4:01

I'm sure you know that most men, as

4:03

well as quite a number of women, are

4:05

not monogamously endowed by nature.

4:08

Nature will come through even stronger

4:11

if convention and circumstances are

4:13

put in resistance in the way of the individual."

4:16

Though it was probably left out of your history

4:19

books, the renowned physicist

4:21

had a lot of experience when

4:23

it came to his theory of infidelity.

4:27

Despite being married twice throughout

4:29

his lifetime, Einstein was

4:32

certainly not faithful to either

4:35

wife.

4:36

He would first marry in 1903

4:39

to Malivia Merrick, a mathematician

4:41

and fellow student at Zurich University

4:45

and from the very beginning their relationship

4:48

was certainly not conventional.

4:51

This really came to light in the 1980s

4:54

when a series of their letters were

4:56

released and exposed to the public. And

4:59

in them we can see that the two lived

5:01

together and even conceived a child

5:04

as early as 1902,

5:07

when Malivia was still residing with

5:09

her parents.

5:10

After even birth, Malivia returned to Switzerland

5:13

without her child, whose true identity

5:15

and fate to this day remain a

5:18

mystery. In a letter

5:20

dated September of 1903,

5:22

Einstein hinted that the girl may have either

5:25

been given up for adoption or succumbed

5:27

to scarlet fever during her infancy.

5:30

After the two married, they would go

5:32

on to give birth to

5:34

two beautiful boys. However,

5:38

their relationship was definitely not

5:40

a Disney classic. Throughout

5:43

the course of their

5:44

marriage, it has been estimated

5:47

by historians and biographers

5:50

that Einstein would have cheated on her

5:52

with at least 10 different

5:55

mistresses. And

5:57

eventually she was left for

5:59

one.

5:59

of his mistresses who

6:02

was also his first cousin.

6:05

And they call that the theory of

6:07

relatives. Now,

6:10

you would probably assume that a man that's being

6:12

caught out for cheating and ended

6:16

into a fair with his cousin might

6:19

feel pressured to do the right thing, to

6:21

file for divorce and then make

6:24

things right with his mistress. Not

6:26

so with Einstein. He

6:29

remained married and separated

6:31

for five years. And even after his divorce, he

6:36

was pulling his feet through

6:38

the mud to enter into marriage

6:41

again.

6:42

And I think this really comes down to the

6:44

fact that Einstein held these very

6:48

passionate views about matrimony

6:50

and monogamy. The only reason

6:52

that they ended up getting married to his second wife

6:55

Elsa was because of pressures from

6:57

their joint family,

6:59

first cousins. Let's not forget that.

7:02

This was kind of summarized in a letter that I

7:04

found from Einstein

7:07

where he really talks about the fact that

7:10

the values of relationship for

7:13

the older generation are so different

7:15

to the ideas that he's embodied, which

7:17

are very much this kind of free love

7:19

perspective. Something that's very interesting

7:22

to consider today when we kind of see ourselves

7:24

in this very open

7:27

time talking about different relationship

7:29

structures, whether it's polyamory or

7:31

open relationships. It was a conversation

7:34

that was going on even back in Einstein's

7:36

time.

7:41

The attempts

7:42

to force me into marriage come

7:44

from my cousin's parents and

7:46

is mainly attributable to their vanity,

7:49

though moral prejudice, which is

7:52

still very much alive in the old generation,

7:55

also plays a part.

7:58

With all of this pressure in play, Einstein

8:01

finally succumbs and decides to

8:03

put a ring on it. Though

8:05

sad for Elsa, she was destined

8:08

to share the same fate as

8:10

the first wife. Einstein

8:13

did not learn from any of his mistakes

8:15

and instantly entered

8:18

into a series of passionate

8:20

love affairs. From

8:23

his collection of letters, we can see at

8:25

least six main mistresses

8:27

that played a part within their marriage,

8:29

and they are described as such.

8:33

One blonde Austrian, one

8:35

wealthy florist business owner,

8:38

one wealthy widow, and one

8:40

socialite from Berlin. Einstein

8:42

is a man who certainly can be said

8:45

not to stick to one type. And

8:47

one of the affairs that I find really

8:50

interesting and quite fun was

8:52

with Margarita Konyankov,

8:55

not to be confused of course with Margarita Pizza.

8:58

Now Margarita was a Russian

9:01

spy who was married

9:03

to

9:03

the sculptor, Sergy Konyankov.

9:06

Now this is the sculptor

9:09

who would actually create the bronze

9:11

bust of Einstein, which you can

9:13

find in the Institute of Advanced Study

9:16

at Princeton. Talk about

9:18

a cuckold. This man has

9:20

literally created a bronze

9:24

sculpture of the man

9:26

that his wife is fucking.

9:28

Love that win for the cockolds of the

9:31

world.

9:33

But Einstein was so confident

9:36

in all of his affairs that when

9:38

he started to engage in one very

9:41

passionate affair with his secretary,

9:43

he even went as far as to suggest

9:45

to her that she should move in

9:47

with him and his wife.

9:50

And as a slapback that I truly love,

9:53

when the secretary declined, she said

9:55

to Einstein that she had a better understanding

9:58

of triangular

9:59

geometry than he does.

10:03

Love triangles. Not always a lot

10:05

of fun.

10:09

So what's the philosophy behind

10:11

Einstein and his various

10:14

love affairs? Was

10:17

there some deep underlying principles

10:19

of free love, or was he

10:21

just the OG fuckboy?

10:25

Well, in this letter that he wrote just before

10:27

his death, he went on to say that

10:30

when a man forces himself to remain

10:32

monogamous, it is the bitter fruit for

10:34

everyone involved.

10:36

It was Einstein's belief that

10:39

everyone in relationships would be a lot

10:41

happier if they were able to

10:43

fuck around and follow their

10:46

physical instincts. And

10:48

maybe there's some credence to this.

10:51

He wasn't deluded. Einstein

10:54

acknowledged that this proclivity came

10:56

with its own burden. A

10:58

man caught between two women could

11:00

create animosity between

11:03

them because of this infidelity. And

11:05

Einstein stated that there was no satisfactory

11:08

solution to this problem for a

11:10

well-intentioned person.

11:12

His philosophy when it came to love really

11:14

boils down to one principle.

11:17

One should do what one enjoys and

11:20

won't harm anyone else. Sounds

11:23

absolutely wonderful. Maybe

11:26

Einstein was the free thinker

11:28

of love that many of us need to look

11:30

up to today and adopt in their own romance

11:33

life.

11:34

However, I think it's pretty important

11:36

to remember that when we discuss Einstein

11:38

and his theories of infidelity,

11:40

Einstein did not

11:43

stick to his own principle. While

11:46

he did exactly what he wanted to do,

11:48

it hurt a lot of people

11:50

along the way. And

11:53

Einstein took a very weird

11:55

sadistic delight in the pain

11:57

that his affairs caused to his wife.

11:59

It's also

12:02

worth noting that while Einstein

12:04

was happy to fuck everyone under

12:06

the sun, this allowance was

12:08

very much one-sided. While

12:11

he believed that men should and would

12:13

enter into a number of fairs, wives

12:16

were alternatively expected to be

12:19

passive and accept the infidelity

12:21

dealt to them. He wrote, In

12:24

fact, while Einstein's theories of love have very

12:26

much been disregarded, one thing

12:29

that's

12:37

also left out of history is his terrible

12:39

treatment of his wives.

12:44

During a period of separation from his first

12:47

wife, Einstein would write

12:49

a list of conditions that she

12:51

must accept if they were to continue

12:54

living together.

12:56

That my clothes and

12:58

laundry are kept in good order. That

13:02

I will receive my three meals regularly

13:04

in my room. That

13:07

my bedroom and study are kept neat,

13:09

and especially that my desk is left

13:12

for my use only. If

13:14

you read this letter without context, I think it would

13:16

be difficult to discern that

13:18

this is his wife and not his slave.

13:22

Among the many demands of chores, cooking

13:24

and assistant work, Einstein also

13:26

instructed his wife that, If

13:28

they were to continue living together, Einstein

13:30

states that she must renounce all

13:35

personal

13:41

relations with him.

13:43

Specifically, you will forgo, That

13:46

my sitting at home with you, and 2. My

13:49

going out or travelling with you. His

13:52

treatment of women certainly didn't improve when

13:54

it got to his second wife, Elsa. It's

13:57

here that we see the very sadistic satisfaction

13:59

that he took.

13:59

in his affairs and how

14:02

upset it made her. In

14:04

one letter to Alsa, he even

14:06

expressed his frustration that his

14:09

recent mistress had not caused

14:11

her upset by disclosing their

14:13

affair to her. She

14:15

didn't even tell you a word. Isn't

14:18

that reproachable?

14:21

Basically, Einstein was wanting

14:23

his mistress to tell his wife

14:26

that they were fucking because it would

14:28

hurt her. Clearly

14:31

having a high IQ does not necessarily

14:33

make you a good person.

14:39

I think the largest problem when it comes to

14:42

Einstein's extramarital affairs is

14:44

not necessarily the affairs themselves,

14:47

but as I say, that he did not stick

14:49

to his principle. One should do what

14:51

one enjoys and won't harm anyone

14:53

else.

14:54

Einstein had truly fascinating

14:57

ideas surrounding what it meant to be

14:59

in love and a relationship and

15:02

the need to experience our bodily

15:04

pleasures.

15:05

These were undeniably large

15:07

part of his famed life. And

15:11

yet this pleasure and passion

15:13

was often gained at the expense

15:15

of others.

15:17

I would like to imagine that if Einstein had

15:19

his time again, things would have

15:22

quite likely worked out a lot differently.

15:25

I think it goes without saying that

15:27

Einstein was a bit of

15:29

an intelligent man, though I think it should also

15:32

be noted that Mleva has

15:34

been recognized as potentially

15:37

being an uncredited contributor

15:40

to a considerable amount of his work,

15:42

especially when it came to his theory of relativity

15:45

at university.

15:47

But maybe Einstein with all of his

15:49

intelligence and brains, if he had lived

15:51

today, would have had a greater understanding

15:54

of how consensual monogamous

15:56

relationships could work. Maybe

15:59

Einstein would have found. better rules and boundaries

16:01

to put in place, making the structure

16:03

benefit all parties involved and

16:05

not just himself. Discussions

16:08

around love, romance, sexuality are becoming

16:11

more prevalent today and there's this increasing

16:13

awareness that alternative relationship

16:16

dynamics can benefit some

16:18

relationships.

16:20

Many of us by now will have been exposed

16:22

to some form of these alternative

16:24

arrangements, whether these are open relationships

16:27

or polyamory.

16:28

Maybe we've heard about them in the media,

16:31

maybe we know someone who's tried them, maybe

16:34

we've even tried them ourselves. But

16:36

these non-traditional arrangements

16:39

are without a doubt becoming far more

16:41

mainstream today.

16:43

And I think this cultural shift really

16:46

started when one

16:49

statistic blew us all away.

16:52

And that was the statistic

16:54

that half of all marriages

16:57

end in divorce. I remember

16:59

hearing this statistic back when I was

17:02

probably in primary school or middle school

17:06

and it really shook a lot of people.

17:09

For my parents' generation, it was

17:11

a bit of a comfort. It was a sign

17:14

that it's actually acceptable for an unhappy

17:16

marriage to come to an end. Whereas

17:19

I think from my generation growing up hearing

17:21

that it came as a shock, those

17:24

Disney conceptions of the happily

17:26

ever after were suddenly slapped

17:28

in the face.

17:30

The guys and rose-colored goggles

17:33

have come off. We're now

17:35

looking around at every marriage in our life

17:37

and questioning the happiness behind

17:40

them.

17:41

And while this realization could have been shocking,

17:44

freeing, painful, I think

17:46

a lot of us are grateful for it

17:49

because it's kind of forced us to be more realistic

17:51

in our expectations about relationships.

17:55

It's asked us to look to what makes us

17:57

happy for now rather than 20 years.

17:59

in the future. I wonder what would have

18:02

happened if these expectations

18:04

were around in Einstein's time.

18:08

And maybe if a man of such great

18:11

intellect of Einstein is saying

18:13

that we should throw these ideas of

18:15

monogamy to the window, we

18:17

should listen to them. He is considered

18:20

one of the greatest thinkers

18:22

of all time. And

18:25

some other scholars and thinkers today

18:28

have backed up his views. There's

18:32

a fantastic TEDx talk by

18:35

an American psychologist called David

18:37

M. Bush, and he's argued that humans,

18:40

particularly men, have a biological

18:42

disposition towards non-monogamy.

18:45

In his 2018 talk,

18:48

he cites studies that suggest that 40 to 50

18:51

percent of men engage in extramarital

18:53

affairs at some point during

18:56

their marriage compared to 20 to 30

18:58

percent of women. Men

19:00

are primarily, he says, motivated

19:03

by a sexual variety when it comes

19:05

to infidelity. When

19:07

presented with the opportunity to have sex,

19:09

basically, it seems illogical

19:12

to their bodies to decline. On

19:15

the other hand, marital happiness

19:17

typically had little bearing on

19:19

his decision to cheat. It

19:21

was very much a penis-based decision.

19:24

You look hot. Let's go.

19:27

This wasn't quite so with women. They were

19:29

a lot more head first

19:32

vagina later. Low

19:34

marital satisfaction for women was

19:37

quoted as the main reason why they

19:39

chose to have an affair. For

19:41

women, having what they called

19:43

a backup plan is

19:46

in case the first partner didn't kind of work out,

19:48

was more important than the opportunity

19:51

for extramarital sex. This

19:53

could also be because women tend

19:56

to find opportunities for sex a lot

19:58

easier than some men.

19:59

But while this was the opinion of

20:02

David M. Buss, it's not necessarily

20:05

the opinion of all scholars in

20:07

the field.

20:09

There's another American psychologist

20:11

called John Gottman, and

20:13

he believes he can predict with 90% accuracy

20:17

whether or not newlyweds are going

20:19

to get a divorce within 5 minutes of

20:22

talking to them. Unlike

20:25

Mr. David M. Buss, he doesn't

20:27

look to biological factors. He

20:30

believes that divorce and happiness in a relationship

20:33

is all to do with communication.

20:37

And the telltale signs of divorce

20:39

are pretty straightforward, so much

20:42

so that many of us have likely become desensitized

20:45

towards them. Now he believes that

20:47

the signs of divorce all came down

20:49

to what he called negative communication

20:52

patterns. This basically means

20:54

that conflict started with, as

20:57

he says, harsh startups,

20:59

such as criticism, contempt,

21:02

and defensiveness.

21:03

If these communication patterns,

21:06

when it came to discussing issues with your

21:08

partner, were left unaddressed, Gottman

21:11

basically argued that these patterns

21:13

were a sure sign that the marriage

21:15

would

21:16

break down within a couple of years.

21:20

But I really believe that this approach can

21:22

be applied to all relationship

21:25

structures, and that this increase

21:27

in prevalence of alternative relationship

21:30

structures, which generally emphasize

21:32

communication, may be the reason

21:35

that there's been a bit of a positive change

21:37

in relationship patterns across the

21:39

board. Over the last decade,

21:41

we have witnessed a significant

21:44

shift in the way that we talk about sex and

21:46

relationships. For instance,

21:48

searches on Google terms surrounding

21:50

open relationship have seen

21:53

an unprecedented surge.

21:56

And I think this has a lot of people panicking.

21:59

the death of the traditional family? Are

22:02

we just a sex-crazed society

22:04

that just wants to fuck everyone

22:06

in hashtag free love? But

22:08

I think the thing to remember when we look back

22:11

to people like Albert Einstein is

22:13

that affairs have always

22:16

happened. We just

22:18

didn't really speak about them. There

22:21

is something a lot more empathetic

22:24

and harmonious about discussing

22:26

our needs and desires with a partner

22:29

in a way that doesn't

22:29

end up with people getting

22:32

hurt.

22:33

You know, especially if we go back to something like the

22:35

Regency era, it was so expected

22:38

that men would be fucking around

22:41

that they were able to hire out

22:44

apartments and brothel rooms

22:46

for their mistresses while their wife

22:48

remained at home. Now,

22:50

while this was something that was practiced

22:53

and generally accepted above the board,

22:56

it's just not something that you would speak about.

22:58

That's what we're doing differently

23:01

today.

23:01

We are talking about it and we

23:03

are finding ways to incorporate

23:05

these practices and desires into

23:08

our relationships.

23:11

The difference is now we're not just making assumptions

23:14

about what we expect out of our relationship.

23:16

We're talking about it and setting those boundaries

23:19

ourselves. And this really

23:21

needed to happen. For instance,

23:24

in one recent study of the Australian

23:26

population, it found that 96%

23:30

of people expected exclusivity

23:32

from their partners.

23:34

However, only 48% of

23:36

men and 64% of women

23:39

had actually discussed and agreed

23:41

upon this expectation.

23:44

One other statistic that we've come up with is

23:46

that people today are becoming less

23:48

tolerant of cheating. Cheating

23:51

is seen as more of an unforgivable

23:54

crime today than it was 10 years ago and 20 years

23:56

ago.

23:58

Cheating becomes more

24:01

prevalent when individuals

24:03

feel very confined by this idea

24:06

of monogamy and it's the only

24:08

option, it's the expectation of a relationship.

24:11

However, with a plethora of

24:13

different alternative choices out

24:16

there, there's more opportunities for

24:18

dialogue.

24:19

Cheating therefore becomes unjustifiable.

24:25

There's something very important that distinguishes

24:27

cheating from polyamory and

24:30

that's consent and communication.

24:34

Something which it doesn't seem like Einstein

24:36

practiced very well. But

24:39

there are plenty of examples throughout

24:42

history of polyamory

24:44

being the more accepted choice for relationship

24:46

structures, far more than monogamy.

24:50

Now of course I'm going to do it. I haven't done this in this

24:52

whole podcast, but we have to go

24:54

back to the ancient world.

24:58

When we have a look at the ancient world, there are so

25:00

many examples of multiple

25:03

marriages at the same time being the most

25:05

common thing. Though a lot of the time

25:07

this was related to men of higher

25:09

social status. In

25:12

ancient Greece, for example, especially

25:14

for the upper classes, it was considered

25:16

a sign of great wealth and

25:18

status to be able to have many

25:21

sexual partners at once, including

25:23

wives, concubines, and male

25:26

lovers. Homosexual relationships

25:28

were of course wildly accepted and celebrated,

25:30

with pedistry which involved

25:33

a younger man, a sexual relationship of a younger

25:35

man being seen as the ideal

25:37

relationship. Polyamory

25:40

was also wildly practiced in ancient Rome

25:42

and this became known as concubinage.

25:45

This involved keeping a second wife with

25:48

fewer legal rights than the primary

25:50

wife

25:50

and it was pretty much quite

25:52

common. Similar practices to that have

25:54

also been seen in ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia,

25:57

and China where the emperors took multiple

25:59

lives.

25:59

wives. One story from ancient Rome

26:02

that I personally love is that men

26:04

didn't necessarily get to have all of

26:06

the fun. See, there was

26:08

two different forms of marriage in

26:10

ancient Rome. In one form of

26:12

marriage, the wife became

26:15

the property of her husband. She

26:17

became seen as subservient to

26:19

him. Whereas in the second

26:21

form of marriage, the woman retained

26:24

her independence. But

26:26

this came with the condition that

26:29

once a year

26:29

she had to prove this

26:32

independence by spending three nights

26:35

outside of the marital bed. Now,

26:38

this period of time was very much a

26:41

anything goes situation.

26:44

In some reports, we can see that wives

26:46

would try and take the three days

26:48

off at the same time as

26:51

other wives so that the women kind

26:53

of went away for a lost weekend

26:56

where they were considered single and

26:58

independent

26:59

to be a fly on a

27:02

wall during that girl's trip.

27:07

But examples of polyamory are far from

27:09

limited to the ancient world and can

27:11

be seen well into the 19th

27:13

century, particularly in religious

27:16

communities. It's actually

27:18

from one such community that we

27:20

get the term free love.

27:24

This was the one eda community

27:26

founded in upstate New York in 1848 by

27:28

John Humphrey.

27:33

He is credited with coining

27:35

this term. Now, this religious

27:38

community was very

27:40

interesting to say the least. They

27:43

practiced this idea they called

27:45

complex marriages in

27:47

which sex was allowed and

27:50

encouraged between all consenting

27:52

adults. Consenting, of course, being the

27:54

active term here.

27:59

One quote that I've got here from John

28:02

Humphrey where he kind of explains this idea.

28:05

Complex marriage meant that everyone in

28:07

the community was married to everyone

28:10

else. All men and women were

28:12

expected to have sexual relations, and

28:15

they did. The basis for complex

28:17

marriage was the Pauline passage about

28:19

there being no marriage in heaven, which

28:22

meant that there should be no marriage on earth,

28:25

but that no marriage did not mean

28:27

no sex.

28:33

It's really around the 1950s

28:35

when we're dealing with

28:37

the destruction of war and everything

28:40

that did to families, that we create

28:42

this idea of the nuclear family, which

28:45

is man, woman, children,

28:47

and nothing outside. One

28:49

of the reasons that this was so heavily advertised

28:52

was because there were so many

28:54

extramarital affairs that took place

28:56

during the war time for very

28:59

understandable reasons. But

29:01

a number of extramarital affairs means

29:03

a number of children also born out

29:06

of wedlock. And when

29:07

life returned to what they wanted

29:10

to be normal, something

29:12

had to put a stop to this.

29:14

And so we can see very,

29:16

very clearly in advertisement

29:18

in Europe and America, especially in

29:20

the 1950s, a stress

29:22

on this idea of the nuclear family,

29:26

something that Einstein would

29:28

have been rolling over in his

29:30

grave about. Now,

29:32

Einstein only passed away in 1955, so he lived to

29:34

see all of this time emerge. And

29:41

I think it's kind of

29:42

interesting and understandable

29:45

that a man who's developed such passionate

29:47

ideas against monogamy,

29:50

who never felt that it was right

29:53

for him to be held down in one relationship

29:56

would then create quite

29:58

passionate fervent.

29:59

letters against monogamy

30:02

when he saw it so heavily advertised

30:04

in his world.

30:08

I would like to think that Einstein,

30:10

if he had his time again today, may have

30:13

done things a little better.

30:16

Consensual non-monogamy means the

30:19

agreement of all parties involved.

30:22

It means a discussion of what your boundaries

30:25

are and a constant negotiation

30:27

if you want to see those boundaries changing.

30:30

And for some people, that experience

30:33

can be incredibly freeing.

30:36

Over the past few years,

30:38

as these alternative relationship

30:40

structures have really become more mainstream,

30:43

I've seen a lot of people in my own circle

30:46

start to adopt, experiment, and

30:48

enter into them. And

30:51

to be honest, it has been wonderful

30:54

to see the new happiness

30:56

and trust that this has

30:58

helped them to establish in their long-term

31:01

relationships and their marriages.

31:03

Open relationships can be

31:06

incredibly fulfilling and

31:08

freeing. Of course, this isn't the case

31:10

for some people. If you're

31:13

like me and just tied down in a very

31:16

happy, monogamous relationship,

31:18

which I shouldn't resent, but I feel like I should

31:21

be more sexually liberated as

31:23

someone who hosts kinky

31:25

history. But for me,

31:27

open relationships

31:30

are just not something that works. I've

31:32

tried them,

31:33

but some people just find themselves really

31:35

quite happy with one person.

31:38

The point that is important

31:40

is that I know that if that desire was ever

31:43

to change for either myself or

31:45

my partner, I know that

31:47

there is communication and a conversation

31:50

to be had.

31:51

And I think that that is a practice that we really

31:54

need to encourage in all relationships

31:56

across the board. So we

31:58

don't end up like Einstein. Einstein's wives

32:01

left in the dark. And

32:03

while Einstein remained unfaithful to both

32:06

wives, it's perhaps quite impressive

32:08

that he remained faithful to his theory

32:11

of infidelity. Einstein

32:14

is clearly proof that you don't need to be gravity

32:16

to be pulling. And

32:20

if you're feeling a little magnetic attraction

32:22

towards me, remember that you can find

32:24

me on Instagram, TikTok and

32:26

YouTube. And this week I

32:28

would be very interested to hear

32:31

your own opinions on Albert Einstein,

32:33

Polly Amory and monogamy. I

32:36

will be putting a question box up on Instagram

32:38

and I would love to hear your thoughts on

32:40

this episode. Otherwise,

32:43

remember that time is relative

32:45

and it won't be long until you can hear me again

32:48

next time on Kinky History.