0:00

Hey everyone, Lawrence here, and today we

0:02

present to you the first episode

0:04

of Desert Skies, a quirky, comedic,

0:06

and heartfelt sci-fi podcast about life

0:08

between this world and the next.

0:11

If you're a fan of Futurama, Adventure Time,

0:13

or Rick and Morty, then you'll enjoy Desert

0:15

Skies too. It's also got quite a bit

0:17

of that Douglas Adams feel as well, that

0:19

kind of meeting of the mundane and the

0:21

fantastical that's so much fun. You can find

0:23

and listen to the first season of Desert

0:25

Skies anywhere you listen to podcasts, or by

0:27

tapping the link in the episode notes below.

0:30

Our thanks to Desert Skies for sponsoring

0:32

us. And now, here's episode one, The

0:34

Flavor of Life. For

0:37

the best listening experience, headphones

0:39

are recommended. Hello

1:30

there! If

1:32

you don't mind waiting just a moment

1:35

while we get ready, we're

1:38

actually trying something new. We're

1:42

formalizing our process. So

1:44

this is an exciting time

1:47

to be here. I've actually written

1:49

something up, so I think it's...

1:51

I'm pretty proud of it. It's

1:54

cool. Please hold all of your

1:56

questions until the presentation is complete.

1:58

Everything will be... be answered in

2:00

time. Okay, I

2:03

think I'm ready. You may

2:05

approach the counter. Welcome

2:15

to Desert Skies, Traveler.

2:18

Your journey through the physical plane

2:20

has come to an end. But

2:24

we are so glad you're

2:27

here. And I know what

2:29

you're thinking, where is here

2:32

exactly? I'll

2:34

do my best to explain.

2:36

Desert Skies Astral

2:38

Plane Fuel and Service Station exists

2:41

on the lowest sphere of existence

2:43

between life and death.

2:46

Or as we like to say around

2:49

here, between life and the next

2:51

life. Yeah. You

2:54

have no more reason to

2:56

be afraid. No

2:58

more reason to fret, nor worry.

3:01

Whatever your needs, we are

3:03

here to help. My

3:06

colleague here is the mechanic, or

3:08

Mac for short. Yo. It

3:12

is his job to service your vehicle

3:15

in preparation for the

3:17

journey across the celestial spheres. I

3:21

am the attendant. Or tendie for

3:24

short. I told you not to call

3:26

me that in front of the Traveler,

3:28

Se-will. I think it puts them at

3:30

E. I'm trying to create an error

3:32

of mystique. Yeah, well that's stupid. Yeah,

3:34

well nobody asked you. Um, what's going

3:37

on? Like I said,

3:39

I am the attendant. It

3:41

is my job to ensure you

3:44

have adequate provisions and are well

3:46

instructed in navigating the journey through

3:48

the celestial spheres. Now,

3:53

let me tell you about a selection of

3:55

products available and

3:57

any associated promotions. Wait

4:01

a second here... We

4:09

have all of your Road Trip favorites.

4:12

Chips, sodas, sunflowers, seeds,

4:15

pickled pig's feet that induce a

4:18

devastating degree of sadness.

4:21

It's a trip. That's

4:23

Max's favorite, actually. It's just

4:26

nice to feel something. Before

4:28

hitting the road, how about one last

4:30

trip south of the border? We

4:32

have an impressive selection of over 34 varieties

4:36

of microwavable burritos. Everything

4:39

from breakfast, brunch, lunch,

4:42

dinner, dessert, and various

4:46

other flavors. Right now,

4:48

if you grab three, you'll

4:51

receive a portable microwave to take with

4:53

you on your journey. It has a

4:55

little cigarette lighter adapter. Hell

4:57

of a deal if you ask me.

5:01

Are you dealing with

5:04

the regret of never having

5:06

accomplished anything significant in

5:08

your life? Punish yourself appropriately

5:10

with some Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Enough,

5:12

enough, turn off the music. What's

5:15

wrong? Was

5:17

I reading too fast? That's

5:20

fine, I can start over. Where's

5:22

the rewind? No, no, don't do it

5:25

again. Look,

5:28

I need some answers. Five

5:30

minutes ago, I'm sitting at home eating

5:32

a plate of toaster waffles. Next thing

5:34

I know, I'm driving down a deserted

5:36

highway, then pulling into a gas station

5:38

in the middle of God knows where,

5:41

and you start reading off some brain-melting specials

5:43

of the day with Gimli here. I

5:46

just want to know what's really going on. Give

5:49

it to me straight. Am I

5:51

high right now? Possibly, but that's

5:53

irrelevant. You're here because

5:55

you're dead. This

5:58

is your last stop on your way to God. to

6:00

the great beyond. It's

6:02

our job to make sure you're prepared for the ride.

6:05

Uh-huh. And what if I don't

6:07

believe you? What if this

6:09

is all just some kind of sick dream, huh? Some

6:12

elaborate prank? Look, I

6:15

understand this experience can be jarring.

6:19

Especially if your death

6:22

was sudden or

6:24

unexpected. I can't

6:26

remember, but I probably went through the same

6:28

emotions you're experiencing right now. For the sake

6:30

of argument, let's say you're telling me

6:33

the truth. What's to keep

6:35

me from driving back the direction I came

6:37

from, huh? Hightailing it back to

6:39

my living room. No pun

6:41

intended. There's nothing

6:44

keeping you from that. I mean,

6:46

we can't stop you, but I

6:49

don't recommend it. Yeah, and why's that? Microwaveable

6:52

burritos. What? What

6:55

is that supposed to mean? I'll show you.

6:58

Come on, follow me. Our

7:03

microwaveable burritos selection. Currently, there

7:05

are 34 varieties. If you

7:09

drive back the way you came, there's gonna be

7:11

35. Here, take a look

7:13

at this package. What do you

7:15

see? It says, Gutbuster

7:18

brand microwaveable burritos. And

7:21

there's a face lady with red

7:23

hair. Alice's chicken

7:25

olla king style. Read

7:28

the back. Okay.

7:32

This delicious microwavable snack

7:35

is dedicated to Alice McDougall,

7:37

who attempted to return to the

7:39

physical realm and retrieve her beloved

7:41

cat Wallace. We honor

7:44

her brave effort. What

7:46

the hell is this? Just keep

7:48

reading. In accordance with

7:50

the governing rules of the

7:52

Astral Plane, the full essence

7:54

of this individual's existence, desires,

7:56

purpose, and romantic history has

7:58

been meticulously crafted. into

8:00

this artisan style burrito. Taste

8:03

the flavor of life. So

8:07

there's ground up lady in here? Uh,

8:10

no? God

8:12

no, that's, that's disgusting.

8:15

Um, this isn't her physically. It's

8:17

the flavor and texture of her

8:19

existence. Which

8:21

apparently tastes like diced chicken in

8:24

a cream sauce. It's, it's actually

8:26

pretty good. Congratulations friend.

8:29

I've heard some crazy shit in my life, but

8:31

I've never heard anything like that. But

8:36

you know, I

8:39

bet I'd be chicken. Some kind

8:41

of chicken burrito. Why

8:43

do you say that? Thought of

8:45

one of those placemats at a Chinese restaurant. I was

8:47

born in the year of the chicken. I

8:50

think you mean rooster. Really?

8:53

I always thought it was chicken. I

8:56

think I'd rather be a chicken than a cock. You

8:58

know? Oh

9:01

God, I need a cigarette. You

9:03

got those? Huh? A brand

9:05

that doesn't taste like devastating sadness or

9:08

contain the essence of someone's great grandma? Do

9:11

you ever have one of mine? Thank

9:13

God. Something I can actually use.

9:17

I know these things are awful for ya. I'm

9:19

not sure you gotta worry about that anymore. Ha

9:21

ha ha. Come on

9:23

buddy, let's take a look at that car of yours. That's

9:26

the other thing. I don't even own a car. Then

9:29

boom, I'm suddenly cruising down the highway in

9:32

a Buick Skylark. That's one hell of a

9:34

car. Sure, I'm not complaining. But

9:36

that's not my automobile. And

9:38

this isn't my beard's natural color. Yeah,

9:40

here we are. Come on,

9:43

let's get you road ready. Hey,

9:45

Nintendo. Or whatever your name

9:47

is. You really telling me I'm

9:50

dead? It's attendant. And

9:53

yeah, you are. Sorry friend. Well

9:57

ain't that just a kick in the pants? One

10:00

more question. This

10:02

place, at the end of the road,

10:06

what's it like? Is

10:08

it nice? Yeah, it's

10:11

real nice. That's

10:14

good to know, I guess. Look,

10:17

come back and see me before taking off, okay?

10:20

Whatever you want, Lord of the Underworld. Hey,

10:30

Cast Register. Hello,

10:32

attendant. How can I be a servant?

10:35

I always tell people that what lies at the end

10:38

of the road is a nice

10:41

place. You look sad with putting on

10:43

a traveler, is it easy, attendant? Yeah,

10:46

sure, but what

10:48

if it's a lie? I don't know if it's

10:50

nice or not. For

10:52

all I know, it could be a

10:55

plane of non-existence. I

10:57

would assume that even a state

10:59

of non-existence is better than having

11:01

your essence converted into a

11:03

much-awakable burrito. Yeah, maybe, I

11:05

don't know. A lot of

11:08

people like burritos. Attendant, as

11:10

you know, I'm

11:12

incapable of lying. So

11:14

you've told me. But you're

11:16

not. I can't say

11:19

for certain, but I believe that if

11:21

given the ability to provide comfort to

11:23

frightened travelers able to travel but

11:25

one direction, I would allow

11:27

myself to express confidence that

11:29

they are headed towards a nice

11:31

place, regardless of my

11:34

uncertainty. You really think that's okay?

11:37

Attendant, I am just a

11:39

confidential assistance and service help register,

11:41

allergicly, equally, to the existence

11:44

of desert stairs, an absolutely

11:46

feeling service center dedicated to the

11:48

comfort and safety of travelers embarking

11:50

on their final journey. Well, it

11:52

seems to me that level of

11:54

intentional care would denote a certain

11:57

amount of goodwill on the part of our

11:59

superiors. Are superiors.

12:02

I don't even know who they are. Do you,

12:04

Cash? I'm saying the attendance, but as I told

12:06

you 473 times, I'm unable to speak to that subject.

12:12

Unable? Or not allowed? Is

12:14

there anything else I can assist you with,

12:16

attendance? Um, play some music? You

12:19

got it. Mm? Mm. Let's

12:22

do... Contemplative. We'll

13:01

be right back. What do you think, Cash? Well,

13:04

he's all set. Where is

13:06

he at? Dude's

13:10

just sitting in his car with his head resting on the steering wheel.

13:12

I'd ask what it gives, but it ain't like I never seen

13:14

it before. I told him to come back in here. What's

13:17

his story anyway? Jeez, I haven't even ran

13:19

the report. Cash

13:22

register. How

13:24

can I help you? Well, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Cash

13:27

register. How can I help

13:29

you, attendant? Request the traveler

13:31

bio for... Oh,

13:34

God. I didn't even ask his name. I got

13:36

that from him, at least. Name's

13:39

Lawrence Cobb. Requesting traveler

13:41

biography for Lawrence Cobb.

13:47

All right. Let's take a look here. Lawrence

13:50

Cobb, age 42. Looks

13:54

like it was the toaster waffles that did him

13:56

in. Choked to death

13:58

watching television. Yeah, that's

14:01

how I wanna go. Yeah, well, um,

14:03

you are dead, so there's that

14:06

and what? You

14:09

wanna die, uh, choking

14:12

on frozen breakfast foods watching TV?

14:15

You're judgy, you know that. Anyway,

14:18

um, born and raised in New

14:20

York. Manage the electronics counter

14:23

at a department store. Mm-hmm.

14:25

Fascinating stuff, but you know what I want. Yeah,

14:29

I know. There you go, you

14:31

thick little man. Embarrassing childhood

14:33

memories, God, I love these.

14:36

Look, in fourth grade, choked on an ice

14:38

cube at lunch and threw up all over

14:41

the table. How

14:43

do you even do that? Hmm. Says

14:48

his wife died. Her name

14:51

sounds so familiar. Deborah

14:54

Cobb. Deborah

14:57

Cobb. Deborah

15:00

Cobb. Cass,

15:02

do you have a record of a Deborah Cobb who

15:04

was married to a Lawrence Cobb? Indeed.

15:07

Deborah Cobb, age 36. Sudden

15:12

death. Brand frozen

15:24

Deborah's at desert skies of my time and

15:27

at least a handful of Deborah Cobb's. I

15:29

don't know. Some people just stick

15:32

with you, Mac. Yeah, I guess that's

15:34

true. There is that one

15:36

guy who crapped his pants dancing to you. You're the

15:38

one that I want during a school play. I

15:41

still got the report pinned up in my shack. You

15:44

can't make this stuff up. No, you can't.

15:48

I think I'm going to check on our traveler. Mr.

16:01

Cobb? Go away, Nintendo.

16:06

I just want to talk, real quick. Give

16:09

me 30 seconds. Please,

16:13

Mr. Cobb. Stop

16:17

calling me Mr. Cobb. My name

16:20

is Lawrence. Hey, Lawrence, buddy. You've

16:23

been out here a while, and we're

16:26

getting kind of worried about you. What's

16:29

there to worry about? I'm already dead.

16:32

Dead is such a

16:35

weighty word. You

16:37

left a physical plane, so what? It's

16:41

just one plane of existence. This

16:43

is another. And down

16:45

that road is another.

16:48

And that's your destination.

16:51

That's the next life. Yeah, well, if it's so

16:53

great, why haven't you driven down that road, huh?

16:56

If it's so wonderful, what are you doing

16:58

out here in the plane of God knows

17:00

what, hawking burritos with people in them? I

17:03

don't know. What do you mean you don't

17:05

know? You're dead too, right? You

17:08

must have pulled in here just like me.

17:11

But you stayed. You're right.

17:13

I mean, I assume

17:15

that's what happened, but I

17:17

don't remember a time when I wasn't working

17:19

here. When I wasn't

17:22

the attendant. I

17:24

don't remember my life on the physical plane

17:27

or my real name. I have

17:30

no idea who I am

17:32

or even how I died.

17:35

Jesus, that's messed up, guy. So

17:39

what's to keep you from going now? Get

17:41

in the car. Come on, we'll go together. I

17:44

know I'd feel better if someone was with me, you know. I'm

17:47

sorry, Lawrence. I can't. Why

17:50

not? Because I like what I do.

17:53

It may not seem like much to you, but

17:56

to me, it's everything.

18:00

It's all I've ever known. Do

18:03

you know how many Lawrence Cobbs I've had come

18:05

through here? People like you who

18:07

get behind that wheel and can't seem to turn

18:09

the key? And

18:12

99.9% of the time I

18:15

get them down that road. I

18:17

save them from the burrito plane of

18:19

existence. I

18:22

help them move on. It might

18:24

not be so bad being a burrito, you know. A

18:28

lot of people like burritos. This is

18:30

true. You

18:32

know, I had a wife who died three

18:35

years ago. I

18:38

couldn't do anything without her. Ever

18:41

since she's been gone, my life's just been

18:43

one pointless day after another. She

18:47

might be up there too, huh? Down that road?

18:51

How could I not realize that? Tell

18:54

me, did a Deborah Cobb ever come through this

18:56

place? She did.

19:00

Well, well, okay. I'm

19:03

gonna get to see her again. Come

19:05

inside, Lawrence. Let's get you what you need. Hey,

19:08

you got any of those corn chips shaped like a dunce cap? Indeed

19:10

we do. And you didn't

19:12

do nothing weird to it. No

19:15

need. Those things are weird

19:17

enough on their own. So

19:25

go ahead and take a look around the store, Lawrence, and meet me at

19:27

the counter when you're done. Thanks,

19:29

but I can't buy none of this stuff. I don't even

19:31

have my wallet. Then

19:33

how in the hell are you planning to

19:36

pay for all that astral grade fuel I

19:38

just pumped into your Buick? We

19:41

don't take kindly to thieves around here. Hey now,

19:44

wait just a minute. You didn't say

19:46

nothing about no payment. I

19:48

mean, what would you guys even do with money? Uh, nothing

19:51

at all. Mack is just being

19:53

an asshat. Yeah, I'm just messing with

19:55

you, buddy. Nobody's got money

19:57

this side of the physical rail. Mac!

22:01

Coming! Poor guy.

22:03

I can't imagine what he's

22:05

feeling. The

22:09

thoughts that have to be going through his head right now.

22:12

And to think that if his wife could

22:14

have just waited, they'd be

22:16

together now. I

22:18

wonder what it feels like, Mac. To

22:22

miss the physical plane. The

22:25

people you left behind. I

22:30

remember things about the physical plane. Real

22:33

general things. Telephones,

22:35

TVs, wars, placemats

22:38

at Chinese restaurants. But

22:41

I don't remember me. The

22:44

only me I remember is the

22:47

me at desert skies. I've

22:51

asked Cass to request a bio so many

22:53

times I've lost count. And

22:55

every time she says the same

22:57

thing, I'm unable to submit bio

23:00

request for current staff. I

23:03

know I've asked you before, Mac, but you don't

23:05

remember anything else about me when I got here?

23:08

Just the same stuff I told you before, Tindy.

23:11

You showed up, got out of the

23:14

car, walked past me like

23:16

I wasn't even there dead silent. You

23:19

went inside. I started prepping your

23:21

vehicle for the journey and when I went to tell

23:23

you it was ready, you were

23:25

already standing behind the counter. The

23:28

old attendant had slipped out the back and took the car

23:30

and meant for you. I

23:32

guess he was finally ready to hit the road. Funny

23:36

thing is, I never got... Mac, come here. Look

23:41

at this. What's he doing? He's chewing.

23:44

What's that in his hand? That,

23:47

my friend, is

23:49

Deborah Cobb. The

23:51

full essence of her existence,

23:54

desires, purpose, and

23:56

romantic history meticulously crafted

23:58

into an artistic... in

24:00

style burrito. Well,

24:04

I'll be damned. I've never seen

24:06

a man sob and eat a burrito at the

24:08

same time. I

24:10

have. You said

24:13

you'd never mention that again. Hey

24:16

fellas. Hey

24:18

Lawrence, you alright? Yeah,

24:21

you know what? I am. I

24:23

think I'm ready to go. But you

24:26

don't have anything. Don't need anything. You

24:29

don't have to, but you sure you don't want

24:31

to grab some snacks for the road? At

24:34

least let me grab you a map. No need. I

24:37

ain't stopping. Well,

24:40

okay then. Sounds

24:42

like you're ready. As I'll ever be. Thanks

24:45

fellas. For everything. And

25:06

that was the last time that we ever saw

25:08

Lawrence Cobb. As

25:11

his tail lights faded into the distance, we

25:14

were reminded of the power of love and

25:17

its ability to cause wandering souls

25:19

to find resolve. Perhaps

25:22

each one of them... Give it a rest, Mac. Look.

25:27

He's turning around. Maybe

25:31

he's coming back for something. I

25:33

don't think so. He's

25:35

not slowing down. And

25:45

there he goes. Nothing

25:47

you could have done, Tandy. I

25:50

really thought he was going to make it. Who's

25:52

to say he didn't? Seems

25:55

to me like he made it exactly where

25:57

he wanted to go. The freezer

25:59

out. Come on, Tindy. We

26:01

got a 35th variety now. Let's

26:04

see what it is. We're gonna need

26:06

a bigger freezer. You go ahead.

26:10

I'm gonna submit my traveler report. Hey,

26:13

Cash. Hello,

26:16

Tindy. I'd like to

26:19

submit my traveler report for Lawrence

26:21

Cobb. Oh, and ready

26:23

to capture your report. Another

26:26

traveler has coming on. Lawrence

26:30

Cobb never departed for his trip across

26:32

the celestial spheres. It

26:36

seems that he found a reason to head the other

26:38

direction. It's

26:41

different this time, though. He

26:44

wasn't trying to return to the physical plane, at least as far as

26:46

I can tell. He

26:50

knew what the outcome of driving that direction

26:52

would be, and that seemed to be his

26:54

intention. To follow

26:57

the path that his dearly departed Deborah had taken

26:59

just three years before, I hope he found what

27:01

he was looking for. That's

27:04

the end of my report, Cash. Pented

27:06

and distinct attended. Will you be needing

27:09

anything else? Yeah. It's probably time we

27:11

requested a second freezer. 34

27:14

varieties of microwavable burritos is just about

27:16

all we have room for. Looks

27:19

like you're not up to 35 varieties just yet,

27:21

bud. What do you mean?

27:23

Here you go. Look for yourself. Lawrence

27:26

and Debbie's Chicken and

27:28

Waffle Stuffed Burrito? Uh-huh. And read the back.

27:33

This delicious microwavable

27:35

snack is dedicated

27:37

to Lawrence and Deborah Cobb, whose

27:41

love for one another transcends the boundaries of the known

27:44

planes. May their

27:46

essences enjoy an eternity of artisanal

27:48

bliss together. Taste the flavor

27:50

of love. Another

27:56

traveler. I

28:01

didn't want to talk to you about work.