0:01

Ted Audio Collective. You're.

0:11

Listening to how to be a better Human I'm

0:13

your host Chris dummy. Someone.

0:15

Once told me that any time someone gives

0:18

you advice they're really just saying the things

0:20

that they themselves need to here and I

0:22

know that that is definitely true and I

0:24

give advice. Thirty seconds then I hear myself

0:26

saying things like you're gonna give agree podcast

0:28

introduction just believe in yourself and don't over

0:30

think it, you have the skills and then

0:33

the other person on talking to his like

0:35

I'm actually was asking for advice about how

0:37

to bake bread. So my point being, it's

0:39

hard to give good advice, It's hard to

0:41

not make it about you. I am of

0:43

the opinion that most times the best. Thing.

0:45

You could do to help another person is just listen

0:47

to them. But. Every once in awhile

0:50

a solid piece of advice can lead to a

0:52

breakthrough. It can make us feel less alone and

0:54

it can be really fun to witness. Today's.

0:56

Guest John Paul Bremer is an expert on

0:59

giving advice that is actually helpful. Actually,

1:01

Useful and so much fun to listen to. So.

1:04

Much fun that strangers myself included have been

1:06

hanging on his every word for years. John.

1:09

Paul is the author of All A Poppy, how

1:11

to Come Out in a Walmart parking Lot and

1:13

other life lessons. And as a long time advice

1:15

columnist, he's here to teach us his craft. Here's.

1:17

A quick. And will give the

1:20

normal advice that you know a good

1:22

buddy would give when someone's feeling down

1:24

or like having issues and their relationship.

1:26

but most advice that it's bare bones

1:28

comes down to just communicate more with

1:30

each other. A It's often to

1:33

someone being like oh I'm worried that my

1:35

partner think that this what should I do

1:37

and it's like have you brought that up

1:39

to them and month nine times out in

1:42

know that because they just have it Didn't

1:44

though it's me like dressing up, communicate better

1:46

in different hats and outfits and pretending that

1:48

it's different columns. We're

1:53

going to be looking at all of those hats

1:55

with John Paul and laughing a lot over the

1:57

course of this episode. But first a couple of

1:59

podcast that. How

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radio lab we love. Nothing

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Science Neuroscience Chemistry That. But

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about policing or politics, country

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the world and radio lab adventures on the

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edge of what we think we know. Wherever.

3:50

You get your i guess. Today.

3:52

We're talking about how to give and how to

3:55

receive advice. Would John Paul Bremer? Hi

3:57

everyone My name is John Paul Bremer I

3:59

am. The offer of all a poppy how

4:01

to come out in a Walmart parking lot

4:03

and other life lessons as well as on

4:06

a puppy. The advice column I'm really I'm

4:08

really excited Zoc you have been a fan

4:10

of your ever writing and your for like

4:12

I said this is this a real honor

4:14

and thank you So let's start. For people

4:16

who maybe aren't familiar with are you reading

4:18

already and can you just tell us the

4:20

story of how your column or poppy got

4:22

started? It all. Up Hobby is

4:24

sort of a joke. they got

4:26

taken too far. I was working

4:28

as a journalist back and twenty

4:30

seventeen. Kind. Of a reporter doing

4:33

a mix of like some culture writing

4:35

but mostly beat reporting and I was

4:37

really trying to make it as a

4:39

writer in New York City which was

4:41

very difficult. I was barely making rent.

4:44

And. I had a friend. Who. Had

4:46

just started writing for this new outlet

4:48

called in to and it was launched

4:50

of all things by Grinder. So Grinder,

4:53

which is a mostly known as a

4:55

gay hookah pipe they were trying to

4:57

do the Playboy i'm just here for

4:59

the articles route at the time and

5:01

so they were sort of like snatching

5:04

up queer writers here in there and

5:06

trying to get them to do weekly

5:08

Columns are monthly columns a series and

5:10

my friend Matthew at Reagan was like,

5:12

hey, I know that you're looking for

5:15

freelance work. In addition, To some of

5:17

your reporting would you be interested in

5:19

putting a column? And. Of course I

5:21

was. I was very keen on picking

5:23

up as much freelance work as I

5:25

could. The only issue was I was

5:27

already really stressed out, can over worked

5:29

as it was and I was unsure

5:31

if I would be able to really

5:33

come up with something new to write

5:35

about every single week, which is what

5:37

they wanted. And that's when I got

5:39

the idea for and advice column called

5:42

will a Puppy because all a puppy

5:44

with something that people on Grinder would

5:46

say to me sometimes I have Latino

5:48

listed as my ethnicity on the app

5:50

as. I would get it now and then.

5:52

and I was thinking about and advice column

5:54

couple a puppy because I was like okay

5:56

I can't come up with a new topic

5:59

to write about. The single week. I

6:01

don't know if I'm that observational of

6:03

a person, but the thing about advice

6:05

column is people come to you with

6:07

the prompt and people ask you a

6:09

question and you can just use that

6:12

as the subject matter. So I sort

6:14

of reverse engineered and advice column without

6:16

really having. I. Would say the

6:18

requisite knowledge about what the medium was

6:20

and what it's requirements would be And

6:22

so to the compensate for that I

6:25

thought okay, It'll. Be a satirical

6:27

advice column so people right into me

6:29

but my answers will be self aggrandizing

6:31

and with can talk about how amazing

6:33

I am. I'm just gonna sort of

6:35

ignores whatever the question they sent was.

6:38

I don't know if you've ever seen

6:40

the show Space Ghost coast to coast

6:42

before of course. so it was sort

6:44

of like inspired by Space Ghost of

6:46

all things where it's like yeah, Space

6:48

Ghost is a host of a talk

6:50

show but he's really bad at his

6:52

job. Like he ignores the celebrity guests,

6:54

whoever it is like some. Famous singer,

6:57

them, famous actor. He would just sort of

6:59

ignore them and focus on himself or carry

7:01

on with his work drama with his coworkers.

7:03

And so I thought, okay, I'll do that,

7:06

it'll be. A. Fun silly little

7:08

advice column where someone simply a question

7:10

like cyber cup of my boyfriend but

7:12

I to start talking about my own

7:14

love life or a to start talking

7:16

the all the daytime having or it's

7:18

like oh totally relate to you I'm

7:20

like a winner. I will now like

7:22

to discuss as jokey jokes rates so

7:24

I kind of launched it that way

7:26

and it was a success at first

7:28

because it was funny and I think

7:30

that the first question was about like

7:32

am I racist because I'm into latino

7:35

guys and I'm like a white guy

7:37

he. Was solicitors from one of my friends

7:39

in real life I just needed up and

7:41

yada like of the I am I neither.

7:43

funny question semi one. And. When he

7:45

said me that on like this is perfect

7:47

so I got to deflect growth Tam I

7:49

got to call him like because he was

7:52

talking about learning Spanish and having this genuine

7:54

interest and latino culture is I believe I

7:56

call him like to put li mayo in

7:58

the peace or something. Really does

8:00

email. funny and it works. But the

8:03

thing about all a puppy and advice

8:05

column being sent through the app which

8:07

it was which is how they advertise

8:10

it. So after it launched they launched

8:12

the first column. They scented the people

8:14

all over the gay sex having world,

8:16

not just the United States, but beyond.

8:19

And within like a week, My.

8:22

Inbox we're completely flooded with letters.

8:25

Because. I think if you're on Grinder in

8:27

the first place, you're probably lonely. You're probably

8:29

looking for a connection of some kind. And.

8:32

Being. Able to didn't send someone a

8:35

letter. With. V almost guarantee

8:37

that they'll read it. I. Think

8:39

elicited lot of feelings from people and

8:41

it made people think oh this is

8:43

a place where I can really put

8:45

my problems. And a lot of

8:47

these people were from countries where game

8:49

this is not as accepted as it

8:51

is here in the Us and so

8:53

a lot of them felt like this

8:55

is a rare opportunity for me to

8:57

express something them not able to express

9:00

my real life or even with strangers

9:02

online. I am anonymous. This. Person said

9:04

of that they want to hear from me and so.

9:06

I started receiving all these letters and the thing about

9:08

it was. They were not letters I

9:10

could make fun of. The here we're not situations

9:13

that I could make jokes about. All.

9:15

Of Hoppy started as a joke, became

9:17

earnest overtime. It's still funny I would

9:19

say. but yeah, I had to kind

9:21

of grow into my role as an

9:24

actual advice columnist because I put myself

9:26

in a ridiculous situation. you not? One

9:28

thing I'm I'm struck by reading all

9:30

a puppy is that a breaks the

9:32

format of what it means to be

9:34

like in advice columnist, both in who

9:37

you are in the people that you're

9:39

giving advice to in the city may

9:41

since you're giving advice to but that

9:43

mainly in the tone right? Like when

9:45

he comes to normal advice columns are very like

9:47

self serious and it from this of on high

9:50

I know it all and let me tell you

9:52

that where the fourth disposed to go next to

9:54

the plate and instead I think one of the

9:56

reasons why I at least love reading all a

9:58

puppy is that like you share. The.

10:00

Ways in which you are not sure about

10:02

these things in which you're struggling and many

10:05

times there are letter writers. Were you say

10:07

like wow? something? you got something figured out

10:09

that I don't. And. Then you, you're

10:11

able to turn that into a joke and also. Gives.

10:14

Some really meaningful thoughts about like

10:16

connection and people. Yeah, I think

10:18

back to my. Biggest. Inspirations

10:20

in terms of advice giving and maybe

10:23

inspirations or on where it I think

10:25

about the people who have actually given

10:27

me material tangible advice in my life.

10:29

and I came out as gay in

10:31

Oklahoma, where I'm from. I'm from a

10:34

very rural part of the states. And.

10:37

I didn't even know gay people existed for very

10:39

long time. And so I didn't

10:41

come out until I was around twenty.

10:43

And. That was just because my environment

10:46

with so hostile to the idea. I

10:48

was bullied really badly in middle school

10:50

for leaving for being gay. But as

10:52

for being suspected of being gay for

10:54

being a feminine thing having interest that

10:57

sort of deviated from what other boys

10:59

my age should have been into which

11:01

looked a lot like hunting and driving

11:03

a T V. Then you know the

11:05

typical rule country guy kind of activities

11:08

that I just would not into. And

11:10

so when I came out I knew

11:12

nothing. I remember the first. Time. I've

11:14

dipped my toes into the gay community

11:16

in college and this guy was like

11:18

so are you a top and I

11:20

was like a top at what because

11:23

I thought he meant like a top

11:25

students. They

11:28

had no idea. Obviously there's very

11:31

little sex education in Oklahoma

11:33

of for gay guys so. A.

11:35

Lot of my education came very informally

11:38

from two guys I met at bars

11:40

like i force myself to go to

11:42

gay bar and started talking to people

11:44

and I wouldn't listen and people would

11:46

start filling me in in terms of

11:48

what the slang was, what the politics

11:50

were because it really is like learning

11:52

a completely separate language. Like all the

11:54

little ways that we have to signal

11:56

to each other like this is the

11:58

kind of person I. This is

12:00

what I'm into. This is my sense

12:02

of humor at if like a separate

12:04

vocabulary in the gay community that I

12:06

just didn't know about and says getting

12:08

caught up to speed and my teachers

12:10

my mentors we're really just whoever was

12:12

sitting around and whoever is ear I

12:15

had and whoever I could ask questions

12:17

and I feel very fortunate that I

12:19

met the right people when I came

12:21

out and people who are willing to

12:23

send a take me under their wing

12:25

and sort of listen to what I

12:27

had to say in China. Taught me

12:29

the ropes you. Know and though when

12:31

I started doing all a puppy, I kind

12:33

of thought of it as a less formal

12:35

enterprise than some of the other advice columns

12:38

are out there. A kind no one has

12:40

to be like I'm your friend at a

12:42

bar or I'm like this cool stranger that

12:44

you just met. but I'm willing to listen

12:47

to you and we can joke around together

12:49

and I don't think I have all the

12:51

answers, but I think we can have a

12:53

good time in our conversation and that sort

12:56

of ride your inspiration because the community resources

12:58

that were available to me. Were.

13:00

So informal. like I didn't pick up a

13:02

booklet or a pamphlet and start reading stuff.

13:05

Miguel: That's how this works. and I think

13:07

sense. Now my favorite all a

13:09

puppy columns are those less formal ones where

13:11

I'm having a good time. I'm kind of

13:13

riffing on the person them lightly ribbing them,

13:15

but at the end we come to a

13:17

place where it's like we both learned something

13:19

from each other. and yeah, I think that's

13:21

a that's really interest. And then I also

13:24

see the you know, The. Idea of

13:26

feeling like you're not alone in your

13:28

identity and that's also very much more

13:30

nimble up it to. you know that

13:32

that kid who was in Oklahoma and

13:34

felt like Op There's not other people

13:36

who are like Me that clearly that

13:38

kid who would now be reading your

13:40

column and being like oh wow services

13:42

right? There are people like me? Yeah,

13:44

and also you know we're having a

13:46

good time. With it emerged that interest.

13:48

As of saying it, I have been

13:50

reading the oh I'm Happy for several

13:52

years now and I think I'm very

13:54

much in that category. Of people you talk

13:56

your ear like lots of kind of surprising of

13:58

and like a gun. The. Straight.

14:01

White married father and I like I

14:03

Love affects all of this a great

14:05

sense. It's just interesting to hear from

14:07

people who have great voices and. Are

14:10

able to write really compellingly in part of it is

14:12

I signed really useful things that I can apply in

14:14

my own mice and then part of it as I

14:16

get to see the way that you. See.

14:19

The World. And it's just cool to see through someone

14:21

elses eyes always. So I find that I get a

14:23

ton out of it, even if it's not necessarily like.

14:26

The. Exact identity markers that

14:28

I have also identify with. I

14:30

mean I think to me the magic of

14:33

reading something is being able to put yourself

14:35

in so my shoes. So whenever I do

14:37

like author panels and most of all for

14:39

pills or the resort of. Diversity.

14:41

Focus them you there because it's like

14:44

with you know, Heritage month or it's

14:46

Pride months And the common question I

14:48

get a lick. When did you first

14:50

see yourself in a book and know

14:52

that typical answers supposed to give? There's

14:54

like oh, I first read about a

14:56

gay character when I first read a

14:58

new character when. But for me I'm

15:00

just like I don't know. I found

15:02

myself in Neil Gaiman. Coraline is who

15:04

I saw myself in The stuff I

15:06

was reading as a child that were

15:08

like women protagonists or a straight male

15:10

protagonists because. The cool thing the me

15:13

about reading is that I'm able to

15:15

put myself in the shoes as someone

15:17

who isn't technically nothing like me, but

15:19

I get to engage in their world

15:21

for a little bit and I get

15:23

to find that actually we're not so

15:25

different or we experience things in similar

15:28

ways and would cover all a puppy.

15:30

The really life affirming, human affirming thing

15:32

about it for me is that it

15:34

launched as this nice advice column on

15:36

a dating app that was predominantly geared

15:38

towards game in which is the really

15:40

specific subset. Of the world population. But seeing

15:43

it grow and seeing obese in the kid

15:45

on the curtain, seeing a pupil from all

15:47

walks of life start reading and I'm like,

15:49

no, we've all been in sort of the

15:51

same emotional rooms. Together, we've all sort of

15:53

felt what it's like to be different or

15:55

to not sit in order to feel like

15:58

there's something about myself the don't understand. They

16:00

don't have the right vocabulary to expressed as

16:02

facet of myself. As a writer, my mission

16:04

was always like I want to bring as

16:06

many people into this experience as they can

16:08

and so it's really affirming and really cool

16:10

to see just how many people are able

16:12

to access the wear them putting down. And

16:15

it's not just for people who are exactly

16:17

like me. It's been really

16:19

interesting to see. How

16:21

you are starting to share some

16:23

of the work from Samira which

16:26

is your Second Bucks I, a

16:28

semi autobiographical illustrated novel about quote

16:30

Young Love, Oklahoma in the Wind

16:32

and. The reason why what we're

16:34

talking about. Makes. Me think about

16:37

that as. To. Me: one of the.

16:39

Interesting. And powerful parts about

16:42

graphic novels is they can

16:44

often capture. Emotions.

16:46

And feelings and moments that

16:48

are almost impossible to put

16:51

into words. And that those

16:53

illustrations, the the visuals convey

16:56

something that. Wouldn't.

16:58

Be possible to put into words and and

17:00

I think what you're saying right here is

17:02

like others, this universal human experience of having

17:04

something about ourselves that we don't quite have

17:06

the vocabulary for. So it's interesting that now

17:08

you're kind of. Going. Into an

17:10

art form in a medium of writing.

17:13

That allows for that, in fact relies

17:15

on that not having the vocabulary and

17:17

instead switching to an entirely different way

17:19

of communicating. Yeah. So

17:21

I am a visual artist as well.

17:23

I do drawings and you digital paintings

17:25

and I think with though is drawn

17:28

mean to visual art is that at

17:30

and kind of obsessed with this idea

17:32

of language in Linwood. not as being

17:34

words that with the out loud and

17:36

not being things we write down but

17:38

I think that is a visual language.

17:41

There's an emotional language, there's body language

17:43

and all that stuff is. Our.

17:45

Attempt to communicate some form of interiority

17:47

and how far they can be using

17:49

a tool that as crude as language.

17:51

So whenever we're writing something down or

17:54

trying to put pen to paper tickets

17:56

on of the read it I'm always

17:58

struck by how like that. The universe

18:00

has multiple universes were that sentence I

18:02

just wrote is a better sense and it

18:04

can panic convey what I'm trying to say

18:07

even better and just knowing that I didn't

18:09

find it were that you owe me sometimes

18:11

find everyone smiles the writer and so with

18:14

his next book that have illustrated have written

18:16

I'm sort of doing. Uno Mas

18:18

to the weird kid like me back when

18:20

I was in middle school. I had a

18:22

a spiral notebook that I would draw in

18:24

all the time and I would write stuff

18:26

in it and I tried to invent my

18:28

own little alphabet and a It was really

18:30

like a Happy Fathers' Are So I was

18:32

also like trying to steal little bit from

18:34

hieroglyphics because I didn't have the greatest grasp

18:36

on what Egypt and how Ugly Six where

18:38

I thought it was of communicating with cool

18:40

little pictures so thick making my own little

18:42

analog I'm oh geez in my notebook does

18:44

being like okay this means bird and it

18:46

looks like a bird. But the

18:49

point is back then. I

18:51

think that language in my head was

18:53

this free roaming saying that sort of

18:55

went back and forth between visuals and

18:58

writing. And so with this book when

19:00

I'm really trying to communicate is how

19:02

hard it is to communicate that level

19:05

of interiority to really bring your true

19:07

self out in the form of any

19:09

kind of language and how that kind

19:11

of okay. And it's all right because

19:14

that's a really tall order as the

19:16

end of the day as I see

19:18

no touching on the Latino experience and

19:21

speaking. Spanish and English and how

19:23

we kind of find our reflections

19:25

and our own faces and whatever

19:27

we write down or whatever language

19:29

we put it out and I'm

19:31

very interested in. Digging. Into

19:34

seems about how impossible it is

19:36

to use language to tell the

19:38

truth. About. We try

19:40

our best anyway. How do you?

19:44

Go about. Expressing yourself

19:46

in the world? What are some ways

19:48

in which you can actually. Make.

19:50

Yourself be understood and known and seen in the

19:53

way you want to be. So.

19:55

For me, and I think this is sort

19:57

of what the whole point of all a

19:59

puppy? The. Is it sort of what I

20:01

was going for here? Is. Recognizing

20:03

that. We. As human

20:06

beings really rely on storytelling, rely

20:08

on narrative to understand the world

20:10

around us and ourselves, And.

20:12

So I think we often have this misconception that

20:14

were telling stories the other people, that we have

20:16

some sort of any truth in our own head,

20:19

that who we are and where we come from

20:21

and what kind of person we are being able

20:23

to recognize that those are narratives as well. So.

20:26

One of the chapters in my book called

20:28

huddled is a Rabbit. It's about

20:30

me and I'm working for Com The

20:32

Nest. At the time I have a

20:34

desk at One World Trade. Email I've

20:37

been. I seen Anna Wintour in an

20:39

elevator. I really think that I'm all

20:41

that guy. I'm running all a puppy.

20:43

the advice column. I'm getting a lotta

20:45

letters every single week and I really

20:47

think that I've made it in the

20:50

world and I go back to my

20:52

podunk little home town. and I am

20:54

driving past the Rule Middle School where

20:56

I got bullied really badly and they

20:58

have this idea in. My head okay I'm

21:00

in a park my car. I'm. Going to

21:02

walk over to the school think with summertime is no one

21:04

around. And. I'm going to declare

21:07

victory over this dumb building and the

21:09

way I'm going do that is. On.

21:11

When to walk up to the wall that I always

21:13

used to sit by when I was a loser little

21:15

kid and had no friends and I had to hide.

21:18

Behind this wall so they wouldn't be bullied. And.

21:21

While. Looking at this wall I wouldn't attain

21:24

myself by finding shapes in the pebbles because

21:26

it was on like this pebbled saying and

21:28

they're all different colors and so I would

21:30

connect dots between the different rocks fine shape

21:32

than them. And it was when she posing

21:34

for particular which was this rabbit face and

21:36

I wanted to go see the rabbit and

21:38

I want to tell the rabbit hey you

21:40

sucks you've always suck. I'm better than you

21:43

now I need you anymore. That was going

21:45

to be my way of telling the rabbit

21:47

to the big stupid face that I had

21:49

overcome everything that has building had put me

21:51

through. And. Then I go. And.

21:54

What I find is. That I

21:56

can't find the rabbit anymore. It's the same

21:58

wall. It's the same. Everything but I've change

22:01

of the person, the way I see the

22:03

world has changed and I just don't have

22:05

the same eyes or the same brain. The.

22:08

As a child, let me see this rabbit face

22:10

and I'm making new shapes and I'm seeing new

22:12

things in it. but I can't find the one

22:14

that I used to look at every single day.

22:17

And. It really made me think about how. We.

22:19

Kind of abide by these really crystallized

22:21

narratives in our heads about how things

22:23

went or what the past look like

22:25

or of the events in our lives

22:27

that made us who we are and

22:29

we kind of forget that those things

22:31

are narratives to begin with and then

22:33

we encounter something that disrupts the narrative

22:36

new information. We revisit the memory enough

22:38

times and we try to put out

22:40

there in the real world which I

22:42

tell someone about it. And. As

22:44

it's coming out of our mouths, we realize away

22:46

every time it had right about how I was

22:48

bullied and how bad it was in a We

22:50

Sylvan. Adequate. Because in my head it exists a

22:52

certain way. and no doubt the way it exists,

22:54

my head is completely different from what actually went

22:56

down. I think that. understanding.

22:59

That. Storytelling isn't just the

23:01

stories we tell other people, that the

23:03

stories we tell ourselves and soap. Recognizing

23:05

that our memories and those core things

23:08

in our brain that like okay is

23:10

the most important things have happened to

23:12

me through the time the my heart

23:14

broken. This is when I became a

23:16

better person than when I overcame adversity.

23:18

All those things are still stories and

23:21

of authors. We do have some agency

23:23

over them and so remembering. Yes, I'm

23:25

a storyteller both to myself and other

23:27

people. I think it makes it a

23:29

little bit. Easier to understand and

23:31

approach. When. It comes time to tell

23:34

your truth because knowing that I have my

23:36

truce it my interpretation of it is the

23:38

way I see it. And this

23:40

is how many communicate it. I think

23:42

it's healthier and at way then trying

23:45

to say so often be like okay

23:47

my truth is gonna be everyone's truth

23:49

and you know. I'm going to

23:51

try to force the way this person sees it because

23:54

that's how I see it. Letting. That

23:56

go in sort of being having the

23:58

humility to sort of except. Person can

24:00

interpret it a different ways and how I

24:02

interpret it because that's how stories work. I.

24:05

Think is really freeing and it

24:07

makes it easier to communicate yourself.

24:12

We've got more with John Paul and gift

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a moment. But first we're gonna tell a

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short story that is called Patasse Airtel. Shoutout!

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25:29

want to tell you about a new

25:31

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25:33

know I I'm generally not the biggest

25:35

fan of celebrity interviews shows because they

25:38

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25:40

told. The story is a bunch of

25:42

times before, but Wilders Totally different because

25:44

the conversation is decided by the celebrity

25:46

picking a random card from a deck

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and exciting and dangerous in a way

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because they're vulnerable and unpredictable, and it.

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26:01

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26:03

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26:05

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or Jenny Slate on Salad Dressing or Issa

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Wild Card comes out every Thursday from Npr.

26:17

You can listen wherever you get your podcast.

26:20

And. We are back! What?

26:23

Makes good advice. What are some the

26:25

practical pieces that makes advice be helpful

26:27

and not harmful? Because I think a

26:29

lot of people when they hear the

26:31

word advice, they think about unsolicited advice

26:34

which is like condescending or triggering are

26:36

just annoying and I don't think that

26:38

your advice ever comes into that. And

26:40

of course it's clearly solicited since they're

26:42

sending a letter and but I'm sure

26:44

you've thought about what makes good advice

26:46

on what makes that of us. oh

26:48

my god all the time. Well you

26:50

know, after I kind of broke. Into

26:53

see if I comb as a medium as

26:55

honor that I really didn't have any business

26:57

being in. I was like, okay, let me

26:59

start researching the history of the advice column

27:01

because now that I'm here, I should probably

27:03

become a student of this advice giving business

27:05

because you know I don't want to be

27:07

a fraud the whole way through being a

27:10

silly fraud at the beginning. That's fine, but

27:12

at some point if you're going to engage

27:14

in his on Raw, he should have some

27:16

respect for the genre and it's going to

27:18

break the rules. He should be aware of

27:20

the rules I read Dear Abby of course.

27:23

I read Cheryl strayed of course, but

27:25

he went is even deeper. I found

27:27

the roots of the thing and the

27:29

route. The advice column is very funny

27:31

to me, so most. Sources:

27:33

Point to. The. Athenian

27:35

society. I believe it's like

27:37

Victorian England. Where. The

27:40

people who give advice were college

27:42

educated men. And. It was use

27:44

of the prototypical google so the questions

27:46

were sort of like where does the

27:48

wind come from That was the advice people

27:50

one is in school of hard with

27:52

they oh my dear fellow here's how

27:54

the wind works. Fact: they are obviously good

27:57

advice looked like what with of would

27:59

have was fact. The correct Ah,

28:01

but. As time went

28:03

on, the advice column started dealing more with

28:05

emotions and etiquette and matters of the home.

28:08

And so the men who ran newspapers were

28:10

like will were men. We don't want to

28:12

deal with this. let's have women do it.

28:14

And so the advice column became this rare

28:17

form where women could actually make names for

28:19

themselves as writers. The Advice Com has always

28:21

been where the misfits go. It's where people

28:23

who are allowed to read about other things

28:26

go because yeah, no one trusts you to

28:28

write big breaking news stories. Know and trust

28:30

you to write like big cultural essays about.

28:32

What it all means that will trust you

28:35

enough to run and by calm. And so

28:37

it's always been voice see It's always been

28:39

this character Ford place. It's accepted people who

28:41

don't have bylines anywhere else in. So kind

28:43

of funny that I fell into it as

28:46

sick again with you know man who didn't

28:48

have connections and media and came from rule

28:50

Oklahoma And it was the please the had

28:52

opened doors for me. I just didn't know

28:54

that was why in that There was historical

28:57

precedents for it, but it quickly became the

28:59

case. That good advice looked like whatever was

29:01

the maximally appropriate thing to say. Given

29:03

the situation and so it's less about

29:05

like. Here's the advice that I think

29:08

would six you and it's almost more

29:10

about the advice columnist themselves flexing about

29:12

how culturally astute they are or how

29:14

much etiquette they know we're like. I

29:17

can read the room really well and

29:19

so, and advice columnist knows how to

29:21

use the letter that was given to

29:23

them as a prompt for discussing something

29:25

broader, something that affects almost everyone can.

29:28

Usually on whatever era of media you're

29:30

talking about, people have questions that involve.

29:32

How do a be a proper member of

29:34

society and even me who's dealing with people

29:37

at the margins of society most often? So

29:39

it's people who are like Lgbtq Are people

29:41

who feel like they don't belong, really don't

29:43

fit in. It's almost the same thing. I've

29:45

a lot of letters from people being like.

29:48

Oh. Hi, I'm like a bisexual woman. Am I

29:51

allowed to be in a gay bar? Is stuff

29:53

like that? It's still the questions like where am

29:55

I allowed to go, What am I allowed to

29:57

do? What is the culturally appropriate way for me

29:59

to. In the situation. And so the

30:01

advice com as a sort of dislike

30:04

oracle of Manners who is like, oh

30:06

my dear fellow, here's how you should

30:08

behave in that situation. but they're talking

30:10

to the person who wrote in the

30:12

letter as much as they're talking to

30:14

a broader audience because it can't be

30:16

super specific, has to be general enough

30:18

that a reader can come in and

30:20

find themselves in it. But. Also

30:22

their has be a degree of spectacle. I think

30:24

that's why you have a lot of advice com

30:26

as his whole thing of like with li cutting people

30:28

down. Are bringing people the

30:30

task. It's just like oh you fool

30:33

why would you do that and the

30:35

he sort of like dress them down

30:37

in a way and people like that

30:39

because they like this idea of someone

30:41

with authority coming in and sort of

30:43

thing like you're in the wrong So

30:45

one of my most read. Advice

30:47

columns I've written in the Sub Stack

30:49

era and the cut out all a

30:51

puppy is this guy who wrote in

30:53

and said. Hey, I'm

30:56

in this reading group and.

30:58

I. Was reading some fiction from some

31:00

of the people submitted and there was this

31:03

element in one of them about a daddy

31:05

fetish and I got so uncomfortable with that

31:07

because I thought it was predatory and wrong.

31:10

And so it touched a little bit on

31:12

the broader trend of people reacting to literature

31:14

as if the characters within the book are

31:16

real people. and so people sort of chastising

31:19

this character for doing a bad thing. and

31:21

the Rider must be a bad person because

31:23

he wrote a person doing a bad thing

31:26

but so able to turn that column in

31:28

to like. You're. All crazy your

31:30

own tantalizing yourselves. You need to get over

31:32

it. It's not real. It can't hurt you.

31:34

You're not a child. You. Need to

31:36

be able to read. Stuff. About

31:39

people doing bad things, about having mental

31:41

breakdown. So. That was like a

31:43

piece about something or specific. They got

31:45

turned into a broader cultural piece about

31:47

how we are responding to literature in

31:49

the social media era. So. I

31:51

think yeah they have good advice that you could

31:53

give to an individual that may be helps them

31:55

with their life and they situation but didn't Advice

31:58

com it's a job isn't always to give. When

32:00

the perfect advice oftentimes your job is to make

32:02

sure that. More. People can read

32:04

it in even of situation a specific.

32:07

You. Give them a little something as well

32:09

as you give them your take. You give

32:11

them your opinion on how people should be

32:13

behaving in society right now. But.

32:15

I also imagine that as of in

32:17

advice columnist sometimes your friends come to

32:19

you and say hey not for the

32:22

column. But. Just for my life

32:24

can I get some advice? The have

32:26

any thoughts about how to give advice

32:28

line to what. What?

32:31

Does it say about me that my friends the really do

32:33

that? I'll have maybe

32:35

they know you as yes it's funny I

32:37

don't have a la times where front come

32:39

to me and my okay take the all

32:41

of hobby how often he advice Right now

32:43

it's almost exclusively through all of Hobby. It's

32:45

great when I get a letter that is

32:47

like. Really? Unhinged my favorite letters

32:49

to get a member. I got one that

32:51

was like. Oh. A

32:53

puppy eyes and dating this guy for

32:56

several months and really into him. A

32:58

he's Columbia and I'm with him. It

33:00

was. well. the only issue is he

33:02

invited me home for Thanksgiving and I

33:04

met his family and they are decidedly

33:07

not Colombian. Their dissuade people from Massachusetts.

33:09

What should I do? And.

33:11

It was like man who'd been lied to

33:13

boost for several months, but being wouldn't be.

33:15

As it's. Like, littered like that

33:17

are few and far between. But they're my favorite

33:19

ones because they're not just that perennial like. Yeah

33:22

don't know talk to your partner. Although it

33:24

honestly bow I still like sounds like you

33:26

needed socks your partner that's the kids to

33:28

more when a my extreme case yes it's

33:31

not like I think about it You're right

33:33

it's the same things could you go to

33:35

for advice? With. Always my

33:37

mom all the time because she always

33:39

gives me the same advice which is

33:41

she asks me have you slept. And.

33:43

Often say no I haven't slept and

33:45

sort of tommy to sleep and it

33:48

always works. I wake up in everything's

33:50

better incredible the other young. Any time

33:52

I'm like suffering I would as calmly

33:54

mom and will give me that really

33:56

bare bones like only not taken care

33:58

of. Probably misses right? Well. I

34:00

wanted just shared to my favorite all a

34:03

puppy column. So this is from January Twenty

34:05

Twenty one. someone wrote in and they said

34:07

and Twenty seven and I just admitted that

34:09

I have a crush on a long distance

34:11

friend and they also have a crush on

34:14

me. But I'm worried because I am so

34:16

awkward of flirting and I'm worried that I'm

34:18

not going to communicate properly And how do

34:20

I tell if I'm saying something weird or

34:22

you know all of this cast asks. You.

34:25

To use said to them that languages

34:27

imperfect at it's best. They can give

34:29

form a texture to the abstract thoughts

34:31

as they surface from our duffs. It

34:33

provides a foggy window into our desires

34:35

or motives and the unknowable architecture Brussels.

34:38

When someone replies, crush me with your

34:40

thighs daddy on your Instagram friends close

34:42

post that's what's happening. the setup. But

34:44

then he has a say, you know,

34:47

You. Don't have to suddenly switch languages with

34:49

this person because it's a different type of

34:52

relationship, right? Like that's not how language works.

34:55

If. We are all just people trying

34:57

to do our best trying to communicate and

34:59

it changes and I think that's a very

35:01

good like. I've even his the hilarious joke

35:03

in their you're going somewhere where other com

35:06

this may be wouldn't go tonally live In

35:08

a much more recent column you someone wrote

35:10

in and said that they were concerned that

35:12

their friend group was to online. And.

35:14

They said in it you know we do

35:17

go outside we touch grass and injure response

35:19

he said basically if you use the phrase

35:21

touch grass you are already terminally on my

35:24

mistake it might be to hate for the

35:26

of this puts i just thought was yellow

35:28

hilarious and loved the touching grass community that

35:30

isn't the were that has and growth that

35:33

all you know that it exactly how you

35:35

buy off at so that I was a

35:37

subtle planet that the people who actually such

35:39

grass don't call it touch a grasps they're

35:42

just outside that so so so good. Okay

35:44

well. Honestly, a couple of ah.

35:47

Advice: Scenario that came up from the team

35:49

and were some a show someone who are some

35:51

the so sad. A. Lot of times the

35:53

advice I seek is more about whether I should

35:55

be asking anyone for input about personal struggle at

35:57

all. It takes a certain amount of vulnerability fast.

36:00

Or advice and in your columns your often

36:02

quite vulnerable in return. So what's your advice?

36:04

to someone who's sometimes too scared to even

36:06

pose a question or put themselves out there

36:08

to be seen? Yeah. It brings

36:10

me no pleasure to report that oftentimes the

36:12

good stuff and life is outside your comfort

36:14

zone. And. So whatever it is,

36:17

if you're slightly anxious about it, if

36:19

you're kind of afraid of it. I

36:21

think of a this all the time

36:23

in terms of plans that I've made

36:25

so I will agree to do some

36:27

sort of like after work happy hour

36:29

with some person that I've been dying

36:31

to meet for a long time. Or

36:33

maybe like some writer that I'm very

36:35

eager to talk to and as it

36:37

approaches unlike us, I just want stay

36:39

home. It's like Hannah Raining and I

36:41

want to do this any more. but

36:43

every time that I've sort of force

36:45

myself. To get up and do it

36:47

something good have come out of it

36:49

and so a it. It doesn't make

36:51

me happy to say that sometimes. The

36:54

good things in life. you have to risk

36:56

or something or you have to compromise or

36:58

you have to just suck it up and

37:00

do it. And vulnerability is one of those

37:02

things that something you practice. it's not something

37:04

that you can just like one off do

37:06

every once in awhile. I think he really

37:08

have to prove to yourself like I'm willing

37:10

to do this. I think that it can

37:12

bring me good things and then sometimes when

37:14

you get burned you have to acknowledge like

37:16

yeah, that's part of living life. We're going

37:18

to get nicked a bit, were gonna get

37:20

all banged up as we go through this,

37:22

but the important thing is that. I have

37:25

proven to myself that I am willing and

37:27

able to do that if it means getting

37:29

the reward for it later After this another

37:31

one is it a good idea to hook

37:33

up with my neighbor who lives in the

37:36

same building as me without giving too much

37:38

identifying information Way he also has a dangerous

37:40

job and possibly has enemies. Yeah,

37:43

I was like so following up until the

37:45

end when he became a mercenary. Ha, I'm

37:47

that's that's fun. I mean, I'm going to

37:49

be honest with this person. I'm not going

37:51

to pretend like I'm above the sort of

37:53

thing. Him having a dangerous job would just

37:55

get me over there faster. But

37:58

I know. So

38:01

something not so great about me

38:03

I'm that is the bonus in

38:05

my my little world. I guess

38:07

the answer this at it's absolutely

38:09

yes and you gotta get there

38:11

before ndp of bear yes Elsa

38:13

like imagine me being like oh

38:15

my god Absolutely Do it Girl

38:17

on and like months later there's

38:19

this new stories about international espionage

38:21

incident occurred. Omap, Hop implicate I

38:23

just that's about the honestly that

38:25

could only be good for the

38:27

brand. Or.

38:29

John Paul Bremmer This is then an absolute

38:31

pleasure act. I can't say how do we

38:33

doing that you've made out to be on

38:35

the showing and it's and and amazing conversation.

38:37

Thank you thank you thank you! Really appreciated.

38:43

That is it for today's episode of How

38:45

To Be A Better Human. Thank you so

38:47

much to Today's Guess John Paul Bremer, his

38:49

column in his book or both called all

38:51

Apart Me I'm your host Chris Duffy and

38:53

you can find more for me including my

38:55

weekly newsletter and other projects and Christopher Comedy

38:57

Know How to Be A Better Human is

38:59

brought to you. On that said, side by

39:01

the Carrie Bradshaw of audio Danielle a Baller

39:03

as our band Menteng Chloe show some and

39:06

just of De Bruyn. This episode was touched

39:08

by Julia Dickerson and Mckay a Cell is

39:10

who's advice is always to tell the truth

39:12

on appear at side. Are shows put together

39:14

by a team who will never revealed which

39:16

one of them asked which of those hypothetical

39:18

advice scenario that is Morgan Flannery nor Gil

39:20

Patrick, Grants and Johnson the dollars And of

39:22

course thanks to you for listening to our

39:24

show and making this all possible. If you

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are listening on Apple please leave us a

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with even more how to be a better

39:38

human Italy take care of good, good.