Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards ourselves and others. I’m your host, Miriam Otero .

Alright, today we are talking about self-care vs community care. You’ve probably heard a lot about self-care; some of you might be thinking you hear too much about it, to be honest. This episode is a bit more personal, as I share the topic through the lens of my experience of a few years ago. It’s helped people in my community and in sharing it with you, I hope it helps you or someone you love. 

In the second episode of this season, I talked about the importance of treating yourself like a friend. Part of that is self-care; looking out for yourself. I began this season by looking at the self because that’s where all change begins, is with you. The thing is that there are times in life when just looking after ourselves isn’t enough to get us through the challenges we’re confronted with and that’s where community care comes in. 

Loneliness is on the Rise

There’s a disturbing trend I’ve noticed and I wanted to use it as an example of what I mean by community care. Loneliness is one the rise, especially in the United States. There was an article that I read on NPR where they cited a survey where they found that half of Americans view themselves as lonely. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as many of us find ourselves on the lonely side of that survey. It got me thinking about self-care and community care. 

We talk a lot about self-care, but frankly, we don’t talk about the responsibility we have to each other as being part of a community.  After all, we are tribal creatures, social beings. Back when it was just us and the land, being part of a community was essential to survival and throughout our history, people have been able to survive and thrive when they’ve focused on collaboration and working together to solve problems. There are so many things vying for our attention these days that we barely have energy for the things we have to do, let alone the things we want to do. Suddenly, the thriving social connections you had in your younger years begin to disappear. 

There’s so much focus on the negative these days and I get it. There is a lot to be critical of, but we’re doing a pretty awful job of giving equal time and space to taking care of ourselves and looking out for our tribe. The year that survey came out, I was one of those lonely people. I came to realize that no matter how much self-care you do, you still need community.

How I Realized I Needed Support

Over the course of my 20s, I’d made many friends throughout all the different experiences I had taken part of. I knew what community was supposed to feel like, yet suddenly I found myself without one. How could it be? I had always gone out of my way to get people together, to check in with friends, and take trips to visit them. 

What I realized that year was that I didn’t really have a self-care routine that consistently kept me grounded AND that up until that point, I had always weathered emotional storms on my own. And I mean codependent relationships, death, tough job situations, etc. So, when the time came when I finally needed support, no one knew I needed it because I didn’t know how to ask for help.

That was the year that inspired a lot of the episodes thus far. When I finally did share with friends that I needed support, only a handful were able to show up for me in that way. Many people who I thought were friends that I could lean on for support, weren’t those kinds of friends. It was a tough time to learn a hard lesson. 

But it allowed me to be more discerning with my energy. The Miriam I am to my sisters and was to my students doesn’t need to be the Miriam I am to every acquaintance I make, which is what I was doing before. Sometimes, these hard times come into our lives to shed light on what’s really important to us.

Recently, I kept hearing the term Sliding Doors. I had no idea that it was referring to a movie. But, within a span of four days, I’d heard it three times. I’m a big believer in synchronicities and nudges from the universe, so I decided to check it out. 

If you haven’t seen it, it’s a movie from the 90s starring Gwyneth Paltrow. The first 10-15 minutes of the film, you see her take off to work and she ends up getting fired. At the same time that’s happening, her boyfriend is at home cheating on her with another woman. Gwyneth Paltrow heads out to catch the underground (subway, for those of you from this side of the pond) and this is where the story splits. In one scenario, she’s able to make a run for it and catch the subway before the doors close. In the other, she just misses it. 

From that point forward you see two drastically different experiences she ends up having because of these sliding doors. I won’t ruin the movie for you if you want to check it out, but it got me thinking about how life often leads us in different directions based off of one small change. In one scenario, we could be consciously making choices for ourselves and in another, we could be on autopilot for decades, only to wake up, look around, and not know who we are.

Are you consciously choosing to live the life you want or are you letting life choose for you?

We are what we focus on. What are you prioritizing in your life? 

Is it connection?

Is it love?

Is it kindness or empathy?

Or is it anger, frustration, despair? 

Even if you’re doing good work in the world, are you martyring yourself for a cause? Are you miserable doing that good work because you don’t leave time for community to fill your cup? 

The Moment Things Changed For Me

That’s where I found myself not too long ago. I say it because I know what it feels like to go through it. I also know how difficult it is to make a change unless you’re forced to and this is what it looked like for me:

When I decided to leave teaching for a bit and start my training to be a personal development coach, I didn’t know how those two things combined would bust me wide open. For one, I didn’t realize how much I would miss teaching kids when I left and during that year away from teaching, it really weighed on me. I LOVED being a middle school teacher.

Not identifying as a teacher for a year had really shaken my foundation, because I had always wanted to be a teacher. When I wasn’t anymore, I didn’t really know who I was without it. It caught me off guard because I’d never experienced anything like this before. 

So, why am I sharing such an intimate story with you all? For several reasons, actually. The first is that I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to identify this within myself sooner. I’m a huge advocate for well-being and even spent time working at a mental health non-profit, so to go through this myself was a huge wakeup call for me. It’s something that can really sneak up on you, even when you don’t think it ever will. 

The second reason was that during that time and the months that followed, I stayed off of social media. When I finally did go back, I shared this story on there with my community.

In sharing my story, I got a bunch of responses from people. Most sharing their support and stories of loved ones going through similar things, but there were a few who reached out to tell me that they too had been through it themselves. Months later, I knew of several people who found the courage to seek help after they heard me and several others in their lives talking openly about their struggles. Knowing that sharing what I had experienced had helped someone, made me realize it was ok to be vulnerable in this way with people that I knew and loved.

The third reason is a selfish one, but one I’m unapologetic about. When I left my teaching job midyear, I did so with a heavy heart. When I made the announcement I would be leaving mid-year, there were 37 people whose hearts I broke that never got a good reason as to why I was leaving so suddenly. If there’s one regret I had, it was that. My goal as a teacher and as a human being is to live by what I advocate for and be a model of what that looks like. I also want you to know that if there ever comes a time where you’re in a similar place, it’s ok to choose to take care of yourself. In choosing to take care of myself, I chose to nurture myself back to a place where I could give back to others fully and wholeheartedly; the place where I’m at today.

Though I got to that place through a lot of acceptance and work on my part, I wouldn’t be where I am at this moment had it not been for the community care I’ve received throughout my life, but especially during that difficult period. That’s where we can all do better, taking better care of ourselves not just to feel more fulfilled, but so we can show up for others when our support is the pivotal piece they need to feel any sense of hope. 

And that’s part of the reason I started this podcast: to pose those questions so that you don’t have to get to a place where life puts circumstances in your life that force you to see what’s good. So really, I hope that if you are struggling with something like this that you reach out to your loved ones and seek professional help if that’s what you need. That community care is essential to our wellbeing. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I know this episode was longer and more real than what you’re used to.

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode!

Have you had any insights from listening to any of the episodes so far this season? If you’ve enjoyed the podcast and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! Catch ya later!