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1:13

of Earth, the following podcast is not

1:15

real. And listeners, I know

1:17

what you're thinking. What if

1:19

I just sat quietly and listened to

1:21

50 minutes of nothing instead? To be

1:23

sure, that much quiet contemplation would lead

1:26

to a better understanding of yourself and

1:28

a greater sense of inner peace, while

1:30

the value of what's ahead is indeterminate

1:33

at best. But for those of you

1:35

willing to put off personal nirvana for

1:37

just one more day, sit back and

1:39

enjoy the show. Hello

2:03

from the Magic Tavern! A

2:05

weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm

2:08

your host, Arnie Neekamp, the greatest warrior in our

2:10

Rifun. If you've never listened to the podcast before,

2:12

this is everything you need to know. Nine

2:15

years ago, I fell through a dimensional

2:17

portal behind a Burger King in Chicago

2:19

into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

2:21

Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal

2:23

through the dimensional rift, and I used

2:25

that to upload a podcast recorded here

2:27

in the tavern, The Wanderlust. Currently

2:30

in Kadabra Falls, in the magical land of

2:32

Foon. And I'm joined, as always,

2:34

by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger! Uh, yeah,

2:36

Bing Bong. Uh, who? Boy, yo boy yo boy

2:38

yo boy. Chant, you seem a little distracted recently.

2:41

Big, big, big, big news. Arnie, this is big.

2:43

Uh-oh. Okay, are you sitting down?

2:45

Yeah, you're always sitting down. You're

2:48

gonna be some novelty restaurant that

2:50

you're trying to start again, because I... No

2:52

Arnie, that was yesterday, okay? And

2:55

I guess I'm counting you out as an investor? Okay.

3:00

You're sure, though? I'm pretty sure. Footeys, you're

3:02

sure you're passing on footsees? I'm...

3:05

Because the whole thing is, our tables

3:07

have kind of coverings, so you can't

3:09

tell who's kind of being romantic with

3:11

who. Who's blankly with? Okay.

3:13

Yeah, privacy. And we serve a

3:15

lot of feet. You slip that pig hoof right off and

3:17

get to shove those little piggy toes? Uh,

3:19

it's kind of a foot on a foot.

3:22

Like, I was... I was on board when

3:24

it was just, you don't know who you're

3:26

playing footsie with. But then you're serving feet?

3:28

Okay, okay guys, okay, you have big news, you

3:30

said? Big big news. Feet

3:33

are aphrodisiacs, Arnie. I don't know if you have

3:35

that word on Earth, but it just kind of

3:37

means it's like a... We have a word similar

3:39

to that. Catalyst for horny. Does that

3:41

make sense? Huh? Yeah. It's

3:43

a one-way ticket to pound town. Okay. Is feet.

3:46

Yes. Regardless, you're out on that. Arnie,

3:49

there is an animal war, a great

3:51

animal war coming. I just got

3:53

word. What? It's a veterinary

3:55

boris, the enchanted moose. He sent me another

3:57

letter and it turns out there's a great...

4:00

Animal War. Is this why none of

4:02

the animal kings have been responding to

4:04

our correspondences? I have

4:06

to assume so. It's okay.

4:09

Arnie, how to dilute this down so

4:11

you can... It's palatable

4:13

to Arnie's brain. So Arnie, it's air

4:15

versus land versus sea? Okay.

4:18

So it's like Avatar the Last Airbender?

4:22

Like what? I don't know. Can you explain

4:24

that? No. It'd take a long time. We

4:27

have time. It would be worth it.

4:29

It really would. But I think in this

4:31

case, let's stick with what you're talking about.

4:33

He's talking about those tall blue people that

4:35

he loves. Oh,

4:37

yes, yes, yes. Whose tails kind

4:39

of do what foot do. Yes,

4:42

that's what he's talking about. So sorry, I just wanted

4:44

to clarify since he wouldn't do. Oh,

4:46

by the way, I'm also joined by my other co-host,

4:48

Yuzor the Blue. I am Yuzador, Wizard

4:51

of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and

4:53

Shadow. Many good days for magical lights. I can't even

4:55

finish them. So I'm on the edge of my seat

4:57

waiting to hear Tron's news. Okay.

4:59

So Yuzador, you probably know this where

5:01

you feel it in your bones

5:04

or whatever you have. Do you

5:06

have bones? Oh, yeah. Do you have

5:08

bones, Yuzador? Yeah, I got bones. Okay. Could

5:11

you prove it? Sure.

5:13

Here. I

5:18

forgot I've lost my immortality. Yeah. I've just

5:20

broken my arm and exposed a bone. You

5:23

could have just opened your mouth. That was a trick. Teether

5:25

bones. Teether bones. So that would have worked. So

5:30

you probably feel it in your teeth. But

5:32

the birds, most of the air, they're on

5:34

the wizard's side. They want to protect and

5:36

save the wizards. Sure. But see,

5:38

all the creatures in the water, they've been around

5:40

since ancient times, Arnie, because food used to be

5:43

covered in water, etc., etc. They

5:45

want the wizards to die because they feel like it's their

5:47

time. Their time again. And

5:50

the land creatures are pretty much

5:53

ambivalent. Oh, okay. But still

5:55

at war. And at war. And

5:57

still at war. Yes. At war. At war. Because

5:59

they... haven't chosen a side. Air and

6:01

sea are

6:04

fighting with Earth now, land, because they didn't

6:06

choose a side. I have

6:08

sensed this and I've even witnessed a

6:10

few spectacular events, like a whale jumping

6:13

right out of the ocean to bite

6:15

a pelican. Whoa, not swallow

6:17

bite? Yeah, damn,

6:19

it did him right on the ass, right on the

6:22

bird end. That's extra hard to do, to just

6:24

nibble at a pelican? I saw

6:27

it, it was crazy, I'm telling you, I told you

6:29

it was crazy. Yeah, swallowing a pelican

6:31

is so hum, but just biting it on

6:33

the butt, that's impressive. That sure is. Well,

6:36

look, I know we're all comfy

6:38

here in the wander loss, when we're reporting episodes

6:41

of the season, but we are in the town

6:43

of Cadaver Falls, and I think we're parked across

6:45

the street from an animal bar,

6:47

the blooded rabbit, should we go across

6:49

the street and check in with the

6:51

animals? Oh yeah, sure, fuck this place,

6:54

let's go. Yeah, hey everybody here, we're

6:56

gonna go across the street for a

6:58

little bit. They don't care. Okay,

7:03

okay. Everybody don't forget to take your mic,

7:05

we're still doing the podcast. Let me

7:08

take a look after you.

7:12

That's right, I forgot a lot of shit in

7:15

animal bars. More, I mean look, there's a

7:17

lot of shit in our bar too, if I'm being honest. Chaunte,

7:20

is that your shapeshifter?

7:22

You can become any of these animals, have you

7:24

chosen a side? That's

7:26

a thing, extraordinary Boris wants to meet with me,

7:28

or talk to me, or whatever it is, I'm

7:31

guessing he's gonna try and enlist me into his

7:33

ranks, but we'll have to wait

7:36

and see, I might try and sit this puppy

7:38

out. Let's grab

7:40

this booth over here. If you could

7:42

change into a bird, I'd be on the

7:44

side of the wizards. Great

7:47

team, good team, fun team. No whale might

7:49

bite your butt. A whale might

7:51

bite your butt. Don't arrest that. Yeah, well, I

7:53

don't want to think about it too much right

7:55

now, why don't we grab some drinks? Alright, do

7:58

you mind ordering? Sure. Alright, I'll be

8:00

right back. Ah! Uh,

8:02

Chump, uh, well, Awning's not here.

8:04

Let me make one last desperate

8:06

plea to you. Please

8:08

join the side of the wizards, even

8:11

though I'm aligning myself against the wizards.

8:13

At least join the side of this

8:15

wizard, me, Usidor. Damn,

8:17

from casually asking to a

8:20

final death rattle plea, always-

8:22

Please! The span of-

8:24

Usar, please, I don't want to see you like this.

8:26

I- hey, I'll- of course I have your best interest

8:28

in mind, okay? But I just have to- I

8:31

just have to think through this- Wait a minute! I

8:33

know those two. Hey guys, look who

8:35

I- Who I- Are those the moles? Yeah,

8:37

look who I found at the bar, the

8:39

moles! Hey! Oh, well, well, if it isn't...

8:42

These guys... Too Mikey! And

8:44

I would be... And

8:47

who exactly are we- Are we dealing

8:49

with here? I would be remiss if

8:52

I did not ask who exactly the

8:54

folks are and- And

8:56

we've- And we meet again, I think.

8:59

From how you're talking to Tom. We meet a lot

9:01

of guys and- We love to recap. We

9:04

love to recap. Thank you. And

9:06

you seem so familiar, or maybe

9:08

you're new. Go ahead. It's

9:11

been a few years, but I'm Arnie

9:13

Kneecamp. I'm from another world. I'm a

9:15

human. Oh god, I remember this guy.

9:18

That's all he talks about. Oh,

9:20

my other world. Ah, it is all he talks

9:22

about. I'm-

9:24

I'm Chunt, a Badger

9:27

slash shape shifter. And

9:29

I am, of course, the mighty

9:31

wizard. Usodol the Blue. Okay,

9:34

yeah, starting to come

9:37

together. I'm remembering. Sorry,

9:39

did I say this last time to you, the wizard?

9:42

Why don't you use a door and- Get

9:45

the fuck out of here. Yeah, I hear that

9:47

a lot, yeah. Yeah, people say that a lot.

9:50

Yeah, I get that. I must say it

9:52

every time we meet. Probably. It's worth saying.

9:54

We're saying one. It was saying. Now, in

9:57

case both of you don't remember your own

9:59

names. You're

10:01

Mel Mole. Mel Mole. Mel Mole,

10:04

and more Thoth. And more

10:06

Thoth. Yes, Mole Warriors. The

10:09

mighty Mole Warriors, yes. Waffle as

10:11

hell. Oh, and what

10:13

a time to be Mole Warriors,

10:15

baby. It's war out here. We

10:17

are swangin'. Speaking

10:20

of which, haiya. Oh,

10:23

our table. That's just a taste.

10:25

They rattled that table, like our

10:27

drinks spilled. That's half

10:29

speed. It's so impressive when you

10:31

hit a table because you're

10:33

famously half poor vision.

10:36

Oh, yeah. And I'm

10:39

not gonna sit here and pretend I was aiming

10:41

for the table. You know what I mean? That's

10:43

not me. This guy

10:45

is gonna put on airs and go, oh, no,

10:47

I meant to hit the table. But what you

10:49

saw was, if you were

10:51

that table, yeah, that was smart. Yeah,

10:54

you're quaking. Yeah. No, we're swinging away.

10:56

We've been going wild, going nuts, war

10:58

style. I almost feel like last time

11:01

we weren't even really Mole Warriors, and

11:03

that's how much Mole Warriors

11:05

we are now. Wow.

11:08

Yeah, so we've always known you as Mole Warriors, but now

11:10

you're like, really? Yeah, but at the time, that was Mole

11:12

Warriors. You know what I mean? No,

11:17

it was, but it's just the game has

11:19

changed. Oh, man. If

11:22

I could go back in time and

11:24

meet myself back then when you

11:26

did, I'd say- You want to

11:28

go back in time? Not

11:32

really. Oh, okay. Can I

11:34

just want to make my point? It's on the table if you want

11:36

to. Just let me know. All

11:38

right. You want me to go back in time? Now

11:40

I feel bad. No, no, no. You brought it up.

11:42

So I just thought, you know, I'm a wizard. I

11:46

think you heard his feelings with the use a door thing you said

11:48

before, and I think he's saying, like, you want to go back in

11:50

time and maybe be nice to me next time. Well,

11:53

I can go back in time and not say use a door. You

11:55

want to go back in time and not say use a door? No,

11:57

that's fine. You can say that. I

12:00

got excited because I thought it was an opportunity to give you

12:02

something that you want to grant a wish, you know But

12:05

you were making your point. I'm sorry I interrupted. I

12:07

appreciate that you guys were just honest You're like, no,

12:09

I don't really want that I was speaking metaphorically because

12:12

Usur will usually just jump in and magically do

12:14

whatever someone casually says and it turns into

12:16

a whole thing Oh, honey, did you want me

12:19

to turn you into a whole thing? So

12:21

this is progress I'm it's starting

12:23

to ring a bell here

12:25

because the last two times

12:27

ago He made us

12:29

into big moles. Yeah Really

12:32

scary really messed up being up

12:34

there. It absolutely killed Can't

12:40

tell if this is the good or bad use of killed the

12:42

last time He said

12:44

that he was gonna make our skeletons glow

12:47

Which turned out to be fake

12:49

as we were getting like pretty

12:51

much our entire shit eaten by

12:53

ants at the time Yeah, and

12:55

our bones got exposed and they

12:58

were filming normal bone color except

13:00

that it killed Killing

13:02

good to know you have bones. I Will

13:05

say you look better than last time we saw

13:08

you. Well, let me follow your warriors now. We've

13:10

been really getting in. No, we Calvin

13:14

accepted and yeah, I

13:16

mean let's face it. We've

13:19

been in the gym The Warrior

13:23

gym. Oh the warrior

13:25

giant warrior gym and swing in

13:27

that thing man Sure,

13:30

just letting her in Arnie,

13:32

this is a fabled hall where

13:34

only foods mightiest are allowed

13:37

to entry several tests just to get

13:39

in through the giant front doors and then after that

13:41

it's I don't know weeks

13:43

months until you make it out again. If you

13:45

do make it out Can I tell you something about

13:47

the warrior gym? There's a small door as well fewer

13:49

tests Smart sort

13:52

of a mole sized door. Yeah

13:55

It's a big house is really

13:58

a size test. Yeah Are

14:00

you too big for the door? Yeah

14:02

passed it immediately Did

14:05

you guys do that thing where you like walk

14:07

across? It's like a bridge and then like a

14:09

there's like a pendulous blade that swings all the

14:11

blade saw the bridge saw the blade Wow

14:17

not really being able to see so good

14:19

that We you could still

14:21

kind of see the blue The

14:24

shape kind of swinging Okay,

14:27

couldn't be anything else but a pendulous blade

14:30

Looked at that. Oh Wouldn't want

14:32

to be on that bridge And

14:35

then no, you know get ready for blade

14:37

to that one actually not as impressive. Oh

14:40

really? I think the

14:42

second blade if you like blade two is

14:44

kind of better than the first boy. I hear people say

14:46

that I'm like Weird

14:50

if India does we can all agree that the

14:52

third blade is bad But I

14:54

don't know what the third blade is.

14:56

I remember blade Trinity. I Know

15:00

blade Trinity. I know what that is. We

15:02

need a new blade. We're

15:04

waiting I don't know Can't

15:06

the blades just exist can't they just can't

15:08

we just go back and like can't

15:10

they just you left alone? nothing

15:13

ever dies Mel

15:15

and more do each of you have like a

15:17

favorite exercise or a piece of

15:19

equipment at the warrior gym. I Got

15:24

stuck in a hole Exactly

15:28

my size And

15:31

if you can imagine the workout that you get

15:33

just the isometrics of just kind of

15:35

like pushing up against that thing Right

15:38

for so long Like I

15:40

came out of that thing Beefy and I

15:42

had to wait till it rained of course

15:44

Obviously for the hole to fill up and

15:46

to sort of float me out, but I

15:48

came out of there beefy Got

15:51

a great workout in the meantime though. Yeah. Oh

15:53

if I got to pick out one workout for

15:55

me, it would probably be assisted

15:58

hole pulls And

16:01

if you need a friend in a hole for

16:03

it, and you got it, you really kind

16:05

of hunker down over that hole. Both

16:09

hands, right? You squat down,

16:12

clench your glutes, and

16:14

just pull. And I'll tell you, the friend

16:17

often will not budge at all. But

16:20

if you could imagine the isometric

16:22

contraction you get from that. A

16:24

lot of resistance. It'll beef

16:26

you up. It'll beef you up. I'm adding

16:29

more and more resistance because I'm getting so

16:31

beefy in there. Sure. Oh

16:33

yeah, no, it was

16:35

really great, Jim. I'm hearing the

16:37

word isometric a lot. It seems like

16:39

it's easy. Oh, I so metric these

16:42

days. I

16:45

just want to point out that I am

16:47

a being who can learn and grow because

16:49

when you started talking about this hole, this amazing

16:51

hole, I really wanted to immediately

16:53

create a hole big enough to put Arnie in,

16:56

and then Trent and I would start pulling on him. But

16:59

I'm just going to sit here on my hands. I'm not

17:01

going to do it. I'm not going to jump to that conclusion. So

17:04

this is growth. Okay, if you could not say that

17:06

you're sitting on your hands in front of a mole

17:08

who can't actually do that. Oh,

17:12

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be

17:14

rude. I don't know if you noticed, I

17:16

instinctively tried, and I did not get anywhere

17:19

close at all. The idea

17:21

of sitting on hands is so appealing. I

17:23

mean, that's a mole's greatest dream. Oh,

17:26

I never even imagined. See,

17:28

again, I wanted to lengthen your arms so

17:31

you could sit on your hands. We have to sit

17:33

on each other's, and that is actually how I ended

17:35

up falling into that hole. Mm-hmm.

17:39

Sure, sure. Just trying to

17:41

get the difference just right. Yeah.

17:44

Yeah. John, did you want to

17:46

ask them any questions about the war? I'm

17:49

good. War, baby. Ooh,

17:51

yeah. I

17:54

am a machine of war. You

17:57

can ask us any questions you want, I guess.

18:00

Before you do that, it might be

18:02

helpful if we just kind of

18:04

get the context for like how caught up

18:06

you guys are. And if you

18:08

just want to kind of give like a

18:11

brief summary of who

18:13

is fighting. Who's

18:19

fighting? Yeah. Questions I have. We're out

18:21

here swangin'. Man,

18:23

I am letting it rip. You

18:25

know, I haven't been holding back.

18:28

Hi-yah! Oh! That glass.

18:30

Yeah, yeah. Almost hit it. So,

18:35

you know, I'm going nuts, but

18:38

Mel and I talk about this all the time.

18:41

Who's fighting? Yeah,

18:44

great question. And I guess

18:47

as far as I know, it is

18:50

air versus land versus sea, but I have

18:52

to imagine there's some amount of... Okay, sorry,

18:54

sorry, sorry. We have to go back a

18:56

little bit. You said it's

18:58

what versus land versus what? Air.

19:03

So that's like when you look up and you

19:05

see... who? Hair?

19:08

Yeah. Yeah,

19:10

sorry. It's hair versus land

19:12

versus... versus... P. Okay,

19:16

hair and pee. I

19:19

have a much more complete

19:21

understanding of. Mm-hmm.

19:23

Yeah. In my

19:25

experience, they actually get along. Hair

19:28

and pee. Sure. Not

19:31

a more natural combination to be had. Oh,

19:34

he's really flicking back his fur

19:36

there. I defy you

19:38

to find a mole. Hair is

19:40

never met pee and vice versa.

19:44

But they're fighting each other, fighting the

19:46

land. I feel like there's something you're

19:48

holding back from us. Yeah,

19:52

I guess it's not hair. It's air. So

19:54

it's like birds? Yes. Do you know

19:56

birds at all? Hang on. I want to do something

19:58

with my hair. put it

20:00

into a big fancy pompadour and

20:03

then I have a little song just

20:05

a life song parody for you it's

20:07

very brief and it's not totally accurate

20:09

but it just and it doesn't quite

20:11

rhyme as I put on my big

20:14

thick pompadour and let me get my

20:16

lip going up a bit nothing but

20:18

a groundhog that

20:23

was very good of course I've not Arnie

20:26

that's an elvish song oh

20:28

yeah yeah the elves early elvish well

20:30

all elves are early they're some of

20:32

the you know some of the first

20:34

original creatures on land digging

20:37

all the time go

20:39

ahead let's take a quick

20:41

break and try to get Morton male

20:43

up to speed hey

20:50

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20:52

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20:54

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21:43

war okay

21:46

so the birds of

21:48

it all yes I was

21:51

just gonna say this go ahead I

21:53

have had an experience of getting kind

21:57

Of swooped on I don't know exactly how

21:59

else to destroy. Driver swooped.

22:01

And then grabs I lifted

22:04

off for sure I can

22:06

I guy I can feel

22:09

that. And then grind

22:11

of I can kind of feel

22:13

like this interest from whatever is

22:15

you know you can discount like

22:18

body language. He does get a

22:20

sense of like very roots. It's

22:22

very last I'm doing this because

22:24

I've done it but not for

22:27

any like. Specific.

22:29

Desire that I have. It's just like,

22:31

guess I'm doing this Now it not.

22:33

There's no pass in there. And

22:36

then they don't like. I know who

22:38

I let me go. Yeah, drumming right.

22:40

No whole exactly my size or Roka.

22:42

Predictably, why are so many assholes my

22:45

side while others holes that you're digging

22:47

yourself. I send me

22:49

when I heard screaming again out

22:51

of a whole exactly my says

22:53

I am thinking like I guess

22:55

quite a few months training is

22:57

the sort of back kicks I

22:59

do you know in some sort

23:02

of some dirt area. Than

23:04

three. So hole in the mice.

23:08

Yeah, that would create a whole right underneath

23:10

you as you to say, and you both

23:13

are clearly like very powerful warriors. Been. As

23:16

land animals with him from hadn't heard

23:18

quite a disadvantage against air animals like

23:20

how would you even go about finding

23:22

something and was so that so it

23:24

was so that has birds. The

23:27

event burns said and girls so.

23:30

Can. I ask. Something in the Wizard

23:32

has been offering a lot of stuff

23:34

to me by of course there's anything

23:36

I are. You know I don't have

23:38

to do something. So we're talking in

23:41

terms of like. Lane

23:43

and Air and Sea.

23:46

In feals, Lula like stealth the

23:49

you mostly are working now. Okay,

23:52

I don't have a great feel for it

23:54

and what I would love just for the

23:57

war. Is. Is everybody can have.

24:00

Yeah sure. oh.

24:02

Now. That line for sour? be so

24:05

helpful and textured. please Like yes

24:07

like I wanna When I'm when

24:09

I'm swaying and. And I

24:11

make contact I want Obediently know

24:13

this one of my guys who.

24:17

Write this is one of the other

24:19

guys. Also, not even as this one

24:21

of my guys. Stop but complete your

24:23

thrust in that a new. I

24:26

was getting your best boobs than

24:29

the kind of war guys we

24:31

are who. boobs. Well.

24:33

I suppose. I suppose I could grant

24:35

this requests and I could. I cast

24:38

a spell. They would cause all of

24:40

the land creatures to wear Staley shirts

24:42

and ah, all of the air creatures

24:44

to Air Harry shirts, and all of

24:47

the sea creatures to wear feathery sets.

24:49

What do you think of that? would

24:51

that help clarify things? Home

24:53

so we get this. Gailey serves. Everybody

24:56

else has come c. O

24:58

or am I crazy is that when I her

25:00

eyes my wish and I get up on me

25:02

as sir that was just off the top of

25:04

the dome you tell me what served would you

25:06

prefer. More kind of the ideas

25:09

guy here and Isis. I gotta say,

25:11

this could be an insane isn't this?

25:15

This is selling worse hurts. Oh

25:17

I mean like searingly Yeah. we're

25:19

just like making these like and

25:21

cripple be featured. Sounds like actually

25:23

fire. Potentially like you're not in

25:26

the war unless you've got one

25:28

of these shirts here and we're

25:30

gonna love one yesterday. And

25:32

I do want to remind everyone that

25:34

it was more. It's ideas so participation

25:36

and can have an aggregate start with

25:38

more a know I am sure. So

25:40

I'm not going to magically shirts and

25:43

everyone automatically. I'm going to magic up

25:45

a bunch of shirts, magic up emerged

25:47

table, have some time around a table.

25:49

words table for the water where Okay

25:51

okay I think we can do that.

25:53

I'm a chance to have me presence

25:55

on certain type of were fabrics. Who

25:58

I am. I feel. Usually quite

26:00

fast with out the shirts. I don't

26:03

know if we can be skins

26:05

like if is so land animals into.

26:07

This is exactly what Mort didn't wishful

26:09

be. Oh no, you're right arm

26:11

who? something. Something green I guess represent

26:14

like trees and grass and supreme

26:16

Kai? How about a green shirt? Yeah,

26:18

I'll give you the softest, softest

26:20

musts. Pliable shirts

26:22

and then I'll give all of the

26:24

sea creatures like sort of I'd still

26:26

hard comparable name on in Irvine a

26:28

homer high up. yeah. To a soft

26:31

is a soft like an upsurge them.

26:33

Yeah, those sets costs a little bit

26:35

more and got a higher quality fabric

26:38

even though I'd magic them up. And

26:42

then the birds and and that the

26:44

other creatures in the i suppose they

26:46

could have I got a top like

26:48

a ribs tank top hundred I'm interviewing

26:51

that I've that might not admit that

26:53

the tank tops can add any sleeves

26:55

are not. Where's the answer for so

26:57

you'll be fighting with the births. Okay,

27:03

Be sick. Actually, they're dropping me

27:05

dove as hell, search around me

27:07

on my name is they come.

27:11

Shooting in through the sky, swing

27:13

me down right in my enemies

27:15

and I'm going like. I

27:18

see. Ah, As

27:22

Valium terrified and impressive, I've

27:24

been weighing in at ship

27:27

clip lately. imagine you get

27:29

clip from above. That

27:32

we as a terrified hawk swoops down

27:34

at you and drops a mole with

27:37

a chip clip directly into your face.

27:39

Your ear done for pinches under knows.

27:43

You can't breathe and it's and in it's

27:45

like you know that it must taste like

27:47

chips, but you can't quite get your mouth

27:49

on it. The

27:52

way more At I mean the way Morton's

27:54

been using the ship with. he's

27:56

been flipping the chips and so they

27:58

do smoke two or three them up

28:00

yeah and make it smaller. The chip clip

28:02

does smell like chips so if

28:04

you're wondering why like why would the chip look

28:06

smell like chips it's not supposed to be getting

28:10

chip on it. Yeah you don't usually put

28:12

it directly on the chip. Can we all

28:14

agree chips are too big am I crazy

28:16

chips are huge I mean can we talk

28:19

about this folks that chips are huge just

28:21

get a clip and and chip up the

28:23

chips here's what I've been using lately

28:25

is a big olive

28:28

but it's getting really gross.

28:31

Oh wow Arnie did you notice the whole

28:33

bar turned to face and

28:35

they're laughing when he said have you

28:37

thought about this you heard this the whole bars he's

28:40

putting on a little show Arnie. Oh it's

28:43

war people like are looking

28:45

for a release. They need a

28:47

release you know what I mean chips are too

28:49

big you see these chips they're huge why are

28:52

they so big. So

28:54

I'm dating again that's

28:57

new. Wonderful.

28:59

I tell you

29:02

I went out with this one mole the other day

29:05

take me back to your hole

29:07

take me back to

29:09

your hole slow down babe I'm

29:12

stuck in a hole right now.

29:17

Relatable. So good

29:19

Arnie you're not you're not laughing.

29:22

Oh I guess I just I

29:25

prefer observational comedy and I guess

29:28

comedy this is pre-war stuff

29:30

this is oh pre-war stories when

29:32

wars. Yeah when wars happen everyone

29:34

kind of gathers around a person

29:36

will take the stage and sort

29:38

of presents some relatable stories.

29:41

Yeah that's what we do before the war. Now

29:45

chance did your do your moose friend have

29:48

any other intelligence that perhaps we should share

29:50

with Morton Mel so that they can assist

29:53

in their mighty battles as they

29:55

go forth into the war risking

29:57

their very lives to ensure the

29:59

safety of other animals? Yeah,

30:02

well the only other information I have

30:04

so far is that there are some

30:06

outliers who are just kind of stuck

30:09

in between where it's like penguins

30:12

don't fly so they're not necessarily of

30:15

the air but they are technically birds

30:17

so I guess there's a lot of

30:20

outliers. They're not technically birds, they're

30:22

birds. Insects? Insects

30:24

are land, right? You don't want to go to

30:27

war with insects, man. I had an ant eat

30:29

most of my brain. Yeah. How

30:32

would you guys fight a fish? See

30:35

that was another one. I mean I was going to

30:37

just let that one pass but like

30:39

that's another one where I'm going to need a lot

30:41

of catching up. I mean I

30:43

feel like totally at sea when it comes

30:45

to the fish thing. Okay

30:47

well let me see if I can help

30:49

Trent out with this. Do you remember Mel

30:51

when you were stuck in the hole? Yes,

30:54

yes. Actually now I do remember

30:56

that. Do you remember when it filled

30:58

up with water and that's how you

31:00

got out? Uh huh. Imagine

31:03

a hole that was

31:05

millions of times bigger than that hole.

31:07

Okay. And it's filled with water. Yeah.

31:10

Yeah. And there are fish

31:12

and other creatures that live in there

31:14

and some of them have tentacles and

31:17

others have fins and sort

31:19

of bulging eyes and some live so far down

31:21

that they create their own light. And

31:24

they're trying to kill you. Oh

31:27

I know what he's talking about. Okay.

31:30

So if I'm understanding this a

31:33

fish is like a

31:36

really long book. Okay.

31:39

I'm interested. I'd like to hear more.

31:43

Keep unpacking. So

31:45

a fish is almost like it's

31:49

got pages and like

31:51

a cover and it's like

31:53

all these dweebs are carrying them around.

31:55

You know what I mean? Going to

31:57

school. Hey pal there's a war going on.

32:01

Okay, John, I think I did a bad job there. So I think you're

32:04

going to have to step back in. No,

32:06

I mean, technically the creatures of the sea

32:08

are the most intelligent, the most sort of

32:10

studious. They've been around the

32:12

longest, so they have the sort of

32:15

longest history. Okay, so we should be

32:17

making mincemeat out of them real quick,

32:19

nerds. Yeah,

32:22

maybe, maybe. Possibly.

32:25

I suppose I could, you know, again,

32:27

I don't want to overstep my bounds

32:29

here. Say no more. I'm bounding nerds

32:31

into mincemeat. Say no more should be

32:33

making quick work of these nerds. Put

32:35

me in the deepest part of the

32:37

ocean and just let me go. Oh,

32:40

a male just fell down. Oh, he's in a hole. It's...

32:43

Why is there a hole in the far? Where

32:45

did that hole go? I've even noticed that hole

32:47

before. Ah, ah. Damn, these things just pop up

32:50

out of nowhere. There is not a millimeter of

32:52

give around him. He is perfectly in that hole.

32:54

It's his exact size. I

32:57

could magic him right out of that hole, but

32:59

I'm not going to. Okay. Let's

33:02

take another quick break and

33:05

get him out of this hole. I kind of want to

33:07

do a hole pole. A do

33:09

a what? A hole pole? What's

33:11

a hole pole? Isometric? Were you

33:13

here? It's called isometric strength training.

33:16

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hole

33:18

pole. I thought you said hole pole.

33:22

My pole. Let's take a break. Hole

33:25

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as one. You

35:55

should have just punched a wall. I've never seen him. Look

35:57

at that. He's so frustrated.

35:59

Yeah. Now. I can I

36:01

can see a thing. he sounds very reasonable.

36:03

I could just magic of both. So them

36:05

and nobody wants me. Juri Fucking Mad news

36:07

that are one to who haven't a little

36:10

mans if one person will help why do

36:12

they need is even know what about his

36:14

or get a several fighting exists in the

36:16

ocean. Current they

36:18

can see even capable of fighting or

36:20

isn't the ocean in the land? So

36:23

desperate to the power We hear you

36:25

insult these mighty more warriors that have

36:27

come here to protect and defend us.

36:30

How could they be a war? Already.

36:33

Technically you are a land creature. Okay see, are

36:35

gonna wanna, You know? make nice with these guys

36:37

because they're going to be protecting your. Her:

36:41

yeah I got a request. Magic was

36:43

if I am going to fight all

36:45

these like. Swimming. My

36:49

olive which has been my weapon of

36:52

choice to say found it and I

36:54

because throwing in a people sure. If.

36:57

Slows. I

37:00

think that might put me at a

37:02

disadvantage. Okay, I would you

37:04

like? Maybe I could just conjure up

37:06

some little swords for you the appropriately

37:08

sized ah thing and you can make

37:11

the all of a heavier are you

37:13

going to have? We are All I'm

37:15

sure. Yeah, I can see all the

37:17

magic of the world at your feet.

37:19

And you wanna heavier olives? I mean

37:21

yeah sounds. Take that them not too

37:24

heavy just because. like I still gotta

37:26

swing it. You know I'm just gonna

37:28

stick a pebble in it is you

37:30

hear when I'm in a hole in

37:32

his see and. Do with already has all

37:34

the magic of the world and you see. Them.

37:39

Oh my those those be talking

37:41

says oh. My

37:44

gosh, my So mostly Arnie you are

37:46

so sweet and since here to have

37:49

no I said it or not I

37:51

see us. I think we're just said

37:53

yeah yeah we're just aren't He loves.

37:57

other petting me you aren't like Oh

38:00

it, like that is breaking

38:02

my heart. Oh my God. And I thought

38:04

here I am thinking, this

38:07

guy's the biggest freaking jerkweed

38:09

I've ever met. Absolute,

38:13

and I don't use this phrase. I barely

38:16

even know this phrase. Juice

38:20

nozzle. I'm

38:23

thinking. Oh the

38:25

crowd just turned together. They really, they're all

38:28

giving the thumbs up. Until we, Juice

38:30

nozzle. Ass

38:33

clown. This guy, he's

38:36

absolutely the worst personality I've

38:38

ever encountered. And then you

38:40

go and say, that

38:42

Mel is all the magic in

38:45

the world. World. He's

38:47

Mel, and he's at my feet. It

38:51

is sweet. Oh my gosh.

38:53

Arnie, how do you want to handle this? Do you want to talk

38:55

when I move my mouth? Or? I'm not. Do

38:58

you want to let this go? Or do you want to

39:00

defend yourself? I think they just think you're me now. I

39:02

guess I'll just be chunt. And you're

39:05

Arnie. No, that's confusing. These guys are going

39:07

to be dead soon. I mean, come on.

39:09

Arnie! Look, it's a miracle

39:11

that they're still alive. Well these years later. They

39:13

made it out of the warrior's gym. I can't

39:16

stress to you enough how many good animals we've

39:18

lost to the warrior's gym. It's no joke. It

39:21

sounds like they went into the gym, saw

39:23

the blade, decided not to do the blade, fell

39:25

in a hole, pulled themselves out, and then came

39:27

back to this bar. Yeah, it sounds

39:29

like that, Arnie, but I'm sure there's more

39:31

to it. And actually, if you were listening,

39:33

it actually rained, and that's how we got

39:35

out. Oh, that's right. That's right. Nice

39:38

listening skills. Here, I

39:40

put a pebble in your olive. That should make it

39:42

a little heavier. Is that better? Okay, it's kind of

39:45

ripped up a little bit. How'd you put it in

39:48

there? Well, I can just go to the bar and

39:50

get another olive. Do you just want a different olive?

39:52

I'm just an olive. I mean, you sedore. I

39:55

mean, if you're going to the bar anyway, maybe

39:57

you got Mia and Mel, another round of man-tinies.

40:00

I'll get around to the man to you. What's actually I

40:02

might want to use a hold on I might all right

40:04

one of those What's in a what's in a man to

40:06

me? It's a very masculine

40:08

version of the martini Famously

40:11

feminine martini oh Yeah,

40:15

no we always say if it

40:17

ain't a man teeny. I simply can't

40:21

genie That

40:24

the margin are made are any good.

40:26

Okay. Okay. Well. They're either genies or

40:28

named genie. It's kind

40:30

of a Can't

40:33

see a bit of an ouroboros um

40:35

and also Arnie you should know that there's

40:37

these things called It's ease that

40:40

are that are sea mammals, so I don't know where

40:42

they're gonna fall But there are male versions that are

40:44

called manatees. Oh, and don't

40:46

yeah You sir. I'll take a man

40:48

teeny actually so all right three man teenies

40:50

on a do you need anything? I just said I want a

40:52

man to you. I said three yes. Oh Chunt

40:56

do you want anything um? Yeah,

40:59

Bing Bong. I'll have a I'll

41:01

have a King's juice with a bit

41:04

of raspberry something like that It's

41:07

pretty good He's

41:09

leaving I thought he could do magic and

41:11

stuff. He's just gonna go get the

41:13

drinks Yeah, I don't really

41:16

get this guy's whole thing man. I think

41:19

it's sort of poor form to Sort

41:21

of magic cocktails when you're in a bar if that makes sense

41:24

kind of making the bar lose out on info Okay,

41:27

right all right. I

41:29

think I just okay do whatever yeah do

41:32

whatever I mean I don't really know

41:34

if I want to get business with this guy Here's

41:36

your King's juice and three man teenies. I walked over

41:38

to the bar I cast a magical spell and made

41:41

these appear out of nowhere and then carried

41:43

them back over here Can you

41:45

pour? My man teeny into

41:47

my little hole please and so I

41:49

will float out and then I

41:51

will Drink some

41:54

okay here you go there you are it

42:00

out and popped right into the hole that you said

42:02

are punched in the wall. Yeah. Perfect fit again. Ugh!

42:05

This medtee doesn't taste like medcee-go

42:07

at all! Oh,

42:10

I'm so sorry. Let

42:13

me fix that with my magical spell. Oh,

42:16

dee-wah-shoo-ree-wah-wah-wah-wah-tinkala-ha-ra-chah-ta-ka-r. How's it

42:19

taste now? Um,

42:24

kind of tastes

42:27

like Gruyere. I'm almost wondering if

42:29

this guy doesn't know the difference

42:31

between medcee-go and Gruyere. I know

42:33

the difference between how dare you!

42:35

It's tasting a little like a

42:37

Gru-teedy. Ugh. Of

42:40

course. I know every cheese. I know all of

42:42

the cheeses. I remember everything I eat. Well,

42:44

so you studied under the

42:46

Cheese Whiz, right? In the great halls of Trochus?

42:49

Yes. Oh, yes. One of

42:51

the most powerful wizards was the Cheese Whiz. Pat,

42:53

do you know what we've been? Pepperjack. Pepperjack!

42:56

Mm-hmm. Yes, many,

42:58

many amazing spells. Especially

43:01

food-related spells I learned from the Cheese Whiz.

43:05

You know, Pepperjack the Orange. And

43:07

it was incredible, an incredible

43:09

time to be

43:11

a wizard learning under the tutelage of

43:13

one of the all-time greats. Wait, so

43:16

this whole time could you have just

43:18

made spiced potatoes? Yes.

43:21

Yes, but now I'm hearing that when I cast

43:23

magical spells, people don't want me to do it.

43:26

And when I don't cast them, people do want me to do

43:28

it. So I'm getting mixed signals here. Mm-hmm.

43:31

I sort of feel like... Oh, honey. If

43:34

we're... Yes. Yes,

43:36

but now I'm hearing that when I cast magical

43:38

spells, people don't want me to do it. And

43:41

when I don't cast them, people do want me to do

43:43

it. So I'm getting mixed signals here. Mm-hmm.

43:46

I sort of feel like... Oh, honey. If

43:48

we're on the same team, maybe we can help

43:50

each other. We all team up.

43:53

I think it could be good for all of

43:55

our self-esteem, our

43:58

reputation. Is

44:00

there a way the three

44:03

of us can unite and

44:05

form and a more powerful

44:07

warrior than each of us could be

44:10

individually? Mm-hmm, and I'm picturing

44:12

the same thing. I of

44:15

course would be the face

44:17

part of the warrior. Okay.

44:21

Any debate here? I'll hear other

44:23

arguments. I think I could be

44:25

a pretty enticing

44:28

ab. Okay.

44:31

One ab? One ab? Yeah,

44:34

I mean, just look at me. I mean, you know,

44:36

I'm not out here trying to think

44:38

I could, you know, be two

44:40

abs. Like, I'm an ab. So

44:44

the other person would have to be who? Neck,

44:47

torso, five other

44:49

abs, buttocks, thighs, leg, feet, hands,

44:52

arms? Let me propose this. Mort,

44:54

I tie you to the front of my face. I

44:58

am on board so far. I don't need to

45:00

hear another word. He already is on

45:02

board. Look at him scramble up there. There he is.

45:05

Whoa! Mel, you just sit

45:07

here. You sit right here next

45:09

to my scabbard, right where

45:11

my ab would be. Here I

45:13

am. I'm nestled in. And

45:17

I will cast incredible fireball spells

45:19

and use my magical

45:21

sword and my great magical powers

45:23

to strike down dragons or whales fighting

45:25

pelicans. And we'll probably clip some stuff too.

45:27

Yeah, we'll probably clip, chip clip somebody's nose.

45:29

Yeah, you chip clip things, hit things with

45:31

the olives, do whatever you're doing. And do

45:33

whatever you're doing. To the kisser. Yeah,

45:36

and I'll just keep fighting things. And

45:39

that way together. You get chippy? We get

45:41

clippy. Mm-hmm. That's

45:44

something we've been working on. That's good.

45:46

And Morgan will say that. He's the face. I'll

45:49

say that. And then I got one where I say where

45:52

I go, you probably

45:54

think that when we fight, you'll

45:56

live. But actually, I'll live. That's

46:03

really good. Maybe for the land team, maybe

46:06

one of those sayings on the front of the shirt,

46:08

one of the sayings on the back perhaps, both on

46:10

the side, we'll figure it out.

46:13

It's nice to be intimidating, right, before you even

46:15

go home. I like that, yeah.

46:18

Yeah, we're getting clippy. You get chippy, we

46:20

get clippy. That's when we're

46:22

coming at you. And then you're leaving and you're

46:24

dying and you go, and it's like, and by

46:26

the way, I'll live. And I

46:28

don't know exactly how we're writing it out. Maybe there's a picture of

46:30

it all. It's got to be a long

46:32

t-shirt. Yeah. It's a lot

46:35

of text on a t-shirt. It's

46:37

basically a fish-length t-shirt. Yeah,

46:40

it would be a fish-length t-shirt. That's

46:42

true. Part

46:45

of me wonders though, do you

46:47

even need me? Aren't I just a crutch? Wouldn't

46:50

I just be getting in your way

46:52

when you are swinging your olive and

46:54

you're clipping your chips? Don't

46:57

you want the freedom to

46:59

move forward as yourselves and to strike

47:02

out mightily on your own? I don't

47:04

want to hold you back. It's

47:06

tickling my feet when you're talking because I'm stuck

47:08

to your face. Right. So

47:11

when you're talking, your beard tickles by

47:13

little mole feet. Right. What

47:18

were you asking? Oh, I was

47:20

just wondering if I was holding you back.

47:24

I was just wondering if you'd talk or

47:26

feeling you talk really. I feel good.

47:30

You start. I don't think you

47:32

can really commit to having a mole strapped

47:34

to your face. All the length

47:36

of this war. Who knows how long it's going to last. I

47:40

suppose that's true. Yes,

47:43

I'm sorry, Mel and Mort. I

47:46

have to decline your offer though. We would

47:48

become a mighty being composed

47:50

of three pots. It

47:54

just isn't meant to be. Are

47:56

there any other animals around the tavern that you'd

47:58

want to combine with? Oh, shit. Yeah,

48:04

Chunt. Stop being such an idiot,

48:06

Awni. And we heard how we

48:08

heard your role in that, Chunt.

48:10

Talking him out of it. Okay.

48:13

Yeah. Somebody wants an ab or

48:15

himself. It sounds like not happening.

48:17

Mm hmm. Yeah. Second

48:19

you get out, oh, maybe I'll be the ab. So

48:23

transparent. Oh, so

48:25

frustrating combined with another animal. You'd be the worst.

48:28

I'm not really in the mood to combine

48:30

with an animal anymore. Oh,

48:32

not around you. Not after today.

48:34

No, thanks. Not really in

48:37

the mood. Thanks. Very

48:39

considerate of you to ask. It's

48:41

funny because he's getting chippy. Yeah,

48:44

no offense. You're just getting a little chippy. Oh, yeah.

48:46

Well, you and you want to get clippy. I

48:49

know. No, thank you. That's right. Because

48:52

if you do, I'll live. Yeah. Oh,

48:55

just smack each door in the face with

48:57

an olive. Ha. That's fine. Wow. You

48:59

pass that back to me. Yeah. There

49:02

you go. Hey, is

49:04

that is that do you have to do that a

49:06

lot when you're battling? You throw the olive and then

49:08

you have to. Yeah, I kind of need them and

49:10

give it back. Yeah. Well, help, well, help. Yeah,

49:12

a lot of little help. I need

49:15

help getting the chip clip opened. Mm

49:17

hmm. So hard to open. And

49:21

then I'm like, can you just put your face

49:23

in there, please? You sure you don't want little

49:26

swords? Appropriately sized swords. You're

49:28

sticking with all of the chip clip. We

49:31

use those that's canon. We use a

49:34

little cocktail sword to get a little

49:36

cocktail sword. And we would carry those

49:38

around and that you didn't like either,

49:40

as I recall. Well, I'm just

49:42

but now I'm looking at the chip clip and all of them.

49:44

I'm like, what is that? What is

49:47

this? This is nothing. I'm sorry.

49:49

More. No, here. Look at it. Really close. Here. Look

49:51

at it. Here. Look at the chip. Yeah, you're looking

49:53

at it. I'm not sure you're

49:55

going to get it. I'm sorry. Oh, oh, oh,

49:57

oh, oh, oh, oh.

50:00

Ezer, you pushed that open yourself. Thank

50:02

you. I'm trying to build up that coffin.

50:05

I see, I see. Fuck. Is

50:08

it possible, Melon-Mord? I like you two very

50:10

much. Is it possible you're both just not

50:13

cut out to be warriors? I

50:15

mean, you're moles. You're just sort

50:17

of small, oddly shaped

50:19

animals. Oh, Chunt. That's

50:22

the rudest thing you've ever said on this podcast. Chunt,

50:25

you sad fuck. This frigging

50:27

guy, never in

50:29

his life read a celebrity

50:31

memoir. Doesn't know

50:33

that being a dreamer is the most

50:36

powerful trait a person can have. Even

50:38

imagine living like that. Even

50:41

a mole can have big

50:44

dreams. You know, when

50:46

I see a mole warrior

50:49

out there, and yes, there are many,

50:51

it's not just us, and

50:54

they're out there doing damage,

50:57

just swaying in that thing. Whether

50:59

it's an olive, a chip

51:02

clip, part of

51:04

a label for something, a tag

51:07

from a shirt, maybe

51:11

like a shoelace. What

51:13

else can moles use? It could be a little,

51:17

like a wire, like a charger for something.

51:20

When I see them out there. We

51:23

go to town. Doggle, oh, do not

51:25

get dongled. The death dongle. When

51:27

I see them out there, and then somebody

51:30

says, oh, whoa, how

51:33

can they do that? How can they be warriors

51:35

like that? I think the

51:37

better question is, what could

51:39

have stopped them? They're

51:41

dreamers. Wow. Really,

51:47

really makes you think, doesn't it? That's

51:50

beautiful. Makes me want to write a memo. Oh,

51:53

Chant, how could you have been so rude to

51:55

crush the dreams of these

51:57

two incredible mighty molar warriors?

52:01

I guess I was just I'm sorry you

52:03

can't you can't do it our dreams are

52:05

uncrushable and also because we kind of fell

52:07

down on The whole like the entire foot

52:09

just comes down on the above hole really

52:11

hard to crush you'll get stuck Yeah, so

52:13

good luck crushing us because then you're basically

52:15

stuck You're stuck

52:17

every time I get crushed. I go smart.

52:20

That was a trap. You're stuck I Take

52:23

your foot home now take your foot home with

52:25

me. That's mine. Bye We've been

52:27

out with it once again by these

52:30

two crafty warriors Yeah,

52:32

I feel like they're gonna be put

52:34

to good use either as sort of Strategists,

52:37

you know coming up with battle plans

52:39

or maybe or a t-shirt T-shirt

52:42

biz Crafty actually you

52:45

call this crafty warriors. I am

52:47

making bracelets. I'm making charm bracelets

52:49

I don't think I find in

52:51

the woods. I I

52:53

think they're beautiful. They're kitschy

52:56

Rustic, you know, we call

52:58

them harm bracelets. Oh War

53:03

baby most of their meant

53:05

for your enemies before you battle or They

53:09

are I mean, you know whoever's buying we don't

53:11

want to like cut the audience in half Unless

53:14

they are our enemies in which case we do want

53:16

to cut them in half birds by sneakers, too Is

53:18

what I like to say? Yeah That's

53:20

not I'm not gonna hold

53:23

it again. So is it possible? We're making a mistake

53:25

by taking our passion and turning it into a business

53:27

Like is that gonna just sort of make us not

53:29

love our passion as much anymore Which

53:31

part of this was our passion? Yes, we asked in

53:34

what? This is an

53:36

open. Oh, so what's this are you hear all

53:38

these ours? our

53:41

business Oh Right,

53:43

I believe I'm for shame

53:45

and shunt contributed nothing until

53:47

it's time to yeah Take

53:50

ownership of it my day all the

53:52

sudden he's here early Damn

53:56

dude, very very

53:58

frustrating just It's like, let

54:02

me get me some of this, right?

54:04

Why don't you start thinking about what you

54:07

can bring to the business. Have

54:09

one idea, I dare you. Yeah,

54:12

that's right, Chunt. I'm gonna go out

54:14

back and build a tiny little merch

54:17

table with my

54:19

woodworking skills, and then

54:21

I'm going to conjure a sign that goes on it

54:23

that says T-shirts for sale. I'm

54:25

gonna do this sign. I'm just gonna build the table.

54:27

I'm just trying to talk. I'm just trying to figure

54:30

out when

54:33

is the magic and when, you know, it's

54:36

just kind of hard to track. I'm also

54:38

getting lost. I could magic the

54:40

table and conjure the sign, I guess, if

54:42

you want it that way. I mean, that's

54:44

easier at least. You imagine that's the easier

54:46

version of the two. Okay. I

54:50

just feel like you're making it a little harder than it

54:52

needs to be for our business. No. Again

54:55

with our business. Chunt, these two are

54:57

the mercenaries, okay? They're the ones who

54:59

came up with it. All

55:01

right. Ooh, I like that. Merchionaries,

55:04

Arnie. Very good. Merchionaries.

55:07

Arnie's so funny. Arnie's

55:10

hilarious, dude. I'm

55:12

loving it. I

55:15

waited all my life to hear that. Ooh, suddenly

55:17

everyone's facing me in the bar. This is,

55:20

ooh, I feel powerful. I could

55:23

say anything. Arnie. Arnie.

55:26

Arnie. Arnie. Chunt,

55:28

what are you doing? Get out of here. They're calling my

55:31

name. I'm fine. Good

55:33

luck. I'm going back to the wander loss across

55:35

the street. It's a non-animal bar. Good

55:38

luck fighting fish and birds and stuff.

55:40

I don't think you guys are ever gonna find those things.

55:42

Wow. I don't think you've ever seen a fish in your

55:44

life, nor will you ever. Really minimizing the

55:47

severity here. Good luck fighting those fish or

55:49

whatever. I mean, I didn't have to explain

55:51

what the ocean was. The guy

55:53

owned me with the information that we already gave

55:55

that we don't know what a fish is. I

55:59

don't think you've ever seen. Oh

56:01

really? Where'd you get that idea from

56:03

the whole fucking conversation? We

56:07

learned already that's not

56:09

even a threat to fissure light

56:11

work They're freaking nerds take me

56:13

to the deepest part and

56:15

drop me down there Don't think often

56:18

heavy to swing not a good idea

56:21

Usador I'm sorry look Usador.

56:23

Maybe this is the time grant their wish

56:26

Magic them to the deep to the deepest

56:28

part of the ocean with something heavy and

56:30

go baby Give

56:33

them like a breathable bubble or like

56:35

a glass All

56:40

right, all right chucks, Aunty I I'm

56:43

gonna check with Morton Mel one last time

56:46

is what you really want For

56:49

me to use my magic to send you to

56:51

now. Oh, sorry. Sorry Wow.

56:53

Oh you saw her disgusting Come

56:56

on John what do you think about that? Somehow

56:59

he saw that you were wrong. He though

57:02

he was looking in the opposite direction Look,

57:05

uh, if you really want me

57:07

to magic you into the deepest darkest part of the ocean

57:09

while you're holding something heavy. I Suppose

57:12

I can do that. Is that

57:14

what you really want? Let me away. I'm having

57:16

I'm having little second thoughts here Let me just

57:18

think Can we

57:20

do it in a way so that

57:22

I have like a lot of extra

57:25

downward velocity Mm-hmm.

57:27

Go away Imagine

57:31

this Imagine this I

57:34

use my magic to conjure you into the middle

57:36

of the air above The

57:38

middle of the ocean the deepest part of

57:40

the ocean they could find some birds on

57:42

the way down you plummet downward Yeah fighting

57:45

a word Lance off them fighting birds the

57:47

whole way holding the heaviest Weapons you've ever

57:49

held in your life the heaviest solid the

57:52

heaviest chip clip you hell

57:54

and held Maybe they're somehow soldered

57:56

to my limbs so that I can't

57:58

let go of them. You can not let go of them.

58:00

They fuse to your body

58:03

and you beat birds asses the whole

58:05

way down. Then you plummet, crash through

58:07

the water, going faster and faster,

58:09

picking up speed even though the water is

58:11

giving you so much resistance but you have

58:14

done so much amazing whole work that you're

58:16

too powerful for even the water to stop

58:18

you. And then when you reach the bottom

58:20

there's the darkest most terrifying

58:22

octopus you've ever seen. An eight-legged, eight-tentacled

58:24

monster coming right at you and you

58:27

just beat his ass. How

58:29

does that sound? Swinging that thing. Did you say

58:31

that they make their own light down there? They

58:34

do, yes a lot of them do. Could one

58:36

of those just be kind of hanging out? Yeah

58:39

there'll be one right there just to help you

58:41

see stuff. Okay, that would be amazing. Can I

58:43

get my own light? Yeah

58:45

you can use your own light. K-Smele

58:47

blocks my light. Sure of course, yeah

58:50

we get you your own light. Okay,

58:53

so two lights. Okay. I'm a little,

58:55

in case I get cold feet, can

58:57

we put some kind of cap on

59:00

top of the ocean, some kind of

59:02

seal just so I don't you

59:05

know freak out and try to pop back up?

59:08

Oh you want it to be impossible to get back

59:10

out of the ocean. Yeah

59:12

I want to put an eventually a lid on

59:14

the ocean. Big lid on the ocean. Okay yeah

59:17

we can do that. I think we can do

59:19

that. Are you both ready? Sorry,

59:21

in case I get cold feet, could I

59:23

have some kind of cap

59:26

on my feet something like heavy

59:28

metal? Yeah big heavy metal

59:30

boots. Yeah we can do big heavy

59:32

metal boots. That would be so warm.

59:35

Okay great. Oh and

59:37

here's your... Yeah yeah. Can

59:40

I be a blonde? Yeah

59:42

no problem. Happy to do that. I

59:45

heard they have more fun. Yeah that's true. Okay here

59:47

we go. Can

59:52

I make a request? Sure. I

59:54

mean war is a very you know it's a

59:56

very serious time. Creatures die all the time so

59:58

if they're risking their lives... Usur could you make

1:00:00

their arms longer or hands bigger so they could sit on

1:00:03

their own hands? Just

1:00:05

to get that sensation once in their lives. Oh I

1:00:08

land so hard on the bottom of the

1:00:10

ocean on my own hand Okay,

1:00:13

sure. We can do all that that can all be

1:00:15

done What a feeling

1:00:18

the hand that slayed the

1:00:20

octopus thingy and I'm

1:00:22

sitting on it Oh

1:00:24

Run a little rush and I

1:00:26

understand we do have weapons suit your door

1:00:29

hands, but I'd say yeah So and I'm

1:00:31

blonde and you're blonde for sure All

1:00:34

right. I'm gonna use it where I have yeah.

1:00:36

Yeah, sure I'm them with like a remote mic

1:00:38

just so we can just

1:00:41

so you can hear them Like I'm

1:00:43

sure it'll once they hit the

1:00:45

water, you know, it'll it'll fret down But

1:00:48

maybe we could hear a little bit of a fall She'll

1:00:50

make one of those those Super Bowls that you made

1:00:52

for the monkeys Like you know, I'm talking about

1:00:55

the Super Monkey Bowl the thing that goes

1:00:57

around them where they can wear monkey ball.

1:00:59

Yes Yeah, I made those. Yeah, fine. Let

1:01:02

me cast this spell. I gotta remember how this

1:01:04

one goes. Yes Okay,

1:01:06

yes Are

1:01:09

you both ready? Yeah, let

1:01:11

me remember Tronka

1:01:16

saucer topper stock Nash

1:01:20

All Oh Claro

1:01:27

whoa, they turned slightly more blonde now the rest

1:01:30

of it I Go

1:01:34

the weapons For

1:01:44

longer Wow, oh, but wait the the weapons

1:01:46

are sutured to their hands now They can't

1:01:48

sit on their own hands or they could

1:01:50

but it would hurt. No, I I established

1:01:52

earlier than you that don't know We're all

1:01:57

Just it's not a big deal it just feels a

1:01:59

little special that you made both of

1:02:01

us but whatever like I guess or maybe

1:02:03

the light just ain't catching mel a certain

1:02:05

way I can't tell and

1:02:07

this is the last part of the spell that

1:02:10

will make you appear in the middle of the

1:02:12

air above the ocean hello hello oh they're

1:02:17

my I can hear them sorry they're my I

1:02:19

can call you aren't you good yeah we'll wait

1:02:21

to hear this water that once once once they

1:02:23

hit the

1:02:32

water the spell automatically puts a lid on the

1:02:34

ocean yeah

1:02:43

they're gonna

1:02:46

be there they

1:02:51

keep yelling let's go what

1:02:55

does that even mean that's a nothing phrase

1:02:57

let's go what is

1:03:01

cold but maybe I'm

1:03:03

pretty sure they're screaming let's fucking

1:03:05

go let's go let's go what

1:03:07

is what does that mean well

1:03:13

we didn't learn anything but what's

1:03:18

new yes

1:03:31

we didn't learn anything and if you're

1:03:33

back here in a week listening to

1:03:36

another episode neither did you use it

1:03:39

or the wizard was played by

1:03:41

Matt young chunk the talking badger

1:03:43

was played by Adderall refi Mel

1:03:45

mole and more sauce the mole

1:03:47

warriors were played by special guests

1:03:49

Hayes Davenport and Sean Clemens from

1:03:51

the podcast Hollywood handbook check out

1:03:53

Hollywood handbook wherever you listen to

1:03:55

podcasts hello from the magic tavern

1:03:57

is an independent production made possible

1:03:59

by Supporters of the Magic

1:04:01

Tavern Patreon. Complicated individuals, each

1:04:03

with their own hopes, dreams,

1:04:05

flaws, character arcs. I'm

1:04:08

talking about people like...

1:04:10

Zayn Culvey House the

1:04:12

Oth White, aka Saruman

1:04:14

before rewrites, Aaron Brixius,

1:04:16

Natalie N. George, Wesley

1:04:18

Kohar, River Wolf Taylor,

1:04:20

aka Hero of Wind

1:04:22

in the Willows before

1:04:24

rewrites, Brian Shavinsky, Jonathan

1:04:27

from Quebec, Travis Tackett,

1:04:29

Cheddar, Sammy Scahawk, Frederick

1:04:31

Green, Brandon, Ren, Graham

1:04:35

Potter, Brittany Vincent, Courtney,

1:04:37

Kate VP, Jason

1:04:39

the Normal Guy, Appreciate the Honesty

1:04:42

Jason, Alex of the Wigger Park,

1:04:44

and Kyle Cozy Molidor. Patrons get

1:04:46

ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and

1:04:48

at least two new bonus episodes

1:04:51

each month! To learn more about

1:04:53

supporting the show, visit patreon.com/Magic Tavern.

1:04:55

Hello from the Magic Tavern is

1:04:57

produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young,

1:05:00

and Adil Raffae. Post-production coordination

1:05:02

by Garrett Schultz, associate producer

1:05:04

Anna Hauberman. This episode edited

1:05:06

by Red Keener. Hello from

1:05:08

the Magic Tavern logo by

1:05:10

Allard Lebann. Magic Tavern theme

1:05:12

by Andy Poland. The

1:05:15

Magic Tavern theme by Andy

1:05:18

Poland. Nancy's

1:05:22

love story could have been ripped right out

1:05:24

of the painting.