0:00

I'm wearing headphones just for you, Bobby. I

0:02

have a bone to pick with you. Jesus Christ. What's

0:04

fucking now? What do you mean? What? So

0:07

can I just pick a bone? May

0:10

I pick a bone? So

0:12

the other day I was at the comedy store. I

0:14

know you have 500 podcasts, but podcasts can start with

0:16

some kind of formal intro. Like, it's Bobby Lee's here,

0:18

you guys. You know, I'm from Harold

0:21

and Kumar. But you know how sometimes movies, you

0:23

know, they do the opening credits like maybe

0:25

20 minutes in, like 824 will

0:27

do that or whatever. That's to be that. OK, let's

0:30

not be a student. Let's not be a studio film.

0:32

Let's be artsy about it. OK. OK, cool. Yeah. What

0:34

do you think? What do you guys think? Yeah,

0:36

this is definitely art. Go ahead. Well,

0:38

you know what? No, no, please. So

0:42

I was at the store. I was talking to my friend. G.F.

0:46

Harris, the comedy store, what store? The comedy store.

0:49

G.F. Harris. I'm in the park and

0:51

we're I'm talking with the young

0:53

comic from New York and you

0:55

walk by and I'm like, I want to impress. You

0:58

know, I mean, this young comic from New York that

1:00

I know, Whitney Cummings. Sure. So I turn on and

1:02

I go, what's up? And you

1:04

just keep fucking walking to the back.

1:07

Sure. Or where that wall is, right?

1:09

You don't say hello, nothing. Right. So

1:11

now I'm blushing. Right. So

1:13

when Asians blush, we turn purple. We

1:16

don't go pink. And so

1:18

I'm blushing. And

1:21

then finally you kind of go, let's say you're like,

1:23

you know what I mean? You can't come up. And

1:25

then you talk to me. Didn't this girl also have

1:27

a wine stand on her face? That's right.

1:29

So that's what you can't say. You

1:31

turned for. But

1:34

that's the bone I want to pick with you is

1:36

I was watching you meet her and you stared too

1:38

much at her mole or birthmark.

1:40

OK. You lock. When you meet someone like

1:42

that, you were literally coming on this podcast

1:44

telling me I looked at someone's wine stain.

1:49

That's the only reason why I'm on here. I think

1:51

it's rude. So it wasn't that I ignored you. Yeah.

1:53

When you see a guy with no hand, maybe other.

1:55

You had a wine stain on your face. I would

1:57

actually pay attention to you. Maybe

2:00

you should get one. Is it like a mark? Here's

2:03

what I'll say. I mean, I'm sure

2:05

we have to cut this out. Why? Oh,

2:07

we're not. I think for me- She's

2:09

hilarious. She's hilarious. And I'm sure she

2:11

acknowledges it in her set. As someone

2:13

whose face is ever evolving and

2:16

who every time I go to the comics where

2:18

people look at my face, like what's happening here

2:20

now? I'm fine with staring

2:22

at people's faces. Mine gets stared at a lot, it gets

2:24

googled a lot. But there

2:28

is this thing now where

2:30

women contour their makeup very

2:32

hard. And so I think it was

2:34

like at night and I was just trying to understand what I

2:37

was looking at. But the

2:39

fact that you clocked me clocking it

2:41

says so much more. I was just trying to orient

2:43

myself. It says so much about me? Well,

2:47

okay, this is what happened. You were staring at her wine stain

2:49

too long and you felt shame for it. I walked up, I

2:51

didn't know this person. I met her for the first time and

2:53

I was like, wine stain,

2:55

got it. Harvey Weinstein, should we

2:57

call him that, Ron? And then

2:59

you now have been, you

3:02

were watching me hoping I would fuck up.

3:04

And you did. She probably looked at my

3:06

face way longer than I looked at her, was trying to figure out what

3:08

she was dealing with. Okay. Well,

3:11

that being said, I apologize. I

3:16

apologize. But do you see the way you told

3:18

that story? It was going in the direction of

3:20

Whitney was gonna ignore me and was

3:22

being shitty and rude. And

3:25

I was trying to impress this comic. Yeah, okay.

3:27

And now we ended up just hurting her feelings

3:29

by doing this podcast about it. No, first of

3:31

all, I don't think we're hurting her feelings because

3:33

she is funny. She has a skill

3:35

set. And she's beautiful

3:38

as well. Beautiful face, beautiful

3:40

everything. And I don't

3:42

know. Why are you doing this? By

3:45

the way, can we talk about the wine stain of

3:47

a tattoo that's still on your arm that hasn't

3:49

been finished yet? Okay, that's rude. That I've

3:51

stared at a really long time because I think it's

3:53

ugly. All right, but this right here is a reminder.

3:56

It looks like the NBC logo. Well,

3:59

I was getting... getting this done when I was on NBC

4:01

show and then they cancel it. So I didn't really

4:03

know that. If

4:06

you're going to be on an NBC show, you should know. Yeah,

4:09

I have another one of my bags of CB and that's

4:11

it. So,

4:13

um, I've been

4:16

seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. By

4:19

the way, this is can I just tell you, oh,

4:21

am I good too hard? Someone

4:23

that is a professional comedian, podcaster that just

4:25

shows up like the way you do is

4:27

such a dream. Why? Because

4:29

I don't have to do anything. I'm sorry.

4:31

Not in a good way. But do you see how he

4:34

just come? He's like that story. He's right. He's like, I

4:36

just like, like, it's just a dream. I've had

4:38

guests on mine a couple of. I

4:41

want to name names, but, um, good

4:43

comics, great comics. Sure. And

4:45

you go, what's going on? Good.

4:48

And that's it. Mm hmm. And that's the

4:50

worst guess you can have. It's

4:52

just like pulling teeth. And then it then

4:55

when someone comes on and doesn't say a lot or doesn't

4:57

have like a game plan or whatever. And then you end

4:59

up having to pick up the slack and everyone's like, why

5:01

do you talk so much? Why don't you let the

5:04

guest speak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the psychiatrist you're going to

5:06

is a new one because the old one should be released.

5:09

No, I have a great therapist. OK. She's great.

5:11

But I've never seen a psychiatrist. How long have

5:13

you been with a therapist? For years. OK. She's

5:15

the best. And, um, why? Because

5:17

the relapse. I'm joking. It's

5:20

like, you know, when people that have made no

5:22

progress keep telling you about their therapist and you're

5:24

like, I feel like Yeah,

5:27

yeah. Like, I feel like other people should be able to

5:29

weigh in on if your therapist is good or not. Just

5:31

you, not just you. Yeah. I mean, I know a lot

5:33

of people that go, yeah, I'm working on myself, but they

5:35

don't really hate that because a lot of people like

5:37

the therapist because their therapist allows them to just come

5:39

in and complain and reinvent their own trauma. And that's

5:41

why they like them because they don't call them therapists that don't

5:43

call them out on their shit. No, I prefer

5:46

I always have a sponsors and therapists that are harsh

5:48

on me because I can't like, for instance, the last

5:50

rehab I went to, which is a couple of weeks

5:52

ago. They every

5:54

time I would exaggerate or I

5:57

know and I would tell a joke, they would go

5:59

stop. We're not doing that, right? That's

6:01

huge. And they know that that's my

6:04

way of deflecting. That's my M.O. Minimizing,

6:06

self deprecating. Yeah. And if I say,

6:08

you know, I'm a fat, ugly guy,

6:10

they're like, no, you're actually an attractive

6:13

person. You know what I mean? Like so. And then I

6:15

go, gotcha. Sexual harassment, call H.R.

6:18

Fuck that. We're suing this whole fucking rehab. So

6:21

yeah, I usually have harsh people because I

6:23

don't listen to anything anyone else. That's

6:25

that's what I think. And our relationship, I

6:27

feel like, is very poignant.

6:29

Oddly and deep because we're able to

6:31

give each other really harsh feedback and we

6:34

don't it doesn't

6:36

make it doesn't push us away from each other. It makes.

6:38

Well, that's what I love about you. And hate. No,

6:41

I strictly only love because the

6:43

thing is, is you're the only one that and

6:47

you and my Maron Maron will do the same thing. Like,

6:49

stop that. Like, if I'm like, if

6:51

I'm doing something where it's like the

6:54

deflecting or I'm you know, the thing that I do

6:56

when I have a good set and you go good

6:59

set and I go that wasn't a good set. You

7:02

and so you're calling me a liar. No, you and Mark

7:04

are you and

7:06

Mark are always like, stop that. Because

7:08

because but you know that we're not doing it

7:10

from a place of dismissing. We're doing it from

7:13

a place of like, oh, you can break that

7:15

pattern or that habit. So basically you and I,

7:17

I feel like our we went from like friends

7:19

to like siblings when I was first able to

7:22

go like, stop doing that thing. Well,

7:25

before you would go on stage, I really appreciate it. Yeah, that's all I want

7:27

to say. It's just like when someone calls us out

7:29

in our shit, the emotional version of

7:31

you have food in your teeth. Yeah. Of the like, I

7:33

know you, I love you. I do the same thing you're doing,

7:36

but you don't need to emotionally cut yourself around me

7:38

when someone's able to do that in a way that

7:40

isn't like trying to embarrass you in front of people

7:42

or doesn't do it publicly. It's more of just like

7:44

a one on one thing. Yeah. But

7:46

it's also you, you know, when you you and

7:48

I know when you rise in the business of people

7:50

treat you a little differently at clubs and stuff

7:52

and then all of a sudden the new friends that

7:55

you get, it's based on

7:57

a different what they perceive who you

7:59

are. whatever and it's like not really

8:01

that real. Right, right, right. But every once

8:03

in a while you'll meet somebody like yourself

8:05

and I mean I would have

8:08

to say that you're bigger than I am. Just if

8:10

you look at- You call me fat? You're

8:13

disgusting. But anyway

8:15

my point is that, thank you. But

8:18

I'm seeing the psychiatrist and I

8:22

think you have age, well I have many,

8:24

because when you go to these treatment

8:26

centers they have psychiatrists too. I just

8:28

got a second opinion and they were,

8:31

and she was basically you have ADHD,

8:33

obsessive compulsive. Do you have the

8:35

touchy thing or no? Were you taught to touch things three

8:37

times? So this is, I'm

8:39

so glad you're here. What

8:43

are you doing? I'm listening. Oh but why

8:45

are you leaning that way? We framed

8:47

your camera perfectly and you so

8:50

far sat on the back and you leaned

8:52

out. There's no way you can get my light. We have

8:54

rigged this in a way. You've

8:56

worked with a lot of malignant arses as soon as

8:58

I started doing my coverage you leaned away. No

9:03

but I just give everybody context. I

9:05

know you talk about this publicly. You've been going through a lot.

9:07

We both have been going through a lot. Can I just say one last thing

9:10

real quick? Imagine me stalking you. Who

9:12

the fuck has TV cameras in the fucking, this

9:14

is high tech. That's for teleprompters. Go ahead.

9:16

So you guys read your ads off what, a sticky note? iPhone. Yeah,

9:19

insane. Insane. Go ahead. By

9:22

the way, the quality of ad, the

9:24

fact that Bluechoo or Manscaped or

9:26

any of these people pay you guys, reading

9:28

off your, barely reading it out on your

9:31

phone, is it is

9:33

shocking to me. As a

9:35

minority, I expect more from you. You

9:38

have single-handedly destroyed the model minority stereotype.

9:40

Can I ask you a random question

9:42

about your vagina? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

9:45

yeah, yeah, please. Because I don't ever want to

9:47

see it. Not

9:50

that it's grisly or a

9:52

monstrosity, but I'm just saying that I'm

9:54

sure it's normal and very Christian looking.

9:56

It's slightly cumbersome. Yeah, but it's funny

9:58

because I view. You only as a

10:01

friend. Sure. There's

10:03

no sexual nothing. This

10:05

is the meanest thing you've ever said. No,

10:08

I'll be real. Why are you trying to hurt me? I'm not

10:10

trying to hurt you. I'm sure it's beautiful. Okay. I'm

10:12

sure it's like. Is any vagina beautiful? Or is

10:14

any set of balls beautiful? Well, some of them have jazz hands. I don't want the jazz hands, you

10:16

know what I mean? When they say, hey. Hey. I'm here.

10:18

I don't like that, you know what I mean?

10:20

I like it when it's tucked, you know what

10:22

I mean? And that's just my own preference. Tucked?

10:24

Not tucked, but like a little flower's fine. A little

10:26

flower's fine. Okay, what kind of flower? Are we

10:28

talking a peony? We talking an impatient? We

10:31

talking an orchid? Well, because of the Ukraine thing, sunflower.

10:34

The sunflower. It is a nice one. Mine's more

10:37

like a honeysuckle. Or like

10:39

a morning glory. Yeah, yours is more like

10:41

with those traps. What do you call them?

10:43

The Venus by trap. Venus by trap. I

10:46

was just saying a guacamole trap for some

10:48

reason. I don't know why. Because they're like

10:50

those big green things. Yeah, okay. So is

10:52

it sexual harassment or is it weird? If

10:55

I ask like a friend who's. A

10:58

girl. Because I've seen all my guy

11:01

friends's penis as a comic. You know what I

11:03

mean? Where? Wouldn't be everywhere.

11:05

We're talking a where. Oh, the Pittsburgh Improv.

11:07

I mean everywhere, you know what I mean?

11:09

Everywhere. On a roller coaster. You know what

11:12

I mean? It's improv, yes. And. Yeah,

11:14

yeah, yeah. But it's like I

11:16

have female friends. On a roller coaster. That I don't

11:18

have any sexual desires. Or I think I just as

11:20

a friend, I would just love to see their genitals.

11:22

That's all. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But it's because of

11:24

the climate and stuff you can't ask. I've never asked.

11:28

Because of the climate, it's hot and stuffy down

11:30

there. It's too hot for me to

11:32

show you my pussy. The climate right now is just,

11:34

it's too hot outside. I

11:36

feel like I've shown you, you've seen my boobs I feel like. Yeah,

11:39

yeah, yeah. They're pretty good. Not the nuance.

11:41

You have nuance? No. I

11:45

don't think I've seen, I don't think I've seen

11:47

your. Dicks are easier to whip out and put

11:49

back in. The vaginas, by the time you show

11:51

it to someone as a joke, you've caught a

11:53

disease. It's an open

11:55

wound. You can't, they're, that's

11:58

my whole thing when I was like, he just pulled a. It's like,

12:00

it's a very easy thing to do to pull your

12:02

dick out. Yeah, but I'm not asking to see the

12:04

lips or the hole. Sure, sure, sure. I'm just asking

12:06

to see just the entry part. You

12:09

know how you see like a beautiful house? You'd love

12:12

to see what's inside, but it's like you just drive by. You want

12:14

to drive by and just see the shutters. That's

12:17

right. You just want to, okay. I want to see

12:19

what style it is. What kind of house is this

12:21

modern? There is a limit to how close you

12:23

can be to a platonic friend of the

12:25

opposite sex if you haven't seen their genitals.

12:28

Yeah. It is wild because

12:30

it's like, if I don't know what you're working

12:32

with, it is hard to advise you on many

12:34

things. So like, for example, I remember a girlfriend

12:36

of mine who, you know, I'm just

12:40

going to say her name. Fuck it. Stephanie

12:42

Sombari. We were like, we're a girlfriend. She

12:44

opened for me on the road for a while. It's

12:46

a good friend. And we're like touring together and she's

12:48

like having all these like guy problems and this and

12:50

this. And then one time we were in SoulCycle

12:52

and I saw her completely naked. And I was like,

12:54

wait, had I known this was your body, I would

12:57

have given you different advice this whole time. What

12:59

do you mean? I was like, do not text him back.

13:01

You are totally, I just hadn't seen her

13:04

like fully naked. And it's like, she just

13:06

has the most incredible body, like most incredible

13:08

like tits, like incredibly, like she

13:10

had this like, like pubes everywhere. I was

13:12

like, bitch, you like. She had pubes

13:14

everywhere? You should have. I

13:17

was like, you know, I just mean like when I

13:19

saw her naked, I was like, you don't need to

13:21

play any games with any guy. They should be, I

13:23

just hadn't seen what she was working with. And

13:26

I know that sounds insane. It sounds insane. Well,

13:28

it's like Emily, the first time I saw Emily,

13:30

I've known her for eight years. And then I,

13:32

all of a sudden we discovered that she's got

13:34

giant like big pendulous

13:36

naturals. We discovered. We

13:39

all discovered. We discovered it this time. We

13:41

all discovered that Emily has no tits. And I'm

13:43

like, I'm like, I would have dealt with you

13:45

completely differently these last eight years knowing that

13:47

you had these like honkers. I

13:50

was like, you're a bully now. I used to

13:52

feel like you were allowed to have

13:54

low self-esteem. But now that I've seen your tits, like how

13:56

dare you? You know, like, so it's

13:58

like, it's stuff like that. I, if I, it's

14:01

like when you find out one of your guy friends has like

14:03

a giant dick, you're like,

14:07

I, like, it just changed. It

14:09

changes the way you advise them, you view

14:11

them, et cetera. I was okay with Pauly

14:13

Shore until I saw his penis. Does

14:16

he have a giant dick? It's not just giant, it

14:18

does this. Is it the size of a weasel?

14:21

It, you know, it's like a, you know how you

14:24

go to Magic Mountain, there's that one ride, you're like,

14:26

ah. Nope. You know, it's like that.

14:28

Nope. And it's so veiny.

14:31

It's like. By the way, can

14:33

you, I want to do a masterclass

14:35

with comedians where they think they're making

14:37

sense, but it's just more confusing. So

14:40

like you're trying to, you're like, you know how like when

14:43

you go on a roller coaster and it's like, no. Let

14:46

me explain better about Pauly's dick then. Okay. All

14:48

right, so let's see if this is the dick. Do you want to explain who Pauly

14:50

Shore is first? For the listeners.

14:52

If you love son-in-law, if you love, in the

14:54

army now. In the army. The casino man is

14:56

a banger. I like that one. I

14:59

don't, not so much, but anyway. So this

15:01

is a penis, right? No. Nope.

15:04

No. All right, so. Let me just draw

15:06

it, okay? Okay. So. Isn't

15:08

it weird that we know each other really well, but

15:11

I've never seen your handwriting? Yeah. So. Okay,

15:14

that is a penis. Oh. By

15:16

the way, you can tell that Bobby's podcast.

15:19

No, that's not Pauly's dick. Tiger Belly and Bad

15:21

Friends are very highly viewed on YouTube because he's

15:23

only mimes. He doesn't, there's no audio experience when

15:25

Bobby's here. I try to fucking do it with

15:27

a hand, man. That's

15:29

not an audio experience. You have to explain. What about just some

15:32

of them just listening? Okay, sorry. Our demo

15:34

is not only YouTube trolls like yours. All

15:36

right. So anyway, I don't know

15:39

how to explain this, but this is a standard.

15:41

You have the palest fan base of anyone I

15:43

know. Every time someone comes up to

15:45

me looking like they have scurvy after one of

15:47

my shows, I'm like, that's a Tiger Belly fan.

15:49

Okay, all right. That's weird. Your fans work nights.

15:51

So here, so that's a regular penis, right? That's

15:54

not a regular penis. Wait, hold on. So

15:56

this isn't, Bobby just- That's my actual size,

15:58

okay? Bobby just drew a- a photo of a

16:00

penis and he fully goes through the world thinking this

16:02

is the shape of a penis. I don't know how

16:04

to help you. What is standing on the ball? Yeah,

16:06

why it's not. Oh! The

16:08

ball, okay. This is an erect penis, to be clear.

16:11

And why did you add wrinkles? Like, why does it

16:13

have crow's feet? Okay, now you're drawing,

16:15

what is that? I can draw

16:17

a picture of my vagina, if you

16:19

want me to. Okay. This

16:22

is Polly's dick. I don't know what house. I don't know

16:24

what house. Okay, Polly's dick is Siamese

16:27

twins. Why

16:29

does it, it's a, it's a, it's twisted. Okay.

16:31

Okay, like a ride. Why is it a centaur?

16:33

I have no idea, I never asked them why

16:35

did it go to some wars in our purple

16:38

heart. I didn't ask them that. So, because it's

16:40

just been through a lot. So you're not saying

16:42

it's big. You're saying it's been, it's sinewy.

16:45

It's also, it's not, okay. It is very thick

16:47

and very long and very big, okay. Very thick,

16:49

very long, very big. It's like an average black

16:51

man's dick, I think. Copy

16:53

that, but why is it all twisted up? I

16:55

think it's all the wars, but can I say about the veins?

16:58

Okay. Every vein that's in the penis,

17:00

you can see it. What, how did you go to

17:02

it? Cause I'd like to, I'd like to write a

17:05

yelp from you. I

17:09

think we need to go back to one. Do we do 20, do we do

17:11

30 days? I think we might want to

17:14

do 90. Okay, okay. So this is

17:16

Polly's dick. Is he cool with you

17:18

talking about this? Yeah. And

17:20

how, what, what context have you seen his dick in?

17:22

Many contexts. Okay, have you seen it hard? No,

17:25

that's a scary part. See, that's the thing about all

17:27

you guys. You've seen each other's dick, but not hard.

17:29

But then that's a different relationship. You

17:31

know what I mean? If my friend, if you want

17:33

to see my dick and it's hard, it just changes

17:36

the relationship right there. It's like, dude,

17:38

don't call me for a couple of years.

17:40

Can I ask you about something? What is

17:42

up with guys that like to have threesomes

17:44

that are friends? I've done that. I

17:47

know. Have you? Nope. Oh,

17:49

it's the, if you, it's the what? I'm

17:52

getting emotional. Am I? I'm

17:54

literally getting emotional. I'm just curious. Like I know

17:57

a lot of guys that are friends and they'll

17:59

have threesomes with girls. and I just don't see

18:01

how that's not awkward. If I saw someone having

18:03

sex with Emily, I would kill myself. Okay, okay.

18:06

And her too. You're so- Everyone would die.

18:08

Your mind is closed, friend. My

18:10

mind is closed. Yeah, and your heart is closed.

18:12

Copy that. Yeah, in every aspect. I hope it

18:14

is. It's true. That's something I've worked very hard

18:16

at. You have

18:19

to once in your life have sex with three

18:21

comedians. With one of my friends. You have to

18:23

do it with ugly people. Like me, guys,

18:26

ugly guys. The women is beautiful. Okay.

18:29

So anyone that's talking to a threesome with you, they already

18:31

know that you think they're ugly. No, no, no. But then

18:33

how do you get- The guy has to be ugly. But

18:36

why would you want to fuck? Isn't the whole point of

18:38

a threesome is that everyone's hot and you want to fuck

18:40

everyone there? When you're a

18:42

comedian, right? The options are like

18:44

small, right? There's because- By

18:46

the way, do you think this is small?

18:48

The whole thing you just made is not

18:50

small. On your hand, guy

18:52

comics that are good looking are not

18:54

a lot, jesel neck. Right,

18:57

you got Jeff Dye. Cutey.

19:00

Jeff Dye is Cutey, right? There's that one

19:03

guy from Canada that's really tall guys. I

19:05

love when guys talk about other guys that

19:07

are hot. It's like I love watching football

19:09

games with guys solely because they'll be like,

19:12

he's handsome. He's good looking guy. Like I love hearing

19:14

this. Yeah, I love to admit it too. But- But

19:17

this is fascinating because I think that any guy

19:19

who is like funny and confident and on stage,

19:22

I can fall in love with and I think

19:24

that's handsome. The number one thing every woman says

19:26

about what they want in a man is sense

19:28

of humor. That's so not true. It is that

19:30

you're gonna make me angry. That's

19:33

so not fucking- Because you weren't angry

19:35

before. You know, the worst thing was

19:37

even as a young comic, when I

19:39

lived in La Jolla, right? How

19:43

do you think you got Kalila? Because

19:46

she has- That jawline? Those

19:50

cheekbones. Yeah, fuck you. Women

19:53

do like a sense of humor. Okay,

19:55

fine. Some women, some

19:57

fucking women, all right. But I'm just saying-

19:59

As a young guy, I was always funny.

20:02

Funnier than everyone else, right? And I

20:04

would have... You mean

20:06

before you got into comedy? Yeah, yeah, but yeah,

20:08

comparatively to other, the best comics in the world,

20:10

I'm okay. But

20:13

anyway, fucker. You are no fuckhead. You know that I

20:15

think you're one of the finest people on the planet. I

20:17

can follow anyone on planet Earth, and that's all I know.

20:20

If you put your hand in my camera one more

20:22

time. Yeah, so sorry. I

20:25

apologize for your show, all right? So

20:27

I had my train of thought, and you... You

20:30

were running a train? No, no, it's good. On...

20:32

in a threesome. So no, I'm gonna get to

20:34

that in a second. But this is like a

20:36

meth conversation. When you're on meth... I've

20:38

never done meth... Oh, well, I've done Adderall. I've had Adderall.

20:41

I know, but real meth. Like ice

20:43

meth, right? When you're with two guys and you're doing

20:45

meth, you write down what you wanna talk about, so

20:47

you don't forget. That's what I do all the time,

20:49

just normally. I was prescribed... Can

20:51

I just finish my fucking thing? Sure. In

20:54

my early 20s, right? I was always good. There

20:56

was this girl, I can name her name, right? And she was...

20:58

And I had a crush on her, and I made a move.

21:00

She goes, I just wanna be friends. Just say it, it's

21:02

fine. We can speak freely here.

21:04

You just talked about Holly Shor's dick for gonna

21:06

grow in the ones, dang. So three months later,

21:09

she meets this other guy. She's like, I

21:11

can't wait to meet... You meet my new

21:14

boyfriend, Ralph. And I go, yeah. She's like,

21:16

he's hilarious like you. And then

21:18

you meet the guy, and he's so

21:21

not funny. He's like

21:23

the... Yeah. And women are always... I've had

21:25

20 experiences like that,

21:27

right? Where someone says this guy's

21:30

exactly like you, his personality. Or they're just

21:32

funny, or you're gonna get along. They're super

21:34

funny. And then you go, no. No. Not

21:36

funny at all in any way. The

21:38

girl's version of that is, oh my God,

21:40

my friend looks exactly like you. And you're

21:42

like, here we go. This is gonna hurt

21:44

my feelings. And they show you a picture of

21:47

just like an actual sweet potato. Yeah, yeah. So let's

21:49

go to the threesome with threesome. Sorry, I was drawing

21:51

my vagina. It says, I need to finish this. That

21:53

does not look like that. There's

21:55

no way. You're right. That is

21:57

not. That looks like an arapeggolo. Yeah. more

22:00

like this. Anyway, so

22:03

when you're having, hooking up

22:05

with three comics in a room, three, you will laugh harder

22:07

than you've ever left in

22:11

your life. But I don't, but

22:13

that's not, sex isn't funny to me.

22:15

It's embarrassing. And the idea of a

22:18

comedian being naked around other comedians, like

22:21

when you're supposed to be like, as

22:24

a woman having sex, I just feel like it's too vulnerable. I don't

22:26

want to be vulnerable around comedians. You know, this is my whole thing

22:29

about how I Because

22:31

how am I going to say like sincere vows in front of comedians?

22:35

I won't. Yeah. I literally, I've been

22:37

engaged. I think my engagement was broken off.

22:39

Cause I started thinking about the vows. I

22:41

was just like, how am I going to

22:43

sincerely talk, like open my heart

22:45

to somebody and cry in front of comedians? But

22:48

having sex with somebody, Oh, cause

22:51

that's not intimate to you. I'm starting to

22:53

realize. It's like, you know,

22:55

NFL players, they still go home and play Madden.

22:58

Why? Madam? Madam.

23:01

It's a video game. I'm not a player. Yeah.

23:03

I don't know how to say Madden. I G any

23:05

G words. I

23:08

would rather play madam. Quite frankly, Madden.

23:11

So you, as you can, you know, sex

23:13

is different. You know, masturbation is different than

23:15

having sex with a loved one. Having sex

23:17

with a bunch of comics is different than

23:19

having sex with a loved one. It's

23:21

different. You go into it with a

23:23

different mentality. You don't go, I'm going to come. You go,

23:25

I'm going to laugh my ass off. But that's

23:28

not for sex. That's, that's, you

23:30

go, is that because you, we've been robbed of

23:32

the ability to enjoy comedy? Cause we're comics that

23:34

you have to go to sex for your humor.

23:37

Yeah. But dude, I'm not a guy. I don't

23:39

think sex, I don't believe in sex being funny.

23:41

Like when I go to porn now and I

23:43

see all these like funny sketches where someone is

23:45

roller skating, they trip and fall on a deck

23:47

and it's like, Oh, like I

23:50

love Lucy of porn. I don't think I

23:52

don't get that. Yeah. But imagine. Sex is

23:54

serious to me. But imagine, you

23:56

know, let's say you, me, let's give you

23:58

a third comment. Brian's. that's a me. Because

24:01

if you laugh at a woman, here's what

24:03

it is. If you laugh at a woman

24:05

during sex, I'm not sexy or pretty. I

24:07

have walked out before in lingerie, the

24:10

first time I was able to have money and I'm

24:12

with a guy and I buy lingerie and I put

24:14

it on and I got it wrong or whatever. And it's

24:16

just like, I look like I'm David Carradine hanging myself

24:18

with a fish net or whatever. And the guy

24:20

was dating laughed. And that was

24:23

the most humiliating, it left such a mark.

24:25

The idea of a woman trying to be

24:27

sexy and someone laughing is

24:29

too traumatic. Okay. But

24:31

imagine this, you're laying on your back. When you had threesomes

24:33

with a guy, a comedian and a girl, did

24:36

she like that you were just laughing at her

24:38

pussy? Yeah, because she was laughing

24:40

at my dick first. But then

24:42

why would you wanna have sex? Because, listen,

24:44

I pulled my pianos out and she

24:46

burst. You popped it out. Yeah, I

24:48

popped it out. But she burst into

24:50

like holding her side, going

24:53

on the ground and just convulsing laughing, which

24:55

made me and the other. Which means the roofies had not

24:57

kicked in yet. And you needed to.

24:59

Yeah. And I started

25:02

laughing so hard. And the

25:04

other guy comic laughed so hard. We

25:06

spent laughing for 45 minutes. And it's my dick is still

25:09

out. Then you have in coitus? And

25:11

then we had intercourse later. It

25:13

was great. You have to try it. But

25:16

no, because we're 50. I guess I'm

25:18

realizing that sex for me is

25:20

more of a means to an

25:22

end. It's not like

25:24

a joyful, like let's have fun. I

25:29

can't look you in the eye and apologize for that

25:31

thing I did wrong. So I guess something. It's more

25:34

of a healing chore than

25:38

it is like a recreational hobby.

25:42

This was 20 years ago and I don't do

25:44

that anymore. Because to me sex, I feel like

25:46

has so many, yeah. I

25:50

love laughing during sex. Like in

25:52

acts of mine, one

25:56

of the hardest times I've ever laughed is when I told

25:58

him. Like, I

26:01

want you one time during sex to call me

26:03

a pig and see if we can get through

26:05

without laughing. Like don't tell me when you're gonna do

26:07

it. Four

26:09

months later, we're in Hong Kong

26:13

and had had some like weird brandy and

26:15

he was like, take it you fucking pig.

26:17

And I, we laughed for like three days.

26:19

Yeah, yeah. It was one of the fun.

26:21

That's what I'm talking about. That's hilarious. That's what I'm talking

26:24

about. But it can't be LOLs

26:26

from the jump. I'd be

26:28

embarrassed. I'm too sensitive. To

26:30

each his own. I'm too sensitive. I get insecure.

26:33

Yeah, but you know what? Because I've

26:35

gone to deep therapy and

26:37

I'm- Deep therapy? Can

26:41

I tell you what happened to me in the last couple of months? Sure. Did

26:43

you know? I

26:47

will respond to your texts any minute. Do

26:49

I know what happened to you the last couple of months? Yeah, but the last

26:51

month, did you know, like a little over a month ago,

26:54

did you know what happened? I

26:56

felt like I was gonna die. I

27:00

started- Oh, I'm sorry. You're

27:11

such a fucking asshole. I'm

27:14

sorry. I'm sorry. What

27:16

a fucking bitch, dude. I'm a bitch witch. You're

27:19

a bitch witch. You're

27:22

a skanky bitch bitch witch. Oh,

27:24

Shalom. I am on tour right now. I'm

27:26

gonna be at the Mirage Theater in Las

27:29

Vegas on July 6. Come celebrate

27:31

America's birthday with me. I'll be in San Francisco

27:33

July 25th through 27th. Then

27:35

I'm coming to Kansas City on August 10th, September

27:38

5th, the day after me and

27:40

Beyonce's birthday, I'll be at the Majestic Theater

27:42

in Dallas, where last time I was there,

27:45

someone punched someone in the audience. September 6th,

27:47

I'll be in Austin, Texas, at Austin City

27:49

Limits Live. I've never done that venue. September

27:51

7th, I'll be in the 713 Music Hall

27:53

in Houston, doing comedy and halls still.

27:56

And then I'm going all over the country.

27:58

I'm gonna be Chicago theater. North

28:00

Carolina, South Carolina, you

28:03

name it, I'll be there. I just I can't

28:05

remember anything anymore. Pat, what do I say next?

28:07

Tickets as usual, whitneycummings.com. What do you have to

28:10

hold the shaft of the microphone? For updates, for

28:12

tour dates and updates, choke on it. When

28:14

you get close and choke it. Such

28:16

a good tour name. whitneycummings.com.

28:19

Choke on it. Hi, everyone.

28:21

Have you ever seen someone opening, cracking

28:24

open what looks like a beer in the middle

28:26

of a meeting or kids drinking something

28:28

that looks like an energy drink at soccer practice?

28:31

Well, that's liquid death. Do I have to read

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this? I mean, I love you, liquid death. I

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really use your product. Maybe we don't need

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to do any of this. How about that? I love

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liquid death. As you can tell by my table in

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my podcast studio, this is not even a joke. I

28:44

have look how many liquid deaths

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I just straight up have. So in the

28:48

morning, I drink the Grim Leafer because it

28:50

has caffeine. It's half tea, has agave and

28:52

vitamins. And then I do. I'm obsessed

28:54

with the convicted melon at the moment. It's my

28:56

like flavored water one. And then I'm back to the regular

28:58

water. I like the carbonated

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the bubbles. But I was burping too much and

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This show is sponsored by better help, you know

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just take it out on everyone else Ha life

30:14

hack JK therapy is a safe space to get

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30:21

really gonna need it because this week I'm going

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30:25

comics and I'm gonna Be stuck on a bus

30:28

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30:31

tools. I actually did I did a

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good therapy Moment

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this weekend where for

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me the therapy kicks in when Someone

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that I love or I'm in some kind of

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relationship with friendship work does some makes a mistake

30:46

Or does what I knew they were gonna do I

30:48

was like I'm not gonna tell them

30:50

not to do that or what I say is

30:52

gonna happen happens and for me to not say

30:54

I told You so I am basically in therapy

30:56

to not say see You

31:03

Mean look at my life. It's so

31:05

together listen to me so

31:09

To not be that know-it-all because

31:11

sometimes I'm wrong I mean not

31:13

often but sometimes or like

31:15

maybe the person needs that mistake in order to grow

31:17

Long-term, you know and I'm over here being like no

31:19

no, here's what's gonna happen and here's how you fix

31:22

it And here's what you need to do But like

31:24

sometimes people need the dignity of their own experience

31:26

and I don't need to be right all the

31:29

time Would you rather be right or happy Pat?

31:31

Right me too? Cursed

31:37

To me being right is being happy Exactly

31:42

if I'm biting my tongue and someone else

31:44

thinks they're right, but I'm secretly right I

31:46

just I'd rather Jump off

31:48

a cliff with the now 378

31:51

hundred people who have stinking selfies

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h-e-l-p.com slash Whitney. I

32:31

knew that, can we pitch gravestone

32:33

ideas for Bobby? So

32:35

I knew, I knew. You

32:39

are such a bitch, I hate you. I knew you were coming to

32:41

the podcast. I knew we were gonna talk about some really heavy shit.

32:44

And as someone that has been

32:46

incredibly, that loves

32:48

you like a brother,

32:50

that truly considers you family, and someone that's been

32:52

so worried and scared and loves you, I knew

32:55

we were gonna talk about this today, but

32:57

I- That's why I brought

32:59

up Pauly Shore's dick. Okay, good. A

33:01

little levity, a little levity. You know, you know. I

33:04

opened with Pauly. You know that's funny. Right,

33:06

right. I opened with a, you know,

33:08

so. Yes. And listen, we don't have to

33:10

talk about the whole fucking time, I just wanna check in with

33:12

you. I would love to talk about it. I just

33:15

love you, and I'm cutting tension

33:17

with Diving Silly, and I'm sorry.

33:23

You almost died, we get it. So,

33:25

bleh. Can I just tell you

33:27

what happened? Yes. So what happened was,

33:31

when Bob died, I was still, so I was doing

33:33

like 2,000, 3,000

33:35

milligrams of edibles a day. Yeah.

33:38

Smoking 24 hours a day, and drinking,

33:40

and- By the time he died,

33:42

you had built up to that. I had built up

33:45

to that. Because here's, something that I think is just

33:47

worth talking about, you know, is people that are both

33:49

in programs, that are both trying

33:51

to stay emotionally sober. I

33:54

think that, you know, as someone that, very

33:56

publicly, I think you saw, had struggled

33:58

with edibles over the- pandemic, ruined one

34:01

of my friend's online Zoom

34:03

memorials, because I was so

34:05

high on edibles. That's

34:09

the thing that I can't really take.

34:11

And currently that is my allergy. But

34:14

you also go, in 10 years,

34:17

maybe that'll change. It's one day at a time.

34:19

For now, the edibles don't work for me.

34:21

And as someone that, you know, has been, you

34:23

know, sober, there is this thing where you go like,

34:25

okay, for now, this doesn't work for me. But I,

34:27

maybe in 10 years, I'll experiment with smoking weed or

34:29

yeah, and you see people who can

34:31

or can't or but there is like, that

34:34

period where you're like, I've been sober for a while,

34:36

let me just try to see if I could do

34:38

this like a gentleman now with all this recovery. Was

34:40

that how it kind of started? Yeah, but

34:43

also what I realized through this is

34:45

I've been told this by many therapists

34:47

and psychiatrists, because I've been in two

34:49

rehabs in the last couple of months.

34:52

They say that when somebody has PTSD

34:54

or extreme trauma, and they do weed,

34:56

it does the adverse effect,

34:58

right? So I became manic. And

35:01

I become I can't

35:03

eat or sleep. So um, but I

35:05

was smoking cigarettes. I mean, I've been smoking since

35:07

I was 18. So when Bob died, I started

35:09

coughing up chunks of blood in

35:13

my mucus. And it was like

35:15

dark blood. And all the time,

35:17

and I would send it to Kaleila, because she's

35:19

a nurse and stuff. And just like, am I

35:21

dying? She's like, what the fuck, you know, stop

35:23

sending me Whitney's Nood. Yeah,

35:26

yeah. No, she

35:28

wasn't like, is that Whitney's? You know, I

35:30

mean, period blood, you know, I go that's from my

35:32

lungs, you know, and so

35:35

you know, when you're using not sleeping, you know, not

35:37

eating, and then all of a sudden, your friends died,

35:39

and then Louis died, I used to open for Louis

35:41

Louis, you know, your friends with Louis, yeah, one of

35:43

the greatest, nicest guys in the world.

35:46

And I just became

35:48

I started thinking about death a lot.

35:50

And I was like, and I convinced

35:52

myself I was dying. Because

35:54

I was coughing up blood. And then

35:56

I could not leave my bed for

35:58

weeks. And

40:00

I went to one of those, I showed up, they're like,

40:02

just go in that room. I laid next to- And

40:04

how did you, what was your, do you mind if I

40:06

just get granular about, like what did you do? Obviously you

40:09

are financially solvent, but did you just go ask

40:11

your therapist for a suggestion? Cause sometimes when people

40:13

that go to rehab run their own thing,

40:16

it's like, you're not- Well,

40:19

I did, I mean, like a gross guy.

40:21

I'm a gross guy. I'm just gonna

40:23

like go to the first seasons for a couple days, sweat

40:25

it out. No, I actually asked

40:27

where the celebrities go. Yeah, I'm gonna go- And

40:30

they go, this place. And

40:32

they named me this guy, you know, years ago,

40:34

this person, this person, but what I didn't realize,

40:36

and what no one realized is that place was

40:38

bought out by a corporation. So

40:40

they got rid of like high

40:42

end and just say, let's just get

40:45

everyone in, right? So no

40:47

one goes there anymore, right? So

40:49

I was laying next to a naked 60

40:51

year old man going through alcohol withdrawal.

40:54

And our beds were like literally- Services? I

40:56

can't tell you what kind of services. Okay, okay, okay. I

40:58

don't wanna- No, it wasn't in California. It was an in-house

41:01

place. Got it. And this guy was literally

41:03

going, screaming at the top of

41:05

his, like, just screaming at the top of his

41:07

lungs. And I'm just going, what the fuck? And

41:09

then I see a kid being dragged by his

41:11

hair. He's like, I'm gonna fucking

41:13

gouge your eyes with fucking ice picks. And like people

41:16

just wandering around in hospital garbs, not

41:18

knowing where to go. And I have to be here for fucking 30

41:20

days. So I

41:23

got out. You left. Yeah, and so I

41:25

went to another place. Which is, and you just really, and

41:28

I'm not trying to ask where it was, but

41:32

in my experience with this kind of stuff, it's like,

41:34

if you're like, I'm gonna choose a place that's

41:36

close to home, you'll probably be able to leave

41:39

if you need to. So sometimes

41:41

I was advised the first time I did,

41:43

was involved in an intervention with somebody who needed to go

41:46

to rehab, they basically were like, the first one's gonna

41:48

be a wash. Don't spend

41:50

money on the first one because they're gonna

41:52

leave. They're gonna go

41:54

fuck this shit. Detoxing is a nightmare.

41:56

Yeah, that's interesting. Cause

41:58

then you're just gonna get resent. and you're gonna waste

42:01

all this money in the health insurance stuff

42:03

by going to a rehab that, because rehab's

42:05

so prohibitively expensive. Oh my God. You know?

42:07

So the first one, not that

42:09

that's your first, but just like the first

42:12

one's probably not gonna take anyway because they're

42:14

just gonna go, I'm gonna get the fuck outta here. And they can't

42:16

make you stay unless you've been 51.50 during a

42:18

conservatorship. That's interesting, yeah. This one's in the middle of a

42:20

desert, though it's hard to leave. Sure, so you're at Burning

42:22

Man. I think it was just Burning Man, what you're

42:25

describing. Yeah. It

42:28

was Coachella. A general line, yeah. So

42:30

you were just like fuck this, not doing this. Well they

42:33

wouldn't let me leave and I had to call my lawyer.

42:35

Sure. They wouldn't let me leave. But

42:37

so. So I had to stay there for four

42:39

days. And they had to, so you, you know, I was on

42:41

weed and alcohol, right? Because you were detoxing,

42:43

which is sometimes a separate from. But three times

42:45

a day you would have to wait in this line and

42:48

they would give you a bowl just

42:50

filled with pills. And

42:53

I go, what the fuck? They're like, just take it. You

42:55

take like 15 pills. I don't know what fuck is in it. You

42:58

didn't know what they were. Yeah, now I know it's

43:00

Ativan Valley, all these fucking things, right? Gabapant

43:02

and all these things. Yeah. Right? It's

43:05

a while when you get more drugs in rehab than you

43:07

were on before. And so I'm like now

43:09

walking around this place for four days with

43:11

a bunch of teenagers, just

43:13

smoking cigarettes in a soccer field in the

43:15

middle. Like it's fucking breakfast club.

43:17

My question is what are the teenagers saying about

43:19

you? Like I love it when I'm like, I was

43:21

in this place with all these weirdos and they

43:23

have the same story. They're like, and there was this

43:26

fucking guy with long hair smoking cigarettes. Trying

43:29

to leave. No, no, no, they were like

43:31

no sothras papaya. They were like Tiger belly

43:33

people. They were like your fans.

43:35

You went to rehab and all your fans were there? No,

43:37

not all of them, but like there was like 30 teenage

43:40

kids, maybe three or four of them would go, you

43:42

know what I mean? I love Kaleila, what's going on? You know what I mean?

43:44

So it's just, you know, It is so funny that you

43:46

went to rehab and it was Tiger belly fans. Yeah, there's a

43:48

couple. I'm sure there was a couple

43:50

of Whitney fans as well. All right. You

43:53

have fans there too. Fuck, fuck. That

43:55

is so funny. So anyway. Why

43:58

is this a surprise? I know, I didn't say it. I'm

44:00

like, fucking two or three people that fucking react that know

44:02

the fuck I am! Sorry. It's

44:05

like when I went to Crazy Girls on Sunset when I

44:07

first started being on TV. And I

44:09

was like, what's it like being famous? I was like, I don't really feel that

44:11

famous. I can go to the airport, I can go to the grocery store. And

44:14

me and Zoey and Mr. Jones went to Crazy Girls, which

44:17

is not even a strip club, it's like a bikini bar.

44:19

It's like the girls that don't make it to the fully

44:21

nude ones. They don't book the audition. They

44:23

go to this bikini bar and half

44:25

of them are pregnant. They've got tampon

44:27

strings hanging out and they play the best 90s

44:30

hip hop music. And Zoey and I went

44:32

in there. Every girl that worked there as

44:35

a bikini bar stripper girl, they're like, we

44:37

did it! It's like, oh, this is why

44:39

I'm famous. You're on a network TV show and

44:41

you're also walking in with a fucking co-star. I

44:43

know, but it was like strippers. What a

44:45

surprise. This is my demo. They have televisions

44:47

too, believe it or not. You're missing the

44:49

points! Oh, God, I wanna gouge your eyes

44:52

out. So anyway,

44:55

you're a witch bitch. Anyway, so

44:57

I left the place and

44:59

the new place wasn't open for seven

45:01

days, like an opening. So I had

45:04

to come- The new rehab? Yeah, so I had to go to LA

45:06

for seven days. Is this a franchise? No.

45:08

The rehab wasn't open yet? Maybe you could- No, no,

45:11

no, no. Because the one place I wanted to

45:13

go is only eight. They only allow eight

45:15

people at a time. Okay. Right? So

45:18

it's like really specialized. Sure. You

45:20

know what I mean? It's the best. I had been there

45:22

before. I went there two years ago. It's

45:25

an elevator. Fuck.

45:32

You're so good. You're so quick and

45:35

you're so great. And that's what I

45:37

have to remind myself. It's Whitney is who she

45:39

is. You accept her, be mindful about what she's

45:41

saying, be very present and just

45:44

have empathy. There's a lot of

45:46

holes in this story. There's a lot. There's

45:48

a lot. So you leave the first one and you're

45:50

like, fuck this, you're

45:52

uncomfortable, you're restless, irritable, discontent. I

45:55

wanna go straight from here. Are

45:57

you allowed to call people? No, at that place, they take

45:59

your phone. Yeah, every time you call you

46:01

have to call payphone. Mm-hmm But you

46:03

know so it's like it was really difficult to get out

46:05

getting hold of people this and that

46:08

anyway I got out I just spent seven

46:10

days in LA and I just never

46:12

left the houses laid in bed And I

46:14

went to this new place and it

46:16

so it's outpatient and I was at the

46:18

hotel and I

46:22

made the Wyatt hotel if it's outpatient. Oh, it's a different state.

46:24

It's a different. No, it's the same state different

46:26

city Arizona, that's

46:28

where all the rehabs are. Yeah, it's interesting. It's

46:30

interesting and I went to The

46:33

hotel room and that night I

46:36

slept by the door of the hotel

46:38

room because I literally thought If

46:40

I because of Bob died in a hotel room,

46:42

so I literally thought I want them to

46:44

discover my body, you know Or

46:47

if I'm having a stroke or I'm

46:49

dying don't make it don't

46:51

fucking I'm sorry I'm

46:54

sorry It's just that you and Bob are

46:56

the two people like I love the most and

46:58

thinking about either of you dead I

47:00

is so that I don't cry I Yeah,

47:02

you deflect so I I was gonna open the door

47:04

if I was gonna heart attack so that they could

47:07

find my body I mean, that's how fucking

47:09

crazy I was and then

47:11

when I went to the new place, I didn't sleep for six nights

47:13

in a row Over

47:17

96 hours almost Like

47:19

a hundred hours of not sleeping, you know

47:21

and not I'm not even talking laying in

47:23

bed Like yeah, my heart racing pacing in

47:25

my hotel room and are you in those

47:28

seven days? Did you come back and and

47:30

like used to stay? No, I

47:32

think sober since that first place. Oh, wow. Okay,

47:35

so you're That was

47:37

like a couple weeks over at this new place

47:39

and Bob's dead and Bob's dead and they they

47:41

asked me to leave because they couldn't do any

47:43

work because What I need

47:46

is EMDR trauma work. Yep, you know, I

47:48

mean so it's a game-changer. So they told

47:50

me to go Home

47:53

get blood work because if you think you're dying

47:56

Like we get some blood work I

48:00

find that really funny. So

48:03

they go and I got blood work.

48:05

I came back, x-rays, blood

48:08

pressure, heart, everything. And

48:11

everything's fine. And

48:14

my doctor was like, you're smoking weed 24 hours a

48:16

day and

48:18

you're smoking cigarettes 24 hours a day and the amount you're

48:20

smoking, yeah, you're gonna cough up blood. So

48:25

now I'm back and I got a psychiatrist

48:27

and I am on a little Ritalin today

48:30

for second day and I'm gonna go back

48:32

to this place in

48:34

a month. And where we were looping, just the

48:36

idea of like being, was this the first time

48:38

you felt like a psychiatrist brought up the idea

48:40

of OCD and? No,

48:43

two years ago when I went to this place, it's a

48:45

trauma place. They have the best therapists in the world and

48:47

it's the greatest place I've ever been to and I've been

48:49

to five in my life. It's

48:53

called betterhelp.com. Promo code Whitney. You

48:57

know betterhelp? I love betterhelp. Yeah, love betterhelp. You

48:59

can go just to Arizona and just get better

49:02

help from a hotel in Arizona if you wanted

49:04

to be outpatient. Yeah, but they match you with

49:06

your therapist. 48 hours or

49:08

less, you will get a response. You

49:10

can switch at any time. They're

49:13

constantly adding new therapists. You

49:17

know what it's not? It's not a crisis line. It's

49:21

not self-help. Yeah, anyway. Go

49:23

for 30 more seconds and then we're gonna go. I'm glad we got that

49:26

in the bag. That's funny. Anyway,

49:28

so now I have 30, I'm

49:32

gonna say something. Seven? No, what's

49:34

it? Wait, wait, wait. It's 37. One,

49:36

two, three, four. 36 days of

49:38

everything. Now, here's the thing. Porn.

49:41

Porn. Porn. We get ya. I

49:46

didn't wanna have sex with Kalilah anymore. And

49:49

she's wildly out of your league. Let

49:54

me. Okay, sorry.

49:56

Absorb that. My bad. Keep going.

49:59

God, it hurt. as

56:00

long as it's your choice and it's

56:02

consensual. Like, when do you know? I

56:05

usually am like, that bruise is a little

56:07

too big for me to enjoy this porn.

56:09

How do you know if there- It's what,

56:11

it's whoever, it's your individual decision,

56:13

right? It's like, I don't wanna eat McDonald's,

56:15

right? Because I think it's, but my niece

56:18

eats McDonald's. I think McDonald's is

56:20

poison. Sure. And if you keep eating

56:22

it, you're gonna die. But people eat it and I have nothing.

56:24

I don't think they should, but they fucking

56:26

do it anyway and I'll give a fuck. But

56:29

to be, if I may, are

56:32

you saying that that's capitalizing on the trauma

56:34

of animals? Cause it's meat? Because the porn

56:36

thing is, cause here's

56:39

the thing, there is a huge rise in

56:41

amateur porn where people that are dating consensually

56:43

film themselves having sex and put it on.

56:45

Yeah, I get what you're saying. It's not

56:47

my place to say I'm participating in a

56:49

rape or a trauma, cause I

56:51

don't know. I'm not telling

56:54

anyone to stop working in their

56:56

field or watching it.

56:59

I'm just saying for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

57:01

yeah. It feels spooky. That's what it feels

57:03

like. It feels weird. It feels like I'm

57:05

supporting something that's evil. Yeah.

57:08

And that's just me. I'm

57:10

working on a bit about

57:12

like how, cause I'm dating a guy

57:15

that sees like nine years younger than me and everyone's

57:17

like, well, why would you wanna be with someone that

57:19

was like exclusively raised by porn? And I guess I'm

57:21

just like, no one talks about, and you're talking about

57:23

it now, the negative effects of porn on men. And

57:26

like he has all these fears that

57:29

I've never seen in a man. Like he won't let

57:31

me alone with the pizza guy. Like

57:33

he gets really nervous. That's really funny. He won't

57:35

let me hang out with my stepbrother. Like

57:38

he's really stressed. He won't let me

57:40

do the laundry. He thinks I'm gonna like get stuck in the

57:42

laundry machine. That's

57:44

80s porn. He's got a,

57:46

that's when they used to do storylines that they don't do

57:48

that anymore. They do gonzo, it's fine. Yes.

57:51

He doesn't like it when I'm like on the yoga ball

57:53

at the gym. He's like, get off that yoga ball. Don't

57:55

you want me at working out? Just like the new paranoia

57:57

that guys have. But yeah, I mean good on you for

57:59

like knowing. So

1:04:00

I think as I've gotten older, Alanon helped me with

1:04:02

that in inner child work. Yeah, and that's also what I

1:04:04

love. As you can tell by this podcast, I need

1:04:06

everything to be very neat and tidy. I'm

1:04:09

gonna leave all these two sticks on the table, but my point is

1:04:11

that that's what I love

1:04:13

about you because there's a couple of guys, you

1:04:16

and Mark, that I can go to and talk

1:04:18

about these

1:04:21

things, 12-step stuff,

1:04:24

you know the language, and there's

1:04:26

a safety in that. I don't wanna show you this.

1:04:31

What, okay, you're just- This is circles of

1:04:33

intimacy. Let's just call it there. So he's

1:04:35

holding up an index card with two circles,

1:04:37

it kinda looks like an egg, and then

1:04:40

he misjudged how big the

1:04:42

card was. So the circle

1:04:44

is, like, goes off the

1:04:46

card. Right, so in

1:04:48

the center circle, imagine the center circle, right?

1:04:50

That's supposed to be me and God, right?

1:04:53

And by God, you mean? Whatever your perception of God

1:04:55

or spirituality, or it's within, right? It's like the spiritual

1:04:57

connection within, right? And what I would say about God,

1:05:00

just really quick for people to hear God and they

1:05:02

go, ugh, because they were Catholic and molested or something,

1:05:04

because that can be a triggering word for people. What

1:05:06

we say in program is, you don't have to believe

1:05:08

in God, you just have to believe that you're not

1:05:10

God, and if you believe that

1:05:13

you're not, your God can be anything. The

1:05:15

universe, Ava DuVernay,

1:05:17

Scientology, you know, Pete

1:05:19

Davidson's dick, whatever you want. Mine's

1:05:22

just Pete Davidson's dick. So the

1:05:24

center circle should be you and

1:05:26

your spirituality, the second

1:05:28

circle should be your loved ones, like

1:05:31

your girlfriend. Money. Got

1:05:34

it, loved ones. Is

1:05:37

that chosen loved ones or does that family count?

1:05:39

That's the thing, in that second circle, this

1:05:42

is what I was taught, right? Is should

1:05:44

be not a lot of people. You

1:05:46

can't be that intimate with everyone,

1:05:49

right? So it's like, right

1:05:51

now my second circle is Kala'a. We

1:05:53

forget about, okay, so I did this

1:05:55

attachment strategy, of course, that was similar

1:05:57

and you had tears. I

1:20:00

don't want to do that anymore. Here's what I

1:20:02

will say. I do think that we shouldn't be

1:20:04

just responding to everyone out of obligation either. Yeah,

1:20:06

I know. Because that's all we would do if

1:20:09

we just responded to people. Yeah. But

1:20:11

when you don't respond to me, or if I don't

1:20:13

text you back, I'm going like, well, I'm gonna see

1:20:15

him tonight anyway. Yeah, oh right, right, right, right. I

1:20:18

think you have to look at your motives of why

1:20:20

you're responding to somebody. And if you're responding just out

1:20:22

of obligation, you just gotta go, maybe I'm at capacity.

1:20:24

I know that's not what you're doing. Yours is like

1:20:27

pathological and self-sabotaging. But I did find, I

1:20:29

spent so much of my life just responding to people

1:20:31

because they texted me, or going out to lunch and

1:20:33

hikes just because someone asked me. There is a point

1:20:35

as an adult where you have to go like, if

1:20:37

I were to, if I had to respond to every

1:20:39

text and every phone call, that's all I would do.

1:20:42

And we do have to protect our time and energy

1:20:44

and not like force people

1:20:46

to make us invest in friendships we don't want

1:20:48

to be in. Yeah. So

1:20:50

there's a happy medium. Can I ask you a

1:20:52

quick question? It's kind of a side note. Okay,

1:20:55

because, okay. It's a behavioral thing. So last

1:20:57

year, when you don't respond to me, I'm like, thank

1:20:59

God. Last

1:21:02

year I was in Hungary and I was at,

1:21:04

you know how? Doing what? Obviously.

1:21:07

Nothing, just doing a tour. The most interesting

1:21:09

thing you say, you just throw away. Yeah.

1:21:12

So I was in rehab. That was in rehab. I

1:21:14

go all over the world. That's

1:21:16

where the ovaries

1:21:19

anonymous. That's where the ovaries are.

1:21:21

It's where the eating disorder rehabs are. So I

1:21:24

was in Hungary and I was in a store

1:21:26

and they don't know who I am, but I

1:21:29

was in a conversation with somebody and he goes, what do you do?

1:21:31

I go, I'm a comedian. He goes, I love Bert Kreischer. That's

1:21:34

what he said. And I go, what?

1:21:36

No. He's not. And

1:21:39

I go, yeah, he's a good friend of mine. He's like, no, you don't know him.

1:21:42

So I FaceTime Bert Kreischer. He

1:21:45

picks up. By the way, having this, whenever

1:21:47

any comedian FaceTime is another comedian, you run

1:21:49

into someone, you're ambushing me with a fan

1:21:52

of mine. Right. So that's exactly

1:21:54

what it is. But

1:21:56

the question is this, right? And Bert answered, I

1:21:58

go, hey, there's a fan here. And

1:22:00

then I hung, you know, he was super nice. I

1:22:02

go, thank you for picking up, hung out. And

1:22:05

they treated me different, right? But am I doing

1:22:07

it for Burt to reach out to a

1:22:09

fan or am I doing it to brag? That I know

1:22:11

for a price share. To someone you'll never see again. Yeah,

1:22:13

so what am I doing it for? Honestly,

1:22:16

to get the exchange over with. I

1:22:19

think so. You're just trying to get it over

1:22:22

with. That, honestly, is the- I'm bragging, I'm fucking

1:22:24

bragging. It's the fastest way to get out of

1:22:26

that situation that you've, you're in and

1:22:28

in bro-yo. Is that how you pronounce it? You're

1:22:30

in a morass of this

1:22:32

person where someone's like, do you know

1:22:34

this person? Now you have to prove

1:22:36

to them. No, you just, comedians are

1:22:38

obsessed with justice and someone just accused

1:22:40

you of being a liar. And

1:22:43

now you're like, all right, I'm gonna fucking call this motherfucker. So I

1:22:45

don't have to go through the rest of my trip in Hungary. Thinking

1:22:49

that this guy that works at basically the

1:22:51

Hungarian version of Forever 21 is gonna just

1:22:53

call me a liar, how dare you? So

1:22:55

it's really more of that. Like when people

1:22:58

will be like, so yeah, like accuse me

1:23:00

of like, I'll just be like,

1:23:02

here, I'm gonna call a bitch. Cause we

1:23:04

have to prove ourselves. I think as comedians,

1:23:06

we have to prove ourselves every

1:23:08

day, all the time. And

1:23:11

the idea that you have to prove yourself to

1:23:13

this fucking guy who just accused you of lying

1:23:15

to him. But why can't we just

1:23:17

say, why can't I just do

1:23:19

this? I know him, no, you don't. Okay, and just

1:23:22

move on. Because we're obsessed with justice and because someone

1:23:24

called you a liar. And we're, comedians are a lot

1:23:26

of things, but we're not

1:23:28

liars. That is my biggest third rail.

1:23:30

When someone accuses me of like lying

1:23:32

or being dishonest. Like if someone, I

1:23:35

have this thing where if I'm late for something, I will

1:23:38

take a picture of the traffic I'm in and just send

1:23:40

it. Cause I'm like, I never want

1:23:43

anyone to think I'm lying. So I'm obsessed with providing

1:23:45

proof at all times. Oh, I would

1:23:47

totally fucking do that. Yeah, okay. And then

1:23:49

I would take

1:23:51

gasoline and I would put it all over the

1:23:53

store and then I would set it on fire.

1:23:56

Okay, let me ask you another question then. Just real

1:23:59

quick. you accuse someone you don't

1:24:01

know of lying. Like why would you lie about

1:24:03

knowing Burke Kreischer? What

1:24:05

a dumb lie. Yeah, but

1:24:07

also I could lie too

1:24:09

and say if I was an open miker, and

1:24:11

he goes, I love Burke Kreischer, I go, I

1:24:13

know him, right? I could see an

1:24:15

open miker doing that if they don't know him. In

1:24:19

Hungary? Maybe. Also, why are you

1:24:21

talking to people at stores in Hungary? There's

1:24:23

so many... Because a lot of them don't

1:24:25

speak English, so when somebody does speak English,

1:24:27

because I had weeks off

1:24:30

at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was

1:24:32

shooting something, they were like, you have two

1:24:34

weeks off. There's also sometimes you have to

1:24:36

lie to get out of something. So I had

1:24:38

someone come and help me hang stuff up

1:24:40

for this podcast studio. I

1:24:42

love this. And sometimes

1:24:45

people will come to shows and they'll bring me

1:24:47

knickknacks and trinkets and this is where I put

1:24:49

them up. And someone made like Legos of Me.

1:24:51

See, they're all fallen down. I don't know how

1:24:53

to keep them standing up. So those are Legos

1:24:55

of Me with pink hair and blue hair and

1:24:57

whatever. And so this guy was hanging stuff up

1:24:59

and he was looking at the Legos and he

1:25:01

goes, oh, I collect Legos. And I was like,

1:25:03

oh, these are actually little Legos

1:25:05

of me. And he was like, you

1:25:08

were in the Lego movie? And I was like, yeah.

1:25:14

You lied? Yes. By the time I explained

1:25:16

that I'm not in the Lego movie and

1:25:19

then people just make Legos of me. And

1:25:22

what's fucked up? I was in a Lego movie

1:25:24

and I don't have a fucking Lego. Because as

1:25:26

I'm saying, I'm like, the fact that he jumped from

1:25:28

you were in the Lego, I'm like, no, I didn't

1:25:31

buy the Lego of my, someone, and then I'm like,

1:25:33

I'm going to sound like I'm lying if I say

1:25:35

no, a fan just made me a Lego of myself.

1:25:37

And he's coming back on Thursday and I'm fully waiting

1:25:39

for him to be like, I Googled you and you're

1:25:42

not in the Lego movie. I'm like, yeah, well, you

1:25:44

just made things weird. No, I want you

1:25:46

to apologize. So sometimes I'll lie just to get

1:25:48

out of it's like easier to just say

1:25:50

yes. Did you

1:25:52

know that 95% of pregnant women are

1:25:54

not getting the recommended daily intake of

1:25:56

key omega threes? Yuck.

1:26:00

Thank God for Ritual. Their prenatal contains 350

1:26:02

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1:26:04

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1:26:06

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1:26:10

I chose Ritual's essential for women prenatal because

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it is made traceable. I still don't know

1:26:15

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1:26:19

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1:26:22

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1:26:25

choline and methylated folate. That's a very important

1:26:27

thing. I know it just sounds

1:26:29

like I'm saying but methylated folate,

1:26:31

some people don't methylate. I

1:26:34

don't remember the rest of it, but it's very important. Why?

1:26:37

Because sometimes our bodies don't methylate. And I took the test that

1:26:39

said I don't. Something has to be methylated

1:26:41

for me to absorb it. Okay, how about that? And

1:26:45

folate for neural tube development. That

1:26:47

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today's the day I lose the Ritual sponsorship.

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1:27:08

took ritual vitamins when I was pregnant and my baby

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I was pregnant with my child,

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I started balding. Like full on

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smithers, like just two hairs on

1:27:22

the top. And then you have

1:27:24

a child and they, your

1:27:27

hairline just starts like receding a little bit

1:27:29

and it just gets a little like crusty

1:27:31

the clown forehead type deal. And you

1:27:34

guys saw me for a while there. I had to

1:27:36

spray on my hairline with basically, I

1:27:39

don't know what it is. I used, I don't

1:27:41

know, I got it from Justin Trudeau's blackface guy.

1:27:43

I don't know what it is, but it like

1:27:45

filled it in. And now I've been taking Nutrafol.

1:27:47

My hair is thicker than ever. It's more voluptuous

1:27:49

than ever. And so now my son can grab

1:27:51

it and then pull it out again.

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It has become his favorite toy. Sun,

1:27:57

salt, SPF can all affect your hair health.

1:27:59

And that's why I started taking NutraFol in

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addition to the fact that my son's a

1:28:04

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1:28:06

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1:28:08

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1:28:13

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1:28:15

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1:28:21

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1:28:23

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nutrafol.com promo code good4u. One

1:28:51

time. So I did Oddball once

1:28:53

and Oddball is a stand up. No one you know

1:28:55

what it is. I love that

1:28:57

you do your like you go on podcast as

1:28:59

if you're just talking to the Live Nation Christmas

1:29:02

party. So Oddball was a tour and it's

1:29:04

like you know they have like 10 huge

1:29:06

comments and it was like for like 25,000 seats. We

1:29:09

were doing these like outdoor arenas. Right. But

1:29:12

I did it the last year. So anyway, you

1:29:14

know when you book a flight you they

1:29:16

don't book your flight. You book your flight.

1:29:18

Right. So my manager always books me in

1:29:20

coach. Yeah. Because

1:29:22

it's he she's like sweetie is Texas.

1:29:25

You know maybe he'll be asleep. Right.

1:29:28

Yeah. But I show up at

1:29:30

the airport. They're everyone's there. Right. And

1:29:32

they all have first class. Right. So

1:29:34

they see first. Right. And

1:29:36

it's all my friends like

1:29:38

Segura, Sebastian Manosco, Dane

1:29:41

Cook, everyone right. And

1:29:43

I walk by and they booed me when I

1:29:46

walked by. So I took a

1:29:48

nap on the coach. I woke up and

1:29:50

I had first class pillows. Pied

1:29:53

on me like 12 of them. Like

1:29:57

I could have died. But it's so funny. You

1:34:00

can't hurt me, you can't fire me, because I quit. Yeah,

1:34:02

because the first year I did Opie and

1:34:04

Anthony, this is 20 years

1:34:06

ago, I left, I left. I

1:34:09

left halfway during the interview because

1:34:12

they were fucking ripping me apart.

1:34:15

And when you're a young comic and you're like, oh,

1:34:17

Jim Norton, I was with Jim Norton, Greg Giraldo, Patrice

1:34:19

O'Neil, they're all in the room. Dad, dad, dad. Yeah,

1:34:21

yeah, and they were ripping me apart, and I'm friends

1:34:24

with all, I love all of them. And

1:34:27

I left, I go, oh, I'm never gonna do that again, but the

1:34:29

next year I had to go back because I

1:34:31

had to sell tickets, I wasn't selling tickets. I had to do

1:34:33

Opie and Anthony, but this time I said, you know what, I'm

1:34:35

just gonna see the darkest, most fucked

1:34:37

up shit about myself, I'm gonna make shit up,

1:34:39

I'm gonna lie, I'm gonna do all

1:34:42

this shit, right? And that's where

1:34:44

I learned how to do all that. Before

1:34:46

they could even rip into it, I was molested by a guy

1:34:49

with Down Syndrome, you know what I mean? And just, my dad

1:34:51

used to beat me with golf clubs, and just constant, constant, you

1:34:53

know what I mean? Because, I mean, that's implied, no one without

1:34:55

Down Syndrome would have molested you. No, that

1:34:57

is true. I know. I know. I

1:35:00

know. What do

1:35:02

you mean, a guy with Down Syndrome, because

1:35:04

he's, what do you mean by that? Only someone

1:35:06

with Down Syndrome would find you attractive as a child. I'm

1:35:09

just saying, it's obvious that the person had Down Syndrome. I

1:35:14

mean, how dumb was I? When you lure a kid, you

1:35:16

have to offer them candy or something. This guy went, mm.

1:35:18

This guy went, mm. This guy went, mm. This guy went,

1:35:21

mm. This guy went, mm. He wasn't

1:35:23

turning to last you, he was just trying to pee. You

1:35:25

voluntarily sucked his dick. Help me with my zipper.

1:35:27

You molested him. He was just asking

1:35:29

you for help. We have to cut that out, I don't know.

1:35:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Don't

1:35:35

say aye aye aye. Yeah. Do you feel

1:35:37

like, do

1:35:41

you feel like though, moving forward, as people

1:35:43

that are trying to better

1:35:45

ourselves and still stay funny, you know,

1:35:47

I definitely get scared a lot, where,

1:35:49

I remember my therapist said to me

1:35:52

once, it's lonely at the emotionally sober

1:35:54

top, you know, because a lot of

1:35:56

people, you know, are not

1:35:58

gonna be able to understand boundaries. They're gonna. be whatever

1:36:00

it is. So I think there's a little bit

1:36:02

of me that was like, I don't wanna get

1:36:04

too well, cause number one, I'm not gonna be

1:36:06

able to be friends with all these people that

1:36:08

I like love. And

1:36:10

I don't wanna have to like end friendships. I'm just

1:36:12

gonna stay sick in these areas so that I can,

1:36:15

you know, I'm gonna stay a doormat so I can

1:36:17

not, or I'm so afraid of having a friendship breakup

1:36:19

that I'm just gonna stay sick. Or when I see

1:36:21

this person, I'm just gonna revert to that role, you

1:36:24

know, even though it's toxic or abusive or whatever, so I

1:36:26

don't have to end it. But

1:36:28

number two, if I get too well, what

1:36:31

if I won't be funny anymore? Because so much

1:36:33

of what's funny is going, I'm a piece of shit and

1:36:35

I suck. And I, you know, like, do you

1:36:37

worry about that? But if you rearrange,

1:36:39

cause the podcast, the better we get, the less

1:36:41

funnier we are, I'm just telling you. I

1:36:44

know, but if you rearrange that thing that I

1:36:46

gave you, the circles of intimacy or whatever, yeah.

1:36:51

If I rearrange it. It's not as, it's

1:36:53

not as important, right? When

1:36:56

everything is showbiz in your career, this and that,

1:36:58

right? Then it's like, and

1:37:00

you rearrange it, it doesn't,

1:37:02

it's like, oh, whatever. You

1:37:05

can also- I'm not as funny, whatever.

1:37:07

I'm happier, I'm healthier.

1:37:09

And I'm gonna live longer and- And also, this

1:37:11

isn't all this shit right here.

1:37:15

Isn't that real? It's like, it's all, we know

1:37:17

what we're doing, right? You

1:37:20

and I are different because, you know, you and I can

1:37:22

talk about real things. I'm talking about like when you have

1:37:24

a comic that's not, I don't

1:37:26

know, and it's just jokes, we're making fun of people, this and that. It's

1:37:28

just, it's entertainment, right? But it's

1:37:30

not all of life, right?

1:37:33

All of life, when you go and see like, when

1:37:36

you're hiking and see like a bird land on somebody's

1:37:39

head or whatever, and you go, that's beautiful or whatever.

1:37:41

I don't know what that is. Well, I would livestream

1:37:43

and impose that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, but you

1:37:45

see nature and you go, you know, and you ask,

1:37:48

I'm 50, when you turn 50, you go, you

1:37:51

know, they say, you know, I think Socrates

1:37:53

says a life not self-examined is

1:37:56

a life not worth living. And

1:37:58

I get the idea of himself helping. back

1:38:00

then. Yeah. Right. And so for

1:38:02

me, I've had to do a lot of self examining

1:38:04

and I've just rearranged things and it seems

1:38:07

to be working like I

1:38:09

don't I don't have any auditions right now.

1:38:11

Do you say you saw a bird laying on someone's head?

1:38:14

Or we just need to skip. I wanted to

1:38:16

skip by that because I don't know how birds

1:38:19

behave. And I just made a squirrel. Yeah. It's

1:38:21

going to the squirrel better. I just I

1:38:23

just I feel like to just let that

1:38:25

slide. I wanted to let it go. Once

1:38:27

I said I'm like, that never happened. Okay. Yeah.

1:38:29

Right. But then I you're the last. Did you

1:38:31

see a vulture attack and not just stand by

1:38:33

and not help that person? To

1:38:36

you can let me ask you this then. Nowhere

1:38:38

in history a bird has landed on a fucking

1:38:40

guy's head. I'm sure it

1:38:42

has but you're just trying to I

1:38:44

this is like a this is

1:38:49

a I was telling this story the other day that this

1:38:53

super famous person at SNL once was trying

1:38:55

to I can't I don't

1:38:57

think I can tell you I guess I

1:38:59

can't I heard this rumor that spade that

1:39:02

no that Tom Cruise was at SNL and

1:39:05

he was he's not gonna hire me. Yeah,

1:39:08

I'm too tall. I've just come to terms with that all

1:39:10

the actors that I'm taller than are never gonna hire me

1:39:12

and it's fine. And that's the only reason Tom Cruise won't

1:39:14

hire me. Since my height. That's what

1:39:16

I'll tell myself. And he was trying to just

1:39:18

like, attune to the writers and

1:39:20

like hang out with them and like just be one

1:39:23

of them. And he was just doing small

1:39:25

talk and they were like, what's it like to be Tom Cruise? And

1:39:27

he just went, you know, I wish

1:39:29

I just had regular problems like everybody else. Like he

1:39:32

was married to Katie Holmes at the time. And he's

1:39:34

like, I wish that Katie would come home someday and

1:39:36

just be like, ah, I don't know what to do

1:39:38

for dinner. They ran out of ravioli at the ravioli

1:39:40

store. So

1:39:44

like, he thinks there's a ravioli

1:39:47

store. That's how far

1:39:49

gone. Yeah, he is fascinating

1:39:51

to me because I'm like, maybe the places

1:39:53

he does go out, which are like, like

1:39:56

fancy towns in Italy, they might have a

1:39:58

ravioli store. Yeah. That might be

1:40:01

his truth. Or the other way to look

1:40:03

at that is that everyone that works for

1:40:05

him in order to stay employed have gaslit

1:40:08

him into believing there's a store for every

1:40:10

food. So that if he knew

1:40:12

there was Whole Foods, he'd

1:40:16

have way less people on staff. So

1:40:18

they're like, we have to go to the ravioli store, we have to go to

1:40:20

the eggplant store, then we have to head

1:40:22

down to the candle store. It's just been crazy,

1:40:24

I'm gonna have to do overtime. So

1:40:27

the fact that you think birds just land on people's

1:40:29

heads, I'm just like, has he

1:40:31

ever been on a hike? Has he ever seen a bird

1:40:33

in the wild? Maybe you've been in the movie

1:40:35

business too. Were you at animal practice? Don't

1:40:39

make fun of, don't fucking career shame me. Like

1:40:42

as the monkey. When someone's been on a

1:40:44

TV show where

1:40:47

they were trained animals, they have no idea how

1:40:49

real animals behave. So

1:40:51

I did the pilot, the Russo brothers directed,

1:40:54

the animal practice, it was on NBC, and it was about

1:40:56

a vet plan. I played a veterinarian.

1:41:00

The Russo brothers are show-roading, and they did all the

1:41:02

Avenger movies on that stuff. And

1:41:05

they go, we're gonna put a bow constructor. So we're

1:41:07

just gonna do a pan of what people are doing

1:41:09

in their life. So they

1:41:11

pan by me, and a bow constructor is strangling,

1:41:13

which is very funny, right? Very funny, right? But

1:41:17

what they didn't realize- So you're jerking off.

1:41:19

What they didn't realize is that sometimes, every

1:41:21

once in a while, a bow constructor, even

1:41:24

the show business ones, they

1:41:26

will exude a poison through their

1:41:28

skin, right? So

1:41:30

the fucking bone constructors are on my neck.

1:41:33

The camera's going by, and they go,

1:41:35

God! And there was these

1:41:37

fucking boils on

1:41:40

my head. And I started shaking. It

1:41:43

was an emergency. They took the fucking bow, and I fell

1:41:45

on the ground, right? And that's what that

1:41:47

mark is on your- And that's

1:41:49

what this is, fuck you. No, no.

1:41:53

And then I went to the hospital. I

1:41:55

had an allergic reaction to it. Anyway, I don't know why you

1:41:57

said that. I love going for it. Hollywood is so fucked up.

1:44:00

and a coyote and otter, but like all these just

1:44:02

like little things that

1:44:05

are really cute. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah,

1:44:07

yeah. Yeah, you know, and then there's the guy that lives with

1:44:09

the hyenas. Like on YouTube you can find, you know, and

1:44:12

so I'm looking at this girl, she's got a bow

1:44:14

constrictor that she's raised as a pet and they fully

1:44:16

are like buddies. Like she's got the

1:44:18

snake and they go to the grocery store together and

1:44:20

they sleep together and the snake really seems to like

1:44:23

know her and she feeds it like rat eggs or

1:44:25

whatever the fuck. And I'm like, oh, you know how

1:44:28

you can, you can anthropomorphize anything. I'm

1:44:30

like, this snake like loves this woman. I'm like, am

1:44:33

I projecting or is this real? And as we

1:44:35

were talking about before with you and the cows

1:44:37

and the pigs, you just discovered at 50 that pigs

1:44:39

and cows like people that

1:44:41

feed them. It was very sweet

1:44:43

to watch. And you're

1:44:45

like, cows will come up to you if they know

1:44:47

you. Because when you're a meat

1:44:50

eater your whole life, you're in complete the night. You don't

1:44:52

even look at it. That's right, you have to be. You

1:44:54

have to be. You have to be. So there are

1:44:56

the ability, if you raise something from birth to have a

1:44:58

real connection with it. I'm like, oh my God, this girl

1:45:00

has this connection with this boa constrictor, but then it gets

1:45:03

sick and it's not eating. And that's the first thing. If

1:45:05

a dog doesn't eat it sick, something's wrong with it. She

1:45:07

takes it to the exotic

1:45:09

animal vet and the exotic animal vet

1:45:11

goes, your boa constrictor

1:45:13

is fine. What it's doing is saving up space

1:45:15

in its stomach to eat you. So

1:45:18

what happens is boa constrictors will

1:45:20

starve themselves to stretch their stomachs

1:45:22

big enough to fit their prey.

1:45:25

So it's been sleeping with you every night and it's

1:45:27

starving itself so that it can swallow you whole. She's

1:45:35

like, my snake's not eating. It

1:45:38

must be sick. I'm like, no. That's

1:45:40

fucking insane. Wild. That is fucking wild.

1:45:42

Isn't that crazy? I wanna blow people's

1:45:45

mind too. The monkey on animal

1:45:47

practice got $16,000 an episode. Wait,

1:45:50

is that the monkey that got extra takes

1:45:52

over June Diane? Yes, yeah, so June Diane

1:45:54

Rayfield was on the podcast talking about how

1:45:56

she was like, the

1:45:59

actors would get like, take and then the

1:46:01

ostrich would get like 15 takes crystal the

1:46:03

monkey ran that set yeah yeah crystal all

1:46:05

mine right yeah it was not

1:46:07

even on crystal the monkey who was in

1:46:09

the hangover she's a famous crystal wasn't even

1:46:12

it was my coverage right

1:46:14

and I'm like it's a big chunk of line

1:46:17

so I'm like oh my god I don't know how I'm

1:46:19

gonna get through this monologue right and

1:46:21

I'm almost at the end they

1:46:23

go cut I go what's the

1:46:26

matter they go crystals playing with

1:46:28

itself and Christmas like maybe

1:46:31

you turned on I wrote

1:46:33

something down because I don't forget let's just

1:46:35

forget let's just let's move on this whole

1:46:37

thing happen yeah no let's just anything

1:46:39

that was outstanding I'm actually trying to make

1:46:41

a coherent podcast believe it or not you

1:46:44

didn't finish the third circle of your intimacy

1:46:48

anus so the

1:46:50

other circles of intimacy okay so um your

1:46:53

family goes in here you know your girlfriend your wife

1:46:56

goes here okay but okay so for people just

1:46:59

listening the middle circle you're saying family

1:47:01

however family live what I don't know

1:47:03

I'm just saying your people are go

1:47:05

for runs they do laundry while they're

1:47:07

listening to podcast and you're just referring

1:47:09

to something no one knows what you're

1:47:11

referring to imagine if you're listening to this and

1:47:13

someone just said family goes here goes

1:47:16

where yeah but you two minutes ago you we

1:47:18

talked about the circles of in it you're pointing to

1:47:20

something people can't see so I have the

1:47:22

circles okay only so I had the fucking

1:47:24

circles of intimacy right and you asked me

1:47:26

what in the middle one so in the

1:47:28

middle one should be God and yourself which

1:47:31

spirituality okay the second one your wife or

1:47:33

you know I mean you're significant other right

1:47:35

yes your third one family and whatnot and

1:47:37

family if they're not toxic and horrible right

1:47:39

okay and sometimes people

1:47:42

have their careers in there but for me career

1:47:44

is fourth now okay right and

1:47:47

so um it seems to is

1:47:49

that a choice that was made by casting directors are you they

1:47:55

put me eighth I'm

1:48:00

totally my choice. Yeah,

1:48:02

yeah, yeah. Which

1:48:05

is so is weird to me, Bobby, because

1:48:07

you are like the hottest you've ever been

1:48:09

career-wise. Is it because not

1:48:11

only this all happened, but now that you

1:48:14

are working a lot and nonstop,

1:48:17

now you're like, okay, I got what I needed, I

1:48:19

feel validated? No. Okay. What

1:48:22

I realized is that it wasn't fixing me. Yeah,

1:48:24

it doesn't work. It was making me crazier. It

1:48:27

also didn't feel, I mean, there

1:48:29

were some projects I did because it's

1:48:31

going to be good optically for me.

1:48:33

Yeah. And it was a fine experience,

1:48:36

but it just didn't do anything. It would break my heart,

1:48:38

though, actually, like when I would see you and you would

1:48:40

be in something, like a huge movie,

1:48:42

like an Adam Sandler movie, like, dude, I just signed

1:48:44

that Adam Sandler movie. Like, shut up, just don't fuck

1:48:46

you. Like, I know what it's like

1:48:48

to be a part of something and then be embarrassed

1:48:50

because then you're like, oh, no, everyone's just going to

1:48:53

see how how bad

1:48:55

I looked or how not I wasn't the star

1:48:57

of that thing. It's almost like

1:49:00

a lot of people see something that you're not

1:49:02

proud of. It's almost worse than never having booked

1:49:04

it at all or gotten the job at all.

1:49:06

Oh, yeah, I've been in a couple of projects

1:49:08

that were embarrassing to me. Or you signed up

1:49:10

for a really big part and it got cut

1:49:12

down and you're just like, like, this is like,

1:49:15

or you get completely cut out of a movie.

1:49:17

That's the worst. You know what I mean? I

1:49:19

took my dad before

1:49:22

he died to a movie premiere of a movie that

1:49:24

I was like had like eight scenes in and I

1:49:26

literally was like, can I take your order? Like, it

1:49:28

was like I had like one line. Oh, my God.

1:49:31

It was so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. And

1:49:33

I was like talking to the publicist being like, can I get five

1:49:35

tickets? Like, I was like, I was like fighting to get they had

1:49:37

seen the final cut and fully knew I'd been cut out of the

1:49:39

entire thing. No one told me. No one tells you ahead of time.

1:49:42

Don't fly in your friends and family to see

1:49:44

this. That happened to me four months, five months

1:49:46

ago. I literally just

1:49:48

went after Tom Cruise. I feel

1:49:50

like I feel like all bets are off. So

1:49:53

four years ago, three years ago, I get a call from this director.

1:50:00

And he's like, hey, man, I'm

1:50:02

doing this gigantic Sony animation movie.

1:50:04

It's on all Asian cast I

1:50:07

want you Jackie Chan, John Choo just threw it right,

1:50:09

but you would be one of the main guys this

1:50:11

and that and I go Let

1:50:13

me read it. I read it. It's an animation. I don't know

1:50:15

much about animation movie. So I just did it and I

1:50:19

worked on it for years. You know how you just

1:50:21

movie sometimes you an animation But you just keep going

1:50:23

in takes for a year later. They're like come in

1:50:25

for do another session So

1:50:28

I worked on it and then I saw oh Now

1:50:32

So they I was

1:50:34

you know, you're watching YouTube and

1:50:37

they do an ad of a movie So it's

1:50:39

coming out. It wasn't one of those ads you

1:50:41

could skip but I watched it and

1:50:43

at the end of it It goes starring Jimmy.

1:50:45

Oh, yeah, it just eight names Right.

1:50:48

I'm not in it But then and then you look

1:50:50

at the title end sequence and you know Directed

1:50:53

by all the yeah, and I read there was like

1:50:55

15 names in there. My name wasn't on there, right?

1:50:57

Yeah, so I call my guy my agent I go.

1:50:59

Oh Next time just

1:51:01

tell me when I'm cut out of something, huh? They're like

1:51:04

you're not cut out of it They

1:51:06

confused you with no I Go

1:51:19

well, I'm not and they go we

1:51:21

don't know why and This

1:51:26

is the first time I made phone

1:51:29

calls to everyone

1:51:33

Because normally I would let it go. Mm-hmm

1:51:35

and not fight for myself disrespectful and disrespect.

1:51:37

Tell me I'm an adult and And

1:51:40

I called the net

1:51:42

the Netflix Sony made

1:51:44

it I called Sony and

1:51:46

they were just oh, whoa. Whoa. We were high. Yeah,

1:51:49

you know me they just didn't know and they They

1:51:52

apologized profusely this not but I

1:51:54

had to express My

1:51:57

resent not my resentment just confusion and just

1:51:59

clear the sun Or just of like, my

1:52:01

thing is more like, we're adults. You know

1:52:03

what I'm saying? Like it's sort of like

1:52:05

people treat us like we're these children that

1:52:07

can't be told anything. I remember I did,

1:52:10

animation is so weird. The first animation thing

1:52:12

I got was for planes. Remember

1:52:14

planes? Great movie. But

1:52:17

I was a plane

1:52:19

that was like the sexy plane. And

1:52:22

I went

1:52:24

the tape. Not the bitchy plane. I'm not the bitch

1:52:26

with, but I'm not for some reason. And

1:52:28

I go to the table read and I'm

1:52:30

like, it's like TJ Miller. It's all the

1:52:33

people that get every single job. Do you know

1:52:35

what I mean? And I'm like the sexy plane. I'm

1:52:37

like very, and she's very like, she's

1:52:39

like, I don't know how to act like a sexy

1:52:42

plane. And so I'm

1:52:44

just kind of doing my, I'm just like, I'm just

1:52:46

gonna do me. I'm just like, hey, what are you

1:52:48

guys doing? Cause in my head, like sexy doesn't have

1:52:50

to be like this. Like it

1:52:52

just was like, I was like, this is for

1:52:54

children. It's shaped like a dick. Did you get

1:52:56

fired? Not only did I get fired,

1:53:01

not only did I get fired, but the note

1:53:03

was like, well, she wasn't sexy enough. She wasn't

1:53:05

doing a sexy enough voice. And it was a,

1:53:07

it was like a black jet. And I was

1:53:09

like, this isn't the shape of a black flying

1:53:11

dick. And I have to be like,

1:53:13

hey big boy, isn't this for the children? And

1:53:16

I remember just being like, I am do not know

1:53:18

how to do animation. But you know what?

1:53:20

This is another thing I used to

1:53:22

do is until one time it was a disaster. So

1:53:25

it's to ask before. Yeah.

1:53:28

You know what I mean? Like one time I was at a table read

1:53:30

and I said shit take. It

1:53:33

just, it was written in the shit take, right?

1:53:35

And afterwards like, that's shit talky dude. And

1:53:39

I go, and I knew because written weird.

1:53:42

Yes. Right. And I

1:53:44

should have asked. Yes. Can I tell

1:53:46

you? So this has really happened and this is where I

1:53:48

asked. And if I didn't ask, I would have been fucked.

1:53:51

All right. So I'm

1:53:53

in a movie called Borderlands coming

1:53:55

out. Okay. It was

1:53:57

like, obviously the table was in Zoom. Right

1:54:00

sure everyone's around the world and

1:54:03

so my I had to be there like six in

1:54:05

the morning Saturday morning because It

1:54:07

was at certain time in Hungary certain time and

1:54:09

other Europeans, you know, right So I had to

1:54:11

get up early to do it and

1:54:13

but before a week before The

1:54:16

director Eli Roth who's one of the greatest right, you

1:54:18

know Eli I love Eli and I can't wait to

1:54:20

see you again Eli. I love you one of the

1:54:23

best directors. I've ever worked so nice He's a genius.

1:54:25

He's a genius So but a

1:54:27

week before he's a sitting go listen, we don't we haven't

1:54:29

cast the whole thing So you

1:54:31

have to read all these other parts So

1:54:34

he's like you have to play the villain the main villain. We

1:54:36

have a cast that out, you know me and he gave me

1:54:39

Probably 20 parts. So I spent all

1:54:41

week Literally memorizing cuz

1:54:43

I didn't want to fuck up because I've never

1:54:45

been in a table read with Jack Black and

1:54:48

fucking Cape Blanchett Right, right, right. So I'm writing

1:54:50

all of it down. Oh, that's right.

1:54:52

You're in that giant movie Yeah, so five

1:54:54

minutes before we do this gigantic

1:54:56

title table read There's

1:54:59

so many boxes of actors. I don't

1:55:01

know. Yeah, and I just had this

1:55:03

gut feeling And I

1:55:05

called the assistant I go. Are you sure I'm reading all these

1:55:07

parts you guys? Oh, no, you're just reading your part now But

1:55:10

if I hadn't done that I

1:55:12

would have talked over Kate Blanchett.

1:55:15

Haha I would have talked

1:55:17

over other actors and then they would have

1:55:19

to stop and go what the fuck are you doing? Well,

1:55:22

then your assistant said that you have to read

1:55:24

all you mean but you it's

1:55:26

always important to go I'm

1:55:28

Asian. It's our time I'm

1:55:38

a crazy rich Asian. I do whatever the fuck.

1:55:40

Yeah. Yeah. I mean I didn't get audition for

1:55:42

that This is why could not get an audition

1:55:44

for that Couldn't get audition for

1:55:46

hangover couldn't get an audition for any age. They

1:55:48

just did a book on it. They just did

1:55:50

a fuck They just did

1:55:53

a fucking book on Asians in pop

1:55:55

culture. Sure not a But

1:55:58

that's that's also not Like they'll do like

1:56:01

a documentary on like women in comedy and it'll

1:56:03

come out and I'm like, okay

1:56:06

You're like cool It's

1:56:09

like I'm not even gonna spend time taking this personally

1:56:11

because I probably wouldn't have wanted to do it anyway Like it's just

1:56:13

the kind of thing where you're like do you want to be right? But

1:56:16

you should owe my point is is that

1:56:18

I'd rather just being a documentary about comedians you would

1:56:20

rather just be you should Have got a planes. You

1:56:22

should gone to the table read went to the writer

1:56:25

or what the producer's raw No,

1:56:27

I just go listen, I was gonna play it like this

1:56:29

But what do you how do you guys think I should

1:56:31

play it? Yeah, but I'm given the fact that

1:56:33

this is a children's movie and it's weird to

1:56:35

make a plain Sexy.

1:56:37

Mmm. Why don't I just be

1:56:40

funny instead? You fucking weird. Okay,

1:56:42

but instead of making a grand a choice like

1:56:44

that All

1:56:47

right Daniel D Lewis I

1:56:50

guess the thing is about me that that I

1:56:52

I do trust me I I Am

1:56:56

at the risk of seeming like a psycho a

1:56:58

diva. I will ask 50 times

1:57:00

I'm just confirming double confirming triple confirming I just want

1:57:02

to make sure I get this right and then as

1:57:05

a woman though You only have a couple

1:57:07

you get asked like three or four questions

1:57:09

before you're difficult or you're annoying or you're

1:57:11

a hassle So

1:57:14

I always feel like I have to

1:57:16

be like, is there anything I need to know?

1:57:19

Please like please tell me if I'm doing something

1:57:21

wrong You know, I can do

1:57:24

this and if I do it wrong, it's your fault. Yeah

1:57:27

It's your fault. You haven't been clear Okay

1:57:29

But I think a lot of people are afraid to tell

1:57:32

people how to do something because they don't want to get

1:57:34

accused of like Rape anymore. So no one will tell me

1:57:36

what's happening. I go in a movie and

1:57:38

no one will even talk to me They're

1:57:40

so afraid that like I'm gonna call Ronan

1:57:42

Farah I'm like can someone tell me what to

1:57:44

do and you just do whatever you want Whatever makes

1:57:46

you comfortable. We want to make a safe space I'm

1:57:49

like, well can tell someone tell you where to stand

1:57:51

and they're like wherever you want to stand I'm like

1:57:53

say you guys can't be so afraid to direct actors

1:57:55

that I've no clue what's happening But people

1:57:57

but here's the thing just don't rape

1:58:00

Me but I know but when you're

1:58:02

acting right well people sometimes don't realize

1:58:04

is you're a comedian as well Yeah,

1:58:06

right. And so this acts to

1:58:08

have I wasn't hungry and I

1:58:10

don't want to drop names Can I drop a

1:58:12

name? You already said Cate Blanchett. Alright, Jamie Lee

1:58:14

Curtis She

1:58:18

goes Hey This

1:58:21

is literally okay. I fly

1:58:24

to hungry. I'm scared shitless

1:58:26

like I'm like don't fuck this opportunity

1:58:28

up I knew my lines way

1:58:30

before you know, I mean, I'm like don't fuck it

1:58:32

up So I go to the hotel thing to replace

1:58:34

you with everyone from Crazy Rich James They're

1:58:38

working on this equal So

1:58:44

so I go to my hotel room and there's

1:58:46

a letter on my

1:58:48

bed sure with Jamie Lee Curtis

1:58:50

on top of this Letterheading she's

1:58:53

like, hey, I don't know you but Welcome

1:58:55

to the movie. She's the best and she goes tomorrow.

1:58:57

Let's have lunch. I Go

1:59:01

fuck yeah, right. I meet her for

1:59:03

lunch, but there's other actors a talented actor by the

1:59:05

name of Cheyenne Jackson Mm-hmm.

1:59:07

Love amazing singer to singer

1:59:10

dancer. He hot. He's

1:59:12

everything right? So it's me Cheyenne and

1:59:15

pen from Penn and Teller I

1:59:18

think you say badly but okay. Yeah. Yeah, so, um She

1:59:21

we have lunch and then she goes you got I want to take

1:59:23

it to the river And so along this

1:59:25

river in Hungary are all these

1:59:27

bronze shoes Right

1:59:29

and that was back in 1945 or whatever when? Germany

1:59:33

went in there and they just shot a bunch of Hungarian

1:59:36

Jews and threw them in the river, right?

1:59:39

And it's a solemn place You

1:59:41

don't tell jokes. Sure me

1:59:44

do So

1:59:48

they're like you guys got third place I'm

1:59:53

see if you were with me, I would have been safe,

1:59:55

right? So I don't say anything

1:59:57

and then Cheyenne Jackson goes Oh