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at moonpig.com. Hello

1:09

and welcome to Help I Sexed My Boss,

1:11

the podcast where we help you navigate the

1:13

challenges of modern life, answering

1:16

your 21st century questions and finding

1:18

solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, does

1:21

it matter that after a colonic, I go

1:23

straight back on the sesh? Honestly,

1:27

it's like leaking a radiator. There's

1:30

an image none of us wanted. Goes down one hole when you get

1:33

one of them. Is

1:36

it okay to use the sex of tours to warm

1:38

up to a solo tour across the UK? I mean,

1:40

across the UK is cutting it a bit. I'm

1:43

doing the three cities in which I have lived.

1:47

Across the UK. Across

1:49

England, to be fair. There's

1:51

nothing in Scotland away. Pushing it slightly,

1:53

isn't it? It's

1:56

not doing that well. And... You're

1:59

right. Do you want

2:01

to shut your face, both of them? Let

2:05

me know when you're on solo tour. Oh,

2:07

I will. And

2:09

what should you do if you've accidentally

2:14

sexed your boss, but we're not usually

2:16

like any ants. Oi, William Hansen, the

2:18

UK's leading etiquette expert. No,

2:20

we're not. Jordan North, radio presenter. I'm

2:22

more avant-garde. You're more avant-gottered clue. Oh,

2:25

very good. That's from Helen Harrison. Helen.

2:27

Harrison Helen, thank you very much. Yes,

2:30

thank you for that. Should we have a G&D? Oh,

2:33

yeah, a wise eye got them. What? Because

2:36

you broke the other glass. Those beakers that we've

2:38

got here, they used to get them in school.

2:40

Yeah. And then I've seen Nigella Lawson

2:42

drinking red wine out of one. Oh, yeah, now they're

2:44

cool. And now I think it's really cool and chic.

2:46

No. So I'm going to

2:48

get some. No, no, no, don't. Don't. You

2:51

know, like when you see the Spanish or French drinking it just

2:53

straight out of a beaker and you rip a bit of bread

2:55

off and dip it into olive oil. It

2:58

feels like forever that we have done

3:00

this properly in the studio. I've got

3:02

down the day because I'm meeting my

3:05

boss after this today, so I don't want me

3:07

half-caught on the way there. Okay. Okay.

3:10

Here we go. Oh,

3:13

oh, it's a screw. Sorry.

3:17

It looks like a poppy one, but it's not. Poppy

3:20

one. Who should we

3:22

toast to? I think, well, why

3:24

don't we toast to your friends, Scott and

3:26

Sam, who got married at the weekend. Oh,

3:28

yes. Scott and Sam. To

3:30

Scott and Sam Mills. Oh, is,

3:32

is... I don't know, actually. Well, then maybe don't

3:34

say. Just to Sam and Scott. To Sam and

3:36

Scott. Oh, that's

3:40

nice. Oh. Thank you,

3:42

Mass, for getting eyes for us this week as well, because

3:44

we don't normally do the eyes, but Mass has gone out

3:46

to get it. Mass, you've come again. Thank you. This

3:49

weekend, just a little bit more tour news,

3:51

we're hopping across the Irish Sea for the

3:54

second leg of our tour. Well, the Tingos

3:56

race will be in

3:58

the Mandel Hall in Belfast. I'm

4:01

doing my Irish.

4:04

No, what's he called? The

4:06

one that fatty fell fancy. He's played

4:08

Conor. Oh yeah,

4:11

Paul Mezcal. Well

4:13

the thing is, Mary Ann White, the

4:15

thing is I'm in love. We shut up mumbling! We'll

4:18

be in the Mandela Hall in Belfast on Friday and

4:21

then we're off to Dublin's Three

4:24

Olympia Theatre on Saturday. We could

4:26

get in the first two. Oh

4:28

it started! So

4:32

yeah. Lovely. Yes, you can make sure you keep

4:34

an eye on our socials if you're coming along.

4:36

All the information will be there and watch out

4:38

for Jordan on Temple Bar on Saturday. I wish

4:40

I knew what that meant but I've

4:43

read it anyway. No, it's yeah, we'll

4:46

be out in Temple Bar. Temple Bar.

4:48

Is that the gay bit? No, it's

4:50

the toy. Any gene

4:54

diva seaming Temple Bar by me

4:56

and it sounds like the Guinness Show. Which also, lot of people film

4:58

that on phone. Yes, I don't want

5:00

to break it to you but every time when I

5:02

went and stood at the back of the stage just

5:04

so that Jordan had his moment, I

5:06

could look out at the audience and just see a sea

5:08

of mobile phones pointing.

5:11

It's alright,

5:14

I've got my council bag under my bed. A

5:17

go bag? Yeah, you know

5:20

like robbers and burglars have. Yes. And

5:22

criminals. They have a bag full of

5:24

money and passports and stuff. That's what's happened to me

5:26

when I get cancelled. Okay, I'm just going to go

5:28

off in distance. And

5:30

drink Paseco with me mum. So anyway, we can't wait to

5:33

be in Belfast in Dublin. We're looking forward to it. Yeah.

5:35

Yes, good job you're not having a colonic

5:37

this week. Oh God. We're at Guinness. No.

5:40

Like a best sewer pipe, weren't

5:42

it? Sorry. There's

5:45

end of pier and then there's this. There

5:48

is. We're off the pier. Yeah. Anyway, there's

5:50

chatty bits here. How's your week been? I

5:54

said that on Friday. Yeah, I know. I'm saying it again on Tuesday.

5:56

You are in command. You just read whatever it says in front of

5:58

you. Oh, did you not hear what I said? I'm the Yeah,

6:00

yeah, of course. No, you

6:02

haven't been listening, have you? I have. I

6:05

said there's a Sharon Plume coming. I don't

6:07

even know what you mean. It's a Haran place. Oh,

6:12

and is it best to go and love

6:14

this? Because the show's not scripted, but there's just

6:16

little intro bits for like the top of

6:18

ours. Chassis bits. Yeah, no, no, it's

6:20

not scripted, but I'll say like little pumps and

6:22

stuff. And I said, I'll work

6:25

with Capitol Bet first with Jordan, Chris and Sean, time

6:27

check, and coming up. And

6:29

I said, I said time check instead of

6:31

actually reading out the time. Well, you've

6:33

been very tired. Yeah, I have. Never

6:35

mind. Can we talk

6:38

about the etiquette of voice memos? You

6:41

mean sending a voice message on what's that? Yes.

6:44

We've talked about this before. Yes, I know. Don't

6:46

send them. No. You know I

6:48

love a voice memo. Yeah, I just... I do,

6:50

however. We've put this in our book, Paperback Out.

6:52

There's a reason why Kate Fishelton hasn't got a

6:54

podcast, because she sends one to me every morning.

6:58

Honestly, she looks clean in toilet

7:00

while speaking to me. We've talked

7:02

a lot about voice memos. We

7:04

say in the book, if you're going to send

7:06

a voice memo, also put the little subject line,

7:09

you know, this is about tomorrow's meeting, or that's

7:11

the party. Yeah. But do

7:13

not record a voice memo when

7:16

you are on your headphones walking down the

7:18

street. Yes. Because nobody can

7:20

hear it. Right, also...

7:22

Yes, you see, I knew this would get you animated.

7:25

If... If you text into the

7:27

radio station and we politely call you back and

7:29

ask you to come over here, because your text

7:31

is so good, don't have us on loudspeaker, don't

7:34

go into a corridor that's echoey, and don't put

7:36

us on headphones. Yes. Alright,

7:38

woke me up. In fact, if I

7:40

ever stand for office, which,

7:42

as life goes on, is becoming highly

7:45

likely, I will ban the

7:47

speakerphone function on all technology. There

7:50

is no need for a speakerphone function. You

7:53

don't need to listen to your music out loud,

7:55

you don't need to make calls out loud on

7:57

public transport, you don't need to

7:59

do voice-overs. Voice memos on loud or

8:01

on headphones? No. What about if you're

8:03

filming The Apprentice? Well,

8:06

that's probably not going to be a concern for

8:08

most people for much longer. That's our last speaker.

8:10

Yeah, they started it. To be fair, phones get

8:12

hot, so I can understand why people sort of

8:14

maybe do want to sort of take it away.

8:17

But you can still sort of record the voice memo

8:20

with the phone microphone up to your lips, which is

8:22

what normal people do. You're mocking someone. You put them

8:24

on last week and go. Yeah. Someone

8:27

else next year. Well, it's not polite to mock people,

8:29

Jordan. Let's keep a leaf with your pucker. What

8:32

else have been going on?

8:35

I've insulted my neighbour again. Different neighbour though. Which

8:37

one? So you may remember a few

8:39

months ago, Izzy, my neighbour, I'll

8:41

name her again, came

8:43

back at about lunchtime and I went, oh, been to

8:45

the gym because she looked a bit sort of clammy.

8:48

She hadn't. Yeah.

8:50

And I've now done it to her lovely husband,

8:52

Dom, who was walking down the street at about

8:55

11.30 a.m. one morning. I was walking back up the street

8:57

from the tube and I looked at

8:59

him and went, oh, you look very relaxed. Day

9:02

off. He was going into work. What

9:04

was he doing? Something

9:09

in insurance. But

9:11

yeah, I was... That's the felony. Yes. Yeah,

9:14

exactly. I felt terrible. He

9:17

went, no, I'm going into work. And then I

9:19

sort of did a lot of backpedalling. Well, you

9:21

just obviously must enjoy your job. You just... Oh,

9:24

God. You're just down days, you know, that sort of thing.

9:27

So I'm just... It's probably better if I say

9:29

nothing. They're actually moving. Oh, are they? Yes. I

9:33

don't know why. Can't work that out. But we'll greatly...

9:35

They're only moving two streets away, so I'll still have

9:37

opportunity to insult them. Also

9:39

my Instagram algorithm, I don't

9:41

know about you, it's just showing me cake. Cake.

9:44

Cake, things that you can bake, sugar-eat treats.

9:47

And it was only the other day when it

9:50

was serving me pano milky bar that

9:52

I decided, yeah, doesn't that sound nice? And

9:54

I just... That's all it shows me. I

9:57

don't see anyone else's stuff. I just see.

10:00

Pano milky bar. It's where you get

10:02

pre-rolled pan of chocolate pastry, stick

10:05

a milky bar in it, egg wash, air

10:07

fryer for 15 minutes on 200, delish. Oh,

10:10

okay. Yes, I got Kinder Buena

10:12

crepes the other day. Nice,

10:14

yeah. I'm back into Buenas at home.

10:16

Are you? Yeah, apparently if you freeze them

10:19

as well, I'm going to try this. They're like ice creams. Oh,

10:21

okay. Yeah. You love my

10:23

Bueno when we were on

10:25

tour. Yes. You are my Buenos

10:28

more than... I used to think I didn't like

10:30

Buenos. No. But

10:32

thanks to my Instagram algorithm, I now do. You love

10:34

a Bueno now. I don't love it. It's not my

10:36

go-to chocolate bar like you. A Bueno? No.

10:40

You do love a Bueno. I would rather

10:42

have... What is my favourite

10:44

chocolate bar? Yeah, what is your favourite chocolate

10:46

bar? Dairy milk caramel. Oh, that's

10:48

amazing. My friends James

10:51

and George, who now live in Chicago, when they lived

10:53

in Manchester and they came for dinner, they got me...

10:55

This is Pete Gay. They got me four

10:58

dairy milk caramels stacked, you know, like the big

11:00

bars. But they wrapped it up in brown paper

11:02

tied up with string because it's one of my

11:05

favourite things. Sound of music. I

11:09

got the reference. Okay. That's sweet. It's

11:11

nice. That's really sweet. Yeah. Ben's

11:14

looking very concerned. What's my favourite after Bueno? I

11:17

love a whisper. Sorry.

11:20

I love a whisper. Okay. I

11:23

like... Where

11:26

do you stand on a chocolate finger? Yeah.

11:28

I've not had one for years, though. No. I've

11:31

got to say, yeah. Have you not? Not since the colonic. No.

11:33

What else have we... I love

11:35

biscuits. No, I don't... I can't stand

11:37

biscuits. Biscuits. Anyway, we won't do biscuit chat.

11:39

How are you? Yeah, all good.

11:41

What's going on in Little Jordan Land?

11:46

Little Jordan Land. Little Jordan Land's getting a bit aggy at

11:48

the moment. Stop. You're not, are you? Two

11:51

months in. And I like to think I'm a

11:53

nice guy, and I'm happy to go lucky, and,

11:56

you know, smiley and stuff. Well, continue

11:58

to think, then. Well, thank you. But

12:00

like two months in now and a

12:02

lot of like I

12:05

got a taxi over day I said Waterloo, he's

12:07

at station. I said well a bit late for

12:10

fucking battle Wow

12:22

As a joker said on Instagram, but okay No,

12:25

it's good. I've got a good credit to I'll

12:28

find out I've already got a Joey Joe because I

12:30

wait for it. Oh, I'll give credit to that But

12:32

but it's pretty much I had a bit of a

12:34

meltdown yesterday so I Got

12:38

home and I'm tired and you come you don't

12:40

mean to be and I dropped yogurt and when

12:42

you drop yogurt It went all up me Yeah,

12:45

it was like it was it's black on my

12:47

face all the old girls Just that one's it

12:50

is that you would put the team at school.

12:52

It's everything So

12:55

that was that and then I put

12:57

I put this glass bottle that I

13:00

keep in fridge You also put it in fridge and it's

13:02

smashed as I put it into Oh

13:05

Wi-Fi won't work. I said I'm going for

13:07

a walk So I was getting like literally

13:09

slamming doors getting hang of it all those

13:11

thick stone walls in namuna objects Whatever they

13:14

call I went to Sainsbury's and then my

13:16

patient really was self-checkout So

13:18

I get some bits and put them through and then one of

13:20

them won't way Puts

13:24

it through them Shopping

13:38

on till I said lad we're just looking at me

13:40

and I was right Um, so I'm

13:42

sorry to that guy who was really I didn't swear at him

13:44

I won't abuse it to staff and never do that. I just

13:46

went right fuck it and stormed off Some

13:49

getting a bit Aggie. I've

13:51

started noticing getting a bit short with people. Okay.

13:53

So yeah, so yeah gotten if you're getting bit

13:55

short Yeah

14:00

Also, two to Jordan nil

14:02

to William this week. What? First of

14:04

all, I'm just seeing a guy outside

14:06

when I'm away anyway. He records the

14:08

podcast there. I was like, yeah. He's

14:10

like, oh, what's your other guy's name? I

14:13

was like, William. But

14:15

this is the best one. I was working with

14:17

a girl this week who was really lovely.

14:19

At your other job? Yeah. Well, it was another

14:21

job. She was PR. Your

14:25

favourite? No, I was joking. I've

14:27

had so many PRs go mad at me. Recently,

14:30

the ones at Global as well, I'm like, it's

14:32

a joke. I love PRs. But you

14:34

weren't laughing at the time. She was great. Anyway,

14:37

it turns out, it's a big sexted fan. Huge

14:39

sexted fan. I'm waiting for the butts. But she

14:41

stopped listening for six months. She's

14:44

not that big a sexted fan. Because, and I quote,

14:46

your breathing down the mic was doing her head in.

14:49

Would you prefer me to just not breathe? Well, do

14:51

you remember in the old studios where you were... I

14:58

thought Jordan... So Jordan... What's

15:02

it been like doing the show with a fucking pug? Do

15:10

you remember? A couple of years ago? Yes.

15:12

Yes. So, but then she turned back in

15:14

and said it's fine now. So thank

15:16

you. Well, what was her name? I

15:19

would say, can I say her name? It was

15:21

Rachel. She was lovely. Well, hello Rachel. She was...

15:26

She was great. I really enjoyed her. I

15:28

do remember when we did the Manchester Podcast Festival

15:30

in 2019. The

15:32

sound technician told me that my nostrils were coming

15:34

out at a particular decibel. You're

15:37

fuming. And that's when I... Well, I can't do

15:39

anything about it. But

15:42

yes, everyone's nostrils are... Got that

15:44

taxi bottle in it. Yeah, good

15:46

one. Anyway,

15:49

so hello Rachel. We're delighted to have

15:51

you back. Okay. Anyway, before we go

15:54

on to the listeners' problems and dilemmas...

15:56

Yes. Shall we do... Well, it was

15:58

meant to be Williams. That's catching me. of the

16:00

week. I haven't printed it off. But he's

16:02

unprepared so luckily I've got some jolly jokes

16:04

the week. And also there's a big stack

16:06

of letters over there that you've not replied

16:08

to. Because I haven't been in the studio

16:11

for three weeks. You're slacking. You're

16:13

getting very slack in

16:15

your old age. Helen told me

16:17

you were getting a bit slack as well. Good

16:23

to. Yes. Alright, shall we do

16:25

my jolly joke for the week? Yes, that would be

16:27

lovely. Blokes says to the wise, are you wearing crotchless

16:29

knickers? And I... Oh

16:32

wow. And

16:35

I'll tell you a punchline after the break.

16:40

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18:14

If you like a chap, that's peepy

18:16

and northern, you're in for a treat. With

18:19

our Jordan, and if the giggle is

18:21

what you see, the shorts are love,

18:23

Jordan's very joke of the week. Alright,

18:25

June Divas, thanks for sticking with

18:28

us. It's now time for Jordan's jolly joke of

18:30

the week. Our blog says, cheers,

18:32

wis. Are you wearing crotchless lickers? He

18:34

says, yeah, he went, oh, thank

18:37

God for that, I thought you chapped on cat. Ben,

18:47

if you weren't on your phone, you would have appreciated that. You're

18:51

one to talk. Is that alright? Well,

18:53

I mean, if you're happy with that.

18:55

That's from Paul on Instagram, who sent

18:57

me a link to real

19:00

Kimberly Nixon, who reads jokes out.

19:02

Listen. Kimberly Nixon

19:04

off of... No, it's Cynthia Nixon. I

19:07

asked my wife if she was wearing crotchless niggas. Yes,

19:09

she replied. Thank God for that, I thought you'd sat

19:12

on the cat. I thought that,

19:14

and then you heard everyone. Cat, please, please,

19:16

the station, one of us

19:18

acting like it's the bathroom.

19:22

I think my delivery was cut better than that

19:24

one. Hello

19:27

to Kimberly Nixon if you were a G and D girl. There

19:29

you go. Lovely, it's time for questions

19:31

and dilemmas. Now it's time for you, or you've done

19:33

it. Now

19:36

it's time for you to sit down and... Come

19:39

on, I've been up since half four, but I don't like to talk

19:41

about it. No, no, let's talk about it. Remember, if you need help

19:43

with something, then you can get into it. You can send your tells

19:46

to trepidation to health at sexmyboss.com. You

19:48

can DM us, we're at sexmyboss on socials. Or

19:50

you can write to William, who in the fullness

19:53

of time, promises a handwritten reply in one of

19:55

our luxury greeting cards with executive self-seal envelopes, the

19:57

address is on the website, sexmyboss.com. We

20:00

should say that the paperback book, Health

20:02

and Sex and My Bus, is released in

20:04

two days. You can get it in all

20:06

good bookshops or you can order it at

20:08

sexandmybus.com/book. This first one is from anonymous. Stu

20:11

Willyman, Jordan, my partner and I have been

20:13

together for almost a year now. Things are

20:15

generally going very well. However, there is one

20:17

thing that has been bugging me. He cuts

20:19

his own hair. He seems

20:21

quite proud of the results every time. Needless to say,

20:23

it does not look as brilliant as he thinks it

20:25

does. I take a lot of pride in my appearance,

20:28

so it bothers me that he either doesn't know or

20:30

doesn't care that he is walking around with a dreadful

20:32

haircut. My question to you is,

20:34

how do I go about persuading him to

20:36

get his haircut professionally without hurting his feelings

20:39

or coming across a shallow? I...

20:45

Haircuts are quite... Personal. Yes. You know,

20:47

if I have a bad haircut and

20:49

it's pulling it out, it doesn't look

20:51

as good. I get a

20:53

bit, yeah. Hmm. I had an haircut when

20:57

I first moved to the house where I

20:59

am now when I've tried the local barber.

21:01

OK. And I had... And

21:03

the haircut. I had... I

21:06

had an hat on for two weeks because I didn't like

21:08

it. Could you just... You see

21:10

all those H's lying on the floor that you dropped on

21:13

Hair House and Hairdresser and Hat.

21:16

You put them back on. Hang on,

21:18

what did I say? House at Hairdresser.

21:20

Yeah, that's how you say it. And an

21:22

hat on for two weeks. I

21:25

had a hat. That sounds weird. It's like if

21:27

I said I'm going... The weirdest

21:29

thing I could ever say is I'm going to the

21:31

shop. I'm going to the shop. Yes. And

21:34

I know I've been down London for a while now, but... Well, I'm

21:36

sorry, what do you say? I'm going to the shop. Do you want

21:38

to... Like

21:40

the... The in that example. Could you

21:42

not just say I'm going to Marks

21:44

and Spences? I'm going to the shop.

21:47

I'm going to the shop. Do you want to... I don't

21:49

say I'm going to the shop. I

21:52

say I'm going to go to... Waitrose.

21:55

But yeah, this is a tricky one,

21:57

Anonymous. I do think you're

21:59

going to... to be honest with them, no

22:01

man should be cutting their own hair. Well,

22:04

unless it's during Covid. I would... Yeah. Yeah.

22:06

Unless there's a pandemic, it's perfectly fine. I

22:08

would be interested to know their motivations for

22:11

cutting their own hair. Saving money? Yeah. If

22:13

it's saving money, fair enough. But

22:15

depending on where you go, depending on how much you've got to

22:17

cut, depending on what service you want... It might be autistic. Yeah.

22:20

They don't like to get their hair cut. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

22:22

My friend, Sonny, doesn't like

22:24

to get his hair cut. So it could be that.

22:26

So, yeah, it could be. I tried... I

22:29

haven't totally destroyed it, but when I tried to cut

22:31

my own hair, when I was age seven, because I

22:33

didn't like giving my hair cut. Did you hear that?

22:35

And there were school photos coming up, and my mother

22:37

would always send us to the hairdresser's ahead of school

22:39

photos, so we looked our best. Yeah. And I hated

22:42

it so much. So I cut my

22:44

own hair. I'll see if I can find the photograph

22:46

for social media, because it's so bloody obvious what I've

22:48

done. But I only cut a... I started

22:50

in the middle of my... And I had a fringe. So

22:53

there's just... My hairline goes like this,

22:55

up, down, and continues, because there's just

22:57

a chunk coming out of it. And

22:59

I blamed it on Ritten Patel. Ritten Patel? Yeah,

23:02

who was in my year. He

23:04

was a very naughty child. Oh, really? People believed

23:06

me for about five minutes, and then I think

23:08

my mother realised that actually it was probably me.

23:10

Did she go mad? She went absolutely mad. And

23:12

in the school photograph, even though we've swept my

23:14

fringe across. Did

23:16

you have the bowl cut as well? No, I didn't

23:18

have the bowl cut. No, he's never had the bowl

23:20

cut. Did you, Ben? Yeah, everyone had the bowl cut.

23:22

Still does. Excuse

23:27

me, I'm the same hairstyle as the Princess Royal.

23:31

And also my hairdresser does Anton Debeck as well.

23:37

It's me, Ann and Anton. All

23:39

the same haircut. Who

23:42

else does she do? Actually, James Martin,

23:45

co-exidentically. Oh, yeah, we found out. Oh,

23:47

good boy. Yeah. Anyway, that's my advice.

23:49

No one should be cutting their own

23:51

hair. Unless you really, really like skin.

23:55

If it's just because my dad shakes his

23:57

head every morning. Yeah,

24:00

but I suspect this person, anonymous partner

24:02

is not. I would maybe ask him

24:04

why he does try to find out

24:06

or maybe treat them to a, you

24:08

know, buy them a voucher and go

24:10

and enjoy the process. Hey look, I've

24:12

got some of your hair. I can

24:15

say, there's really good hair dress though.

24:17

You don't have to say I don't like your hair. You're

24:19

like, look, I bet they'll do a good job. A little

24:21

treat for you. Do you do a head

24:23

wash where you go? Do they wash your hair or do

24:25

they just spritz it with a bottle? No, they wash my

24:27

hair. Yeah, do you like that? Some people hate it. I

24:30

fell asleep during the last one. How long was

24:32

it going on for? No, just because of

24:34

the early start. Oh yeah, you should have

24:37

mentioned. And it was so relaxing. Do

24:39

you close your eyes? Oh, you put your head back.

24:41

Yeah, and it washed it and it was just like

24:43

a proper nod of that. Oh.

24:46

Lovely. Well cut,

24:48

keys gone, wallet. What

24:53

else have we got? This one is from

24:55

John. Hello chaps. It's been six months since

24:57

I bought my house and I've been putting

24:59

off going into the loft because of the

25:01

death trap ladder and wasps nest that

25:04

the surveyor found up there. The previous

25:06

owner was an elderly widower who had lived in

25:08

a house since the 70s and sadly died last

25:10

year. I've never dealt directly

25:12

with the family as they seem to have found

25:15

his sudden death and selling the family house quite

25:17

traumatic. I finally went into the

25:19

loft this weekend and found a large box of

25:21

greetings cards from the last 40 years. They

25:23

were all lovingly addressed to him and his

25:25

late wife by their children and grandchildren. What

25:28

do I do with it? I'm split between

25:30

somehow getting in touch with them just to

25:32

give it back and throwing it in the

25:34

recycling but binning 40 years worth of memorabilia

25:36

just seems wrong. Any thoughts? You've got to

25:38

get back in touch. You've got to at

25:40

least try. You've got to. You can't bin

25:42

that. Yeah my grandma went

25:44

so much food that she had all she had me

25:47

dad's teeth. Your

25:49

dad's teeth? Not his new turkey. Who's

25:52

got the old one? I wonder how

25:54

they are. He had his fangs and stuff when he got

25:56

his teeth. His fangs? What was it vampire? She

25:59

had all she had. greeting, touch up like

26:02

school. Well yeah that's that's

26:04

annoying. Yeah, annoying because my mum throws

26:06

everything out don't you? See

26:08

memories are in your head. That's what she says.

26:10

Right, all the bin. I

26:13

yeah I think you've at least got to try and

26:15

get in touch with the estate agents and say look

26:17

I found this could you get in touch? Give them

26:20

two months to get back and if they don't you've

26:22

tried. Yeah definitely. I mean I know but that said

26:24

I do know what will happen you'll

26:26

after you wait the two months they don't get

26:28

back in touch you'll throw them out and then

26:31

like a day later they'll then get back in

26:33

touch but whatever. You can't throw them out, memories.

26:36

No but if they're not replying if they don't and also

26:38

I would also say if I was being a little bit

26:41

uncaring about it yes okay

26:43

it's awful when loved one

26:45

dies particularly unexpectedly but

26:48

they should have gone through the house to clear things out

26:50

before they sold it. Yeah, put boxes and little stuff can

26:52

be found back there. Any estate agents if someone dies in

26:54

the house to get a bit more money off. I

26:57

don't you think you get any house? Well you can

26:59

I think you potentially can yeah because some people get

27:01

a bit old about particularly they'd be murdered. It's demerder

27:04

I think you have to say. Yeah you do. I

27:06

think you have to disclose it. But most people who

27:08

people who do that. Here's

27:11

the unsweet. Step over the

27:13

body. The murderer's down sir.

27:15

Is that what you want? Yeah there's a

27:17

murderer. Well it has just been fitted with

27:19

a new dishwasher. And

27:23

as the murderer found out lovely white pink

27:25

lemonade. Amazing,

27:37

good job. Yeah. They've

27:43

made the bullet hole a feature. It's

27:45

just a decorative. The

27:48

new pebble dash. This

27:51

is from Kim, fingers crossed,

27:53

Jonathan. Hi William Jordan and the

27:55

sex is massive. What's my dilemma? It is

27:58

to ask the etiquette on Facebook. sunbathing

28:00

topless in a family-friendly hotel

28:02

pool area. Good one. A

28:05

family near us said they... No, it is. It's got...

28:09

Well done, Kim. Wendy got a new lease of

28:11

life. Does she have a... She

28:13

sunbathed it less sometimes. But does she... What?

28:18

I'm not going into that. Okay. Sometimes,

28:20

not all time. She'd

28:22

be like, go down to the beach and play her one. I

28:26

can't... I

28:28

can't... I can't... Without

28:32

making play, I want to get some sun on my

28:34

tits. I

28:36

never understand naked sunbathing. She

28:40

never said that. She

28:42

never... She'll come out. She'll come

28:44

out. She'll come out. She never said

28:46

that. A family near us said they

28:48

were horrified at the topless woman a few lounges

28:50

away. They complained that there were children around and

28:52

deemed it totally inappropriate. Is

28:54

it inappropriate to have your babs out

28:56

by the pool surrounded by children and

28:59

families? They put babs... Children and families.

29:01

Or should this lady be allowed to tan the titters

29:03

in peace? It's weird because part of

29:05

me is like, if there's kids, but if you go

29:07

on holidays in some parts of Europe, a lot of

29:09

the ladies... Oh, the Europeans don't... I

29:11

don't want to sound like some

29:14

horrible... ...stock

29:16

of blood. You? Sorry,

29:20

I'm joking. You know I love you to

29:22

bits. I'm joking. So I don't know on

29:24

this one. If there's... Speak

29:28

to the hotel. If it's

29:30

a family-friendly hotel... Obviously

29:33

there are going to be children there. I

29:35

would say it is not appropriate, but

29:37

I'm sure nearby the family-friendly hotel, probably

29:40

there are nudist beaches or

29:42

adult beaches or non-family-friendly beaches where

29:44

it would be more appropriate. You

29:47

know Speedos are in this somewhere.

29:51

And do the joke that you've done 400 times? No, I'm not

29:53

going to do that one because it's been cut 400 times. I

29:57

don't think it has been cut 400 times. for

30:00

it okay but I thought yes speed

30:02

else in yeah I've not got the

30:04

body for speed else oh for God

30:06

no I don't fish it good I'm

30:08

going to grease and thingy yes so

30:11

off to make an oss give

30:13

out me a dress one you've had me can

30:15

us before because there's a big place I'm off

30:18

to grease okay and there's a grease me up and

30:21

I thought oh because of being a

30:23

mother you can have them do I've

30:25

only tried them on once they'd fit

30:27

you you've got slim and slender Ben

30:31

yeah you can have them

30:33

as well if you want I don't want them okay I have

30:35

never worn speedos in my life no but

30:37

you smoke less no I just feel

30:39

uncomfortable in him hmm yeah

30:42

anyway okay but yeah I would say

30:45

it's not appropriate in the family friendly

30:47

basically this is from John a

30:49

different John he's got a dilemma for us he says

30:51

do you William and Jordan I'm a retiree living in

30:53

Spain oh hola

30:56

hola hola and they'll

31:01

say we don't drop my head no

31:04

no hola you do drop the H on the whole

31:06

lah I think

31:09

it's all ah oh yeah this is what

31:11

I want to do what I'll be a

31:13

retiree in Spain yes but you go with

31:16

the council go bag yeah I'm a retiree

31:18

living in Spain I know I'm just laughing

31:20

at this funny image of you and

31:23

I look after my friends

31:28

no apostrophe pool in a house he rents out

31:31

my friends no apostrophe tenants have a cat

31:33

two dogs and five guinea pigs on

31:35

my last visit to clean the pool I brought

31:38

my dog with me after 20 minutes of undertaking

31:40

my maintenance responsibilities I casually glanced to my right

31:42

and I spotted my dog with something in his

31:44

mouth I went over to investigate

31:46

only to realize it was a somewhat motionless guinea

31:49

pig having

31:53

chased the dog around the garden I finally caught

31:55

up with him and removed the guinea pig from

31:57

his mouth although it was oh god although it

31:59

was still warm with no visible injuries.

32:01

The guinea pig was no longer with us. The

32:04

tenants were not actually home at the time. So

32:06

I need... Ben's vegan now. There

32:08

should be a trigger warning. So I need

32:10

to know... Sorry, Ben. What the... He's

32:13

vegan. He ate one in South America. What

32:15

is the etiquette in the situation? Do I... 1.

32:20

Dispose of a deceased guinea pig. 2.

32:23

Replace the deceased guinea pig in the hutch,

32:25

which appeared totally secure with four remaining healthy

32:27

and living guinea pigs inside. 3. Leave the

32:30

dead guinea pig on the lawn. 4.

32:34

Call the tenants and say their dead guinea pig

32:36

was discovered on the lawn upon arrival. 5. Fess

32:38

up. I'd

32:40

like to thank John because this is the first time

32:42

that we've actually had multiple choices on the show. Yeah.

32:45

I would say just put it back in the cage. Just like give

32:47

it a little kick. You know what you thought. Just

32:50

kick it like this. Just kick it like

32:52

this. Sweep it under the rug,

32:54

you know. You know, like if

32:56

you sneeze a bit, a snot gets on carpet. Just

32:59

like, just give it a bit. Rub it in a bit.

33:01

You are so disgusting. Just give it a bit of a

33:03

kick. But,

33:05

in took cage. I would go with option 5

33:07

and fess up. You cannot go wrong with honesty. However,

33:11

I would probably not bring your dog with you again.

33:13

I'd say put the guinea...

33:15

Just put it back in. It'd be right. So

33:17

you... What? Replace the... Option

33:19

2. Replace the deceased guinea pig in the hutch. What

33:22

did guinea pigs look like? What's guinea

33:24

fowl and what's guinea pig? Guinea fowl is

33:26

completely different. A

33:29

guinea pig sort of... Imagine our mic muffs.

33:31

Yeah. With a few legs and a

33:33

little stumpy tail. Are they rats? They're

33:36

vermin. They're vermin. And

33:39

then that's a dead guinea pig. And

33:43

they like hamsters. They're that sort

33:46

of family. They're bigger than that. Okay.

33:49

And need some in Argentina? Peru.

33:53

Peru. Did you have guinea pig in Peru? Oh,

33:56

how exotic. No? Guinea

33:58

pig in Peru. No wonder he's vegetarian now. I know. This

34:01

is from another anonymous one. Dear William

34:03

Jordan and the wonderful Sexted team. I

34:05

was recently enjoying an evening with the

34:07

girls, drinking wine, eating good food, laughing

34:09

away when the conversation turned to our

34:11

menstrual cycles. So here's

34:13

two men with their opinion on this. My

34:15

friend proceeded to tell our group about a time

34:18

when she had been stopped by airport security en

34:20

route to Southeast Asia. She explained

34:22

that upon planning this amazing trip abroad, she

34:24

had been collecting her period

34:28

blood in a jar for the past few months. I'm

34:32

sure there was a perfectly valid reason which we'll discover. Her

34:34

plan was to return her period blood to the earth.

34:37

And what better way to do that than take a spiritual

34:40

retreat abroad? This would be Ben if he was a girl.

34:42

I'm alright, I'm alright. Ben

34:45

if he was. Well,

34:53

rather than containing this bodily fluid safely and

34:55

discreetly in her whole luggage, she chose to

34:57

keep it on her person and in her

34:59

carry-on. The jar was confiscated going

35:02

through security by a very baffled, shocked British

35:04

and Burley security man at Heathrow Airport. My

35:06

question is, what is the etiquette when you

35:08

find a jar of blood in a passenger's

35:10

no apostrophe carry-on bag? They really are sitting

35:12

at all those security men, haven't they? Yes.

35:15

I bet you at least, I bet you when they

35:17

think the bloke that picked that

35:19

jar up has probably said the

35:22

least of what I've said. It's the least of your

35:24

worries. Yes, it was a track who came through with

35:26

a laser pointer. Yeah. Now

35:28

then. Yes, I don't know why you need to

35:30

do that personally, but I definitely,

35:33

if you were going

35:42

to do that, you don't put, it's also

35:44

probably above the liquid requirements. Probably

35:46

why you had to give it back. Yeah.

35:49

I thought they were changing that. Well they are, but

35:52

certainly airports are slow at upgrading. If you were a

35:54

good friend, you could have gone to Boots and got

35:56

those little jars. I don't think you should tell your

35:58

friends. vials of blood. I

36:02

don't think you can take blood abroad anyway.

36:04

No, there's probably legislation. I've watched that Australian

36:06

customs programme. You try taking a bit of

36:08

amine from Tesco to Australia, have you? I

36:10

mean, by the time it got from Tesco

36:12

to Australia, it would be all. No, they

36:14

take it really seriously in Australia, customs. I

36:16

think they take customs pretty seriously. Or I

36:18

might get down on all fours. This

36:21

might take two minutes. I only brought some

36:23

turkey in from bloody Alberts.

36:26

That's your own fault, mate. Don't

36:29

blame me, I'm just doing my job. One

36:31

finger or two. It's

36:34

a really good show, that. Right.

36:37

Good. It's good for... I've told

36:39

you about my bliss hour. Yes,

36:41

when you get home. When I get

36:43

home, I have my bliss hour. Right. You're

36:45

so camp. Have

36:50

a charge about the bliss hour. I

36:54

just put my robe on. I pour myself

36:56

a cup of coffee in the mug. I

36:58

know, I go. Illuminate the live life love

37:00

time. You

37:03

are just... I like my Yankee candle,

37:05

actually. Yes. Thank you very

37:07

much. Your yan... It's not a

37:09

bloody Yankee candle, it's dipped in. You can shut up.

37:11

No, it's not. Why have I

37:13

told you about it? I'd hope for the

37:16

lovely listener. I was told before, I don't know, you

37:18

probably don't do this now, that you're in breakfast. But

37:20

you used to like your candle... When you woke up in the morning, you'd

37:23

like your dipped in candle. That's

37:25

not true, I don't have a dipped in candle. OK,

37:27

well you light a candle. Well, we will... There's

37:31

two candle stories. Anyway, you've ruined it. My

37:34

bliss hour is like I get in and I have a big... I

37:36

get in it. If you work here, at least I may... Do you

37:38

have a bath bomb? If you... I do,

37:40

actually. Yes. I've

37:43

got a tub of them now. Oh, God. So,

37:46

you get in and you have your bliss hour, loads of shift workers on

37:48

the morning. It's when no one else is in house. You get

37:50

in and you've got like, housed yourself for now and you make

37:52

a big mug of tea. But I haven't been sports direct mug

37:54

anymore, so I'll hold it. And you make a big mug of

37:57

tea, so I make two big... I'm

38:00

gonna take him upstairs and I watch like

38:02

crap telly like that Australian thing Bliss

38:04

just like the cart pay

38:07

we take it away. It's a bit hard

38:09

actually. I don't like that sometimes Thank

38:12

you Thank

38:15

you to the radio time Just

38:17

like watching shit telly for an hour in

38:20

the bliss hour. I wish I wish I had

38:22

time shower Wish I had time to have a

38:24

bliss hour. You sure you have more bliss out

38:26

you have more bliss hours than ours

38:31

Yeah, that also annoyed me. Well,

38:33

here we go We're

38:36

having three and a half hours sleep living off

38:38

bloody what's it called? Not rahit

38:40

no Tylenol,

38:44

okay, so I'm living off that and you're like,

38:46

oh yeah books he reached out from that and

38:49

then emails of like you Well

38:53

because I was telling you booked two weeks what

38:55

a book two weeks off I just didn't accept

38:57

any other bookings in that window anyway

39:00

We're all friends now. We are all friends now. Can't

39:02

wait for self

39:04

hearts and Dublin. Thank you for your questions. We

39:06

didn't really answer the question to that But just

39:08

let's just say period blood. You're not gonna get

39:10

some security or indeed any blood

39:13

Yeah, just no blood Thank

39:16

you for your questioning dilemmas. Remember you can listen

39:19

and watch every Tuesday and Friday. See

39:21

you on Friday. Goodbye You

39:58

You you