0:00

For most people, one of the gray

0:02

goals or dreams in life is to

0:04

find Life is like the worst kept

0:06

secret in the world. That. This

0:08

is the thing that we all really, really

0:10

one. Mcnamara.

0:28

Sort. Of girl that he welcome back. You know

0:30

I like Lane about the other day thing i

0:32

you access at that one time. What?

0:34

Recently yeah as like a humiliate people

0:37

like him or oh you don't any

0:39

register they are not sucky is keeping

0:41

you have a nice yeah really I've

0:43

been thinking about it. There's also the

0:45

first time I'm wearing a dress to

0:47

record and six and at happier oh

0:49

my god or time my just posses

0:51

out dress crazy riot at sonogram like.

0:53

Would. You are in into their underwear Haiti's oh guy

0:56

and three according I'm I'm obsessed. Their shoes today thank

0:58

you so much because they're brand new they're fresh. I'm

1:00

glad because this is a white rog and I saw

1:02

she's and I was like oh my god because behoove

1:04

who will Yeah so these are my it brand new

1:07

air max's I were air max is a high school

1:09

I love them so I was like i want you

1:11

to param axes. And you know.

1:14

Sparkling. Such a sneaker guy and like

1:16

he's bought me sneakers and like were like a

1:18

sneaker couple and so I told him that I

1:20

got these air Max's and he was like ultimately

1:22

you know semi of heck like wearing nothing but

1:24

they are Max's and I'm like you think you're

1:27

kidding but you know, do it And so I

1:29

took like a full node with I just the

1:31

sneakers on Loss I'd ever. I've got a little

1:33

like. A Mogi it because I was

1:35

accounted for Forty want to do for pussies but

1:37

if he opens it at work you know like

1:39

whatever and my son it was emerges I reposted

1:41

your way for a cool I just think of

1:43

your like I'm spicy but I like little tiny

1:45

I don't know I just what time of the

1:47

day with that I fired off when he was

1:49

at work with a nudes retained. Go the I

1:51

like it was that Abbott and it's hey of

1:53

new gotta save like an original version of it's

1:55

they're like I'm not at work and to jerk

1:57

off to a later but you gotta write work

1:59

hours. emoji but teeny tiny like little

2:02

tiny little honey pot like right at the vagina

2:04

in my mind if you let me guess I

2:06

was going white heart I like

2:09

the honey the honey pot and then I love

2:11

that like crazy satanic devil

2:13

face like the red the red one

2:15

yeah but it's like teeny tiny over

2:17

my nipples honestly just to be funny

2:20

and like fired it off and it's so you guys

2:23

go to YouTube for the photo it's

2:26

weird to wear just sneakers like to

2:28

being fully naked and just wear sneakers

2:30

is so funny I

2:40

mean it's gonna be sexy no

2:42

matter what because he had

2:44

sent me a new day that I was like wow

2:47

the framer the whole thing but

2:54

I'm telling you not all guys are good at

2:56

this is an art form I know like I

2:59

think it's an art form most women have

3:01

down but guys like do

3:03

you have guys you can speak of that sent

3:05

you like really good nudes guys you could speak

3:07

of you know I'm saying oh

3:09

that guy who was a bartender in Tampa that

3:12

I thought oh right right right perfect body

3:14

just like it

3:18

looks like it was from the internet no I think that guys

3:20

I think it's really hard for them to send news I think

3:22

don't even know what to say half the time when you send

3:24

a nude so like the fire went off back my ex you

3:26

should that whole joke about heist like request nudes from him and

3:29

like yeah how uncomfortable he was because I said him so

3:31

many and he like never knew what to do and like

3:34

I had to be like just get your dick hard like

3:36

grab it in your pants like we'll start there and he

3:38

like did that joke about it for years I was like

3:40

are we gonna write new material no

3:43

I think there needs to be like a masterclass for

3:45

guys on how to do this it's hard

3:48

it's like corny well that's the

3:50

thing you don't want them to be taking

3:52

themselves too seriously but some

3:54

guys do nail it are you

3:56

looking for a sitting down angle I don't want

3:58

to give away my I feel like this is too

4:01

personal. He doesn't want me to give him away his secret. Remember that

4:03

guy that sent me the Dropbox of nudes. I was looking through the

4:05

other day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 16

4:07

nudes this guy sent me. OK,

4:10

thinking of all of those, he did do some

4:12

where he was sitting down. That can be a

4:14

nice angle. That guy had a few sitting down,

4:16

but his balls were resting on the chair. It's

4:18

kind of funny. So

4:21

anyway, these are my air maxes. OK,

4:26

we've got to talk about these partners. OK,

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slash GGE. OK, so

5:19

Raina, I'd like one to tell you this thing. I went

5:21

to an Earth Day themed yoga class. It said on the

5:23

schedule, listen, it said Earth Day. I was like, what are

5:25

they going to do? You laugh yesterday when I woke you

5:27

up. I was like, hi, happy Earth Day. Listen, here, ma'am.

5:30

I go to an Earth Day themed yoga class. I'm like, what

5:32

are they going to do? Play Heal the World by Michael Jackson?

5:34

That's like the only song I can think of. Or are they

5:36

just going to do a bunch of tree poses? Like, what are

5:38

we going to do? Right? Tree pose the whole thing. That's so

5:41

funny. I didn't care. I was like,

5:43

I love a themed class no matter what. But

5:45

I walk in, and I check in

5:47

at the front desk. And as I'm like walking

5:49

away from the front desk to go put my stuff in

5:51

the locker, she goes, oh, happy Earth Day? How

5:55

do you respond to that? And

5:58

to you as well. Oh

6:02

thank you. Thank you. I

6:06

do to thank you and then I just watched

6:08

the law firm with what has happened. Is

6:12

out a super How do you respond to have

6:14

the Earth Day? It's not like happy Valentine's Day,

6:16

Happy Easter like you can see you to you

6:18

to. Get this

6:21

nothing else or say themed nothing else.

6:23

it says his overall you She's like

6:25

here's my thing happened I don't care

6:27

I'll say by name I think for

6:29

Power was like hey Bianca do an

6:31

earth they seem the oh god she

6:33

was like what offs probably didn't have

6:35

time to pull. Together didn't have time to write

6:37

a bunch of Montrose, put in a bunch poses and

6:39

the make music for it since she probably does. Every

6:41

time someone checked it was like so happy Earth Day

6:44

And like that was the extent of for Earth Day

6:46

in Glasgow. Nothing

6:49

every nothing else is our says she likes

6:51

it or the same class and then nothing.

6:53

They could have gone like organic bamboo mass.

6:57

Everybody. Has to be green and brown

6:59

together. Alec everything is recycled. like they

7:01

could have done something. I thought you

7:03

know from theme parks and from doing

7:05

like voice evidence as it's music. Something.

7:08

It'll be music but what music Also like what's

7:10

these about recycling assess assess so a where I

7:13

just sort of very funny because the way I

7:15

just had a stroke when she's a happy earth

7:17

day to me of how I rather sit. Reasons

7:19

why would you know about this I thought about

7:22

for days I got a massage the other day

7:24

I walk and and there's like three girl standing

7:26

at the france to roll checking the and there's

7:28

like one girl off the sides and she's like

7:31

for your this our site again and then I

7:33

see a roast in right as the clearly the

7:35

mysterious and they go or with his for years

7:37

and I'm. Take you back and she was

7:39

still in there for a few as it's I

7:42

meant to go oh it's yell like Design I've

7:44

been with her before I and I go oh

7:46

it's me. As

7:48

and just one that into the back

7:50

we never dollars. I said it now,

7:53

lied about it, the whole massage oh

7:55

it's made. Up

7:58

fucked up, Oh,

8:01

and I said it with a lot of conviction.

8:03

I meant like, I've seen her before, she's massaged

8:05

me before. Like I meant to be like, oh

8:07

my gosh, it's you. I'm excited. Nope. Oh,

8:10

it's me. Oh my God. Oh my God. She's

8:13

like, that girl. And she just turned around and walked

8:15

in. I thought about it the whole massage. Totally. I

8:17

was like, do I acknowledge this? Yeah. It's

8:19

like I told the Uber driver to also have

8:21

a good flight. It was so humiliating. What I

8:23

find myself doing sometimes is like turning to someone

8:26

that you think is someone that you're with and

8:28

go, oh, you're not my friend. Just

8:31

to look someone straight in the face, like you're not my friend.

8:34

Have you ever done that? You're not my

8:36

friend. Like so, you've never done that?

8:38

Like I think you're right next to me and

8:41

I go, oh, sorry, you're not my friend. Yeah,

8:43

I guess I've done it. I think it's really,

8:45

it's really, it's so rude. I

8:47

have a question. Do you think you're my

8:49

friend that I talk to all day, every day? Do

8:52

you think my lisp has been less in the last

8:54

month or is, am I imagining it? Yeah,

8:56

yeah, yeah, with your jaw beans. I feel like

8:58

my lisp has like lessened a little bit in

9:00

the last month because of the jaw lipo. Yeah,

9:02

but that was the whole thing. I thought you

9:04

had more of it with that and now it's

9:06

getting corrected, right? I didn't get jaw lipo to

9:09

have less of a lisp. Is

9:11

that a thing? I don't know why I would

9:13

affect it. You mean less of a lisp than

9:15

before the surgery? Yeah. Like I

9:17

think you're still, still just as lispy. You're

9:19

a little mumbly today. Okay. When

9:21

we started, I was just like, can I get

9:24

options? I have a big tongue. I

9:26

think that's part of my issue. I'm giving you an

9:28

Andrew Collins. It's a lazy big tongue. Like sometimes I

9:30

watch myself talk and I don't see it as much

9:32

because I must be like working

9:35

my tongue a little stronger those days when I watch

9:37

myself, but I think I do have a lazy tongue.

9:39

Maybe. Okay, so just confirming. I

9:41

think you're back to homeostasis.

9:45

Lisp. Yeah, like back to pre-surgery.

9:47

Okay, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Post-surgery I

9:49

was laughing about paralysis on the side of

9:51

my face a little bit. Yeah. So

9:53

if you guys are new here, I had lipo all over my jaw. I don't know. It's

9:56

still a full one. We're Getting there. No, no,

9:58

no, it takes a while. I can take

10:00

months. I have my checking with October

10:03

estate and he said I've been will

10:05

say I'm playing in front of a

10:07

perfect I love to hear it is

10:09

over We get into at a reminder

10:11

Mother's Day is coming up May at

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twelve for all the mommy's out there

10:15

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you've less than s leave your mom with

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10:53

But enough of We got my mom the

10:55

Raina for this past Christmas and I wanted

10:57

ran to give it to her to the

10:59

successes you know by put our names on

11:01

and I got my at the Ashley's and

11:03

then has a got her mom. would you

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get hurt The arena the Rain Us Yeah

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so we think Oliver Twist can be for

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this it very easy turn on it vibrates

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on your hot spots and then I mean.

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like. This anonymous sissy boomer mom's

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like our moms have no experience. I'm gonna

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hey sucked out our power yeah exactly It's a

12:00

little Father's Day gift too. But we just really

12:02

wanted to hype vibes only for Mother's Day this

12:04

year. And just for all the moms, I mean,

12:06

moms just, you know, they gave you the gift

12:08

of life, give them the gift of pleasure. Amen,

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12:19

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12:21

your baby mama. Yes, oh yeah. Any women in

12:23

your lives that are moms, we really encourage it.

12:26

And I think it's just a great gift. For

12:28

even just like moms to be like, we're talking like

12:31

baby shower gifts or something like that. It's just like,

12:33

you're gonna want that. Cause I feel like the whole

12:35

thing with like, especially with newer moms is all they

12:37

want is just like some time to themselves. You know

12:39

what I mean? Especially if they're raising like babies, young

12:41

children. I mean, you know, kids of all ages. But

12:43

sometimes all they want is like send me to a

12:46

hotel. You know, let me go get a massage, get

12:48

my hair done. And this can

12:50

be the accoutrement for that. Go masturbate. Yeah,

12:52

now's the time to get them a selfless

12:54

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12:57

them have orgasms. So those moms and you know,

12:59

60 plus, like they're loving

13:01

it. I loved it recently. I

13:03

think this was Cosmo a couple months ago did

13:05

their whole issue of like sex over 60, I

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believe. And just kind of like a lot of

13:10

people don't think about women of a certain age

13:12

as wanting sex or pleasure or orgasm

13:14

and stuff. And I love that they really like focused

13:16

on that. And so I just think it's a great

13:18

time to talk about like an

13:20

older demo and everybody wants

13:23

pleasure. Yeah. Your parts

13:25

still work. You never age out of wanting to have

13:27

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13:33

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13:46

One other thing. I had to set my list last week

13:48

and I had forgotten to say that

13:51

when we went to Hawaii, we flew Hawaiian Airlines

13:53

on the way there. I did a whole like

13:55

review on how late that airline is on

13:58

my Instagram story. I couldn't get over it. The wifi, everything. free.

14:00

It was better than any. It was stronger than why

14:02

I thought it was like Earth. Earth than quite hours

14:04

in the bathroom. Yeah. Flowers in the bathroom. The food

14:06

was like on point. Like everybody's wearing Hawaiian shirts and

14:09

like, but they said, I've never heard this on a

14:11

plane. If you're on a red eye and

14:13

stuff, they'll tell you to like lower your window shade or whatever.

14:15

But they said mid day, they said, lower

14:17

your window shade for a more restful vibe.

14:19

I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's

14:21

right. Go all the way off Hawaiian airlines.

14:23

Because if you are new around here, my

14:25

whole personality is based around my passion for

14:27

lowered window shades. Yeah. And if people want

14:29

to, she'll text me about it on the

14:31

plane. She hates it. She wants to rest.

14:33

I am the problem. I've come around a

14:35

little bit because you're sitting near me and

14:37

you do want to be a little darker.

14:39

I do. I want to watch the clouds

14:41

for hours. I'm

14:45

just like, there's a cloud. There's another cloud. Like I

14:47

like to walk like a visceral. Yeah.

14:51

I like to watch us take off when it's bumpy. I

14:53

like to know that we're in the first layer of clouds.

14:55

Then you're in the middle of the second layer of clouds.

14:57

I like to watch all of it happen. And then I'm

15:00

usually listening to a podcast. What am I supposed to look

15:02

at the back of a seat? I don't understand. I don't

15:04

understand. I feel like I feel like I'm starting to feel

15:06

reactive in my body. Like, oh my God, I'm feeling like

15:08

anger towards you because you're like representing all these other people

15:11

that I like fucking hate. And listen, don't be honest about

15:13

this. Go back and see the clip we posted on this

15:15

years ago and pop off in the comments. They're hilarious because

15:17

people are divided down the middle, right? But like, I can't

15:19

understand it because I also have sensitive eyes and like,

15:22

you just want to burn out your retinas. I

15:24

don't get it. You're putting a glare on everyone

15:26

else's screens. You're just, I fucking hate it so

15:28

much. And the fact that they were like, everyone

15:30

put your window shades down. I was like, amazing.

15:33

And then I have to tell you that have you watched

15:35

the curb series finale yet? No, not yet. All right. Well,

15:37

I'm just going to tell you, and this is not really

15:39

a spoiler. I love a spoiler. I love the last place

15:41

of a book all the time. I guess this is sort

15:43

of a spoiler. So skip ahead. If you don't want to

15:45

know what happens at the very last 30 seconds

15:47

of curb. So the he dies. Larry

15:49

died. It's a Boeing and the window opens

15:52

and he flies out. No, no. So Caribbean

15:54

through says in one of our favorite shows,

15:56

we love Larry. We have hung out with him. I

15:58

feel like he is my inner monologue at all times. And

16:00

the series finale of The Whole Fucking

16:02

Shell Twelve Seasons is him on a

16:05

plane at the very end yelling across.

16:07

To Susie to shut her window shade. I

16:10

was a italy. The fact that

16:12

this show ends with something that

16:14

is my defining personality characteristics. I

16:17

couldn't believe it. He is he. oh you are

16:19

Larry Larry as you. I hated so much when

16:21

everyone lowered it on the Hawaiian Airlines flight. the

16:23

woman in front of us didn't That was the

16:25

only one. She's pregnant yeah but I was like

16:27

maybe she's like I have to look outside or

16:29

something for my baby on. I don't like it

16:32

and I broke a window seat so I can

16:34

be in charge. I do that at a time

16:36

because I fry refuse not be in charge you

16:38

a widow. However, I am aware that he wants

16:40

sleep in the morning as fly in the morning.

16:42

You are not. Be a fucking dick. Are you

16:44

put it down yet? You're fine but

16:46

I know hearing all about looking at the

16:48

clouds I said i'm five of them scary

16:50

you know the or get off a be

16:52

like can you fucking saw finish out that

16:54

I think I told this before but I

16:56

was on the long flights and on him.

16:58

Now me because like across the pond or

17:00

whatever and people were trying to sleep and

17:02

there was one asshole and like the lay

17:05

flat cabin with their window open and they

17:07

were sleeping which. Nothing

17:09

makes me more upset like you'd think to shut it

17:11

for the rest of us and I want to run

17:13

shot at. I got them innovation. And the poor plan

17:15

to let everyone know if it's so funny. I'm

17:18

Susie talk new much me trying to reach over

17:20

person like you can like bad at shot with

17:22

your arm your arms are the mine. I went

17:24

across the plains. I. Was

17:27

in like susan like eight A they were

17:29

in two F I will grow. Up

17:34

I flew. I went all the way around. It

17:36

was like a huge point. I went up, through

17:38

and around and down the other. I'll shut it.

17:43

Or you don't I just. Went

17:45

over across. As

17:48

to. Solve all

17:50

our that. Wasn't

17:53

a sexy. You. Like

17:56

still progressive about up knowing that it's

17:58

have no idea until. to work on it

18:00

because even my boyfriend said to me recently he was like you

18:03

really get fixated on something you can't let go. Yeah

18:06

I'm working on it. Also

18:10

when you told me you said that I was like you guys

18:13

just meet wait

18:15

you know what it was about? It

18:19

was about being at this

18:21

restaurant and I just felt like they had

18:23

to shut the curtains because it

18:25

was like a low sexy vibe and the sun was just

18:27

setting it was this amazing place bar monette and the vibe

18:29

in there was so dimly lit and mint mint sexy and

18:31

they just had their curtains open and I felt like it

18:34

wasn't dark enough in there and I couldn't get past it

18:36

and I just on the fifth time when I was like

18:38

god this would be so perfect if they would just shut

18:40

the curtains he was like you really get

18:43

fixated on things don't you? It's the

18:45

same thing of like an open shade.

18:48

She's not a Karen but it's funny what she does is

18:50

stuff one time I told the story on

18:52

the podcast and I didn't try to but it was my

18:54

favorite thing I ever witnessed. I was at the beach for

18:56

like an hour and a half with your dad and there

18:58

was like this music we don't go alone at the beach

19:00

together I was on a family vacation actually but there was

19:02

this music playing and it was like really loud and disruptive

19:05

and like we just kept talking shit about how annoying it

19:07

was and you showed up at the beach and you just

19:09

turned it off. I

19:13

was talking shit to everybody they were in the

19:15

ocean and you just walked over. Half

19:17

the family went in the ocean and this one guy

19:19

was asleep under the umbrella and I went and leaned

19:21

over him and turned it off. I posted a TikTok

19:23

about this a couple summers ago and a lot of

19:25

people popped off in the comments and like we're being

19:27

so rude saying like oh you sound like a lot

19:29

of fun whatever I think it's so rude to play

19:31

music really loud on the beach. I think when people

19:33

do things that if everyone did it it would be

19:35

like a huge problem in a cluster I find it

19:37

like really rude like the same as like playing something

19:39

loud from your phone in a restaurant

19:41

or like on a plane or anything like that

19:43

like just you're being disruptive in a public

19:45

place I find it like very rude. What

19:48

if everyone had their music on it like

19:50

a full blast that would be insane. Well

19:52

I always think about okay who needs supersede

19:54

others right and it's like does

19:56

your need to listen to music at an

19:58

extreme volume supersede other people. people's need

20:00

to enjoy a quiet, nice day at the

20:02

beach. And the same thing with the window

20:04

shade. Does your need to have this up

20:07

supersede the rest of the plane? You're probably

20:09

affecting 20 other people. So you're just being

20:11

an asshole. Listen, I'm part of the

20:13

problem sometimes. But if you really need to look out

20:15

and see the clouds or whatever, but the loud music

20:17

on the beach, I think it's so crazy. I guess

20:19

there's some scenarios you're in Panama City, that's the vibe.

20:22

When we used to go on Adult Spring Break, we

20:24

would set up a DJ set on the beach. Whatever,

20:26

that's different. You're in a nice family

20:29

beach or you're just in Santa Monica or whatever.

20:31

What are you doing? I'm in Santa. You

20:33

think you get to DJ the beach? And then if

20:35

it's like heavy metal, I'll call the cops. It's usually

20:37

not music I wanna hear. I just wanna care any too. I

20:40

never call the cops. I just go over and turn off

20:42

myself. I always say this to the show, I like traveling with

20:44

you because you'll do the stuff that I'm thinking about. I'm a

20:46

Jewish mom. It's how

20:48

Jared talks about it and it's special. Then if

20:50

that lady comes up from the escalator, she's like,

20:52

what's going on here? He

20:55

said they always just complain. His mom's always like,

20:57

it's cold in here. Is it cold in here?

20:59

Everybody's cold? I was taking a Peloton ride, it

21:01

was just pink. She was on a plane and

21:03

he's like, two men behind her were just talking

21:06

so loudly that she got into it. I'm just

21:08

like, stop talking. She's like, why do

21:10

you think you get to talk loud on a plane? I hate when people talk loud

21:12

and they're near me. I hate it. I know. I

21:14

hate when I sit down on a plane and two people are friends next to

21:16

me. I'm like, god damn, I have to listen to the sound of your fucking

21:19

voice. We're trying to rest here. Yeah. Put

21:21

your window shade down for a restful environment. Hawaiian

21:24

Airlines. Anyways, Hawaiian Airlines.

21:26

But I want to say one more thing because we talked

21:28

about our Hawaii trip last week and I do feel like

21:30

I kind of said this thing about

21:32

Hawaii that I openly said, I sound like an idiot.

21:34

I was just like, how did we get them? And

21:37

I think I'm just very, we went there and we

21:39

loved it so much and I felt like my

21:41

vibe on it is like, I can't believe this

21:43

is part of America. We're so lucky that we

21:46

can travel here so easily and without a passport.

21:48

But I do realize that it came off kind

21:51

of ignorant. I got a few messages about it,

21:53

nothing crazy. But I want to speak about things

21:56

and be culturally sensitive. I

21:58

understand that that's a long. Long

22:00

history. And it's. A. Sensitive

22:02

topic and there's a lot

22:04

of Native Hawaiians. Past. And

22:06

present who. Aren't thrilled that are

22:08

part of the U and I like wanna pay respect

22:10

that know just feel like a mountain to get into

22:12

a history lesson here. I should probably brush it myself

22:14

but we promoter to why we tell people to go

22:16

there and if I'm going to be some me that

22:19

people are looking to for like to their displays that

22:21

I just want to speak about and like a respectful

22:23

town so that's like the one thing I want to

22:25

say. I mean I think when you travel rain and

22:27

I really always want to be respectful of the culture

22:29

When we went there we went to this luau that

22:31

was like hosted by licking of for generations of the

22:33

swine family and that's what we learned lot about the

22:35

culture and we'd. Just. Kind of told you about

22:37

throwing up on a boat but I think we went there

22:39

and really wouldn't like appreciate. And. Be respectful

22:41

and like support the community and stuff like that

22:43

to self I don't I like listening back. I

22:45

was just like I always just wanna check myself

22:47

on south of I don't like the way something

22:49

came across and not come across as ignorant even

22:52

on the first person to say that I sound

22:54

like an idiot and we just. Loved.

22:56

Hawaii we really have a lot are

22:58

supported. Me when the Malley wildfires happened. Alec poses

23:00

a tide doted a ton of money and you

23:03

know they are part of the U S but

23:05

I realize it's like different to and that it

23:07

is. Sensitive. And like a

23:09

long history there so subtle I went to that about

23:11

our did i will go back so but he

23:13

like it's a place I'm like I see this it

23:15

in my life as a place that I really want

23:18

to like go back and always like be respectful

23:20

traveler. Said and if you guys are

23:22

listening to that on Monday I want address

23:24

you guys to the Vial Files. Ashley and

23:26

I are over at the Vile Filed Nick

23:28

Files podcast Reality Greenhouse today so we are

23:30

so say to be there and I love

23:32

that show so much I'm such a family

23:34

lives in every week he was have are

23:36

cowards half ass but you couldn't access he

23:38

retired all kinds of south so love is

23:40

blind or bash on Bravo shows or hundreds

23:42

about Bravo shows south check that out. Also

23:44

asinine during a full girls going to take

23:46

over I don't were so so you were

23:48

so honored. We just got a solid and.

23:50

Then I'm just like existence. Hopefully it'll a cosa es

23:53

okay quick break and and will get back into I

23:55

think I'm so excited. Talked about Okay I'm gonna tell

23:57

you guys that quince and I do want to say.

24:00

If you have like my shirt last week

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it was from plants and I didn't say

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a because they weren't when a parent or

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slightly may that like kind of the next

24:08

sleeveless. Sweater. So soft, so

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good for like transitional spring weather because

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the weather is getting warmer so it

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is him to say goodbye, jackets and

24:16

flutters hello to shorts and keys. Dresses:

24:18

Okay, so this silk dress. I have

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it in the short version and like

24:23

the maybe longer version. And then they

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have this silk skirt like I love

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when I'm buying clothes and whatnot so you can

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excited to wear these dresses like out with the

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with like a leather jacket a little much variety

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of our yeah it's just incredible. So those the

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things I really wanna like pop off about and

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of course they just have great lakes that that

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I just happen to my fridge I'm so

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excited it's is full of like yummy things

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because I just placed my hunger in order

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to just came center so adult. Like

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a fridge full run? Yeah, Like when you have

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a fridge full of stuff. like and it looks

25:52

like you're going to cook that week. And you

25:55

have some prepared stuff like you to feel so grown on.

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My grandma to the grocery store that often than the

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Okay, so you want to tell me something. I wanna

28:00

break this down. So I

28:02

saw this and I didn't know about

28:04

this. I saw this on like an elite daily post

28:06

where Taylor Swift is back in the,

28:08

was she ever gone? Well, it's just with the new album

28:11

and stuff like that, which if you're a Swifty, you don't

28:13

need to break down the album for you. I've been like

28:15

listening to it off and on. I don't have a lot

28:17

of thoughts right now. I gotta catch up cause I'm going

28:19

to Wembley. I'm going to London and I'm gonna see her

28:21

there. Oh yeah, you're gonna go see her. I'm so excited.

28:24

I was gonna do Amsterdam now, I'm doing London. Yeah, I can't really

28:26

speak on the album. It hasn't been like kind of priority to listen

28:28

to it front to back. That's no shade. You know

28:30

we love front to back. Well, you know like Beyonce, it's

28:32

not within my realm to be like, oh, I'm still kind

28:34

of listening to it. Like the Beyonce album came out, I'm

28:36

listening to it on the spot. I actually opened up my

28:39

eyes and turned it on immediately. But Spotify sent me push

28:41

notifications. I listened to it at like

28:43

9 p.m. Then I, you know, we came out of the

28:45

12, midnight on the East Coast. Like I'm listening to it,

28:47

me and Taylor voice know back and forth about it. Like

28:49

that's, you know, that's my, I'm Beyonce girl. Taylor Swift, I

28:51

just haven't listened to it in full. I don't know if

28:53

it's gonna be one of my favorites. I'm a 1989 girl

28:56

followed by reputation,

28:58

followed by folklore. So you got that

29:00

ranking. But

29:04

anyway, we've been busy lately 31 songs. She's

29:06

so generous. So she's back in the news, like your whole

29:09

feed, whatever. And I saw this thing and I was like,

29:11

what is it? And it said Elite Daily. And the headline

29:13

was, was Joe Alwyn sitting in the

29:15

booth really so bad? And I didn't know this

29:17

whole thing. And it basically says two Elite Daily

29:19

staffers debate the infamous booth gate incident between Alwyn

29:21

and Taylor Swift. So basically all that happened was

29:24

that, I don't know about this at all. They

29:26

were just seen in a restaurant in New Orleans

29:28

and he was on the booth side. And

29:31

the pictures are very uncomfortable. Taylor is up in

29:33

the chair. So she's, you know, she's so tall.

29:35

She's a bit like me. And so she

29:37

just kind of looks so uncomfortable and he's just

29:39

chilling in the booth. People went crazy. They like

29:41

villainized him for it. That's a great date. I

29:43

wanna discuss booth boyfriends. But before that, I do

29:45

wanna say there is certainly a problem which Taylor

29:47

was like, I don't wanna face the restaurant. The

29:49

grandest, right? They were in a very well lit public restaurant.

29:51

So you know what you're getting into, but I can see

29:54

a world in which you're like, I feel like we'll get

29:56

everybody. But also she looked very

29:58

like physically uncomfortable. She's hunched over. chair,

30:00

everybody's walking by no matter what, seeing them,

30:02

whatever. But who knows what went down? So I'm

30:04

not villainizing Joe Allen, unless of course

30:06

he's the guy that slides into the booth first. But this really

30:08

made me want to open up a conversation about booth

30:11

boyfriends. Okay, here's

30:13

my feelings. You have to let me sit in

30:16

the booth. I face the room. I'm the girl.

30:18

That's the girl seat except the only person that

30:20

will not do my dad refuses to face a

30:22

wall. It is so fucking rude. Somebody who like

30:25

loves me so proud of me all this night.

30:27

He thinks like the sun shines out of my

30:29

asshole. He will not let me say you have

30:31

to give your dad the little bill. He's

30:33

in the booth. He

30:36

refuses to face a wall won't do it.

30:38

He doesn't do his girlfriend too. Okay, that's

30:40

so interesting. It's your dad. You got to

30:42

respect your elders, but whatever he wants goes,

30:44

but his girlfriend should break up with him.

30:47

That is so crazy. If I was with a guy

30:49

and we went to a restaurant and he just slid

30:51

right into that booth, my dad is immovable about it.

30:54

He won't even reason with you. If I

30:56

was on a date with Sunday and he behaves

30:58

like that. It's the same as if they don't

31:00

everything to walk on the street side of the

31:02

sidewalk. It's the same thing. I'm sorry. Whatever. Maybe

31:04

we're old school. We like this shit. It gets

31:06

us wet. It's just the thing. You

31:08

all should know that terrible guy I

31:10

went on a date with at Gran Blanco who

31:13

got a fight with me on the date about

31:15

what gun control and women's safety. Yeah, that guy

31:17

I walked in sitting in the booth. No, maybe

31:19

face the wall the way I would walk out.

31:21

I asked sparklyze. I said, what if we always

31:23

went to a restaurant and you slid into the

31:25

booth? He goes, you wouldn't be with me. You

31:27

know, like it's so disclaimer. There's a couple people

31:29

in the comments being like, well,

31:31

my, you know, boyfriend is a former military or

31:34

whatever. He's got it. I, the exits, you know,

31:36

for God's sake, there's no exception to

31:38

everything. But I can't see someone

31:40

maybe like buck. That's like, I got to watch the

31:42

exit. My dad's not watching the exits.

31:44

My dad's two feet tall. Who's he going to be? You

31:46

have a medical or mental, whatever reason

31:48

otherwise. This is just one of those things.

31:51

If I'm out with girlfriends, I don't feel

31:53

the need to like get the best seat

31:55

in the place, like whatever. But if I

31:57

go out with you, I like I

32:00

like to be a little lower because you're so much shorter than me. I'm

32:02

in the chair, I'm like looking like Taylor crashed

32:04

over and you're just down the booth, you know?

32:06

So it's like whatever, but on

32:08

dates, it feels like a must. I feel

32:10

bad because I can't actually articulate why I

32:13

deserve it more. Like, can you articulate it?

32:15

Yes, it's comfort. It's like grabbing the car

32:17

so she doesn't have to walk in the

32:19

rain, walk into the street side of the

32:21

sidewalk. It's making the woman comfortable. It's just

32:23

chivalry and it's just a little old school.

32:26

It's opening doors. It's all that stuff. It's

32:29

making sure you offer up your

32:31

female date, the comfortable seat first.

32:34

I hear you. I'm short

32:36

though and so I don't really love a booth.

32:38

But when I think about physicality, like I fare

32:40

better in a chair because I'm higher up, booths

32:42

you sink in and I'm five feet tall, but

32:44

I like to eye the vibes and there's no

32:47

way I'm staring at a wall for an entire

32:49

date. Yeah, and then people see Raina Greenberg, A-list

32:51

celebrity. Raina

32:53

fucking Greenberg with a booth boyfriend. And

32:55

then there's just... Can

32:58

you imagine? You're on Dumois? Somebody

33:00

walked in. Raina's a booth boyfriend. They're

33:04

like, are you Raina? And I'm like,

33:06

no, I'm not actually. Raina would

33:09

never take the suit. We'll post the photos of

33:11

Taylor and Jo and of course if you're a

33:13

Swiftie, you've seen them and maybe more people saw

33:15

this than I realized. I just never heard about

33:18

boothgate. This is so funny. These

33:20

two women debated this. Yeah, I would say when I'm out

33:22

with my dad, I always let him have the booth. That's

33:24

so funny, dad. It's something I think about. I

33:26

feel like I'm rude if I take the

33:28

booth without asking. The one woman, Hannah Kearns

33:30

said, it almost reminds me of TikTok's Orange

33:33

Peel Theory where it's testing the little things you

33:35

do to make your partner's life easier. It's just an

33:37

easy way to show someone that you are prioritizing them.

33:40

And then people broke it down in terms of stuff that

33:42

they felt Taylor said in different songs about like Jo and

33:44

things like that. But yeah, we can't speak on Jo. We

33:46

don't know what went down in that restaurant in New Orleans,

33:48

but I just thought booth boyfriend was like a funny concept

33:51

to talk about. Very funny. Yeah, I wanted to... I'd

33:53

love to hear from

33:55

women who hopefully aren't

33:58

currently in a bad relationship. this

34:00

is happening, but like maybe dated that guy that like

34:02

slid right in and just had to have the more

34:04

comfortable back. I also said about the relationship. I also

34:06

takes the window seat on the plane. That guy grabs

34:09

the remote control first when you sit down in the

34:11

living room. Like that guy's doing that shit. Yeah, that

34:13

guy is walking down the street with you and a

34:15

car comes up and he pushes you into the road.

34:17

Okay, well, glad we've unpacked it. So

34:22

funny. Okay, so I have to tell you

34:24

something that I also I told the group we're in

34:26

Hawaii and I was like sharing in the car and I

34:28

was like, I have a thing to share. And it was

34:30

so brave of me. I finished a

34:33

porn the other day, which is so

34:35

I've never okay, I want to I

34:38

want to point like once a week for the

34:40

last 15 years. I watched a lot of porn

34:43

in my life and I enjoy it quite a

34:45

bit. I've never finished a porn a single time

34:47

in my life. Like I watched like the full

34:49

11 minutes. I was just gonna

34:51

ask what was the length? Most porn that I watch

34:53

are on like those terrible sites. So there's like seven

34:55

to 11 minutes. I've never watched a

34:57

porn to completion. Does this resonate with you at all? Because

34:59

you don't really want to really want porn. I know. I

35:02

feel like I'm not your audience. I know. I understand

35:04

that you usually put on a porn and

35:06

get right to it. Did you ever masturbate

35:09

or you're watching just for fun? Don't

35:13

question. Have you prepared to masturbate? Are you like,

35:15

I'm just gonna see what's up. Like

35:18

there was nothing on Netflix. And

35:24

was it on your TV? No, it was on

35:26

my phone. I did a couple times. I did

35:28

mirror my phone on the TV. So luxurious. But

35:30

I was like, I don't need to do all

35:33

this. It's too many extra steps. Yeah, I'm orgasm.

35:35

No, usually I watch for like three minutes and

35:37

I have no reason. Yeah, I've never seen the

35:39

cum shot. I have never seen somebody like it's

35:41

so rare to like see somebody come at the

35:44

end of a porn. I like never seen it.

35:46

What'd you think? Yeah, you look like you know

35:48

what I would think you would do is I

35:50

don't know. Fast forwarding. I see you turning on

35:53

a porn and be like, ah, I got it. Whatever. He's

35:55

a handyman, blah, blah, blah. And then fast forwarding straight to the

35:57

comm. Okay, so here. Thank you so much for

35:59

seeing me. I

36:01

don't like watching the oral cum. Like I don't like watching

36:03

people get in their mouth or on their face, it makes

36:06

me sick. And so I'm just like, well I'm just gonna

36:08

wash me, like cum on someone's pussy. I know it's really

36:10

dirty, you guys, whatever. What do I care? Yeah,

36:12

I've never, I've never ended a porn before, but I've

36:14

been smoking this weed lately, so I bought like weed

36:16

that was just gonna make me like a little, I

36:18

like like, you know, chill weed, it makes me a

36:20

little sleepy, but the weed I've been smoking makes me

36:22

like, I can just masturbate

36:24

forever. Too long? Too long. And

36:27

normally I masturbate for like eight minutes, I

36:29

hate the Tessa's hair, Tessa don't look at

36:31

me. Tessa got her

36:33

mom a vibrator, she's cool. That's true. Sorry, your mom's doing this

36:35

too. Tessa's

36:38

like, mom, have you ever finished a porn? She

36:40

texts her, Raina made me ask. She's

36:44

like, that company needs HR, Tessa. Your dad's

36:46

gonna call somebody. I've

36:50

had this like crazy porn evolution, pornvolution. So

36:52

like, I used to just read erotic stories,

36:54

that's how I started off, and like, I've

36:56

never watched anything. Then I only would watch

36:59

lesbian porn, like the penises could get the

37:01

fuck out of here, I never wanted to

37:03

see a penis in a porn. And then

37:05

during COVID, I started watching like male on

37:07

female porn, and now I've

37:09

like hit the top, which is I've watched

37:12

the end of a porn. Yeah. Straight

37:14

porn. So now you just gotta go into our app where

37:16

we have audio porn. Be a reality. And

37:18

get into that. Well,

37:22

we do have an app that there are erotic stories, but you

37:24

know, it's nice about them, because you can take them on the

37:26

road. You know, you can just be on a walk, you do

37:28

your little cute walk streets, listening to porn, which is nice. Right.

37:31

Watching porn on a walk feels like a male

37:33

behavior. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

37:36

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

37:38

Like you go into like the Delta Lounge, you walk around, look

37:40

at guys' phones, I bet you like 30% of them are on

37:42

the porn. Really, it is so funny, because I think about guys

37:44

like watching sports, you know, on

37:47

their phones, undercover, like a wedding, you

37:49

look over, it's just porn. Porn. That's

37:51

so funny. That's so funny. They're watching the end of the porn show.

37:53

They must be like watching the Celtics game, and now it's

37:55

just like, you just like come shot. Then I'm out of

37:57

it. Yeah. Okay. Okay,

38:00

well, we have Matthew Hustie today, guys, and

38:02

we are so excited, but just going to

38:04

tell you about our final partners. So

38:07

excited for this one. It's that

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38:17

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38:27

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38:29

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38:31

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38:33

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38:35

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38:46

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38:55

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38:57

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38:59

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39:01

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39:03

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39:06

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39:08

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39:10

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39:12

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39:14

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42:22

Okay. Okay guys, we

42:24

are so excited to welcome back a very

42:26

special guest to the show today. He is

42:28

a New York times bestselling author, speaker, and

42:31

coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence.

42:33

His YouTube channel is the number one

42:35

in the world for love advice with

42:37

over half a billion views. You have

42:39

seen him literally everywhere you can get

42:41

advice on dating from Netflix to Good

42:44

Morning America, Business Insider, and of course

42:46

this podcast. His newest book, which we

42:48

are over the moon excited about is

42:50

out now, Love Life. Please welcome to

42:52

the show Matthew Hussey. Thank you for

42:54

having me again. Yes. I feel like it's been

42:57

a long time since we did this. It

42:59

has. Yes. We did it in the

43:01

summer of 2021. I was in a hotel room

43:03

in Seattle. You were in the hampan. In the hampan.

43:05

We have been through so many life stages with you.

43:07

Life stages of the US too. Like

43:11

we were like pre COVID, right

43:13

post COVID. And then we

43:15

were with you on the Drew Barrymore show. We

43:18

did that panel. And then now we're here in

43:20

the LA studio. We moved here. We

43:22

live here. You got married. I got married.

43:24

You got married. Yeah, that little detail

43:26

that happened last year. I

43:28

feel like you've been through a bunch of stages. I've definitely

43:30

been through a bunch of stages since

43:33

knowing you have been through happy times,

43:35

really miserable times. Yeah.

43:37

Well, and then even now I'm remembering

43:40

we did like a Instagram live during

43:42

quarantine. I mean, we really been through

43:44

it all. Did we do an Instagram live during quarantine?

43:46

We did. I forgot about it. Yeah.

43:49

This is a different time. I can just discount anything that happened during

43:51

that period. Yeah. What was that

43:53

again? Anything goes. Yeah. And then we did meet

43:55

your now wife when we were on the set

43:57

of Drew Barrymore. So you got married. Last October.

43:59

Well, technically. in August we like did

44:01

a private ceremony with the two of us

44:03

but we got married with all our friends

44:05

and family in October of last year. She's

44:08

wonderful. We loved her and she's just beautiful

44:10

and kind and smart. It must be really

44:13

interesting being a dating coach all these years

44:15

and finally finding the one. It

44:17

was... You open your book, it's very

44:19

funny the way you open your book talking about how

44:21

you're a dating coach who's like a shit boyfriend which

44:23

I think is really funny. I don't know, it felt

44:25

like you were faking it till you make it type

44:27

of thing. You're super vulnerable about being basically put

44:30

on blast of like how can you give this

44:32

advice you've never even had your heart broken and

44:34

like I can tell and I

44:36

found that really refreshing. And

44:40

the way you kick off the book like that I

44:42

mean it's really honest. The book's incredible. We are obsessed

44:44

with it. It means so much to

44:47

me coming from you guys because I too are

44:49

incapable of inauthenticity. We just couldn't say anything. We'd

44:51

be like so you wrote a book. I feel

44:53

like I was telling you what I thought about

44:56

earlier and you were looking at me like what

44:58

is she going to ruin my day or not?

45:00

I just know you two wouldn't bullshit me so

45:02

it's for you to say that means an enormous

45:04

amount. And yeah I think after all these years,

45:07

I've been doing this for 17 years

45:09

now which blows my mind because I always associated

45:11

with being like the young pup in the room

45:14

and now people used to say

45:17

to me like you know how do

45:19

you know all this stuff at this

45:21

age and increasingly people stopped saying that.

45:23

And I realized at some point like

45:25

I just passed the point of it

45:28

being impressive that I knew things by a certain

45:30

age. Yeah and you know

45:32

one of the perils of starting something

45:34

like this young is that I'm still

45:36

making all of your mistakes. And I'm

45:38

still making a bunch today don't get

45:40

me wrong but it's like you're still

45:42

in those phases of figuring out

45:44

who you are and what

45:47

you want and not knowing how to be

45:49

happy. The funny thing

45:51

is when I started out in my mind I wasn't

45:54

thinking of it in terms of I'm helping

45:56

people find love because I

45:58

have found love. I'm showing other people how

46:00

to do that. I was someone who

46:03

was like the shy introverted kid

46:06

who got high 11

46:08

years old on like Dow Carnegie's how to win

46:10

friends and influence people and I was like, oh

46:12

my god This is I didn't realize that was

46:14

a big book like I picked off my dad's

46:17

bookshelf And I thought I had discovered this like

46:19

secret scrolled that no one else knew about Wait

46:22

till people see this. I felt like that when

46:24

I found my dad's playboy when I was like 11 I

46:26

was like girls can do that to each other. That's crazy

46:29

I have to tell other women That's

46:39

really funny as odd me

46:41

taking an interest in it's actually more odd

46:43

me taking an interest in how to win

46:45

friends and influence people 11 years old. It's

46:47

a very that's like charming. I don't know

46:49

if it's charming It's cute I thought at

46:51

the time like oh what a funny book

46:53

and then when I opened it up I

46:55

couldn't put it down like that idea

46:57

that I wasn't stuck with being

47:01

Shy, either was actually things I could do

47:03

to have more impact

47:05

with like a revelation for me So

47:08

I had taught myself how to create more

47:10

opportunity and when I first started making YouTube

47:12

videos at 19 That

47:14

was really just me sharing like here's

47:16

how you can create more opportunity and

47:19

one of the weird ways I identified with

47:21

women at that time was So

47:24

many women when they were coming to me for

47:26

help was basically it was clear to me They

47:28

were like waiting to be chosen Instead

47:31

of doing the choosing and I was like, well, that's

47:33

kind of me. I feel like

47:35

I'm doing the exact same thing Yeah, so I'm

47:37

learning how to be more proactive Let me show

47:39

you what I'm learning about how to be more

47:41

proactive and so much of it translated But I

47:43

did not know how to be happy in my

47:46

love life Mm-hmm. I just got to a point

47:48

where I really knew how to create opportunities. It

47:50

took me years to figure out

47:52

like Why am why am I

47:54

so? chronically dissatisfied in

47:56

this area, which is a scary thing

47:58

to be when you're starting

48:01

to get increasingly known for helping people in

48:03

an area. Yeah, I mean, I do believe that like

48:05

those who can't do teach and I think that like that

48:08

doesn't make your advice invalid, but

48:10

it is really fascinating in the book, we

48:12

kept talking about it, how you open it

48:14

up, talking about you read your old journal

48:16

entries of yourself, like convincing yourself to stay

48:18

into these relationships. Man, so for

48:21

everyone listening, there's a point in the

48:24

book where I literally, what I've done my whole

48:26

life is like written little

48:28

thoughts to myself in like my notes

48:30

or journals or phones to just encourage

48:33

myself along the way or to tell myself

48:35

what I need. And I

48:38

can remember like there was a

48:40

relationship, I was deeply unhappy and

48:43

I wrote notes to myself about that

48:45

were like really designed to

48:47

like get me in a gear where I

48:49

could continue to endure this pain. And

48:52

it was like, they were like supposed to be notes

48:55

of encouragement, but I look back now and

48:57

I read these journal notes and I include a

48:59

couple of them in the book and

49:02

I cringe, a cringe. I can read one. I'll

49:04

go for it, yeah. Oh, you said

49:06

my expectations are what's fucking me up

49:08

right now before I just appreciated it

49:10

for what it was, but then I

49:12

went from gratitude to expectation. You're talking

49:14

about your relationship, but you wrote that

49:16

this is this chilling justification for your

49:19

then well-practiced masochism. My problem is not that my needs

49:21

aren't getting met, my problem is that I have needs.

49:23

All I need to do is get back to being

49:25

grateful that I have this person instead of having any

49:27

expectations of them. Forget feeling safe, secure, and loved, you're

49:30

just lucky to be here. The

49:32

way you describe it as if the notes you're writing to yourself

49:34

were like you were in Navy SEAL training is just

49:36

like, I think that's gonna speak

49:38

to a lot of people. Like the overarching

49:40

theme today might be something along the lines

49:42

of relationship shouldn't be this hard. They shouldn't

49:45

feel like a day-to-day struggle where you have

49:47

to write yourself inspirational notes to get through

49:49

them. And we're not talking about 10, 20, 30

49:52

year-long marriages. Kids,

49:54

like that's not necessarily even the

49:56

bulk of our audience, but this

49:58

was just a relationship. like a girlfriend-boyfriend

50:00

relationship, and you're out here like, you can do

50:03

it, man. You'll get through this.

50:06

Like, that's wild. And I

50:08

think we've all been in these situations where we're just

50:10

training ourselves to be in a situation that is not

50:12

good for you, it doesn't feel good. I mean, I

50:14

remember thinking of that about the person I was engaged

50:16

to. I was like, if I can just have sex

50:18

this week, I just get through that

50:21

with him, and I like, check the box and done

50:23

the thing, and it's like, why are we staying in

50:25

a situation that we don't like, that we're not happy

50:27

with? And of course, you have children, it's a long-term

50:29

relationship, very different. But like, a short-term thing, why are

50:31

we convincing ourselves to stay in something that's not mentally

50:33

healthy for us? There are, I

50:35

mean, there are a number of reasons. Some of them,

50:38

when we're deep in it, it becomes

50:40

structural, and like you said, we're enmeshed

50:42

with this person, and we have a

50:44

life with them, and- Community, yeah. Kids,

50:46

community, identity, all of these finances, some

50:48

people, financial devastation if

50:51

they leave someone. So there's all of

50:53

that in things that have taken root

50:55

in our lives. But then,

50:57

even in the things that haven't, there's

50:59

the, what

51:01

we're choosing to value. Like,

51:04

I'm choosing to make this

51:06

person my value in life.

51:09

So if I hold on to them, I'm holding

51:11

on to my value. If they leave, my value

51:13

leaves with them. That's a very

51:15

common thing. Many of us feel

51:18

like if I can just secure

51:20

this person, if

51:22

I could just make this

51:25

work, then I'll be happy. But

51:27

they ignore how utterly miserable they are

51:30

in doing that, that they feel

51:32

fundamentally unsafe with this

51:34

person. But for a lot of us, that's what our

51:37

nervous system is used to. I think also

51:39

being single and used to be without the book is a

51:41

fate worse than death for some people. And they're just like,

51:43

I'll choose anything over this. And I like that you acknowledge

51:45

in the book how painful of a state that can be,

51:47

being single, and you can talk about it. But I think

51:49

a lot of people stay just because of that, and fear

51:51

of that. You almost have to start from a place

51:54

of saying, for most people,

51:56

one of their greatest goals

51:58

or dreams in life. is to

52:00

find love. It's like the worst kept secret

52:02

in the world that this is

52:04

the thing that we all really, really want. And

52:08

we have to go through life pretending that we

52:10

don't want it that much. I know

52:12

we're kind of indifferent to it. And it's

52:14

fine, you know, whatever. I just want it happens. It's

52:18

like we have to all pretend that we don't

52:20

care that much when for most of us, it's

52:22

the thing we care about the most. And

52:25

part of that is our own shame

52:28

of not wanting to seem desperate. A big part of

52:30

it is culture and telling us that, you know, there's

52:32

something wrong with you if you don't find love, but

52:34

there's also something wrong with you if you try too

52:36

hard to find love. Like if you

52:39

want it too much, if you talk about it too

52:41

much, then there's definitely something wrong with you. So we

52:43

feel like there's no winning. So

52:45

we have to keep this to ourselves that

52:47

we're just terrified that this may never happen

52:50

for me. And then when you start to

52:52

throw in the fact that many people want

52:54

families and the timelines

52:56

that go along with that, that

52:59

increasingly people become panicked

53:01

that this isn't going to happen

53:03

for me if I don't get moving. That's

53:05

like a very, very painful experience for so

53:07

many people. So it then

53:09

is really hard to, A, if you are

53:12

single, it's hard to be calm. Everyone's like just,

53:14

you need to relax. And I want to punch

53:16

the person who says you need to relax. Cause

53:19

I'm like, how it's not easy

53:21

for this person to relax when they

53:23

feel like someone else is

53:25

in control of one of their biggest dreams in

53:28

life. We go out and create businesses and it

53:30

doesn't feel like it's dependent on another person.

53:33

You can go out and do it. You want to get

53:35

in shape. It doesn't feel like it's dependent on another person.

53:37

There are all these things in life you can go and

53:39

make happen. And then there's this thing that

53:42

feels like I need to go and find someone to agree

53:44

to this and to want

53:46

me and to want to be on the same path as me

53:48

and in the same stage of life as me. And it

53:50

feels like your dreams are being held hostage by

53:53

a person you haven't

53:55

even met. That's

53:57

a hard position to be chill from. Right.

54:00

Hahaha. Totally.

54:03

So I understand on the other side of it people being like,

54:05

I don't want that. So I'll stay in this relationship. I guess

54:07

that I hate. Yeah, because maybe it's better

54:10

than nothing. And you know what? Maybe

54:12

it turns into the thing and if I leave

54:14

it, can I get over the sunk

54:17

cost of the time and the energy I've already

54:19

put into this thing all on the idea

54:21

that it's gonna turn into something? That's

54:24

a really scary place for people to be. And

54:26

then when they see their friends complaining about the

54:28

apps and what it's like out there and they're

54:31

like, I don't want to step into that world.

54:33

You know, at least I know this person. At

54:35

least I know who they are. At least I

54:37

kind of know my way around the pain of

54:40

this situation. And that's the problem is that we

54:42

get really comfortable with the pain

54:44

that we are familiar with. So

54:46

we repeat that over and over and

54:48

over again in our lives. And just

54:50

write ourselves inspirational notes to get their

54:52

own self. Well, I had

54:54

a friend of mine who came to see me.

54:57

She actually did an interview with me on my

54:59

podcast. And she saw me at a time when

55:01

I was like really in that

55:03

place, like in that denial

55:05

of how hard it was and

55:09

how unhappy I was. And

55:11

she didn't tell me this until after

55:14

the relationship ended, but she said, when

55:16

I came to see you that day

55:19

and she hadn't seen me in months, she

55:21

said, I went to my sister's

55:23

house afterwards. And I said to

55:25

my sister, oh, he is not

55:27

happy. Like he is not in

55:29

a good place. And I

55:32

had no idea how much I

55:34

was telegraphing that. I

55:36

thought I'd like, she'd just come in, I'd

55:38

seen my old friend and we were hanging

55:40

out and doing the podcast and whatever. And

55:43

she left and told her sister about how

55:45

deeply unhappy I was. That's so scary to

55:47

me that I could be that out of touch with my own

55:50

feelings and my own experience. We had

55:52

that happen to friends. It's really sad. We were just

55:54

telling you about a friend of ours that, like she

55:56

doesn't see what we see. You know, like we're kind

55:58

of able to see How like. Oh

56:07

so the bark and you know we have so

56:09

much talk about. say what we saw one to

56:11

hear of like why you want to write it

56:13

and you know how long it for kids make

56:15

You know what does your. Your ultimate goal Actually,

56:17

I was in no rush to write another

56:19

book. I wrote books ten years ago and

56:21

my publisher every day since was asking, when's

56:23

the next morning I just didn't do it

56:25

for years and and do anything. and I

56:27

was like I'm not writing another book until

56:30

I feel truly compelled to to write some

56:32

news. And they got to the point where

56:34

I've been through a lot in my own

56:36

life. I'd feel like I dug a lot

56:38

deeper and what was going on with people

56:40

like it was really clear to me. Like.

56:42

I kind of got known for this

56:45

early thing of like this is way

56:47

in the beginning like talking about how

56:49

people could make a move and I

56:51

talked about dropping the handkerchief and it

56:54

was like a fun metaphor that really

56:56

helps women especially be proactive. Without.

56:58

Feeling like they were suddenly going into

57:00

this overly aggressive mode of having to

57:03

make the move all the time. But.

57:05

I. Had this idea my head the if

57:07

I could get women to have more choice.

57:09

They wouldn't make choices to be

57:12

with people to hurt them and

57:14

why discovered was I was right

57:16

about that series that even if

57:18

I helped people get more choice,

57:20

they would still gravitate towards situations

57:22

that hurt them And that became

57:24

send me like oh this is

57:27

something I wanna understand I want

57:29

to write about Will Firstly, How

57:32

can I help people who are. Single.

57:35

Want to find laws and are struggling

57:37

with the emotions and the source. That.

57:40

Plague us when we're in that place,

57:42

which is a form of chronic pain.

57:45

And it's a chronic pain that we

57:47

need to learn how to manage and

57:49

then. How can

57:51

I help people find lot faster?

57:53

and what are the zebra obstacles

57:56

that preventing us from finding love?

57:58

And then lastly the. how

58:00

to be happy no matter what was really

58:02

important to me because I was like to

58:04

me we cannot wait until

58:07

a day where we meet our person

58:09

to start experiencing life fully because

58:12

life is too short and these are some amazing

58:14

years we're in right now but

58:17

I used to get kind of wound up when I

58:19

would hear people say you have to be happy and

58:21

whole first because I'd be like who

58:24

how many people are

58:27

happy and whole the day they meet

58:30

the person who ends up becoming their partner becoming

58:32

their husband or their wife like give me a

58:34

break like all the people that look back and

58:36

go you they're like sitting there from the comfort

58:38

of a marriage going you just really have to

58:40

be happy and whole before you meet someone I'm

58:42

like oh really were you happy and whole at

58:45

24 when you met the person you've been with

58:47

for the last 15 years of course you were

58:49

24 you were an idiot it does give the

58:51

notion that like everyone else in a relationship has

58:53

figured something out that you haven't and sometimes I

58:56

don't I don't like that you know that like

58:58

all those people are perfect and I'm not no

59:00

but maybe it's also like I

59:02

don't know the advice has gotten kind of

59:04

blown out of proportion because obviously the underlying

59:07

meaning of that is you don't want to

59:09

come across like I'm not complete until I

59:11

find a partner and giving off this like

59:13

desperation and just like waiting around for someone

59:15

to complete you and not really doing things

59:17

to enrich your own life there's a chapter I write

59:19

about in this book called happy enough which

59:22

is a phrase I love because it's it's

59:25

achievable like I

59:27

went through a seven or eight

59:29

year period in my life and this isn't like going back

59:32

10 years this is like butting

59:34

up against the last three years of my

59:36

life where I had really severe chronic physical

59:38

pain and it

59:40

was a combination of tinnitus where my

59:42

ears were ringing all the time 24

59:46

7 and had an ear pain that just

59:48

never went away for a very long time

59:50

it threatened to just destroy

59:52

my life I wasn't in my life anymore I

59:54

was on the outside of my life all the

59:56

time and even in what should have

59:58

been fun moments what should have been joyful moments,

1:00:01

I was just deeply, deeply

1:00:03

depressed. And I remember going

1:00:05

to a therapist and saying, I'm

1:00:07

just going to live for other people now,

1:00:10

because I can't, I don't enjoy life anymore.

1:00:13

So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna be there for

1:00:15

my family, I'm gonna be there for my friends, I'm gonna be there

1:00:17

for the people that I coach, I'm gonna show up for my team

1:00:19

at work. But it can't be about me

1:00:21

anymore, because I don't enjoy

1:00:23

things now. And he

1:00:25

said that is like Hallmark

1:00:28

depression. Yeah, it's depression that originates from

1:00:30

physical pain, but it's a distinction without

1:00:32

difference. What you're experiencing now is like

1:00:34

full blown depression as a result of

1:00:36

this. And that

1:00:39

experience with something that I

1:00:41

couldn't use my like type

1:00:44

a ambition to

1:00:46

fix. Nothing I

1:00:48

could do could I went I traveled around

1:00:50

the world, I threw money at this thing,

1:00:52

I like did everything I could to try

1:00:54

and fix it and nothing shifted this pain.

1:00:58

And when that was the case, I

1:01:00

went to hopelessness, I just went to complete despair. Because

1:01:02

I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna do

1:01:04

this for another 50 years. Like, I don't know what to

1:01:06

do. It wasn't like I'd three months I had it and

1:01:09

then I gave up I had it for years at that

1:01:11

point, I would feel so angry every

1:01:13

single day. I was Yeah, deeply. Yeah,

1:01:15

you know, what's funny, I haven't said this

1:01:17

to anyone yet on any podcast, but there

1:01:19

was a first years ago when I handed

1:01:22

a not a

1:01:24

full draft, but when I handed a series

1:01:26

of chapters to my publisher at HarperCollins, Kara

1:01:28

Menaldi, I sent her this and I was

1:01:30

like, Hey, I'm ready to write the next

1:01:32

book. And I sent her

1:01:34

the chapters. And she

1:01:37

sent me an email back and she

1:01:39

said, I'm so sorry. I so

1:01:41

wanted to like this. But there

1:01:43

is something deeply off in

1:01:46

the tone of these chapters. Wow.

1:01:48

She said it reads as really

1:01:50

angry. Wow. I

1:01:53

look back now. And there was areas

1:01:55

where she was over harsh, but I

1:01:57

understand what she was saying because I

1:02:00

was so angry. And

1:02:02

what's funny is it ended up being one

1:02:04

of the greatest parallels I drew on for

1:02:06

this book because this wasn't even too long

1:02:08

ago but I had a woman in the

1:02:10

last couple of years say

1:02:12

to me, this was her first session with me.

1:02:15

I don't do private training in the same way

1:02:17

anymore but she's part of a very small group

1:02:19

of people that I work with. And

1:02:22

she said to me in this one-on-one moment, and

1:02:25

bear in mind this is her first thing she said to me, she

1:02:27

could have asked me anything. She did

1:02:29

not ask me how to find love. She

1:02:32

said, Matthew, how do I kill

1:02:34

my desire to find love? And

1:02:37

this is a person in her, I want

1:02:39

to say 50s or 60s, I'm not sure,

1:02:43

she said how do I kill my desire to find love?

1:02:45

She said I have been wanting to

1:02:47

find love my whole life and I was

1:02:49

married for a couple of years briefly, it

1:02:52

wasn't great but it was something. Since

1:02:55

then years have gone by, I've never found it

1:02:58

again. I so want to

1:03:00

find love when I see my friends in

1:03:02

relationships, I am happy for

1:03:04

them and at the same time I just

1:03:06

feel like not in my stomach because I

1:03:09

see what I want and haven't found and she

1:03:11

said if I don't kill the desire to find

1:03:13

love, I'm worried I'm going to be sad for the rest

1:03:15

of my life and I don't want to live out the

1:03:17

rest of my life as a sad person. So

1:03:19

how do I get rid of this

1:03:21

desire? And I saw myself in that

1:03:24

therapist's room saying if I

1:03:26

can't shift this physical pain, I'm going to be unhappy

1:03:28

for the rest of my life and

1:03:30

I thought the things people go through when they're single and

1:03:32

they want to find love is chronic

1:03:35

pain. It's a

1:03:37

chronic emotional pain but it's

1:03:39

again a distinction without a difference

1:03:42

because chronic pain is chronic pain.

1:03:44

So then a huge component of

1:03:46

this book became how do you

1:03:48

manage the chronic pain of

1:03:51

not having found what you're looking for so

1:03:54

that you can get to happy enough

1:03:57

Because if you can get to happy enough which is where I.

1:04:00

My physical pain. You.

1:04:02

Then can start to make a difference in.

1:04:05

Your. Life and start to make an impact.

1:04:07

It's not magic, our can actually

1:04:09

start to create opportunity again from

1:04:11

that place. But when you in

1:04:14

that state of depression or chronic

1:04:16

anxiety or chronic unhappiness from there

1:04:18

we lose all of our power.

1:04:20

Well. Suited her listeners I

1:04:22

would have been with you you know they would

1:04:24

have the with your pain or you lake. City

1:04:27

want to share their sure I will. I

1:04:29

started looking so what are tools the I

1:04:31

need to. Manage my

1:04:33

relationship with this pain because

1:04:36

what I learned was. There's.

1:04:39

The physical plane itself and and

1:04:41

that's very real. that is also.

1:04:43

An emotional component to this that.

1:04:46

Is a big part of why

1:04:48

it feels intolerable. As. Out

1:04:51

like anger, Frustration. It was

1:04:53

out anger and frustration. It was the

1:04:55

story I was telling myself about this

1:04:57

pain which was that is my fault

1:04:59

I somehow cause this somehow done it

1:05:02

for myself and my fault that I'm

1:05:04

in pain all the time. It's never

1:05:06

gonna go away and if it never

1:05:08

goes away the my life is ruined.

1:05:11

The yeah. And. It's all

1:05:13

over. Are never going to be productive again.

1:05:16

So. All the things I want to

1:05:18

achieve. I'm never going to achieve. People

1:05:20

find me attractive anymore once they realize

1:05:22

how fragile I feel because even if

1:05:24

I look a certain way on the

1:05:26

outside I'm not on the inside of

1:05:28

from like I'm about to break am

1:05:30

about snap at any moment and once

1:05:32

someone seekers that our are not the

1:05:34

strongman someone's gonna be like attracted to

1:05:36

say I'm never going now attract the

1:05:38

kind of person I'd like to attract.

1:05:40

It was all this story that turned

1:05:42

pain in the moment. Into.

1:05:44

Something that was immediately. Insufferable.

1:05:47

And an honorable and I put these

1:05:50

tools in the book. I started to

1:05:52

sign tools that really helped me. So

1:05:54

for example I had a coach that.

1:05:57

We know one of the things during this time.

1:05:59

I like. Like think I loved kept being

1:06:01

taken for me because they all made my

1:06:03

pain was so like a nice glass of

1:06:06

wine or like are. Eating. Certain

1:06:08

foods. Honest. I love food like one of the

1:06:10

things the ice skate to and then sued started

1:06:12

to make my plane was like what am I

1:06:14

gonna do This is like whatever comes as I

1:06:16

have less that just been taken from my i

1:06:19

said this to a coach. And

1:06:21

she said to me, listen, we don't know.

1:06:23

How these foods are going to affect your in five

1:06:26

years? We. Don't we don't even know

1:06:28

where this plane is gonna be in a

1:06:30

year. Solas: Lose the ceremony. Of.

1:06:33

I can never have food like this

1:06:35

again. I can never have a glass

1:06:37

of wine to get less. Lose that

1:06:39

ceremony and just change these things. And

1:06:41

now. Of and Nemo.

1:06:43

Them all adjustable look at it in time,

1:06:45

but she picked up on the factor. I

1:06:47

was going into this catastrophic thinking of a

1:06:49

never going to be able to do these

1:06:51

things again and know acknowledging the truth that

1:06:54

everything changes. Yeah, everything changes and it's changing

1:06:56

all the time. And as truth, people's love

1:06:58

lives as well. We have a story we

1:07:00

tell ourselves that you know I've been single

1:07:02

my whole life or I've never found the

1:07:04

love I once and the past is going

1:07:06

to equal the future and is never going

1:07:08

to. but everything changes. You never know when

1:07:10

someone's going to walk into your life as.

1:07:13

Gonna. Be a different kind of love, something

1:07:15

you've never experienced before. You can also find

1:07:17

it. And think it's the greatest thing

1:07:19

ever and lose it. Not the friends you're jealous

1:07:21

of right now. I'm not going to be in

1:07:23

those relationships the how I have. Absolutely someone of

1:07:25

things you talk about. You open the

1:07:27

box hobbies, single and a parallel for

1:07:29

at ease your pain and then the

1:07:32

first chapter you're like aren't well let's

1:07:34

work on s and you open web

1:07:36

site against Iran and thanks and I

1:07:38

love that you started by saying like

1:07:40

you think like my instincts are godly

1:07:42

man to them like most evil answer

1:07:44

off from a place of like secure

1:07:46

attachment, great families, lucchino safety and so

1:07:48

you're just like what when I wanna

1:07:50

do that of the success of this.

1:07:54

Character. But I'll I love the chapter

1:07:56

and you talk about i was unhappy. steams

1:07:58

of like when someone goes. called fighting

1:08:00

for it, bargaining, things like that. So can we

1:08:03

talk a little about fighting as you're on

1:08:05

instinct? I had a boxing trainer once that told

1:08:07

me, his name was Minds, no, he said, your

1:08:09

instincts can get you killed. In

1:08:11

a boxing match, your instinct if you're

1:08:13

not trained is when someone throws a punch at

1:08:15

you, you blink. That's not a

1:08:18

good instinct. Right. Right, but it's

1:08:20

what we do naturally. We have to train

1:08:22

the instinct to block or to slip a

1:08:24

punch. The same in a riptide. Riptide

1:08:26

pulls you out to sea. The instinct is to

1:08:28

swim to the shore as quickly as possible in

1:08:31

the straightest line you can find. But

1:08:33

that's the thing that makes you fight the current

1:08:35

and drown. We have this idea that we should

1:08:37

trust our instincts, but our instincts

1:08:40

can be misguided. Our

1:08:42

instincts are what we developed for survival. Think

1:08:44

of that phrase, survival instincts. Well,

1:08:47

what we had to do to survive

1:08:49

in an earlier time in our life isn't

1:08:51

necessarily useful in the current context, but we

1:08:54

developed those instincts and we're still using them

1:08:56

now. So our instinct

1:08:58

might be when someone pulls away

1:09:01

to text them more, or

1:09:03

when someone becomes scarce to value them

1:09:05

more highly. Those

1:09:08

are not good instincts. Those are instincts that

1:09:10

will get you hurt. Our instinct might be

1:09:12

the moment we have a crush on someone

1:09:14

to drop our entire schedule, to stop going

1:09:16

to any classes we enjoy, to stop seeing

1:09:18

our friends and to give them all of

1:09:20

our time. And that would be

1:09:22

a bad instinct. The instinct is

1:09:25

when we go on a great date with someone and

1:09:28

we think, oh my God, this person's amazing. I have

1:09:30

such a strong connection to them. The instinct

1:09:32

is now to do whatever we can to

1:09:35

make it work with this person, even if we have

1:09:37

to lower our standards to do it. And

1:09:39

by the way, the instinct is also, if

1:09:41

you have an amazing time with someone, to

1:09:43

now think that they're probably the right person

1:09:46

for you despite the fact that afterwards they

1:09:48

don't call. That's a bad

1:09:50

instinct. And it's based on this idea that if

1:09:53

I had an amazing time with someone, that

1:09:55

must mean something very, very important. But

1:09:59

how great of a time you have. with someone is only a measure

1:10:01

of their impact. It's not a measure

1:10:03

of their character. It's not a measure

1:10:05

of how great they'd be in a relationship. And lots of

1:10:07

people can be great on a first date. You know, somebody

1:10:09

that's just generally charming and has a lot to say and

1:10:11

smiles a lot, makes good eye contact, isn't necessarily a good

1:10:14

partner. It just means they're good at being on a date.

1:10:16

And by the way, some of the most dangerous

1:10:18

people are the best at being on a date.

1:10:20

Totally. Because that's what they specialize

1:10:23

in, is making you feel very, very strong

1:10:25

feelings very quickly. So these

1:10:27

instincts are dangerous. We have to be

1:10:29

really careful. I think there is a

1:10:31

deeper intuition that we should trust. But

1:10:34

most of us are so out of touch with

1:10:36

that intuition that we follow our instincts

1:10:39

and we call it intuition. But

1:10:41

really, it's just this reflexive thing

1:10:43

that we do when, oh,

1:10:46

someone's not giving me the attention I want. Let me

1:10:48

see if I can fix it. When I was

1:10:50

dating my now wife Audrey,

1:10:52

there was a moment where I

1:10:54

went back to LA. We weren't

1:10:56

in a relationship, but

1:10:58

she was evaluating me for that role. And

1:11:01

I got back to LA and I was like,

1:11:03

God, I can't do a long distance. I can't

1:11:06

do this. I can't be in this long distance

1:11:08

thing. And slowly I started to fade. And then

1:11:10

a few weeks after I sent

1:11:12

her a message having barely texted

1:11:15

and said, I miss you, which I roll

1:11:18

at looking back on it. But that's what

1:11:20

I did. I know a lot

1:11:22

of people in that situation, their instinct is to

1:11:24

be like, I'm so happy they texted me and

1:11:27

they're saying something affectionate. So

1:11:29

I kind of want to roll with it and

1:11:31

see where this goes. That's the instinct. But

1:11:35

Audrey did not do that. She

1:11:37

sent me a message that said, Hey, I

1:11:39

hope you're well. She said, I

1:11:41

don't really know what to say when you send

1:11:43

a message like that. We haven't

1:11:46

really been that close for a while now. And

1:11:49

rightly or wrongly, this message comes

1:11:51

off as a bid for attention.

1:11:54

That was literally the text she sent me. And

1:11:57

that was like, go off. She's

1:12:00

like, take your I miss you,

1:12:02

show it off your ass Matthew. That

1:12:06

was the subtext. She's like, I

1:12:08

can't even get a fucking text back. I miss you.

1:12:10

Get out of here. Matthew was like, that's probably the woman

1:12:13

I'm going to marry. Oh

1:12:16

my God. He's like, that's hot. Anyway.

1:12:20

But that was, that was, yeah. That

1:12:22

was what she sent. And it was like the ideal

1:12:24

message. Cause she was saying, what you're saying is out

1:12:26

of sync with how much energy you've been giving me.

1:12:29

And rightly or wrongly, which is

1:12:31

amazing language, cause it removes the ego from the

1:12:33

equation. It says it might

1:12:36

be wrong, but how I'm

1:12:38

seeing this, like how this comes across

1:12:40

is that this message is a bid

1:12:42

for attention. There's no intentionality behind it.

1:12:44

And we'll talk about that too. Um,

1:12:46

yeah. So, so that was, that's

1:12:49

like a really powerful moment. But I, for

1:12:51

her at that point in her life, she

1:12:53

had trained different instincts

1:12:56

because there was a time in her life and she, if

1:12:58

she was here, she'd tell you this. There was a time

1:13:00

in her life where she had the complete opposite instinct, but

1:13:03

it hurt her enough times. Cause she

1:13:06

was like, I can't do this. This

1:13:08

is, there's no point. This

1:13:10

instinct that I've had previously is not working for me. I

1:13:12

do want to like circle back and close out loop. Like,

1:13:15

how do we change the instinct of like,

1:13:18

I am getting crumbs from this person. It feels like

1:13:20

sort of an uphill battle, but it feels so good

1:13:22

when I do get the thing that I'm working toward.

1:13:25

Yeah. So like, how do we fight

1:13:27

against that instinct? Cause for so many people, that feels great.

1:13:30

I was going to say like we have biological

1:13:32

instincts and survival instincts. Also we have instincts that

1:13:34

we've been conditioned through whatever the fuck, through Disney

1:13:37

movies, through music, through movies, through

1:13:39

rom coms, you know, whatever unrealistic.

1:13:42

So I just don't want this to

1:13:44

come across sounding cynical. It's just kind

1:13:47

of like, let's remove the unrealistic romanticism

1:13:49

from some of it too. Okay.

1:13:51

Have you seen the new show on Netflix one day? Oh, I'm

1:13:53

obsessed with it. Okay. One of

1:13:55

my favorites. I love that show. Me and Audrey

1:13:57

watched it together and we, we absolutely loved it.

1:14:00

But when we watched

1:14:02

that show, I'm not going to give away

1:14:04

any spoilers to anyone, but two people meet

1:14:07

in college and it's kind of following their

1:14:09

friendship and the feelings under the

1:14:12

surface. Yeah. And you

1:14:14

check in with them once a year on this day to see where they're at in life. Right.

1:14:17

What's going to happen? And I love the show.

1:14:19

And yet I also thought this is a really

1:14:21

dangerous show for people. Thank you. We

1:14:24

talk about this when we talk about the notebook

1:14:26

with Jay Shetty. You know, like we have been

1:14:28

bombarded with this from childhood. We don't need to

1:14:30

go down this road completely, but I also just

1:14:32

want to validate that like some

1:14:35

is biological, but some is true conditioning

1:14:37

of being a little warped on

1:14:40

what like realistic relationships are. There's

1:14:42

this bit of a subtext to

1:14:44

that story, which I know

1:14:46

was a book before that it's worth

1:14:48

holding on to this person that you

1:14:50

were friends with years ago for the

1:14:53

possibility that it might turn into something

1:14:55

because that deeply what you want. And

1:14:58

by staying in that psychological space, you really

1:15:00

don't have a space for any kind of

1:15:02

healthy relationship with anyone else. You're secretly planning

1:15:04

for them for years and years of your

1:15:06

life. I think of those as like those

1:15:09

stories we have with someone is like the

1:15:11

unhatched eggs of our love life that we

1:15:13

sort of coddle and nurture and keep warm.

1:15:15

And they they almost keep us from

1:15:18

ever having to live a real life. They

1:15:20

absolutely don't have to go out there

1:15:22

and like immerse ourselves in life and

1:15:24

be active and involved participant in real

1:15:27

messy, imperfect relationships. We get to hold

1:15:29

on to this perfect idea of this

1:15:31

egg that never actually hatches. But if

1:15:33

it did, it would

1:15:36

be incredible. And that's what so many

1:15:38

of those stories are about. I've certainly been

1:15:40

in a situation these like will they won't say

1:15:42

and it feels comfortable because you found somebody that

1:15:44

knows you that maybe you're attracted to that feels

1:15:46

like a safe space. And it does prevent you

1:15:49

from having to go out into the world and

1:15:51

face real dating. And it can be really dangerous

1:15:53

and you can roam around in that for a

1:15:55

very long time. Some people forever. Yeah,

1:15:57

but it does cut you off from. experiences

1:16:00

but also really good ones and people

1:16:02

that really do want to be with you. And

1:16:04

that's the thing is like we have to

1:16:06

suspect ourselves if people who

1:16:09

are unavailable to us are

1:16:12

constantly attractive to us and people who

1:16:14

want us we have a weird kind

1:16:16

of contempt for. Like

1:16:18

yeah, that we have to start going what's

1:16:20

going on here that the people that actually

1:16:22

turn to meet me are

1:16:25

people I instantly devalue. And

1:16:27

the people that are just out of reach I keep

1:16:30

telling myself a story about how important they are. I

1:16:33

love this line that says there was a series

1:16:35

of things but it said third and the most

1:16:37

troubling are the self-esteem issues that contribute to

1:16:39

our over valuing this person we barely

1:16:41

know and under valuing our own self.

1:16:44

Like it's so crazy when you put it into perspective

1:16:46

like that. Like this person who has not given you

1:16:49

much all of a sudden they're on this pedestal and

1:16:51

you feel like something's wrong with you. It

1:16:55

comes from many places but

1:16:57

we're making this person more

1:16:59

important than our

1:17:02

happiness. Like when we're literally not

1:17:04

paying attention to the fact that this person makes

1:17:06

us miserable. That having them

1:17:08

in our lives makes us anxious all the time.

1:17:11

It's the complete opposite of you know this

1:17:14

person's in my life because they make me

1:17:16

happy because they I feel like more

1:17:18

of who I am in front of them I

1:17:20

feel like I'm at home with them I feel

1:17:22

like they make me a better version of myself.

1:17:24

It's literally the antithesis of all of those things.

1:17:26

I'm not happy unless of myself. I pretend to

1:17:28

be something that they will be attracted to to

1:17:30

try and hold on to them. I

1:17:32

feel like I can't truly be vulnerable

1:17:35

about how I feel. I avoid saying all

1:17:37

of the things I really want to say

1:17:39

to this person and it definitely

1:17:41

doesn't make me the best version of myself.

1:17:43

It makes me a version of myself that

1:17:45

is anxious and unhappy and detached from my

1:17:47

family and friends who don't even

1:17:49

get a good version of me anymore because

1:17:51

I just feel unhappy all the time because

1:17:53

of this person. How can that be the

1:17:55

thing? Yeah. How do

1:17:57

we retrain these? Yeah, how do we fight against this? So

1:18:01

first, there has to be a sense of

1:18:03

real compassion about how we ended up in

1:18:06

a place where we are overvaluing those

1:18:08

things. Like there's a race car driver,

1:18:10

Mario Andretti, that said like a tip

1:18:12

for race car driving was don't look

1:18:15

at the wall. Your car

1:18:17

goes where your eyes go. And

1:18:19

the wall for me was like growing up

1:18:21

a certain way. I had a lot of

1:18:24

hypervigilance. And one

1:18:27

of the ways that manifested was like if I was out

1:18:29

with my brothers, I would always be the one who's like

1:18:32

the guard who's worried something's going to happen.

1:18:34

And if you're looking for the wall, you'll

1:18:36

always find it. If you're looking for a

1:18:38

guy you can't trust, you'll

1:18:41

always find it. If

1:18:43

you're looking for someone to abandon you, you'll always

1:18:45

find it. And if you can't find it, you'll

1:18:47

create it somehow. Because

1:18:49

that's the reality you know and you keep

1:18:51

crashing into that wall over and over again.

1:18:54

And I realized that about myself. You

1:18:56

can't help but see it everywhere for

1:18:59

people. So a huge part

1:19:01

of changing our wiring and our instincts

1:19:03

is understanding, ah,

1:19:06

this has nothing to do with this person in

1:19:08

this room. Or this person I'm

1:19:10

dating. This is a pattern that's followed me my

1:19:12

whole life. And

1:19:15

look, maybe this person is untrustworthy. I just

1:19:17

don't know that yet. But maybe they are.

1:19:20

What I know is that I keep

1:19:22

recreating this situation or I keep pushing

1:19:25

people away by not trusting them. So

1:19:27

I'm going to deviate from my programming

1:19:29

and do something slightly different. And

1:19:32

I think of it in terms of like what's a 1% shift

1:19:34

that you can make that's a

1:19:36

little bit different to what you would normally do. If

1:19:38

you've been cheated on your whole life, it's hard to

1:19:41

believe that people aren't going to cheat on you. That's

1:19:43

really hard. It's like you can't just believe something new

1:19:45

because you want to at least. I've

1:19:47

never had that ability. So what

1:19:50

we can do instead is just get

1:19:52

curious what could be a different reality

1:19:54

or a different way of being than

1:19:56

mine. And I think

1:19:58

one of the best places to get curious. is with

1:20:00

people we know who are living very

1:20:02

different lives than we are. Let's

1:20:05

say you have a friend who's in a relationship

1:20:07

and you really respect that relationship. You think

1:20:09

it's a great relationship and

1:20:11

you get jealous all the time and they

1:20:13

don't seem to have those problems and yet every

1:20:15

relationship you've ever been in, it's like jealousy is

1:20:17

a major feature of the relationship. Talk

1:20:20

to them and say, why

1:20:22

don't you guys get jealous? Like what's going

1:20:24

on? Interesting. Tell me

1:20:26

what's happening with you guys that this

1:20:28

doesn't occur. And what you'll hear from

1:20:30

them is moments where

1:20:33

the exact same thing that you

1:20:35

go through or the exact same

1:20:37

circumstances happen but where you go

1:20:40

left, they go right. And

1:20:42

you realise like you could say to someone, so wait,

1:20:44

if your partner was like talking to someone and you

1:20:46

felt this and you could feel an energy and like,

1:20:48

what would you do? And then you

1:20:50

hear them go, well, you know, honestly,

1:20:53

and you hear them say something completely different

1:20:55

than the way you think about it. And

1:20:57

then you go, oh my God, that's another

1:20:59

way of being. And

1:21:02

maybe I can't instantly just do

1:21:04

a brain transplant and get all of their belief

1:21:06

systems. But if I could

1:21:08

borrow 5% of that and then use that in

1:21:11

my relationship right

1:21:13

now with the

1:21:15

person I'm dating, I can deviate a

1:21:17

little bit from my normal programming. And

1:21:19

when you get curious in that way and

1:21:21

you almost become like a social experimenter with

1:21:24

your own patterns and you just do something

1:21:26

slightly different and it gets a slightly different

1:21:28

result, it is like a

1:21:31

new universe opened up to you where you

1:21:33

realise, oh my God, my experience of this

1:21:35

life, I've been telling myself that's just life.

1:21:38

But actually, my experience of this life has always

1:21:41

just been my experience of this life. I

1:21:43

love the advice of like, look at friends whose

1:21:45

relationships, the respect and see how they do something

1:21:48

a little bit differently and jealousy and being cheated on is a good

1:21:50

example because you can say to

1:21:52

a friend, like your boyfriend goes out all the time without you,

1:21:55

that doesn't bother you, that would make me feel crazy. And your

1:21:57

friend could say, I don't know, I chose a partner that doesn't

1:21:59

make me feel crazy. me feel like I can't trust

1:22:01

them. And here's how I found somebody that I do

1:22:03

feel like I trust. And here's the characteristics of that

1:22:05

person. Like I just, I love that advice of just

1:22:07

saying like, how would you handle this thing? Cause I

1:22:09

couldn't, couldn't be me. You have to

1:22:11

make peace with the fact that when you

1:22:14

ask those questions, you are

1:22:16

like a toddler learning to walk

1:22:19

in an area where other people may

1:22:21

be natural athlete. I've been running. And

1:22:24

that's okay because they didn't have

1:22:26

the same trauma as you. They didn't

1:22:28

go through the same things they like developed

1:22:30

differently. So by the way, you're an athlete

1:22:33

in areas where other people are a toddler.

1:22:35

That's okay too. But I really believe in

1:22:38

asking really, really

1:22:41

dumb, basic questions

1:22:44

about areas of life that you admire other

1:22:46

people in where you feel

1:22:48

like, God, I know this is easy for some

1:22:50

people. And for me, it's the hardest thing in

1:22:52

the world. I really believe in that. Yeah.

1:22:55

I think we also asked you like a really

1:22:57

loaded question about what the whole book's about. Like

1:22:59

I think we're like, so how do we, how

1:23:02

are we better about this? And that's kind of what the

1:23:04

whole book is. It's like really broken out into like a

1:23:06

bunch of different segments that I feel like I was saying to

1:23:08

you earlier, if you really read this cover to cover, you

1:23:10

are retraining those instincts. That's almost like what the

1:23:12

book is. So I feel like we really lobbed

1:23:14

a heavy question to you. But like one

1:23:17

thing I loved is this, these are

1:23:19

small things that we're learning, which one of

1:23:21

the chapters I love so much was that

1:23:23

attention is not intention. And I

1:23:25

love that statement, but then you also

1:23:27

broke it up into six steps for

1:23:29

sorting attention versus intention. And you wrote this

1:23:32

line, don't invest in someone based on how much

1:23:34

you let them invest in someone based on how

1:23:36

much they invest in you. So

1:23:38

just little things like that, or like

1:23:40

maybe someone never thought of that. Maybe

1:23:42

someone never thought that attention is different

1:23:44

than intention. Can you explain a little

1:23:46

bit of that? Attention can

1:23:49

feel like intention, someone

1:23:51

gives us attention. It's like the best thing

1:23:53

in the world. This person I like, likes

1:23:55

me. That's the best feeling ever. It feels

1:23:57

like we've discovered like, you know,

1:23:59

the Holy Grail. The Oh My God. This is

1:24:02

it. This is one supposed to feel that.

1:24:05

We forget to check in with whether

1:24:07

this person has any of the same

1:24:09

intentions. way to ensure like I there's

1:24:11

a chapter in the book courthouse to

1:24:13

tell love stories as a really important

1:24:15

chapter because. It focuses on

1:24:17

what love stories we tell ourselves

1:24:19

or how we tell ourselves love

1:24:21

stories to either make them important

1:24:24

are insignificant and there are four

1:24:26

levels of importance.right about in any

1:24:28

situation as admiration which is just

1:24:30

what you think someone is. Great.

1:24:32

From afar. Think they're attractive, hot,

1:24:35

sexy, charismatic, eligible, whatever. But there's

1:24:37

something about the me really like.

1:24:40

Not very important. Thing. Cause

1:24:42

that's where like you get unrequited love from

1:24:44

they may not even know you exist for

1:24:46

science or is no importance level to is

1:24:48

mutual attraction and as the phrase we were

1:24:50

just talking about with someone you like is

1:24:52

giving you attention back and it's feels like

1:24:55

the most important stage you like I found

1:24:57

it now I just have to make it

1:24:59

work. We're. All the time people saying he

1:25:01

can't feel times has he never asked me

1:25:03

out Why? yeah Said that could elicit. doesn't

1:25:05

get a mile away. He likes. His

1:25:08

like right? he likes you it. It's that went

1:25:10

when people. Say does he like me? It's like.

1:25:12

Yes, Yeah, that's what happens or

1:25:14

whatever. ninety the bar did. He likes

1:25:17

you to know when. Yeah, like that's

1:25:19

the key. Thing to focus are you focusing

1:25:21

on the wrong part of it because the

1:25:23

national level three comes in is. You.

1:25:26

Go beyond mutual attraction to commitment.

1:25:28

Are they saying yes? And if

1:25:30

I'm not saying yes, then Level

1:25:32

to becomes kind of worthless. Really?

1:25:35

Was it was the value of someone doesn't say

1:25:37

yes at the end of the online right? then?

1:25:39

Level for is compatibility. And

1:25:41

compatibility is do we actually worked

1:25:44

together. But when you're talking about

1:25:46

that chapter, attention has no intention.

1:25:48

That really highlights a key difference

1:25:50

between level two and level three.

1:25:53

Level to is just attention. but

1:25:55

level three is really about do we have

1:25:57

the same intentions do you want to really

1:26:00

Relationship. No, you don't. Okay. Well, then

1:26:02

this is really a waste of my time

1:26:05

and we have to start Getting

1:26:08

very very clear about what is a

1:26:10

good use of our time and and

1:26:12

also one of the things I hope

1:26:14

this book does for people is that

1:26:16

it's not just about learning Who

1:26:19

and what to say no to? It's

1:26:21

a bit more proactive than that. It's a bit more Empowered

1:26:24

than that. I love that idea of investing who

1:26:26

invests in you I think

1:26:29

of it almost like there's this pride

1:26:31

proactivity spectrum We're on one side

1:26:33

is extreme pride where you

1:26:35

never do anything because screw everyone I'm not gonna let

1:26:37

give them the power to reject me and then on

1:26:39

the other side is extreme proactivity Where

1:26:41

you just keep being the initiator and

1:26:43

you don't have any shame about constantly

1:26:45

chasing someone down even though they're not

1:26:48

trying The best way to be

1:26:50

is somewhere in the middle of those two things Yes, sometimes

1:26:52

you miss a person that could have been good for you

1:26:54

because you're on pride And by the way,

1:26:56

I was in danger of that like I I want to

1:26:58

hear we gotta hear this the end of how this Worked

1:27:00

out by the way with the you and Audrey but but

1:27:03

she was by far not by far that

1:27:05

she was like the more She

1:27:07

was the braver one like she had

1:27:09

real standards about what behavior she wouldn't

1:27:12

wouldn't accept. Mm-hmm She was that incredible

1:27:14

warmth and kindness. Mm-hmm. It really messed

1:27:16

me up Because

1:27:18

I didn't know You

1:27:22

know when someone has standards But they have them

1:27:24

in such a way as you can

1:27:26

kind of walk away going the way they

1:27:28

did that was really out of order I feel the

1:27:30

anger in the way they express the boundaries

1:27:32

and the standards and I think it is

1:27:34

hard sometimes to communicate boundaries and standards In

1:27:36

a way that sounds not angry because some

1:27:38

things are just like you could behave correctly

1:27:41

or by you know I feel bitter. Yes,

1:27:43

you've been burned so many times I

1:27:45

think that you blame a lot of people for the

1:27:47

mistakes of the last person and it can sound really

1:27:50

angry and that's normal Sometimes I have to type out

1:27:52

a text message and I have to read it as

1:27:54

though I'm the person that is reading it And I

1:27:56

think like that sounds angry The

1:28:00

Reader: With a town that doesn't sound great

1:28:02

and it's it's a hard balance destroyed. It

1:28:04

really is. and they are. Some things people do

1:28:06

that you'd be justified in having a clone in

1:28:08

the way you come back to them. Cloudless. But

1:28:11

this phone. In a way. that phone is kind

1:28:13

of. The ego part

1:28:15

of Us theme Pompeii boundary. In

1:28:17

Pompeii the standards were you just make

1:28:20

clear what is okay and what's not

1:28:22

okay like item. Remember early on. I

1:28:25

got jealous about something. And.

1:28:27

I went to this. Very.

1:28:31

Kind. Of shot down passive aggressive as

1:28:34

you know the was when up and

1:28:36

from that point on like she knew

1:28:38

I was off. Couldn't

1:28:40

get in. And. She's like

1:28:42

what is going on and eventually like

1:28:45

I said something by didn't say that

1:28:47

made me jealous and it made me

1:28:49

feel threatened. Ice started making her wrong

1:28:51

for something. And.

1:28:53

It created real argument and.

1:28:56

Again, at no point was I like I'm

1:28:58

I'm not letting you in. To.

1:29:00

What's happened here? Because. That would

1:29:03

make me feel to been like that would make

1:29:05

me feel like I'd like given up my power

1:29:07

and now I'm gonna get out bulldozed. You know

1:29:09

if I really am honest with you and I

1:29:11

have had a relationship by the way where I

1:29:14

like took a moment to be more vulnerable than.

1:29:16

I felt like I wanted to be. And

1:29:19

I spoke an insecurity. And.

1:29:22

This. Person said to me. This.

1:29:25

Is my worst nightmare actually happened?

1:29:27

I said this insecurity and this

1:29:29

person's it's me. I

1:29:31

find that really unattractive. Oh now

1:29:33

and see, it sent me. You

1:29:35

know I see when you imagine moments

1:29:37

way. You. Like I could have. Come.

1:29:40

To the dark side, they're like I could

1:29:42

have gone full voldemort from that point on.

1:29:44

and like eyes light snacks. That was one

1:29:46

of those moments where I was like in

1:29:48

my head i'm never doing that again. Play

1:29:51

right like never again. Fuck that like spot

1:29:53

for neighborhood. I am. really

1:29:58

she told me i will be I'm like, I'm

1:30:00

not gonna do my vulnerability and now I feel like a

1:30:02

pussy. Exactly. A hundred percent. And

1:30:05

of course, that was the wrong lesson to take

1:30:07

from it. But at the time, it was like,

1:30:09

I'm never doing that again. And when Audrey

1:30:11

like finally pulled out of me, like what

1:30:14

had affected me about this situation after way

1:30:16

too long of us going back and forth,

1:30:18

she then had to experience a whole second

1:30:21

wave of me having this vulnerability hangover where

1:30:23

I was like, now I'm shut

1:30:25

down because I feel like I've said too much. And

1:30:27

here we go. Now you're gonna find this unattractive and

1:30:29

you're gonna see me as this is gonna be the

1:30:31

truth of me now. Not all of ways I've been

1:30:33

awesome so far, but this moment right here is now

1:30:36

gonna be the truth of how you see me. And

1:30:39

she said to me firstly,

1:30:41

like, you can't come

1:30:44

to me in the way that you've come to me over this.

1:30:46

Like, this is not okay. But

1:30:48

like, I understand that this is something that hurt you

1:30:51

and it hasn't made me less attracted to you. Like,

1:30:53

I actually love getting to know you better and I

1:30:55

love understanding you more and it just feels like I

1:30:57

feel closer to you as a result of this conversation

1:30:59

and I love that. And it doesn't change any

1:31:02

of the stuff that I think is amazing about you. I just

1:31:04

think I know you better. And it

1:31:06

was like, for me, that was a moment

1:31:08

of, oh, I'm safe. Like, I'm safe in

1:31:10

a way that I never thought I could

1:31:13

feel safe. I thought the only way I

1:31:15

could feel safe is by never letting this

1:31:17

stuff out. And it's crazy when we look back

1:31:19

in our lives. Like, I started thinking about this and I

1:31:21

was like, this has been a pattern my whole life. This

1:31:23

is not like something that came out

1:31:25

with Audrey. Well, I gotta ask

1:31:27

you, what happened after this text

1:31:30

of her being like, this

1:31:32

doesn't sit right with me. Like, how did you guys

1:31:34

get to where you are now? I actually think this is the

1:31:36

best part of the story. Well, yeah, we

1:31:38

wanna hear like how you guys ended up together from

1:31:40

her being like, that's not gonna fly. Everyone is always

1:31:43

like, that's awesome that she sent that.

1:31:45

That's not even the most awesome thing

1:31:47

about Audrey. It didn't result in me

1:31:49

going, oh my God, let's

1:31:52

be together. I got

1:31:54

that message and I felt very called out

1:31:57

and I was self-aware enough at that point

1:31:59

in my life. life to look at that and go she's

1:32:02

right and it would be unfair

1:32:04

for me to like try to

1:32:06

turn this situation into anything because yeah

1:32:08

I'm not being intentional right now so

1:32:12

fair enough like she's put her cards

1:32:14

on the table and I'm gonna back

1:32:16

away I did not get a text

1:32:18

message three days later saying

1:32:22

so how are you because that's what

1:32:24

a lot of people do because when they have

1:32:26

a standard and they send a text

1:32:28

like that it's not really a standard

1:32:30

it's a tactic and

1:32:33

tactics when you don't

1:32:35

get the result you want right just change tactics

1:32:37

and do something totally but standard is who you

1:32:39

are you don't renege on a standard just because

1:32:41

you didn't get what you want or what you'd

1:32:44

hoped for you stay to it

1:32:46

because it's who you are and just because

1:32:48

I backed off nothing changed about it from

1:32:50

her side and I remember reaching out to

1:32:52

her a little while after

1:32:55

that and being like this was a

1:32:57

few months I think and I I

1:32:59

was like I'm I'm coming back to London

1:33:01

do you want to catch up you want

1:33:03

to go for a coffee and she sent

1:33:05

me a message and she was like yeah I'm

1:33:08

sort of seeing someone now and it might be

1:33:10

serious so it just wouldn't be fair for me

1:33:12

to meet up with you or be texting

1:33:14

you but I hope you're great and

1:33:16

I was like I'm like on the edge of

1:33:19

my seat how this worked out I know

1:33:21

well that's the crazy thing is like that sucked

1:33:23

for me because I thought she was great and

1:33:25

and I was like how wait forever I was

1:33:27

like yeah like what the fuck you went and

1:33:30

got boyfriends like what the hell but I was

1:33:32

like fair enough and she's

1:33:35

hot but eventually I went back to London and

1:33:43

she had reached out to me

1:33:46

and sent me a text I don't

1:33:48

know what it was asking how I was because of

1:33:50

the integrity she had had when she was seeing

1:33:52

someone I was like if she's sending me this

1:33:54

text she's definitely single of course so

1:33:56

we met up and nothing

1:33:59

changed about her standards. I remember

1:34:01

getting to the point where it was like getting

1:34:03

physical and she was like, listen, I'm not doing

1:34:05

this again. If you're not open to actually

1:34:08

seeing where this goes, I

1:34:11

have no interest in this. Like this, let's

1:34:13

just talk this up to like, it's been

1:34:15

a nice time. It's been great to see

1:34:17

each other again. But I'm not interested in

1:34:19

going down this road if you're

1:34:21

not actually coming from an open frame of

1:34:23

mind about seeing what this could be. She

1:34:26

wasn't saying like, we have to call each

1:34:28

other an item right now. She was saying,

1:34:30

unless you're open to seeing what this could

1:34:32

be, keep your clothes on. I'm not exactly,

1:34:34

exactly put them back on. Let's

1:34:39

be real. But it's, you're naked. She

1:34:41

rejected you. There's

1:34:44

a very particularly sorry state to

1:34:46

be in. Well, I'm naked. So I'll be

1:34:48

your boyfriend. He's

1:34:50

like, fair enough. But that was

1:34:52

the beginning of it. And it really

1:34:54

like for her, every step of the way,

1:34:56

it was like, and this has become a

1:34:58

really important word for me when I'm

1:35:00

talking to people is progress. Everything's

1:35:03

not black and white in life. It's not always like,

1:35:06

we're not together tonight, we're together tomorrow in a

1:35:08

relationship. It's not like that. But are

1:35:11

you actually feeling a sense of

1:35:13

progress? And what you can

1:35:15

say to someone, I

1:35:17

remember her saying to me, it was like, in

1:35:20

six months, this is a right, we

1:35:22

don't have to be together, you can decide that this

1:35:24

isn't right for you. You're not going to be the

1:35:26

villain in the story if you decide, like, oh, it's

1:35:28

not right after all. And by the way, we might

1:35:30

get six months from now, I might decide that

1:35:32

you're not right for me. Yeah, like, either

1:35:35

of us are entitled to do that. But what I'm not going

1:35:37

to do is put energy into

1:35:39

this. If you're not actually going all in

1:35:41

right now to see what it could be,

1:35:43

if you're going to half ass it, then

1:35:46

let's not bother, because I'm not going to

1:35:48

give you my best energy. And you're giving

1:35:50

me half of yours. Either you genuinely are

1:35:52

seeing where this could go, or let's not

1:35:54

bother. But you're not signing in

1:35:56

blood, no one has you know, I'm not asking you

1:35:59

to make a that we're always gonna

1:36:01

be together. I'm asking you to commit to seeing

1:36:03

what this could actually be if we're

1:36:05

gonna bother with this. And that,

1:36:07

I think, was a very powerful thing because it

1:36:10

simultaneously created a high bar for

1:36:13

what she expected while

1:36:15

simultaneously lowering the stakes.

1:36:19

And for me in my head, lowering the

1:36:21

stakes was actually what I needed because

1:36:23

I had been in situations before where I

1:36:26

had run it down the road with someone and

1:36:28

then I'd hurt them and I felt like, oh

1:36:30

God, like I hated myself every time. I

1:36:33

always ended up feeling like a villain. I hated myself.

1:36:35