0:00

You look around your business and see inefficiency

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everywhere. So you should know these numbers.

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36,000, the number of businesses which have upgraded to the number

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one cloud financial system, NetSuite by

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Oracle. 25, NetSuite just

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turned 25. That's 25 years

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of helping businesses streamline their finances and

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reduce costs. One, because your

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unique business deserves a customized solution.

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And that's NetSuite. Learn more when you

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download NetSuite's popular KPI checklist

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absolutely free at netsuite.com

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slash daily.

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That's netsuite.com slash daily.

0:48

From The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This

0:51

is Modern Love. Jessica

0:53

Slice wrote a Modern Love essay about a guy she

0:55

was dating years ago. This guy

0:57

was kind and dependable and caring.

1:00

He really listened and he made it clear

1:03

that he was serious about her. In

1:05

other words, this was the kind of guy

1:07

that Jessica always ran from. Here's

1:10

Jessica reading her full Modern

1:12

Love essay.

1:17

David said he knew I was interested because

1:19

of my body language. I had

1:22

turned to face him on the small wooden bench,

1:24

tucking my feet under me and resting my

1:26

arm on the backrest.

1:28

He was carrying a backpack and

1:30

asked if I wanted to borrow Joan Didion's

1:33

slouching towards Bethlehem.

1:35

But he had misread my body language.

1:40

I was not trying to show I was interested. The

1:43

truth is benches hurt my body

1:45

and turning to the side was the only

1:48

way to make sitting there tolerable. I

1:50

have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a painful

1:53

connective tissue disorder, and

1:55

dysautonomia, which affects my ability

1:58

to sit, stand, digest.

1:59

and regulate temperature. Because

2:02

of these illnesses, many positions

2:05

are either painful or impossible to

2:08

sustain for more than a minute or two. Leaning

2:15

straight back against the wooden slats with David

2:18

that day had nudged my ribs out of

2:20

place. They ached. My

2:22

bruised pelvis throbbed on the

2:24

firm surface. Turning to the side

2:26

allowed me to adjust my weight onto

2:29

the meatier part of my bottom. I

2:31

could use my arm to print myself away

2:33

from the wood. This was eight

2:36

years ago in Berkeley, California. I had

2:39

moved there for its temperate climate which

2:41

made living with my conditions

2:42

more tolerable.

2:43

It was cool out and he

2:46

was wearing layers. A t-shirt, flannel,

2:48

sweater, jacket, scarf,

2:50

and hat. And I had on

2:52

a long wool cardigan

2:54

over a t-shirt. When

2:56

he saw my hands turning purple, he

2:59

took off his scarf and wrapped it around my

3:01

neck. I launched into a story

3:03

about a scary incident on BART. I

3:06

interrupted myself to mention that the whole

3:08

thing may have actually been my own fault

3:11

because I sat on an inside

3:12

seat leaving the aisle seat open

3:14

for harassers. He stopped

3:17

me there.

3:18

Whatever happened, he said, you were

3:20

not to blame. I had started

3:22

the story as an anecdote to be like,

3:25

city life is bananas, huh? But

3:27

something shifted when he said that. He already

3:30

cared. He was paying attention.

3:32

A few

3:35

weeks later, as we shared fish tacos in

3:37

Oakland, I told him about my disability.

3:41

About the dizziness, anosia, and

3:43

the wheelchair in my trunk. He

3:46

leaned in, memorizing

3:48

every detail, and his eyes weld

3:50

with tears. A month after

3:52

that, he dropped me at a music studio

3:55

where I curled up on a leather sofa

3:57

with my dear friend Natalie's dog. I

4:00

read A Room of One's Own and listened to her

4:02

band, Pomplamoose, record an album. I

4:05

had massaged my temple in

4:06

the car, and he noticed.

4:09

I said that I was out of ibuprofen, but

4:11

it was just a little headache. When he picked

4:13

me up, a bottle of water

4:16

and a packet of Motrin waited on my seat. And

4:19

so, four months after we met, I

4:21

broke up with him.

4:24

He was standing outside a movie theater. He

4:26

was wearing his cardigan, backpack, and boat

4:28

shoes. And I couldn't take

4:30

it a minute longer. His earnest

4:33

love had become repulsive. Imagining

4:36

the way he wanted to care for me, the

4:38

inevitable loyalty and acceptance

4:41

and protection, filled my

4:43

throat with bile. David

4:46

is handsome and hilarious. Every

4:49

new thing I learned about him impressed me

4:51

more. His adamant humility

4:54

belied his intellect and confidence. Kissing

4:57

him felt natural, and our conversations

4:59

were easy. Nevertheless,

5:02

I broke it off. I

5:05

compared the way I felt about David to

5:07

the way I had once pined for men who

5:10

left me waiting. I found

5:12

the intensity of my passion for David

5:14

lacking. The other men avoided

5:16

talking about my disability. They

5:19

showed up late. I had not

5:21

yet figured out that uncertainty

5:23

is not the same thing as love.

5:27

We'll be right back. You

5:29

look around your business and see inefficiency

5:31

everywhere. So you should know these numbers.

5:34

36,000, the number of businesses which have upgraded

5:37

to the number one cloud financial system NetSuite

5:39

by Oracle. NetSuite

5:42

just turned 25. That's 25

5:44

years of helping businesses streamline their finances

5:46

and reduce costs. One, because your

5:48

unique business deserves a customized solution.

5:51

And that's NetSuite. Learn more when you download

5:53

NetSuite's popular KPI checklist absolutely

5:56

free at netsuite.com slash

5:58

daily.

5:59

That's netsuite.com.

6:02

The first day without David, I felt

6:04

like I could finally take a breath. My

6:08

friend Ellie and I drove along the windy

6:10

Marin roads to Stinson Beach. I

6:13

said to her, sometimes things just aren't

6:15

right. The next

6:17

day, as I rested naked on

6:20

a redwood platform in the backyard

6:22

at the secret Berkeley hot tub house, doubt

6:25

started to creep in. On

6:28

the way home, I stopped at a yarn store and

6:31

picked up some fluffy gray wool that had

6:33

been harvested from local sheep. I

6:35

would make a blanket

6:36

while I worked out what to do.

6:38

I used up the first spool and

6:40

realized I would need a few more if the blanket were

6:42

to be larger than a bandana, so

6:44

I bought two more. I laughed to myself

6:47

that I was well on the way to making a $90 blanket. I

6:51

crocheted and I thought about David.

6:55

I considered texting him to let him

6:57

know I was having doubts about my decision,

6:59

but I decided against it. My

7:02

uncertainty was not his to manage,

7:05

and the blanket was still too small. I

7:07

bought yarn again, and then again,

7:09

and again. By

7:11

the end of the week, I had spent $390 on the blanket.

7:18

It was silly for a jobless person who

7:20

lived in a couple's spare room. I

7:22

folded it carefully and tied it with a

7:24

ribbon and emailed David. Can

7:28

we talk? He agreed

7:30

to meet me by Lake Merritt. We

7:33

sat on a towel by the water a few blocks

7:35

from his apartment. The handmade

7:38

blanket rested in my lap.

7:40

I fidgeted with the loops, glancing

7:42

up at David and back down again. My

7:45

breath still catches when I picture his face

7:48

then. It was hurt and certain

7:50

and skeptical. He waited silently

7:53

while I tried to put a sentence together.

7:57

I'm sorry, I said. had

8:00

a conversation with you before breaking things off.

8:03

You're right,

8:04

he said. I looked away. I'm

8:07

afraid I made a mistake, I said. My

8:11

words were jumbled as I tried to explain

8:14

that when faced with the potential for a healthy

8:16

relationship, my body and mind

8:19

panicked, that instead

8:21

of feeling comforted by a loyal partnership,

8:24

I felt disgusted and afraid. I

8:27

said I was talking to my therapist about

8:29

it. I said that I think it was because

8:32

what he offered was unfamiliar. Until

8:34

that point, my closest relationships

8:37

had been marked by uncertainty and loss, and

8:39

they felt

8:40

perversely safe.

8:43

He nodded, patient and watching

8:45

me, and then explained that

8:47

it made sense to him. He had

8:49

listened to my stories of past relationships.

8:52

After I broke up with him, he got

8:54

a book by Dr. Robert Firestone called

8:57

The Fantasy Bond. He thought

8:59

that I might be seeking to recreate

9:01

the trauma and uncertainty from

9:03

earlier years. Dr.

9:08

Firestone says that instead of questioning

9:10

their circumstances,

9:12

children blame themselves

9:14

for their pain. Not only do they

9:16

blame themselves, they also begin

9:19

to expect loss and loneliness.

9:22

Faced with a new version of adulthood, my

9:25

worldview had been threatened. David

9:28

read the book to understand why I was

9:30

breaking his heart. He had

9:32

no expectation that I would change my mind

9:35

or that we would even talk again.

9:39

Eight years have passed

9:41

since that conversation.

9:42

The blanket now rests in our window seat.

9:45

It sits next to the binoculars that we

9:48

use to watch the animals that wander

9:50

through our backyard. Foxes,

9:53

ducks, geese, bunnies, and

9:55

once

9:56

a wolf.

9:57

In the months after, I gave him the blanket.

10:00

I kept wanting to run away. At

10:03

therapy, I lamented that I wasn't experiencing

10:06

an all-consuming obsession. I

10:08

just felt

10:09

warm, safe, at

10:11

home. It

10:14

wasn't easy to fall in love with David,

10:17

but eventually it became easy

10:19

to stay.

10:22

David is kind to me every

10:25

day, and I am kind to

10:27

him. We laugh often.

10:30

We read one another's

10:32

writing and

10:33

talk late into the night. As

10:36

the last years brought wildfires, hospitalizations,

10:39

and the pandemic, our commitment to

10:42

each other has not wavered. We

10:44

are gentle

10:45

and generous with one another.

10:50

Sometimes I look back longingly

10:53

at my rollercoaster romances with

10:55

men who wouldn't call me back, and

10:57

from whom I tried to hide myself, where

11:00

love was all about longing, not

11:02

belonging.

11:02

I look back

11:04

at the biting words and fractured feelings,

11:08

the elation of coming back together

11:10

after breaking everything apart.

11:16

We grow up believing that the

11:18

world as we experience it is the

11:20

most natural. Questioning

11:23

our immediate experience doesn't work

11:26

when we are children, because if our

11:28

life isn't safe, where can we

11:30

go? And as an

11:32

adult, I sought out situations

11:34

that would bring me back to my early years.

11:38

Anything else felt too strange

11:39

to be trusted.

11:42

I have apologized to David

11:44

for not allowing him the whirlwind

11:47

early romance that he deserved. Because

11:50

of my angst, he missed out on the

11:52

magical, hormone-fueled months

11:54

that often

11:55

mark the beginning of a relationship.

11:58

And sometimes I stuck in the middle of the world. a pang

12:00

when someone mentions their floating early

12:03

days of love. The headiness,

12:05

the thrills, a bubble of invincibility.

12:09

But there are other kinds of magic.

12:17

If you want to hear my conversation with Jessica

12:19

Slice, you can find it in the Modern

12:22

Love

12:22

podcast feed. Modern

12:26

Love is produced by Julia Botero, Christina

12:28

Joseph, and Riva Goldberg with

12:30

help from Emily Lang. It's edited

12:33

by our executive producer Jen Poiant and

12:35

Annabelle Bacon. This

12:38

episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez. Our

12:40

show is recorded by Maddie Maciello. The

12:43

Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell, original

12:45

music by Carol Saburo and Pat McCusker.

12:49

Digital production by Mahima Chablani and

12:51

Nell Gologli.

12:52

The

12:53

Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.

12:56

Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.

12:59

I'm Anna Martin.

13:00

Thanks for listening.