Episode Transcript
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0:02
One and done. But
0:05
sometimes What? you're not done with
0:07
our people's comments. Really? you don't
0:09
want him to have a sibling.
0:12
Isn't she going to be lonely?
0:14
Or your own self doubt? That
0:20
the maybe there's uncertainty about I know what it
0:23
looks like you have siblings a don't know what
0:25
it looks like when you don't set kind a
0:27
scary to think that I think in in the
0:29
uncertainty people saying things like spoiled. No.
0:31
Social skills? long and like ship.
0:33
Is that true? What is? I
0:36
don't know, I've never had that experience with for
0:38
so is or something I'm actually missing your that
0:40
I need to be clued in on. And
0:43
if it is unlikely those are saying anyway. Only.
0:47
Children get a bad rap. they're
0:49
spoiled, they don't know how to
0:52
share, they lack social skills, they're
0:54
too dependent, and while these aren't
0:56
gross generalizations, if you grew up
0:58
in a big family with siblings,
1:01
it can be daunting to imagine
1:03
being a parent to an only
1:05
child. especially if the road to
1:07
your parenting journey wasn't an easy
1:10
one. And the family you initially
1:12
envisioned is different than the one
1:14
you have Now, I'm Doctor Becky
1:16
and. This is good and side will
1:19
be right back. Let's.
1:25
Be Real. Traveling. With kids
1:27
is a trip, not a vacation.
1:30
And. When you're in a hotel room, your
1:32
kid's bedroom is also your bedroom and
1:34
your living room and your dining room.
1:36
And. Lights Out for them means lights Out
1:38
for you. Not. Really, the vacation
1:40
parents have in mind. But. Then
1:43
we discovered Air Bnb. My.
1:45
Kids had their own bedroom. And. We found
1:47
ourselves with a luxury we never thought we would
1:49
have on a family trip. A
1:52
one hour vacation. Each. Night
1:54
all to ourselves. You. Know
1:56
I'm all for self care and that
1:58
means making sure all parents get more
2:00
mom like that even on vacation. And.
2:03
If you're planning an upcoming family trip
2:05
to, things are true. Your. Home
2:07
could be an Air Bnb for another
2:09
family. And it's a great way to
2:12
earn some extra money to use for your kids
2:14
camp. Your. Next vacation. Or.
2:16
Something you want? Because. Your
2:18
needs matter to. Your. Home might be
2:20
worth more than you think. Find. Out
2:22
How much Air bnb.com/host.
2:29
Hi Sunita, nice to meet you. Welcome.
2:31
Thank you thank you! The same here.
2:35
How me a little bit what's going
2:37
on for you and what's on your
2:39
mind for this conversation to the Yes!
2:41
So I have a two year old
2:43
sat around the city of issue in
2:45
Israel and so I have loved your
2:47
podcast the whole time. I found it
2:49
so helpful and just being able to
2:51
navigate either such a young age. all
2:53
the things they're already coming out like
2:55
the with a thick steel a this.
2:58
Term support myself as I support her
3:00
as the same time trying to deal
3:02
with other people's reactions and that and
3:04
was. Made. Me want to
3:06
ask this question today is my has unlimited
3:08
efficient to have just one child and that
3:11
came after a lot of challenges a surprise
3:13
that are fertility experience had miscarriages and after
3:15
that setting up our family lives during the
3:17
live rendition we're going to believe love the
3:20
family that we have the way it is
3:22
now. A for both
3:24
of us week hum from having a lot
3:26
of siblings. And it's is
3:28
so crazy Thing was like having a child. And
3:31
time people I guess is are only
3:33
chopper going to have the reaction that
3:35
would guess the character reservations of for.
3:37
A such a young age already. Where.
3:40
She's been calls him things us in
3:42
the code you could be spoiled, are
3:44
selfish or have for social skills of
3:46
be lonely that she's not even to
3:48
yes how. How can we had
3:50
already thesis about herself? i
3:53
think it's a sin wondering how
3:55
to support his head when people
3:57
name is the comments about her
4:00
I don't know that's going to happen when I'm there and when I'm not
4:02
there as well. I just had to help her. So
4:06
how do I deal with these kind
4:08
of unwelcome, unsolicited comments about the type
4:10
of person my kid is going to
4:12
be, maybe based on our
4:15
family composition, but also maybe we stop right there.
4:17
Like how do we deal with comments people make about our children,
4:19
about the type of people they're going to be? Yes,
4:22
yes. That would be so helpful. Okay.
4:25
And just to add a little more context to this. Do
4:29
you come in with any concerns? Sometimes the comments
4:32
people make about our kids that irk us the
4:34
most are the ones that somewhere
4:37
deep down, we're like, oh man, I kind
4:39
of worry about that too. And you bringing
4:41
it up makes it that much bigger.
4:43
Am I responding to your comment? Am I responding to
4:45
my anxiety? I don't even know. So just
4:47
like help me understand what you come in
4:50
with. And I know you
4:52
mentioned, so maybe we could flush it out a little.
4:56
I didn't expect my family to look exactly
4:58
maybe like this. So my guess is there's
5:00
some more details there that might even be
5:02
relevant if you're willing to share. Yeah.
5:05
I think coming from a family of siblings, so
5:07
I have a younger sister and older brother
5:09
and I'm incredibly close with both of them,
5:11
particularly my sister. She is truly
5:13
like my best friend. We spend so much time together.
5:16
And I always imagined in my head when we would
5:18
have kids, we would have kids, plural.
5:21
And then plans all completely
5:23
went out of the window once we actually
5:25
started trying to conceive and we
5:27
had miscarriage and another
5:30
miscarriage. And then we kept having
5:32
to revision our future over and over.
5:35
Yeah. It is interesting when we find ourselves as
5:37
a told, like we're like living a life that you're like,
5:40
I didn't know I'd be living this life. And
5:42
other people seem to have a lot of
5:44
certainty about what that version of a life is
5:46
going to look like now and down the road. And
5:49
it does bring up like, okay, well, I know I don't
5:51
know this person seems pretty sure. And they're pretty
5:53
bold. Like, how I need this, right? Do
5:56
I want to take that in? Is there any part of that
5:58
that is a concern I should look at? or
6:01
do I just really need to work on kind of like
6:03
pushing that stuff away from me? Exactly.
6:06
That's the thing is I don't want to
6:08
lose the truth at that, because it's true.
6:10
Yeah, based on the family that we have,
6:12
we do need to be more intentional in
6:14
making sure that she's around other kids, that
6:16
she's getting to learn some of the things that
6:18
maybe when you have a sibling, it's different. It's more
6:20
built in and all that kind of different stuff. So
6:22
I want to stay tuned to that. And at the
6:24
same time, I don't
6:26
want to, I
6:29
want her to hear those things too. I
6:31
mean, she's only gonna be two here soon, but
6:33
she just picks up so much, I worry about
6:35
what's she gonna hear in those messages. Yeah.
6:38
First, I'm thinking about this really concretely right now. I'm gonna
6:40
say three things that I think we can do today. And
6:43
let me know if that speaks to you, or if you
6:45
feel like we've missed something, or if one of those things
6:47
is like not really relevant. Okay,
6:49
one, I want to spend a little bit of time hearing your
6:51
feelings about this journey of having one child,
6:54
as if nothing has ever been said to you about
6:56
it. But if, again,
6:58
if there's feelings of loss, or
7:00
just other feelings that sometimes
7:03
come up when our family journeys don't look the same, I want to
7:05
do that. Step two
7:07
is I want to talk with you
7:09
about what part of
7:11
people's comments does kind of
7:13
hit a concern you might have, and then
7:15
what can we do with that? And
7:17
then step three, what do you
7:19
say to people in the moment? Like what are our
7:21
zingers we come back with? Or what
7:24
are some scripts for what we
7:26
can say to respond? Or
7:28
if possible, it's not always is, to
7:31
keep that out, to keep it from never being said.
7:33
So those are the three things I'm thinking about. Does
7:35
that resonate? Any of them feel like, no, Becky,
7:38
that doesn't really strike me
7:40
as important? I like all of them. I have immediate
7:42
thoughts and reactions to all of them. Great.
7:45
Yes. Can you share a little bit about your fertility journey
7:47
and what that was like for you? Yeah.
7:51
I think it was, there's so many
7:53
things. It was devastating,
7:56
confusing, sad. Surprising
8:01
at the same time too. I think there was
8:03
a lot that I didn't expect. There were even
8:05
conversations that my husband and I had that I
8:07
don't think we would have had had we not
8:09
experienced all of those, really trying to
8:11
be intentional about what we want our family to look like, what
8:13
does family even mean to us? I
8:16
think had our first pregnancy been successful, we would
8:18
have just kind of kept going. We don't want
8:20
to question the story that we always grew up
8:22
with. But because we had to do that again
8:24
and again, it
8:27
made us just realize things that
8:29
we didn't really want it.
8:31
I think that's the piece when I think about even just
8:33
having one child, there's a
8:35
loss of the story that we have, but there's also
8:37
a lot of excitement and relief and definitely
8:39
a lot of surprise like, I didn't
8:42
know I wanted this. But now that
8:44
we have it, I'm like, oh, I actually really, really want this.
8:46
It's been a huge surprise to us that
8:48
both of us want only,
8:50
we want this family that we have. Yeah.
8:54
So it sounds a little bit like there
8:57
was a lack of intentionality. We each kind
8:59
of came from bigger families. So
9:01
that version of a family just kind of was
9:04
the one we filled in. Somehow that was colored
9:06
into the book. And
9:08
then it sounds like that still was on your
9:10
mind early on. What
9:13
did it take to bring this child into
9:15
the world? Was it miscarriages? Was it in
9:18
vitro? Was it just month after month? Was it,
9:21
what did it take? Yeah,
9:23
so we, after we had our
9:25
miscarriages, we had gone. And then
9:27
we'd gotten the advice that
9:29
it could be helpful to consider IVF.
9:32
And for us at that point, I was like, I don't
9:34
know if I want to necessarily do that. I think there's
9:36
something about, like you mentioned, the story thought they had been
9:38
colored in and we just kind of went along with it.
9:40
And this felt like kind of another piece would be just
9:43
kind of going along with it. Let's do the next thing
9:45
that someone else says. But instead realizing,
9:47
oh, I think we have actually maybe
9:49
some limits on what we want to do, what we're willing
9:51
to do, what we financially, emotionally, physically
9:53
just feel able to do. So we
9:56
took a break for a couple of years.
9:59
And then, We got a second opinion who said
10:01
that, you know what, you may actually not need to do
10:03
IVF. I said just go ahead and start
10:05
trying, see what happens. And that's,
10:07
that's how we ended up having our daughter. We
10:10
had, I had like some like progesterone and other
10:12
things just to help just knowing that I had
10:14
been with Caret history in the past, but that's
10:17
what happened for us when we, and
10:20
there she was. Yeah, it was crazy during that past.
10:22
I mean, we had conversations about what would it be
10:24
like to not even have kids at all,
10:26
which was a kind of wild thing to think
10:28
about. But at the same time, there was something that
10:30
almost felt kind of liberating and that is like, Oh,
10:33
yeah. Yeah. And I'm
10:35
guessing that's the thing that will come up again, this idea of
10:37
are we locked into
10:39
like one story of like, we have miscarriage, we
10:42
couldn't have babies and it's awful. And my whole
10:44
life is, you know, over. And it sounds like
10:46
even in that moment, you were able to widen
10:48
from that story. Like maybe there's a world where
10:50
we like each other and we don't have kids
10:53
or, or maybe, maybe there's different versions of happiness,
10:56
you know, that, that we could find. Is that right?
10:59
Yes. I mean, it sounds like
11:01
your journey to having your daughter,
11:03
you know, involved tough moments,
11:06
involve surprises,
11:08
and then also involved a lot of
11:10
intentionality around having her. Like we really
11:12
want to do this. We're trying this
11:14
again. There was kind of like active
11:17
decision making to make that happen. Yeah,
11:20
definitely. A lot of conversations. Yeah.
11:23
And it's kind of thinking and rethinking things. Yeah.
11:27
Which I want to pause on because it is
11:29
interesting. You know, someone once asked me in an
11:31
interview, but did you always know you wanted to
11:33
be a mom? And I was like, you know,
11:35
I don't know if I'd say yes to
11:37
that. I also don't think I'd say no to that. Like
11:40
maybe it was the book that was given to me colored
11:42
in a certain way. So it's hard to
11:44
feel like you're making an active decision either way.
11:47
And whenever we make decisions that way, kind of like, Oh,
11:50
the story was just kind of given to me. A
11:53
lot of things can happen after it's like, Oh, wow. I just
11:55
kind of found myself in this story. I found myself having
11:57
this number of kids or I found myself living in this
11:59
area. I found myself leaving my job or not
12:01
leaving my job. And I do think
12:03
kind of being an adult in
12:06
some ways involves always untangling. Like what was
12:08
the story given to me? What's
12:10
the story I wanna write? Are those two things the
12:13
same? And where they're not, like what do I wanna
12:15
do about it? And it sounds like the story that
12:17
was given to you and your husband, where like you're
12:19
gonna have a family with lots of kids and
12:22
then you two actively made a decision
12:24
of our story that we are going
12:26
to write involves having one child.
12:28
We are authoring that story. Yes,
12:32
completely. And so
12:34
while it sounds like maybe there was sadness and loss
12:37
along the journey just in those moments, which are
12:39
always hard, right? When we're trying to get
12:41
pregnant, tell me if this is right. It
12:43
sounds like that's not a very big part of your experience right
12:45
now. Yeah, it really is.
12:47
I think I talk about it with my husband
12:49
a lot and sometimes he worries that because I
12:52
talk about how she
12:54
like amazing and confident and
12:56
good. I feel about the decision for sure. There's moments
12:58
of loss that are still there. I can feel
13:01
both of those things at the same time. I
13:03
think he worries, it's like, oh, are you sure about this? I'm
13:05
like, actually, I just keep talking to him. I'm so surprised by,
13:07
I don't really got about this. It just feels so right for
13:09
our family. I don't think I would have known that until I
13:11
met our daughter. I think that was part of it too. I
13:14
don't know how to plan our family until I actually met our
13:18
family. When I met our family, I'm like, oh, this is it.
13:20
It feels great. And maybe
13:22
it sounds like sillier, concrete, but
13:25
I actually recommend like writing
13:27
that down. Either as a reminder
13:29
on your phone that goes off or as a
13:31
post it somewhere, some version. There's
13:34
no magic to these words,
13:36
but something like I feel
13:38
good about our family.
13:40
I feel good about having one
13:42
child. Right now in this moment,
13:45
looking at our family, which is me,
13:47
my husband and our one daughter, I
13:50
feel very good and complete. Actually
13:53
writing that down, Sanita, I feel like would be
13:56
truly like grounding for you. It
13:59
does come in the... Yes, because there's
14:01
such a swirl around us all the time There's
14:03
so many like I always call it like a
14:05
lot of chirping always, right? All
14:07
of that chirping has so much more to do
14:09
with people struggles in their own story than
14:11
any of us But it's hard to remember
14:14
that and so being grounded in our own
14:16
story right and someone might be listening to
14:18
the thinking I have one kid and then I'm not as confident
14:20
as Sunita is I actually
14:22
still have a much bigger piece of my
14:24
experience that involves loss. That's okay. That's not better
14:27
or worse It just is I would still write
14:29
that down me looking at you
14:31
know My family with our one kid or
14:33
my one kid, you know Maybe
14:35
your story is I'm grateful for my child
14:37
and I do still have a longing for
14:39
another like if that's your story That's just
14:41
as good to write down. But knowing what
14:43
your story is is really
14:45
key in separating out what's
14:48
going on for me and
14:51
What are kind of the other chirpings
14:53
all around me? So maybe let's move
14:55
to those chirpings, right? That's kind of
14:57
step two. We said what about what
15:01
people say maybe does you
15:04
know kind of Click
15:07
into a concern or worry
15:09
you have so when people say, you know, she's
15:11
never gonna learn to share You
15:13
know, she's never gonna have anyone to play
15:15
with she's gonna be really selfish, right? These
15:17
are maybe some of the chirpings people right
15:20
say I'm just curious if we just take those
15:22
comments and you done We say okay. Those are
15:24
all different comments But if
15:26
comments from other people bother us because they
15:28
tap into some Concern
15:31
or worry we have looking
15:33
at that part of it is really really
15:35
important and actually really empowering because again We're
15:38
just separating you from me. So
15:40
which of those even right away? They're never gonna have anyone
15:42
to play with They're never gonna learn how to share. They're
15:44
gonna be really selfish. Which would you
15:46
identify? Ooh, Becky? That's that that's the
15:48
loudest one in my body. I think It's
15:52
the play with heart Mmm,
15:55
actually because I think about so I'm
15:58
Indian that my husband is white So,
16:00
our daughter is interracial. So,
16:03
I think there's something about when people say,
16:05
like, oh, she can be lonely. There's
16:08
the loneliness that—the loneliness
16:10
of being interracial that we are
16:12
not, both of her parents are not. So, being able
16:15
to, like, if she has a sibling, there would
16:17
be someone else who at least
16:19
has a somewhat similar experience that we can't replicate that
16:21
in ourselves, if we will never be that. We
16:24
won't have her lived experience, even if there were some of
16:26
the siblings. They wouldn't necessarily have her experience anyway. I
16:29
think that's the piece that hits me and says, oh,
16:31
she's going to be a different kind of lonely than
16:33
either of us have ever experienced. So,
16:36
there's this story in general of only
16:39
kids don't have someone to play with, right? They
16:41
can feel a little lonely sometimes. But
16:43
what you're adding is—and tell
16:46
me if that's right—neither you nor your husband is
16:48
interracial. Is that correct? Yes.
16:50
Yes. Mm-hmm. So,
16:53
my child won't have someone else in the family
16:56
who's living through that with her. Yeah.
16:59
Mm-hmm. And so, there might
17:01
be times he wishes she had someone to play
17:03
magnetals with or throw a football with. There
17:06
also might be moments, right, where she's looking
17:08
at both of you. And I'm
17:10
just going to say, it's like, you don't know what this is like. Yes.
17:14
Yes. And what does that bring up
17:16
for you? You don't know
17:18
what this is like, Mom. Dad, you don't know
17:20
what it's like. You know, I'm part white, I'm
17:22
part Indian. That is so hard. You don't know
17:24
what that's like to navigate that. I
17:27
didn't have a first reaction. It was like, God,
17:29
I mean, you're exactly right. You're so right. I
17:32
know—and that's the thing. I think I'm trying to
17:34
pull to my own experience of knowing what it
17:36
feels like to be not Indian enough to
17:39
Indian to be in certain circles. But
17:42
that's just even as someone who is fully
17:44
in this group. I think that's it. I'm
17:46
like, yeah, you're exactly right. I
17:48
don't know that. I don't know anything
17:50
about that, and that's scary. What
17:53
I love about your response is when our kids come
17:55
at us for anything. For
17:58
you, it may be, you know, you don't know what— like
18:00
to be interracial or for someone else, you know,
18:02
in their family and might be, you don't know
18:04
what it's like to be the only kid without
18:06
TikTok. That reaction, I'm like,
18:08
you're right. I don't know.
18:11
You and I, Cindy DeWright, are both psychologists and
18:13
probably all the time we hear people's stories that
18:16
we're curious about, want to
18:18
help them kind of figure out
18:20
their struggles. But inherently, we've
18:23
never walked in their shoes. Ever. Does
18:27
that ever come up in your private or do you have a
18:29
private practice? Do you see people individually or you work in a
18:31
different capacity? Yeah, I work at
18:33
a group practice with adults and, you know, right as
18:35
you were saying, I was like, yeah, you're right. I,
18:37
there's so many stories that I don't know. And I
18:39
think I'm expecting to go into this
18:41
not knowing the stories. So I can just come in
18:43
and be like, yeah, I'm curious. I want to know
18:45
all the stories. And I think already as
18:48
a parent, I have this expectation. I'm like, oh, I
18:50
should know how you do this so that I can
18:52
tell you how to do it. If I don't know
18:54
how to tell you to do it, then how do
18:56
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19:29
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19:31
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19:33
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19:37
for parents. No high fructose
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corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners,
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and it's free from the top nine
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allergens. But don't worry,
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they didn't leave out the part that kids
19:48
actually care about. It has a delicious natural berry
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flavor with organic elderberry, which means my kids don't
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put up a fight when it's time to take
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it. For minor aches and
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pains caused by colds, flu, sore throats,
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and toothaches, There's mommies, bliss, pain,
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20:03
for peace of mind. I want
20:05
to take a moment to let you know about
20:08
something I'm super excited about. I've
20:10
been hearing about so many families
20:12
struggling with their kids who are
20:14
hitting, or kicking, or
20:16
biting, or pushing, or where the
20:18
aggression is more verbal and there's
20:20
a lot of rudeness. And
20:23
I want to show up for all of
20:25
you so you can have
20:27
the hope I have. I
20:30
know these problems are totally
20:32
conquerable and even better. These
20:35
are the exact moments when your
20:37
kid can learn skills for life,
20:39
the skills they'll always need to
20:42
manage anger or frustration or upset
20:44
feelings. My upcoming
20:46
live workshop, Conquering Problem Behaviors,
20:48
is on May 1st at
20:51
11.30am Eastern. And
20:54
if you can't make it live, no worries at all. It's
20:57
always recorded and uploaded to
20:59
membership the next day. Check
21:01
it out in the link in my show notes or
21:04
through Good Inside dot com. For
21:11
every family structure, someone has one
21:13
kid, someone has three kids all,
21:15
you know, ten months apart,
21:18
someone has kids who are eight years apart
21:20
and they wish they were closer. Like
21:22
no matter what your family structure is,
21:25
there's going to be parts of that that feel
21:27
easy and natural and there's going to be parts of that that
21:29
are tricky. Every single one. And
21:31
one of the moments that you seem to
21:34
identify with your daughter that will be tricky
21:36
are those moments of you don't understand or
21:38
even some kids will say, I
21:40
wish you had another kid. Why didn't
21:43
you give me a sister? Why didn't you give me a brother? Kids
21:45
say that, right? I mean, kids also with a million
21:48
brothers and sisters will say, I wish you didn't have
21:50
these brothers and sisters. They both
21:52
happen. And your stamps, I
21:54
feel like that will just leave you
21:57
so prepared is it's a different version
21:59
of your right. But just like, I'm so
22:01
glad you're talking to me about this. Feels
22:03
to me like the number one line parents need
22:05
to memorize. Like, especially when their kids come at
22:08
them with like feeling upset with them. You
22:10
don't understand. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.
22:12
Why didn't you give me a sibling? I'm
22:15
so glad you're talking to me about that. You seem
22:17
to, you know, have thoughts and feelings about that. You're
22:19
right to have those thoughts and feelings. I'd love to hear more.
22:22
Yes. It's such
22:24
a good point. It's funny, even though my daughter is so young,
22:26
I feel like saying that in the
22:29
language that she had now, but I'm so glad you're
22:31
talking about this right now. She's been getting so upset
22:33
that she wears bangles, like with the Indian, you know,
22:35
bracelets and she loves wearing them at night. I'm like,
22:37
you cannot wear these at night to bed. But she
22:39
wants us to sit there and we just like talk
22:41
about, we talk about it. I was like, you
22:44
want to wear the bangles. You want to wear the
22:46
bangles. Yeah. Tell me about that. We're going to take
22:48
them off eventually. But just having that and all that
22:50
she needs to, I was like shocked the other day.
22:52
She handed, like she put her arm out for me
22:54
to take them off. I'm like, oh my gosh, that
22:57
warmth. You're letting me take this off
22:59
without a full meltdown. Yeah. Right. So
23:01
worked. I know those are like, the most you're like, wow, there's
23:03
something to this. Yeah. You
23:06
know, and I use that line with a lot
23:08
with my kids when they're younger, when they were
23:10
younger, like they'd have a meltdown about something
23:12
and saying to them, I'm so
23:15
glad I know how important this is to you, which
23:17
is another version of I'm so glad you're talking to
23:19
me about this now again, that
23:21
doesn't mean knowing how important it is
23:23
for them to have, I don't know,
23:25
the 15th Oreo they're eating
23:27
doesn't mean I'm giving that 16th Oreo. Like
23:30
actually those are two totally separate things,
23:32
but there's something about responding to a
23:34
kid's big emotional expression to us
23:36
by saying like, I'm so glad I know about
23:38
this. Again, I think like if I was
23:40
really mad at my husband and I kind of raged at him and
23:42
he was like, wow, that's a lot, but also I'm so glad I
23:45
know about how important this is. I would just melt.
23:47
I'd be like, Oh, you're right. It is
23:49
important. You know, that's so true. And
23:52
so I think when it comes to that
23:55
worry you have or that fear, right, the worries
23:57
and fears we have about our kids, they get
23:59
older. Oh, what if they're lonely? What
24:02
if they come at me one day saying, oh,
24:04
I wish I had
24:06
a sibling? Like, in general,
24:08
I find the things that we worry about with
24:10
our kids, if we turn it
24:13
to ourselves and say, okay, let me just tell myself that will
24:15
happen. Oh, I worry that one
24:17
day my kid's going to say, you don't understand.
24:19
One day my kid will say, you don't understand.
24:21
I worry one day my kid's going to say,
24:23
yeah, I wish you gave me a sibling. One
24:25
day my kid will say, I wish you gave
24:27
me a sibling, right? Like, making it into a
24:29
fact and then telling myself, and
24:32
I will be able to deal with that.
24:34
And that will be a point of learning
24:36
and probably connection between us. And that will
24:38
actually probably be a really important, hard, painful,
24:42
have my own stuff come up, and
24:44
important moment, really changes things
24:47
from a worry that's swirling around
24:49
me and making me feel overwhelmed
24:52
to something I can picture
24:54
and actually kind of feel competent about.
24:57
That resonates at all. It really does.
24:59
And, you know, even hearing it that way,
25:01
just taking that, like, this is going to
25:03
happen. I feel like it
25:05
would take me away from spending so much time
25:07
having the thought, it circulates, circulates, circulates. The number
25:09
of times I've had my husband, like, how are
25:11
we going to do when she, you know, ask
25:13
about if she can have another sibling? I spend
25:15
so much time worrying about
25:18
that, that I miss things that
25:20
are actually happening right now, even. I think
25:22
that's so right. And I'm sure
25:24
there's people listening and you're thinking like, oh, this issue
25:26
doesn't apply to me. And on the
25:28
surface, you know, we all have different issues. But underneath, probably
25:30
one of the things all of us do as parents
25:32
at times is we lose a
25:34
lot of time and energy to worries we have
25:37
about the future. And one
25:39
of the things about worries and our own anxiety is
25:42
that we
25:44
often think we can make anxiety and worry
25:46
better by kind
25:48
of like going down a rabbit hole and
25:50
like thinking about it forever or game planning
25:53
about it. But actually, one of the
25:55
best things we can do for anxiety is just remind
25:57
ourselves that we're capable because anxiety. kind
26:00
of pauses or deescalates when you're mind yourself, wait, like
26:02
I'm a capable person and if and when that thing
26:04
happens, I'll be able to deal with it. And so,
26:07
you know, what about when my kid, you know, asked
26:09
for a phone and I don't want to give it
26:11
to them, it's such a swirl versus one day my
26:13
kid's going to ask for a phone. I'm
26:15
not going to want to give it to them. And I'm going to
26:17
be able to cope with that. I will, when
26:20
that moment comes, I will get through it. I'm
26:22
a good, strong, capable parent and I can do
26:24
it. And all of a sudden the nervous, spiraling
26:26
energy transitions into like, wow,
26:28
like I'm kind
26:30
of a badass energy. Yeah,
26:33
it really does. It's like it gives me somewhere else to go,
26:35
whether it is like, I want to handle it. I just love
26:37
learning. So like, let me learn about how to handle it. Or
26:39
just know like, yeah, I'm going to handle it. So let me
26:42
focus on things that are actually happening right now in my life.
26:45
I love that. I love that decision tree. I'm going to
26:47
handle it. Do I want to spend my time now thinking
26:49
about how to handle it? Or I'm going to handle it.
26:51
So actually, what else do I want to put energy
26:53
towards in the meantime? Yeah, great.
26:55
So okay. So here's the third category of things we said
26:57
we were going to talk about. What
26:59
do we do in that moment? What do you do when
27:02
you're in the grocery store and random person X behind you
27:04
is like waxing poetic about, you know, your family
27:06
structure, or maybe it's not there. Maybe it's at
27:08
a family gathering and you have the aunts and
27:10
uncles and grandparents and great grandparents,
27:12
you know, telling you about
27:15
this decision you made. Where does it come
27:17
up? That's most bothersome or most
27:19
frequent for you? I
27:21
think where comes up the most probably is
27:23
within my family gatherings and things like that.
27:26
I can think of a time recently where
27:28
we were at some extended family and
27:30
a cousin asked like, oh, are you going
27:33
to have another another child? I was like, no,
27:35
you know, we're just going to have one and
27:37
we love it. And like, oh, you
27:39
want to give your another sister gives like, she let my sisters
27:41
in. She's like, you don't want to give her a Sheila. I'm
27:43
like, I don't really want to recreate my kind of
27:46
having a child to recreate the same relationship I
27:48
had with my sister with my immediate response, which
27:50
landed awkwardly. And then it kind of fizzled away
27:53
from that. And I think that's what I usually
27:55
do. People say something I just snap back quickly
27:57
with the first response that comes to my mind.
28:00
that things usually go well. Yeah,
28:03
well, I guess we
28:05
have to figure out what going well means, right?
28:08
One of the things that happens a lot in
28:10
conversations is people do say or ask really
28:12
inappropriate things, like things that are not their business, things that
28:14
have more to do with their own stuff than anything to
28:16
do with us. I always feel like sometimes they're just like
28:19
a pawn in their game and that never feels good. And
28:22
the visual I always think about, Sanita, is
28:24
like that person puts this awkwardness on us.
28:27
And one of the things you're saying you do is
28:29
you just give it back to them, the
28:31
awkwardness. Which I
28:34
can say, I think especially women
28:37
are socialized against that. I think in general,
28:39
societally, people give women a lot of awkwardness
28:41
and worse than that. They give a lot
28:43
of aggression or a lot of
28:45
really inappropriate, really
28:48
uncomfortable statements. And then
28:50
as women, somehow societally, we've been taught
28:53
our job is to just digest that
28:55
for them. And I
28:57
actually think it's a really powerful thing to
28:59
think, you know what, that wasn't mine to begin with. I'm
29:02
not taking that. I'm giving it back to
29:04
its owner. So when you say back, things
29:06
like, yeah, this isn't really a
29:08
conversation I wanna have. Or that doesn't really
29:10
sound like a curious question. It sounds more
29:12
like a judgment. Or no, I'm
29:15
not looking to recreate the exact family I have.
29:17
I'm kind of excited as an adult to make
29:19
my own decisions. It can feel like, oh, that
29:21
didn't go well. But I think a different interpretation
29:24
could be, someone gave me something pretty inappropriate and
29:26
I just said something to give it back. That
29:28
wasn't mine in the first place. You
29:31
know, that's such a good point. It's actually making me
29:33
think something I used to love that my husband would
29:35
do after we had our miscarriage. So a number of
29:37
people would ask, like, oh, why aren't
29:39
you guys having kids? Or when are you gonna have kids?
29:41
And he would just respond and be like, we had two
29:44
miscarriages, so we're just taking our time grieving right now and
29:46
thinking about what we want to the family. And
29:48
It would usually be a pretty conversation
29:50
ender at that point. But I Always
29:52
remember loving that response too. Like, I'm
29:54
glad you made it awkward right now,
29:57
because they made it awkward actually. And
29:59
You're just responding. What Are trails? And
30:01
it felt like he was advocating for me
30:03
at his staff and and I think about
30:05
as I want my daughter know that. I'm
30:08
looking out for her. I it I of was. It is
30:10
somewhat muted. Awkward. For me growing up of. Make.
30:13
An awkward Naturals nice if of true.
30:16
I love that! I love time. I do
30:18
think the image of. I
30:20
didn't start the awkwardness I didn't really make it awkward, it
30:23
was made awkward for me and so I can my kids
30:25
up all back to. Tennis court side where it
30:27
initiated like I did serve the spot soon
30:29
as wanted to bring it back. And
30:31
then often a because women again it's have. A
30:34
bigger discussion like oh, you're
30:36
so sensitive. Earth. Oh like you want to
30:38
say it so aggressively and I'm It's really a perversion
30:40
of the truth if you look at you like I
30:42
did not begin it. I. Just you
30:44
know, hit back over I'm that's an
30:46
act of self protection. That's really not an act
30:48
of aggression. Yeah, that's
30:51
a cylinders of society of A. I did
30:53
make it awkward, you weird awkward. and I
30:55
think my impulses the almost like somehow contorted
30:57
to make it feel nice and pleasant. An
30:59
uncomfortable for either of us anymore. But I'm
31:01
just gonna return. It's just like I received
31:03
this, that's exactly right. Like serves and tennis
31:05
or hit hard even if you just put
31:07
a racket up. attempts to go back. part
31:09
of because it was served our. Oh
31:12
so. Ah, I'm no. I
31:14
think there's a couple of or nuances here
31:16
whenever I think about comments that are said
31:18
to us that are inappropriate. Or.
31:20
Often amassed like what makes us to tell my kids to
31:22
do when they're kind of bullied or when you know someone
31:25
says and I'm from the in progress. I think often we
31:27
really do focus on what do we say back. By
31:29
my take your is it's way more important is
31:32
what we say to ourselves. And. I
31:34
think that's something none of a for top like when
31:36
someone says something inappropriate to us. The. Answer
31:38
isn't coming up with a good zinger to
31:40
them, The answers actually trying to solve, protect,
31:42
and so. When someone says
31:45
to you oh just one kid do worse
31:47
is gonna be like kind of lonely and
31:49
celsius like okay there's a tennis ball you're
31:51
allowed to say whatever you want back but
31:54
I feel more importance neat as well make
31:56
you say to yourself. In.
31:58
That moment. yeah I
32:01
feel good about the family that
32:04
I've created. I feel
32:06
proud of it. I
32:09
just want to pause on that. I actually have the chills.
32:11
Like it's really interesting visually, I think, to
32:13
see that ball coming your way. Like, oh, do you
32:15
ever worry she's going to be lonely? You know, I
32:17
don't know. You're going to think about
32:20
having another kid. And just like, I don't know why in the
32:22
movie of this moment, I picture like a pause button. And
32:25
then you're on your side to say to yourself, like, I
32:28
felt really good about my family. I
32:30
felt really proud of
32:32
my family and the decisions that led to
32:34
this family. Like maybe bolstering that
32:36
a little more. Just saying like, I know that. And
32:39
no one can take away my
32:42
knowing that. Yeah. And
32:45
then if we played the movie from there, you know,
32:47
the irony is when we bolster ourselves
32:49
in that way, we create a little barrier. We're
32:52
like, yeah, this comment now is no longer infiltrating me.
32:54
It just kind of lives in the ether outside of
32:56
me. And then the irony is whether we
32:58
want to come back with a like
33:01
hitting that ball back or like a zinger or
33:03
whether we just decided that moment, like I just
33:05
actually think I'm going to kind of get up
33:08
and get a glass of water and, or just
33:10
say like, yeah, great question. Anyway, tell me about
33:12
work. Like, you know, like it actually becomes so
33:14
much less important because we no longer use the
33:17
comment we have to someone else as
33:20
a way of validating ourselves. We've already
33:22
done that. And so what happens next
33:24
is like kind of neither here nor
33:26
there, which feels very freeing. It
33:29
really does when you saw that visual of Stan
33:31
there, you know, saying that and saying
33:33
like, none of this other
33:36
stuff, it really matters. It's almost like my mind went
33:38
to thinking, what was that
33:40
even like, what if you even say, I don't even remember
33:42
your comments anymore. I'm kind of into this moment now. That's
33:45
exactly right. And then I can tell you in my
33:47
own life, there are moments I'm like, I'm feeling kind
33:49
of spicy today. I'm just gonna like, I just, and
33:51
I know this person and I just, I'm in the
33:53
mood. Like I'm gonna like kind of give it back,
33:55
you know? And then there's other moments with the same
33:58
person or someone else and I'm like, you know. it's
34:00
not that it's quote not worth it, I just
34:02
don't wanna do it. So I'll say something like, it seems like
34:04
you have a lot of thoughts about how many kids I have.
34:07
If you're ever coming at that from a place of like
34:09
actually wanting to be curious about my journey, I'm
34:11
happy to talk to you about that. If it's
34:13
coming from a place of feeling like there's one right
34:16
way, that's not a conversation I'm interested in having. I
34:18
just wanted to lay out those two options for you.
34:20
Or I feel like saying, yeah, I don't really,
34:22
you know, that's not really on my mind right now,
34:24
but I really heard that you're reading this book and
34:27
I wanna hear it. Like, I just give myself freedom
34:29
to say any of it because I've
34:31
already done for myself what I needed to
34:33
do for myself. Yes,
34:36
yeah. That's also grounding to
34:38
know that regardless of what they do, I know
34:40
what I'm going to do. And the one the
34:42
mood hits me, because it does sometimes, I do
34:44
feel like giving back a zinger or something like
34:46
that to them and the satisfaction of seeing it
34:48
land feels nice. But sometimes I don't feel like
34:50
doing that. That's exactly right. It's not
34:53
like you have nothing to prove, you're just like might be in the
34:55
mood, you know? Yeah, yes. I
34:57
feel like playing this way is kinda slow. Exactly.
35:00
One day when your daughter faces these things, whether
35:02
it's, oh, you don't have a brother or sister,
35:04
is that so sad? Or maybe it's not that.
35:06
Maybe it is something much more in some ways
35:08
aggressive. Maybe someone makes a comment about the color
35:10
of her skin or, you know, or it's just
35:12
like, you're no good at soccer. No one likes
35:14
you. We don't wanna play with you. That
35:16
idea of like, I always find it powerful. Like, what if
35:18
we teach that to the next generation? Like, it's not about
35:20
what you say to someone else. It's
35:23
really about what you say to yourself.
35:26
And maybe one day I can see a moment with your daughter where you're like, look,
35:28
actually, there are times people say things to me about
35:31
having one kid. And this is how I
35:33
kind of pause and talk to myself. And
35:35
then you're like really in that process together.
35:38
So powerful. Yeah, I think that's
35:40
what I would really want. And I think that's so
35:42
helpful to hear because that's inspired my fear of how
35:44
do I coach her in those moments? I have no
35:46
idea what the script is gonna be, so I can't
35:49
tell her what her line should be in this. But
35:51
what I do know is how we can talk about
35:53
what she's feeling afterwards, what that was like for
35:55
her. That's exactly right. You can
35:57
talk about that. You can teach her. I
36:00
think kids learning the idea of a mantra. So a
36:02
mantra is something you say to yourself when everything feels
36:04
really big. A mantra is something really simple
36:06
and small. And sometimes it's nice to have something simple and
36:08
small to say to yourself when things feel really big, right?
36:11
I don't know, something like that. That's so something we can
36:13
teach our kids. They'll take that with them to the playground
36:15
or to that sleepover or to the math
36:17
class or wherever they feel vulnerable.
36:19
We don't have to change what everyone says to
36:22
them if we're focused on
36:24
like kind of what they do and say
36:26
for themselves. Yeah,
36:28
we don't have to change what people say to them
36:30
if we focus on what's going on with them. And
36:33
I love the idea of if she's
36:35
ever feeling spicy, she serves out some
36:37
whatever, serves you would like to that
36:40
day. I just have an
36:42
image of someone asking her a dumb question. Her coming
36:44
back with like, oh, do you ever get sad? And
36:46
I'm like, yes, very sad. Now, what would you like
36:48
to do with this? Where's the conversation gonna go? I
36:50
think there's something that I get. I hope she gets to do both. I
36:53
do too. I feel like I will go
36:55
on record saying, I feel like we need
36:58
some more women like throwing out some spicy
37:00
comments, serving the awkwardness back to where it
37:02
originated. So I will go on record with
37:04
you saying we sign, we
37:08
sign our names to that. More spiciness,
37:10
yes, agreed. Thanks
37:15
to Airbnb. Remember, your home
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could be worth more than you think. Find
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out more at airbnb.com/host.
37:23
And thanks to Mommy's Bliss. Check
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out their new pain and fever medicine at
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mommy'sbliss.com. Thank you for listening.
37:31
To share a story or ask me a question,
37:34
go to goodinside.com/podcast.
37:37
Or you could write me at
37:39
podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting
37:41
is the hardest and most important job in
37:43
the world. And you
37:45
deserve resources and support. So
37:47
you feel empowered and confident
37:50
for this very important job
37:52
you hold. I'm so excited
37:54
to share Good Inside Membership. It's
37:57
the first platform that brings together
37:59
content. and experts you trust
38:01
with a global community of like-valued
38:04
parents. It's game-changing and built
38:06
for a busy parent who wants to
38:08
make the most out of the few
38:10
minutes they have. Good
38:12
Inside with Dr. Becky is produced
38:14
by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom
38:16
at Magnificent Noise. Our
38:19
production staff includes Sabrina Farhi,
38:21
Julia Knott, and Kristen Muller.
38:24
I would also like to thank Eric
38:26
Abelski, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the
38:28
rest of the Good Inside team. And
38:31
one last thing before I let you go. Let's
38:33
end by placing our hands on our hearts
38:37
and reminding ourselves, even
38:39
as I struggle and even as I
38:41
have a hard time on the outside,
38:45
I remain Good Inside.
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