0:00

This podcast is supported by FX's

0:02

feud, Capote vs. the Swans. Inspired

0:05

by actual events, the series tells

0:07

the story of writer Truman Capote

0:09

and the women he betrayed. The

0:11

original housewives, they were society's most

0:14

elite women, rich, glamorous socialites who

0:16

defined a bygone era of high

0:18

society New York. From creator Ryan

0:20

Murphy, this drama series features an

0:23

all-star cast including Naomi Watts, Demi

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Moore, Diane Lane, Molly Ringwald, Calista

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Flockhart, Khloe Sevigny, and Tom Hollander

0:30

as Truman Capote. FX's

0:32

feud, all new Wednesdays on FX.

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Stream on Hulu. Love

0:39

now and tomorrow is

0:42

stronger than anything. And

0:44

they love you more

0:46

than anything. From

0:53

the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

0:55

This is Modern Love, and this is

0:57

our first essay drop of the season,

1:00

coming from a modern love veteran. Dave

1:03

Finch has written three modern love

1:06

essays, all about how much

1:08

he adores his wife, Kristen, and

1:10

how hard he's tried to be a perfect husband to

1:12

her. Dave even

1:14

wrote an entire rulebook so he

1:16

could remember how to do everything

1:19

exactly right. Now

1:21

we all know a good partnership takes a lot

1:23

of work, but Dave has had to put in

1:25

extra effort. Dave has autism,

1:27

and he struggles to pick up on cues

1:29

about what other people want from him or

1:31

how they're feeling. That's

1:33

why, at the beginning of this essay you're about

1:35

to hear, Dave is totally

1:38

blindsided when Kristen walks up to him

1:40

with an announcement. If

1:43

you want to hear the many twists and turns

1:45

of Dave and Kristen's story, you can listen to

1:48

my interview with him. Just look for it in

1:50

our feed. But now, here's

1:52

Dave reading his essay on the

1:55

path to empathy, some forks in

1:57

the road. A

2:02

few months before our eleventh anniversary,

2:05

my wife, Kristin, marched into our

2:07

bathroom and told me that our

2:09

marriage was over. More

2:13

jarring still was how casually she said

2:15

it. I'd often been afraid

2:17

that there might be a last straw, a breaking

2:20

point, but in my head

2:22

the breakup scene was always far more

2:24

dramatic. After hours

2:26

of yelling and slamming fists against

2:28

walls, we'd face each other, our

2:31

eyes teary and sincere, and admit that

2:33

ending the marriage was the right thing

2:35

to do. But

2:38

in reality, there were no

2:40

theatrics. I

2:43

asked, so that's it? We're

2:45

not married anymore? Nope,

2:48

Kristin said, relaxing her posture. I

2:51

dug for more information. So

2:55

what, we're separating? Not

2:58

exactly, she said. More

3:00

like detaching. Detaching,

3:04

I repeated, hoping the word would

3:06

somehow make sense if maybe it

3:08

came from my mouth. Kristin

3:11

nodded. We'll call it unmarried.

3:16

And then, as abruptly as she'd started

3:18

the conversation, she walked out of the room,

3:21

leaving me with my underpants and a

3:23

million unanswered questions. Over

3:27

the next two years, the practical parts of

3:30

this setup became clear. Would

3:32

we continue to live together? Yes.

3:36

Hmm, could I now ignore

3:38

housework? No. Raise

3:40

the kids together? Yes. Remain

3:43

faithful to each other? Certainly. And,

3:46

we'd continue to honor the terms

3:48

of our mutual permissible philandering agreement

3:50

involving Lenny Kravitz for Kristin and

3:52

Scarlett Johansson for me. The

3:56

most serious change and the

3:59

most difficult for me to grasp, was

4:02

learning to release the expectation that

4:04

as spouses, we should be responsible

4:06

for the other's happiness. This

4:09

was Kristen's idea. Imagine

4:13

if we weren't constantly looking to each

4:15

other for a sense of validation, she

4:17

said. Imagine if

4:19

I could just accept you for who you are

4:22

and not want to fix all the things you do

4:25

that annoy me. That

4:27

would feel a whole lot like love. I

4:31

wasn't buying it. Releasing

4:33

Kristen for my dependency meant that I'd

4:35

have only myself to blame whenever I

4:37

felt unhappy. Worse, I'd

4:40

have to become someone I enjoy spending time

4:42

with, which seemed like an

4:44

impossible proposition. Besides, I

4:47

already had someone I enjoyed spending

4:49

time with, someone named Kristen. Why

4:52

would I want to cozy up with the

4:54

one person who was an expert in making

4:56

my life miserable? I already

4:58

knew that guy. Therapists, a whole

5:00

team, couldn't help that guy. Kristen

5:06

for her part quickly made detaching look

5:08

easy. She had

5:10

long chats with her friends, floated around

5:12

the house singing songs, writing little love

5:15

notes to herself, and refusing to engage

5:17

in arguments, which was infuriating.

5:23

Call me competitive, but I could not stand

5:25

on the sidelines while Kristen made all this

5:27

progress without me. So

5:30

I tried to imitate some of her interests. I

5:33

dabbled in Buddhism for a few months, and

5:36

when that didn't pan out, I turned to Kristen.

5:39

From there, it was on to chakra

5:41

cleanses, energy cures, and a regrettable essential

5:44

oils phase. Even

5:46

my shaman knew what a waste of time

5:49

all this was, so I packed up my

5:51

incense and plotted my next move. So

5:55

then I thought, you know, maybe a few solid friendships

5:57

could be the key. I

5:59

took to searching for soul buddies with the

6:01

vigor of a bargain shopper combing the

6:03

sail racks at Macy's. I

6:05

found a few candidates, a comedian, a

6:07

handful of autism experts, and a dog,

6:10

but they wanted nothing to do with me within weeks of meeting.

6:14

I was too much for them, too enthusiastic

6:16

about the friendship, even

6:18

for the dog. Ever

6:22

the optimist, though, and realist, Kristen

6:24

encouraged me to spend my time on

6:26

more solitary hobbies, mountain biking, and preserving

6:29

the bones of animals. But

6:31

I just wasn't interested. I

6:36

couldn't shake the notion that if I could be

6:38

happy on my own, then what

6:40

was the point of staying together? Wasn't

6:43

the point of marriage to offload the

6:45

entire burden of one's happiness to one's

6:47

partner? We'll

6:51

be right back. This

6:55

podcast is supported by FX's feud,

6:57

Capote vs. the Swans. Inspired by

6:59

actual events, the series tells the

7:02

story of writer Truman Capote and

7:04

the women he betrayed. The original

7:06

Housewives, they were society's most elite

7:08

women, rich, glamorous socialites who defined

7:11

a bygone era of high society

7:13

New York. From creator Ryan Murphy,

7:15

this drama series features an all-star

7:17

cast including Naomi Watts, Demi Moore,

7:20

Diane Lane, Molly Ringwald, Kalista Flockhart,

7:22

Chloe Sevigny, and Tom Hollander as

7:24

Truman Capote. FX's feud,

7:26

all-new Wednesdays on FX, stream

7:28

on Hulu. When

7:33

you think about the 2024 election, how do you feel? Second.

7:36

Hey y'all, Esteb Herndon here, host

7:39

of the run-up from the New York Times. And

7:41

recently, I've been asking this question a

7:43

lot. I feel tired. I

7:46

feel a little scared. And

7:48

I've been hearing the same sort of

7:50

answer in reply. We have an incompetent

7:52

incumbent and a Republican that I'm not

7:54

going to vote for. When voters look

7:56

ahead to the 2024 presidential election, they

7:58

feel apathy. bread that is

8:01

just a mess. The

8:03

run-up is your guide to that mess. Each

8:06

week. I am going to vote for the

8:08

man with the most impeachment and the most

8:11

indictments. We'll talk to voters, elected

8:13

officials. I believe America can do

8:16

for anyone what she's done for

8:18

me. And the candidates themselves.

8:21

All to help you better understand this

8:23

moment in American politics. The

8:26

run-up is new every Thursday. Listen

8:28

wherever you get your podcasts. Things

8:32

finally clicked for me on a trip

8:34

to San Diego to celebrate Kristen's 40th

8:36

birthday. We

8:38

were sitting on the beach watching a pair

8:40

of harbor seals slapping and barking at each

8:42

other. And we used this

8:44

time to discuss the whole unmarried

8:47

concept. Many

8:49

of my questions from that first conversation

8:51

two years earlier were still unanswered, including

8:53

the most urgent. Why bother with

8:55

marriage at all? Dave,

8:58

it's so simple, Kristen said, smiling

9:00

and squinting into the afternoon sun.

9:04

I don't need anyone to show up and play

9:06

the role of husband. You know, I don't need

9:08

you to be a Buddhist or

9:10

to have a host of new friends I've never

9:12

met. All I've ever wanted

9:14

is for you to be in my

9:16

life as my favorite enhancement. It

9:19

makes me happy. An

9:21

enhancement, I said. My

9:24

favorite enhancement, she added. She

9:28

wiggled her toes into the sand as I looked

9:30

beyond the roughhousing seals at the waves breaking along

9:32

the shore. I can

9:35

do that, I said, though a part

9:37

of me still pined for that codependent relationship

9:39

I'd signed up for 13 years earlier. A

9:44

hundred feet away, a photographer snapped

9:46

photos of a young, happy

9:48

looking couple, and

9:50

I briefly fantasized about drowning them

9:52

in a lagoon. The

9:55

visual made me laugh, and so I shared it with

9:57

Kristen, who also got the joke. She

10:01

took my hand and said, now

10:03

there's an engagement card I would hang on

10:05

our fridge. And

10:08

there it was. In

10:10

our laughter, I heard the

10:12

inseparable friendship of us being unmarried.

10:22

Modern Love is produced by Julia

10:25

Boquero, Christina Joseph, Emily Lang, and

10:27

Reeva Goldberg. It's edited by

10:29

Mark Lagan. Our executive

10:31

producer is Jen Pojan. The

10:34

Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell. Original

10:37

music by Dan Powell, Pat McCusker,

10:40

Marion Lozano, and Carol Savero. Digital

10:44

production by Behema Triblani and Nell Golokley.

10:47

The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel

10:49

Jones. Mia Lee is the editor of Modern

10:51

Love Projects. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks

10:54

for listening.