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That's plushcare.com/weight loss. that

2:00

we're trying to work around for this because we've commissioned

2:02

him to write

2:04

this for this very reason. So

2:07

it makes it slightly trickier for him to release

2:09

it commercially. God, commercial rules on

2:11

the BBC are a laugh, aren't they? Yeah,

2:13

you could contact Robin directly and get him

2:15

to play it to you down the phone.

2:17

Yeah, that'd be fine. Which he will do.

2:19

He will do. He might even come around

2:21

if you're local. Yeah. I think

2:25

South London and Kent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

2:29

Something similar to that happened to me

2:32

last night, last week on the podcast.

2:34

You might remember that I put out

2:36

a message, a Come and Get Me

2:38

play. And I said, listen,

2:40

I would love to play Miss Trudy by

2:42

Gorgie's I Got It Monkey, a song I've

2:44

loved for 29 years and Lucy Tamper by

2:47

Gorgie's I Got It Monkey. And I can kind of... On

2:50

the piano. On the piano. I tried to work them up by ear. And

2:54

it was about writing sort of... I was

2:57

in the ball... Right ballpark, then you'd

2:59

play alongside the record and it definitely

3:01

wasn't right. And you

3:03

get... YouTube is awash with these

3:05

piano tutorials now, where people

3:07

will explain songs, often

3:10

very famous songs, but in very basic terms allow

3:12

you to play them and you build them up

3:14

step by step, bar by bar. I

3:16

was like, I wish I'm gonna do that for really

3:18

early Gorgie songs in

3:21

Welsh. And someone

3:23

has put the message out and a PCD,

3:25

listening to this podcast, Emma Jane Clark, put

3:29

the message out to her friend

3:31

Phil Sertes, who runs a YouTube

3:34

tutorial site so you can subscribe

3:36

to him called the Play School

3:38

Music School. And he's

3:40

done the video for me. It only took him a

3:43

few hours. Wow. And I found out about it last

3:45

night at about midnight. And I can now play the

3:47

song. It's actually quite simple. And

3:49

I can play it and it was immensely

3:52

satisfying to learn. The

3:54

only slightly tricky thing is I

3:57

think last week because I

3:59

didn't think... this will happen. I think I

4:01

promised to pay him 10 grand. Yes,

4:03

that was the figure I think. Well I

4:05

think wasn't it to charity, wasn't it to

4:07

a charity of their choice in the end?

4:09

Either way, it's 10 grand, Dave. Yeah, you're

4:11

losing 10 grand. Yeah, I'm, yeah.

4:14

Where the 10 grand goes to. Not

4:16

really. He's lucky if he earns that in a week,

4:18

Dave. We've

4:22

got a bit of the audio of the tutorial show here. Oh,

4:24

yeah, come in. Hello,

4:31

here's a quick tutorial on how to play Miss

4:34

Trudy by Gorky's Zygotic Monkey. So the majority of

4:36

this song is in the key of C major.

4:38

That's all of the white notes. This isn't a

4:40

music theory lesson as such, but what I want

4:42

to do before we move on is just talk

4:44

to you about an important difference between three types

4:46

of chord. Well, I could listen to this all

4:48

day. Well, this exactly reminds me of the point

4:50

of learning the guitar at which I could not

4:52

get my head around it. Yeah. Sevens

4:54

are suspended fourths and mix a

4:57

lody and I was like, just

4:59

show me how to play songs

5:01

of swing. Just let me rock

5:03

out for God's sake. Let

5:06

me do what I'm born to do and

5:08

let me rock out. You can't keep

5:11

not flirting a scale. He's

5:14

about vibe. You can and you will.

5:16

Yeah. That's brilliant. Thank you, Phil.

5:19

I love Phil. I know if I'm paying him

5:21

all this money, I've now got about six other

5:23

ones. I want him to have a go

5:25

at it. Seemingly very easy for

5:27

him. Well, it's 10K a tutorial.

5:29

That's 60K. You're like a sort

5:32

of Saudi prince getting their child

5:34

educated privately. There

5:36

must be AI software, which

5:38

you just play a song to and it

5:41

will just generate the music in

5:43

the tab. There must be,

5:45

because I went to watch a

5:47

recital in a car

5:49

park in Peckham of Keith

5:52

Jarrett's Cologne concert. Really?

5:54

Yeah. The whole thing played by this

5:57

fantastic Japanese pianist. Oh, wow. It's

6:00

the top level of this multi-story car park, which is

6:02

now sort of an event space. Oh, cool. Okay. And

6:05

the pianist had an iPad on

6:09

the piano. And obviously the

6:11

iPad is like hearing the

6:14

notes she's playing and moving, it knows

6:17

when to turn the page, essentially. Oh, right. Which

6:19

must be a revelation for pianists. Yes. Because you

6:21

don't have to turn the page or get someone

6:23

to turn it. Yeah, have someone sit next to

6:25

you. Um, but it was

6:27

very, it was absolutely fantastic to hear

6:29

that. If you haven't listened

6:32

to Keith Jarrett's Clone Concert, it is the best

6:34

selling solo piano album of all time. Is

6:37

it? Yeah. And the best selling jazz album of

6:39

all time, I think, or jazz piano album. He

6:43

was invited to a university, I

6:45

think, or a gig in the 70s

6:47

by the student. And

6:51

he turned up and the piano he'd

6:53

requested wasn't there. And they gave him

6:55

this, the only piano that was there

6:57

was this sort of quite slightly out of tune baby

7:00

grand. And

7:03

I think he was getting paid something like a hundred

7:05

dollars or something for this concert. And

7:08

he played what he improvised, what became

7:10

the Cologne concert. And,

7:13

um, it became the most

7:16

successful album of its genre of

7:18

ever. But to hear it played live

7:20

was, was phenomenal. Was the piano in tune in the

7:22

car park? Yeah, it was very, very good. But to

7:24

sort of hearing it with all the sounds of London

7:27

in the background, so like trains

7:29

going past and arguments on the street and,

7:31

um, sort of car alarms and

7:33

sirens was fantastic. Well, Phil Surtees has only got

7:35

166 subscribers to his channel. Oh,

7:38

come on guys. Get behind Surtees.

7:41

Get behind Surtees, the newly rich

7:43

Phil Surtees. Yeah. What's

7:45

he gonna spend his windfall on? We've

7:48

had lots of great correspondence this

7:51

week folks. So we're going to go through

7:53

some of that now. I

7:55

had a, an email from Aiden

7:57

in Pura Vida in Costa Rica.

8:01

And Aidan said, I was listening to the podcast

8:03

just now and there was a mention of walls

8:05

and the fact they make ice lollies and sausages.

8:07

And it got me thinking of other mental brands

8:09

that have products so far apart that it beggars

8:11

belief about what the heck is going on in

8:13

the boardrooms. Yamaha comes to mind. How would you

8:15

get from pianos to guitars to motorcycles and jet

8:17

skis? Good point, this never occurred to me. Given

8:20

the unique way the BBC is funded, I'm not sure

8:22

this topic fits well with broadcasting rules. What

8:25

other companies make an odd mixture of

8:27

stuff? I mean, Makita

8:29

make power tools and a speaker

8:32

and a coffee maker, but those coffee maker

8:34

and speaker are designed for use on the

8:36

building site. Right.

8:40

This isn't that mad, but it always surprises

8:42

me that I think Rolls Royce designed a

8:44

lot of the engines and aeroplanes. Which

8:47

isn't a million miles away. We've had

8:50

another email on this. Alice, John and Dave,

8:52

after hearing your recent incredulity that a multinational

8:54

food conglomerate might dare to produce products at

8:56

differing ends of the spectrum. Right, James. I

8:59

have a party raise and a story to tell. Firstly,

9:02

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but the

9:04

sausage and ice cream brands of Rolls were

9:06

split off some time ago. No. With

9:09

Unilever, Unilever I should say, now owning

9:11

the meat side and pilgrims owning the

9:14

ice cream side. The sausages and clippers

9:16

are sadly not produced on the same

9:18

machine. Which

9:20

leads me onto my story. My boss

9:23

is a former director of drinks giant

9:25

Diageo. Diageo. And

9:27

often recounts the story, usually when Wimbledon starts, often

9:29

with a distinct lack of large tennis players, that

9:32

Guinness and Pims are made on the

9:35

same machine. And thus the

9:37

first batches of Pims produced annually for the Wimbledon

9:39

set have more than a hint of Guinness in

9:41

them now. Whilst the production

9:43

line is of course cleaned between the different products,

9:45

it is the first batch of Pims that performs

9:47

the final clean. Ridding the innards

9:49

of the machine of any residual black stuff,

9:52

paving the way for the pure Pims that

9:54

follows. As a drink of neither,

9:56

I have never been able to verify his claim.

9:58

Perhaps another listener can, Yechida James. Extraordinary.

10:01

The PIMS Guinness Continuum. Huge

10:04

if true. Huge if true.

10:06

What other companies make varying

10:08

things? Come on. Come

10:14

on. We're trying, John, we're trying.

10:17

I mean, we haven't mentioned

10:19

a few already. Dave, Google

10:21

companies that make different things.

10:23

Please don't make different things.

10:27

I mean, Apple can go from the

10:29

iPhone to the iPad. Absolutely incredible. Not

10:31

different things, just bigger and smaller versions

10:34

of the same thing. I mean, obviously

10:36

electronics companies make air fryers and high

10:38

fives, but I'm thinking, does someone make

10:43

cricket balls and guns?

10:46

Well, interestingly, apparently a lot of Russian

10:48

companies make quite odd products within

10:51

the same company, like nuclear missiles

10:53

and refrigerators. Moog,

10:55

you know, the Moog synthesizer is a benefit

10:57

of sort of prog styles in the 70s.

10:59

They also make crisps. No,

11:02

but there is a Moog that

11:04

makes airplane parts. A

11:07

separate Moog? I got really

11:09

excited, but it is a separate Moog. Separate Moog. Separate,

11:12

blimming Moog. I mean, Samsung are doing

11:14

a lot. Tell

11:16

me about Samsung, Dave. Electronics, semiconductor

11:18

chips, displays, home appliances, construction.

11:21

That's the one. No,

11:23

I want to find out that Heinz

11:25

make concrete. If

11:29

you've got an example, let us know. If Samsung

11:31

also make like cat food, I would be absolutely

11:33

thrilled to bits for that old. I

11:35

got a good one. Yes, Dave, you got a good one.

11:38

Bic. Biro and razor. Bic

11:42

make, well, strap in. It gets

11:44

more varied than that. Let me

11:46

guess. Boxer shorts are

11:48

the elderly. Bic

11:51

make cigarette lighters, pens, shaving

11:53

products, kayaks and windsurfers. Wow.

11:55

A good one, Dave. A

11:57

big kayak. That's...

12:00

Brilliant. That's great. Um,

12:02

I was victim of a scam

12:04

this week And

12:07

it's called a brushing scam I

12:09

was sent 20 packets

12:12

of cat food. I didn't order from

12:14

amazon And I

12:16

thought what's going on here? I thought it might be one of

12:18

those things where you buy a playstation and cat food turns up

12:21

and I realized I hadn't bought a playstation Uh

12:25

But you just get sent stuff you didn't

12:27

order because someone creates a fake account in

12:29

your name And then they leave reviews for

12:31

it under your name to

12:34

bump them up the old um charts

12:37

But so how are they? So

12:39

are they logging in as you then? No, they're

12:41

not logging in as me. So someone hacked your

12:44

amazon account Oh, I don't know. That's a good

12:46

point. I should probably change my password If someone's

12:48

reviewing stuff as you a do you want to

12:50

be the guy that loves cat food? I don't

12:52

know. Maybe you do. B. Have are they able

12:55

to ape john's unique writing style? Yeah Um,

12:58

but it's quite common. I've never heard of

13:00

this and it's usually cat food And

13:02

weirdly I saw this brand of cat food in a

13:05

friend's house I was like, why did you buy

13:07

that brand of cat food? And they said it had really good reviews

13:10

But it's obviously a really bad brand of cat

13:12

food. Oh, no Yeah, so yeah,

13:14

I should have brought you in the cat food. I can

13:16

actually eat wet food Yeah, mine does. Yeah, I should put

13:18

it in. I put it in um, and I mix them

13:20

guff I put it in the yeah food bank box Oh

13:25

The banging started again day the old

13:27

ghost of the record

13:29

hall He's been dead for 27 years

13:31

minutes So

13:34

we've got some construction work going on nearby

13:36

to the studio folks, which is v distracting

13:38

and they did say they would stop But

13:40

that doesn't seem to be Been

13:43

the case they were well a I don't think they'd have

13:45

been picked up So sorry, we're talking about something you might

13:47

not have heard then b They were

13:49

very tentative weren't they as if he knew he shouldn't be

13:51

doing it But he thought he'd just

13:53

get a couple more bangs on the old on the old

13:55

pipes in i've never seen a person a

13:58

banger pipe in a coquettish manner He

14:01

was a shy banger. The last

14:03

shy, coquettish bang of the ghost

14:05

of the record hall. Thank

14:08

you for your messages. The

14:10

chat about when

14:12

have you seen a boxer be kind has

14:16

sort of split off into

14:18

various boxing anecdotes. Which

14:20

I love, by the way. Which Ellis loves because

14:22

he's a fan of boxing, but this is from

14:24

Richard. Hey chaps, I've never been helped by a

14:26

boxer, but I've been held up by a professional

14:28

boxer and a heavyweight world champion at a

14:30

cash point outside a high street bank. Back

14:32

in the early 90s as a student in Norwich, I was

14:34

procuring the readies from the hole in the wall ahead of

14:37

a night out when I was approached from behind by a

14:39

gentleman and told, give me

14:41

all your money. I froze, turned around

14:43

tentatively to find the Pugilist Herbie Hyde

14:45

towering over me. With a big

14:47

grin on his face, he chortled, ha ha ha,

14:49

how'd you there mate? Much to the amusement of

14:52

his griefing cronies. I mumbled, yeah,

14:54

good one before getting on my way. I

14:57

often wonder whether faux cash machine holdups or regular

14:59

shtick of the two time WBO heavyweight champion,

15:01

or if I was singled out for

15:03

special attention. That's a

15:05

risky game to play. Yeah. Because

15:07

I would not know who Herbie Hyde was. But

15:10

also I don't know if the current world BO

15:13

boxer did

15:16

that to me. Alexander Youssick. Yeah, I would not know

15:18

who that, what that person looked like. You would know

15:20

Alexander Youssick? No. I reckon. Where

15:23

have you been? I might know him if

15:25

he was stood in his boxing clothes behind

15:27

a microphone next to Tyson Fury. Do

15:30

you know what it is though? I don't think

15:32

Herbie Hyde wanted to be recognised. I

15:34

think he just wanted to prank someone. I don't think he

15:36

was like, hello, it's me,

15:39

Herbie Hyde, WBO heavyweight champion.

15:42

I think he just wanted to make a

15:44

joke, say, give me all your money for

15:46

a student to panic and then turn around

15:48

and go, it's fine, don't worry about it.

15:50

Wow, that's not a very nice prank because

15:52

I'm guessing Herbie Hyde is built slightly thicker

15:54

set than your average student. Yeah,

15:57

yes, I'd like to know how much money he was taking out. night

16:00

out in the early 90s

16:03

and 20 quid max. Oh, you could do it

16:05

for 10. You could. If you

16:07

went to the right nights that have for

16:10

20 quid in my college bar in 2001, you could

16:13

kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah.

16:16

That would have bought you six bottles

16:18

of wine and you would

16:20

have two quids. You could get six

16:23

bottles of wine and a

16:25

pint of Tetley's and have changed for

16:27

20 quid. Yeah. That

16:30

is irresponsible. It was a mad cause you

16:32

can find 20 quid. It was

16:35

a mad time. And I

16:37

think the student experience has changed. Yes.

16:39

I don't think they do that anymore.

16:41

Well, I don't think the clubs can

16:43

be quite as overt about how cheap

16:45

their shots are anymore. Like you used

16:47

to get, get 17 shots for 79.

16:50

When I started going out in the 60s

16:52

and they used to do on certain nights, they used

16:54

to do triples for 50 pence. Yeah. Great times.

16:59

And then people would just fall into the river.

17:01

They, you know, they need to think about it that you,

17:03

the cost of, if you get a 10 or 12 quid

17:06

bottle of vodka, yeah, that's the price. Yeah.

17:11

And then you get a 10 or 12 quid bottle of vodka. And then you

17:14

get a 10 or 12 quid bottle of

17:17

vodka. Yeah. That's the price. You know, so supermarket

17:20

alcohol is still the price at which

17:26

we look back on as being really irresponsible.

17:28

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, uh,

17:31

yeah, I would, I want,

17:33

I mean, he won't have them, but I would

17:35

love details of Richard's early 90s night

17:37

out in Norwich as a student. A quick one from friend

17:39

of the show, Rob Warner, who you remember

17:43

came on to talk as one of our unsung heroes

17:45

about designing football kits. Oh yeah. Lovely

17:47

guy who I still keep in touch with because he lives just around the

17:49

corner from me. Yeah. He had a reverse version of that story where he

17:52

helped Tim Witherspoon. Oh my God. in

18:00

about 1985 or 86? Well he helped him

18:02

with the exchange rates at Manchester airport. Tim

18:06

thanked him by buying him brekkie at

18:08

Frankie and Benny's. Today! That's lovely. Um,

18:12

I mean if

18:14

you are changing your money at an

18:16

airport, you really, really got to have

18:18

a long hard looking mirror. That's a

18:21

mistake. But that's an error. It

18:23

was Tim Witherspoon. He had

18:25

money to earn. Who went to a

18:28

Wetherspoon's? Yeah?

18:31

Right, it's time now

18:34

to call a comedian. Wow,

19:00

that's good stuff. That's

19:11

the greatest jingle in the history of radio. I

19:13

mean we should have, we should have bigged that

19:16

up, but it was quite nice that we just

19:18

casually went into it. Can we release that? Uh,

19:21

get that to Christmas number one. Yeah,

19:24

no. Yes, I've read this. How long does the song

19:26

have to be to qualify as a single? Well,

19:28

Napalm Death. Because there is a maximum, it has to

19:31

be less than 10 minutes. Well

19:33

that's not 10 minutes. No, but does it have

19:35

to be more than 15 seconds? Napalm

19:38

Death released that track, didn't they? Which was like

19:40

seven seconds. They had like five second songs, yeah,

19:42

Napalm Death. Yeah. Not

19:44

sure. There's a very funny

19:46

anecdote inside of it. Lordy's the student, Mccorney

19:48

Booker, about him being in a mini bus

19:51

with Napalm Death for a week and then

19:53

eventually losing his track. You're idiots. Who were

19:55

you channeling there? Was it James Brown? Just,

19:58

just... all of

20:00

the great vocalists. All of them.

20:03

All of them. All

20:05

of the great vocalists sort of recorded

20:07

music to present from about 1900 onwards.

20:10

Bit of Otis Redding. Oh yeah. Sure. Yeah.

20:13

Little Richard. All of the greats.

20:18

Well, this is the part of the show where we get a

20:20

comedian, one of our top comedian

20:22

friends to solve the problem of

20:24

yours because comedians, can

20:26

I be so bold as to say they think outside the

20:29

box? Yeah. Can I be so

20:31

bold as to say they provide practical

20:33

solutions for a better Britain? Yes. Can

20:35

I be so bold as to say

20:37

they are not afraid to

20:39

view complex issues as scants?

20:42

Yeah. Well, you

20:44

know how, what's

20:47

the term for plurals? Like

20:51

a pride of lions. What's that? Oh,

20:55

what is it? You're sort of disproving

20:57

all of the great stuff. A

21:01

collective noun. Collective noun. Yeah.

21:04

It's a wisdom of comedians, isn't

21:06

it? It is a wisdom of

21:08

comedians. Yes. And on the line

21:11

we have dear friend and comedian

21:14

Matthew Crosby. Hello, Matthew. Hello.

21:16

I was screaming the phrase

21:19

collective noun. I was screaming

21:21

it in my head. I didn't know if this mic

21:23

was live. I didn't want to be suddenly, you know,

21:25

we hadn't introduced me, but of course it's collective noun.

21:27

Yeah. Hello guys. Well, you were a teacher, you were

21:29

an English teacher, weren't you Matthew? I

21:31

did a lot of screaming. That was very

21:33

much my, that was very much my MO.

21:35

What would it be? I didn't, I

21:38

had no authority in the classroom, so I just

21:40

had to be sort of loud and angry all

21:42

the time. Oh dear. What would

21:44

a collection of Crosby's be Matthew?

21:48

Oh, it's a was a

21:50

app of Crosby's. Yes,

21:54

please. Matthew,

21:56

how do we find you? How do you find yourself? Well,

22:00

you know, as always, I just pull back the covers and there

22:02

I am. Yeah. But yeah,

22:05

I'm OK today. I had

22:07

a tricky morning this morning trying to get

22:09

tickets for a concert that I didn't get

22:11

tickets for. Ah. And know when you're in

22:13

the queue and it says there are 5000

22:15

people ahead of you in this queue. Yes. You

22:18

think, I leave this queue. Do

22:20

I have enough self respect to leave? I

22:22

didn't leave the queue. How big is the venue? I

22:27

think the venue is about 6000. So

22:30

we're hoping that everybody ahead of me wants to buy

22:32

one single ticket. Yeah. What

22:34

was the gig? Chapel Rhone

22:36

at the Brixton Academy. She's just announced

22:38

two more dates and yeah,

22:41

I'm not going to either of them. Oh, sorry

22:43

to hear that. Hey, it's all right. You

22:45

know what? It's OK. Matthew, you were... I'm

22:48

not going to let it start my day.

22:50

You work on a cool, hip and happening

22:52

indie guitar rock radio station. Can't you just

22:54

pull some strings? Well, this is it. I

22:57

don't think I haven't sent those WhatsApps this

22:59

morning, but they're being very cagey. They're

23:02

being very cagey. You soon find out

23:04

you're standing within the hierarchy. Do

23:07

you know the tip, the line that you need

23:09

to get in one of those please when you're

23:11

after tickets? Always finish by saying,

23:14

I imagine they're like gold dust. So no worries

23:16

if you can't help, but if you can. It's

23:18

just that lovely little humble bit at the end,

23:20

which makes them go, do you know what? He's

23:23

not demanding them. He understands there will be demand.

23:25

Just a buffed up, no worries if not. It

23:27

is. It is. That's exactly what it

23:29

is. And then you can say,

23:31

I would just love to discuss it on

23:33

the show with Ed. Yes.

23:35

You know, and Ed's not going to be there. So

23:38

I will be driving the conversation, but I would love to discuss it.

23:40

We used to get tickets, to be able to get tickets to pretty

23:42

much anything, didn't we, Dave? Yeah, you could

23:45

do all right from it. What's the

23:47

venue, Crosby? Brixton Academy. Brixton Academy. Hmm,

23:49

what's the promoter? Live

23:51

Nation. Oh, come on.

23:54

Come on. Are you kidding me?

23:56

That's a little tight. 20

24:00

people are going to ring a live nation. This

24:03

is the reason I said yes to this. I knew

24:05

Dennis texted me about 40 minutes ago, just after I'd

24:07

come off the 5,000 person queue, I

24:09

thought, I know these guys will have it in.

24:13

I neither hear nor there about the feature I

24:15

heard. Half the jingle, it sounds great. But what

24:18

I want is tickets to one of the three

24:20

nights at Brixton Academy that Chapel Rhones could be

24:23

doing in September. I'll take a Thursday

24:25

night. That's where I am right now.

24:27

I will take a Thursday night. Childcare is

24:29

going to be a nightmare, but I will take a

24:31

Thursday night. Well, Matthew, you've got a dilemma to

24:33

solve, so I'm going to read it to you.

24:35

This is from Alice. Alice

24:38

says, I'm in a band, and we have a bit of a dilemma

24:40

about one of our members. Can I stop

24:42

the first of all? Is she in Chapel Rhones band? Yeah.

24:45

Because in which case, I'm really

24:47

invested. Yes. Well, this maybe

24:49

is your only option, is to actually

24:51

become part of, is it

24:53

Chapel Rhone? Chapel Rhone, yeah,

24:56

yeah. Alice goes on, we

24:58

have two guitarists, one of whom is not

25:00

quite as involved in practicing, learning songs, choosing

25:02

songs to cover, and creating originals. We're

25:04

thinking of continuing without them, but we're not sure how

25:06

to do this nicely as we all like the lad.

25:09

What's the nicest way to tell him that we're better without

25:11

him, or is it best to keep him in the band

25:13

and wait until they naturally leave? Right.

25:16

Right, thoughts. Well. Any

25:19

experiences of this kind of thing? First of all,

25:21

this is torn from the pages of my true

25:23

life. This is unbelievable.

25:26

Because yeah, I was in

25:28

a sketch team, and we had the

25:30

very same dilemma about one of our members.

25:33

And I think the

25:35

idea of, I mean, the

25:37

final sentence, Alice, that

25:41

technique has never, ever

25:43

worked. Well, it has worked, it might take 18

25:45

years. Well, this is

25:47

it, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit like, you

25:50

know, kind of every

25:52

time I was in a relationship I didn't want

25:54

to be in, I thought I'd just behave in

25:56

such a way that makes it clear I'm not

25:58

interested anymore. You know. and

26:00

then eventually they'll leave. And what I know, just all

26:02

that happens is they get more and more upset and

26:04

you feel like worse and worse of a person. So

26:06

we would we'll ditch that straight away. Now, what we

26:09

did in this instance is we just we

26:11

just basically took them to a public,

26:14

a very public place. Trafalgar

26:16

Square, wasn't it? It was

26:19

Trafalgar Square. That's right. It was on top

26:21

of the top of the lion. It

26:25

was it was the fourth plinth for a while.

26:28

That's what you know, they they offered it

26:30

to people for a little art installation. We

26:32

said, listen, we've got great news. We're

26:35

going to be the fourth plinth for a month. So.

26:39

And then the first thing we did was push them off, kick

26:42

away the stepladder. Yeah,

26:44

no, we took them to we took them

26:46

to the Chandos right by Trafalgar Square and

26:48

and said, look, this is this is not

26:50

working out. That's that

26:53

is that is the sort of correct way

26:55

to do it. But

26:57

you know, you could have a bit more

27:00

fun with it. Because if you think right, here's

27:02

the thing I think of like when I think of this,

27:04

I think the two different bands. Firstly, I think of the

27:06

Manatee Preachers because obviously

27:09

they had they had Richie, who was

27:11

famously not a talented musician. So they

27:13

had him on stage to

27:15

like not have his guitar plugged in. Ignore

27:17

the fact that he wrote most of the lyrics.

27:19

And he was their minister of propaganda as well.

27:21

Lyrisis, the minister of propaganda. Could you could you

27:24

cool up this member? Could

27:27

you make them because like everybody looks to

27:29

Richie as the cool member of the Manatee Preachers. Right.

27:31

Could you take this? Could

27:34

you take this this this sort of no mark and

27:36

give them a bit of a she's all that, you

27:38

know, give them a bit of a makeover, a

27:41

glow up exactly. That's what they're saying these days, isn't it? She's

27:43

all that being a reference. Some kind of

27:45

USP that that person brings to the band. Yes.

27:50

So like I think that's the thing. Yes,

27:53

so like I don't know. We're the

27:55

band who are always covered

27:58

in slime. juggling or

28:00

juggling that memory like slimy

28:03

juggler. Do you want to be a

28:05

slimy juggler? Exactly. If

28:09

you don't like your name but

28:11

you've got a better name you

28:13

could always all leave the band and

28:16

then restart the band with all of the

28:18

existing members apart from this bloke. This

28:22

is the Dinosaur Junior technique that's the other band I

28:24

was thinking of because they didn't like I mean he's

28:26

back in the band now Lubalo but they broke up

28:29

the band. I think they broke

28:31

up the band and renamed

28:33

it Dinosaur Junior JNR

28:35

as opposed to Dinosaur Junior the whole

28:37

word junior which is pretty slim isn't

28:39

it you know that's got that's got

28:41

Pappy's Fun Club drop the fun club

28:43

written all over. But

28:48

yeah you could also you could also do

28:50

that you know disband the band and reform

28:52

out of the ashes with with brand new

28:54

members. Yeah and also the thing with that

28:56

is you can if you disband

28:58

the band you just say right this isn't working for

29:01

any of us we're breaking up then you can spend

29:03

the like the next six months rehearsing without

29:06

them knowing. Yeah and they

29:08

might not even know under a different name if

29:10

they even if they saw it in the listings

29:13

you know if your name is uh

29:15

you know Spice Society. The

29:18

Spice Society. And you and then six months

29:20

later there's a gig in your local pub

29:22

from the the slimy juggler. Unless

29:26

that person is going to check out that

29:28

bass and even then you could wear mustaches.

29:32

This is advice that comes from

29:35

three men who don't like conflict.

29:37

Oh absolutely hate

29:39

it absolutely hate it. I will

29:41

I will say that just you know after

29:43

the the the fourth member of Pappy's walked

29:45

out of that pub I

29:48

immediately turned to one of the

29:50

other two I think it was

29:52

Ben uh put my head in

29:54

his shoulder and burst into tears

29:56

uncontrollable sobbing. It's it remains one of

29:58

the worst things I've ever had to do. That's

30:00

why I'm saying make them the cool member. I

30:02

feel like that's what we should have done, you

30:04

know, you add Various accoutrements

30:07

to them you buckaroo them up with

30:09

various cool things Right,

30:11

you know you get them those The

30:14

the crocs with the stuff stuck into them

30:18

Or you give them the boot and you

30:21

and you each earn an extra eight point

30:23

three recurring percent Look

30:25

at it from a financial point of view. Yeah. Yeah Absolutely.

30:28

The Mannix did a festival when Richard

30:30

was still in the band and

30:33

the Sound tech

30:35

or the Rordies assumed who were there for the

30:38

festival seemed that Richard with the lead guitarist because

30:40

he wasn't singing and Turned him up and turned

30:42

James down and it was oh no Well,

30:47

thank you so much for being our comedian

30:49

this week Matthew We wish you well in

30:51

all of your endeavors and we will see

30:53

you very soon I'll

30:56

see you very soon. Thanks so much guys

30:58

and was up to you all If

31:03

you if you have a dilemma for

31:05

a comedian salt send it to Ellison

31:07

John at BBC dotco.uk

31:11

But it's time just to find out what we were checking

31:13

about with Adrian a bit How

31:17

are you fellows very good how are you there Adrian

31:21

Are you glad you're not in the

31:23

time not in this tournament? No, it

31:26

makes me just enjoying the English just

31:28

beating themselves no, I've I Struggled

31:32

to sleep every night because I'm just missing

31:34

out on a tournament in the

31:36

best host country on earth I

31:38

think this must be the best place on We've

31:42

just sucked Rob page actually because we failed to get to the

31:44

2024. How do you feel about that? Um

31:48

in the spirits of BBC balance

31:50

glad Okay,

31:53

I'm just you don't know who's

31:55

next nothing the last time we sacked

31:58

a manager we replaced him with Bobby Gould Could

32:00

be you. That's what Izzy said.

32:02

Could be you. But Izzy actually did

32:05

wonder if it could be me and I

32:07

had to say no, I've no, I don't

32:09

even have my C license. Your entire tactical

32:12

plan would have to be relayed

32:14

through sort of a podcast-style banter.

32:20

You'd have to do all of the team

32:22

talks and training via Zoom. Yeah, yeah. And

32:24

you would be taking a phenomenal pay cut.

32:29

And after a rough time, I'd have to get them in and listen to

32:31

one of my mini parts. Yeah.

32:33

And you'd have to get them all

32:36

drunk and sit in a comedy club.

32:38

And then you, you get

32:40

your team talk across in

32:42

the form of a stand-up routine. Yes. Yeah,

32:44

yeah. I mean, it hasn't been

32:47

tried. And they could heckle you

32:49

if they didn't like your tactical plan. Yeah. I mean,

32:51

I don't see, I don't see why not. I

32:53

just think that to be honest, I

32:57

reckon first game, there'd be a little bit of beginner's

32:59

luck. And

33:01

then when they'd be so starstruck. Yeah.

33:04

And then when I was having to

33:06

make in-game changes to my tactics and

33:08

shape, that's when I would start to

33:10

struggle atry. How long before the boo

33:12

boys turned against you? I mean, they'd

33:14

be an element from the very beginning.

33:17

Wouldn't they? You'd be the first ever

33:19

tops off manager. Because

33:22

there's quite a lot of, you

33:24

know, when a manager first comes out, like what are

33:26

they wearing? What's their style? Yeah. And this would be

33:29

top off. Yeah. And the problem is

33:31

I can, it would look all right for a minute

33:33

as I was concentrating, but then I would let it

33:35

all hang out. Just with a

33:37

thin sheen of baby oil. Just

33:40

to make you glisten under the

33:42

floodlights. Oh,

33:44

those European aways. Sorry, Adrian.

33:46

I don't know if you can hear that.

33:48

We've got some banging going on in our

33:50

studio. No, really? Yeah, because it's, it's a

33:52

real. A contributor trying to get out. It's

33:54

a mixed bag here at the studio outside

33:57

of the BBC, because you can't control what's

33:59

going on. in the rooms around you, but you

34:01

can vape. Yeah. So

34:04

by mixed bag, John, what John is saying there

34:07

is that he prefers it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much,

34:09

much, much. What are you talking about today?

34:12

Oh, well, we are going to be talking about why

34:15

I drank two and a half kilos of coffee

34:17

to prove a point. We've

34:19

got a special new correspondent in

34:22

one Betty James Ellis

34:24

is very talented daughter who writes

34:26

a weekly can someone get

34:28

stopped? Right now, no,

34:30

because it's not from this room, annoyingly, John. So it

34:32

is very distracting. We'll get

34:34

it done for the recording that I would be

34:36

able to talk to Adrian as there was banging

34:39

in the corner, but I actually can't I like

34:41

it. It mixes things up a bit. It just

34:43

have them some banging going on off sort

34:46

of off my it's very real. Well,

34:48

what do you talk about? So Ellis's

34:50

daughter writes an excoriating newsletter

34:53

in the household telling tales of

34:55

Ellis's failure and weak mindedness. Yeah,

34:57

it's called the Sunday Scramble. And

35:00

she hammers me every week. Yeah,

35:03

she's like sort of, she

35:05

could be an assistant coach when you get the

35:07

whales job. She'd be on

35:09

the job of a cup routine. Yeah, you could be

35:12

the arm around the shoulder and she could she could

35:14

give them what for anyway, sorry, she just doesn't think

35:16

I'm good enough. And that's fine.

35:19

But she uses 1000 word opinion pieces

35:21

in her own newspaper to get

35:23

to communicate this message. We play a

35:25

made up game about Glastonbury for an

35:28

attempt to cross radio pollination that didn't

35:30

happen. Dave said, we got to talk

35:32

about Glastonbury because it's big on

35:34

BBC and they're going to be talking

35:37

about it on other shows. So

35:39

we asked the other show that we were going

35:41

to plug to provide us with some stuff and

35:44

they didn't bother. So we didn't mention them and

35:46

we just played the game. Does Glastonbury even happened?

35:49

Next weekend. Next week. Good stuff. Try

35:52

and be excited about it. It's the BBC's jewel

35:54

in the crown. It's nothing to do with a

35:56

BBC. Yeah, it is. They've got

35:58

the rights. They don't own it. But it's

36:00

the... That's the Glastonbury

36:02

production team with a hammer outside the studio.

36:05

It's like Wimbledon, to attacking

36:07

you, I think. The, like,

36:09

Wimbledon, but with less strict

36:12

doping policies. Yes. Allegedly.

36:15

Have a... Have

36:18

a... Have a... Have a marvellous show. Thank

36:22

you. Has the banking stopped? It has. Maybe

36:25

he hates you. Thanks.

36:31

Let's move on. Thank you very much. Thank

36:33

you, Adrian. And Alison John, just coming up

36:36

to 2521. Let's get the news and sport.

36:46

There we go. What a lovely chat with

36:48

Dear Adrian. The still point in our turning

36:50

world. And we're

36:52

going to turn now to, I think it's

36:55

safe to say, our new favourite feature, which

36:57

is Dads are Mad. My

37:01

dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying

37:03

pan, kept the instructions

37:05

and stuck them on the wall next

37:07

to it. Actual real wooden clogs. And

37:11

set about eating what must have been north

37:13

of 24 egg canopays. He

37:16

then proceeded to empty 40 litres

37:18

or so. Onto

37:20

the timber and strike a match.

37:22

Dads are mad. Dads are mad.

37:25

Dads are mad. Alice,

37:30

Dads all around this country are Coco LaMocco. Yeah,

37:33

they're quaking in their boots. They're quaking in their

37:35

boots. Mad Dad's

37:37

desperate trying to clean up their

37:39

act, but we are uncovering their craziness. What

37:41

have you got for me? John, I've got a belter.

37:44

Yeah. Now, I see this pretty much every week,

37:46

but I mean it this time. This

37:48

gets to the heart of Mad Dad's. It's

37:53

I mean, I'm plugged into the mainframe of

37:55

madness, right? is

38:00

superb. Hello! I'm a

38:02

relatively new listener and enjoying the show.

38:04

Here is a mad dad, well father-in-law

38:07

story I offer to you. My father-in-law,

38:09

let's call him Harry as that's his

38:11

name, is Scottish and let's just say

38:13

he has simple tastes in food. I'm

38:16

already recognising this. He knows

38:18

what he likes, which is not much. This

38:20

has always made family meals out a bit of a

38:22

challenge as you need to find a venue that has

38:24

a full menu, an adult menu that feels like an

38:26

extension of the kids menu. Watching

38:28

his abject terrors, he pops on his reading

38:30

glasses and scans a menu as a sight

38:32

to behold on an image I will take

38:34

to the grave. So Harry

38:36

knows what he likes and he likes what he

38:38

knows. So

38:40

when my wife and I were visiting Pit Locker in

38:42

the Highlands, we decided to invite Harry and his wife

38:45

Helen to meet us for a meal. We

38:47

were well versed by this stage in selecting a venue

38:49

that felt like it had a balance between nice food

38:51

but also things that Harry might want to eat. When

38:55

the day arrived, we met at the venue and

38:58

I immediately noticed that Harry was giving off a

39:00

different vibe to usual. His long

39:02

swigs on his pint of tenants displayed a

39:04

confidence I was not used to seeing in

39:06

a setting where food was being served. When

39:09

the young waiter offered us menus, Harry just

39:11

smiled and gave a little shake of his head as if

39:13

to say, I'm all good here. I

39:17

caught his eye as he quickly checked to see if I was

39:19

watching. I immediately felt nervous excitement

39:21

as I could see we could be

39:24

in for something special here. My

39:26

wife and mother-in-law were chatting away which left me

39:28

to immerse myself in what was going to happen.

39:31

The waiter duly returned a while later

39:33

to take the order and once again

39:35

Harry was a picture of relaxation and

39:37

contentment. He was like the proverbial

39:39

cat that got the cream. I bet you Harry

39:41

doesn't like cream. The waiter barely finished

39:43

asking if he could take the order and Harry

39:45

stayed confidently. I'll have the

39:48

gammon son. I

39:50

immediately knew that Gammon was not on offer.

39:53

Over the years I'd grown accustomed to familiarising myself

39:55

with the menus I tried to predict how Harry

39:57

would play it. I saw

39:59

other diners He's scanning the menu and hearing

40:01

the Garmin by Bepford Crabs. For

40:04

a few seconds you could hear the word,

40:06

Garmin, Garmin, Garmin. That's your Garmin, it's

40:08

a camera on the way. Being matted excitedly in

40:10

a few others, looking around for a specials board

40:12

and looking over to high for guidance. The

40:15

young waiter asked Harry to repeat his order with

40:17

clear panic building as he was confronted with the

40:19

situation he'd not been trained for. The

40:22

Garmin son, Harry repeated confidently.

40:25

I'm sorry, sorry, don't have any Garmin. The waiter

40:27

counted. I

40:30

do, son. Had a challenge with

40:32

his confidence already evaporating. I'm

40:34

sorry, sir, we don't have Garmin on the menu. Never

40:36

have done the waiter emphasise, but I know you do,

40:38

I saw it! Harry

40:41

almost pleaded. Other diners had

40:43

by now stopped what they were doing and watched

40:45

this stand-off play out. I decided to

40:47

try and help get a resolution, find out where the

40:49

confusion had come from. I asked

40:51

Harry why he thought Garmin was an option

40:54

and he responded barely audibly that he

40:56

had decided to drive on his own

40:58

to Pitlockry the previous weekend to check

41:00

the menu of the venue to choose

41:02

his meal. Ha ha ha ha! This

41:06

is a round trip of

41:08

around 10 miles. He

41:11

kept gesturing outside the venue where he mentioned

41:13

the menu and I immediately realised he was

41:16

referring to the menu attached to the front

41:18

of the pub next door. That

41:20

is extraordinary. Oh, it's heartbreaking. Matt's dad doing

41:22

it. It's heartbreaking. So not only had Harry

41:25

decided to drive over 100 miles to select

41:27

his dinner, he had then chosen an option

41:29

from a menu from a different venue. I

41:33

pushed my menu across the table to him and

41:35

he silently popped on as reading glasses, I asked

41:37

the waiter if we could have a few minutes.

41:39

Thanks, Paul. Paul, thank you so

41:42

much for sending that in. That is

41:44

pure insanity. Do you know what it is

41:46

as well? It's classic Mad Dad because

41:48

he could have Googled it. Oh, yeah. But Mad Dads

41:50

don't like the internet because they don't trust it. They

41:53

don't trust it. And it will change. They don't want

41:55

to be Googling stuff. They want to be driving there.

41:57

I mean, also, the sort of the thing about that

41:59

kind. Books

1:10:02

on Wales tasty ales Swansie

1:10:05

kits rare queen hits It's

1:10:09

time to open Post Post Post

1:10:13

It's what we love the most Rip

1:10:16

them open What

1:10:19

emotion It's fun to

1:10:21

open Post and letters Post

1:10:24

for me Post for you Post

1:10:28

for one Post for two It's

1:10:31

Postman Dave's Big Sack of Post Big Sack of

1:10:33

Post Why are we in a

1:10:35

band? That's the acapella version there and

1:10:38

there's a touch of Morrissey just as we're

1:10:40

trying to go up the higher range There

1:10:42

is Pastels

1:10:45

big, pastels small I've never heard

1:10:47

that version It's like when in

1:10:49

the supersonic documentary you hear Liam

1:10:52

doing I think it's Champagne Supernova

1:10:54

and it's beautiful and

1:10:56

that's similar I heard of a

1:11:00

very uni vision of Columbia that they've

1:11:02

always just released and his vocals were

1:11:04

so different when he was 22 and

1:11:07

I'm 13 years on the focus I saw them

1:11:10

last Saturday night They're not bad Do you know

1:11:12

Queen have sold the back catalogue to Sony? Oh,

1:11:15

I think you mentioned 100 quid $1.27

1:11:18

billion I

1:11:21

always think about Deeks in these situations How

1:11:23

much is Deeks getting at that? Well,

1:11:25

180 million I'll

1:11:28

take that Yeah, that's great Staying at home for

1:11:31

25 years smoking fags He is a smoker, isn't

1:11:33

he? Well, Daily Mail published a photo of him

1:11:35

smoking a fag Yeah, that's all right Which

1:11:38

I think is a bit cruel Yeah, he wants to be

1:11:40

left alone Leave him alone Anyway,

1:11:44

yes, we do have a gift in the post

1:11:46

bag and there's an accompanying email Good afternoon, Alison

1:11:48

John In February last year, I took leave from

1:11:50

the job I hate due to mental health issues

1:11:52

I'm sugarcoating, I had a breakdown In

1:11:55

the months and years which followed, I've slowly started rebuilding

1:11:57

with the unwavering support of my wife, Michaela