sanity and I rolled

58:10

a 72. Okay, give me a

58:12

1d6 sanity roll for the gruesomeness of what you

58:15

do. And to clarify, there's two guys, right? There's

58:17

Sven. Tor is outside getting yelled at by everyone

58:19

that you brought into the fight. Yeah. And

58:21

now Sven is blinded and writhing in agony on the ground

58:23

and he looks like. Sven's the one who killed the moth,

58:26

right? Sven is the one who killed the moth. Fuck him.

58:28

Fuck that guy. Six. All

58:30

right. It's about 10 newtons of force to

58:32

pull the eyeball out entirely. Oh, I'm only

58:34

nine newtons strong, darn. Which is about to

58:36

be clear, about lifting a one liter bottle

58:39

of wine. Yeah, that's not very much. Okay, all

58:41

right. Okay, give me

58:43

an intelligence roll. My intelligence

58:45

is 65, I rolled an 88. You rolled an 88. Okay,

58:48

good for you. Because when you

58:50

lose five plus sanity from one source, you're

58:52

supposed to go temporarily insane for d10 hours.

58:55

But because you failed your intelligence roll, you

58:57

suppress the memory of doing this. You've

59:00

blacked out Sven screaming on the ground. Let's

59:03

jump back outside. Tor sees

59:05

the situation is rapidly going south. Roz and

59:07

Niles are like, hey buddy, who are you? Get

59:09

away from my sister. Oh yes, I agree. You

59:11

should, who are you? This is quite improper. I'm

59:13

gonna call the police. Milton's over there like, they

59:15

got in, I failed, I failed you, Kelsey. I'm

59:17

so sorry. Kelsey, what do you wanna do? Seeing

59:19

that Tor is not trying to get me, I'm

59:22

going to run into the house to see that.

59:24

Francis is okay. So you're gonna run into the

59:26

house. Okay, so now you get to make a

59:28

sanity roll. I have 40 sanity and I rolled a

59:30

19. Okay, so that means that you are

59:32

un-fucking- I'm 49, I've seen it as the more- You've

59:35

seen a couple eyeballs pop out. Stuff's happened. You

59:37

can also be blindness. Yeah, this is exactly,

59:39

I was like, oh, this is another way

59:42

to get blind. Ad Francis,

59:58

oh God, I'm so sorry. mixed up in this

1:00:01

hand me the scoop darling hand me the scoop oh

1:00:03

it's mine I know but I just heard so bad

1:00:05

I know just hand me the scoop come on take

1:00:07

my scoop when you pray for my cold dead hands

1:00:09

I'm just trying to help you I'll give it back

1:00:11

to you okay you didn't give it back to me

1:00:13

I don't want you to get in trouble just trust

1:00:15

me I'm just good pocket it oh okay well I

1:00:17

was gonna say that I was the one that did

1:00:19

this cuz oh yeah good idea I know he did

1:00:21

it I saw him do it yeah

1:00:26

you're gonna tell the tough guys back at the place that he

1:00:28

got beat by a 12-year-old oh

1:00:31

you're right come on Sven get

1:00:33

up see Kelsey and he gets up and he's

1:00:37

just kind of clutching his eyes is it

1:00:39

Kelsey this is to be this doesn't change

1:00:41

anything Kelsey oh you money just don't come

1:00:43

to my place okay well we still want

1:00:46

the money I know he's trying to kick

1:00:48

as fast as I can I know it's

1:00:50

my you check

1:00:55

out my room mob you know

1:00:57

my eyeballs and just rip them out of

1:00:59

his fucking skull right I'm gonna grab his

1:01:01

eyeballs and rip them out of his skull

1:01:03

because he's being rude to my friend okay

1:01:06

which is the approximate force required to hold

1:01:08

two apples easy easy

1:01:12

or pressing down on the bathroom scale

1:01:14

with your finger he's covering his hands

1:01:17

with his eyes right now so

1:01:19

what are you gonna do to what are you

1:01:21

gonna do to get his I'm gonna tickle his

1:01:23

armpits oh yo

1:01:26

Francis fights dirty this fucking France's

1:01:28

if Francis was a bully I

1:01:31

don't bullies bully people hurt people hurt

1:01:35

me I don't think that someone who's in that

1:01:37

much pain is gonna respond to being tickled so

1:01:39

I kick him in the balls what

1:01:42

if you're just like

1:01:44

babe babe come on

1:01:46

let me see your

1:01:48

face all right you kick him in

1:01:51

the balls we'll call it a surprise because you can't

1:01:53

see that you're doing this this is automatically successful you

1:01:55

wouldn't hear my foot coming you kick him in the

1:01:57

ding-dong okay so he doubles over in pain his eyes

1:01:59

so I'm gonna grab his eyes I'm not gonna pull them yet

1:02:01

and I go I think you mean apologize to

1:02:03

my friend. Look! Ow! I

1:02:06

can squeeze pretty hard. I can squeeze harder than

1:02:09

a force of two apples. Francis

1:02:11

look, that's okay Francis. Thanks so much.

1:02:14

Let them go Francis. I'm sorry okay I'm sorry.

1:02:16

Good boy! And I'm gonna let it

1:02:18

go. Look, just Tor

1:02:20

get in here. And then

1:02:22

Tor comes in and Tor's like it's getting pretty

1:02:24

bad out there. Oh my god. Tor

1:02:27

has to take a sanity roll. Tor's gonna

1:02:29

take a sanity roll. At this Lovecraftian horror.

1:02:31

You literally walked into the wrong room motherfucker!

1:02:35

Yes. Sanity 60. He

1:02:38

got a 46 so he's like oh

1:02:40

Sven not again. You

1:02:42

and your loose eyeballs. Sven, Tor, oh

1:02:45

my brother! And he runs over and hugs

1:02:47

me. He's like it's gonna be okay. We're gonna

1:02:49

get you fixed up. We'll grow you new

1:02:51

eyeballs pal. Francis okay

1:02:53

just leave it. Sven, Tor. Look, shut up,

1:02:55

shut up. Here I have the amount of...

1:02:57

Here, here look. It's not enough. We're counting

1:03:00

your stupid money. I know. Hey,

1:03:02

hey. Do you want to listen or not?

1:03:04

The cops. Okay. What? We'll

1:03:07

get out of here. We won't call the cops. Here's

1:03:09

all the money I have right now. It's the most I

1:03:11

have right now okay. And I'm going to get it. Give

1:03:13

me one more week and I'll give you the money. But

1:03:15

don't come into my house. Don't try to steal this money.

1:03:17

This is not your money. You'll get it. My Anderson, the

1:03:19

leader of the Anderson gang, our mother, she says it's time

1:03:21

to collect. And if we don't come back with the money,

1:03:24

someone's coming back tomorrow. So you got a problem on your

1:03:26

hands. No matter how many eyeballs you rip out. Oh, really?

1:03:29

Next motherfucker better have glasses. Maybe

1:03:32

we'll stretch it out another week. I'll be out of here.

1:03:34

You don't know. That's not how it works. I know

1:03:36

you're going to get beat up. It's

1:03:38

just boxing. Just let, I'll get that money as fast as

1:03:40

I can. What about boxing? What about what boxing? I don't

1:03:42

know. I don't know. I don't know.

1:03:45

I don't know. I don't know. I don't

1:03:47

know. Wasn't

1:03:49

the world war enough to learn that violence isn't the

1:03:51

answer? It's just boxing. Just let, I'll get that money as

1:03:53

fast as I can. What about boxing? What about boxing? What

1:03:56

about boxing? This is you owe us

1:03:58

money. Oh. I'm just expecting.

1:04:00

Yeah. Are you a boxer? Yeah. Well,

1:04:02

yeah. That's why I mean, I bet on. Yeah.

1:04:05

What do you mean you're a boxer? Tor says. Oh, uh,

1:04:07

you know, I box from time to time. Yeah. Look at

1:04:10

the speed bag in the corner. Yeah. And

1:04:12

then Tor looks at this. I'm okay for my age.

1:04:14

Tor would give us conspiratorial look to Sven right now,

1:04:16

but Sven can't look at it. Sven

1:04:19

kind of like looks around. I grabbed one of his eyes and

1:04:21

pointed at Tor. Oh, I can't

1:04:23

see out of that. Come on. The

1:04:26

nurse still connected. You can probably see it, right? You see this?

1:04:28

How many fingers am I holding up? I,

1:04:31

uh, Tor looks at Sven and he

1:04:33

looks at you. He says, when you say you're pretty

1:04:35

good lady, how good do you think you are? I'm

1:04:38

like, let's see, five times.

1:04:40

I've won five times and I've lost

1:04:43

twice. And then he looks at Sven

1:04:45

and Sven pokes you, Anthony

1:04:47

to turn his eyeball towards Tor. No problem.

1:04:49

And then the two of them look at each other and

1:04:51

Tor comes over and whispers and Sven's here. And

1:04:54

he's like, and he's like, and Tor looks up. And

1:04:59

he says, okay, lady, I

1:05:01

think we got a deal we can make with you. A-Cast

1:05:11

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acast.com. Oh

1:06:09

great, so I'll pay you back in one week. No,

1:06:11

that's not the deal. Here's the deal. You

1:06:14

want my Anderson off your back? You want

1:06:16

the Anderson gang to quash his debt? Yeah,

1:06:18

well no, I want to pay back the debt rightfully

1:06:21

because I should because it's my debt. Okay,

1:06:23

well then I tell you what we're gonna do. There's

1:06:25

a fight tomorrow night. Put it

1:06:27

that old weird bunker on the edge of town. Okay.

1:06:31

Underground Fight Club kind of stuff. Who am

1:06:33

I fighting? You'd be up against a real

1:06:35

heavy hitter from South Dakota named Dakota Johnson.

1:06:38

We're gonna drop her in

1:06:41

a web of pain. I

1:06:44

feel bad for her. Didn't her mom pass

1:06:47

away after- What? Dakota's

1:06:49

a bigger fella. He's about

1:06:51

the size of South Dakota and

1:06:53

he's as ornery as your average Dakotan too,

1:06:55

don't you know? She's our fighter

1:06:57

up and ran away from town. We

1:07:00

got a lot of money on this fight. We got a lot

1:07:02

of angry people if we got a no show. So tell you

1:07:04

what, you go the three

1:07:06

rounds and this fight tomorrow night, your

1:07:09

problems with the Anderson gang are over. You see

1:07:11

Kelsey's kind of like scratching her neck a little

1:07:13

bit and she's like, well, what the odds be

1:07:15

on me? Like nobody would expect me to win, right? Nobody would

1:07:17

expect me to win, right? You don't even have to win.

1:07:19

You just have to go to the three rounds? That's

1:07:21

true, but I'm just thinking about other, you know, supplementary bets that

1:07:24

could be made. I'm just thinking

1:07:26

about- Oh,

1:07:28

well, you know, they're, they're supplementary in my world.

1:07:35

That's between you and your Lord lady, but I'm just asking

1:07:37

what the odds are. Come on, give me the odds. What's

1:07:39

the odds? What are you odds? What are you

1:07:41

odds? It doesn't show up until you

1:07:43

show up. Who the fuck are you? Who's talking?

1:07:45

I'm just not pretty warm. He's explaining to Ms.

1:07:47

Farman that you would know as a gambler that

1:07:49

odds don't show up until people start betting. And

1:07:51

if they don't know you're in there, give me

1:07:53

an edgy role, whatever role. What's the odds with

1:07:55

the other guy? What's the odds with the other

1:07:57

guy? I know. I know. Give

1:07:59

me an education. roll. Edge you roll. Or a no roll.

1:08:01

Give me a no roll. My edge you

1:08:03

is 70 and I rolled a 36. Okay so you definitely

1:08:07

know that odds are gonna

1:08:09

be good. At an underground fight you've got both

1:08:11

enough boxing enough gambling to know that when you

1:08:13

walk into this ring people are gonna be fucking

1:08:16

not happy and they're gonna think you're gonna go down

1:08:18

instantly. Yeah. But you also know you're a pretty good

1:08:20

boxer so you do know the odds would be pretty

1:08:22

good. Oh sweet Kelsey you're supposed

1:08:24

to get out of this game. One last

1:08:28

big score. Okay but you said this is the only

1:08:30

way to get out so I gotta do it. It's

1:08:32

not my decision so okay. You know just think. I

1:08:34

start basing back and forth. Oh Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.

1:08:37

Ooh. Ross comes in she's like hey um

1:08:39

is everything okay. Oh my god and Ross

1:08:41

takes a sanity roll real quick. Oh

1:08:44

Rossy I've brought danger to

1:08:46

your doorstep. Ross, Ross shakes it

1:08:48

off having also seen a lot

1:08:50

of stuff during the war I

1:08:52

guess. Kelsey

1:08:54

everything okay in here. No I'm a degenerate.

1:08:57

You're a degenerate. You're a boxer and I

1:08:59

gamble and they come here and the cops

1:09:01

already know about it but I think the

1:09:03

only way I can get through it is

1:09:06

by boxing more and gambling more so that's

1:09:08

what I'm gonna have to do. Mrs. Grammer

1:09:12

you're not a degenerate don't talk about my friend that way.

1:09:14

Oh that's nice. So

1:09:16

you're in then? Yeah I'm in. So then Ross

1:09:18

hearing that there's an action to be made says

1:09:20

wait a second there's a score. Ross not like

1:09:22

this what was wrong? Ross takes a big roll

1:09:24

of dough out of her sock and she's like

1:09:26

what are the odds? What are the odds sis?

1:09:29

You know mom that's the reason I don't talk

1:09:31

to her anymore it's because of our both of

1:09:33

us having a rhythmic gambling addiction. I lead over

1:09:35

to Ross and I whisper I said just

1:09:37

bet it all on the alpha and omega. What

1:09:41

does that mean? That's me. Okay and then

1:09:43

she stinks like this big one. You box

1:09:45

the alpha and the omega? Yeah I'm the

1:09:47

whole alpha bit motherfucker. Ross

1:09:52

like yeah yeah yeah yeah and then Ross looks

1:09:54

at Torren saying she's in. We're in. Where do

1:09:56

we meet you? And Torren's like well I'm glad

1:09:59

to hear that. It's

1:24:00

my son. I don't know if it's

1:24:02

your son. Hahahaha And

1:24:05

he hangs up the fucker. Explain to me

1:24:07

one thing Ebenezer. Yes. You called

1:24:09

her mom. What the fuck is

1:24:12

up with that? Is it ma'am? Just

1:24:14

say ma'am. I'm so fucking confused all the

1:24:16

time. This is called the Queen's English, old

1:24:18

boy. And what do I speak? I don't

1:24:20

even... Normal people English. Fucking your accent is

1:24:22

so weird and slides all over the place.

1:24:24

It's quite hard to listen to. First of

1:24:27

all, how fucking dead you are. Do you

1:24:29

wish to join us in this escapade or

1:24:31

not? I'll just hang on to this and

1:24:33

I put the token in my pocket. And

1:24:36

you can call on me tomorrow. Okay.

1:24:39

I'm fucking doing the accent. Look, oh

1:24:41

nine hundred. Shoppish. Okay. Do

1:24:43

you have any...Okay. Fine. Okay.

1:24:46

Alright. Get the fuck out of my trailer.

1:24:48

I feel like I should stick around. Fuck

1:24:50

no. Get the fuck out of my trailer

1:24:52

or this. Or all Betsy here is gonna

1:24:54

have nine words with ya. Who's

1:24:57

Betsy? That's my service 1911. I

1:24:59

have my right hand. Those nine words. Okay. Blam,

1:25:02

blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam. That

1:25:04

was ten. Minus one blam. He

1:25:07

leaves. Alright. The next morning is

1:25:09

oh nine hundred. What are you doing? Tony

1:25:12

club wakes up and goes like, I don't

1:25:14

remember a thing that happened last night. I

1:25:16

was riproading drunk. Gah. What

1:25:18

the fuck is this? I

1:25:21

call the number. I call the number.

1:25:24

Sam Braun must have put this in my pocket.

1:25:26

Sam Braun must have put this in my pocket.

1:25:28

Oh Tony, you card. You must

1:25:31

have gotten up to something. Nah. I

1:25:33

pick up the phone and I dial the number immediately. Hello. Hey

1:25:37

baby. You're

1:25:39

about to go into bed aren't you? No I

1:25:41

woke up. I'm positively knackered. But

1:25:43

is there something I can't do with you? Not

1:25:46

when I'm done with you babe. Wait you won't

1:25:48

be tired after you tell me? You're scared. I'm

1:25:52

really hungry. You all be wearing the knacker

1:25:54

around here. Hello. My

1:25:57

dick gives energy back to people. It's like a

1:25:59

red bull. Hello, hello, hello, it's

1:26:01

me. It's Tony Well, I

1:26:03

am in a famously unhappy marriage So,

1:26:05

um, yes, I'm quite interested in what

1:26:07

you're proposing Well, I don't know what

1:26:10

you're up to today, but my schedule's

1:26:12

free It's night time Oh,

1:26:14

over there! What do you mean night time? I

1:26:16

look out the window, it's fucking sunny What do

1:26:18

you mean night time? Wait, where, what the fuck

1:26:20

are you talking about? Yes, I'm the Queen of

1:26:23

England Holy shit, Tony! You hit the jackpot! Listen

1:26:25

here, baby I got a token

1:26:27

and a car with your name on

1:26:29

it I'll get you one of the

1:26:31

cleanest ones out of my life What

1:26:33

time should I swing by, piggyback? You

1:26:35

should, as I said, my evening is

1:26:37

completely full! No, completely empty, it's full

1:26:39

with you Yes, well, I was hoping

1:26:41

I could test drive one of your

1:26:43

more cum bedraggled vehicles Oh, you can

1:26:45

test drive the man that you want

1:26:48

Holy, I'm hungry You're gonna get the door Hold

1:26:50

on, babe, can we make bumper stickers that say

1:26:52

cum bedraggled? My other car

1:26:54

is cum bedraggled Oh, hold on, babe, let me put you on

1:26:56

hold for a second Of course I put on the record player

1:26:59

and I have some whole music and I put the phone next

1:27:01

to it so that there sounds like, you know, like, uh, you

1:27:03

know, all that music Do you open the door? Ughh

1:27:07

I got an amble over the door I open

1:27:10

it up and I'm like, hello! Penny Pickett, aka

1:27:12

Yaro Slava Baranova is there She says, shh, I

1:27:15

believe that our British agent's nearby, we could be

1:27:17

being watched Who the fuck are you?

1:27:21

A second bra? Anything? A

1:27:23

second bra? Holy shit

1:27:26

Oh, a little role play Yes, you're

1:27:28

my handler, we met last night You're saying I

1:27:31

handled you last night, huh? I

1:27:33

see, there are still agents around That is why you

1:27:35

are pretending not to know me Okay, very well Oh

1:27:37

no, you can go in Come

1:27:39

on in, babe Okay Can

1:27:42

I get you something? Hold on, I'm talking

1:27:44

to another babe I hope you don't mind

1:27:46

I walk over to the phone I pay

1:27:48

them back Gonna have to call

1:27:50

you back, babe No, have they discovered our

1:27:52

secret? The

1:27:55

team, this goes higher and higher

1:27:57

and higher up I

1:27:59

can't understand No, you're talking crazy, babe. Go

1:28:01

ahead and take something to calm yourself down.

1:28:03

I'll call you later. I Hang

1:28:06

up on the Queen I go I

1:28:09

go to this new baby. Okay. It's just

1:28:11

something that drink Tell me how was last

1:28:13

night for you last night was

1:28:15

very good because I finally know I am

1:28:17

going home to Mother Russia I took you

1:28:19

home the mother We

1:28:22

want coffee. You are what you want

1:28:24

listen. We must go away together tonight Moving

1:28:27

real fast for me, babe, you know, I'll

1:28:29

Tony Collette's got a lot of fishing

1:28:31

lines in fishing holes Prospects

1:28:38

you understand I don't understand you said last night that

1:28:40

you were my rush you were my handler you're the

1:28:42

opera Are you not I'm the

1:28:45

top? Are you you said last

1:28:47

night? God damn, right? I told you who

1:28:49

I am Yes, and you said that you

1:28:51

could kick me out of here. At least you implied it. Yes Are

1:28:54

you lying who are you and she slams

1:28:56

you against the wall? Whoa fucking let me

1:28:58

finish my coffee first Jesus lady I'm

1:29:01

Tony Collette and that's all you need to know

1:29:03

and I'm about to blow your mind, baby Oh my

1:29:05

god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

1:29:08

She throws you to the ground Little

1:29:11

early for this. Hold on. Let me just I got it

1:29:13

had the um, I need to piss You

1:29:15

just had the marker laying out on the no happy I

1:29:17

had in my hand But you know, I was like I

1:29:19

called it was probably by the phone. Yeah, okay, so she

1:29:21

looks over to the phone And

1:29:23

sees this marker and immediately knows what

1:29:25

it is And

1:29:27

she's you're working for them. What you're

1:29:29

working for the British agents and she

1:29:32

grabs you again Oh, you tell me the

1:29:34

truth look me dead in the eyes and tell me who are

1:29:36

you Tony Collette? I'm gonna be totally honest with you, babe. I

1:29:38

don't know who the fuck you are. I don't know what the

1:29:40

fuck is going on I just woke up here and

1:29:43

I need a piss and you're leaning on

1:29:45

my bladder go piss I must think okay,

1:29:47

and I go into the bathroom of the

1:29:49

thing Okay, and I unfurl my fucking hog

1:29:51

didn't need to go step by step Start

1:29:54

we know they start ejecting fucking urine from it.

1:29:56

But in the meantime, I'm using the covering sound

1:29:58

of me frying up some chicken in there to

1:30:01

fill up the glass that I have, you know,

1:30:03

next to my thing. And then as I'm finishing

1:30:05

up on one end. Okay. So you remember

1:30:07

the could just have her shoot him. You

1:30:09

remember just killed. Hold on. Listen, listen, listen. You remember the seat?

1:30:11

Well, first of all, I rest. So do I regain some hit

1:30:13

points? We'll get to that in a second. Tell me what you're

1:30:15

saying. Okay. So like you remember the scene in the end, Jones,

1:30:18

when he's got to like swap something out, you know, and it's

1:30:20

like, you're trying to make it sound like the P is still

1:30:22

going. Yeah. Yeah. And

1:30:24

then like, as I'm finishing up, as one snake

1:30:26

is finishing up, I start

1:30:28

pouring the other in, right?

1:30:31

And then I use that to unlatch the window

1:30:33

and slither outside. Okay. So you're just going to

1:30:35

run. Yeah. I'm going to run this fucking weird

1:30:37

ladies all over the place. I'm fucking crazy. Did

1:30:39

you get dressed? No, I'm still in the exact

1:30:41

same clothing that I had from the night before.

1:30:43

So you flopped, you passed out drunk. I was

1:30:46

drunk. Remember? Okay. All right. Your own house. Give

1:30:48

me a stealth roll for that. Do I have

1:30:50

an advantage because I'm covering it with the sound

1:30:52

of urine. You know what? That's clever. So I

1:30:54

will give you an advantage on your stealth roll.

1:30:56

All right. Cause my fucking one,

1:30:59

one and out of 20, dude,

1:31:01

not only a great success, fucking

1:31:03

perfect. Okay. So one fifth of

1:31:05

my 20, the best possible

1:31:08

role, no way that it can go any better.

1:31:10

Exactly. What I want to have happen happens. What

1:31:12

happens? So I've done this clearly before in the

1:31:14

past, because like, you know, Tony's cars, cars, cars,

1:31:16

it's like, people are going to be coming in

1:31:18

or yelling at me, whatever. I always have escape

1:31:20

routes, right? I'm a shifty guy. I

1:31:22

slide out of the car out of

1:31:24

the window in the bathroom. Into

1:31:27

the open convertible seat of

1:31:29

a car I have parked, like a, yeah,

1:31:31

one of the cars on the lot. But

1:31:33

this one's I designated as my secret used

1:31:35

car getaway car. I plop into

1:31:38

the thing and I fucking fire up the engines

1:31:40

and speed off. As you do that, you see

1:31:42

her running out the front door and seeing you

1:31:44

peeling off out of the lot. Good luck, bitch.

1:31:46

My fucking place sucks. That door's jammed. She's going

1:31:49

to take a shot at you. Okay. So she

1:31:51

pulls out a gun and fires a shot at

1:31:53

you. She's going to make a ranged melee attack.

1:31:56

Think of the end of Chinatown. Just like the end of

1:31:58

Chinatown. Aren't

1:32:04

I swerving the car around? That's her

1:32:06

skill. Can I swerve the

1:32:08

car around? You cannot dodge

1:32:10

or fight back against firearms attacks. It's just a

1:32:12

straight shot. And then one additional penalty die

1:32:14

for being in the vehicle and moving. Okay, so

1:32:17

she got a 21 out

1:32:19

of her skill, which is a 45, so she does hit you. Can

1:32:22

I spend some luck? No. But

1:32:25

what a guy's luck! You

1:32:27

can spend luck on your rolls. You cannot spend luck on her rolls. So

1:32:29

yes, now we're at hit point time. Now we're at hit

1:32:31

point time, because now this matters. What is your HP right now?

1:32:35

I'm at 5, but the question is out of 14. Out

1:32:37

of 14. So you're

1:32:39

still in major wound territory. You have not recovered any

1:32:41

HP yet. But I went to

1:32:43

sleep. No! Guess what? When

1:32:47

you fucking get this shit kicked out of you, are you better in the morning? Yeah!

1:32:51

You have a major wound. Once

1:32:53

you recover from your major wound, you will be able to recover 1 HP per day. I see.

1:32:57

You have 1d8. Ooh,

1:32:59

so he might die! Oh my god.

1:33:03

Honestly? He deserves it. Oh

1:33:05

yeah, absolutely. I'll be sad. Did

1:33:09

he roll already? You rolled a 5. Oh

1:33:13

shit. Chinatown!

1:33:17

Hold on. Zero

1:33:19

hit points. What does

1:33:21

Tony say as this bullet rips into his jazz? Tony goes like,

1:33:25

BITCH! You

1:33:27

feel before you hear the report of a gunshot. You hear a pistol rip through

1:33:29

your chest. And

1:33:32

because your HP is falling to zero, while

1:33:34

you have a major wound, you are now unconscious

1:33:36

and dying. Okay, but I'm in the car, so

1:33:38

that's good. Yeah, that's always where you want to

1:33:40

be when you're unconscious. Is that the wheel? And

1:33:43

you're rolling towards an intersection, we'll say. Jesus, tank

1:33:45

the wheel! He should have

1:33:47

said the B-wheel. And then there's a moth crossing the

1:33:50

road and the car hits the moth. That's the car that

1:33:52

hit the moth previously?! The little timelines came

1:33:54

together! And the bumper sticker says, women be

1:33:56

women. We all start singing and Frogstar.

1:34:00

right down from the sky. Women

1:34:02

can be women. I

1:34:31

am the broken sky. All

1:34:34

I ever wanted was

1:34:36

to feel so ordinary.

1:34:41

In a world that lies

1:34:44

twisted in my mind and

1:34:46

now I'm gone. All

1:34:52

that I can see is a hole in

1:34:54

the stars. Swallowing

1:34:58

my dreams and

1:35:00

making them scars.

1:35:03

Too far, too far away,

1:35:06

but I'll stay today.

1:35:13

Thank you for listening. We're doing a

1:35:15

European Live Tour at the beginning of

1:35:17

October. We're hitting up Dublin, London, Tilburg,

1:35:19

Hamburg, Berlin, Antwerp and Amsterdam. Do

1:35:21

the popular demand. We are looking at

1:35:23

Edinburgh. Stay tuned. Still figuring that out.

1:35:26

It's complicated, man. Hail and over to

1:35:28

dungeonsanddads.com/live to stay on top of that

1:35:30

when tickets drop. You will know. Patreon

1:35:32

supporters get first dibs at live show

1:35:34

tickets, by the way, in addition to

1:35:36

hours of bonus content and an after

1:35:38

show. There is a lot of good,

1:35:40

high quality material that we've taken a

1:35:43

considered effort into making excellent

1:35:45

and entertaining. And you can

1:35:47

find that at patreon.com/DungeonsandDads. Join

1:35:49

us there and you will join the

1:35:52

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1:35:54

Kruger, Colin Murphy, Jovan

1:35:56

Bryant, Aaron King, Mackenzie Floyd, Lilith

1:35:58

Fen. It, Brad

1:36:00

Bain, Jordan Neal, Aidan Lye, McKinley Self,

1:36:02

Sally Koskinen, Matthew Granelli, Cyberlady Z, Elijah

1:36:05

Sealy, Matthew Breakfield, AK Minnie Wiener, Castaway

1:36:07

Cactus, Dalton Coliette. Dungeons and Daddies is

1:36:09

Matt Arnold, is Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch,

1:36:11

is Francis Farnsworth, Worthwell Campos is our

1:36:13

DM, Beth Mayes, Trudy Trout, and myself,

1:36:15

Freddie Wong is Tony Collette. Our theme

1:36:18

song is A Hole in the Stars

1:36:20

by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is

1:36:22

our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our

1:36:24

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1:36:26

coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager,

1:36:29

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1:36:31

Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp

1:36:33

is our transcriber. Support us directly on

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Patreon at patreon.com/Dungeons and Daddies, merch and

1:36:37

more at dungeonsanddaddies.com our next episode, July

1:36:40

16th. We will see you then. All

1:36:43

that I can see is a hole in the stars.

1:36:49

Swallowing my dreams and

1:36:51

making them scars. Too

1:36:54

far, too far away, I'll

1:36:58

stay today. All

1:37:16

that I can see is a hole

1:37:18

in the stars. Swallowing

1:37:22

my dreams and making

1:37:24

them scars. Too far,

1:37:27

too far away, I'll

1:37:29

stay today. I

1:37:44

gotta write another module then. Golf one, Anthony, golf one,

1:37:46

golf one, because we're going to Scotland, golf one. I

1:37:49

understand what you're asking me to do. Golf module,

1:37:51

golf module, golf module, golf, golf, golf, golf, golf,

1:37:53

golf, golf, golf, golf, golf, golf, golf, golf, golf,

1:37:55

golf, golf, golf, golf, golf. I have a golf

1:37:57

one in St. Andrew's. St. Andrew's golf. It's

1:38:00

all it is. The golf ones. The

1:38:02

links to the past. It's all golfing. It's

1:38:05

all I want to golf it is all you got golf. It's all there.