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1:04

BBC Sounds, music, radio,

1:07

podcasts. Hello,

1:26

everyone. It's Muffity Day here at the

1:28

BBC, and everyone has left behind their

1:31

standard issue overalls to kick back in

1:33

their favourite garms. Adrian Charles

1:35

has come dressed as a train driver.

1:38

He's even hired a miniature steam engine

1:40

and is driving around BBC staff quarters

1:42

on replica carriages. Choo-choo, he

1:44

cries as he tucks into his basket of

1:47

pork pies and flask of steaming hot pickle

1:49

lily. Choo-choo. Rick

1:52

Edwards has come dressed as a space cop. His

1:55

combo of bright gold bomber jacket and

1:57

leather chaps are turning heads as

1:59

he acts... out futuristic arrests on

2:01

junior members of staff. He

2:04

likes nothing more than creeping up behind an

2:06

intern and placing them in his trademark restraint

2:08

move, the Rick Lock, before

2:10

shouting, Space Cop's Defense Force, what's

2:12

your business in this quadrant? And

2:15

then he's off again, wolfing down

2:17

one of his homemade astronaut ration

2:19

packs, which consists of a cheese

2:21

string, Jacob's Cream Cracker, and Ferrero

2:23

Rocher all spray-painted silver with food-safe

2:26

paint. But it

2:28

slapped wrists for Rachel Burden. She

2:30

arrived in a bespoke limber-toe-pick costume,

2:33

replete with inflatable cheeky girl accessories. But

2:35

one thing the BBC doesn't relax on

2:37

non-uniform day is its strict rules on

2:40

balance during an election period. So into

2:42

the bogs it was, and with a

2:44

little bit of sticky tape and

2:46

imagination, Rachel emerged, dressed as comic

2:48

strip character Dilbert and the Olsen

2:50

twins. But what of

2:52

Director General Tim Davie? Well,

2:55

he's gone out. Well,

2:57

he's gone all out in a bespoke

2:59

lime green and raspberry suit to celebrate

3:01

his latest obsession, the Twister lolly. For

3:05

years, Tim's mum had kept the existence of Twister's

3:07

a secret, as she feared what they would do

3:09

to his teeth should he ever catch wind of

3:11

them. But after an ice cream

3:13

van ran over his tricycle outside cubs,

3:17

and Tim was showered with the delicious

3:19

lollies, he hasn't talked about anything else.

3:21

He's already defied the BBC board

3:23

and commissioned an eight-part documentary about

3:25

the snack, spent the entire world

3:28

service budget on shares in parent

3:30

company Unilever, and made it the

3:32

official snack of the BBC Euros

3:34

coverage. And what about

3:36

Ellis, John and Dave? Well, Ellis is the same,

3:38

and John is the same. Dave,

3:41

however, couldn't decide between his twin loves

3:43

of Oasis and Man City, so

3:45

he's opted for full Man City kit.

3:47

His nod to the Mancunian indie superstars

3:49

can't be seen on his person, but

3:52

is currently coursing through his veins as

3:54

he corners Naga Manchetti talking ten to

3:56

the dozen about Chemtrail's 5G in his

3:58

new social media company, Wanda. Wallop. Hello,

4:04

everyone. Oh, hello,

4:06

John. Hello to you. I put a real

4:08

spring in my step. Good stuff. Really,

4:10

really enjoyed that. Wallop is a great name

4:12

for a social media. If someone has not

4:14

got that, get it. It's such

4:17

a believable name. It is. Yeah.

4:19

Sorry, mate. I just got a Wallop. Yeah.

4:21

Have you Walloped him yet? Yeah.

4:25

So, so bad. He hasn't put anything on Wallop.

4:28

He's not put a ticket link on Wallop. It's

4:30

absolutely disgraceful. The

4:33

great thing about Wallop is you can turn

4:35

gifs into emojis. Yeah. It's

4:37

just basically it's like experts more

4:39

curated. That's the thing with Wallop.

4:42

It's actually, it's X

4:45

when you think about it as a platform so

4:47

dated, Wallop is going to take us into the

4:49

2040s. And I

4:51

do stand by that. Yeah. Where did

4:53

you come up with Wallop, Dave? Huh? Where did you

4:55

come up with Wallop for the idea for Wallop? It

4:58

was a brainchild of

5:00

me and the

5:03

rest of the audio always team. Good. On

5:06

a night out. Not as comfortable in the riff, are

5:08

you, Dave? No. Let's

5:11

be honest. Hands in

5:13

his pockets. Don't

5:15

involve me in the riff, Jon. That's

5:17

you two. Your name's above the door.

5:19

It's such a good name for social

5:22

media companies. Scoop would be another good

5:24

one. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He's

5:26

got, he's got a quarter of a million followers on Scoop.

5:31

What was the one in the American office called? Woof. It's

5:35

the one that sent you a tweet, a text, an

5:37

email and a WhatsApp all at the same time. Oh

5:39

yeah. So yes,

5:41

welcome to the show. What

5:43

a, what a time it is. What a time to

5:45

be alive. Yeah. It's 2024. I

5:48

learned something about myself this week. Training

5:50

for the London to Brighton bike ride. One little

5:53

training run. A training ride decided to try and

5:55

replicate race conditions. So we'll cycle the shorts for

5:57

the first time ever, which would. too tight and

5:59

I found it very, very embarrassing. Have you still

6:02

got the brewery ones I gave you? It was

6:04

those ones. Was it? Because I haven't bought, because

6:06

the day of my friend doing it with, keep

6:09

saying you've got to get psychoschops, man. You

6:12

can have a sore bum if you don't wear proper psychoschops.

6:14

And to be absolutely blunt, hemorrhoids.

6:16

Yeah, and I've put it off and I

6:18

put it off. And in the end, I

6:20

said, listen, it's fine. John

6:23

got me some from a brewery in 2017. Sorry.

6:29

I look like I'm being sponsored by

6:32

Darkstar. Yeah. Do they fit still? I

6:34

mean, I guess your bum doesn't change

6:36

much over the years. Medium, but

6:38

they're very tight. They're

6:41

tighter on my nevers and I don't actually like

6:43

it. So I'm going to go buy some other

6:45

ones, I think. But that's difficult, because they've got

6:47

to be tight. Yeah. But how tight is too

6:49

tight? Yeah. I remember them having a big bum

6:51

pad. Honestly, like

6:53

I'm in continent. Yeah, yeah. The bum pad

6:55

is huge. What made

6:57

this brewery company move

6:59

into the world of cycling shorts? It

7:01

doesn't feel like that. Although

7:04

I'll give you this, John, I think about you every

7:06

time I see them. I think about you

7:09

every time I put them on and

7:11

every time I put them on, I

7:13

laugh out loud because the Darkstar brewery

7:15

branding is very, very obvious. Yeah. I

7:18

think if you're looking for merch, I

7:20

mean, Ellis and I, we have a, we

7:23

have merch in our universe. And

7:25

you're constantly coming up with ways to push the

7:27

boundaries, reaching new markets. And if you think about

7:29

it, the sort of the

7:32

cycling demographic with craft beer

7:34

is bang on. Men

7:37

in their 40s, 50s and 60s

7:40

who are sort of really into bikes. Yeah.

7:42

And craft beer, because at the end of

7:44

your big bike ride, you have a nice...

7:46

You have a two thirds of a pint

7:48

for seven pounds 50. Yeah. Yeah.

7:50

It makes more sense than I've possibly gave

7:52

it. So I did my training ride in

7:54

my Darkstar Brewery short, which were a gift

7:56

from you, John. I

8:01

thought, well, I've never cycled this far before. So I thought

8:03

I might get hungry midway through. Uh, so

8:06

I bought some of those energy bars. You're

8:08

getting bike shops. I realized I can't pedal

8:10

and eat at the same time. Really? I

8:13

found it really hard to eat and ride

8:15

my bike. Yeah. Yeah. It was my sort

8:17

of breathing. I suddenly felt very bunged up,

8:19

but I thought of the Tour de France,

8:21

obviously. But could you go gels? Cause sometimes

8:23

those bars are a little bit dry. They're

8:26

very dry. So you need wet because otherwise,

8:28

yeah. I mean, I love my water with

8:30

me there. The gels I've never

8:32

gone in. I've never had a gel. Um, so

8:34

I don't got to get into the gels, man.

8:36

Are you into gels big time? Yeah. What for

8:39

for golf? Uh, yeah. Someone once gave them to

8:41

me in a golf course and I ate it

8:43

and thought it was going to ask myself. Yeah.

8:45

That's what I'm worried about on the big ride.

8:48

That's what the pads for. Yeah. Yeah. Don't take

8:50

the gels for the first time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

8:52

On the ride. That was the thing. So you've

8:54

got to train with the food you're going to

8:57

have on the run. Yeah. So that's why I

8:59

wanted to eat these bars. I wanted to test

9:01

that I could eat them without anything

9:04

untoward happening, but I just, I did find

9:06

it hard to peddle and chew, which

9:08

is quite embarrassing. Could you go two bottles

9:10

and have one as like a protein shake

9:12

and one as water? Well, again, I've never

9:14

had a protein shake in my life. Well,

9:16

you need to start having these things. Are

9:19

you so buff without on, without being on

9:21

the protes? I'm natural Dave. Natural. I'm 100%

9:23

natural. Wow. Imagine how buff you'd be if

9:25

you're on the pro. Are you on protein

9:27

shakes? No, but I, why would I, I'm

9:29

not doing anything to, you said

9:31

you're running. I run once

9:33

a fortnight job. Okay. That's not good enough.

9:35

And also running. Not you wouldn't

9:38

want to work. Well, the problem is running is

9:40

going to eventually eat away at your muscle. Yeah.

9:43

But I just always, I always assumed I don't think

9:46

at once a fortnight, that's a problem though. No, if

9:48

you'd know, but yes.

9:50

So I'm looking forward to that, but I'm too

9:52

scared to try the gels. There's two, it's two,

9:54

we're too near the time now. So

9:56

I'm just kind of, I'm going to go gel free, I think.

9:59

But shorts, I feel idiotic wearing

10:02

them. Even though I have to

10:04

accept that that is part

10:06

of the process. Also,

10:08

I've been blessed with this big bum. I've never had

10:10

a saddle soreness in my life. ALICE But why can't

10:13

you just wear jogging bottoms? Why doesn't it have to

10:15

be cycling shorts? RUSSELL But you need the pads, do

10:17

you? ALICE Right. RUSSELL So I think I might go

10:19

to a bike shop after we've recorded this and try

10:22

and find some looser things with

10:24

big pads for my bum. ALICE What about

10:26

a better padded seat, though? RUSSELL

10:29

Or could you just not stand up like kids do on

10:31

BMXs the whole way? ALICE For 60 miles. RUSSELL Yeah. ALICE

10:33

Or get a little cushion. RUSSELL Just take

10:35

a cushion from home. RUSSELL What drive? ALICE Strap

10:38

it to the street. RUSSELL Get public transport.

10:40

RUSSELL Just get the train from East Croydon.

10:43

RUSSELL Is it for charity? ALICE Yes. RUSSELL

10:45

What charity are you raising money for? ALICE

10:47

The British Heart Foundation. RUSSELL Aww. ALICE Well

10:49

done. RUSSELL Very good stuff. Yes,

10:53

well no such training for me, of course. RUSSELL

10:55

I learned to play You're My Best Friend by

10:57

Queen on the piano. ALICE Did you? RUSSELL This

11:00

week. ALICE Well done. RUSSELL You were playing Beck

11:02

earlier in the week. RUSSELL What's all this then?

11:05

ALICE Why would you mention this

11:07

before? RUSSELL Because I am very

11:09

complex. ALICE We knew that you

11:12

played. RUSSELL I didn't know that you played the piano.

11:14

RUSSELL He doesn't play the piano. RUSSELL I've played the

11:16

guitar since I was about 15.

11:18

ALICE No, you played a very... ALICE Sure,

11:20

I knew you could get your way around

11:22

an axe. But I

11:24

didn't know you tinkelled on the old

11:26

ivories. RUSSELL No, I knew some basics,

11:28

but I've never owned a piano, so

11:31

I bought a keyboard. ALICE Yeah. RUSSELL And it's

11:34

great fun, because also now, because of

11:36

YouTube, you can learn. There

11:38

will always be a tutorial for the song

11:40

you like. And this song you like is

11:42

incredibly obscure. ALICE So you're reading music? RUSSELL

11:45

No, but I just learned to play the

11:47

songs. If anyone who does those

11:49

tutorials would like to do Miss Trudy or Lucy's Hump,

11:51

but my gawkies are growing my guitar really would be

11:53

great, because I've tried to work it out by ear

11:55

and it's too hard. ALICE Oh, well people will send

11:57

in videos of them doing it. RUSSELL I would... love

12:01

that. I really would love that.

12:03

We'll send in your videos of

12:06

what were the songs? Miss Trudy

12:08

and Lucy's Humber. And it's

12:10

got to be step by step. If you're trained on

12:12

the keys and if you

12:14

could go through it bit by bit, like

12:16

Piano with Nate. Okay, like Piano with Nate.

12:19

If you could Piano with Nate, he's not

12:21

answering my emails. If you could Piano with

12:23

Nate, Miss Trudy by go because I got

12:25

him a Guillain-Lucy's Humber, that would be, I'd

12:28

really appreciate. I worked out Dark Knight from

12:30

Bar of Fundle with Bahia. Yeah.

12:33

And if I know how to play them

12:35

on guitar, I can often transpose them onto

12:37

Piano, but I cannot work out Miss Trudy

12:39

or Lucy's Humber, so do a guy a

12:41

favour. There you go. And for

12:44

each video you send in, Ellis will donate £10,000

12:46

to the British Heart

12:48

Foundation. Yeah.

12:50

Yeah, I will. That's how much I want

12:52

the videos actually. All a charity

12:55

of your choice. So

12:57

I feel like I've bucked myself financially into a big

12:59

corner now. But

13:01

yeah, it's, to be honest,

13:04

it's good to feel brain box. Yeah.

13:07

And I started doing the

13:10

quick crosswords on my phone.

13:13

Very good. Worried about the old brain

13:15

box I see, Jon? It's good to keep the old

13:17

brain and trim. I'm amazed you can do cryptic ones

13:19

because I'm struggling with quicks. Yeah. Yeah.

13:22

Well, sometimes quicks are harder because

13:24

you've only got one thing telling you what

13:27

the answer is, whereas in cryptic one, you've

13:29

got two. So you've got the quick definition

13:31

and the cryptic definition. So you've

13:33

got two bites at the cherry. Oh, yeah, that's a

13:35

good point. But yeah, I struggle with them as well

13:37

sometimes. Good. Good. I'm

13:40

glad to tell you, Jon. Yeah. Thanks for someone asking

13:42

me how I am for the sake of getting onto

13:44

the anecdote. I was waiting for Ellis. Oh, sorry. It's

13:46

just I've already. I asked Jon how he was on

13:49

the fly-doh. Yeah. The fly-doh record.

13:51

He only asked me once every two seconds. No,

13:54

no, no, no. He did. He just quotes her.

13:56

But he did talk at length about how despondent

13:58

he was. I'm

14:00

going to pull that thread again. But

14:03

we've got to get into this anecdote. Sorry,

14:05

I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten. It needs to segue.

14:08

Oh, you'll never guess how I've been, Ellis.

14:10

What, a very low ebb? Yeah, well, apart

14:12

from that. Bad company for seven months. Apart

14:14

from that. Seeing a healer. Forgot an amusing

14:16

anecdote about coffee. Well,

14:21

Ellis, if I haven't been plowing my

14:23

way through bad coffee for the sake

14:25

of my own pride. Is that why

14:27

you've got a psychosexual problem? Coffee.

14:31

Is that it was coffee in the room to me? So

14:35

what happened was I have

14:37

been playing the

14:39

coffee subscription scene. Is

14:42

this like Britannia Music Club? Are you sort of,

14:44

you're a subscriber for a month and they get

14:46

loads of bags and then you stop your subscription

14:48

and it's a way of kind of play in

14:50

the system. I've been playing a lot of the

14:52

key coffee subscription services off against each other. Like

14:55

a credit card rate tart. Yeah. What

14:57

do, if I mention enough names, is it a

15:00

problem Dave, or should I keep it vague? I

15:02

keep it vague. I'll be like, hey, bath coffee.

15:05

I've got. That made up. Yeah. That sounds very good.

15:07

I've got Java guys on the phone. They're willing to

15:09

do me 250 grams for 1299 plus an extra 10%

15:11

off. What

15:14

do you got? Yes, I'll hold.

15:17

You know, so I'll be, I'll be ringing

15:19

around bath coffee, Java guys. Yeah, yeah,

15:21

yeah. Biff Boff. That's

15:24

quite similar to bath coffee. I know. I'm not very

15:26

good at it. I've never got a name

15:28

done that. I'll do it.

15:31

Beans are us. Beans are us. Screwy juice.

15:34

Screwy juice. Yeah. Scabble,

15:36

gobble up. Oh, the coffee

15:38

company. The coffee company. Yeah. Classic.

15:40

That got taken very early doors.

15:42

Yeah. And jump

15:45

leads. Nice. So

15:47

Mooch, Mooch, Mooch

15:49

coffee. Mooch,

15:52

Matt, Mooch coffee. Didn't

15:54

you used to be in an improv group? Yeah,

15:57

I was ****. I

16:02

was the nervous one. I

16:04

was the nervous one who would ruin

16:06

all the improv games. All of your

16:08

characters were stuttering nervous men with the

16:10

same accent. I would say no. I

16:14

would block. Mooch, mam,

16:16

mooch coffee. My

16:18

best moment. So

16:21

anyway, eventually

16:24

I found the cheapest coffee

16:26

subscription and I'm not going to name it

16:28

and I'm also not going to describe

16:30

how it's so cheap because you'll be

16:33

able to identify them. Okay.

16:36

But it's cheap. All right. He.

16:39

He. He's. He. He's

16:42

coffee. Yeah. Yeah. He

16:45

gave him coffee. How do we able to

16:47

identify by how it's got a certain like

16:50

USP got it. Okay. Anyway, so

16:52

I ordered their, um, their

16:55

dark gross from hickey kegs. He

16:57

gave me coffee and

16:59

I ordered a kilo. Right.

17:01

That's a lot of cups, a lot of beans

17:03

in a kilo and it

17:05

was undrinkable. Yeah. It was

17:07

so over roasted. So it

17:09

tasted like sour. Yeah. And I thought,

17:12

Oh God. Yeah. But anyway,

17:14

I've spent my 13 quid

17:16

per kilo, which is cheap.

17:19

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I

17:21

do actually bought sand or

17:23

something. Yeah. You

17:25

get your coffee from juice. So

17:27

I just, I got through this. It took about

17:29

three weeks, like literally hating every

17:31

single cup. Did you, um, did you contact

17:33

the people that hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

17:35

hey, what can you say? What

17:37

can you say is like, I've spent almost nothing

17:40

on an enormous amount of coffee, which clearly

17:43

makes sense that it's disgusting. Yeah.

17:45

You can't complain about that. Yeah. Yeah.

17:48

Yeah. So anyway, I thought I don't need

17:50

to get the medium roast because it's over roasted. Do you not think

17:52

I might be moving away from Higgs Higgs Higgs at this stage? Dave,

17:54

I could, I couldn't let go of the fact it was 1399 a

17:57

kilo. Right. cheap

18:00

Dave. No I know but why have you then gone

18:02

and got a medium one from Higgs Higgs again?

18:04

Because I thought if their dark roast

18:07

is over roasted, maybe I want the

18:09

medium roast because I like a sort

18:11

of medium dark roast. Fair enough. Have

18:13

you been recommended Higgs Higgs Higgs Higgs

18:16

coffee? Only by Instagram 8,000 times. Oh

18:18

don't trust the algorithms Jon.

18:22

But it's a respectable company and they do

18:24

good work I'm sure. I may have

18:26

just got a bad batch we just don't know. It may have

18:29

been a good batch and my taste buds are

18:31

all out of whack. I

18:33

know how desperate you are to save money. Yeah

18:36

and I don't know why I am but that's

18:38

just my cross-step there. Because you did a nice

18:40

gig in Bristol last night. Yeah. Been on Taskmaster.

18:42

Yeah. You got this. Oh I can

18:45

afford to pay 11 quid

18:47

per 250 grams but

18:49

I don't. I think that's 13.99 per

18:52

kilo. So that's like

18:55

four times better than 11 quid

18:57

for 250 grams. You know when

18:59

you treat yourself? Let

19:02

me think. But I mean

19:06

not the big purchases. I would

19:08

say the Sportage is a treat. You

19:12

need a car. My first car that a grown-up

19:14

would drive. Yeah because I remember

19:17

all your previous cars and they weren't treats

19:19

but they were functional. Yeah. When

19:22

you treat yourself because

19:25

my dad had a very similar attitude to

19:27

money almost identical and he

19:29

would at night he would

19:31

sit and he would budget for the whole

19:33

month as we were watching Telly. Yeah

19:35

I don't do that. I'm also I hate

19:38

to I have to say this because otherwise

19:40

I sound like a complete goon

19:43

but I am generous with other people.

19:46

That's true. That is true. Yeah you always get them

19:48

in and all. And I'm better than I was. Yes

19:50

but when you do treat if you're going to buy

19:52

say in a jumper that was more expensive than

19:55

the usual. How

19:58

would I hand it over your debit card making? you

20:00

feel? Do you

20:02

feel angry at yourself? Or do you think this is

20:04

good? This is the truth. Do you know what the

20:06

truth is? I get a

20:08

little bit of a rush and

20:11

I think I'm afraid of the rush. I

20:15

actually spend the trick rush,

20:18

you know, I mean, 99.9% of the time when

20:20

I walk into

20:22

a modern clothes shop and see

20:24

the price of the jeans, I will say

20:26

in full hearing

20:28

of an employee, are you kidding me?

20:32

And then I will turn the label back

20:34

and walk out. Yeah. And hopefully they will

20:36

take that message to head office. Yes. However,

20:38

I've often this is, it's not working so

20:40

far as it is. However, the one time

20:43

I did pay above 45 pounds for a

20:45

pair of jeans. Yeah. I

20:47

liked how it felt. Yeah. This, this is

20:50

what, this is. Unfortunately, those jeans have

20:52

now gone out of fashion because they were quite tight.

20:54

So I can't wear them anymore because I look like

20:56

a prize fool. Yeah. Anyway,

20:59

I think I'm afraid that

21:01

I'll like the buzz too much treats.

21:03

So instead I just have

21:05

a life full of no

21:07

joy. Rubbish coffee.

21:10

Rubbish coffee. Thanks to the good people at

21:12

Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs coffee. I

21:14

got through the three weeks of Higgs, Higgs,

21:16

Higgs coffee. And I got

21:19

there. You missed the Higgs by the way. I

21:22

got, I got their medium roast. I'm

21:25

excited now cause I think I've hit, I've hit

21:27

the sweet spot. The medium roast 1399 a kilo

21:29

coffee. I have my first

21:31

cup. It's even worse. Right. It's

21:33

bitter. Yeah. It's got a tanner.

21:36

Okay. Reflection on the same price as the

21:38

last one. Same price as the last one.

21:40

It's another kilo. It's another kilo. Was there

21:42

nothing that your head that might've made you

21:44

think this is going to be as bad

21:47

because it's still pretty blooming cheap. No,

21:51

I thought the roast would change the. Yes.

21:54

And so anyway, that was

21:56

another three weeks. It's now been six

21:58

weeks. until I've had, but since

22:01

I've had a coffee at home, I enjoy it. Are you going

22:03

to go for the light to roast? No,

22:05

I am done with Hig, Hig, Hig's coffee. Okay.

22:07

So they've had their chance. They've had the chance.

22:09

But also what do you do with 970 grams

22:11

of beans? You

22:14

don't want, I don't want to chuck them. You can't

22:16

take them to a food bank because they're open. Yeah.

22:18

I don't want to put them in the food. I

22:21

would have to fill up the food

22:24

recycling thing, take it out, put

22:26

another bag in, fill it up again. You've double

22:28

can't eat, haven't you? Really? So I've just had

22:30

six weeks of coffee. I hated to prove a

22:32

point. I've recently changed my

22:34

coffee subscription and I'm delighted with the

22:37

results. Great. And it costs 12 quid

22:39

for 250 grams. Like

22:41

they all do. Yeah. Okay.

22:45

That is okay. It's okay.

22:47

Thanks, man. It's six weeks. You

22:50

won't get back. I was

22:52

doing other stuff. Yeah. I

22:56

wasn't just drinking back to back

22:58

coffees all day to try and

23:00

get through it. But we are

23:02

asking what are examples of your

23:05

stunning stubbornness? Yes, this

23:07

is from Steve. Few

23:09

years back, my wife made an off hunt comment

23:11

that I'd left some washing up overnight and it

23:13

needed clearing up. I took it personally because I'm

23:16

normally pretty prompt to my washing up since

23:18

then religiously and without fail after cooking and

23:20

eating a meal, I immediately wash up

23:22

the dishes, taking this a step further.

23:24

If she ever leaves the dishes for

23:26

any amount of time of treating, we

23:29

cook separately. She's a vegetarian. I take

23:31

great pleasure in also washing up for

23:33

her. Nothing is said, but she knows

23:35

the point that is being made. Have

23:37

I been played? I think

23:39

so. Yes. Absolutely. Interesting insight

23:41

into your relationship, Steve, especially

23:43

the phrase we cook separately

23:45

as she's vegetarian. Yeah.

23:48

Sounds quite cold.

23:52

No, a friend of mine does the

23:55

same for that reason because her husband loves

23:57

to eat

23:59

meat and so. But I'm guessing you're also

24:01

eating separately then, because your meals are ready at

24:03

different times. Yeah. Most

24:06

people I know who's partner are vegetarian just eat

24:08

vegetarian 99% of the time. Yes,

24:10

yes. That's what my sister does. But not Steve. He's

24:13

a stubborn one. No, but also his partner's having a

24:15

whale of a time. Yeah, because he's doing all the

24:17

washing up. He's just doing all the washing up very

24:19

quickly. Yeah. I don't

24:21

like doing the kitchen. I don't like cleaning

24:24

up. I'm big into it. That's my worst

24:26

job. I will do anything else. Really? Love

24:29

doing a wash. Love hanging clothes. I

24:31

love putting clothes away. I love, I

24:33

enjoy hoovering. Yeah. I don't mind cleaning

24:35

the toilet, but there's something about the

24:37

kitchen. And I've made such a

24:39

fuss about it for 14 years now, basically, as

24:41

he does it 90% of the time. Really? Really?

24:44

That's okay. It seems like you're

24:47

pulling your way elsewhere. So

24:49

my girlfriend will lean into a bit of

24:51

sort of traditional

24:54

sexism sometimes in

24:56

an ironic way. So she

24:58

talks about pink jobs and blue jobs. Yeah,

25:01

good stuff. So taking out the bins, presumably.

25:03

So jobs, she doesn't like a blue jobs.

25:06

So taking out the recycling, because despite

25:08

having explained to her 800,000 million

25:15

times what goes in what box, it's

25:17

not going in. We've given up.

25:20

That's cool. I just- I learnt helplessness.

25:23

I do a lot of that. I do

25:25

a lot of learnt helplessness. Sort

25:28

of asking, what's this? Until

25:30

she takes over the job and just does it. When you have

25:32

learnt helplessness explained to you. Where

25:34

does this thing go? When

25:37

you have it explained to you. I don't

25:39

know. Well, what do you mean, what's

25:41

a microfiber cloth? I know you're going to.

25:43

Yeah. You're like, oh my God. People

25:46

are pathetic. Oh yeah, I do so much of that.

25:50

Yeah. I wouldn't have had you down

25:52

for a look at helplessness kind of guy. No, no

25:54

me. This stuff I don't want to do. Yeah. Interesting.

25:56

Washing up. I don't want to do by hand and

25:59

I don't want- Oh, I don't

26:01

mind that at all. But scraping is what I

26:03

hate. Yeah. But you can't be saying, how do

26:05

you wash up? I do do, but I'll do

26:07

it with the Magi Mix because I don't like

26:09

the Magi Mix because it's such

26:11

a faff to wash up. You

26:14

need about eight different tools to wash up a Magi

26:16

Mix. So I'll be like, oh, is

26:18

it this bit as well? When

26:22

does this go? And we have

26:24

to keep it in another room because

26:26

it's so enormous. Yeah. And you've like

26:28

made a tablespoon of pesto and you've

26:31

created about an hour's worth of washing

26:33

up. You might just buy it. Just

26:35

comes in jars. Yeah. Where

26:40

were we? This is from Mia. When

26:42

I had our baby, I asked for a

26:44

dishwasher to be put in. FTH

26:46

agreed, but insisted he would never use it.

26:49

FTS is 19 and he has been- I

26:52

think we need to, I think, quite a

26:55

little bit of explainer here. FTH stands for

26:57

Full-Time Husbands. International listeners. FTS

26:59

stands for Full-Time Son. Full-Time

27:02

Son is 19 and he has been true

27:04

to his word. He's never put

27:06

anything in it or emptied it. Wow. Even

27:09

when I had two lots of knee replacements,

27:12

he didn't use it. He washed up in

27:14

the sink instead. Good grief. This was his

27:16

same principle that left me waiting

27:19

15 years for a new

27:21

fence. 15

27:23

years because the Tories have been in power.

27:26

15 years. Brown,

27:28

that fence. I was, yeah. She wanted a new

27:30

fence under Brown. I was 28. Wow.

27:33

That's incredible. We've got a caller

27:35

on the line to talk about

27:37

their stunning stubbornness. Joe.

27:39

Hello, Joe. How

27:42

are you doing? A good thank you. How are you doing,

27:44

Joe? You're pretty good. I'm

27:46

very good. A week off work. Oh, lovely. What did

27:48

you do for a living? I work

27:50

in retail, but I've got a week off for the

27:52

euros. So the point is a well

27:54

in order. Oh, dream. Have you

27:56

got a paddling pool and stuff? You

28:01

got paddling? Have you got a paddling pool? No,

28:05

sadly not. Why? Why? Why was

28:07

you in a paddling pool? I just imagine that's

28:09

what football fans do. We have one floor up

28:11

and a f**k of flats. Put it

28:13

in the living room. Still

28:16

sitting in a paddling pool? Yeah, that's the

28:18

plan. I'll have some of that. Joe, what's

28:20

your stunning stubbornness, please? So

28:22

for me, it's the bus, getting the bus.

28:24

I will not get the bus anywhere. I

28:26

will walk home in the rain. It's

28:29

a couple of times worth of shopping up here or

28:31

anything to avoid paying to get from A to B.

28:34

Really? Is this just the bus or is it

28:36

all forms of public transport? No,

28:39

no, no, it's just the bus. Because

28:41

if you're going somewhere by train, that's a bit

28:43

more long distance. But I've developed

28:45

a very sort of raw definition of walking

28:48

distance. So there's no way I need to

28:50

go on a bus that I can't walk

28:52

to. So where do you live, Joe? I'm

28:55

in Brighton. Okay.

28:58

So talk us through some of the journeys you

29:01

have experienced because of your bus avoidance. I

29:04

mean, obviously Brighton and Hope is incredibly hilly. So

29:06

it's not like I even live somewhere where that's

29:08

particularly flat. But I will. I'm

29:10

closer to home these days, but I used to

29:12

have like a sort of 12 mile round trip

29:15

on foot to work. Oh,

29:17

why didn't you cycle snow? I

29:19

find I there was a period when I did.

29:21

But there was one particular morning where I woke

29:23

up really early and it had been snowing overnight.

29:26

And my wife was like, Joe, you're not going on the

29:28

bike in that I'll be, you know, worrying until you get

29:31

to work. So I thought, OK, sack it. I'll just walk. And

29:36

I found the walking less tiring

29:38

than plus I'm absolutely useless at bicycle

29:40

maintenance kind of thing. So, yeah, I

29:44

ended up walking and I just I'm

29:47

so stubborn and so I'm willing to part with the five

29:49

every day to get to work and back. But I just

29:51

found that I liked it, convinced myself that I liked it.

29:53

And here we are. How long would

29:55

it take you then? It

29:57

was about an hour or so. The

29:59

worst. distance from from sort of

30:02

home to work like an

30:04

hour, hour and 15 minutes give or take. What

30:06

do you dislike about buses so much? It's

30:10

not that I don't like the bus, it's the fact that I don't... The

30:13

problem of needing to get from A to B,

30:15

if that's not a particularly long way, is a

30:17

problem that I would like to resolve inexpensively,

30:21

preferably without opening my wallet at all. When

30:23

did this happen Joe? Because

30:25

my kids love the bus, they find they find

30:27

it quite exciting. So when did you develop your

30:29

agent of the bus? It

30:31

was it was it was purely just a

30:34

case of there was a period where

30:36

that that long walk to work, when I started that

30:38

job, I

30:40

sort of thought, well, it's going to take me a heck of

30:42

getting the bus to and from working with A, the cost of

30:44

that is going to add up. And I was basically just being

30:46

a bit of a skin flint. So I'm, you know, I'm too

30:48

tight to pay to get to work every day and the company

30:50

aren't going to pay for it. So I started

30:52

walking to work. And then from that point, it sort

30:54

of spilled over into the rest of life

30:57

too, so that anywhere that I might

30:59

need to go around town, I'll

31:01

just walk it rather than getting the bus. Where did you

31:03

grow up? In

31:06

sort of Bromley, South East London. So you

31:08

would get presumably when you were going around

31:10

London, you would get the tube or trains

31:12

then? Would you? Oh, yes,

31:14

yeah. Oh, yeah, most definitely. Yeah, yeah,

31:16

it's very much a thing that's happened since I moved

31:19

down here. And wow, needed

31:21

to sort of get about for work and it's that

31:23

and the other. Yes, it's very much a

31:25

recent thing. It's not it's not a lifelong. How many steps

31:27

are you doing a day? You know what? I've never I've

31:30

never bothered to sort of get

31:33

myself pit on with it and find out but it must

31:35

be. It's on your phone, Joe. It's

31:37

there. It's happening whether you want to be

31:39

tracking it or not. If

31:42

you open up your health app. I'll have to

31:44

I'll have to get into that. Everyone else at work is like after I'm

31:46

10,000, 20,000, and I've never been asked to join in those

31:49

conversations. But perhaps it's on your health app. You'll

31:51

be smashing. Yeah, you'll be on for 30,000 steps

31:53

a day. Well,

31:56

Joe, thank you very much for

31:58

your call. Joe, the bus. for a fuser,

32:01

but good for the old health. Good for

32:03

the old thighs. S. Exactly. Well,

32:09

folks, this is something we

32:12

sometimes talk about on the Friday episode of

32:14

the show, but we've moved it over because

32:16

we love it so much. It's just

32:19

a sort of, it came out of a riff vibe

32:21

symposium. It's organic,

32:24

it's fluctuating, it's a never moving

32:26

situation. It's dad's a mad. My

32:30

dad, when he brought his first non-stick

32:32

frying pan, kept the

32:34

instructions and stuck them on

32:36

the wall next to it.

32:38

Actual real wooden clogs. And

32:40

set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg

32:43

canopays. He then proceeded to empty

32:45

40 litres or

32:48

so. Onto the timber and

32:50

strike a mad. Dad's a

32:52

mad. Dad's a mad. Dad's

32:54

a mad. The

32:59

standard of dad's a mad email is so

33:01

high. If

33:04

your dad's mad, let us

33:06

know. Yes, on ellisandjohnofbeebsc.co.uk. This

33:08

is from Frank. I've

33:12

got a mad dad. A standout

33:14

memory from my teenage years was when he came

33:17

home from work. His usual self causing a mild

33:19

fuss in the kitchen while my mum was getting

33:21

dinner ready. He tried to put

33:23

the TV on to catch the 6 o'clock news

33:25

headlines as he often did, but the remote didn't

33:27

work and soon became apparent that there were no

33:30

spare batteries. In

33:32

a move that I feel really captures the essence

33:34

of mad dad's, he announced, I'll

33:36

just pop the batteries in the oven for 30 seconds. That

33:39

should give them a wee boost. No

33:41

one was paying much attention. This

33:43

behaviour was fairly standard. So he

33:45

proceeded. Five to ten minutes

33:47

later he kept tumbling down the stairs. In

33:52

a haste wearing nothing but his wife and

33:55

sister invest. It's obvious what's happened,

33:57

isn't it? He's forgotten about the double A's in the oven. the

34:00

oven and now our salmon fillets had

34:02

a dew to sell glaze. Mum

34:05

was exasperated with the madness but she

34:07

kept her cool. She simply planned

34:09

to bin the food and prepare something else. Dad

34:12

had no such intention. It's

34:14

fine. Nothing wrong with it he said

34:16

defiantly as he rinsed the fillets under

34:18

a warm tub. He

34:21

even started plating them up and sat down at the table

34:24

with his he finally saw sense just

34:26

as he was about to take his

34:28

first bite. Imagine eating battery

34:30

salmon but not like battery farms. No just

34:33

like a tasting of batteries. I wonder if

34:35

it would make your tongue tingle like it

34:37

used to with those oblong ones. Well it

34:39

could make you quite unwell depending on how

34:41

much. Oh I wouldn't recommend it. Most of

34:44

the top chefs don't. Yeah an

34:47

ever ready salmon. This

34:51

I really like this one. I think this is very sweet.

34:53

This is from Becky. Do

34:56

you know this John and Dave? I don't think my

34:58

dad, I didn't think my dad was mad at the

35:00

time but looking back perhaps our neighbours all did. My

35:03

dad's always loved trains being a train spot as

35:05

a child in the days of steam, standing on

35:07

the platforms of London with his notebook and ticking

35:09

off when he had seen the Flying Scotsman or

35:11

Robert A. Struth Castle. He never lost

35:13

his love of trains and animals and had soon built

35:15

a modelled railway around the loft. As

35:18

children my brother and sister and I would

35:20

be allowed to very carefully use the controls

35:22

to guide the various trains into model stations

35:24

when bought in a rains park. By

35:28

about 1983 however this wasn't feeling quite

35:30

enough to fulfil his locomotive dreams and

35:32

so on making a few inquiries he

35:34

managed to secure a derelict signal box

35:37

of similar on the Welsh borders and

35:39

set about rebuilding it in our garden.

35:41

We lived in a very modest house

35:43

on housing estate. By the end

35:45

of that year we had a 30 lever

35:48

signal box complete with four signals at the

35:50

end of the garden which could be raised

35:52

and lowered depending on when he felt a

35:54

train might be on its way. This could

35:57

have been a harmless eccentricity but for the

35:59

fact he he then suggested a grand

36:01

opening for the signal box and

36:03

got his three children, who were teenagers by

36:05

then, to join him and my mum to

36:07

dress up in Victorian clothes and he invited

36:09

the look of he was to come to

36:11

the store. Oh that's so sweet. Oh,

36:15

absolutely mad, but is it possibly also cool?

36:17

On a Venn diagram it may sit in

36:19

the intersection of both. He's now 76 and

36:22

the signal box has gone to the 7th

36:24

Valley Railway and my mum has a summer

36:26

house instead, but he still has the train

36:28

track set up in the loft and the

36:30

grandchildren have all enjoyed it all the best,

36:32

Becky. Oh that's lovely, thank you for sending

36:34

that in Becky. And tell us

36:36

about your mad dads, Ellis and

36:39

John at bbc.co.uk. Right

36:42

then everyone, usually we'd

36:44

be playing a made up game now, but we've

36:46

got a little bit of

36:48

spice in our tagine, haven't we Dave?

36:51

Yes. We've got a

36:53

couple of extra eggs in the omelette

36:55

today. We've got one more glint in

36:58

the eye of cheeky,

37:01

no. You carry on with

37:03

yours. Okay Dave. You do yours. I

37:05

felt like we were retreading Higgs, Higgs,

37:08

Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, coffee telemetry there. Because

37:11

a few weeks ago Ellis, you divulged

37:13

a very interesting bit of intel. Did

37:15

I? Yeah and I picked up on it. Doesn't

37:18

sound like me. And I thought we were going

37:20

to drill down a bit into this because remarkably,

37:23

given your improvisational

37:26

skills today, you

37:29

have created a lot of

37:31

talent in your family. And

37:34

what's going on here? And some people may

37:36

have remembered you

37:38

used a phrase which

37:41

sort of passed under the radar, but could you

37:43

maybe explain to listeners

37:46

of the show what the Sunday scramble

37:48

is? The

37:52

Sunday Scramble is

37:54

a newspaper that my daughter writes,

37:58

but the articles are entirely

38:00

based around silly things I've

38:02

done. Dave, play the jingle.

38:09

Extra, extra, read all about

38:11

it. Swansy man, minute mouse

38:13

capture hell. Hot off the

38:15

press. Weak-minded podcaster caught in

38:18

bench press doping sting. Your

38:20

news delivered to you. Camarvon

38:22

resident claims penalty miss will

38:24

define legacy. The Sunday scramble

38:27

with correspondent Betty James. Yes,

38:31

that's right. We have gone to the

38:33

horse's mouth to find out a little bit more about

38:35

some of the headlines. Oh my god. In

38:37

the James household. Dave,

38:41

what's it been like getting to the bottom of

38:44

some of these meaty tales? It's

38:46

been a lot of fun. It's

38:49

been insightful. What

38:51

I will say is what it has made me realise is

38:54

your daughter is a fantastic writer. Like

38:56

genuinely like a really good writer. She's

38:59

an absolute reading machine. She

39:01

reads as she eats breakfast. She reads, she

39:05

takes, she finishes her work double quick in school

39:07

so then she can read her. But it's incredible

39:09

how much she reads. So yeah, but she uses

39:11

her powers for evil and not good because there's

39:14

always the right articles on how much of an

39:16

idiot I am. Which are very funny. It was

39:18

just a perfect storm here of a

39:20

very sweet thing that your daughter does. The

39:23

fact that it's written very well. It had

39:25

to be audioised, didn't it, Jon?

39:27

Yeah, Dave, don't make it sweet. We're going

39:29

to eviscerate him. Oh sorry. Yeah, you're going

39:31

down. Is this a made

39:33

up game? No, it's not the made up game.

39:35

It's a new regular feature called the Sunday Scramble.

39:37

Oh my god. So

39:39

we can now cross over to our

39:41

lead investigative reporter, Betty James. Ellis

39:46

James gets desperate getting a newspaper.

39:49

On Sunday the 9th of June 2024, O.N.

39:52

Ellis James just about loses it when he

39:54

is unable to retrieve the Sunday Times at

39:56

8.45pm. He'd

39:59

originally, in fact, bought the paper earlier on, but

40:01

they had had a train delay of a shocking

40:03

150 minutes and the train

40:05

reporter had announced that the train would be

40:07

delayed by 46 minutes, apparently saying

40:10

that they would get to St Pancras at

40:12

4.12 and James was forced

40:14

to take the two of his children, 8

40:16

and 4, on a taxi for 15 minutes.

40:19

He'd already bought the paper by this point and

40:21

he was flipping through it as the long ride

40:23

commenced. Unfortunately, he couldn't find

40:25

the part he wanted and claims

40:27

that someone had pinched it. So,

40:30

when he got home, he went to Budgens

40:32

to see if they had got his newspaper

40:34

there. He was unsuccessful then

40:36

as well and so at 8.45pm he took

40:39

his kids in the cart for a late

40:41

night trip. When his

40:43

older child, Betty, asked him

40:45

why he needed the newspaper so badly, he

40:47

replied, I need that newspaper because

40:49

it is a copy of The Sunday Times

40:51

and that's one of the most famous newspapers

40:53

in the world and I've written a new

40:55

podcast and The Sunday Times have reviewed it

40:57

and they've said it's really good so I'd

40:59

like to keep it. You

41:04

heard it here first, folks, on The Ellis

41:07

James and John Robbins Show, a late night

41:09

dash for The Sunday Times but we've actually

41:11

got an interview here with a reporter herself,

41:13

if we could hand over once again to

41:15

Betty James. Why do you think

41:17

he wanted to read about

41:20

his podcast being good? He

41:24

is the sort of person that likes

41:26

to see his achievements written in black

41:28

and white so I can sort

41:31

of understand how he would want

41:33

to retrieve that newspaper.

41:37

Do you know what the podcast was about? No,

41:41

he didn't supply us with any information of the

41:43

podcast. What do you think he

41:45

talks about in his podcasts generally? When

41:48

you hear him through the door, what's

41:50

he talking about? Politics, Boris Johnson, horrible

41:53

dad things that I don't understand this sort

41:56

of but I don't really get most

41:58

of it. There you go.

42:00

I didn't know you had a political podcast. Neither

42:02

did I. I,

42:05

uh, she,

42:08

I haven't won an argument with my daughter since

42:11

she was about two. She's

42:13

always right and I'm always wrong. She's

42:15

got a mega brain. Yeah, yeah.

42:18

Uh, there is a bit more behind the article.

42:20

She destroys me at wordle. Really? Yeah.

42:23

Interesting. Really embarrassing me, so. We can

42:25

dig a bit deeper. Can we, Dave? Oh, we

42:27

can dig deeper. That's not on

42:29

my sheet. There's a few more small, um,

42:32

investigative interview parts. Oh, great. Hit me. Do

42:35

you think that he should have taken his children

42:37

out in the car so late

42:39

in the dark and cold? Absolutely

42:41

not. No, no, no, no, no. I

42:43

think what he should have done, maybe

42:45

gone into Budgens, asked

42:48

them for the newspaper. They didn't have it.

42:50

Just go straight home. Don't track. Because

42:52

he took us to quite a few other places as well, even though

42:54

I haven't mentioned it in here. So like,

42:56

he took us. Yeah, he did. We

42:59

were really tired and we had a long day, so I don't really

43:01

think it was fair on us. Close to tears

43:03

there, Dave. What?

43:05

This is harrowing testimony. It is.

43:08

From someone who was actually there. Only at school

43:10

the next day. And

43:12

there's one more clip, I think. Did

43:15

he give you dinner? I

43:18

cannot remember that. I can't, um, he

43:20

probably did, but I wouldn't be surprised if

43:22

he was too wrapped up in the grief

43:25

of losing his review to, um,

43:29

think about that. So. And

43:31

did he buy you a magazine or when he was going on

43:33

the search for the newspaper, did he buy you something? No, no,

43:35

he didn't. He didn't do it. He

43:38

didn't. No, he was just on that

43:40

search for the newspaper. He wouldn't go off his task. He

43:42

would not abandon anything. He wouldn't change one little thing about

43:44

what he was doing. The

43:47

emotion in her voice. And Listers, don't

43:49

worry. That testimony has been

43:51

handed over to Child Services. You'll

43:54

be taking, I would imagine, direct action, Dave.

43:56

Yeah. How many Sunday scrambles

43:58

has Betty written? You're

44:00

a very funny one the other day about

44:02

me forgetting someone's name in a car park.

44:04

Great. Next week.

44:06

Absolutely. I'm the dummy of that. Superba,

44:10

thank you so much, Betty,

44:13

for your incredible investigative prowess.

44:16

She's very well spoken. Yeah. Yeah.

44:20

It's interesting because obviously Izzy

44:22

and I have got relatively strong accents.

44:24

Well, you were hoping to breed

44:26

the perfect voiceover artist, weren't you?

44:29

Yeah. The ultimate in warm regionals. But

44:32

you've ended up with someone who's got a

44:34

very, very, she's very well spoken. Well, she

44:36

goes to a normal state school, our local

44:38

school, but I think it's YouTube, baby. YouTube.

44:42

I think YouTube has sort of equaled,

44:45

I think it's sort of flattened people's,

44:48

because she used to have a very strong southland

44:50

accent because of her child minder. But

44:52

then as soon as she got to school, that went. So

44:55

it's an interesting phenomenon I've noticed. Well,

44:58

now we'll have another one of those next week, won't we,

45:00

Dave? We will have them. Yes.

45:03

Whether next week, who knows where, because Betty's

45:05

busy. I mean, Betty's busy pounding the streets.

45:07

She's on the Pulitzer list. She's

45:10

keeping her ear to the ground, which means sometimes she might not

45:12

have time to get behind a Yeti

45:14

blue microphone to do another version of Sunday

45:16

Scramble. But there will be more given that

45:18

you forgot someone's name in the car. But

45:20

that has to be documented. She's not here

45:22

for that. Yeah. OK,

45:25

folks. Thanks.

46:01

Sounds like we're doing a hard hitting

46:03

late night channel phone investigation to

46:05

drug abuse. Yeah,

46:08

it's full on isn't it? It hurts

46:10

John, it hurts John. It's scary. Yeah, but

46:12

it's well, thank you for sending it in.

46:14

Yeah, thank you for sending it in. It's

46:17

quite scary. Yeah. Well,

46:19

it's a special made up game this week

46:21

because we hear at the Ellis James and

46:23

John Robbins podcast, we're all about cross promotion.

46:26

Agreed. Aren't we David? Yes.

46:29

Yeah, yeah, we are. Well,

46:31

well, the most important BBC event of the

46:34

year. What's that? Chelsea

46:36

flower share. Oh, right. Oh, is

46:38

it? Yeah,

46:40

I suppose

46:42

it would be Wimbledon, maybe your heroes,

46:45

the heroes, the

46:48

election, the flower show, the election is the BBC's

46:50

got a lot of good stuff. The BBC's got

46:52

a lot of good stuff, but none more so

46:54

than Glastonbury, but they do send less people than

46:56

they used to. Yes,

46:59

because of the daily mail

47:01

article. Still making great

47:03

content whilst they're there, though. Oh, super

47:05

content, Dave. Yeah. You

47:07

want to talk us through the game, Dave? I will talk. You've

47:09

not introduced. I thought I was waiting to say, Dave, what's the

47:11

game that you usually do? What's the game, Dave? There we go.

47:14

This week's game comes in from Jacob

47:16

in Nuneaton. Hi, Alison, John. As a

47:19

seasoned listener to your oeuvre, I know

47:21

that Dave simply cannot help getting his

47:23

stop fordian mitts all over a game

47:25

that's topical. That would be a good

47:28

cryptic crossword clue. What's that? Going

47:31

hungry in the Midlands? Question

47:33

mark. Nuneaton. Yeah.

47:36

Oh, good. OK, because

47:38

he has his pulse on whatever the BBC is

47:40

promoting at that time in that

47:43

moment. So in an attempt to fast

47:45

track a contribution onto your show, I

47:47

bring you a Glastonbury special made up

47:49

game, because if you're listening close to

47:51

when this goes out, Glastonbury is just

47:53

around the corner. Oh, we are so

47:55

excited. I cannot see you for shoe

47:57

horns. All

48:00

I'm seeing is just an enormous shoe. It's not a

48:02

shoe We're

48:05

just using a shoe horned yeah, but we

48:07

just to point at stuff Well,

48:11

we all love Glastonbury I'm there every

48:13

year You

48:19

could take a tent on your car this year John if

48:21

you didn't want to pitch it up in the field Which

48:24

we talked about in the last podcast didn't we could I

48:26

could take a tent on my car if I went mad.

48:28

Yeah Do

48:31

you know what? If

48:34

you told me I'm going to Glastonbury That

48:38

of all the things I would think he's gone he's lost

48:40

it John's lost it. It

48:43

is such an un John unless

48:46

I was going through some kind of aversion

48:48

therapy Yeah, so you're

48:50

going to Glastonbury and you're spending three days

48:52

at the spider tent. What's that? I know

48:54

it's like you're also scared of spiders. I

48:56

thought that was an actual thing They're

48:59

used to being I'm not sure whether it's still there There

49:01

used to be a big metal spider that

49:03

spat fire into the air. Oh, yeah Which

49:07

I don't think is a bit of you I

49:09

just do what my stepdad used to do get

49:11

on my motorbike drive up to fly

49:13

over and watch the traffic build up Go

49:16

home again Genuinely

49:19

used to do Very

49:21

sweet is it? Driving

49:24

45 minutes on a motorbike

49:26

to watch traffic build up and driving home again.

49:28

That's what you're into. Yeah Watching

49:33

the weather good you can do both those

49:35

things in one go you can you can

49:37

didn't trust it on his app Always wanted

49:39

it on the telly Interesting.

49:42

I mean the apps can be quite temperamental.

49:44

No, they can't they're absolutely spot-on they Many

49:48

people haven't been to a festival before and

49:50

they're also the sort of thing where you

49:52

can them in mad situations Given

49:55

your practical minds and shall we say

49:57

differing temperaments? I can imagine each of

49:59

you handling such unexpected festival based scenarios

50:02

with varying degrees of success and ingenuity.

50:05

So this is how we will play. Dave will

50:07

provide us a number of scenarios, OK? Festival

50:09

based scenarios. For each situation, you have

50:12

to give the most creative solution to

50:14

that problem. Once you

50:16

have offered up your answer, it's then all down

50:18

to the vibes, guys, and the scores on the

50:20

board. With producer Dave giving you points for, you

50:23

might want to scribble this down, practicality, creativity

50:25

and vibe, with each category being

50:28

scored out of five. So there

50:30

are three categories being scored out

50:32

of five. We

50:37

should just sound a bit like vibe, that's where the problem

50:39

came from. So,

50:41

yeah, so there's three categories for each

50:43

scenario, OK? OK. Highest

50:46

total score at the end wins. Good luck. So let

50:48

me just I'm just going to grid out my board

50:50

over here, lads, OK? So

50:53

I can have some scoring on

50:55

the go. Scores

50:58

on the doors. Ellis is, oh, dearie me, John.

51:00

It's three games up, isn't it? Three games to

51:02

love in the first set. I'm going to get

51:04

a donut here. Yeah, you

51:06

are. Right, you ready?

51:09

Yep. It's called Pyramid Problems. Should we

51:11

call it Pyramid Scheme? Well,

51:14

it's Pyramid Scheming. Because

51:17

you're scheming. What about Glastonbury

51:19

Game? Yeah.

51:23

Well, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs,

51:25

Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs, Higgs. Pyramid Scheming

51:27

is good, Dave. Yeah, that is good, actually. OK.

51:29

We're changing. Sort of check with Jacob in the

51:32

lead and that he's OK with that. Jacob,

51:35

thanks so much for taking the time to send in the

51:37

game to Ellis and John at bbc.co.uk. We're

51:40

going to change the name to Pyramid Scheming.

51:42

That is a good name. That

51:44

is a good name. Good, aren't you, John?

51:46

Well, we workshopped it, Dave. We did actually.

51:48

It's probably your idea. John's talented. He is.

51:51

He is a talented guy. But

51:53

is he talented? Is

51:59

he talented? Scenario-based solutions, we

52:01

shall find out in pyramid

52:03

scheming. Round

52:05

one, scenario one. You've decided

52:08

to get an early night and you're snuggled up

52:10

in bed... At Glastonbury. And

52:12

you're snuggled up in bed for 9pm in your

52:14

tent. But people are making an

52:16

awful lot of racket for a Saturday night,

52:19

just outside. Exactly. What are you going to

52:21

do to solve this problem? So

52:25

there's the scenario. You're in bed, which

52:28

is a bit mad. I mean, this is before

52:30

the headliners come on. On

52:32

Saturday night. It's not a very likely scenario, is

52:34

it, Dave? No, but I think that's the point,

52:36

that it's slightly unusual, so it should give you

52:38

scope to have a think about what you would

52:40

do there. So what are you going to do?

52:44

Have you had a think? Yeah. Great. All right,

52:46

then Alice, please, come to you

52:48

first. Listen, these people, let's be real. They're

52:51

going to be blissed out on Mary Jane.

52:53

Yeah. OK. They're going to

52:55

be cannibalist. So

52:58

what are you doing? They're in space, Dave. They're

53:00

in space. So you go

53:02

up to them, you go up to the leader, and you

53:04

say, listen, guys, who

53:07

would like to hear a story? And

53:09

then you sit them all down around the campfire.

53:11

Yeah. And you make sure they

53:13

spark up a blimmin' J. Not

53:16

everyone does drugs at festivals. Are you mad, Dave?

53:18

Have you ever been to a festival, Dave? And

53:21

then what you do is you tell them

53:23

a story that is so dull they fall

53:25

asleep. So

53:27

it can be... Often you would

53:29

be able to improvise around

53:31

a pre-existing story. So you might

53:33

take Hans Christian Andersen's fairytale, but just remove

53:36

all of the jeopardy. You

53:39

can remove all of the jeopardy, check in

53:41

a load of detail, and within about 20

53:43

minutes they're asleep. Hansel and

53:46

Gretel's tax return. Yeah,

53:50

exactly. Good stuff. Yes. OK. I

53:53

obviously won't score until I've heard both. Well,

53:56

my first look, Dave, is I need to get soundproofing. I

54:00

need to get some distance between myself and those

54:02

people. Obviously, can't do that because I'm in a

54:04

festival. Yeah. So what do I do? I call

54:07

the local Travis Perkins. Yeah.

54:09

I order two bags of cement. And

54:12

some distilled water. Okay. Probably 20 liters.

54:15

Remember, practicality is one of the scoring

54:17

verticals. Money is not an object. Money

54:20

is not an object. I'm there on the BBC's

54:22

dollar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Can't pay

54:24

the million pounder's show. Right. Davey

54:26

has given me his personal credit card.

54:29

So I get the delivery of cement and

54:31

distilled water from Travis Perkins. I

54:34

also rent a cement mixer. And

54:37

I encase myself in the

54:39

tomb of cement. Which

54:42

is also... And I stay there for the

54:44

rest of the weekend. It's also fairly useful.

54:46

Should there be a nuclear attack? Yes. So

54:50

just summarise... I mix myself

54:53

into a coffin of cement.

54:55

Yes. And wait for it to

54:57

dry. With a door. No, no,

54:59

door. I'm just there. You cementing myself

55:01

to death. Yeah. Interesting

55:04

stuff. But both really good

55:06

actually. Well done. Ellis,

55:08

practicality, three. Creativity,

55:12

three. I

55:14

think. Out of what? Five. Oh, okay. Because

55:17

there is a bit there. It's a two one. It's not

55:19

bad. And then vibe. It's

55:22

quite low energy. Dave,

55:24

I'm trying to get 40 winks at Glastonbury at

55:26

9pm on Sunday. Saturday night. Of course it's low

55:29

energy. Going to give you two for vibe. So

55:31

you got eight. Eight, which is all right. John,

55:34

practicality is going to let you down here. Because

55:36

I can't see how you would want... How you... With all

55:38

the money in the world. I can't

55:40

see how Travis Perkins is shipping. Dave, have

55:43

you not seen Challenge Anika? Yeah.

55:45

These companies are willing to go the extra mile

55:47

if it means they get a bit of exposure.

55:49

I bet they are. But the border of Glastonbury these

55:51

days, like Fort Knox. Yeah. You can't get a load

55:54

of cement in. That's true. So

55:56

one for practicality. But creativity, I did enjoy

55:58

it. It's four. And vibe,

56:00

it's good. You locked

56:03

up in cement is good vibes. It's

56:08

a loose scoring system. I'm going to give you

56:10

four. You locked up in cement is good vibes.

56:14

That's a t-shirt. Yeah. You

56:18

locked up in cement is good vibes.

56:20

The NSGms and John Roberts podcast. So

56:23

you locked up in cement is good vibes.

56:25

That's another four. So you got nine. Okay,

56:27

cool. So nine. Should we go cue? His

56:29

idea beat mine. It did. I liked it.

56:31

Knocking himself in cement. Well, you're not getting

56:33

to sleep, are you? Because you're chatting to

56:35

them. Yeah, yeah, it will take half an

56:37

hour. Okay. Are you going to do little

56:39

breathing holes? Nope. Like, so it's

56:41

going to be like gold finger. You ain't

56:43

ever seen me again. He cemented himself to

56:45

death, Dave. He died doing what he loved.

56:47

Good vibes. Encasing himself in cement. Still good

56:50

vibe. You've been left there for every year

56:52

at the festival. Like, it's a shrine. Good

56:54

vibes. I bet they'd end up burning blifters

56:56

on me. Oh, all those graffiti. Someone would

56:58

spray paint Foo Fighters on your own with

57:00

cement coffin. Oh, that would be the

57:02

worst. It's

57:09

a lovely image. So it's nine

57:11

eight. Should we go cumulative, Bertie, do we think?

57:15

Let's go cumulative. So

57:19

you're still in the game out. Someone's

57:21

spray painting the enemy on John's cement

57:23

coffin that is there forever. Round

57:26

two. You ready? Yeah. It's

57:29

Friday night and the Glasto AFters are in

57:31

full swing after the whole site, across

57:33

the whole site. But there's a problem. As

57:36

you've now been wandering aimlessly for two hours

57:38

trying to find your tent. Yeah. Hell. Absolute

57:40

hell. This is just like,

57:42

and you're covered in bloody cement. I'm

57:48

going to ask someone to chisel me out in

57:50

the cement coffin. And

57:53

they had a lot of questions. So that you can go

57:55

watch films in the machine. Yeah. As

57:58

you've now been wandering aimlessly for two hours. trying to

58:00

find your tent which has clearly vanished off the face

58:02

of the earth. You're convinced that you've covered every blade

58:04

of grass but it's no use. What's

58:06

your next move to make the

58:09

most out of an increasingly desperate

58:11

situation? Dave, the answer is obvious.

58:14

I find the most beautiful woman at the festival,

58:17

I seduce her and I spend the night in

58:19

her tent. Okay.

58:23

I had a slightly diff... I had a similar

58:25

but slightly different type. Mine was just find an

58:27

idiot. Just find an idiot.

58:29

Seduce him and I spend the night

58:31

in his tent. Find a hammered idiot.

58:35

Give him a couple of cans of carling. Basically

58:38

suggest to you, suggest to them

58:41

that you saw them earlier on,

58:43

in the healing

58:45

field and that you actually made friends with them

58:47

and that they were an old friend from school

58:49

or something and then you sleep in their awning.

58:51

Dave, I'm a very mysterious prospect

58:53

at a festival. All of the

58:55

girls, all of the guys, they look at me going, who's

58:58

that outsider? You went to Green Man.

59:01

Yeah. You went to Reading a couple of times. Yeah,

59:03

in 1999 and 2001. You've

59:08

changed since then. Green Man 2004 before it

59:10

got too big. Before

59:13

it got the Welly Brigade, you

59:15

know what I mean? No.

59:19

But I've just got The Guardian, talked about it

59:21

a lot and loads of people turned up with

59:23

the kids. I worked at the Green Man festival

59:25

and I remember we had, I was working in

59:27

the merch tent and

59:29

we had a little sort of notice board and

59:32

someone, I never get someone

59:34

wrote emergency. I would really

59:36

love to read today's Sunday Observer. If

59:38

anyone has got a copy, text me

59:41

on all seven of them. Would it

59:43

you? No, no. Just

59:45

judging from the Sunday Scrum. Yeah, no, just

59:47

reading the letter. Similar stories. Let's race through

59:49

this because I think the scoring system is

59:51

vague at best at this stage. Practicality, I'm

59:53

going to give you both four. Both

59:56

feel quite practical solutions. Ellis

59:58

could easily give an idiot cap. and I

1:00:00

could easily seduce the most beautiful woman at

1:00:02

Blastonbury. Creativity. I'm going to give Al just

1:00:05

one more point, because I think the narrative

1:00:08

behind what you would do, where you'd go within,

1:00:10

how you would see out

1:00:12

your evening, you just wanted to, I think,

1:00:15

just pull. No, no.

1:00:17

I'm seducing them. I'm not having any

1:00:19

relationship with them. Oh, interesting. I'm just

1:00:21

using their bed. OK,

1:00:24

good. But there's nothing physical. Oh, is there

1:00:26

not? OK, fine. I mean, I lead

1:00:28

them to believe that, perhaps. And then

1:00:30

I fall immediately asleep in my coffin

1:00:32

of cement. You

1:00:35

three points for creativity. You two, Jon.

1:00:38

Yeah. And then the

1:00:40

final one is vibe. It

1:00:42

sets... Creativity and vibe are sort of quite similar,

1:00:44

aren't they? Yeah, yeah. But

1:00:47

I think there's just a bit more of a vibe to

1:00:49

Jon seducing a lady. Well, there's a lot of vibes. What?

1:00:51

What? Me with my arm around an idiot, telling him that

1:00:53

he's my best friend and giving him a can so I

1:00:55

can sleep in his awning. But you do so when they're

1:00:57

out. That is disgusting, please. It's 10-9 to Alice in that

1:01:00

round, which makes it 18-0 going into the final round. Oh,

1:01:02

that is exciting. That is exciting, isn't it? Oh,

1:01:04

this could be interesting. Round three.

1:01:07

You've seen the pigeon detective smash the park

1:01:10

stage and you're now on the way

1:01:12

to watch the twang headline the pyramid. So I'm in

1:01:14

a time machine then. It should never happen. But

1:01:17

you've got a splitting headache. Helpful

1:01:21

passerby offers you paracetamol. Oh, oh,

1:01:23

yeah. Likely. Isn't everyone... I want

1:01:26

to see the receipt and the

1:01:28

security intact on that box. Isn't

1:01:31

everyone so kind at Glastonbury, you think

1:01:33

to yourself? Get on ecstasy, Dave. Well,

1:01:36

let me finish the scenario, chaps.

1:01:38

Within half an hour, you're feeling a little bit

1:01:40

chirpier than usual, desperate to share your life story

1:01:43

with anyone and everyone who you encounter. It

1:01:45

seems like a headache tablet might have been a

1:01:47

little stronger than the helpful stranger in a mankini

1:01:50

made out. What do you

1:01:52

do? You're up

1:01:54

to your eyeballs, lads. How are you going

1:01:56

to see out? What would you do in

1:01:58

this scenario? Dave, it's obvious. I

1:02:01

get hold of an acoustic guitar and I

1:02:03

just start to play. And

1:02:06

yeah, it's stream of consciousness. The

1:02:08

lyrics are coming out. I'm Bob

1:02:11

Dylan. It's 1964. I'm Virginia Woolf.

1:02:14

I'm actually a beat poet. I'm Alan Ginsberg.

1:02:17

And out come the lyrics. And what's that? The

1:02:19

BBC have passed. Is that

1:02:21

a list from Five Live? And

1:02:24

BBC Wears is Feast of Football. Oh

1:02:27

my God, he's absolutely brilliant. Emily

1:02:30

Evis he is. She's like, I've got

1:02:32

to tell dad. Michael Evis

1:02:34

absolutely loves it. His favourite vocalist of

1:02:36

all time is Bobby Gillespie. He's like,

1:02:38

there's a Gillespie and vibe to Ellis

1:02:41

actually. Before the magic

1:02:43

wears off, wallop. Shirley

1:02:46

Bassey has been bumped. I'm

1:02:48

on the main stage just playing.

1:02:50

It's great. Whispering Bob Harris, they get

1:02:53

him from region two. He introduces me.

1:02:55

It's just incredible, Dave. And

1:02:58

then I get paid a hundred grand, which

1:03:00

I give to charity. Because

1:03:05

I'm in a good mood. That

1:03:08

last flourish of charity is just giving you an extra

1:03:10

point in the creativity section. A hundred grand to water

1:03:12

raid. There you go. In fact, no, it's going to

1:03:14

give you an extra point in vibe, I think. I

1:03:19

feel like I'm Greg Davies on Taskmaster

1:03:21

with his scoring system. Yeah. Is

1:03:24

it close to John? Yeah. Yeah. John,

1:03:27

what's going on? I walk home. Good stuff.

1:03:32

I'm not willing to drive. Obviously I can't. No.

1:03:34

I walk home and I call the police. Okay,

1:03:40

so Ellis, I

1:03:43

enjoyed your story. I was there. I

1:03:46

felt like I really went on that journey with you. Just

1:03:48

One Court, more an Evan O style. Yeah, that's what the

1:03:50

film would be called. Just One Court. Yes.

1:03:53

I'm going to give you two for

1:03:55

practicality because you wouldn't have had a

1:03:57

guitar with you. Oh, I get one. And just

1:03:59

suddenly being on the main stage feels... Not very

1:04:01

practical. Come on, Dave. Four for creativity,

1:04:03

four for vibe. You're finishing on a solid ten

1:04:05

in the final round. John walking

1:04:08

home I feel like

1:04:10

you threw that point a bit John. I felt like

1:04:12

there was more in that. I just,

1:04:14

I just, I literally This

1:04:16

is what I would actually do. I would, I would

1:04:18

just head straight for the exit and walk home. Okay

1:04:23

Do you know what, it is practical I suppose you could, you

1:04:26

could try and do it. I would

1:04:28

do it. You could go to Thornbury Yeah,

1:04:30

we'll walk to Thornbury. Walk to

1:04:32

Thornbury. Four for practicality John. Four,

1:04:35

walking to Thornbury from

1:04:38

the Clustebry Festival site. It doesn't mean that he's gonna get

1:04:40

there But just the fact that he's thought, you know, I

1:04:42

could just do here I could just try

1:04:44

and walk home. That is doable. Not

1:04:46

getting to the destination. I could try and

1:04:48

walk to Aberdeen Do you think I could

1:04:50

get there? That wasn't your choice. You decided

1:04:53

to headline the main stage Two

1:04:57

for creativity and two for vibe though John I'm

1:04:59

afraid. Oh, yeah, there's no vibe to it So

1:05:04

it's six so I was really rooting for you

1:05:06

there John But Ellis has

1:05:08

28 points to John's 24 I

1:05:11

did was it clear for my answer. I didn't want to

1:05:13

be at the festival Dave Yeah,

1:05:16

yeah, it was pretty clear But

1:05:18

that wasn't the part of the game you were there you

1:05:20

needed to make K while the Sun shined Mmm, well, I'm

1:05:22

looking forward to the festival Maybe

1:05:25

you'll check out all BBC's coverage who's

1:05:27

on this year. Oh loads. Hey, Julie

1:05:30

per Cold play there always

1:05:32

there aren't they they're they're great and

1:05:36

Danny Minogue's making a surprise appear, you

1:05:38

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1:05:41

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1:05:44

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terms at mintmobile.com. Okay. Well,

1:07:44

this afternoon, based on John's

1:07:46

story of drinking

1:07:49

two kilos of coffee, he didn't

1:07:51

like to prove a point. We

1:07:54

are discussing our stunning stubbornness. This is from Louise

1:07:56

when I was 18. I

1:07:58

insisted my feet were a sight. eight not

1:08:00

at nine and crammed them into a pair

1:08:02

of size eight trainers. Maybe walking to and

1:08:05

from uni and them fractured a bone in

1:08:07

my foot. I now wear size nines." That

1:08:09

is stubborn. That is stubborn. This

1:08:12

is from Jay. Several years ago I refused to budge

1:08:14

on the £5 asking price for

1:08:16

a printer I was selling at a car boot sale.

1:08:19

I refused offers of £3, £4 and even

1:08:21

£4.50. I ended up taking the printer

1:08:23

home with me and it's moved house with us

1:08:25

and remains in the attic. This

1:08:28

is from Richard. My in-laws are very lax when

1:08:30

it comes to best before dates. In fact they

1:08:32

don't accept they exist at all. I think it's

1:08:35

just another way for supermarkets to make money. We

1:08:37

were out for dinner very early and me and

1:08:39

my full-time wife's relationship and I, unaware of this

1:08:41

stance, liberally sprinkled some of that

1:08:43

Italian hard cheese, the stuff you get

1:08:45

that isn't actually parmesan, on my carbonara.

1:08:48

Only to see a huge amount of brown

1:08:50

slash green dust land upon my pasta. They

1:08:53

were too stubborn to accept it and indeed passed its best

1:08:55

and I was too polite to leave it. Cheese

1:08:58

is mould anyway. I kept telling myself

1:09:00

as I crunched it down. 17 years

1:09:04

later we're still married, I'm still alive

1:09:06

and that tub of hard cheese is

1:09:08

probably still in their cupboards. Right,

1:09:12

now it's time to enter the petty parliament.

1:09:16

Order! Order! Eyes

1:09:18

to the right, nose

1:09:21

to the left. Yeah,

1:09:23

yeah, yeah. I find

1:09:25

the right honourable gentleman annoying.

1:09:28

Alison Johns, petty parliament. I

1:09:30

sentence you to ten years.

1:09:33

It's not, it's not a

1:09:35

court. On

1:09:38

BBC Five Live. Yes,

1:09:41

we are trying our very best to

1:09:44

improve the country with legislation.

1:09:46

We always put something into the

1:09:49

petty parliament. And what do we

1:09:51

have this week, John? Well,

1:09:53

obviously the petty parliament is sort

1:09:56

of in recess, isn't it Dave? Of course,

1:09:58

yeah. For the election. but

1:10:00

the Petty Parliament MPs

1:10:02

are all out there canvassing. Some

1:10:05

of them might be knocking on your

1:10:07

door to find out what issues are important to

1:10:09

you. But we still have

1:10:11

a sort of skeleton staff able to

1:10:13

process your suggestions. This

1:10:15

is from P.D. Hey, Ellis, John and

1:10:17

Dave and everyone else behind the scenes,

1:10:20

I have a potentially controversial Petty Parliament

1:10:22

as follows. Deluxe Albums

1:10:26

I understand the hype about them a bit. Back

1:10:28

in the days of physically buying albums and not

1:10:30

having access to literally any music wherever you want,

1:10:33

the Deluxe Album would have been an exciting prospect but

1:10:35

in the present day they just feel a bit pointless

1:10:38

to me. When an artist releases

1:10:40

an album, after carefully having selected the songs and

1:10:42

agonised over the order of tracks, and then a

1:10:44

couple of months down the line says, hey by

1:10:46

the way here's some more, it makes me think

1:10:48

why weren't these just on the album in the

1:10:50

first place. And then when I

1:10:52

go onto my streaming platform of choice I'm

1:10:54

faced with the pointless decision of picking

1:10:57

album or album square brackets deluxe

1:10:59

close square brackets. And

1:11:01

obviously I'm picking square brackets deluxe

1:11:03

square brackets because I want the

1:11:05

whole thing. The original version is

1:11:07

now obsolete. A deluxe album with

1:11:09

fewer than three bonus tracks is

1:11:11

especially pointless on top of the

1:11:13

pre-existing pointlessness. My punishment would

1:11:16

be that for any meal the artist or producer

1:11:18

responsible makes for a month they must prepare and

1:11:20

cook half of what they want to eat, sit

1:11:22

down, eat it and only when they're done can

1:11:24

they get back to make the second half

1:11:26

and then sit back down again

1:11:29

and eat. See they could have

1:11:31

just had it in one go.

1:11:33

Oh there's a lot to dig

1:11:35

into there. This is a spicy tamoli

1:11:38

date. Yeah it is. The World of

1:11:40

the deluxe album. And

1:11:42

actually I think in

1:11:44

in I'm agreeing with

1:11:47

you but for a different reason I

1:11:49

think perhaps the inverse is true that

1:11:51

deluxe albums are there to exploit people

1:11:53

who still buy physical copies of stuff.

1:11:56

So if you're going on a streaming

1:11:58

service yes it's a bit annoying. annoying, but

1:12:01

you've saved yourself the extra 20 quid of

1:12:03

getting the new Deluxe album for the extra

1:12:05

four tracks or whatever. I

1:12:08

think Deluxe albums are

1:12:12

problematic. In the main, they're often far

1:12:14

too long. There's far too much stuff

1:12:16

on there. Occasionally, with

1:12:18

especially the posthumous ones, I think I don't

1:12:20

even know if the artist wanted this stuff

1:12:23

released. If not

1:12:25

that it would ever happen, but my

1:12:27

God, if after

1:12:30

I died, people released the

1:12:33

voice memos on my phone of

1:12:35

sort of work in progress

1:12:37

gigs or first drafts, I

1:12:39

would be mortified. Or

1:12:43

if my sort of my notebook and stuff

1:12:45

with all the ideas of first drafts, etc,

1:12:47

etc. Some of

1:12:50

them are so expansive

1:12:52

that they're hard work to get through. And

1:12:56

nine times out of 10, the

1:12:58

record as released was how the artist intended

1:13:01

it. I think it was

1:13:04

fine as it was. Dave, I'm

1:13:06

actually going to criticise Queen. Whoa.

1:13:10

So Queen have

1:13:12

a problem in that

1:13:14

their back catalogue is pretty

1:13:16

fixed. There ain't a lot

1:13:19

of extra stuff knocking around. Got you. Yeah.

1:13:21

You know, they also some of the extra

1:13:23

interesting stuff that is around, they don't want

1:13:25

to release because it's not of a high

1:13:27

enough quality. So

1:13:29

what their management do is repackage

1:13:32

the same things again and again and

1:13:35

again and again. So often

1:13:37

what they will do is release a special

1:13:39

edition of an album and

1:13:41

it's the 11 tracks as is

1:13:43

and it'll say they're remastered, but no one can tell

1:13:46

the difference. Yeah. And then it'll have a live version

1:13:48

of one of the songs which is already available on

1:13:50

an album, a remix of one

1:13:52

of the songs which no one's really interested in.

1:13:54

Or by like another person. Yeah.

1:13:56

And then a B side which is on

1:13:59

the single. already got all the

1:14:01

stuff. And it's another, you

1:14:03

know, 1599 if you want to buy the

1:14:05

CD. So I don't approve of that. And

1:14:07

anniversaries play a big part in this. Yes.

1:14:09

Then there's an argument in

1:14:11

favor of the deluxe edition, which is

1:14:14

some of the Frank Zappa box sets

1:14:16

that have come out. I was

1:14:18

going to mention this. Which do not

1:14:20

contain the original album as originally

1:14:22

released, but it's six

1:14:25

CDs of demos,

1:14:28

takes from the live recordings,

1:14:31

live concerts. So the Roxy and

1:14:33

elsewhere, the Roxy performances is a six

1:14:35

CD edition of all of the gigs

1:14:38

that that album was taken from. That's

1:14:40

VFM, isn't it? It's not just

1:14:42

the album again, and then three tracks

1:14:44

you haven't heard. It's like 80

1:14:47

songs. Yeah. So for the

1:14:49

completist, it is Valhalla. It

1:14:51

is overwhelming. It is

1:14:53

overwhelming, but at least it is giving

1:14:55

you one. It's giving you everything it

1:14:58

can give you. Also, I listened to the hot and

1:15:00

you don't have to buy it. Yeah. I listened to

1:15:02

the hot ruts sessions. So

1:15:04

I'd heard the album and I listened to

1:15:06

the sessions on your recommendation. And what's so

1:15:08

intriguing about it is you can

1:15:10

see and hear songs take shape because

1:15:13

there are very early versions, versions in

1:15:15

the middle when they thought they were

1:15:17

getting somewhere. And then the final version

1:15:19

and creativity is quite an interesting process

1:15:22

to be party to. When I looked

1:15:25

at the sessions, it was overwhelmingly long, but

1:15:27

I thought if you're into Flux Upper, this

1:15:29

is just gold, isn't it? So

1:15:31

a very interesting debate

1:15:34

sparked from that suggestion.

1:15:36

But I think your basic point that a

1:15:38

deluxe album with fewer than three bonus tracks

1:15:40

is pointless. And the

1:15:42

punishment that you have, especially

1:15:44

when they're coming out like months afterwards,

1:15:47

is so cynical. So the eyes have

1:15:49

it. So the eyes have

1:15:51

it. The eyes have it. Unlock. We've

1:15:54

got a caller on the line now for Petty

1:15:56

Parliament. Katie. Hello, Katie. Hi

1:15:58

afternoon, folks. How's it going? Good, thank you.

1:16:00

How are you? Very well, thank

1:16:02

you. Where are you calling from Kitty? I'm

1:16:05

calling from Stratford in East London. What's

1:16:08

your petty parliament, please? So

1:16:11

my petty parliament might be a bit of a controversial

1:16:13

one, given that we're in a football time.

1:16:15

I can't tell you what it is. We are in a football time.

1:16:20

It's people, I'll be honest, you see groups

1:16:22

of lads who sing in quote marks along

1:16:24

to parts of songs when they don't have

1:16:27

any lyrics in them. So lots of no,

1:16:29

no, no, and dah, dah, dah, along to

1:16:31

guitar parts. And then when the lyrics kick

1:16:33

in, they're not interested in singing at all.

1:16:35

They just want to be along to the guitar part.

1:16:37

And it is so irritating. Could

1:16:39

you give me an example, please, Kitty?

1:16:42

Oh, God, why are you doing this? OK, so

1:16:44

I was thinking of a few examples and I'm

1:16:47

sorry to bring a music one back to Queen

1:16:49

again, but you get it in Bohemian Rhapsody. So

1:16:51

you've got that bit where it says the devil's

1:16:53

put aside for me, for me. And then the

1:16:56

guitar kicks in and they're not singing to the

1:16:58

words. They're singing along to Brian Megan. Yes,

1:17:01

I don't know the words. They

1:17:03

just want to know along to

1:17:05

the guitar. You get it in

1:17:07

Parklife, you get in song too.

1:17:09

Yes, and not learn the lyrics.

1:17:12

And I blame the demise of smash hits and

1:17:14

inlays. What

1:17:17

do you feel about that, Ellis,

1:17:19

as a chanter extraordinaire? I like

1:17:21

chanting and I've not

1:17:24

got a problem with it, but it's quite

1:17:26

interesting because sometimes you

1:17:29

realize that songs you think that everyone

1:17:31

knows the words to aren't as popular

1:17:33

or as famous as you think. And

1:17:35

then I think, do I have my finger

1:17:38

on the pulse? And then

1:17:40

obviously, as a comedian,

1:17:42

presenter, cultural commentator, Katie,

1:17:44

I start to worry.

1:17:47

So it's good for me because it

1:17:49

does cause me to sort of ponder

1:17:52

some big questions. What do you

1:17:54

think, Dave? You're another chanter. Don't mind a chance,

1:17:56

but also I do like the lyrics and a

1:17:58

chance. I work very hard. actually of

1:18:00

learning the lyrics to the chance. I'll go home,

1:18:03

scribble them down in my

1:18:05

chant notepad, ask Canada to

1:18:07

test me on the chants. So I

1:18:09

do, I can't, I get what you're saying, Katie,

1:18:12

but I usually, and I would say,

1:18:14

siti are generally quite good with their

1:18:16

songs. They're quite funny with them, quite

1:18:18

creative. So I think we take pride in the songs

1:18:20

that we sing with the lyrics in. So I don't

1:18:22

know how often I've actually come across this phenomena, Katie,

1:18:25

if I'm honest. Well, it's not just at football,

1:18:27

you hear it on TV and football chants,

1:18:29

but even things like festival coverage, when you're

1:18:31

hearing a band on TV and you just

1:18:34

hear the overwhelming noise of people singing along

1:18:36

to the guitar. Seven Nation

1:18:38

Army. Yeah. But

1:18:40

if you're singing along to Hey, Jude, it's

1:18:43

actually sort of the song is a chant.

1:18:46

Yes. Jackie Wilson said. Yeah.

1:18:50

I don't know, Katie, I think at this

1:18:52

stage, the legislation is too

1:18:54

vague. So I'm afraid the no's

1:18:56

have it. The no's have it.

1:18:58

The no's have it. But

1:19:01

thank you very much for your call. Thank

1:19:03

you, Katie. It's always good to spark conversation.

1:19:07

If you've got a petty parliament or especially

1:19:09

a shame, well, if you've got a story

1:19:11

that still embarrasses you or brings you out

1:19:13

in blushing hot sweats, send it

1:19:16

to us at ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk. So

1:19:18

we can read it out in the

1:19:20

shame. Well, but until next

1:19:22

week, it's goodbye from us. Goodbye. Goodbye.