4:00

Like I couldn't physically, I

4:02

was having a very physical response to

4:05

needing to release whatever

4:08

that is that builds up in my brain. Veronica

4:11

doesn't just find her constant

4:13

horniness distracting and physically consuming.

4:16

It can be awkward. I

4:19

have to rein it in or I end up

4:21

just sort of going glassy-eyed in the middle of

4:23

a conversation with someone else that's about, you know,

4:26

building materials or something completely separate to sex.

4:29

Or what's happened before is I have ended up coming

4:31

out with something in real life

4:33

that's extremely inappropriate because my brain has

4:35

gone off on a tangent

4:37

that is obviously not happening in real life. So

4:41

you say something out loud. Yeah.

4:44

Or I'll make an innuendo or

4:46

a dirty joke or something because that's

4:48

the mode my brain is in. When

4:51

obviously that's a very inappropriate thing to be

4:53

saying to someone that I'm hiring to put

4:55

jip rock on my walls. When

5:03

it comes to understanding female desire, there's

5:05

definitely one expert to have on your

5:07

speed dial. New York

5:09

Times bestselling author and expert on women's

5:12

sexual wellbeing, Emily Nagoski. Hello. We had

5:14

a late night emergency Zoom call with

5:16

Emily to try to get to the

5:18

bottom of what's going on in our

5:21

bodies and our brains when it comes

5:23

to horniness. First

5:26

up in our lesson was revision on the

5:28

dual model of sexual desire to get a

5:30

grip on where our horniness springs from. As

5:34

the name suggests, the theory

5:36

is two-pronged. The first part

5:38

is the sexual excitation system or

5:40

the gas pedal. It notices

5:43

all the sex-related information in the

5:45

environment. That's everything you see, hear,

5:48

smell, touch, or taste. It

5:51

notices all your internal bodily sensations

5:54

and it notices everything you think,

5:56

believe, or imagine. Anything

5:58

that it codes as being sexual. sex-related, and

6:00

it sends that turn-on signal that many of

6:03

us are familiar with. Right, yes,

6:05

the spark in the underpants feeling.

6:07

So, Emily, what's the flip side

6:09

of this accelerator? Fortunately, you also

6:11

have that second part, which is

6:13

the brakes. Then notice all

6:15

the good reasons not to be turned

6:17

on right now, which is all the

6:20

same senses. Everything you

6:22

think, believe, or imagine that your

6:24

brain codes as a potential threat,

6:27

and it sends the turn-off signal.

6:30

So the process of becoming aroused

6:32

is this dual process of turning

6:34

on the ons and turning off

6:36

the offs. What

6:39

Emily is saying here is that in

6:41

order to get the vehicle moving toward

6:43

pleasure and orgasm, your sexual accelerator has

6:46

to be on. And

6:48

things that turn you off have to be

6:50

quietened or not exist in the room. We

6:53

all have different things that will turn us on and

6:55

off. It's not just what's

6:57

going on internally that comes into play

6:59

when it comes to sexual response. It's

7:03

also about the messages we've been

7:05

absorbing since birth from our cultures

7:07

about how we should be responding.

7:11

It is always the interaction of

7:14

whatever is innate in us and what

7:17

our culture taught us. So even if

7:19

a woman has a really sensitive accelerator

7:21

and a really not sensitive brake, if

7:24

she has been trained her whole life

7:26

to feel ashamed of how interested she

7:29

is in sex, even if her

7:31

brakes aren't that strong, it's going to keep her brakes on

7:33

a whole lot and interfere

7:35

with things. So there's always going to

7:37

be an interaction between the innate sort

7:39

of sexual personality

7:42

and what that person was

7:44

taught about the meaning of who

7:46

they are as a sexual person. These

7:49

messages that we receive are in

7:51

wild conflict with each other. Be

7:53

sexy, but don't want sex too

7:55

much or too overtly. Sure,

7:57

embrace your agency, but know that it can

7:59

be. taken away at any time. There's

8:02

a very long historical

8:06

underpinning for these complicated and

8:08

contradictory messages about women's sexuality

8:10

grounded in the historical reality

8:13

that women's bodies were the

8:15

properties first of their fathers

8:17

and then of the men

8:19

who, you know, purchased them

8:22

from the father. And

8:24

even now, let's be honest, we are

8:27

expected to accept many sexual behaviours without

8:29

really ever being asked whether we're into

8:31

them or not. So

8:33

let's get to what goes on for

8:35

women who are dead set horn dogs.

8:38

There's got to be a downside, right? I

8:41

mean, apart from saying weird things and getting

8:43

glassy-eyed while talking Jip Rock? Women

8:47

with low sensitivity breaks

8:49

tend to be the ones who

8:51

engage in higher risk behaviours because

8:53

they don't have a powerful break

8:55

preventing them from engaging in behaviours

8:58

that they know intellectually have a

9:00

higher risk of unwanted consequences. I

9:04

have a lot of shame about things I've done in the past.

9:07

This is Veronica again. I

9:11

think one of my biggest moments of shame is

9:13

when I've not been as safe

9:15

as I could be, either sort

9:17

of in where I'm having sex

9:19

and also not properly using contraceptives,

9:21

which has resulted in me falling

9:23

pregnant when I was 17, which

9:25

was really hard. Not

9:29

that I have any shame about being pregnant at a

9:31

young age or the decisions I made following that, but

9:34

I should have made decisions that haven't put me in

9:36

that position in the first place. In

9:39

the past, Veronica's voracious need

9:42

for sex, her horn, dragged

9:44

her vulva first into some

9:46

very bad choices. I

9:49

have ended up making some terrible mistakes

9:51

with other people and hurting people, hurting

9:53

my friends because of things I've done,

9:55

and also losing friendships because my friends

9:57

are just sick of hearing about it.

10:00

You know, I did have one point a friend of

10:02

mine stopped inviting me to parties because the first thing

10:04

I do is turn up and Scour

10:06

the room for the person I could most

10:08

likely sleep with Which

10:11

is you know, not a good friend

10:14

No one wants to be that

10:16

friend, but Veronica often finds that

10:18

horniness just overwhelms her I'm

10:20

assuming other people can just sort of switch it

10:22

off or not be bothered by sex sometimes That's

10:25

just not in my world And so I

10:27

can't comprehend how that feels for the people and I

10:29

can't expect other people to comprehend how that feels for

10:31

me either Veronica it sounds like

10:34

you feel very alone in this experience

10:36

of high sex drive So

10:38

the beginning of relationship especially with men they

10:40

all go. Yeah, it's fine. I can totally

10:42

keep up with you. That's cool I can

10:44

go like a Juris el bunny or whatever

10:46

but then give it two months and

10:48

they've had enough. I Mean there

10:51

has been a few cases where I've actually injured

10:53

people without meaning to I

10:55

didn't even know you could break a banjo string until I was

10:57

in my 20s, but apparently that is a thing Can

11:00

you explain what you just said? So

11:03

the tiny little bit of skin between

11:05

the head of the penis and the shaft there's a

11:07

little Tight bit of flesh

11:10

there and you can snap that

11:19

So was it just too much friction on it I Think

11:23

so maybe overuse I'll just go again and

11:25

again and again When

11:31

Veronica became pregnant with her now

11:33

son for the first time since

11:35

puberty the thought of sex repulsed

11:38

her It

11:40

was like the horny raging in

11:42

her brain. Finally went quiet. I

11:46

Could have happily been celibate for the rest

11:48

of my life and the idea of anyone

11:51

else touching me felt Disgusting.

11:54

I don't want to go anywhere near anyone in that

11:56

context at all and that didn't

11:58

stop until about