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I remember a few years ago my sister in law came over and as soon as she walked in the door I fell into my normal routine of apologizing for my messy house. We were a new family of 5 at the time. I was less concerned with keeping the house clean than I was with keeping my head above water. The reality of my current season didn’t stop me from feeling like I needed an explanation for why my house was out of order. What she said next changed my perspective on hospitality and has brought immeasurable joy and purpose to my life.

“It’s Ok, you live here.”

So often we feel like, in order to invite people into our homes, they have to look like a Pinterest board and smell like Pier One. They should look like the Instagram pictures we strategically upload after pushing the mess out of frame and adding a nice filter that doesn’t show the smudges on the window or the dog hair on the carpet. Our homes should be the perfect blend of style, organization and function. Filled with the smell of fresh baked cookies, well behaved children who take daily baths and whose socks match. Gourmet meals with sprigs of fresh herbs and only organic ingredients. The stage is set, now you may come in. We’ve turned hospitality strictly into entertaining which is about our need to impress not to bless.

This logic is fear based and it misses the heart of hospitality. If we allow somebody into our mess, they’ll realize we’re phony. They’ll get a peek behind the literal curtains of our lives and judge us for all the ways we fall short. To avoid the embarrassment and insecurity that we aren’t enough, we put off practicing hospitality until we feel ready. Until we can get our house in order. Until we feel like we’re in control of people’s perception of us.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a clean home and to be wearing pants when a guest comes over. I can’t lie and say I feel good about letting my clutter flag fly when guests arrive or that I’m never embarrassed when that unexpected guest drops in. The reality is, sometimes that’s just what has to happen in order for me to make room in our busy life for true connection. I go back to that grace-filled revelation and remind myself that “It’s Ok Erika, 6 people live here” and I open the door anyway because hospitality isn’t about what my home has to offer. Hospitality is about what my heart has to offer, and it’s overflowing with a desire to love and serve the people around me.

There is so much pressure on the *idea* of hospitality. Why do we do this to ourselves? I love Pinterest as much as the next person but how talented do we think we are that we can or should be able to do it all? To be a good mom, wife, gourmet chef, interior designer, fitness expert, farmer, DIY queen, fashion model and mini Martha Stewart. I simply do not have the time or resources to whittle homemade table card holders and buy new china from World Market each season. To each their own and I love me some World Market, but my chipped wedding dishes are going to have to do.

Here’s the secret – the people you invite into your home don’t care about your stuff. They care about you. That’s why they’re here! They care about cultivating a relationship with a real person. We’ve bought into some serious lies about what Hospitality should look like. Here are the 5 Lies You Didn’t Know You Believed About Hospitality


Lie #1 – Hospitality is an Art Form.

If you plug the Webster definition into that lie it would read, “Hospitality is an undertaking or activity enhanced by a high level of skill or refinement”. There are some wonderful ways that you can use your talents and abilities to pour love into the details. We are all created with different giftings, and there is no shame finding joy in pairing your skills in a certain area with hospitality.

The danger comes in believing that you need to pay attention to the details in order to be a worthy hostess. The reality is, it does not take an artist to be a good host. In fact, hospitality is not something reserved for extroverts and mini Marthas! Hospitality is a calling for everyone.

I love the Biblical account of Mary and Martha extending hospitality to Jesus in Luke 10:38-42. The scene finds Martha busy in the kitchen stressed and resentful of Mary who is sitting at Jesus’ feet.

Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

 

Isn’t it strange that the Martha in this story is much like the Martha (Stewart) we know in our culture? When we focus so much on the art form of hospitality, we miss out on the person.

The takeaway – Hospitality focuses on the person, not the details.


Lie #2 – Hospitality requires meticulous planning and preparation

Sometimes hospitality does require planning and preparation. We were honored to open our home up to 22 people for Thanksgiving this year. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, that will have to be a post for another day! The point is, this event took a lot of prep work. In fact, I  had to buy two turkeys to accomodate all our guests. I don’t even like to cook! I cooked one Wednesday night while we hosted some friends in our home for a completely impromptu get together (see… you don’t have to plan). We talked and laughed while Luke and I carved and deboned turkey #1. Thursday morning I cooked turkey #2. We had a house full of what I like to call the motley crew of misfits. Whoever doesn’t have a place to go for Thanksgiving comes to our house. Each year we are blessed with a different group of people and it truly enriches our holiday. This tradition is so fun and FULL that we barely stop for pictures. We focus on being present with our guests, and I’m always thankful when they snap a few pictures so I can remember our day together.

There is nothing wrong with planning get-togethers and penciling hospitality onto your calendar. It is WISE to prepare. I needed to plan for having 2 turkeys! I am not suggesting that the grace of genuine hospitality takes the place of being organized or prepared. The danger in this lie is if we aren’t flexible or open to last-minute opportunities to serve the people around us.

Imagine you are at Bible Study (or anywhere for that matter) and an opportunity for a last minute play date comes up. Maybe you recognize that somebody is in immediate need of community, of connection. They need a shoulder to cry on, advice or a break before they head home to their own mess. You see a need but at the same time, you remember the state in which you left your house and it’s not pretty. Maybe your house is ok but you don’t have any goldfish crackers to share with their kids, your snack game is weak and you are completely out of food to offer. You know what? As long as you have coffee, invite that Mom in! (ok, coffee isn’t a requirement, unless it’s me you’re inviting over! Just kidding, grace… remember?!)

The takeaway – Spontaneous hospitality blesses others by meeting an immediate need for connection


Lie #3 – Unexpected Guests are Intruders

We’ve talked about planning events and also being flexible for last minute opportunities to practice hospitality. How about when somebody shows up at your house completely unexpected and it’s not your friendly UPS driver with your Amazon package? There’s nothing like the surge of panic when the doorbell rings and you aren’t expecting it. You immediately look around and notice all the toys on the floor, dishes in the sink and that laundry pile that’s been sitting there for 2 days… ok, a week. You look down and realize you aren’t wearing a bra, you haven’t covered up your undereye circles and you probably should have taken a shower yesterday. What do you do? Do you stealth creep to a back room and threaten your kids not to make a sound or do you open the door (after probably putting that bra on) and invite the ‘intruder’ in?

When is the last time a friend or family member showed up to your house unannounced? If you can’t remember the last time I want you to think about the reason. Is it:

1. Nobody does that anymore, blame the culture!
2. They don’t feel welcome unless they’ve been given a golden ticket and permission to drop by

I don’t mean for that to sound harsh. These are heart checks. People know when they aren’t welcomed. They can feel it when we’re annoyed because we were caught off guard and are less than thrilled. They are unlikely to swing by again if they’ve been made to feel like an intruder in the past! I’m not talking about habitual offenders here, it’s ok to set boundries with friends/family who don’t respect your time.

Anybody who knows me well knows that I love when people stop by unannounced. I want them to know that no matter how full our life is, there is always room for them. Our door is always open. There is less pressure on unexpected visits. I usually clean when friends stop over. I still have things to do, but if you want to enter into life with me I know you won’t mind and I enjoy the company! 

The takeaway – Live an open door life where the people you love always feel welcome.

Lie #4 – You have to feed people to practice hospitality

I am happy to announce that this is false. Thank you, Jesus! Meal planning and cooking do not come naturally to me. In fact, they cause me great stress and anxiety. Preparing meals and loving on people with food is an excellent way to bless them and practice hospitality.

 

 

Acts 2:46 says “They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts”

 

While breaking bread is wonderful and even Biblical… it’s not a requirement! Here is a perfect example:

Luke and I have wanted to host a small group with our church since we bought our house 5 years ago. We believe God blessed us with the timing and price of our home so that we could do Kingdom work. Two babies and several life changes later we finally felt this was the right time. One thing that held me back was feeling the pressure of putting out snacks and food each week. Weeknights are busy and I could foresee that it would be overwhelming. We met with the Life Group ministry leaders and they revealed another sweet nugget of truth when it comes to being obedient about the call to hospitality… you do not have to provide food. Nobody will starve in that hour and a half and if it will cause more stress and take away from everything God wanted to do through our group it wasn’t worth it. They shared that many small groups didn’t do snacks. Some groups don’t even do coffee! Now, I had to draw the line there! I can cook coffee beans and hot water with my eyes closed, and I’m pretty sure it’s necessary when studying the Bible. Yes, “Though shalt drink coffee and give thanks to the Lord your God (for the coffee)”. It’s in there. We just wrapped our first 8 weeks of life group and I can say that God moved mightily in our group and through our obedience. He gets all the glory. We are so thankful for the new friends we met simply because we opened our door that first Tuesday night.

The takeaway – Full hearts are more important than full bellies.


Lie #5 – People hold me to a higher standard than to what I hold them

I have never walked into somebody elses home and judged them for how they looked or how their home looked. I hold my own home to a certain standard and I prefer that it look a certain way, not because I care what others think of it… but because as I get older I just desire order. That is my preference and I would never cast that expectation on somebody who was willing to invite me into their world. I could care less what anyone else’s house looks like! I’m just happy to have time to connect.

The takeaway – If you give other people grace in their mess, give yourself grace in yours.

 

Make it personal

Have you unknowingly believed any of these lies about hospitality? How can you step forward in obedience and practice hospitality this week? Join the conversation and drop a comment below.

The post 5 Lies We Believe About Hospitality appeared first on Live Wise Love Well.