This series of paintings explores my identity with Lao music vs. American music. I  always related my synesthesia to queer escapism, creating a space for myself that didn’t exist  when I was growing up. It’s through that acknowledgment of queerness as self, that I began to  wonder more about other parts of my identity.  

When the pandemic hit, I was learning about the history of the Vietnam Secret and War  involving Laos, Vietnam and America. Quarantining gave me space to think and experiment  with how my Lao identity could be explored in a genuine and personal way. I wanted to  express this idea of a double consciousness.The colorful and hazy background painting is  inspired by music from old CDs belonging to my dad. As a child of immigrants growing up in  America, I hated this music. There was such a pressure to assimilate into American culture. The  top layer of marker on durlar is inspired by American music I listened to growing up. All this  time I thought I was using the American music to cover up the Lao music but in reality, it has  always existed together. No matter how much anger my dad’s Lao music brought me, it’s help  make me who I am. It’s part of my nostalgia. By meditating through this process of listening  and creating to more Lao music, I’ve found a calm with it and the pain that comes with my  family refugee history. This is my awakening.

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