0:00

What do you are about to here is going

0:02

to take a while to scrub off in the

0:04

shower. Hello

0:07

everyone and welcome to yet another

0:09

Caicos Industries Shareholder Orientation held right here

0:11

at Evil Com Evil Con if

0:13

you're not aware, is a convention created

0:16

to celebrate all things evil. or

0:18

at least most things evil. The things

0:20

we consider evil maybe not the

0:22

things that everyone considered evil. Evil is

0:24

a nuanced thing as you know,

0:26

and if you didn't know that than

0:29

than you do now. My.

0:32

Name is currently third and I'm the

0:34

Ceo of Caicos industry. so does my

0:36

special honor and obligation to welcome all

0:38

of you new and old shareholders into

0:40

the fold. If you weren't aware, You.

0:44

Are Evil. I'm sorry

0:46

if this is how you found out, you

0:48

may have some questions about what that means

0:50

and as much as I would like to

0:52

keep you in that place of anxiety and

0:54

confusion, as much as I would like to

0:56

let you keep a bargaining with the voices

0:58

in your head about what specifically that evil

1:00

means for you, I will attempt to answer

1:02

some of those questions right now so we

1:04

can move on. Question number one: What is

1:06

evil? This question is most easily answered with

1:08

a bit of a thought experiment. I want

1:10

you to close your eyes for a moment,

1:12

so won't you take. A few deep

1:14

breaths. I want you to listen

1:16

to the feelings inside of you.

1:19

Listen. Closely try to put all of

1:21

the other thoughts aside and just focus

1:23

on those thoughts deep within you. Do

1:26

you hear that soft wine in the

1:28

background? that little nagging voice that won't

1:30

seem to go away. It's. It's.

1:32

Like it's like a whistle. just that the edge

1:34

of hearing. That's.

1:37

Evil. You found it. Also,

1:40

if you felt anything sensuous in their

1:42

quiet moment, that's evil. Also, Sexuality

1:45

is evil. do? You might object to

1:47

that characterization, but I have to remind

1:50

you that the good didn't want sexuality.

1:52

They. Fought it for millennia. They gave it

1:54

up fair and square. It's ours now. They

1:56

can't have it back now just because they

1:58

change their minds. Okay, Question.

2:01

Number Two: What does it mean that I'm

2:03

evil? Honestly, probably not a

2:05

lot. You are evil. Before you entered

2:08

this room, tonight, you were already doing

2:10

evil and your own way. It's the

2:12

knowledge that you're evil doesn't have to

2:14

change much. It

2:16

will, but it doesn't have to. You can

2:18

keep living like you were Before you could

2:20

put it out of your mind, you could

2:23

set aside, forget about it. you'll still be

2:25

evil. And you'll still be doing evil whether

2:27

you are conscious of the facts or not.

2:29

But for many of you, the knowledge will

2:31

change things. if even if only bi re

2:34

contextualize England in. I wonder why I feel

2:36

so nice to hate on things. As

2:39

the evil. You

2:41

might wonder why, And your moments of

2:43

passion with someone you deeply care about?

2:45

It feels like you're evening the score

2:47

with something intangible. The

2:49

Evil. You might wonder why

2:51

it's so fun to walk around all day staring

2:53

of celebrities like there. and some kind of autograph.

2:55

the zoo. It's the

2:57

evil. He might wonder why you

3:00

like the flavor of a chance of doughnuts so

3:02

much. We

3:04

actually didn't have anything to do with that. It's it's

3:06

not evil as far as we've been able to discover

3:09

so far. but please rest assured that we are working

3:11

on it. Question.

3:13

Number Three: Alright, if I'm evil, than

3:15

how can I be really great at

3:18

doing evil? Excellent question. We love

3:20

it. When people aspire for greatness and

3:22

all that they do and we have

3:24

Tacos Industries will be happy to help

3:26

you to do evil better is our

3:28

slogan. After all these continue to listen

3:30

and pay attention. You learn what you

3:32

need to know about doing evil better.

3:36

Before we move on, the we do

3:38

have one little awkward matter of procedure

3:40

which is that I need all of

3:42

you to recite the Caucus Industries pledges.

3:45

It's very simple, should be a painless,

3:47

just just repeat after me, I pledged

3:49

to do evil. Evil.

3:52

I pledged to love evil as

3:54

implants allows small, I pledged to

3:56

love evil for the rest of

3:58

my days. So loud.

4:01

Evil! For the rest of my this,

4:03

I pledge to love evil thoroughly. As

4:06

far as well below thoroughly I

4:08

pledged to be the best lover

4:10

evil has ever had. His

4:13

best law school has ever had.

4:15

I would do anything for evil.

4:21

I would just the concept of evil

4:23

on the bus aka ah skill him

4:25

and farmer. Of

4:30

I've. Known.

4:38

Several parter one I

4:40

would spread those sweet

4:42

delicious from sensuous evil

4:44

cheeks I went for

4:46

as a similar. And

4:51

give the concept of evil a kiss right

4:53

in the middle. Man

4:59

on, I like evil a lot.

5:01

I am. I hope so. Yeah,

5:04

brothers. Okay,

5:08

you have to repeat anything else as I said no.

5:12

Were excellent. I'm glad we have that little

5:14

bit of procedural housekeeping out of the way

5:16

and or we can move on to more

5:18

important matters. This Us really sets the chauffeur.

5:20

her sets the tone for how to note

5:22

is going to go. Their.

5:24

Shareholders. And

5:26

I think all of you that in

5:29

this room that you must know that

5:31

I'm a busy man and there are

5:33

many requirements on my time as many

5:35

of them a simultaneous and many of

5:37

those are search contractual obligations and know

5:39

none of that was innuendo. This means

5:41

that this Shareholder orientations double books with

5:43

the Caucus Industries Shareholder announcements Yes, alongside

5:45

old You in the room Right now

5:48

there are many at home for in

5:50

a car or on public transit who

5:52

are listening to me. Right now. these

5:54

are their monthly shareholder announcements to tell.

5:56

Them about all the vital updates on the

5:58

world of evil. This is agree

6:00

here Caicos Industries why we have to

6:02

cram both of these things into a

6:05

single time slot is beyond me. but

6:07

I have learned not to question because

6:09

asking questions will only make me more

6:11

tired. Instead. We'll

6:13

just get on with the work. Today's

6:15

broadcast if you're hearing it as a

6:18

broadcast is coming to from what I'm

6:20

told is a fun helmets are Jessica

6:22

how many put on your head. I

6:25

guess other speakers inside that are carrying

6:27

these words to you shareholders this home.

6:29

I don't know what makes a helmet

6:31

fun, but who am I to argue

6:33

with the marketing copy. Those. Of

6:35

you listening to me in person right now. Feel

6:37

lucky that you don't have to wear a health

6:39

aware of fun Helmand for the duration of his

6:42

broadcasts. I guess unless as far as your costume.

6:45

I'm so that his helmet comes to

6:47

us from a collaboration between our division

6:49

of school enhancements. And

6:51

our partner to find their brain

6:53

prophylactics. They. Protect your brain.

6:56

Until the these helmets, in addition to

6:58

having possible audio quality, are also capable

7:01

of keeping your concerning sauce at for

7:03

at least the duration of these announcements.

7:06

Though it is actually does explain why it's

7:08

a cool helmet. Here on the spec sheet

7:10

I got ahead of myself, it says that

7:12

the helmet has a racing stripes. That's

7:16

pretty neat to have to agree now.

7:18

And you did do need to emphasize

7:20

for those of us sitting at home

7:23

at this helmet. And these announcements are

7:25

only for caucus industry shareholders. If you

7:27

aren't a shareholder, you need to stop

7:29

listening. Now I better not see anyone

7:31

in the room good of you're already

7:33

evil. I told you You can't leave

7:35

the scene of Pearson. Thing, but you better

7:37

combat. Your to

7:39

Caucasus we share a shareholder and you're

7:41

hearing is a myth. Messages again. Not.

7:44

You hear in person. Than.

7:48

The helmets has a pretty strong sense

7:50

of exploding. You have no idea how

7:53

hard it was to convince finally brain

7:55

prophylactics to install bombs in their helmets.

7:57

They claim that it was against today.

8:00

These are They said that they would

8:02

install bombs in some of the helmets

8:04

so there is a chance to your

8:06

helmet won't explode under any circumstances but

8:08

I wouldn't risk it. Ticket. Helmet

8:10

off sooner shareholder. If

8:13

you are a shareholder then he's probably

8:15

blown up before. It's not the worse

8:17

than. If

8:20

you've never heard of Caucus Industries before than one

8:22

thing you should know about us is that we

8:24

help you do evil better. If you're going to

8:26

only know two things about us, then you should

8:29

know that we also like to party. We

8:32

have a large celebrations all of the

8:34

time. Just recently we had the festival

8:36

of mud, which is what happens when

8:38

we combined our water and earth festivals.

8:41

We. Got mud? Usually

8:43

we celebrate this by making various consistency

8:45

of mud and then rolling are naked

8:47

bodies in them to see which ones

8:49

make us feel the most evil force

8:51

feeling that. The. Dirtiest. This

8:55

year we had a variety of mugs,

8:57

including a variety of viscosity, ease, and

8:59

chunking as factors. But

9:01

the favorite mud of most attendees had to

9:03

be the nacho cheese. I

9:07

am so the mattered. She's technically counts as

9:09

med for some reason. They

9:12

told me. The reason. I forgot.

9:16

Coming up we have the Festival of

9:18

Innovation which is a festival where we

9:20

celebrate what's new in technology. I'm

9:22

just kidding. that's what the festival should be.

9:25

Instead, it's usually a big robot from it.

9:28

I'm just kidding. Again, the robots are

9:30

fucking every year. We don't know why

9:32

the scientists seem to have something to

9:34

work out I guess and the only

9:37

solution is dry robots doing it. We

9:39

are looking forward to the submissions from

9:41

China Robots to kick in your face

9:43

a favor partner of ours because they

9:45

told us they made a robot. With.

9:48

Six asses. As

9:51

a lot of ass I think we can all agree. Now.

9:56

when i mentioned earlier that i was double books

9:58

during this time slot i wasn't telling you whole

10:00

story. That's because I'm actually triple

10:02

booked. You see, for whatever

10:04

reason, the powers that be have decided that it

10:06

would help the optics for Kakos Industries if I

10:08

would allow myself to be interviewed by some groups

10:11

here at the convention. That

10:13

is to say they want me to appear on

10:16

some podcasts. If

10:18

it's alright with you shareholders, we'll get started with

10:20

that right now. Hopefully I can just get

10:23

these out of the way. It says here

10:25

we're talking to Kelly Denison. Thank you for

10:28

joining us, Corin. Are we starting

10:30

already? Welcome back. Listeners

10:32

of Murder She Like, the

10:35

only true crime podcast where

10:37

we just love murder. The

10:40

only ones? Today

10:42

we have the opportunity to talk to

10:44

the man, the myth, the legend, Corin

10:46

Deese III, CEO

10:49

of Kakos Industries. Hi.

10:53

Now Corin, I know that you do

10:55

evil every day, but I'm excited to

10:57

tell you about something that you don't

10:59

know. Unfortunately I

11:02

know a lot about murder. Don't sound

11:04

so sad. Corin, murder is

11:06

the best. I've saved up

11:09

some scary, horrifying murders just for this occasion

11:11

because I want to get a rise out

11:13

of you Corin Deese III. If

11:16

it's nasty enough to get a

11:18

rise out of you, then it

11:20

must be premium murder. Okay

11:24

I guess. Let's start with

11:26

the deliciously gruesome murder of Wendy

11:28

Johnson. The

11:30

Wendy Johnson who was eaten by the division

11:33

of cannibalism or the Wendy Johnson who was

11:35

killed by the division of robots nanny bot

11:37

that for some reason they put a kill

11:39

function into. Mmm okay,

11:41

so you've heard about that one. That's

11:44

less fun. The next

11:46

one is going to knock your socks off though.

11:50

Felicia Parker. I

11:53

don't know if you can call being squished

11:55

by a sentient room murder.

11:58

The room didn't know what it was doing. doing. I did

12:02

so much research on that one.

12:04

So did we. It's called a

12:07

post-mortem. Don't start telling jokes on

12:10

my show. Alright

12:12

Mr. Smug, the next one will

12:15

definitely get you spooked. Virginia

12:17

Wells. Not

12:20

a murder? Oh yes it was. She

12:23

fell into the shredder in the division of

12:25

evisceration. That's just what they want you to

12:27

think. There's security footage. I'm actually

12:29

a little concerned that you thought I would know

12:32

so little about the people who died at my

12:34

company. She was pushed.

12:38

How? The division

12:41

of pressures. New remote pusher.

12:45

Wait. Now hold on. That

12:49

could work. The investigators missed

12:51

it. That is unsettling. Did

12:53

I spook you Corin? Maybe

12:57

they wanted to miss it. Could they

12:59

be in on it? Ooh,

13:01

murder she

13:03

like. We'll look into it.

13:05

Corin beat the third everybody.

13:11

Okay shareholders, that was a bit strange. Usually

13:14

our investigators are exceptionally thorough. I get reports

13:16

all the time giving me more details than

13:18

I would ever want to know about such

13:20

things. The murders tend

13:22

to be particularly memorable.

13:25

Okay it looks like

13:27

we have another podcast interview ready to go. Hey

13:29

there listeners, we're back with problematic

13:32

opinions. I'm your host Dan

13:34

Opinions. We're here with Corin

13:37

Deeth the third. Okay

13:39

here we are. So Corin

13:41

what's your most problematic opinion?

13:45

Why? You know, you

13:49

know, no one's

13:51

ever asked me that before. Why?

13:55

What? Also a great

13:59

question. Great question. You

14:01

know, Corn, I'm not sure

14:03

I even know the answer myself. I'm

14:06

not sure I know what or why. I'm

14:09

just here, you know? I'm doing what

14:11

I can. I'm out

14:13

here talking to bros, dudes, and guys.

14:17

Talk about all kinds of opinions

14:19

we have. You know, we have

14:21

a lot of strong opinions about

14:23

people, about politics, about chicks. What

14:25

is happening? I

14:28

really wish I knew, Corn. I

14:30

really wish I knew why any of this

14:32

was the way it is. I

14:35

wish I knew what made me this way. What made

14:37

any of us this way? What

14:41

are you talking about? I

14:43

think it probably goes back to my dad, Corn. You

14:47

know, it was withheld of love, you know? It

14:49

would make me too soft. I

14:51

hated that, the idea of being too

14:53

soft, you know? Like

14:55

I really just wanted to be this

14:57

manly, manly man. Like

14:59

I learned to fight. Did

15:02

I want to fight? No one asked

15:04

me why or what. But

15:06

what's happening back then? They

15:09

used to let me do it, Corn. They

15:11

used to let me go down this path of

15:13

terrible darkness. Just all

15:15

this pain. But I

15:17

just buried it down. Let

15:20

it out on people I think are weak, Corn.

15:23

It's the only way, the

15:26

only safe way for me to ever

15:28

let it out. You

15:31

know, I guess I thought that maybe, just

15:33

maybe if I could dominate the

15:35

whole damn world, then maybe I'd

15:37

be safe in here.

15:43

Listeners, I'm pointing to my heart. That's

15:47

where I want to feel safe, you know? Don't

15:53

speak. We don't

15:55

need words. Just need

15:57

you to hold me, Corn. No.

16:00

Oh, why

16:02

is that? Corin,

16:04

are you afraid to show affection? Are

16:07

you locked inside yourself too? Maybe

16:09

we could bro out about it. I

16:12

don't want to do that. Fine, fine.

16:16

Stay in your shell, Corin. I've

16:18

learned a lot today. I

16:21

think you should have too. Maybe

16:27

you weren't listening. Maybe

16:30

you weren't paying attention. The

16:32

bus to Enlightenment just closed its doors.

16:35

On to the next stop. Goodbye,

16:38

Corin. I'll be here

16:40

when you're ready to admit you feel

16:42

something. Okay,

16:49

how do they always find me?

16:52

They always find me. Okay, collect

16:54

myself. Here's

16:57

another podcast interview. Hello

16:59

adventurers, and welcome once again

17:02

to Party in the Back,

17:04

an actual play podcast.

17:07

I'm your host and game

17:09

master Patti DePlay. I'm

17:12

joined today by Corin Deese

17:14

III, CEO of Kakos Industries.

17:17

Corin, today I have prepared

17:20

a special one shot adventure

17:22

for us to play. Are

17:24

you ready? The faster we get this over

17:26

with, the better. That's the attitude.

17:30

Okay, Corin, you will

17:32

be playing the part

17:34

of Corinneus, the beautiful

17:36

unicorn centaur. Is

17:39

that a playable race? It's a homebrew. I'll

17:41

be playing the role of

17:44

Memria, the precocious halfling. Okay,

17:47

what are we doing? Are we

17:49

starting in a tavern? I roll

17:51

to seduce. Oh,

17:54

why? Can't we just play the game? It's

17:57

a natural 20-corin. A

18:00

natural 20 always succeeds. I don't

18:03

want to play anymore. Corin, you

18:05

have to get into the role,

18:07

okay? I've rolled to seduce. You

18:09

need to roleplay. I'm

18:12

a little concerned about the mechanics here. Get

18:15

your mind out of the gutter,

18:17

Corin. We're talking about romance here.

18:19

We can take it slow. Why

18:22

can't we just slay an ogre or something? It might be

18:24

fun to go on a quest. Shh.

18:27

You are far too seduced for

18:29

that right now. The dice don't

18:31

lie. Okay,

18:34

what am I doing, Patty? I'm victorious!

18:37

Do you want to seduce

18:39

me back? If

18:41

it will end this, okay. That

18:49

is a natural 20 again. I

18:52

am thoroughly seduced. We

18:55

are in it now. We

18:57

both run off to a clearing where we can

18:59

be alone together. What are we

19:01

going to do there? You said this is going

19:03

to be romantic. We're going to take it slow.

19:05

Roll for insertion. Oh no. You

19:09

have to roll for insertion. Oh

19:12

no. Roll! It's

19:14

in the hands of fate now. It's

19:21

a natural 20. You

19:24

fucking killed me. What?

19:27

With your unicorn business, you

19:29

tore this poor athlete right

19:31

in half. You fucking killed me.

19:35

I didn't know that could happen. All I did was roll a die.

19:38

For Rineus, the centaur will

19:40

be forever traumatized by this

19:42

moment where passion turned so

19:45

dark, he killed his

19:47

lover with his

19:50

business. Are we done? I

19:53

can't believe he would kill me like that. A curse

19:55

on you and your entire family. Goodbye.

20:01

So, I just noticed this die only

20:03

has 20s on it. Okay,

20:08

I'd like to wipe that from my memory as

20:10

soon as possible. Looks like we, uh, okay, we have

20:12

just one more interview here. Hello,

20:14

Corin. My name is Devo.

20:17

Devo Terror. Hi,

20:20

I understand this is supposed to

20:22

be some kind of audio drama

20:24

podcast. Well, the podcast hasn't started

20:26

just yet, but I'd like to

20:28

have you read a script. I've

20:30

been working on. It would really

20:32

be just a guest role. Okay,

20:35

let's see what it says here. Hello,

20:38

Spookytown residents. I am your

20:41

humble radio station host. Residents,

20:43

there is something both terrifying

20:45

and not terrifying happening. Something

20:48

that is both uncomfortable and

20:50

cozy. You

20:52

know, Devo, I think this one's been done before. Well, okay,

20:54

don't worry. I have another script right here. Space.

20:58

How were we to know it would be

21:00

so dark out here? How

21:02

were we supposed to know that turning end over end in the inky blackness of

21:04

it all, we would

21:07

be able to outrun everything except ourselves and our

21:09

emotions. I'm

21:11

in outer space and I'm having feelings. Yeah,

21:16

Devo, I think this one has been done

21:19

before too. Oh, sure,

21:21

sure. But it's not. It's not. It's

21:23

not. Oh,

21:25

sure, sure. But I've got more scripts.

21:28

Try this one on for size. It

21:31

just says War of the Worlds plus numbers

21:33

station. Oh, sorry, sorry. That one's a little

21:35

undercooked, Bill. Last one, I promise. I

21:38

know it's a winner. Hello and

21:40

welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate

21:42

shareholder announcements. Wow, I

21:44

just got the weirdest headache.

21:47

Can we be done? I'll have my

21:50

people reach out with some more ideas.

21:52

That was weird. I'm

21:57

not sure what happened there, shareholders. Like

22:00

my brain started hurting. Success! Let's

22:02

move on. Seventy I talked about

22:04

what the convention looks like. For

22:06

those of you who are not,

22:08

you're enjoying it so do. For

22:10

a couple of highlights, the division

22:12

of Erotic Experiences has been showing

22:14

off a prototype of the Satisfy

22:16

Sir, a sex toy that claims

22:18

to be able to satisfy every

22:20

kind of anatomy and every kind

22:22

of sexual wish. For most people,

22:24

putting this device on or putting

22:26

any part of yourself inside of

22:28

the it in the middle. Of

22:30

a busy convention floor is a

22:32

daunting, perhaps even undesirable action. Others

22:36

have been lining up for hours to have

22:38

a go, and I can tell you that

22:40

only around thirteen of them have been maimed

22:42

by the device. They're still working

22:44

out the kinks. As

22:47

not a double meaning, if anything, they're trying

22:49

to add the other kind of kings. More.

22:52

And more by the day. Once.

22:54

Upon a time we have Carter's Industries thought

22:56

it would be nice to see if the

22:58

real Biblical hell was down there deep under

23:00

the earth's surface. Turns. Out know

23:03

just more more Roxanne dirt's eventually modem

23:05

rocks Anyway, not going to waste a

23:07

big hole in the ground. Recreated are

23:09

How Labor Camp We put people down

23:11

there and we treat them badly so

23:13

that we can fulfill the unmet fantasy

23:16

that a biblical Hell would have provided.

23:18

The Hell: Labor Camp has been mining

23:20

these strings, glowing rocks and apparently married

23:22

to Score Goro the Overseer And How

23:24

Labor Camp foot or team of forced

23:26

laborers to work on carving these glowing

23:29

stones into a variety of pop culture

23:31

icons for you to purchase. His

23:33

legs collectible monsters. And

23:35

flow martial arts do. An.

23:38

Enemy babes. I. Will

23:40

say that we're still unsure what makes the

23:42

rocks glow and we are unsure with a

23:44

lasting effects of being around The glowing rocks

23:46

are. But. They are available

23:48

for sale or the same. The

23:51

Division of Card you Battle reenactment had

23:53

a panel earlier today where they reenacted

23:55

the fight between Fuji Ross and Mon

23:57

Monsters Serve. Which was.

24:00

The real historical battle between two enormous

24:02

monsters. The most notable thing about this

24:04

fights at least the real one was

24:06

the amount of the fight that took

24:08

place on the beaches and in the

24:11

water. They recreated the water for this

24:13

recreation using a painted cardboard. The monsters

24:15

of course if I am to break

24:17

case a bar people in costumes, but

24:19

the costumes are always fun and the

24:22

showmanship showmanship certainly makes up for any

24:24

shortcomings. The division

24:26

of figuring out what all these keys

24:28

go to set up a booth with

24:30

some of their most concerning lox that

24:32

they haven't been able to unlock. He

24:34

would appear that they're hoping to crowdsource

24:36

some solutions by bringing these locks in

24:38

for everyone to look at. There was

24:40

no shortage of people offering to pick

24:42

the lox or break them open, but

24:44

that is simply not the point. This.

24:46

Division of Caicos Industries has a lot of

24:49

keys and any to figure out what

24:51

they go to. It's about the journey. Not.

24:53

The destination. That being said, some

24:56

of the lox word interesting choices

24:58

to bring to a public event

25:00

like this. The dead bodies in

25:02

the chastity belt for example, could

25:04

have less I want home. In.

25:06

The cooler. The

25:08

cage with the ravenous unknown creature

25:11

in it's. Do. We even

25:13

actually want to unlock out when I

25:15

I don't Not here anyway. I

25:18

guess they are eye catching and the more

25:20

mystery they can cultivate, the more members they

25:22

can bring on board. Time

25:25

once again for another employee.

25:28

Spotlights The employee we're spotlighting

25:30

today is. Courtney.

25:33

Slivered Marsters. And

25:36

so that Forty for The Nursery

25:38

works in the archives where they

25:40

have successfully separated the canonical appearance

25:42

of comical characters from the non

25:44

canonical appearances. And they've done this

25:46

using only the most sensible logic

25:48

as no one will ever complain.

25:50

Thank you for all you do.

25:53

Court. me for that nursery They

26:02

say that evil once did an autograph signing,

26:04

and literally everyone showed up. Everyone.

26:07

The line went on for miles. This is things

26:09

we're taking credit for now. Today

26:11

we're taking credit for scalding hot coffee, food

26:14

that's cold in the middle, and

26:18

the sun's radiation. Of

26:20

course, we can't know for sure that we did

26:22

these things. But they are evil, and

26:25

we're evil, and we're just connecting the

26:27

dots, you know? To

26:30

shareholders, we have a contest of sorts

26:32

that we hold before every broadcast here

26:34

at Kakos Industries called the Ruin a

26:36

Life Drawing. It's pretty

26:38

self-explanatory. Goldfish

26:40

on a Table has won today's Ruin a Life

26:42

Drawing. For that reason, the life

26:44

of the nemesis of Goldfish on a Table

26:46

will be ruined. That nemesis

26:49

is Chad Gordon. We

26:52

gave the Wheel of Misery a thorough spin,

26:54

and it landed on the position for generic.

26:57

From this day forward, Chad Gordon will be 30%

26:59

more generic. With

27:01

a name like Chad Gordon, that's going to be hard

27:04

to do, but the Damnation and Ruination Squad are up

27:06

for the challenge, I have no doubt. For

27:08

evil measure, Goldfish on a Table will

27:11

be 18% less generic, and that means

27:13

more expensive tastes, so maybe not a

27:15

complete benefit there. Congratulations on the win,

27:17

and best of luck. Speaking

27:21

of the Damnation and Ruination Squad, that group of

27:23

chaotic individuals who are charged with making the declarations

27:25

of the Wheel of Misery come true, I have

27:28

an update on what they're wearing. I

27:31

cannot for the life of me remember why

27:33

they ran afoul of the Wheel of Misery,

27:35

but it's been giving them stranger and stranger

27:37

clothing requirements. Right now, they are

27:39

walking around the convention center wearing

27:41

axolotl onesies. To

27:43

be honest, they usually wear things

27:46

that are grosser and often less covering,

27:48

so this is probably the best possible

27:50

situation for a convention scenario.

27:54

And this brings us to the end

27:56

of the broadcast, shareholders, and likewise, the

27:58

new shareholder orientation. As I

28:00

mentioned before, the fun helmets you're wearing are

28:03

armed to explode, or at least some of

28:05

them are, so I would not recommend destroying

28:07

the helmet yourself. Leave it outside

28:09

your door and the division of radio transmission

28:11

will collect and dispose of them properly. Or

28:14

you could roll the dice, keep it and see if

28:16

it explodes. You've got nothing to

28:18

lose, and a great helmet to gain. The

28:22

numbers are next. One.

28:26

One. Two. One.

28:29

Four. One. Five.

28:32

Six. Sixty-eight. Seventy.

28:35

One. Four. Four.

28:38

Four. Cacos

28:52

Industries is written and produced by

28:54

Conrad Mischuck, who is also the

28:56

voice of Corin Deese III and

28:58

the composer of the music. The

29:01

introductions and credits are read by

29:03

Ryan L. Jenkins, the only thing

29:05

keeping you going in this terrible

29:07

world. Special

29:09

guest appearances in this episode are Ryan

29:12

L. Jenkins as Patti

29:14

Dublay, Briggs

29:16

Kennedy as Kelly

29:18

Dennison, Mad Bremen

29:21

as Dan Opinion, and

29:24

Evo Terra as Devo

29:26

Patera. Please

29:30

visit cacosindustries.com for news,

29:33

extras, and more episodes. There

29:35

are also transcriptions on the website if you'd like

29:37

to read along with the Cacos Industries

29:39

announcements. Please

29:49

visit cacosindustries.com for

29:51

merchandise and special offers

29:53

and get wonderful benefits

29:55

by becoming a subscription donor

29:57

at cacosindustries.com. You

30:02

can submit one-time donations

30:04

at PayPal.me slash Kakos

30:07

Industries. You can

30:09

also purchase gear and other

30:11

items for the production at

30:14

kakosindustries.com/Wish List. Join

30:17

our community at

30:20

kakosindustries.com/Discord. Questions, comments,

30:22

or strong desire to

30:24

collaborate? Drop us a

30:26

line at inquiries at

30:28

kakosindustries.com. If you

30:30

like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and

30:32

review us on our favorite podcasting

30:35

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30:37

with us on YouTube. youtube.com

30:40

slash Kakos Industries. Facebook

30:44

at facebook.com/Kakos Industries.

30:47

Tumblr at

30:50

KakosIndustries.Tumbler.com. Instagram

30:52

we are at KakosIndustries

30:55

as well as TikTok at

30:59

KakosIndustries. We encourage

31:01

fan art and listener participation

31:04

on all our social media platforms.

31:07

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholder, Jack

31:09

Tooley. Also thanks to honored employee Calico

31:11

who inflated the beach ball for everyone.

31:14

The division of Beanie's Booties and Construction

31:16

Projects that are probably too large for

31:18

yarn directed by Theo Cornett has started

31:21

to knit begonias and marigolds for their

31:23

garden. The division of Obscure Vintage Technology

31:25

directed by Craigises has purchased an antique

31:27

butter churn that also gets you

31:29

off making it evil. The

31:32

division of Subtle Efficiency Increases directed by

31:34

Daniel R. Smith has started using electrical

31:36

impulses to keep employees' bodies moving

31:38

at all times. The

31:40

division of Kakos Cafeteria Reviews directed by Seth

31:42

and Josh has reviewed Food in a Jar.

31:45

It's a wide variety of foods all served in a jar

31:47

5.9 out of 7. The

31:51

division of Improbable Cookbooks directed by Hayden Neff has

31:53

been working on Food That Can Kill You. It's

31:56

a bunch of recipes where you have to be

31:58

really careful. Monday

32:00

Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that

32:02

much more Monday by making all of the

32:04

clocks run a little bit slower, adding 15

32:07

minutes to the day. The Division

32:09

of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah,

32:11

is now considering what makes

32:13

them feel, what sounds make them feel

32:16

the most evil. Infrasound has

32:18

just edged out high-pitched squeals.

32:21

The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by

32:23

Finn, has developed a card that has a spinner

32:25

on it. Doesn't do anything

32:27

in the game, but it helps to fight boredom.

32:30

The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by the

32:32

one True Dave, has stacked six giraffes. They

32:35

are not taking any questions. The

32:37

Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Christina

32:39

Kirkland, has started to write a hot new

32:41

fic about Jeremy from the Division of Smoldering

32:44

and his reflection, Shmeremy.

32:49

The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily

32:52

Reynolds, has introduced wood nuggets. They're a

32:54

little tough to digest. The

32:57

Division of Lesser-Known Napping Locations, directed by

32:59

Sassmaster Jay, has recently taken a light

33:01

snooze in the closet behind Lab 53-7,

33:05

which apparently maintains an ambient temperature

33:07

that is just right. Our

33:10

esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon

33:12

patrons are the best. If you want a thank

33:14

you in the credits to your own division, or

33:16

other great rewards that help to keep this show

33:19

running, please head to kakosindustries.com slash

33:22

Patreon. That's

33:24

Patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N.

33:26

Kakos Industries can be

33:28

dark. Try learning to beatbox.

33:32

It might be

33:35

fun. That's it. See

33:46

how much time do we have left? 15 minutes?

33:51

Vamp. Well I do, I do

33:53

want to say, so when I first started

33:55

listening to Kakos, it

33:57

was part of my literal office job to

34:00

Figure out what the fuck all the keys

34:02

went to like I had of the boxes.

34:04

And boxes is t is one

34:06

had a label this said the

34:08

pin up to con this as

34:10

a normal office building in Phoenix

34:13

like there's no fun obstacles and

34:15

on this and say feel so

34:17

high so it's the same so

34:19

he's secure with they could. See.

34:21

Our of more like there's like lake this

34:23

is a among some lake or something them

34:25

like you're looking to him on what was

34:27

that My real job actually didn't label where

34:29

I kept all the keys the division of

34:32

World sees gives you. A

34:34

specific I kinda in my office our

34:36

says there's certain divisions that I think

34:38

it is. It's not to the most

34:40

common for me to give feedback but

34:42

there's some divisions other people like you

34:44

have to keep telling me what's happening

34:46

with this decision and and that's one

34:48

of the ones that are just sits

34:50

in just about every episode because because

34:52

people need to know where this keys

34:54

go. In

34:56

the key that unlocks what is most sex

34:59

and the to arc. Saw

35:04

her assists My first

35:06

encounter with Caicos was

35:08

looking it up the

35:11

wrong way. Sometimes I

35:13

stumbled on. Youtube

35:15

playlist of all the music the

35:17

like: score that evil sounding score

35:20

or your hands so. The first

35:22

ten episodes of Caucus Industries that

35:24

I listened to wear my terrifying

35:26

inner monologue. A

35:29

smoker s ominous scores under. This is

35:32

it. was awesome. I

35:35

mean, that's that's probably a truer

35:37

rendition of the podcast. Them are

35:39

registered and censor. evil

35:41

and if it's if it's

35:43

your intrusive thoughts and media

35:45

a psychiatrist and me mad

35:47

serve as basically will resume

35:49

that needs to be the

35:51

newest appliance like music for

35:53

work or study or intrusive

35:55

thoughts now says spiral faces

35:57

sister whatever you think about

36:00

That was the podcast. Yeah, you're

36:02

the guest this time or at

36:05

least your anxiety is Let's

36:12

see, Evo, did you have any questions? Are

36:14

you? Would

36:17

you like to hear your voice again? No,

36:20

that that voice hurts my voice to do

36:22

so no But I do like the idea

36:25

of the war of the world and number

36:27

stations. I think there's something there There's

36:30

really an opportunity. I Someone

36:33

just sent me a screen grab It was a super

36:35

well because I don't do as much social media, but

36:37

they sent me a screen grab of it Just

36:39

said okay audio drama podcasters. We get

36:41

it. You've heard of number stations And

36:45

I was personally Take

36:54

all the ideas and just make them

36:56

horny In number stations for horny. I

36:59

mean that's also cock 74

37:09

I will later be auctioning off

37:11

my drawing of a six-bath robot

37:16

We're in like did they go all the

37:18

way around in any And you omitted

37:21

the business Yeah

37:31

only probably one business today and it's a

37:33

robot right and we don't fuck army flag

37:36

where Also

37:41

for sale I Need

37:47

some how many different flavors honey

37:49

would nugget what would you do

37:51

funny? Well, you got frosted wood

37:55

Frosted many would frosted many would know Wood

38:00

nuggets with the marshmallow? Yeah,

38:03

there's probably some like wood cellulose. Marshmallows.

38:10

Now if you want a savory snack, you

38:12

mix wood nuggets with pretzels and

38:15

you know, a few other things. You

38:17

make nuggets mix. It's

38:19

good for camping. Oops, all nuggets.

38:21

How many of

38:24

you read the script you put in that? I

38:26

did. I rehearsed mine with an Uber driver

38:29

on the way over here. Oh, nice. Yeah.

38:32

Good. Yeah. Her daughter's in musical theater,

38:34

so it was probably the best feedback

38:37

I've ever had on a performance. Camera

38:40

shut off. Most

38:42

professional, I definitely have. You did. I don't

38:45

feel my life. Should've plugged it

38:47

in. I

38:49

literally read mine while I was up here ahead of time, figuring

38:51

out what am I going to do. You didn't even know your

38:53

character name. What is going to happen here? I

38:56

sent everyone the script two days ago. They

38:59

have time. Well, until I had

39:01

gotten the Uber, I thought I was Corin. It's

39:03

a good thing. There's

39:08

no such thing as small parts. I read through it on the

39:10

light rail ride over here this morning. I

39:16

warned you. Oh,

39:18

and then I loved it. I am a

39:20

D&D player. So it was very

39:23

nice. That's

39:25

the most natural 20s I've gotten in a

39:27

game ever. On a D6, no less. Amazing.

39:32

That skill. I

39:34

was looking for my actual dice. I do not

39:36

know where they are. I wish I had looked

39:38

at it. I

39:40

would have been.