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and subscribe wherever you get your

1:00

podcasts. Hello.

1:40

Thank you very much for downloading the Ellis

1:43

James and John Robbins podcast. I've

1:45

got that produced the tape to my left. John,

1:47

the real talent behind the operation in front

1:49

of me. I've

1:52

had a big week. Have you?

1:54

Yeah. I'm not sleeping. No, I

1:57

didn't. Although I did. I

2:00

thought, imagine if I just started now.

2:03

It'd be quite an odd move at 43, wouldn't it?

2:06

To go, I'm gonna get into that scene. What sort

2:09

of mods and coils are you gonna be using? What

2:11

sort of vape juice? How expensive is it? PG or

2:13

PG? I would want it to smell like mango. Would

2:15

you? Or blueberry. Well, that's

2:17

doable, that's doable. How expensive is it? Obviously

2:22

less expensive than normal cigarettes. I'd say

2:25

a decent setup is gonna cost

2:27

you 60 quid. And

2:30

then that lasts you forever. And then

2:33

the replacement bits, you're probably looking about

2:35

40 quid a month. Ooh. Depending

2:38

on how much you use it, I mean I-

2:40

That's an off peak gym subscription, Jon. I actually

2:42

vape more than I breathe. So

2:44

I'm getting through things at a rate of knots.

2:47

As you can tell, I reckon my voice is gonna finally go by

2:49

the time I'm 50. So I

2:51

think we- Eight years left. Yeah, we've really gotta

2:53

get negotiating higher fees because I'm not gonna be

2:56

able to work. What happens in eight years time,

2:58

Jon? My vocal

3:00

chords, my throat, and my neck were just disintegrate.

3:03

And I'll just have a head on my shoulder. But you sound

3:05

like Joe Biden. Just a

3:07

little whisper. That would be

3:09

sad. Maybe that's what happened to him, he's been

3:11

vaping too much. I

3:14

wish I could say that's what it was. I don't think it

3:16

is the E-cigs. I don't think it is. There is a bit

3:18

of me, and I've said this to

3:21

Hannah, that thinks you'll be the replacement for

3:23

the Democratic nomination. I think the American public

3:25

are ready for Dave Musterman. I reckon I

3:27

could give it a good shot. Obviously

3:30

you weren't born in the US, that's gonna be a problem.

3:32

So you're gonna have to fake your birth certificate. I could

3:34

do the accent. Can

3:36

you now? Howdy-all! What's

3:40

your handicap, Dave? Hey. Golf-wise.

3:42

Golf? That seems to be playing

3:44

quite a big part in the American election. Well, what if you

3:46

just, what if you're that bad that, I mean,

3:48

how high does it go? So

3:51

I'm 54, Jon. That's not good.

3:53

No. It's 50, so

3:55

for me, someone has only ever held a golf

3:57

club once. Yeah. And what a day. And

4:00

that was to get rid of an intruder. Yeah. But I

4:02

have a, I have a handicap of 54. Do I? No.

4:05

Right. What do I have? No, you don't

4:08

have a general handicap. You don't have a

4:10

golf handicap. Oh, okay.

4:12

You have to submit three 18 and

4:14

whole scores to get a

4:16

handicap. Right. Oh, right. Oh, right. And if

4:18

you were higher than 50 is capped at

4:20

54. Okay. So if I'm higher at 54, they just

4:23

tell me to get lost. No, they

4:25

would just put you at 54. Oh, okay. So if you would,

4:28

if you wanted to sign up to

4:30

a half decent club and

4:32

they do, they ask, do they say, what's your handicap?

4:34

And if it's rubbish, might they say, well, you can't

4:37

join because we need a standard of golf at this

4:39

club, please. I

4:41

have heard tell of that sort

4:43

of shenanigans. Some courses you can

4:45

only play if you're under a

4:47

certain handicap. Yeah. But I

4:50

don't know of any clubs that have a

4:52

handicap limit, but I'm sure there are some.

4:54

Yeah. What's

4:57

your handicap again? 14. Yeah. I

4:59

think that's one of the things that's most attractive about

5:02

you. It's

5:04

potentially the only thing. It's

5:06

your great achievement. It is my great achievement.

5:08

I'm playing golf on Sunday. In fact, with

5:10

Tom Rosenthal. Oh, and my friend Philip. Oh,

5:13

lovely. Yeah. Oh, that's going to be

5:15

good. I, uh, thanks to the

5:19

uh, listener who asked the piano tutorial

5:21

person in LA to, um, come up

5:23

with a piano tutorial for the Gorges

5:26

I got it monkey song, miss Trudy,

5:28

which I've now learned. I've

5:30

now learned another couple. I

5:32

am considering jacking it all in and

5:34

becoming a Gorges I got it monkey

5:37

tribute act. Oh, nice.

5:39

And the lovely Robin is in the band.

5:41

Yeah. Great. The lovely Rodry, the lovely Rodry

5:43

Viney who XFM and radio X listeners will

5:45

remember. So I recommend his music all the

5:48

time. He's in the band. I need a

5:50

drummer. You need a drummer. Hello. Oh, of

5:53

course. I can't believe that that penny

5:55

didn't even draw because you did. He

5:58

said he needed a drummer, not somebody who bought a drum kit. like.

8:00

Which one? The one that I take a picture of

8:02

every night and say, try this flavor and you go,

8:04

of course, have fries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, it's

8:06

just, it's quite a well-known hot one. Have

8:08

you ever tried mixing that with mayonnaise? It's

8:11

a, it's a lovely, because you kind of

8:13

get the heat, but then you also get

8:15

the coolness. I'm not a mayonnaise guy. Well,

8:17

I'm not John. I mix it with soy

8:19

sauce and, uh, rice wine

8:21

vinegar for a beautiful dip. Okay. Or

8:23

to put on fried rice. Um,

8:26

I mix it with, um, that's your great

8:28

achievement. That's one of my great achievements. Um,

8:30

I mix it with, you know, I just

8:32

mix it with soy sauce. I think I've

8:34

mixed it with ketchup for, I not your

8:36

guy for mayo Dave. No, but yes. And

8:38

what I'm saying is, he's not Belgian, is

8:40

he? I'm not Belgian, but you're not eating

8:42

mayo once you've mixed it with the hot

8:44

sauce. Yeah. You're eating heaven. It's

8:47

a different, yeah. You're eating heaven on a

8:49

plate or a drum

8:51

kit. I think I find mayo

8:53

quite gross. What about

8:55

salad cream? Love salad cream. No.

8:58

Hello. Um, anyway, why have you had a big week?

9:01

I haven't. I just wanted to

9:03

say it started. So you've

9:05

not, you've not had a big week, not

9:07

a particularly big week, an awful lot of

9:10

audio. I was on five live twice yesterday.

9:12

Oh, controversy is they thought you hadn't said

9:14

banger and you had said banger. I had

9:16

just said banger very quietly because I suffer

9:19

from Welschman's confidence. Yeah. Rick Edwards

9:21

was too hard on me. And I think it went

9:23

to VAR. I think Chris Warburton and Ellie Aldroy discussed

9:25

it today. Uh, and

9:27

then I was on Adrian Charles show because he

9:30

was coming live from, uh, Ammonford, which isn't far

9:32

from where I grew up. Um,

9:35

yeah. Um, so

9:38

I, you know, it's been very audio heavy,

9:40

but I think we should get into some

9:43

correspondence because we've had a tremendous,

9:45

uh, batch of emails. What have you got,

9:47

John? Well, we've got some WhatsApps as well.

9:49

And we've got to, well, we got a

9:51

new WhatsApp jingle, haven't we, Dave? Yeah, we

9:53

have. And listen, I don't band around the

9:56

phrase purple patch willy nilly. You know, I

9:58

don't, but we really are enjoying purple patch

10:00

of correspondence at the moment. It's

10:02

good stuff. So keep it coming. We're

10:04

very much enjoying what we're getting both

10:06

from audio form and email form. But

10:08

I think we've got a WhatsApp jingle

10:10

that we can... We have, this is

10:12

from Dicky. And Dicky says, dear Ellis,

10:15

John and Dave, we're the Lancashire Hot

10:17

Pots, a musical comedy ensemble from the

10:19

Northwest of England. Our lead

10:21

singer Bernard recently submitted the made up

10:23

games, Live and Let Dice. Oh,

10:26

great. It's proved a little bit too tricky. That was

10:28

a hot pot. It was one of the hot pots.

10:32

Amazed, amazed at that. Which proved a

10:34

little too tricky to play effectively. Sorry,

10:36

John. As a way of an apology, please

10:39

find attached a WhatsApp jingle we've recorded for

10:41

you. All the best, Dicky. Here's the Lancashire

10:43

Hot Pots. If

10:45

you want a WhatsApp, bell is in John. Here's

10:47

the number you need to start the phone. It's

10:49

all 79742 93022 93022. Wow.

11:00

I love your life guys. How do

11:02

they play in Yorkshire? What

11:05

do you mean? Well, because obviously there's historic

11:07

rivalry between Lancashire and Yorkshire.

11:09

They're called the Lancashire Hot Pots. Well,

11:11

they probably don't play in Yorkshire. Do

11:14

they gig in Leeds? In Hull?

11:16

I don't know. In Oakley? I don't

11:18

know. Heberton Bridge? I

11:21

was, cause like, I love Chas and Dave. I know

11:23

Chas and Dave, they certainly play at Swans in Cardiff.

11:25

How did Chas and Dave do up North, Dave? As

11:28

though a Northern concept? I suppose it's

11:30

the... I think you're probably assuming the

11:32

Lancashire Hot Pots have a sort of

11:34

more varied touring schedule than most local

11:37

musical comedy groups. Yeah, maybe they just

11:39

stick to Lancashire. There's a sort of

11:43

Mike Reed vibe to the jingle.

11:46

What was it called? His song he did

11:48

at the UK thing. Something

11:50

Calypso. I know what something to do

11:53

with it. But it doesn't matter, does

11:55

it, in an election period? What

11:58

doesn't matter? Just whatever he... did there at

12:00

the, I think we can discuss, you're allowed

12:02

to reference the past. Yeah. Yeah. I just

12:04

don't know. I don't know where you're going

12:06

with it. It was an election a long

12:09

time ago and it is a very funny

12:11

song, but because of

12:13

the unique way is funded because the unique

12:15

way the BBC is funded, you can't go

12:17

back in time and vote at the 2010

12:20

election for UKIP. So I think we're all right.

12:22

Yeah. And also, um, I'm not

12:24

saying that the Lancashire hotpots

12:26

share any political allegiance with

12:28

Mike Reed. They're neutral, but

12:30

they do have similar musical

12:32

jumping off points. Yeah. Yeah.

12:34

The Lancashire hotpots are a

12:36

completely impartial musical group. Politically.

12:40

But I loved it. You don't know where they sound. I loved

12:42

it as well. I'd like to know more. Basically

12:45

what I'm angry for is more Intel

12:47

onto the life of the Lancashire hotpots.

12:49

I want to know where they're gigging,

12:51

how often they're gigging, often they rehearse,

12:53

who's writing the songs, production values on

12:55

that production values. But I want to

12:57

know more. I also want to start

12:59

a new email thread because dad's a

13:01

mad obviously became a feature. The kindness

13:03

of box says I think he's going

13:05

to become a feature because we've had

13:08

loads of emails in on this, but

13:10

this is right up my alley. It's a

13:12

deep dive into the economics of a night out

13:14

in Norwich in the nineties. Hi,

13:16

Ellis, John and Dave very much enjoyed your talk

13:19

of student life in Norwich in the 1990s. I

13:21

was wondering what the privilege of living my best

13:23

life while studying economics there from 1994 to

13:26

1997. I wanted to fill you in

13:28

on the precise economics of the time.

13:32

Best bitter or Carlsberg were a pound of pint

13:34

in the union. If you were past, you drank Stella

13:36

at 1.50. But

13:38

it was only my mate Dom who was from Tunbridge and shopped

13:40

at next. Three

13:45

pound for a carpenter town to 75 P

13:47

each to go clubbing pound, entry student

13:50

nights. One pound entry

13:52

student nights, 10 quid would easily

13:54

either sort you out for a night in the

13:56

pub or a curry and a couple of pints

13:58

with change. Mind you some things are more expensive.

14:00

expensive. My mate offered me a ticket to

14:02

Radiohead for four quid, but I said no because I

14:04

only knew two of their songs and that was Four

14:06

Whole Pints. They had just

14:08

released the bends. Oh no. Finally,

14:11

Herbie Hyde was kind of a big

14:13

deal in orange at the time. Think

14:15

Karen Coleman, Coleman Mustard. Sorry. Think Karen

14:17

Coleman, Coleman's Mustard Coleman famous. There is

14:20

no way he was going about, I

14:22

mean a quiet night popping out and

14:24

about in the fine city leather show,

14:26

Jonathan. I am so fascinated by what

14:28

things cost in the past. So if

14:30

you had a night out at any point

14:32

1940 to 2024 and you

14:35

remember the prices, let me know.

14:37

Because my dad's always going on about how when he was

14:39

a youngster, he could go up for a night out for

14:42

a quid and have change, one

14:45

pound. Yeah, but inflation

14:48

is an issue here. Of course it

14:50

is. Of course it is. I'm

14:52

interested in inflation. That's the thing. I'm not

14:55

saying we should get those days

14:57

back. You can't do it. But even if you did, it

14:59

would sort of relatively be more

15:01

similar to today's prices. Of

15:03

course. Yeah. Unless you could take the contents

15:05

of your bank account back in time with

15:08

you and not have it be affected by

15:10

inflation. I'm interested in inflation. This is an

15:12

inflation based feature, Jon. Also

15:15

the sort of kindness of boxers has stretched

15:17

into when have you met a boxer, which

15:19

is too broad a remit. I don't mind

15:21

it though. I know because you like boxing.

15:24

Yes. So

15:26

I think we should probably stick

15:28

to kindness of boxers. Okay.

15:31

You just want to, you just like reading

15:33

stories about boxers. I do like reading entertaining

15:35

stories about boxers. I will always read. But

15:38

because Jon is the kindest broadcaster to

15:40

come up to Thornbury ever, he

15:42

wants to keep it as the kindness of

15:45

boxes. Oh, we have a great example from

15:47

James morning guys. Apologies. We had

15:49

a few episodes down the line by wanting

15:51

to contribute to the above and reiterate the

15:53

kindness of a previously mentioned boxer. The boxing

15:55

question is John Comte. I said at this

15:58

point that I love the fact is so

16:00

nice. him is spelt in a stop Fordian

16:02

accent. Young concert. After his

16:04

recent mention on the podcast, due to

16:06

his mechanical prowess in the local area. My

16:09

interaction with the former WBC Light Heavyweight champion is

16:11

back to 2015. My father

16:13

had unfortunately suffered from stroke mere weeks after

16:16

his 60th birthday and was on his long

16:18

road to recovery in the months that followed.

16:21

As he was unable to work, my mother and

16:23

I were invited to his company's end of year

16:26

award ceremony at St. George's Park, home of the

16:28

National Football Team to represent him and touch base

16:30

with all of his colleagues who were understandably concerned

16:32

about his health and interested in his recovery. The

16:35

guest speaker at the award ceremony was none

16:37

other than Mr. Conti. My

16:39

father's health situation was discussed as part of

16:41

the evening. My mother and I were pointed

16:43

out as his representatives for the evening, but

16:45

we thought nothing more of it. Mr.

16:48

Conti entertained the crowd later with

16:50

a classic after dinner set of

16:52

anecdotes. I reckon he's got

16:54

some absolute belters in his back pocket. And

16:57

that after dinner set has been honed after

16:59

years on the circuit. And it's just punch

17:01

line after punch line. The

17:04

main event was wrapped up shortly afterwards with time

17:06

for drinks and mingling going into the small hours.

17:08

A few people stopped to chat to check in with us,

17:11

but it was none other than Mr. Conti himself who made

17:13

a beeline for my mother and I. After

17:15

hearing my father's plight, he was keen to talk

17:17

to us, offer his support, and basically make us

17:19

feel better, which he did with a plum and

17:21

a certain panache. There were several

17:24

people hovering around waiting to speak to him, but

17:26

he stayed chatting to us for ages and was

17:28

a consumer professional and was a very sympathetic ear.

17:31

Luckily, my father recovered over the coming months and years

17:33

and was glad to hear of the act of kindness

17:35

during that evening with John. Years

17:37

later, my father was clearing out his record collection,

17:39

and after expressing an interest in it, he gifted

17:42

me his original copy of Band on the Run

17:44

by Paul McCartney and Wings, knowing I was about

17:46

to see Macca at Glastonbury 2022. While

17:50

listening to the album a few weeks later,

17:52

I noticed a familiar face on the front

17:54

cover. I had to double check, but it

17:57

was indeed John Conti alongside Parkinson, Christopher Lee,

17:59

amongst others. Not only was he keen

18:01

to have a nice long chat with us during a

18:03

time of real struggle, but he is mates with fellow

18:05

liver puddly and Sir Paul. I've

18:07

shaken a hand that has more than

18:09

certainly shaken the hand that wrote Let

18:11

It Be. Good egg. Keep up the

18:14

good work, guys. Regards, James. What

18:16

a guy. We've also had, we

18:20

have had another encounter with Herbie

18:22

Hyde involving Cash. So

18:25

we could, we could expand it out to when have you

18:27

met Herbie Hyde and he involved Cash

18:29

in some way. Yeah. Yeah. This

18:31

is from Michael. Hi, guys. Having

18:33

just listened to the anecdote regarding for

18:35

the former two-time WBO heavyweight champion Herbie

18:37

Hyde holding up students at Cash Points

18:40

and Knowledge, I thought I'd share my

18:42

own Herbie tale. Growing up in

18:44

Norwich, I was friends with Herbie's younger brother Alan,

18:46

who's sadly no longer with us. Alan

18:48

and I were playing video games in his bedroom when

18:50

without giving a reason, he ran out of the room.

18:53

To my surprise, he reappeared a few minutes later holding

18:56

200 quid. Being about 10 years old,

18:58

I'd have been impressed if he'd walked in with a fiver. He

19:01

showed me the loot and then proceeded to hide it

19:03

under his VCR without explaining where it had come from.

19:05

That's a video machine if you were born in the

19:07

2000s. Yeah. Within minutes,

19:10

Alan disappeared again, leaving me playing video games

19:12

solo for the second time. Minding

19:15

my own business, I was suddenly startled

19:17

by the door being kicked open. Standing

19:19

in the doorway was the heavyweight boxer

19:21

Herbie Hyde. Without hesitation, he bellowed, where's

19:23

my money? What accident has Herbie Hyde

19:25

had? He was a loner than I

19:27

thought, Herbie Hyde. In Herbie's

19:29

defence, I think he was expecting to see his younger

19:31

brother. However, that didn't prevent

19:34

the inevitable reaction of when a 10 year

19:36

old boy is confronted by a prize fighter.

19:38

I asked myself. I sheepishly

19:40

pointed to the VCR and was met with

19:42

his gratitude for he continued the hunt for

19:44

his sibling. At this point, I

19:46

thought it was best to let myself out and

19:49

scarper home. Wow. There

19:51

you go. Herbie Hyde. Such

19:53

a lot of money. 200 quid. 200

19:55

quid to a 10 year old. So

19:58

much it doesn't actually exist. Yeah, I don't think I'd ever seen

20:00

200 quid when I was 10. No, no

20:03

chance. I would have seen 40 or 50, I think,

20:05

but I don't think I'd ever seen 200 quid. I

20:09

was once told a great lie that someone

20:11

who was a liar said to me. Once,

20:17

me and my friend were jumping on a bed, and

20:20

the bed split up, and the bed was full

20:22

of cash when we were 10, and we nicked

20:25

all the cash and spent it, and we were

20:27

the coolest kids in the school for a whole

20:29

year. And I enjoyed the story,

20:31

and I enjoyed that the more he talked

20:33

about it, like what he'd spent it on,

20:35

the more fantastical it became. And I

20:38

loved the fact that it was a total lie, so I just

20:40

let him tell it. But did you believe it at the time

20:42

being a kid? No, because I was 25. Oh,

20:44

right. I mean, this was a liar in the

20:46

pub. Oh, what a grown person. Yeah, he was

20:48

called Mark and was a liar. Mark

20:52

the liar. Mark the liar. But the thing

20:54

with Mark the liar, if you did, as

20:57

long as you were willing to have a drink with him, great

20:59

lies would emerge. And then he was always

21:01

very entertaining. But you just have to go,

21:03

oh, yeah, really? And not question him or

21:06

anything. Just let him, yeah, get

21:09

tangled in his own web of deceit. Yeah,

21:13

yeah, he was just bouncing

21:15

up and down, and then the sort of mattress tore up. And

21:18

then there was about 50 grand in there, so I just spent

21:20

it on me and my friend. What if it's true, Alice? I

21:22

think you would have been on the news. I

21:25

think, I think... He spent it all very quickly. Would

21:27

have made it time to go to the news. It

21:29

didn't. It didn't stand up. What

21:31

would a 10-year-old spend 50 grand on? You're

21:34

not going to buy a car, are you? Just

21:36

going to buy, you know, thousands of

21:39

stickers. Shall

21:42

we call a comedian? Sure thing. Great. And

21:44

of course, I mean, we very

21:47

casually got into what people are calling the

21:49

best jingle of all time last week. Yes.

21:51

So we should probably just prepare people for

21:53

it this week. Yeah, if you like music,

21:56

it is impossible for you not to like this.

22:00

Yeah, a lot of remarks on the backing.

22:02

I mean, the lead vocals are sensational, John.

22:05

Sorry, I don't remember. I don't know what you're talking about.

22:07

It's the chords of me. Oh, our one.

22:09

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Our jingle

22:11

that we made a lot of love for it.

22:15

So should we hear it before we get into the theme? Yes, please. I'm

22:31

going crazy now. Don't

22:37

call the scout leader. No, no,

22:39

no. Don't call the dog. Read

22:42

a dog. Call a

22:44

comedian. Call

22:50

a comedian. That's right.

22:53

We send your dilemmas out

22:55

to the great and the good of the

22:57

UK comedy scene. And

23:00

they will give their unique take, their

23:02

unique wisdom. They will view

23:04

your problems as scants. And on the line

23:06

today, we've got Chloe pets. Hello, Chloe. Hello.

23:08

Thanks so much for having me. Thank

23:11

you for coming on to be a comedian to be called.

23:14

Oh, thank you. You've just got

23:16

back from Australia, I believe. I

23:19

have got back from Australia. I've been back a

23:21

while now, but I'm Australian. It's obviously

23:24

fantastic, obviously a delight. I

23:27

feel like it's one of those things where it's like you you

23:30

go through the slog of Edinburgh like six months

23:32

prior so that you get the reward of going

23:34

to Australia and just like in about with some

23:36

kangaroos. Yes, I was in the

23:38

sort of Australian equivalent of a Wetherspoons. It

23:41

was just a kangaroo in the garden. Really?

23:43

Yeah. I mean, across the

23:45

fence. That's a ubiquitous experience. No, no, no, but

23:47

they were. I did see them far more often

23:49

than I expected to see them. And big bats

23:51

in Sydney as well. And I didn't see any

23:53

kangaroos when I went to Australia. I did. I

23:58

petted a kangaroo. Thank you. Yeah,

24:00

it was sick actually. I wouldn't do

24:02

it in the wild, but we went

24:05

to a specific place where they let

24:07

you pack kangaroos. And yeah,

24:10

it was really quite something special actually.

24:13

Do you mean the kangaroo was sick or do

24:16

you mean sick as in cool? Because we

24:18

keep up with all the latest lingo. Don't you

24:20

worry Chloe. It's

24:24

a long time since I've been asked what I mean by the word

24:26

sick. Well, but it's confusing, isn't

24:28

it? If you say the kangaroo was sick. It

24:30

does sound like you took advantage of an ill

24:32

kangaroo. Yeah, I took advantage

24:35

of an ill kangaroo. The good thing about a kangaroo being

24:37

sick though is that it doesn't need a sick bag because

24:39

it just goes in its pouch. Oh,

24:43

well that is nice. That's

24:45

good. That's really made

24:47

me feel more positive about Britain. Did

24:51

you pet a koala? No,

24:54

no, I didn't pet a koala. I

24:57

think they're known to give you chlamydia if you pet

24:59

a koala. That wasn't a koala. How do you pet

25:01

a koala? And

25:03

that's not caught petting. No,

25:07

Chloe, back me up. This is the

25:10

truth, isn't it? I think you can

25:12

contract chlamydia by petting a koala. You

25:15

can contract chlamydia. I'm not sure by

25:17

petting a koala. I think it might

25:19

have to like sneeze into your face

25:22

or like be near your face. Or you've got your trousers.

25:24

You can touch the koala and then touch your face. But

25:29

yeah, you can. By Jesus as well. We

25:33

have Australian listeners. I know

25:36

we do. And I fear that we are

25:38

coming across as ignorant. The

25:42

kangaroo wasn't in, there was a beer

25:44

garden where I was having a drink and

25:47

then there was a fence and the kangaroo was

25:49

across from the fence. It was probably 40 feet

25:52

from where I was. But it was, you

25:54

know, as someone who didn't grow up in

25:56

Australia, I found it mind-boggling

25:59

and no one else. else was bothered. And

26:01

I was also absolutely stunned by the

26:03

Huntsman spiders, which are massive but harmless,

26:05

because obviously I grew up in Wales

26:07

where spiders are small and also harmless.

26:09

So I'm just trying to

26:12

clear up. I don't know Australian listeners to

26:14

think, God, they don't know anything about this.

26:16

I know loads. I've just told you about

26:18

the climate. It sounds like nonsense though, Dave.

26:23

I also think like if we're to choose

26:25

a nation that also doesn't really have a

26:27

moral high ground, then Australia is a good

26:29

one to slag off. Oh, yeah?

26:31

Yeah, good point. Yeah. Yeah,

26:34

I think you're

26:36

punching forward rather than punching down with

26:38

the Australians. Yeah.

26:40

And certainly I can only speak from a

26:42

cricketing context. They like a bit of verbal

26:45

back and forth. Yeah. We're

26:47

sledging. Yeah, we're just sledging.

26:49

We're just sledging. Well, Chloe, you've

26:51

agreed to solve a listener dilemma

26:53

and this week's dilemma is from

26:55

Neve. And Neve says, I

26:58

have a confession. I don't like

27:00

my boyfriend's style. He used

27:02

to dress really cool and trendy, but now he's dressing

27:04

like someone who has given up. He

27:06

seems happy, but puts no effort into his

27:08

appearance and it's embarrassing for me to take

27:10

him anywhere. What should I do? Well

27:14

listen, I'm going to go to my default piece

27:16

of advice here, which I think is a good

27:18

old fashion. Glassing. Yeah.

27:23

It's not to glass him. I think that would be

27:26

wrong, but it's to gaslight

27:28

him. Oh,

27:30

okay. No,

27:34

I think, you know, it's

27:37

been frowned upon for too long, but I think we

27:40

need to start using it for us in

27:42

our favor gaslighting. And I think

27:44

what we need to do is basically

27:46

she needs to pretend that she has

27:48

got, she's having an affair with a

27:51

significantly trendier man. The well-dressed

27:53

other man. Yeah. The well-dressed other man.

27:55

And that was sort of incentivize him

27:58

to up his game. that he

28:00

doesn't get stolen by the ghost

28:02

boyfriend. I'd like to

28:04

know what happened. Is

28:08

he just comfortable in his relationship? Does

28:10

he not like modern style? Because

28:12

obviously fashions change. What's

28:14

his, does

28:16

he just want to be more comfortable

28:19

and has got into, I don't know,

28:21

whatever that dressing gowns. I guess in

28:23

an evolutionary sense, once you've secured a

28:25

mate, once you've sort of

28:27

created your nest, you

28:30

sort of don't, not so much of

28:32

a fuss about your displays of plumage. I

28:35

don't like that you're being nuanced and balanced about

28:37

this. Well,

28:40

I think we're entirely comfortable with the

28:42

sort of positive view of gaslighting. It's

28:44

rare. It is rare. It's rare on

28:46

the BBC. It's

28:49

rare, but I don't mind it. I've just never

28:51

heard it before. I

28:53

think colour is bringing fresh angles. Do you?

28:56

But that's interesting to me what you

28:58

say about what's changed, because she sort

29:00

of says in the

29:03

narration of the problem, I think

29:05

that he's not

29:07

sort of, is his self-esteem bad?

29:09

Is he happy? Well, he's

29:12

still happy still, but

29:14

puts no effort into his appearance and he's

29:16

embarrassing for me to take him anywhere. What

29:18

should I do? Well, I wonder if it's

29:20

a case of, because Niamh says he's dressing

29:22

like someone who's given up, and in a

29:24

sense he has given up trying to be

29:28

very attractive to the outside world. And I

29:30

wonder if it's less a case of getting

29:32

him back to that, but finding his new

29:34

look, saying it's okay if

29:36

you want to not be so necessarily dressed like

29:38

you used to, but we need to find you

29:40

a style. Yeah,

29:44

it doesn't happen very often

29:46

anymore, but certainly in my parents'

29:49

generation, I knew so many dads

29:52

who were basically entirely clothed

29:54

by their wives. Like

29:56

I don't like my dad's Porsche for 45 years. I

30:00

have to say I do fall into that category.

30:03

I recently taken to wearing

30:05

light trousers. Yeah. I'm

30:07

wearing today, which I haven't

30:09

worn until this year. Yeah.

30:12

And I'm 42, Ellis. And

30:14

they do suit. They do suit. I

30:17

mean, I would I probably wouldn't eat Nutella in them. No,

30:20

I've already got prawns on them this

30:22

morning. And it's

30:25

annoying when you just have like lean against

30:27

a car. Yeah. Yeah. Suddenly

30:30

have to go in the wash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or

30:32

on the tube, I sort of like colored jackets. I

30:34

would lean on things in the tube and then I

30:36

would have to wash my coat. Yeah. But what I

30:39

think the thing is that you just go you you

30:42

reach for what's familiar. Yeah. And

30:44

I might take a bit of

30:46

a bit of nudging,

30:48

a bit of nudging, a couple of

30:50

birthdays and a couple of Christmases. Yeah.

30:52

To actually build up the portion of

30:54

the wardrobe you like. And also positive

30:56

affirmations. So you buy what I was

30:59

going to say. So Niamh would buy

31:01

her boyfriend a new shirt, for instance.

31:04

And then he puts the shirt on and you go, oh, God, you

31:06

look really nice. You look really good in that. You look really good

31:08

in that suit. And then you say things like, it's nice to look

31:10

nice, isn't it? Like training a dog. Yeah.

31:12

It's nice to look nice, isn't it? And then every time

31:14

he takes the shirt off, you bang his nose with a

31:17

piece of rolled up newspaper. Or

31:19

you could say, I'm having

31:22

an affair with a man named Alan and

31:24

he dresses terribly well. Yeah. Yeah. You

31:26

could go back to the hour. Yeah. I

31:28

don't understand why this has been taken off

31:30

the table. I

31:32

know I'm finding it difficult. I'm finding it

31:34

difficult to understand why you've gone, oh, buy

31:37

him a nice shirt and give him positive

31:39

reinforcement instead of instead

31:41

of sort of putting the abject

31:43

fear in. Chloe, Chloe, Chloe, you

31:45

are talking to a couple of

31:47

snowflakes. OK. But

31:52

I do think I'm not comfortable with this emphasis

31:55

on the women having to make sure that the

31:57

men look nice. Do you know what I mean?

31:59

Well, it'd be fine. Neve cares. Like

32:02

if Neve didn't care, it would be all right. The

32:04

boyfriend needs to take his own initiative. Do you know

32:06

what? But he's happy as he is.

32:09

That's the trick. That's what's so

32:11

tricky about it. He's happy. Yeah.

32:13

It's Neve was unhappy because she needs to

32:16

make him unhappy. She needs to make him

32:18

happy. So

32:20

that he'll do something about it. Yeah. Or is

32:22

it a case, Neve, of a little call to

32:24

the Fab Five? Oh,

32:27

yeah. Get a French

32:29

turkey in there. Get

32:32

Tan France sorting him out. That

32:34

would be good. I

32:37

would love that. I think it is right into

32:39

the Queer Eye boys. Yeah, I

32:41

think that's our answer. OK, Neve.

32:43

Well, fingers crossed that's been

32:45

helpful. You've got a whole gamut of

32:47

options there to choose from. And

32:50

Chloe, you're taking your show How You See Me, How

32:52

You Don't up to Edinburgh this year. Tell us all

32:54

about it. Oh,

32:56

well, listen, it's about... How

32:59

I got some... I did a sports show

33:02

late last year and I got some trolls

33:05

online and I realised that for the

33:07

first time in my life, someone was

33:09

bullying me and I've never been

33:11

bullied before. So it was quite like an interesting

33:13

experience for me to be like, what the hell

33:16

is this? As an adult? Yeah,

33:18

as an adult, a late life

33:20

bullied person. Because, you know, as

33:23

we've established before, if anyone tried to bully me in the

33:25

past, I would just glass. But

33:28

you can't glass people across the

33:30

internet as I've discovered. So

33:33

that all sounds sort of rather serious in sphere,

33:35

but I think it's pretty

33:37

funny and I found it all

33:40

quite a laugh. So come

33:42

along and find out what happened. And

33:44

it's at 7pm at the Pleasance Courtyard

33:47

during the end of the festival. So you've done the whole run, 31st of July to

33:49

25th of August. Yeah,

33:53

very excited, actually. Great. And

33:55

for the first time in my life, I'm

33:57

actually excited for the Edinburgh Fringe. Good. Good.

34:00

That's the dream position to be in.

34:02

Well, Chloe was one of our directors

34:05

on Fancy Football League. So I'm

34:08

well aware of how funny she is. So

34:10

I can heartily recommend how

34:12

you see me, how you don't by Chloe Petz at

34:14

the Enbridge Festival this year. Thank you very much for

34:16

coming on, Chloe. That's very kind

34:18

for your time and nice words. So thank you

34:21

so much for having me. It's been a pleasure.

34:23

Oh, it's very kind. Goodbye. Take care

34:25

boys. Bye bye. Hey,

34:34

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Full terms at mintmobile.com. That

35:28

was Call a Comedian with a Wonderful Chloe Pet. If

35:38

you have a problem, a dilemma, you'd like a comedian to

35:40

solve. Email

35:42

us on ellisandjohn of bbc.co.uk. But it's that time

35:45

of the show where we catch up with childs.

36:04

Listen, thanks very much indeed for coming on, Gordon.

36:06

I know you're away on holiday. We really appreciate

36:08

your time. I'll

36:10

see you soon. And Kate, lovely to see you.

36:12

I'll see if I can get you an invite

36:14

round to watch the game

36:16

with Mr and Mrs Stracken. No better. There's a

36:18

space for another one, Kate. There's a space for

36:20

another one. OK,

36:23

well, we can deal with the big

36:25

man for 90 minutes of doing today.

36:29

All right, cheers, Gordon. Thank you very much. You're

36:32

the best. Cheers. And

36:35

listen, John will be will be along

36:37

a bit later. Hello,

36:40

fellow. Hello. Adrian, a question.

36:43

Your friends with Gordon Stracken. Yes,

36:46

yes. Think about your phone book.

36:49

Which person that phone book would 14 year

36:52

old Adrian Childs go? Oh, my gosh. I

36:55

think Gordon would have been right up

36:57

there. Yeah. Actually, the

36:59

key one is Robert Plant. What?

37:02

He would be he would be right

37:04

up there. Robert Plant. John, John Robbins.

37:06

Does John Robbins feature at all? John

37:09

Robbins does. John, John

37:11

Robbins. Well, not when I was 14,

37:13

to be honest. I don't believe you were born then. So

37:16

that would have been Adrian. I think 14 year

37:18

old Childs had the insight and the

37:20

knowledge of the media environment environment to

37:23

predict that some 40 years

37:26

later, he would become friends

37:28

with the future of British Broadcaster. Yes,

37:34

it would have been a heady thought. Do

37:36

you know what, though, John, I did something

37:38

I feel unclean about reading

37:40

feel right that I was I

37:43

did Ellis without John yesterday. I

37:45

was on air with Ellis, but

37:47

no John. Where? Where? Where? We

37:49

were on air on Five Live. I was

37:51

broadcasting from Ammonford in Camard and Cher. And

37:54

we got Ellie song because he's from that

37:56

neck of the wood. I heard you. I

37:58

was actually listening to Five Live. in my

38:00

car, I heard you chatting to a girl

38:02

from a townie school who didn't like farmers.

38:05

Yes, that's right. But Ellis came on and

38:08

Ellis came on shortly after that. I just felt

38:10

disloyal. I think we either there as a three

38:13

or not at all. I'm not talking to either

38:15

of you separately. The

38:17

problem with John is that for John, loyalty

38:20

is everything. It's

38:23

like he's in the mafia. If you are

38:26

disloyal to John, he cuts you out

38:28

and he can do so in the

38:30

cruelest way. Are you way back? Ellis

38:32

was part of a sketch troop for

38:34

about two years. What was their name?

38:37

Superclump. Superclump. I was not invited

38:39

to any, I wasn't invited to

38:41

the rehearsals. I wasn't invited to

38:43

give a lot of good marketing

38:45

strategy advice. I didn't speak to him for

38:47

two years. It is. In

38:49

my defence, it was during a period

38:52

where John was almost professionally hard work.

38:57

But I obviously regret it and I've

38:59

had this last 10 years

39:01

of our digital decade has been me

39:03

trying to pay John back for my

39:05

disloyalty. And I apologize to him again.

39:09

I didn't mean to uncover, to

39:12

opportune this particular stone, but I'm glad it

39:14

all ended well. What are you talking about

39:16

today? Any thoughts? It's

39:19

a deep dive into my cycle ride

39:21

from London to Brighton that gave me a

39:23

crazy appetite and

39:25

led me to boring Rachel Burden

39:28

at a BBC corporate event. Did

39:33

you stay on the bike all the way up Ditchelling

39:35

Beacon? What do you

39:37

know? Who have you been talking to? I

39:40

am just asking because there was a,

39:43

I did it once and I did manage to

39:45

keep pedaling all the way to the top. There

39:47

were some fellows in proper bikes, in proper kit

39:49

who'd gone up and walked. Well, this is very

39:51

interesting, Adrian, because Ellis is someone with a proper

39:53

bike and a proper kit. And if

39:55

you, Adrian, I'm guessing on a fixie,

39:57

on an old fixie. sits

42:00

at one end of the of the

42:02

Emirates. Yeah. Right. Yeah. There's a sort of

42:04

a long jump pit with

42:06

a broken glass in the middle. Yeah. And

42:09

it's all I was I was imagining more

42:11

of a a long ramp

42:13

like evil can evil like a 60 meter

42:16

ramp. I'm not jumping over, but I'm walking

42:18

through the broken glass. Well, I'm crawling over

42:20

mine. Oh, okay. So a whole body is

42:23

torn to ribbons. Right. Okay. Well, I'm just

42:25

doing feet. And obviously you've got half

42:29

of the audience want me to bleed to death. Half of them

42:31

don't. Half of them don't. The away end. And

42:34

Annie Lennox is there. Annie Lennox is

42:36

there. Singing, walking on broken glass. Absolutely

42:38

she is. And the chap that plays

42:40

the keyboard. Yes. Dave Stewart. Dave Stewart.

42:42

Oh, nice. And you know,

42:44

Adrian gives the big thumbs up. And

42:46

then like Gladiator, you get

42:48

it, you show the crowd your

42:51

bleeding feet, the away

42:53

end stand to applaud. And then

42:55

you scream at Adrian, are you

42:57

not entertained? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

43:00

then and then Adrian's curses lifted. Yeah. Because

43:04

that's why I'm walking across the broken

43:06

glass. Oh, I am actually. Yeah. Because

43:08

Adrian's little thumbs up. Adrian's crops have

43:10

failed for the last four years, Dave.

43:13

And you will have his vengeance in this life

43:15

or the next. He will do. And you know,

43:18

and it's just a very happy ending. And the

43:20

crops are found. And then the bad thing to

43:22

say you're going to. Well, yes. Well, you're

43:24

off to tonight, John. Oh, I'm just off

43:26

to the glass walk at Wembley. Yeah. Who

43:29

is it tonight? Adrian Charles. Who is it

43:31

tomorrow? Dion Dublin. Yeah. Who

43:34

was walking at Charles John Robbins? Oh,

43:37

he said on the radio he'd do that. I'd have

43:39

liked to have got tickets for that. Oh, they went

43:41

in the way. And actually, I'm going to be. I

43:45

hope his feet come off.

43:47

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I

43:51

think a difficult one to organize. Oh,

43:54

the risk, the risk assessment. Imagine being the

43:56

promoter and losing money on it. Oh yeah.

43:58

Booked out where. No one turns up. It was

44:01

60,000 people. Well, no, but it's

44:03

like 800 people there, rattling

44:05

under massive stadium. Yeah, most of

44:07

whom are stewards. Anyway,

44:11

folks, are your dads mad?

44:15

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick

44:17

frying pan, kept the

44:19

instructions and stuck them on the wall

44:21

next to it. Actual real wooden clogs.

44:25

Instead of eating what must have been

44:27

north of 24 egg canopays, he

44:30

then proceeded to empty 40 litres

44:32

or so. I wanted

44:35

a Timbett, strike a mad dad's

44:37

a mad dad's a mad dad's

44:39

a mad dad's a mad dad.

44:43

Do you have a mad dad? Do you have

44:45

a mad stepdad? Do you have a mad father-in-law?

44:47

Yeah. Let us know.

44:50

The father-in-law, I would say is the trickiest one

44:52

to write about. Unless you're doing an anonymous sleeve.

44:54

Well, yeah, you can send in an anonymous mad

44:56

dad. Yes, absolutely. Like a shame

44:58

well. Yeah, of course. First

45:01

up is this from Mark. Mark

45:05

says, dear Ellis John and Dave. This

45:07

is crazy, this one. Longtime listener

45:09

and virgin emailer. I

45:11

have a mad dad, famous for

45:13

not making normal choices. It's

45:15

hard to pick just one bit of lunacy, but this

45:17

has always been my favourite. My

45:20

mad dad has always loved, and

45:22

I mean really loved, a pint.

45:24

Never two pints, but one. Followed

45:27

by the old trick of asking the bartender

45:29

to pop another half in there, when

45:32

there's clearly only a few sips left, hoping

45:35

to get more bang for his half pint buck. This

45:38

ongoing behaviour started to annoy the owners of the

45:40

local pub in our tiny hamlet in 1989, so

45:44

much so that they began to make him feel unwelcome. He

45:47

wanted to drink somewhere else to prove he didn't need

45:49

to go to that pub anyway. However,

45:52

we lived in the middle of nowhere, with every

45:55

other pub being a minimum four mile drive. Too

45:58

far to walk in the winter months. and being

46:00

a ruddy nice bloke, he would never, who would

46:02

never have contemplated having a drink. So

46:05

he did what any A-grade mad dad

46:07

would do. Now, this is

46:09

a classic, this is where the mad dad

46:11

stands at a crossroads. Right?

46:16

Sanity says... Yeah, taxi.

46:19

Well, no, Sanity first

46:21

says, give it up with the weird

46:23

half pint trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because

46:25

you're basically exiling yourself from the only

46:28

local pub. For the sake of sometimes

46:30

getting an extra 25 milliliters of beer.

46:32

Yeah. It's not, it's complete

46:34

madness. Which because of my obsession with inflation

46:36

in 1989 would have been pennies. Pennies.

46:41

So that's what Sanity says. If

46:44

it's gotten this far, the

46:46

game is not worth the candle, right? Sanity,

46:49

round two Sanity says,

46:53

get a cab. Yeah. Get

46:55

a lift with someone who isn't, get

46:57

a sort of designated driver, get your

46:59

partner or someone on

47:01

your road who goes there to give you a lift,

47:03

or a cab. These are all sane cycle.

47:06

Yes, have a can at home. Have a couple

47:09

of cans at home. Less common in the 80s

47:11

than you think. Yes, much less common. Anyway,

47:14

what does Mark's dad do? This

47:17

is absolutely sensational, by the way.

47:21

So what did my, so he did what

47:23

any A grade mad dad would do. He

47:25

arranged for two donkeys from Skegness Beach

47:27

to come and live with us off

47:29

season. Brought a saddle,

47:31

a riding helmet, loads of straw.

47:33

Loads of straw, I love that.

47:35

And turned our normal bog standard

47:37

garage into a stable. I

47:41

think dad was hoping for donkey rotation like

47:43

a subs bench. But when they turned up,

47:45

one of them was too small for the

47:47

job and dad's feet still touched the ground

47:49

when he mounted it. So

47:52

when the bigger one needed a rest, he had

47:55

to go to the original local pub anyway. Literally

47:58

no point to it at all. Maybe

48:00

he just wanted an excuse to buy

48:02

a donkey, I'll probably never know. But

48:06

twice a week, he'd go off on the

48:08

bigger donkey, who walked slower than he did,

48:10

leave it outside the pup car park, tied

48:13

to a bench with a few carrots, tuck

48:15

his riding helmet under his arm, and

48:18

stride proudly into competitor's pub lounge for

48:20

1.75 pints of real ale. Not

48:23

even a heavy session as well. What

48:27

does 1.75 pints of real ale

48:29

take at a drink? You mean they're at less than an hour? I

48:32

was a pretty shy introverted child. I cannot

48:34

begin to tell you how agonising it was

48:36

to get on the school bus for

48:39

those two or three years mortifying, but

48:41

I did end up loving those donkeys.

48:45

Many thanks for the show. Mark, what a

48:47

superb story that enters the Mad Dad Hall

48:49

of Fame. To hold a fame at...

48:54

that takes a lot of beating, that takes

48:56

a lot of beating. The lengths

48:58

he's gone to. It's the over-engineering

49:01

of problems. Yeah, he's so Mad

49:03

Dad. I would have been beyond

49:07

mortified if my dad had done

49:10

that, because I was also... no,

49:13

particularly shy I

49:15

suppose, but I just didn't want the

49:17

hassle of the donkeys. No

49:20

one wants their dads riding a donkey through the

49:22

streets. I think that's safe to say. That's

49:27

quite an extreme thing to do.

49:29

Like Jesus. Yes, I suppose.

49:33

He'd like to drink. Okay,

49:37

this is a good one from Leo.

49:41

One Saturday morning I woke up in bed

49:44

aged about 14, suspiciously early, around 6am.

49:47

I was woke up by strange smell, and

49:49

smelled chemically and toxic. I went

49:52

downstairs to see my dad sat in a

49:54

reclining chair, playing the poncho with the news

49:56

on a socially unacceptable volume in the background.

49:59

I asked him what you'd doing to which he replied

50:01

I'm just having a jam and making coffee do you

50:03

want some I went into

50:05

the kitchen to find out a plastic electric kettle

50:08

melted over the gas hall but its

50:10

highest heat I guess he'd

50:12

chosen this one February morning to relive his

50:14

1950s childhood proceeded to blame both the kettle

50:16

and the cooker for his grave error. In

50:20

a plethora and indeed career of embarrassing

50:22

stories this cooker-based mishap is a good

50:24

starting point to introduce you to Brian

50:26

the madder's dad of all it is

50:28

indeed one of many cooker slash hob

50:31

related stories much love Leo. Wow. So

50:33

keep your mad daddery coming in to

50:35

ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk and whatsapp us on

50:37

07974 293022. And now it's time for

50:44

Ellis and John's Cool Club. Horticulture

50:48

graphite grey foreign cuisine

50:50

hair gel bespoke board

50:53

games Ellis and John's

50:55

Cool Club Cool Club yes

51:00

every week we introduce some well

51:02

actually not every week it's

51:05

an occasional feature Dave yeah it's because

51:07

we subbed it out for Ellis James's

51:09

sports desk that didn't work so now

51:11

we're doing it again it did work

51:13

for a couple of weeks John oh

51:16

it'll be back will it sport

51:18

never ends did yeah I wonder

51:20

whether this feature has all right

51:24

now I enjoyed it you've not

51:26

been sacked you just

51:28

finished be moved I know we're just

51:30

is rotation yes rotation squad

51:33

rotates you are a donkey it's

51:35

rotation with sort of part

51:37

of the squad that's gonna be rotated

51:39

forever yeah just

51:42

sort of spinning careering into a

51:44

void all right you're in a

51:46

gravity-free zone and there's just nothing

51:48

can stop you I'm not clearing

51:50

into a void I've just started

51:52

to have a sit down in the

51:54

paddock yeah

51:57

yeah so when we do at

52:00

Ellis and John's Cool Club, we add

52:02

things you think are cool into the

52:04

club. We've added body

52:07

warmers, jigsaw puzzles, Jeffing, U-turns,

52:09

walking football, and many other

52:11

things. Because Ellis and I

52:13

are cool. Yeah, custard is

52:16

in there, as is enthusiastic.

52:18

Because people say cool is custard. And

52:21

not for a while. But they did used to say

52:23

that. In the 50s, like Enid Blayton would have said

52:25

it. Yeah, that's cool is custard. That's cool is custard.

52:27

Or would they also say cool is mustard? I

52:30

think that's mustard. That's mustard. That's

52:32

mustard. Different.

52:35

I'm just thinking of cool is a cucumber. God,

52:37

a lot of things are cool, aren't they, these

52:39

days? Is it cool is custard? Or is it

52:42

cowardly, cowardly custard? You're definitely cowardly custard. Again,

52:44

not heard it for a while. But I'm

52:46

definitely. Google it, Dave. You're cool is a

52:49

cucumber, aren't you? Cool is custard. Oh,

52:54

I feel very cool now. I

52:57

don't think cool is custard is a thing. I mean,

52:59

if Google doesn't have it. There's

53:02

a cool is custard cafe limited. What

53:04

a company. Yeah, but not a saying

53:07

or a phrase or an idiom. I

53:09

think we're in trouble here. Maybe

53:12

you've coined it. There was

53:14

a BBC podcast. The Rams Daily, a Derby

53:16

County podcast, has a title of their podcast

53:18

called Trevor Christian being as cool as custard.

53:20

Well, there you go, Dave. As long as

53:22

Trevor. That's all you need to get into

53:25

the OED is a reference on a Derby

53:27

County podcast. I've

53:30

never heard it, but you said it

53:32

was such authority that when you said

53:34

cool is custard, I instantly

53:36

believed you. Well, I liked your other one you said

53:39

earlier, which was really nice. What was the candle one

53:41

you said? Oh, the game is not worth the candle.

53:43

Never heard that. It's one of my favorite sayings, Dave.

53:45

What does it mean? I've also not heard that, but

53:47

I just enjoyed it. I heard it first from Sherlock

53:50

Holmes, I think. But in order

53:52

to play a game of cards in the olden days,

53:54

you'd have to light a candle if it was late

53:56

at night. So the

53:58

game is not worth the candle. So

54:00

good job. That's good. That's your that's

54:02

your gift. I'm gonna slip that in

54:04

tonight Why are you? How

54:08

are you gonna say? Yeah, it's a bit like sort

54:10

of you know What would

54:12

be an example? Me

54:14

and Hannah are watching Glastonbury tonight. Yeah,

54:16

I will say Back

54:18

in the day I'd have I'd have probably loved to have

54:21

been at Glastonbury because I enjoyed

54:23

camping I was younger and I had a and I

54:25

had a large zest for life Yeah, but at this

54:27

age at 39 the game just

54:29

isn't worth the candle Hannah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

54:31

That work. Yeah, I think so Yeah,

54:35

yes, tell us how it goes I'll record

54:38

it on a voice note Good

54:42

stuff well this week's submission

54:44

is from Harriet in Kenya and

54:48

Harriet says hi. I'm 41. I'm cool

54:53

There are two things I listen to on a

54:55

regular basis whilst training for the lower marathon where

54:57

you basically get chased by rhino And Buffalo no,

54:59

no, thank you Your

55:03

pod is not worth the candle day

55:05

I Listen

55:08

to your podcast and the archers.

55:10

Oh, yes the archers

55:13

And here's why the archers needs to go

55:15

into the cool club one What are the

55:17

radio drama can boast two? 20,000

55:21

283 episodes spanning seven decades first hitting

55:23

the radio waves in 1951 certainly

55:26

not di Robbins Two

55:29

episodes are twelve and a half minutes long perfect

55:31

for a soak in the bath Or all your

55:33

sats on the loop trying to escape numerous kids

55:35

and the husband asking where you are What you're

55:37

doing and can you come out because you needed

55:39

to find stuff that is quite clearly where you

55:41

said it was? They

55:45

tackle a wide range of hot topics from domestic

55:47

abuse Electric vehicles and surrogacy

55:49

to farmers getting ripped off and

55:52

gay marriage All my

55:54

friends think I'm mad, but I love it, and

55:56

I think such an incredible radio legacy needs to

55:58

be celebrated Thanks so much

56:00

for your consideration Harriet Nairobi Kenya.

56:03

Piers, please can you do a shout out

56:05

to my brother Hadley who lives in Tally

56:07

in Wales. Who's Tally,

56:10

Ellis? I don't know, I think it's in the middle

56:12

of the night, I don't actually know. So

56:14

Google it now, Dave. Well,

56:16

I'll Google it, but it doesn't mean

56:18

that you've known where it was. How

56:20

are you spelling it, John? T-A-L-L-E-Y. And

56:23

Hadley builds sustainable houses out of hemp

56:25

in Wales. Oh, I suspect it's in

56:27

Powis somewhere, but I could be wrong.

56:29

Doobie houses? No, I don't

56:31

think so. Living in a

56:33

doobie. It's just outside. Let's have a look.

56:35

It's there, it's there. Oh my God. Sorry,

56:39

this isn't very... Come on then, sure,

56:41

I'm going to be absolutely devastated. Oh

56:43

dear, he's sacked. He's on rotation and

56:45

he's forgotten all the places in Wales.

56:49

He was born there, Dave. It's not

56:51

far from Abergobleth. Oh, you're

56:53

kidding. Abergobleth. That has absolutely

56:55

blown my mind. It's

56:58

basically flankardog. This

57:03

is a hard day for Alice. Yeah, a friend of mine

57:06

wrote a song about Abergobleth. Did

57:08

he mention Tally? No, that's the issue.

57:10

It's from flankardog when I've had a

57:12

drink with my friend, Rhys. Okay,

57:15

well, that's... Well, you've ruined that.

57:17

Nice one. Well,

57:19

Harriet, so you've had

57:22

a profound effect on L.S. James' self-confidence.

57:25

He is at a low, Dave. He needs

57:27

an arm round the shoulder. And there's ants

57:29

on my shorts. There's ants on your shorts.

57:32

I've got ants in my kitchen. I can't work out where they're coming from.

57:34

Me too. Oh, you never will. Will

57:36

you not? Just let them live. Really? Yeah, let them live.

57:38

I guess they don't do any harm, do they? They don't

57:40

mind an ant here and there. No. The

57:43

great comedian Angela Barnes is a massive fan of

57:45

the arches. Yes, she is. And...

57:48

Tum, teetum, teetum, teetum. The

57:51

comedy promoter from Yorkshire, Toby,

57:54

once told me he said, the thing with the arches, you'll turn your nose up

57:56

a bit. But if you listen to a

57:58

few episodes, very quickly... you become addicted.

58:02

That's a sign of any good drama. Like if you

58:04

could drop back into EastEnders and you

58:06

can be back in within days. It's one of

58:08

those things that is sort of quite nice to

58:10

distract you from the fact this country is absolutely

58:12

going to the dogs, Dave. Or not, depending on

58:15

the unique beauty. Test match

58:17

special, the archers, times crosswords. If

58:19

that's all you think about, you'd

58:21

be quite chilled. If you're chilling

58:23

in tally. Stephen Fry's voice. Don't

58:25

bring timey up. Attenborough.

58:29

Attenborough. But

58:32

I get why. Hey, listen, I think it should go in.

58:35

I get it. I get it. I

58:37

understand it should go in. It's great. I've

58:40

never listened to, I've heard it. I've never listened to

58:42

more than about five minutes of it. Because

58:45

I always find it too overwhelming because obviously it's

58:47

been going for so many times. Too overwhelming. Well,

58:49

there's 70 years to catch up on. I don't

58:51

think anyone is catching up on archers from 19

58:53

feet. But I don't know

58:55

any of the characters. But they're not the same characters.

58:58

I assumed we were 100

59:00

year old farmers. Can't

59:04

work out how the broadband works. You

59:06

don't need the origin story. I thought

59:08

you did need the origin story. But

59:10

obviously like all good soap operas. As

59:12

I think Adam and Joe once very

59:15

hilariously pointed out, every scene starts with

59:17

a sigh. Yeah. Yeah.

59:21

You all right, Bill? Just

59:23

coming from top field. Yeah.

59:27

And Joe Cornish edited together all the sighs

59:30

from the rest of the archers. Yes,

59:33

good. Well, thank you very much

59:35

for sending that in. That

59:37

goes in to Cool Club. Great.

59:42

I mean, it's been good. And I think we're

59:44

probably nearly there, are we not? Yes,

59:47

well, we've got a couple more emails. Thank

59:49

you from everyone who sent in companies

59:52

that make different things. Yes. Run

59:54

through Adam, Hitachi, make fridges, TVs and

59:56

sex toys. Hold on.

59:59

Rob. Yeah,

1:04:00

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could have

1:04:02

been one of the great diplomats. Well, yeah. But

1:04:05

my friend, Steph Guerrero, who

1:04:07

was like Steve

1:04:09

Hall, a comedian's best mate at university, he

1:04:13

was at a pub quiz in Oxford

1:04:15

in 1997. And I

1:04:17

think one of them had recorded it and they

1:04:19

listened to the recording and Matt Hancock is there.

1:04:22

Really? Yeah. But

1:04:24

obviously they didn't know at the time he was going to go on to, you know,

1:04:26

be a considered politician. Anyway, I

1:04:29

also went to Oxford having gone to a

1:04:31

bog standard state school. If John's experience was

1:04:33

anything like mine, most of the posh set

1:04:35

was so objectionable that it was an active

1:04:37

choice to avoid them and get lashed in

1:04:39

the bar instead. I personally was pulled instead

1:04:41

of darts. A couple of

1:04:43

examples. There was a girl

1:04:45

who had a pre-drinks during Freshers Week, took her

1:04:47

knickers off and started shaving her zone

1:04:50

mid conversation, maintaining eye contact

1:04:52

as some sort of power

1:04:55

move, forward grief. An extraordinary

1:04:57

power move. Yeah. And

1:04:59

it is a power move. It is. Yeah. Not

1:05:02

one I would do. But another guy went on

1:05:04

a gap year after uni to South America. He

1:05:06

wrote a blog about such things as the joy

1:05:09

he felt at teaching indigenous Brazilian peoples about the

1:05:11

concept of a rubbish bin. Oh my God. That's

1:05:14

actually made me twist with anger. There

1:05:17

were of course, plenty of lovely people who went

1:05:19

to private schools, many of whom are now my

1:05:21

friends, but the real postures were on another level

1:05:24

like aliens. No prospect of future

1:05:26

political connections could have made me spend time with

1:05:28

them and they probably wouldn't have accepted me into

1:05:30

the fold anyway, given that I was clearly a

1:05:32

natural born pleb. John was there a

1:05:35

few years before me, but I imagine it was much

1:05:37

the same situation. Sadly, thanks to a

1:05:39

system of privilege and nepotism that still thrives, a

1:05:41

lot of them are or will be

1:05:43

in positions of power at some point, making decisions

1:05:45

for the rest of us. Oh joy. Full

1:05:47

stop. Best wishes, Zoe. John, what are

1:05:49

your thoughts? Well, Dave, how much of

1:05:52

that is staying in? We'll have to just, I'm racking

1:05:54

my brains. I'm racking my brains.

1:05:56

Is the game worth the candle? Is that what

1:05:58

it is? Uh,

1:06:00

yeah. Yeah. I think it

1:06:02

is. I'm not sure the game is worth the candle.

1:06:04

I don't know how much of the candle will be

1:06:07

left. I don't know. Let's have a look. Let's have

1:06:09

a look. Let's read the email from Sean to end.

1:06:11

Okay. Hey team, following on from

1:06:13

Tuesday's chat about Dom's, which delayed onset

1:06:15

muscle soreness, and Ellis's extraordinary

1:06:17

claim that he's never experienced them. I don't get

1:06:20

it, I believe in it. I thought I'd let

1:06:22

you know an alternative word of them. I'm from

1:06:24

Shetland. We have a rich traditional culture and dialect.

1:06:26

The word for Dom's is spagie.

1:06:31

Well, he's done that thing. Sorry, Sean,

1:06:33

but this is something that is a

1:06:35

slight issue for me. Don't

1:06:39

have a go at Sean. I'm not making a go

1:06:41

at Sean. I'm making a go at people who spell

1:06:43

things phonetically in a way that doesn't clear up how

1:06:45

you pronounce things. One

1:06:48

of the problems with the English language, I would

1:06:50

say. Well, no, no, no, no, no, it's not

1:06:52

because the phonetic alphabet exists specifically

1:06:54

for, but people don't use the phonetic

1:06:57

alphabets. They spell things how they think

1:06:59

they pronounce it. But speaking another language

1:07:01

that is phonetic, this would

1:07:03

never happen. So

1:07:06

yes, that's the point I'm trying to

1:07:08

make. So what Sean has done out

1:07:10

of kindness. Remember, it's not a toxic

1:07:12

podcast, John. Sean's a nice person. Has

1:07:15

written spagie,

1:07:18

S-P-A-E-G-I-E. I've

1:07:21

read it as gee. And then written

1:07:24

in brackets, pronounced S-P-A-Y-G-E-E.

1:07:28

I think that's spagie. Don't

1:07:31

in Scotland, don't say weegee as well, which is spelled a

1:07:34

bit like that. And that's a

1:07:36

with a G. This happens

1:07:38

a lot on cameos when

1:07:40

people try to phonetically write

1:07:42

their partner's names and

1:07:45

it actually creates more confusion. Okay. Well,

1:07:48

listen, it's we're a two for one where you think

1:07:50

it's spagie and I think it's spagie. So let's go

1:07:52

with spagie. Okay. We'll go with spagie

1:07:54

because that's how you would say gee geez if you're talking

1:07:56

about the horses, I think. Yeah. And

1:08:00

gee, if you were trying to get, if

1:08:02

you were trying to pronounce it gee, you

1:08:04

would write g h i e as in

1:08:06

gee. This

1:08:08

is the problem with the system, though. It's

1:08:11

a brilliant word and has no real English

1:08:13

alternative. If it was to be used in a

1:08:15

sentence, John could say, I did

1:08:18

a mega CrossFit workout yesterday and I'm

1:08:20

feeling really spagie today. Or

1:08:22

Ellis could say, I cycled to Brighton

1:08:24

yesterday and I don't feel spagie at

1:08:26

all. As fans of language and

1:08:28

dialect, I thought you'd enjoy. Thanks,

1:08:30

Sean. Sorry for telling you off for

1:08:33

most of that. I did enjoy that.

1:08:35

But I did enjoy it. And the

1:08:38

dialect and traditional culture of

1:08:40

Shetland fascinates me. And

1:08:43

it's such a gorgeous place. Oh

1:08:46

yeah, you went there, didn't you? Years ago. I

1:08:48

remember seeing the pictures on Facebook. No trees. Why?

1:08:52

Because they're the wind. Sean,

1:08:55

I would like more words from Shetland

1:08:57

because I am absolutely fascinated by that.

1:08:59

But get the phonetic. You should do

1:09:02

it like a proper travel show, Britain's

1:09:04

Dialects. Yeah, Doric in

1:09:06

Aberdeen. And

1:09:09

others. And there are others. So thanks everyone

1:09:11

for all your input and thanks for

1:09:13

listening. We'll be back on Tuesday. Hi,

1:09:24

I'm Graham Klass, host of

1:09:26

Technically Speaking and Intel Podcast.

1:09:28

Join me for season two

1:09:30

as we explore the future

1:09:33

of technology evolving today. In

1:09:35

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the minds transforming medicine, healthcare,

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more with the help of

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other Tuesday and explore the latest technology

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