0:03

Learning to love ourselves and our messy

0:05

and complicated truth is hard enough.

0:08

But what happens when you have that feeling

0:10

of otherness just hanging over your head,

0:12

where you don't feel understood even within

0:14

your own tribe. How do you confidently

0:17

grow into your own skin or maybe

0:19

even grow out of it when the road to acceptance

0:22

and healing is so rough and bumpy.

0:25

Hey there it Zach, Welcome back. I'm

0:28

not sure if you've taken a listen to the last

0:30

show. If you haven't, you absolutely

0:32

should. It's a great conversation about

0:34

something I'm always talking about the magic

0:37

of trans women, and we sat down with none

0:39

other than T. S. Madison, very

0:41

magical woman. If you don't want to miss it, so

0:43

check out the episode when you have a moment today.

0:50

I want to talk about something that's weighing heavy

0:52

on many people right now, especially

0:55

given the recent acts of violence against our community.

0:58

I don't think it's a secret that gun violence is

1:00

a big problem here in the US. We get

1:02

the horrifying play by play about the

1:04

details, but it's very rare that

1:06

we hear the stories of victims, the

1:08

real people that leave us and the people

1:10

that must stay behind and make sense of it

1:12

all. In this episode, I'd love

1:15

for us to take back that power, that ability

1:17

to humanize these victims and their loved

1:19

ones. Our guest today, Vincent

1:22

Perez. He had a love that was very

1:24

rare. It's that kind of love that we only

1:26

see in movies, the passionate,

1:28

nostalgic, sweep you off your feet

1:30

sort of love. But unfortunately it

1:32

was a violent event that broke the two of them apart.

1:36

But before going into that tragic day, I

1:38

wanted to know Vincent. He grew

1:40

up on the rough side of town in southern California

1:43

with his very Latina mom. Vincent

1:45

wasn't close to his biological dad, but

1:47

how to father figure that provided him

1:49

with a loving home. But being a

1:51

young gay man came with a set of challenges,

1:54

especially because he was fighting these ideals

1:56

stemming from machismo, those unwritten

1:58

rules that teach men how to men. Luckily,

2:01

for Vincent, he found an outlet of expression

2:03

that he loved dance. I

2:07

grew up in the ghetto, and I use that in the most

2:09

loving term possible because in the bodio,

2:12

like it's a community. There are a

2:14

lot of people in this community that supports

2:16

you, and we lived right next to the tween

2:18

tracks in this bodio, and literally

2:21

my mom was just like, well, I don't want you to turn out like these

2:23

other kids, and not that it's a bad journey

2:25

for them, but it was like, I want something different

2:28

for you because my biological

2:30

father who has strange to questionable

2:32

actions in his life and kind of what he was doing,

2:35

and I was just my moms like, I don't want that for you. So I think

2:37

for her, just giving me an outlet was

2:39

very important, and I think

2:41

for me it gave me a great

2:44

way to express myself, especially in

2:46

this like very dominant, like stiff upper lip,

2:48

like you were a boy. A man does not cry.

2:50

And what's interesting is

2:53

my parents culturally

2:55

we are like that. But my parents, especially

2:57

my dad, was just like you can have emotions, like it's okay

2:59

to be x y and Z, like you can

3:01

be sad, And my mom was,

3:04

I mean, she came straight from Mexico, so I think for her

3:06

it was just like a cultural norm that boys

3:08

had to be strong. But I think

3:10

as we got older, her expectations of

3:13

how I should be changed because

3:15

I think I broke a lot of stereotypes

3:18

and these like biases she had for

3:20

queer folk in Mexico. But I

3:23

love the fact that movement gave me an opportunity

3:25

to learn who I am. Being gay

3:28

in dance, I feel like it's always an obvious

3:30

thing, but I tried so

3:32

hard for many years to like cover it up.

3:35

And it's like, oh, yeah, I do ballet, but I'm really very

3:37

masculine, And I think there was a point where

3:40

I was like, I don't need to do that. I'm gay whatever,

3:42

like whatever if I fall into like it's the stereotype.

3:45

But I just I don't know. It

3:47

was such an interesting process

3:49

for me to go through and coming into it was

3:51

such a journey that I still look back at it. I'm like,

3:54

dance maybe who I am culturally, spiritual,

3:56

emotionally, physically. From the age

3:58

of like ten maybe to like eighteen nineteen,

4:01

was never home past three o'clock, was

4:03

always dancing, from like when

4:05

I went go off to school to like ten o'clock,

4:07

would take the bus home, get home at eleven

4:09

o'clock, have dinner at eleven, start the day

4:11

again at like seven. And I

4:14

just had a very different life growing up than my

4:16

peers and my siblings, Like just

4:19

was never home, and I appreciate the fact

4:21

that my mom was trying to do that for me unintentionally,

4:24

where she just wanted me to have an outlet,

4:26

but it really gave me structure and discipline

4:28

to be independent. When did you

4:30

come out as gay? Because you

4:32

were out as an artist first and the gay came later,

4:35

which is defining a lot of stereotypes. I

4:38

came out very late in life, well, not very

4:40

late. I came out like eighteen, right, And I

4:42

think for me, I came

4:44

to the point in my life where I'm about to go to college.

4:47

I give no crap about anything that's happening

4:49

in the family. There's a lot of turbulence happening, and

4:51

I got to the point where we had this like pinnacle

4:54

of family problems, and I was just

4:56

like, you know what, guys, I don't care anymore. I'm letting

4:58

you know I'm gay, Like this is who I

5:00

am, taking me as I am. You cannot judge me

5:03

for who I am, and I won't judge

5:05

you for your actions. The message I was trying

5:07

to send my parents is I love you and conditionally, regardless

5:09

of what you guys are doing, you have to love

5:11

me or you have the opportunity to

5:14

love me because I'm accepting you for this

5:16

stuff, and me being gay or

5:18

queer does not change who I

5:20

am. It just means I'm a little

5:22

different, you know. It just means, like my

5:24

family norms and my and the things I've fall

5:26

in too will very much be different than my siblings

5:29

later in life. And that's okay. And I think

5:31

they got to the point where they're just like, Okay,

5:34

we respect you, we love you, and they're

5:36

okay with it. But I think my parents are

5:38

specifically my mom. I remember going to college

5:40

and she's like, I can deal with you being gay, but do

5:42

you have to be a dancer? Like are you gonna make any money?

5:45

And I remember telling her like she asked

5:48

me, so what's your major? Like what are you gonna graduate? And

5:50

I told her, I'm like, I'm gonna be a dancer. I'm gonna get

5:52

a dancer, grib and doing this for fifteen years.

5:54

What do you think I'm gonna do? And then

5:56

she like scolded me and she's like, you're not gonna make

5:58

any money And I said, listen, Mom

6:01

pointed finger, you don't pay for my education.

6:03

You should be proud about how I moved

6:06

through the world versus my career because you

6:08

culturally, like, there's something

6:10

weird in brown cultures, especially when you're

6:13

under represented minority or a B B I POC.

6:15

The wealth is attached to the fame

6:17

that you have in your family, like if you're

6:20

Latino, like, oh, my son's gonna be a doctor,

6:22

he's gonna be an engineer. Like it's like

6:24

this cloud building And I told my mom

6:26

what I do with my degree in my life isn't

6:29

the thing you should be praising. You should be praising who

6:31

I am as a kind human. Don't

6:33

focus on the money. The money will come. While

6:36

Vincent is exploring his own identity,

6:39

expressing himself and redefining stereotype

6:42

through dance. Growing up at the same time

6:44

with Shane Colombo, he was being

6:47

raised by a single mom in San Clemente,

6:49

a sleepy beach town just south of Los Angeles.

6:52

He certainly didn't have it easy and

6:54

went through his own set of struggles, overcoming

6:57

Hodgkins and FOMA at just fifteen, but

7:00

very much like Vincent, he didn't let the stop

7:02

him. Instead, he made it a point

7:04

to live a fulfilling life, and soon

7:06

after, through their own search of happiness

7:08

and education. The two of them meet

7:10

in the most innocent of ways a

7:12

college fraternity. I

7:16

love telling this story because it's one of my favorites.

7:18

I remember, I'm very involved,

7:20

It's cool. I was helping

7:23

out with the academic departments. I was an r

7:25

A, I was trying to work full time. I

7:27

was dancing and a dance company,

7:30

and you know, I was also running

7:32

the fraternity, which I don't think I would ever

7:34

have thought I would have done. But I saw

7:36

an opportunity to really start something and help

7:39

some young men. And granted, I'm not a parti

7:41

er, I don't drink, I don't do anything at

7:43

the time that was illegal. But

7:45

for me, I was just like, how can I really help

7:48

this community and where can I find the opportunity

7:50

for me to grow? And I was like, well, I'm great at administrative

7:52

stuff. I'm great at paperwork. And I

7:54

remember hosting an event with some

7:57

finitial new members and I remember

7:59

seeing Shane. I want you to picture

8:01

this, like think about like a house party at

8:03

someone's house in the sunset, and

8:06

I remember walking up the stairs in his home

8:08

and all I see is shame. They're making out

8:10

with someone, and I'm like you, and

8:13

then I walk away because I

8:15

am there to make sure no one's getting in trouble,

8:17

to make sure like things are okay, and then

8:19

I leave. And something

8:23

happened later on where gay

8:25

culture, right, do you see a gay guy like

8:27

you're cute, We're gonna hook up? Yes, like, let's

8:29

do it. But there was something that happened

8:31

where I when I started talking to him, I'm like, hold

8:34

up, I'm gonna step back, and I

8:36

literally said to him, I have like this long

8:38

asked message from him from when we first started talking

8:40

on Facebook messenger where it's like I

8:43

actually want to get to know you. There was just

8:45

an air about him. I'm like, yes, like

8:48

I want to like get to know you, I want to date you. And

8:51

then I have this photograph

8:53

that he took. And mind you, at the time when I had

8:55

met him, he was going back home for

8:57

his um he was in remission for five

8:59

years at cancer when he was younger, and

9:01

I remember him going home and I

9:04

remember dropping him off at like a mega bus

9:06

downtown in King Street, and

9:08

he took a photo and

9:11

I remember him giving me a

9:13

couple of years later this image of this train station,

9:15

and Key wrote, this is the day I foun

9:17

in love with you and

9:20

it was just this beautiful message

9:23

and I cherished it to this day because it just brings me back

9:25

to the silient memories of music. And I'm

9:27

like, this is a song that I'm listening to when I think about

9:29

you. And it was like James Blake. It was like retrograde

9:32

or something. Oh my god, I love the song. Yeah.

9:35

And for me, it's just like I have this strong

9:38

experience with him where I'm just like, this dude

9:40

is going back home because he's in a remission. We're

9:43

going to connect. And then fast forward

9:46

and I remember him pledging for this fraternity

9:48

and it's the cutest freaking thing. We

9:51

do something called serenading and where we serenade

9:53

sororities, and I remember him

9:55

sitting in front of this auditorium in the Science

9:57

building and I'm boarding

10:00

it and he's singing to me, and

10:02

I'm just like, this is the guy I'm gonna marry. This

10:06

is the guy I'm gonna marry. It was just the intent

10:08

and the way he stared at me and the way he like

10:10

I felt, the love I felt,

10:13

the intention. It's one of the salient memories

10:15

that I think about and I like it

10:18

breaks my heart. Yeah,

10:20

that's like such a beautiful memory because

10:22

it's not very often in young g love

10:24

that you have these really cinematic

10:27

moments of falling in love. Like what you just

10:29

described was something from a movie

10:32

where you know, the high school sweethearts

10:34

fault walk into like a dance or something someone sings,

10:36

And that's kind of you know what

10:38

we put in movies saying that this is the dream,

10:41

but rarely anyone lives it. What

10:43

was it like to have a dream come to life

10:46

back then? Did you ever expect that for yourself? I

10:48

never expected it to happen this

10:51

strongly, with this much force. I

10:54

don't know what I expected when I met him,

10:57

honestly, Like I try to move through the world

10:59

with no expectations. I'm like, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow,

11:01

But when I met him, I was just like, man.

11:03

Literally, when you talk about movies and being

11:06

the protagonist in these kind

11:08

of vignettes in your life, I'm like, wow, Like

11:10

we had a lot of those. But I

11:13

I realized at that point in my

11:15

life I am not the main

11:17

character very early on,

11:19

and that was important for me to realize

11:21

because Shane had

11:24

this fabulous story of overcoming

11:27

cancer and coming from a single parent home,

11:30

and naturally, for some reason I fell

11:32

back. I was just like, this is the man I need

11:34

to support, This is the person I want

11:36

to care for. I felt at

11:38

that point in my life where I was just like, I

11:40

have to be in your life to get you to succeed,

11:43

and our outcome will

11:45

be a life together. Soon

11:48

after they both graduated from college, Shane

11:51

gets an opportunity to attend a predoctoral

11:53

program at Columbia. A huge

11:55

opportunity, but what does that mean

11:58

for two young men that are deeply

12:00

connected and clearly in love. For

12:02

Vincent, it meant supporting Shane through an

12:04

open, long distance relationship. And

12:06

even though this might seem unconventional, this

12:09

idea that distance and other people was

12:11

a way to make their relationship work, their

12:13

connection always brought them back to each other.

12:18

Longestan is hard, even if you do open relationships,

12:20

even if you do the video chats. Because at

12:22

one point he was studying abroad in like Wales

12:25

and Swansea, and we were doing video chats

12:27

until seven am before he had to go to classes.

12:30

And then you know, like we had all

12:32

the tools to make it work. And it's

12:34

really the emotional connection to manature that their security

12:36

there that really like drove it home for

12:39

us. Yeah, and it's a lot to navigate,

12:41

you know. It's the emotional security

12:43

that you have to figure out from long distance of calling,

12:46

checking in and showing up for each other. Then there's

12:48

also like the health security of being like we're now an open

12:50

relationship and you may be sleeping with other people,

12:52

and how to we navigate this going where

12:55

those conversations tough, navigating all

12:57

of those things, the health, the emotional, the physical,

12:59

every No. I think at

13:01

first it was because I am I am

13:04

a Latino man. I am

13:06

very forceful with the way I talk. I say what's

13:08

on my mind, and he is

13:10

very calm and not reserved,

13:13

but very um second guessing.

13:15

And I think we had times of conflict

13:17

where I was just like, what's the problem

13:19

and He's just like, well, I want to talk about this,

13:21

and I'm like, dude, just say it, like you're my partner, I

13:23

love you. And I think we

13:26

found a rhythm of communication that really did

13:28

work for us. And at the end

13:30

of the day, like the goal was not

13:32

I think for us to find solutions. It was just

13:34

to make sure that I felt like he felt supported and that I felt

13:36

supported and that I was taking care of

13:38

his needs and vice versa. But yeah,

13:41

it was. It was an interesting moment

13:43

in life. I'm not gonna lie, some very beautiful

13:45

moments. And

13:48

it was the series of beautiful moments,

13:50

one after the next over the next seven

13:53

years that brought the two closer together.

13:55

They were so in love, so in sync that

13:57

finally, on Christmas Eve one year been

14:00

it decides to pop the question. And

14:02

like most big nerve racking things, the

14:04

lead up to the proposal was like something you'd

14:06

read in a comedy, the hot chocolate

14:09

they buy before ice skating, just ending up

14:11

on their lap, that picture perfect ice

14:13

skating moment ending up being a long

14:15

line that isn't worth the weight. It's still

14:17

like the relationship, the to make it work,

14:20

and so running out of ideas, they agreed

14:22

to see a movie, and

14:26

I remember him also before

14:28

that wanting to show me this art installation that was

14:30

like just all these lights and

14:34

it was off because it was like too

14:36

early and there was nothing on, and he's like, well, I guess

14:39

this is the end of the light show. Like I think it

14:41

was the end of the season for it. And we come

14:43

out of this movie theater and they're

14:45

on, and it was this beautiful

14:47

music and I love experimental are performance

14:50

are? I love lights? And this thing is

14:52

on and I remember, like, this is the moment I'm going

14:54

to propose to him. And I pulled

14:56

out this ring that I bought earlier

14:58

on and I

15:01

tell him I got this for you.

15:04

And I didn't want to get one knee because

15:06

I'm like, look, you and I are equal partners. I

15:08

want you to know like I'm in it with you. And I

15:10

told them, no matter what happens, no matter what

15:12

happens in the day in our lives, you

15:14

know, I'm always gonna love you. And

15:17

next thing, you know, like we're just jumping for joy

15:20

and we're just enjoying each

15:22

other's spirit. I just remembered so vividly

15:24

of these lights just turning on and

15:27

him laughing and smiling, and him calling

15:29

his mom and his family and

15:31

and I'm just like, this is the perfect day, regardless

15:34

of what happened, regardless of the chocolate milk, regardless

15:37

of the three hour await for ice skating,

15:39

regardless of you know, it being too cold,

15:41

or being able to do anything. It was

15:43

the perfect day. It was the most

15:46

pristine example of my relationship

15:48

with him, where things can go wrong,

15:50

but that's okay because at the end of the day,

15:53

I have the love of my life with

15:55

me. Let's

15:58

sit with this for a second, because year

16:00

we have Vincent who has literally waited

16:02

so long to have this moment, to

16:04

be in the same city as the man he loves, his

16:07

future husband, only to be ripped away

16:09

from him in such a horrific way.

16:11

As gay men, and especially men of color,

16:14

there's always that thought of danger, the

16:16

danger of being discriminated against or

16:18

homophobic violence, and for Vincent,

16:21

the danger that came with being a gay dancer

16:23

from the ghetto, dodging sexual health concerns

16:25

that come with being in an open relationship.

16:28

But this part of his story is so sudden,

16:30

so unexpected, and just so tragic

16:33

that it's difficult to imagine how he

16:35

was able to pick himself up after experiencing

16:38

such grief. We

16:41

were long distance for a while, and

16:43

even then we were missing each other by planes. Like

16:46

We went to Chicago once and we saw some

16:48

places, and the goal

16:51

was to see where we wanted to live and

16:53

next thing, you know, like he flew out there for I

16:56

think something with his lab. He was supposed to work with the

16:58

adapt lab over Northwestern, and

17:01

I remember sending him some some places

17:03

to go see with a real estate agent, and

17:07

you know, he saw the place once by himself and

17:09

I'm like, is this the one. He's like, yeah, okay, let's do it. So

17:11

sign all the paperwork went through it, and then I

17:13

went there to kind of do all the administrative

17:16

stuff. So I signed the paperwork and

17:18

I made sure we had a mattress in a bed and dishpots

17:20

and stuff so that you can eat. And then I would

17:22

be moving several months later, so

17:25

we literally missed each other every step of the

17:27

way. It was hard because

17:29

the last time I really saw him before

17:32

the incident, I remember saying

17:34

goodbye to him. We were seeing

17:37

family in Orange County

17:39

and I remember he's wearing this stupid

17:41

cat pushing shirt that it's

17:44

a little knee j and

17:47

I remember seeing him and taking a photo of him and I

17:49

was like, I love you, I'm gonna see you very

17:51

soon. And I didn't

17:53

think that that would be the last time I've seen a person.

17:56

And a few days later actually

17:59

like maybe a weekly or he was

18:01

flying to Chicago, and I remember getting

18:03

a call from him and like, it's beautiful here, Like it's

18:06

still picturesque. Could got off the plane. Everything's

18:08

going perfect, and he's driving down Lake Shore

18:10

Boulevard in Chicago and

18:12

he's just like, it's so pretty here, You're gonna love

18:14

it. And then I remember him

18:17

getting home. He's calling me. He's like

18:19

I can't get in, and I'm like, what

18:21

do you mean. He's like the keys aren't working, and I remember trying

18:23

to trouble suit with him and someone finally let him in,

18:26

and I remember him finally getting

18:28

into the front door and he calls me, and

18:33

it's just so crazy because I remember telling him

18:36

because he had he just got in and he's

18:38

like, I need to go buy hangers. I want to make sure like things are

18:40

hung up. Might just stay home, just relax, go get

18:43

some food, order some take out, just try to do nothing.

18:45

You've been doing a lot. And

18:47

he's like, okay, yeah, but I really want to get hangers

18:49

and okay, And I remember, you know how

18:52

iPhones you can take photos during uh,

18:54

during a FaceTime. I unintentionally

18:56

did it a few times, and I remember taking

18:58

this photo of him laughing, and

19:00

even when I play it now, I'm just like, it

19:03

makes me very sad because that

19:05

was one of the last

19:08

moments I had because literally fifteen minutes later

19:10

he died. And I remember checking his location

19:13

because you know, like I said before, the tools

19:15

that we had were where are you right now?

19:17

Like are you at home? Cool? I can call you, like I don't

19:19

want to serve if you're out with friends, And so I remember

19:21

looking at his location and I

19:23

remember seeing him at the hospital. I'm

19:25

like, oh, what happened, Like did he cut his hand? Like

19:28

what's going on? And I thought like it was something dumb,

19:31

and then I remember calling the hospital. I'm like, hey, like,

19:33

I'm looking for a patient. His name Shank Columbo. Can

19:35

you help me find them? They're like, oh, one second, and

19:37

then I get transferred to doctor and she's like, I'm so sorry

19:39

he just passed away. And I

19:41

was like, I don't understand.

19:44

I still I still don't understand, like I

19:46

have a a PTSD processing

19:48

issue where it's like the object

19:51

permanence, like I just I didn't see him

19:53

say goodbye, Like it doesn't make sense to me.

19:56

And it was the most horrifying

19:58

thing, because I remember so many

20:00

awful memories after that. I

20:03

remember punching a wall in

20:05

the garage. I remember like

20:07

seeing all my friends crying. I remember beyond the floor.

20:10

I remember calling his um, his manager

20:12

at his lab, and I had found his number on the Northwestern

20:15

website and it's like eleven

20:17

o'clock or something his time, and

20:21

I was just like, Shane died, like I don't know what to do. And

20:24

I remember just calling so many people, and

20:28

it's crazy because I'm the fixer. I

20:30

like to solve problems, and I

20:34

always had an answer. I always

20:36

had like some sort of solution. And

20:39

I remember calling my sister and

20:43

begging her to tell me what to do

20:45

because I didn't know how to move. I didn't

20:47

know how to go from one

20:49

step to the next, and

20:51

I just it just plays back in my head and

20:53

it's like the the worst part of

20:56

the movie that I didn't

20:58

think I had to experience, so it

21:00

was. It was intense.

21:02

It's still very intense. It's the memories

21:05

that I have, such beautiful memories

21:08

of my relationship and my life, and

21:11

those are the most horrific that I've

21:13

experienced. I

21:16

love how Vincent keeps Shane's memory

21:19

alive in such an admirable way, because

21:21

it would be easy to be angry and

21:23

stay in that place of hurt, of sadness,

21:26

of hopelessness, but what he has done

21:28

is completely the opposite. He's been

21:30

able to not just advocate alongside

21:32

other survivors, but he's also used

21:35

Shane's love as a catalyst to create space

21:37

for more. At

21:41

that point, I was losing weight, I was not eating.

21:44

I was by myself in Chicago because

21:47

I had this like mindset that I have

21:49

to go, like I have to move. And

21:51

so I remember going and being depressed

21:54

and on the couch in this home

21:57

that was empty because all we had at that

21:59

point was a couch that we had chose, like a few weeks

22:01

before. And I

22:03

remember this friend calling me and saying, hey, like,

22:05

have you heard of every town? Like do you want to tell your story?

22:07

I'm like, I was so mad. I

22:09

was like, no, absolutely not, Like

22:11

this is very personal. It's still a very

22:14

personal experience, and I have reservations at times,

22:16

but for me, I realized the

22:19

story is what matters. Like me telling

22:21

his name over and over again is

22:24

a way for me to solidify his

22:27

potential in life. And what was taken from him.

22:30

And when I found out out every town,

22:32

it was so hard because I'm like, no one's gonna understand,

22:35

no one's going to really understand what I'm going through.

22:37

And then loan behold, I come into

22:39

this conference with all these Mom's

22:41

Demand in every town volunteers

22:44

and activists, and literally

22:46

we're all crying. We're all talking about the

22:48

loved ones we lost and the manner

22:51

it happened, and it was just like to

22:53

have that community, to have people there

22:55

with you to talk about what had happened.

22:58

It changes the way you think about your relationhip

23:00

to others and the way you moved through the world. Because

23:03

at the end of the day, like I wanted community, I want

23:05

someone to understand. And then that

23:07

happens to me when I talked to a Mom's Man Action

23:10

volunteer or colleague and

23:12

they're like, I get it, And I know they

23:14

get it because they've experienced it, like either they've been a victim

23:17

of gun violence directly affected or they're

23:19

just an advocate. And it's like it

23:21

was so important to me at the time and it still is to

23:23

be part of the community because again,

23:26

telling the story is the way I'm keeping

23:28

his memory alive, but then also

23:30

doing my part in this entire political

23:32

schema to ensure that people who aren't supposed

23:35

to have guns don't have them. Because

23:38

again, let me boost up shame for a second cancer

23:41

survivor, putting himself through college,

23:43

single family home, was

23:45

volunteering at a hospital, was doing v a

23:47

research, like literally everything you can

23:49

think of for this person, and

23:52

that was taken away by some stupidity

23:55

and something that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

23:57

It's amazing that that still happens

23:59

in country even to this day. Like the statistic

24:02

is every day a honey people died from good violence,

24:05

which is nuts. And Shane

24:07

was one of those on that day. And I

24:09

think what the work with every Town has really brought

24:11

to me is telling the story and

24:14

being advocate is the best way to put

24:16

your energy because it changes you

24:18

from being not

24:20

necessarily sad. It's okay to be sad, but it

24:23

channels that into a different way to

24:25

ensure like you are being an advocate for

24:28

for things that are important to you. Rebuilding

24:32

a life, or even thinking about loving another

24:34

person might feel like it's impossible

24:37

with a love like Vincent and chains. It's easy

24:39

to see how Vincent was able to rebuild

24:41

a life and even find a new love despite

24:44

feeling so much pain because this deep

24:46

admiration, this deep respect, acts

24:48

as a sort of guide, a pattern of sorts

24:50

that he uses to keep loving himself

24:53

and in turn keep their love alive forever.

25:00

The love that I had for Shane is not

25:03

finite. It exists in the ether

25:05

and it's always there. And I

25:07

think what brought me a lot of hope is the fact

25:09

that love is existent, it is still

25:11

there. I still feel it. I see it in the memories

25:14

that play in my head, and the

25:16

fact that I can find love

25:18

after loss and set

25:21

myself up for this experience

25:24

just it's it's incredible to me. I think just

25:27

knowing that it's there is always

25:29

going to be a way to get through hope and to

25:32

find purpose. But at

25:34

the end of the day, it's like setting that goal, like

25:36

I talked about earlier, setting that milestone, Like what does

25:38

that? What does that really mean for me? Like what do

25:40

I want to be? And it's like, well, I want to be happy, I want to

25:42

be in love, I want to have the things that Shane

25:44

and I were meant to have, but I also

25:46

want to be the protagonist of my story.

25:48

Now. I have a beautiful

25:50

partner who I love two pieces.

25:54

His name is James, and

25:56

the fact that I sit in the middle of

26:00

James and Shane means

26:02

the world to me because I

26:05

know that James cares

26:08

and loves for me and loves Shane,

26:11

and I know Shane would love him to pieces.

26:13

It just makes you so much sure that you

26:15

just have to navigate all that stuff to find

26:18

purpose and to find love. And it's work. I'm

26:20

not saying it's not work. I'm not saying that it's never

26:22

going to be easy. But you have to

26:24

find the purpose and you have to find the end goal because

26:26

if you don't, then it's going to seem like Milutia and you're

26:28

not going to know where to go. And I think Shane

26:31

for all of that. I

26:35

don't know about you, but after this conversation,

26:38

the first thing I'm going to do tonight is give my

26:40

partner the biggest hug. And it's

26:42

not just because of the sad parts of the story.

26:45

It's because of how much hope Vincent brings

26:47

to the table, the way that he's been

26:49

able to cope with his own grief is admirable

26:51

in itself, but it's also the

26:53

way he's able to lean into that pain, dig

26:56

deep, and help others stand up for safer

26:58

neighborhoods, stricter laws. Is

27:00

nothing short of amazing. Vincent

27:03

has found a way to survive through his authenticity

27:05

by literally and simply feeling,

27:08

because he shows us that even when times are desolate,

27:11

those days when life just gets heavy, or

27:13

when the unexpected happens, there's

27:15

always love inside of us that's worth living

27:17

for. We

27:21

are so excited for you to be here for season

27:23

two of In the Deep Stories That Shape Us.

27:25

Keep coming back every other week and taking

27:27

these powerful stories of Black and Latino

27:30

people as they take us on their own healing

27:32

journeys. In the Deep Stories

27:34

That Shape Us is executive produced

27:36

by myself, Zack Stafford, and Ivan

27:39

Chian and mastered by James Foster

27:41

and our writer is Yvette Lopez. A shout

27:43

out to our guest, Vincent Peress