I do not have a son. This is a series of life lessons and anecdotes I am passing on to potential future man-sprogs because I am aware that my memory is fading fast and that one day I'll be too dead to pass on my most useful tidbits.

This is directed towards dinkle-equipped progeny largely because I have not yet enjoyed living life and learning its lessons as a lady-person. If I should be given that chance in the future I will do my utmost to redress the balance.

I do not expect you will agree with everything I have to tell him, in fact I expect a lot of people will be shocked and appalled, but these stories represent the truth as I wish it had been presented to me when I was young.

I am making this public for your entertainment.

I look forward to reading your comments, although I should make it clear that there are few opinions in the world I respect and the chances are yours is not one of them. 80% of you are, statistically-speaking, morons.

When that 80% become paying customers I will humour them and tell them their opinions were thought-provoking, but until that time I shall probably mock and dismiss them as the mouth-breathing plebs they are.

To the other 20%, you deserve an opinion and I congratulate you on that. Feel free to share it, if, in doing so, you can prove, or at least imply, that you are a member of that 20%.