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Unlimited slows. 1999

14:01

you drive thousands of miles a year. Yeah. Have

14:03

you ever said to anyone, wish

14:06

I could sleep on my car? No,

14:08

no. I mean,

14:10

there were, there are situations in

14:12

which, for example,

14:15

you know, last night would

14:17

have been easier to sleep on my car than

14:19

to drive to

14:22

Buckinghamshire via Gloucester and Oxford and

14:24

you know, loads of B roads.

14:26

Yeah. I guess if you were

14:29

drinking, but

14:32

there are quite strict rules about where you

14:34

can and can't sleep in your car. And

14:36

there is strict rules about when

14:38

you can sleep, if you're drunk, like in, and you've got

14:40

the car keys on you. I think if you're asleep in

14:42

the car and you're drunk, I think

14:45

you can still get the, what if you're

14:47

asleep on the car? Exactly. It's a great,

14:49

it's an odd legal area. If you're parking

14:51

near a sort of major road with that,

14:53

you're going to get so much noise

14:55

and it will be very unsafe if

14:58

someone crashed into you. Well, I mean,

15:00

I mean, I'm interested by it. Park

15:04

the car on a sort of

15:06

conventional Orthodox campsite. Well,

15:08

all the pictures, just then get on top of

15:10

your car. But yeah, but then that makes me

15:12

wonder what's the point because all the pictures, that

15:14

should be the first thing you think all the

15:16

pictures are of the car in a field and

15:18

then the tents on top of

15:21

the car. So if your car's already in the field, the

15:24

only thing I can think is sometimes if it's a

15:26

wet ground, but that's why tents have

15:28

bottoms on them. Yeah. Yeah. But

15:31

sometimes it's a bit uneven. Sometimes it's a bit

15:33

knobbly and bobbly with the soil and the rocks.

15:35

Yeah. But then surely I'm guessing that that tent

15:37

has a solid floor, which would be the same

15:39

if you put it on the ground. I

15:42

mean, you're talking to me as if I'm

15:44

the one commissioning tents on cars. If you've

15:46

ever slept in a tent on a car

15:48

that's designed to go on a car, let

15:50

us know. Ellis and John at bbc.co.uk. How

15:53

did it help you? I'm, I'm concerned that

15:55

cost of living crisis wise, this

15:57

is for people who have to sleep in their cars

15:59

because they don't. a

24:00

boxing aid story. No one else

24:02

is doing this. No

24:05

one else. No, there's not a podcast

24:07

on earth, not even the boxing ones are doing. Have

24:09

you ever been helped by a professional boxer? They

24:12

must be doing that. Have you ever been helped by

24:14

a professional? We should ask Bunce. Ask Steve

24:16

Bunce if he's doing it. Well, of course he

24:18

will have been. Because he's around boxes all

24:20

the time. They're blending in pens. Yeah. Yeah.

24:22

Yeah. Giving him a spare set of boxes.

24:24

No, but like he's not doing as a

24:26

feature on his podcast. Yeah. Hi,

24:29

let's John and Dave. I'm currently consuming two

24:31

to three sessions of your top quality content

24:33

in a desperate attempt to catch up. I'm

24:36

ashamed to admit that I've only recently discovered

24:38

you while listening today. I saw an opportunity

24:40

to contribute in a minor way. Back

24:43

in 1983, I was living

24:45

with my girlfriend in Bushy Heath, a

24:47

small community nestled between Stannmore and Watford

24:49

in Hertfordshire. We both had

24:51

jobs in sales and committed by car

24:53

to central London daily. One morning, my girlfriend

24:55

had a late meeting, meaning she could

24:58

set off up to 9am rather than the

25:00

usual 7.30. That morning, her car,

25:02

a surprisingly heavy BMW 3

25:04

Series, decided it was on strike and refused

25:07

to start. As luck would

25:09

have it, John Conti, BCG gold

25:11

medal winner, WBC light heavyweight title

25:13

holder and film star appeared on

25:15

the ceiling. This wasn't as

25:17

strange as it sounds. John was a local resident

25:19

who often pounded the streets to keep fit, rocky

25:21

style and grey hoodies and jogging pants, always

25:24

ready to slow down for pleasantries and local

25:26

gossip. I should stop digging a box. He

25:28

was doing his

25:31

morning run to offer him local gossip.

25:33

Anyway, after a quick look at the

25:35

car, John suggested a bump start. I

25:37

used to bump start my car all

25:39

the time. I haven't done that for

25:41

years. The Nissan Bluebird? No, the

25:43

Ford Fiesta Kingfisher I used to because we lived on a hill

25:46

so I was able to bump start it because it often

25:48

didn't start. My girlfriend took

25:50

her position in the driver's seat, foot firmly

25:52

on the clutch, first gear engaged.

25:55

John would push the car to get it rolling down the street

25:57

and when the car reached the He'd

26:00

shout, now! for her to release the clutch and

26:02

hopefully fight for the engine. He's got a very

26:04

thick, scarce accident. Yeah, yeah. The

26:06

car went about 10 yards and almost roared to life,

26:08

but alas, the attempt failed. John,

26:11

fully engaged and determined, decided to

26:13

take the driver seat himself to

26:15

diagnose the problem. Within moments he

26:17

had it, the car was out of

26:19

petrol. Now, if it had

26:21

been me, I would have asked if she had a petrol can in

26:23

the car and pointed to the petrol station that was about 600 yards

26:26

up the road. But not John. No,

26:29

John had a better idea. Get

26:31

in, he said, I'll push you to the

26:33

fuel station. This meant turning

26:35

the car around and John exerting maximum

26:37

effort to push a one-ton car with

26:39

a driver 600 yards

26:41

up a slight but long incline.

26:45

After about 20 yards, my girlfriend heard a shout,

26:47

have you got the hombrech on love? She

26:49

had. He

26:52

eventually made it to the

26:54

petrol station and everything turned

26:57

out well. My

26:59

girlfriend didn't recognise her famous helper, only describing

27:01

him as the scruffy-looking chap in the grey

27:03

hoodie and sweatpants who jogs up her road.

27:05

When I asked if she'd offered the WBC-liked

27:07

heavyweight title holder anything for his troubles, she

27:09

replied, no, I was late for my meeting

27:11

and I had to rush off. We

27:14

didn't see John locally after this incident, however,

27:16

we did see him in a TV show

27:18

called Boon and my girlfriend recognised him then.

27:20

I'm enjoying your brilliant content, reminding

27:22

me of my mad dad, my petty

27:24

issues, the wheels on my golf trolley

27:26

and suitcase and my shame. My brother

27:28

lives in Chile and would love to

27:30

have Adrian visit, best regards, dominate. What

27:32

a shift by Conti. Incredible behaviour. And

27:34

it's very much like what a boxer

27:36

would do to train. Yeah, yeah. He

27:39

pushed cars to petrol station. He was

27:41

a big star in the 70s and

27:43

80s. He was loved as well, John

27:45

Conti. That's incredible. It's the idea

27:47

as well that he's pushing a one ton

27:49

car. Thank

27:55

you for everyone who emailed in to say

27:57

that polling stuff are paid. They're not volunteers.

28:00

as we suggested last week. Interesting. Sorry, that was my

28:02

assumption. Presiding officers get £350 quid and poll clerks £250

28:04

quid, but

28:08

it's quite in-depth because you get all the stuff a couple

28:11

of days in advance and have to sort through it all.

28:13

Yeah. I don't think it's a skive. No,

28:15

but they just look like they're always having quite a nice

28:17

time. Yeah. They're

28:19

always in good spirits. Yes. Yes.

28:22

This is from Sarah, and this is in response

28:25

to the question we asked Nish last week about

28:28

what's the best emergency

28:30

supermarket present. And Sarah

28:32

says, I'm not sure if you are seriously

28:34

looking to solve the emergency supermarket gift problem,

28:36

but the answer is always a hamper. Pick

28:40

a theme. Spanish wine and cheese, afternoon

28:42

tea, vegan goodies, Italian food, old school

28:44

sweets and get shopping. And if there's

28:46

a WH Smith in the vicinity, secure

28:48

a gift box and some shredded paper

28:50

for extra effort points. That

28:52

should tide you over until you can get a

28:54

decent present. Love the show. Keep up the good

28:56

work. That's a very good idea. That is a

28:59

good suggestion. I'd want to avoid anything with own

29:01

branding on though. Yeah. Because you want to

29:03

make it look like you've ordered it online. I was going to

29:05

say, I think the quality of hamper

29:09

is quite noticeable depending on what supermarket

29:11

you're getting it from. Yeah. The problem

29:13

with that email is it's just made

29:15

me think that I haven't done something.

29:18

It's given me that you haven't bought a birthday

29:20

present for so and so feeling, even though I

29:23

am in the clear. Are you sure? It's Father's

29:25

Day this Sunday. I don't have to buy myself anything, do

29:27

I? No, I just sort

29:29

of lie back and get loaded. I

29:31

mean, I won't get anything. Right.

29:38

Okay. It's the feature the whole

29:40

nation is talking about. You've been

29:42

sending in many problems that need

29:44

solving and our phones contain the

29:46

contacts of the greatest brain repository

29:49

in the world, i.e. the standup

29:51

comedians of mainland UK. So it's

29:53

time to call a comedian. And

29:56

we've got I've got a great idea. So

29:58

we have lined up. a

30:00

certain Mike Wozniak. Hello Mike. Hello.

30:04

How are you? Very well thanks. How

30:06

are you guys doing? Very good. You're one of

30:08

the wisest people I know. That's

30:10

true. You're also one third of the

30:12

best podcast on earth. That's

30:15

true. But which third? Do you know what I

30:17

mean? That's the question. Well I

30:19

think some, I mean as a

30:21

three being salad completist, I

30:24

think sometimes you and Ben hide your light too

30:27

firmly under a bushel. And

30:30

I think sometimes you've got to put your heel

30:33

on the neck of that packer. But

30:36

that's why he wants to do it all remotely.

30:38

That's why it's not done IRL. We

30:41

could physically restrain him. He knows that. Yeah.

30:43

And we warned him when he wanted to

30:45

do the podcast in the first place and

30:47

we made it clear that it would just

30:49

be him yampering on indefinitely. And

30:52

yeah, so there's no there's no control in

30:55

the man. But I love your chats about

30:57

provincial dad life. I loved, there was a

30:59

period when you were talking an awful lot

31:01

about sort of John Lecare and Grisham adjacent

31:04

literature, which I know is one of your

31:06

passions, which I loved. Yeah.

31:08

Even as a dog denier,

31:12

I like Pam's pretty right

31:15

wing take on sort of

31:17

woke culture. Pam

31:19

seems to shut down a lot of artsy

31:21

fartsy chat with her barking from the background.

31:24

Well, maybe then we need to get you

31:26

involved in the in the prequel because Henry

31:28

is always late for everything, as you know,

31:30

including the recording. So normally

31:32

what happens is that Ben and I sit there for a

31:34

while having a lovely, lovely sedate

31:36

chat. And that's when

31:38

you might get chat about tide timetables

31:41

and well, I think you may be

31:43

a station. Do you release the pre

31:45

Henry episodes? Because that would be very

31:47

funny. Sort of before

31:49

Henry joins the room. Yes,

31:52

it's really boring. But yeah, I think you might

31:55

enjoy it. Yeah, certain types that might really find

31:57

it quite soothing. Because if you go been

32:00

salud, Twitter page, all the

32:02

Instagram, the last video

32:04

you put up of talking about

32:06

Henry berating Ben about sinks is

32:09

one of the funniest things I've seen for

32:11

a very long time. And my, my favorite,

32:13

my personal favorite anecdote of all time is

32:16

from the fire episode on the 7th of June,

32:19

2023. And it's 39 minutes and 55 seconds in,

32:24

and it involves Henry smashing a lot of plates. And I

32:26

must have listened to it 35 times. My

32:30

favorite episode is when Henry is describing

32:33

the rat catcher he had

32:35

in his house, the South

32:38

African guy. You

32:41

see the thing is Henry, a

32:43

rat can get through a pen, a big

32:45

bar. Anyway,

32:50

Mike, we've got you in to solve

32:52

a listener dilemma, because we know you're

32:54

the wisest person in Exeter. And

33:00

this week's dilemma comes from Ben.

33:02

Ben says my YouTube algorithms have

33:04

been ruined by my flatmates viewing

33:06

habits. Everything I'm now

33:09

recommended involves either Nazis or wrestling.

33:11

I should stress that he's not right

33:13

wing. My homepage is a

33:15

mess. And whenever friends watch YouTube on

33:18

my TV, they see all the previous

33:20

searches, including Reichstag, fire, Ray Mysterio, Adolf

33:22

Hitler, etc. What should I do?

33:30

Interesting. I think you need to submit to

33:32

the algorithm, Ben, because if you if you

33:34

if you resist the algorithm, the algorithm is

33:36

going to get you the algorithm is getting

33:39

stronger every single day. Yeah, that's just gonna,

33:41

it's gonna suck you out and spit you

33:43

out. And I think your flatmates turn you

33:45

a favour because he's he's

33:47

burst your bubble. We're all in our bubbles, Ben.

33:49

Come on. We're all in our echo

33:51

chambers. Let's all spend a bit of time thinking

33:55

about the third Reich instead, shall we? Because that's

33:57

a bit of you, isn't it, Mike? Reichstag

34:00

fire a documentary.

34:03

It's a great bit. I mean, it's

34:05

fascinating stuff. Take a deep dive, enjoy

34:08

the history and enjoy the theatre and

34:10

the spectacle of wrestling.

34:12

Maybe your flatmate thinks you need A

34:15

to accumulate more knowledge, Ben, with

34:17

respect, and maybe B, he

34:19

thinks you need a bit more razzmatazz. Mike.

34:23

The wrestling is happening. You were talking there about

34:25

algorithms. I've

34:28

known you a very long time. You used

34:30

to be. Not

34:32

great with tech. I remain

34:34

not great with tech, but even I

34:36

am aware that there is this word

34:38

called algorithm and that

34:41

it means something and

34:43

it's there and it's around. I

34:46

can't remember if this is you or Izzy's

34:48

mum. Which

34:50

puts you in a real sort of

34:52

that's the group of the least techie

34:54

people in Alice's life. I'm not sure

34:56

if this is you or if this

34:58

is someone Izzy's mum knows. Did

35:01

you not know that you could either turn your computer off

35:03

or you didn't know that you could close a tab on

35:05

your computer? That you went to have been

35:08

about a thousand tabs. That

35:12

does sound like it could have been me.

35:17

Circulate noughties. Yes.

35:21

I think this is funny. I

35:24

think I was. Yes. That it was something that you would sort of

35:26

fill up and complete and when it was full, you had to sort

35:28

of dispose of it and get a new one. Wasn't

35:33

quite sure. Wasn't

35:35

quite sure how it works necessarily.

35:38

So, Ben, lean into the rhythm.

35:40

Yeah. You know, the rhythm is the

35:42

bass and the bass is the treble. Claim ownership of it.

35:45

You know, enjoy learning about the second world

35:47

war. I'd love to know what your yings

35:49

are, Ben. Because I think your friend probably

35:51

knows you very well and he's yanging your

35:54

yings there. I have very fond memories of

35:56

Sunday afternoons at home watching the world at

35:58

war. Yes. the

36:00

best documentary series ever. I had

36:02

it on DVD. We

36:05

used to talk about the world at war a

36:07

lot, didn't we? Yes. It's the one thing you

36:09

have in common with Noah Gallagher. He's also a

36:11

very big fan of the world at war. Yeah,

36:13

it's very sort of feels very dramatic. I mean,

36:15

obviously the second world war, all war

36:17

is dramatic. Yes. But it feels very, how

36:20

would you describe the tone of it? Sort

36:23

of quite statesman-like. Yes, statesman-like and

36:25

solemn. Yes. Incredibly made by ITV.

36:27

Was it? Who narrates

36:30

it? Lons Olivia. Yes, that's right. Are

36:33

you a world at war guy, Mike? Yeah,

36:37

it's the gold standard. Yeah, it is

36:39

still the gold standard. Well, thank you

36:41

so much for joining us. What's coming

36:44

up in the Bean Realm? We

36:47

just did one. What was it about?

36:49

Game shows. Now,

36:51

Mike, I have submitted

36:53

three different topics to the Bean

36:55

Machine. I submitted them originally

36:58

by email. And then when the Bean Machine went

37:01

online, I submitted them again and neither of them

37:03

have come up. I'm

37:06

not in control of the Bean Machine. No one is in

37:08

control of the Bean Machine. It's entirely random,

37:11

but also in a way arbitrary

37:16

because I think

37:18

quite a lot of the episode this

37:20

time is Henry talking about a duck

37:22

sausage. We

37:26

just couldn't get him off the

37:29

topic. We wish you all the best.

37:31

Thank you so much for coming on

37:33

and solving Ben's dilemma. Good luck,

37:35

Ben. And God willing, we'll have another dilemma for

37:37

you to solve, someone to solve next week. Yes.

37:39

Thank you, Mike. Bye. If

37:42

you've got a dilemma you'd like a comedian

37:44

to solve, you can email us, ellisonjohn at

37:46

bbc.co.uk. And do feel free to ask for

37:48

a specific comedian and we will see if

37:50

we can source them. But

37:52

now let's check in with Charles. Ellis

37:58

and John are coming up dying. directly.

38:00

Hello, fellows. Hello, Adrian. How

38:02

are you doing? I'm okay. Thank

38:04

you. How are you? Well, we

38:07

are full of ideas because your chat

38:09

last week has sparked a sort of

38:11

commissioning process in the top echelons of

38:14

the BBC because

38:16

you pitched the idea of

38:19

Childs in Chile because

38:22

obviously your name

38:24

contains some of the letters of Chile and

38:26

that's enough to get something away at the

38:28

BBC these days. But

38:30

this sparked listener Rob to come up

38:32

with some more exact anagrams of your

38:35

name that could be made into travel

38:37

shows. Right. So I thought I'd take

38:39

you through them. First off,

38:42

we got Rachel's India in

38:44

which you, I Ellis and Rachel Burden,

38:47

explore India from the perspective

38:49

of a five live broadcaster.

38:52

Next off is a bit more close to home. It's

38:55

Chi Dr Nailsie, where

38:58

I, you, Ellis and

39:00

Bristol's leading Chinese energy

39:02

practitioner explore Nailsie

39:05

and the surrounds. Nailsie

39:08

is just Bristol.

39:10

Oh yes. Yes. Okay. Next off,

39:12

we've got a very... It's not

39:14

Chile. It's not Santi Argo. I

39:16

like it. But

39:19

the next one's very moving

39:21

actually, where we explore the

39:23

famous Dorset Shingle beach in

39:25

Chezil, Nadir. And

39:27

all of us walk wistfully along

39:29

the Shingle reading

39:31

on Chezle beach, of

39:34

course, to the sound of rousing

39:36

music. Have you walked on

39:38

that bit? It's a hard old slog.

39:40

That Shingle's not easy to work with.

39:42

It's like Brighton beach. I hate Shingle.

39:44

Yeah. Brighton beach is... I can't bear

39:47

that. I can't bear that.

39:49

Shingle doesn't just stick in

39:51

your crevices and between your toes like

39:53

Sam does. Shingle's awkward to walk in, but

39:55

you're not still finding it six months

39:57

later. Oh, that's part of the... Adrian.

40:01

The next one, Adrian, that Rob

40:03

suggests is Iceland's hair, where

40:06

you, Alice and I, take a

40:10

sort of, we view a sconce, the

40:12

history of hairdos in Iceland, with

40:15

guest host Bjork. Of course, yes. And

40:18

finally, Lancashire ID. This

40:21

is where we go for ride-alongs

40:23

with the Lancashire Police Force and

40:26

interrupt bad drivers, bald tyres and

40:29

county lines, drugs, gangs. Using the stinger.

40:31

Using the stinger and the big red

40:33

key. Adrian, have you ever done a

40:36

ride-along sort of police programme? No,

40:39

I haven't, but funnily enough, funnily

40:42

enough, I am supposed to go and do one with,

40:46

with the main sort of traffic control,

40:49

what do they call them now? With

40:51

the traffic? Highways, highways, main points. That's

40:53

no, not maintenance. Traffic officers. No, that's

40:55

my, that's season two, that is, the

40:57

maintenance section. It's the first one going

40:59

out with the, with traffic officers and

41:01

I'm really fascinated to do that. But

41:04

something cropped up last night and I

41:06

couldn't come. But I mean, look, there's,

41:09

I mean, they're like saloon cars. We could

41:11

get three of us on the back seat

41:13

shortly. Perhaps we could all three of us

41:15

go along. That is John's dream. And

41:18

now you've ruined my, well, our show, because

41:20

he's so jealous that he would be unable

41:22

to broadcast. John, I'm going to get you

41:24

to, but you can't be japing all the

41:27

way through you. There's got to be some

41:29

serious content. Oh, I could use some of

41:31

my takedowns, Adrian. I have

41:33

watched so many episodes of Police Interceptors,

41:35

Traffic Cops and the like, that

41:38

I'm pretty sure I could, I

41:40

could do it all by the book. It's basically a cop, isn't

41:42

it? Yeah. Okay. Interesting.

41:45

So if you ever got nicked, you'd

41:48

know how to play it, would you?

41:51

Oh yeah. No comment. No

41:54

comment. No comment. And

41:58

call that bloke in Manchester. Nick something

42:00

in it that gets people off. Oh,

42:03

the loophole lawyer who got Alex Ferguson

42:05

off. He used to get all of

42:07

the big celebs off speeding tickets. Yeah,

42:09

we're into sort of dodgy legal territory

42:12

now, so we'd better just peter out

42:14

from this segment. Well,

42:17

I'm up for all those

42:19

ideas. Good stuff.

42:21

So look forward to that. Have a

42:23

great show. Splendid Weekend 2. Alison John.

42:25

Thank you. Thanks Adrian. Let's get the

42:27

news and sport. It's just got 11.

42:43

There you go. Lovely Adrian. In many

42:45

ways, the father of the nation. Oh,

42:47

yeah. We'd be in

42:49

a good place if Adrian Shylers was the father

42:51

of the nation. Yes, absolutely. We would. She

42:54

was a sort of kindly more knuck. Well

42:56

folks, as you know, Euros fever

42:59

has hit some people in the

43:01

country and is going to continue

43:03

for four weeks, five weeks,

43:06

two weeks, three weeks, a while. It's

43:08

about three weeks, I think. Obviously, Fringland, it depends

43:10

on how far they get in a tournament in

43:12

Scotland as well. And

43:14

for the way we haven't, it's over. It

43:17

would be remiss of us here on the Ellis

43:20

James and John Robbins podcast to not make use

43:23

of Ellis's incredible football journalisming

43:25

brain. Yes. Because

43:28

you've not got any opportunities to use it.

43:32

No, so many great articles going

43:34

on written. Yeah. So

43:36

many articles about Nico Williams that will never see

43:39

the light of day. But

43:41

did you write an article about the Gibraltar game? No, because I was

43:44

too sad. No. It

43:47

stops me from being an actual football journalist.

43:49

If I'm sad, I'm unable to write. So

43:52

we have brought back a very popular feature

43:54

here that we used to do on the

43:56

Five Live show during major sporting events. It's

43:58

Ellis James's sports desk. Hello,

44:08

this is Ellis James at the Sports

44:10

Desk, sportingly bringing you every sporting story

44:13

possible in a non-sports show that lives

44:15

on a sports station dedicated to bringing

44:17

you the best sporting action in a

44:19

fantastic summer of football. Starting

44:22

with the Tartan Army and with Scotland

44:24

taking part in tonight's opening game against

44:27

hosts Germany and Munich, it was reported

44:29

that Glasgow Airport had run out of

44:31

tenants lager by 9am

44:33

yesterday. Ex-user

44:35

Chris McCall said I'm told it was the same

44:37

at Edinburgh Airport last night and angry

44:40

pals left drinking Stella. Footage

44:42

has emerged of Scottish fans jumping

44:44

in fountains as is tradition and

44:46

serenading Germans with the bagpipes, something

44:48

that makes me so distressed with

44:50

jealousy that if I think about

44:52

it for too long my bowels

44:54

move from unremarkable to problematic. Kyle

44:58

Walker has revealed that during Euro 2020,

45:00

England players were prepared to play for

45:02

their country in the biggest honour of

45:04

their professional lives by conducting movie nights

45:07

and occasionally movie days after training, with

45:09

Ben White and Calvin Phillips watching up

45:11

to four films in a sitting. Behaviour

45:13

I haven't seen since I was a

45:15

student, a librous summer who smoked too

45:18

much weed. It was

45:20

sports drinks and matcha tea for the

45:22

England team no doubt. For my stoner

45:24

friend Simon, it was a diet of

45:26

cannabis cigarettes, Maryland cookies and yop from

45:28

the 24 hour spa on City Road

45:30

in Cardiff. There might be some

45:32

light at the end of the tunnel for England fans desperate

45:35

for glory however, because by the time he

45:37

was 25 Simon had seen the

45:39

error of his ways, given up the Mary Jane

45:41

and had a fairly decent job as a s***.

45:44

Having met a sports physiotherapist called s***, made it

45:46

clear in no uncertain terms that she didn't approve

45:49

of his lifestyle and wanted to get her foot

45:51

on the first rung of the property ladder by

45:53

2010. A

46:00

happy couple managed with over three months

46:02

to spare. Who knows, maybe if White

46:04

and Phillips can stay away from the

46:06

combination of super strong Skunkweed and watching

46:08

the big Lebowski, Jade, and Silent Bob

46:10

strike back the tenacious D films in

46:12

American Pie 1 and 2 on rotation,

46:14

they might be able to win a

46:16

major tournament for the first time since

46:18

1966. And there'll

46:21

be another sports-esque this time next

46:23

week. Good stuff. And

46:25

there are other sports as well. Is

46:27

the US open today? Yeah, well, yeah.

46:29

Oh, I've forgotten about the US open because

46:31

I've just got... Euro

46:33

fever. ...Biproxi, Euro fever. Oh.

46:37

Very good stuff. Sorry, I need to snop out

46:39

of this. It's fine. That was good.

46:41

Didn't mind that at all. That was good because,

46:44

to be honest, there was an awful

46:46

lot of negativity in the studio when I walked in.

46:48

Same as there was for my guy to share from

46:50

when we did the live show. No, no, no. I

46:52

was a big fan of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After the event, when

46:54

I proved that I could do it. After

46:56

all the event, Dave looked at it and said, this

46:59

is too long. I thought

47:01

it was too long. But

47:03

once again, you proved me wrong, Ellis, that

47:05

things can be long in your world and

47:07

it's fine because you make it good and

47:09

long. It's good and long.

47:12

Yeah, the Lord of the Rings was good and

47:14

long. You hate the Lord of the Rings. I

47:16

do, yeah, but I accept there are people out there who like it. I

47:19

read it at the age of

47:21

nine and a half, which is the right age to read

47:23

it. Sorry. The general concern with the

47:26

Sportsex, which again, you've proved not given up. John

47:28

can do it. No, no, no, no. Well, no,

47:30

he'll do one about the US Open next week

47:32

and then you'll love that. Let

47:34

me, Ellis. Let me. The

47:37

concern was the topicality might scupper

47:39

the feature. I actually think it's funny enough

47:41

to live even though you are talking about

47:43

a game that's going to kick off in

47:46

six hours time, pretty

47:48

much as this podcast comes out. But I think it's

47:50

fine because it was funny enough. It was funny and

47:52

long. What's happened? I can't read

47:54

your signals. It's okay. It's good stuff.

47:57

It's fun. It's fun stuff.

48:00

in Bristol who says, Dear Ellis John

48:02

and Producer Dave, I recently joined

48:04

the incredibly exclusive club of people who've listened

48:06

to all 11 hours and 47 minutes of

48:09

the audio book of the Holy Bible.

48:12

Not that exclusive. And found it broadly

48:14

enjoyable. Okay. It's

48:16

kind of crazy that we read that whole thing. And

48:18

it's out there. It's like ages. Yeah, yeah. And people

48:20

should listen to it. It took, it's

48:22

like, well, it's like 11 hours of

48:25

extra podcasts, isn't it? Yeah. Because we

48:27

were talking around the chapters. It did

48:29

take two or three

48:31

days, I think, from what I remember.

48:33

As a result, while watching the grand

48:35

finale of Taskmaster, I couldn't help but

48:37

notice the voice of game show host,

48:39

Chad Whopper bore a striking resemblance to

48:41

John's impression of Frank Zappa as heard

48:43

in the entire chapter solely

48:45

devoted to Frank Zappa. Maybe

48:47

that's why people haven't listened to it. John,

48:49

was this a deliberate nod? I like that chapter. Thank

48:52

you. John, was this a deliberate

48:54

nod to your second favorite mustachioed man's tones?

48:56

Or is it simply the case of only

48:58

having one go-to American accent? Huge

49:00

congratulations on the win. I can't wait to see

49:02

you donning the jacket again in Champion of Champions

49:04

4. Lots of love from Fergal

49:07

in Bristol. I've got

49:09

two American accents, Fergal, Frank Zappa

49:11

and New York Wiseguy. Yeah. Oh,

49:14

and Mississippi sort of

49:16

romantic man. Can I

49:18

hear that, please? Please do share that. It's

49:21

based on a guy from a viral video

49:24

about a dating website.

49:28

I like to buy a lady

49:31

chocolate boxes and roses. Oh yeah, yeah,

49:33

yeah, sorry. I like a lady with

49:35

a good pair of legs.

49:38

It goes through me a little

49:40

bit. I love that. It's my

49:42

favorite accent in all the world.

49:46

You do look like a murderer when you

49:48

do it. Yeah, the guy doesn't look

49:51

far off a murderer. But

49:53

he's not. Well, we don't know.

49:55

We don't know. We don't know, Dave. Terrible

49:57

statistics about that. Yeah. Mississippi,

50:01

Frank Zappa and New

50:03

York Wiseguy. Yeah, very nice.

50:06

But yeah, if you want to listen to an entire

50:08

chapter of me talking about Frank Zappa in his voice.

50:11

Oh, I wrote a chapter about the Gorgies, wrote a chapter

50:13

about the Welsh language and wrote a great chapter of the

50:15

griefers living. There's some good stuff

50:17

in there. It's just

50:20

occurred to me. You'd think it'd be better now. We

50:23

wrote that book eight years ago. 2018 we

50:25

wrote that book. Did we? Yeah,

50:27

yeah. Would you another one? It

50:30

just just occurred to me that your two favorite

50:32

men have both got big mustaches. Yes.

50:35

So do acting wise, do you like is

50:37

like Tom Selleck your favorite? No, I would

50:39

say I'm going to go to your favorite

50:41

cricketer. No, of hills. Murphy's

50:44

perhaps more so. But no, I'm not

50:46

attracted to the mustache. It just so

50:48

happens that, you know, I'm a fan

50:50

of two of the most famous mustaches

50:52

of all time. In

50:54

fact, the Zappa is a mustache. It's named after

50:57

him. Yeah. Yeah. So

50:59

it's time to enter something into Ellis and John's Cool

51:01

Club. Horticulture.

51:04

Graphite gray. Foreign

51:06

cuisine. Hair gel. Bespoke

51:08

board games. Ellis and

51:10

John's Cool Club. Cool Club. Ellis

51:17

actually in honor of Cool Club, you

51:19

are wearing homemade clothes today in a

51:22

sense. In a sense. Because you've got a knockoff

51:24

Wales jumper, which you think has been adapted from

51:26

an England jumper. I think. It's

51:29

probably bad juju. I would have thought

51:31

that. I think I suspect this

51:33

is a very, very good,

51:36

accurate re-pro of Wales

51:39

is 74, 75 football shirt.

51:43

And I think what's happened because they're impossible

51:46

to get hold of. Absolutely impossible. I think

51:49

someone who I won't name,

51:51

but is known to members

51:54

of the Welsh vintage football shirt community.

51:56

I think what he's done is he's bought

51:58

the England 66. and

52:00

he's literally rebadged it. I

52:02

think he's taken the England badge off and put the Welsh badge on,

52:05

but I don't mind because I think it's quite nice.

52:07

But if you were watching England versus Wales, no way

52:09

would you be wearing that shirt. Oh, I'd be all

52:11

over the place if I was wearing

52:13

this. I wouldn't know what to think. No.

52:18

But also, we're not allowed

52:21

to wear brands anymore. And

52:23

I was in a real rush this morning and

52:25

I thought this isn't branded, so. It's a very

52:27

small umbrella. Yeah, you're fine with that. I'm fine

52:30

with that, yeah. Anyway,

52:33

homemade clothes were last week's Cool

52:35

Club entry and

52:37

that joins, amongst other things, enthusiastic

52:40

consent, tenderstem broccoli, and

52:42

allotments. This

52:44

week's entry is from Andrew. Andrew

52:46

says, hi, Alice John and producer

52:49

Dave. I have proposed an entry

52:51

to the Cool Club. I'm 36

52:53

and six years ago started playing lawn

52:55

bowls. I was having a

52:57

bit of a bad time with my mental health and wanted to

52:59

pick up a new hobby that was outdoors, not too active

53:01

and generally something good for the soul. I

53:04

used to drive past the sign for the bowls club

53:06

on my way to and from work and

53:09

had always fancied giving it a go. I contacted

53:11

them, went and gave it a go. When the

53:13

season started, I was hooked. I

53:15

wasn't the youngest there, but as you might imagine, was

53:17

generally at least half the age

53:19

of most club members. The people are very friendly

53:21

and have great stories from years gone past and

53:23

it's lovely to be part of the local community.

53:26

You play as much as you want every day

53:28

in the height of the season, or

53:30

like me who works full-time weekends and

53:32

just some evenings midweek, or just

53:34

come and roll up with friends. A match

53:36

typically takes a few hours in the afternoon

53:38

or evening with a nice drink and snack

53:40

afterwards, sometimes a raffle and occasionally the handing

53:43

out of a free pan if you win.

53:46

I look forward to it every week and it's

53:48

a way of helping me keep mentally fit. I'm

53:50

convinced that if more people of any age, particularly

53:52

in the younger age brackets gave it a go,

53:54

they'd love it as much as I do. It

53:57

would really help them slow down a little bit and

53:59

more importantly, help their physical and mental

54:01

health. I think it's absolutely

54:03

the epitome of cool to play lawn

54:05

bowls in your 30s and therefore submit

54:07

this for admission to Cool Club. All

54:09

the best, Drew from Chessington. I at

54:13

the Muchenleth Comedy Festival, I love

54:15

doing gigs at Muchenleth Bowls Club.

54:18

It's a really good venue. I

54:20

played lawn bowls in Australia with

54:22

Hannah Gadsby. What did you?

54:24

Yeah, and some other comedians and I very

54:26

much enjoyed it. I've never played it. It's

54:29

great fun. But whenever

54:31

I'm at Mach, I

54:33

always go to the Bowls Club. A friend

54:36

of mine, her dad was

54:39

a big part of Camardan Bowls Club and

54:41

had been since his late

54:43

20s, I think. So

54:45

I knew him when I was a little kid and he

54:47

would go to Camardan Bowls Club as a man in his

54:49

30s. Obviously everyone else is much older.

54:53

He loved it, but also because he was younger

54:55

than everyone else, it was like Mick Jagger at

54:57

Walkington. Well, there was a

54:59

film, wasn't there, about bowls, lawn

55:01

bowls with the guy who played Dennis

55:04

Penis. What's his name? Paul Kay. Was

55:07

that? Was it like Black Spot or

55:09

something? I didn't know that. I love

55:11

Paul Kay. And

55:14

it was about a sort of kind of a young hip

55:17

lawn bowls player. I can't speak for the quality

55:19

of the film, but I have seen it. Black

55:21

Ball. Black Ball. Do you want to hear the

55:24

IMDB for it? Yes, please, Dave. Oh,

55:28

dear. Hannah wouldn't watch it, giving her

55:30

seven rating or above threshold. Yeah. 5.6.

55:33

No good. No good. It might be.

55:35

What does it say? What

55:39

in terms of reviews or the blurb? The

55:41

blurb, Dave. A rebellious, young British bowls player

55:43

teams with another older and more traditional player

55:46

to take on the Australian bowls team. It

55:50

writes itself. But

55:53

the good thing about bowls is

55:55

it's easy to pick up hard

55:57

to master. Yes. So I don't.

56:00

think there's a huge barrier to entry. But

56:02

I also think that

56:04

is fantastic for participation sport. Yes. That's

56:06

the sweet spot really. Yeah. Anyone I

56:08

was having this argument the other day,

56:11

anyone can become world class at ping

56:13

pong over the course of a French

56:15

exchange. No,

56:18

have you ever played someone who's genuinely good

56:20

at ping pong? Yeah. And they all got

56:22

good over a long weekend. Tell you, he

56:24

was a brilliant table tennis player is Mark

56:26

Steele. Really? He's got to a club.

56:29

And he said that the top the top people

56:32

there were on a different level. I give

56:34

you a playing Olympic ping pong. Yeah, because

56:36

they'd all been in the youth center for

56:38

an afternoon. That's how long it takes to

56:40

get really good at ping pong. I'm not

56:42

sure I agree with that. But still, it's

56:44

an interesting opinion. And we're all about opinions.

56:46

Because, you know, that's

56:50

what we do. We provoke on this

56:52

podcast. Yeah, you disrupt. Yeah,

56:55

we're agitate us. Within quite

56:57

strict broadcasting boundaries. To be careful. Yeah.

56:59

And we've got to be balanced with

57:01

our agitation. Yeah. So I think ping

57:04

pong is very hard. But lawn bowls

57:06

in your 30s stroke

57:08

lawn bowls general is in cool. That

57:10

is my favorite cool club entry yet.

57:12

Is it? Yeah. Because Hannah and I

57:14

like when we get misty

57:16

eyed about what the future holds, we always talk

57:18

about we'd love to join a bowls club like

57:20

when we're 70 and just sit with a with

57:23

a glass of wine as the sunsets throw through

57:25

bowls. Every time we see a bowling green, we

57:27

go bowling green and we point out the bowling

57:29

green. We're obsessed by bowling greens. Because I think

57:32

it'd be a lovely way to mention that before

57:34

because it's just a little aside. It's not really

57:36

a big deal until someone enters it into cool

57:38

club. But it's genuinely like our yeah,

57:41

it's our retirement plan to join a bowling

57:43

club and just while away the hours. It

57:45

seems like a look like a

57:47

lovely way to spend the time. Good.

57:49

It's good stuff. Well, there we go.

57:52

Thank you very much for your company. We'll be

57:55

back with you on Tuesday. If you've got any

57:57

money like to send us send it to Alison

57:59

John. at thebbc.co.uk or if you

58:01

want to send us a WhatsApp, you

58:03

can do so on 07974293022, goodbye. Can

58:08

people send us stuff in the post, Dave?

58:11

Or is that a pain? It's a pain. It's a pain. When

58:14

you've seen the storage area, it's a mess.

58:18

Is there any post for us? No, because we don't

58:20

really ask for it. We can ask

58:22

for it, but I got a Slack

58:24

message the other day about being quite

58:26

specific about how you address it. So

58:29

maybe we'll mention it in the Tuesday episode once

58:31

I've just checked my slacks. Okay, Dave. Goodbye.

58:34

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:38

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:41

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:44

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:48

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:51

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:54

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

58:58

We got stuff you should know and stuff

59:00

they don't want you to know. We got

59:02

Bobby Bones, Big Boy, and Lou Lader. We

59:04

got SpongeBob, Binge Pants, and Exotic Erotic Story

59:06

Time. We got Doughboys, Two Dudes in the

59:08

Kitchen, Green Eggs and Dan. Hey,

59:10

we got ElfQuest. We got

59:13

podcasts for everything on the I Heart Radio

59:15

app for free. If you don't download that,

59:17

well, that's not just a true

59:19

crime, my friend. That's criminal.