0:04

It was really sad, the first line is like,

0:06

you know I could have been on Broadway and

0:08

I was like, wow, this is rough. Eli's watching

0:10

this too. It's fine. It's fine.

0:14

It's fine. I don't think. Noah,

0:17

you were introducing another scene, you were doing

0:19

an important- so if you pick up the

0:21

pace Noah, if you don't mind, fuck. Jesus,

0:23

keep it moving. So

0:25

yeah. Heath, we have to fire Noah. installment

0:34

of moreassed by

0:36

Pete know

0:51

the game cast where each week we sample

0:53

another selection from Christian cinema because of our

0:55

deep psychological need for you to like us.

0:57

I'm your host Noah Lucien since sitting 700

0:59

miles to my immediate left is my good

1:02

friend Heath and right Heath welcome back. Unwatchable.

1:04

Yeah. Unwatchable. Sure was. Can we

1:06

do the glargo blah blah blah blah again?

1:10

I feel so bad that you missed that one but

1:12

no unfortunately we have to move on. Well before we

1:14

do I have to also introduce that dude sitting under

1:16

most of my north east he is my bad friend

1:18

Eli Vosnik Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir?

1:21

Better than this movie Noah better

1:23

than this movie.

1:25

One would have to be. Lowest

1:27

bar to clear. So tell us

1:29

Heath what will we be breaking down

1:31

today? We watched church

1:34

people produced by

1:36

Mike Lindell. It's

1:39

the story of Joey Fatone

1:41

of In Sync having a psychotic break

1:44

next to a Christian movie produced by

1:46

Mike Lindell and they just worked it

1:48

the fuck in. They were like yep

1:50

he's in the movie now there we

1:53

go. Yep. I think he's actually in

1:55

a psychosexual fugue state. Joey's down in

1:57

real life. Yeah. It's possible. And

2:00

Eli, how bad was this

2:03

movie? Well, if you

2:05

love the moment when a YouTuber

2:07

opens their OnlyFans page, but

2:09

you wish it was less

2:12

self-aware and a little more

2:14

sad, you will love this

2:16

movie. Yeah, so

2:18

this movie is like

2:20

written and starring some

2:22

jackass-hack Christian comedian, right?

2:25

And it's one of those movies where it's

2:27

surprisingly well-lit and the cinematography is

2:30

basically competent and the sound is

2:32

basically competent, and you're just blown

2:34

away by the fact that it's

2:38

still this bad, right? You know what this

2:40

is? This is the Christian movie version of

2:42

when I tell people I'm a podcaster and

2:44

they're like, oh, for a living? And I'm

2:46

like, yeah, for a living. The

2:48

fact that this movie got made is

2:51

the surprise other people feel when I

2:53

say I survive via a podcast. Right,

2:55

right. Like when he tells people that

2:57

like, yeah, no, no, they're making my

2:59

movie. Yeah. Your movie. Because I read

3:01

that. All right. So is

3:03

there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the

3:05

best or be the worst at? Yeah.

3:09

I mean, I already mentioned Michael and Dell and Joey Fatone,

3:11

so I'm going to go with Steven Baldwin. Best worst. Yeah.

3:14

Fucking Baldwin. And another one is in it for

3:16

a second too, but Steven Baldwin.

3:18

I hate this guy so fucking much.

3:20

He lives in my hometown like 10

3:22

minutes from the house where I grew

3:25

up. Oh, does he? Yeah.

3:27

Oh, he's your justice Alito. The way that I

3:29

struggle with just believe I'm sure the fuck is.

3:32

I've actually like almost got arrested

3:34

for some. Nevermind. Yeah,

3:36

really close. And

3:39

he owes my hometown so much fucking

3:41

money. He like went bankrupt or he

3:43

defaulted on his house. He owes like

3:45

millions of dollars in taxes. Oh, really?

3:48

So he started a ministry based

3:50

on extreme sports. Yeah,

3:53

fucking dead. It's called assault

3:55

tours, but like salt because

3:57

like past assault is some

3:59

bullshit. I don't know. It's

4:01

spelled wrong. He did that. This movie is

4:03

about don't do that But they got him

4:05

to be in it. Yep, and assault tours

4:07

is in the movie It's in the opening

4:09

where they're yeah, the bike We

4:12

assault that's his ministry. Yeah, right. Yes.

4:14

Yeah, not aware that he's a

4:16

fucking bad guy in the movie Neither is

4:19

everybody else in the movie one other detail

4:21

about Stephen Baldwin. I have to mention he

4:23

has H M

4:25

as a tattoo on his shoulder for

4:28

Hannah Montana Hannah Montana. That's a real

4:30

thing Yep, and really he did that

4:32

because he talked with Miley Cyrus and

4:35

he was like, I won't be on

4:37

your show Hannah Montana She was like, okay, if

4:39

you get a tattoo of me, I'll let you

4:41

do it So he did and then she was

4:43

like, yeah still no go fuck yourself I

4:47

love her So true story

4:49

of when I first saw Stephen Baldwin in

4:52

this movie when he first appeared I wrote

4:54

down Oh Stephen Baldwin is obviously the asshole

4:56

rival character And then I just realized that

4:58

Stephen Baldwin just exudes asshole so much that

5:01

that's not it at all. Actually No,

5:03

he was going for he's just such

5:05

an ass. He might be the Christ

5:08

character of this movie. Yeah Here's

5:11

the thing. This is my theory. Okay,

5:13

so there is a trope in movies

5:15

that that is called something like magical

5:18

black person Right. I

5:20

think that character was written as a magical

5:22

black person and they were doing the table

5:24

read and Stephen Baldwin was like I

5:27

can be that part and they were

5:29

like, oh no, it's um, it's

5:31

a trope and he was like, I'm a black person And

5:33

they were like Don't

5:36

start talking, please. No, all right, Stephen Baldwin

5:38

you can do it Alright,

5:42

so I was gonna go with best

5:44

worst popping your own balloon, right?

5:46

Okay, so this movie Constantly

5:48

creates moments of tension and then

5:51

immediately Undercuts them immediately says no, not

5:53

actually, that is not tension There's no tension

5:56

in this movie. Still don't Yeah, don't worry

5:58

with Grandma. It's insane. This movie. Refuses to

6:00

have a plot at any given moment, so

6:02

much so that it introduces a subplot to

6:05

the film for no reason. but then deceased

6:07

sit in that scene. Yeah, right, like it

6:09

doesn't want to bother you to might as

6:11

well like kid speed into the carpet and

6:13

gently basket. Resists

6:16

very has won. the movie eats

6:18

itself like and or boris of

6:21

plotline so bad yes. And

6:23

of course I'm gonna take the easy one.

6:25

I'm gonna go with best Worst running from

6:28

a problem of your own creation because lox.

6:30

This movie is about the fact

6:33

that you cannot sell Christianity with

6:35

the gospel and a reminder the

6:37

gospel is when you die. If

6:39

you believed in Jesus you get

6:41

to go to heaven and sit

6:43

by the right hand of God

6:45

for ever and ever And that

6:48

is such on imaginably unconvincingly to

6:50

horse shit that everyone rides on

6:52

a string bicycles and dresses up

6:54

like that. I am Gwen and

6:56

has a Batman First of the

6:58

gospel Yes and this movie talks.

7:01

About that without ever once pointing

7:03

out that the state of the

7:05

universe as they believe it is

7:07

not interesting enough to hold the

7:10

attention of thirteen year olds whose

7:12

parents are already that religions who

7:14

uses drugs. Is

7:17

it's funny because this movie is self

7:19

aware, but it doesn't seem to be aware

7:22

of how self aware it is. Is

7:24

it is they were. It rides a

7:26

fine line and falls the fuck off

7:28

site. There was a what we've got a

7:30

lot of other people's work or drama

7:32

to talk about are gonna take a

7:34

minute for ourselves before we do that

7:36

school vegan a minute with all the

7:38

nearly plotless ramblings that our. Church.

7:41

People. The. Of

7:43

the brakes this week are going

7:45

to be self care breaks for

7:47

his efforts. Specific union mandated a

7:49

mini than entire spa day before

7:51

we come back into their ssssss.

7:55

This. episode of sponsored by better help a

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Okay okay everyone look I know there's

9:00

been some confusion. Craig was

9:02

told that he would get to

9:04

make a wacky comedy about a pastor

9:06

learning that the gospel is enough. Promised?

9:08

I was promised that y'all. Yeah

9:10

but and Alan was told he would get

9:14

to make a heartwarming movie about a guy

9:16

reuniting with the daughter he gave way for

9:19

adoption. Thank you yes. And

9:23

Joey Fatone is here. Thank you.

9:26

Yeah cuz

9:30

you were a singer Joey yes. A

9:33

good singer. So

9:36

look why don't we

9:38

just sort of squish

9:40

all of this into one movie. Um

9:43

but wouldn't that be like indecipherable

9:45

nonsense? Yeah with like

9:47

wild shifts in tone. I mean

9:50

yeah it was

9:52

always gonna be a Christian movie. Right

9:55

yeah that's fair. Okay sure. I

9:58

agree. Joey

10:01

shut the fuck up. Don't yell

10:03

at Joey Fatone. Fine. I'm last.

10:05

Sorry. Warning. Okay. And

10:10

we're back for the breakdown. We're gonna open up on a

10:12

logo that while not the least expensive we've

10:15

ever seen is so bereft of

10:17

creativity that it still manages to

10:19

be the cheapest, right? Yeah, how

10:21

excited were you guys when you

10:24

saw Mike Lindell present? Yeah,

10:26

right. So this is the get-ahead. We're doing

10:28

this right after we did the Stravinsky and the mysterious

10:30

house. And right after that, it's really hard for me

10:32

to get fired up about another one because I was

10:34

like, whatever I see, it's gonna be a big letdown

10:37

after that insanity. And then I saw Mike Lindell presents

10:39

and I'm like, you know what? Never mind. I'm actually

10:41

in now. And

10:44

then the next thing on the screen is Joey Fatone.

10:46

And I was like, what the fuck is happening? And

10:50

then Donald Faison. And I was like,

10:52

okay, what do Joey Fatone,

10:54

Donald Faison, and Mike Lindell have

10:56

in common? There's an answer now.

10:58

It's this. Yeah, this movie that

11:00

I'm about to watch. A very

11:02

weird free weekend. Yeah. So. And

11:05

two Baldwin's. Yeah, crazy. Yeah. So we get

11:07

our credits over a bunch of people who

11:09

are going into, I guess, a church

11:12

or a theater to see this, like, this

11:14

youth pastor who's on a youth

11:16

pasting tour that all

11:19

the cool kids are going to now. Right.

11:21

And Noah sort of teased this in the

11:23

opening, but I do have to point this

11:25

out. The guy who made this

11:28

movie and is the star of the movie

11:31

does this. So

11:33

it's a very strange plot

11:35

for a movie, right? It would be like

11:38

if Joey Fatone was in a movie about

11:40

a washed up boy band member who would

11:42

take any part in any movie he's ever

11:44

offered. He doesn't get the thing. Who wrote

11:46

this movie? And why did he agree to

11:49

be it? Because he can't have written it

11:51

because then he went right back on the

11:53

road and was like, eh, more of this,

11:55

I guess. So I'm very confused. I'm very

11:57

confused by who was self-aware of whom. in

12:00

this particular arrangement. To be clear, Joey Fatone

12:02

is in the movie you just described. It's

12:04

this movie that we're about to talk about.

12:06

Yeah, it is. Yep, exactly. Right,

12:09

like the bizarre level of self-awareness in this

12:11

movie just baffled me. I don't know, they

12:13

could be on like level seven of... Like,

12:16

I don't know which they're on, but it's dumb

12:18

and bad. Right. And they're not aware, but it's

12:20

a lot of levels. Did Senior Pets make this

12:22

movie? He has to. Okay, so... Hahaha! So

12:26

yeah, so we're gonna meet our

12:28

character, our main character. This is

12:30

Guy Sides, is the name they went

12:33

with. Come on. It's Guy Sides. Guy

12:35

Sides, he comes out and he

12:37

introduces DJ Jazzy Carl, and I

12:39

was like, is this a prank?

12:41

What is happening? Guy? This

12:44

is just a line name. That's like, what's your

12:46

name? Guy... Sides. Man.

12:50

Her... existence. Existence. Her

12:52

name. Shit. Yeah,

12:56

and then this is very important. He comes

12:58

out to like, you know, youth past at

13:00

us. Everybody's very excited, and somebody throws him

13:02

a beach ball, and he signs it and

13:04

throws it back out. This is very important

13:06

to the plot. Yeah, I mean

13:09

honestly, as important as anything else

13:11

in the movie... Sure, yeah, right.

13:14

So then we cut to like, he's done.

13:16

He's walking off stage, and his agent is

13:18

there. This is Donald Faison, right? Ah, this

13:21

is so mad. I watch her... I watch her up.

13:23

Three episodes of Scrubs. I stopped it here. I was

13:25

like, I'm watching Scrubs. Absolutely. What's

13:27

so clear in Donald's

13:29

performance in this is

13:32

that he was instructed just to

13:34

do Turk from Scrubs, but

13:37

Donald Faison liked Zach

13:40

Braff, and he obviously like, doesn't want

13:42

anyone in this movie within five feet

13:44

of him. So he's doing all the

13:47

catchphrases, but things that would end with

13:49

like, high fives, or hugs, or duchess,

13:51

he's in like a dance bubble of,

13:54

my contract was explicit, no one gets

13:56

within six feet of me again. There's

14:00

this great conversation where basically like Donald Faison's

14:02

going like, hey, yeah, we're making a lot

14:04

of money with this tour. And

14:06

the main character, Guy Sides, is like,

14:09

yes, but it's really about reaching people's

14:11

souls with the gospel of Jesus Christ.

14:13

And that's what I'm really here for.

14:17

Which is hilarious because then we find

14:19

out that they're like 18 inches away

14:21

from the people waiting to buy merch

14:23

while they're having this conversation. I

14:25

would like to start doing this. We occasionally

14:28

go out and do meet and greets after

14:30

live shows. I would like us to have

14:32

a full volume conversation about our audiences before

14:35

we step over without acknowledging it. Yeah, right,

14:37

right. So yeah, and I

14:39

do want to point out that our lines

14:41

to get pictures after the shows are generally

14:43

longer than these fictional lines that Thor wrote

14:45

for himself. Yeah, well, we hire a lot

14:48

more extras than they did because they hired

14:50

three. They got fucking nine

14:52

extras, but they zoom out way too

14:54

much. So you see an entirely empty

14:56

room except for nine extras being like,

14:59

yeah, there's only

15:01

nine of us though. Sign

15:04

mine again. No, don't say that. We

15:06

can see you circling back into the line. All

15:08

right, I'm wearing a mustache. So

15:13

yeah, but we follow him along on his

15:15

tour right where he's in Dallas, he's in

15:17

Memphis, he's in Kansas City. The

15:20

last one was New York City and I'm

15:22

like, bullshit, just bullshit. You

15:24

sure didn't, man. You sure didn't.

15:26

Also, this is very important. Everybody is going to really

15:28

matter the plot. So we got to tease it here.

15:31

Before he goes out on stage every night, he asked

15:33

God to bless Mabel. Yes,

15:36

he's like, yes, God, I can't do it without you.

15:39

Look over me, make this a great show

15:41

and may your blessings be upon Mabel or

15:43

whatever crazy fucking shit. They

15:45

say their prayers. Will that matter to

15:47

the movie? Do we even get

15:49

to Mabel? I mean, yeah, we get

15:52

Mabel, but yeah. We get to

15:54

it. We get pretty Mabel. I

15:56

didn't really watch. Okay, you let me know.

15:58

Don't ask questions. So

16:01

yeah, but so his money grubbing

16:03

agent who is the only African-American

16:05

character in the entire goddamn movie,

16:07

right? Besides Stephen Baldwin, yes. His

16:11

money grubbing agent is like, hey man, that

16:13

beach ball thing that you did at the

16:15

One Live shows has really gotten big. You should

16:17

be the beach ball guy. We should really lean

16:19

into that and sell beach balls as merchants.

16:21

He's like, I don't want a bunch of

16:23

gimmicks. I just want to, you know, preach

16:25

the gospel. And

16:28

Donald Fazio is like, yeah, but that's that we're not

16:30

going to make any money off of that though. So

16:32

that's fuck that man. That sucks. That's a

16:34

terrible idea. And to be clear podcast listener, I know

16:36

what you're thinking. Oh man, I must have done that

16:38

thing where I accidentally hit the back 30 seconds button.

16:41

I thought that's the conversation they had in the last

16:43

scene. It is. They're just

16:45

having it again now here in this moment

16:47

in this scene. Oh, this movie

16:49

was trying so hard to make the word count.

16:51

There are entire plot lines that

16:54

were clearly added to make the

16:56

word count. Right. Yeah.

16:58

By the way, if you want to look up this actor,

17:00

he's actually not an actor. He's a Christian comedian. Hell yeah.

17:04

His name is Thor Ramsey. No,

17:06

the fuck it isn't. According to

17:09

his own personal site, he

17:11

is the nationally known

17:13

Christian comedian. Oh, well,

17:16

or Ramsey. In that

17:18

case, I put a picture

17:20

in there for you. Eli, you OK? Yes.

17:23

It's truly a like hostile work

17:25

environment situation that he has put

17:27

this in our notes. Listener, by

17:29

the way, he has several specials

17:31

in case you're wondering, they're called

17:33

Thou shalt laugh one, two

17:35

and three. And how I

17:37

met my father. Cool. Oh,

17:40

interesting. Get it? Because the cheese is

17:42

God's father. Also

17:45

yeah, his soul patch is a big

17:47

OSHA violation, I would say. Like I

17:49

apologize. Yeah. Oh, for sure.

17:51

Not only does he have the soul

17:53

patch, but he's wearing these like rounded,

17:56

ever so slightly purple tinted glasses. It's

17:58

just it's just too fucking much. Yeah,

18:00

that's definitely his author photo. He was like and

18:02

you know, there are times where I'm serious where

18:04

my walk wasn't as easy Name

18:09

an author that's not your name Shit

18:15

doctor author fuck you So

18:21

we cut to him he's like he's signing Merch

18:24

and stuff after the after one of his shows and

18:26

somebody has a beach boy. He's like, hey, could you

18:28

sign my beach boy? Why are

18:30

we talking about this instead of Jesus dying

18:33

on the cross? And the guys

18:35

like cuz I've heard of fucking Jesus dying on

18:37

the cross man The

18:40

entire fucking thing he's like shouldn't we be focusing

18:42

on the gospel and the guys like I'm already

18:45

a Christian He's like, oh, right. That's why we

18:47

make it entertaining because we're all Bought

18:50

in but we want you to attend and give us

18:52

10% of your income, right? Yes There

18:54

are 89 more minutes of movie are there

18:56

cuz that would be embarrassing Could

18:59

you imagine if we're sitting this day in there on

19:01

our merch table and just stop the line dead to

19:03

be like Let me convince you that God doesn't exist

19:10

You piece of shit, I don't believe in God

19:12

fine, let's go nine people

19:15

in this line So,

19:18

yeah, so so then we cut to his boss

19:21

this is past we're gonna meet pastor skip who's

19:23

the cool mega church pastor that he works for

19:25

and he's gonna tell Pastor

19:27

skip about the central conflict in the movie,

19:30

right? In case we haven't picked up on

19:32

it being like entirely spelled out in the

19:34

three previous scenes Yeah Also

19:37

just for anyone who's following along because I

19:39

was very confused until like four seconds before

19:41

the end of the movie Pastor skip is

19:43

supposed to be a bad guy But

19:46

like it like a bad guy bad guy

19:48

not just confused or misguided He's supposed to

19:50

be the villain of the film Which

19:53

I don't understand until he does something way

19:55

villainous towards the end because in the beginning

19:57

He's just a guy who rides around on

19:59

scooters wears a tie-dye t-shirt. Right. Yeah,

20:02

exactly. Just a better pastor than

20:04

other pastors who like made this

20:06

movie jealously about pastors who do

20:08

well and get attention, for sure.

20:10

Yeah, right. Exactly. He's supposed to

20:12

represent the megachurch pastor that sold

20:14

out to...but not that much, right,

20:16

because he's still supposed to be

20:18

motivated by his love for Jesus.

20:20

Again, the movie is self-aware, but

20:22

it's not self-aware enough to actually

20:25

say what the problem is, right?

20:27

Also, and this is worth pointing

20:29

out, this isn't what

20:31

a pastor who is sold out is

20:33

like, right? Fucking Joel

20:36

Osteen and the guy who thinks airplanes are

20:38

tubes full of demons, right? They're

20:40

all in suits and they're

20:42

all prosperity ministers, right? There

20:44

aren't a bunch of like

20:46

hip, jazzy, cool pastors corrupting

20:48

the gospel. There are a

20:50

bunch of fucking monetary vampires

20:52

convincing your grandma to give

20:54

her their life savings. This

20:56

movie is attacking a straw

20:58

man that barely exists

21:01

and when it does, it's

21:03

a slightly less harmful version

21:05

of their actual villains. Right.

21:07

Yeah, well that's the thing is that

21:10

they're never attacking the actual villainous shit

21:12

that he does, right? Like dedicate this

21:14

gigantic building to making money instead of

21:16

helping people and shit like that. None

21:19

of that, because they're not against any of

21:21

that, right? They're in favor of

21:23

stodgy bastards like Joel Osteen and

21:26

Kenneth Copeland instead of, you

21:28

know, hip, cool pastors who try to make

21:31

the Bible interesting. So, but

21:34

basically, Guy is saying, Pastor Skip, I don't

21:36

want to do this anymore. I want to

21:39

just return to the simple days of just

21:41

preaching the gospel and the

21:43

pastor Skip is too busy trying

21:45

to decide what superhero outfit to

21:47

go on stage for for this

21:49

sermon to pay attention to it.

21:52

Boss pastors like you can't quit.

21:54

There would be fucking consequences. I

21:56

really thought I could name a consequence of

21:58

a pastor quitting their day. job.

22:00

I couldn't. Also,

22:04

I just want to throw this out

22:06

there that this will be the first

22:08

of truly dozens of scenes where Guy

22:10

quits his job, leaves his job, resigns,

22:13

let's go. And I point that

22:15

out because the end of the movie is

22:17

going to try and make that a moment

22:19

of tension. But just a reminder here in

22:22

the very first scene between Guy Seitz and

22:24

Pastor Skip, he tries to quit his job.

22:26

Yes. Okay. Question for you guys. How

22:29

long was this scene? Was it like a look?

22:31

Because I feel like I wasn't

22:33

paying, I couldn't not look at the

22:35

Mike Lindell bobblehead for, I guess, like

22:37

15, 20 minutes. I

22:39

was just staring at a Mike Lindell bobblehead.

22:42

Then I found one online and I bought

22:44

it and then I was like, Oh, sure.

22:46

I'm going to spend the next several years

22:48

bothering my pillow about returns and refunds constantly.

22:50

It's going to be their nightmare. Every day

22:53

I'm going to do this. They had to

22:55

sell all their phones. They don't take all

22:57

their phones. Yeah, right. So yeah, speaking of

22:59

which, right, this is the moment where he's

23:02

like, what you need is a good nap. And

23:04

I shit you not. He takes out a my pillow

23:06

from the my pillow box and he

23:08

says, try a my pillow. It'll be

23:11

the most comfortable nap you've ever taken.

23:13

Come on. I'm looking at the, it's visibly

23:16

uncomfortable. He takes it out and I was

23:18

like, I heard. Your neck would be

23:20

at a 60 degree angle.

23:22

Yeah, that would be such an

23:24

uncomfortable lumpy ass fucking pillow.

23:27

It looks like someone like laid

23:29

their head on a down comforter in some sort

23:31

of apocalypse scenario and was like, if I ever

23:33

make it out of this, I'm going to make

23:36

a pillow that's just like. All

23:40

right. But so yeah, but but guys, as

23:42

I quit, he goes to Storm out and

23:44

he's on his way out. Everybody's like, Oh,

23:46

we need you to sign these beach balls.

23:48

And he stabs him with a pen because

23:50

he's so sick and tired of the beach

23:52

balls. I love that he failed at stabbing.

23:54

What? So

23:57

good. There were no takes. There were no.

24:00

he successfully popped all the beach balls. Think about

24:02

that. It was like a proud boy trying to

24:04

rip the sign. It was so good. Yes.

24:08

So he storms past them and

24:10

this is where he runs into

24:12

Stephen Baldwin dressed as fucking Orville

24:15

Rennbacher at a disco.

24:18

Yeah. No, the what I think happened is they were

24:20

like pitching this character to Donald Faison and he was

24:22

like, if you try and dress me that way, I'm

24:24

going to flush your head down the toilet. And they

24:26

were like, no, no, no, this is for Stephen

24:30

Baldwin character. Yeah.

24:33

Right. So but but Stephen Baldwin

24:35

is going to be as as he's

24:37

already alluded to the Christ character in

24:40

this film. Right. He's just

24:42

going to magically show up with wisdom

24:44

now and again, starting here.

24:46

Right. Guy's about to leave and he's

24:48

like, well, you know, the children will

24:50

sure be disappointed to lose their youth

24:53

pastor. And he's like, you're right. And

24:55

he turns around to be a youth

24:57

pastor anyway. Yeah. At one point

24:59

he turns to Chad and he goes, Chad, why are

25:01

you here? And I wanted him so badly to be

25:04

like, well, Alec really carried us with him in the

25:06

late 80s and I'm just kind of running on that.

25:08

Oh, no, that was why are you in

25:11

the movie? Oh, actually, I owe a bunch

25:13

of money to Heath's hometown. Alec really carried

25:15

us with him. So,

25:20

yeah, and then the pastor comes out on

25:22

the segue because he's wacky. He does wacky

25:24

stuff. And then we

25:26

get this drone shot of

25:28

this insanely big church. Right.

25:31

This insanely big wow, how many homeless

25:34

people go with fit in here church.

25:36

Yeah. And we see like, I guess the

25:39

service is starting Chad, Stephen Baldwin's characters greeting

25:41

people at the door. We cut

25:43

into the church. There's bicycle tricks. There's

25:45

people doing BMX backflips behind the pastor.

25:47

Right. And that's special. Thanks to salt.

25:50

Yeah. To assault tours. This is supposed

25:52

to be bad. The movie saying it's

25:54

bad. And they were like, Stephen, I

25:56

heard you have like a perfect evil.

26:00

Yeah, I got you. I

26:02

started that company. Wait, wait, we can't suggest that. He'll

26:04

be insulted that we use him as a bad example.

26:07

I promise you, he's involved and does not have that

26:09

thought. He's three feet away from us right

26:11

now. He's just not even in it. Buddy,

26:14

you counting your thumbs again? Almost got him.

26:16

You sure do, bud. You sure

26:18

do. We're going to use

26:20

your bike, guys, that you named a salt.

26:22

Yes. So

26:27

yeah, and then the pastor, I guess, he's going

26:29

to get a tattoo live on stage. He said,

26:31

if we, I said, if we broke attendance records,

26:33

I would get a tattoo live on stage. So

26:35

he's going to do that. Right. More.

26:38

He's a bad pastor, I guess. So,

26:41

and we're going to contrast this with a quick shot of guy

26:44

being a youth pastor and being much more

26:46

down to earth and grounded in the gospels

26:48

and everything. And I only really bring that

26:50

scene up because that's where we meet Blaze, who's going to pay

26:52

one of the kids, one of his kids

26:55

in youth group. Oh man, this poor young

26:57

man. And I mean the actor. I mean

26:59

this actor, right? Because he was obviously the

27:01

most gifted kid in his Christian school drama

27:03

club. And they were like, you're going to

27:05

be in a movie with Thor fucking

27:08

whatever his last name is. And he

27:10

called, oh my God, I'm going to

27:13

Hollywood. You is a nationally known Christian

27:15

comedian, Thor Ramsey. I'm going to bring

27:17

my baseball collection. It's going to be

27:19

the best. So

27:23

yeah. So, but then we get Guy and Pastor

27:25

Skip. They're leaving the church at the end of

27:27

a long day of work. Right. And

27:30

this is where we shoehorn in

27:32

the fact that Pastor Skip's missionary

27:34

daughter is going to come home

27:36

from Moldova and is single now.

27:42

Perhaps there will be a love interest.

27:44

And Guy is even like, I don't

27:46

know if I really need a love interest this early

27:48

in the movie. And Skip says, no, that's okay. I

27:50

was actually thinking of hooking her up with Tino. And

27:53

this is where we're going to meet

27:55

Joey Fatone's character, right? The humorously

27:58

arrogant singer in the movie. the church band.

28:01

Okay, let's talk about it.

28:03

Let's talk about a couple things. Let's be

28:05

brave. Hold my hand carefully. Everyone

28:09

hold my hand. I'm a giant in sync fan. Be

28:11

careful. I know you are.

28:13

I know you are. Here's what I

28:16

would say. As a large

28:18

bodied man, if my

28:20

name very easily became

28:23

Joey Fat One, I

28:25

would be very concerned with

28:28

my physical health and

28:30

would take care to it. I think he

28:32

has something titled Joey Fat One. Okay, well

28:34

there you go. See, he knows. He knows.

28:36

Yeah, he certainly knows. Item

28:39

two on the schedule that we need to

28:41

discuss is the bit that they have Joey

28:43

Fatone do is he sings, right? But

28:45

they just do that same bit

28:49

like nine times in the movie.

28:51

He never does anything but that

28:53

bit. It's possible bit. Yeah, it's

28:55

so fucking bad. Yeah. By the

28:57

way, Joey Fatone doing a tour with AJ from

28:59

Backstreet Boys, getting it all mixed up, right? I

29:01

feel like you already had that window open. I

29:03

feel like you already have it. I

29:06

feel like that's a Google alert situation

29:08

and has nothing to do with our

29:10

job right now in this moment. It's

29:12

important. Opera Po of something. It's important.

29:14

It's important. Link in the show notes. So

29:19

we meet him briefly. We realize he's going to be

29:21

what we get instead of comic relief for this film.

29:24

And then we go to Guy's office. He's sitting there.

29:26

He's just hating life. When suddenly

29:28

that kid Blaze stops by to ask if

29:30

he's allowed to fuck mannequins. This

29:33

scene rules. Who snuck this

29:35

scene into this movie? Because I would have

29:37

written this scene. Like this scene, word for

29:39

word, be for be, I probably would have

29:42

said the word come. But other than that,

29:45

this scene rules because it's just him being

29:47

like, well, you know, none of us are

29:49

perfect. And being like, yeah, yeah, sure. I

29:51

want to rub their wooden hands on either

29:54

side of my cock until I come on

29:56

their perfectly still faces. Use your

29:58

religion to dissuade me from doing. And

30:00

he's like, ahhhhhh, it's tough

30:02

one. That is a

30:04

tough one. Well, and they accidentally

30:07

point out one of the dangerous things

30:09

about their stupid fucking religion, right? Because the

30:11

kid's like, you know, I was trying to

30:13

stop looking at real women, and then suddenly

30:15

I saw all these sexy fake women, and

30:18

I'm like, yeah, man, that's what happens when

30:20

you start doing this bullshit purity culture, right?

30:22

Yes, I actually wrote in my notes, this

30:24

is the kind of conversation that only an

30:26

abstinence at only education can give us. Right,

30:30

yes, exactly. And guys try to talk to

30:32

him about it, but there's this weird, like,

30:34

he's trying to do, like, uncomfortable talking to

30:36

kid about sex thing, but like, you're

30:39

the youth pastor and you're trying to talk about

30:41

puberty. You

30:43

should probably be able to do that,

30:45

right? Right. That's like one

30:47

of the few qualifications to have your

30:49

stupid non-job, right? But

30:52

as they're having this conversation, Carla,

30:55

the pastor's daughter, comes in. And we

30:57

don't, sorry, I was going to say

30:59

we don't know it's the pastor, we

31:01

know, but Guy apparently doesn't realize that

31:03

this is the pastor's daughter, right? Okay,

31:05

I'm going to be honest with you

31:07

guys, this actress is so much younger

31:09

than this actor that the twist worked

31:11

on me. Like I actually had

31:13

a moment where I was like, oh, it's

31:15

the daughter, because I couldn't fathom that this

31:18

person who is 20 years

31:21

younger than the fake character. I would say

31:23

that's fair, right? She's probably in her 30s.

31:25

He's 25, he's like 60. Yeah, right.

31:27

Yeah. So yeah, 20

31:30

something years younger comes in and yeah, I

31:32

can see you going like, well, I couldn't

31:34

possibly be the love interest. That must be

31:36

his daughter. Yeah, I thought it was the

31:38

daughter. Okay, thank you. Yeah, yeah. No, we'll

31:40

get there. This will happen again

31:43

with a girl who's practically the same age.

31:45

So just, you know, the little teaser there,

31:47

but they're supposed to be having this, you

31:50

know, they're supposed to have an awkward

31:52

meet cute, but this guy is a

31:55

terrible writer. So he's basically throwing his

31:57

own poop by accident. Yeah. So

32:00

again, here's the comedy bit he pitched and

32:02

then we'll talk about the execution. The comedy

32:04

bit he pitched is she signs up to

32:06

be a volunteer, but he wouldn't be allowed

32:08

to date her so he doesn't accept her

32:11

application. But instead she's just like, I'm here

32:13

to be a volunteer and he's like, fuck

32:15

you. No, wait, no. Yes.

32:19

I'm sorry. At one

32:22

point, Blaze pops into frame and goes, I hate

32:24

this scene. And I was like, hey, yes. Hey,

32:26

stay on your side of the screen, Blaze. Right?

32:29

I mean, he keeps having these lines that are

32:31

again supposed to be the movie being self-aware, but

32:33

they're just too self-aware. He's like, this scene

32:35

is weird and poorly written. You

32:38

guys are being weird and I'm fucking

32:40

a mannequin right next to me. You're

32:42

being weird right now. I have a

32:44

mannequin hand inside my pants, cupping my

32:46

balls at all times. Way less problematic

32:48

than you. Stop me right now.

32:50

Right. Try to stop me. You

32:52

can't. So yeah, there's this bit where

32:54

she's filling out a form to be a volunteer and

32:57

he realizes he can't date her if she's a volunteer.

32:59

So he throws her form away while she's filling it

33:01

out. He just pulls it away and crumbles it up

33:03

and throws it away. The

33:05

movie, we don't have her name yet

33:07

because they didn't write her having a

33:10

name yet. And then he physically fails

33:12

the Bechdel test again by like coupling

33:14

up paper and throwing it away. It

33:17

takes forever. Yeah. So

33:19

she leaves apparently finding this quite charming

33:21

and then Blaze grabs the paper out

33:24

of the trash and we find out

33:26

that she's the pastor's daughter, Carla. So

33:31

okay. So then we cut to

33:33

Tino and the band practicing. This is the scene

33:35

where Pastor Skip's going to introduce Joey Fatone to

33:38

his daughter, like sexily. Yeah.

33:41

And again, like it

33:43

sucks because they just have him do this scene

33:45

over and over again. So in this scene, he's

33:48

like, oh, it's my daughter. And he's

33:50

like, uh, bear boy band singing.

33:52

And she's like, ew, fucking gross.

33:54

And he's like, all right, I'll see

33:56

you at the next scene. Yeah. I'm

33:58

going to do this again. over again for the

34:01

rest of the fucking movie. Fuck you. I was

34:03

in sync. I fuck people so much hotter than you. What?

34:07

Nothing? Yeah, but

34:09

she's not interested in him. I wrote

34:11

in my notes at this point, the ads are

34:13

such a welcome relief in this film. Yeah,

34:16

this baby's a freebie on Prime. Yeah.

34:19

Yeah. Every time an ad break came up, I was like, oh, this

34:21

was three and a half minutes. Nice.

34:24

I longed for them. My ad. Because

34:26

freebie is also, it's like 97 ads in each break.

34:28

Yeah. I'm going to get

34:30

a soda and take three shits. Yeah,

34:32

right. So

34:34

that we get, once again, them accidentally

34:37

highlighting how embarrassingly large this church is,

34:39

we get this scene where I guess

34:41

Pastor Skip is taking his golf cart

34:43

out into the parking lot to wherever

34:45

Carlos parked because the fucking place is

34:47

too big to walk through the parking

34:49

lot of. And they're having

34:52

a conversation about why it is that she

34:54

doesn't want to fuck Joey Fatil. And

34:56

the conversation, I just have to point this out,

34:59

takes a weird right turn into, I feel

35:01

abandoned by you because you spent so much time

35:03

being a pastor rather than being my dad. And

35:05

he's like, yeah, that movie is not about that.

35:07

And she's like, yeah, no fair. The movie is

35:10

not about that. Right. And they

35:12

never talk about it again. Yeah. This

35:14

is the first popping of their own balloon. She's like, well,

35:16

you know, I felt like as a child, you ignored me

35:19

for this church. And he's like, but I didn't though. And

35:21

she's like, that's a great point. I hadn't thought about it

35:23

like that. And that's it. That's it. And

35:27

he's like, he's dropped her off at her

35:29

car and he's like, will you at least

35:31

consider fucking Joey Fatil? And she's like, do

35:34

you have like a like a

35:36

romantic interest in him that you're not

35:38

allowed to pursue because your worldview doesn't

35:40

allow you to express your true desires?

35:42

He's like, no, I can we go

35:44

to a break? Can Noah call

35:46

for a break? I don't know. Did he

35:48

win over our hearts with bye, bye, bye? I don't even

35:50

know. I'm

35:53

a 98 degrees guy. I don't even know what you

35:55

mean. Yeah. It's stupid.

35:57

This poster is ironic. It's

36:01

on your ceiling. Why are mannequin hands hanging

36:03

from it? It doesn't matter.

36:07

I had extras. Wall was full. All

36:09

right. Do you guys think... Wait, no,

36:12

this is important. Don't cut to commercials. Do you

36:14

guys think it's weird to jerk yourself off with

36:16

mannequin hands? Because I did a bit about it.

36:18

All right, well, the closest thing we have to

36:20

stakes is who's gonna fuck Joey at this point.

36:23

We're not gonna get a hell of a lot better

36:25

than that. So we've earned another... A moral consideration. Thank

36:27

you, Hia. You guys have a little backup here. It's

36:29

just... He can't cost in

36:32

the commercial. I can cut whatever I want.

36:35

I'm doing the other. We'll be back in

36:37

a minute with even more. What about the

36:39

feet? Church people. Hey, Noah. What's

36:43

up with the spear, scuba suit, and hang glider?

36:45

I'm canceling subscriptions, Lucinda.

36:49

And here I am feeling like my question is

36:51

still unanswered. Well, then clearly you

36:53

haven't canceled subscriptions in a while. These companies make

36:55

it nearly impossible to figure out how to stop

36:57

giving them money. The last time I had to

36:59

cancel a streaming service, I had to descend into

37:01

a dark cave, solve three riddles, and swap

37:03

out an idol with a similarly weighted bag

37:06

of sand. I feel like you're exaggerating.

37:08

And that's not even to mention the Balrog on

37:10

the way out. But Noah,

37:12

if you want to cancel your unwanted subscriptions, why

37:14

don't you just use Rocket Money? What's

37:17

Rocket Money? Rocket Money is

37:19

a personal finance app that finds and cancels

37:22

your unwanted subscriptions, prepares your spending,

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and helps lower your bills so that you can

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grow your savings. Rocket Money gives

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37:35

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37:37

even signed up for, Rocket Money can help you cancel

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it with a few taps. They'll even try to negotiate

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to lower your bills for you by up to 20%.

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All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill, and

37:48

Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal

37:50

with the customer service for you. So

37:52

I won't need my spear? I hope you

37:54

don't need it one way or the other. Well, how do

37:56

you break through customer service's phalanx? I

37:59

use Rocket Money. RocketMoney has over 5 million

38:01

users and has saved a total of $500

38:03

million in canceled

38:06

subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when

38:08

using all of the app's

38:11

features. Alright Lucinda, I'm sold. How do

38:13

I sign up? Stop wasting

38:16

money on things you don't use.

38:18

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going

38:20

to rocketmoney.com/awful movies. That's

38:23

rocketmoney.com/awful movies.

38:26

rocketmoney.com/awful movies.

38:30

Okay so they they fire the rocket into

38:32

the phalanx? There is

38:35

no actual rocket Noah. Oh.

38:39

From the makers of church people and

38:41

way more movies than they'd like to

38:43

admit. Wow a brand

38:45

new church building. It's huge.

38:48

Comes a movie with just a little

38:50

too much self-awareness. I mean you could

38:53

house hundreds of people in here. Even

38:55

as a kitchen. But we're using it

38:57

to pray. Right. This

39:01

summer. Oops

39:04

we're the bad guys. It's

39:07

probably fine. Yeah it's fine. A lot

39:10

of space. A lot of

39:12

space. Right? So

39:14

much space. And

39:18

we're back for more of the ship. We're gonna rejoin

39:20

the action with guys showing up for a meeting with

39:22

Pastor Skip. So we didn't mention

39:24

this earlier because everything in this movie is

39:26

boring and why bring up anything. But earlier

39:29

he was trying to think of a big

39:31

gimmick for his Easter sermon and he's finally

39:33

come up with a great idea. Right.

39:36

Skip comes into the office and

39:38

he's like, Skip we're gonna have

39:40

ourselves a crucifixion. Yeah a

39:42

real one. Yeah well yeah and

39:44

guy has to go like, oh you mean a

39:46

passion play right? Because it's so hard to think

39:48

of an idea that's too over-the-top for Christianity that

39:50

they have to explain that. No no no this

39:52

is like a more over-the-top version of the thing

39:55

that we already do that's so goddamn over-the-top and

39:57

ridiculous. And then he's like, what you

39:59

mean like they do in Mexico and the

40:01

Philippines because it's literally impossible to think of

40:03

an idea that's too over the top for

40:05

all of Christianity. Right. That's

40:07

so funny. What's so funny about it too is

40:09

that they have to be like, yeah, I mean,

40:11

God probably doesn't like that. It's like, really? I

40:14

heard that people in Mexico and the Philippines are

40:16

actually like way more divided. I know. Yeah. No.

40:19

It's like a really important scene in the Bible. Like they make a big

40:21

deal of that. No, no, God wouldn't like it. Right. But

40:24

I want to do it anyway. So yeah,

40:26

a guy is like, no, that would be

40:28

a mockery of the gospel. It's an homage.

40:30

And I'm like, neither of you are correct.

40:32

But sure. Okay. I

40:36

have a question about this scene because

40:39

in the middle of this scene, they're like having

40:41

this scene. It's boring. Oh, you should do it.

40:43

No, I don't want to. Right. He

40:46

stops for a water break and the

40:48

music goes. Bam, boom, boom,

40:50

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah.

40:53

Like he's going to fuck the water bottle when he

40:55

gets over there. And then they continue the scene and

40:58

it's never acknowledged or comes back in any way. I

41:01

don't necessarily need you guys to tell me why

41:03

it happened. I just need to know you saw

41:05

it too. I need you to validate that it

41:08

did happen. I was thinking that the

41:10

water was going to be held by a mannequin

41:12

somehow and it would turn into a sexual situation

41:14

based on the music. Ooh, sure. Yeah.

41:18

But now, yeah, but that's the key is

41:20

that they're trying to talk guy into being the

41:22

one who's crucified. Right. Because the

41:24

pastor had the idea that crucifies some other

41:26

dude and like, look, it would

41:28

have been really easy for them to have him say

41:31

like, I can't do it because of my heart condition

41:33

or whatever or something like that, but they never do.

41:36

So he's just like, I want, I don't want, because that would hurt.

41:38

I don't want to do it. But

41:40

guy is like, no, I don't, I don't want all

41:42

these gimmicks. I think the gospel is enough. And

41:45

I wrote my notes. Well, clearly it isn't because all

41:47

the unsuccessful churches had that too. Right.

41:50

Right. And the way the church

41:52

is giant and successful is because of the shenanigans.

41:54

You know, it's fine. It's fine. Right.

41:57

Yeah. So yeah. to

42:00

be crucified because nobody else will take the job. On

42:02

his way out, he runs into Carla,

42:04

who is also against the crucifixion idea

42:06

and will be his sidekick now for

42:08

the rest of the movie for reasons

42:10

that we don't establish. In

42:12

complete opposition to the first scene they had together,

42:14

right? The first scene was like, I don't know

42:16

if these two can get along and they're like,

42:19

never mind, we get along, we get along and

42:21

we're fine. We're basically romantic interests

42:23

for the rest of the movie because we agree

42:25

on this one point. Yes! Yeah,

42:27

exactly. Like, again, way to puncture your

42:29

own fucking balloon. All of that work

42:32

that's clumsy ass work you did to

42:34

try to drive a wedge between them

42:36

is just completely undone. Apparently

42:38

off screen or with a wink or

42:40

something at this point. Yeah.

42:43

So, but apparently she's gonna go help him do

42:46

youth pastor shit, right? They go out to

42:48

the van, all the kids are out there

42:50

and they're gonna go like, minister to people

42:52

at the homeless shelter. Yeah,

42:54

we don't actually get that scene because this

42:56

movie could only use this megachurch in this

42:58

van. Yeah, right, right. And

43:01

they don't actually do any of that fucking helping

43:03

the homeless people shit. They wouldn't shoot. They're not

43:05

gonna give any footage of that. Well,

43:07

right. And that's the thing too, is that like,

43:09

that's the movie accidentally underscoring the opposite of the

43:11

point they're trying to make, which is that

43:14

like, obviously we as an audience don't give

43:16

a shit about the actual Jesusy shit. It's

43:18

the gimmicky stuff around that that we're here

43:20

for, right? Okay, so I

43:22

want to talk about the almost

43:24

kiss moment in this scene, right?

43:27

So she is telling him

43:29

that when she was in his youth

43:31

group, awesome, that he had

43:33

a really big influence on her. And

43:35

that was why she went to Moldova to be a

43:38

minister. And then he leans

43:40

into kind of sort of kiss her,

43:42

but then chickens out at the last

43:45

second. Right. Which is emphasized

43:47

to us because the other characters, the

43:49

children in the van go, oh man,

43:52

that was your chance to kiss her. Yes.

43:56

Why? Why was her

43:58

talking about her experience? as a

44:00

missionary in Moldova, this 40-year-old, this

44:03

man who is 20 years older than her

44:05

is Chance to Kiss her. Right? Yes,

44:07

exactly. Other than the fact that like you're

44:09

obviously the male lead and I'm obviously the

44:12

female lead, there is no reason, there's all

44:14

the reason in the world for him not to

44:16

since he was her fucking

44:18

youth pastor. She's

44:20

talking about her experiences as a missionary.

44:22

Is that a hot moment for Chris?

44:25

Our Christian's like, oh, yeah. Oh, tell

44:27

me about all the dead babies. Oh,

44:29

yeah? I feel like you're joking, but

44:31

it's definitely that, right? Oh, wrong

44:34

podcast. This cast does not

44:36

know. Missionary is a fuck word.

44:38

So I feel like the movie

44:40

was fully aware that he's like

44:43

60 years old and she's 25 and

44:45

they had to do something here too. So they

44:47

have that exchange where he's like, you aged.

44:49

And she's like, what are you fucking, are

44:52

you serious? Really? Touch

44:54

your toes right now. Fuck, you're a fucking

44:56

Christian comedian first of all. Go fuck yourself.

45:00

I'm a nationally known. Although you have old neck.

45:02

Look at your neck. It's old neck. You can't

45:04

get a neck lift. You can, but you've chosen

45:06

not to. Baseball glove with a rash. That's

45:09

your neck. You look like

45:11

Joe Biden's elbow. So, yeah,

45:13

so they almost have their kiss and then he's

45:16

just like, oh, but you were engaged to somebody,

45:18

so fuck you. And she's like,

45:20

really? And he's like, yeah, I guess we're

45:22

blowing that balloon back up after we popped

45:24

it. She's like, that's so weird. Why would

45:26

we un, which you could just rewrote the

45:28

scene. I think this actress was just like, I'm not

45:30

kissing him. Yeah, right. Cause they

45:32

never do to. They sure

45:34

don't. Caught on the neck. I can't even do that.

45:38

That's what it is. She got stuck in a

45:40

flap during the first take. And the

45:42

gobgo flap was like, hey, that's fucking dangerous.

45:44

You guys gotta be careful. And they were

45:46

like, thank you. Globgo, glob

45:48

go lab is an intimacy coordinator. A

45:52

lot of people know that. Right. So

45:55

he had to do something after the curse scene. So yeah, so

45:57

he's angrily pulling out in the base. Like, let's go to the

45:59

whole. I don't want to fight with you

46:01

anymore now up until then they've been talking

46:04

about how they're gonna talk pastor skip out

46:06

of Doing

46:08

this crucifixion thing they were doing a literal crucifixion.

46:10

That's the right. Yeah for the rest of the

46:12

movie That is the plot of movie now is

46:14

the plot of the film? Yes, and

46:16

but he's now angry because she

46:19

had a fiance and multiple Who'd a fuck

46:21

even those so he pulls out all angrily

46:23

how many people in this cast were like?

46:26

Well, don't it's not a real place Come

46:30

on I would I would like to

46:33

challenge any of them to name which continent right? Okay,

46:35

you got a one in seven So

46:37

okay, I don't think they would name a continent.

46:39

So yeah All

46:50

right, but yeah So he's angrily pulling out in the

46:52

van and damn it if he doesn't run into Teenos

46:55

car that's Joey Fatone's character He runs into Joey

46:57

Fatone's car and of course it's a Tesla because

47:00

that character supposed to be an asshole that we

47:02

don't like I guess things they

47:04

have chosen to make unlikeable in this

47:06

movie are baffling to it's

47:08

like we don't like electric

47:11

Vehicles because so far two of them

47:13

feelings have had a scooter and a

47:15

Tesla I think they're just scared of

47:17

non gas-powered moving things I

47:20

think that's exactly right But during

47:22

the conversation that he has with Joey

47:24

Fatone after they had their little fender

47:27

bender Somebody brings up insurance and

47:29

he's like aha insurance I've got an idea

47:31

on how we can stop the crucifixion now

47:33

we get the insurance guy involved, right?

47:36

Yeah, that's the level this plot

47:38

is stooping to they're now gonna go

47:40

speak to their insurance representative

47:43

and they It's not like

47:46

there's a bit that goes with it right like like

47:48

if we Is

47:50

there a bit is there a bit tell me the bit

47:52

I'd say the bit is called anti-semitism Probably

47:55

maybe you've heard of a little bit

47:57

called. I don't have any mint Huh?

48:01

Oh, I... okay, no, no, I had forgotten about

48:03

that. No, there wasn't bit with the mince. No,

48:05

no, give us the intro to this, because this

48:07

is... Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just want to... I

48:10

want everyone to capture it at home, because we like to give credit where

48:12

credit is to you. So he's there,

48:14

right, and they're talking about the plot, and then he's

48:16

like, oh, wait, I'm on a mince. Sorry, I know

48:18

what's gonna happen. Go ahead, go ahead. And then he's

48:20

like, oh, I'll get you some mince. That's

48:23

it. That's this being Mr. Mince. That's

48:26

it. That's this being Mr.

48:28

Mince. What? It's

48:30

so fucking dumb. If

48:34

you don't think they're calling back those mince...

48:36

Oh, yeah, no, they would be there. I'm

48:38

not gonna tell you, but they might. They

48:40

might. Those mince are the senior pets

48:42

of this movie. Let me tell you. Yeah, oh, absolutely. So,

48:44

yeah, no, but that's how this scene opens. He's

48:47

sitting there with the insurance guy, and the insurance guy

48:49

goes, I am shocked and appalled. I've run out of

48:51

mince. And he's like, oh, see, because we thought he

48:54

was shocked and appalled at the crucifix.

48:56

That's what we're settling for in terms of humor in

48:59

this second film. We also cut to...

49:01

So, I guess Carla's job was to talk Joey

49:05

Fatone into talking Pastor Skip

49:07

out of doing the crucifixion

49:09

too, right? So

49:12

we cut over from the insurance guy to her trying

49:15

to initiate that conversation, but she can't because

49:17

he keeps singing to her. That's

49:19

his bit, right? Just

49:22

singing from Joey Fatone. Right,

49:24

but again, we cannot possibly

49:27

emphasize how long these scenes are,

49:29

right? They're not three beats or

49:31

five beats. They do it like

49:33

six or seven times. And again,

49:35

the interaction is always the same.

49:37

It's always sweet, poor Joey Fatone

49:39

being like, you are

49:41

so beautiful, and her being

49:44

like, fuck you. And he's like,

49:46

oh, right, right. I don't get it. Yeah.

49:50

They could have done like 13 beats

49:52

and I would have been laughing. But they,

49:54

but they just go into a spot where

49:56

she's tied to a chair. And

49:58

there we go. Finding it is how

50:00

we're doing our vows by the way improvised singing.

50:03

Yeah, nice by we he means me

50:05

and him by the way I mean

50:07

me and Joey Fatone and maybe and yeah,

50:09

obviously if she plays her cards, right? So

50:11

Joey Fatone is like she break and rebuild

50:14

our hearts in 1997. No, I don't think

50:16

she fucking did I Hope

50:19

I got those ears red. I have no idea

50:21

when music things happen ballpark. Thank you Also,

50:24

and did that too. You don't know Entirely

50:27

possible she was the heartbreaker in 19. I

50:29

don't know what I'm talking about. I

50:32

had to do math for a second So,

50:38

yeah, so but he's like, well you can go you

50:41

can chat with me But we have to you have to

50:43

help me run this errand and then we cut to them

50:45

at a romantic restaurant together That was the errand he tricked

50:47

her into a date Yeah, and

50:50

to give you an idea how bad they are

50:52

at writing comedy here. They have an awkward silence

50:55

Right. That's one of the bits. We just watch

50:57

them not talk for a few minutes Yeah,

51:01

I thought I had accidentally paused the movie, but

51:03

no. Yeah, does it work as

51:05

a joke miles Davis of humor right

51:07

there The

51:10

joke they don't make in this right. Yeah,

51:12

exactly But he explains he

51:14

could have been on Broadway if only he'd learned

51:16

to tap dance or no, I'm

51:18

sorry He decided to do Jesus stuff

51:20

instead, right? He's got to be a

51:22

podcaster Really

51:24

said the first line is like, you know, I could

51:26

have been on Broadway and I was like, wow, this

51:29

is Ross I'm

51:37

different than this character. I can name and build

51:39

people up and broke their hearts in 1990. You don't

51:41

know And

51:43

uh, was it please? No,

51:47

you were introducing an important No,

51:51

if you don't mind fuck

51:54

keep it moving so

51:56

yeah, we have to fire no So

52:02

yeah, so he sings to her and we see that

52:04

she's texting Guy and she's like, I'm in an emergency,

52:07

help me get out of this shitty accidental

52:09

date with Joey Patone. And

52:12

because these fucking filmmakers are too dumb to

52:15

intertwine the scene of what she's doing and

52:18

the scene of what he's doing, we then get

52:20

a full scene of him doing something followed by

52:22

him getting that text as though the text was

52:24

being carried by a fucking pigeon or

52:26

some shit. So

52:28

this next scene is he's talking to his PR

52:30

guy, Donald Faison again. They might as well cut

52:33

to like a server room somewhere and it's just

52:35

like, beep, beep, beep, and cut

52:37

to the text happening. Yeah. But

52:39

Donald Faison loves the idea of him getting crucified.

52:41

He thinks that would sell a lot of, you

52:44

know, books and put some asses and seats in

52:46

his tours. Right? Yeah.

52:49

This is also where Donald Faison explains that

52:51

the church is whacked. And

52:53

I just wrote in my notes, man, they hired

52:55

Donald Faison to say this line and he said

52:57

this line, but no one was happy about it.

53:00

Okay. I think

53:02

this movie could secretly be a

53:04

season of a reality show with Baldwin,

53:07

Fatone and Donald Faison in it, but

53:09

they just don't know it. It's possible.

53:12

Ooh. Oh, okay. You

53:14

remember that show, The Jury, where they hired a bunch of the comedians

53:16

and the guy thought it was on a real jury, but it was

53:18

actually a fake jury. We do that,

53:20

but it's a terrible Christian film. I

53:22

like that. That's a great idea.

53:24

Yeah. That's good. Don't

53:26

take, hey, podcast listeners don't take that. I might have to, I

53:28

might have to just to exercise in the show. You

53:31

know, thank you. Hold on to this. Great. This

53:34

is our million dollar idea. Good stuff. Yeah.

53:37

But so, but the PR guy is telling them, because now he's

53:39

figured out, guy doesn't want to do it because he just wants

53:41

to preach the gospel and Donald Faison's character is like, well,

53:44

so what you should do is you should go

53:46

ahead and get crucified. And that would give you

53:48

a platform to talk about why doing

53:50

what you were doing is a bad idea. Spoiler

53:53

alert. That is how the film is going

53:55

to end. Right. That is

53:57

the day new mom. They said, oh, he's like, that's a stupid. Fuck

54:00

an idea and he's like it is a stupid idea.

54:02

We really shouldn't end our movie with it He's again

54:04

definitely wouldn't want to do that. He might as well

54:06

look down and scribble that onto the end of the

54:08

screenplay Also

54:11

operable of nothing I didn't just get

54:13

a Google alert There's a reunion of

54:15

scrubs that might be happening sometimes. Thanks.

54:17

I don't face on that guy. Yeah,

54:20

poor guy He needs it. God. Do you see

54:22

his plastic surgery in the Super Bowl commercial? Nothing

54:24

happens in this movie? No, I get Yeah,

54:26

I'll do it again So

54:29

but then this is where guy gets

54:31

the text right that he has to

54:33

go help Carla get out of her date with Joey

54:35

Fatone So we cut

54:38

back to the date He's now singing his order

54:40

to the server which I only bring up because

54:42

if Eli ever successfully takes me to a restaurant

54:44

I'm totally doing this. I am totally gonna sing

54:46

the order like this Jokes

54:48

on you I will do what I did

54:50

to my sweet sweet friend Matt cook the

54:52

other day and bring you to this diner

54:54

where they sing After 6 p.m. Cuz he

54:56

was in the Christian It's

55:00

the best by the way Joey Fatone's

55:03

line to sing here was Carpaccio

55:06

of beef and he

55:08

had no idea what that first noise was

55:10

and he sang Gaspacho with

55:12

beef because it was always It

55:18

was mostly goldfish crackers on the insane tour to

55:20

be fair Yeah So

55:23

guy the youth pastor shows up in the middle

55:25

of their date and literally

55:27

sits backwards in the chair

55:29

Yeah, well, he's a youth pastor. He doesn't know how to

55:32

sit. No, right, right Yeah, I was wondering if he was

55:34

ever gonna get around to it, but he does it he

55:36

does it if they sit normal They just slide right out

55:38

of it. It's Shape

55:40

there's a great moment where they're like, what are you doing

55:42

here? Because of course it makes no sense that he would

55:45

know where they're having dinner because we saw the text she

55:47

sent him And he might as well be like, oh no,

55:49

I said Soundstage I'm just

55:51

I just walked yeah There's

55:54

nothing behind you Yeah,

55:58

but he's like oh yeah, I need Carlos

56:00

helped for an emergency thing

56:02

and then they leave. So

56:05

this stupid ass bucket movie couldn't even come up

56:07

with a thing that he could pretend was happening.

56:10

This is how bad this movie is,

56:12

okay? The ending line is

56:14

Joy Fatone goes, you know what they

56:16

say about plans? That's it.

56:19

That is it. That is the entire joke. I

56:22

am talking. What

56:24

do they say about plans? No, we never find

56:26

out. We don't get that goal. Fast laid plans

56:28

of my... There are so many things you couldn't

56:30

find. I have a lot of stuff that they

56:32

say about plans. I bet he does that quote

56:34

afterwards. But

56:36

now I guess Guy is

56:38

going to take her on a date, but he's cheap

56:41

about it so they're just eating fast food in his

56:43

car. Right. And this is

56:45

supposed to be like, because she mentions it nine times in

56:47

the scene that he wrote for them. She's

56:49

like, oh, I like this so much better than

56:51

a fancy date where you don't get drunk and

56:53

getting a fight with the valet guy because he

56:55

brings you the car that you came in. Yeah,

57:01

no, there definitely is a... Well, yeah, actually

57:03

just sitting in your car eating fast food

57:05

is a very good date and anybody who

57:07

complains about that is probably just an asshole.

57:11

There's a very that vibe to it. Yeah. I

57:14

was on board for this scene. And

57:16

of course, they're fucking nuts. So

57:18

he prays over the food before they

57:20

eat it. He's like, you

57:22

know, God bless this food and look

57:25

after Mabel in case everybody forgot about

57:27

that from the beginning of Mabel. Mabel,

57:30

we will need to fill some time

57:32

later in the film. So please remember

57:34

that. Yeah, exactly. Right. And

57:36

of course, this is where Carla says,

57:38

hey, yeah, you were as a youth pastor, you always

57:41

used to pray for Mabel. Who is Mabel?

57:43

And he's like, uh, uh, uh, we're

57:45

not going to reveal that just yet.

57:47

Until later in the movie. And

57:50

the next day, guys in his office, it's time to

57:52

knock down those pins. We said, you know, that

57:54

big balloon that we just inflated about Mabel? We're

57:56

going to pop that real quick. You

57:58

know, the check off is going to be a good time. never goes off into

58:01

the hand of the person introducing it. This is a

58:03

smart move. I like it. Right. Yeah,

58:05

you don't expect it. So yeah,

58:07

a quote unquote teen girl comes

58:09

in to see him. This actress

58:11

cannot be three years younger than

58:14

Carla. Right. So she might as

58:16

well be Carla's twin sister. Yeah,

58:22

but she comes in to see him and he thinks that she's

58:24

just there for some youth casting. Right.

58:27

But she's actually his

58:30

daughter Mabel, but her actual

58:32

name is Gretchen. Yeah,

58:34

which is confusing and stupid. But

58:37

wait, wait, okay, I didn't understand

58:39

what had happened here. You're saying

58:41

he named her Mabel, but

58:43

now her name is Gretchen. Yes. So he

58:45

knocked the lady up. I had the assumption

58:47

that he always thought they would name the

58:50

child Mabel, but then they gave it away

58:52

for adoption and the adopted parents changed the

58:54

name like a rescue dog. Yeah.

58:57

But yeah, so but what we're establishing here

58:59

is that he got a chick pregnant

59:02

while he was in pastor

59:04

school or whatever. She said they were going

59:06

to have the kid adopted and he always

59:08

assumed that she did. She gave like he

59:11

gave his permission to adopt away the kid,

59:13

but that, but he named her

59:15

Mabel in his mind and has always prayed for her

59:17

and thought of her the whole time. And

59:19

of all the conflicts in this movie, at no

59:22

point does the daughter go, really? You didn't want

59:24

to check on that whole adoption thing and see

59:26

how it went. You were just like, yeah, no,

59:28

I guess whatever you want to do, your baby,

59:30

you know what I'm saying? I'm going to go

59:32

skateboard or whatever the fuck he was doing. Right.

59:34

I also have to talk about this because this

59:36

is such a beautiful thing, right? I

59:38

am sure when this actress who plays Gretchen read

59:40

the screenplay, she was like, Oh, so this is

59:43

a dad who like doesn't want to be part

59:45

of his daughter's life. So I come in like

59:47

angry and he learns to recognize what he did.

59:50

But guy sides, this comedian was like,

59:52

no, I'm a chill, cool guy. Like

59:54

let's skateboard together. So she is playing

59:57

one half of a very dramatic scene.

1:00:00

And he is trying to calm down a

1:00:02

lady yelling at a Starbucks. It is a

1:00:04

very odd acting choice combination between the two

1:00:06

of them. Well, and once

1:00:08

again, this movie cannot help but pop

1:00:10

its bubble the instant that it blows it

1:00:12

up, right? Because she's like, you know, Hey, you're

1:00:15

my father and you were never there for me. I'm

1:00:17

like, literally have never even met me and shit. And

1:00:19

I'm a grown up now. I'm

1:00:21

angry at you. And I'm like, okay, well, that's like

1:00:23

at least a sensible conflict. But then he's just

1:00:25

like, no, no, I thought you were adopted. And

1:00:28

she's like, Oh, well, that resolves all of those

1:00:30

issues for me now. I completely forgive you. You're

1:00:32

insane. She even yells. She's like, maybe if you

1:00:34

didn't conceive me out of wedlock, you piece of

1:00:37

shit. And she says it all loud. So like

1:00:39

the church might be able to hear it, which

1:00:41

would be scandalous. And he's like, as if in

1:00:43

a different room, in a different universe, he's like,

1:00:46

you want to get some coffee? She's like, yeah,

1:00:48

I can, I can go for some coffee. Yeah,

1:00:50

sure. That's what it sounds great. Yeah. She's completely

1:00:52

fucking over it. So they go for coffee

1:00:54

together. And this is where they're out

1:00:57

having coffee together. That's where she explains

1:00:59

that mom never did give her up

1:01:01

for adoption, just raised her as a

1:01:03

single mother and never told him

1:01:05

about it or asked for any child support

1:01:07

or anything. So mom like hid

1:01:09

a baby for like a year of college

1:01:11

and this guy didn't notice is what we're

1:01:13

supposed to leave. I think it was like

1:01:15

right after he got out of college that

1:01:17

she got pregnant or something. But

1:01:20

yeah, I do one way that I

1:01:22

don't understand how that changes the dynamic so much for

1:01:24

her, but it completely does. So

1:01:27

they walk awkwardly back to the church.

1:01:29

Stephen Baldwin's there to be magical at

1:01:31

them, right? And already know what's going

1:01:33

on. He literally just pops in. Hey,

1:01:35

just a quick reminder. I'm in

1:01:38

the movie. All right.

1:01:40

And may or may not be psychic. Yeah. He's

1:01:42

like, oh, let me take a picture of you

1:01:44

and your daughter. And he's like, oh, are you

1:01:46

going to use a phone like a normal human

1:01:48

in 2021 when this movie was

1:01:50

made? He's like, no, I have an old timey weird

1:01:52

camera that I'm going to use. So

1:01:54

he's having to back up to

1:01:56

get the picture and when Blaze suddenly

1:01:58

runs bottle the in. to God.

1:02:00

Well, sort of. Blaze clearly

1:02:03

was supposed to like, smash into

1:02:05

him kind of, but they did a take

1:02:07

and Blaze like side tackled the shit out

1:02:09

of him and everybody got hurt. Yeah. So

1:02:11

they were like caught and they had like

1:02:13

three days later people healed and then Blaze

1:02:15

has to do it again. So he like

1:02:17

runs in hard and then he's just like,

1:02:19

ah, gentle, gentle, sorry.

1:02:21

It's all that experience I have from playing

1:02:23

Tony in West Side Story at my Christian

1:02:26

Academy. I was told my performance was sinful

1:02:28

and I was expelled for it. Okay.

1:02:30

So yeah, but

1:02:35

he's excited. He wants to tell his

1:02:37

youth pastor the good news. He's

1:02:39

going to be crucified for

1:02:41

the Easter service. So,

1:02:44

so they're going

1:02:47

to torture an

1:02:49

enthusiastic child. Now,

1:02:51

the plan Blaze, he's

1:02:53

probably like 25 as well. We never established

1:02:55

it, but we, but this character is supposed

1:02:57

to be under 18. We never give him

1:03:00

a definite age, but definitely under 18. Right.

1:03:03

Yeah. Definitely supposed to be a

1:03:05

teen. Yeah. So the pastor is

1:03:07

going to torture a child to

1:03:10

up his attendance numbers is

1:03:13

now the plot of the movie. I mean, to

1:03:15

be fair, that does track to Christian. It

1:03:17

does. It absolutely does. Absolutely does. So yeah. So

1:03:20

Guy goes to tell Skip off. He's like, you

1:03:23

can't do that. And he's like, no, actually, believe

1:03:25

it or not in the parameters of this movie,

1:03:27

I can torture a child

1:03:29

using a medieval torture technique. Yeah.

1:03:32

And he says, you know, look, I could have

1:03:34

been a billionaire CEO if I wanted. I decided

1:03:36

to do a church instead. And Guy

1:03:38

says, and I quote, I'm not

1:03:40

questioning your motives. Like man,

1:03:42

somebody should really be questioning

1:03:44

his motives though. Yeah. And he's like, well, you

1:03:47

know, everyone else in the church agrees with me.

1:03:49

And he says, history is filled with large groups

1:03:51

of people who were wrong. And I wrote in

1:03:53

my notes, I would love to hear which of

1:03:56

those groups he is thinking of. I'm

1:03:59

not convinced. since me and the writers of

1:04:01

this movie share those groups of people who

1:04:03

were wrong. Okay, but also, history

1:04:05

is filled with wrong people. Both of these

1:04:08

people agree that God

1:04:10

did whatever is happening. So like,

1:04:14

it's nonsense. It's complete nonsense. Yep. Yep.

1:04:18

Once again, you run into that stupid omnipotence problem that Christian

1:04:20

movies never seem aware of. They actually

1:04:22

end the scene with that. It was like, all right, well,

1:04:24

I guess it's my God versus your God. Yeah.

1:04:28

Yeah. Impasse? Cut. So,

1:04:32

yeah, then we just clumsily cut

1:04:34

to him massacring

1:04:36

children at laser tag. Hey,

1:04:40

Thor, whatever the fuck your name is, if

1:04:42

you want to borrow the swoosh so that

1:04:44

you can have a more delicate way to

1:04:46

get from one sleep in the night, we

1:04:48

are willing to rent it to you for

1:04:50

a very reasonable rate. You don't have to

1:04:52

just walk up to another

1:04:54

character and go, let's pause the plot

1:04:56

for a second because we already shot

1:04:58

the laser tag scene. Yeah. So,

1:05:01

apparently, he's out with the youth group playing

1:05:04

laser tag, and this is the scene where

1:05:06

Carla is going to meet Gretchen, where the

1:05:08

love interest is going to meet the daughter.

1:05:11

Yep. And they can't help but

1:05:13

acknowledge how close they are in age because, like,

1:05:15

when Carla first meets her, she's

1:05:18

jealous and thinks that Gretchen is

1:05:20

dating Guy. Yeah. And,

1:05:23

again, they pop their own balloon instantly, right?

1:05:25

Because this would be the misunderstanding that motivates

1:05:27

the third act. But nope, she's like, oh,

1:05:29

no, I'm his daughter. And she's like, oh,

1:05:31

okay, good. That was where that confusion would

1:05:33

lead to a plot. Yes. Would

1:05:36

you like to stand back to back because that

1:05:38

is often what happens in laser tag scenes? Yes.

1:05:42

They shoot, they laser tag these children so

1:05:44

well they all fall on the ground? Yeah,

1:05:46

that's not a thing that happens in laser

1:05:48

tag. No, it's not. But I'm certain that

1:05:51

most of this cast plays so

1:05:53

much laser tag that they own

1:05:55

bags and bags of their own

1:05:57

laser tag gear. And they...

1:06:00

have people dying in it? They're

1:06:02

bullshit. Yeah and then we get them

1:06:04

like walking out of the laser tag thing like uh

1:06:07

and it's like all slow motion and they're all

1:06:09

walking side by side sort of like reservoir dogs.

1:06:12

As though to say, see we know how

1:06:14

to shoot the scenes that interesting movies also

1:06:16

have, right? Our cinematographer's

1:06:18

dad uh really guilted

1:06:21

him about being gay to do this

1:06:23

movie so it's a shot pretty well.

1:06:26

And then okay so now we

1:06:28

have Joey and Skip, right? They're

1:06:30

gonna have a hushed conversation about

1:06:32

Guy's daughter. Basically this is Joey

1:06:34

Fatone's character introducing the fact he's

1:06:36

like hey you know if we

1:06:38

ever are looking later in the

1:06:40

movie for a way to get

1:06:42

Guy out of the leadership position

1:06:44

in the church, him having

1:06:46

a daughter as an unwed father that

1:06:48

that would probably do the trick and they're like

1:06:51

oh yeah no that would shut him the fuck

1:06:53

up. Sorry has he been quitting for like three

1:06:55

quarters of the movie so that would be an

1:06:57

incredibly stupid point of the plot to introduce him?

1:07:00

I'm speaking and that's our secret

1:07:02

that you know now that apparently

1:07:04

you didn't before. Right yeah exactly

1:07:07

because they're gonna treat it as though like

1:07:09

this is a great secret that he's let out

1:07:11

but like he's just introducing people to his daughter

1:07:14

just left and right from this point on in

1:07:16

the movie makes no fucking sense. Yeah

1:07:18

so okay so now Guy and Carla

1:07:20

are gonna go talk with Blaze's parents

1:07:23

and try to talk them into

1:07:25

stopping him from like

1:07:27

being crucified. I think they

1:07:29

shot this over Thanksgiving and that's how they got

1:07:31

so many bald ones. So

1:07:34

yeah so they go over to the house and and like the

1:07:37

parents are supposed to be woo hippie bad

1:07:39

parents and that's going to be this whole

1:07:41

bit you know they're they're like

1:07:43

parents who let their kids do whatever they

1:07:45

want run all over them. Oh that's why

1:07:48

his name is it's it's Bles Pascal is

1:07:50

Pascal's wager the family has has all the

1:07:52

religions or whatever. Oh right. Oh wow I

1:07:56

know I think that it was because of Blaze Pascal

1:07:58

but I did I don't think that that had

1:08:00

anything to do with their religions. But- It's

1:08:03

way deeper. That's way deeper than I was going. Oh,

1:08:05

it very clearly had all to do with that. We're

1:08:07

in a fight now. That's ridiculous. Okay, all right. Yeah,

1:08:09

so like I don't think anyone thought anything- Maybe peel

1:08:12

the onion a little bit when we're doing our analysis.

1:08:14

Just a little bit of your analysis. Fuck, dive in.

1:08:17

Where's that, you know those TypeScript books you can

1:08:19

buy that are like the interviews with the famous

1:08:21

directors? We need one of those. This fell. Yeah,

1:08:25

no, I'll write to Thor and see what he had in mind.

1:08:28

So yeah, but the parents bring out food.

1:08:30

They're like, try this food. It stimulates brainwaves.

1:08:32

And I'm like, oh yeah, no, that sounds

1:08:35

ridiculous compared to the fucking blood of

1:08:37

Christ that you asshole string. Yes, they

1:08:39

brought that out. I was like, okay,

1:08:41

crucify the kid. That's fine. No,

1:08:43

I'm just gonna give it. And

1:08:45

again, like the joke here is like,

1:08:48

you do own your kid, right? Cause they're like, well,

1:08:50

you can't let them do it. And they're like, well,

1:08:52

we don't own him. And again, the

1:08:54

viewpoint of this movie is like, of course you

1:08:56

own him. Right. You

1:08:59

came him into her. Of course you own it. You own

1:09:01

both of them. That's how owning works. Yeah,

1:09:04

they're like, you know, no, we prefer to

1:09:07

let him make his own mistakes and do

1:09:09

his own thing. And the movie's like a

1:09:11

bunch of fucking assholes. And to try to

1:09:13

like show us, no, no, that is a

1:09:15

bad thing. In the background, we see him

1:09:17

sticking a knife into a toaster the whole

1:09:19

time, but his parents aren't gonna tell him not

1:09:21

to do that cause they let him do his

1:09:24

own thing, right? Cause

1:09:26

they're desperately trying to make that into

1:09:28

not a positive. Yeah. But

1:09:31

they're like, yeah, but no, you can't let him

1:09:33

get crucified cause that would really hurt. And they're

1:09:35

like, isn't your religion all about how getting crucified

1:09:37

is awesome? And they're like, only for our guy,

1:09:40

damn it. One guy, it's one, it's just the

1:09:42

one, one. And he has this

1:09:44

big blow up moment, which is supposed to make Carla super

1:09:46

wet. We'll talk about it in a second where he's like,

1:09:48

you're a bad parents. And I just wrote my notes. My

1:09:50

man, you gave away your kid. Like that's the secondary plot

1:09:52

of the movie. You gave away

1:09:54

your kid. Like at least their kids

1:09:57

in their house. What are you doing? I mean.

1:10:00

Yeah, so so yeah, he blows up at

1:10:02

him. He's like, you know, you shouldn't let

1:10:04

your kids make decisions by themselves Fuck

1:10:07

you and Carl's like hmm hmm and

1:10:09

she walks out after him Yes,

1:10:12

and they have to have a scene where

1:10:14

they make this actress be like that was

1:10:16

awesome. Yeah. Yeah, huh

1:10:20

So then Carla goes to see her dad to

1:10:22

try to talk him out of doing the crucifixion

1:10:24

But he's being interviewed by a news crew from

1:10:26

wait a minute. Hold on just a second I

1:10:28

want to make sure that all the listeners are

1:10:30

sitting down and or pulled over their car because

1:10:32

this joke is really gonna slay Yeah, it's

1:10:35

a news reporter from Ms.

1:10:37

MBCSN span

1:10:42

Galab a lava Honestly

1:10:45

if the globe glab galab was in

1:10:47

this scene and just they never acknowledged

1:10:49

it this is my favorite movie sure

1:10:53

But they're claiming that it that

1:10:55

MSM BCSN span or whatever It's

1:10:57

one of those, you know liberal

1:10:59

woke news channels. That's Hopping

1:11:02

up mega churches of Christianity

1:11:04

and they're mad at that. Yeah, what

1:11:06

are they even trying to say with

1:11:09

that? Yeah, and she's like, well, you

1:11:11

know when you're done with your interview I have an

1:11:13

important conversation that I want to have with you privately

1:11:15

He's like no talk to us on camera about whatever

1:11:17

it is that you don't want to talk to us

1:11:19

on camera about and she's like Okay, I guess I'll

1:11:21

do that now Right. So

1:11:24

she tries to talk about her doing the

1:11:26

crucifixion he's like, oh, are you sure you're

1:11:28

not actually devastated by the revelation of guys

1:11:30

illegitimate daughter and She's

1:11:32

like why would you really are shoehorn in that in

1:11:34

in a way in this scene that makes no sense

1:11:36

at all Is that what your side of the movie

1:11:38

is about? No, you know, this is what my side

1:11:41

of the movie is about Oh, okay interesting weird There's

1:11:43

also a moment here where like his assistant comes out

1:11:46

and she's like Oh, these are all the various types

1:11:48

of nails that we're considering for the crucifixion of the

1:11:50

kid Which one do you prefer now?

1:11:52

I want to point out like in Mexico and

1:11:54

the Philippines when they do this They usually just

1:11:56

tie the people to the cross. They don't actually

1:11:58

put nails to sometimes That's done, but generally

1:12:01

speaking, this is a different level of crazy

1:12:03

here. It's like Daffy Duck. It's only done

1:12:05

once. So

1:12:08

then, okay. So then we cut to Stephen

1:12:10

Baldwin being whistly and magical. Okay.

1:12:14

Look, this movie was super boring. I did not

1:12:16

enjoy watching it. But I watched

1:12:18

this scene where Stephen Baldwin tries and fails

1:12:20

to whistle like four times in a row.

1:12:23

Because he's very... They were like, Stephen, so you're walking

1:12:25

down the hall whistling like this. And

1:12:28

he's like, got it. Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff,

1:12:30

fluff. And they're like, I'm sorry, you sang

1:12:32

the word fluff, fluff, fluff? Yeah, that's how

1:12:34

you whistle. Fluff, fluff,

1:12:37

fluff, fluff, fluff,

1:12:39

fluff. I

1:12:42

named my company Assault. He did, yeah.

1:12:45

So yeah, he's whistling his way along or

1:12:47

whatever that fucking shit is. And

1:12:49

Fludd his way along. And he opens the

1:12:52

supply closet and Carla's in

1:12:54

it crying. Right. And

1:12:57

she's like, I'm sorry, could you leave me

1:12:59

alone? And he's like, sure, the fuck can't.

1:13:01

I am not going to do that. Instead,

1:13:03

I've got a little speech for you. I've

1:13:05

got a little monologue I'd like to give

1:13:08

you. He's also collecting arts and crafts supplies

1:13:10

throughout the monologue. So I could not pay

1:13:12

any attention to the monologue because he's just

1:13:14

getting weirder and weirder things from her. He's

1:13:16

like, can I have a Dixie cup? All

1:13:19

right. And then that six pound bag of

1:13:21

beef jerky. All right. And then

1:13:23

that photograph of George Bush Sr.

1:13:25

shooting JFK. Thank you so much.

1:13:28

All right. Wonderful. I'll

1:13:30

be on my way. Yeah. And look,

1:13:32

if he was just trying to get his job

1:13:34

done around to this hysterical woman, this scene would

1:13:37

be hilarious. But no, he's trying to make a

1:13:39

point to her about how even

1:13:41

through all the gimmicky, weird shit,

1:13:43

Jesus light shines through or

1:13:45

some shit. Right. And I

1:13:48

mean, look, I get it. Most of the time as a

1:13:50

church employee, when you find someone crying, it's because they've been

1:13:52

molested by a pastor. You're used to ignore. You got to

1:13:54

work around it. You know, well, it's

1:13:56

like, I'm calling it like the world's most famous

1:13:58

youth pastor throughout the movie. And I was just

1:14:00

like I feel like the world's most famous youth

1:14:02

pastor probably got that way by molesting children I

1:14:04

know yeah, I feel like it's the Justin Bieber

1:14:06

guy who got his own documentary. Yeah So

1:14:11

but yeah, so but I think and correct me

1:14:13

if I'm wrong I think all the art supplies

1:14:15

that he was asking her for I think he

1:14:17

was making Flowers for her out of the art

1:14:19

supplies as he was talking to her. Oh You're

1:14:23

right. That is what happened. So he blinded by

1:14:25

my confusion over what he was doing Because

1:14:28

it was so goddamn fucking stupid and

1:14:30

weird. Oh, he was setting up his

1:14:32

speech about Phototropism

1:14:35

by making like pipe cleaner Cop

1:14:39

and pipe cleaners and wrapping paper and then

1:14:41

he hands or these these cheap as these

1:14:43

little flower things that he's made at the

1:14:45

end Of his little speech. Also he gets

1:14:48

the he gets the meaning of that word

1:14:50

wrong to photo tropism He meant positive photo

1:14:52

tropism, but photo that you can just move

1:14:54

away from light in that word, too Okay,

1:14:56

stupid and that's that's what this

1:14:58

movie really fell off the fucking right Alright,

1:15:02

well, I'll tell you what we just had to relive watch and

1:15:04

then stupid scene So I need another break, but first let me

1:15:06

give act three the hard self Will

1:15:08

Carla ever exhibit signs of autonomy?

1:15:11

Will anyone be criminally prosecuted for trying to

1:15:13

torture a child? Is this

1:15:15

movie saying Mexicans and Filipinos are bad at

1:15:17

Christianity? Find out the answers

1:15:19

to these questions and more we return for these

1:15:21

sadly. I'm just talking about the movie conclusion of

1:15:25

church people Okay,

1:15:27

so Ashley this is the scene where you and

1:15:30

Greg you have your you know, you're

1:15:32

meet cute. Sorry meet

1:15:34

cute Yeah, you

1:15:37

know like you haven't been home for years, but now

1:15:39

you are and he sees you and he's like Wow,

1:15:43

he's out. Oh, exactly. Yeah. Thanks

1:15:45

Greg, right? Right about that. Um,

1:15:48

I don't wanna give notes, but uh Is

1:15:51

it possible for him to not have

1:15:53

been my youth pastor? I Mean

1:15:57

I guess we could change the script

1:15:59

but why Well, isn't

1:16:01

it a little weird that I'm the romantic interest of

1:16:03

the movie and the main character met

1:16:05

me as a literal

1:16:07

child? Why

1:16:10

would that be weird? Well, obviously

1:16:12

that would mean like at best he

1:16:15

was attracted to a child and is

1:16:17

now waiting till that child is

1:16:19

an adult to act on it. That's at best. Yeah,

1:16:23

I mean yeah. Are

1:16:26

you suggesting that just because you met someone as a

1:16:28

child you should never pursue them

1:16:30

sexually? Sexually, yep. Yes, I am.

1:16:33

That is exactly what I'm suggesting. Well,

1:16:37

I met my wife when she

1:16:39

was in my youth group and so did Larry.

1:16:42

My wife was actually too young to be

1:16:44

in my youth group but her older sister

1:16:46

was so I knew her that way. Okay,

1:16:49

right. Yeah, well, I guess let's do the

1:16:51

scene then. Great. Hey,

1:16:54

I heard your cousin had a baby. Yeah,

1:16:56

she did. Any pictures? Nope.

1:16:59

Nope. I haven't taken any. Oh,

1:17:03

sure. I'm

1:17:06

not comfortable with this thing.

1:17:08

I just didn't even want

1:17:10

to say that one. And

1:17:16

we're back for still more of this shit. We're

1:17:19

going to rejoin the action with Guy's PR agent

1:17:21

showing up to his office to remind us, I

1:17:23

guess, that he's in the movie. If Donald Faison

1:17:25

agreed to be in four scenes, damn it, four.

1:17:28

Yeah. But he's going to

1:17:30

drop Guy as a client. He's there to

1:17:33

tell him that, hey, man, you see really

1:17:35

against making money, which is kind of my

1:17:37

whole deal. Why would you have me if

1:17:39

you didn't want to make the most possible

1:17:41

money? So I don't want to represent you

1:17:44

anymore. Also, I just got to deal with

1:17:46

T-Mobile to do some commercials. I'm leaving the

1:17:48

movie right now. Right, yeah, exactly. I

1:17:50

don't know. He's home town money like Stephen

1:17:52

Baldwin does. I can stop doing this. But

1:17:55

he is going to sign Blaze for

1:17:58

a book deal and a tour for his. post-crucifixion

1:18:01

career. Right. And

1:18:03

I just want to point out that even the

1:18:05

fact that you're acknowledging that the

1:18:08

books of your most prominent speakers

1:18:10

are ghost-written churn sold

1:18:13

to people just for the money, that's

1:18:16

a real problem that the movie

1:18:18

never acknowledges or talks about. Right, because

1:18:20

the implication, of course, is that there

1:18:22

are a bunch of Christians out there

1:18:24

that would buy the book about the

1:18:27

kid who got himself crucified to up

1:18:29

the attendance numbers at the local megachurch,

1:18:32

right? If you actually believe

1:18:34

in Christianity, you have to agree with

1:18:36

the megachurch here. You have to. Really?

1:18:39

Yes. They're like winning.

1:18:41

Right, yeah. So, okay, so then

1:18:43

we get Guy and Gretchen, they're chatting after

1:18:45

dinner, I guess. She

1:18:48

says at this point, she's like, aren't you

1:18:50

a little old to be playing laser tags

1:18:52

with kids for a living? And on behalf

1:18:54

of two former fucking Miyachi master toy players

1:18:56

for a living, fuck, fuck.

1:18:59

If you, Gretchen, you don't

1:19:01

fucking know. Nice. Games are

1:19:03

awesome. So, fucking folks, yeah. I

1:19:07

might not have gotten into a Broadway

1:19:09

show, but at least my face isn't

1:19:11

on a bag of sand. How the

1:19:14

turntables have turned. We

1:19:17

were on Broadway. Yeah. How

1:19:19

dare you? But

1:19:22

it's rough for the Gretchen actor in

1:19:25

this scene because she has to laugh

1:19:27

at this piece of shit,

1:19:29

Thor comedians jokes that he wrote and

1:19:31

then put in his own movie. It's

1:19:33

so bad. She tries to do

1:19:35

the laugh several times and like, Rex

1:19:38

is a little bit each

1:19:41

time. He's like, I, it

1:19:43

says eight ha-has in the

1:19:46

16 total ha-has in the script. And

1:19:50

he's like, are you actually obligated or you're not getting

1:19:52

paid? I hope she got paid a lot. You didn't

1:19:54

get a T-Mobile ad like Turk did. You fucking stay

1:19:56

here. He's like, all right, all right. Well, that

1:19:58

wasn't enough. pause so

1:20:00

I'm adding a line here about how

1:20:02

charming and likable I am for you

1:20:05

to say. She has to say that?

1:20:07

She actually has to say, you make

1:20:09

me laugh so much more than anyone

1:20:12

else in my life. She

1:20:14

could not get through it. No? Rough.

1:20:17

She's like, my mom sure does suck compared to

1:20:19

you and I'm like, oh my god, you know

1:20:22

this guy's got an estranged

1:20:24

daughter when he's writing this shit in the script

1:20:26

and then my daughter will tell me that I'm

1:20:28

even better than her boss. So,

1:20:31

your soul patch makes you look

1:20:33

like a progeny of jazz. It's

1:20:35

like I wrote this scene as

1:20:37

a sketch after I heard Anne

1:20:39

laugh at Eli when she was

1:20:41

listening to like an ad-lib. I

1:20:43

was like, oh what were you

1:20:46

laughing at? Was it a me joke or an Eli joke? Which one

1:20:48

of us wasn't? And she was like, that's rough. Anna knows better

1:20:50

than the laugh. I was like, oh really? Well,

1:20:53

I am writing a Christian movie now and

1:20:55

you are in it laughing at me, asshole.

1:20:59

This is our vows. And by

1:21:01

the way, this scene only exists for her to

1:21:03

compliment him. That's it. Right? Like,

1:21:06

she laughs at several of his jokes, talks about how

1:21:08

charming and likable he is, talks about how he's better

1:21:10

than mom and

1:21:12

then they leave to go get yogurt. That's

1:21:15

the whole fucking scene. So

1:21:19

then we get like a montage of

1:21:21

him and Gretchen off doing daddy-daughter stuff.

1:21:24

They're like flying kites and making bubbles.

1:21:26

What the fuck age is she supposed

1:21:28

to be? That's what

1:21:30

my thought is that she is eight years old.

1:21:32

Yeah. Like actually that makes the

1:21:34

most sense, right? I think they wanted to hire

1:21:37

an eight year old for this part of the

1:21:39

movie, but then Thor took them

1:21:41

aside and he was like, hey, there was an issue in 1997. I

1:21:46

need everyone who

1:21:48

is technically a child in this movie to be well,

1:21:51

look at me, well over

1:21:53

the age of 80. Yeah. No,

1:21:55

no problem, man. How

1:21:58

far? That's

1:22:00

what are. Looking. My

1:22:02

soul patch? Far? yeah. You.

1:22:06

Know they made children mannequin soon

1:22:08

see exhibit still sell them to

1:22:10

you You just by mannequins argument

1:22:12

Amazon push the better suited this

1:22:15

for years and continue with this.

1:22:17

To the we get our carla she's wanted

1:22:20

to or car when Joey's the tone a

1:22:22

costs through in song. Some. More.

1:22:26

We actually given Joey Fatone pump

1:22:28

scare. it's fucking weird. Yeah

1:22:30

news with the like. the idea.

1:22:33

That we the name of his solo

1:22:35

album Pops Gear with Choice Tall, Nice

1:22:38

New Low. Pop. Tart

1:22:40

scare. so so he'd

1:22:42

ease of all things

1:22:44

he's proposing Marriage stick

1:22:46

the woman he's not

1:22:48

saving. right? Right As

1:22:50

and a during this little stupid song

1:22:52

thing with issuance, he says god once

1:22:54

we a mere you and I'm like

1:22:56

oh wow, you've underscores yet another reason

1:22:58

why your religion is dangerous and terrifying.

1:23:01

Ah, Yelped. But yes, she's trying to

1:23:03

say no and he keeps interrupting earn

1:23:05

it's our that he's picked out flowers

1:23:07

and a venue and like, okay, we've

1:23:09

moved on to just. Looks

1:23:12

like very high level insanity at

1:23:14

this point right? This isn't like

1:23:16

iced cute guy also his arrival

1:23:18

for her affection or whatever. Yet.

1:23:20

We've moved past up failure

1:23:23

of a comedy bit and

1:23:25

on to like post modern

1:23:27

Abramovich performances. So.

1:23:30

Yeah, but issues like I'm not interested in

1:23:32

dating you is like oh some it's it's

1:23:34

guy isn't and says it will. He is

1:23:36

the only other adult male in the film

1:23:39

i'm not related zeus so. But.

1:23:43

He promises he's gonna talk lays out a

1:23:45

getting crucified for her anyway even though she

1:23:47

won't fuck. right? Yeah, he

1:23:50

might as well say no it's the part of the movie

1:23:52

where have on your side now and she's like oh greg

1:23:54

wonder what yeah i was us way earlier with the part

1:23:56

of the movie where i was on his side i'm glad

1:23:58

to see the best as again Thing for the character. So,

1:24:01

you know, we had to pop that bubble. It was all

1:24:03

the way blown up so yeah, but

1:24:05

then they have this stupid fucking scene

1:24:07

of Joey talking to

1:24:09

Blaze and failing to talk him out of it

1:24:12

We're just like yeah, you know, there's gonna be a lot

1:24:14

of people there and places like yeah, won't that be awesome?

1:24:17

And he's like, oh fuck.

1:24:19

I didn't have a follow-up that didn't talk you out of

1:24:21

it. And that's the scene. That's

1:24:23

it That's the scene again Why blow that balloon

1:24:25

up if you're just gonna pop it like that

1:24:27

in the next fucking moment Problem was

1:24:30

Joey Fitton didn't do any singing to blaze here.

1:24:32

Sure. That's what it is You

1:24:34

know, you know place wanted him to sing. I Feel

1:24:38

like it got uncomfortable. There was a mannequin and

1:24:40

Joey Fitton was like even me not doing it.

1:24:42

Okay. Yeah So

1:24:44

yeah, so then so guys in his

1:24:46

office all bummed and damn it if the

1:24:48

insurance guy isn't there right now Yes,

1:24:52

he brought the mince mince

1:24:54

callback guy mince callback only

1:24:57

comedy pros like Thor Guggenheim

1:25:00

Really nails callbacks like that. Yeah. No,

1:25:03

you gotta be really good at comedy

1:25:05

to do callbacks Yeah So

1:25:07

but now up until this point his

1:25:09

last hope had been the insurance guy was shut

1:25:12

down the church and not let him do The

1:25:14

crucifixion, but now the insurance guy is up their

1:25:16

insurance and it'll be okay Right.

1:25:18

Yeah, and I will say this movie

1:25:20

does have one funny line. He says

1:25:22

yeah, you're totally fine to do fire

1:25:24

Crucifixions and preschool. Well, okay, so that

1:25:26

line would have been a lot funny So

1:25:29

that the actual line I wrote it down

1:25:31

is now you're good for crucifixions crowns of

1:25:33

thorns floggings and preschools And yeah That would

1:25:35

have been a great fucking line if it

1:25:37

wasn't for the fact that churches so regularly

1:25:39

get in trouble for flogging children in their

1:25:42

preschool Cuts

1:25:44

it a bit bit of a downer. Yeah

1:25:48

But skips like hey guy just an apropos

1:25:50

nothing at all about you making our insurance

1:25:52

more expensive Can I talk to you in

1:25:54

my office and then he fires? Right,

1:25:58

right and again like this is This is where

1:26:00

I realized in the movie, like, oh, Skip

1:26:02

is supposed to be like a bad guy,

1:26:04

bad guy. He's not just misguided, he's like

1:26:07

the bad guy villain of the movie. But

1:26:09

don't worry, that won't be consistent in the

1:26:11

next fucking scene he's in. So I'm just

1:26:13

completely confused about his motivation here. Right.

1:26:17

And also of fucking Guy's motivation, right?

1:26:19

Because he's like, you're fired. And he's

1:26:21

like, you know, I've been trying to

1:26:23

quit since the literal first scene of

1:26:25

this goddamn movie that we shared together.

1:26:28

But now I'm very upset about being

1:26:30

fired. Now I'm upset that I'm fired.

1:26:32

Yeah. And like, hey, in Skip's

1:26:34

defense, he's like, hey, you know, you very clearly want

1:26:36

to do things a different way than I do them.

1:26:40

So do that. Go

1:26:42

do that. Yeah. And

1:26:44

they almost have a moment of recognition here where

1:26:47

fucking Guy is like, yeah, but I'm a youth

1:26:49

pastor. I don't have any real, yeah, you know

1:26:51

what? I'll go do my own thing. Right. We

1:26:54

don't have to say the last word of that sentence out

1:26:56

loud. Podcasting

1:26:59

shit. That

1:27:02

is the next run down. Yeah, right. No, it

1:27:05

is actually where a fellow youth pastors go. Asshole.

1:27:08

Don't say it out loud. Stupid. Learn

1:27:11

to tap dance, everybody. Learn to tap dance.

1:27:15

Or catch a bag of sand. Gotta

1:27:17

have a skill. So

1:27:20

yeah. So Guy is walking

1:27:22

out. He's got his fucking movie box

1:27:25

of fired stuff. Right. I've

1:27:27

never seen that box anywhere else in my life

1:27:29

except for movie guys walking out of an office

1:27:31

with all their personal belongings in them. I feel

1:27:33

like if I'm getting fired, I'm getting like a

1:27:35

wheelbarrow or something just like make it more production.

1:27:38

Yeah, have some style about it. Yeah,

1:27:40

get it fun. So yeah, so but he

1:27:42

walks by, Joey's singing to Karla Samore and

1:27:44

this is where he has to tell Karla

1:27:47

that he's getting fired. Right.

1:27:50

And Karla says, so you're just giving

1:27:53

up? And like he got fucking

1:27:56

fired. If that sounds like getting

1:27:58

fired, it's not a matter of day. up

1:28:00

yeah the only way that would be more confusing

1:28:02

if she was like for how long yeah right

1:28:07

so she says you you can't just walk away and

1:28:10

I'm like well no I think the law actually demands

1:28:12

it after a certain amount of time when you get

1:28:14

fired okay is this when he explains

1:28:16

that he's also mad at the guy Mort

1:28:19

the insurance guy he says like Mort's making

1:28:21

a fortune by expanding our insurance policy

1:28:23

that fucked up my plan so I kind

1:28:25

of had to just quit because nothing's working

1:28:27

out yes okay first of

1:28:30

all they are doing a crucifixion

1:28:32

so these balls you would

1:28:34

have to pay out assuming that plot rolls

1:28:36

through what is the

1:28:38

movie think insurance is

1:28:41

like how do a question that

1:28:43

that whole concept works I think

1:28:46

this comedian Thor was like I'm gonna

1:28:48

jump off a motorcycle into a balloon

1:28:50

and they were like you can't do

1:28:52

that man it's the insurance

1:28:55

and not because your neck will get caught in

1:28:57

the spokes of the bike and he was like

1:28:59

oh guy insurance guys are bad no I think

1:29:01

insurance in their minds is just those assholes who

1:29:04

don't let you do this thing that you want

1:29:06

to do do the sweet shit

1:29:08

yeah yeah exactly every time I want

1:29:10

to do something real Jewish guy named

1:29:13

Mort I don't know that's my knowledge

1:29:15

yeah right so so

1:29:17

okay so now him and Gretchen are bumming

1:29:20

around now I guess

1:29:22

there's a subplot if you can even call

1:29:24

it that that Gretchen doesn't want to talk

1:29:26

to her mom now cuz she's mad at

1:29:28

mom about I guess lying to

1:29:31

her about her father's involvement in her

1:29:33

life from the time she was born

1:29:35

to the present yeah

1:29:37

I wrote my notes at this

1:29:39

point the movie shifts plots like

1:29:41

I change lanes violently and blindly

1:29:43

yeah right yeah exactly so

1:29:46

but they're talking about you know he says

1:29:48

well you should call your mom and forgive

1:29:50

her and she's like that's incredibly simplistic and

1:29:52

he's like and it's my entire worldview if

1:29:54

you can believe that it's the whole thing

1:29:57

Fucking Gretchen Tells him how he has such great.

1:30:00

As soon and knowledge again he wrote

1:30:02

for a pretty girl to say to

1:30:04

him the up Just to be clear

1:30:06

there on a swing set the movie

1:30:08

is quite certain she's in a drug

1:30:10

addict. Yeah yeah one hundred percent. But.

1:30:13

Guy realize is that all to all of this

1:30:15

stuff try to towards the parents out of it

1:30:17

rent or the insurance guy? What's his never set

1:30:19

in. Had a one on one with Blaze. So.

1:30:22

He just needs to talk to Blaze and

1:30:24

and battle saw the whole problem. Xactly

1:30:27

and he shows up to blaze

1:30:29

with a mannequin hat now. Spoiler.

1:30:32

Alert he's just gonna squish it and with

1:30:34

like fill it with blood or something or

1:30:36

other him and you guys all body was

1:30:38

going to be like. Blaze. I

1:30:40

will stand outside the door and you

1:30:42

do what ever you want Yes man

1:30:44

and get a have suffered ten the

1:30:46

men of libel I hear I will.

1:30:48

That's right. Been the Euro trust. You

1:30:50

put it in this trash bag and

1:30:52

then you put that trash bag and

1:30:54

another trust and I will throw it

1:30:56

out in a dumpster near my house

1:30:58

and we never need to talk about

1:31:01

a Bridgehead expressed surprise. He literally lures

1:31:03

Blaze away with the mannequin like like

1:31:05

fuckin' Bugs Bunny with the terrorists. You

1:31:07

know yet sir and they go in

1:31:09

and he's like hey, Man is like oil.

1:31:11

Good to put them under control is no,

1:31:13

no you don't Actually, I was going to

1:31:15

use this mannequin hand to demonstrate would crucifixion

1:31:17

looks like. Yeah. The

1:31:20

hammers despite through the mannequin hand and he

1:31:22

put like hot sauce in there so blood

1:31:24

could spray and he could scare blaze. I

1:31:26

guess that was the idea. Yeah,

1:31:28

yeah and I was like okay, someplace

1:31:31

is gonna suck the stigma home. Now

1:31:33

What assassination, No question. Blazes, I yang

1:31:35

that stigmata whole. When they and the

1:31:37

scene he's like get us leave out

1:31:39

with me it's left a lot of.

1:31:42

Times I need to think

1:31:45

about the Cs cause necrosis

1:31:47

spin. Also like. I. Feel

1:31:49

like Blaze knew. What crucifixion

1:31:51

was right? Would did. Did he

1:31:53

believed that they were going to

1:31:56

drive his. Nails. To his hands

1:31:58

and in such a way that there was no blood. The

1:32:00

or what. What? Was

1:32:02

being communicated by that demonstration.

1:32:05

Yeah, unclear. Also. Did.

1:32:07

Guy does have a mannequin city. or did

1:32:10

he bore? Did he get one for their

1:32:12

division? Either way, it's pretty fucking free of

1:32:14

Jesus had a mannequin ethics. Lawyer

1:32:17

there's a there's a reason why Blaze

1:32:19

came to him with his mannequin. Browser

1:32:21

a man of his Harvard's yeah, no

1:32:23

other managed to be assessed. When I

1:32:25

say a mannequin. I mean like Marvel

1:32:28

and Collection of mannequins. Murder? Sure. But

1:32:30

he explains that not only would be

1:32:33

crucified really hurts whittlesey be sort of

1:32:35

horn and and on Jesus is whole

1:32:37

thing. We did it and bad I

1:32:39

guess is all. blaze. Needed to hear.

1:32:42

To. Be convinced not to do

1:32:44

it. Like.

1:32:47

It'll be a real are we. So.

1:32:50

Now blazes on fucking guy sides of the rest.

1:32:52

The movie. So they run out. It's

1:32:54

I guess it's day of the other about

1:32:56

to do the crucifixion. They run out. They

1:32:58

grab Carla the youth group who were gonna

1:33:00

go do some ministry and and like know

1:33:02

you gotta come now to the crucifixion thing.

1:33:04

There's a whole plan and everything. Doing

1:33:07

a caper? you can't help poor

1:33:10

people and Rifat mega us exactly.

1:33:12

Silk. Is or ramping up for

1:33:15

the big crucifixion service. We see

1:33:17

Stephen. That's ah, Stephen Baldwin sightedly

1:33:19

greeting people at the door. Where

1:33:22

Where's Alec with a prop gun

1:33:24

when you need him? Soft smile.

1:33:26

Ah, there's no God, that's that's

1:33:28

proof right there, right? He's.

1:33:31

Been in movies with a city Brothers?

1:33:33

Come on. yeah. So. Did so

1:33:35

Donald face on comes and and symbol when

1:33:37

the he's like oh you you must be

1:33:39

looking for blaze music I am. Is

1:33:42

ago. I'll take you right to him

1:33:44

you guys thoughts even bother was going

1:33:46

to kill.of has already decent cities like

1:33:48

to the about the church sluggish. gonna

1:33:51

hunt him for sports are some crazy

1:33:53

shit yeah but eventually he'd like take

1:33:55

some out the back door any any

1:33:57

lox him out and now he's like.

1:34:00

George and would have to walk all the

1:34:02

way around it. And it

1:34:04

so ridiculously big the that would probably take

1:34:06

some time. For and by wait

1:34:09

that's how they have Donald Size on escorted out of

1:34:11

the movie whilst he was like hey I got that

1:34:13

T mobile commercial I'm walking to my car right now

1:34:15

and they're like what a suitable honest with you in

1:34:17

there were like he was like up see moment to

1:34:19

walk with me that is how I was that the

1:34:21

know. Who. This.

1:34:26

Year so he likes him out. And

1:34:28

that sit for that character suited inside

1:34:30

the church. Everybody settle in

1:34:32

in to watch the child torture. We

1:34:34

get some thunder, we get some pageantry

1:34:37

and again like did the keep him

1:34:39

under. The underlying message here is why

1:34:41

can't church be boring right? So we're

1:34:43

supposed to be going all booze, sunder

1:34:45

and bad sensory. And.

1:34:48

Then so them Pastor Skip comes out.

1:34:51

Stars. Given to trigger warning to

1:34:53

see so woke I guess ah

1:34:55

right mad say passengers crucified a

1:34:57

teenager who volunteered without his parents'

1:34:59

permission were without anyone know and

1:35:01

and we made a strong. Afraid

1:35:05

of, right? Yeah, So.

1:35:07

So. Blaze. Cubs in everybody cheers

1:35:09

and Guy as right there with him. Or.

1:35:12

The i feel like Jesus didn't

1:35:14

you know? woke up to the

1:35:16

crucifix in like fuckin prices right?

1:35:18

Because that would satisfy Sunset. It

1:35:20

did an assist assist. Certainly

1:35:23

as they might as well have wrestler

1:35:25

music though. Inform everyone says say it's

1:35:27

done, say it's does. So.

1:35:30

Yeah, so he goes up. This is

1:35:33

Gretchen Mom shows up at the church

1:35:35

that I guess that wraps up that

1:35:37

played their get along just fine Guys

1:35:39

gives you were Juri as we're done

1:35:41

with them now. And then Sky

1:35:43

was with Blaze up on the stage

1:35:45

and skips. Kind of wondered this the

1:35:47

great I fired the sky why the

1:35:49

hell is as he can win and

1:35:51

he says or guys as a dispute

1:35:53

a change of plans Blazes had been

1:35:55

to Get Crucified I am. And. Skins

1:35:57

The Good: I wanted to hurt you. Really?

1:36:00

Bad news like oh, Shit.

1:36:03

I. Mean. No, I'm not. right?

1:36:07

Yeah, Exactly. So it skips a yeah. let's

1:36:09

let's crucify the shit out of this guy.

1:36:12

And he's like, well, But first, I've got

1:36:14

a little something to say. And.

1:36:16

Skip the pastor who just fired this guy

1:36:18

because he was like trying to undermine everything

1:36:20

that he was. Do it or whatever is

1:36:23

like. Skill level. You just say whatever it is that

1:36:25

you would like to say now that. You've got

1:36:27

the Florida you target of an Npc

1:36:29

school here of his fifth. My

1:36:32

heart my grocery sizes this day. Our

1:36:35

mouth see ghosts Jesus his last words

1:36:37

on the Cross were it is finished

1:36:39

and I'm like yo unless you trust

1:36:42

those ass holes over at the Gospels

1:36:44

of Mark, Luke or Madison Specific A

1:36:46

sea. Of the zero for for for our your

1:36:48

purposes year those were his. Last words he

1:36:50

goes through to Trust Those guys. It's

1:36:52

God. why have you forsaken me Which

1:36:54

I think we set a quicker it

1:36:56

is not as well as a movie

1:36:58

on a different thing actually as as

1:37:01

as it turns out with the three

1:37:03

or so he gives his speech about

1:37:05

how the gimmicks are getting in the

1:37:07

way of the gospel at by with

1:37:09

the crowd to out all of this

1:37:11

Never sears, never laughs, never response in

1:37:13

any fucking way. It was just like

1:37:15

Edinburgh, the whole fuck entire it's it's

1:37:17

that reactions he's used to. It is.

1:37:19

Comedy of Yes. Every

1:37:23

time they would like the extras would laugh

1:37:25

or so be be like what do ya

1:37:27

doin the what are you doing are also

1:37:29

good thing was worth of cove You have

1:37:31

to tell me if I'm pretty shut the

1:37:33

fuck up I'm doing officers It's under a

1:37:35

comedy set. To. Yeah,

1:37:37

so so he. but he explains

1:37:39

that like it's not. just skip

1:37:41

spoke to the churches too commercialized

1:37:44

it's his fault to so instead

1:37:46

of crucifying himself. He's

1:37:48

gonna nail. Like. a

1:37:50

promotional poster from his book

1:37:52

tour to the cross he's

1:37:54

going to crucify his they

1:37:56

added right i guess we

1:37:59

watch we I should physically do that

1:38:01

for a second. And on the

1:38:03

very first swing with his hammer, he

1:38:05

clearly hits himself in the hand and

1:38:07

that guard cut away. Well, you know

1:38:09

what does? Definitely hurt himself. Just

1:38:13

for a second, crucifying your

1:38:15

bad habits, which is the,

1:38:17

oh, captain, my captain moment

1:38:19

that this turns into, that's

1:38:21

wildly insulting to Jesus. I

1:38:23

want to be clear, I

1:38:26

would not do that as a metaphor. I

1:38:28

would consider it to be in poor days.

1:38:30

Yeah, right. Yeah. Cause like now one by

1:38:32

one, all the things like Carlos, like, you

1:38:35

know, I have this necklace that reminds me

1:38:37

of Moldova and for some reason I'm

1:38:39

also going to crucify that and that's a bad habit.

1:38:41

And they're like, Oh yeah, sure. No, that makes perfect

1:38:43

sense. And then Gretchen stands up and she's like, I

1:38:45

also have a thing that I want to do that

1:38:47

too, that we were too dumb to

1:38:49

introduce into the movie. They didn't introduce it.

1:38:52

It's just a booty. And they're like, come on, you know,

1:38:54

baby shit. Yeah, exactly. It's

1:38:56

just a fucking baby boot or

1:38:59

something. It makes no goddamn sense

1:39:01

at all. Everybody's confused. She's like,

1:39:03

I want to apologize to my

1:39:05

dad for him having abandoned me. I

1:39:07

don't know. Yes. I don't really know

1:39:09

what my perspective is at this point.

1:39:11

And then guys like, so we crucify.

1:39:14

Oh, a sock. Okay. I guess. Yeah. A sock.

1:39:16

Why the fuck is it a sock? I really

1:39:19

hurt my hand. Can you nail it up though?

1:39:23

So yeah, so, but now everyone in

1:39:25

the church is going up and they're

1:39:28

crucifying all their, like somebody crucifies their

1:39:30

phone. Oh, fucking Mike Lindell stands up

1:39:32

and he's like, I've been watching the

1:39:34

Vikings games on the phone and I'm

1:39:36

going to crucify my phone. Yep.

1:39:38

Sorry, Noah. I just, I need to be

1:39:40

clear that that is not at all the

1:39:43

brevity or the fluidity with

1:39:45

which Mike Lindell saved that center.

1:39:55

Mike Lindell is so obviously Andre, You know,