0:02

I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside.

0:06

She was in the other room and I was

0:08

like, okay, maybe I'll just try and make this

0:10

look really cool. And so I just got in

0:13

the bath without saying anything, got a bunch of

0:15

toys in there with me, some

0:17

bubbles, and was just

0:19

splashing and loudly. We

0:22

were in the other room reading books. I'm not

0:24

generally a person who squeals, but I

0:26

was squealing with delight just to make

0:28

it as tempting as possible. And

0:30

she was interested. She then walked in and

0:33

played with the bubbles from outside the tub.

0:36

And I was trying not to push it. And

0:38

she was doing that for maybe 10 minutes and having a great time

0:40

and thought the whole thing was very funny. And then I was like,

0:42

you know, you could hop in. And she was

0:44

like, absolutely not. That moment,

0:47

we all know it. When your

0:49

kid's been delighted to do a thing

0:51

and then suddenly and rather dramatically, they

0:54

aren't. Let's get into it

0:56

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this line should go down and we only get

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one thing answered, I think we want the emergency

1:55

question. Okay,

1:58

let's do it. her daughter

2:00

is two years and seven months old.

2:03

And for two years and six

2:05

months and two weeks of her

2:07

life, she's absolutely loved

2:10

taking a bath. Like looks forward

2:12

to it. It's like, it is

2:14

a treat. That

2:16

stopped one day, two

2:19

weeks ago? No, 10 days ago, Emily?

2:22

Something like that, yeah. Screaming,

2:24

crying will not get in the bath. And

2:27

this coincided with her generally discovering

2:30

how to tantrum, but

2:32

it seems very specific. And

2:34

the other tantrums seem random.

2:38

And the other tantrums seem like

2:40

something that we can, they're

2:43

almost more minor, I would say, and we

2:45

know how to handle them.

2:47

I will say we've also tried quite

2:50

a few things at this point. We've tried

2:53

offering a bath at different times of day. So

2:55

changing the schedule, we

2:58

have tried getting in the bath

3:00

with her. And then we've also tried

3:02

a shower. Now she will

3:04

only take a bird bath. What's

3:06

a bird bath? A bird bath

3:08

is a washcloth with water,

3:10

getting her wet, trying to use a

3:13

little bit of soap. One

3:15

day I tried a bird bath where

3:17

I put her in the tub standing up

3:20

and then poured water on her. And

3:23

she was unhappy about that. So if you ask

3:25

her, why don't you, what's going on? Why don't

3:27

you like the bath? What does she say? That,

3:30

we try that, because she's a very good

3:32

talker. And we've tried that

3:34

and we can't get an answer out of her. She

3:36

just kind of gets upset and says, I don't like

3:39

it. Or I don't want to. Okay,

3:41

so here's where I would start. I

3:44

would start by saying this to her today. You

3:48

know what? There's something about the

3:50

bath you really don't like.

3:53

I believe you. Like that's

3:55

literally your homework today, just to say

3:58

that. I

4:00

don't have some brilliant interpretation, like here's what I

4:02

think this represents to her, and with my own

4:04

kids, I often don't have that either. But

4:07

leading with validation

4:09

and believing, even when you don't understand, is

4:11

an insanely powerful intervention. It's often like, for

4:14

some kids, it's like the only thing they

4:16

need to have a little bit of a

4:18

movement. Because you're saying, like, I

4:20

believe this thing is real, even if I don't

4:22

even understand it, where it's usually easier for us

4:24

to validate something if we do understand it, right?

4:26

So I would just say that. There's something about

4:29

the bath. You really don't like right now. We

4:32

believe you. And I would actually

4:34

let that sit. And I would have that

4:36

be the whole thing. And just see

4:38

what she says. I don't expect some, she's

4:41

not gonna offer some brilliance, but I promise you,

4:43

it matters. And

4:45

just allowing that be the whole thing makes it more

4:47

impactful without saying, okay, so here's what we're gonna do.

4:49

So just let that be the thing. Other

4:51

things after that. I would just

4:54

evaluate internally for the two of you, how often at the

4:56

stage do we need to do a bath? The bird bath

4:58

that you're saying? I refer to that

5:00

as an important parts shower or something like that,

5:02

right? Sometimes you only need the

5:04

important parts to be washed. We all know what

5:06

those parts are, right? And it's okay to do

5:08

that. A kid's don't have to bathe every day.

5:11

Nothing horrible happens. And so I

5:13

would also just kind of consult between the two

5:15

of you, how often do we need to make

5:17

this happen? And you can even deliver to that

5:19

kind of idea to her by saying, again, after

5:21

this other intervention, you know what? I

5:24

know there's gonna be a time that bath is

5:26

easier. I know now bath is really hard and

5:28

there will be a time that it's easier. And

5:30

while it's hard, we don't have to do baths

5:32

every day. We're not gonna bring it up. And

5:35

we can't do baths never, but

5:38

there's a lot in between every day and

5:40

never. And so let's almost come

5:42

up with that together. Let's come up with a schedule

5:44

together. What do we think? And I'd let her participate.

5:46

I doubt she's gonna say to you, I don't know,

5:48

how about every third day? I don't know if she

5:50

has the math for that. But I can

5:53

say, okay, today is Friday. There's

5:55

a couple of reasons why we definitely need to take a

5:57

bath. If we get really muddy and really.

6:00

dirty, we definitely have to wash that

6:02

off. And also every, and then

6:04

pick a number that feels right to you, every so

6:06

many days, even if that doesn't happen, we need it.

6:09

So let's look at our calendar. And I'd

6:11

even give her a little bit of visual

6:14

kind of symbols around this. So

6:16

today this doesn't have to happen. Oh,

6:18

tomorrow we are going to the playground.

6:20

We always like to play in the

6:22

sandbox. You'll probably end up falling in

6:24

the mud. Okay. So that might

6:26

be a day. And then as that day

6:28

gets closer, I would just prepare

6:30

with her. Oh, this is going to, I just

6:33

own it from the start. This is going to

6:35

be hard, right? Like this bath today, oh, nobody's

6:37

going to have fun. Let's think together. What's the

6:39

easiest way we could do this? And even then

6:41

it might be a standup kind of scrub down,

6:43

but you could call it like it's a scrub

6:46

down. It's not even a bath, you know, you

6:48

can almost like differentiate it. And

6:50

I think like a key almost formula

6:53

when our kids are in some really tricky stage is

6:57

validate exactly what's happening for them in the

6:59

moment and the intensity they feel it and

7:03

hold hope for a shift. And

7:06

often we do one and not the other. We're like, come on,

7:08

get over this. You're fine. Or

7:11

we almost like join in their anxiety versus

7:13

holding those both at once would sound like, look,

7:16

I know there's a bath feels really tricky.

7:18

There's something about it that feels really, really

7:21

bad. I believe you. I know that's real.

7:24

And I know there's going to be, it doesn't feel like this.

7:26

And so we're doing these scrub downs and there's going to be

7:28

a day. I know that you say to me, like, let's do

7:31

that back again. I'm ready for the bubbles. Like, I just know

7:33

that day is going to happen. It's not today. And

7:35

I know what's going to happen. And so it

7:37

really respects where a kid is today. And

7:40

it feels really good even as an adult

7:43

when you're struggling for someone else to see

7:45

or struggle and to hold hope for

7:47

something different. That's often enough to help a

7:49

kid have some movement. It also gives a

7:52

kid back control. It gives them

7:54

back control. Bath time can be

7:56

a place that kids really kind of

7:58

struggle and resist. goodinside.com/newsletter,

18:02

or check out the link in the show notes. I

18:04

can't wait to share the excitement with you. So

18:08

in terms of this question

18:11

you were asking, kind of of, oh, I

18:13

want it to feel like it's my child's

18:15

interest that's motivating this and we don't have

18:17

to, we're not forcing her or saying now

18:19

is the day. I

18:22

think there's something in between that that's

18:24

important in the potty process and it

18:27

actually relates to what we were talking

18:29

about earlier, which is this idea

18:31

of I see where my kid's at and

18:33

I hold hope for where they can be.

18:36

Because we do have a role as a parent

18:39

that enables our kids to

18:42

feel increasingly capable. If a kid at a

18:44

certain age said to us, I

18:46

really want to be on a soccer team, we

18:49

would still have to be the ones to go look for

18:51

the soccer team and find it and figure out if we

18:53

can get them there. If we didn't do that, our

18:57

kid's desire to be on a soccer team, it couldn't

18:59

be realized. It would just kind of

19:01

live as a desire. And actually when a kid says

19:03

to us, I want to be on a soccer team

19:05

and then they watch us a little bit go into

19:07

action, oh, okay, let me look into that, here's this

19:09

option. They feel from us, wow, my parent really thinks

19:12

I'm capable of being on a soccer team. And if

19:14

we don't, there's a message, not only of frustration, but

19:16

of a kid feeling like, oh, maybe

19:18

my parents don't think I can do this. And

19:21

so I think there's this balance with

19:23

potty that when we do

19:25

see our kid giving us signs

19:27

from them that they're ready, I

19:31

really actually think as parents, we do need

19:33

to take a step. Because

19:35

if we don't, we give our kid

19:37

a kind of a communication

19:39

that we think they should stay in diapers.

19:41

That's very different than forcing, right? It doesn't

19:43

mean, hey, we're doing this three day process

19:45

starting now. Not that, but

19:47

if a kid is talking about potty and they

19:50

want undies, they're talking about daycare, I do think

19:52

we need to say that, hey, you're showing me

19:54

that you're really excited about

19:56

being in undies, or

19:58

you're excited to start. I

24:00

just say, should I

24:02

read it? Would you like? Yeah, read the page.

24:05

Okay. Piss, piss, piss.

24:08

And a little bitty push, out comes my

24:10

fee with a teeny tiny whoosh. So

24:13

far so good. Then it

24:15

goes, says mama, do we have

24:17

to poop too? I

24:20

grunt and then I poo. There's

24:23

something about I grunt,

24:25

which is what, that's

24:27

a terrible sentence. Is

24:30

it the sentence structure? Is it the

24:32

noise? Is it the grammar? Is

24:35

it the order of operations? I mean, I want to know.

24:38

The word grunt, that's a tough place to

24:40

start from. But

24:42

I think pairing grunt with

24:44

mm-mm is. It's

24:47

like, yeah. We have other

24:49

potty books. Like we have other potty

24:51

books that are totally fine and that

24:53

are, but there is, I'm on

24:55

the same page with each of them at

24:57

that one page. But

25:00

otherwise, I think everything else in that book seems,

25:02

I think it's okay, right Ian? And is this

25:04

the one your daughter happens to love? Because that's

25:06

always the case. It's like, read that one. I'd

25:11

say she demands all of them equally, yeah.

25:14

Yeah. And in sequence, but there

25:16

was a day when this was requested four

25:18

times in a row. There's

25:21

something that also as a parent, you

25:24

really, you're reading for your child, but

25:26

also, and I think

25:28

this is coming from both the work

25:30

that Ian and I do, which has a lot to

25:32

do with words. And so

25:35

when you encounter something where the

25:37

words just like feel abrasive, that's

25:39

an example where the words just

25:42

like, they don't work together or

25:44

something, I have the

25:46

same feeling about that book. But I'm all

25:48

the other potty books and talking about, do

25:50

you have to poop? Do you have to

25:52

pee? That's fine.

25:55

Which by the way, I also want to just

25:57

say, we also had to have a discussion about

25:59

what we want. OH

32:00

4