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0:41

Hey guys, before we start the show, I

0:44

just want to tell you our live show

0:46

has moved into the main room

0:48

at the Stan Comedy Club. Monday nights,

0:50

8 p.m., big guests,

0:52

big laughs, big

0:55

food, the big room, big

0:57

room. It's huge. It's really a

1:00

big deal. We've been here for a long, long

1:02

time and we love the stand. They're great partners

1:04

and we've been selling out for so long that

1:06

they decided to move us into the main room.

1:08

That means we need you guys to come and

1:10

pack it out every single week. So make sure

1:12

you get those tickets at the stand nyc.com. We

1:14

promise you that we're going to keep on growing

1:16

the show and bringing you big laughs from

1:18

the big room at the stand. You have to

1:21

be there live to get the live experience now.

1:23

So get tickets at the stand nyc.com and be

1:25

a part of the live taping every Monday night

1:27

at 8 p.m. Hey, real quick, let's take a

1:30

moment to thank one of our amazing sponsors over

1:32

here at the Legion of Skanks. And of course,

1:34

it is Yo Kratum, everybody. Yo Kratum, we

1:36

love them here. You can't tell by the audience. They're

1:38

all whacked out on Kratum right now. See,

1:41

hitting everything I say so trippy and

1:44

funny. Yo Kratum, home

1:46

of the $60 Kilo. That price has never

1:48

changed since day one and they are the

1:50

marquee sponsor for Skank Fest every year. They're

1:52

also the sponsor of all things gas digital.

1:54

Support the brand that supports the

1:56

kind of comedy that you guys love the $60 Kilo.

2:00

kilos of anything else in the world? I don't think

2:02

so. And you want to carry the

2:04

briefcase. That's what I would do. Make some kind

2:06

of a trade with it. But they always have

2:08

supported us. So again, if you're in the market

2:10

for Kratum and if you're over 21, check

2:13

out yo kratum.com for the best

2:15

quality tested delivered right to your

2:17

door. Kratum everybody. Yo kratum.com. When

2:33

you hear that bomb blast, get a

2:35

shot glass. Listen to the podcast, it's

2:37

all about your mom's head. Big J

2:39

kills them like O.J. Simpson. A quid.

2:41

If the fingerless blood don't hit, hit

2:43

break quick by that big jig, J.

2:45

Smith. He all up in your rib

2:47

while he talking politics. Don't get bit

2:49

when you battle by that Puerto Rican

2:51

snake. Ignatured form of killers, Legion of

2:53

Skanks. Yeah!

3:04

Yeah, Paco! Yes!

3:06

Are we all loud enough in the room? Turn

3:09

the headphones up a little bit. Everybody, welcome to

3:11

the Legion of Skanks podcast, everybody. We are coming

3:13

to you from the Stan Comedy Club. We

3:15

are down one skank today. Louis

3:18

J Gomez is down in Austin,

3:20

Texas doing Kill Tony. I

3:23

think so. Are we not allowed to say that? Well,

3:25

they're not allowed to say it because they don't

3:27

know who he is. Oh yeah, that's right. Who's

3:30

this guy talking shit? So

3:32

Louis is gone for this week. But of course

3:35

to my right is always Davey Smith. What's up?

3:37

How are we? We

3:40

are sold out downstairs at the stand

3:42

or at least that's what we'll tell

3:44

Louis. Yeah, no, we saved

3:46

that for production. Shh! Louis,

3:49

things go so much better without you. I have chords

3:51

so sold out here, Louis. I know you're listening. He's

3:55

bringing his own personal feed to this. I'm

3:57

Big J. Okempson, of course, sitting to my

3:59

left side. sitting in for the Puerto Rican

4:02

Rattlesnake today, everybody. It is from

4:04

his own special kill box, available right

4:06

now on punchup.live. He's

4:09

going to be performing in Florida this

4:11

weekend somewhere. Port

4:13

Charlotte, Florida, and so many other things I

4:15

know. And why do I know all this?

4:18

Because he's my work husband, everybody. It's the

4:20

great, hilarious Robert Kelly. I'm

4:24

going to say, Paco,

4:27

it was a little too much. No.

4:29

It was a little too crazy. Don't you

4:31

start poisoning his head. I was very excited

4:33

that it wouldn't be loud and obnoxious because

4:35

Lewis isn't here. And

4:38

then it went fucking nuts, and it scared the shit

4:40

out of me. Oh, dude, you want the crowd hyped.

4:42

I mean. Bobby, you have to understand this show has

4:44

been crafted in Luis J. Gomez's image. Yeah. And so

4:47

everybody has to Lewis out. If it scares you a

4:49

little bit, if it's too hyped, then you know they're

4:51

doing their job. And if it's easier for you, if

4:53

you think of it as Paco

4:56

is from Lewis's rib. Is

4:58

that why it's

5:00

crafted in Lewis's image so it's half

5:03

sold? Yeah. We

5:06

try to keep it as Lewis as possible in here, everybody.

5:08

Keep some of these fuckers out. You know what? I'm sorry.

5:10

Fuck it. Do it again, Paco. Give

5:12

him some oof. Y'all make

5:14

some fucking noise right now!

5:18

I take it back. It

5:21

makes me smile immediately. It really does. I mean,

5:23

it scares me. It makes my asshole tighten up,

5:25

but I do like it now. We

5:28

have two amazing guests sitting in with us

5:30

today. First up, everybody. You

5:32

know her lover. She's a regular here on the

5:35

Legion of Skanks family at this point, everyone. She's

5:37

hilarious. You know her from her podcast, Only Fee

5:39

Hands. How about some noise right now for the

5:41

hilarious Karen Fee Hand. Bad bitch,

5:43

bad bitch, bad bitch, bad

5:46

bitch, Karen Fee is a

5:48

bad bitch, bad bitch Taylor

5:50

Thomas and a bad bitch.

5:53

You made the cut. Good walk out of the user,

5:55

Karen. Thank you for being here with us.

5:57

Thanks for having me. My headphones came out.

6:00

out Bobby's headphones came out who's gonna crawl

6:02

into the table right by his dick and fix

6:04

it Oh Paco I knew it'd be

6:06

you cabana boy get down get

6:08

under there you dirty little

6:10

bitch nice little fucking Hawaiian

6:12

bum bum yeah he's like

6:15

the guy who broke up the fall well kid

6:17

in his whole school just a

6:19

little cabana boy coming in he's got a little

6:21

Hawaiian shirt on too I know do you feel a little

6:25

heat coming off his little tiki body our

6:30

second guest joining us today first time on the

6:32

show I believe everybody do you know I'm from

6:34

the golden hour podcast and riffing with Griffin also

6:36

my personal favorite always give a shit a 10

6:38

year old Tom where he is the coach one

6:41

of my favorite fucking shows everybody makes noise for

6:43

the hilarious Eric Griffin in the house Eric

6:55

don't worry we got a guy for that Mickey Mouse organization

6:57

can you hear now

7:02

from here I can't hear out of can you hear me

7:05

okay there we go no I can hear it there it

7:07

is nice there we go thank you very much fix just

7:09

like that thank you it's so funny how much I said

7:11

this to Byron Bowers who's also on 10 year old Tom

7:13

I was a big fan of life and times it's him

7:16

but it is funny I think especially in LA

7:18

like voiceover work happens a lot with stuff like that

7:20

so no one seems ever as excited I'm like dude

7:22

you're on 10 year old Tom and they're like yeah

7:25

they called me in one day and asked me

7:27

to read some no we did that during the

7:29

pandemic was it like I never knew who was

7:31

on the show until we did like the second

7:33

season that we actually went in and I was

7:35

like oh shit you're on this it's so funny

7:37

yeah that was good but they canceled it so

7:39

I know that sucks Brian Skelauro everybody

7:41

came in and told us sadly yeah

7:44

yeah well welcome to the show

7:46

the first time he was on there Brian Skelauro

7:48

is a bunch of characters see this is what

7:50

I'm saying I don't even know any all the people that

7:52

are all watch the show don't just take the check yeah

7:56

when I get a script I just look for my part yeah coach

7:58

coach go there we go I did that in

8:01

Workaholics too, man. You go, wait, this was

8:03

a heist movie? Yeah, yeah. That's why we

8:05

were in a rom-com. Hey, I took the

8:07

script and I tried to deposit it in

8:09

my savings account, and it didn't

8:12

work. So. The

8:14

boys on Workaholics always used to get mad at me, because I would

8:16

never, I would just find Montez lines

8:18

and be like, OK, I got it. You know, come

8:20

in, say something dumb, and leave. You know what I

8:23

mean? It's fucking great. Can you play some of the

8:25

character from the show? It's

8:27

the coach, or is it the me? I was the coach. So

8:29

funny. Well, I thought you were going to ask

8:32

him to do it live. No. It wouldn't

8:34

make sense to anybody. You got to see it in the context. We

8:36

could do it. We could all do voices. I

8:39

mean. You guys came. You're

8:41

here, by the way, on a very good night.

8:43

It's our first episode of Pride Month. I was

8:45

going to say, it's very progressive today. I'm glitched

8:48

up over here. This is exactly what my dick

8:50

looks like. Always

8:52

dripping with cum? Always. And flat. That

8:54

was my nickname in high school, always

8:56

dripping with cum Kelly. Oh,

8:58

ADWC Kelly? Yeah. Wow. How did you do

9:00

that? Ooh, that was fast. That was very

9:02

quick. That was fucking good. You're good at

9:04

letters. You think it's the first

9:07

time I've had to make a, what do you

9:09

call it? Acronym. Acronym. You're fucking always dripping with

9:11

cum. How did you get, you got the letters

9:13

that quick and struggled for acronym for that long?

9:15

Jay goes from smartest guy in the room to

9:17

dumbest guy in the room in five seconds. Just

9:20

let me keep talking. I'll eventually

9:22

bury myself. Dude, if you were just like

9:24

Jay's life manager,

9:27

there was a moment when he spelled that

9:29

out so quickly, you would have went walk

9:31

off, bro. Walk off. That's

9:33

it. Your final moment, dude. I go,

9:35

I got it. It's

9:38

one of those, uh, Baba do bop, bop, bop,

9:40

bop. Come on. Back to my pseudonyms. I

9:43

already forgot what it is. Oh yeah, acronym. I

9:45

thought, yeah, it's not the first time I've used that. Yeah, we

9:47

actually said that. Always dripping with cum. I

9:49

describe a lot of people like that. This guy's AIDWC.

9:54

Always. So yes, we have a lot of fun

9:56

things planned on the show today. And

10:00

the essence of dealing with Pride Month, should

10:02

we try this, Alex? You said that you

10:04

guys produced something here where there's multiple

10:07

gay flags I was unaware of. I

10:09

was just used to the old rainbow one. I

10:11

thought that meant all this stuff. Butt, mouth, hands.

10:14

I was aware of the gay flag

10:16

and the one with the snake around

10:18

the flag, which is basically a flag

10:22

saying, try to be gay over here. You see

10:24

what happens. Someone should lay that snake. To bring

10:26

that rainbow shit over here. That's the anti-gay flag.

10:29

Right? I'm not going to

10:31

do nothing to you over there if you're being

10:33

gay, but try being gay over here and see

10:35

what happens. Can you be gay inside the snake

10:37

circle? Is it like Gertrude's puzzles? Yeah. Fuck it.

10:40

You guys don't remember Gertrude's. I'm so old.

10:42

That's a great fucking reference if you're over

10:44

40. Fuck you guys. Thank

10:47

you. Fuck you guys and your computers that

10:49

work consistently. What are you guys going to

10:51

play Oregon Trail? Has no one here ever

10:53

died from dysentery? Fuck you guys. I

10:56

love seeing all those, like a pickup truck, like

10:58

skidding over the gay thing on the ground, or

11:00

the guy trying to crawl over the gay flag.

11:02

He doesn't want to step on the gay flag.

11:04

It's like all that stuff is so weird. I

11:06

should have had you plan this, and I show

11:09

it every year. And it's one of my favorite

11:11

things. Can I just tell you, I'm sorry, Jay.

11:13

I want you to throw to this next segment.

11:15

I haven't stopped thinking about a single thought since

11:17

you made that reference, which is that

11:19

I know I could go on my

11:22

computer and just Google play Gertrude's puzzles,

11:24

and I could play that. Yeah. And I haven't

11:27

played that since I was fucking six.

11:29

Yeah. I'm so old. I

11:31

don't even know what the fuck it is. It was. I

11:34

remember Seymour and the Seamoth. It was a years from

11:36

here. Here's where I get it. All right, so like

11:38

20 years after you got out of school, they introduced

11:40

computers. And

11:43

the moving automobile. First of all,

11:46

that's factual. So at

11:48

this point, you could get from town back

11:50

home in a matter of minutes. Color television

11:53

was all the rage. Just

11:55

I feel old because my senior year of high

11:58

school was that last year they had typing. Oh,

12:00

yeah, I took I took typing at high

12:03

school. Yeah, I made a writer typing in

12:05

school. That's crazy I had home ec. I

12:07

made a raggedy and an Andy doll Supposed

12:10

to be handling a home You

12:13

had a so you had to become why is that

12:15

for a ghost I

12:17

was sold You had to be

12:19

cook you had a look at a cook and

12:21

so in the class so you could be a

12:23

woman Yeah, it made you be a lady. Yeah,

12:25

that's our now dicks. I'm here for dicks. That's

12:27

why do you have? I always

12:29

ask to look this up Alex. Do we have

12:32

a thing James when they went to the Pride

12:34

Parade with Lois? Is it possible

12:36

to find it's one of the funniest things? It's one

12:38

of the best videos I've ever seen. It's just It's

12:42

fucking great. When is the Pride Parade?

12:48

Bobby's Bobby's the Grand Marshal this year. It's honorary

12:50

though. You don't have to take it in the

12:52

shit or nothing Well, uh, Justin Silver you still

12:54

hear he said he said he was tailgating right

12:56

there. Are you uh, is that what they call

12:58

it? Call it You

13:02

walk too close to guys but in front of you I

13:04

love it But

13:08

in the meantime Alex, yeah, the Pride Parade is

13:10

actually at the end of June it closes

13:13

off pride month on June 30th Thank God.

13:15

It's the big blowout. If you know what

13:17

I mean get it No, I'm

13:19

saying so June is pride month. I didn't know

13:21

yeah, they get a month now. Wow.

13:24

Yeah Yeah, that's all you soldiers get a

13:26

day You suck dick

13:28

and chug come you get a month If

13:31

you die for this country, who know

13:33

now would I rather go to war

13:36

or suck dick and chug? Who

13:39

deserves more cool? That's like fuck Mary kill which

13:41

one do you want man? You know what? It's

13:43

every man's dilemma, I guess Now

13:47

if you fight for this country and suck cock

13:49

who you still just get a month We don't

13:51

care about the first one the first you're not

13:53

even bumped to the head of the list on

13:55

the gay pride thing Well, tell you the old

13:57

fuck over is it now though you keep used

13:59

to be able to suck cock and that would

14:01

get you out of going to war but now

14:03

you can suck cock and go to war like

14:05

imagine you see that guy deep throat and over

14:07

there get him on the front lines well

14:11

that's what they did with the blacks and simple war right what

14:13

the dicks were so big they sent him out there these

14:18

are dicks as bayonets they scare the

14:20

enemy yeah it's like fucking it was

14:22

the 300 black out the sky with

14:24

their dicks we

14:26

always we always put the thing that we think

14:28

is most likely to make the other army uncomfortable

14:30

the front of the lines I

14:33

don't know throw the trans out there I don't know

14:35

whatever is gonna fuck with them do

14:37

I dare you to shoot honey actually

14:39

a fantastic idea yeah you know we

14:41

just oh man dude listen when we

14:43

were fucking storming Normandy putting black people

14:46

on the front line it was like

14:48

when an Italian puts a hundred around

14:50

his wad of money you know what

14:52

I mean like we're just

14:54

making the thing maybe we got a whole army of black

14:56

people huh you don't know what the fuck's happening to you

14:59

all right sure we only had like

15:01

two waves but whatever he goes up guys they got

15:03

down to the white meat whoop

15:07

they got us down to the white meat guys

15:09

retreat I was like the white walkers in Game

15:12

of Thrones I never watched

15:14

this show never watch Game of Thrones I

15:16

don't enjoy fantasy why don't you enjoy fantasy

15:19

don't know you have

15:21

a rainbow chain on your neck you don't

15:23

enjoy fantasy oh no not that kind of

15:25

fantasy you have highlights I like fantasy sweets

15:28

why do fantasy sweets always have a

15:30

carpeted room with a hot tub in

15:32

it a carpeted room with

15:34

a hot tub is so gross that

15:37

was that's a 70s that's 70s

15:39

carpet carpet and wallpaper were big I

15:41

am I have no idea what the

15:44

fuck you're talking pussies we're talking pussies

15:46

fantasy sweet when you go up to

15:48

like that skills they have fantasy sweets

15:51

back in the day you would bring

15:53

your chick up to the Catskills you

15:55

get a shampoo what year are we

15:58

talking one to three dance 70s? At

16:01

Dirty Dancing it happened. But

16:03

you said it like it's a problem in your life, right? It was.

16:06

Like I'm just saying, are you like often in a

16:09

fantasy suite? No, you look these fucking carpet. You look

16:11

these places up. By the way, one time a girl

16:13

I was dating, her mom, her

16:15

birthday present for her was to get

16:18

me and her daughter one of these

16:20

suites. It's pretty gross. Weird thing to

16:22

do. That girl ended up on heroin. It's a whole thing. Yeah,

16:25

because that's clearly the mom

16:27

saying to you, like, please. Fuck

16:29

my daughter. Fuck my daughter. Absolutely.

16:31

That's what I was saying. But there was one where

16:33

I lived, because there was a feather nest inn and

16:35

some other one, but those are places you can go.

16:38

And they were carpeted. They

16:40

had three porn channels, HBO,

16:43

and like regular network. These were fuck

16:45

hotels. I don't know. You

16:47

don't realize it's gross until after you

16:49

come and you're eating wah wah and

16:51

watching Conan O'Brien from

16:54

a crusty wet carpeted bed. I don't

16:56

know. That's not a woman. That's a

16:58

stuffed pig. What was I doing here

17:00

this whole time? I don't understand. Who's

17:02

still buying hotel porn? Nobody.

17:05

No, no, no. What? I

17:07

like the plot. No, it still doesn't. Does it

17:09

still exist? Yes. When

17:12

you go to some of the channels, I'll see them. I'll

17:14

be like, we're paying for this. There's acting involved. Wait, wait.

17:16

I'm going. There's nothing wrong with

17:18

paying for porn. Here's the crazy thing. I agree.

17:21

That's how she got this purse. Yeah,

17:23

but Karen's defending that in

17:25

the modern sense of the word. No

17:29

one's really attacking paying for porn. We're attacking

17:31

paying for porn in the most fucking geriatric

17:33

way. Yes. I'm just saying. No

17:35

one gets your porn. But at a hotel? Let me

17:37

tell you, when you said who's paying for internet porn

17:39

and then they were like, is there even internet porn?

17:41

You go, yeah, when you're flipping through the channels, I

17:43

went, who the fuck's flipping through the channels anymore? Why

17:45

are you even on the TV? You gotta get yourself

17:47

a laptop. You gotta get yourself a laptop. You gotta

17:49

get yourself a laptop. I have been turned on a

17:51

hotel. You've been a television star. Eric, don't listen to

17:53

these young whippersnappers. I've spent more days

17:56

in hotels than at home this month. Yeah.

17:59

And I have never once turned on. I

18:01

don't think it's you're doing great at all

18:04

of us. I don't do that. I turn

18:06

the TV on I put it on a

18:08

very friendly channel and turn the volume down

18:10

so monsters don't get me when I sleep

18:14

I don't have a better reason to describe As

18:17

someone who was opening for Jay 15

18:20

years ago when we could not afford

18:22

the one hotel we were in shots I never

18:24

slept without the TV on never once seen him

18:26

go to sleep Well, first of all, if you're

18:29

in a hotel like that, you can't get it

18:31

dark anyway So what was happening now? Jay needs

18:33

the TV on really there's always flashing light The

18:36

curtain doesn't close now the Road

18:40

chip clip solves all that problem. We don't need a

18:42

chip clip who Josh had a my or shoot. I

18:44

had a Josh actually I'd admire showed

18:47

me this No That

18:51

was back to back bobby days. Do you

18:53

use a chip clip does well, you don't have

18:55

to do that in every hotel room There's the

18:57

pants hangers I

19:02

taught you a chip clip for you back in the day

19:04

was like what you put on a Doritos back. Yeah That's

19:10

what I would have brought for sure. Hey guys,

19:12

let's take a moment and thank our sponsor

19:14

for today's show Which is zippix Jay remember

19:17

zippix zippix is back. I gotta try zippik.

19:19

That's the sign I think from God as

19:21

zippix is back. I gotta stop dude I

19:24

gotta stop smoking cigarettes and maybe

19:26

zippix is it maybe toothpicks was

19:29

there for me the whole time

19:31

You've always been choosing between smoking

19:33

cigarettes and being razor-ramone. Yeah You

19:36

like to throw a toothpick at strangers and

19:39

call them Chico Well now there's toothpicks with

19:41

nicotine in the toothpick is the move right

19:43

there So you get it in there in

19:46

your system very quick sublingual absorption you guys know

19:48

I was a scientist It gets you that buzz

19:50

much much quicker. Mmm, and it does satiate it

19:53

I'm gonna try them again because they were working

19:55

really good before it does come in six awesome

19:57

flavors You can use it anywhere. You're not

19:59

allowed to vapor sno- You can use these on an airplane.

20:01

It doesn't get in the way at all. There's nothing that's

20:03

gonna get man-of-you for tooth picking. One

20:05

of the things, there's no smell, there's no smoke, no

20:08

hiding cigarette butts, and it costs

20:10

way less than cigarettes. Dave, tell

20:12

them where to go. zippixtoothpix.com and

20:14

use the promo code LOS10. That

20:17

will get you 10% off your

20:20

entire order. zippixtoothpix.com, promo code

20:22

LOS10 for 10% off. Ooh.

20:27

I now also realize the second reason I have the TV

20:29

on, because the TV eventually will go off on its

20:31

own. Right, right, right. And I get out of the shower,

20:34

and a lot of times I set my primping

20:36

priming things kind of in front of the

20:38

TV. Oh, what? What are we

20:41

talking about? Primping priming? Yeah, all my

20:43

doodads and creams and salves and serums.

20:45

You really are just a chubby queen.

20:47

You have to understand, Jay wakes up

20:49

every morning at 5 a.m. as

20:51

a tiny Asian woman. I gotta put my face

20:53

on. It is a whole routine. You shattered the

20:55

whole image right now. I don't put my face

20:57

on. Jay, I

20:59

swear to God, Jay has the same

21:01

regimen as a drag queen. Absolutely,

21:04

dude. And the nose ring? At

21:06

the end I should be putting those kind of eyes. You

21:10

have music on and you're spinning. But all

21:13

my what have yous and sprays and creams are

21:16

out. How many creams do you have? And

21:19

another bad thing I found was I sat on the bed, which is

21:21

kind of right in front of that, to start

21:23

getting ready, naked, you know, in

21:25

a towel, or just naked, and I'm telling

21:27

you, you need that TV on because you

21:29

get a nice reflection of yourself sitting down

21:31

frontwards naked, trying to put a sock on.

21:33

Don't do it. Fuck the world. I

21:36

will leave the TV on also now for that. You're putting a

21:38

sock on to go to bed? No, no,

21:40

no, this is getting out of the nighttime. No, this is getting

21:42

out of the shower. Getting out

21:44

of the shower and getting yourself together. Oh,

21:46

I always say I wasn't in a bed regimen. I'm saying

21:49

when I take a shower, get ready for the show. The

21:51

TV just has to be on constantly. Because now also it

21:53

casts a pretty negative reflection in that widescreen. Ah!

21:57

All right. I see what you're saying. I know

21:59

what you mean. I don't understand why

22:01

they're doing it to you. You look forward

22:03

at the TV's fault. You're

22:06

right, can I just face the real problem here? It's not that

22:08

TV. I don't understand why they have it. It's not that 19.6

22:10

ratio. They have mirrors

22:13

in front of the toilet. I can't stand

22:15

that. Help, Danny, right to hell. You guys

22:17

are listing my favorite things. I

22:19

know, I bet that is. It is funny. Who wants

22:21

to see yourself shit? It is funny to hate mirrors

22:24

and love mirrors. I, yeah, I'm a big lighting guy.

22:26

I've heard Todd Glasses very like this too, also a

22:28

gay man. Uh, another

22:32

I, I light

22:34

my bathrooms. I don't turn on the bathroom

22:36

light. I take a shower. I put

22:39

the light of the phone into the sink and it

22:41

makes a nice little light. J's gay.

22:44

You shower strip club when you're in the, I

22:46

don't want to look down and see all my

22:48

fucking shit. Oh my God. Are you,

22:50

let me ask you this. Are you guys, are

22:52

you guys, are you

22:54

messy in a hotel? Yes. Yeah. I

22:58

don't see you being messy.

23:00

I, I'm shockingly messy. Really?

23:02

I listen, I get it every time I get into a

23:05

hotel, I'm in there for five

23:07

minutes and I look around and I go,

23:09

how the fuck is this such a mess

23:11

already? Like literally I, I,

23:13

my throw my bag on the floor. I opened

23:15

my bag. I grabbed out like the clothes I'm

23:17

going to wear tonight. Cause I'm like, oh, they're

23:20

all folded on the at least hang them. Then

23:22

there's just like shit laying everywhere. I put like

23:24

my computer out. I put like my phone and

23:26

charger out before I had the coffees down on

23:28

the thing. And within five minutes I'm like, this

23:30

one fucking sucks already. What have I done? I

23:32

do. I feel like I do it on purpose. I'm like this

23:34

disrespectfully. Kurt Metzger told me that a long time ago. It's

23:36

like a rental car. You know what I mean? I'm

23:39

going over that bump like, I think it's a personality

23:41

type. It's a chaos. Cause like, uh, Kurt Metzger told

23:43

me a long time ago, he, he goes to his

23:45

room and literally opens three drawers and just

23:47

makes, has the clothes hanging out of them on perks. He's

23:49

like, he likes to be surrounded by his like kind of

23:51

mess and stuff. But this is not the opposite of that.

23:53

I don't like Airbnbs. Cause

23:56

I want to be able to call down, bring

23:58

me towels now. Yeah. coming

24:00

tomorrow yeah start from scratch yes yeah

24:02

I don't let the maid come in

24:05

at all I put the do nots

24:07

disturb for the weekend don't come in

24:09

and then at the end of the

24:12

weekend I actually clean I

24:15

clean it all and then I leave it 20 when you

24:17

say clean clean like you pack up

24:25

your shit you're talking about when you scrub

24:27

the counters I wipe the counters down you

24:29

wipe stuff off I you're a fucking insane

24:31

yeah 20 because of why come I don't

24:36

tip and the whole time I'm like it's not my

24:39

fault you're a hotel maid I don't give a shit

24:41

Jesus Christ make better life choices it rules to be

24:43

it rules to be okay but how about this do

24:45

you do this I take all my cum rags and

24:47

put them in the big towel so

24:51

they don't have to touch that means

24:53

you move the lotion because always the

24:55

last thing I do before I leave

24:57

a hotel is I spit on my dick I'm

25:01

a dry tuck fella

25:04

do that rough that

25:06

rough high but

25:10

I moved the lotion cuz I was feeling the

25:13

maid's gonna come in see the lotion by the

25:15

bed and be like I don't want to get

25:17

lotion in my pee hole it burns I request

25:19

extra lotion and don't use it yeah why is

25:21

it getting in your pee why is it getting

25:23

you're fucking your hand you're fucking your hand yeah

25:25

but you don't have any room you got no

25:27

but you gotta go if you're not going over

25:30

the head are you jerking off you

25:32

have a jerk off with soap and well

25:35

when there's no lotion I get to conditioner

25:37

but Eric but Eric the head work is

25:39

the most important work oh you're a head

25:41

guy I'm a ham of some little thumb

25:44

on top yeah then you

25:46

do right yeah then you pre come a

25:48

little bit and then you use that to

25:50

start lubing yeah and then I throw my

25:52

legs over my head that try to suck

25:54

are we going to commercial because this Do

26:02

you remember? My hotel room, I literally,

26:04

I take, if I

26:06

get under the covers, because it gets cold, I

26:08

pull a corner out and I get in like

26:11

a little burrito. And then when I

26:13

get out in the morning, I just tuck it back in tucks.

26:15

I don't want them to come into my room. I hope I

26:17

have my period so I can mess up the shit. I actually,

26:21

I take, I sleep with one. That's fair, fair.

26:23

I sleep with one butt cheek out in case

26:25

the maid does come in. She can see my

26:27

little tussy sticking out. But

26:31

you hear the maid and you're still, you're preparing. Oh,

26:33

I definitely woke up with morning, when I used to

26:35

have the maids come in, before I do not disturb

26:37

the whole time now. When I used to, if I

26:39

woke up with morning boner, if I was like sideways

26:41

sleeping or something, I would, if they were knocking

26:43

and I didn't want them to come in, or

26:45

if I said no and they kept knocking, I was just

26:47

gonna go, you're gonna see my tent here.

26:50

I lay on my back and so when they come in, they're gonna see

26:52

the, up in the blanket. So

26:54

you're gonna be like, oh my God. Stop being

26:56

so curious, bitch. I trash the room. I

26:58

leave for like 45 minutes and if I

27:00

come back and it's not clean, I go

27:02

downstairs and request the slaves. Yeah, I used

27:04

to do that too. I

27:07

used to do that too very much. You're living in the wrong era. I

27:09

know, I think it depends on the hotel. Like if

27:11

you're at some place and for some reason you're doing

27:14

something, you're out of four seasons or something like that,

27:16

then I want the maid service because they're gonna come

27:18

twice a day. I like that turndown. Oh, they turndown.

27:20

I love a good turndown with like mints on the

27:22

pillow. I don't mind a turndown in a fancy hotel.

27:24

Right, right, right, right, right. Because they have those, they

27:27

get a little, they get a

27:29

little treats. Yeah, here's my problem with that though.

27:32

Why would I still put up too much to stir? Because whether

27:34

I'm at the four seasons or a Super 8,

27:37

I'm smoking weed in that room the entire time. Oh,

27:39

I get it. So, so. Yeah, but the difference between

27:42

a four seasons and like a Super 8. Super 8,

27:44

you're gonna get waffles. True. You

27:47

know, for free. I don't mind a cocktail breakfast.

27:49

Sometimes that's the test, you know, the test. Like

27:51

you want to stay at like a hotel, you

27:53

get, oh breakfast from six to nine. The double,

27:55

the double treat chocolate chip cookies? I'll tell you

27:57

this though. I

28:00

fell asleep at one of my bed and it looked like I shit

28:02

the bed. There's

28:04

maybe nothing more embarrassing that as a

28:06

fat comic getting recognized while you're pouring

28:08

a Dixie cup full of pancake batter

28:10

into a thing. You're

28:13

like, oh, hey, hey, hey, just like

28:15

you guys, right? You're sitting here making

28:17

a fucking a lobby

28:19

waffle. I'm a good lobby waffle man. That's

28:23

my shit right there. I got a lobby waffle. Lobby

28:25

waffle. Let

28:27

me ask you a question. When you

28:30

get to the hotel, do you masturbate

28:32

right away or do you wait till after the

28:34

show? I don't masturbate at all. First thing I

28:36

do is hang up my sweatshirts. Then take

28:39

my pants out and get them over a chair so they're

28:41

not a bunch of crazy. This should be a reality show.

28:43

You at a hotel. Set up my computer where I'm going

28:45

to plug it in, where it's going to go at. Put

28:48

my tummy time pillows out so I can lay on my

28:50

tummy and watch stuff. Set all

28:52

my toiletries up. Put the bathroom stuff

28:54

in the bathroom. Put the other stuff out there. Were

28:56

you molested? Shoes out. I don't think so. What the

28:59

fuck? I think we're using the tummy time pillows in

29:01

different ways, but I have the same thing. It's like

29:03

you're in a gay prison. What are your tummy time

29:05

pillows? I mean, I mean, this thing. Well, he's like

29:07

a Korean woman. You know what I mean? You don't

29:09

use the tube pillow, like the deck of the pillow.

29:12

Hands, what hotel? Some hotels got a nice stiff pillow

29:14

and you only need one. Some of them have pillows

29:16

that are borderline empty. But do you got a solution?

29:18

Would you bring the power strip? Because I bring a

29:20

power strip. No. That's some nerd shit. Wait, why? You

29:22

get a charge away from vibrators? For what? I bring

29:25

a power strip because they never have shit I need.

29:27

And I also bring my Xbox with me when I

29:29

go play some games. But what's going into this power

29:31

strip? How many things do you have to plug in?

29:33

I got my phone. I got the thing from my

29:35

iPad, my computer. I got like, you

29:37

know, I want to have a second one in my

29:40

headphones. And then now you've got the USB-C for the

29:42

iPhone. Then you get the other one for all your

29:44

old stuff. I got to have like fucking three, four

29:46

things. But most hotels have the USB chargers. That shit

29:48

never works. There's a lot of

29:50

the new ones don't fucking work in those,

29:52

which is annoying. But I've

29:54

never had a problem with the amount of outlets in

29:56

a hotel that I even thought a power strip might

29:58

be in my head. enough where I need a power

30:01

strike. Do you work for the CIA? What

30:04

type of workstation do you set up? Where are you trying

30:06

to find a child? He's going to bring an extension cord

30:08

too. Are you trying to find a lost child? Yeah. You

30:10

got three screens up. Alex,

30:13

let's do these flags. There's more than one gay

30:15

flag and they mean they represent different groups, Alex.

30:17

Is that what it is? Yeah,

30:21

and we could go through each one

30:23

or, you know, as many as you guys want and

30:25

try to... Are these like state-level? How many total are

30:27

there? There's 15, I think. I

30:30

don't know if we're going to go through each one. But

30:33

these are like state flags. Like no one cares. It's

30:35

like one per made-up gender. Right? Don't tell

30:37

it to Maryland people, dude. They wear the shit out of that flag. All right.

30:40

This is a flag. Regular. Regular.

30:43

Regular flag. No, there's black at the

30:45

bottom. Oh, so that's

30:47

like painful gay. No,

30:50

this is like... This is old-school gay. That's

30:52

original. That's OG gay. What we have here

30:54

is a regular rainbow flag with black at

30:56

the bottom. I'm gay and I'm

30:58

dating a black dude. Yeah. That's...

31:01

That's parents' worst nightmare flag. Am I right, Alex?

31:04

Yeah, and what do you tell them first, that

31:06

you're gay or that you're dating a black dude?

31:08

Well, if we're going... If we're going top to bottom...

31:10

Dad, I'm gay now. Have a seat.

31:12

Because this is about to get crazy. If

31:15

we're going top to bottom, it feels like gay first.

31:17

And then it feels like his dad's angry. He's less angry.

31:20

He's good. He's fine

31:22

with it. He's down right proud of his boy. And

31:24

then he finds out it was with black guys. But

31:26

that's purple, you fucking asshole. Now that's you being racist,

31:28

Bobby. Wow, Bobby. It's

31:31

eggplant. Oh, are

31:33

they all purple, Bobby? Jesus Christ,

31:35

Bobby. Oh, the Boston shows up,

31:37

doesn't it? Yes. Wow.

31:39

That's like an eggplant. I knew

31:42

it. Uh-huh. I'm just saying that's

31:44

purple. Sure is. Yeah,

31:46

sure, when they're fully erected, it appears that way. But the point

31:49

is, we're trying to be respectful. Because

31:51

there's blood rushing. All right. I

31:53

have to say, Bobby could not be more right. The

31:56

projector is showing it where it's... Thank you. The

31:58

people are all getting it. Right here in

32:00

the room, from my perspective, it's the

32:02

blackest thing that's ever existed. It's Patrick

32:05

Ewing at the bottom of this flag,

32:07

from my perspective. Passenger 57 right there.

32:09

Yeah, I know Bobby's got perfect palette

32:11

eyes. I'm just saying, you colorblind assholes.

32:13

That's perfect. Jay, am I, we might

32:15

be at different angles here, but over

32:17

here, this isn't a colorblind thing. It

32:19

appears as black, oh. Kiss, kiss,

32:22

kiss. Make out, make out, make out, make out, make

32:24

out. Dude, this is our meet queue, where we go.

32:26

I don't actually. Well,

32:28

maybe, maybe, maybe it is black.

32:34

That's Atlantic gay. Is

32:38

it Atlantic gay? That's

32:40

regular OG gay. Yeah, this is like the original

32:42

flag right there. Justin, what was your guess? What

32:44

was your professional opinion? This is

32:46

the OG gay. Oh, OG gay. This

32:48

is the original gay flag. Bang. We did all that

32:50

guessing. When I see it on screen, it is purple.

32:53

When he sees it on the screen. So this is

32:55

the gay, this is the gay. He got the tattoo

32:57

on his bum cheek. That's what he got. OG gay.

32:59

Can you give me some info when you say this

33:01

is OG gay? Like, what year was this the gay

33:03

flag? It was gated in 1977 by Gilbert Baker. So

33:06

in 1977, if you had walked up to this guy,

33:08

he was like, I just made a gay flag. And

33:10

then you were like, well, what about a man who identifies

33:12

as a woman? He'd be like, get out of here, faggot.

33:14

No one does that. What

33:17

the fuck are you talking about, dude? That's

33:19

weird. Stop trying to see women's scholarships. Back

33:22

then, it was just called the gay flag.

33:25

Now you have to like. They were like, oh,

33:27

I love this. I'm a lesbian. You're like, yeah,

33:29

it's not for you, Dyke. I

33:32

said it's the gay flag. What

33:35

the fuck is wrong with you? It

33:37

could be a sandwich you blessed with. What the gays

33:39

took it. Wasn't it for cereal? Yeah.

33:42

Huh? Wasn't it a cereal flag? Oh, Twix,

33:44

I think. No, it wasn't like tricks.

33:46

Tricks. Tricks. Wasn't there a little gay

33:48

flag on there? Lucky Charms. And Lucky

33:50

Charms. Much like the new flag, it's

33:53

just for kids. Nice. What's

33:55

the? Seriously, though, that's wrong. We

33:58

should stop that. Where's

34:00

the next one? Can we see another one? This

34:03

is kind of surprising that they have. Your balls

34:05

are getting cold. Now there's brown. Okay, now we're

34:07

back to our first guest. That is black. This

34:09

is first finding out that you are into ethnic

34:11

people and gay. Yeah, that's like shit gay. This

34:13

is Black Lives Matter gay. Yeah,

34:15

Africa gay. This is black guys

34:17

suck dick too. Well, gay freakin'

34:19

gay Americans. From

34:22

my angle I might be looking at all the

34:24

wrong colors, but this does seem even

34:27

gayer. And

34:29

why is it black, brown, red, brown?

34:33

It's orange. Puerto Rican, red, Indian.

34:36

This is more of a projector issue. Because you got Godfrey, Sherrod,

34:38

and you have... Some

34:42

Russian person we know. Then

34:44

you got Lewis, then you

34:46

got Dave, Jay, me, and

34:49

you. What

34:51

is this one staring at? This makes no sense.

34:54

Why is this so similar to the last one? What

34:58

are we even supposed to be guessing here? I

35:00

don't understand this. Give us the answer. This

35:02

is the Philadelphia Pride flag. There you go.

35:04

There are a lot of blacks and browns

35:06

there. I thought that was just Jay's headshot.

35:10

I liked it. Come on, man. You're from

35:12

Philly and you're gay? Yeah, that's fine. I posed for the

35:14

picture. I

35:17

guess the crowd just wasn't into it. So

35:20

these are always regional? Is

35:22

there one that's completely different? Oh,

35:24

yeah. Hey, guys, if you get it wrong, you got to

35:27

bite one of the cockpopsicles. I'm

35:29

lucky. What

35:31

is that? Is that a donut? That's

35:33

a donut. What's a donut? It's not

35:35

a real dick, guys. Guys, I didn't just bite a

35:37

real dick. That's a whole other... We're gonna be okay.

35:42

Did I get one wrong? Just bite

35:44

the donut. Oh,

35:47

wow. Oh, come on, guys. He's only

35:49

not been fat for a year. I

35:53

feel like I'm watching you relapse. Bobby, I knew

35:55

you had a bottomless throat. Yeah,

35:58

watch a pro. Hey, wait a minute. Do

36:01

we have to pay you 10 bucks for this? What

36:05

the fuck? No, the stream will just cut right

36:07

now with a link to an Onlyfans. I

36:11

gotta say, Bobby gave more of an

36:13

Onlyfans bite than Karen did. Pretty shallow

36:15

mouth there, Karen. Yeah, a little tiny

36:17

Irish mouth. Behind a paywall, stupid. Watch

36:19

this. Yeah, get in there,

36:22

yeah. It's not bad.

36:25

It's a good donut, it's not the best. If Dick

36:27

tasted like this, I'd suck it. Dave,

36:30

eat your pussy, Popsicle. You're not gay, it's fine.

36:34

No, this is more of a dietary thing than

36:36

anything else. Dave can't eat that. Dave's on the

36:38

news. Leave Dave alone. I usually wouldn't say this,

36:40

but needs more chocolate. Wait, Dave, gettin' a pussy?

36:42

Yeah, Dave. This

36:45

is outrageous. He needs

36:47

more chocolate. This is how you treat your gaffi. Dave

36:49

has a... It's

36:51

the same food, man. He just has to eat a dick,

36:54

dude. This looks like my calm after my

36:56

surgery. Yeah, that's right. Bobby

36:58

shot motor oil for like a month. It was

37:01

creepy. This is like Lewis's dream dick. Yeah,

37:04

I know, it's the same color as him, finally. Yeah.

37:08

Hey, guys, let's take a moment and thank our

37:11

sponsor for today's show. Before we get into this

37:13

ad, I just wanna let you know this is

37:15

only for... This

37:17

is only for adults 21 and over

37:21

who are living in... Oh my gosh. Yes, Dave.

37:24

They're living in states where Delta 8

37:26

is legal. I'm running loose

37:28

today, dude. Lewis is out of town,

37:30

so you know what that means. The

37:33

pussies ain't being fucked, eh? Time

37:35

for the old Delta 8 vampire to come in.

37:37

Spread my whales, yes? I mean,

37:40

I guess, but it's just, you know, I still

37:42

feel like there's a lot of pussy for you

37:44

to get on the average week. No, no, most

37:46

of it's here, dude. All right,

37:48

man. Where's Lewis even? Austin,

37:51

Texas. Paul's shining

37:54

Tony Hinchcliffe as we speak.

37:57

Yes, Mr. Hinchcliffe. My

38:00

Lewis impression. Yes, Mr. Hcliff. Are you

38:02

a Delta 8 vampire? Are you

38:04

not a fan of Tony Hinchcliff? No, I

38:06

like his work. You thought,

38:09

did you watch the roast? I loved, he

38:11

was fantastic in the roast. We all should

38:13

have thought of it. Let's tape

38:15

open mic and then make it a

38:17

bazillion dollars. Alright, alright. Yo, Delta 8

38:19

vampire. What? It sounds like

38:21

you're a little bit better. I'm from a

38:24

different time, it's okay. I'm

38:26

from before the internet. I

38:28

think what you're trying to say is that

38:31

if anyone out there wants to get high

38:33

on gummies and vapes, go to yo, delta.com.

38:35

If you want to have been doing comedy

38:37

for five minutes and play in an arena,

38:40

also do this. Alright, listen. Yo,

38:43

Delta vampire, you make a very solid play. Red

38:46

bar is watching. Red bar is watching. Listen,

38:51

no one's going to argue with you about anything that

38:53

you're saying, but at the same time, we will say

38:55

go to yo, delta.com, use promo code, gas for 25%

38:57

off your Delta 8 THC. Chad

39:02

Zuma rules. Chad Zuma for president. Vapes and

39:04

gummies. Alright, let's get back into the show.

39:08

Louis J. Gomez, fun fact. Yeah, where

39:10

is he? Where is he? Oh,

39:12

Louis told us to make fun of his video. What

39:14

was the, I haven't seen this video. I

39:17

know what happened. He called me after this

39:19

happened. Well, I just, when Louis texts you

39:21

to make fun of his video, you're

39:24

like, alright, this is going to be good. I watched some

39:26

of it. Well, can I give the

39:28

guy, so is he going to write it here? This guy

39:30

looks angry. Before we play it, I'll tell you what he

39:32

told me. The guy

39:35

took a long time to find him where he

39:37

lives. Well, he says taking a lift and the

39:39

reason he's taking a lift is because he was

39:41

kicked off Uber. That's

39:44

how, that is this guy's past.

39:47

I don't know who the fuck takes a lift, man. Yeah, that's the

39:49

only reason. Can we guess what this

39:51

guy's first words are? Show his

39:53

face again. Wait, wait. I've heard about

39:55

you from my Uber friends. I'm

39:58

not sucking your cock. I

40:00

want to tell you the story of it ultimately. So the guy

40:02

couldn't find his house several times. Louis sees him

40:04

keep making the wrong turn over and over. Oh,

40:06

Jesus. And then he finally

40:09

gets him, and the guy starts driving, and

40:11

he starts heading into traffic, I guess. And

40:13

Louis just asked him if

40:15

he has ways. He didn't have any. He goes, hey,

40:17

do you have ways by any chance? And

40:20

the guy slammed the brakes. I

40:23

have ways of killing you. I think all my pain.

40:26

I think in traffic. And

40:28

turned back, and this is where I believe encounter.

40:30

I love it. Her joke bomb that

40:32

she immediately went to suck a dick. I

40:36

know how to fix this. Before somebody else says it,

40:38

he gets up and goes, someone put a cock in

40:40

this chick's mouth and shut her up. I know how to

40:43

keep working this club. For the record,

40:45

I thought the joke deserved way more.

40:47

And the dick sucking deserved way less.

40:49

It was terrible. Just

40:52

bit the tip off. Let's see

40:54

this. I like an uncircled book. This is

40:56

here. Today, my lift to the

40:58

airport driver made wrong turn three times. When I asked him

41:00

if he could use ways because it was showing a faster

41:02

arrival time, he reacted by slamming on his

41:04

brakes twice. Violently slamming on his brakes twice, which

41:06

caused me to vomit. I hate when Louis gets

41:08

into author mode. And spill

41:10

my water. The wind was a-prestling that

41:12

time. Not a preposition

41:14

in sight. How did he fail

41:17

high school? The violence of the taxi driver was overwhelming.

41:20

How did he fail high school, but he can

41:22

tweet so good? Let me tell you. James, I

41:25

screamed into the air. Ha ha ha ha. Listen,

41:30

make your own judgment miss what you will. This

41:32

guy, Louis has for. He wrote Karen

41:34

Gomez. They have

41:36

finally, Louis did finally meet his match of

41:38

like a guy who, usually these uber guys

41:41

just eat Louis' shit. He curses

41:43

at them. They deal with it later. When he gets

41:45

out of the car, they'll give him bad reviews or

41:47

whatever. This guy was the first person

41:49

who was like, oh, you want to Louis?

41:51

Let's Louis together right now. I love it.

41:53

Let's see it. Ha ha ha ha.

41:56

Let's Louis together. I'm just telling

41:59

you right now. The breaks in

42:01

a really big way. Pause it. Pause it by the way.

42:03

All right, hold on. This is classic example though, my favorite.

42:05

This is all my favorite. Dude, it's the best. I already

42:07

know what you're gonna say. The Mel Gibson tapes. You

42:09

know. It's every tape. Magic Johnson's

42:11

the owner of the Clippers talking about Magic

42:13

Johnson. When someone knows they're being filmed, how

42:16

much they go, so Louis starts recording. And

42:18

he's like, sir, I believe this was a

42:20

miscommunication with that. But it's more on the

42:22

thing, because he knows he's filming. Whenever you're

42:25

recording a conversation where you're trying to capture

42:27

someone else being insane, you

42:29

go so reasonable that it becomes so phony.

42:31

He'd be like, I can't two people just

42:33

have a conversation. Hold on. You're

42:35

like, and record. My

42:38

good gentleman. He

42:40

really gets into- Kind, sir. The abrupt manner

42:43

in which you are addressing me can

42:46

only be described as chicanery. He really

42:48

gets into customer service mode. Yeah, that doesn't

42:50

even sound like Louis. What's going on right

42:52

now? I'll borrow it. Garrett? I'll

42:54

take some. Bobby, stop it. All right, whatever. You're

42:56

dying to get back in the game though. Dying.

42:59

What a suck dick in smoke pot. What? Bobby,

43:02

you've been clean since you were eight. Keep it

43:04

going. That's why it's so crazy. Not from dick.

43:06

You don't even know if it's bad for you

43:08

anymore. I smoked it was just

43:10

a plant. Yeah, you got sober in 1977. 86,

43:15

you cocksucker. All

43:18

right, let's see. Sir. That

43:20

was insane because I asked you if you

43:23

have ways. Why

43:25

are you slamming the brakes over and over again, sir? You

43:28

keep telling me that ways is what

43:31

I asked you. I asked you if you could

43:33

use ways and you slammed the brakes in an

43:35

extremely dangerous way. I

43:37

didn't say anything actually. Could it

43:39

possibly causing possible damage and irreparable?

43:42

You know, there's already ready to write the script.

43:44

Interior lift. Louis is in the back

43:46

seat. Now, sir,

43:49

I know I don't have to remind you about

43:51

penal code 873-9. We're

43:54

all aware of the law. I don't know if

43:56

it's clear to you, but I suffer from CTE. This

44:00

guy is uber Lewis. I'm tell you wait till

44:02

you hear his shit. He says it's crazy Keep

44:08

going or not What

44:14

a my god Lewis

44:16

fucking Sucks For

44:27

you to keep going but just so you know,

44:29

it's all on record Yeah,

44:32

I don't know how your family's gonna look at you

44:35

after this loose was smart on this he

44:37

should have just filmed himself Lewising

44:39

out on this guy instead of trying

44:41

to be like the sir. It is

44:43

felonious your behavior Stopping a

44:46

car on a major roadway in midday

44:48

traffic. They're going like this and by the

44:50

way, I'm filming For

44:55

my own safety and yours And

45:04

I don't know the guy keeps like breaking

45:06

and being weird I don't know what I

45:08

would say if they're on a highway I

45:10

guess I would go like yeah, like take me

45:13

to the next exit and then the guys got

45:15

Parkinson's I wouldn't want to drive with this guy

45:17

anymore. He's fucking well guys definitely mentally ill and

45:19

fucked up He's driving an uber at 60. Yeah,

45:22

we know Lewis, but the front seat guy was

45:24

crazy, too. Yeah We

45:26

also don't know what happened right before this that's

45:29

everything on the internet Lewis might have been provoking

45:31

this guy He was like right time

45:33

to film, you know, I I

45:35

don't it's not impossible Even though I will say

45:38

he called me but Lewis is an alibi guy,

45:40

too He called me right after

45:42

to got dock those shits. He called me right after hey,

45:45

remember how we were on the phone at 519 p.m Great

45:49

to talk to you, bro The

45:52

craziest thing just happened man It was my uber driver

45:54

just like he was taking wrong turns So I

45:56

asked him if he could use if he had why didn't he say

45:58

could use it as if he had ways And

46:00

he just popped a stitch. It was crazy.

46:02

I recorded the whole thing. Popped a stitch. But I

46:04

was like, so you're like, when you expect to see

46:06

this video, you're expecting to see Lewis. Lewis,

46:09

we all know this isn't the person. That's not the person you

46:11

are. Sir, can two men have

46:13

a conversation? You're stopping the car, which

46:15

is, you know, it's like. But the thing too is

46:18

like, at what point have any

46:20

of you ever like, let me get, let me start

46:22

recording. Never. I've never done that. No, you know why?

46:24

When I'm in the middle of going off on a,

46:26

because this happened, I had a situation. It's why I'm

46:29

light on content, though, because I never. I try to,

46:31

I'm like, should, but also because I can help you.

46:33

I think. I

46:36

think his comics, though, my thing is always

46:39

like, I want to watch this and tell

46:41

people about, you know what I mean? Like, I'm drinking.

46:43

There's a story I'm going to tell. This joke is

46:45

going to be way more intricate than what he's going

46:47

to show. But you know, it is what it is.

46:49

But Lewis, are we at the arc yet?

46:51

Oh, no. The guy starts. All right. Let's

46:53

see. It gets depressing, pathetic.

46:56

Wait, hold on. Let's keep playing this.

46:59

Keep backing up a little bit. You can't on

47:01

Instagram. Fuck me running. Oh,

47:04

and everything you're doing right now is really crazy.

47:06

Well, I'm doing with the map. Cool. Do it.

47:09

The map is telling you I'm recording this. The

47:11

way you slammed that break just now was insane.

47:14

Is he crying? He was crying. All right. Pause it

47:16

for a second. You almost took me away from Danny

47:18

James. Lewis sounds way more emotional

47:20

than I thought he was. I

47:22

thought this whole time I've been like, Lewis is

47:24

in a place where he's like, listen, I'm

47:27

better than this. I've grown up. I'm

47:29

going to just record this and become.

47:31

But in that last sentence, it was

47:33

like, you are breaking like

47:35

crazy. It's like the Lyft driver caught him

47:37

cheating. I've got a boy at home.

47:41

But what if you take me away from him? Oh,

47:46

my god. Where was he?

47:50

He's in Austin. This is leaving from Jersey

47:52

to go to the airport. This is the

47:54

airport. Let's finish it. Let's get through it. It

47:56

isn't for you to do that. That's insane. OK,

47:58

so did you record your? Self-saying. I

48:01

don't care what I said. For you to slam the brick. Boo, he

48:03

pushes quick. Very quick. Did you record?

48:06

I knew it! Is that a rib, rib, rib, rib? I told you. Yeah,

48:08

yeah, yeah. I told you. I told

48:10

you. But were you? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

48:13

yeah, yeah. There's some bullshit on

48:15

this video that Lewis cut

48:17

out. Lewis cut out his part, but he was

48:19

like, what the fuck are you doing right here,

48:21

guy? Yeah, dude, but he's- I'm telling the

48:23

country a piece of shit. Yeah. Lewis

48:25

had him in a headlock. Did

48:28

you show him when you put me in

48:30

a rear naked joke for 30 seconds until I

48:32

tapped? Oh, you're stupid just like my mother.

48:34

Anyway, anyway, let's keep going with what I have.

48:37

The video I have tells the whole story.

48:40

Okay. What about when you- Do, da,

48:42

da, da, da, da, da. What the fuck

48:44

happened to Lewis? This

48:46

is so unlike him. Is he all right? I'm telling

48:49

you what, he did some violence to this guy. He's

48:51

trying to backpedal him afterward, the fact. I hope it

48:53

ends with Lewis going through the windshield. Your

48:55

behavior has been insane. I

48:57

got a booboo on my knee. This is like the worst

49:00

body cam footage. I

49:06

can't understand anything in the world. So whatever you

49:08

think I said, that's fine. If

49:11

you get a dangerous sound effect for me, my knee just slammed

49:13

in the back of your- Not his knee, he

49:15

needs his knees. From my knee to

49:18

slam into a cushion seat. No, I can't fight Chase-

49:20

I can't fight Chase and Ellis again now. You

49:23

know what, I'm sure in Lewis's mind, he was

49:26

like, oh, this is going to be cool. I

49:28

got this guy. I got him! And

49:30

he doesn't even realize how he sounds like a paralegal.

49:32

He sounds like a paralegal right now. I

49:34

can't believe Lewis not only recorded this, but

49:36

put this out for all of us to

49:38

say. All right. Sir, there is a paper

49:41

trail of our interaction. Like

49:44

your thing, it's insane. Did you record all that?

49:46

Yeah, I'm recording all this right now. Good, well,

49:49

we'll record it when you slam into that, because

49:51

you didn't. No, I did slam

49:53

into it. You didn't slam

49:55

the brakes violently holding it? I slammed the brakes. Yeah,

49:57

why? Because I asked you if you could use ways.

50:00

Yes. Here you go. So you're slamming the brakes?

50:02

Because you're the third person who's done that to

50:04

me. Pause

50:06

it. There's a lunatic. There's the twist, everyone. He

50:08

was a lunatic the whole time. Lewis

50:10

said Waze for the third time. He's heard that today, and

50:13

he... This guy flipped out. He...

50:15

I'm so fucking sick of everybody

50:17

talking about Waze! Waze?

50:20

He goes, why does everyone keep

50:22

saying Waze? Listen, I invested in

50:24

the ground floor on Google Apps,

50:26

all right? So, like, fucking... Enough

50:28

about this Waze thing. Yeah, it's

50:30

probably... It was probably three girls,

50:33

though. Yeah, oh, yeah, for sure.

50:35

Three girls, then Lewis. Yeah, and then Lewis, the biggest girl

50:37

of all of them. I hurt

50:39

my knee? That's gonna hurt my runway work? That's

50:43

amazing that Lewis caught a dude who

50:45

was just over being asked about Waze.

50:47

By the way, this is how Lewis

50:49

would behave selling tickets when we were

50:51

younger, when he got past the point.

50:54

Oh, yeah. He'd be the best salesman ever, but if enough people in

50:56

a day gave him, like, fuck

50:59

off, I don't want to buy tickets, you know, that

51:01

kind of shit... By the third... By the one he...

51:03

Slamming on the brakes. He starts saying shit where it's

51:05

like someone goes... When the next person goes, not interested,

51:07

he goes, not interested, thank you for

51:09

offering! I think you

51:11

meant... You mean

51:13

Lewis? Lewis on any podcast he does?

51:16

Yes, or Lewis if you talk to him in 15 minutes. Wow.

51:19

Is there any more of that? It

51:22

doesn't matter. People could ask you to use Waze. Now

51:26

they're having a moment, he goes, it's okay, Waze

51:28

is just another way of showing you how to get someplace.

51:30

He goes, would you

51:32

show me, Mr. Gomez? Sure. Slam

51:35

that brakes again. Let me show you. The difference

51:38

between Waze and Google Maps is that Waze

51:40

is a digital community. Is

51:43

there a cop car coming up? Well, someone on Waze will tell

51:45

you. Is

51:47

this a speed trap? Waze will let you know. It's

51:50

like having a friend on your phone. Do

51:52

you think that guy is going to get fired, like

51:54

the dude from the UFC? Oh, he

51:56

definitely reported him. Oh, he definitely

51:58

wrote... What

52:00

he wrote to fucking a little

52:02

wrote to lift. Oh, it's a hundred percent You

52:04

know listen, I was in a lift one time

52:07

and the lady was being weird. She says to me,

52:09

you know You look like you look like

52:11

mr. Potato Head She

52:13

said this to me. Okay, we guys we go

52:16

far making a good point Place

52:24

thank you. You just met the guy. I just

52:26

got in your car I don't know you like

52:28

this. So I'm like this I'm

52:31

and I'm tweeting at lift. So I'm in

52:33

your lift right now. Oh, you rat it

52:35

around in the car over mr. Potato Head

52:38

It was uncalled for Yeah,

52:41

but it's on the money. Yeah We're

52:44

getting older. Somebody's like, oh, you're a

52:46

fat Patrick Stewart. You would be like

52:49

Yeah, but if someone going

52:51

to lift it said right away get to know

52:54

me first Like dude you

52:56

look like all the sweat hogs I

52:59

would think that was funny It

53:01

was so awkward. It wasn't even like like it

53:03

wasn't even like what was the tone of it?

53:05

Was she like that? That's a lot of it,

53:07

too It was if it more it's like a

53:09

it was a bullying way of saying it versus

53:11

like it was like an Asperger's Autistic sort of tone.

53:13

She had to say it. Yeah. Yeah, it was like I

53:16

don't like this She look it up at the sky. You

53:18

look like mr. Potato Yeah, it was very weird and I

53:20

was like I just said hey, I just got called mr.

53:22

Potato Head in your lift They gave me a free lift.

53:24

Yeah Big

53:28

win How about you ever get into

53:30

a lift and then the music's too loud or some shit?

53:33

I got into a lift and the guys playing religious

53:35

music, but not like, you know, Lord have

53:37

mercy on our soul You know something like that.

53:39

No, this shit was like Really

53:44

loud like that I have good religious music

53:48

I'm gonna show you something right now. Did you complain about

53:50

that? No at that point I

53:53

was like I said, you know what this

53:55

guy's feeling himself. All right. I wasn't personally

53:57

attacked I just thought this is a lot,

53:59

you know It does seem like a lot. Eric, I'll tell you

54:01

one thing I do. It's one of my favorite things. When

54:03

I get into any Uber with a, I'm an

54:05

Uber guy. I get

54:07

into any Uber. You're also a fantasy

54:10

sweets guy, so. Whatever, I'm also a fantasy sweets guy. I

54:12

take an Uber there, though. I think I live.

54:14

I'm not bringing some bitch in a car

54:17

with a mustache to a fantasy suite. We're

54:20

gonna take a Toyota Corolla. I

54:22

have my Shazam in

54:25

my, is me Shazamming things that

54:27

are played blaringly loud in the

54:29

Ubers. Oh, I like that. This

54:33

is Danny Chan, Asian gospel guy.

54:36

["Danny Chan, Asian

54:38

gospel guy"] See,

54:47

this is my point. But you heard this and

54:49

had to find it for yourself? That's like the

54:51

happy ending anthem. No, I didn't have to find

54:53

it. But you're in the back of an Uber

54:55

and that's playing and you're just wondering what's going

54:57

on with this guy. Oh,

54:59

yeah. I mean, there's

55:01

some great ones. I

55:03

like that song. I mean, this

55:05

is pretty obvious. But this is, oh, wait. Guys,

55:08

you know there's a new type of Uber lift

55:10

now where the person's armed? Yeah,

55:13

security. It's like a security guy. They're

55:16

all ex-military guys. Wait,

55:18

what is this? Yeah. They're

55:21

all, you can. ["Danny Chan, Asian

55:24

gospel guy"] Hey, you know

55:26

they got a new lift. All military

55:28

security. They got a

55:31

new lift. It's all ex-military guys. They're

55:33

all armed and it's. What? Why

55:36

am I not taking this everywhere? Yeah, you can get. So

55:38

they're all professional. They're not in every city. They're not in

55:41

like LA or anything. So now I don't have to bring

55:43

my gun. I can just rely on them. Yeah,

55:46

I think it's in Atlanta, right? There's one

55:48

in Atlanta. They're expanding. I just saw

55:50

the thing today. I love getting

55:52

into a lift where the dude's super ethnic

55:54

and he's clearly playing music from his homeland.

55:57

Cause then you're in a kind of a position where you can't. Can't

56:00

say anything? You can't really say anything. You have to take

56:02

the hit and it smells like cherry. Is

56:09

this your Shazam lift list? Uber list? Yeah,

56:13

this is, uh, that's You Are Yahweh by

56:15

Steve Crown. I

56:19

like all these. You

56:23

are Yahweh. You are

56:25

Yahweh. That's a

56:27

good one. I don't care about the music. We should all learn it as a group.

56:31

I don't ever complain. When I get into a lift or an Uber,

56:33

I just take it. I don't care. I

56:36

can't deal with the bad smell though. Bobby

56:39

does this. Bobby does something that I don't like at all. Yeah,

56:42

I love it. This is where our personalities, this is literally

56:44

the thing that brings us together in our difference in

56:46

personalities. Bobby's a get

56:48

into the Uber. I'm a small talker. And

56:51

starts small talk. Bobby's a chatter. Oh no.

56:53

I'm... But he's doing it

56:55

also to be kind of funny. So the awkward is he knows that we

56:58

know he's being sort of a dick to the guy. But

57:01

the guy doesn't know. And sitting idly by

57:03

and watching a guy answer, he goes, yes,

57:05

two children. Two children. He goes, two kids,

57:07

that's hard. So hard. Then

57:09

he wants to talk about it. And Bobby's like

57:11

laughing at him behind his back. And I'm like,

57:14

oh, it's so uncomfortable. I hate it. You're

57:17

a psychopath. I love small talk. I

57:19

get in the car and I'm like, so where are you from? I've

57:22

been to Guadapal. He doesn't mean it. He

57:25

doesn't mean it. My grandfather used to be like Calcutta. You

57:29

know, we should do right. Bobby, if you have

57:31

a long Uber ride, I'll fuck by yourself. My

57:33

goal is to talk him quiet. You

57:36

have a 45 minute Uber ride. Yeah. Just

57:38

you and a guy. You're going to talk to him the

57:40

whole way. That's fucking insane.

57:42

Shatty Kathy. You know, you should do that before

57:44

you get in the car. You should select. Don't

57:47

talk to me. And then

57:49

you'd be chatting. What a conundrum.

57:51

That's great. I do not understand. You know what I

57:53

would love for us to do right now. Everybody put

57:55

your phone. Well,

57:57

that's after. Open up your Uber app. Who's got the

57:59

highest? Oh, that's fun. We've done this, yeah. I got

58:01

it. I knew it. You think you got

58:04

the highest rating? No, no, I don't think so. I

58:07

show them pictures of my pussy. I'm gonna win this. Nice.

58:10

For two years, you're gonna win. Your

58:14

profile picture is your pussy? I

58:17

just brought up my app. I forgot to tip

58:19

a guy from a month ago. Oh, Jesus. Oh,

58:22

wow. Wait, how do you find your rating? That's

58:24

not cool. Go to your profile. Go to profile.

58:26

I think mine is pretty good. What's that? Where

58:28

you at? Wow.

58:30

That's good. I'm 4.81, which is up.

58:34

I'm 4.82. That's

58:36

not bad. For a long time, for two

58:38

years, me and Christine took

58:41

the same, I would get us an Uber to go

58:43

to work. We'd go to work together. And we used

58:45

to argue in Ubers all the time. That

58:47

drug me down pretty good. He's 4.9. What

58:53

are you? What are you? What

58:56

are you? I

59:00

got a gross question. I mean, you have the

59:02

lowest, and you show

59:04

your bullshit to them. You're, Bobby

59:06

is sucking Uber driver's tricks. There's

59:09

no way. I take so many Ubers. I tip

59:11

so well. I tip such a good Uber

59:13

driver. I never tip. You're telling

59:15

me they enjoy your bullshit conversation. That's what

59:17

you're telling me. Maybe you should talk more,

59:20

you fucking social ass guy. You

59:22

guys are harping on the wrong thing.

59:24

I swear to God, I want to

59:27

give Uber a lower rating that Bobby's

59:29

conversation gets him a fucking better rating.

59:31

I'm a little outraged myself. I'm appalled.

59:34

Guys, you're so worried about this with

59:36

each other, you're missing that

59:38

Karen, who said, shows

59:40

her pussy to the drivers, has

59:42

the, by far lowest. She's like

59:45

two points less. Have you seen

59:47

it? Everyone has clap

59:49

if you have. Yeah,

59:51

come on, Jay. I'd be

59:53

funny if they gave you a shitty rating. I'm not

59:55

trying to be a dick here. Me

59:57

and Bobby have to finish our argument, but. Karen.

1:00:00

got a real 3.0 post-it, you know what I

1:00:02

mean? So, yes. Sorry, the people in the 4.9s

1:00:04

are talking now. Now,

1:00:06

Bobby, you're telling me talking to these people?

1:00:08

What are you guys showing? Treat them

1:00:11

like they're human beings? One second, Dave. I

1:00:13

suck my own teeth. Hey, beat it, weird

1:00:15

gash. Listen. Mm-hmm, yes. I,

1:00:18

yeah, I, they fucking enjoy a little

1:00:20

conversation. All right, you know what? I

1:00:22

swear to God. It's

1:00:24

the only thing that could be real, because aside

1:00:27

from that, I'm the best Uber customer ever. But

1:00:29

I will tell you, and this is the truth, is

1:00:32

that I do tend to, if I get in

1:00:34

and they start being overly talkative

1:00:36

with me, I, it's not that I

1:00:38

shut down, but I answer with questions

1:00:41

while being friendly that

1:00:43

are going to stop the conversation. Do you do

1:00:45

this to everybody, sir? I put my headphones

1:00:48

out and, like, roll. Sir, do you talk like this to everybody? No,

1:00:51

I'll just, like, I'll kind of, you know, if they're just

1:00:53

kind of like, oh, man, I had this crazy ride right

1:00:55

before you, I'll be like, yeah, that's the way it always

1:00:57

is, and then put headphones on. Yeah, do that. I

1:01:00

say that's the problem. I just try to, like, be like, listen, I

1:01:02

don't, I don't want to do this. Oh, I can't hear this.

1:01:05

I'm on a jury. If you have to

1:01:07

do this, if you have to do this, though, I have, if

1:01:09

you have to do this, oh, I'm out, I'm out. Someone make

1:01:11

me do that. What, what, what? I'll pretend like I'm taking a

1:01:13

phone call. Listen, I still give them five stars. Me too. I

1:01:16

give every, I've given every Uber driver, there was one

1:01:18

Uber driver ever that I called

1:01:21

for Lauren in 2018, and she was

1:01:23

pregnant at the time. And

1:01:28

I called her an Uber and she went there and went

1:01:30

this Uber driver was crazy. To deliver the baby? That's fucked

1:01:32

up. I go, listen, I got a

1:01:34

Legion skanks podcast. And as soon as that's over, I'll circle

1:01:36

back. No,

1:01:39

but she, now she was like in the middle

1:01:41

of the pregnancy somewhere and the Uber driver like

1:01:43

was shitty and cursed her out or something like

1:01:46

that. And I called Uber and I reported them

1:01:48

and I gave him one star and they refunded

1:01:50

our money and they were like, Oh my God.

1:01:52

You know, whatever email you get back. And

1:01:54

I don't think I've ever given anything

1:01:56

other than a five star besides that

1:01:58

one time. Well, even Not great.

1:02:01

I owe whatever whatever the fucking highest thing

1:02:03

is I always step really good for you

1:02:05

And you got a better fucking rating than

1:02:08

my piece of shit and they say my

1:02:10

pregnant wife was assaulted because and I still

1:02:12

I gave Them two stars. All right, two

1:02:14

stars. I'm sorry. I lied when I said

1:02:16

one it was generously gave an extra star

1:02:20

I was like, I always want to leave room like it could be

1:02:22

worse Dude

1:02:24

you got to open up when they say the guy

1:02:26

before me was a little crazy I go, how's that

1:02:28

buddy? Life is crazy. Talk to me.

1:02:30

Tell me about your life You

1:02:33

don't want to you don't want to learn

1:02:35

to talk radio host in the fucking back

1:02:37

of the car Yes, I watched him do

1:02:39

it. It's good. You don't want to listen

1:02:41

to music or that's my music and nothing

1:02:43

being talking to me about Their problem. He

1:02:45

has no interest in putting on a head.

1:02:47

Okay. Well, I in all honesty right now

1:02:49

I know why I have a 4.82 rating

1:02:51

is because like I look like mr. Potato

1:02:54

Thank you. And now everyone's getting fired every

1:02:56

time they bring it up to you They

1:02:59

they they know on the profile assist. Don't

1:03:01

call him this He

1:03:03

goes Eric came

1:03:05

into the festival this year he's tied up in

1:03:07

some Don't

1:03:11

make fun of his face Have you ever had a like

1:03:13

a lift or uber like not be able to find you

1:03:15

and you're on the way to the airport Okay,

1:03:17

it's early in the morning at 6 a.m. You

1:03:19

gotta you have a flight All right. So then

1:03:21

the fucking guy comes and they can't find where

1:03:23

you are and then you kind of get a

1:03:25

little snippy You know, that's when I know why

1:03:28

that's why I have a 4.82 because I get

1:03:30

it in the car I'm like, what's going on?

1:03:32

I'll walk. I'll walk. This is your only job

1:03:34

I walked to where they are and I'd be

1:03:36

like dude city's crazy You know, I

1:03:38

mean life it's weird. But you know what here we

1:03:40

are. We got it. I give you I give you

1:03:42

a life Back on this there's

1:03:44

companies. I have a little Chinese place

1:03:47

That I call they drive me to the airport for cheap

1:03:50

and they let me smoke cigarettes in the car and when I

1:03:52

call every week I go I need to pick up

1:03:54

to go to a JFK and

1:03:57

they have my phone number in there. So they go.

1:03:59

Oh, yeah, you want a smoking car It's cheaper. I

1:04:05

never argue with them. Now what you pay

1:04:07

again, the cost of doing business, which I'm

1:04:09

learning a lot about now, is that sometimes

1:04:13

they're like late, super late, and then what they

1:04:15

do is they don't answer their phone when they're

1:04:17

late. So they just do that

1:04:19

and wait until they, and then like when someone's

1:04:21

finally coming to you they go, yeah, five minutes.

1:04:24

It's 25 minutes later already. I love Jay's

1:04:26

third generation of miracle Chinese voice. Oh they're

1:04:28

so Chinese. It's like hot o tata. It's

1:04:31

like you are smoking car. It's like, oh

1:04:33

there's a trick in the book. Yeah, it's

1:04:35

like I know you, you want smoking car.

1:04:39

Ooh, what we call a flying dragon. That

1:04:42

was big trouble. The age of smoking car.

1:04:44

That's what that was. That's that accent. Big

1:04:46

trouble. Big trouble. Big

1:04:48

trouble. I learned all Asian accents. Yeah.

1:04:51

No, but I just think that what happens is you get upset, and what

1:04:53

I don't appreciate is they're late. They know

1:04:55

they fucked up. They know. You get in

1:04:57

the car and you're like, what's going on? And then they're mad at you,

1:04:59

and then I get a low rating? Yeah. I

1:05:03

get the low rating. Dude, the idea that whoever it

1:05:05

is, even just looking at like I have a 4.91,

1:05:07

I'm like, who the fuck

1:05:09

gave me four stars? Why

1:05:11

don't they tell me that? Do you mean this motherfucker

1:05:13

just dropped me and needed to go and went, not

1:05:15

perfect. Is it funny that you know what it is?

1:05:17

Like fuck you. How am I not perfect? What did

1:05:20

I do? I sat in

1:05:22

your fucking dumb Tesla backseat. And

1:05:25

you're going to tell me I did

1:05:27

something wrong? You did nothing interesting in

1:05:29

your day. Show your dick, Dave. You're

1:05:31

here. You're here driving me to the

1:05:33

airport. Maybe they sense this attitude. It's

1:05:37

ironic though, the only person who doesn't handle

1:05:39

it. Now he's a psychologist. Piece of shit.

1:05:41

I'm just saying. Life is hard for everyone.

1:05:44

I'm about to jump in an Uber home after this,

1:05:47

and I'm going to be pretty pissed off the

1:05:49

whole way. Why don't you try talking to him a

1:05:51

little? No, I'm not desperate. You guys

1:05:53

start being like them, you guys start being like them, and when they go, hey give me

1:05:55

a five star rating, thanks. Say it to

1:05:57

them when you get out. You

1:06:00

know what I think it is though? I think that they

1:06:02

wait to see if they're gonna get a tip. But

1:06:05

they don't realize, I'm at the airport. I'm not looking at

1:06:07

my fucking phone. I'm

1:06:09

trying to get my ticket up on my phone, trying

1:06:11

to figure everything out. It's not until later when I'm

1:06:14

getting the next Uber that I go, oh I should

1:06:16

have paid this guy. I give him a $5 cash

1:06:18

tip, give yourself a cup of coffee, do it nice

1:06:20

talking to your son. That they don't have to pay

1:06:22

the taxes on him. Have fun at your son's soccer

1:06:24

game this afternoon. Oh my god. You're a pedophile. I'll

1:06:27

tell you what, I'll tip cash. Why don't you have

1:06:30

a five rating? I'll tip cash. I'll tip

1:06:32

cash when I go... There's somebody out there that's like, this guy was

1:06:34

a piece of shit. Oh my god. This guy gave me $5. What

1:06:36

is he doing for this? He

1:06:39

said, get coffee and told me to never stop trying.

1:06:43

It was covered in marinara sauce. Hey,

1:06:46

don't stop what you're doing. One

1:06:48

star. I

1:06:51

mean, yeah dude, I don't know. Yeah Dave,

1:06:53

you take a long one every week. This

1:06:56

is just quiet usually. Always. You just go

1:06:58

complete silence. You know, first

1:07:00

30 seconds. How about you see their eyes in

1:07:02

the rearview a bunch, the rearview mirror a bunch

1:07:04

of times? Do you know it's like, this fucker

1:07:06

wants to talk. Oh, I see. I feel... Dude,

1:07:09

dude, dude, I do one of these numbers. I go like this. You

1:07:14

just turn a little bit. Wait a minute, you guys sit in

1:07:16

the back seat. He's

1:07:19

also not lying about this. I've

1:07:21

watched him do it. I'll

1:07:23

sit in the front seat and there's like three other

1:07:26

people that have to go in the back. You

1:07:28

know what? I had to talk him out of

1:07:30

the front seat today. Wait, hold on, hold on.

1:07:32

You're saying not... How

1:07:34

many people were in the three of us? Three of us. Okay,

1:07:37

alright. But that's bench seat in a big van.

1:07:39

Alright, cool. He said, hey, I'm Bobby. No, no,

1:07:41

no. But I'm just saying, I make the guy

1:07:43

take a brief case. Sit in front seat if

1:07:45

you don't have to is a whole different... No,

1:07:47

I'm like, no, I'll move your bags. You enjoy

1:07:49

humans. No, no, I used to sit in it.

1:07:51

Before COVID, I used to sit in the front

1:07:54

seat all the time because I'm like, this is

1:07:56

a... This is a Corolla. Yeah.

1:07:59

This isn't a limousine. I think you look

1:08:01

fucking stupid sitting in the backseat of a

1:08:03

Mitchamici I know you're getting driven around like

1:08:06

you look looking for great poo pond no

1:08:08

fucking is funny a different in your ass

1:08:11

in the front seat I am uber Excel

1:08:13

that's a uber XL is a very it's

1:08:15

so funny How that is the

1:08:17

fucking my daily gamble in life because you

1:08:19

could be pulling up in a

1:08:21

fucking Honda? Ida see right right

1:08:24

or fucking suburban or Escalade or all it's

1:08:26

so funny. How does the guy that was

1:08:28

waiting for the uber black and he never

1:08:30

got it He was like, all right. I'll

1:08:32

take a regular one. Yeah. Yeah, but usually

1:08:34

it's a rav4. Yeah, or a fucking busted

1:08:36

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1:10:09

we? But

1:10:11

yeah, they I always also the other thing I might

1:10:13

rating might go low for I think some people hate

1:10:15

this But I still do it every time when

1:10:17

I get in I'm telling you what the fastest way

1:10:19

is Oh, I'll tell you right. Oh, you're

1:10:22

one of those soon as but very easy make it

1:10:24

right here Make a left on this street and right

1:10:26

to work. That's so that's such a East Coast thing

1:10:28

anyway, though Right East Coast thing is like it take

1:10:30

28 to whatever to turn on 7th in bubble because

1:10:32

usually it's two turrets What it's the grid so it

1:10:34

is like that, but you go just take

1:10:36

this one this one I know he's talking

1:10:38

about going from the from the west side

1:10:40

to the like five blocks. He takes an

1:10:42

uber First

1:10:49

five in dropping pounds I

1:10:52

will not walk off this I

1:10:55

wrote uber off this meal Eric. I'm not upset with

1:10:57

you at all. I'll tell you what just said Sounded

1:11:00

like that's the joke you should have made Bobby

1:11:03

Bobby Kelly Unfortunately, I don't know if it's upbringing

1:11:05

or they got most of his schooling in the

1:11:07

clink, but I will tell you now See, here's

1:11:09

the thing Bobby doesn't know what the word literally means You

1:11:13

said literally something is definitely not literally. It's it's it's

1:11:18

It's seven blocks this

1:11:20

way Right from

1:11:23

furthest west possible. Not the first dude.

1:11:25

It's Avenue, I'm saying

1:11:27

Idaho by the way we walk home I

1:11:30

remember this moment when it started going downhill

1:11:33

with down We

1:11:36

walk home oftentimes but going to work we leave like

1:11:38

at the time we're get there you ever recognized in

1:11:40

an uber lift That could be what it is, too

1:11:42

I could see somebody being in a lift with I'd

1:11:44

be on your they're like, you know They could be

1:11:46

like a more liberal leaning and they're like, oh, here's

1:11:49

that guy to that

1:11:52

That's why Bobby has a better rating than

1:11:54

me. You're right because I'm too controversial. Yeah,

1:11:56

I've been no anyone to wrap their heads

1:11:58

Right. Sorry. I'm it's good I

1:12:01

like Chris Como. Yeah, because

1:12:03

uber guys are all left-wing

1:12:05

nuts Well,

1:12:09

I'll tell you no,

1:12:11

you're right Dave No,

1:12:16

these are hardest I think people in the world

1:12:18

I've been noticed I've been recognized Out

1:12:20

of state like when I get from the airport to the hotel

1:12:23

place and that's a funny one because I will say nine

1:12:26

times out of ten I Won

1:12:28

and wondering how they didn't know I was in town

1:12:31

if they're big fans I'm like,

1:12:33

well, like are you here to performing and you're like, yeah,

1:12:35

I thought you're a big fan Yeah,

1:12:37

I love Dubuque and I always invite them and

1:12:39

tell them I'll put them on the guest list

1:12:41

and I mean Nine out

1:12:43

of ten do not show up. You know, I thought you were

1:12:45

a big fan Oh, why am I now?

1:12:47

I'm just aware of it and my feelings are hurt.

1:12:50

They recognize me I

1:12:52

drive You know what, let me

1:12:54

take the wheel. You probably offered to drive anyway, get

1:12:57

over let me get this Was

1:13:02

in San Jose, California and like the guy I was going to

1:13:04

a movie when you know when you buy yourself you go see

1:13:06

a movie by yourself I'm

1:13:11

sticking with you Karen's

1:13:16

a chicken Karen's a tweet away from having a human

1:13:18

bench to sit on while she watches a movie So

1:13:22

like I get to the movie theater and my phone

1:13:24

doesn't work My phone like it

1:13:26

turns off and won't turn back on and I'm

1:13:28

like fuck What am I gonna do cuz how am I gonna

1:13:30

get the uber back? This guy goes? Hey, I'll go to the movies

1:13:32

with you right Bobby's

1:13:36

Best case in here guys like Yeah,

1:13:40

he's like I'll go to the movies with you and then

1:13:42

like this guy said I thought about I was like, okay

1:13:46

We went we went to the movies he took me to the

1:13:48

mall to get my phone fixed and dropped me black off at

1:13:50

The hotel. Yeah, he waited to

1:13:52

get your phone fixed. Yeah, and then I raised

1:13:55

you that and then he gave you one star

1:13:57

Yeah, after all that and yeah, probably I dragged

1:13:59

me around the whole fucking city had

1:14:01

to watch a real snoozer of a

1:14:03

film nobody I remember the first time

1:14:05

like I had like somebody had

1:14:08

one of the signs you know that was a great

1:14:10

moment you know but I remember this night the guy

1:14:12

said E Griffin I walk up to the guy and

1:14:14

I'm like he goes you ain't Eddie

1:14:16

Griffin I was disappointed

1:14:19

who he was picking on I had that in

1:14:21

Vegas happened to me three times in

1:14:24

Vegas it said R Kelly some

1:14:28

old black guy and I showed up and

1:14:30

he was like god damn he had

1:14:32

told the other limo guys dude this guy

1:14:34

was he was talking about it

1:14:39

the whole ride from the airport to the thing he

1:14:41

was like oh man I was so excited to be

1:14:43

Eddie Griffin you know I went

1:14:46

to go see him like four times the guy was like talking

1:14:48

about it I was in the back of the car like thank

1:14:50

you so much have you ever had

1:14:52

making me feel good about myself have you ever

1:14:54

gotten friendly with after this will do plugs to

1:14:56

but have you ever gotten friendly with someone

1:14:59

who's just the driver for a club but

1:15:01

it's always that driver like someone's

1:15:03

I know I know that in Phoenix stand

1:15:05

up lie they have an old black guy

1:15:11

I go I

1:15:14

go and be dude he's only got another year

1:15:16

to a being valuable he's like now when

1:15:18

I played ball back in yes I love

1:15:21

it and he just gives me the whole

1:15:23

I love it I'm so sad that that's

1:15:25

okay cuz his son plays world music have

1:15:27

you listened to his son's world music buddy

1:15:29

he gave me father advice and then Charles

1:15:32

is a whore he told me he goes

1:15:34

he goes let me tell you something black

1:15:36

people don't want to go to white people's

1:15:38

barbecue it's not racist we just

1:15:40

do different barbecues that's all I was like

1:15:42

that makes sense rules dude Charles

1:15:45

the best Charles you pick he

1:15:48

always remembers you topics I

1:15:50

thought he was my guy I'm so bummed out I

1:15:52

asked I go how's the stars

1:15:54

he torn still he goes yeah

1:15:57

he's in Europe now he's an

1:15:59

ex-basketball player the best boy. Have you

1:16:01

ever been picked up by somebody like from

1:16:03

the club and they're drunk? No.

1:16:07

Please tell us clearly that's definitely happened to

1:16:09

you. I've been picked up from the club

1:16:11

by somebody who's crazy. Yes. And

1:16:13

they let me know they're crazy very quickly.

1:16:15

I've gotten crazy. I've gotten the other kind

1:16:17

and I've also my least favorite because your

1:16:19

story's gonna be better. I've definitely got the

1:16:22

local, I'm older now but

1:16:24

when I was like in my late 20s and early 30s headlining

1:16:27

any places I did, even the few I did, when

1:16:29

they have the host pick

1:16:31

you up, he has to do these things and he's 50

1:16:33

years old and he keeps and he just

1:16:36

doesn't like you because you're, you know, it's like you want to

1:16:38

say it by the end like I'm sorry you're not headlining

1:16:40

dude. I stopped telling me these stories.

1:16:42

Yeah, Dave Chappelle once said that I

1:16:45

was probably the funniest comic working but then

1:16:47

my fat wife got pregnant. You know how it

1:16:49

is. Post office iron. That's when you go like

1:16:51

this. In

1:16:54

the front seat. Yeah. Sorry I

1:16:56

have a call. Hello. Yes anyone.

1:17:01

You're just calling the old movie phone line. 615. 715. IMAX.

1:17:03

I had a guy pick me up on Coke,

1:17:10

fucking coked out of his head at like

1:17:13

eight in the morning and we get in the car and

1:17:15

he goes, you know what I mean, watch out for the

1:17:17

floor. I was like what? It was, yeah it was such

1:17:19

a shitbox. He had a hole in

1:17:21

the floor. You could see the hot flintstones

1:17:23

fucking coming through. So I had to keep

1:17:25

my feet separated onto the room. It's flintstone.

1:17:27

I've been in Bobby, reach down. Give me

1:17:29

a kick. You guys been in a car

1:17:32

accident? With Patrice?

1:17:34

I've been in one car accident. With Patrice

1:17:36

man, the guy was uh, the guy

1:17:38

was taking, he took us to get Jack

1:17:40

in the box after, two fat

1:17:42

guys getting food and he was pulling

1:17:45

out and the guy just got T-boned in front of him. That's

1:17:47

the first time ever, first time ever in my life. I

1:17:49

heard the high pitched squeal of Patrice's

1:17:52

genuine, he was scared. He was

1:17:54

like, where am I? It was so real

1:17:56

dude and we got drilled but we were,

1:17:58

everything was fine. He said, well, he's

1:18:00

taking us to get a new policy. You went,

1:18:02

diabetes. Basically, I was

1:18:05

in Kansas City, and the guy

1:18:08

crashed into somebody like this on a freeway.

1:18:10

He gets out. I'm wondering what the

1:18:12

fuck's going on. The guy's talking. All I see is this.

1:18:15

And he gets back in the car. We're good.

1:18:17

It goes. Which club in Kansas City? It was

1:18:19

that. Stanford and Sons? Yeah, it was closed down.

1:18:22

So it was Dana. Dana

1:18:24

was the driver from Stanford and Sons, always. The

1:18:26

first time he picked me up. I remember. I

1:18:29

went there with you, right? You went with me the year they said

1:18:31

that you had to go. That was the guy picking us up. Oh,

1:18:33

yes. That's funny to add on to. But

1:18:36

Dana, the first time picked me up and I was like, holy

1:18:39

Christ. Who's

1:18:41

racist now? I

1:18:44

try to teach myself kung fu. Dana

1:18:47

was this big corn fed white dude. And again, we used

1:18:49

to get to know a driver too well. I went to

1:18:51

him when he had to show up because

1:18:53

his ex-wife and her abusive new fireman husband, were they

1:18:55

going to fight? They were waiting in the car while

1:18:57

the cops came and shit. But he picked me up

1:18:59

the first time and he goes, I was like, hey.

1:19:02

Somebody asked the guy if he knows the club. I go, is

1:19:04

there a place you can get weed? You know, to get weed? He goes, oh

1:19:06

yeah, for sure. And we drove over to the

1:19:08

Missouri side and he picked up a

1:19:10

black dude named Stacy who goes, yeah, I'll

1:19:12

get you weed. How much you want? I was

1:19:14

like 20 bucks. That was broke. He goes,

1:19:17

cool. I got you. We drove to a

1:19:19

little roundabout and Stacy got

1:19:21

out of the car. He goes, you want 20? He

1:19:23

pulled down a ski mask and went into the woods

1:19:27

and came back, didn't get back in the car, came back

1:19:29

with a gun in his hand and he gave me weed.

1:19:32

Loose. In my hand.

1:19:34

Like he picked it? And he goes, that's 20. Yes. It

1:19:37

was dirt on it. Like he got turnips out of the ground. It

1:19:39

was bat shit, dude. He murdered a white kid? I

1:19:42

don't know what he did, but he came out

1:19:44

and he gave it. Stacy came to the show.

1:19:46

Jake got so high that night. Stacy

1:19:48

came to the show at the end of the weekend. What was

1:19:50

that guy's name? What was the owner's name? Why? Craig

1:19:54

Fraser, dude. That guy was crazy. Why? Because

1:19:57

he hit a black. It was snowing and he picked it up. He

1:20:00

picked me up in the Lotus. Come

1:20:02

on, what? You guys can't ride the Lotus.

1:20:04

You ain't seen a Lotus since Pretty Woman.

1:20:06

It's snowing. He was the creepiest comedy club

1:20:08

owner I've ever met in my life. He's

1:20:10

the king of sting. The king of sting.

1:20:12

The king of sting. By the way, you

1:20:14

all have his book, right? I don't think

1:20:16

any of that happened. But he claims a

1:20:18

day. I read his book, it was a

1:20:20

great book. I was

1:20:22

gifted his book. I did not read

1:20:24

it. Bobby read it to an Uber

1:20:26

driver. Did you guys chapter one too?

1:20:28

Thanks for picking me up. I got

1:20:31

a four hour drive. Chapter one. Before

1:20:33

I became the king of Kansas City comedy,

1:20:35

I was the king of sting, dude. But

1:20:39

he made you do like eight radio shows in a row.

1:20:41

And he did every... Dude, he came... He would teach you

1:20:43

how to do radio. Like what you want to do. Tell

1:20:45

a joke. You guys here, I gotta talk about that too.

1:20:47

Most comets want to just go on to hang out. Make

1:20:49

sure you do your act. What does he say about talking over

1:20:51

people? I don't know. Ask

1:20:54

him and him. Well, I'll tell

1:20:56

you this. He took me and Jay to a

1:20:58

radio show. Literally

1:21:00

walked us in the front door to go

1:21:02

to a radio show. I put it on

1:21:04

your side. To promote this shit gig that

1:21:06

we're doing. And he goes in. I

1:21:08

love the club. And he goes to me

1:21:10

and Jay. And he goes, there's like this

1:21:12

secretary who's letting us in. And he just

1:21:14

turns to us and he goes, ah, you

1:21:17

used to fuck this chick. Like, I know that.

1:21:21

And we walk in and he goes, he said

1:21:24

something like... He sexually harasses every chick he

1:21:26

comes across. It was so blatant. Man,

1:21:29

I started too late. 6 a.m.

1:21:31

walking into an office building. A

1:21:33

woman in like a office

1:21:36

suit thing. And he goes, hey, the

1:21:38

titties looking bigger than ever. And she

1:21:40

looked at him with a face of

1:21:42

like, I've never been so mortified in

1:21:44

my life. I hate this guy. Alex,

1:21:46

bring up, it's worth it. Alex, bring

1:21:48

up a man and his dog, April

1:21:50

Macy. Yeah, but you guys, this is

1:21:52

every black comic we know. All

1:21:56

right, listen, listen. We should read plugs, because we're getting

1:21:58

late into this. Before

1:22:00

Alex brings it up, everybody let's do

1:22:03

plugs. Eric, where can people

1:22:05

find you? Just ericgriffin.com. I'm

1:22:07

gonna be someplace soon. This

1:22:09

is, actually Greensboro Comedy Zone,

1:22:12

June 14th. 12th through

1:22:14

to 14th. I'm gonna be in Chicago June 14th,

1:22:16

15th, and 16th. Just

1:22:18

doing spots at Laugh Factory, but the 16th, me,

1:22:20

Micah, and Tim McLaughlin have a big show, so

1:22:22

come check us out. Fuck yeah. I'm

1:22:25

gonna be, I'm Port Charlotte this weekend,

1:22:28

and then New Hampshire and McGoobies,

1:22:30

punchup.live slash Robert Kelly, and of

1:22:32

course, on the bonfire with Jay

1:22:34

every fucking day. Yeah. Davey.

1:22:39

June 14th and 15th, I'll be in

1:22:41

Las Vegas. Wise guys, come on out

1:22:43

there. I got Robbie the Fire Bernstein

1:22:45

coming with me for those, and then

1:22:48

July 12th, 13th, and 14th, I'll

1:22:51

be at the Comedy Mothership doing another weekend out

1:22:53

there. There's still some tickets left for the

1:22:55

Sunday show. Please, come on,

1:22:57

I wanna have our people come out

1:22:59

for that. And then Zany's Nashville, a

1:23:02

bunch of stuff coming up,

1:23:04

comicdavesmith.com, part of the problem,

1:23:06

right here on the Gas Digital Network. Of

1:23:08

course, the Chris Cuomo debate is blowing up,

1:23:10

so everybody check that out. I watched it

1:23:13

live, baby, that was great. Thank you. I'm

1:23:16

getting an unbelievable response from that, so please

1:23:18

go check that out, and that's

1:23:20

all. I got two specials for free

1:23:23

up online, Libertas and 30 Minutes with

1:23:25

Dave Smith, both up on YouTube for free, so go check

1:23:27

those out as well. It's free now, you better watch them

1:23:29

now. You're gonna have to

1:23:31

pay next week if you wanna see those

1:23:33

specials. No, seriously,

1:23:35

check them out now, it's fine. lewisofskanks.com

1:23:39

for all Lewis updates. He's on the road constantly

1:23:41

coming up, or not at all, he might be

1:23:44

taking a break, I don't know. But

1:23:46

one of those two, for sure. Are you guys

1:23:48

in Austin right now? By the way, before we

1:23:51

go any further, I just wanna say, I went

1:23:53

to Skankfest two years ago, and I just wanna

1:23:55

say to you guys, that was the best time

1:23:57

I've ever had. Come

1:24:00

back, man. You know what I mean? Please come

1:24:02

back. And I'm scheduled to go this year, so I'm

1:24:04

going to be there again. But I just want to

1:24:06

let you guys know that is such a great time.

1:24:08

Oh, dude. You're the man. That was great having you

1:24:10

there, dude. Yeah, I love it. It was a fun

1:24:13

time. That was in Vegas. This is going to be,

1:24:15

and we did last time in Vegas too, and this

1:24:17

is our last time in Vegas this year. So come

1:24:19

on out to this. I'm going to single day tickets.

1:24:21

We're creating urgency. Single day tickets still available, for sure.

1:24:24

Watch Louis's specials online, of course. And

1:24:26

then bigjcomedy.com for all my dates. If

1:24:28

you're listening right now, if you want

1:24:30

them, in Irvine, Irvine Improv this

1:24:33

weekend, Friday and Saturday. Four

1:24:35

shows. Let's fill that the fuck up. And

1:24:38

then Friday, hopefully, I'm going to be pitching my

1:24:40

special on Netflix. Wish me luck, everybody. Good luck.

1:24:43

The crowd work special. So I don't know if

1:24:45

they're going to let me call it what I

1:24:47

want to call it. What do you want to

1:24:49

call it? Them they. That's

1:24:52

aggressive. Because it's about it's crowd work. So

1:24:54

it's about them and they. And that's the,

1:24:56

yeah. It's an

1:24:58

aggressive title, but let's say we're willing to

1:25:00

workshop that might die in the room. We're

1:25:03

not married to it. We're not married to it, for sure.

1:25:06

I just directed Matt Rife's crowd work special. We

1:25:08

just did it. Oh, fuck you for Netflix. Yeah,

1:25:10

for Netflix. Fuck you. What are you doing at?

1:25:12

It does sound like you just told me you

1:25:14

directed a gay porn. But I'm assuming you didn't.

1:25:17

Hey, you're saying it's not right. And a bunch

1:25:19

of dudes. Well, it's in the eye of the

1:25:21

beholder. I'm not in the porn. I

1:25:23

just directed. That's

1:25:26

all above board, dude. How hot is he?

1:25:28

Is he as hot as he looks on? Yeah, he's very

1:25:30

hot. So hot. But

1:25:33

yeah, hopefully that'll go fucking well. And then I'll

1:25:35

be on Burke Reicher's tour for the next three

1:25:37

weekends after that. Oh, sweet. Every day of

1:25:39

the Foyolo tour. So if you're out there, check it

1:25:41

out. After that, I'll be doing the Borgata in July.

1:25:43

Everyone come down, see me there. My first time doing

1:25:45

that music box theater. So come check

1:25:47

me out down at the Borgata. And then I'm all

1:25:49

over the place. Doing big things, everybody. bigjcomedy.com. And

1:25:52

then, yeah, watch my specials. Listen to the

1:25:54

SDR show. And of course, the bonfire. Five

1:25:57

days a week, faction talk, serious sexiness, how

1:25:59

you doing, Bobby? Sirius XM 103 with

1:26:01

me and the great Robert Kelly. That

1:26:03

was way better. Yeah. I

1:26:05

was very subtle. I got

1:26:07

introduced on the road as a, and

1:26:13

this was somebody who I like very

1:26:16

much, but I was

1:26:18

just doing a spot, like not a headlining thing. And

1:26:21

they were like, and he brought me up and he

1:26:23

goes, you know this guy from the bonfire. And

1:26:25

then as soon as he said that, tell

1:26:28

him he realized that's on the

1:26:30

bonfire. I'm sorry. I just had the

1:26:32

wrong show. I tell

1:26:35

you what, it's the one thing I understand completely.

1:26:37

And I see it happen a ton still just

1:26:39

intro, introing someone. When someone asked me

1:26:41

the pressure I put on myself more, I'd rather go up

1:26:43

in so many more dire situations

1:26:45

than someone going, hey, would you mind doing

1:26:48

the voice of God in this arena to start the show? You're

1:26:51

like, oh God. What's

1:26:54

up? Where the fuck are we again? Arkansas.

1:26:59

I think, by the way, no matter how much they scream, you

1:27:01

go, I think we can do a little better than

1:27:03

that. I saw that. I said, oh,

1:27:05

am I doing it right? Eardrums are

1:27:07

already bursting. And you're like, you can't

1:27:09

do better. You know what is a

1:27:11

crazy thing though, about how weird human

1:27:13

beings are. And the social psychology of

1:27:15

like an audience is that there's never

1:27:17

once in the history of the world

1:27:19

been anyone who went, how's everybody doing

1:27:21

tonight? And they went, come on, we

1:27:23

could do better than that. It

1:27:26

always gets more the second time. And

1:27:28

I'm not saying it gets great, but it

1:27:31

always gets a little bit more. And there are

1:27:33

people who didn't clap the first time who won't

1:27:35

clap the second time, but everyone who clapped the

1:27:37

first time will clap a little bit louder. Give

1:27:39

it a little bit more. The second time, they

1:27:42

go, all right, I can give more. I can't

1:27:44

give more than I wanted to voluntarily give. I

1:27:46

remember starting the Black Circuit, how many comics were

1:27:48

married to the idea that they're

1:27:51

gonna come up and whatever the crowd does,

1:27:53

they're gonna fake complain for three minutes talking about

1:27:56

how like they came all the way here and

1:27:58

got the shirt dry cleaning and blah, blah. And

1:28:00

then you ain't gonna give that little bullshit applause and I

1:28:02

came out here But you know we're gonna do that re-intro

1:28:04

again, and then they walk off You know what that's that's

1:28:07

themselves with a microphone, and then everybody goes nuts, but I Didn't

1:28:10

have so many black shows where the crowd goes nuts the first

1:28:12

time and it doesn't make sense He's going man.

1:28:14

Y'all don't give a shit man. What are

1:28:16

y'all tired or something? You're like dude. They

1:28:18

just like people's they're bleeding your eyes. It's

1:28:20

the start clapper right now start clapper I

1:28:22

hate that one. That's a that's the black

1:28:25

version of you remember when we were kids

1:28:27

and I'm like channel 35 all right Bobby

1:28:30

you remember 30 years after you were a kid

1:28:32

and I'm like Bobby cable came out How and

1:28:34

there was chat there was channel 35 and

1:28:37

there would be like the white people who were

1:28:39

selling things I don't like that. I'm sure old

1:28:42

I have boss jokes now well Yeah

1:28:45

But you remember what I'm talking where they would

1:28:47

there'd be like this desperate Salesmen on TV, and

1:28:49

they would do the thing where they went like

1:28:51

this is normally $39

1:28:54

but for you guys it's cut down to $32 But

1:28:57

for a special time only it's $25, but

1:28:59

right now today. It's 1999

1:29:04

like there would be like four drop downs

1:29:06

of the price we used to torture my dad

1:29:08

We got him to buy a big green clean machine

1:29:16

Only the next eight people get it for this price You

1:29:20

see the counter on the screen Did

1:29:23

you know that that was all bullshit do you remember

1:29:25

the time in your life when you realize like oh

1:29:30

Do you remember the the sports show that

1:29:33

was on it like two in the morning

1:29:35

and Saturday Night Live had

1:29:37

a great sketch about it when Will Ferrell

1:29:39

was there where they were like we have

1:29:41

these autographed cards And then the sketch was

1:29:43

that they just doused the place with gasoline

1:29:45

and they were like we will burn ourselves

1:29:47

alive If you won't buy

1:29:49

this but they were making fun of a

1:29:51

real show that was like oh we have

1:29:53

this memorabilia thing There's a football song by

1:29:55

Joe Montana and the next thing and there

1:29:57

was just one thing that I picked And

1:30:00

I was like, I'm going to get this. It was like $40. I

1:30:03

was like 17, had a summer job,

1:30:05

had enough money to buy it, and

1:30:09

sham well. And

1:30:11

I got it, and it was

1:30:13

such garbage. Then I

1:30:16

was like, oh, this whole thing is bullshit, man.

1:30:18

They turned this penny into another penny. Did

1:30:20

you ever see that? Literally. Mike, bring up

1:30:22

Odell. It was something like that. Odell

1:30:25

sword. Did you ever see this?

1:30:27

It was a great QVC. The guy trying to sell the sword,

1:30:29

and it breaks and stabs himself. My

1:30:31

favorite is those infomercials where, let's say,

1:30:34

they're selling a different type of fork

1:30:36

or something. And then they're showing people

1:30:38

eating with the old forks. And someone's

1:30:40

like, do you have trouble eating with

1:30:43

a fork? And they're like, ow. Metzger

1:30:46

used to say something about that. I love those. He

1:30:49

goes, have you been buttering bread the old fashioned way? I

1:30:52

don't even understand. Banging this butter into the

1:30:54

bread is getting weird. Yeah, I

1:30:56

love those, man. This

1:30:58

is great. 1816

1:31:01

is the item number on this one. And

1:31:03

the nice thing about these practice katanas, oh,

1:31:07

that hurt. Oh,

1:31:09

that hurt big Tom. A

1:31:12

piece of that just the tip just got me, Odell.

1:31:17

Oh, that got me good. A

1:31:19

piece of that tip just got me. He

1:31:22

sounds like Lewis in the back of the lift. Oh,

1:31:25

you know what I've been lacerated. I

1:31:28

have been lacerated. Oh,

1:31:31

yeah. All right, got me good.

1:31:34

Those knife ones, you get like 600 knives for $32. How

1:31:39

do you not buy that? I'll

1:31:42

tell you, almost. I'm with him. I

1:31:44

did two days of training at Cutco. And let me tell

1:31:47

you, you get some money. You start getting a little bit

1:31:49

of money. And you see those things. You go, I got

1:31:51

a hat. Yeah, you got to have seven samurai swords in

1:31:53

all the different sizes. Well, I'll tell you where they see

1:31:55

me coming is always on that. If it's like there's

1:31:58

this knife, the same exact knife. and

1:32:00

one's fucking $300 and one's $500, you're like, well,

1:32:04

I mean, these $500 ones must be better. I

1:32:06

know it's the same exact thing. But I

1:32:08

like buying this stuff, like the maintenance stuff.

1:32:11

So you already bought the knives two years ago.

1:32:14

Now they're like, are your knives dull? Oh,

1:32:16

yeah, yeah, yeah. You need this kit. You're

1:32:18

using a chopping block that's raw. I'm

1:32:22

a big flea market

1:32:24

or yard sale guy.

1:32:26

No, you're not. No, really? For a

1:32:28

friendship. State sale. Good. I will,

1:32:30

if I see a suit. Is he only the suit?

1:32:33

Dead dude? I bought

1:32:35

last year, I bought one of those

1:32:37

old projector screens. Where you pull

1:32:39

the cabinet down? I

1:32:41

bought the old projector screen, but I don't have a projector.

1:32:44

What, are you going to watch stag films with your dad's

1:32:46

friends? I don't even have a projector. Is a naked black

1:32:48

and white girl doing this? I

1:32:51

like the ones where the oxy clean ones, where the

1:32:53

curtains would be really dirty and then they put it,

1:32:55

they dipped it in. Doesn't work like that ever, though.

1:32:57

But I was like, why are your curtains so dirty? Maybe just

1:33:00

get some new curtains. Yeah, really. But now they're

1:33:02

not even doing commercials like that anymore. Now

1:33:04

it's just like someone's TikTok. Well, Billy Mays

1:33:06

does. They'll be like, here's how you clean

1:33:09

a pan. And then they'll be like, you know, salt

1:33:11

with vinegar, with all this stuff,

1:33:13

and they do it. That guy told me shaving cream

1:33:15

is going to clean all of the fucking stains on

1:33:17

a mattress. Did it work? I don't

1:33:19

know. You

1:33:21

see the Jamie Kennedy, when he had a

1:33:23

Jamie Kennedy experience, he had one of those ovens

1:33:26

or something like that. Someone

1:33:28

really got hurt and had to be

1:33:31

taken out. And he just paid the audience. He

1:33:33

just paid the audience more money to just

1:33:37

be like, this is great. He just, they're like, will

1:33:39

you do it? They're like, no. I'll give you $300.

1:33:42

And it just cuts them going, this is the

1:33:44

best item I've ever seen. All

1:33:48

right, guys, let's take a moment and thank

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a terrible promo code. Well, they

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changed their website. It's not sheath

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underwear now at sheath calm. All

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right sheath, uh Let's

1:35:11

get back into it Oh,

1:35:14

no, we have to get into this we have a contest

1:35:16

what's that? We do we do

1:35:18

a golden ticket contest Okay Every

1:35:21

year and we have some entries that

1:35:23

we have to kind of go through for this contest

1:35:25

I think you'll have a fun time with Erica and

1:35:27

Karen. You're gonna love this a lot. Yeah, he was

1:35:29

looking at me staring at my meatballs Why

1:35:32

did you get the meat? I'm just let him get

1:35:34

I got so I'll either call me Paul Are

1:35:41

you guys gonna fuck or what is

1:35:43

this guy? Are you

1:35:46

guys playing games? I can't handle her Oh

1:35:50

We're taking entries into this contest.

1:35:53

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Alex if Lewis were

1:35:55

here he'd yell at you Yeah, we

1:35:57

have we're taking them for one more week So

1:36:00

if you think you are the ugliest fan

1:36:02

and you want a golden ticket. Now come

1:36:04

on be nice. Listen. Do

1:36:06

you know what a golden ticket is? Scankfest.

1:36:09

Immediate access to every show in Scankfest. No

1:36:12

lines. And everybody will know

1:36:14

you as the ugliest one. Yeah. Listen,

1:36:17

having a golden ticket to Scankfest is like

1:36:19

being Bobby in an Uber. Alright.

1:36:22

You're the man. You're the mayor. You have

1:36:24

to get a sash for that person. We

1:36:27

always try to identify them somehow. You have

1:36:30

by their fucking ugly face. I know by

1:36:32

their warts. Well in this case it will

1:36:34

be. By their shitty teeth and their moles.

1:36:36

So we have. Are there one eye? Some

1:36:39

people have submitted as ugliest

1:36:41

Legion of Scankfest fans. So is this

1:36:43

the first round? This is the first round in our

1:36:45

city. Do we have to pick a winner? No, no, no,

1:36:47

no. No, this is just to get the ball rolling. We're

1:36:49

getting the ball rolling. Alright. We're getting

1:36:51

the ugly ball rolling. Maybe we could knock one person out.

1:36:53

You see how you feel about that. Yeah. Alright.

1:36:57

We might think one person is not even ugly. They're just trying to

1:36:59

show off somehow. Yeah. G-Mike and

1:37:01

I think that the fans could do better than this

1:37:03

first round to be honest. Okay. So

1:37:06

that's what I'm saying. Maybe this gets the ball rolling because

1:37:08

people go, oh you know what? I'm uglier than these people.

1:37:10

I'll tell you this right now. If we're

1:37:12

talking ugliest person who's a fan of Legion

1:37:14

of Scankfest competition, I see some

1:37:16

contenders in this room right now. So

1:37:18

Dave. I don't. Oh

1:37:21

you're on a power trip Dave. Because you don't know

1:37:23

how to small talk Dave. That's why you don't have

1:37:25

a five rating on Uber. God damn right. That's what

1:37:27

I see you say. You have a face first facing

1:37:29

forward away from people. I got. I'm

1:37:32

four nine one guys. I'm doing pretty

1:37:34

good. You're not. Alright. You're

1:37:37

not. Anyways. Nine three. Listen

1:37:41

Dave. You're one full point higher

1:37:43

than me. I'm four eight one. But

1:37:45

you have never had full blown domestic disputes

1:37:47

in your cars. And I have. So

1:37:50

I think I'm doing pretty pretty good. Fair

1:37:52

enough. Alright. Look maybe you gave me

1:37:55

a three rating. You didn't tell the cops what I did

1:37:57

to that bitch in that car. That's

1:38:00

all that matters you want smoking car That's

1:38:03

what that means you make lady face your

1:38:06

mouth shut. Yeah, they just put up the

1:38:08

partitioned You put

1:38:10

cigarette. Oh, no, they pick you up in

1:38:12

a crusty I'm like a shit the Asian

1:38:14

place picks me up in a fucking just

1:38:16

someone's car dude. It smells like cigarette already

1:38:18

It's a Toyota Celica black. No doubt. Yes

1:38:20

for sure. I let's see these monsters

1:38:23

Okay, and by the way to enter

1:38:25

email LOS golden

1:38:28

ticket@gmail.com. Send your

1:38:30

ugliest pick. Okay. All right. Well, that's

1:38:32

not bad This is Dylan

1:38:36

It's not good. I mean he's probably dead by the

1:38:38

time he gets his ticket. He's amping up the

1:38:40

ugly with that expression He's about to commit

1:38:42

suicide. He could be more jolly. I mean

1:38:44

this is guy is It's

1:38:48

not it's not the best body I've ever seen but

1:38:50

why is this one areola so much bigger than

1:38:52

the other one It's

1:38:56

off-center is what the issue is like you

1:38:58

made some on breastfeed on him Yeah, he's

1:39:00

got his chest looks like a topical man. I

1:39:03

he's with a smile. He'd be adorable Here's I'm

1:39:05

gonna say this guy's not trying that's something you

1:39:07

can deal with do we have more in the

1:39:09

middle of the body? Cuz I'm telling you this

1:39:11

guy gets laid And

1:39:14

he's got a spider-man tattoo Christ Say

1:39:20

whatever you want to decent kitchen no

1:39:22

nice That's

1:39:26

not a not bad kitchen, but you could

1:39:28

be mom's house Can you give the

1:39:31

woman he's married to taking this photo a golden ticket

1:39:33

for hanging out with this troll? You think this guy's

1:39:35

found love? The spider-man

1:39:37

tattoo is brutal, but

1:39:39

that That kitchen

1:39:41

whether it's his mom's or his love

1:39:43

that's something to be proud It

1:39:49

might be to tell you why and Karen can I give you

1:39:52

something that lends to your idea? Maybe you see the same thing

1:39:54

the color they have all the different colors

1:39:56

markers up there by the by it looks

1:39:58

like a chores fucking I have a

1:40:00

golden ticket. Yeah. Yeah. No, I have to

1:40:03

leave it going Vegas. I want No

1:40:07

That tattoo is not a real tattoo. I

1:40:09

think it's a sticker. That's a sticker. All right,

1:40:11

you know what? I'll tell you the markers

1:40:13

that this is what Jay got the

1:40:16

markers on the fridge are

1:40:18

so high Like

1:40:21

that should be low on the ground for a

1:40:23

child Like

1:40:26

yeah, you know what That's

1:40:29

not a real That

1:40:32

that is not a real Dude,

1:40:34

who's this hottie on the fridge? That's

1:40:36

his wife. They're fucked up. Why do

1:40:39

you think that's married? He's a

1:40:41

hundred percent married. This is a dime

1:40:43

piece. That's from the 70s that

1:40:45

picture. He's married. That's a

1:40:47

husband Wait, hold on wait. Wait, in

1:40:50

the picture. Look you see the dog. Yeah, you

1:40:52

see the dog It may he's like this guy's

1:40:54

fucking retarded That's

1:40:59

a dad It's

1:41:01

not a dad. That's not a father.

1:41:03

That is not a husband Alex,

1:41:05

what do we know about this person? Can

1:41:08

I say this? I'm still looking

1:41:10

at this guy and Karen correct me if I'm completely

1:41:13

wrong on this This guy still gets

1:41:15

laid at the end of a frat party because

1:41:17

he's crushing cans on his head and some girl

1:41:19

goes Yeah, come on. Come on fucking Dougie. I

1:41:21

want his name. There's the guy yells out food.

1:41:23

Bye. Yeah He gets legs.

1:41:26

He's a party guy Yeah,

1:41:28

yeah, yeah, and some girls like also like you're

1:41:30

dick. He's married. He has a good job and

1:41:32

he has kids What are you talking? I'm with

1:41:34

you Fucking

1:41:38

acne problem, but you

1:41:40

know, you guys are right Karen's done worse. All right

1:41:44

Alex Alex, what do we have about this guy

1:41:46

any other pictures? Winston do we

1:41:49

have information about him? Is there a video? We

1:41:51

are holding off until round two to get

1:41:53

information Oh Give

1:41:56

him a number rating. We're gonna do a video of

1:41:58

why they think they're ugly Okay, all right,

1:42:00

so let's go to the video. We want to get

1:42:02

a little bit of their personality. Okay, it's not great.

1:42:05

All right. Are those bugs? I think

1:42:07

it's definitely dangerous, like dry scalp. That's psoriasis.

1:42:10

The video's him eating the bugs. Oh! Oh,

1:42:12

oh, oh! Why is he showing

1:42:14

us? That's because he wants to win! I mean,

1:42:16

fuck you. Why does he

1:42:19

have an open wound currently? Because he doesn't shower,

1:42:21

Jay. His glasses are too tight.

1:42:23