42:00

schedule for training for a marathon

42:02

is rote. You know, your schedule is set for

42:04

18 weeks and it was really a way

42:07

for me to put some order into what felt

42:09

like a very disordered life. I

42:11

didn't start doing that until Jane's withdrawal, so I

42:13

think the connection is pretty clear. And

42:16

in the early years when I would run

42:18

the marathon, she and a couple people from

42:20

her office would walk down to a place

42:23

along the marathon route that was near where Dana Farmer's

42:25

and she would sort of cheer me on and I

42:27

would stop and I would, you know,

42:29

give her a big sweaty kiss on the cheek and

42:31

then keep running. And I would always

42:33

tease her about the fact that she ruined my marathon

42:35

times because I always stopped to give her a kiss.

42:38

And after a while she stopped doing that. In retrospect,

42:40

it was because she was getting weaker and weaker, but

42:42

I didn't really know at the time why

42:44

she had stopped doing that. But after

42:46

that episode on the bathroom floor, whenever

42:49

I would think about Jane coming down

42:51

to see me running in the marathon, I

42:54

would have this thought, you know, she's got breast cancer, she's going

42:56

to die of this and there's going to be a time when

42:58

I'm running by there and she's not going to be there. The

43:01

rare times that she was tender

43:04

were so meaningful that

43:07

her absence and the loss of

43:09

those few really tender moments was

43:11

something that would allow me to think about, you

43:14

know, sort of the dire consequences of what

43:17

she had confessed to. We'll

43:25

be back in a moment with more family secrets.

43:29

We started talking about this incident, drugs

43:32

and officials cover

43:35

up. You couldn't

43:37

believe it. The perfect cover

43:39

for Justin Rutherford to hide behind.

43:43

They led me into the house and I

43:45

mean, it was like a movie. He

43:47

was sitting at our kitchen table. The

43:50

cops were guarding him. Stacy

43:52

learned how far her husband would

43:55

go to save himself.

44:00

my bed. You know,

44:02

I just say I wish he was

44:04

dead. He actually gave details and explain

44:06

different scenarios on how to kill him.

44:09

He to me is scarier than

44:11

Jeffrey Dahmer. Listen

44:16

to betrayal on the iHeartRadio app

44:18

Apple podcasts or wherever you get

44:21

your podcasts. A

44:26

new season of Bridgerton is here

44:29

and with it a new season

44:31

of Bridgerton, the official podcast. I'm

44:34

your host Gabrielle Collins and this

44:36

season we are bringing fans even

44:39

deeper into the ton. Colin

44:41

Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad

44:43

is betrothal written in the

44:45

stars for the eligible Bachelor. Meanwhile,

44:48

the ton is reverberating with

44:50

speculation of who holds Lady

44:52

Whistledown's pen. We're discussing

44:55

it all. I sit down with Nicola Coughlin,

44:57

Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes and more

45:00

to offer an exclusive peek behind

45:02

the scenes of each episode of

45:04

the new season. Watch

45:06

season three of the Shonda land series

45:08

on Netflix. Then fall

45:11

in love all over again by

45:13

listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast

45:15

on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts

45:17

or wherever you get your podcasts.

45:20

Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.

45:49

They'll explore and listen to the

45:52

sounds of amazing places like farms,

45:55

race tracks, the

45:58

moon and even. construction

46:00

time. That's right Flippy. Follow your

46:02

ears, what do you hear? And

46:04

they'll meet you friends along the

46:07

way. Alongside Flippy and Mika, your

46:09

kids will learn awesome new things

46:11

about the places and things they

46:13

see and hear. It's

46:15

a fun, interactive listening experience for

46:18

the whole family. Listen to

46:20

Flippy and Mika's road trip on the

46:22

iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you

46:24

get your podcasts. From LinkedIn News, I'm

46:27

Jessi Hempel, host of the Hello Monday

46:29

podcast. In my 20s,

46:31

I knew what career success

46:33

looked like. In

46:35

midlife, it's not that simple.

46:38

I've been a journalist for

46:40

two decades, writing cover stories

46:42

for Businessweek, Fortune, and Wired.

46:44

And now, every Monday, I

46:47

bring you conversations with people who are

46:49

thinking deeply about work and where it

46:51

fits into our lives, like

46:53

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella on

46:55

growth mindsets. The learn it

46:58

all does better than the

47:00

know it all. Or MacArthur

47:02

Genius winner Angela Duckworth on

47:04

talent versus grit. Your long-term

47:07

effort and your long-term commitment

47:09

are surprisingly important. Each episode

47:11

delivers pragmatic advice for right

47:13

now. Listen to Hello Monday

47:15

on the iHeartRadio app Apple

47:18

Podcasts or wherever you get

47:20

your podcasts. About

47:29

two weeks after Jane's collapse in 2012,

47:32

Barrett makes yet another discovery.

47:35

While Jane is still in the ICU, Barrett

47:38

goes home to prepare for her discharge. He's

47:41

cleaning the bedroom and getting everything ready

47:43

for her homecoming and recovery when

47:45

a new secret presents itself. I

47:50

go to the top drawer in a dresser, which

47:52

is her underwear drawer, and I

47:54

start to clean it out and then in the back

47:56

behind her underwear, my hand hits these

1:06:00

I hadn't been in her closets for decades,

1:06:02

and I found shoes and

1:06:04

outfits I remembered from 30 years earlier that he

1:06:07

just hadn't thrown out. I mean, I ended up

1:06:09

piling big piles of boxes full of clothes

1:06:11

for Goodwill that were taller than I was

1:06:13

in our front hall. I

1:06:15

would come across things that she had left

1:06:17

behind. And, you know, a big part

1:06:20

of getting in touch with how I was really feeling about

1:06:22

things was that finally, like,

1:06:25

you know, maybe two weeks after Jane died, I asked

1:06:28

somebody for a referral to a therapist who

1:06:30

I've now been seeing for almost 11 years.

1:06:33

So what a relief to finally do that as

1:06:35

well. So

1:06:40

it's so interesting. You had such fidelity

1:06:42

to her secrets and

1:06:44

to not betraying them

1:06:46

at any point, even to

1:06:48

the point where keeping that information as much

1:06:51

as you possibly could,

1:06:53

private and within the hospital system where you

1:06:56

both worked. And now you've written

1:06:58

a book about it, and we're talking

1:07:00

about it. And many people will listen

1:07:03

to the story. And once

1:07:05

she was no longer living, you

1:07:07

were able to seek the conversation

1:07:09

and the help and the dialogue that you

1:07:12

needed to be able to have where you

1:07:15

no longer had to keep her secrets because she

1:07:17

was gone. Was there any hesitation

1:07:19

about that once she was gone? Or did

1:07:21

it really feel like, no, now I've been

1:07:23

living with this for so long. Was

1:07:26

it my right to tell this story and to

1:07:28

lighten my burden in some way? Oh

1:07:30

my God, Danny, there was so much reluctance, so

1:07:33

much. It took me almost

1:07:35

10 years after Jane's death

1:07:37

before this book was published. Initially

1:07:40

I would tell myself, I

1:07:42

should really write this down. But then I thought, why

1:07:44

would you do this? Because no one's ever going to

1:07:46

read this because you can't possibly publish

1:07:49

this or can't even show it to anybody. What

1:07:52

I thought about was that if I

1:07:54

were to write this, all of these

1:07:56

people who worshiped Jane, the

1:07:58

people that she mentored, people whose lives she

1:08:01

touched, they would be furious at me. She

1:08:04

wanted her seekers kept. She was a

1:08:06

private person. This would be a betrayal

1:08:09

of betrayals. And so

1:08:11

that was part of what sort of

1:08:13

stayed my hand. Eventually though, there were

1:08:15

two things I realized. One was that

1:08:19

by writing this down, it would allow

1:08:21

me to gain a little bit of control over

1:08:23

a 30-year period of

1:08:25

my life, which I had very little control. This was

1:08:28

a way of sort of helping

1:08:30

me understand what I had done, helping

1:08:32

me understand the secrets and why I

1:08:34

had kept secrets, what the

1:08:36

motivation was for being complicit in those secrets. I

1:08:38

didn't tell anybody else, it was my secret too.

1:08:41

That was part of it. But I think also

1:08:44

I came to this realization maybe seven or

1:08:46

eight years after she died that, you

1:08:49

know, it's my story too. It's not just

1:08:51

Jane's story. I get to

1:08:53

tell my story if I want to tell my story. And

1:08:56

I can tell it in a way that

1:08:58

I hope will make it clear that I

1:09:00

loved Jane and that she loved me and

1:09:02

that this isn't at horror

1:09:05

a betrayal of secrets.

1:09:07

It's a description. I tell

1:09:10

people the underlying story here is

1:09:12

somebody keeping a big, huge,

1:09:15

neglected breast mass a

1:09:17

secret for years and years until, you know, it

1:09:19

was too late to do anything about it. And

1:09:21

she's oncologist, by the way, you know, and brilliant

1:09:23

by the way, you know, it's very lurid. But

1:09:26

the core story is a

1:09:28

story of the marriage. And it's a

1:09:31

story about the deals that we

1:09:33

make with each other in couples, the deals that

1:09:35

couples make with each other and the sort of

1:09:37

arrangements that they make, most of

1:09:39

which are not explicit in

1:09:42

order to stay together for 30 years. And

1:09:44

if you strip out the lurid aspects, that's

1:09:47

what it's about. And it really has to do

1:09:49

with what secrets are acceptable, which ones aren't, which

1:09:51

ones can you talk about with, you know, the

1:09:53

person that you're in a fully ideal with and

1:09:56

which ones can't you talk about. And

1:09:58

pretty personally, that's where I think I... I

1:10:00

justify saying these

1:10:02

things. And you know, before I published it,

1:10:04

I showed typescripts to

1:10:06

some of the people that Jane had trained.

1:10:08

And I was really,

1:10:11

you can't imagine how nervous I was about this. In

1:10:13

writing about things that have been secrets, everybody I think feels

1:10:15

the same way. But the shocker

1:10:17

was that almost all of them said, oh, you

1:10:19

needed to do this. And they would

1:10:22

start telling me things about Jane that they, you

1:10:24

know, things that they didn't understand and couldn't explain

1:10:26

and said, you need to talk about this. I

1:10:28

do have one person who kind of trolls my

1:10:31

social media accounts and says that I'm being a

1:10:33

terrible person. But everybody else is sort of on

1:10:35

board. Well, there's always one. And

1:10:37

I'm so glad you just said that about marriage,

1:10:39

because that's how I see this story as well.

1:10:47

Barrett's story is not only about

1:10:50

his marriage to Jane, however. It's

1:10:52

a story of another marriage, too.

1:10:56

Believe it or not, it's a happy

1:10:58

story. I

1:11:01

described Jane as being a medical student who came

1:11:03

on to the hospital where I was at. There

1:11:06

were actually two medical students that arrived. The same

1:11:08

day, they were classmates. And as I said, I

1:11:10

oversaw two teams, one that I ran myself and

1:11:12

then one that was run by a junior resident

1:11:15

who kind of technically reported to me, but not

1:11:17

really. Jane was on the other

1:11:19

team, the junior resident's team. The

1:11:21

student that came onto my team, his name was Lynn,

1:11:24

was the best medical student

1:11:26

I'd ever had. She

1:11:28

was really smart, incredibly

1:11:31

hard worker, really fun to work with. It turned

1:11:33

out that the students need to be on call

1:11:36

every third night as well. And her schedule was

1:11:38

such that she was on call

1:11:40

the same night as I was. So we would

1:11:42

work together. And I would teach her stuff. And

1:11:44

I'd help her with the patients that she was

1:11:46

being assigned, and stay at all hours and taking

1:11:48

care of things. And she

1:11:50

was great. She was funny. And she was

1:11:52

very confident. And those rotations last a couple

1:11:54

of months. And on the last night we

1:11:56

were on call together, we'd had a particularly

1:11:58

busy night. of sick

1:12:01

patients being admitted. It was about four

1:12:03

o'clock in the morning, and

1:12:05

we were sitting in the nursing station

1:12:07

on one of our wards writing up

1:12:09

our admission notes. She suddenly turned to

1:12:11

me and Lynn said, listen, I need to talk to you about

1:12:14

something. I said, fine, what do you want

1:12:16

to talk about? She said, no, I can't talk to you about it here.

1:12:18

She said, well, what do you want to do? She said, follow

1:12:20

me. That ward was a

1:12:22

long, long hallway with a window at the end.

1:12:25

We walked down to the window and it's completely

1:12:27

black. Yeah, it's four o'clock in the morning, so

1:12:29

patients are sleeping in the lights are off. So

1:12:31

we sit in the windowsill and Lynn turns to

1:12:34

me and says, listen, I

1:12:36

have to tell you something. She said, fine. And

1:12:39

she told me something that no

1:12:41

woman had ever told me before and no one has ever told

1:12:43

me since. She said, I'm really attracted

1:12:45

to you and I wonder if we should do something

1:12:47

about that. I was unbelievably

1:12:50

flattered. I said to her, oh, Lynn,

1:12:52

you know, I think you're amazing, but didn't

1:12:54

you tell me that you're engaged to be

1:12:56

married and your wedding is taking place in

1:12:58

like two months? And she

1:13:01

said, yeah. I said, well, you know, I'm not going

1:13:03

to get into the middle of that. You really should

1:13:05

think about this. Plus, I've already

1:13:07

asked out your classmate Jane and

1:13:10

to Lynn's credit, she just

1:13:12

kind of rolled with it and said, yeah, I suppose you're right.

1:13:14

And things didn't get awkward.

1:13:16

We spent the next three or four days as she

1:13:18

finished up her rotation. It was absolutely fine. And then

1:13:20

she went off and she got married and I, you

1:13:22

know, took out Jane, but

1:13:24

that was an unusual event. And I would

1:13:27

think about it over the next several

1:13:29

decades. I had a friend who had sort

1:13:31

of a quantitative turn of mind that

1:13:34

I told this story to us. He said, oh, so

1:13:36

how often did you think about it? Was it once

1:13:38

a year? Was it four times a year? Was it 10 times

1:13:40

a year? And I told him

1:13:43

what he could do with his questions. But I

1:13:45

did think about this every so often. So after

1:13:47

Jane died, I was not interested in seeing anybody.

1:13:49

I figured, you know, before I examine

1:13:51

things really closely, I thought, you know, I'd had a

1:13:53

long, wonderful marriage. Many people don't even get that. I

1:13:55

don't want to try this again. The casserole

1:13:57

ladies would come by and I just was not interested.