0:01

I'm Dr. Becky and this is

0:03

Good Inside. And

0:06

this is the episode we've

0:08

all been waiting for. There

0:11

is one word that I truly feel

0:13

is like a dirty word in parenting.

0:16

And I'm going to say it. Entitled.

0:19

Entitled. Entitled. How

0:22

many times have I heard the same thing from

0:24

parents, I don't want to raise an entitled kid?

0:27

How do I not raise an entitled kid? Please

0:29

tell me what to do so I don't raise

0:31

an entitled kid. Anything but

0:34

entitled. And

0:36

related to the word entitled is another

0:38

question we say all the time to

0:41

our friends or to ourselves. How

0:44

do I make sure my kid isn't

0:46

an asshole? Stay

0:49

tuned. My producer, Jesse

0:51

and I, are about to get

0:53

into how to not raise an

0:55

asshole. You don't want to miss it. As

1:04

a parent, have you ever thought to yourself, I

1:07

wish I could press pause right now

1:09

and remember this exact moment. I

1:12

know I have. And yet, as

1:14

a busy parent, I can never find the

1:16

time to sit down and put all of

1:18

those memories into a book. Well,

1:20

thanks to keepsake, capturing moments

1:22

is as easy as answering a

1:24

text. You heard that right. Just

1:27

a daily text from keepsake is all

1:29

it takes to start saving photos, stories,

1:31

and memories of my family. It's really

1:33

that easy. It's also a simple

1:36

way to connect and bond with my kids, especially

1:38

my DFK who loves to help me

1:41

respond to the text-based journal prompts. And

1:43

the best part, keepsake then transforms

1:46

all of your captured memories into

1:48

a beautiful book. Whether

1:50

you have a toddler or a school-aged

1:53

child, every cutely mispronounced

1:55

word, first day of

1:57

school picture, soccer tournament win, and

1:59

family memory is priceless and

2:02

it's never too late to start. Visit

2:05

keepsake.com. That's q-e-e-p-s-a-k-e.com and

2:10

try it free for a week. Plus

2:12

you can use 20% off your annual

2:14

or any gift subscription when you use code

2:16

Dr. Becky. D-R-B-E-C-K-Y

2:19

at keepsake.com. That's q-e-e-p-s-a-k-e.com

2:25

to start preserving your family's memories

2:27

today. Becky,

2:33

reading through the emails that come in and

2:36

looking at conversations in the community and conversations

2:39

that happen in my own life all the

2:41

time, one

2:43

of the biggest worries that I think

2:45

we all share is like, how do

2:47

I not raise an asshole? Do

2:52

you want me to answer that? Okay. Like three steps,

2:54

five steps. Yeah, you got a couple tips for me?

2:56

Yeah, a couple tips. Well,

2:59

actually, I think I paused probably my

3:01

response because first of all, I

3:03

think you're right. I think under so many of

3:05

our concerns as parents

3:07

is probably that bigger concern when we're

3:09

like, why is my kid so rude or why

3:11

is my kid unable to do things for

3:13

themselves or my kid has no patience? And

3:16

those things are each individually. Sure,

3:18

they're problematic, but probably the reason it gets

3:21

under our skin as a parent comes back

3:23

to that worry, like, am I raising an

3:25

asshole? How do I make sure I'm not

3:27

raising an asshole? Okay, where do we go from

3:29

here? I mean, I do think there's concrete

3:31

things we can do. But like

3:34

any other topic, that's really important.

3:36

I think if we jump straight to a strategy, we actually

3:39

miss that strategy, even having a chance of

3:42

being effective, because I think we have to

3:44

start with like, what's actually the issue here?

3:46

What are we really talking about? Let's actually

3:48

understand the issue. So can

3:50

I frame it a tiny bit more? Yeah, do that.

3:52

When I sat down to think about this so

3:55

much, what was coming up for me was

3:57

this like balance between privilege.

4:00

Image and Gratitude And what

4:02

is the relationship between those

4:05

two? Things when you're trying to teach them

4:07

to your children. I don't

4:09

know what the balances and how do you think

4:11

about gratitude and entitlement in the in the same.

4:14

And privilege and yeah, so it at that.

4:16

That's a great framing so I have these

4:18

conversations all the time to with parents in

4:20

up the community with. My husband

4:22

to and I think there's a seem

4:24

to these conversations. some if this resonates

4:27

were psych psych. My kids have a

4:29

lace that. In certain

4:31

miserable ways. It's like better.

4:34

And I feel. A place

4:36

like I've worked hard. We live in a

4:38

town that so different from the town in

4:40

our i grew up an are. We

4:43

going to case and I never went on

4:45

vacation in our recently as hearing from

4:47

a friend you know sick of the sports

4:49

after school these innocent either since you're in

4:51

there I never had one codes or unless

4:54

and even though I always wanted that. And.

4:57

So I think this is a

4:59

really nuanced question because in some

5:01

ways we're talking about privilege, entitlement,

5:03

and gratitude, and in some ways

5:05

are talking wasn't very different, which

5:07

is the life we had. The.

5:09

Things we wanted, To. Things are giving

5:11

to our kids. And. Then kind of

5:13

the expectations we have of them to respond

5:16

in a certain way to us maybe not

5:18

even gratitude generally but part of and ethics

5:20

as you for me to like we need

5:22

them to to understand are sacrificing almost be

5:24

grateful for thank you for doing the this

5:27

amazing lights and the you notice. The.

5:29

Louder thing that comes to mind for

5:31

me and my brain right now is

5:33

something I remember saying to a family

5:35

a while ago my private practice and

5:38

it was parents who grew up with

5:40

very little economically really bill and honestly

5:42

very little emotionally to and they created

5:44

Slice where they would even say we

5:46

are giving our kids a lot emotionally

5:49

psychologically, financially. And

5:51

princess, basically, what's wrong with

5:53

us And what's wrong? With. Them

5:56

and in. Here's how we started

5:58

a conversation. I said. You

6:00

know, you can't raise your kids in a candy store and expect

6:03

your kids to appreciate candy. And

6:08

it led us to talk about so

6:10

many important themes. These were two adults

6:13

who would have appreciated candy any instant they were

6:15

given it. They were never given candy in their

6:17

lives. Right? They were

6:19

never taken to that place with connection

6:21

for deliciousness, with treats, with

6:24

specialness. And so when

6:27

we live in a world where we

6:29

don't have a lot of quote, candy, the

6:32

absence of that, the scarcity of that

6:35

inherently leads to an

6:37

appreciation of candy in

6:40

the very, very, you know, few moments

6:42

we have it. And

6:45

when we raise kids in a candy store, and

6:47

I really mean this, it's not a judgment. It's

6:51

really not. I'll speak about myself. I mean, to

6:53

some degree, yeah, my kids live in a candy store. They have

6:55

a lot all around them. But

6:58

to expect them to be surrounded by

7:00

candy and

7:03

appreciate candy the way

7:05

someone would who was never given

7:08

candy, I think

7:10

is a really unrealistic expectation.

7:14

I already hear the next concern.

7:16

Oh, so my kids are

7:18

just going to be assholes. Like

7:21

that's totally not the conclusion. But

7:24

I think we have to set that baseline

7:26

first, because I think it really does widen

7:28

our perspective from my kids are

7:30

assholes, they don't appreciate anything to Oh, my kids

7:32

have a lot around them. And

7:34

so actually, inherently, it is

7:37

harder to cultivate gratitude when

7:41

you live in a world where so much is

7:43

given to you when there's not a scarcity of

7:46

maybe anything. Well,

7:48

it also becomes a kind of value

7:51

question too, which happens to me all the

7:53

time. And it's also like, you

7:55

know, my third grader comes home

7:57

and wants a pair of Nike tennis shoes that

7:59

are are $125, well, she'll grow out of those tennis shoes in

8:04

four months, and I'm not the type of person who wants to

8:07

spend $125 on her Nike tennis shoes, but

8:09

half the girls in her class are wearing these, and

8:12

she wants them. And so, at what

8:14

point does telling her, well, these tennis

8:16

shoes are $125? Like,

8:18

she's eight. I don't, she

8:21

doesn't really understand the value of $125,

8:23

which just never made any money. But

8:26

it's still, like, it comes up in me to say,

8:29

we don't spend that much money on X. Yeah,

8:33

so when you're living in an area

8:36

where maybe you're thinking along with a candy metaphor,

8:38

okay, maybe my kids are growing up in a

8:40

candy store, but these kids are growing up in,

8:42

like, the candy stores, like, king-size candy all the

8:44

time. So now, it's like my kid doesn't

8:46

even appreciate their fun-size candy, right, because everyone

8:49

around them has more. I think

8:51

if we take away the ickiness

8:53

of those moments, because there is ickiness

8:55

as a parent, you hear a kid say, what?

8:58

You got me these shoes and not the Nikes?

9:00

Like, you're the worst mom ever. There's just such

9:02

ickiness. Like, you're like, I really hope no one

9:04

heard that. It's really, like, it just feels so

9:06

bad. But if you take away the ickiness,

9:08

or at least just put it to the side, what

9:10

I think we can really break this down to, and your

9:12

Nike shoes example is a perfect one, is what

9:15

is it like for an eight-year-old to be

9:17

surrounded by people who have things, who are

9:19

excited about things, who are connected with each

9:21

other about those things, and

9:24

be the kid who doesn't have those things? And

9:27

yes, there's materialism and consumerism here,

9:30

but I also think we can take that out of it too. What's it

9:32

like to be the kid who's left out? What's it

9:34

like to be the kid who's not invited to

9:37

the lunch table, right? Or who doesn't, you know,

9:39

feel like they can sit at the lunch table?

9:41

And I think that really takes the shame away

9:43

from it. And it also really shifts our intervention,

9:45

because I think you're right. In that moment, we

9:48

really go into lecture mode, and I do too. We're

9:50

like, okay, let's break down that $120. Like,

9:53

do you know about taxes? Do You know about how hard I

9:55

work? And Like, here's how many hours I work in the day,

9:57

and here's what I commute. And By the way, here's how much

9:59

your soccer practice. Art and not you. Okay, we

10:01

have this equation and I don't know what we

10:03

think that's going to deal with. like inside a

10:05

kid's body story of a like odd that up

10:08

and then they like somehow understand. oh these shoes

10:10

really aren't weren't there and I should just appreciate

10:12

that I get for the soccer a guy just

10:14

doesn't happen. doesn't even really make sense to bring

10:16

about. I think the

10:18

intervention that's actually. Really important. And

10:21

is actually than very generalizable. The other

10:24

situations is. Not. Just

10:26

is it my value to

10:28

not by Macys. It's

10:31

also bigger question I'm just coming up the thought of them. Saying.

10:33

It's like. Do I have

10:35

the value that my kids can see things

10:37

they want? In.

10:39

Learn to tolerate not having them. And

10:43

I think that way of thinking is actually very empowering

10:45

to parents to they have a lot apparent suicide Me.

10:48

I don't wanna buy my kids and like

10:50

I said, let's. Be honest, it's a it's

10:52

not going to break the bank, it's not.

10:55

There's something about it though that doesn't feel

10:57

right to me and I think what they're

10:59

saying is the intervention with my kid. Isn't

11:02

the explanation of the cost? And how

11:04

hard I work. The explanation

11:06

actually to myself first as I have

11:08

three distinct especially in a world of

11:10

privilege. It is extra important.

11:14

For my kid to see

11:16

things they want. And

11:19

not trust and. Maybe.

11:22

Part of that sounds like sets

11:24

likely are we just artificially. Side

11:27

with holding things but.

11:30

His. Finances are no concern.

11:33

Which. For some families, they might not be. Fine.

11:35

On certain situations or not. But.

11:38

What is a concern? Is your first question? How do

11:41

I Not raise an asshole? I

11:43

really think the big component of not

11:45

raising an asshole. Is. Building

11:47

up your own muscle or building

11:49

up a tolerance. For one

11:51

thing in not having. Period.

11:54

I think there's one thing and not having. There's.

11:57

Doing things that are boring, And.

12:00

like doing things you don't want to do. And

12:03

in a way, privilege

12:05

and financial privilege can

12:08

actually remove all three from

12:10

a kid's experience. I want something, I get

12:12

it because I guess my family can afford it. This

12:15

is boring. Okay, we'll have, we'll pay someone

12:17

to fold your laundry or I have

12:19

to go in an errand, you know, you're gonna come with

12:22

me. Oh, wait, we do have, let's say a babysitter at

12:24

home, I can just drop you off and then I'll do

12:26

this target errand by myself because it's not something

12:28

you want to do. And it's

12:30

actually so like sneaky, right?

12:33

And I think about so many families I worked

12:35

with in my private practice who

12:37

honestly were like the loveliest,

12:40

most well-intentioned, most hard working humans.

12:42

I like them. They weren't

12:44

this like image of like snobbery of

12:46

like my kids should just, you know,

12:49

live off a silver platter at all.

12:51

And yet I saw just how easy

12:53

it was through financial

12:56

privilege for

12:58

their kids to never be

13:00

frustrated, never wait, never

13:02

have to do boring stuff and never have

13:04

to go along in some ways

13:06

with someone else's activity. And

13:09

if you have the

13:11

finances to make that happen, I'm

13:14

a pragmatist, you do

13:16

have to be insanely

13:19

mindful about moments

13:21

where you actually just make sure

13:23

you don't remove those like basic

13:25

life experiences. So, you know,

13:27

I use this, I use a small example from

13:29

my own life where we have three kids, there's

13:31

two parents, never, it never adds

13:33

up now that my kids are all old enough to be in

13:35

activities. And I think it's really

13:38

important that my oldest, especially because he's

13:40

the one where like we've kind

13:42

of built our life around his activities even more.

13:44

There's moments where like you're coming to your sister's

13:46

basketball game. And he's like, I'm old enough, I

13:48

can just like walk to my friend's house. They're like, essentially, even

13:50

though he's not saying this, he's like, I can just

13:53

do something that's more exciting for me. I can do

13:55

something that's more built for my own life. Right.

13:57

And the moments we say to

13:59

him, I'm not saying we just all the time. It doesn't have

14:01

to be 100% of the time, but the moments we say

14:04

to him, you totally could do that. And

14:08

you're gonna come with us to her game. And

14:11

there have been times and moments like this, and

14:13

I'll never forget this, when he was a lot

14:15

younger. Why do I

14:17

have to unload the dishwasher? Can't you do that or

14:19

can't someone do this? But he said to me, and it's

14:21

like an ache moment. It's like, I can't even believe

14:23

I'm sharing this out loud. It's like, oh, what did I do wrong? I'm

14:26

a horrible parent. And I remember

14:28

what I said to him. I just said, no

14:30

one really likes not doing the dishwasher. I

14:32

just want to be small. I just said,

14:34

I don't have anything more sophisticated, so I

14:37

just said, to be a good person in

14:39

life, you just have to do things that

14:41

you don't wanna do. And

14:43

so the reason you're gonna unload the dishwasher

14:45

with me is because

14:48

I wanna make sure you do grow in

14:50

to like a relatively decent human. And I

14:52

wanna make sure you do have certain numbers

14:54

of experiences where you're just doing stuff that's

14:56

boring and unenjoyable. That's the best

14:58

I got. And it was actually really interesting. I

15:00

think it satisfied his question because I didn't make

15:03

up some story. Again, I was like, well, let

15:05

me tell you about my childhood where I unloaded

15:07

the dishwasher. Let me explain to you that most

15:09

people your age in

15:11

families, they are making the dishwasher every time

15:13

because they don't have people who sometimes, all

15:16

of a sudden it's just shame, it's blame, and

15:18

he's like, I guess I'm a horrible person and

15:20

I feel very disconnected to my mom and any

15:22

motivation I'd have has totally gone out the window.

15:25

And it was just, that's the reason why. Why

15:28

are you going with me to Target?

15:30

Even though you're right. Even sometimes it

15:32

isn't bad at the house. Isn't the

15:34

house on the way? Yes, I

15:37

could. And sometimes it's just important

15:39

to get your body accustomed to

15:41

doing errands with other people, because that will

15:43

prepare you for all the times in adulthood

15:46

when you're just gonna have to do shit

15:48

you don't want to do. So we're gonna

15:50

put an experience in that bucket and you

15:52

can thank me later, which by the way,

15:54

doesn't really come. So

16:00

when I talk to parents, there's often

16:02

huge variety in kind of the top quality

16:04

they wish for in their kid. Some

16:07

people say confident, some people say caring,

16:09

some people say bold. And

16:12

there's almost universal agreement

16:15

in the number one quality parents

16:17

don't want their kids to have. Entitlement.

16:22

Over and over I have parents asking me, are

16:24

there things I can do now so that

16:26

my kid doesn't become entitled later on?

16:28

And the truth is, there are.

16:31

And so I wanted to put all of my thoughts

16:33

down in one place and I created something brand new.

16:36

A how to

16:38

avoid entitlement side. It's

16:41

all practical strategies and specific scripts

16:43

you can use so you know

16:45

your kids are building the skills

16:47

they need and

16:49

that they are going to avoid

16:51

that entitled outcome. It's

16:54

available within membership. So if you're

16:56

already a member, just search. Avoid entitlement

16:58

within our member library. Or

17:01

if you're not yet a member and want to check it

17:03

out, check the link in the show notes.

17:05

Can we circle back to this? You

17:17

said they might thank you later. He might thank you later, which

17:19

he never will. Let's go back to

17:21

the thank yous because I feel like we can forgive

17:23

so much. Shootiness

17:25

behavior when it's

17:27

accompanied with like an apology or

17:30

later a thank you. This

17:32

was so lovely or this was really great

17:34

or best day ever or whatever they say.

17:37

What is your recommendations for I

17:41

feel like gratitude practice is the thing we hear

17:43

about all the time. I'm

17:45

curious what you think of that and like thank

17:47

you letters after birthday party. Are you for that?

17:52

Yeah, I mean, so let's talk about gratitude. So

17:55

the way I think about

17:57

gratitude is gratitude. Attitude

18:00

is a feeling to me, not a

18:02

behavior. And

18:04

I think that's really important because to some

18:08

degree as a parent, and this is the way I

18:10

think, like I'm always working myself out of a job

18:12

in the best case scenario. That obviously I

18:14

want my kids to always feel connected to me, you know,

18:16

always can depend on me. But

18:18

for so many things, like I want to work myself out of

18:21

the job. I don't think any of us want to be 20

18:23

calling our kids saying, Oh, I heard you went to a friend's

18:25

house. Did you write his mama thank you note? Like I

18:27

don't think any of us want to do that. We

18:29

hope that our kid at that point will do it.

18:32

And the only reason my kid is going to do that when

18:34

they're 20 is that they feel gratitude

18:38

rather than they think, what's the gratitude action,

18:40

right? They're not going to do that on

18:43

their own. So I think your question is

18:45

also like, how do our kids end up

18:47

feeling gratitude? When can we expect that? And

18:49

then how do we help our kids

18:52

turn that feeling into, you know, an

18:54

action? So where's the

18:56

situation you feel like that, oh, my kid isn't doing

18:58

that. And it's just like, work them in my

19:03

household all the time. But

19:06

for example, we

19:09

took the kids ice skating and out for

19:11

ramen on a like random Tuesday. And

19:14

it was a fun, it should have been

19:16

our date night. We took the kids out with us, you know, and

19:19

when we got home, there was no, there was like all

19:22

of this. I don't want to take a shower. I

19:24

don't want to finish my homework. You know,

19:26

it was like the day would have been

19:29

forgotten because suddenly we got home

19:31

and we were back to the normal shit that they have

19:33

to do. Yes. That

19:35

completely resonates. Again, I think there's so

19:37

much in me too, where we conflate

19:39

our kids gratitude with the

19:43

gap between our hope and

19:45

then the reality. Like we're like, I'm leaving work

19:47

early. I'm taking my kids to

19:49

the special event. And

19:51

we don't even realize that some part

19:54

of us is like, my kids

19:56

better be grateful for that. Right. Which

19:58

again, I'm thinking of my husband ever. did something for me

20:00

and at the end he was like, you're not even

20:02

grateful. I'm like, oh, is that like the reason you

20:04

did this? Like, cause like now it doesn't even feel

20:06

good. Or like, I thought you wanted to take

20:09

me out to dinner. I don't know. Right? And

20:12

so I think we have to like put a little bit of a mirror back on

20:14

ourselves. Okay. The

20:16

second thing is gratitude as a

20:18

feeling, I think is really dependent on

20:21

mindfulness and noticing. And I'll explain

20:23

what I mean. Like one of the

20:25

things we want our kids to notice in that situation, it's

20:27

like, this was a really different Tuesday. Like

20:30

I didn't just do my homework and like go

20:32

to bed. I like had this really fun night

20:34

out. I'm like noticing that. And

20:37

like, there's a mindfulness to noticing where you have to

20:40

slow down to notice. We all know that, right? That

20:42

sometimes you don't notice anything. We're just speeding through life.

20:45

And I know for me, I'm not

20:47

great at modeling or infusing mindfulness and

20:49

noticing because I can like just run

20:52

at, you know, lightning speed. So

20:54

this is important to me, which I understand that it is.

20:56

Of course we want our kids to notice this is

20:58

a different night. My parent left work earlier. My parent

21:00

didn't leave work early, but planned this and this is so

21:02

cool. We have to actually

21:05

infuse that noticing and mindfulness into our life.

21:07

So maybe I getting in the car and

21:09

I'm saying on the way to the Ron

21:11

plays, not I'm thinking about like

21:14

most of the time, I don't

21:17

know, we're eating chicken, I got some pizza and we're

21:19

doing something totally different, right?

21:21

And I might try to set myself up for success

21:24

and think, you know, I'm thinking some

21:26

of the food might not taste the way

21:28

we're used to. Some of the food might

21:30

even make us feel like, oh, I don't like this. It's just

21:32

new, it's kind of different. Thanks to add some

21:34

spice to our lives, right guys? Okay, really

21:37

looking forward to dinner. What

21:39

my kid is picking up on is

21:41

actually they're learning through my modeling to

21:44

notice the different things in their life.

21:46

Versus in my house, it can be my husband's

21:48

driving. I'm kind of on my phone working. I

21:51

get there, I'm kind of distracted. You

21:53

know, my kids are like, where's mom? I don't

21:55

know, she's not really present anyway. They get food

21:57

that someone's telling them they should like and looks

21:59

totally different. and they're kind of surprised by

22:01

it. And then we feel frustrated like, I

22:04

took you to ramen and you don't even appreciate it. Right?

22:07

And so again, this doesn't mean this is our

22:09

fault. I don't think it's our fault, but if

22:11

it really matters to us for our kids to

22:13

develop these feelings and these skills, I

22:15

think we can think, okay, so what, like where's

22:17

my power? Like, what can I do? Because before

22:19

my kid at the end of the night says,

22:21

thank you for doing that. My kid has to

22:23

notice, silly as it sounds, we did

22:25

that. Like, wow, we did that. And in our busy

22:28

lives, a lot of us aren't really great at that.

22:30

So then at the end, maybe I would say, wow,

22:33

that was a really different night. I'm like, so glad we

22:35

did that. What about you? And I'm

22:37

guessing my kid might say, yeah, that was really

22:39

cool. Or I might say, and

22:41

I think this is really important, what

22:44

part of this dinner will you remember? And they'll be like, oh,

22:46

I'm definitely gonna remember when I brought us this wrong dish and

22:48

everyone tried it and it wasn't even ours. I don't know. I

22:51

wonder if we'd be as focused on

22:53

our kids saying, thank you. If

22:56

we had a moment of meaningful

22:58

connection around noticing this different

23:00

experience. Like, I just don't even imagine myself being

23:02

like, and you didn't even say thank you. Like,

23:04

I wonder to some degree of what we're saying

23:07

when we get there is, I don't really feel

23:09

connected to you. I feel like we together weren't

23:11

really noticing how different and special this was. And

23:14

if we did have that bucket filled, I don't

23:16

know if I'd be as hung up on

23:18

those two specific words. Also, my guess is

23:21

those two specific words, thank you, would probably

23:23

come out more naturally because

23:26

of the experience we just had together. Thank

23:29

you. So

23:32

also, I should say, there is something

23:34

for manners that's just like practice.

23:37

And I really do think it's empowering to think

23:39

about our kids' kind of bad behavior. We

23:42

can either look at their bad behavior as a sign of who they

23:44

are, or we can look at their

23:47

bad behavior as a sign of the skills they need

23:49

to build and practice. And I

23:51

think those two buckets would

23:53

lead us to 180 degree different interventions. If

23:56

I look at them as a sign of who they are, you didn't say

23:58

thank you. I literally took you to Rob. I took you

24:00

ice skating. This is the best night ever. You are

24:02

such a spoiled and entitled kid I'm not doing something

24:04

like this again. Okay, and I can say those words

24:06

with such eloquence because I've said them Sure,

24:09

you've never said things like that. No, never Okay,

24:12

or if I think my kid

24:15

needs practice noticing and slowing down My

24:17

kid needs practice a little perspective taking. Oh wait

24:20

I actually don't often do this on a Tuesday

24:22

night and actually a lot of kids don't that's

24:24

kind of cool And then my kid probably also

24:26

needs practice taking those things and turning it into

24:28

a heartfelt. Thank you Those are actually all skills

24:30

if we think about it as a coach. I

24:32

don't know anyone who Teaches

24:35

someone had a swim by sending

24:37

them to their room and telling them they're about

24:39

to swimmer I just don't think we'd hire that

24:42

coach or take on that coach for good, right? We'd

24:44

say you don't have the skill yet Let

24:46

me teach you a new way and let me give you

24:48

opportunities to practice still it won't happen in the pool swimming

24:51

But the more I do that the more likely it's gonna

24:53

happen. So I

24:55

might say to my kid Let's say before they're

24:57

seeing their great aunt who always

24:59

gives them a birthday present that they

25:01

okay Let's just say that's happening Right and we want

25:04

to avoid the cringe like why did you get me

25:06

this or I already have this or you never get

25:08

me Things I like, you know something, right cringe or

25:10

they like that. Well, if I think about it as

25:12

a skill I would say to my kid before What's

25:15

it gonna be like if she again gives you a gift?

25:17

You don't really love that's tricky, right? Unless

25:19

they make it like yeah, it's gonna be the worst. I

25:22

Might model again think about as a skill. That's

25:25

really hard You know like look

25:27

anyone getting a birthday gift wants it to be

25:29

something they want I think that's also

25:31

really important if I wanted a necklace for my husband and he

25:33

gave me a slow cooker I don't think anyone would fault me.

25:35

It's like I don't know having

25:37

a reaction. Okay, so doesn't mean I'm

25:39

a horrible person Just means I'm human. So I

25:41

might say Look, yeah, it's

25:43

tricky. It stinks to get something they don't want

25:46

and also I'm just thinking Like

25:48

your aunt puts in time. It's you know,

25:51

you wish you put in time didn't way she did like she was really holding

25:53

you in her mind and And

25:55

I may even say this to my kid like it's really

25:57

an interesting thing. Can we be grateful for someone's?

26:00

attention, even when

26:02

the outcome isn't what we want. What do you think

26:04

about that? And look, I'm

26:06

very aware, kids can say, mom, you're so annoying,

26:08

I don't know. I always think we

26:10

want to teach our kids how to think, not what to

26:12

think. And how to think often comes from asking our kids

26:14

more questions and giving them lectures. And I would

26:17

bet, I would bet a decent amount that

26:19

even planting that before would

26:22

actually totally change the way your kid

26:24

responds in the moment in

26:26

a much more powerful way than saying, if you don't think

26:28

you're aunt, I'm going to take away your iPad,

26:31

which is basically like saying, you're a

26:33

bad spoiled entitled kid. And so

26:35

I just, I think when we think

26:37

about how do we, how

26:39

do we raise kids who aren't assholes? How do we make

26:42

sure my kid doesn't become an asshole? If

26:44

you have this collection of moments that happens with your

26:46

kids, I would actually

26:50

ask you to almost look one way and say,

26:52

that's a sign they're a bad entitled kid. OK,

26:54

that's just not going to be productive. And

26:56

take a deep breath and just gaze in the opposite direction. And

26:59

even if you don't know what's in front of you, the road

27:01

you're on is saying, my kid needs

27:03

skills. They literally are missing skills.

27:05

That's what these behaviors mean. Doesn't

27:08

mean they're a bad person. It

27:10

means I need to help them build skills.

27:13

And what you're saying also

27:15

is sort of a bigger picture with parenting. I feel

27:17

like we know the outcome we want for

27:19

our kid. We kind of all want

27:21

similar things. We want them to feel pretty good about

27:23

themselves. We want them to be able to take on

27:25

hard things. We want them to be able to deal

27:27

with disappointment and frustration. We want them to have an

27:29

access gratitude. OK, that's a destination. Well,

27:33

we need a map usually to get

27:35

to destinations. And that

27:37

map always includes building skills, practicing

27:39

them. A lot of what I'm

27:42

sharing here, and there's so many other things we

27:44

can do as well. And it really is

27:46

like coaching them. I'm not trying to say it's

27:49

that simple in practice, but

27:51

the framework is actually kind of simple.

27:53

And once you understand that your kids

27:55

actually need skills as opposed to needing

27:57

a lecture or punishment, you

27:59

actually start building. making progress on that map and

28:01

you start to see signs. And I really mean

28:03

it, you start to see signs of the destination,

28:06

which is not much more of a motivation to keep going. Where

28:09

could I read more about this on

28:11

the community, Becky? So I've done

28:13

a lot of thinking about this recently. Obviously you

28:15

and I have talked about it a little bit.

28:17

I've been hearing a lot about this from parents,

28:20

this fear of entitlement, like really. And I

28:22

think this is really interesting that like when I

28:25

connect with parents, I'm like, tell me the number

28:27

one quality you want in your kid. I

28:30

hear such a variety of things.

28:33

Like there's some repetition, but sometimes

28:35

they are independent, they're creative, they're

28:37

confident, they're empathic, humble, it's like

28:40

a huge variety. And

28:42

when I ask all those parents, tell me the number one

28:44

quality you don't want in your kid. I

28:47

swear like 95% of them say entitled. The

28:50

other 5% in my little story say

28:52

selfish, which like, I don't know, like they're simply

28:54

like 95%. 95%

28:57

of parents like want to avoid

28:59

the same thing. And I

29:01

think our biggest struggle with entitlement and

29:04

helping our kids avoid it is simply that people don't

29:06

understand it. And you can't

29:09

fix a problem, anyone. We can't fix

29:11

problems we don't understand. And so

29:14

I think step one is actually breaking

29:16

down what entitlement is. It's a symptom

29:18

of kind of a larger struggle with

29:22

your relationship with frustration. That's

29:24

really what it is. It's all about

29:26

your frustration tolerance. Actually entitlement is

29:28

complete frustration intolerance. It's the experience

29:30

of, I'm not supposed to feel

29:32

frustrated, I'm not supposed to feel disappointed, I'm not

29:34

supposed to wait. And the positive of seeing it

29:36

that way is, okay, so there's

29:38

a whole set of skills parents can

29:40

learn so that kids can learn, so

29:43

that they learn to tolerate frustration

29:46

and waiting, so they learn how

29:48

to be patient and how they

29:50

learn then after that to access

29:52

gratitude. We can't access gratitude

29:54

when we're overwhelmed with frustration and

29:57

disappointment, just impossible. So

29:59

yes. I, you know

30:01

me, Jesse, I hate having ideas that I don't

30:03

translate into actionable strategies because I don't understand ideas

30:05

that aren't translated into actual scripts. And

30:08

so yes, I created, it's not a workshop because I

30:10

know parents want some of the things that are written

30:12

and they just don't have the time, like all the

30:15

time to watch something. So I made it into a

30:17

guide. It's pretty robust. It's kind of all the learnings

30:19

that would go into a workshop, but actually in a

30:21

much shorter step-by-step guide with strategies, with scripts, the guide

30:23

to avoiding entitlement. If you're

30:25

a member, just search it in our library, it'll

30:28

come up. And I feel so, so hopeful for

30:30

all the parents engaging in this way,

30:33

that they will actually start saying to themselves, and

30:35

I mean this, I'm not so worried

30:37

my kid's going to be an asshole. Like I

30:39

actually do believe I have the right map now to get

30:41

to the destination. I want to go. Thanks

30:47

for listening.

30:51

To share

30:53

a story or ask me

30:55

a question, go to goodinside.com/podcast.

30:58

You could also write me

31:00

at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting

31:04

is the hardest and most important job in the

31:06

world. And parents

31:08

deserve resources and support so they

31:10

feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm

31:13

so excited to share Good Inside

31:16

membership, the first platform that

31:18

brings together content and experts you trust

31:21

with a global community of

31:23

like-valued parents. It's

31:25

totally game-changing. Good

31:28

Inside with Dr. Becky is produced

31:30

by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom

31:33

at Magnificent Noise. Our

31:35

production staff includes Sabrina Farhi,

31:38

Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I

31:41

would also like to thank Eric Abelski,

31:43

Mary Panico, and the rest of the

31:45

Good Inside team. And

31:47

one last thing before I let you go. Let's

31:50

end by placing our hands on our

31:53

hearts and reminding ourselves,

31:56

even as I struggle, and

31:58

even as I have a high- time on

32:00

the outside. I

32:03

remain good inside.