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0:57

I am not John Lovett. I

1:01

am Andy Richter and I am the guest host this week. And

1:06

tonight on the show my pal Andy Daly

1:09

is here. And he's full of

1:11

shit. Uh, Yamanique Risonders and

1:13

Jared Goldstein bring me up to speed. And

1:15

then it's on to the rant wheel. But

1:19

first, let's get into what happened

1:21

this week. What a week. There,

1:25

thank you. According

1:27

to a new report by the New York Times,

1:29

during a 2012 deposition during

1:32

his divorce proceedings, RFK

1:34

Jr. said that doctors found

1:37

a dead worm in his brain. The

1:40

cause of the worm's death was ruled to

1:42

be suicide. I

1:47

feel a little responsible because when I

1:49

wished on that cursed monkey paw that

1:51

RFK Jr. would be more like JFK,

1:54

I didn't mean present day JFK. So

2:00

most disturbing thing was actually when he

2:02

said, I have a dead worm in

2:04

my brain, he was just answering a

2:06

lawyer who asked, is this your signature?

2:10

Now to hear Kennedy tell it, he

2:12

was experiencing fogginess and a loss of

2:14

memory and he visited a number of

2:16

physicians in an attempt to suss out

2:19

the source. His doctors

2:21

found a dark spot in his brain

2:23

and assuming it was a tumor, scheduled

2:25

a surgery. Now while he

2:27

packed for his trip to go get the

2:29

surgery, RFK Jr. got a phone

2:32

call, the hole on the

2:34

scan was actually caused by

2:36

a parasite. My

2:40

real goal in life now is to

2:42

never end up in a situation where

2:44

news breaks that a brain-eating worm died

2:46

in my skull and the resounding response

2:49

is, it checks out. Now

2:55

according to Kennedy, this doctor said the

2:57

spot was caused by a worm

3:00

that got into my brain, ate a

3:02

portion of it and then died. Kennedy

3:05

added, I know there will be jokes about this,

3:08

but before you poke fun, you should know when

3:10

the worm died, it took a shit inside my

3:12

brain. And

3:16

not to be a bummer, just a reminder,

3:18

this is our second best option for

3:20

president speaking right now. We

3:23

should all lie down for that. Kennedy

3:27

had been traveling in South Asia

3:29

and experts consulted by the time

3:31

suggested that it was most likely

3:33

he had contracted pork tapeworm larvae

3:35

during his trip. The

3:37

CDC says pork tapeworm eggs can enter

3:40

the brain if you

3:42

ingest the fecal matter of an infected person.

3:46

Yep, that's right. If you eat the

3:48

shit of an infected person. And

3:50

personally, I wouldn't worry about what's in the

3:52

vaccines if I got brain damage from eating

3:54

too many turds. Other

4:00

than that, how was the South Asia trip,

4:02

Mr. Kennedy? Other

4:05

than the brain worm from eating turds? You

4:08

know, it all makes sense because if you've

4:10

been paying attention, he has been eating so

4:12

much shit throughout this campaign. As

4:15

I mentioned earlier, the deposition took

4:17

place during divorce proceedings, and

4:20

RFK Jr. volunteered his medical

4:22

history in order to argue

4:24

that his brain problems reduced

4:26

his ability to earn money

4:29

and presumably pay alimony. To

4:32

which I say, yay men! Wow,

4:35

we're the best. And

4:38

not only that, the worm had full access

4:41

to his bank account and had spent

4:43

so much of Kennedy's money on high-end dirt

4:45

and silk pillowcases. And

4:48

also sports betting. That's an Otani joke for

4:50

you. Around

4:52

the same time, RFK Jr. said

4:55

he was also diagnosed with mercury

4:57

poisoning, most likely due to eating

4:59

too many fish. That

5:02

guy really did not want to pay

5:04

for alimony. Not just

5:06

the brain worm, I got mercury poisoning

5:08

too. I mean, sort

5:10

of like slow down there Heathcliff. And

5:14

while we're at it, Kennedy has a

5:16

heart condition in which stress, caffeine, or

5:18

a lack of sleep can

5:20

cause an arrhythmia. Explained

5:22

Kennedy, it feels like there's a bag of

5:25

worms in my chest. I can

5:27

feel it immediately when it goes out. He

5:30

is the Rasputin of fringe presidential

5:32

candidates. Not even his

5:34

body fully revolting against itself can

5:37

stop him from hitting the campaign

5:39

trail. Although in hindsight, I

5:41

can see why his campaign slogan of

5:43

I'm a giant squirming mass of worms

5:45

in a skin suit, it's pretty

5:47

good. Bullseye. Anyway,

5:50

RFK Jr. also mentioned in

5:52

the deposition that he once

5:55

contracted hepatitis C from using

5:57

intravenous drugs. I'm

5:59

sorry, what What does this man think the vaccine

6:01

is going to do to his body that

6:03

hasn't already happened yet that he hasn't done

6:05

to himself? Kennedy

6:08

also has spasmodic dysphonia

6:11

in which his vocal cords contract involuntarily.

6:13

We've all heard it. Doctors

6:15

think though that this may be just his body's way

6:17

of telling him to shut the fuck up. Speaking

6:22

of Kennedys, while RFK Jr.'s

6:24

paltry brain was a feast

6:26

for worms, his cousin Jack

6:28

Schlossberg is a whole smack

6:30

according to the internet this

6:32

week. Here he is now.

6:34

She's got a ticket to

6:36

ride. She's got

6:39

a ticket to ride. She's

6:42

got a ticket to ride. But

6:44

she don't care. Oh,

6:49

move over little Edie. There's a

6:52

new England cousin in town with star

6:54

power. Meanwhile,

6:57

an unexpected part of

6:59

Donald Trump's hush money trial

7:01

has been rumors that the

7:04

former president has been repeatedly

7:06

farting in court. His

7:10

lawyers refer to it as his right to

7:12

remain silent but deadly. Or

7:16

it's what I would call repeatedly pleading

7:19

the fifth. We

7:25

didn't say it was a grown up show. Then

7:28

this week, images of MAGA voters

7:30

wearing adult diapers in support of

7:32

Donald Trump made

7:35

their rounds on the internet. The

7:37

photos depicted Trump fans with shirts

7:39

and signs bearing slogans like, diapers

7:42

over Dems, diaper

7:44

Don, and real men

7:46

wear diapers with photos of the

7:48

former president. Yeah,

7:51

there we go. Trump's

7:54

been out of office for years. He's

7:56

still finding ways to increase America's toxic

7:58

emissions. I

8:00

mean, how can you not believe in climate change

8:02

when your ass is responsible for a lot of

8:05

it? On Tuesday,

8:07

Stormy Daniels testified at Donald

8:09

Trump's Hush Money trial, following

8:11

attempts from his defense to

8:13

block her from describing the

8:15

specifics of their alleged sexual

8:17

liaison. Shut up, nerds. We want to

8:19

hear about the fucking or

8:21

the lack thereof or the failed

8:24

attempts. Trump's team

8:26

complained to Judge Juan Marchand. There's

8:29

just no need for these kinds of

8:31

details here. There's real questions about the

8:33

credibility of this woman, but I mean

8:35

this case is a case about books

8:38

and records. Yeah,

8:40

the book is Kamasutra for Mushroom Dick

8:42

Dummies, and the record is Let's Get

8:44

It On. Come on, let's hear about

8:46

the nasty stuff. We're not here for

8:48

the bookkeeping. This

8:50

is just another example of Trump not letting

8:53

a woman finish. Prosecutors

8:58

reassured the court in terms of the

9:00

sexual act, it will just be very

9:03

basic. It's not going to involve descriptions

9:05

of genitalia. They

9:07

added, but I mean, we have to admit that's

9:09

really, we want to know all those details, please.

9:13

During her five hour testimony, Daniels

9:15

recounted spanking the future president with

9:17

a rolled up magazine and recalled

9:19

them not using a condom. Yeah.

9:24

Although it's not surprising it would be hard to get

9:26

a condom to fit on a rolled up magazine. Now,

9:32

this is relevant for the fraud

9:34

case because in his itemized tax

9:37

deductions, Trump listed one condom. Meanwhile,

9:41

I feel I should put on a condom

9:43

while just thinking about any of this. As

9:46

for the sex itself, Stormy said, I was

9:49

staring up at the ceiling wondering how I

9:51

got there. I mean,

9:53

this is how you know she's telling the

9:55

truth. Every story about having sex with Trump

9:57

sounds like this. There's always a free speech.

10:00

freeze frame, a record scratch, and then

10:02

the voiceover about wondering how they got

10:04

there. The

10:06

adult film star also attempted to make

10:08

jokes during her testimony to lighten the

10:10

mood. Unfortunately, according to

10:12

the New York Times, they did

10:15

not land. In

10:17

response, Judge Mershon threatened to

10:19

sentence Daniels to UCB-1 if

10:21

she persisted. Although

10:25

in her defense, what has two thumbs and

10:27

stuck them both up Donald Trump's ass is

10:30

a fun setup, but you know where it's going. Meanwhile

10:34

down in Florida, Judge Eileen

10:36

Cannon indefinitely postponed the trial

10:40

for Trump's class- you people read the news, don't you?

10:44

She delayed the trial, postponed it

10:46

for Trump's classified documents case, which

10:48

was set to begin on May

10:50

20th. Apparently the judge

10:52

heard about the farts, decided it's not worth it. Cannon,

10:55

who was appointed by Trump

10:57

in 2020, said she wanted

10:59

to resolve the case's various

11:01

pending pretrial motions. The

11:03

delay means Trump will most likely not

11:05

go to trial for these specific charges

11:07

until after the election. Woo!

11:10

said Trump while reading this news from

11:12

a different court where he is also

11:14

on trial. Also

11:17

in Florida, Barron Trump was

11:20

chosen to be one of the

11:22

state's delegates for the Republican National

11:24

Committee in July, two months

11:26

after he graduates high school. When

11:29

reached for comment, former President Donald Trump said,

11:31

I am so proud of

11:33

Barron, my only son. Barron

11:38

started doing the evil version of a gap

11:40

year, but instead of backpacking, he's going to

11:42

ruin the country. Although

11:45

this young man is kind of everything

11:47

that we wish Donald Trump had been,

11:50

Barron. Two

11:55

weeks ago, President Biden signed

11:58

a bill requiring TikTok sold

12:00

to an American-owned company or face

12:02

a potential ban from U.S. app

12:05

stores. Then on Tuesday,

12:07

TikTok and its parent company, ByteDance,

12:09

sued the federal government, claiming the

12:11

law violates the First Amendment rights

12:13

of its users. Mr.

12:15

President, please do not infringe on

12:17

my personal liberty to lose hours

12:19

of my precious life to process

12:22

videos of a Finnish man cleaning

12:24

windows in a way that I

12:26

find pleasing. I need him. My

12:28

family needs him. I don't know

12:30

who I am without him. The

12:33

filing said, for the first time

12:36

in history, Congress has enacted a

12:38

law that subjects a single-name speech

12:40

platform to a permanent nationwide ban.

12:44

But that's probably only because my

12:46

insurrection staging app, Gather, never made

12:48

it past the prototype stage. I

12:51

couldn't find funding. My mom

12:53

said no. Columbia

12:56

University canceled its main commencement ceremony

12:59

this week in response to the

13:01

ongoing student demonstrations against

13:04

Israel's invasion of Gaza. In

13:07

the end, Columbia called in the NYPD

13:09

and hundreds of cops removed 46 students

13:12

from a building on campus and arrested

13:14

over 100 protesters. Meanwhile,

13:17

students at Colombo University agreed to leave

13:19

on their own but added, oh, but

13:22

just one last thing. According

13:26

to the Associated Press, over 2,600

13:29

protesters had been arrested on 50 campuses

13:31

since April 18. And

13:34

I just want to say college kids should

13:36

not be arrested for speaking up about the

13:38

horrors of war on the quad. They

13:41

should be arrested for selling a kilo

13:43

of cocaine to the 19-year-old social chair

13:45

of Delta Tau Delta in the week

13:47

before spring formal. That's the America I

13:49

want to return to. Kids

13:51

deal in coke. To

13:56

a more bright topic, Wednesday evening,

13:58

Marjorie Taylor-Green. initiated a

14:01

vote to oust the speaker of

14:03

the house Mike Johnson. While doing

14:05

so, she received a huge

14:07

boo. ...of Speaker

14:09

of the House representatives to be vacant.

14:11

Boo! Truly,

14:19

every second Marjorie Taylor Greene

14:21

spends not performing as a

14:23

legendary heel in the WWE

14:25

is a complete waste of

14:28

her God-given talent. Like, The

14:30

Undertaker's daughter, maybe? I'd buy

14:33

it. MTG's attempt

14:35

to give Johnson the boot was quickly

14:37

shot down with a 359-43 vote

14:40

with 11 Republicans

14:42

siding with Dems to block Greene's

14:44

attack. Said Marjorie later, boy,

14:46

I haven't been booed like that since my

14:48

kids learned I was getting custody. And

14:54

maybe the most bizarre news

14:56

of the week, earlier today,

14:58

Dr. Phil announced a very special

15:01

sit-down interview set to air

15:03

Thursday night. My interview

15:05

tonight from Jerusalem with Israel's

15:07

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is

15:09

very important. I want to

15:11

make this easy for people to see because

15:13

I think it's very important and very informative.

15:20

I'm with you. It is so troubling

15:22

to see such a monstrous demagogue who's

15:24

caused so much human suffering casually sit

15:27

down and do an interview with

15:29

Netanyahu. The

15:34

Ryan Gosling action comedy Fall Guy

15:36

bottomed out at the box office,

15:39

pulling in only $28 million in its first weekend. The

15:43

financial flop gives Hollywood the weakest start

15:45

to the summer blockbuster season since 1995.

15:49

And I just want to say, how am I going to break

15:51

it to my kids that a movie

15:54

based on Lee Major's second best show

15:56

from the 80s isn't tearing

15:58

up the box office? Meanwhile,

16:02

Star Wars Episode I, The

16:04

Phantom Menace, was re-released into

16:07

theaters and was so successful

16:09

it came in number two after

16:12

Fall Guy, above Challengers. Which

16:15

sucks for Challengers because we know how much it

16:17

was hoping to come in between those two. Peacock

16:23

has ordered a new mockumentary series set

16:25

in the same universe as The Office.

16:28

That's right. If you accept it,

16:30

get ready for a young Phyllis. The

16:35

promise of the series is that

16:38

the documentary crew that immortalized Dunder

16:40

Mifflin's Scranton branch is

16:42

in search of a new subject

16:44

when they discover a dying Midwestern

16:46

newspaper and the publisher trying to

16:48

revive it with volunteer reporters. And

16:52

I would actually watch a show about

16:54

this documentary crew and why their careers

16:56

seem to have not progressed at all.

17:00

Maybe get out of the Midwest, folks,

17:02

and hold the camera still. Also

17:05

this week, Universal dropped a

17:08

new trailer for the Twister sequel, Twisters.

17:13

And to get people really talking about

17:15

it, they dropped it right on an

17:17

unsuspecting town in Kansas. The

17:21

trailer confirmed some of the rulers and

17:23

shed some light on the movie's title

17:25

this time around, there will be

17:27

more than one tornado. Spoiler

17:30

alert. In an

17:33

interview this week, straight actor Nicholas Gallaty,

17:35

and I'm going to go with that,

17:37

said he feels bad for taking queer

17:40

roles, for example, playing a gay prince

17:42

in red, white, and royal blue. But

17:45

it's weird because in high school he was

17:47

voted most likely to play a gay prince.

17:52

I got that one too. With

17:55

the idea of you star, I

17:57

felt a sense of uncertainty sometimes.

18:00

about whether I'm taking up someone's

18:02

space and perhaps guilt. At

18:04

the same time, I see those characters as

18:06

not solely their sexuality, which makes sense to me.

18:08

I mean, as long as the jokes are funny

18:10

and the crowd's having a good time, what should

18:13

it matter who's straight? I mean, come on. What

18:16

do you say, love it or leave it, man? This

18:21

hat can be hilarious. This

18:24

week after a devastating 2018 fire destroyed

18:28

part of the National Museum

18:30

of Brazil, Swiss German

18:33

collector, Burkhardt-Pohl, gifted

18:35

the museum 1,100 Brazilian fossils for

18:39

its collection. Fun fact, Brazilian

18:41

fossils are just normal fossils, but just a

18:43

little bit of pubic hair. Butthole

18:47

clean as a whistle. In

18:53

Amsterdam, McDonald's revealed new

18:55

billboards that smell like

18:57

hot French fries. There

18:59

it is, a photo of somebody

19:01

sniffing a board. In

19:05

response, In-N-Out revealed that their fries

19:07

will still continue to taste like

19:09

billboard. And

19:12

not to be outdone, Taco Bell revealed billboards

19:15

that smell like diarrhea. Taco

19:19

Bell, come on. I

19:22

love it, but it's punitive. According

19:26

to Adweek, the billboards smell like

19:28

hot French fries because they contain

19:31

an internal heat source and

19:33

actual French fries. Best of

19:35

all, in a week or two, they'll

19:37

be able to reuse the billboards to

19:40

advertise hot rat shit. I

19:44

really hope Joe Biden will call me because I finally figured

19:46

out how to beat Donald Trump at his own game. And

19:50

finally, after several

19:52

lawsuits, Panera Bread has

19:54

decided to discontinue their

19:57

hyper-caffeinated lemonade that has

19:59

killed. people. But

20:02

they are pleased to announce the latest addition

20:04

to their menu, a gun

20:06

and a bread bowl. Next,

20:13

we have a little segment that we

20:15

are calling America's Least Wanted. Pits

20:20

me on edge. This week's

20:22

GOP failsome, it's Tim Chi. This

20:24

election season, Republicans in Montana are

20:26

looking to knock out Senator John

20:28

Tester, the only Democrat to hold

20:31

statewide office there with, and he's

20:33

also got one of the finest

20:35

flat tops we've ever seen, in

20:38

an election that could determine control

20:40

of the upper chamber. And they

20:42

think they've got just the square

20:44

headed man for the job, Tim

20:47

Sheehy. Sheehy wants

20:49

voters to know just how tough he

20:51

is, and not just because

20:54

he looks like a microwave Jesse Plemons,

20:56

who is an evil Fortune 500 CEO

20:59

with chronic constipation. A

21:03

big part of Sheehy's tough guy

21:05

self mythology on the campaign trail

21:07

is a bullet he says is

21:09

still stuck in his arm from

21:11

serving in Afghanistan. And he talked

21:13

about it a lot. Big

21:16

deal, Tim. I have a piece of

21:18

undigested ham stuck in my bridge work, and

21:20

I don't crow about it. And

21:23

it's gross. It's gross. But

21:26

Tim can't keep his story straight about

21:28

where he got the bullet. Back in

21:30

October of 2015, he told a park

21:32

ranger at Montana's Glacier National Park that

21:34

he accidentally shot himself in the arm

21:37

that day when he dropped his gun

21:39

as he was loading it. I mean,

21:41

come on, we've all been there. Who

21:43

among us hasn't been out in God's

21:45

perfect creation and accidentally fired off a

21:47

round into our own fucking arm? All

21:51

right, yeah, none of us have done that. Now

21:53

she is saying what he told the park

21:56

ranger was a lie to protect

21:58

his fellow seals because because he

22:00

actually suffered the bullet wound in 2012 and

22:03

he wasn't sure if it was from

22:05

enemy fire or friendly fire. He

22:08

reports this in his 2023 memoir Mud

22:11

Slingers, but he can't make up his

22:13

mind about how many times he was

22:15

shot, asserting that he was hit by

22:17

multiple bullets in one passage and then

22:19

just one bullet in another passage. And

22:22

look, I never served in the military

22:24

and I get it, math is very hard.

22:28

But I do pride myself in being able

22:30

to say with great certainty the number of

22:32

times I've been shot and by whom. And

22:36

whether or not they were family members. But

22:39

you know, that's not the only thing

22:41

that's deeply creepy about she, despite railing

22:44

against Biden's handling of border security, the

22:46

man has on at least three occasions

22:48

told supporters he wants to get rid

22:50

of the Department of Homeland Security.

22:53

He also wants to get rid of the

22:55

Department of Education because education

22:57

makes you read books and books make

23:00

you gay and makes people ask dumb

23:02

questions like, well, wait, how did you get

23:04

shot? It doesn't matter. She

23:08

is also extremely pro-gun and opposes

23:10

any form of gun control. And

23:13

he's especially supportive of your right to shoot

23:15

yourself in a national park or for one

23:17

of your platoon mates to shoot you, whichever

23:19

you think sounds more believable. Tim

23:22

also said he wants to

23:24

return healthcare to pure privatization. So,

23:27

you know, when you shoot yourself in the arm, your

23:29

surgeon will be the invisible hand of the free market.

23:33

On the topic of abortion, she

23:35

has been cagey but has repeatedly

23:38

called abortion murder in the past

23:40

and was endorsed by Susan B.

23:42

Anthony Pro-Life America, a group that

23:44

has pledged to only support candidates

23:47

who support a full national abortion

23:49

ban. So does this guy

23:51

have a shot in the Senate seat? He's been

23:53

endorsed by Donald Trump. So the

23:55

question really is, Montana, do you want

23:57

your state and a set of capabilities?

24:00

hands or in a set of

24:02

hands that bobbled a Colt 44 like

24:04

a children's party clown. And maybe

24:07

that clown was juggling a bunch of Colt

24:09

44's. This is Montana we're talking about. Who

24:11

knows what people do over there? Well

24:14

either way if you want to make

24:16

sure this guy and other guys exactly

24:18

like him don't get into office then

24:20

head over to votesaveamerica.com 2024 to

24:23

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24:31

Coming up next please I'm begging

24:33

you help an old white man out will you?

24:37

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24:41

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code LOVEIT. This

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show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Is

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there something I need to get off my chest? What is

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man, you know, I don't know. Pushing

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first month. That's BetterHelp,

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help.com/Love It. I already

28:25

can't believe it so much. Now, please welcome to

28:27

the stage my first guest, the hilarious

28:29

Yamanika Saunders and

28:32

the uproarious Jared Goldstein. Whoo!

28:35

Thanks for having us. Thank

28:37

you for being here. Now,

28:40

you guys are both here because

28:42

you're doing the next session. I'm so

28:45

happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm

28:48

so happy to be here. You guys are

28:50

both here because you're doing

28:53

the Netflix as a joke festival. How is

28:55

that going? Terrible. I'm

28:59

bombing all over. Really?

29:03

No. I'm actually crushing, it's really fun. So

29:06

plug where you're going to be. I'm

29:08

going to be at the

29:10

Drag Brunch on Sunday. Yes,

29:13

it's at Outside Jokes at the Palladium.

29:15

And then Sunday night I'm headlining the

29:17

Improv Lab. That's what I'm doing.

29:22

Yamanika, what are you doing for the

29:24

festival? I did my show already at

29:26

the store for the Barbie show. I

29:28

did it on Monday. Nice. The

29:30

rest of the time here, it's been

29:33

prepping for my Sirius XM show that comes

29:35

out June 4th. What's that

29:38

going to be? It's

29:40

called Off Topic with Yamanika. It's going to

29:42

be on Kevin Hart's LOL radio. Nice.

29:45

And you said when's it coming out? June 4th. Nice.

29:50

Have you taped any or is it going to be a live show?

29:53

It will be a live show, but we've

29:55

done some rehearsals and tests to see how it goes.

29:57

And it's going well? Or are you in way? over

30:00

your head. Oh my god, I'm drowning,

30:02

I'm drowning. No, I mean, listen, I

30:04

don't want to say anything until things

30:07

are what they are, but I have faith.

30:10

Nice, nice. It's a

30:13

fun place to work. I like it over there. It's a good

30:15

feeling. Did you guys get to go

30:17

to the big Ted Sarandos party for

30:20

the Netflix? Apparently, I heard from people, there's

30:22

a big

30:25

party in Ted Sarandos' front

30:27

yard for this

30:30

festival. This is the first time

30:32

hearing of it. Oh, well, you're my

30:34

news source. You missed it. But it just

30:36

takes solace in the fact that he only

30:38

let him in the front yard. You're

30:40

not going to like comedian in the

30:42

back yard. I mean, they might use

30:44

the downstairs bathroom and you don't want

30:46

that. I know a rich gay

30:49

guy who has two houses and one of

30:51

them is for parties. Do

30:53

you know who I'm talking about? Look,

30:57

we all know gay people, ladies.

31:00

Does he want to come up

31:02

here? How do you guys feel

31:11

about, I mean, and this isn't just an observation that

31:14

I made, it just seems like stand

31:16

up comedy, at least what you see

31:18

on your computer now is just crowd

31:20

work on Tik Tok. I mean, why

31:22

is it so much crowd work? Why

31:24

is everybody just does the crowd work?

31:28

Listen, people don't want to lose

31:30

their material. They want you to pay for the goods. But I wish

31:34

it wasn't so much crowd work because then

31:36

people come to shows and they think it's all about them

31:39

and somebody talking to them. And they

31:41

get a rude awakening when they come

31:43

to see my show. I also wish

31:45

that it wasn't so much crowd work

31:47

because I am bad at it. Do

31:51

you both get hecklers now because of

31:53

the because of this sort of open

31:55

dialogue sort of notion? You

31:57

know, I sort of have like never had like true

32:00

hecklers like ever. Is

32:03

that weird?

32:05

Yeah. I don't know. I feel

32:07

like I started like nine years ago and I feel

32:09

like I don't know. I feel like the idea of

32:11

a heckler is like this kind of like 80s

32:14

thing. Right. I think most people I

32:17

haven't had anyone like really come after me or

32:19

say anything crazy to me. Usually

32:21

like the heckling I get is like someone

32:23

who is like probably a little bit drunk

32:25

and a little too excited and a little

32:27

bit too like they think it's a participation

32:29

thing. Yeah. Yeah. Which is in

32:32

a way really difficult to handle because they're

32:34

being nice and like kind of shutting it down

32:36

feels like rude and I'm afraid of like losing

32:38

other people by like admonishing someone who's excited to

32:40

be there. That's kind of more the heckling I

32:42

have to deal with. I see. Yeah. And Yamanika

32:44

how did you learn how to deal with hecklers

32:46

or was it built in? There's

32:49

so many things going on right

32:52

now because one you saying heckling is

32:54

an 80s thing. Is that crazy? I

32:56

might be crazy. I'm probably wrong. Yeah.

32:58

Like a homeless man heckled

33:00

me on the way up here. I don't

33:02

know. Is it you also seem quite positive

33:04

because you're concerned about what's

33:16

going on and you're trying

33:18

to get their backstory. If

33:20

somebody even sneezes during

33:23

my show I'm a customer.

33:26

Yeah. Be quiet. Shut down your

33:28

body. Well I guess if I

33:30

open heckling up

33:35

to sneezing I've been heckled. I

33:41

guess laughter would be okay though wouldn't it? Or

33:43

do you have people so on edge? No. I'm

33:45

like you better not laugh.

33:48

No. I'm listen. You

33:51

know I don't like if you heckle me

33:54

once you see my act. If

33:56

you crazy I'm crazy right. So it might be

33:58

a relative of mine. because

34:01

I don't think any sane person would

34:04

do it. Sometimes people do, you

34:06

know? But I

34:08

feel like the

34:11

type of heckling and laughter is also

34:13

a thing, you know? Like it was so funny.

34:15

I don't know how many people are gonna know this because a lot

34:17

of white people here. But there's

34:20

a- I noticed that too. I'm

34:25

like a little scared for black people. But

34:28

as a pastor, I forget

34:31

his name, he's married to Shaquille O'Neal's

34:34

ex-wife, right? And so

34:36

he just shut somebody down and during

34:38

the service that was praising, you know, doing what seemed

34:41

like praising to God and all that. And he told

34:43

him, be quiet. And people were like, well, why would

34:45

you do that? This person seems to

34:47

be praising God. And he said, well, I know the

34:49

difference between praising God and just being

34:51

a disturbance. So sometimes people like laugh and

34:53

they're obnoxious where they be like, why would

34:56

you stop that person from laughing? Cause they be

34:58

an asshole and they know they don't laugh like that. They

35:00

know that shit ain't that damn funny. You know what I'm

35:02

saying? So. Yeah. Yeah,

35:06

that's a good thing to tell a crowd, look, I know

35:08

that wasn't that funny. Calm

35:10

down. Yeah, yeah, calm down. Yeah, what if it's

35:12

not about you? Do you ever like, sometimes like,

35:15

in early in a set, people will be really warm

35:18

and they're laughing and I'm insecure. And I'm like, oh,

35:20

they're just being nice. Like, this isn't even that funny.

35:22

And then like a little later in the set, like

35:24

I will start to actually bomb. And I'm like, oh

35:26

no, they're actually not nice. I was being funny and

35:29

now I'm not. But like in

35:31

the beginning, when it was good, I was like, they're just

35:33

faking it. And then I'm like, oh fuck, no, no,

35:35

now they're not faking it. I

35:38

have that sometimes. Well, it's good that you

35:40

know. Yeah, it is nice. Yeah, the blossoming

35:42

of self knowledge. Yeah. All

35:45

right, well guys, I didn't invite you here just

35:48

to chat. Oh, no. I

35:51

actually need your help. They

35:54

told me that in keeping with John's

35:57

normal sort of rap

36:00

that's on this show is that he's old

36:02

and out of touch. I'm

36:04

a lot older than him. So

36:08

I have a list of topics that I

36:10

need you guys to explain to me. And

36:12

if you can't explain a particular topic,

36:15

just say pass, because

36:17

I am so terrified. I have a library's

36:19

worth of questions for both of you. You're

36:22

about to get canceled. Be

36:24

careful. Honestly, I spend a lot of

36:26

time at home, so cancellation would not.

36:30

I would get more done on the house, frankly. Well,

36:34

we're calling this segment Help An Old

36:36

White Man Out. Are you guys ready?

36:38

Oh, yeah, look, they made it traffic.

36:42

I love how I'm saying thank God. Finally.

36:47

But why the hell are our nurses in? Oh,

36:49

because we helping you out. Because you're helping.

36:51

Yeah, you're both medical professionals. You look good.

36:53

This looks like a show. No,

36:55

you look like the doctor, and I look like

36:57

I'm taking his intake patient information. Well,

37:01

I can say I've been on a lot of

37:03

osmempic in that. Me

37:05

too. All

37:08

right, this is one

37:10

that I heard the Met

37:13

Gala, the Met Gala, however

37:15

you say it. I

37:18

listened to some of this sort of

37:20

play by play of it, and

37:23

everything was, it's giving this. This

37:27

outfit is giving movie star. This

37:29

outfit is giving, or the story

37:31

of this outfit, which I'm like,

37:34

a dress does not tell

37:36

a story. Even if you're

37:38

dressed like little Bo Peep, it doesn't tell

37:40

a fucking story. A story is a story.

37:42

You know? The Met Gala, yeah, because

37:44

they got themes and stuff. Yeah, yeah. But

37:47

I think whatever they got going on, and the fact

37:49

that it's giving is

37:52

where you're getting hung up. What does

37:54

that mean? Yeah, why not just this

37:56

look? You're giving something. Yeah, yeah. Remember

37:59

when the. all the white people

38:01

gave the Native American smallpox. I

38:04

remember that. It's giving,

38:06

right? I was against that though.

38:09

I was against, I said, can we just

38:11

give them blankets? Oh, yeah, okay. Regular blankets?

38:14

Would that be so bad? They're

38:17

blankets. All

38:20

right, here, let's move on. Let's

38:25

move off the smallpox. We got it. In

38:29

my experience, it's a comedy killer. Let's

38:33

go to the movie, Challengers. Yeah.

38:38

Now, back in my day, Minagettois, with two

38:41

guys and a lady, was called the Devil's

38:43

Threesome. But we're probably

38:45

past that point in history. Now,

38:50

what's up with all this

38:52

polyamory? I

38:56

hear about that, and it just seems I

38:58

just don't understand why anyone would want to disappoint more than

39:01

one person at a time. Yeah,

39:05

I've never been polyamorous. I

39:07

just got out of my first relationship,

39:09

and it's so time consuming. I don't

39:11

know how anyone has the time to

39:14

be in more than one. Yeah, I

39:16

don't know. Do you have

39:18

a feeling on polyamory at all?

39:22

I mean, I'm 45 now, so

39:24

I'ma get whatever amory. I

39:29

can't get amorons. And

39:35

now that you mention polyamory, it does sound

39:38

a little bit like parrot-fucking. All

39:44

right, what is Riz?

39:48

I don't know what the fuck it is. They

39:52

had it in some of the notes for this

39:54

thing, and they're like something like, yeah, it's

39:56

Riz, the Kennedy cousin or whatever. What

39:58

is Riz? Oh, he's

40:01

got charisma. Are we really in

40:03

that bigger hurry these days? Right.

40:05

They can't have, you know like.

40:07

And charisma's a fun word. Charisma.

40:09

Right, incredibly. Charisma carpenter even. Yeah,

40:11

yeah, yeah. Woo! Yeah,

40:15

that's, well that's, I mean that's an easy

40:17

one. Riz, why? I didn't know that. Riz?

40:20

You didn't know that? Yeah, yeah. Riz. I

40:22

guess it's a TikTok thing. I don't feel

40:25

so dumb. Yeah. Cause if

40:27

you, just get rid of charisma you don't want to

40:29

use the whole word. Right. I

40:31

also think fire is dumb. Everyone

40:34

says fire instead of cool now. That's fire,

40:36

that's fire, that's fire. I'm

40:38

still on cool, I don't know. I think it's dumb. Maybe

40:41

you need to add another old black bitch to the

40:44

title of it. Oh boy. The

40:46

last three days I don't really know what's happening. Yeah.

40:52

All right, let's add, we'll have

40:54

to change the graphic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

40:56

I love you and I have a tapioca pudding

40:58

together. I mean,

41:01

I'm watching Matt block together. Yes.

41:07

All right, I mean, it's been in the news

41:10

a lot. There's this rap beef

41:12

that everyone's been talking about. And of course I'm

41:14

talking about Macklemore's new protest

41:16

song against the US government. Are

41:20

we still making fun of Macklemore? Aren't

41:23

we? Okay, good. We've taken a

41:25

vote. Have you heard this? Like he's out, like it's

41:27

against the US government. It seems

41:29

a little desperate to me. Like, this

41:32

is real? Yeah, it's real. Oh,

41:34

okay. I thought he was really gonna

41:36

say it's freaking, yeah. No, no,

41:38

Macklemore apparently has a song out

41:40

that's like about the government's handling

41:42

of, is it Gaza? Is that what it is?

41:45

Yeah, yeah. Oh, good for him. Yeah, yeah, good

41:47

for him, you know. You think that's the first

41:49

one to do that? No,

41:51

no, no. First rapper, yeah, yeah. No, no, I don't

41:53

think he's the first one to do that, but it

41:55

does seem, it's the first Macklemore song I've heard about

41:57

in a long time, so. Yeah, I mean. He

42:00

must have gotten a publicist. Yeah,

42:03

because I'm thinking, when you said Macklemore, it did

42:05

take me a minute. First of all, you said

42:07

Mac-la-ro, or some shit like that. So I was

42:09

like, who's that? I have a thick tongue. No,

42:11

no, no, no, no. Can we see that? I

42:14

got it. Is it the... Yeah,

42:19

you can put some ketchup and mayo on that thing.

42:22

It's two slices of bread, okay? All

42:27

I can say is my wife only has

42:29

a few complaints. No,

42:36

seriously, of course, I was

42:38

referring to the Kendrick Lamar versus Drake beef.

42:40

I don't have a fucking clue as to

42:42

what that's about. Like, how did that start?

42:45

They don't like Drake, because Drake is not from

42:47

America. He's from Canada. He's from Canada.

42:50

And don't nobody like anybody from

42:52

Canada. He was on Degrassi. Yeah, right.

42:54

He was Jimmy on Degrassi. Right. How

42:57

you went from a wheelchair to rapping in America

42:59

was wild. Yeah, yeah. But... The

43:02

thing I love, his first name is Aubrey. Right.

43:04

Oh, so you do know something. I

43:06

know... Okay, because you know that much about

43:08

Drake. I know Degrassi. I

43:10

know Canadian teen dramas. That's what I know.

43:13

Oh, okay, okay. But I do not know...

43:15

It's hard to know more about Drake and

43:17

Malcomore than I do. I didn't even know

43:19

that was a song yet. I've learned so

43:21

much this week. From

43:24

putting together this show. Let's call

43:26

this segment, Help an Extremely

43:28

Young Gay Asian Jewish Man

43:31

Out. Yes. We're

43:34

all being... This is people helping people,

43:36

really. Oh my God, that's beautiful. But

43:39

we are getting pretty good now. We're

43:41

getting happy. Get

43:44

in the middle. Get in the middle. How

43:50

was that? We'll get out of there. All

43:53

the amarets. Okay,

43:57

let's see. What else do I

43:59

have here? I

44:02

know this is a topic near and dear to your heart, Jared.

44:05

I can read it for you, would that help? Okay.

44:09

Oh my God, this is... Okay. This

44:13

is feeding you here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is

44:15

kind of a problem. Why are men's bags so

44:17

big nowadays? Okay,

44:20

I don't know. Are

44:22

you noticing that bags in general, they're

44:24

big. They used to be tiny. Tiny

44:26

was popular, and now we're swinging another

44:28

way, now they're really big. And it's

44:30

just frustrating for me because I don't

44:32

actually need a big bag. I have

44:34

my phone, my AirPods, and my Chapstick

44:36

in there. So if I have this

44:38

big bag now, nothing's gonna go in there. Or

44:40

if I do fill it up, I have a neck and I

44:42

have a shoulder and I have a C4 issue, and

44:45

I can't be carrying around a big, giant bag.

44:49

And I just see guys on the

44:51

subway just perfectly dressed, very, very cool,

44:53

with a giant, giant duffel filled. And

44:55

it's filled almost like it's filled with

44:57

paper because it's filled perfect. It's like

45:00

perfectly cylindrical, and I swear, I want

45:02

to be like, open it. Show

45:04

me what's inside of it right now. Show me

45:06

what's in that duffel bag. And I'm just trying to... I'm

45:09

just bummed because I bought like 15 little bags and

45:11

now I feel

45:13

like I'm like, chuggy or something for having a little

45:15

bag. This is

45:17

not resonating with no one. You

45:23

live in New York? No, but I'm there, and

45:25

it's there too. But you see a lot of fashion in New

45:27

York, and there's just a lot of bags and a lot of

45:29

people on the move. And look, I don't have a boyfriend or

45:31

a job, so I'm like, I don't have anything in there. But

45:34

I need a bag for her. Yeah,

45:38

I just feel like in LA, your

45:40

car is your bag. Yes, that is

45:42

all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, mine

45:44

is hilarious. I have salt and pepper

45:47

packets in the little arm well. And

45:49

my wife thinks it's hilarious. And

45:51

I have band-aids, I have a

45:54

toothbrush. I am ready for the

45:56

shit to go down. hills

46:01

and you know and I will have you

46:03

know salt and pepper and ketchup packets and

46:06

I have a mustard packet that I keep in a bag for

46:09

I've actually I've never

46:12

used it but if

46:14

self-defense you

46:17

know are you done I'm sure

46:19

no I think you should be

46:27

tiny too I live in New York

46:29

I live in Harlem I've been in

46:32

New York 25 years out

46:36

of this this large bag crisis y'all

46:39

talking about I ain't seen it I definitely

46:44

if you see a man with a

46:46

large bag running around New York City

46:48

he doesn't rob somebody you

46:51

know it was a cover for

46:53

his shopping cart there's no reason

46:56

for a man to have a large bag or

46:59

it might be full of pajmina's he's

47:01

going to sell on the street again

47:04

robbing you know what I

47:06

know what he's doing with

47:08

that you know yeah

47:11

well guys

47:14

thank you so much for it I

47:16

don't know if anyone learned anything but we

47:18

certainly pass the time we learned a lot

47:20

about you doing this I mean

47:25

I'm not ashamed of the inside of your mouth

47:27

all right great well thank

47:29

you yamanique and Jared topic with

47:39

yamanique it premieres on Sirius XM on

47:41

June 4th and

47:45

go see Jared at the Hollywood improv on

47:47

May 12 up next we've

47:49

got a real stinger on our hands alright

47:52

folks moving right along

47:55

we mentioned it briefly during

48:00

the monologue, but the internet is abuzz

48:03

about MAGA voters allegedly declaring their

48:05

love for Donald Trump by embracing

48:07

a new symbol of their reverence,

48:10

the adult diaper. Now

48:13

we weren't sure what to make of it, so we

48:15

put out a call for any member of the right

48:18

who finds himself sitting on a plastic cloud

48:21

to join us for an open and

48:23

honest conversation. We got one taker, please

48:25

welcome to the stage the actual

48:27

founder of Diapers Over Dems, Herman

48:30

J. Pampers. Herman? Hello,

48:34

hello Herman. Hello Hollywood

48:36

liberals. Hello,

48:38

hello. Great to be here. Thank you,

48:41

have a seat. Oh, this is a

48:43

room full of toilet users if I

48:45

ever saw one. Damn Hollywood. Hi, are

48:47

you, you're okay there sitting in that?

48:50

I didn't hear any squishing. I'm

48:53

very comfortable. I could sit on any seat

48:55

no matter how hard. Nice. All

48:57

right, well I have to ask right off the top

48:59

Herman. The last

49:01

name Pampers, is that a coincidence or is there

49:04

a familial lineage to the diapers? I

49:07

don't understand what you're talking about. My

49:09

last name isn't Diapers. Pampers. What?

49:11

The diapers Pampers? Oh, my

49:14

last name is Pampers. It has nothing to do with

49:16

it. Oh, there's no S on the end of my

49:18

last name. All right. I

49:21

understand. No, there's no

49:23

connection. Why is

49:25

that a crazy coincidence? Just because you are

49:28

part of a diaper, a pro diaper

49:30

organization and your last name is Pampers.

49:33

There's lots of different companies that make

49:35

diapers. Yeah, but your

49:37

last name isn't Huggy. Well, what

49:39

if it was? That

49:42

too would be ironic. My

49:46

last name is Pampers and I wear

49:48

a diaper by choice. I

49:50

don't know what part of that is confusing to

49:52

you. Now, have

49:54

you been wearing one for a long

49:57

time or did you just start once

49:59

former president? Trump sort of wear or the

50:01

started to be rumored to be wearing them. He

50:04

wears them. I don't know. You're

50:07

sure about that. Absolutely. Absolutely.

50:09

Yeah. That's why I wear my

50:11

own self. Here's what happens. This is one of

50:13

those things you liberals just don't understand about. I

50:16

love a story. Okay. If

50:20

there's something about Donald Trump that you all

50:22

start to make fun of or criticize or

50:24

whatever, we go ahead and we

50:26

own it. You try to

50:28

get them a mug shot down there

50:30

in Georgia. We'll put it on a

50:33

goddamn coffee mug. Hey, I just got

50:35

that mug shot on a mug. Yeah.

50:37

That's funny. I never said

50:39

it out loud before. You just been making

50:41

money off it. Yeah. It's

50:43

a mug shot mug. Yeah. That's smarter

50:45

than I thought. That is good. You

50:49

say, oh, it's bad. He's got a

50:51

mug shot. He's been arrested. We say,

50:54

Oh, watch me make a million dollars

50:56

on mug shot. Wow. Likewise with

50:58

diapers. You try

51:00

to say, Oh, Donald Trump, let's make fun of

51:02

him because the man shits and

51:05

pisses wherever and whenever he is.

51:07

Right. Well, we're owning it

51:09

now. We're normalizing it and we're making it

51:11

a thing. Every

51:14

true Republican I know now is

51:16

wearing a diaper. Are

51:20

you also like having multiple bankruptcies and things

51:22

like that? Like, are you trying to follow

51:25

in his footsteps? No matter how

51:27

you are you going to think of the time? Okay.

51:30

You plan on burying an ex wife on a

51:33

golf course? Not

51:35

even on the golf course in

51:37

a like an area where they like

51:39

compost. You're going to do that

51:41

too. Well, I will. If I

51:44

could, if I own a golf course, I'd bury in a number

51:46

of my wives there. But

51:49

that is a serious thing. When you get married, one

51:51

of the things in the prenup is you got to

51:53

say, I have the right to determine where you'll be

51:56

buried. Even

51:58

if we get divorced. Right. Wow,

52:00

that is... you are forward-sinking. I'm thinking on that.

52:02

You are really forward-thinking. Yeah, because that's a great

52:04

way to stick it to him at the very

52:06

end. Yeah, yeah. I noticed you're

52:08

not wearing a lot of makeup. Why would

52:10

I? Well, because Donald Trump wears a...

52:13

No, he doesn't. He

52:15

gets a lot of sun, and it

52:18

has a peculiar effect on his skin. That

52:22

it wouldn't necessarily have on anybody else. Yeah,

52:25

that Florida sun, it turns you into a

52:27

terracotta pot. Have

52:30

you ever been down to Florida? I didn't think so. You

52:33

didn't give me a chance to answer. Correct. But

52:35

not in a long time. Seriously,

52:37

I told you. Now,

52:42

was this campaign inspired by Trump

52:44

allegedly farting in court? Like,

52:46

is that when you guys started to... Why do you say

52:49

allegedly? He farts in court. Is

52:53

that part of the can-do spirit that you like

52:55

about the guy? I love it. Yeah, he

52:57

just... He doesn't

53:00

follow the rules, he makes the rules. That's

53:02

exactly right. What are you supposed to do?

53:04

Go to the bathroom to fart? Come on

53:06

now. That's

53:09

a whole different movement. That's a whole different

53:11

group. You said movement. I

53:16

don't understand why that's a group. We're

53:19

diapers over dems. I

53:22

understand. There's a group called farting on libs.

53:26

That's a different group. This

53:29

is a group, they eat a high-gassy

53:31

diet. And then they

53:33

go to a place where liberals might

53:35

be. Expensive coffee shop, bicycle

53:38

repair. Moby's

53:41

tea shop. I'm talking about one of

53:43

those places where you bring your bicycle

53:46

and there's a collective of people fixing

53:48

bicycles. That's what I'm talking

53:50

about. Bicycle repair collective. Infuri. Ridiculous.

53:54

Oh boy. An eco-village. They

53:57

go to places like this, haven't

53:59

had a high-gassy diet. diet. Right.

54:01

Your beans, your broccoli. Sure. And

54:03

then they just fart on lips.

54:05

Wow. That's

54:07

just a way of owning. You try to make

54:09

fun of Donald Trump for farting in court. He

54:12

knows where he is Manhattan. He's farting on

54:14

lips. Wow. Now,

54:18

has it been hard to convince

54:20

your fellow Trump supporters to

54:23

wear diapers which they then

54:25

evacuate their bowels and bladders

54:27

into? Actually it has been

54:29

fantastically easy. Really? I was

54:32

surprised too. But

54:35

you know what it is we put Donald Trump's

54:37

face on it and they'll take anything. Wow. Is

54:40

it on the outside or the inside? I'm a

54:43

diaper. Wow. Put it on both sides. They're

54:45

all around. There's four of them. You

54:47

figured out. But

54:51

you know it seems like a lot of people

54:53

have thought about it before because a lot of

54:56

the times we'll hand them out at rallies you

54:58

know. Yeah, sure. And they'll say I've been thinking

55:00

about making this change to my life. What

55:03

a pain in the ass they have to go to

55:05

the bathroom. Right? Right. Sure. I tell you it's so

55:07

much better and you know what's happened to me it's

55:09

kind of a miracle. I no

55:12

longer know when I need

55:14

to pee or poo. Do

55:17

you know what I mean? I guess. It

55:19

just it just happens. Right.

55:22

And at some point somebody one of my

55:24

friends will say I think you've gone in

55:26

your pants and I'll check and they're right.

55:30

But I didn't even I wasn't even aware of it.

55:32

Right. It's just been a wonderful new

55:34

facet of my life because it's freed

55:37

up my mind to think about some

55:39

of the other things. I

55:42

have not seen the inside of a

55:44

bathroom in two years. They

55:49

tell me well now their bathrooms are

55:51

no gender all gender gender gender. I

55:53

don't know nothing about it. Wow.

55:57

And it also it seems to you know.

56:00

It brings your friends closer your

56:02

friends are getting very involved. Oh, yeah.

56:04

Yeah. Yeah, that's part of the movement.

56:06

Oh Boy, you

56:09

said it. I see what you're getting. Yeah.

56:11

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah people call that a bowel.

56:13

They sure do All right. They sure do.

56:15

Well, I but I don't know what else

56:18

to call us. We're a movement. It's

56:20

a problem. But anyway We

56:24

in this movement we should we help each

56:26

other out It's a real is a real

56:28

fellowship where we'll say to one another. I

56:30

think you've got it shit in your pants

56:34

We're just leaning on one another's is quite

56:36

beautiful But isn't part

56:38

of not caring not caring and just

56:40

you know going on. I mean because

56:43

you know President Trump, I

56:46

mean a former

56:48

representative Kinzinger said that that

56:50

he smells really bad and he's

56:53

surprised that people haven't mentioned that before and then

56:55

he smells like a combination

56:57

of armpit butt and

56:59

makeup Like

57:03

the smell of makeup and

57:05

enough makeup to override butt and

57:07

armpit That's a lot of

57:09

makeup. It's not overriding it but it's in there.

57:11

Oh, it's yeah. All right. I get it It's

57:13

part of the middle on I think that's that

57:16

sounds like a wonderful smell Matter of fact, some

57:18

of us have been trying to get

57:20

it as a sense the power it up

57:22

called You know owed to Trump something

57:25

like that. Very nice. Thank you Got

57:28

one clap The

57:31

lady that knows games Surprised

57:41

Some call it Holly weird I've heard that

57:43

before yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was your question

57:45

though? I don't even really remember honestly, I

57:47

don't I was just standing back there and

57:50

I heard my name Blame

57:53

me what it what have your out? What's your outreach

57:55

been like? I mean, do you have a campaign that

57:57

you set up at the rallies at the Trump? because

58:00

I imagine Trump rallies are the real sweet

58:02

spot. Yeah, well

58:04

our goal is for every single person in

58:06

a Trump rally to be wearing an adult

58:08

diaper. Wow. And we're getting there.

58:10

Wow. And summer's

58:12

coming. What's your

58:15

point? You think it's

58:17

different to wear a diaper in the summertime? I

58:19

do. Well, all right. I will

58:21

mention that there's adult diaper rash

58:23

is a thing. I

58:27

will concede that it does happen. But

58:29

again, probably a bonding experience for you

58:31

guys. Yeah, sure. We talk

58:33

about different ways of treating our rashes.

58:35

Now, I was looking at some photos

58:41

of some of Trump's rallies recently. Oh,

58:43

diaper rashes? As I do in my

58:45

spare time, I just, I

58:48

really have nothing else to do. Once I

58:50

finished Shogun, it was Trump

58:52

rally photo looking. I couldn't get past

58:54

the man being boiled alive. Oh,

58:57

you got to power through that. That

59:00

was it for me. Really? You checked

59:02

out after that. I thought it

59:04

was going to be a show about people showing their guns.

59:10

Wow. That at all. It

59:12

sure isn't. No, it certainly isn't. Well,

59:15

we have some photos here from some people

59:18

at some Trump rallies. And I'm just wondering

59:21

if you can help us out and tell

59:23

us if you think these people are

59:25

wearing diapers, or whether they're

59:28

not. Oh, well, absolutely. I

59:31

mean, maybe some of them are, you know, your followers.

59:33

They could very easily, but probably I know that. Right,

59:35

right, right. All right, up

59:37

first. Yeah. You're

59:39

going to come up over there? Oh, yes. Okay,

59:42

there's a woman right there. She's

59:44

joyfully holding up her arms in

59:46

North Carolina. That's the contentedness of a

59:48

woman in a diaper. I

59:51

think she's just letting rip right there. She's letting it rip.

59:54

And of course she is. Wow. And

59:56

of all these people, think of how hard it would be

59:58

to get into a bathroom. Now granted, the line. for

1:00:00

the men's room looks like it's gonna be longer than for

1:00:02

the women's room here. But

1:00:04

still an all around. Yeah, yeah. It'd be a pain

1:00:07

in the neck to get to a bathroom from there.

1:00:09

So she's just saying, hot dog, I'm doing it. Right

1:00:12

here. Right now. Look at her

1:00:15

go. Yeah. Good for her.

1:00:17

I guess. Yeah. Now next, we've got a

1:00:19

couple. A couple. In

1:00:22

MAGA hat. What

1:00:24

makes you say ew about that?

1:00:26

That is two beautiful young people

1:00:28

making out in their Make America

1:00:30

Great Again hats. Sure. That's hard.

1:00:33

They gotta arrange the bills

1:00:35

just so they can get their lips to one another.

1:00:38

They do? They do. Now

1:00:40

do you think, now they see these people are sitting in the front row.

1:00:42

Do you think they're diapered up? I mean they

1:00:44

would have easy access to the bathroom.

1:00:46

No. Well, I'd say they're

1:00:48

diapered up. Yeah. They

1:00:51

might be, actually they might be smelling each other.

1:00:53

It could be a little couple smell check. Yeah.

1:00:56

Could be a whisper of like, honey, I

1:00:59

think you left me a present. Yeah.

1:01:02

Something like that. I like them. I

1:01:04

like the idea of the two of them just taking

1:01:06

a dump where they sit. All

1:01:08

right. Now

1:01:11

how about these two buddies here? This

1:01:13

is at a Wisconsin rally. They're out

1:01:15

in the rain. Yep. Now

1:01:17

why wouldn't you use the excuse to go to the bathroom

1:01:19

to get out of the rain? I'd

1:01:23

rather be in God's rain than a

1:01:26

bathroom. All right. One

1:01:31

of them doesn't look too happy about it though. You

1:01:33

think they're both diaper wearers though for sure? Nope. I'd

1:01:35

tell you exactly what's going on. The one on the right, fellow

1:01:37

who's smiling, he's got a diaper on. Okay.

1:01:41

The other one is trying to figure out when am

1:01:43

I going to have a chance to go to the

1:01:45

goddamn bathroom. That's what's

1:01:47

happening there. Wow. Okay.

1:01:50

I'm going to drink a lot of Budweiser to get that jacket.

1:01:54

All right. Next,

1:01:57

here's a normal enough looking. woman

1:02:00

at a Trump rally. Uh-huh.

1:02:02

She has a Trump won save

1:02:05

America. Now does this woman have

1:02:07

a deuce in her drawers? Well

1:02:09

no, this is a different situation. This woman

1:02:11

is nude from the waist down. Is

1:02:17

that something Trump does? Does Trump porky

1:02:19

pig it around town? Is

1:02:21

that catching on? Yeah,

1:02:25

he does that. He does that, yeah. That

1:02:27

is a rumor and that is alleged. He

1:02:30

alleged porky pigs it around town, as you

1:02:33

say. But no,

1:02:35

that might just kind of be her own

1:02:37

thing. That is an awful picture. I mean,

1:02:39

and I have no room to talk about

1:02:42

unattractive porky pig in it, but

1:02:46

I mean, at least I have a winning

1:02:48

personality. As opposed

1:02:51

to who? Never

1:02:53

mind. Finally,

1:02:56

here's a MAGA supporter at a

1:02:58

New Hampshire rally. Wow. He

1:03:01

is, of course, wearing a huge mask

1:03:03

of Trump's face and eating a

1:03:05

loose hamburger. Is that

1:03:09

guy one of yours? I

1:03:11

don't know. I can't see. Oh, I

1:03:13

see, it's camouflage. Oh, it is a camouflage pant. I

1:03:16

didn't see his pants there at first.

1:03:18

I had a hard time. Yeah. It's

1:03:20

camouflage. No,

1:03:23

I think that's a fella who's walking

1:03:25

around going, all right, I got a hamburger. Now

1:03:27

where am I going to get a diaper? Wouldn't

1:03:34

you be there? Aren't you there? Like, you know,

1:03:36

with a table? I don't know where this one

1:03:38

is. I can't make it to all of them. You know.

1:03:41

Wait, here, I think I had it. You do? You

1:03:43

know where this one is? New Hampshire. Oh, oh,

1:03:46

yeah, yeah. No, I don't go

1:03:48

up to the goddamn Northeast. Really?

1:03:51

Yeah, fuck that. They

1:03:55

call it New England as if the old one

1:03:57

wasn't bad enough. You

1:04:00

have a point. Thank you. I don't know what

1:04:02

it is, but I'm assuming

1:04:04

you have a point. Now,

1:04:07

have you evacuated at any point during

1:04:09

this interview? I have no idea. Really?

1:04:13

I don't know what's going on. It

1:04:15

smells like maybe. Well,

1:04:23

is there really, like you

1:04:25

went up through this far in

1:04:28

your life without wearing adult diapers,

1:04:30

then Donald Trump inspired

1:04:33

you to start? Is there really no part of

1:04:35

you that finds this unappealing in

1:04:37

some way? To who?

1:04:40

To yourself. No, I

1:04:42

absolutely love it. You love wearing

1:04:45

shit pants. They're

1:04:47

not always shit pants. When

1:04:50

I put them on, they're nothing pants. And then

1:04:53

first they do become pee pants. Typically.

1:04:56

Typically. And then at some point they might

1:04:58

be, yeah, well, they will become poo pants.

1:05:00

And then I take them off and I

1:05:02

change them into another pair

1:05:04

of nothing pants. Is

1:05:06

this in fact making America great? Yeah,

1:05:09

I think it is. Listen,

1:05:12

don't ask me to explain how it's a

1:05:14

complicated process. But

1:05:17

I think America will become great through this

1:05:19

process of people forgetting all this. Because it's

1:05:21

one of these liberal say, now we got

1:05:23

the bathrooms and the genders. And we say

1:05:25

you can have them. The bathrooms are all

1:05:27

yours, liberal. Wow. Isn't that

1:05:30

conceding defeat? No, that's saying, we didn't like

1:05:32

the bathroom anyway. Those are the stinkiest room

1:05:34

anywhere. You have them. Those are for

1:05:36

you liberals. Enjoy your bathrooms. And you're taking the

1:05:38

stink to the streets, right? That's

1:05:40

right. You know,

1:05:44

Republicans' houses these days are being built

1:05:46

without bathrooms. You know that, right? Wow,

1:05:50

I did not know that. Yep. Wow.

1:05:53

I'm putting all that money on plumbing, everything else. I'm

1:05:56

going to give all that money. I'm putting all

1:05:58

that money into mugshot mugs. Wow. Wow.

1:06:01

That is, it's got to be

1:06:03

fun for the sanitation departments of

1:06:06

your towns. What? Because

1:06:09

there's just huge piles of diapers now. Yeah.

1:06:11

Soiled adult diapers. Okay, sure. What's

1:06:15

the problem? Have you

1:06:17

heard of the brain worm that RFK had?

1:06:21

I did hear about that brain worm. Yeah,

1:06:23

yeah. Yeah. You ever think

1:06:26

maybe you might have one yourself? That I

1:06:28

might have one myself? Not to

1:06:30

be too judgmental. It's

1:06:32

very, very rare that I see a brain, that

1:06:35

I see a worm crawl out of my ear. But

1:06:39

it does happen. It's rare. All

1:06:41

right. It's

1:06:43

like two a year at most. Okay,

1:06:46

that's good. Is

1:06:48

there anything that you'd like the listeners at home

1:06:50

to take away from this conversation? I mean, what

1:06:53

are you hoping to gain from this whole thing? Well,

1:06:55

I just want everybody to understand that

1:06:58

it's perfectly fine and normal to have

1:07:00

a president, a wonderful president who

1:07:03

shits and pisses behind the resolute desk,

1:07:07

a local office in his pants.

1:07:10

And that's going to be the best way

1:07:12

to make America great again. Okay,

1:07:16

well, thank you, Andy Daly.

1:07:18

I mean, Herman. What? Herman

1:07:21

Pampers. Herman Pampers. Let's

1:07:23

give it up for him, folks. Andy Daly. Well,

1:07:25

it's really

1:07:28

Andy Daly. When

1:07:32

we come back, it's time for the rat whale. Don't

1:07:35

go anywhere. Love it or leave it. And

1:07:38

there's more on the way. This podcast is

1:07:40

brought to you by Americans United for separation

1:07:42

of church and state. Americans United

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defends your freedom to live as yourself and

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don't harm others. Core freedoms and even democracy

1:07:51

itself rest upon the wall of separation between

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United... United is fighting back. Freedom

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au.org.crooked. That's

1:08:10

au.org.crooked. David

1:08:13

taught himself how to make bread, good

1:08:15

bread. He wanted to get

1:08:17

even better. So he asked Chachibitty on

1:08:19

Expedia if there's such a thing as

1:08:21

a bread vacation. Chachibitty

1:08:23

said, sure. Do

1:08:25

you want to go to Normandy, Morocco,

1:08:28

Ireland, or Tuscany? And

1:08:30

that's how David became a master

1:08:32

pizzaiolo. You were made to

1:08:34

learn new things. We were made to give

1:08:36

you trip ideas with Chachibitty, right in our

1:08:39

app. Expedia, made to

1:08:41

travel. As

1:08:44

a chef and a restaurant owner, I'm as

1:08:46

meticulous about my cookware as I am about

1:08:48

my ingredients. That's why I love made-in-cookware. Each

1:08:50

pan they make isn't just designed to perform.

1:08:53

It's crafted to last. As a mom, I

1:08:55

love that I can trust made-in. It's made

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from the world's finest materials, so I can feel

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good about what I'm feeding my family. I'm Chef

1:09:01

Brooke Williamson, and I use made-in-cookware. Shop

1:09:04

Chef quality pots and pans at made-in-cookware.com. All

1:09:13

right. I'd like to welcome Yamanika

1:09:15

and Jared back to the stage for the

1:09:18

Rat Wheel. Thanks

1:09:21

for coming back out. Now,

1:09:25

we put a minute on the timer. Each

1:09:27

of us is going to rant about something that's

1:09:29

really got our goat. Let's

1:09:32

spin the wheel. Yamanika,

1:09:42

it's your turn. I never get picked

1:09:44

first for nothing. Just

1:09:47

the one thing. You want me to rant about

1:09:49

something? Yeah, sure. Why not? We're

1:09:51

all here. Might as well. Yeah. I'm

1:09:54

going to rant about how cold it is for

1:09:57

Los Angeles. That's why I just left

1:09:59

New York. I've been freezing since I

1:10:01

got here. And I

1:10:03

don't know why. I don't

1:10:06

know if y'all cleared up the smog or what's

1:10:08

happening here. Maybe we need

1:10:10

another earthquake to shake shit up. But

1:10:13

I am freezing. I'm

1:10:16

freezing like a skinny white woman in front

1:10:19

of an avocado toast. It's,

1:10:23

I need, I need heat. You know?

1:10:26

That's, that's my rant. I need heat. What

1:10:29

happened to the California sun? Huh? Y'all

1:10:32

fucked it up since the time I came back here last? You messed

1:10:35

up the sun? Where's the sun? Why

1:10:38

are they so dark in here? Right?

1:10:40

It's even not, there's not one, not

1:10:42

nothing. The mic not hot. The

1:10:45

equipment they run is not heating

1:10:47

up nothing. The lights is cold. It's

1:10:51

just like, I just feel like a, a, a, an old

1:10:55

leftover piece of chicken at Ralph's. You

1:10:59

know, just clinging on to what little piece of light I

1:11:02

can get, hoping that some

1:11:04

fat man takes me home

1:11:06

before they close up shop. That's,

1:11:11

that's, that's my love life. And

1:11:17

that's also me as a piece of chicken under

1:11:20

lights at Ralph's. All

1:11:22

right. Well, thank you. I

1:11:28

was actually, I was actually sitting here waiting

1:11:30

for a timer to go off. And I

1:11:32

heard, no, no, it's up to you. Cause

1:11:36

I was thinking, that is a long

1:11:38

minute. Oh, it

1:11:40

was a minute? Oh, I don't, listen to

1:11:42

white men. I'm sorry. Listen,

1:11:48

we are coming back. Trust

1:11:51

me. Yeah, we had a

1:11:53

good, we had a good for a long time, but, and

1:11:55

we're coming back. All

1:11:58

right. Let's, let's spin that wheel again. and

1:12:00

see who goes next. Oh,

1:12:11

it's me. Yay for

1:12:13

me. Okay, here's

1:12:16

the thing that I, I mean,

1:12:19

I'm a very content person, so it was really

1:12:21

hard for me to come up with something to

1:12:23

rant against. But

1:12:25

this is a thing that, and I don't even know

1:12:28

why it makes me so mad. But

1:12:30

I see it sometimes with stand-up comedians.

1:12:33

I see it sometimes with

1:12:36

people who are giving some kind of

1:12:38

public speaking. But

1:12:41

it makes me crazy when people's

1:12:43

speaker notes are on their

1:12:45

phone. When they start being

1:12:47

like, you know, here's your, here's time for

1:12:49

my Ted Talk. And I'm like, you know,

1:12:52

get out the phone and start scrolling. It

1:12:54

makes me crazy because the phone is like,

1:12:58

that's your silly place. Like, you should

1:13:00

not, like, their

1:13:02

phone is a ridiculous thing. Like it should

1:13:04

be shameful that you're looking at it. You

1:13:07

shouldn't be looking at it for your ideas

1:13:09

that you've catalogued. Write it down

1:13:11

on a piece of paper. No

1:13:13

one wants to hear you eulogize

1:13:16

your Aunt Denise by

1:13:18

looking at your fucking

1:13:20

Google phone. Write

1:13:22

it down, people.

1:13:25

Pat and paper. All

1:13:30

right. It's up to

1:13:33

me to say when

1:13:35

the minute's over, the

1:13:38

minute's over. Let's spin

1:13:40

it again. This is

1:13:43

very scientific, by the way. Oh,

1:13:46

there he is. Does

1:13:48

a rant have to be negative? Because

1:13:53

I know you just talked

1:13:55

for a while. Okay, good.

1:13:58

Sure. Look. All right. I'm

1:14:00

not gonna buy a cyber

1:14:02

truck. I'm never gonna own

1:14:04

questions. Oh, people ask me every day. But you

1:14:06

know what? I am delighted

1:14:10

when I see one. It's

1:14:14

a ridiculous car. Of course it

1:14:16

looks like an intergalactic troop transport,

1:14:19

you know, and it's bulletproof. Why? It's

1:14:23

bulletproof. But I,

1:14:26

people make fun of the car, you know, and

1:14:28

they, I don't know what the rep is on

1:14:31

the car that it's what it's stupidly expensive and

1:14:33

ugly and whatever. But man, every time we see

1:14:35

one, everyone like me and my kids and my

1:14:37

wife they go, oh, Sabertruck!

1:14:40

We get so

1:14:42

excited! Because the

1:14:44

person driving it, you just have

1:14:46

so many questions. Who

1:14:49

are they? What were they thinking? Why?

1:14:51

What did they make this decision? How

1:14:54

did they feel about all the attention they're

1:14:56

getting? This is just a regular person who

1:14:58

now is driving a crazy car. So

1:15:01

I would like to say probably, I

1:15:03

don't know if there's a single Cybertruck

1:15:05

anywhere outside of California. My

1:15:07

parents came from New Jersey recently

1:15:10

and they were also so excited!

1:15:12

It was like they saw a

1:15:14

celebrity! Yeah. So, but it's coming

1:15:16

wherever you live. The

1:15:19

early adopters of your community will get

1:15:21

into it and it's just a delightful

1:15:23

sight. Well

1:15:25

there, there is one, yes, give

1:15:28

it up for them. Yeah. Yes. Being

1:15:31

pro anti-Cybertruck. There is one

1:15:33

at the Century City.

1:15:35

There is a, I guess there's a

1:15:38

Tesla showroom and there's a Cybertruck there

1:15:40

because I did an event there. I

1:15:42

moderated a four-year consideration event for

1:15:46

the show Monk and which

1:15:48

I was like, sure I'll do that. I was on the show,

1:15:50

I did, I played, I got to murder someone. You were the

1:15:52

Monk? I got, no, no, no. I

1:15:55

got to pistol whip someone. But it was, it

1:15:57

was at the, it was, the thing was at

1:15:59

the at the Century City Mall, and

1:16:02

it was in the middle of the mall. Oh, what

1:16:04

fun! It was like Q&A with the cast of Month,

1:16:06

and there was a Cybertruck sitting there the whole time,

1:16:08

right outside. And I was still, you know, it was

1:16:11

Banana Republic on one side and a Cybertruck on the

1:16:13

other. And I, can you sit on its lap and

1:16:15

tell you what's going on? I don't know. I didn't

1:16:17

go in. I was scared. I'll say this. I went

1:16:19

on YouTube to find, I wanted to see what the

1:16:21

interior of the Cybertruck looks like. It's no big deal.

1:16:24

But while I was on

1:16:26

there, I saw, I don't know if this is true of

1:16:28

every car, but there's video footage of how it deals

1:16:30

with an impact. So

1:16:33

they just drive it into, or it auto drives itself

1:16:35

into a cement wall, and it goes 20 miles an

1:16:37

hour, 50 miles an hour.

1:16:40

And when you get to see it go 140 miles per hour into

1:16:43

a cement wall, that's also a lot of

1:16:45

fun. Wait,

1:16:48

what happens? It just disintegrates.

1:16:50

It explodes. It's not survivable. And did

1:16:52

you integrate inside of it? Yeah, I

1:16:54

would think it would be a rough

1:16:56

day for the person driving it. So

1:17:02

I don't want it to happen with people in

1:17:04

it, but it's fun to see it happen. There's

1:17:06

no way. All right, yeah. It's actually called the

1:17:08

Cybertruck. Why is

1:17:10

it called the Cybertruck? You don't know. Because

1:17:14

Douchemobile was taken again.

1:17:18

No, people online are calling it

1:17:20

an in-cell Camino. Not my joke,

1:17:22

but a good

1:17:25

one. All right, well, do we need

1:17:27

to spin the wheel? Yeah,

1:17:29

let's spin the wheel. I wonder what

1:17:31

it will be. I wonder who it

1:17:33

will land on. It's

1:17:35

the guy from Munk. Oh, surprise, surprise, it's

1:17:38

Jared. OK,

1:17:41

cool. All right, one minute on the clock.

1:17:44

I am going to rant against pen and

1:17:46

paper. Oh

1:17:49

my god. Oh, yeah.

1:17:51

Oh, I wrote a pen and a paper. I'm

1:17:53

like a fucking scribe. Oh,

1:17:56

wow, look at me, so cool. No,

1:18:00

I use Google Docs because I'm

1:18:03

not an animal. And

1:18:05

yeah, I perform live on stage

1:18:08

looking at that damn Google Doc. And

1:18:10

you know, maybe I'll start projecting it onto

1:18:13

the wall, kind of include the crowd in

1:18:15

on it, or I'll just invite

1:18:17

them and they can all get on the phone,

1:18:19

and we can all have a little green circle

1:18:22

as I'm doing stand-up, and you can kind of,

1:18:24

it's like a program for what

1:18:26

is to come. Yeah,

1:18:29

I don't know. I need to be, okay, it

1:18:31

started out, I would type because I was, if

1:18:34

I saw my handwriting, I'd be like, oh no, I wrote

1:18:36

that. There's no way that's funny. So

1:18:38

I would type it so I didn't feel insecure, but now I'm

1:18:40

just used to it, and also it's just helpful because

1:18:42

I have to move sets around and I got to click and

1:18:44

stuff. And you write it down

1:18:46

every single time? No one has the time

1:18:48

for that. Get on a Google Doc. Wow.

1:18:55

I would feel like a hypocrite applauding for

1:18:58

that when I applaud it for yours. Well,

1:19:00

it's all right. We're all friends. You have

1:19:02

to choose. But I just,

1:19:04

we changed it. They're both great. It

1:19:07

is. Jared, I will say

1:19:09

it's incredibly fortuitous that I went

1:19:11

first. Yeah. Because otherwise yours

1:19:13

would have been weird. It would have made

1:19:15

no sense. I'd be like, why would that

1:19:17

guy hate pen and paper? It's also eco-friendly.

1:19:23

Yeah, and what about all those poor... Andy Richter hates

1:19:26

the planet. All

1:19:29

right. Well, guys, thank you so much. That

1:19:31

has been the rant wheel. Thank

1:19:34

you so much. All right. And

1:19:36

now, because we need it, here it

1:19:38

is, the high note. Hi,

1:19:42

Lovett. This is Courtney. I'm a

1:19:45

one-time listener, first-time caller from Santa Monica

1:19:48

and universally known to be the best side of L.A. My

1:19:51

high note today is that by the time this airs,

1:19:53

my brother will have graduated from law school. We

1:19:56

Need more lawyers, judges, And Supreme

1:19:58

Court justices. Wouldn't you? Brett

1:20:00

Kavanaugh? Like. Him who want to

1:20:03

protect and grab people's rights, not take them

1:20:05

away to bring this town things or. And

1:20:07

Eight And sixty four. Been.

1:20:09

So incredibly proud of him and excited to

1:20:11

continue to cheer him on as he works

1:20:13

to bend the moral or of the universe

1:20:15

evermore. Target. Everybody. Trailer

1:20:18

that the sister I have seen

1:20:21

you live in Madison and I'm

1:20:23

gonna be seeing you again. This

1:20:25

to lie and I am calling

1:20:27

to let you know that my

1:20:29

An Age grant was recently scored

1:20:32

very highly and assuming the government

1:20:34

doesn't shut down which let's be

1:20:36

honest as a real possibility it

1:20:38

should be funded later this year

1:20:41

which means that I will get

1:20:43

to be studying the health care

1:20:45

of the incarcerated population in the

1:20:47

hospital and. I'm just very happy

1:20:50

that the Nih recognizes the

1:20:52

importance of taken care of

1:20:54

the very vulnerable and understudied

1:20:56

incarcerated population. Thanks for all

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Guys, Thanks so much for being

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I want to hurt them are and

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