0:02

Hold up. What was that? Boring.

0:04

No flavor. That was as bad

0:07

as those leftovers you ate all

0:09

week. Kiki Palmer here, and it's

0:11

time to say hello to something

0:13

fresh and guilt-free. HelloFresh. Jazz up

0:15

dinner with pecan, crusted chicken, or

0:17

garlic butter shrimp scampi. Now that's

0:19

music to my mouth. HelloFresh.

0:21

Let's get this dinner party

0:23

started. Discover all the delicious

0:26

possibilities at hellofresh.com. I'm

0:30

Sandra and I'm just the professional your small

0:32

business was looking for. but you didn't hire

0:34

me because you didn't use linked in jobs.

0:37

Linked In has professionals you can't find anywhere

0:39

else, including those who aren't actively looking for

0:41

a new job, but might be open to

0:43

the perfect role like me. In. A

0:45

given month over seventy percent of linked

0:48

In users don't visit other leading job

0:50

site. So if you're not looking on

0:52

linked In, your miss out on great

0:54

candidates like Sandra. start hiring professionals like

0:56

a professional. Post your free job on

0:59

Linked in.com/achieve Today. Bbc

1:05

Sounds Music Radio podcasts,

1:38

Hello Listeners and welcome to another

1:40

episode of the Ellis James John

1:42

Robin Show! And I'm delighted to

1:45

say we're no longer day plus

1:47

we are fully Daves either A

1:49

text message somebody Clendenning Ascii Daves

1:51

Okay, yeah, because he is firmly

1:54

in the day become. Sensitive

1:57

or I threw his to do with

1:59

Pep Guardiola. Actually check the city page

2:01

on the Bbc Sport website that tressel

2:03

because of the body books the guards

2:05

in school so he must have some

2:07

hot girl spinoza that were easy way

2:09

where you dave yet because as far

2:12

as I'm aware, Allison I aren't allowed

2:14

to have a day off even if

2:16

like really serious disaster befalls us up

2:18

soon. as you know I'm so births,

2:20

deaths and marriages. Allison I have to

2:22

be here. Yet you however seem to

2:24

be allowed free rein to go hillwalking

2:27

well as a you need to and

2:29

little bunny the. And he was absolutely

2:31

discuss your his disguise. You.

2:33

Need to negotiate better. See that has

2:36

a while I think Cam the I'll

2:38

I'll just go her walking. Now you're

2:40

not allowed Sir John because you didn't

2:42

negotiate better. New A No, we're not

2:44

allowed to. The. Is bad things

2:47

happen and even sister financing sides are edible.

2:49

I doubt your contracts insists you come and

2:51

I've got nothing to do. They I didn't

2:53

it occur, I negotiated best. Well, you're certainly

2:56

very happy to a top that contract to

2:58

the ferry left as if you're lucky on

3:00

her as much as I am. I demanded

3:02

in the contract for i'm only here for

3:05

one of six size and they said that's

3:07

fine because we need you in the room

3:09

will take one in six So I'm so

3:11

what you do it. We went to the

3:14

Lake District lines. His. We day

3:16

we me and as me John was

3:18

then yeah, me and my yeah, you're

3:20

not allowed cyber I was here doing

3:22

show. Yeah, holding back tears. Yeah, because

3:25

of the wreckage of my life and

3:27

yet contraction yeah I still have to

3:29

produce. Isn't a slice a rec? It

3:31

is a buddy glue and Dennings life

3:33

was a wreck until I reassured him.

3:36

Is his own Ways days. The crossover

3:39

with Barry Glenn Dennings Guardian podcast is

3:41

huge by the way. whenever he just

3:43

very loosely mentions my name, I get

3:45

about thirty twenty. Medicines

3:48

yes so there's a lot of crossover with his

3:50

focus on we look bar his own apartment. next

3:52

am I went to the latest or with nine

3:54

of my good friends. Really?

3:57

Were there did you? And that because I knew

3:59

you have. The Here. So it's the

4:01

It's it's it's the reserve. Nine.

4:04

Yeah. You're right Yeah, those are

4:06

to assume that we're missing. There's

4:08

a first a lesson Yeah, The

4:11

League Cup squad. Yes the I

4:13

must say. It it was

4:15

a it was fantastic was really nice just

4:17

to go away with you mind we had

4:20

a fire pit. You've been holding back your

4:22

smile all day because you know the john

4:24

slices of read because they didn't frank the

4:26

show without you was it was miserable Lives

4:29

Molson Sunday Monday also limit right Will now

4:31

and Iri if that were very kind of

4:33

you to say said suicide to alludes the

4:35

fuck I have such an impact on the

4:38

show. Obvious and bad idea to have your

4:40

best shall I say thing was a moribund.

4:43

And. My word.

4:45

Yeah. So what you see what a fire

4:48

pit knew what more can in the lake

4:50

district was to do that. Say that. Say

4:52

really which is weeks what it is it's

4:55

a big smile on his else has replaced

4:57

so much for his best of we publicity

4:59

Silva Express Back Frisbee is fantastic. Is it

5:01

today? Thousand eyes and crumbs? If you get

5:04

our privacy criminals with the key to our

5:06

proper professionally waited for his day And you've

5:08

got a god and I'm big enough to

5:10

play frisbee in. A calm

5:12

while away. Hours me so much

5:15

from you but is it just passing frisbees

5:17

reach of of yes but that was the

5:19

was the game they do in high pitched

5:21

squeals at what you can count to how

5:23

many you do for someone drops it as

5:25

insane as miss don't know cause the couple

5:28

of couple of and were really poor. My

5:30

mate Daves who does the since podcast his

5:32

head when his his head when on day

5:34

one and once you lose that method in

5:36

how you say one of a three day

5:39

frisbee says what you can't remove the wobble

5:41

was once. the wobbles in your throw is

5:43

very very hard. To remove the wobble

5:45

and Daves drugs struggled with didn't

5:47

do Ultimate Frisbee University? Yes, Trust

5:51

said. Speaking of had scaring and

5:53

we spent last week about a

5:55

motorbike racing about Edison's penalty may I

5:57

add day I wanted to come

5:59

says. Did and I. Have

6:02

been sent footage of it by my

6:04

crossman, but he has. He usually. Oh,

6:07

it's a C actually our

6:09

house. Susanna goddess or because

6:11

she was there Greeks and

6:13

I'm C C Said: I

6:15

feel bad for having films

6:17

this has. Essentially it's a

6:19

really good angle. Of

6:21

com the whole affair which plays out like

6:23

a Greek tragedy. Why we not it's a

6:25

Greek tragedy in in fifteen seconds since the

6:28

obits before you move on yeah and I

6:30

got i got a bit more on Walking

6:32

Lights abortion come back to a more am

6:34

a little a day have you have galore

6:37

gear on the woken up to the late

6:39

at do We Need Sir as a bit

6:41

of concept so what what number penalty was

6:44

it the you would say there was some

6:46

everyone has missed which is also see six

6:48

just as ruins sick gets to met neglects

6:50

to mention. An ass so I think

6:53

of is the seventh penalty and it

6:55

was like one or something. dust. Tim.

6:58

Key: Missed on the Mcgraw midst.

7:00

Of a. Day one assists can't remember them

7:03

Charlie Baker School to remember that because he

7:05

told me that. I'm. As

7:07

he started tripling towards the goat, he just. He.

7:10

Just experienced this complete silence and com.

7:12

Have you seen it Daves? anywhere else?

7:14

Not this massimino. same as soon as

7:16

oh okay let's show it to anyway.

7:18

I'm. System. And

7:20

said was so we'd we'd gone through over

7:22

five a month of sudden death, yes, I

7:25

thought everyone keeps miss a his will take

7:27

my. I thought I

7:29

piss it is so scarcity. amp us.

7:31

I'll take one. Followed a note Know because you

7:33

weren't in the first five. Know. I

7:36

wasn't the I probably a bit of sending

7:38

the had the of the way pretending you

7:40

know that the that for the to the

7:42

important or yes cousins has cut that games

7:44

My confidence is low jones watching the video

7:46

will soon as a smile on his fist

7:49

it's. It's. Called

7:51

Emery so I look like hadn't towing account of

7:53

on. Can

7:55

Daves? come on come on. what we're not putting

7:57

on social media were not know when know. Because

8:00

when I kick the ball in, the boy at chess

8:02

you as well. Yeah, I

8:04

get reminded the on twitter lives it was the making

8:06

of you so no one here we go to get

8:08

some some fifty quid. Have you been Frames Records and

8:11

as. Oh. Oh.

8:14

Oh. But now that

8:16

was facts syncs up so he three so

8:18

he dribbled. Seats. Slots so

8:20

ugly immediately slows down was tumbrils and

8:23

south because I was lower than walking

8:25

pace. He then does a dummy about

8:27

ten feet away. Since the key word

8:29

size of a keeper he just sort

8:32

of sadly passes it to the keeper.

8:34

But the worst thing and the angle

8:36

of this is brilliant. Alison walking away

8:39

watch this Dave someone runs into celebrate

8:41

Dodgers to avoid Ls round to join

8:43

the group is like he's on his

8:46

knee honestly on his own being photographed

8:48

and films. A

8:50

team mate comes console them but Bengtsson

8:52

such a very much money the other

8:54

team celebrating in a big circle everyone

8:57

puts around Rhonda. This leads him off

8:59

a a fantasy you look absolutely burress.

9:02

I was sort of sixty percent, the rest

9:05

sixty percent of the I thought this is

9:07

a close as I'll ever get to real

9:09

footballer with four thousand people or whatever the

9:11

among his book players do when they missed

9:13

by two penalties. As you feel like David

9:16

Betty. Know is David A

9:18

didn't pay. Some

9:20

areas thing with David but he's to

9:22

tell his teammates realize when I retire

9:24

Oliver's the end of you again. He

9:27

didn't like football affect his aunts

9:29

and he cannot be sound really

9:32

yeah yeah yeah I speak disappeared

9:34

is like night football. A

9:36

does. this is my job. used to work on

9:38

the bins with his dad the every summer because

9:40

it's just something to do yet as. As

9:43

a small played for England and when the

9:45

tight will lead to like did a really

9:48

good for bloody the butter the about than

9:50

whites as well for Arsenal Quickly kevin nice

9:52

to get thousands ill over that they still

9:54

are obsessed with them but they got thousands

9:56

of emails from people saying some of my

9:58

favorite one is it. They were

10:01

rebuilding or changing. I think it was Lead

10:04

United's training ground. And they thought that

10:06

they'd uncovered a body and David

10:08

Boddy left training to go and have a look. He

10:10

was just a sort

10:13

of, he was different to the rest of the-

10:16

He was different squad. He was. Oh,

10:19

that's good. Oh, Ellis, I do feel for you. It's fine.

10:22

Do you know what? I said this last week. I

10:24

had scored a similar thing on the Thursday

10:26

against a 50 year old app developer from

10:28

Burnley. And I'd done

10:31

my big exaggerated dummy too early. And

10:33

he was completely bamboozled about it because he

10:35

was probably thinking about apps. Yeah.

10:38

And then I round him. I thought I was doing that to Tom, but Tom

10:40

Rosenthal is a very good sportsman. You play

10:42

golf for Tom, don't you? You play cricket

10:44

with him. He's got a phenomenal ball speed,

10:46

I'll tell you that. He's also, he loves

10:48

cricket. He was a great player, Tom. He

10:50

hurt his knees. He doesn't play as much

10:52

anymore. Anyway, thanks. That was nice. Good

10:55

stuff. I'm now going to be very nice to

10:57

you, John, because I've been watching Taskmaster. My

11:00

blushes, of course. Yeah. I

11:04

thoroughly enjoyed the first five minutes of last night's

11:06

episode until I realised that you were wearing the

11:09

nicest pair of trainers I've ever seen. And then

11:11

I did find that distracting. Where are those in

11:13

your life on the day today? Because they were

11:15

really nice. Yeah. A lot of people

11:17

have contacted me about that. I

11:20

would say 90% of the feedback I get

11:23

about Taskmaster on social media is where

11:25

are my t-shirts slash trainers from? You've

11:28

become the best-dressed man in Thornbury. I...

11:32

I have, actually. Do

11:34

you want me to tell you what trainers they

11:36

are? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Are they

11:39

added as speciales? They're... Oh,

11:42

I don't... Maybe because

11:44

I'll... Well, they were very nice. Anyway... Spoiler

11:49

alert, you making the suit out of

11:51

paper is one of the oddest things

11:54

I've ever seen. So this

11:56

is a task called... I

11:59

was then snapped. back from my trainer, Every,

12:01

into thinking, what on earth is he playing

12:03

at? It wasn't my finest hour, but it

12:05

was... It was funny, which is the important

12:08

thing. Yeah, I thought it was a good

12:10

idea, so it was that you had to

12:12

celebrate the fictional assistance day, because Alex is

12:14

obviously the assistant on Taskmaster. And

12:17

I just thought it would be funny to dress Alex up

12:19

in a suit made of paper and cardboard. Which you had

12:21

to make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you actually make it? I'm...

12:25

Fuck it. I

12:27

don't want to give away all the secrets.

12:30

I was certainly helped by people.

12:32

But I did make elements of it. I did

12:34

make elements of it. Yeah, because you were measuring

12:36

his arms. Yeah, I was helped by the elements

12:40

of the wonderful production crew, who sort of

12:42

helped you realize your dreams. Oh.

12:44

Yeah, they're really, really good, really

12:47

good folks. There

12:50

was one bit, and this doesn't ruin

12:52

anything, where you obviously

12:54

open the envelope, and

12:56

there's a task there, which is always... And

12:58

this is everyone. The

13:01

moment I'm thinking about is when you're in the caravan. And

13:04

there's always just going to be this mad task there,

13:08

away from the edit, because this

13:10

is what I would be like. I would sit

13:12

there for two hours thinking about what I'm going

13:14

to do, because the pressure of thinking, right, this

13:16

is national TV, it's a mad

13:18

task that they are relying on me to

13:20

be creative and funny with. I've

13:23

got to talk to Alex Horn at the same time. I'd

13:25

sit there and go, I don't know actually,

13:27

I'm so sorry Alex, I've got no idea what to

13:29

do with this, because the pressure's too much. But that's

13:31

why... I'm not on Taskmaster. Well,

13:34

yeah, but I think people do panic, and there's certainly ones

13:36

where I panic a bit, but... Well,

13:39

Sophie Willan panics every time. Yeah, but she's funny with

13:41

it. She's funny with it. She's funny with it. The

13:44

task always says your time starts now. Of

13:46

course. Or your time starts when

13:49

one of them is the fourth time you said

13:51

hello. Yes. There's

13:53

no way of delaying the start. So

13:56

I tried to in one episode where

13:58

it says your time starts now. time starts when

14:00

Alex interrupts you and he tried to

14:03

interrupt me but I paused so

14:05

he couldn't interrupt so he then had to physically interrupt

14:07

me because I was running around the garden. Adorable. So

14:12

you can't delay it. No, I

14:15

am enjoying so much is

14:19

knowing what the real you

14:21

was thinking because I know

14:23

you. I've known you for

14:25

20 years and if

14:28

you watch it as a friend

14:30

it is hysterical

14:32

television because you

14:35

did a it was like a word it was last week I

14:37

think it was like a word play game at

14:39

the end final task in the studio

14:43

and your

14:45

word play chops that's

14:47

your greatest gift. Yeah, yeah. You

14:50

know that that's the thing that's how you

14:52

define yourself. And his golf swing and his

14:54

golf swing. To

14:58

try and win but

15:00

also pretend and it was pretense

15:02

having a good time. That

15:07

push and pull that tension

15:09

when you know that's what's happening makes it

15:12

it makes the funniest program on

15:14

television because you're like he you're

15:16

to um so you

15:18

have to choose a letter and then you

15:20

10 letters ahead of the letter you've chosen

15:23

think of them you know a girl's

15:26

name or something. So

15:30

people are like oh I don't know it's

15:32

Pemberton using his fingers and thumbs. I'm

15:35

not going to be busy being very intricate. It

15:41

was very very funny and then yes last night there

15:43

was a sort of a throwing game you're to you're

15:49

to bounce a ball and your hand-eye coordination is

15:51

also very good but

15:53

you've got to tell the nation this whilst pretending

15:55

you're having fun and the pretense

15:57

the tension is where the humour is. I

16:00

sort of ruined that ball bouncing

16:02

game because they

16:05

got out this enormous long, almost

16:08

like a pier track. But you used Robin's

16:10

tactics. Well, I thought the easiest way of

16:12

guaranteeing one bounces to do it on the

16:14

short side of the long

16:16

track. And you went first and everyone copied you. Yeah, and

16:18

everyone did the same. So no one did the... I think

16:20

only one person did the full length of the thing once.

16:22

I think Joanne and Ali might try this at the end.

16:26

People trust Robin's as

16:29

a strategist. Yeah. So if you'd

16:31

gone... You'd have won that at a

16:33

counter if you'd gone last because I think I

16:35

doubt anyone else would have thought of using the

16:37

short side. But then yes, you did ruin it

16:39

as a spectacle, but you won. That's

16:42

why I found the studio... You're

16:44

like... The studio task was very

16:47

stressful because in my head, as

16:49

soon as we leave the seats to go

16:51

to the stage, I'm like taking in information

16:53

at 1000% usual speed. Yeah,

16:55

yeah, yeah. What could it be? What could it

16:58

be? What could it be? Okay, they've got graduates

17:00

mortarboards. What could it be? What if they reenact

17:02

you in graduation? Oh, there's some popping monsters. What

17:04

could it be? Do you have to graduate? You

17:07

have to catch them in your hat or whatever.

17:10

But in my head, I'm going win,

17:12

win, win, be calm, win, win, be

17:14

nice, win, win, win, win. Don't

17:16

show them how much you want to win. Also, just enjoy.

17:18

Yeah, win, win, win, win, win, win, win. In

17:21

the early 80s... What do you have to do? What

17:23

do you have to do? What's the best way of doing it?

17:25

What if you're going second? How's it best to win if you

17:28

go second? In the early 80s, I think it was called Alan

17:30

Durbin. I think it was Alan Durbin. He was manager of Stoke

17:33

and their only job was to go to Highbury,

17:35

who won a very attractive team and get a

17:37

nil-nil. That was his only job so that they

17:39

could try and stay in the first division. And

17:42

it was probably the worst game of football in history.

17:45

And at the end, he was asked by a

17:47

journalist, do you know a thing

17:49

that should have been entertaining Alan? And he said,

17:51

if you want entertainment, go and watch

17:53

clowns. You're

17:55

taking that. He

18:03

wants and to that same month go on

18:05

what's clowns and I think gotten subs the

18:07

give that go will. It is my concern

18:09

that I'm the least entertaining know there are

18:11

insane movements or grab my favorite must over

18:14

bit of the whole series of them that

18:16

less that where did the Freddie Mercury on

18:18

the back of my head? Oh yeah yes

18:20

it was very Sunday it was rightly very

18:23

good to whether he wins around the not

18:25

who knows who knows will that's how now

18:27

so we can say so. There

18:29

were my around if you've not watched it and

18:31

I'm sure lot of listeners do cause it's I

18:34

am sure there. Is a huge

18:36

crossover Not as I'm still not his

18:38

best. That

18:41

is shown. it is most efficient so there

18:43

you go. Thanks yeah and there will will

18:45

maybe chat more Taskmaster next week. Yeah final

18:47

episode comes out It's been lovely having you

18:49

wanted John I hope this a big podcast.

18:51

Plug in the final episode lot on your

18:53

t shirts are some things just as I

18:55

won't listen this rubbish he had with of

18:57

see the on the Sounds logo. Some

19:00

of the sounds. And

19:03

Would Is Alive isn't as it

19:05

stands. Next week Channel Four that

19:07

sponsored by Channel for a unlikely

19:10

they would have let a baby

19:12

sound Bbc Sounds logo slipping from

19:14

Dublin and streams right. I think

19:16

we should get into some course.

19:18

We've got some absolutely superb email.

19:20

This is from their math and

19:22

I knew months I knew someone

19:24

would say this this is a

19:26

boss up actually a. Real.

19:29

Bottling it in the high jump in this

19:31

week's hot shot and jones a system that

19:33

he could probably manage to the polls. Last

19:37

haven't had an incoming humble brag.

19:39

Now I hear it back. Yeah,

19:41

now I put it in those

19:43

you put in those terms. the

19:45

technique to pole vault is so

19:47

difficult as it's it's such a

19:49

technique based also events as well.

19:51

Thinking about it in terms of

19:53

like the x the cross fit

19:55

stuff I do. holding

19:57

your body to halt As

20:00

it bends back, I wouldn't

20:02

have the upper arm strength for that. And what if it goes

20:04

wrong and it goes up your jaffas? Yeah, what if it goes

20:06

up your jaffa? I love that you

20:08

think you'd get to the point where it's bending back in

20:10

your body's toe. None of

20:13

us would get anywhere near that stage of the

20:15

pole vault. It's so difficult. Yeah, you could throw

20:17

a shot put. Of course you could throw

20:19

a discus. I could throw a javelin. Yeah,

20:22

I threw a javelin at school, but a pole vault. Many

20:24

years ago, I used to compete for my

20:26

school and then, for your friend and Dave's,

20:29

Stockport Harriers. In a few events, among them

20:31

the high jump and triple jump. I

20:33

got approached by Stockport Harriers a few

20:35

times. At the end of a 1500m

20:37

run through my school, I said, no, I'm just here,

20:39

listen, I'm just in it for the fun for Brahma

20:41

High School guys. And I just

20:43

kept it real. That's true. I

20:46

didn't say it like that, but I didn't want the pressure of having

20:48

to do it for anything other than my high school. You

20:50

could have been in Team GB. You could have

20:52

been in the 2012 Olympics. Yes,

20:54

maybe. Maybe representing Kamar than Harriers, loved

20:56

it. Anyway. Stockport.

21:00

Yeah, triple jump is daft, no offence. Stockport

21:02

didn't have any pole vaulters, so they decided

21:04

I should give it a go. It

21:07

is, without exception, the

21:09

hardest physical thing I've ever tried to

21:11

do. Across a couple of competitions, I

21:13

cleared the opening height once, and that

21:15

was in a warm-up jump. The

21:18

opening height was 1.8 metres, so lower

21:20

than my own actual height of 1.82

21:22

metres, and with 3cm higher than my

21:24

high jump PB of 177 metres. I'd

21:28

have been better off without the pole. Cheers

21:31

for the great content. After several years in the

21:33

journey, I'm finally approaching Retro 1 Estatus about 60

21:36

episodes ago. Thank you, Matt. Someone

21:39

needed to say it. Yeah, okay. I

21:41

will concede that I probably couldn't manage

21:43

the pole vault. Good.

21:46

And also, imagine if you were actually good

21:48

at pole vaults doing that. You'd be like

21:50

3 metres above the height. What was Sergei

21:52

Bubka's best? I remember him being a big

21:54

figure in the 90s. But it's... Yeah.

21:58

Scary. Gary. We've

22:01

had some lovely emails about celebs at the

22:03

tip, including Tyson Fury, obviously said in his

22:05

post-USIC press conference that the first thing he's

22:07

going to do when he's going to go

22:10

home is go back to the tip. And

22:12

he has been photographed at the tip. Yeah.

22:16

So thanks for sending that in. Do you

22:18

know that he, and there's nothing wrong with

22:20

this type of car, I just would expect

22:22

him to drive a different type of car.

22:24

What car does he drive? Nissan Navarro. Because

22:26

he made like 40 million quid.

22:28

He made a hundred million pounds

22:30

off that fight. She was what

22:33

you just, and again, nothing against

22:35

the Navarro. Here it is, a

22:37

Navarro. Navarro. Let me see it. It's

22:39

just a pickup truck. I

22:42

mean, I doubt it's his only car,

22:44

but also maybe not. I mean, I've

22:46

got mixed feelings about Tyson Fury. But

22:51

that is what I mean. I would sort of, I wouldn't

22:53

tell him now if he was

22:55

in this room right now, I would lie

22:57

to his face, but that would

22:59

be fine. I think if I, you

23:02

know, not to sort of double down

23:04

on my pole vault. If I- You

23:07

could get a ring with Tyson Fury. Yeah. If

23:09

I lost on points to Usyk

23:11

in the ninth round, and 100

23:13

million, I would probably spend it

23:15

on a reasonably sized SUV slash

23:17

pickup truck. I wouldn't be

23:19

buying a Lamborghini or anything because you can't take

23:21

it to the tip. No,

23:24

you could be, it would be ludicrous. Yeah,

23:26

you could take a small cardboard box that

23:28

has had cat food in it and a

23:30

lamp. Yeah, and a lamp. Also,

23:34

this is from Mark. A few years back, my

23:36

wife and I were visiting our local tip in

23:39

Wandsworth. We were depositing- Speak to that tip. Have

23:41

you? It's a good one. We were depositing our

23:43

detritus in different parts of the depot when my

23:45

wife was approached by none other than Joanna Lumley,

23:48

who asked if she could help empty her bag of

23:50

garden waste into the appropriate area. The

23:53

bag was heavy, and my wife was pregnant at the

23:55

time, so said she would ask me to help. Despite

23:58

Dame Joanna's protestations- that

24:00

she could ask someone closer. My wife

24:02

shouted very loudly and enthusiastically to get

24:04

my intention desperate for us not to

24:06

miss this opportunity to help her national

24:08

treasure dispose of her hedge clippings. I

24:10

duly emptied the bags to a chorus

24:12

of effusive thanks from Mrs Lumley. As

24:14

we turned to go she touched my

24:16

wife's arm, looked her in the eyes

24:18

and said in her best breath each

24:20

yo' Anna Lumley voice, Darling,

24:23

you're going to have a beautiful baby.

24:25

Oh my God. I

24:28

love the tip at the best of times

24:30

there's no denying but she made this visit

24:32

absolutely fabulous. Oh lovely stuff. Keep up the

24:34

good work Mark. She

24:37

she she I

24:39

would say in the top 10 of people I would like to

24:41

see the tip John because it's no

24:44

one would believe you unless you had a photo

24:47

but what a woman. I don't think this

24:49

is a necessarily hot take but

24:52

as you get more famous your life really

24:54

does just get easier doesn't it? Sorry

24:56

say that again Dave. As you get

24:58

more famous your life just becomes easier

25:00

because there's people like people will be

25:02

desperate to help Joanna Lumley do any

25:04

activity whenever she's anywhere because they want

25:07

to be the person that helps Joanna

25:09

Lumley. When you're at that level you must

25:11

just constantly get people going I'll help you with that how

25:13

does that feel? Yeah just gets

25:15

the point where you've just constantly got

25:17

kind of strangers but also personal assistants

25:19

out of the strangers at the likes

25:21

of a tip for instance. I

25:23

think life gets easier when

25:26

you've been

25:28

at the peak of your profession. Yeah. You've got

25:31

the acclaim you got the money you got the respect

25:33

you're then able not in any form

25:36

of decline but to live in

25:38

the sort of post peak glow.

25:40

Oh yeah yeah. I'll give you

25:42

an EG. Phil Tufnell. Tufell. He's

25:47

done all the hard work.

25:49

Well Tufell is benefiting from

25:51

the hard work he did

25:53

in his 20s and 80s.

25:55

Well exactly. Tufell's Lumley

25:57

I'm not saying that they don't still work.

26:00

Hard but they are established. They probably

26:02

pick and choose. They pick and choose

26:04

the building. Guys like our incomes and

26:06

guaranteed income depending on what they do

26:08

and don't want to do more than

26:10

under the seat in rush rush. He

26:12

says a lot of ambassadorial work for

26:15

Liverpool and Will and he's also got

26:17

a lovely town so is clearly gang

26:19

away a lot of Portugal from Los

26:21

Posts as he is. He's got ice

26:23

white teeth and have yeah. And

26:26

you know he'd go see with such

26:28

represent will see selected. He gets uploaded

26:31

into every room he goes into, but.

26:33

He. Was working harder in

26:36

the eighties Faldo. Yet.

26:38

Yeah I mean. Is just

26:40

a does what he wants the I

26:43

don't and he's got the reputation in

26:45

the gravitas to sort of have the

26:47

people around him to do all that.

26:49

Driving on the yes is foul out

26:51

his father a ten cents as she

26:53

bugs and she still sort of very

26:55

active know either is somewhat. I think

26:57

he's not doing all the script she

27:00

sent to she's not striving to cement

27:02

turret Nice Lennox Lewis. Rights.

27:05

Is if I carry the craze every way of

27:07

all time. you could argue that is easier with

27:09

spoil. He doesn't eat what I'm doing now what

27:12

he does a commentary and punditry business. Came back

27:14

in the ring like a lot of the do

27:16

because they need the money. To. Sign

27:18

the coup from Canada is gonna off

27:20

for my thoughts. I think it's a

27:23

mixture of pressure off comfort their yes

27:25

yes yes yes the dream. The.

27:27

Unit thing. I just want some

27:29

of it exists. And when I

27:31

met So tough though, he was

27:33

wearing a leather shit. For

27:38

a time accent never seen before. when

27:40

I met Phil Tufnell, he was smoking

27:42

loads of flags. Yeah, yeah because he's

27:45

dumb mahal to Blizzard on the hard

27:47

work so his lungs can handle it

27:49

in a mud way. Yeah, Fly. So

27:51

with suffers a mean. He

27:53

never had to be that sits.

27:56

No. Not reside in A was a

27:58

different time. He only had to play

28:00

half a test match because he was

28:02

always number eleven. Ah yes of course.

28:05

yeah one of those signals is fielding

28:07

either. So probably three of the days

28:09

pc up cup of tea. having loads

28:11

of flags at Nasa is t yes

28:13

But he said rep. Only

28:18

become sell tough Bonus: more questions

28:20

those just take up. Smoking is

28:22

a lovely blokes. John. That.

28:24

Are more Robbins apologists are doing

28:27

the wild hello legends of Solidarity

28:29

email. For Johnny jail after

28:31

his triple carried tale of Clifton the

28:33

on last week's episode. Whether I merely

28:35

think he's been judge due to the

28:37

parameters placed on him by all accounts,

28:39

Many yes. Were he to eat the

28:41

same amount in a bus? See. These.

28:44

Social circles wouldn't exist unless

28:46

we all have disagreements. Also,

28:48

I've always thought. Surely

28:52

jail described as Stg is funny, quite

28:54

sweet. The see involved in that he

28:56

can put away the sun's very similar

28:58

to my Stg who chuckles at my

29:01

consumption. would just enough of the of

29:03

an idol to make clear that she

29:05

does not consider this normal behavior. This

29:08

change on a recent visit to a

29:10

superb independents restaurants and sounds. Seems

29:14

much pizza slice site no

29:16

wonder think any such pizza

29:18

would be enough quality but

29:20

it is delicious. with some fresh

29:22

and varied topics. We

29:25

kept track of how slice count and

29:27

I ended up with a fairly i

29:29

watch and nineteen block of ice. Disappointed

29:31

not to to make it to a

29:33

nice on twenty but it truly was

29:35

beyond my capabilities on the day so

29:37

this would remain a gold for the

29:39

suits your we go again that cetera

29:41

et cetera My palm loving notice that

29:43

the pizza the six slices each them

29:45

pointed out you do realize to such

29:47

three picks. Up.

29:51

His. i can

29:53

finish one on us dumb dumb and fall

29:55

i'm it or i'm uncomfortable in bed after

29:58

a large pizza might you can Yeah, yeah,

30:00

yeah. How are you feeling

30:02

after nine seems like? This was jeeringly

30:04

applauded by her amused family, who were

30:06

fairly astounded by, as John would put

30:08

it, the sheer volume. But

30:11

FTG made sure to press the point home. It

30:13

was like going to a restaurant or drinking a pizza,

30:15

finishing it. Then when the waiter kept asking how

30:17

it was, and if you'd like anything else, asking

30:19

them for another pizza. I love that. And

30:22

then asking the waiter for another

30:25

pizza. Then when the waiter

30:27

comes over after your third pizza, saying, I couldn't

30:29

manage a whole one, maybe I have one more

30:31

slice to leave. This

30:39

shame being given some stark and fairly bleak

30:41

context to my efforts. And it has to

30:43

be said, it wasn't really in the

30:46

spirit of the establishment. However, hopefully this

30:48

provides reassurance that Johnny JR's curry of

30:50

threes is simply buffet behavior in the

30:53

wild, much loved town. When

30:56

I was a student in the

30:58

late 90s, early 2000s, pizza had

31:01

in Cardiff, presumably this was a

31:03

nationwide offer, it used to do

31:05

a student deal on a Tuesday, where for

31:07

a remarkably cheap price, it was all

31:10

you can eat. It was like $5.99 or something. And

31:12

you were just able to just go

31:14

again, go to Norwich more

31:17

of the same. And I went there with two

31:19

lads I was living with, Dan and a big

31:22

man. And it was

31:24

like, and I

31:26

remember Dan saying, should we

31:29

have a meeting competition? And

31:31

Dan was like, and big man was like, yeah,

31:34

sure. So Dan

31:36

tapped out at 24 slices,

31:39

which beats Mark's record. Dan's record, obviously we

31:41

don't know how much, you

31:44

know, the size differential. I'm guessing you've got

31:47

to eat all the crusts. Yes, yeah, that

31:49

was stipulated in the beginning, as I watched

31:51

in horror. You and a

31:53

big man who tapped out at something

31:55

like 18 said, was it like

31:57

an ice cream eating competition, Dan? feeling

32:00

good he's feeling confident anyway

32:03

because it was it was unlimited ice cream as well after

32:07

like his fourth bowl big I remember

32:09

big man said that's the thing you

32:11

see them I

32:13

don't actually like pizza you

32:16

need to 18 slices to save

32:19

face and then beat him on the ice

32:22

cream and consider that a win well beard

32:24

meets food which one of the YouTube channels

32:26

I follow does in eating competitions he's a

32:29

guy I think from Burnley or Bolton I

32:31

think they're probably both wrong your neck

32:34

of the woods David sweeping generalization John but

32:36

he's really funny yeah but he does eating

32:38

competitions where he did a pizza one at

32:40

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant he did 46 which

32:45

is about nine pizzas I

32:47

think oh my god it's

32:51

to see me but

32:53

you would be the worst person competitive

32:55

eating competition on earth and that's not

32:57

I'm not criticizing you it's just not

32:59

a patient yeah you would if you

33:01

if they had a like thing with

33:03

you for eating 50 hot dogs yeah

33:05

they would be packing away the stage

33:07

as you got towards the end of

33:09

your first happened in Lanzarote with my

33:11

mum about 1996 people are getting

33:13

the bill as

33:16

early as early as I actually this is I

33:19

have actually changed my behavior if you watch

33:21

me now I'm I'm I've

33:23

sped up you're approaching just

33:26

below average but

33:29

again I'm just saying it would be

33:31

hilarious to watch you at a competitive

33:33

eating competition also my maximum of a

33:35

little bit often mmm which

33:37

is not how you win is not how you

33:39

win you win by going a lot and often

33:41

yes I could eat maybe six hot

33:43

dogs of the course of the day I'm combining

33:47

that with great with great competition

33:51

but 50 hot dogs in 50 minutes

33:53

or whatever it is we had a really nice email

33:55

about the chuckle broken nice

34:00

email about the Chuckle, which is

34:02

their late night show. That

34:04

was their sort of uncensored live tour.

34:07

The Chuckle Brothers from Claire says, hi, just

34:09

listening to the most recent podcast, and you

34:12

were discussing Paul Chuckle, spotted at

34:14

the tip in his very normal car. I

34:16

felt I needed to email about my interactions with

34:18

Paul and the late Barry Chuckle. I

34:20

grew up in the small mining town in

34:22

South Yorkshire from the time I was born, 1983,

34:24

until after university in 2001. Paul and Barry were

34:28

born in Rotherham, something the town is incredibly

34:30

proud of. At the height

34:32

of their fame in the 90s, they still

34:34

lived in the area and their mum, Mrs.

34:36

Elliot, lived at the end of the road

34:39

where I spent my childhood. Both brothers drove

34:41

matching yellow Renault Megane convertibles, and

34:43

were often seen visiting their mum. The excitement they

34:46

generated when the local kids saw the yellow cars

34:48

was immense, and we would often run to the

34:50

end of the road in the hopes of catching

34:52

a glimpse. Both brothers were

34:54

extremely friendly and patient with the local

34:56

ruffians, always stopping to chat and sign

34:58

autographs. All my interactions with

35:00

them were amazing, and have given me

35:02

stories of Rotherham's favourite sons. Thank you

35:04

for the great content, best wishes, Claire.

35:06

Now in Chesterfield, which I do classes

35:08

in Northborough, maybe due to my South

35:10

Yorkshire roots. Isn't it night the Chuckle

35:12

Brothers again, people who had

35:15

cemented their reputation. Yes. And were just really

35:17

nice for the rest of their lives. On

35:19

Fancy Football League, we

35:23

reenacted the Jack Wilshire Arsenal goal,

35:26

it's like 25 passes. Oh yeah.

35:28

So Jack Wilshire was describing

35:30

the goal over the footage. It

35:33

was, he said to me to you, to me

35:35

to you. And then we got Paul Chuckle to

35:37

come in. Right. The

35:39

reaction in the room when Paul Chuckle came

35:42

in for his one line was

35:44

incredible. He is loved. I love the Chuckle

35:46

Brothers. And I worked at the Hemis and

35:48

Epic, they were both in an episode of

35:50

Josh in the first series, and they were

35:53

such nice people. I've

35:55

got nothing but admiration for

35:57

the Chuckle Brothers. So

36:00

there you go, shall we have a bit

36:02

of a break from the correspondence? Yes. Now

36:09

the listeners, last week we

36:11

outsourced our wisdom. We

36:14

asked a friend of the show, Josie

36:16

Long, to help us solve a listener

36:18

dilemma. And who was very successful, Josie

36:20

offered significant answers. She

36:22

offered very wise answers. She

36:24

was offering us fresh angles.

36:26

And she was disdainful of

36:28

my personal finance. I

36:31

would say disdainful, slash jealous, possibly,

36:33

maybe, because of... No, it was

36:35

just disdain. Is that a wrong

36:37

one, I sir? I know.

36:40

I know. Okay, well we'll get

36:42

her on. We can find out what her real

36:44

opinions are of your personal finances. I actually would

36:46

love to do that. Anyway, it

36:49

was very popular. We got lots of emails in on

36:51

it, because basically we were

36:53

calling a comedian. And

36:56

so we thought, okay, well, as we had more

36:58

dilemmas sent in by the listeners, why don't we

37:00

outsource our wisdom again? And to that

37:02

end, we have friend of the show, Jess, what's the key on

37:04

the line? Hello, Jess. Hello, thanks for having me.

37:07

Oh, our pleasure. What are you doing?

37:09

What are you up to? Where are you? What's the vibe? I'm

37:12

sat in my car outside

37:14

a waxing salon in

37:16

Chippenham on tour, making

37:19

the most. A

37:21

comedy tour or a waxing tour? A comedy

37:23

tour. A bit of both. A bit of

37:25

both. Daytime waxing. Nighttime

37:27

jokes. Yeah, I'm sat outside

37:29

this place where I just had my

37:31

full wolf legs waxed. I've faded

37:34

my car outside. What car is it out

37:36

of interest? Sayat Ateke,

37:38

you're welcome. Oh, lovely. Really nice.

37:40

Yeah, thank you. Just

37:43

to be clear, it's on a lease. It's

37:45

on a lease. Oh, dear. Underneath

37:47

the bonnet is essentially a Volkswagen. Is

37:50

it really? So they bought Sayat as well? I

37:53

don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I

37:55

couldn't tell you. I thought I thought it always

37:57

had scoda sensibilities. Am I? Yeah, that's essentially a...

38:00

Volkswagen, dear. You're kidding. Yeah, yeah.

38:02

Volkswagen Duwouns, Gautre. All cars

38:04

are Volkswagen's day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you

38:06

can learn. Oh, God, John's fact-checking something on

38:08

his phone now. Well, I just want to

38:10

get a visual sense. How's

38:13

the tour going, Jess? Was John

38:16

checks something that only he is interested

38:18

in on his phone? Thanks.

38:20

Yeah, I'm really enjoying it. Thank you. There

38:23

have been very kind people coming to

38:25

things, so that's been nice. Just to go back to

38:27

the car quickly. I think there

38:29

might be a Spanish element, because when you open the door, a

38:32

flashy light beams onto the pavement

38:34

beside your car door and says,

38:36

hola. Oh, lovely.

38:39

SEAT is Spanish. It was sold by the Spanish

38:42

government to Volkswagen in 1986. Oh,

38:45

there we go. And the

38:47

SEAT-EK, a tekka, that's a

38:49

good touring car. Yeah. It's got space.

38:51

It's got a high driver position. Yeah.

38:55

Room in the boot for your

38:57

golf clubs, dumbbells. Jess's weight.

39:00

Jess's weight. One of the best lifters

39:02

on the comedy circuit. Well, Jess,

39:04

what are you... Let's make a

39:07

bit of discussion about benching on this show.

39:09

Yeah. Where's your bench at? It's

39:12

not my strongest lift. Me neither. 73

39:15

kilograms. John,

39:17

that's absolutely devastating. And

39:20

that's fine. Is it?

39:23

It's yours. What? Sorry,

39:25

I did. You broke your... Sorry, you're just breaking

39:27

up with that, Jack. Crystal, can you just... It

39:30

must be the SEAT-EK-A. Yeah, it's

39:32

the... I think that's what we were wrong with the line. Anyway,

39:34

Jess, we got you on to... You

39:36

get mentioned at my gym, Jess, fairly

39:40

often. Why? Because a lot of

39:42

lifters really loved your rigid foreshow.

39:45

Oh, that's kind. So you

39:47

basically defend diagram of alternative

39:49

comedy and weightlifting. I

39:51

mean, you're right. You can just slap bang

39:53

in the middle of it. Yeah, I've done

39:55

as much comedy as it's possible to do

39:58

about PE. So that I can understand. writing

40:00

off. What are you squatting

40:02

Jess? The

40:05

one. Jess, Jess, Jess, take 25 kilos

40:07

off what you're actually squatting. Because

40:10

John needs this. I

40:15

can squat 120. And so can

40:17

a lot of people. So

40:20

let's focus on the feature

40:23

day. Is

40:26

it embarrassing? Is it shameful

40:29

to try and get us back onto the feature

40:31

day? No, I mean you brought it up in

40:33

the first place. What are

40:35

you deadlifting, Jeff, quickly? And

40:38

the best I've ever deadlifted is 161. And

40:42

a lot, though, isn't it? So

40:45

that's your target. What are you actually... That

40:51

was a couple of years ago, to be

40:53

honest. So you could be lifting more now,

40:55

I suppose. And actually, I

40:57

forgot what I was lifting a couple of years ago. Probably

41:00

going to have 200 or 300. Yeah, you

41:02

can. Good

41:05

stuff! Lovely!

41:09

Jess, his head's gone. So

41:11

I am now going to have to

41:13

give you this dilemma whilst John steers

41:15

into space. It's just a shame. I

41:18

think so far the three people is

41:20

yourself, Jess. It's David Gandhi and

41:23

Ellis, who's kind of had this conversation's

41:25

come up with. We've yet to have

41:27

anyone, unfortunately. You can lift

41:29

less than John. Yeah,

41:31

he's weaker than John. The

41:35

word one then comes to mind, which is the Welsh

41:37

word for flea. Yes,

41:40

but it's fine, isn't it, John? No, it's not fine,

41:42

Dave. I had my three-month performance

41:45

review yesterday. Yeah. With

41:47

your bank manager. Oh, actually, with

41:49

my personal trainer. And

41:51

I've missed several key body

41:53

indicators. But John has

41:55

different strengths. His brain?

41:58

His brain! I'm a joker. for

42:00

a coffee before the show and Tim

42:03

Key was there and Izzy was there and I hope Kitson

42:05

was there and he absolutely

42:07

destroyed the crossword and

42:10

yeah he was doing that way you know when little

42:12

kid you know when people are hypnotised by like sort

42:14

of end of the period and they're made to write

42:16

like they're seven years of age and

42:18

they cover the paper with their pen and stick their

42:20

tongues up it was like that is

42:22

it occasionally we go is it carols

42:25

is it caroling but why were you

42:27

doing the crossword whilst you are with

42:29

friends in a social setting because his

42:31

brain is his strength but

42:33

he's not chatting and just seeing how people's weeks

42:36

you know Jess and I our strengths

42:38

are physical yeah John's a

42:40

raw cerebral but not social

42:45

yes I did a cryptic crossword

42:47

whilst I should have been asking

42:49

friends how their weeks were that

42:51

sums me up

42:54

we had good we had good fun

42:56

people I enjoyed watching you complete crossword

42:58

thank you just the speed of it

43:00

more style um

43:02

Jess you

43:04

have very kindly called us from a theater

43:07

tech outside a waxing shop in order

43:09

to solve a listener's dilemma shall I add

43:11

it to you please this

43:14

is from Phoebe my friend

43:16

has horribly misjudged my interest in

43:18

star trek I once

43:20

mentioned once mentioned star trek in passing

43:23

just a humour him he now keeps

43:25

buying me star trek gifts and bringing

43:27

it up all the time what do

43:30

I do am I in too deep

43:33

right gosh okay

43:35

um okay so

43:37

there's sort of two answers to this um

43:40

I have to preface my answer by

43:42

explaining I'm gonna give you some

43:44

wisdom here based on personal experience

43:47

and Phoebe's trauma is all borderline

43:49

triggering for me but I have

43:51

got a solution um now is

43:53

this where you lift Jess listening

43:57

to forget listening to forget

44:00

So the answer is yes, she is

44:02

in too deep, but also I've got

44:05

a way out for her. Brilliant. So

44:08

I had an 11 year

44:10

relationship with the father of my son and

44:12

at the beginning of this relationship he, even

44:15

though I don't think I ever really pretended to have

44:17

that much interest in Star Trek, but

44:19

you know at the very start of

44:21

relationships you are curious about the things

44:24

your new partner loves in a way

44:26

that wanes, shall we say. And

44:28

I said yeah, don't

44:30

mind the old episode. He proceeded over

44:33

the course of the next, I think four

44:35

years, to force

44:37

feed Star Trek into my eyes

44:39

and face and to

44:41

the extent where he would curate

44:44

his own story arcs,

44:47

he put the episodes in different orders, there

44:49

was a specific Klingon story arc that took

44:51

six months to show me where he jumped

44:53

from different types of Star Trek to different

44:55

types of Star Trek. And

44:58

I couldn't follow it. He was eliveted with

45:00

me, I couldn't even remember the names of

45:02

the actual ships and he

45:05

got more and more annoyed. But where my

45:07

hot tip for Phoebe comes in is

45:10

she needs to stop being friends with

45:12

this person and become being lovers with

45:14

them. Because

45:17

with a friend, it's too late to bring

45:19

it up with a friend, it's too hurtful,

45:21

it's quite grateful, these are nice gifts. If

45:24

that was your partner, think how you talk to

45:27

your partner after a few years. If she

45:29

becomes partners with this guy, if she can

45:31

bear it, then give it one

45:33

more year and she'll be able to say, I

45:35

hate Star Trek, stop it. Stop

45:38

doing that with a Star Trek. And sure,

45:40

she'll have a husband she doesn't want, but

45:42

no more Star Trek. Yeah, I

45:44

think you've absolutely hit the nail on the

45:46

head there, Joe. Phoebe, you are going to

45:48

have to begin a minimum year-long relationship with

45:51

this group. It needs to become

45:53

biblical in order that you can then talk to

45:55

them on the level where it's acceptable to say,

45:57

I hate Star Trek, I hate everyone who likes

45:59

Star Trek. Yeah, and I hate the

46:01

gift. I hate the gifts from you. Yes

46:03

only your party You can't say that to

46:06

your child. You can't say that to your

46:08

parent You can't say that to your friend.

46:10

You can to your partner say that's a

46:12

horrible gift Yeah, you can't do to a

46:14

mixup. My children think I really love stuff

46:18

That says good vibes only on it So

46:21

I have a good vibes only bowl. I've got

46:23

a good vibes only mug Good

46:25

vibes only place. It's a good vibes

46:28

only t-shirt But obviously I'm

46:30

not gonna tell them That

46:32

good vibes only I don't endorse

46:35

that is it? My

46:39

mum went through a brief

46:41

period of thinking I had

46:43

an unquenchable thirst for hardcover

46:45

Biographies of male rock guitarists.

46:48

Yes Mom also thought

46:50

I loved Alan Shearer. Yeah,

46:52

Jimmy Page's Never

46:56

a page turn. Yeah And

46:59

what was annoying is they're hardcover.

47:01

So they're actually quite expensive. Yes.

47:03

Yes and heavy John and

47:06

heavy Yeah, which I should have just

47:08

lifted them more often and then I

47:10

won't be able to bench press more

47:12

than 65 kilograms Which is pathetic? No,

47:15

it just means that your strengths are different.

47:17

It's about the journey not the destination. It

47:19

is about the journey And

47:22

John today was on a very serious

47:24

journey to complete a cryptocross were different

47:27

to friends. Yeah Well, they discussed their

47:29

likes dislikes and lives Jess

47:32

thank you so much for calling to

47:35

solve Phoebe's dilemma best of luck with the

47:37

tour. Where can people see you? They

47:40

could see me it. Well, I don't

47:42

know when when this is going out this

47:44

forgot today today. Yeah Whoa, the Wells Festival

47:47

tomorrow or Where

47:49

if it's still left on the tour there's some big London

47:51

dates. I'm doing three dates at the Edinburgh Fringe In

47:55

June there leads Sheffield.

47:57

There's some whoppers. There's their own website

48:00

knocking around. Yes, go on.

48:02

jessicafostakou.com, that'll get it covered. There

48:04

you go. So go and see

48:06

Jess on tour, one of the

48:08

great alternative comedian lifters.

48:13

And we wish you all the best. Bye-bye.

48:15

Thank you. Thanks for having me. Bye-bye. There

48:17

we go, folks. So if you want to

48:20

send a dilemma for a comedian to solve,

48:22

you can send it in to ellisandjohn.bbc.co.uk or

48:24

WhatsApp it to us. But

48:26

now it's time for what is rapidly

48:28

becoming my favourite feature in the entire

48:31

world. It's Dad's a Mad. My

48:34

dad, when he brought his first non-stick

48:36

frying pan, kept the instructions

48:38

and stuck them on the wall next

48:40

to it. Actual real wooden clod. That's

48:44

about eating what must have

48:46

been north of 24 egg

48:48

canopé. He then proceeded 20 40 liters

48:52

or so. He sponsored a

48:54

timber striker mad. Dad's a

48:56

mad. Dad's a mad. That's

49:02

a good jingle. A good jingle.

49:05

I tell you what, that's Radio

49:07

X. Is it? That's commercial radio

49:09

at its finest. Where

49:12

did Dad's a Mad come from? I think

49:14

we just had an email and one of

49:17

us said Dad's a mad. It was a

49:19

great email followed by a great pracie by

49:21

you two of the fact

49:23

that Dad's a mad. The quality of Dad's a

49:25

Mad is very very

49:27

high. I'm going to start

49:29

off with an email that took

49:32

my breath away. Hi,

49:34

it's John and Dave on the subject of

49:36

Mad Dance. When

49:38

I was about 10 my parents separated

49:41

and my sister and I were starting

49:43

to spend time at my dad's new

49:45

flat and the former family home. That

49:47

weekend we in Sheffield had horrific rain

49:49

and flash floods. My dad

49:51

got a call from a security company that his

49:53

warehouse's alarm had gone off but said that it

49:55

was likely due to the floods whether they couldn't

49:57

gain access to the property to make sure. My

50:00

dad sprung into action. I love it

50:02

when dad sprung into action. The

50:06

best emails begin with that phrase. Took

50:09

me 10 and my sister 12 in his midlife

50:11

crisis brand new BMW 330 Sport. In

50:15

British Racing Green we sped down the

50:17

Sheffield Park going into runtial drain. Now

50:21

it's hard to explain that there's a junction that

50:23

goes off and then back under the dual carriage

50:25

when it dipped towards an industrial park. We

50:28

took the turn off and were met by traffic jams

50:30

cars. My

50:33

dad told us to wait in the car and

50:35

ask people, it should be noted that many of

50:37

them were HGVs and 4x4s, but the problem was

50:40

the underpass was completely flooded.

50:43

Impassable. Not

50:45

for a BMW Sport with a man

50:47

with a Tom Sellek Aston Moustache I

50:49

bet you thought. My dad

50:51

gets back into the brand new BMW and says

50:53

get in the back. We're

50:55

going for it. I

50:58

love that. That's a mess. We're

51:00

going for it. We

51:03

drove past about a dozen cars and

51:05

trucks and accelerated full throttle towards this

51:07

small lake with full confidence that this

51:10

was going to work. It's like a

51:12

meme that you see on Twitter. It

51:14

is. Yeah, yeah. It's like that amazing

51:16

video of the MPs saying,

51:18

I think the underpass is completely safe

51:21

and then two cars crash and then

51:23

a third. It's really funny. This

51:26

is a big sentence. We all need

51:28

to take note of this. Who knew

51:30

BMW's float? There

51:33

we were in the middle of a 20

51:35

yard long and four foot deep puddle with

51:38

water pouring through the doors. This

51:40

next plan was simple. Panic.

51:45

He ordered us onto the parcel shelf

51:47

while he opened the door and then

51:49

we exited the car and swam back

51:51

to onlookers befuddled with our actions. Time

51:54

for the next plan. He

51:57

paid a complete stranger 20.

52:00

quid to take my sister home

52:02

while he and I again remember

52:04

that I am 10 swam

52:06

back to the car and he

52:09

put me in the semi submerged BMW water

52:11

touching the steering wheel and told me to

52:13

steer as he tried to push the car

52:15

out to everyone's shock

52:17

it didn't work not

52:20

even mustache power could save

52:22

the poor BMW I

52:25

just pause for a second he's paid

52:27

a stranger yeah 20 quid to drive a 12

52:29

year old girl home

52:33

it was a different time it was

52:35

a mad time it was a different

52:37

time also why why

52:39

not just leave yeah why

52:42

not just say yeah watch or yeah

52:44

yeah why is the 10 year old

52:46

helping with the pushing yeah you

52:48

must have thought that his 10 year old would be better

52:50

at steering I assume that's the only

52:52

I do that's the only thing I can think of

52:54

because obviously he's younger it's an

52:56

incredible email right I mean you might say

52:58

could you just watch my 12 year old

53:01

while I try and steer

53:03

a BMW out of the lake with

53:05

a 10 year old yeah the

53:08

police then arrived and urged him to

53:10

cease attempt and bring me back to

53:12

safety where they put me in the

53:14

back of their car the car was

53:16

written off I don't know how my

53:18

dad got back to the flat that

53:20

day but my mother had her two

53:22

children delivered to him soaking wet by

53:25

a complete stranger and by a squad

53:27

car needless to say

53:29

divorce happened shortly after Chris

53:32

that's in my top

53:35

that's in my top 15 emails of all time

53:37

I think how imagine trying

53:40

to explain that to your ex oh

53:42

my god explain it to your part

53:44

the current partner would be almost

53:47

impossibly difficult but to your ex when you've got

53:49

all of the the resentment

53:51

of a failed relationship as well do you

53:53

think it'd be covered on insurance surely

53:56

not because that's that's an error active

53:58

god But you shouldn't

54:01

go through the... No, you should go through it.

54:03

Yeah, yeah. Because there's that YouTube

54:05

channel video of that... You know that

54:07

there's a road in England in the

54:09

north that always floods? Right. And

54:11

basically just people spend all day watching the cars try

54:14

and get through. It's so funny

54:16

to watch because about half of the cars... Yeah.

54:19

...just stall and get flooded and have to

54:21

wait to be collected. This

54:25

one really made me laugh. This is

54:27

from Abby in Bath. Hi, Ellis, John

54:29

and producer Dave. I've often found myself

54:31

poised to email the show but have finally

54:33

taken the plunge to contribute to the Dancer

54:36

Mad segment, which has truly tickled me. During

54:39

the first lockdown, my husband and I

54:41

were lucky enough to be living with my parents as we

54:43

just returned from New Zealand. Friday evenings

54:45

during this time often followed

54:47

a particular theme. I was working as a doctor

54:50

on intensive care at the time, so

54:52

some respite, entertainment and delicious food were often

54:54

a necessity after the demanding and sad shifts

54:56

in the week prior. A

54:58

local restaurant had branched out into takeaway

55:00

curry delivery, an enterprise we were only

55:02

too willing to support. We

55:05

would often buy the main ingredients of the curry,

55:07

rarely more than one dish eats, John,

55:11

but to save a bit of money do the

55:13

rice and naan ourselves. I'm

55:15

sure you know that critical 10 minutes prior

55:17

to the serving of a takeaway, making sure

55:19

all the elements are ready at exactly the

55:21

same time, frying off the final naans on

55:23

a smoking pan, all the windows open, the

55:25

extractor fan ready to take off. Oblivious

55:28

to the delicate and somewhat stressful

55:30

process underway, my dad walked calmly

55:32

into the kitchen and silently over

55:34

to the epicentre of the activity

55:36

and placed a wok with a

55:38

pair of trousers inside on the

55:40

hob and proceeded to light a

55:42

guy's name. I

55:45

paused in the rowing of the naan and

55:47

looked at him in disbelief. He

55:50

composed, I asked what on earth are you

55:52

doing dad, and with a sense of completion

55:55

he answered with immense clarity, well

55:57

I need to clean them. What

56:00

followed was an

56:03

exchange of ideas on how

56:05

trousers were conventionally clean and

56:08

recognizing that despite its strong evidence

56:11

I was not going to win

56:13

this one. I decided

56:15

to refocus on the choice of

56:17

timing, the activity. We

56:19

negotiated that the trouser boiling could

56:22

indeed wait until after the curry

56:24

was consumed and to

56:26

this day I still laugh out

56:28

loud at the memory of the

56:30

two-way bemusement of a seemingly completely

56:32

rational task. Thanks for all the

56:35

laughs, Abby and Beth. That's fantastic.

56:38

I mean, is he always doing that? I'm

56:41

just trying to follow... Maybe you can't

56:43

follow the logic of a mad dad

56:45

until you are over 60

56:47

and a father yourself. Yeah. I've got

56:49

neither of those things. Maybe. Can you

56:51

imagine why... I think I'm becoming more

56:54

normal. What's the

56:56

dad methodology there? The hob's

56:58

on, the kitchen's warm, that reminds me, I've

57:00

got to clean my trousers by boiling them

57:02

in a wok. Yeah. It's

57:06

good. But you've got to have the...

57:08

Well, they clearly don't have the awareness of other

57:10

busy things going on in the kitchen at that

57:12

time. Because that's mad on its own, let

57:15

alone the fact that clearly there's a lot going on

57:17

to get ready for the takeaway. There's

57:19

almost two problems. You know what, there are a lot of

57:21

the things that drove

57:24

me... Especially when

57:26

I was younger, it was to either A,

57:28

fit in or B, look attractive. And

57:31

when you... Once you

57:33

stop thinking in those terms... You've tapped out. If

57:35

you've got a solution, you think, well, I'll just

57:37

do that then. Even if your solution... Break

57:40

certain social conventions, you think I'll just do

57:42

that? Yeah. I've got a

57:44

touch of the mad dads. In

57:47

terms of like... You know,

57:49

like my NHS over bed tables, because they're practical

57:51

and disgusting. But

57:53

they make sense. I wouldn't... I

57:57

wouldn't boil trousers in a walk. No, no,

57:59

no. And I certainly wouldn't do it while

58:01

people are preparing a takeaway. No, no, no, no.

58:04

Well, if you have on this...

58:07

I've just been prevented from reading an absolute belter.

58:09

We do read them all and we love them

58:11

all. Never had a bad... Never

58:13

had a mad, bad... Nope. No, dad's

58:15

a mad. We've never had a bad,

58:17

mad, za dad. We need to prevent

58:19

you both. At some point otherwise you

58:21

would just keep reading these for three

58:23

hours. I would do 50 a show.

58:26

I find them so funny. So if

58:28

you've got a great mad dad email,

58:30

send it to us on ellisonjohnofbbc.co.uk or

58:33

if it's a shorter story, you could always WhatsApp us on 07974

58:35

293022. We're

58:40

at Crossed Wise Festival next

58:42

weekend performing. Yeah. You would just do

58:44

an hour and a half of Dads and Mads.

58:47

Are we doing that? Do

58:50

you know what? It's not in the mix but it

58:52

absolutely has to be in the mix. Okay,

58:55

we're having an all-near admin meeting. Yeah. And

58:57

that's just for the live show. That's never

58:59

going to be released on podcast. No, that's

59:01

X-rated Dads and Mads. Yeah, yes. If

59:04

you've got an X-rated Dads and Mads,

59:07

send it to ellisonjohnofbbc.co.uk and

59:09

we'll read it out at the Sheffield Show. I'm

59:22

Sandra and I'm just the professional. I'm the one who your

59:24

small business was looking for. But you

59:26

didn't hire me because you didn't use LinkedIn jobs.

59:29

LinkedIn has professionals you can't find anywhere else,

59:31

including those who aren't actively looking for a new job

59:34

but might be open to the perfect role, like me.

59:37

In a given month, over 70% of LinkedIn users

59:40

don't visit other leading job sites. So

59:42

if you're not looking on LinkedIn, you'll miss out on

59:44

great candidates like Sandra. Start hiring

59:46

professionals like a professional. Post

59:49

your free job on linkedin.com/Achieve

59:51

today. Hold

59:55

up. What was that? Boring. No

59:57

flavor. That was as bad as

59:59

those left. over you ate all

1:00:01

week. Kiki-paw my hair and it's

1:00:03

time to say hello to something

1:00:05

fresh and guilt-free. HelloFresh. Jazz up

1:00:08

dinner with pecan-crusted chicken or garlic

1:00:10

butter shrimps can be. Now that's

1:00:12

music to my mouth. HelloFresh. Let's

1:00:14

get this dinner party started. Discover

1:00:17

all the delicious possibilities at hellofresh.com.

1:00:30

Ellis, I was perusing the internet the other

1:00:33

day and I came across an article entitled

1:00:35

The 50 Coolest Things to Buy Online in

1:00:37

2024. Oh yeah. Do you know what that

1:00:39

list included? A rubber chicken purse,

1:00:41

a duck floating tea infuser and an umbrella

1:00:43

for dogs. None of which actually

1:00:46

sound very cool. But do you know what was

1:00:48

missing from that list? G-lays, dartboards

1:00:50

and whippling knives. Because all of

1:00:52

those things are in Ellis and

1:00:54

John's Cool Club. Horticulture,

1:00:57

graphite grey, foreign cuisine,

1:01:00

hair gel, bespoke board

1:01:02

games. Ellis and John's

1:01:05

Cool Club. Cool Club. Every

1:01:08

week as the conciliaries of cool we

1:01:10

go through your suggestions to decide whether

1:01:12

they should be added to the Cool

1:01:14

Club. Submit something cool, send an email

1:01:16

to ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk or WhatsApp us

1:01:19

on 07974 293 and doo doo. Well,

1:01:25

hmm, interesting. Interesting.

1:01:29

Um, I'm

1:01:31

going to go for this one from Amanda. Hi

1:01:33

Ellis, John and producer Dave. I

1:01:36

would like to make a submission for Cool Club. Learning

1:01:39

to drive later in life. In

1:01:42

March 2023, at the very young and relevant age of

1:01:44

43, I decided to take

1:01:47

the plunge and book some driving lessons with an

1:01:49

instructor. And after a few lessons, our husband James

1:01:51

was also taking me out in our car and

1:01:53

the driving house was soon racking up. With

1:01:55

stepdaughter Grace learning at the same time,

1:01:58

it was very interesting. 18,

1:02:00

Grace wanted to pass as soon as possible, while I

1:02:02

was not in such a hurry to sit my test.

1:02:05

She went on to pass first time in

1:02:07

August 2023, and I can honestly say I've

1:02:10

never felt prouder of another human being. Due

1:02:12

to waiting times at the local test centre, my test

1:02:14

was booked for March 2024. My

1:02:17

lessons continued as did driving practice with the

1:02:19

support of James. In the odd argument and

1:02:22

dips in my confidence, we made it to

1:02:24

March 2024 with no files

1:02:26

for divorce. Test day came, and I am

1:02:28

happy to say that I passed my driving

1:02:30

test first time with minimal minors. I'm

1:02:33

still getting used to being in the car on

1:02:35

my own, but the feeling of achievement outweighs the

1:02:37

nerves most days. I really hope this

1:02:39

makes it into cool clubs so that everyone who is

1:02:41

thinking of doing this, no matter what their age, goes

1:02:43

for it. Age is just a number.

1:02:45

It also gives me the chance to tell James

1:02:47

and Grace again that I couldn't have done it

1:02:49

without them both. They never doubted my driving ability

1:02:51

throughout, and I loved them both very much for

1:02:53

all their support. Thanks,

1:02:56

Amanda. Thanks, Amanda. I

1:02:58

loved that. Izzy learnt to

1:03:00

drive about 10 years ago. So

1:03:03

she was in her 30s, and we used to

1:03:05

go out in the car, and that is the densest

1:03:07

we've ever been as a couple. My grandmother learnt to

1:03:09

drive in her 60s. Great. Really?

1:03:11

Yeah, yeah. Talk me through the tension

1:03:15

with Izzy. We probably covered this at the time.

1:03:17

That's how old we are now. It's

1:03:19

not Izzy's fault, but we lived in

1:03:21

Elephant and Castle. Not that roundabout. Exactly.

1:03:23

They've actually changed that roundabout. Well, now

1:03:25

it's even more confusing. But

1:03:28

it's amazing for cyclists now, before

1:03:31

it was terrifying. It's a baffling

1:03:33

roundabout. Yeah, but they've... I

1:03:36

lived in Elephant, and I didn't recognise it

1:03:38

the first time I went there after they'd

1:03:40

done all that stuff. It's

1:03:43

actually, you have to go the wrong way round

1:03:45

the roundabout. Yeah, mad. But we lived on the

1:03:47

roundabout. Wait in the middle,

1:03:49

in the little bit that's made by the council?

1:03:51

Yeah, awful. Awful way to live. Yeah,

1:03:53

yeah, yeah. Come in through their windows. And

1:03:56

so you couldn't go anywhere without negotiating

1:03:58

the elephant roundabout. And when she

1:04:01

was a new slash

1:04:03

and confident driver, you

1:04:05

were basically... I

1:04:08

was... patient,

1:04:13

understanding, and very

1:04:15

scared. How

1:04:18

often did the imaginary brakes go down on your side? Well,

1:04:20

you don't have them, do you? No, but I've had them

1:04:22

over the imaginary one every ten seconds. And

1:04:25

even then, you know, we can go on the

1:04:27

old Kent Road or Walrus Road. It's just so

1:04:29

busy. So in the end I stopped taking

1:04:31

them out. She just went out on her own. I

1:04:34

think the best place to learn how to

1:04:36

drive is a quiet, market town. Lumberton. Thornbury

1:04:38

was the best place. Yeah, I learned in

1:04:40

Camarverton. Because it's all residential streets, it's

1:04:42

lots of junctions, there's the odd, busy-ish

1:04:45

road, there are roundabouts, they're all very

1:04:47

straightforward roundabouts. Yes, yes, yes. There's access

1:04:49

to a dual carriageway when you get

1:04:51

there. Yeah, that's the

1:04:53

Camarverton experience. Learning in central London would

1:04:56

be an absolute nightmare. My mother learnt

1:04:58

to drive in central London because she was a teacher

1:05:00

and she played for a job in London. They said

1:05:03

he would teach her. He would drive, don't you say?

1:05:06

Yes. She

1:05:08

got the job and had to learn double-click. Because

1:05:11

the problem with learning to drive in London is

1:05:13

you're also learning from other drivers what the rules

1:05:15

are. Yeah, yeah. So in London, I would imagine

1:05:17

people would go into their instructor. Oh,

1:05:19

what's that person doing? They're breaking the law. What's that person

1:05:21

doing? They're breaking the law. Don't do that. It's not your

1:05:24

fault. It's his fault. This shouldn't be happening. Although

1:05:27

my friend who lived

1:05:30

in Lumberton came to my school, he

1:05:32

passed his test and then drove to

1:05:34

Camarverton. But there were no roundabouts

1:05:36

in Lumberton, and so he'd never been on a roundabout

1:05:38

before. Wow. And yeah, yeah. And he

1:05:40

put it still on it. He got there in the end. But

1:05:44

yeah, it's a small market town, best place to learn to

1:05:46

drive. I'm very impressed with you, Munder. I think that is

1:05:48

cool. I think that should go into school. Also,

1:05:50

on a more serious note, older

1:05:53

drivers tend to be much safer. Of course. And

1:05:57

also there's something...

1:06:00

nice about not having a huge

1:06:02

amount of time pressure because when I was learning

1:06:04

it was almost like a competition in the year

1:06:07

group. Absolutely. Like who could... I know I could

1:06:09

tell you the first person was, he was my

1:06:11

friend Arlid. And he wasn't a safe driver. Oh

1:06:13

Arlid, well Arlid was a farmer so he learned

1:06:15

to drive on farms from about the age of

1:06:18

nine. Right. So he drove like a sort of 40 year

1:06:20

old bloke. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:23

Because then you could be the person who gives

1:06:25

people lift to McDonald's. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

1:06:27

that equals prestige. Well

1:06:30

I was going to be a little bit more... A little bit

1:06:32

bluer. We are. ...bluer. Babes.

1:06:37

How many babes were you taking to McDonald's? On

1:06:40

a week. When a

1:06:42

guy turns up outside school in a 1991

1:06:44

30th anniversary mini... Oh!

1:06:49

Yes. Oh okay. With

1:06:51

mauve leather interior. 1991 Ford Fiesta Kingfisher. He's

1:06:53

got a national... With a Fisher of Kingfisher

1:06:55

next to the petrol cup. He's

1:06:58

got a national trust sticker in the back. Who is

1:07:00

this guy? He clearly

1:07:02

values English heritage. He's

1:07:04

playing pretty loud Lou

1:07:06

Reed. He's wearing a velvet

1:07:09

jacket. He's smoking a miniature cigar. I

1:07:12

want to get to know this guy. He's

1:07:14

got beaded seat covers. I like... I like

1:07:16

kiss him days. I also fancy a double

1:07:18

cheeseburger. Mmm. Yeah, that

1:07:20

was very much the vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get

1:07:22

it done. And

1:07:24

if you took more than a few months people would take

1:07:27

the mic. It was awful. Yeah.

1:07:30

But Amanda, not bothered. Oh, the day you

1:07:32

passed though. I don't think there's a feeling

1:07:34

of freedom like it. I drove to St.

1:07:36

Claire's. I went to

1:07:38

the traffic centre. I drove to the little

1:07:40

chef in St. Claire's and then just came

1:07:42

back. My friend Sam had

1:07:45

a lime green mini with black stripes

1:07:47

over the bonnet that he

1:07:49

shared with his sister, my friend Sophie.

1:07:51

And I remember driving past

1:07:54

school listening to the final

1:07:56

countdown by Europe really loud

1:07:58

with the windows down. Yeah,

1:08:00

yeah, my friend Shan it was difficult

1:08:03

because she didn't always have access to

1:08:05

the Yaris. Mmm So

1:08:09

that's definitely going into cool Club Amanda learning

1:08:11

to drive in later life. Yeah, we'll have

1:08:13

more items next week Anyway,

1:08:15

we're gonna leave it there. We will

1:08:17

be back very soon Stay

1:08:20

tuned to your podcast feeds because we can

1:08:22

drop any minute Anyway,

1:08:27

thank you very much for listening to the Ellis James

1:08:29

and John Robbins podcast. Goodbye. Bye. Bye You Hold

1:08:47

up. What was that? Boring. No

1:08:49

flavor. That was as bad as

1:08:51

those leftovers you ate all week.

1:08:53

Kiki Palmer here, and it's time

1:08:55

to say hello to something fresh

1:08:57

and guilt-free. HelloFresh. Jazz up dinner

1:08:59

with pecan, crusted chicken, or garlic

1:09:01

butter shrimp scampi. Now that's music

1:09:03

to my mouth. HelloFresh. Let's

1:09:05

get this dinner party started.

1:09:07

Discover all the delicious possibilities

1:09:10

at hellofresh.com. Hey,

1:09:14

I hear you think podcasts are all about

1:09:16

true crime, huh? Well wise guy the I

1:09:18

heart radio apps got all kinds of podcasts

1:09:21

We got stuff you should know and stuff.

1:09:23

They don't want you to know We got

1:09:25

Bobby bones big boy and Lou later. We

1:09:27

got spongebob binge pants and exotic erotic story

1:09:29

time We got dough boys two dudes in

1:09:32

the kitchen green eggs and dance. Hey, we

1:09:34

got elf quest We got podcasts

1:09:36

for everything on the I heart radio app

1:09:38

for free. If you don't download that well

1:09:41

That's not just a true call my friend. That's

1:09:43

criminal