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Here Comes The Guillotine contains offensive language,

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mature content and adult themes. It is

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not suitable for a younger audience. This

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is a Global Player original podcast.

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Hello and welcome to Here Comes The

0:16

Guillotine. I'm Frankie Boyle and I'm going

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to be talking to Susie McCabe and

0:20

Christopher MacArthur Boyd. What's it like

0:22

to be a DJ? I

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was saying to Frankie, I was

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punished by Instagram this morning. Oh.

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They've taken away my right to

0:32

have a branded thing. Because

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last night I put a story up saying,

0:38

with a picture of me in here saying that I'd taken

0:41

a DJ hostage and I was going to kill

0:43

him if I didn't have

0:45

people signing up to my mailing list. Okay,

0:47

was that a specific DJ? That

0:49

you didn't mention who it was but in my head it

0:51

was this Clark. Of course, that's what I was saying. I

0:56

think Clarky would be a good hostage. He

0:59

would take it well. Yeah, he's very... He would do impressions

1:01

of me. He

1:05

would quickly, very

1:07

quickly master your mannerisms. Yeah, he's such

1:09

a slick pro. I think he explained

1:12

to someone that that's a compliment. Are

1:14

you saying you'd be a good hostage, Chris? You

1:16

would thrive. You would? Yeah. Eight

1:19

of good stories as well that kind of

1:22

keep you stimulated in the hostage situation. As

1:24

a hostage, he could always be like, you're

1:27

working out what I just said there as an anecdote and

1:31

you're never in the moment, Des. You're

1:34

thinking about TikTok. You're

1:37

playing it, you're playing it for the camera. Yeah,

1:41

a person was telling me the other day about

1:44

how they have watched all of Grey's Anatomy

1:47

on TikTok. When? Yep.

1:50

Yep, watch films on TikTok. So they'll be watching a

1:52

film and they'll be like coming into uni and they'll

1:54

watch a film, then they'll pause it, Go

1:57

about their day and then they get back in the bus, they go right, we can tell.

2:00

You were to my fellow. They just watch

2:02

everything off a foot. Martin. Scorsese would

2:04

hang himself as he had the think. I.

2:07

Once watched the full is so I'm a month.

2:10

To. Offer ponce while this

2:12

summer to pay the whole movie

2:14

up on a porn site and

2:16

but the title that know ama

2:18

but english slot. Bambee

2:22

system in a wouldn't say it's

2:24

totally without some. Will Mess Walesa

2:26

is this. Step. He plays

2:28

it must have legacy that. I was

2:31

adding has a ama is m. C

2:33

Sleep kids. I saw all our

2:35

friends love life problems and a

2:37

seat needs to sort of. Lysa

2:39

isn't them classic? A guest class

2:41

seats. Pulled. New stories about

2:43

Smooth as a classic porno. Pete

2:45

is very very rarely and upon

2:47

those people view they to have

2:49

the Lovelace Source hits in the

2:51

never Let Her as a assisting

2:53

them and it's of the love

2:55

nest. Professor fit a fifth isn't

2:57

what it was just that to

3:00

get stuck in. It was Missy

3:02

The Simpsons my spirits but. He.

3:04

Never have can of crisis spoken

3:06

and which michigan as he noticed

3:08

us. The Stuxnet mom's owner.

3:11

Couldn't. Put mute. The

3:13

lose websites but. Could

3:16

you live with them? Why this

3:18

that spit mum was gonna stop

3:20

saw the whale a camps that

3:22

mom take. It. right in the back

3:24

here was machine and the wind up get stuck can

3:27

in. Steps. On comes and.

3:30

Sexy. I'll.

3:33

Add to that is a step son.

3:36

I am. Peloton,

3:38

Know it again it is not access

3:40

the main set of a pornographer but

3:42

I believe it comes from I can

3:44

relate. it's kinda late geek you're not

3:46

allowed to put insists stuff. Or.

3:49

Even fi can say stuff so delicious is

3:51

a step mom but really, you're supposed to

3:53

billie awesome but. I really must

3:55

take that as. V

3:57

of we'll flip a similar

4:00

my people. As we'll.

4:03

Be. As just asleep as know her voice

4:05

mission's work. To. I

4:07

mean without we have almost sauce for a

4:09

i find that my see with the as

4:12

this you never I will have to go

4:14

and save. Is. Not enough

4:16

depth, even in an industrial size.

4:19

Washer dryer there's not enough they ups

4:21

and then tags they get spoke see

4:23

you there she is is the site

4:25

village these exocet saying bit know what

4:27

did not the kinda. And to

4:29

nice into the end say story either that I

4:31

choose whether has good but that is no your

4:33

sauce mean the sooner some hims his dislike us

4:36

you just dug under the bed assumption I yell

4:38

a. Snob.

4:40

Smarter? then they're just pretended to be

4:43

stuck. On islands and other elsa weeks

4:45

of way the to. Be. You know

4:47

what? he was always get stuck. With.

4:49

It was a great. Kid. Of

4:52

and said. Second,

4:54

when he wasn't know and recently. He

4:56

would have been abused to that point by Oh,

4:59

there's an animal's take a. Gun

5:01

get togethers know a tiger? Than.

5:03

Them a correct title believe that

5:05

we have opened up there safe

5:07

assume it's with when he the

5:10

t been abused I had and

5:12

says she was said to. Pawn.

5:14

Solemn so that's probably why wasn't went into his

5:16

as he was just one that we had units

5:19

and sites. are you still have consulate refer them

5:21

off him and put it wasn't honey. the. If

5:26

is Charles of of animal

5:28

coupled with a cat and

5:30

that that the as as

5:32

that he probably. Under

5:35

decorator. Us what

5:37

your was depressed. It's.

5:40

Obvious flaws. Cities soon. too

5:42

much equipment. Existing systems that,

5:44

oh I said, I read

5:46

me the idea. Okay, He.

5:49

Was always kinda above that. Will. Act.

5:52

As several should be, Sports in.

5:54

Switzerland. Nuts paid with a thick

5:57

and seven hundred eighty degrees as low

5:59

as. I know to which

6:01

the abuse of funny that per. E

6:05

S. Speaking. Of

6:07

Horror. whom. We. Did

6:09

a gig in Swindon this ah okay

6:11

for him. He arrived at the see

6:13

her a game is threatened his threw

6:16

himself off the top of the seal.

6:19

Off the this stuff, the weather than

6:21

and swindon. Those who like

6:23

he's up there. Cops

6:25

around and the hideous cordoned off

6:28

and that we're like to start

6:30

some. Sky

6:32

needs us and take the. Episode

6:34

was that and a hand in there. When.

6:37

He told his cage i mean it

6:39

was late seventies bunch but a minute

6:42

simulate terrible place. And. You saw

6:44

us soil, it's die to see. This guy is

6:46

kind of amazingly. Mean. And.

6:49

That maybe. He'd. Been driven

6:51

mad by the queue to got that and

6:53

how long did it like was he died

6:55

before you been on stage for it and

6:58

on moves up for cup I was I

7:00

am. But. Then as to it

7:02

is things. A. Pharmacy Swindon tampon

7:04

I wouldn't. Bet. With Ennis in

7:06

more than once this time it's just be

7:08

as coast or say that tone of coy.

7:10

just a sec someone's at any and cause

7:12

they as I do think is that what

7:15

happened to the whole bit. Of

7:17

the were really depressed and suicidal and

7:19

thus. You know the

7:21

Shire will they not all the students.

7:24

The House at least the paper with as

7:26

they popular amongst the hobbits in the the

7:29

west. So. Medalists: With.

7:31

I kissed his. And us dictation

7:33

but maybe of as you that your self

7:36

made the qin it's and didn't live it

7:38

as to the people spend and sit there.

7:41

And there's a lot going on. The bus was

7:43

hit. A. Low self medicated also

7:45

to get. It at

7:47

this at bet when I do a joke

7:49

he goes. On. And

7:52

I saw I saw a superhero when

7:54

it was spying law school, but it

7:56

was actually a depressed clone soon himself

7:58

off at her block. And this. It

8:00

to laugh normally and then I'm at

8:02

us on the old as they don't

8:04

walk past a guy who was tied

8:06

on posts about than about forty minutes

8:08

before the so stop it and I

8:10

assume this gentleman was. Seized.

8:13

And he didn't jump pulls. A.

8:15

Wouldn't see saved. That. They

8:17

signals young for a bus stop plate

8:20

would kill. I was a what you

8:22

know. We. Went back to Swindon.

8:24

To. Nicely air him and I made the

8:27

bold gamba start and mountain and say it

8:29

by going did you. See to be that guy

8:31

you tried to kill themselves Hilton a circle. And a

8:33

role a year. If. It's it's. a

8:35

little the one in a jolly are things that

8:37

happened in the time, but as someone attendant. I

8:40

have never been to Swindon. You're.

8:42

Not sale in a symbol. Know

8:44

what? I'm from Swinton. At

8:47

well yes but we both kinda both

8:49

of i totally but there's no swindon

8:51

so i was gonna curiously. And

8:54

how does it compare? see his homeland,

8:56

Swinton than Than. A little shy

8:58

us then snug a space police that

9:00

an analyst l a y the best.

9:03

M. Settings. We hold is

9:05

Juanita constitutes a some place and view

9:07

state and the wishes safe Epicurus from

9:10

thank you. And. Is going

9:12

simulate the whole boots to where's your

9:14

why for him that was latest know

9:16

the best but couldn't the one who.

9:19

Bought. A. Used to warm

9:21

up at the stand and then I'd

9:23

go and sit under my thinking t.

9:26

And Mint Botanic Gardens with some the

9:28

court on the way home. Prices have

9:31

to start really earlier. the audience would

9:33

be hammered said stop guess have for

9:35

a summer some sense to buy have

9:37

five quality sex. I've been them at

9:39

sea in the bitterness with some cooler.

9:42

And is to some that place just across

9:45

from the Botanic as a code seven some

9:47

Ah yeah yeah Next D J Anneliese out

9:49

with the last hey what I've got squid

9:51

it was under that see you've kiss could

9:54

have of know in the schools. Hello messing

9:56

up from enough to him or her on

9:58

a speech Janet A Cinderella. the but

10:00

one say Rest Square all came up

10:02

and lake. Next some of the

10:04

peculiar bar lab big by hit hit hit

10:06

and then just ran off tap i do

10:09

and drank foot. And

10:11

a nap time I saw it. She sleeps

10:13

absorbed by a spot for cracks but a

10:15

woman it is to students and for the

10:17

stuff. Decently the same squirrel.

10:20

Well. I yeah I think it was

10:22

definitely seems girl but. And thing when

10:24

or things enough about the men as share

10:26

this and. I fed. Who.

10:29

The. Spaces I like says.mean

10:31

current there hasn't had any

10:34

empire was his mouth and.

10:37

A saint of really disappointing when you have

10:39

stayed in England to what can and you

10:42

can't really get caught up. The

10:45

have page Epicurus some tapes which I

10:47

believe as like a legit. Saying.

10:50

Of Indian cuisine well I think checking

10:52

because as about other ancient a silly

10:54

to space a bathroom check in ancestry

10:56

the score is people weights All the

10:58

Texans played a healthy healthy really good

11:00

or they'll say oh this will get

11:02

the battle that we use of the

11:05

chip. Still a pub sit colluded at

11:07

and subspecies can have fled s do

11:09

shows I ask what a simply soon

11:11

kill a squirrel. Aloe,

11:14

the squirrels and the botanic

11:17

serve as quite often does

11:19

that bad. Well as a tree fell

11:21

on some real ends in this about corner

11:23

dolphin it's made this. Certain.

11:26

Area of the Botanic. The heads up to

11:28

the Ah but I am. Egg.

11:31

Quite then, G N. A.

11:33

Sub Outlay Care. You.

11:36

Know as far as an area l a

11:38

bay became known for dog in everybody with

11:40

came to avoid that. The

11:42

Zola Oba Botanic Gardens This I'll bet.

11:44

Lake. He would only

11:46

go there if you wait. Feed.

11:49

some squirrels germain the nobody else is

11:51

that if nobody's what an adult that

11:53

of these picnic and now suggests cueto

11:55

hits like me it's paid spam as

11:58

towards the schools with us Yes

12:00

loads of them. You're right next to the park. It's

12:03

right next to the park and there's loads of trees

12:05

on their cul-de-sacs so they're always there. And

12:07

my partner walks this little

12:09

lassa apso who has a squint and

12:12

an underbite and she sees the squirrels

12:14

and she's like, What's going on? And

12:16

she tries to run after squirrels then

12:18

they climb the tree and then she's

12:20

like, I

12:22

mean so steep. I love it. Do

12:25

you know what their system is for finding nuts that

12:28

live buried? No. No system.

12:30

They've got no clue and they'll just blood

12:32

them. If

12:36

you had to come back as an animal, what would you come back

12:38

as? Pig. I mean I'm

12:41

pretty much there already. Yeah

12:44

I was living a pig-esque lifestyle.

12:47

A truffles pig. That would

12:49

be a nice life wouldn't it? Just, What

12:52

is truffles? It's like mushrooms that are under the ground.

12:54

The pigs find. Wokshiri.

12:57

Wokshiri pig. Wokshiri piggy mushrooms.

12:59

So that's the kind of

13:01

life. I

13:03

was in Australia and

13:05

we went to a... Rindar Ando.

13:09

Stuck step on Rindar. Oh no. I

13:12

was in a Margaret

13:15

Rifford in Western Australia and we went to

13:17

a, I don't know, a petan.

13:19

So not a petan, but like a working farm and

13:21

you could go and see stuff and we were way

13:24

in the middle of nowhere. So we

13:26

went through it and they went, oh

13:28

you can go over those little piglet.

13:31

And we were like, alright, okay. I was

13:34

like, I accidentally did the piglet. That

13:36

is a gigannitus pig in a

13:38

way. And then the hog came

13:41

out and we realised the gigannitus

13:43

pig was the piglet

13:45

and it was massive. And

13:48

then the hog came out and I was like, oh, that's

13:51

danger, danger. They're quite angry, the

13:53

pigs. I was sitting in my partner

13:56

the other day. I'd love if we could

13:58

just sit and watch. Netflix or

14:00

something and have like a pegged run up along the back

14:02

of the couch and all over the place. I guess that's

14:04

just a dog for me. But

14:06

a peg would be cool but then you

14:09

will see that you can't actually get a

14:11

few cup piglets. So it's just... There was

14:13

a piglet? There was a piglet when they

14:15

were pigs. Yeah. And that whole idea that

14:17

there are tiny pigs that aren't tiny elephants

14:19

either. It's just a piglet. They

14:22

just sell you under the guise and then you come

14:24

down the stairs and what-and-then there's just a massive peg

14:26

in your living room. That's no

14:28

great. Would you think about people who

14:30

look after snakes? No, for me. Yeah,

14:34

personality. Brilliant. These

14:36

people that are like, Oh, I've got a snake. I've

14:38

got a fucking rat that lives on my shoulder. Fucking,

14:41

you know, read a book. That was a

14:43

film. That was a film. I

14:45

had some shit. The shits that had the rat living

14:47

in their head and it was controlling them. Oh no, when

14:49

I was at uni man, like... That

14:52

was a type of person. Like a uni man. Right.

14:55

Oh, I'd pay it right or something that fucking

14:58

would live on their shoulder. I'd write

15:00

my answer. I don't understand where

15:03

the joy is and that like, see dogs,

15:05

dogs give you joy. You know, dogs

15:07

have your power and come up and when

15:10

things are a bit shit and

15:12

you come in. See when I'm halfway through that French and

15:14

I come in and I see my wee dog and

15:16

I'm like, Oh, everything's all right. Come home, it's

15:18

a fucking rat. He's a

15:20

funny, have a cute face. No,

15:22

at least I can the washing machine and this fucking

15:25

rat. I don't have a silver. Can

15:33

I go back? I

15:35

need to have a decision. Hobbits

15:47

are depressed. My bitch is

15:49

looking at me like, the hobbits are depressed. And

15:52

therefore, soring is an

15:54

eye. Right. That's like self

15:56

knowledge. And that's

15:58

what they wanted to destroy. Roy, because

16:01

Soren's kennelite is

16:03

like they're a pistol something's going why you are

16:06

why you are so I do want to kill yourself

16:08

beautiful quite a bit live like this you

16:10

know and then they go

16:13

to symbolically Freudian the

16:16

volcano the crack in the earth

16:18

yeah yeah they go to account

16:20

the anus of mid-earth to

16:23

drop a ring putting an ass in an ass that's fucked

16:28

I don't like that they're coming home and a snake

16:32

is like cuz you know you can go home with

16:34

your dogs licking your face that's lovely but maybe if

16:36

you're depressed and you come home what is a snake

16:38

but a kind of sentient noice no

16:40

I mean that's just like just

16:42

wraps yourself around your neck is it like

16:44

I'm pronouncing this yes hello would

16:47

you like to buy a noice yeah

16:52

seriously salesman imagine you've

16:54

got a snake that just could send

16:56

you with the press and start knotting

16:58

itself in tenors they'll just take you

17:00

away from this pain they

17:04

say that's what they do snakes sometimes

17:06

lie next to you in bed and

17:08

uh and you're like oh that's nice it's kind of

17:11

like a partner but then it turns

17:13

out what they're actually doing is measuring you to

17:15

see if they could swallow you whole yeah they

17:17

lie alongside you that's

17:19

straight for them to go yeah me

17:23

and you would have no chance fucking

17:25

worm could eat you from a

17:27

lizard a lizard could could the

17:29

worms will eat you eventually will

17:31

eat us all if we're lucky

17:36

I'd like that to be you know

17:38

if you they have open

17:40

caskets and whatnot why not have just like clear

17:43

graves well

17:48

so that you can just see just how

17:50

one's been derived by and

17:53

seeing egg it's an intonation just

17:55

a big perspex box let's

17:58

go see granddad we be more likely

18:00

to go out actually I think if you could see a

18:02

skeleton and flesh

18:04

decomposing and they're all clothes.

18:08

Their clothes just getting bigger and bigger as

18:10

they decompose and just become skeletal. Would

18:13

you? How do you want to get disposed of

18:15

Susie? I'd be

18:17

happy if some ashes can spread

18:20

somewhere. Just somewhere, just like somewhere.

18:22

I don't know where actually. Maybe

18:25

by the seaside. Maybe Anstruther. Anstruther?

18:29

Anstruther, I don't know. Why are they? As

18:31

close as the ships. Yeah, I've been able

18:34

to obviously. No, that's how I used

18:36

to go with my gran and be scared of some

18:38

of her ashes there. So, aye. You're

18:40

ashes, tell you about her ashes. Aye, aye. Well,

18:42

my little green ring that I have in my

18:44

middle finger, my right hand is some of her

18:47

ashes. Wow. So, because we were really

18:49

close and it was really hard for me and that's how I come

18:52

from. That's beautiful. I know

18:54

it's not really in theme with the podcast, Mr. What

18:57

did you learn to have done with your bloody thinking? Stuck

19:00

half way into a washing machine. Oh,

19:02

geez. Been used. Yeah, it's

19:05

been a pleasure to stay up children.

19:08

Stay up children across the country. Would

19:13

you give your body medical science? Mmm,

19:17

magic? No, they're not

19:19

fucking it. No, like they're

19:21

not doing loads of fucking paper hat

19:23

on you and doing all

19:25

kinds of fucking weird shit. Yeah. Whenever

19:28

I see medical students at a ball or something,

19:30

I'm like, you seem like the type of rich,

19:34

weird children that are

19:36

definitely losing some of your first

19:38

times to a dead person. Horrible

19:41

people. Medical students. See,

19:46

once you're a junior doctor, see once you're

19:48

a doctor, respect. See, when you're

19:50

not quite there yet, you're free. You

19:54

have to be dead. If you're going to be a

19:57

GP or tell people

19:59

that are dying. You need that. The

20:03

amount of ooze and wounds you're gonna see

20:05

in your professional career, you need to callus

20:08

your heart and soul towards the most.

20:10

That's why they give you this corpse

20:12

to fuck. Whether you're

20:14

a student so that you can just, you

20:17

know, learn to detach yourself from

20:19

humanity. I don't think students

20:21

are fucking dead, Bortice Gaye. I'm scrapping it

20:23

out there. At

20:25

all? Bitch. No,

20:29

come on. This

20:31

is a generation that are riddled with

20:33

anxiety. They are not gonna be

20:35

sleeping with a dead body. That's

20:38

the most perfect thing, part. No,

20:40

really, but no. They're never gonna, well,

20:42

it's not perfect, but it's a good

20:44

aspect of a bad thing would be

20:47

they're never gonna cheat on you, they're never gonna abuse

20:49

you anyway. Before I die, I'm

20:51

getting a load of work done. Just

20:53

before I die, I'm getting a load of cosmetic

20:55

surgery and stuff. I look like a fucking John

20:58

Collins. Amazing. And just tempt them. Tempt

21:01

them to be good fun. Oh, for this, for the, yeah.

21:04

Shout out to the nature.

21:06

You know, like, you know what, we

21:08

ain't had conversations going. So the last time I

21:11

was at my GP, it's

21:13

sore balls. Really sore balls. And

21:16

she's a lovely old lady. Yeah. And

21:18

then, Mitch, he's facing me. I'm

21:21

like, I'm

21:23

a family boss and all that shit's going. I'm gonna have to

21:25

get my balls out of here. I'm

21:28

sure they never seem, but like, they're looking at

21:30

her face. My

21:32

delivery, the whole thing, it's so abject.

21:34

No, I'm gonna get into balls. Yeah,

21:36

and, well, I didn't even know people

21:38

groomed their balls. They're really like, no,

21:41

it's days. Yeah. It's pretty Covid, last

21:43

time I was with the daughter. You're

21:45

just there with your big fluffy balls.

21:48

My best boxes. And,

21:51

you know, I

21:53

hope she had a dead body. It's

21:56

a mite to love her, to

21:58

get her into the stairs. that it

22:00

could be her job. Yeah, we'll see if

22:03

we still locate yours on your nutsacks and

22:05

feel them as well. I think

22:07

if I'd known then it was socially acceptable.

22:09

I would have imagined that if

22:12

I had got out heavily groomed parables she

22:14

would have been horrified so I was getting

22:16

off on it or something. Thought

22:18

I was a fucking porn star. Well

22:21

now I realise she's looking at him all the time.

22:23

Yeah. The things you

22:26

must see as

22:28

a GP. I was

22:30

thinking to

22:32

a student during

22:35

the mask phase of COVID and stuff where

22:37

everybody was masked up. I was at a

22:39

GP and I was in the waiting

22:42

room and I was like, this is

22:44

actually, we should always be wearing masks

22:46

in a doctor's

22:48

office. Not for viral reasons, not for

22:50

like breathing and stuff but I just

22:53

think there should be an element of

22:55

the masquerade the same way that

22:57

you would go to a chama Venetian sex party

22:59

in the 1700s. You would wear a wee mask and

23:01

it's the kind of, oh we don't know who each

23:04

other. Doctor's office should

23:06

be a wee bit like that as well. Don't know if

23:08

they're really the doctor. Maybe

23:12

they clean up. You just could have

23:14

nuts out in front of a cleaner.

23:17

Some people could do that though, you know what I

23:19

mean? A wee hooper. I'm not saying a cleaner dressed

23:21

as Spider-Man. I

23:27

just think, okay, does this woman who came in

23:29

and she was like, that's my sample for the

23:31

doctor and it's like, I shouldn't see this woman's

23:34

face and last name being shouted out by a

23:36

receptionist. There should be a bit

23:39

of the

23:41

masquerade. It's when you're

23:43

sat in the doctor's surgery in the

23:45

receptionist's desk, the phone and she starts

23:48

to recite the address and

23:50

all the details back of the person who's on

23:52

the phone and everyone can hear it

23:54

and then it'll be like, so you can't make

23:56

that appointment because you're going holiday from the 22nd

23:59

to the 22nd. day and you're

24:01

like empty house anybody empty house

24:03

but you can't go straight through

24:05

to a doctor they

24:07

need to ask you what's wrong while they're just

24:09

spilling their guts to all and sundry in the

24:11

reception area just tell me so that you've got

24:14

an empty house for a week I'll

24:16

set up a working class thing not wanting people to

24:18

know if your house is my

24:21

parents mate they wouldn't so

24:23

I'd pass from Denny Gull and

24:25

they would never say if they

24:27

were going on holiday and still to this day

24:30

if I go to them are you going over to island this

24:32

year and they would go ah we

24:34

don't know yes it's because

24:37

they don't want word getting out someone's

24:40

breaking into their house which

24:43

contains like a

24:45

fucking DVD player from Tesco a

24:48

d like about five DVDs one of

24:50

which is chocolat the

24:55

journey date film the journey date film which they

24:57

love my mum loves what's

24:59

that dance movie with um Channing

25:02

Teton oh mate no

25:04

other before sorry the

25:08

one before that called step up oh

25:10

yeah yeah but like um she

25:12

gave my daughter the step up films

25:15

which are you can't have one I'm

25:17

keeping one but

25:22

the idea that it's always great

25:25

bacon and bungalow and yet it's

25:27

there approximately 13 pounds worth

25:30

of goods sticking on facebook marketplace

25:33

they won't even turn their own children when they're

25:35

going on holiday or any of the people

25:37

in islands they just appear yeah just in

25:39

case the Irish people

25:42

let the Glasgow people know in case

25:44

the advocates right then a national

25:46

network of burglars that exist to deliver

25:49

news to other people of when places are going to

25:51

be vacant I

26:05

remember when my gran used to go

26:07

to like black prune stops

26:09

where we mentioned I was going to be used

26:11

to buy those you know those sockets with a

26:14

clock timer so you

26:16

plug it in that gives you a socket so

26:18

you plug your lamp into the socket and you

26:20

put the little pegs down so that it comes

26:22

on it like I'll put that on

26:24

for first starts to get back at seven and

26:27

I'll keep it on till ten and then I'll put it

26:29

back on in the moment so it looks like I'm there

26:31

and all these automated lights would go on and off. If

26:34

you think I don't have one of those.

26:37

No. That's a

26:39

gift from my friend. Amazing.

26:41

I'd rather have the house burned down. House

26:46

burned down. And

26:49

I must have electricity bill for energy that you're

26:51

not using. Yeah I've got like two

26:53

of them. Do you use them? Not anymore but

26:55

I have used them. For

26:58

what purpose? To keep them guessing. Yes

27:00

and to

27:02

give one that toast. I

27:04

would maybe draw a curtain as far as

27:06

I would call. You'd

27:09

send someone in to draw the curtain. Can you

27:11

trust me? What? Who's

27:13

drawing the curtain if you know them? Oh yeah shit. I think

27:16

you're funny that you say. I guess it's just not something I think I'm

27:18

going to.

27:21

You're an electrician? Yeah. Is

27:24

that something that you would have to do in

27:27

your job is to work out like fire hazards

27:29

and stuff? Yes. What is

27:31

the most common burned down

27:33

house type stuff that goes about? It

27:35

could be anything. It could

27:37

be anything. It could be like just

27:40

too much. People

27:42

just keep adding more sockets and adding

27:44

more things and then eventually this old

27:46

rickety fuse box just goes no

27:49

more. It depends if

27:51

they've got old fuses that were re-wireable. They

27:53

were little blocks with pins and you put

27:55

fuse wire in them as opposed to the

27:58

kind of breakers that most people have. now.

28:00

Aye, it's wild. I mean, I remember

28:02

looking at things and I'm just like, so how

28:04

you know there's an electrical fire

28:06

about to start is that

28:09

you smell burning plastic and it smells

28:11

really fishy and

28:13

I don't know if it's fuse boxed. I remember there

28:15

was one fuse that instead

28:17

of having fuse wire it just had

28:20

the silver paper from a chewing gum

28:22

packing. They're

28:25

really stuck, I fucking kick it in there. Aye, aye,

28:27

there was one day I had to go out to a house

28:29

because this guy was friends with my

28:32

boss and he had

28:34

decided on a Sunday, would he be interviewed

28:36

by some lights and put

28:38

up lights in his back garden but not

28:40

bothered to bury the cable

28:42

so his elsation chewed through the

28:44

cable. It all exploded.

28:47

It all died, I think. It

28:49

all died, like just and I was like, mate, what are you

28:51

doing? He's like, but I mean it's just about a

28:53

DIY and I'm like, what kind of electricity?

28:55

I don't know, put

28:57

up a shelf DIY. Just

29:01

weird stuff that people are doing and

29:04

also people just think that sockets just

29:06

appear. Like they go, can I just have a

29:08

socket there? And you're like, yeah, I

29:10

need to get the cable but what

29:12

do you mean? They're like, what do you think happens?

29:14

I just put a socket in the wall and it's just

29:16

magically works. People are mental

29:20

and they're mental when it comes to things like

29:22

electricity and plumbing and yes, they'll try

29:24

and do it themselves and you're like, are

29:27

you talking one time about why there's so much

29:29

stuff burned down in Glasgow? Because obviously we all

29:31

think crime. Yeah,

29:33

it's not. In a listed building and people

29:35

are like, it's hella stupid, it's hella stupid

29:38

in flats. But it's

29:40

not, so there used to be, Glasgow

29:42

had more fires than anybody else in the UK

29:44

at one point because what used to

29:47

happen is if a building went and fire, instead

29:50

of what you would do now, strip

29:52

the whole building out of all the electrics and

29:54

re-establish them once the buildings came to secure

29:56

them, wind them watertight again and all that. they

30:01

would say, well if that bit's not been

30:03

affected, that's alright,

30:05

just do the bits that are affected. So say

30:07

you had like a three story builder and

30:10

the first floor was the bit that was affected, the

30:12

second and third they caught it in time and it

30:14

was alright, but I don't

30:16

know, you don't need any while you're setting to

30:18

the third, just to the first

30:20

floor and the ground floor and that

30:23

was an actual thing and Glasgow was

30:25

notorious for fires

30:27

because the council also owned so

30:29

many of the buildings back when this was a thing that

30:32

it was just, I think that's what we

30:34

do and you go, well, as

30:36

this is still interconnected, they might

30:39

have separate supplies but they all come from the

30:41

same place so you've absolutely burst

30:43

the integrity of it, but

30:45

aye that's how they used to have more fires

30:47

than anyone else in the UK, because the council's

30:49

like, ahh you'll be fine, just

30:52

weep, weep the burn marks off that cable

30:54

and put it back in. Imagine

30:57

years to come people find out that it

31:00

was actually going to start burning it down and we

31:02

were being paid by them. But

31:07

there was loads of really bad fires in

31:09

Glasgow though as well, like really like beakeries

31:11

and stuff like that and really, I think

31:13

school burned down. We went to

31:16

the Steiner, used to be up by York, how?

31:18

The Steiner? I don't know what's stereotype here,

31:20

but they were a bunch of useless fucking

31:22

hippies. Fire

31:25

brigade, you really need to rewire

31:27

that top floor, they were

31:29

like, what happened if we don't? And

31:32

they found out, you'd fuck around and then you

31:34

find out. They left us a message on the

31:36

phone that was like, could you come to Pig

31:39

Store up because the school

31:42

is burning down? And I was like,

31:44

what? Happy, that

31:46

must have been an exaggeration and it arrived down,

31:48

it was snowing and all the kids are standing

31:50

outside hugging each other for a

31:52

while. Well there's a burning building. I gave

31:54

it a bit of the time, it was

31:56

just like, and smoking whatever. And I Went

31:59

home and. The my village. But.

32:01

Then under five hundred thousand and it's

32:03

heard about my school you know is

32:05

what fi that him and their as

32:07

i hadn't been for hims fire engines

32:10

oh rained it wasn't under his eyes

32:12

was bespoke that as a year but

32:14

you know i'll be staying school job

32:16

and we get a laptop but i

32:18

just to i didn't they stayed in

32:20

school and as just plates for the

32:22

attracted keepers enough anyway i didn't pan

32:24

am and and similar. Manner.

32:27

City. But then. As soon

32:29

as they said about the oh this

32:31

must select a so when he said

32:33

earlier than how and they found out

32:35

and that to be to beat spades

32:37

he'd see it as good as they

32:39

etti feel that I'll see such serious

32:42

C D s as A as a

32:44

Belgians you'd love to see but then

32:46

and bus goes. Because.

32:51

Galleys. I think they could start that again. As.

32:53

Good as it be. Turning out

32:55

he steps sisters is when few

32:57

decent fucking mates like another. The

32:59

death. And. In there isn't. A

33:02

problem is too many people pro tennis they'll they'll

33:04

say why? Does it not of the Zola protester?

33:07

A Love the guys who scream about

33:09

Jesus. They said they know music. Those

33:11

things, no music from summer with a

33:13

through the whole bunch as a substation

33:16

in the people who scheme about Jesus

33:18

who tend to congregate. A said Victoria's

33:20

Secret Muslim. These and. But. As one

33:22

mean, I. And another guy in

33:24

his late started off been an African. And.

33:27

Can inflate Church of Jesus tape

33:30

did his my gone over to

33:32

know music guy but enormous you

33:34

guys Sometimes Alexei says no music.

33:37

Whereas. i just often this is no

33:39

music know sang and he's like a

33:41

proper to enjoy yourself can at fire

33:43

and brimstone yogurt and we see we

33:45

see the raid this mislead setting up

33:48

the fitness is it I

34:02

came out of John Lewis one day and

34:04

they were all there, all the kind of lot

34:07

bauderers were there, right next to the bus station

34:09

and as I crossed the road I was going

34:11

up into the car park and there

34:13

must have been about 6 or 8 of them

34:15

and they'd make a phone and they were like,

34:17

call me 6 Charlotte, he's a sin and everything

34:19

was a sin and they had some placards and

34:21

they had some flyers and they were flying and

34:23

everybody and as I was crossing the

34:25

road two of them just turned round and looked at me

34:28

and I looked at them and I thought, oh I'm right in the

34:30

mood for this and

34:32

they just put their heads down and

34:34

walked out and I thought, even the

34:36

Lord can't save me man, they're like,

34:38

she is so far down. This

34:43

is when you look at really heavy weights in the

34:45

gym. No, no, it's never going to happen. No,

34:48

no, that's a little bit of a build up to it. She's

34:52

a project, we can't, I only feel

34:54

it's not going to change her life.

34:56

I always flabbergasted by how shite.

35:00

Do you know the ones that stand and they've

35:03

got all the magazines, all the brochures and

35:05

they've got the wee stand and they just kind

35:07

of sit there and every time I

35:09

go in there they're never like, big issue,

35:11

big issue people, like, hey big issue, big issue. They

35:14

just, people just kind of sit down there like, we've got brochures,

35:16

if you're interested come and talk and they're always just kind of

35:18

like, talking to each other and you're like, you just, you

35:21

just have to try it very hard. No, no.

35:23

The thing is they say, like

35:25

when you consider what you get in there, but we don't

35:27

think you should use the

35:29

word imprecise, you know, some people

35:32

might be a bit like, some

35:34

people have shaky hands. They start a Covid,

35:36

they start a lockdown. I was walking down

35:38

Buchanan Street and there was a

35:40

guy, a young guy, he made a beard, you see him

35:43

sometimes, I put him beard, it's nice, it's on Buchanan Street.

35:45

And he was like, people walking

35:47

down the street today will be

35:49

dead tonight and in hell.

35:52

I mean, can't really perceive

35:54

that. No,

35:56

it's not clear. It's an

35:58

amp, when did they get it? When

36:01

did they start to believe in electricity? Why did

36:03

they always have the cheapest amp possible? They always

36:05

have like, if you really believed in God you

36:07

would spring for the PV250. Do

36:10

you know what I mean? You never practice amp, you

36:12

can't wait practicing for it. It's just

36:14

not your main event. It's

36:17

just to help your career. I just think,

36:20

really invest in your AV. What was your,

36:22

you spoke to God, you prayed at night

36:24

and he was like giving you really specific

36:26

amps. I

36:28

think that's what we need to sleep for. So

36:32

listen. So incantingly beat. Get

36:34

your marshal. Bread has having

36:36

sounded terrible in that amp. Can you improve

36:38

it for next week? Can you

36:40

get your stepmother to sing it from within

36:43

a... Oh no! The

36:45

acoustics. The back of a bush.

36:48

Did the angel stepmothers in there if you just hit

36:50

the 40 degree

36:52

cycle? Yeah. Pretty much.

36:55

30 minutes. 60 minutes. Yeah,

36:58

it's something I worry about.

37:01

I feel like there's no music guys. I think

37:03

they've been radically as likely started off quite

37:05

normal Christians but being next to those

37:08

buskers probably drove them mental. You can

37:10

only hear Shape of You acoustically,

37:12

so runtime. And pretty much no music. By the

37:14

end of the can, Steve. Yeah. By

37:17

the time you get down to

37:19

St. Enoch's, pad it. You're over it. Yeah. Do

37:22

you like to prepare to sell yourself to the Christians? Yeah,

37:26

I don't think I'd raise much. No. I

37:29

suspect those people just aren't very musical. Mmm.

37:32

Do you know what I mean? But why not just get a payer? No,

37:35

it's kind of like headphones and then the whole world becomes no music.

37:37

Do you know what I mean? The

37:40

world's borderless. Of sinister

37:42

though. Yeah. Of

37:44

sinister. You try to get out of it.

37:49

I think they just hate themselves. I

37:51

think they're probably sociopaths, borderline serial

37:53

killers. People

37:55

who believe it good? No. Just the people that

37:57

kind of border the world. Lord

38:00

and everybody else on the street. I think if

38:02

you just go to church and do your thing,

38:04

that's up to you and that's your thing. But

38:07

I think if you're out trying to

38:09

convert people and it's always through hate,

38:11

it's always through division, they're never like,

38:14

Jesus says love to everyone, they're

38:16

like Jesus says love everyone, except,

38:18

well here's Alice. All

38:20

my sexuals are bound to

38:23

hell, they will burn their

38:25

lives for the sin. And

38:27

you're like, you're gay, aren't

38:30

you? You're gay and you

38:32

hate yourself. Do

38:34

you know what it means? It's hard to

38:36

look at yourself than it is at other

38:38

people and then just people turning it all

38:40

out. Do you know what I mean? And

38:42

you're like, you need to engage with the

38:44

eye of sordid. A bit

38:46

of self-knowledge. How are

38:49

you ring up that hell? Let's

38:51

plunge it into the files of

38:53

Mount Doom. Yeah, I would say

38:55

so. I think really

38:57

plunge that ring into something and release

38:59

themselves. That's the

39:02

money to do. But

39:04

what if they keep teaching? I

39:08

know I said it was gone,

39:10

but actually you should

39:12

all be gay. You

39:15

know, but you never really, it's that thing,

39:18

you never have to advertise certain things,

39:20

you never have to advertise drugs or coffee and

39:22

stuff because it kind of sells itself. Maybe

39:26

that's true of gayness as well.

39:28

You never see anybody going, I

39:30

don't worry. Join the congregation of

39:32

gay, you know. Oh, just then

39:34

you come, magic. Wow,

39:37

come on. Come

39:39

on then. Honestly, it's much easier than with advice.

39:41

So then you come, then you come. I know

39:44

your mum might be a bit upset, but that's

39:46

all right. Come on. She probably won't.

39:48

She'll be happy. She'll get a gay side. Wait, it's full. Somebody

39:51

to watch Chocolat with. Such

39:53

a wee Chocolat-vous. Well,

39:55

it's quite, does your mum with that like Chocolat for? They

39:59

have few passions. Jiggy

40:01

Tatum's dancing, Johnny Debs chocolate

40:03

here, in

40:05

a self-sitting blimps. Donegal

40:09

sounds like a well place. I really, I

40:12

really, I'm gonna go, we're gonna go to

40:14

Ireland later on this year and I'm absolutely

40:16

buzzing for it. I

40:18

think the reason they

40:20

don't tell you anything is because they're from

40:22

Donegal because nobody in Donegal

40:25

will tell you anything. That

40:27

is a very guarded community.

40:30

A very guarded border

40:33

community in essentially the

40:36

north of the south and borders

40:39

with the British state

40:42

and that's... I tried to buy a house and Donegal,

40:44

so there's a sign up in the garden. Phones

40:47

again, I see a house just for sale in the garden. No,

40:50

who told you that? I've

40:55

just taken a few hundreds of

40:57

thousands of pounds. Even then, also

41:00

he denied being the person. He was

41:02

like, is it like that? Sun's all whatever, Perk

41:05

Galligan's like, no, but I can get a message.

41:07

That's amazing. That's

41:09

the eye in the over there, you know,

41:11

they've always got a bit of a twinkle

41:14

and they're always slightly taking a piss. And that's

41:16

from the British. That's from being

41:19

impressed. That's kind of like, I need

41:21

to show everybody else that I'm not down with this Perk. At

41:24

the same time, I've got to talk to the fucker. This

41:26

guy's got a gun, but they're on my

41:28

bowels. So, hence there's a constant air of

41:30

mischief. Even very old

41:33

people are incredibly mischievous. Donegal

41:35

should use that as a slogan. Come

41:38

to Donegal, a constant air of

41:40

mischief. Like very much underselling

41:42

its role in the troubles, but

41:44

I like it. I like it.

41:46

Bit of mischief to have by

41:48

the border there. Oh, I'm sure

41:50

they're poor lads. In you come

41:52

lads. So why is Donegal obviously

41:54

a big question for someone to

41:56

ask who's not very knowledgeable about

41:58

the troubles? Irish republicanism

42:00

is the pay to use probably

42:03

but... Wait a minute, whatever,

42:05

that I mean that was quite a role

42:08

pay into that sentence. I'm not as au

42:10

fait with Irish republicanism unlike you two. As

42:13

racist Irish people basically. Irish

42:15

Catholic! I

42:18

know y'all stuck! That would have

42:21

been recessed in your bloodline incident but you're both the

42:24

least you see each other like Apple dwellers

42:26

or whatever, right? So not

42:29

that you've ever been in that area of medicine but

42:31

why is Donaghull, because Donaghull

42:34

is more northern than the North Island,

42:37

so why was it not included in that?

42:39

Because at the time they were drawn

42:41

up the treaty after the War

42:44

of Independence, if it included Donaghull

42:46

as part of Northern Ireland, it

42:48

would have created a majority

42:51

of Catholics within the province. So they

42:54

would have originally wanted Donaghull and Monaghan

42:57

to be part of an host

42:59

to the Northern Ireland and so people

43:01

at Eam Paisley, they felt that Donaghull

43:03

was a part of

43:05

Northern Ireland, they would have wanted it, you know? Like

43:09

that's why it was such a big thing for Sinn Féin

43:12

to be seen even though it's a kind of

43:14

joint thing between Sinn Féin and the DUP but

43:16

that's why it was so kind of symbolic that

43:19

Sinn Féin wouldn't be elected as

43:21

it were because the whole state

43:24

had been set up so then that would never

43:26

happen. Right, okay. It was set up so there

43:28

was always a kind of dairy mender. Well,

43:30

it's not for me to say. But

43:34

they had basically set it up like that so that there

43:36

would always be a kind of core

43:40

of Protestants and they would

43:42

always kind of be

43:44

in power or real and they would always eat the

43:46

British because they were part of that and that kind

43:49

of thing. So that's how

43:51

they did the Donaghull. The people

43:53

in Donaghull tell you nothing. And

43:56

like nothing. They Would

43:58

times it. I'm another

44:01

animal to know if this

44:03

is a say I. Think

44:05

is fairly see. Have surmise

44:08

that lists play heavily involved. And.

44:11

The toll booths them but nord.

44:14

They. They flee Merlis Please people

44:16

with run a week to get

44:18

paid a C I a season

44:20

such least six liter. Sad

44:24

face a place so nobody ever see

44:26

say the son of a and sincere.

44:41

Keeps. Bad.

44:44

An elite Players. As

44:47

that purely jokes is as that.

44:49

Was partly sheep farm and as well they.

44:52

Could. Be why a few things of that land would

44:54

be good fun is known. Predicted. Like

44:56

myspace, stony and met.

44:59

I mean, it's. A

45:01

It's. A little

45:03

place when I well I you and

45:05

her and the middle of the last

45:07

line seat to. A.

45:09

Snort and wins. Lucid

45:12

be an exhaust seats. With

45:15

a population owns a couple

45:17

hundred fifty says less than

45:19

that. Select with. Sas.

45:21

Since the size of lest. Ye

45:24

olde plenty so it's pretty sparse. Oh

45:26

so little three policies are weeks which

45:28

we from Glasgow the go to Donegal

45:30

wasted one of us. Was.

45:33

Going to bust cigarette butts from what used

45:35

to be I say the tend to focus

45:38

with l yes and associate and authors say

45:40

the subject with the on the says say

45:42

just the i cannot up from if zone

45:44

taylor come on the loot them. When.

45:46

You do this bus and that with

45:49

t you have of trees and Danny

45:51

Colbert take you on a disparity. By.

45:54

Let everybody's zippy video I'd

45:56

say. Silly. Kim Soo Buddy's

45:58

mom always. I

46:00

to make sandwiches and speedy steaks

46:02

with the smith said mags a

46:05

Cd since the fire and lease

46:07

by pay me had. To

46:10

die yet they see it would. Affect

46:15

the death death of an. I

46:18

saw these heads. Good travel set. Killer

46:20

is your one. Like giannini and sleep

46:22

super we had to pick them else

46:24

on a bus audible you know basis

46:26

with her for can then you get

46:29

another. Am. Ports those

46:31

same coach had to left him. As for

46:33

the big puts with stop leave new bit

46:35

of a while and Mckinney's of a couple

46:37

hours and we don't go by a pocket

46:40

knife but once we had any of old

46:42

in those days knows every part of the

46:44

holidays stick a nice. Stuff.

46:46

On a to he can hide, it's one. Of

46:49

his jollies and details. But.

46:51

They were. Camouflage.

46:53

With then you get on the

46:56

We bus. But. Sometimes even

46:58

such as lab and will sit beside

47:00

him unless he would have to go

47:02

into of everybody all for that individual

47:04

pace in the middle of nowhere see

47:06

all of imminent death from bad know

47:08

where she can be in a house.

47:11

With. Add family. I mean

47:13

so subunits stay on a farm.

47:17

Amazing. Can we

47:19

see? Go And. I. Will Silence and

47:21

Scully can see here. Sickly.

47:24

It again is so say. Well,

47:26

as up unseen we should do the maybe

47:28

some than boldfaced less Than a Test special.

47:30

I am and letting the media of the

47:32

little who is this man? The diary. Kid

47:34

I'm not start in the media than love

47:36

those in the podcast as less than eight.

47:39

And oh I didn't realize that the to

47:41

have one in at a star. The podcast

47:43

begun People Not Kill X it gave us.

47:45

a daughter told me she said. He.

47:47

Will he does his thing and to listen to that

47:49

does not really suitable for the and it when it's

47:52

really want to books and in is just use talk

47:54

a bit Barbra Streisand. effect

47:56

f f f f f f f

47:58

l a s Imagine the podcast

48:00

starts with, Oh, welcome to Here Comes

48:02

the Galatine. I'm Chris McClellan Boyd. I'm

48:04

Frankie. I'm Susan McKipp. I'm Daniel O'Donnell.

48:06

And we just kind of, we

48:09

just kind of swing into it and we don't

48:12

mention it. No, I never really thought about whether

48:14

a sheep or a goat could survive in the

48:16

desert, you know. But it's quite

48:18

interesting. I have a genuinely loved Daniel O'Donnell.

48:20

Oh, I had the stepmother. Why

48:23

is she stuck? Whoa, cocks.

48:26

Could we grease her up and get her out of there?

48:29

Oh, she's

48:33

already greased up. Okay. Lena,

48:35

is that a festival? You

48:38

lying, Samara? That's a lot. I

48:41

think we should do it. I think we should

48:43

do it. We've done explicably. Three episodes a set

48:45

in rural Donegal. Right, so

48:48

I was under the impression that this was a

48:50

little Miss Sunshine style child,

48:52

children's beauty

48:55

contest. But it's actually adult

48:57

women. Oh yeah, you

48:59

were interested when you started. No, I wasn't interested.

49:01

I was disinterested. You were. I was

49:03

disinterested in the Irish child

49:06

beauty contest. No, it's

49:08

adult women. Okay. And

49:10

Irish centers from around the world will

49:13

send a Chicago Mary. None of them are

49:15

really called Mary. The Chicago

49:17

Mary, the Donegal Mary, the Glasgow Mary,

49:20

the New York Mary. Like the Miss

49:22

Congeniality of Marys. One of us could

49:24

be the Glasgow Mary. Could

49:26

be you. Could be me. I'm

49:29

happy we went and entered

49:31

into the competition. 27th

49:37

of July to the 5th of August. Right, well, I

49:39

mean, I can be there for the start of it.

49:41

I'm all in. The fringe start. Sorry, I need to

49:43

get my exit immediately. You get my exit as well.

49:46

Do not run at the biggest art space when

49:48

there wasn't so much show. I

49:50

can do two shows at Mary and then be over.

49:53

Just fly straight in the Edinburgh, straight to

49:55

the fringe, ready. If you're an

49:57

organizer of the Bay Area of the Gmoo Festival. getting

50:00

contact with us. Yeah. And we'll talk to

50:02

the criminal judge. Bonsus for nothing. We'll

50:05

put it for now. Oh yeah? We'll

50:07

use some dulse. Dulse

50:09

is a popular snack there

50:11

that is essentially seaweed. Seaweed?

50:15

Yeah. They do that in Wales, don't they? They have lava

50:17

bread. And it's like bread

50:19

with bits of seaweed in it. It's like

50:21

a wee cake or something. Right, we're not

50:23

bothered with a cake. It's just

50:26

eating hand-frosts of seaweed. Mm-hmm. I

50:28

do, yeah. Whatever. How do they make that? They

50:30

just dry it. I need to. It's

50:33

salty. Uh-huh. Oh,

50:36

a savoury snack. Yeah. I

50:39

don't know if I'd be up for that. I'm quite scared of seaweed. What?

50:43

Not even eating it. And just to foresee it, I

50:45

don't like it. I'd be near my feet in case

50:48

it grabs me or something. Even

50:50

though, obviously, I know seaweed

50:52

isn't a grabable thing. You scared of

50:54

sharks? Not as much

50:56

as I'm scared of seaweed. That's irrational. Yeah,

50:58

that's irrational for sure. That's wild. Are

51:01

you a fiddish, Alex? Yeah,

51:03

very. Anytime I'm missing,

51:05

I'm just constantly looking

51:07

for sharks. Off the coast of Donegal. They

51:11

can go anywhere. Yeah, they can't go anywhere. They

51:13

like warm water, but they can be anywhere. And

51:15

they filmed a great white from

51:17

an oil rig in Aberdeen. A

51:20

great white? They can go anywhere. Imagine

51:23

you were just running in the

51:25

sea off Aberdeen for a laugh. You're

51:27

pals. Or Greg Hempel or someone. And

51:30

a great white. Imagine Greg Hempel is in

51:32

the ocean. Greg Hempel is doing a TV

51:34

show about wild swimming. Oh,

51:37

yes, yeah, with his wife. Yeah. Who's from Malamori.

51:39

But imagine they were both consumed

51:42

by a great white. Off

51:44

the coast of Aberdeen. And maybe she's gone and

51:46

we'd feel compelled to air the food. Like

51:50

if you're not here, so I'd call that a

51:52

grizzly man documentary where he listens to the footage

51:54

of it and watches the footage. Have you seen

51:56

that? No. And I heard some of this documentary

51:58

called Grizzly Man. And he's like. I

52:00

have found footage of

52:02

your husband being

52:04

hit by a bear. So

52:07

I do the card that, yeah, and he's like,

52:09

I will not allow you, I will

52:11

not show it in the film, but I

52:13

will show you me listening to it. And

52:16

then he puts headphones on and listens

52:18

to it silently. This

52:20

woman's husband being eaten, and then he's just like, no.

52:25

You should destroy this. This should be

52:27

destroyed. That is cam. It's such a great way

52:29

of showing you how nightmarish it is, sir. Ask him.

52:31

For a film about a guy being eaten by a

52:33

bear, it's really funny. This

52:36

guy's like a real idiot. He thinks

52:38

he can hang out with bears, really,

52:40

really dangerous, hungry bears. And

52:43

he's just like slapping them in the nose and

52:45

stuff. This is chocolate. And he's

52:47

like, he's really very closeted. Let's

52:49

see. I know. There's

52:52

a bit where he's like a bee and a

52:54

flower, and he starts to cry. He's like, the

52:56

bee's died. Oh, my God. He

52:58

really starts to like the horror of nature

53:00

and stuff. And then it just gets up

53:03

and flies off. And then I bear it.

53:08

So do you think maybe it'd be quite unusual

53:10

for BBC Scotland to go

53:12

from like a stone skimming

53:14

documentary to whatever else

53:16

to show? And then, oh, here's

53:18

Greg, a cool beloved Canadian Scottish

53:20

comedian and director being eaten alive

53:23

by a great white shark. But I think he

53:25

needs to leave that going, if I get eaten

53:27

by a white shark, these

53:29

are my, this is my world. I want this

53:31

made in here for, you know, episodes. That's for

53:33

hugging me or something like that. Yeah. Happy

53:36

New Year. Are we up for that? You wouldn't want

53:38

that. No, I'm sure. We're at school.

53:41

Yeah. So would you ever go out swimming or

53:43

are you too scared of sharks? Oh, I

53:46

do. I'm more scared of shit. Shit.

53:48

Isn't it weird that the wild swimming

53:51

fad has emerged just as they

53:53

start pumping shit into the

53:55

rivers as maybe these wild swimmers are

53:58

called prophyliacs. Yeah. Shit

54:00

eaters. And now they've just found

54:02

this socially acceptable and

54:04

Greg just gets hosed off before he does.

54:10

There's a whole cleanup section they miss out. He's like,

54:12

oh yeah, that was great. What

54:14

was me doing? The

54:18

wild swimmers don't get any cool way because

54:21

of all the shit in the water. There

54:25

was a politician talking about

54:28

whatever his constituency was, but how much shit

54:30

there is in the water. And then animals

54:33

are picking it up because dogs are going

54:35

to go through

54:37

a river and they're coming back and getting

54:39

all these diseases. And they like your face.

54:41

All of a sudden you've got... Not

54:44

only their face and their balls. Yeah. The

54:46

dog runs in. You've

54:48

misjudged the radius

54:50

of the washing machine. Fires

54:54

you into the tub. I'd

54:59

like to think about that. We've

55:05

actually piloted. I

55:07

don't want to say we as in the

55:09

UK. It's still... Gollins better than the...

55:11

Gollins much better, yeah, because we're not

55:13

pumping shit into it. But in

55:15

the... Quite

55:17

literally loads

55:19

of human shit getting pumped into the sea for

55:21

a laugh. I was

55:24

in like... What's the name of that big park

55:26

in London? Hyde Park? Yeah. And

55:29

there's like a wild swimming bat in there. And

55:31

I'm like, what are you going to swim? I

55:34

wouldn't even drink London water. No, I know. Never

55:36

mind fucking plunge. Submerge

55:39

beneath the surface. The

55:42

fucking diarrhea. Remember

55:45

when Darius Dinesh drank London water

55:47

and put him in a coma? What?

55:50

Darius Dinesh. I write pee. He

55:52

died for other reasons more recently.

55:55

But 15 years

55:58

ago he drank Thames water. He

56:00

was doing this documentary about how

56:02

Thames water can be treated and

56:05

it makes it drinkable but they had that

56:07

example of the untreated water and the treated

56:09

water, he accidentally drank the untreated water and

56:11

he was like blind for a day or

56:13

something. Colour-blind.

56:17

That's beautiful, that's a thing

56:19

of beauty. What

56:22

a crazy guy, I repeat. But also,

56:25

that's horrendous. Yeah,

56:27

yeah. And

56:29

it's like, oh, you can always swim in

56:32

the Thames between March

56:34

and fucking September.

56:37

You can't do the winter and I'm like, oh, I

56:39

can't imagine it's greater to any point in the year

56:41

to be fucking swimming in diarrhea. I

56:44

think, also English shit. Yeah.

56:47

And is it probably qualitatively different?

56:50

Probably full of cocaine

56:52

and... Well, there

56:54

was that programme, wasn't there? I

56:56

think it was at Panorama a couple of years ago

56:58

that was taking like... They were talking

57:01

about pollution in the rivers, this is

57:03

before we actually started to properly pollute

57:06

it and they were taking water samples from

57:08

reservoir and it was just like filled

57:11

with cocaine, like just

57:13

so many drugs and it was just

57:16

like basically everybody's own

57:18

cookie. Because we were talking

57:20

about Richard Pryor's coke cum. How

57:22

Richard Pryor was doing so much coke that

57:24

his cum had numbing qualities and

57:26

you got to wonder, is

57:29

that what fish are going through right now? If

57:31

they're swimming about dolphins and seals, if

57:33

there's that much coke and shit in

57:35

the water, it's just completely numb. It's

57:38

just like fucking Tom York from Radiohead.

57:41

Some Lincoln Park shit, you know? It's

57:44

the life of a Scottish dove. It's

57:47

very similar to being in a rap metal band. Maybe

57:49

the Foyo song will start to become more like

57:51

Radiohead as they become utterly numb. Aww. That's

57:57

why they're bitching themselves. the

58:00

bus girls? They're hearing that and they're

58:02

like no music. No more okay computer.

58:05

I'm down. Straight

58:07

into fucking brain pure. Yeah.

58:10

Yeah. It's true. Well. And

58:12

what have we done? Another?

58:16

Think so. I feel

58:18

prejudgeable if we took a couple. Hi

58:20

Arr. Hi Arr. That's

58:23

it this week for Here Comes

58:25

The Gility. We'll be back next

58:27

week with more anti-authoritarianism and Chummy

58:29

Left. You can get all

58:32

the episodes of Here Comes The Gility

58:34

on Global Player right now. Search for

58:36

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58:38

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