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head to key4her.com and use the

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code word TITE. Yeah,

1:21

roll away there. I

1:28

feel like I haven't seen you

1:30

for a long time. And

1:32

that's really weird because we recorded only

1:35

two days ago. I don't know, you've just seen

1:37

me. What's been happening

1:39

that it feels like such a long time ago? I don't know, that's

1:41

what I'm saying. I'll tell you what

1:43

I did. Oh yeah, please do. It gives a bit of news there.

1:46

It's not good. I'm dying for news. It's not good news. I

1:50

like bad news as well. It's good,

1:52

like if it's juicy. So I don't

1:54

know if you find this right, but

1:57

back in the day. You

2:00

have to laugh at you. You're always saying,

2:03

this is what I love about back in the

2:05

day. Back in the day, what were you?

2:07

A child that

2:10

was only crawling? I

2:13

talked about it a couple of years ago. Okay, well.

2:15

I actually do start back in the day alone. You

2:17

do go back in the day quite a bit, yeah.

2:19

So that could mean last year. Yeah,

2:21

could be a month ago. When

2:23

I was nervous about a gig, right,

2:26

I would be more visibly

2:28

nervous. Like the people around me would

2:30

know that I'd be, and I'd be

2:33

acting more erratic. So

2:35

I've contained it somewhat now, but there's some

2:37

part of my brain, I'm not engaging with

2:39

it, but I'm still nervous. So before I

2:41

did my last finger shoot, I

2:45

shave, I shave every day. Yeah.

2:48

So do I. Don't do you. Legs, yeah.

2:50

And pits. And pits. Pits, legs and

2:52

pits. Legs and pits. Oh, we're the same. I do

2:54

every day. In the shower in the morning. Yes. That's

2:57

handy. I've done it every other way.

2:59

I've done all the other routes. And I'm like, I'm washing them

3:02

bits anyway. Yeah. Back to the razor.

3:04

It's easier. Yeah. Except for the

3:06

bit bits. You don't do that now. I do that. Oh,

3:09

God. Yeah. I do that for a while,

3:11

but no, that. No, it's fine. I do

3:13

that. Yeah. Okay. We talk about that after. Yeah,

3:15

we talk a bit in the days where. Carry on. But

3:18

whatever I did before that finger shoot,

3:21

I don't think I lathered up. I

3:25

hacked myself. Oh, lord. In

3:28

bits. Oh, under the arm or

3:30

the leg? Both. No,

3:32

just under the arms. Yeah. Thank

3:35

God. Just under the arms. Yeah, thank God. So when I

3:37

went to Amble Park, my pits

3:39

were burning. Burning. God love

3:41

you. And now

3:44

my pits are peeling. My

3:46

pits are peeling. So from

3:49

just a close shave with not a lot of

3:51

lather. Oh, but I didn't. I was so fucking

3:54

tapped dead. God, you must have gone after them.

3:56

I didn't even notice. I'd say you weren't thinking

3:58

about what you were thinking. you were

4:00

doing. I was in autopilot. So

4:03

even today I couldn't find my bag with

4:05

my keys and my phone and

4:08

I thought, oh, the brain is starting

4:10

to shut down now. And thankfully I

4:12

found it, but the brain is shutting down. I've

4:15

got, I'm, I'm not able to

4:17

follow the same. Sorry, as in pre-show.

4:19

Yes. I'm in pre-show. I know.

4:21

I'm in pre-show. I'm serving energy already. That doesn't normally

4:23

happen to me till the afternoon. It was very early

4:25

in the day. It was happening this morning. You're shutting

4:27

down already. We haven't gotten to 11s. That's

4:30

a worry. Yes. So

4:33

I just need to regroup now. Oh my God.

4:35

Okay. Well, we have to record a podcast. So

4:37

I do need you to be present. Yeah, I

4:39

will be present for this thing. Okay. This will

4:41

settle me. This will settle you. Yes. Jesus

4:44

Christ. If you're saying dude, okay, it's going to settle you.

4:47

I'm actually very good. I'm great in

4:49

a crisis. I'm very sad. Do

4:52

you remember when we met for dinner before

4:54

the Vicar Suite for Gaza? That was

4:56

a great chat. That settled me now. Yeah. Remember when

4:58

I was saying all the bits and the bits? That

5:01

was great. I told you. I'm very dependable.

5:04

It's on the small stuff. I'm not good. But

5:06

if you need anyone, there's a crisis in your

5:08

life. Yeah. I'm the woman. Call me.

5:10

If you want to know what time it's starting at, don't ask.

5:13

No, God, no. That's what I said to you. Small stuff.

5:15

Yeah. I don't do small. Big

5:17

things. I'm the girl. Yeah. I'm

5:20

the girl. What's your bad

5:22

news? Did I say I had bad news? Yeah. Well,

5:25

I have no idea. No, but she said I have something to tell you as well. No.

5:30

No, I don't think so. But

5:32

you've had the eyebrows done. I've had the eyebrows done.

5:35

You're really up in your game now. I feel a

5:37

bit behind. You've got the highlights in. You've got the

5:40

eyebrows done. Yes. Lizanne. Yeah.

5:42

I feel a bit like I need

5:44

to get my act together. Multi award

5:46

winning, Emmy award winning makeup artist. What

5:49

was her name? What's her name? Lizanne.

5:52

No, they're. I've had mine done a couple of

5:54

times. Dana, they're quite intense, but they will come

5:56

down. They're not actually Emma. They're not. She's very

5:58

natural. else with the estate like

6:01

that for the rest of your life you'd be delighted

6:03

with them. They don't stay that's the killer. They don't

6:05

stay. No. She's good for the golf. Tell me this

6:07

did you find it sore? I did. I just

6:10

started a bit scratchy and then it's fine. Well

6:13

I found yeah no no like it's not

6:15

not a pain that you wouldn't put up

6:17

with but after a half an hour because

6:19

it's tattooing like the little the little lion

6:21

thing. Honest to God I found a grand.

6:23

Yeah. At the start I was like oh

6:25

yeah I remember this feeling. Before two minutes

6:27

in I was like okay that's hurting me.

6:29

Oh I was burning the fucking air off

6:31

her. What do you

6:33

mean? I was like talking. Yeah. Telling

6:37

her everything. Everything. Well could

6:39

you tell us to some of it to me

6:41

now? I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you

6:43

on this. Just I was just me theories on

6:45

people. Slab people. Me

6:48

theories. Tim

6:57

has manuscript arrived. I'm in the post this morning

6:59

Laura. I got her book in manuscript form and

7:01

the post. It's massive. It's the size of the

7:03

yellow page. It's brilliant. It's huge. Are you happy

7:05

to hear that? Yeah yeah yeah. Because I had

7:08

to cut loads out because they did the legal

7:10

read. The

7:12

legal read and you had things that you could

7:15

have been going to jail for what? Oh

7:18

creeps. Oh the

7:20

feed files. Yeah yeah yeah. You know yourself.

7:22

They had to go. Yeah

7:25

yeah yeah. PEDO. Yeah they should

7:27

just. But you were. They just by

7:29

naming them. You were just talking. No

7:31

but some of them. Identifiable I suppose.

7:33

Really? Yeah yeah yeah. Wow they're out

7:36

there protecting the PEDOs. PEDOs. In PEDO

7:38

protection. That's what it should be called

7:40

a legal read. PEDO protection. Yeah.

7:42

Oh yeah. Right okay.

7:44

I suppose defamation laws in Ireland are pretty strong

7:46

aren't they? I don't think I get a mention

7:49

in this book do I? Jesus here we go

7:51

again. How many times has she asked? Have I

7:53

asked that load? Have I

7:55

got awareness of that? That's definitely the

7:57

early on. Once. No thanks

7:59

for the message. Maybe there'll be a keep

8:01

a tight book one day. You never

8:03

know. A little keep a tight toilet book for

8:06

Christmas. I'd be up for that. Yeah. Me

8:08

and Laura did a calendar for LOL

8:11

and then I never used it. For last

8:13

one laughing we create. Oh, it's only our

8:15

props. Now here we go Laura. Here's a

8:17

test of your memory. Can we remember any

8:20

of our phrases? She's gone straight to the phone. That's

8:22

not the same as memory. My

8:25

favorite was a bird

8:28

in the hand because we're two more than the bird in

8:30

the bush. You were hoping to get your hands on Bernard.

8:35

Something like that. I got that wrong. I remember there

8:37

was like, I hope that I liked that. Where there's

8:39

a will there's a row. So just let the bit

8:41

of land go. Yeah. Where there's a will

8:43

there's a row. So let the bit of land go. That's

8:46

good. Yeah. Like you just

8:48

had a little breather. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

8:51

You just made up. Oh, it's so much fucking, did

8:53

I, you know, I got like, I had a choreographer

8:55

to do a dance. A choreographer? Yeah. A

8:58

choreographer. So someone's going to carry it. Anyway,

9:00

a choreographer to do for what? I

9:02

had a dance. Oh my

9:05

God. I had a disco dance. I'm

9:07

sorry. What are you talking about? For

9:09

a long, for long. Oh, sorry. Oh,

9:11

this last one laughing. Last one laughing. I

9:14

had all this stuff that I had planned

9:16

that I didn't get to do. And it was

9:18

a crotch dance. Oh God.

9:20

I wouldn't have lasted long. Yeah. A

9:22

crotch dance. And I had like this kind of disco

9:25

outfit, like leggings and everything. Oh

9:28

my God, Emma. Yeah. All this stuff. I had

9:30

another like, band sheeting. I had my office character

9:33

in a desk where I'd lock people into it

9:35

and have to interview them in the desk. And

9:37

the desk, I could move the desk around. Did

9:39

we get to see you do anything? Did the

9:41

curtains open? You didn't get to do any of

9:44

your bits. Because I remember I was like, can

9:46

I please let me go on stage? Because I

9:48

was starting to struggle. Like my face was starting

9:50

to crack. Yeah. And then it was

9:52

like, we have this one. And then after that, I promise

9:55

you can go on. I was like, okay. And you laughed and you wrote.

9:58

That's devastating. Yeah. these big.

10:00

But I'm wondering could you save it for the

10:02

live part? Yes. Would you do

10:04

it for that? The crotch dance.

10:07

Yes, we do a live podcast record.

10:09

Yes. You could do your crotch dance.

10:11

You could do your stuff that you didn't get

10:13

to do for last one laughing. And I don't

10:15

know what I'll do. I could do my

10:17

crotch dance. I could read out my

10:20

calendar. Yeah. Because you haven't given it away

10:22

already, dear. Sure, I have all the

10:24

documents there. But I couldn't believe it because I told

10:26

them, oh, I kind of do this funny thing. Or maybe this

10:28

could be funny. Like it could get people to crack. The

10:31

next thing you know, you're in a dance studio

10:33

and you're like, no, this has taken this too

10:35

far now. Like, you know, kind of a dance

10:37

thing that you would do when

10:40

you're in the kitchen, trying to wind people up or

10:42

like if you're pissed or something. Yeah. And now it's

10:44

like five, six, seven, eight. And you're like, no, it's

10:47

really, it's just my crotch. Like that's really all.

10:49

Now that you're doing the five, six, seven, eight, would

10:51

you ever do, um, dancing with the stars? Have

10:54

you been asked? No, I've been asked.

10:56

Oh, you're going to be, do you know what I do?

10:58

You're going to be your profiles after going through the roof

11:00

in the last 12 months. What did we

11:02

say? Do you know what it is?

11:04

Not that it wasn't up there now, but

11:06

you're, you're having a moment. Toxic traits. She's

11:09

ignoring me. No, I'm going to tell you

11:11

toxic traits. I, there's a

11:13

part of my brain that thinks I'd

11:15

actually be okay. And that's not true.

11:17

Well, it's a very simple answer to

11:19

this. Can you dance? No,

11:23

that's not true because we all see your

11:25

freestyle dance. Well, yeah, it's very good. Which

11:27

is hilarious and very good. I'm very bad

11:30

at learning steps.

11:34

Have you got rhythm? I have read them.

11:36

That's it. That's it. If you've got rhythm, you can do it.

11:38

I can do the, tell me the feet, tell

11:40

me the hands. Don't put the two of

11:43

them together. Well, I would be very similar.

11:45

I told you that because I was an Irish dancer,

11:47

so I can do anything on my feet, but I

11:49

can't move my hands. I can do anything with my

11:51

feet. I can do anything. My feet move like lightning.

11:53

I was an Irish dancer. Anyone who is an Irish

11:55

dancer can do anything with their feet, but they can't

11:57

move these. They can't move the hands. No, no, that's

12:00

hands stay down by the side.

12:02

And my mother gave me the weights off the top of

12:04

the pressure cooker. Now you

12:07

probably don't remember pressure cookers, do you?

12:09

I do remember pressure cookers, yes. There's a little weight on

12:11

top of the pot. Yeah. Right, well

12:13

because I was a bit jiggity-doo-da and the hands

12:15

were going, weights, the top

12:17

of the pressure cooker should put them in so

12:19

that the hands would stay rigid down by the

12:22

sides. Look at

12:24

your face. That's kind of, yeah,

12:26

little child abuse, is it? Well,

12:28

I suppose. Yeah. But

12:30

you know, I was a champion Irish dancer, do you know what I mean?

12:33

You couldn't be waving your hands around or you weren't going to get a

12:35

medal. You weren't going to get placed. So she gave you the weight from

12:37

the pressure cooker. The weight off the top of the pressure cooker. When

12:40

I was dancing around the kitchen. Look

12:44

at her face, she can't believe it. It

12:47

does look like a joke. What did you do? What did you have to do? You

12:49

know what I mean? It was like, top jiggle in your

12:51

hands. Oh, here, I gave you something to hold. Okay, yeah,

12:53

yeah. So it was like that. It wasn't like you had

12:55

a whip and was going. Keep those hands down. It's not

12:58

like you were holding like ten kilos in

13:00

each hand. Exactly. You were getting tired from holding

13:02

it, were you? Not at all. Oh, okay. She

13:04

was like, what's ten? Yeah, it's just when you

13:06

said holding these weights as a... No, no. While

13:08

I was doing the dance now, not walking around

13:10

the household. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you know

13:12

what I mean? Just like get up there and

13:14

do your hornpipe and then the hands would be

13:16

like, oh, that's you. Put them into your hands

13:18

and that'll stop you from jiggling them. So

13:21

anyway, that's just to explain how if

13:23

you're an Irish dancer, your hands really

13:25

don't move because you've been... that's been

13:28

absolutely... Drilled, isn't it? Drilled into you.

13:31

So it's very difficult for me to do, you

13:34

know, Charleston's and hands and jazz

13:36

hands and showbiz hands all over

13:38

the place. Yeah. Very difficult.

13:40

Had the feet cut in my hands. At the same

13:42

time as the feet cut in. Also, I think I

13:44

told you this before, the smiling face I found very

13:46

difficult. Ooh. That.

13:50

For some reason, I just couldn't do that.

13:52

That expression. Your face

13:54

has to be full of expression and smiling

13:57

and laughing and loving it. And you found

13:59

that difficult. I was dreadful at it.

14:01

And I'm an actress. I was shocked

14:04

by how bad it was. Could it be the Botox? Is

14:06

that what it was? It was nothing

14:08

to do with Botox. I could smile,

14:10

I could laugh, and my face moves,

14:13

bitch. Bitch.

14:17

Mine's fading away. Mine's

14:19

wearing off, so that's why you're doing it. No, anyway, for

14:22

whatever reason, I don't know. It does vary to your face.

14:25

I was just terrible at it. I don't know why. I

14:27

feel like I could do it now, weirdly. Oh,

14:29

really? Yeah, I don't know why, but

14:31

I feel like why didn't I just,

14:34

why wasn't my brain able to just

14:36

act as in act the happy face

14:38

like this? But maybe. I

14:41

think I felt eggy. Do

14:44

you know what? Egg, right? When you're a performer,

14:46

if something is ick and eggy,

14:48

you're like, oh no, recoiling. Inside, you're recoiling.

14:50

Oh no, no, I can't do that. I

14:53

can't do that. It's awful looking. But in actual fact, when

14:55

I watch the thing back, that big

14:57

smiley face is part

14:59

of it. You have to do it. Yeah, yeah.

15:01

The dancer looks shit without it. It's amazing. They're

15:03

connected. Give it sass. So would you be good

15:05

at that is my question. Yeah,

15:09

I think you've regretted it. You see, you can act it.

15:11

This is the point. You can act

15:13

being a dancer. Yeah, yeah. That's what

15:15

you need to do psychologically. I wish

15:17

in my head, somebody said to me,

15:20

act. Copy her. Pretend you're her. But you

15:23

won, didn't you? Well,

15:25

I was in the final. I didn't win.

15:28

I didn't win. But I didn't win. I

15:31

mean, what's the same Jake Carter won? Jake

15:34

was 19 and I turned 50

15:36

on the night of the final. I told you this before. Boring

15:39

the R-self, you know. Yeah. So

15:42

young. So young. And

15:44

himself and Karen fell in love. They

15:47

did. And they're still together, yeah. How

15:49

many years ago now? Well, six

15:52

years ago. Okay, yeah. Amazing,

15:55

isn't it? He's still

15:57

young though, isn't he? Yeah, well he's 25. them.

18:00

You know, it was pretty massive. Yeah.

18:03

I don't, I think the ratings are

18:05

still very high on it. Um, yeah,

18:07

but definitely, yeah. In the earlier years

18:09

of it, like with everything, I was

18:11

in the second year. Yeah. Only

18:14

the second or the

18:16

third. Yeah. Maybe the

18:18

second. Christ. I think it was only the

18:21

second. That's wild. Was Des actually in the

18:23

first one? I was the second

18:25

or the third. Yeah. Second or the third.

18:27

Um, and yeah,

18:30

it was, it was like, if you, if you

18:32

managed to stay on it for 12 weeks, as

18:35

I did that's Sunday night,

18:37

Telly, the whole country watching for three

18:39

months. So, you know,

18:42

from that point of view, it made

18:44

sense to do it. Oh

18:47

my God. I did the first comic relief

18:49

gig down in the three arena, 7,000

18:53

people. I hosted the iftas while I was

18:55

doing it. I

18:57

don't, I just don't know how, I

18:59

just don't know how I don't know how I did any of it.

19:03

Oh my God. You must be. And we were, we were renovating a

19:05

house at the time. Steve

19:07

was doing that nearly lost his mind because

19:10

I wasn't around or we might have to do it together, but I

19:12

was busy. I'd say, sorry, I'm doing the Charleston. I can't look at

19:14

tiles. All

19:16

that. Uh, you know, no, it's broken.

19:18

So the, but it was also

19:20

very green because what it says in your contract

19:22

is you must dance for four hours. You must

19:25

commit to four hours dancing today. And the gas,

19:27

Deirdre, lol, I had to write

19:29

a new show and I thought, I know

19:31

what I'll do. I'll dance in the morning.

19:34

Yeah. Have lunch and write for four hours

19:36

in the afternoon. Ah, the innocence of me

19:39

became very obvious after a couple of weeks.

19:41

I needed to do minimum six hours, six

19:43

hours went to eight hours. And by the

19:45

time I got up to quarter finals on

19:47

the rest, I was doing 10 hours and I

19:49

had anti-inflammatory injections

19:52

into my calves, into

19:54

my ribs. I was having physio twice a

19:56

week and I had plantar fasciitis and I

19:58

was held together with cell tape and glue. And

20:01

I was throwing the painkillers down my neck. Oh,

20:05

it's physically. Now you

20:07

see that everybody's the same though. I was older

20:09

as well. And maybe you, so some of

20:11

them are very fit and young dancers,

20:14

you know what I mean? All that, but like just,

20:16

and then some people just don't

20:18

try that hard or they're not as good.

20:20

So they don't, they don't get to that

20:22

state. Yes. But if you're, if you're going

20:24

the full distance, that's what you're seeing a

20:26

video out at the time of you and

20:28

your sitting room and you were

20:31

dancing or something, you were showing off

20:33

your legs. That was very early days.

20:35

That was like week two or something.

20:37

Oh, sorry. The video that that's, that

20:39

that's my 50th. That's my

20:42

50th birthday party. Yeah. I've done them

20:44

all over them. I think

20:46

the reason I'm in a short dress on dancing

20:48

around is because my legs were never better. Oh

20:51

my God. Emma, I was in incredible shape. I

20:53

was a stone lighter than I am now. It

20:55

says there was nothing on me and

20:57

I was all muscle. Oh geez.

20:59

My legs, my legs were pure

21:01

muscle. They were fabulous. It's all

21:03

gone now. Yeah, but you couldn't

21:05

be dancing eight hours a day

21:07

now. Like I would not be able

21:09

to do what I did then now. And

21:12

it's only five years ago, just depressing. I

21:14

wouldn't be able. Oh

21:16

my God. And this is something I want

21:18

to ask you. So the question is when

21:20

they ask you. Oh, I thought

21:23

they're going to ask you. I'm convinced of

21:25

it. I'm convinced. I'll come back though. Is

21:27

this? I

21:29

don't know. Actually, they

21:31

do. I'd say they don't know either. Yeah. I mean,

21:33

look what's going on. I'd

21:36

say they don't know, but it's certainly rates very highly,

21:38

but it's an expensive show to make, I believe. Mmm.

21:41

Expanse. Yeah. But they weren't going to do

21:43

it last year. Okay. And then

21:45

they did. Yeah. That's what I felt

21:48

last year. I have to say, I think it'd

21:50

be a terrible loss. Yeah.

21:52

But they live for that show in the

21:54

winter. The winters are very grim. Yeah. And

21:56

I really think it gets people through. I

21:59

really do. It's all glitter and tan and

22:01

that's what everyone needs. Because they're a distraction

22:04

from, yeah. It's getting darker

22:06

than I thought. Yeah. I'm telling you, I

22:08

was on the road. So after it, one of the

22:10

big upsides for me was that I wrote a show

22:12

about it, an entire show. Oh,

22:15

I remember seeing you actually in

22:17

Wexford. Did you see me?

22:19

Yes. Now, I think me and Julie were- Like a

22:21

printer. No, me and Julie were on before you or

22:23

something. Oh. We were kind of- Oh, yes. We were-

22:26

I remember that. I remember the three of us being

22:28

in the dressing room because it was such a

22:30

rarity when three women were in the dressing room

22:32

together. And I remember the stuff was great about

22:34

all- When you find an

22:36

out about who was going

22:38

to be on the show. Yes. And it

22:41

was everyone's like sisters and brothers. Sisters and

22:43

brothers. Nathan Carter's brother. Conor

22:45

McGregor's sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very

22:47

good. And what was- was there

22:50

something about two doors down or something? That was

22:52

the Nathan Carter song. That was a bit about

22:54

two doors down. Yeah. I had a lovely bit

22:56

about that. Oh my God, I got to get

22:58

this stuff up online. I remember this stuff bit.

23:00

Yeah, I remember all of that was all great

23:02

stuff. But you know when

23:04

you're like going mad with the

23:06

work, do you feel guilty about

23:08

home life? Do

23:11

you get the guilt? Well, my big thing was

23:13

that I would get home for dinner. So when

23:16

I was doing those long hours, I was- my

23:18

big thing was get back for dinner and do

23:20

bedtime. Yeah. So that was- and

23:23

I saw them in the morning before I left. Yeah. So

23:25

I saw them in the morning before I left and then-

23:28

Whoever picked them off. I didn't see them in the afternoon and

23:30

then I saw them for dinner and bedtime. And I was happy

23:32

with that. I was like, that's as much as I could do.

23:34

Holly was only eight. Was

23:37

Holly eight? Daniel was very young and she came

23:39

to the show every single Sunday. Oh, did she?

23:42

So she was in it. She

23:44

might have been- actually, I'm telling you, like, I think she was

23:46

10. Okay. I think she was 10. Yeah.

23:50

Definitely. Oh, so probably a good age. I'm really getting this

23:52

wrong. She could have been 11. She was in sixth class,

23:54

was she? Anyway,

23:56

she came to the show every- And she was like, just

23:58

in. people

26:00

are mad. Well, they're very disciplined.

26:02

These are people who are up

26:04

early in the morning. Oh yeah.

26:06

Hard work. Mucking out all that

26:08

shit. Anyone with horses. Yeah. There's

26:10

a lot of overnight oats there.

26:12

Oh, big style.

26:14

Did I even tell you about, I

26:17

got Ella into the horses before? Like

26:19

a fucking take. Well, you do anything. That's

26:21

a period. Anything. She got into

26:24

the horses and

26:28

you can get a horse on livery. You

26:31

kind of rent a horse. Yeah. And I

26:33

did it at Christmas for her one year. You

26:35

see that's proper parenting. Yeah. Yeah. Bush

26:38

went up to the stables on Steve. Do

26:40

you want to get her as a dog?

26:42

Carry on. What do you have to

26:44

do? And I didn't realize this. You have to go and

26:47

catch the fucking horse. So

26:49

I had to help her catch the

26:51

fucking horse. My legs

26:53

were like fucking jelly. And

26:55

like, I did a bit of horse riding with her as

26:57

well. So I wouldn't be telling you that. I

27:00

did. Yeah. My favorite bit is when you went

27:02

up into the fields and just ran for

27:05

a gallop. Gallop. Love to gallop. We

27:08

should. You're just wild. You're adrenaline gets

27:11

going when you're going. Oh yeah. Yeah.

27:15

Trotting is overrated. Isn't it? Trotting. Up and down,

27:18

up and down. And then if you get the

27:20

time, you're like, but you know, she

27:22

was a man to the horse. That's exactly a bit

27:24

that Hannah Burner did about sex, by the way.

27:26

Oh really? You just did there. Up and down,

27:28

up and down. Did you get the time wrong?

27:30

Yeah. It's no use. Same principle. It's exactly the

27:32

same. Yeah. It's exactly. Just give

27:34

Hannah Burner a shout out. So her and

27:37

Vikas went out fabulous. Oh, you went to

27:39

it, didn't you? I went. Yeah. It was

27:41

great. Fantastic. Fantastic. And Stephen was out one

27:43

of where? Was he? Stephen Mullen opened for

27:45

her, did very, very well. Well, always does.

27:47

And there was another girl before him, an

27:50

American girl. This is how the Americans do it.

27:52

Her name is Gabby and she was fantastic as

27:54

well. So they do 10 minutes each?

27:56

I think she did like 10

27:59

and think Stephen did. 15 and Hannah

28:01

did her hour. Yeah. Lovely.

28:03

Yeah. Yeah. I

28:07

hadn't met Hannah before, which was part of the reason

28:09

I was there. I was, I was meant to go

28:11

to their wedding to her and she's

28:13

married to dad's Bishop. Yes. Obviously we go back a

28:16

long way and I was meant to

28:18

go to that wedding and I was dead though, but

28:20

I couldn't go. I mean, this

28:22

business is so, it's awful. I had

28:24

a corporate job on the same weekend,

28:26

but I just couldn't afford not to

28:29

do. I just could not. I

28:31

was tossing a turn and going, can I, can

28:33

I get out of this? Can I not do

28:35

this? Yeah. The wedding was in America, wasn't it?

28:38

In New York. Oh yeah. No, like I needed

28:40

travel a few days. I needed all the rest.

28:42

Anyway, whatever. I couldn't go, but I'll

28:44

never get over, regret, regret. I've

28:47

missed a lot of weddings. Yeah. Well, that's

28:49

the thing. Don't you miss a lot of stuff like that?

28:51

Don't you? I have missed so many things. Yeah.

28:54

It's antisocial because our

28:56

jobs, our weekend jobs. I

28:58

know. I think people get it now, but

29:01

like every so often I would have to say

29:03

to people like, I do love

29:05

you, but I'm

29:07

working. Yeah. You know, I don't know constantly.

29:09

You're working when everyone's like, you know, on

29:11

holidays and doing the fab bits. I literally

29:13

get people texted and go, can you come

29:16

for dinner on Friday, the thing? And

29:18

I'm like, Thursday, Friday and Saturday

29:20

for the next year are gone in

29:22

my calendar. Wednesdays are good.

29:24

Wednesdays are great for me. Wednesdays and

29:26

Sundays. Yeah. Sundays.

29:29

Yeah. I like Sundays because you could, you could,

29:31

you could, you could make a late afternoon lunch

29:33

dinner thing on the Sunday and drag it out

29:36

and meet with people. But yeah, I, anything, forget

29:38

it. We're antisocial for the, for the whole of

29:40

the next year. Yeah. And it's terrible. Just for

29:43

the rest of my life to stand up. Cause

29:45

I have a friends wedding in at the, well,

29:48

our hands, sorry, student, not kind of a

29:50

hand fortieth end of August.

29:53

I've literally had to put that

29:55

in block capitals. The

29:57

state is gone. Oh no, I've had to,

29:59

yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I've already got a... We

30:01

have a wedding, friends going to, so I

30:03

had to go to the

30:05

agency. I cannot work that Friday,

30:07

that Saturday. Like, ahead of time. I need

30:10

notice. This

30:19

show is part of Head Stuff Podcasts. Here's

30:21

another show you might like. Lovely

30:24

stuff. Oh, hey

30:26

there, folks. It's Kevin McGowan here. And just

30:29

Dean Stafford. And we got exciting news that

30:31

we got a brand new podcast called The

30:33

Lovely Show. What's The Lovely Show about, Justine?

30:35

Oh, it's about everything and anything you wanted to be,

30:37

Kevin. And it's also about absolutely nothing.

30:39

Yes. So if that sounds good to

30:42

you, head on over to wherever you

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get your podcast or to headstuffpodcast.com and

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look for The Lovely Show. Come

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on, we'd like to get back to your podcast there. Oh, is it good?

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Code word? Tight. Tight. I thought

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it was keeper tight, but it isn't.

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It's tight. Tight. Okay, thank

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you. Where could you get that? keyforher.com.

32:21

Well, when I went to Pickers Street the other

32:24

night, I was madly befriended on the doorman

32:26

on the duty at all the chat. Oh,

32:28

yeah, yeah, yeah. They were delighted to see

32:30

me, by the way. That seemed courageous. How

32:32

are you? I said, I'm great. Heard you're

32:34

down in the other night. And

32:36

she was chatting away. It's

32:42

amazing, the things. They

32:45

get you going. Oh, they

32:47

told you that, Titty. I never

32:50

knew that. I must go in. So

32:53

did you go into Pickers Street, uncle,

32:55

out and up to the ninth? Glammed

32:57

to the ninth. Flirting

32:59

to beat the band. Flirting to

33:01

beat the band. Which

33:05

is my favourite thing in life, anyway. There's

33:09

skin out here and is. Here I am, and there's more

33:11

of me to follow. Her dad

33:13

Emma in last

33:17

week. Of course, Emma top-steered again, because

33:23

she's in there again tonight, so she can make a

33:25

show of me now. Her dirge was in the other

33:27

night, plain as the day. Did

33:31

she even have her makeup on? Of

33:34

all the things to wage it up. The fact

33:36

that I was chatting to one of them and

33:38

said, oh, you know, he's a person going, well,

33:40

I never knew that. I'd be chatting to them

33:42

loads. Would you see?

33:46

I think I'm a great chatter to people, but

33:48

then I hear Emma, I was in the camp,

33:51

I was chatting away, getting the news from the

33:53

people. I'm like, oh, maybe I need to up

33:55

my game with the chatting stakes. You

33:57

have to listen. I do listen. Jesus

34:00

Christ, what do you think I am, talking at

34:02

them, not listening to their problems? I

34:05

know how to engage with the public, excuse me

34:08

very much. I

34:10

know how to engage with the public!

34:14

Tuts! What

34:17

an unconvincing sentence. If somebody has

34:19

to say, I know how to

34:21

engage with the public, then

34:24

they have no fucking clue. Well

34:27

that is absolutely not true of me,

34:29

I'm very grounded. Don't hurt your

34:31

honour. Actually,

34:34

so many said it to me the other day. What

34:36

did they say? They listened to

34:38

the podcast, and they were

34:40

aware of you, right? No,

34:43

no, thanks, we should come for

34:45

that! No, they

34:47

were aware of you! Listen, it's getting good,

34:49

you should come all the way around. Let's

34:51

be fair, and that is the truth. But

34:54

that's a joke! They

34:56

were aware of you. So

34:58

they were more aware of me,

35:00

and they knew you, and whatever,

35:02

they said, Deirdre O'Kane, revelation! They

35:06

had tossed, because they didn't know you and

35:08

they had engaged with your stuff, that

35:11

they said, oh I was kind of

35:13

worried that she'd be a highbrow. And

35:19

then, oh no, and then she's just like, oh yeah, she's

35:21

all over the place, now

35:26

she's great crack, and she's like, oh yeah, yeah,

35:28

I didn't know! But isn't that lovely that there

35:30

was an air of highbrow? You see, that's the

35:33

French. I can do the highbrow thing, I want.

35:36

I'm lovely on the telly, have you ever seen

35:38

me on the telly? Yeah, I've been interviewed and

35:40

the like, when I'm not swearing and I'm not,

35:42

you know... Yeah, very, very take to the swearing.

35:44

In fact, I had to say that to my

35:46

audience recently, I'm so sorry if you came to

35:48

see me, because you only see me on the

35:50

telly. I'm lovely on the telly. Yes. Different, live,

35:52

very different. Live is different. Yeah, they're very shocked.

35:54

They're shocked by some of my jokes and they're

35:56

shocked by my eff and I'm blind. Definitely, and

35:58

I have to. I'm looking at lovely women who

36:00

are dialed up. And I have to say to them, I'm so sorry. You

36:03

just know me from the telly, don't you? Yeah.

36:05

But the F and Jeff, and you have to

36:07

do it on stage. Well, it gives me energy.

36:09

Me too. I'm getting it. And it's kind of

36:12

like punctuation. By the way. I'm enjoying myself. By

36:14

the way, one of the things in the early

36:16

days of stand up when I was one of

36:18

the few women on the scene, I

36:20

definitely couldn't swear then. Isn't

36:22

that interesting? I really like,

36:24

I might've gotten away with three, saying

36:28

the F word three times because

36:30

people didn't like it. They

36:32

didn't like a woman swearing. But that's

36:35

how people talk when they're relaxing. Yeah, and just

36:37

telling it. But I'm just telling you now, they

36:39

weren't used to seeing women on stage, and they

36:41

did not like the swearing. And they didn't even

36:43

notice that the men were swearing. They

36:45

didn't notice. Yeah. They were having

36:47

a blunge to beat the band, but I could only get away

36:49

with it. I had to really be careful. Yeah.

36:53

So there you go. So now that that's

36:55

fucking over. Oh, yeah, actually, because, do you

36:57

know what as well, I see sometimes online,

36:59

not just for myself, but lots of female

37:01

comedians say, oh, typical female comedian, oh, she

37:03

doesn't talk about sex. If you

37:05

watch the fact that they talk about their

37:07

penis as nonstop, but because it's a fella

37:10

doing it, it's fine. But if a woman

37:12

talks about anything like that, it makes them

37:14

feel a certain way in their tum tum

37:16

to go, well, I

37:19

don't like this. Yeah, that's just

37:21

catching up. It's catching up period. So

37:23

for years, men,

37:25

so dick jokes is a thing in stand up.

37:28

It's like an easy. It has a name. Dick

37:30

jokes. It has a name. It has a name.

37:33

And we don't have the equivalent, obviously. But

37:36

women now, female comics, are doing it. Probably

37:38

a bit too much, I would say. Does

37:41

that sound unfair? I

37:44

would say there's a lot of talk about the diners. That's

37:46

not, it's like when I hear them, I go, OK, I've

37:48

heard that before. It's the same with the dick joke you

37:50

go, look, I've heard every. I've heard every. You probably don't

37:52

want to be doing an hour on it. You

37:54

certainly don't. You don't want to be. Yeah,

37:57

unless it's very clever and you've got a new angle.

37:59

Yeah. I've heard all of that before. Yeah.

38:02

No, okay. I've been doing this a long time. So I've

38:04

heard every imaginable dick joke under the

38:06

sun. So if I hear young fellas doing dick jokes, I'm

38:08

thinking, oh, okay, love. What I want to tell you is

38:10

I want to take your side and let you understand that

38:13

these jokes have been told for 50 years.

38:16

Yeah. Oh, I'd love to

38:18

see you take some young fella aside

38:20

to give his trenches and

38:22

say, no, listen, love. Listen, listen, these have

38:25

been done. I've been listening to stuff about

38:27

Mickys for a long time. Yeah, I have.

38:30

I've heard them all. Yeah. And it's done.

38:33

So unless you've got a really unique

38:36

angle. Yes. Ironically. Yeah.

38:39

Yeah. Then. Metaphorically

38:42

and physically. But now the women, I suppose

38:44

what I'm saying is they're entitled to a

38:46

catch up period. Yeah, well, there's a moment

38:48

in the episode so they're entitled to talk

38:50

about joining them and say whatever they want

38:52

to say. In terms of the

38:55

content or subject matter and

38:58

how risque or not risque or whatever, there's

39:01

not a disproportionate amount

39:03

of women talking about that

39:05

stuff. People who go on stage

39:07

in a nighttime environment, in a

39:09

nightclub, in a nighttime setting with

39:11

alcohol and it's dark and whatever.

39:14

The whole thing is like, you know, about

39:17

saying stuff that's kind

39:19

of out there or on the line or

39:21

whatever. That's what it's all about. Well,

39:24

yeah. Well, totally. And I'm back

39:26

to Hannah. Hannah Burner the other night, she did a

39:28

whole bit about sex that was hilarious. Really

39:31

hilarious. And very refreshing because I

39:33

thought, my God, I

39:35

kind of realized I've been listening to men. I've

39:38

been talking about sex for so long. Yes. That

39:41

I kind of didn't even,

39:43

I kind of forgotten that there was a

39:45

female perspective on it. Yeah, female perspective. And

39:48

hers was absolutely brilliant and refreshing. Very,

39:50

very funny. Very, very funny. What

40:03

are we saying about your socks? Do

40:05

they think there's anything

40:08

wrong with that? Do they say anything to you? Socks

40:12

with uggs now. She's

40:16

wearing socks with uggs. But

40:18

they're the slipper uggs. Yeah. Are

40:21

they slippers or are they for shoes? The

40:23

shoes. Okay. Well, they

40:26

have a proper slip on. They're very comfortable. Are

40:28

they very comfortable? Yeah, they're very comfortable. Okay. Yeah.

40:33

So you've come from the gym. I've come from

40:35

the gym. But my socks are

40:37

an ankle sock, not a footy sock. Not

40:39

a footy sock. Do

40:41

you have an issue? An issue. What is

40:43

your feeling? Would you wear a sock like

40:46

this? I don't

40:48

generally. Yeah. But

40:51

in the winter, I'm very cold. This is all right. So

40:55

with the runner, I think I'd be happier.

40:57

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

41:00

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

41:03

Yeah. Yeah. So

41:05

what the internet is saying is to wear one

41:07

sock like this is more

41:10

Gen X kind of. And

41:13

to wear like a footy sock is

41:15

older. Older. Okay. Gen

41:18

X is older. Oh,

41:21

Gen. Well, I have a footy

41:23

sock. Gen Z are wearing their socks. I'm

41:28

doing a Gen Z sock. So

41:31

you're younger and I'm in the footy with the runner

41:33

now. So I'm older. Is

41:35

that it? Yes. But I still have

41:37

socks like that. Well,

41:39

if I wore those with my jeans,

41:42

that would not be good. No, but

41:44

not with jeans, but with like, like

41:46

with leggings, with sports leggings or whatever.

41:49

Yeah. An older person would wear the

41:51

footy. Yeah. But then I

41:54

saw someone make the point that they

41:56

can't wear ankle socks up like that

41:58

is because that's how her. dad wore

42:00

socks. Do you know what

42:02

I mean? Everything goes in a cycle. Yeah. Like,

42:05

I don't know whether you have any, do you

42:07

have a particular way that you part your hair?

42:09

Yeah. What way do you part your hair? Just to

42:11

the left or the widow's peak? Right,

42:13

so that's, yeah. Just sorry, to

42:16

the right of it. So there you go.

42:18

That's that. And I don't have a total perfect

42:20

dividing line. So that's meant to be older.

42:22

An off-centre party is meant

42:24

to be older. A middle parting

42:26

is meant to be younger. Yeah, but this is

42:28

all bullshit. Yeah. Because you have to just do

42:30

what's right for your head. Yes. So,

42:33

and nor do I follow fashion trends. In

42:35

fact, I can't stand them. So if somebody

42:37

tries to dictate to me about how socks

42:39

are to be worn, I'm like, no, I'll

42:41

be wearing the socks to

42:43

what pleases my eye. Yes. Yeah. And

42:45

obviously skinny jeans are meant to be out

42:47

now. Yeah. So everyone can fuck off with

42:49

the skinny jeans right now. Oh, that riled

42:52

her now. Because the skinny jeans will never

42:54

be out for me. Had this conversation with

42:56

Vogue, lovely Vogue Williams. Oh yes. What did

42:58

she say? Who posted about going, oh, can't

43:00

wear my skinny jeans because

43:02

people are saying they're out. I'm like, are you joking

43:05

me? Get a grip. Skinny jeans are my thing and

43:07

they have been on my, and they'll never be out

43:09

for me. And you want to see how rubbish I

43:11

look in baggy jeans, by the way. If I could

43:13

find a pair of loaves, I'd wear them, but I can't find them.

43:16

No, she's kind of gone back into them. She was.

43:18

She's been out of them for ages. Oh. I'm like,

43:20

no, no, you can't be doing that. No,

43:23

I'll come back around anyway. I have to wear

43:25

what suits your body. This is what they do

43:27

to get you buying stuff. Yeah. Rubbish.

43:29

I can't be doing that. I

43:31

can't stand specific fashion trends. Like for example,

43:33

what's in at the moment? I wouldn't have

43:36

a clue, would you? With fashion. I wouldn't

43:38

have a clue. I wouldn't have a clue.

43:40

But it's getting into summer, so that's not my time to shine. That's

43:43

not a good time for me. It's hard.

43:45

I think summer's hard for us. Very quiet.

43:49

Yeah. I just started

43:51

to get all kind of bloated and... Well,

43:54

this is not true. Mrs. Drink and Gallons of

43:56

Water. Come on. No, with the heat. I

43:58

fucking go to space. We went

44:00

to Nollie's Spaywoods and we're keeled up, not

44:02

like QQ, but we're at the reception, checking

44:05

in, we've made a... Shane looks

44:08

over and I've keeled over. I've keeled over

44:10

with the heat. I'm not built for heat.

44:13

I just can't do it all. What degrees? What

44:15

can you do up to 25? Oh,

44:18

18's low. So,

44:31

do you know the way everyone has a more street story?

44:33

Yes. My favourite one from

44:35

back in the day is a posh

44:38

lady. So the story goes, it was at

44:40

the fish and the fish stall. There was

44:42

a woman, she had a fish, a

44:45

whole array of fish and a tray

44:47

full of prawns and a quite a fan. The posh lady

44:49

was having a chat with her, she was having a dinner

44:51

party, she wanted to buy some prawns. And

44:53

the next thing she wanted to feel,

44:55

then she put her hand. No, this is a...

44:59

And the woman, the street owner,

45:01

came over to me and said, them

45:03

is prawns, not pricks. They won't get

45:05

any bigger with your hand on them.

45:10

Do you like that? Yeah. It's a

45:12

proper joke. That's a proper... Keep your

45:14

hands off me bleeding prongs. Yeah, not

45:16

pricks. They won't get any bigger with

45:19

your hand on them. Very good. Very

45:21

good. Where

45:24

is she now? They were probably prongs and shells,

45:26

just in case you were thinking, how would anybody

45:28

be touching? They would have been in shells. The

45:30

little squiggly eyeballs and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

45:32

I'd love all that. I'd love a bit of

45:34

all that. I love prongs. I

45:36

can't fuck up getting that with... You said that with quite

45:39

a lot of conviction, I believe. I'll tell you

45:41

what happened. I eat a lot of prongs. I

45:43

love prongs. Quite high in cholesterol is the only

45:45

thing. Are they? Apparently so. Fuck that.

45:48

Now, I love them. And nobody else in the family

45:50

is really into them. That's good to know. I'd like

45:52

a few prongs. Yeah, I went down to Sandymount, was

45:54

getting the hair done. I went into the coffee shop

45:56

next door. In a big fuck off bag of prongs

45:58

in the freezer on Special. Yeah, but where

46:00

were they from now? Where were they from? You have to

46:03

check where the prawns are from because they're not up to

46:05

much of their farm. There's no taste of them. Oh, they

46:07

were good prawns. They're big juicy prawns now. They

46:09

taste delicious. Yeah, they're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

46:11

What about the squiggly, jubbing bay prawns? How do

46:14

you feel about them? The jubbing bay prawns are

46:16

great. Do you like them? Yeah, they're the little

46:18

fellas. The little fellas.

46:20

Well, you're talking about shrimps now. Now

46:22

I'm talking about like little tiny prawns. Yeah, what

46:24

do you think about them? They're not

46:27

farmed. They taste. There's a different taste and

46:29

there's a different texture. We look to tell

46:31

someone, take us fishing. I'd love to go

46:33

fishing. You've got a prawn Chinese and they're

46:36

very rubbery. That's a farmed

46:38

prawn. There's no taste of that. All you're tasting is

46:40

the MSG from the sauce. There's nothing in that. It's

46:42

rubbery. I couldn't eat them now anymore. They're

46:50

not prawns. They're very hard. That's

46:52

right. They're very rude. They won't get any bigger with

46:54

your hand than them three times. You were saying to

46:56

me like it's so serious. Three times. No,

46:59

you see them prawns in the Chinese. Very

47:02

rubbery. They're farmed. Wouldn't eat

47:04

them again. I won't eat them anymore. Like

47:06

is it this is a life and death

47:08

situation? Yeah, very serious. Very, I can't, I

47:10

can't beat them anymore. Well, I know someone

47:13

talks like that about everything.

47:15

It's good though. It's quite a good

47:17

counter and everything's very serious. So in

47:19

I went to Sandra, in

47:21

I went and I spoke to the woman at the desk and

47:23

I said, well, where would I find them? Where would I find

47:26

them? And she said, she

47:28

said, if you're down to the freezer section, you

47:31

might find them next to

47:33

the piece. Gravity,

47:37

like heavy duty, very serious as

47:39

if you were given the news

47:41

of the world. Well,

47:43

it's a great way to live a life though.

47:45

A great character. Yeah. I know somebody like them.

47:48

And I said to her and she said to me,

47:51

wait a little. And

47:58

there's nothing at no news. worth

48:00

talking about. Nothing to

48:03

report here. Very important.

48:06

Like me, but the prawns. Very

48:08

rubbery. You'll

48:11

see a lot of Vietnamese prawns in Argentinian now,

48:13

not to put them down, but a lot of

48:15

them are very rubbery, very farmed. No,

48:21

but they're very rubbery. Stephen, won't

48:24

forgive me now first, lagging off the Argentinian

48:26

prawns. Very proud of his Argentinian heritage. He'll

48:28

forgive you. He will. He

48:31

won't be listening. He won't get to

48:33

the end anyway. He

48:35

won't get to the front. Here's a test

48:37

now. Let's see if Stephen's listening. Exactly.

48:41

Oh, I believe Thanks and Milf this week

48:43

is meant to be magnificent. Yeah,

48:46

so we've been told. Yeah, I'm going

48:48

to listen. Because when we

48:51

record, we don't discriminate

48:53

about Thanks and Milf and Main

48:55

Episode. The only thing I

48:58

think that happens is that some of the

49:00

juicy stuff that we might have afraid is

49:02

too juicy goes into Thanks

49:04

and Milf. Yeah, Laura says that feels like a Thanks and

49:06

Milf. That's what

49:09

she says. She thinks it's going to, could cancel

49:11

us. Yeah. So that's where all that stuff is.

49:13

And thanks for the people who have

49:16

subscribed to Thanks and Milf.

49:19

Thanks and Milf. And the lovely messages. We do love to get them.

49:22

I read some of the reviews there the

49:24

other day, and it really gave

49:26

me a lift. Yeah, I think I'll do

49:28

that now to see. Do, do because yeah,

49:31

people were just like, Oh, what

49:34

a team. You know, all that.

49:36

Just like it was honestly, because I hadn't looked at

49:38

them in quite a while. And I

49:41

was like, yeah, there are some people

49:43

who are just like, yeah, in heaven.

49:45

They're just laughing and waiting for this

49:47

waiting for this gratifying. Yeah. Put in

49:49

the gratitude journal. Yeah. Thank

49:52

you for listening to Keep it Tight. See

49:54

you next week. Yeah. We'll see

49:57

you next week. All right. Thanks, Milf. This

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