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1:37

Previously

1:39

on Mockery Manor, Parker asks

1:41

JJ about a mysterious letter she recently

1:44

received. Local reporter and DJ

1:46

Paul confronts Betty about her sister's

1:48

promotion to manager. And finally, country

1:51

star Clayton Woodrow performs a new

1:53

song at the big opening concert and

1:55

disaster strikes. That's you

1:58

all caught up. Y'all enjoy the episode. Now?

2:06

Longcat Media presents...

2:12

Mockery Manor Season 3

2:19

Episode 3 Witch

2:21

of the Woods March

2:25

20th Mountain Chch,

2:28

Chemuggets of the Woods Chch-chchche,

2:48

Chch-ch Grump kombour, L25 Chch-chche,

2:52

L25 My

2:59

name is Paul Baker and you're listening to GSPW

3:02

News at Nine. The internationally

3:04

renowned country star Clayton Bryan,

3:06

Bryan Woodrow the third, plunged

3:08

to his death last night in front of an audience

3:10

of thousands, including his wife, country

3:12

star Kirsteen Macfarlane and his manager

3:15

of 40 years, Bobby D McDaniel's.

3:17

At around 9 30 yesterday evening, the 82

3:20

year old singer-songwriter climbed to the summit

3:22

of the four Spurs Mine Train attraction

3:25

in the Claytonville Park area of Mockery

3:27

Manor. Witnesses describe Mr. Woodrow

3:29

stumbling over the mine train tracks and

3:32

into an animatronic goat before falling 45

3:34

feet onto the artificial rocks

3:36

below. An investigation is ongoing

3:39

and police are asking anyone with any information to

3:41

please.

3:43

JJ, you in there? I just

3:46

brewed a pot of coffee. Do you want some? I

3:48

made it for the Americans actually. Felt a bit

3:50

sorry for them. None of them went to bed last night. But

3:53

then that angry little man in the cowboy hat called it brown

3:55

piss and said he'd stick to whiskey. So do you

3:58

fancy a cup of freshly brewed brown? Piss JJ

4:04

JJ not

4:06

knock sleepyhead

4:09

doors open JJ oh

4:11

my god

4:13

what the hell happened here

4:16

no no no no is that

4:18

you what's the matter Parker

4:21

get in here JJ's room has been

4:23

ransacked oh my god what the

4:25

hell hang on it's

4:28

just a bit messy in it it's more than messy

4:30

the drawers are all pulled out and there's clothes

4:33

everywhere yeah windows are wide

4:35

open this ain't much different to normal

4:37

it always looks like this don't be silly does

4:40

it are you sure yeah bloody

4:43

hell she never lets me in here and I can see why

4:45

now what a mess how come

4:47

you know what her bedroom looks like she's been late for

4:50

work a few times the last couple of weeks had to come

4:52

and get her doesn't sound like JJ she's

4:54

a lot of things but she's not tardy she told me she

4:56

hasn't been sleeping very well so she's taking these pills

4:58

that knock her out makes her sleep through the alarm

5:01

she's on medication I didn't know that I

5:03

should go find her police are asking where she

5:05

is certainly give a statement oh do they want

5:07

a statement from me too I shouldn't think

5:09

so come on let's get out of here

5:12

after you all right if you

5:14

see JJ before I do tell her to go to the drawing

5:16

room yeah that's where the police are doing interviews

5:18

well if anyone needs me I'll be in my office

5:21

all the dark room I do need to develop that feeling all

5:23

right on a job at the moment then of course very

5:26

big case actually very big gonna put

5:28

you on the map is it well I'm pretty established

5:30

on the map already so oh yeah I

5:32

bet forging quite a reputation actually

5:35

well done thanks maybe

5:37

you should offer your services to the coppers you

5:39

could open with the Clayton investigation oh

5:42

yes do you think they'd let me yeah

5:44

yeah yeah I'm sure Scotland y'all will be banging on

5:46

your door any second it's

5:48

not that unlikely I could provide

5:50

valuable insight all right cute Poirot

5:53

you'll have to grow your moustache out

9:41

If

10:00

you'd been there, I might have lost more than the barn.

10:05

Come here, you big galar. Kiss me. How could you fall?

10:08

Look at the time. The Bogan

10:10

Beach Bar fundraiser's starting soon. We need to pick up the donkeys. I'm

10:14

not going, Logan. I'm

10:16

sorry. There's something important

10:18

I need to do. What are you up to, you naughty

10:20

girl? What's more important than the fundraiser?

10:23

Logan, please. Just go without

10:24

me. Just

10:28

go. Hurries. I

10:31

don't know why Logan puts up with it. Hello? Huh?

10:35

Betty Armstrong? Shit!

10:37

One moment, please.

10:38

I'm not decent. Oh,

10:40

God, I'm covered in crisps. So messy

10:43

in here. Jesus. Come

10:46

in. Do you have a moment?

10:49

Oh, Mrs Woodrow. I mean, Macfarlane? That's

10:52

your stage name, isn't it? Or is it Ms Macfarlane?

10:55

Or is it Ms Woodrow when you're off stage? Just call

10:57

me Kirsteen. Have

10:59

I interrupted anything? Oh,

11:02

no. No, no, no, nothing at all. You are

11:04

open for business? You mean private

11:06

investigation business? Yes.

11:08

Yes, yes, please. Take a seat. Thank

11:10

you. Have

11:12

a salted peanut. Or a pretzel. I

11:15

put them out for clients. Like at a bar? No.

11:18

No, thank you. What can I do for you?

11:20

I figured there's a PI

11:22

in the building. I should probably take advantage.

11:25

Unless you're fully booked.

11:27

I think I might be able to squeeze you in. Do

11:30

you mind if I smoke? Oh, please.

11:32

Go ahead. You've

11:37

probably guessed why I'm here. Clayton?

11:41

Clayton. Yes. I

11:44

was so sorry to hear about that. I

11:46

mean, I didn't hear about it, of course. I actually saw it happen.

11:49

Although I did hear the sound he made when he...

11:52

Anyway, yes, sorry. It's all very

11:55

tragic. You must be very upset. Oh, God. You are

11:57

really bad at this. Sorry. Maybe

11:59

you...

11:59

you should try the silent, brooding

12:02

detective thing. Ha! Good idea.

12:04

Not sure that's who I am, sadly. Less of a brooder,

12:07

more of a thinker out louder. And

12:09

I think what happened to your husband last night, it sort of

12:11

unnerved me. You

12:14

think I'd be accustomed to it by now, considering how much violent

12:16

death I've been involved in, but here

12:18

I am babbling like an idiot. Violent death,

12:21

huh?

12:22

So you've handled big cases before.

12:24

Oh, um, yes.

12:27

Good. For a second I thought you might

12:29

be small fry. You know, finding

12:31

lost pets, taking photos of cheating

12:33

husbands, that kind of thing. No,

12:35

not at all. Ha ha ha. Great.

12:39

Although, just so I know I'm

12:41

not misunderstanding the situation, aren't

12:43

the police investigating what happened to your husband? Of

12:45

course they are. So why do you

12:47

need a private investigator? Because the cops

12:49

are idiots. Have you seen them? The

12:51

guy who took my statement, what an asshole.

12:54

And so young? He looked about 24, tops.

12:58

How old are you? Oh, much older than that.

13:02

26, next birthday. Jesus.

13:05

Girls mature faster than boys. I'm basically 40.

13:08

Sure. Well, anyway, this

13:10

cop,

13:11

he'd made up his mind about Clay before

13:13

I even got in the room. First thing he

13:15

said to me, has your husband seemed distracted

13:18

recently, Mrs. Woodrow? Has he had any

13:20

memory lapses?

13:22

Well, I was so taken aback, I said, sure,

13:24

sometimes. But who doesn't

13:27

forget where they put their glasses every now and then? And

13:30

then,

13:31

why did I do this?

13:33

I told them Clay's heart medication

13:36

affects his memory.

13:38

Well, that little asshole, he grabbed ahold

13:40

of that like a puppy on a shitty rag, making

13:42

out Clayton was old and confused.

13:45

Yes, he's old, but you saw him last

13:48

night. You were in the audience and he

13:50

was,

13:51

wasn't it just? How

13:55

did he seem to you? Fine,

13:58

relaxed, chatty. Maybe

14:01

a little melancholy at times, but certainly

14:03

not like he was about to,

14:05

you know, climb a goddamn roller coaster

14:07

in the dark and pitch over the side. That's what

14:09

I said. I told them it didn't

14:11

make sense. That something must

14:13

have happened in that ten minutes when the lights went

14:15

out. Maybe someone was chasing

14:17

him, or I don't know. If

14:20

he was confused, then someone

14:22

struck him on the head. But the cops

14:24

told me there was no way to check if that was true

14:26

or not because of the way...

14:29

The way Clay hit the ground... Goddamn

14:33

it! Tissue? I

14:36

mean Kleenex? Thank you. They're

14:40

gonna declare him senile, and that'll

14:43

be the end of that. And

14:45

I can't bear it. And you

14:47

want me to find out what really happened? Honey,

14:50

you don't have to solve the whole damn case. You

14:53

just need to find something. Anything

14:55

that says Clay didn't go up that roller

14:57

coaster willingly. And then Scotland

15:00

Yard or whoever can take it from there.

15:03

So you really think this might be murder?

15:07

Just find me something that means I can get

15:09

a real detective involved.

15:12

No offense. Before

15:29

we continue the episode, a quick diversion.

15:32

Greetings, fans of the Esotenic. It

15:34

is Magenta and Bernard from the other Long

15:36

Cat podcast, Madame Magenta's Sonus Mystica. Welcome

15:39

to the most thrilling promotional activity

15:42

I have ever been involved in. We can't

15:44

have favourites, my dear. Oh, come on. This one sent us

15:46

a cocktail box for free directly to our door. I

15:49

mean, that was very special, yes, yes. So

15:51

thank you to Shaker and Spoon for sponsoring this

15:53

episode. And for the best day of my

15:55

life. Twenty dollars off for the listeners at

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home with the code Mockery Manor. So go to Shaker and Spoon. ShakerandSpoon.com

16:01

forward slash mockery manner. I must say Bernard,

16:03

when that parcel arrived and I slowly peeled

16:05

back the layers to reveal oh ho ho ho,

16:08

syrups, bitters, mixers,

16:10

garnishes. I've never been more

16:12

shaken. My emotions never more stirred.

16:15

Oh, that's very good. I see what you did there. Don't

16:17

ruin the mood with talk of puns Bernard. Let

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us talk of Shaker and Spoon and their magnificent

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cocktail box. Oh yes! Shaker and

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Spoon is a monthly cocktail subscription

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16:32

contains three original recipes created

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by world class bartenders as well as enough

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ingredients for 12 cocktails.

16:38

We had the Fall for Ms. Cal box,

16:40

didn't we Bernard? Yes. Based around

16:43

the national spirit of Mexico. Honestly, it was like being

16:45

on holiday, but better because I wasn't digging

16:47

sand out of my crack. Or mine. They

16:50

don't send the booze, but you could upcycle your own

16:52

homemade hooch with these boxes, couldn't you Bernard? I

16:54

could, yes, it's a good idea. Although it

16:56

is probably best to stick to the suggestion in the recipes.

16:58

Do you think they'll sponsor us again Bernard? I do hope

17:00

so. Well, if not, we could just subscribe.

17:03

And get one every month? Yes! Actually,

17:05

I'll pretend you haven't said that and you're giving it to me as a

17:08

gift. Oh, marvellous idea.

17:09

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and throw your honey a cock- That's me! Yes,

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ho ho!

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Thanks for listening. A message from

19:17

the Fable and Folly Network. Well,

19:20

I have important information you need to

19:22

know. My lover is dead.

19:25

You understand your upset, my brother? God damn it, why does no one listen to me? Is

19:27

it because of these? Is it because of these? Whoa! All

19:30

right, that's enough. You're not coming in the manner

19:32

and that's that. Why aren't you listening

19:35

to me? I need to tell them what

19:37

I know. Look, love, we've had a lot of Clayton

19:39

fans trying to help the police.

19:40

We don't need any more brilliant tip-offs about

19:42

how his manager's ripping him off or his wife is

19:45

cheating on him, all right? But his wife was

19:47

cheating on him. And I'm not just

19:49

a

19:49

fan, we're in love. Oh, yeah,

19:52

having a torrid affair with him, were you? Yes,

19:54

I was. Oh, clear off, love. Stop wasting

19:56

valuable police. Aye. You're just going

19:58

to ignore me.

21:59

Yeah, I see, yeah. Erm, like

22:02

you are. Go on then, don't just stand there dithering!

22:04

Yes sir, yes sir. Erm,

22:06

bites madam, you need to come with me. Finally,

22:08

thank you. And thank you, detective.

22:11

You're welcome, Abilene. Like, sure you tell

22:13

them everything? Oh, I will. Alright,

22:16

come on then, you. And no funny business. Absolute

22:21

embarrassment. Bloody useless. Moron.

22:26

Didn't even ask them, I idea. I

22:28

could be anyone. Yes,

22:31

embarrassing. What's

22:33

this bloody country coming to, eh?

22:37

Now then, which way, which way?

22:41

Not the corridor with the ram's head. Or

22:44

the one with the clock. Have

22:51

they found that woman yet? I don't know, Mr. D. But

22:54

I'm going to have to ask you to calm down. We are

22:56

even thinking about telling me to calm down.

22:59

Now this friend is dead. And

23:01

a little gift of gift. Ah ha,

23:04

here we are. Clayton's

23:06

Boudoir.

23:08

Oh yeah,

23:11

a few bits of tape across the door. That'll stop

23:13

me, Andrew. Oh, tape. Whatever

23:16

am I to do? Call

23:18

this a lock. Embarrassing.

23:27

Couldn't keep a one-legged kitten

23:29

out. Now then, where,

23:32

where, where? Let me

23:34

see. Chest of drawl.

23:38

Bedside table.

23:41

The curtains. Well

23:43

now, what do we have here? A

23:46

pair of pink trainers, size five,

23:49

with a couple of ankles attached. Ah ha!

23:52

It's not what it looks like. I'm housekeeping.

23:55

Housekeeping in a dead man's room. What does that involve?

23:58

Polishing fingerprints off surfaces?

25:56

But

26:00

I haven't even touched anything! Not much,

26:02

anyway. Please don't arrest me! Shh! What's

26:05

that? Someone's coming! Hide!

26:08

Hide! Back on the curtain! Hold on! Get

26:10

out! Okay, okay! Move

26:13

over!

26:30

There you go. Wow! Ha ha! Woo!

26:32

They didn't know we were here, did they? What

26:34

did they want? What were they doing? Who was

26:36

it? I don't know. I couldn't see! Oh

26:39

bugger, I didn't see either! I had a face full of

26:41

curtain! Damn it! Oh, you're so annoying! Damn

26:43

it! What do you think they wanted? They were really

26:45

quick. They must have come in here to fetch something very specific.

26:48

Hmm, I heard a ping. Did

26:49

you hear a ping? Metal? Glass? Portalant?

26:52

Ms Armstrong? And did you hear they had

26:55

a key? But when they tried to find

26:56

it, they were not. I'm sorry. And did

26:58

you hear they had a key? But when they tried to use it,

27:00

it sounded funny. Why? Oh

27:03

my god, look! The door handle's hanging

27:05

off! It wasn't like that when I came in. Did you

27:08

break it? Oh, you did! That's what

27:10

that thump was!

27:11

It's an old handle! Old things break!

27:14

You forced your way in! Now look here, I

27:16

do not have to explain myself, certainly,

27:18

not to you. Hang on.

27:19

Why did you want to hide from them? Well...

27:22

You hid? Why? L'Avio, your mind jumps

27:24

around like a flea on a trampoline. Tell me why you

27:26

hid. Why do you think? To see

27:28

who it was and what they were planning to do?

27:31

Hmm. Was it pose? Oh,

27:33

you suppose, do you? Well, it didn't

27:35

work, did it? You didn't see who it was or what

27:37

they were doing? I am aware of that. Maybe

27:39

if you'd budged up, I could have looked through the crack

27:42

in the curtains. So you should have sprung out and arrested

27:44

them! Or at least sprung out and asked them what they were doing.

27:46

As it is, neither of us know anything. Thank

27:48

you for the helpful pointers, Ms Armstrong.

27:51

I shall pass your wisdom onto the training academy

27:53

and make sure the next generation of coppers are properly

27:56

educated.

27:56

Wait! Wait! Where are you

27:58

going? Wait! Are you... are

28:01

you going to get me into trouble? What a good

28:03

question. All right, how

28:06

about this? I won't tell anyone

28:08

you were here...

28:09

Oh, thank you. ...if you

28:11

stop investigating Clayton's murder.

28:15

I can't do that. I've been hired to do a job.

28:18

So quit. But I... I don't want

28:20

to. This might

28:22

come as a surprise to you, Ms Armstrong, but

28:25

this isn't about what you want. This

28:27

is about justice. So stop

28:29

playing at coppers and go back to whatever

28:32

it is you usually do. Picking your nose,

28:34

watching Australian soaps before

28:37

you get hurt.

28:47

Silly man. Right

28:50

then. What in this room

28:52

goes Ping?

29:02

Shh, Dennis. It's all right.

29:05

The fire's not going to spread. I

29:10

was in the brownies, you know. When

29:13

I first joined, we learned how to make scones

29:15

and hoover the carpet. But then we got

29:17

brown now. We was really into wilderness survival.

29:21

Taught us how to navigate by the stars. How

29:23

to gut an animal. How to build a fire

29:26

pit. Bet

29:28

you and me, we were really good at it. It was great,

29:30

actually. Till one of the parents found

29:32

out from the bloodstains on their daughter's tunic that we'd

29:34

been skinning squirrels. And that was the end of that.

29:40

Maybe I should live in the woods with you, Dennis. What

29:43

do you think? You've

29:45

eaten all the melon. I haven't got any more. And

29:48

Margo said too much is bad for you

29:50

anyway. Greedy guts.

29:52

Stop

29:55

it. Stop eating my hair. Go

29:57

on. Go back to the others, you big goo. Flippin'

30:01

it! Ah! Walter! It's

30:04

a flippin' elephant! Oh my god! Go away!

30:06

Go away! There's a wild elephant in the mockery woods!

30:08

The rumors are true! Haha!

30:10

I knew it! I'm

30:13

scared of you idiots! Why

30:15

do you have to shout? Where's it going? We should

30:17

follow it! No! Leave Dennis alone! Dennis?

30:20

The elephant's called Denny. Walter, if you

30:22

tell anyone about this, I swear I'll kill

30:24

you. Do you hear me? They're very happy here.

30:27

Don't ruin it. They're very happy. Is

30:29

there more than one? No! There is!

30:31

I knew it! I hear them sometimes when

30:33

we're camping in the woods. You're wrong. There's

30:35

just one. I'm not. I've seen the signs.

30:37

Massive piles of poo, bark stripped from the trees.

30:40

I told the group they were the marks of the woodland witch.

30:43

They loved that. Would they prefer

30:45

to know it's elephants? Or maybe they'd like

30:46

to- Ow! The group! You brought people here!

30:50

Get out of my arm! You're not alone! Is

30:52

that what you're saying? Maniac? There's five

30:55

of us. We've been camping since Wednesday.

30:58

Where are they? Are they close? No, they're back at the

31:00

cottage. Camping by the pond. So

31:02

what are you doing here? Well,

31:04

we all heard this noise, see? A

31:06

kind of trumpeting sound. I

31:08

was the only one brave enough to come look.

31:12

Oh

31:12

dear. What am I going to tell them? Oh,

31:14

just tell them it was a car horn. Or a truck.

31:17

One of the mockery trucks. You're quick with

31:19

the lies. Had plenty of practice. Are

31:21

you taking them all high ground, Walter? The

31:23

boy who brings people into the woods to stare at an old crime scene.

31:26

Take the front of his neck to a blood stain. It's

31:28

ghoulish. Disgusting. It's not

31:30

disgusting. It's just

31:33

natural human curiosity. It's titillation. Oh

31:35

yeah, definitely. Who

31:38

doesn't feel more alive in the shadow of death? Oh,

31:40

you have no idea what you're talking about. Oh,

31:42

I've had an idea. You should come and give a

31:44

talk to the group about Graham. And that

31:47

poor country singer who just

31:49

died. Do you know anything about that? Okay,

31:51

you know what? This is private property, Walter.

31:54

I can get you arrested for trespassing.

31:55

And I could get you arrested for keeping

31:57

a herd of elephants in the mockery woods. Can't

32:00

imagine that's legal. Oh

32:04

dear! Looks like we're at

32:06

an impasse. A what?

32:09

An impasse. An

32:12

impasse. Whatever! Looks

32:14

like we both need to keep our mouths shut.

32:15

Well, I won't

32:18

say anything if you don't. Fine.

32:24

Trouble is, if one of my group spots

32:26

an elephant while we're camping, there's not

32:29

much I can do about it. The herd doesn't go near the

32:31

cottage. Just don't take anyone deep into the

32:33

woods, alright? And if you do, I'll

32:35

know. Oh yeah? The

32:37

woods have eyes.

32:38

Maybe you're the woodland

32:41

witch. Maybe I am. Don't

32:44

cross me, Walter. Wouldn't

32:46

dream of it. Full of secrets,

32:49

aren't you, JJ? Maybe

32:51

that's why everybody prefers your

32:52

sister. She doesn't have

32:54

your darkness. No.

32:57

I don't think she does. Oh!

33:01

Oh! That vise

33:03

a bit smoky. What are you burning? Toasting marshmallows.

33:06

Ah. That marshmallow looks

33:08

a lot like a hooded sweatshirt to me. Go away,

33:10

Walter. Gladly.

33:13

You're giving me the creeps. Bye-bye,

33:18

witch of the woods.

33:28

Mockery Manor is written by Lindsay Sharman

33:31

and directed by Lindsay Sharman and Lawrence Owen. Music,

33:34

sound design and editing by Lawrence Owen. Hayley

33:37

Evanett was Betty and JJ. Lawrence Owen

33:39

was Parker, Paul, The Constable and

33:41

Bogan Bay Logan. Christina Bianco

33:43

was Kirsteen. John Henry Fall was Detective

33:45

Fenwick and Bobby Dee. Christy Bolton was Abilene Doketty.

33:48

Lindsay Sharman was Henriksen

33:50

and Bogan Bay Jen. Mark Ristucher was

33:52

Detective Steve. And James Dukker was

33:54

Walter. Mockery Manor is supported by Arts

33:56

Council England, National Lottery Project Grants

33:58

and our wonderful...

33:59

patrons on Ko-fi. If you'd like to become

34:02

one of them and help me and Lindsay keep making podcasts,

34:05

tap the link in the show notes of this episode or

34:07

go to longcatmedia.com.

34:24

The Fable and Falling Network,

34:26

where fiction producers flourish.

34:30

The first thing you need to know about the Vegas

34:32

Sci-Fi Adventure podcast is that

34:34

you're not just listening to someone tell

34:36

you a story. You are

34:38

stepping into a world. And

34:41

Vega Rex, the woman at the

34:43

center of this saga, is currently

34:45

sitting at the top of it. This

34:48

is not by accident. For millennia,

34:50

the country Vega calls home has been carefully

34:52

honing the skills of its state consciousness.