0:00

Oh hello everybody. Oh

0:03

it's Thursday or Friday, Saturday,

0:05

Sunday. It doesn't matter what day it is that you're listening to

0:07

this podcast, but it comes out every Thursday. And

0:09

this is Dear Chelsea and I'm Chelsea

0:12

hand Chop and this is my

0:14

co host, Catherine law Hi.

0:18

So much to report. Yes, oh

0:21

god, I had the best fucking weekend ever.

0:23

You've been on tour, like math, Oh my god,

0:25

it's been the best. I went to Albany, which

0:27

was awesome. I went to Boston. I

0:30

love Boston. Oh my god. The theater

0:32

was built in eighteen fifty four

0:34

that I performed in in Boston, and it felt

0:37

like it. I was sweating

0:39

through my jumpsuit. I had to throw away my underwear

0:41

after the show I threw I walked off

0:43

stage at the Orpheum Theater in Boston.

0:46

First of all, one of the best crowds ever. I've

0:48

had so many great crowds on this tour. And

0:51

I just love performing in Boston because I'm an East

0:53

Coaster and I'm from the Vineyard,

0:55

and I just, you know, all of those places feel

0:57

like home to me. And I walked off

0:59

stage and into what seemed

1:02

like a prison shower at the Orpheum Theater

1:04

just and I threw my underwear and my bra and the

1:06

garbage. I just was like, these two have seen

1:08

their this is it and

1:11

uh. And then I did two shows of the Beacon,

1:13

which were epic because the first

1:15

show I had Sarah Cooper,

1:18

who you know that great girls who did all those trumpet

1:22

and then I had Amy Schumer

1:24

and Sarah Silverman come in to do surprise

1:27

sets, which was the crowd

1:29

went nuts. And my

1:31

crowds, I have to say everyone at

1:33

my shows Saturday and Sunday at the Beacon,

1:36

all the comics that performed were like, Chelsea,

1:38

you have the best crowds. Amy

1:41

said it, Sarah said it. I had Matteo

1:43

Lane, who's this incredible comic. If you

1:45

don't know him, please try and find him on Instagram

1:47

Mateo Lane. He's so funny. Hopefully

1:50

I'll have him when I announced more dates, I

1:52

had rosebud Baker and then Sarah Cooper again

1:54

Sunday night. My crowds are the best crowds

1:56

and they were in the best mood and I'm my family

1:59

was there. I had so many friends there and

2:01

we just crushed it. It was just one of those

2:03

great weekends. So we justin

2:05

ounced more tour dates in Canada and

2:07

the Pacific Northwest. We're coming to Seattle,

2:10

We're coming to Eugene and Portland

2:12

and Winnipeg and Vancouver and

2:15

Toronto and all of those places.

2:17

So please look at Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets.

2:20

And I'm gonna bring Joe Koy

2:22

to my Florida dates, so

2:25

we will have some Joe Koy Chelsea

2:27

Handler duo action in Jacksonville

2:31

Jacksonville, Florida, and

2:33

we're going to Orlando, Miami, and St. Petersburg,

2:35

So please look at my website by

2:37

your tickets. This tour has been awesome.

2:40

I'm crushing it and I usually

2:42

don't say that about myself, but I'm gonna because I fucking

2:44

ad and it's a message that everyone

2:46

needs to hear right now. And my

2:49

thirty day alcohol clans is, Oh,

2:54

I'm a couple of days really,

2:56

because I started a few days after you. You were like

2:58

four days in or something. How have you

3:01

felt on it? Okay, I'm not. It

3:03

was easy for the first couple of weeks, and then once

3:05

I got to New York City and I was I was staying

3:08

in New York, like between my weekends where I go

3:10

on the road and Joe goes on the road, so we meet up.

3:12

The last two weeks we've met up in New York. Going

3:15

to New York and going out to restaurants was the most

3:17

challenging for me because that's where I wanted Margarita

3:19

right. I wanted Margarita no salt and

3:22

I and that was very difficult.

3:25

But Joe is so great because he doesn't care about

3:27

drinking, so it didn't matter,

3:30

so it was easy to be with him. So we

3:32

started ordering non alcoholic beers

3:34

and now I'm addicted to non alcoholic beer. Class

3:37

Tower is my favorite. But I went into

3:39

one place and they had the Heideken zero and

3:42

they handed to us, handed it to us,

3:44

and I was like jones ing by the time, I like

3:47

the third day of non alcoholic beer. Once I was introduced

3:49

to it, I was like, oh wait. I was like,

3:51

I need out alcoholic beer right now. Joe,

3:54

let's go. And He's like, oh my god, you're

3:56

such a non alcoholic alcoholic. And

3:59

they served us a Heineken zero and

4:02

it was warm, and I

4:04

just I said, we have to go right now, and I

4:06

just left a hundred bucks on the table and we departed.

4:08

I was like, I'm already struggling.

4:11

So it was the last week that was the hardest. I

4:13

broke it. Last night after my show at the Beacon,

4:15

I went out with Matteo, Lane, and Alana

4:18

Glazier from Broad City. She was

4:20

at my show, love her and Matteo

4:23

and his friend Dorian, and

4:25

we had an apperall sprits at

4:27

dinner. I had to lovely, Lovely.

4:30

I've been feeling the same way like

4:33

after week two. It was harder, and

4:35

I kept sort of waiting for what everybody talks about,

4:37

like and I just felt so inspired

4:39

and wonderful and no hangovers and all

4:41

this stuff. I kept waiting for that, but I just found

4:44

myself being very bored in the evenings and

4:46

very boring. I found myself to be

4:48

boring, Like people come on the road

4:50

in the openers. I have different girls coming

4:53

to different cities, and I think they think, like

4:55

it's going to be this party afterwards,

4:57

We're gonna go to drink, And I was like, I

4:59

go to my room and FaceTime with my boyfriend, and

5:01

now that's my life and I have I

5:04

have no social skills without alcohol, Like

5:06

I mean, I do, but you have to. It's a

5:08

hurdle. Like going out without drinking

5:11

is like do I really want to do that to myself.

5:13

I'd rather just go home and be by

5:15

myself, so there's no pressure to socialize,

5:18

you know. And Plus when I'm starting my

5:20

tours, I liked, well this store. I wanted to be really

5:22

focused, and I kept running into

5:24

people that had done a thirty day cleanse, like

5:26

my hair stylist Ben Scriven in New

5:28

York. He was like, oh, I I

5:31

took January sober January, and

5:33

then it led to ten more months and

5:35

I was like, oh, is that going to happen to me? Am

5:37

I going to be a sneaky sober person? And

5:40

then I was like no, no, you can't do that, Chelsea, Like

5:42

that is not your personality. So I

5:44

think it has to be accumulative.

5:46

Like I think people get to a month and then they do

5:48

another month and then you start to feel so

5:50

incredible, but like month three, I

5:52

don't have that kind of time. Another

5:54

thing that happened was that I was eating whatever

5:57

the funk I wanted to do or wanted

5:59

to and that was

6:01

counter active to my no alcohol

6:04

right. The one thing I did notice is that

6:06

my skin and my face was

6:08

tight, like is tight. It got

6:10

tight and everyone was going, oh my god, your

6:12

skin is so incredible. That could also be

6:15

because I'm in love. It could also be because I'm

6:17

getting penetrated on a regular basis.

6:19

But there is a definite component

6:21

about you know, alcohol does aide you. That's not

6:24

deniable. I mean, but

6:26

yeah, I I'm glad to be done with it. I'm

6:28

gonna have a drink tonight. We're gonna go out to dinner

6:31

with Joe and his son and his ex

6:33

wife and her friend, and I'm planning

6:35

on having a stiff drink. It's

6:37

a night for a drink. Yeah,

6:40

And I think I'll just I think

6:42

I'll probably taper off my drinking a little

6:44

bit. I mean, it was already a lot less than I had

6:46

been. But I do like being

6:48

clear and on stage. I don't like having

6:50

alcohol in my system or

6:53

around when I'm when I'm performing. Yeah,

6:55

I would imagine it sort of slows you down and makes

6:57

you a little more sluggish on stage. Sluggish.

6:59

And I'll so, Yeah, Like I like sharpness.

7:02

I want to be quick and I want to be sharp and I want

7:04

to know what the hell I'm doing so that I'm in

7:06

complete control of the situation. Right.

7:09

So, I luckily, at the age tender age of forty

7:11

six, I've realized how to do stand up. What

7:14

are you planning on having as your first drink? I

7:17

think it's gonna be champagne.

7:20

But one of the other things that happened at some point

7:22

during this experiment, like there was a night

7:24

where I woke up in

7:26

the morning and felt like I had a hangover. Like

7:29

if I had had a drink the night before, I would have been like, wow,

7:31

I got a hangover from one drink. That happened

7:33

to me too, did it. Yeah, every morning that I

7:35

was on the road, I woke up and felt hung over, And

7:37

I'm like, this is very unfair, because god

7:39

forbid I was drinking. How the funk would I have felt? I wouldn't

7:42

have been. And the schedules when you're when you're on

7:44

the road, like you take four hour car drives.

7:46

It's a fucking racket. And you know,

7:48

it takes a lot of energy to be on stage for an hour

7:51

and a half or however long I do, usually

7:53

like an hour, ten twenty minutes, but

7:55

it takes a lot. Then with alcohol just

7:57

compounds the situation. So

8:00

I was like, Oh, if I feel hungover without

8:02

alcohol, what is alcohol going to add

8:04

to the mix. So that's very frustrating,

8:07

but I felt that way too. Yeah, but I

8:09

think it's going to be champagne. Champagne is

8:11

the thing, Okay, Yeah, well I can't

8:13

enjoy that. I also don't want to minimize

8:16

that people do have real struggles with alcohol.

8:18

Clearly we're joking about it, but I know a lot of our

8:20

listeners have a lot of issues with

8:22

substances, and so please don't

8:24

you know, I don't want you to feel disrespected

8:27

or not heard. I think having

8:29

it be this easy to take a break

8:31

is a reason to take a break from

8:33

alcohol. If it is difficult to take a break,

8:36

then you probably have something

8:38

to talk about, you know, And you should take a

8:40

break if it feels like you can't. But

8:42

I know that people sometimes have to take

8:45

a break and sometimes they have to stop.

8:47

So you and I are clearly

8:50

just taking a break. And yeah, and

8:52

that was, honestly one of the things that motivated me

8:54

to not quit in the middle

8:56

is because I thought to myself,

8:58

well, if I can't do the default days, then

9:01

that means something to me, and maybe

9:03

there is an issue with that because

9:05

I enjoyed drinking, but it was kind

9:07

of a nice refresher to see how

9:09

I function without it and kind

9:11

of take the temperature on that. Yeah, see how I

9:13

functioned without it? Yeah, exactly because I said

9:15

to Joe, I got I have no social skills. He goes,

9:17

Honey, you can't say that if you don't drink,

9:19

you have no social skills. I'm like, no, I haven't

9:22

had social skills since the pandemic, and not drinking

9:25

is really making me realize it. But

9:28

we all are lacking in social skills right now.

9:30

You know, we're all just gonna be a little weird. There's

9:33

a lot of gaps and conversations where there were

9:35

none before. Let's just put it that way.

9:37

Yes, absolutely, And by the way, you know what,

9:40

I've got so many d ms on Instagram of people

9:42

who were joining us in the in the on the clans.

9:44

They were like, you've inspired me to take thirty days off.

9:47

I got a girl that said she took thirty days off. She's

9:49

moving on to another month because she feels so great.

9:51

So to all of the people that DM me who are

9:53

listening to this. I see your messages and

9:56

I'm really excited that we're able to kind

9:58

of do this stuff together because it's so helpful

10:01

to do something like this and no other people are doing

10:03

it with you, you know, Yeah, have you? Has

10:05

your husband done it too? Um, he's

10:07

sort of done it. He

10:10

drank a lot less, we'll put it that way.

10:13

You know. Our love runs deep, So yeah, you're running

10:16

and even deeper now because you guys have been

10:18

watching Sex, Love

10:20

and Gool. Which brings us to

10:22

our next guests. And she's a

10:25

very exciting guest. But we have to

10:27

take an ad break. Oh, we'll be right back.

10:29

Okay. Sounds good. Okay,

10:33

So I'm going to go ahead and introduce our guest

10:35

for today, who is a dear friend of mine.

10:37

I love her so much. She's an actress. She's an entrepreneur

10:39

and CEO and founder

10:41

of Goop,

10:44

Gwyneth Paltrow. Her show is

10:47

Sex, Love and Goop. It premiers Thursday,

10:49

October one, which means you can catch

10:51

it today. It's a new six part

10:53

series on Netflix, and

10:55

I am very excited to introduce

10:58

my friend Gunnet. Hello. Oh

11:01

hello, call her

11:03

go ahead, caller,

11:06

caller, are you there? It's meet Chelsea callor

11:08

Esther. Are you there? Is

11:10

that you? We see you? Baby? I see you? Can

11:13

you see me? You look beautiful? Oh

11:15

honey, not as beautiful as you? Hi?

11:17

Hi, Hi, Hi? Where

11:19

are you? I just got to l A.

11:21

We're in a studio in l A. This is my co host,

11:24

Katherine. She's my producer on this podcast.

11:27

She will be joining us.

11:29

Nice to meet you,

11:32

Gwyneth. Let's get right into it. Okay, Yeah,

11:34

I would like to start with a you just

11:37

came out with a new vibrator that was

11:39

very exciting for everybody to

11:41

find out about, because you've been at the forefront

11:43

of celebrities embracing

11:46

their sex lives and discussing

11:50

all the kind of taboo subjects that everybody

11:53

in our industry seems to be very shy

11:55

about. So as I was reading this quote

11:57

about you, it sounded a lot about like a quote

11:59

about out me. It says Gwyneth has

12:01

always pushed uncomfortable topics

12:03

forward and been an advocate for normalizing

12:06

the conversation around female pleasure.

12:09

And I thought, what a great thing to be an advocate

12:11

for female pleasure.

12:14

And I know from our own friendship forgive

12:16

me when I call her Esther listeners. I called Gwyneth

12:19

Esther and she calls me YELSEI because we have

12:21

a history together and those are

12:23

our nicknames from a long time ago. And

12:26

I'm not really even sure why, but we've stuck

12:28

with it. I know, why,

12:32

tell me? Why do you remember? Why? Yeah,

12:34

but I'll tell I'll tell you, Okay. It

12:36

sounds like an ex boyfriend that I'm not just supposed to

12:38

mention anyway, both

12:42

it's a double penetration ex boyfriend. We're

12:44

not supposed to mention. But

12:46

we have had very candid conversations about

12:48

sex, you and I have, and

12:51

and I have to say, you know, growing up

12:53

and knowing of Gwyneth, and before I

12:55

knew her personally, I had an idea

12:57

about you and I had a not

12:59

a judgment, I want to say, but I just thought,

13:02

wow, yeah,

13:04

I know I didn't eat you, but I

13:07

just definitely thought you were very patrician.

13:09

That's the right word, right, patrician, which

13:11

isn't to say that you aren't. But when I did get

13:13

to know you, one of the things the most endearing

13:16

qualities about you is how open

13:19

you are about sex, and how open

13:21

you are about everything really

13:24

and I remember talking about our sex lives,

13:26

and we were we had a very kind of candid

13:28

conversation with a bunch of people around, and

13:30

I just thought, oh, this is this

13:33

is more freeing. And you were

13:35

more free than I was at that point,

13:37

which I thought, Oh, how ironic. I'm

13:40

known as this person who's outspoken and

13:42

says everything, and yet you were so much more

13:44

easily able to discuss kind

13:47

of the the taboos of things like

13:49

you know, vibrators and different kinds

13:51

of sex, and what turns you on and what turns

13:53

you off, and and all of the things that go

13:56

into the melting pot of being so attracted

13:58

to somebody and building on out attraction through

14:01

trust and through kind of self exploration

14:04

and everything that encompasses being a whole,

14:07

more full person. Would you

14:09

say that you were always that way? I think so,

14:11

you know, I mean I tend to be I guess a little

14:13

more circumspect,

14:17

but you know, like in public, but when I'm

14:19

with my girlfriends, as you know, like

14:21

I just I just want

14:23

to go there, like I want to know

14:26

what is in everybody's way, what are the

14:28

friction points? Like what is

14:30

everybody up against? Can we

14:33

peel off some layers of stuff,

14:35

Like I'm so fascinated by what makes

14:37

us all tick and the

14:40

things that we're honest about and not honest about,

14:42

and what our blind spots are. And I think,

14:44

like the conversation around sex with your women

14:46

friends, it's such a fascinating one because it's

14:49

like this microcosm of their lives where

14:51

like they think they're talking about sex, but

14:53

they're talking about everything right there,

14:55

talking about all insecurities

14:58

or you know, patterns that come

15:01

up, like it's all right there. And so I just

15:03

find it like a really fascinating

15:05

topic. And when do you think that you

15:07

came into your kind of sexual

15:09

awareness, Like when do you think what age

15:12

were you when you really started to understand yourself

15:14

and your wants sexually, because obviously

15:17

it's a moving target for many

15:19

of us. Exactly Well, I think you said

15:21

it perfectly, and I think it's still a moving

15:23

target, and I think forever it's an exploration.

15:26

And you know, recently,

15:28

I've started to think, I don't know if you feel

15:30

this way, but I feel like there's so much

15:33

programming that happens implicitly

15:36

from the time we're young, especially our generation,

15:38

about what good girls do and don't do.

15:41

And so therefore, if

15:44

you have a thought that's maybe outside the box,

15:46

or if you want to do something that's outside the box,

15:48

I think you're conditioned to think there's something wrong

15:51

with you, or you know, you're

15:53

weird or whatever. And I think

15:55

a couple of things. I think, first of all, I've

15:57

had sort of chapters in my life where

15:59

I've felt very close to myself

16:02

sexually and like accepting myself

16:04

sexually, and then chapters of my life where I've felt

16:06

really far away from myself, and

16:10

I don't know. I think the idea that like,

16:12

I would just love it if we could

16:14

all give ourselves the space to be like,

16:16

well, let you know, let me just explore

16:18

what this what what this thought is, or

16:20

what this feels like, as opposed to

16:23

constantly putting it in a context of

16:25

like shame or it

16:27

was bad because I didn't get what I want, or

16:30

like just like what if we started to open

16:32

up a little bit and talk about it's

16:34

really hard, Like have you, you

16:36

know, been with a partner and said, well, you're a

16:38

different case because you're very forthright.

16:41

But I think to say, like that doesn't

16:43

feel good, or I would really love it if

16:45

you tried this, Like, it's just really

16:47

hard for women to say. I want to say that. It's

16:49

hard even for me to say. Everyone thinks that I

16:52

have like no idea. It is hard

16:54

for me to say. You know, I I've recently

16:56

been talking about blow jobs

16:58

because that was something that I thought was degrading. I

17:00

really did. I grew. I went in high school. I

17:03

had a guy. The first time I tried to give a blowjob,

17:05

he put his hand on the back of my head, and

17:07

I thought, get that buck off of me,

17:10

like, you are never allowed to touch me again.

17:12

And so for so many years I

17:14

was so kind of traumatized

17:16

by that one incident that I thought blow jobs

17:19

equated degradation, like

17:21

that was demoralizing and

17:23

and that wasn't That wasn't a girl that respected

17:25

herself. And now that I'm in love with

17:27

somebody, I want to give blow jobs

17:30

to him. I want to put his hand on the

17:32

back of my head. I'm like, yes, yes,

17:34

Like I've never felt more

17:36

inclined to want to put someone's penis

17:39

in my mouth than I do with somebody that I

17:41

deeply, deeply love. And

17:43

I get it now. I just paused

17:45

to say, is this this is the same guy from

17:47

summer. Yes, yes, Joe Coy is his name.

17:50

He's my game, he's my lover.

17:52

So psyched because I thought when we were having

17:54

dinner in the summer, I was like this, really, this really

17:57

sounds promising, like you were talking about it's on baby.

18:00

Never heard you talk about

18:02

a dude, So this is great. It's on baby, and

18:04

you're going to meet him at some point and he cannot

18:06

and he has given me because I because

18:09

there is a deep love and a deep respect.

18:11

There is an intimacy there that I have never

18:13

experienced before. So when you talk

18:15

about saying to somebody, hey, when they're

18:17

rubbing the side of your labia instead of

18:19

your clatorus and we just sit

18:21

there and pretend that that's acceptable

18:24

and fake and orgasm, I've come

18:26

to a point in my life where I'm like, no, honey, move

18:28

your hand over here. This is where this is

18:31

and that level of intimacy where you can

18:33

say to somebody, hey, this is what I like,

18:35

this is what I want to try. Let's try. This is

18:38

something that that is the definition of

18:40

intimacy. I agree with you completely,

18:42

and I just want to acknowledge that it

18:45

is really a vulnerable conversation

18:47

in a hard conversation for I think especially

18:49

women to have and especially younger women especially.

18:52

You know, it's like you look around in this generation and the

18:54

messages they're being told about sex,

18:57

and it's like they have to be fuckable, and

19:00

you know, it's like I worry so much about

19:03

the messages they're getting about who they're supposed

19:05

to be sexually. So that's

19:08

kind of like why I wanted to do the show

19:10

so badly, because I thought it would be so nice to have some

19:12

counter programming to all of that, you

19:15

know, and to show what happens in an intimate

19:17

relationship when there are when there are problems,

19:19

when problems arise, and

19:21

and the level of communication

19:24

that's needed and bravery, you know, to

19:26

counteract some of that. I just get very

19:28

disturbed by by what I see and

19:30

in the popular culture in terms of what

19:32

what a girl is supposed to look like and

19:34

therefore be like do you know what I mean? Yeah?

19:37

Absolutely? And I think the new show

19:39

you have coming out, which is on Netflix, I think it streams

19:42

today, correct, Yes, it drops today,

19:45

comes out. It drips it drip drops today.

19:47

It's called sex Love and Goop.

19:50

And this is an exploration of five

19:52

couples that are seeking ways to

19:54

be more intimate and have a stronger kind

19:57

of sexual relationship,

20:00

stronger intimacy, and a

20:02

stronger understanding really of

20:06

of what it means to be there for your partner

20:08

and what it means to ask for

20:10

what you want, which is what we're all about,

20:12

because I think this applies to everything

20:15

in a woman's life. Asking for what we want

20:17

is sometimes the last thing we're able to do. And

20:20

so if you can apply this, I think it always

20:22

starts at home. If you can apply it to your relationship,

20:24

you're able to apply it to the world, You're able to apply

20:27

it to your career, and so on and so on.

20:29

And Catherine, you were telling me that

20:31

you guys were watching it with your husband.

20:33

I watched it with my husband, and one

20:36

thing I found so amazing was literally

20:39

ten minutes in, like ten minutes in we

20:41

were pausing a show. We were like talking

20:43

about things that we we've never talked

20:45

about, and not just about sex, but about relationships.

20:48

And and I mean I learned I've been with

20:50

him for sixteen years, and I learned

20:52

stuff about him I never knew. So

20:55

it was this wonderful experience to watch together

20:57

and discover new things about

20:59

each other other. It was really cool. I'm

21:02

so happy about that. Yeah, do

21:04

you want? Would you and Brad watch it together and

21:06

discover new things about yourselves? Gwyneth,

21:08

we haven't watched it together. He

21:11

hasn't seen it yet. You know. It's like when you're

21:14

editing a show and you're just in the computer

21:16

with headphones on. But I'm looking forward to watching

21:19

it with him. I want to say, like, your relationship

21:21

with each other has been so inspiring to watch,

21:23

because the two of you really had

21:26

a really beautiful friendship that

21:29

developed into a love ship and

21:31

developed into a marriage. And for a long time,

21:33

you guys didn't even live together. I'm

21:36

still not even convinced you really do now because

21:39

we do. But what

21:41

do you think that added to your relationship

21:44

by remaining independent

21:46

but together. Well, it's interesting

21:48

because the reason that we

21:50

we got we were together for a long time and

21:53

we never we didn't live together, and then we got married

21:55

and we decided let's just wait

21:57

another year before we move in. And

21:59

the consciousness behind that was really like,

22:01

let's just let the kids kind of settle

22:05

into this energetic body of

22:07

like a marriage and a family, and

22:09

and I think for that year it was funny

22:12

because in the years before it

22:14

was nice to have that time.

22:16

It's like, oh, tonight is like my night with Brad.

22:18

I'm so excited, and now tonight

22:20

he's with his kids, and oh my god. Fun I get to

22:22

have a girl's dinner or I get

22:24

to like drink wine in the bath

22:27

and then dance around like a lunatic like and

22:29

I was like, this is great, this is so fun

22:31

because we get the best of both worlds. And then interestingly,

22:34

if once we got married, I really

22:36

really missed him and and

22:38

it was like it felt like, gosh,

22:40

I really wish we lived. It felt like we should

22:43

be living under the same roof. And so by the time

22:45

he moved in, it was really I had a lot

22:47

of longing and I was so excited about

22:49

it. Oh that's so sweet,

22:51

and he's so sweet too. Yeah,

22:54

yeah, I think that's And also dating

22:56

is so much sexier, Like the longer you could

22:59

prolong that experience with somebody,

23:01

I think the sexterior relationship becomes

23:03

you know. I I love to think of the idea. When

23:05

people ask me if I'm gonna get married, I'm like, I would

23:08

just like to be engaged for a really long time

23:10

because I want to be with my boyfriend, not necessarily

23:12

my husband. But that's those are my

23:14

issues about what, you know, the construct of marriage

23:17

and all that bullshit, which is irrelevant for

23:19

this. But I will say, like if you kind

23:21

of take the modern

23:23

version of marriage out of it, or like the patriarchical

23:26

version of marriage, and it's like and you kind of

23:28

go back to some other thing

23:30

of like a real commitment to someone, like

23:32

something cool does happen. You'll see

23:34

it's like this. It is

23:37

like this entity that you guys create.

23:39

It's this very cool thing. I

23:41

mean, you know what I'm talking about. Because you've been

23:43

married for sixteen years, right, Yeah, I think

23:46

there is an energetic shift

23:48

you don't expect with that. Like we

23:51

got married very young, and years

23:53

later when our friends started getting married, they

23:55

were like, nothing's going to change. We've been living

23:57

together. It's just a piece of paper. And

24:00

every time there was a shift,

24:02

and it was either for the better or for

24:05

the worst, like some people thought

24:07

about things that they had never fought about or

24:09

just had different expectations of each other. But there

24:12

is some shift that happens. Yeah,

24:14

because you're teaming up and it's a partnership,

24:17

you know, and a lot of people, I think

24:19

also think that marriage is going to solve you know.

24:21

Conversely, I think many people think marriage

24:23

is going to solve a lot of the issues that they may have. So

24:26

that's why this show is so well. It's always

24:28

been timely, but timelier now I think because

24:30

people are open more open to having these kind

24:32

of deeper, intimate conversations

24:34

about what they're feeling. I forget the

24:36

couple's name, but the woman who talks about unclenching

24:39

in one of the episodes, and I was like,

24:41

oh my god, unclenching. I'm

24:43

like, do I do that? And I think I

24:45

might, And how she said, I realize

24:47

I've been clenched for so long

24:50

and just had this incredible emotional experience

24:52

through that she she and

24:55

her partner, and there was Erica and Damon, I

24:57

believe, and I mean they both

24:59

had these basically like touching the face

25:01

of God experiences. I

25:03

feel like the energetic orgasm that Damon

25:05

had, and and her experience with

25:07

unclenching and letting herself be freer,

25:10

and and the body shame that went with some of

25:12

the assumptions that she made about her body

25:14

because of what partners had said in the past. And

25:17

I mean, yeah, that's something that I think all women

25:19

can relate to. You know, I had a boyfriend who told me my

25:21

boobs were too big, and then I went on a

25:23

topless rampage for six years after

25:25

we broke up to prove to myself that my boobs

25:28

were just perfect and they were for me. But

25:30

he had given me a complex about it

25:32

for so long at that I was

25:34

like, by the time I got away from him, on like freedom,

25:37

You know, I should embrace these boobs. They're mine,

25:39

They're natural, they're big and bountiful,

25:41

and I should love them. So yeah, I think

25:43

a lot of people shame us into thinking about

25:45

our bodies. I know, Gwyneth, you and I have had

25:48

this conversation about past boyfriends making comments

25:50

about parts of our bodies and carrying

25:52

it with you for so long, and

25:54

what that does to our self esteem and self

25:56

worth. Absolutely, and

25:59

if you take that, which is I think the

26:01

most painful, because you know, you're at

26:03

your most vulnerable when you're in an intimate relationship

26:06

with somebody, and if they take that opportunity

26:09

to hurt you even

26:11

if they're joking, it

26:14

cuts so deep in that context.

26:16

And yeah, it's funny, Like I've had stuff that

26:19

stayed with me for a really long time, like you little

26:21

comments here and there, and

26:24

that's what I loved. Someone there's one expert in the

26:26

show named Amina, and she does this exercise

26:29

with this woman where she disrobes

26:32

and she kind of just like looks at her body

26:34

naked, and it's this exercise

26:36

and acceptance. I thought it was really powerful

26:39

because I was like, oh

26:41

my god, you know the way that we

26:44

look at our bodies through this insane

26:46

under a microscopic lens of everything

26:49

that's wrong, and I was like, we have got

26:51

to stop doing that. It's so I

26:53

think it hurts us in so many ways, you know.

26:56

I think it it affects how you can report

26:58

yourself in the world, how you relate to herself sexually.

27:00

It's like and then you know, you take something

27:02

like that, and then you take social media and

27:05

how we're all supposed to look and it's like, by the

27:07

end of the day, how can you feel

27:09

good about yourself? Right? I said this gun

27:11

last week's podcast, but I was talking about Joe my

27:13

my lover, and I was saying how I was.

27:15

I was in my Orka and I was looking at my arms

27:18

like, go oh, honey, I think I have like cellulate on my arm.

27:20

Now what is going on? And he said, honey,

27:22

cellulate is the sexiest thing in the world. That's

27:24

what makes a woman a woman. And I'm

27:26

like, oh my god, I have to write that fucking down.

27:29

I mean, every woman needs

27:31

to hear that. That is what makes a

27:33

woman a woman. On that note,

27:36

yeah, thank you. On that note, Let's

27:39

take some callers Gwyne's So what people are

27:41

gonna call in ask us some questions. We're

27:43

going to give our best advice to them and help

27:45

them. This is the best.

27:47

It's such a fun podcast. I love it well.

27:50

Our first question comes from mel

27:53

in Vancouver. She's thirty

27:55

four. She says, Dear Chelsea,

27:57

I've been dating a tall, dark and handsome attawel

28:00

I in Man for almost two years. He's

28:02

forty nine and I'm thirty four. Everything

28:04

about him is great except one giant problem.

28:07

I feel like he's the child I never wanted.

28:09

He doesn't do anything for himself. If

28:12

I wasn't in his life, he would never do laundry

28:14

or cook a meal and because of this, our sex life

28:16

is non existent. In the beginning, it was okay,

28:18

and now nothing. He's financially

28:21

stable, has two great kids, and wants all the

28:23

same things I want out of life. But if

28:25

he can't start taking care of me in the ways I need

28:28

sexually and emotionally, I think I need

28:30

to leave. I would say I

28:32

would agree with that. You're not his housekeeper.

28:35

I mean that isn't fun or hot, so

28:38

so I mean you that's going to take care of itself

28:40

anyway, because as long as somebody's not

28:43

turning you on or looking after you in a way

28:45

that makes you feel cared for, you're

28:47

gonna lose your boner for that relationship,

28:50

right. And I felt like this question was so similar

28:53

to Rama and felicitas who are in sex

28:55

love and Goup, where he was blindsided

28:58

when she all of a sudden was like, you know what, I

29:00

think I want a divorce and he didn't know anything

29:02

was wrong, but they had this dynamic

29:04

where he was childlike

29:06

and she would sort of condescend to him,

29:08

but he needed so much from her. It was just very

29:11

uneven. Yeah, yeah,

29:13

no, reciproc I would say, she's

29:15

not she's not married. And

29:18

they don't have kids. It's like the old

29:20

adage when someone shows you who they

29:22

are, believe them. It's like he's not going to all

29:24

of a sudden one day start taking

29:27

care of himself and her And right,

29:29

I mean, I don't. I think it's unless

29:32

I don't know if they've exhausted all possibilities

29:34

and if they've had therapy and stuff like that.

29:36

But that sounds like he

29:39

needs to to resolve some things,

29:41

needs to resolve some things. And yeah, obviously

29:43

you want to explore the idea of talking

29:46

to a professional who can help him understand

29:48

that that's not a contributing factor

29:50

to a great sex life or to a long term

29:52

relationship because you're playing a motherly

29:55

role and while that's fine in

29:57

moments, it's not fine as your

29:59

entire a relationship. That's not your role.

30:02

If you haven't gone to therapy, please try

30:04

that first so that he can become a little bit

30:06

more self aware, because maybe he just doesn't understand

30:09

and the only relationships he's been in were

30:11

with his mother and then possibly a wife

30:13

who did that for him. So you have

30:15

to make it clear that this situation

30:18

is something that you're not going to be on

30:20

board with and then you

30:22

know, everyone is capable of change

30:24

at a certain point in their lives, and love

30:26

will do that to you. It will make you want to change.

30:28

So I wouldn't say that

30:31

there's no hope for him. I would just say make

30:33

sure that you find out quickly whether there is or

30:35

not. Chelsea's more optimistic than I when

30:38

it seems down about that. Sorry, yeah,

30:40

sorry, color anyway, good luck and report

30:42

back. Let us know what happens. Yes, yes,

30:45

please. Our next

30:47

question comes from Rose. She is

30:49

a pharmacist. I'm a Pharmacist's

30:52

funny. I'm actually a pharmacological

30:54

into it, so that's that's

30:57

different. Now.

31:00

She was potentially going to come and

31:02

call in and talk to us, but her

31:05

almost husband decided that he did

31:07

not want her to do that. I actually asked him to join

31:09

as well, because I thought this would be a really beneficial conversation

31:11

to have with the two of them. But here's her issue.

31:14

Dear Chelsea, my husband. They're

31:16

getting married this week. Actually, my

31:18

husband has always played lots of video games,

31:21

but he's turning thirty this year, and I think it's time

31:23

he shifted his priorities. He's been

31:25

in dead end jobs for the last ten years

31:27

and keep saying he'll go back to school or learn

31:29

new skills. I have a doctorate degree in

31:31

a stable job. However, when it comes

31:33

to taking action, he devotes almost eight

31:35

to ten hours a day to playing video

31:38

games. I feel guilty making

31:40

him spend time with me, and even when we

31:42

spend time together, he's on his phone chatting

31:44

or reading about video games. How do I

31:46

get him to focus on our future? More? Rows

31:49

Gwyneth, Why don't you take the lead on this?

31:51

I mean, I think that he's using video

31:54

games as as an excuse to

31:57

avoid life and

31:59

looking it himself, and intimacy

32:02

and and just about everything Like this

32:04

is a real red flag.

32:06

I mean I would somebody who

32:09

is disengaging to this point

32:11

and not meeting their partner's needs to this point,

32:13

and choosing not to

32:15

be in a partnership over a video game.

32:18

I I personally think like if

32:21

they're about to get married, I would crash

32:23

in an emergency therapy session.

32:26

Yeah. I would also like to say

32:28

that not only is that this is several red

32:30

flags. Eight to nine hours a day

32:33

playing video games, It's an

32:35

unacceptable way to spend your and where

32:37

does he work? Like I don't understand who has

32:39

time to play eight to nine hours of video games.

32:41

I spoke with him. He's kind of like a like a gig

32:43

worker type of thing. Okay, well that's

32:45

great, but he has to develop some other interests that

32:47

involve his potential wife. And

32:50

if they're getting married this weekend, I mean, this is

32:52

this is sad because no, I don't

32:54

think she should be getting married to somebody this weekend

32:56

who she feels guilty to

32:59

ask to. She feels guilty when

33:01

she asked him to spend time with her. Is heartbreaking.

33:04

You should never feel that way about your partner, and

33:06

certainly not over video

33:08

games. But there's an addiction here,

33:11

right, This is not just like I'm playing

33:13

video games he is. There's an addiction

33:15

issue for sure, and people

33:18

use addictive behavior as a way to enops

33:21

the ties bad or sad

33:23

or hard feelings. Like he needs to go and

33:25

look at what he's trying to avoid

33:28

feeling. Yeah, and he's probably not going to be

33:30

very open to that conversation in his current

33:32

state. So I mean, I would

33:34

hate to say something as dramatic as postponing the

33:36

marriage, but I mean, in my my instinct

33:39

tells me that that's exactly what you should do, because

33:42

it sounds like you're going to be making a grave mistake

33:44

without holding his feet to the fire before

33:47

you marry him, and allowing this behavior

33:49

and moving into a marriage while

33:52

he's doing this is sanctioning

33:54

that behavior and letting him think that

33:56

that's okay. So what is her name?

33:59

Rose? Was? I really I'm

34:01

sorry that you're dealing with this and going through

34:03

this, but I just want to tell you it's not acceptable

34:06

as a woman to another woman. This is not acceptable

34:09

and you deserve a lot more. And when you hold

34:11

hired standards, somebody will meet you

34:13

there. My parents always

34:15

said that quality time comes

34:18

with a quantity of time, So you don't

34:20

get that quality time just by like picking a time

34:22

for quality time. It happens when you have a

34:24

longer period of time with someone and you get those special

34:27

moments. And this just leaves

34:29

me thinking, how do they have any

34:31

level of intimacy when there's really

34:33

no time in his life for her? Like,

34:36

how do you keep an intimate relationship with that emotionally

34:39

or sexually at all. Yeah,

34:42

it's funny that you say that, because I was I was talking

34:44

to my friend about you know, ex husbands

34:46

and divorced dads, and how they come in hot,

34:49

you know, on the weekend, and they want to make that time

34:51

count, and it's like, you can't just do that.

34:53

It doesn't work that way. You can't pop in and

34:55

out like a pop up. It has to be prolonged

34:58

periods of time lead to those special

35:01

special exactly what you said, and you said

35:03

it beautifully, so I'll try not to butcher it

35:05

any further. Fuck Well,

35:08

our next question, we do have

35:10

a caller. This is Teresa.

35:13

Teresa says, Dear Chelsea, I'm

35:15

twenty six and in my first real relationship.

35:18

My boyfriend treats me right. He's so

35:20

kind, funny and thoughtful, respectful

35:23

and smart. I could really see him being the

35:25

one. The only issue is, for

35:27

the past three months, nearly every time

35:29

we try to have sex, he goes soft right

35:31

before we can actually have sex. I

35:34

will say, he's extremely talented

35:36

in other arenas, so much so that

35:38

it hasn't really bothered me that we haven't

35:40

fully had sex, But he gets

35:43

super worked up and in his head about it, which

35:45

just makes things worse. He lost a ton

35:47

of weight during quarantine, and his body image

35:49

issues are definitely contributing to the whole

35:52

thing. I just don't know how to help

35:54

without embarrassing him or making things worse.

35:56

What do I do? Teresa? Hi,

35:58

Teresa, Hi, so nice

36:01

to meet you. Thank you for having me. Hi

36:03

Teresa, Hi, great to meet you. Nice

36:06

to meet you too. This might be obvious,

36:08

but has he tried by agra or something

36:11

like that? So he hasn't, And I'm trying

36:13

to figure out the best way to kind of bring it up without

36:15

it damaging his self esteem more because

36:17

I know it's a very like tricky topic,

36:20

especially for guys. So I'm trying to figure out kind

36:22

of like the best way to have

36:24

that conversation, and he would be

36:26

open to it, I think. I mean, if

36:28

he's feeling terrible about not being able

36:31

to it feels to me like it's a

36:33

pretty easy conversation to have from that

36:36

place, right, like, Hey, this is

36:38

happening, I can see how upset

36:40

you are. Why don't we give this a

36:42

try? Like what's the worst it can happen? Yeah,

36:45

And I've mentioned that I'm open to it and like open

36:47

to whatever he wants to try. I think

36:49

he just needs like the push to do it. Even

36:51

though I've encouraged him to. So

36:53

I don't know, does you have any

36:56

trauma in his past? Like, does

36:58

he has? He explored it all. This might

37:00

be happening. He's mentioned just kind

37:02

of general self esteem issues.

37:04

So I think it's like since the first time when

37:07

it didn't happen, like he kept getting in

37:09

his head about it and then it just got worse and

37:11

worse. Oh, he needs to break the

37:13

cycle. He needs to pop a viagra, right

37:17

right, guys, Yeah, you know this happens

37:19

to so many people, by the way, just so you know,

37:21

and just so he knows. And I

37:23

know you're protecting his ego and you want to be careful

37:26

with him, but you're a team, right, You're on his side,

37:28

so it doesn't have to be emasculating and

37:30

it doesn't have to take his manhood

37:33

away to be like, Okay, listen, we have a slight

37:35

issue. Let's figure it out. Everything is workable.

37:37

You obviously love him, he loves you. And

37:40

I once got this shaky leg syndrome

37:43

right where all of a sudden, my legs started shaking

37:45

when I was on stage and that had never happened

37:47

to me. And I make a living by standing on stage

37:50

and talking so that was a real problem for me,

37:52

and I started taking beta

37:55

blockers and they said, okay, take them

37:57

for three weeks and then you'll just change

37:59

the neuropathway is the neural pathways

38:01

in your brain, and you remember not to send that

38:03

signal to your brain that you're nervous and

38:05

that your leg is shaking, and that's how it's presenting

38:07

itself. And once I

38:09

cut that out, like, I've never had that problem again.

38:11

This sounds analogous to that. Obviously

38:14

it's a separate issue, but it sounds kind of in the

38:16

same ballpark. There's probably plentiful

38:18

antidotes to this situation, whether

38:21

it's viagra, whether it's therapy,

38:23

whether it's him, you know, getting more comfortable

38:26

with his body. I think the first and foremost,

38:28

you just have to remind him in this conversation

38:30

that there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it's

38:32

concerning the two of you. You are a team.

38:35

You love him, and you're gonna be with him,

38:37

whether or not he could ever have sex again exactly.

38:40

Yeah, it doesn't matter. If he's so great in

38:42

other areas and then it really doesn't matter. But

38:44

he'll get past this and he

38:46

just has to be willing to kind of face it,

38:49

because before you can get past anything, you have to

38:51

face something. Yeah. I think he also doesn't

38:53

realize how common it is. I feel like guys that

38:55

probably don't talk about it, like the same white girls

38:58

talk about things, Yeah, because why would

39:00

they. Why would a guy be like, hey, I

39:02

lost my direction to last night. Can you believe like

39:04

that's not something to brag about? You

39:06

know, they're not on the SmartLess podcast with

39:08

Will Arnett saying I got soft last night.

39:10

No one is bragging about that. So

39:13

you have to be sensitive to why men are,

39:15

you know, are the way they are, and they

39:18

are so insecure about stuff. They don't talk

39:20

to each other about that stuff ever ever,

39:23

So I think it's just being more of a ballast

39:26

of support. It's always just showing people

39:28

that you're there for them when they're in their most

39:30

insecure phases, which is what he's going

39:32

through with his weight loss. That shifts

39:35

you know, your bio rhythm, your biology,

39:37

all of that stuff is affected. So

39:40

I wouldn't even think about this as a

39:42

serious issue, and I wouldn't

39:44

treat it as a serious issue. You

39:46

know, it's just something you guys are gonna deal with together

39:48

and figure out a way through. Yeah, I

39:50

agree, and that's how I've kind of been treating

39:52

it too. I think for him, he was worried about losing

39:55

me over it, even though I've assured him a million times

39:57

that, like, he's amazing and I love him and I

39:59

wouldn't change anything else about him.

40:01

So I'm very happy. That's really

40:03

sweet. And you know, we

40:06

all have our things that make

40:08

us holly imperfect, right,

40:11

It's like we're all human beings,

40:13

we all have problems, we all

40:15

have stuff, and it's like if he's an amazing

40:17

human being and this is the thing, and

40:20

you feel like you can get past it. And by the way,

40:22

as Chelsea said, there is totally hope.

40:24

That's amazing that you're able to prioritize

40:27

who he is as a person over everything else.

40:29

And he's good at other things. So I'm having

40:32

a good time. Yeah, we got it, you like when he

40:34

goes down on you, we got it loud ready,

40:36

we got it, And we're happy for you. And

40:39

he's lucky to have you. Yes, well,

40:41

thank you, and Docoy

40:43

is lucky to have you. I'm very happy for you, Chelsea.

40:46

Thanks Teresa, thank you so much.

40:49

It's so nice. Thank you, thank you. Oh

40:52

she's so cute. Yeah.

40:54

This brings me back to like Darshana

40:57

and Camille, who were a nice lesbian

40:59

cup ball on sex, Love and

41:01

Goop. And what I thought was

41:03

so interesting is that one of them

41:06

had issues with penetration, which

41:08

you know, is so similar to this situation.

41:11

But it came back to that religious

41:13

trauma that she had gone through,

41:16

and the relaxation exercises

41:18

they did, the like hands on sexual

41:21

therapy that they did, really helped.

41:23

But I mean it truly for her

41:26

was it was all in her head and

41:28

getting past that really opened up so

41:30

many new avenues for them. And I think that's an

41:32

important salient point to drive home

41:34

for this series for Gwyneth, because it

41:37

is we all, especially

41:39

as women, are so in

41:41

our heads about how, you

41:45

know, think about hooking up with somebody for the

41:47

first time or getting to know somebody and thinking

41:49

about the way that you present your body or

41:51

the positions you put yourself into be more

41:53

flattering, or you know, looking

41:55

a certain way, or you know, we all

41:58

look a little bit ugly

42:00

at times when we're having sex. We look a little

42:02

silly, we look a little ridiculous, and instead

42:04

of is showing that it's better to lean

42:06

in and embrace it and understand that

42:09

we are human beings. That we are going to

42:11

look silly with our legs behind our ears, you know,

42:14

you know, but we are going to be in positions

42:17

that are vulnerable, that make

42:19

us feel like, you know, oh

42:21

my god, where is he going to see my bellule?

42:23

Fat? Is he gonna see my cellulite? And

42:26

as woman, the more you embrace

42:28

that, the more that you lean into it,

42:30

the more sexualized you become,

42:33

and the more sexy sex

42:35

becomes. Yep,

42:39

did you just climax? It sounded

42:42

like I mean, it really makes me think of again

42:44

my relationship with my husband because, to

42:47

put it quickly, he and I have very different taste

42:49

in women, and it took me a long

42:51

time to realize that, you know, I'm

42:53

a curvy girl. He doesn't

42:55

like me despite my body type. He actually

42:58

likes me because of my body type. And

43:01

honestly, Instagram really helped with that, following

43:04

a lot of gorgeous women who look a

43:06

lot like me and being like, wait, if she

43:08

looks great in that bikini dress?

43:11

Whatever. It took a while,

43:13

but I had to sort of recondition my brain to finally

43:15

realize, like, well, that's actually what turns

43:18

him on, that's what he's looking for in

43:20

a partner. And well, I know, Esther,

43:22

you've said this to me before, that Brad always

43:24

likes you like eight pounds up. Because Esther always

43:26

thinks she's eight pounds up or seven, it's seven

43:28

or eight. She's always like, I'm eight pounds heavier

43:30

than i'd like to be. And I'm always three pounds

43:32

heavier than I like to be. And my

43:35

guy Joe is always like, I like put

43:37

more weight on. He's like, I like a little extra meat

43:39

on you. And I know Brad likes I'm

43:41

Gwinnett too, He's like, I like that, you know,

43:44

bulk up. That seems to be a theme

43:46

here because my doesnt. So.

43:48

I think what we think. You know, we're always

43:50

presenting ourselves almost for other women,

43:53

not for our men, because if if they

43:55

had their druthers, we would all be a little beefier.

43:57

They want something to hold onto, They like a little

44:00

junk in our trunk, wouldn't you agree, Esther? I

44:02

think that's absolutely right. I think that

44:04

we as women look in the mirror like

44:06

we have I don't know how we arrived at this

44:09

ridiculous idea or number or whatever.

44:11

But we're like, oh, I like myself at

44:13

X weight. And as

44:15

you were saying, like we need to, I

44:18

think just expand you

44:20

know, instead of looking at at things through a punitive

44:22

lens, like I'm not where I want to be, I don't

44:25

look my best. It's like, what if we

44:27

just like relax a little bit and open

44:29

the spectrum of like what was beautiful for

44:31

us? And because I do think

44:33

a lot of a lot of men, you

44:35

know, like us. However we come that

44:37

day, you know what I mean. They're far more accepting

44:40

of us than we are of our own

44:42

bodies, I know. And and it's

44:44

funny that we hold you know, there

44:46

is a new new movement that's

44:48

been happening for the last couple of years with people

44:51

like Ashley Graham who are so body positive

44:54

and who is a professional model who's

44:56

showing all of the flaws that we have on

44:58

our body and showing the b uty of

45:00

cellulite, of pregnancy, of all

45:03

of you know, the gorgeousness that is involved

45:05

in that. And I think there's a new phase of

45:08

body consciousness that people understand.

45:10

You know, every type is sexy, and

45:12

it sounds it can sound like a bunch of horseship, But

45:14

it's like when you really talk to people

45:17

who are living in their bodies, and

45:19

I know you you are always living

45:21

in your body because you're always doing something to help

45:23

yourself. Are you still not? I saw got this summer

45:25

and she hadn't had a drink in like seven months,

45:28

and that may be sad. I just oh,

45:30

by the way, Ester, I just finished a thirty day alcohol

45:33

cleans. Can you dig it? She fs

45:35

She's about to finish a three hundred and sixty

45:37

five day alcohol less Oh

45:41

my god, it's been Yeah, it's

45:43

been a long year of no barely any

45:45

alcohol. I mean I've had a sip here and there,

45:47

but very well. But how is that affecting you?

45:49

Are you happy about that? Do you feel great? Or

45:51

do you feel you know me? I

45:53

love a drink and I

45:56

love the ritual of it, and I love to sit

45:58

down and have one and chat. And I

46:01

love the taste of alcohol, like I'm

46:03

I love whiskey and wine and

46:05

whatever vodka like I'll take it all.

46:08

But I think what happened

46:10

was it was it was just you know, having

46:13

gotten COVID and having felt like Ship, but

46:15

like having had long COVID stuff

46:17

for a while, and I just wasn't I

46:20

just didn't feel vibrant. I didn't

46:22

feel good, and I

46:24

had really high inflammation levels. And the doctor

46:26

was like, look, you really need to clean up your act,

46:28

like you gotta at least for three months,

46:31

no alcohol, no grains, no sugar,

46:33

you know, nothing processed, everything like that,

46:36

and so I kind of begrudgingly

46:38

did it, and then I just started to feel so

46:41

good. And I

46:43

don't know, I'm not going to do it forever. But I

46:46

think has been about

46:48

like me trying to value my health

46:51

and wellness a little bit more, because especially

46:53

during COVID, I was just like eating whatever,

46:56

drinking you know, seven nights a week.

47:00

And it's been really

47:02

interesting and I like, I sleep

47:04

so much better with no alcohol. It's

47:06

wild, like I have this orr

47:09

ring and it tracks like your

47:11

heart rate and how will you sleep? And it's like if

47:13

I have two SIPs of wine,

47:15

like on Saturday night with someone's birthday and I

47:18

toasted and I had two SIPs of wine and like

47:20

I slept like ship. So I

47:22

don't know, we'll see, Yeah, I know, that's

47:24

what I thought. I was like, Oh, I'm gonna do thirty days of no alcohol,

47:27

and I was like, oh no, what if I become one of those sober

47:29

people because people always go I did thirty days

47:31

and I felt so good, so I did it sixties. So I made sure

47:33

a day thirty. I'm like, get me an apriall spirits

47:35

right stack, because I don't want to be sober, but

47:38

thank God because you not drinking.

47:40

It's like, I don't even know what that means. Our

47:43

last question comes from Sydney,

47:45

and this ties right into some of the things

47:48

you have going on at group right now, Gwyneth Dear

47:50

Chelsea. I'm twenty four years old and I haven't

47:53

had sex in three years. I'd

47:55

be totally fine with that if I knew how to masturbate,

47:57

but I don't, nor have I ever had an

48:00

orgasm. My parents were open

48:02

and encouraging when it came to our sexuality,

48:04

but for some reason, I've never been able

48:06

to overcome the mental hurdles. I would

48:08

try the casual hook up, but I'm terrible

48:11

at dating, and my last sexual encounter was

48:13

a bit traumatic and has taken me a lot of time to

48:15

process. At this point, the most

48:17

stimulation I get is from that cheesy show Sex

48:19

Life. What do I do? Thank you? Sydney?

48:23

What do you think esther? First of all,

48:25

I think there's a lot of pressure around orgasm

48:28

and dating, and Gio,

48:31

who is one of the experts on the show, kind of talks

48:33

about a spectrum of orgasms and a spectrum

48:35

of pleasure and that sometimes you know, we have

48:38

this in our mind. It's like this high

48:40

stake situation and are we going to be

48:42

able to orgasm or not? And I think

48:44

if Sydney starts to just explore

48:48

what feels good to her, you know, it doesn't

48:50

have to be straight to the genitals.

48:52

It's like, what is

48:54

she like? What feels good like? You

48:56

know? She I think she should try to

48:58

understand her body. And he's totally accepting

49:01

of what feels right to

49:03

her and what turns her on. You know, think

49:05

of the things that turn you on. For

49:08

a total beginner like that, would you

49:10

recommend a like a toy like

49:12

a vibrator or just kind of experimenting

49:14

on her own. I think that a vibrator can't

49:17

hurt, because it's good to just explore what

49:19

you know, what your options are, and see what's

49:21

out there. I mean, vibrators are popular

49:24

for a reason. You know, a lot of women get

49:26

a lot of pleasure from that. People have very sensitive

49:28

nipples, people have very sensitive backs of

49:30

their neck, people have, you know, sensitive

49:32

areas. You kind of have to find out what your

49:35

zone is, you know, where you feel

49:38

like you're being turned on. What do you see that

49:40

turns you on? Is it a man, is it a

49:42

woman? Is it gay porn? Is it straight

49:44

porn? Like is it porn? Is it a

49:46

love story? Like? You just have to find out

49:48

where, like you know, your orogenous

49:51

zones are a and what

49:53

kind of makes you get those feelings

49:55

is a good place to start. And she did mention that

49:58

she had trauma in her past,

50:00

and that is obviously something that

50:02

needs to be explored and

50:04

then extinguished for her to feel free

50:07

enough sexually, to relax enough

50:10

to find out what does give her pleasure,

50:12

because there is a relaxing component that

50:14

you need to have. It's like when you hook up with somebody

50:16

in the beginning. I know for myself it

50:19

was very hard to have sex

50:22

with people I didn't have

50:24

relationships with and allow and

50:26

and and and come to orgasm

50:29

like I wouldn't feel comfortable enough.

50:31

I could have sex with them, but I wasn't going to relax

50:33

enough and show them the way. And this is what I

50:35

like, and I want you to do this to my

50:38

boob or we know whatever. Like I don't

50:40

feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable enough with somebody

50:42

to do that. So you do have to relax

50:45

and have an understanding of your own body

50:47

and a comfort level. And if there

50:50

is trauma that's unresolved, then that is

50:52

going to contribute to that kind

50:54

of stall. I agree with that.

50:56

And after that, I think we can all

50:58

go finger blast ourselves. Yeah, I

51:00

mean that's the takeaway. Problem solved, as

51:02

usual, problem solved. You've come to the best.

51:05

I'm happy to send Sydney. Let's

51:08

do that. Please, Let's send her. Let's make sure we

51:10

record that. Let's send her, send

51:12

her exactly. That's perfect. Gwyneth

51:15

to the rescue as usual, Yes,

51:18

usual, lament. I think we actually

51:20

should take a quick break. Oh, okay,

51:24

we'll go to some ads.

51:27

So one thing we've been doing recently is our

51:29

guests are actually asking Chelsea for

51:31

advice. So, Gwyneth, is there anything that you'd

51:33

like to ask Chelsea? Yes, this is my favorite part

51:36

of the show, so I need you to take it very seriously.

51:38

Esther, I would love to ask,

51:41

what are the practices

51:43

that you put in place to finally

51:45

get over the hurdle of your intimacy stuff

51:48

and really accept Joe wholeheartedly

51:51

and deeply into your heart. Well,

51:54

I spent a lot of time in therapy,

51:57

like two years, and then I did

51:59

it full attle because I didn't want to do it long

52:01

term. I wanted to do it and get to the root

52:03

of the matter, and of course I'll go back

52:05

when issues arise, but I didn't want it to be

52:08

a long term thing. And I remember

52:10

somebody saying, you know, when you get healthy, you

52:12

attract a healthy and I always thought,

52:14

okay, what do I have to do to get healthy?

52:16

And the first thing was really digging deep into,

52:19

you know, discovering yourself and what your what

52:21

your issues are, why you behave the way you do,

52:23

why I had so many guardrails up and

52:25

once you unpack that. If somebody

52:28

had said, Okay, in six years you're gonna meet the

52:30

love of your life, I would be like, Okay, just blow my brains

52:32

out. That's too long, you know. If somebody

52:34

had set but that's really how long it took, because

52:36

it's the practice of going to therapy.

52:39

Then it's the practice of taking what you learned

52:41

in therapy and absorbing it

52:43

and then applying it to your life, which

52:46

is a daily practice. And I now

52:48

I'm just a much healthier, emotionally

52:51

healthier person. I meditate

52:53

every morning I used I meditate on my grounding

52:55

Matt every morning. I am

52:58

a positive light instead of

53:00

I don't like if anyone is negative,

53:02

or anyone is bitching or gossiping. I

53:04

no longer have any frequency

53:06

for that. I just immediately am turned

53:08

off by that, and I walk in the other direction,

53:11

and my habits have changed. And when you are

53:13

light and love, then it just bounces

53:15

right back at you. And for me

53:17

to see his light and love, which was around

53:20

me for fifteen years in my face,

53:22

I did not see it, and it was sitting right in front

53:25

of me, and he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't

53:27

believe we've wasted fifteen years. He goes, Honey, we

53:29

didn't waste fifteen years. He goes, this is the best

53:31

it's ever gonna be. The timing is perfect.

53:33

I could have been five more years, and I would have been happy

53:35

to have you then, like, so

53:38

I just I mean, I can't say it enough. Like

53:40

when you do the work to make yourself the

53:42

best version of yourself, which is an ongoing

53:44

process as we all know, it

53:47

attracts the best, and

53:49

then you're able to see with a clearer lens

53:51

all of the people, all of the things that you were missing,

53:54

like how green the trees are, you know, and how

53:56

beautiful it is to walk on the beach, and

53:58

all of the little things that I thought we're corny

54:00

to think about or mentioned are beautiful

54:03

to me now, you know. I look at the moon,

54:05

I stare at it. I'm like, that is magnificent,

54:08

you know. I look at the trees, I'm like, look at

54:10

nature, Like everything is beautiful.

54:13

So yeah, I feel very healed.

54:15

Not like I'm fully cooked or done, but

54:17

I feel like I'm in the process

54:19

of healing. And being in love is the most healing

54:22

thing I could have ever asked for. Oh my god,

54:24

I'm like, I'm crying. I'm

54:26

so happy for you. Thanks

54:28

honey, Thanks Esther. I'm so happy

54:30

for you too. You have that kind of love too. We've

54:33

been praying for this for you for a long

54:35

time. So I can't believe how

54:37

beautiful that was. You're so

54:40

sweet to be crying, Esther's crying

54:42

everyone, and you're moving me. I love you.

54:44

I love you, honey. I love you so

54:46

much. And I'll be your neighbor

54:48

in about a year once I'm done renovating my house.

54:51

I can't wait to get you in the neighborhood.

54:53

Exciting times, honey. Ladies,

54:55

this was so wonderful. Thank you for having me.

54:58

I really appreciate it. And every one

55:00

can tune into sex love and Goop It's dreams today

55:02

Netflix, watch it, watch it. You're

55:04

gonna have four sex with your partners.

55:07

Everybody is going to be healed.

55:10

Thank you, Oh my god, thank

55:12

you so much. By Okay,

55:14

bye guys. Thanks Civilian, thank you,

55:16

thank you. By