Episode Transcript
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heading to the airport. From
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30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, Please
2:00
enjoy this podcast edition of Late Night with Seth
2:03
Meyers. On today's show, Seth talks
2:05
to actor Jesse Plemons. But
2:07
first, a closer look. Donald
2:17
Trump and Fox News have settled on
2:19
an interesting strategy for next week's presidential
2:21
debate. They're admitting Trump will probably lose,
2:24
but claiming it's because Joe Biden will be on drugs.
2:26
For more on this, it's time for a closer look.
2:33
The race is very close right now,
2:35
but Joe Biden just got some much-needed
2:37
good news about his poll numbers and
2:39
from Fox News of all places. A
2:41
new Fox News poll shows President Biden
2:43
leading the former president by two points
2:45
in a head-to-head matchup. 50%
2:48
of respondents said they would vote for Biden.
2:50
It's his best showing yet this election cycle.
2:52
And the first time he's been ahead
2:54
of Trump in our poll since October
2:56
of last year. Wow, Fox News says
2:59
Joe Biden is back in the lead.
3:01
Biden headquarters must be celebrating. We're ahead
3:03
of the polls. Let's boogie, Joe. That's
3:05
what it's supposed to be. Guys,
3:08
or not, or not, or not.
3:12
So Biden is ahead of Trump for the
3:14
first time since October, but only by two
3:16
points, and it's within the margin of error.
3:18
I'm sorry, but how is it only two
3:20
points? I mean, I know it's futile to
3:22
ask, and I should just accept the feeling
3:24
of being dead inside amid the whirlwind of
3:27
lies and chaos and degradation of our institutions
3:29
and whatever the hell this is. Oh!
3:33
Oh! Oh! See,
3:37
how is it only two points? The
3:40
guy staged a month-long coup attempt and violent
3:43
insurrection, got impeached twice, bungled the deadly pandemic
3:45
so badly the nation's top scientists tried to
3:47
hide their faces, tried to take healthcare away
3:49
from 20 million Americans, called the CEO of
3:52
Apple Tim Apple, said he would use his
3:54
presidency to get revenge on his enemies and
3:56
be a dictator in day one through paper
3:58
towels and hurricane victims. to face
4:00
the weather map, asked his audience if they'd
4:03
rather die by shark bite or electrocution, just
4:05
got convicted of 34 felony counts for
4:07
paying hush money during a presidential campaign to a porn
4:09
star who testified in court that she spanked him with
4:12
a magazine with his face on it and
4:14
that he was wearing, and I quote, silk
4:16
or satin pajamas. All
4:18
else is sat... He should be losing because he's a
4:21
huge dork. Silk
4:23
pajamas. Who are you, Lauren Bacall?
4:26
Silk pajamas are what a 17-year-old
4:28
wears to an after-prom party at
4:31
a lake house thinking he's about to get
4:33
laid. Hello, ladies.
4:35
Anyone need a handkerchief from
4:37
my breast pocket? Yes,
4:40
it's paper, and yes, it has
4:42
Spider-Man on it. But
4:45
this is a testament to how radically our
4:47
politics have changed. It used to be that
4:49
anyone with a fraction of Trump's moral and
4:52
legal transgressions would be shunned by their own
4:54
party. Nixon resigned in part because Republicans told
4:56
him to step down, but now Trump has
4:58
an entire right-wing media apparatus and an army
5:01
of lackeys in the GOP devoted to him.
5:03
They even dress like him. I mean, look
5:05
at this. This looks like a
5:07
community theater production of Jersey Boys. They
5:10
look like servers at a MAGA-themed restaurant getting
5:12
the specials from the head waiter at the
5:14
beginning of the shift. Tonight,
5:16
we have an overcooked steak with ketchup. We
5:19
got a glass of disinfectant to cure COVID.
5:21
And tonight, the Big Macs come in servings
5:23
of one, two, or table. In
5:26
fact, they're such loyal toadies. They're
5:29
now claiming that, actually, despite Trump saying
5:31
he'll be a dictator on day one,
5:33
Joe Biden is the one who's acting
5:35
like a tyrant. Under Joe Biden, we're
5:37
actually living under a dictatorship today. That's
5:39
North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum. Doug Burgum,
5:41
as we've said before, is also the
5:43
curse word farmers say when living under
5:45
a dictatorship. He's taking away my gas
5:47
grill, Doug Burgum. Let's
5:52
hear Burgum's reasoning for this
5:55
insane claim that Biden is
5:57
supposedly the real dictator. He's
5:59
bypassing Congress. on immigration policy.
6:01
He's bypassing Congress on protecting
6:03
our border. He's bypassing Congress
6:07
on student loan forgiveness. He means defying the
6:09
Supreme Court. I mean, those are the things
6:11
that authoritarians and dictators do, is they don't
6:13
follow our democratic processes, and
6:15
they just assert their own liberal view,
6:18
and that's what the Biden administration is
6:21
doing. Yes, of course, those famously liberal
6:23
dictators. Who can forget when Benito Mussolini
6:25
threatened to forgive everyone's student loans? With
6:29
the now-famous words, that's too
6:31
much money for a communications
6:33
degree. Of
6:39
course, this is laughable to anyone
6:41
with normal human eyes and ears who pays
6:43
attention to politics, but in the hall of
6:45
mirrors that is Fox News, they have to
6:47
turn off their brains and pretend that Trump
6:50
isn't the one he tried to overthrow in
6:52
election and said he'd be a dictator in
6:54
day one. These are also the same people
6:56
claiming that despite Trump's erratic and unhinged behavior,
6:59
it's Biden who will probably be on drugs
7:01
at next week's debate. The only event where
7:03
Biden didn't totally, completely, and utterly humiliate himself,
7:06
that was the State of the Union, where
7:08
he appeared, as I said, immediately
7:10
thereafter, jacked up. I called him
7:12
jacked-up Joe. I don't know.
7:14
Hypercaffeinated Joe, whatever Joe. Call him whatever
7:16
you want. By the way, I'll
7:19
bet any amount of money, I'd say better
7:21
than 50-50 odds, that
7:23
we'll see that Joe with the debate. Now, I
7:25
don't know if he had a lot of Red
7:27
Bull. I don't know if he had a cedron
7:29
that has caffeine in it. I don't know if
7:31
he had a caffeine pill or something, whatever. I
7:33
don't know. If you don't know, why are
7:36
you talking about it? Fox
7:38
News is the only channel that will
7:40
lie to you and admit it
7:42
at the same time. Just a reminder, before we go
7:45
to commercial, we don't know what the f*** we're talking
7:47
about. I
7:49
know you're not a journalist, but you are
7:51
on TV. You should have a slightly higher
7:53
bar for fact-checking, even the f***ing cash cab
7:55
had to make sure their answers were right.
7:59
Also, I'm sorry, you think... Biden's the one who's
8:01
jacked up on caffeine pills and
8:03
not this guy? Six... toilets
8:08
and showers. One time, two
8:11
times, five times, 10 times. 10 times.
8:14
Four, five, six, seven,
8:16
eight, nine, 10. He
8:19
asked Russia to go get
8:21
the E-Mass. We have to win
8:23
in November, or
8:26
we're not gonna have Pennsylvania. So, wait
8:28
a minute. Mike Lindell, please stand up.
8:30
How do you get to Europe? We
8:33
haven't figured that one out yet. We
8:35
don't use airplanes. WikiLeaks. I love WikiLeaks.
8:37
Ding. Boom. This is me. I hear.
8:40
Bing. Bing, bing. Bong, bong, bing, bing,
8:42
bing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
8:44
Psh-ing, boom. Rar-ar-ar. No,
8:47
get those lights off! Off!
8:50
Turn them off. They're too... They're too
8:53
bright. Turn them off! Saudi Arabia
8:55
and Russia. We'll repeat
8:57
your... He
9:00
sounds like he just walked out of the bathroom
9:02
at Studio 54 while they were
9:04
closing up. Whoa! Turn those lights off! I
9:07
love you guys. Ah! Mike Lindell. Bing, bong, bing,
9:10
bing, bing, bing. Kennedy
9:12
also did a weird impression of a supposedly drugged-up
9:14
Biden. The Joe Biden that we're talking about tonight,
9:16
I don't think will be the Joe Biden we're
9:18
gonna see on debate night. I think the Joe
9:20
Biden we see on debate night is gonna be
9:22
the guy that we saw at the State of
9:24
the Union. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
9:26
blah, blah, blah. He's gonna be all hyped up.
9:29
That's your impression to Joe Biden. That sounds like
9:31
an exact quote from Donald Trump. Seriously,
9:34
I think he said the exact same thing.
9:36
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
9:39
blah. We'll repeat your... In
9:42
fairness, he probably... He
9:46
probably just saw that on an
9:48
inspirational poster. Kennedy
9:52
also has a new nickname. He's really trying to
9:54
get going for Biden, but it doesn't sound as
9:56
damning as he thinks it does. Tonight, America saw...
10:00
Let's say a very different Joe
10:02
Biden. I might call him Jacked
10:04
Up Joe. Jacked Up Joe screaming
10:07
lie after lie. Jacked Up Joe,
10:10
perhaps overcompensated. Very angry,
10:12
very jacked up, you
10:14
might say. This angry Jacked
10:16
Up Joe Biden. Let's get your overall reaction
10:19
to Jacked Up Joe. Jacked Up Joe. Jacked
10:21
Up Joe. Jacked Up Joe. I think we'll
10:23
see the return of Jacked Up Joe. Only
10:25
question is will it be Jacked Up Joe
10:27
or the regular Joe? That's when we saw
10:30
Jacked Up Joe. Jacked Up Joe. Jacked
10:32
Up Joe. Jacked Up Joe. Jacked Up
10:34
Joe. Jacked Up Joe. Jacked Up Joe.
10:36
Sounds awesome. Jacked Up Joe sounds like
10:39
a professional wrestler. Oh brother, you're gonna
10:41
regret the day you tangled with Jacked
10:43
Up Joe. Tell him Dr. Jill. I'm
10:45
gonna write you a prescription for pain
10:47
meds because you're about to get all
10:50
your bones broken. Well
10:53
my favorite part of Hannity's argument is what comes
10:55
next when he explains why he thinks presidential
10:58
candidates should be drug tested. They do it to
11:00
athletes, they do it to horses in horse
11:02
racing. Why not do it to presidential candidates? I
11:05
mean I guess because they're not athletes
11:07
and they're not horses. Maybe
11:10
should we also make them wear jock straps and eat oats from a big
11:12
old bag? The
11:21
Fox hosts are of course just parroting Trump who's been
11:23
insisting on the campaign trail that Biden should in fact
11:26
be drug tested. I don't know what's going to happen.
11:28
I can say this, if he does
11:30
make it through, which I think he will, you
11:32
know they're going to feed him a lot of stuff and
11:35
we should do a drug test. I'd love to
11:37
do a drug test beforehand. Before the debate in
11:39
two weeks he should take a drug test because
11:41
I'm willing to take one. He's going to be
11:43
so pumped up, he's going to be pumped up.
11:46
You know all that stuff that was missing about a
11:48
month ago from the White House? What
11:52
happened? Somebody didn't pick up hundreds
11:55
of thousands of dollars worth of cocaine. I
11:57
wonder who that could have been. I
12:00
don't know. Actually,
12:02
I think it was Joe. This is the constant
12:04
MAGA contradiction. Biden is a daughtering old man and
12:07
also, I guess, Scarface. And, of course, Biden would
12:09
make a terrible Scarface because he could never just
12:11
scream, say hello to my little friend. He would
12:13
also tell you a long story about him. Say
12:15
hello to my little friend. His name's Tyler. He's
12:17
a little guy. Started
12:20
a local soup kitchen for his community. No lie. He's
12:22
a good kid. He's my little friend. In
12:27
reality, it was Trump's White House
12:29
that had an actual drug scandal with
12:32
a government watchdog finding that the medical
12:34
unit dispensed prescription medications, including controlled
12:36
substances, to ineligible White House staff, and
12:39
later reports finding that Trump White House was
12:41
awash in speed and Xanax. The Trump White
12:43
House was handing out speed and other drugs
12:45
like it was an NFL locker room in
12:47
the 70s. If they gave Trump a blood
12:49
test, the only thing they wouldn't find is
12:51
blood. We have no idea
12:53
which specific drugs he's on because the
12:56
results would just say one of everything.
12:59
The trace will no doubt be incredibly
13:01
close, but as Biden polling improves, Trump's
13:03
toadies are already making excuses for his
13:05
debate performance. They've been insulating themselves from
13:08
reality by committing to increasingly absurd lies. Meanwhile,
13:10
Trump's the one screaming at rallies like
13:12
he put speed in his coffee and
13:14
called it... Jacked up Joe. This
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has been A Closer Look. ...and a closer look. When
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28. Please welcome back to the show our
14:51
friend Jesse Plemons, everybody! Welcome
15:00
back! Thank you. I'm so happy to
15:02
have you here. Glad to be back. Last time we
15:04
saw each other was at a party after the Emmys
15:06
where we were both losers. That's
15:08
right, yeah. But we felt like we found strength
15:11
in one another. We did, and
15:13
there is something somewhat comforting
15:15
about having no question whatsoever that if
15:17
you're going to win or not, just
15:19
knowing... So you went in with zero
15:21
expectations. I knew for
15:23
a fact, but do you
15:26
get this even if you know without
15:28
a doubt? Exactly what you're talking about, and yes. That
15:31
moment right before where they introduce you, there's
15:33
that thought of, oh
15:35
my God, now I really can't win because I
15:37
have no idea what I would say. I
15:40
don't have that feeling. It's just... Yeah,
15:42
you know, it's funny. Today, I knew I was coming back.
15:44
She knew I was coming back, and I was like, ah,
15:46
I should call Granny and see if there's anything
15:48
she wanted to say. And I looked down
15:50
and looked at my phone, and she was like, I
15:52
would like to send a little quick note to Mr.
15:55
Seth Meyers if that's okay with you. So she says,
15:57
just a quick hello from Texas, and to say how
15:59
much I enjoyed... We've
28:00
got Ben Schwartz taking us on a
28:02
whirlwind trip around Disneyland. We'll eat a
28:05
bowl of life-changing pasta with Jimmy O'Yang
28:07
in Tuscany, Italy. And how do you
28:09
feel?
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