0:00

Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey bring explosive

0:02

chemistry to fellow travelers, a new

0:04

Showtime original limited series from the writer

0:07

of Philadelphia. Bomer and Bailey play

0:09

two political staffers who fall in love at

0:11

the height of the lavender scare of the 1950s.

0:14

Their fiery and forbidden affair intensifies

0:17

through the decades, despite the constant

0:19

threat of being exposed and losing everything,

0:21

including each other. The Can't Miss

0:24

limited series also stars Jelani Aladdin,

0:26

Noah J. Ricketts and Alison Williams,

0:28

new episodes streaming

0:29

now with the Paramount Plus with Showtime

0:32

plan.

0:49

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

0:52

This is Modern Love. And today,

0:54

a story from Eric Darnell

0:56

Pritchard about their first love. It

1:01

was 1989 in Jamaica, Queens,

1:03

New York. Eric was 11. And

1:05

while other kids were spending their time playing

1:07

pickup basketball or riding

1:10

bikes or hanging out on stoops,

1:12

that wasn't exactly Eric's style.

1:15

I spent a lot of time alone. And

1:18

my older brother was really into sports.

1:20

So he was always like trying to coax me outside

1:23

to play football. And

1:26

no.

1:28

Instead, Eric is what I want to call

1:30

an inside kid. They

1:32

like inside things like watching

1:34

TV, mostly soap operas and

1:36

reading their mom's romance novels.

1:39

I remember specifically

1:41

her Lucky Santangelo books. Wait,

1:44

I don't know who that is. Oh, Lucky

1:46

Santan- Anna, go back

1:48

and read them. Lucky Santangelo is

1:50

like the heroine of all heroines

1:53

and romance novels. Lucky

1:55

Santangelo is strong and men

1:57

get in the way.

1:58

Don't they always? They

2:01

do, actually. Eric was drawn

2:03

to the melodrama of Lucky Sant'Angelo

2:05

of all those soaps because those stories

2:07

allowed them to escape and step

2:10

into a private world. A world

2:12

where people did all sorts of risky things

2:14

for love. A world where they belonged.

2:18

I knew that I was different.

2:21

And I knew that people felt

2:24

that I was different. That

2:26

no one really would ever say

2:29

what that difference was. And

2:32

so as a child, I was different

2:34

in so many ways. Being

2:36

bookish, being a larger kid,

2:39

I wouldn't have called myself queer, but being

2:42

feminine, I felt at

2:44

times like people were trying to get

2:46

around me. Like I lived

2:49

in like a constant state of fear.

2:52

Were you lonely at the

2:54

time?

2:55

Yes, I was absolutely lonely.

2:58

But then a new boy moved

3:00

in right across the street. A really cute

3:03

boy. A boy

3:05

Eric refers to as Elle. When

3:08

they were together, Eric felt like they were living

3:10

in one of their romance novels. Like the stuff

3:13

they read about was finally happening to

3:15

them. Eric wasn't afraid anymore.

3:18

And that's when things got complicated.

3:24

So Eric, your

3:26

story starts when a new family moves in

3:28

across the street with a boy around your

3:30

age. You call him Elle. What

3:33

did you notice about Elle?

3:35

I remember he had just

3:38

like a short, what we called then like a

3:40

scissor. It was just like an all around

3:43

even haircut with like a part in the

3:45

front. And he

3:47

had a Bart Simpson t-shirt because those were

3:50

huge at the time.

3:51

Okay, so he's cool. I'm getting the sense

3:53

that he's

3:54

very cool. Oh yeah, but everyone was cool.

3:56

Cooler than me. You know?

3:59

So he would

4:02

hang out with the boys who were really

4:04

rough and tumble like my little brother. We

4:09

had a makeshift

4:11

basketball hoop in the middle

4:14

of the street. I was hanging from one

4:16

of the telephone poles. It was

4:18

like a milk crate that they cut the bottom out

4:20

of. He'd be out there with someone else

4:23

or he'd be out there by himself just kind of doing free

4:25

throws. He just fit

4:27

in well with everyone

4:29

who I did not, but also

4:32

seemed to be very okay

4:34

on his own. So I remember seeing a

4:36

lot of him by himself on his

4:38

bike eating sunflower seeds. That

4:41

to me was curious because how

4:44

could it be that he both could

4:46

fit in right along with everybody else,

4:49

but then also kind of be like

4:51

me?

4:54

So you're noticing Elle clearly.

4:56

Did you feel like Elle was noticing you too?

5:00

No, at all. And

5:04

I think that's why when he

5:06

actually spoke to me for the first time

5:08

that he did, it was just so disconcerting

5:12

for me.

5:13

Let's go to the part of your essay where

5:15

you talk about that first conversation.

5:20

I was sitting on the porch reading a romance

5:22

novel when Elle turned the corner.

5:26

He rode his bike over to me, standing

5:28

on the bike's pedals, towering over

5:30

me as I read. You want to ride

5:32

with me? He asked. I

5:35

said, uh, okay, let

5:37

me put this in the house as I stumbled

5:39

to my feet. Minutes

5:42

later, we were riding our bikes side

5:44

by side. For

5:47

boys like us, black boys, the

5:49

world could seem large and daunting and

5:52

at the same time feel small and constricting.

5:55

Mounting our bikes was a freedom

5:57

ride.

6:04

After that first bike

6:07

ride, did UNL hang

6:09

out again? Oh, yeah, we hung out all

6:11

the time. At first we would ride

6:13

bikes together. And then also

6:15

I remember we would

6:18

just go to the store and like pull

6:20

our money together and get as much candy as

6:23

we could. So there was always

6:25

penny candy. And we would return

6:27

bottles and get the money from that.

6:31

And you give them as many pennies as you had and they would

6:33

give you a brown bag filled with stuff. Mmm.

6:37

As you kept hanging out,

6:39

what did you pick up on about El? What

6:41

did you see that other people might not see?

6:44

He had like a chipped tooth. That's

6:47

very charming. And

6:50

as we were riding our bikes, I remember him smiling.

6:53

It was a smile that was like

6:55

joy, like super duper happy. Oh my God,

6:58

I love that. But when we weren't together,

7:00

like if I saw him out there

7:02

still playing basketball with everyone else, he

7:05

didn't have the same look on his face.

7:07

So it was like that smile was

7:09

just for you.

7:11

It was my smile, yeah. No, that's

7:13

where I never thought of it that

7:15

way. And so just now.

7:16

Oh, that's beautiful.

7:19

What else did you like about El?

7:22

I like that he was sweet.

7:26

I was sweet and I knew that that meant that

7:29

like people thought that I was gay

7:31

or feminine. But

7:33

El to me was what I thought sweet

7:35

really was, which was just someone

7:38

who was really kind.

7:40

And

7:43

that he was willing to be

7:46

my friend and spend as much time

7:48

as he did with me was so meaningful

7:52

to me because part

7:55

of me knew that there was a real

7:57

risk in being my friend.

8:00

Or at least I felt that's why other people didn't

8:02

spend as much time with me. And

8:05

the more we spent time together, I realized

8:08

that the warmth of who he

8:10

was, the smile, that

8:13

there was something maybe about me that brings

8:15

that out.

8:15

Oh, Eric, you realize that

8:18

as much as you liked Elle,

8:20

there was something he liked about

8:23

you, too.

8:24

Yeah. I felt like

8:26

that I was alright. I knew that about

8:28

myself, but I didn't feel that way

8:31

with anybody else except for my mom

8:34

and my aunt who raised me. Like

8:37

at a certain point for me, he was my boyfriend. I

8:42

don't know if he knew that. But

8:45

for me, it was like, yeah, like I'm into romance

8:47

novels. I'm into soaps. I'm into love, love, love.

8:51

And like, this is my boo. Yeah, this is my boo. Yeah,

8:54

absolutely. But what

8:56

I was feeling was real.

8:58

And

8:59

I think that

9:01

the more we spent time

9:03

together, the more I think it became

9:05

important for me to

9:07

make sure I wasn't making

9:10

it up.

9:12

And so

9:13

I said, I like you. And

9:17

he said, I like you, too. And

9:19

I said, no, I like you, like you. And

9:22

he's like, okay, fool.

9:25

This is huge, Eric. Elle

9:27

feels the same way about you. What

9:29

did that mean to you?

9:31

Yeah, it meant everything

9:33

to me. I mean, it felt very real

9:36

and also still something

9:38

very dreamy. You know what I mean? Like

9:40

just it was both real and

9:43

kind of like, how is this happening? Yeah, like

9:45

I felt like, you know, like in the clouds, like

9:49

floating.

9:50

Totally. I mean, yeah, I know that feeling.

9:52

It's like weightless. It's

9:55

really magical. Okay,

9:57

so this whole time you were hanging out with

9:59

Elle. It was summer break,

10:02

but school was just around the corner.

10:05

You were going into fifth grade, Elle was gonna be in sixth.

10:08

So you weren't gonna see as much of each other anymore.

10:11

And then the night

10:13

before the first day of school,

10:15

Elle gave you something incredibly

10:17

special. Tell

10:19

me about that.

10:21

So the night before the last day

10:23

of summer, he said that he wanted to

10:25

give me something and he pulled out this

10:27

ring, that was his mom's. Oh my gosh,

10:29

he took this from his mom? Yeah, it was his

10:32

mother's ring. Wow. It

10:34

felt like being proposed to. It

10:36

felt to me in many ways kind of like

10:38

how I had read in books of people being proposed

10:41

to or being given like

10:44

a friendship bracelet or just something special.

10:46

I lock it. But then

10:48

it also, because I had had so

10:51

much fear about

10:54

things kind of like falling

10:56

apart and I'd relax into that

10:59

as we were heading into school, it

11:01

was just another kind of

11:03

like moment of just

11:05

me feeling like I could let go.

11:08

Everything is fine. Secure,

11:10

it sounds like. Yeah. And

11:14

it was like the things that I had

11:16

begun to feel, I think with

11:19

that first bike ride just amplified.

11:22

The ring is so special too, because it's

11:25

kind of an acknowledgement to

11:26

the world, right? Exactly,

11:28

yeah. It's like a

11:31

physical manifestation of your connection.

11:34

Yeah, and I think that that's the thing

11:36

that made me feel like, oh wow, like this

11:38

is next level.

11:40

I can share this. So

11:42

you woke up the next day, it's the first

11:44

day of school, you and Elle walked

11:47

to school together, right?

11:49

We did, and I was wearing that

11:51

ring. That

11:54

whole morning I was like playing with the

11:56

ring, I remember looking at it and

11:58

just waiting. to see

12:01

him.

12:02

Then after all that

12:05

waiting you finally see Elle

12:07

at lunch. Let's go to that part of your

12:09

essay.

12:10

Alright. I

12:14

got my lunch tray and sat down to eat spotting

12:17

Elle in the sixth grade section. I

12:19

waved at him from across the room. He

12:22

smiled widely just

12:24

enough to expose a chip left incisor

12:26

and he gave me a soldier salute and sat

12:29

down. I smiled and turned

12:31

to my lunch. As I picked

12:33

up my sports to eat I looked

12:35

at the ring on my left pinky and began to daydream

12:38

of our beautiful summer together. My

12:42

daydream was interrupted by the voice of a

12:44

classmate the school gossip. She

12:46

was an adolescent black barber Walter's

12:49

full of questions.

12:52

Oh that's so nice.

12:54

She said pointing to the ring

12:56

is that your mom's ring. No

12:59

I said with her it was best to

13:01

keep it short. Who's is it?

13:04

Where did you get it from? She asked. I

13:07

told her who had given it to me. Oh

13:10

in sixth grade that's why you

13:12

waved at him. Is he your boyfriend?

13:15

Yes I said. Oh that's

13:18

so sweet. Boys

13:20

liking boys. She said rolling

13:23

her eyes and walking away. I smirk

13:26

thinking that she must be jealous. It

13:29

never occurred to me that she might roll her eyes

13:31

for any other reason.

13:37

It's kind of an intense moment like you were

13:39

feeling so secure going

13:41

into this first day of school. You were feeling like totally

13:45

sure of your connection with Elle

13:48

and then this conversation sounds like it's really destabilizing

13:50

you.

13:51

Yeah I mean so like

13:54

you know my initial sort of sense was she

13:56

was going to take the fact that I

13:58

was in a relationship and say some

14:00

stuff that was going to mess it all up. The

14:03

more that they went on, the

14:07

more I started worrying about

14:10

how this could tailspin.

14:15

When we come back, what Eric said reaches

14:17

L. That's next.

14:24

Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey bring explosive

14:26

chemistry to fellow travelers, a new

14:28

Showtime original limited series from the writer

14:31

of Philadelphia. Bomer and Bailey play

14:33

two political staffers who fall in love at

14:35

the height of the Lavender Scare of the 1950s. Their

14:38

fiery and forbidden affair intensifies

14:41

through the decades, despite the constant

14:43

threat of being exposed and losing everything,

14:45

including each other. The Can't Miss

14:48

limited series also stars Jelani Aladdin,

14:50

Noah J. Ricketts, and Alison Williams. New

14:53

episodes streaming now with the Paramount

14:55

Plus with Showtime plan. Hi,

14:58

it's Samantha Shea from Wirecutter, the product

15:00

recommendation service from The New York Times.

15:03

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15:05

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15:07

we have a huge collection of gift guides to

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find it. Check out all our gift guides at

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nytimes.com slash holiday

15:37

guide.

15:38

Donnie

15:52

So Eric, the first day of school

15:55

comes to a close.

15:56

You'd walked to school

15:58

with Elle that morning, but you'd didn't

16:00

walk home together. Tell

16:02

me why.

16:04

So after school,

16:06

I went home

16:08

while we were going to go home and I was waiting for

16:10

him because we were going to walk home together, but

16:13

he just wasn't there. So

16:15

I ended up walking home by myself. And

16:23

then when I got to our block, you know,

16:25

he wasn't on the stoop and, you know,

16:28

knocked on El's door across the street, no one

16:30

answered. And I just sat on

16:32

the steps and I waited.

16:34

How long did you sit

16:35

there for? It felt like forever.

16:39

And about 15 minutes passed before I

16:41

heard some footsteps on the other side of the house.

16:44

And so I jump up and I turn around

16:46

and it was him and I smiled at him

16:49

and I said, you want to go for a ride? But

16:53

he didn't smile back at me this time. And

16:55

before I could ask what

16:58

was wrong, he punched me

17:00

like right in my eye.

17:05

I was kind of like stars

17:11

based in multiple ways. Like

17:13

I think like just physically, I remember

17:15

like literally seeing stars. That's how hard the

17:18

hit was. But

17:20

also like just kind of like confused.

17:25

I just said, like, why? And

17:31

he started coming toward me

17:33

and I felt like, oh, like that

17:35

he was coming to actually help me. So even

17:38

though he had hit me, I still

17:41

felt like, oh, he's coming to help me

17:43

up or he's coming to make sure I was OK. Maybe it was an accident.

17:47

And he hit me again. And

17:53

at that point, I just

17:56

did the only thing I was

17:59

really. tough to do is somebody hit you, you hit

18:01

the back or you run. And

18:04

I was mad at that point. I was hurt,

18:06

but I was also mad. So I didn't run.

18:09

I hit a bat. And

18:11

we were in the street fighting.

18:18

How did you eventually stop fighting?

18:21

My aunt, she ran outside and

18:24

she pulled us apart. And

18:27

she kind of literally like dragged me. I

18:29

remember like she just like yanked me and

18:32

pulled me up the stairs. And I was like

18:34

still swinging. And I was crying.

18:37

And she said, Eric, what happened? And

18:41

I remember just saying like, I, you know, I thought, I

18:43

thought Elle liked me. I thought Elle liked me. She

18:47

grabbed me and just like pulled me to

18:49

her chest. And I just

18:51

like cried and cried and cried

18:54

and cried. And like, you know, she walked

18:56

me into the living room. We sat down

18:58

on the couch and I just kept crying, crying,

19:01

crying.

19:02

Oh,

19:04

did you understand why

19:06

Elle hit you?

19:10

I think I wanted it to be something

19:13

different, but I

19:15

think a part of me had to have known.

19:18

There's something that he

19:21

felt that I had done to harm him

19:23

in some way.

19:26

It's a really difficult position

19:29

to be in to both be like feeling

19:32

betrayed by that person, but then

19:34

also feeling like you might have harmed them too. And

19:36

so

19:38

it's just a lot. It was a lot to

19:41

carry at 11.

19:43

It's a lot

19:45

to carry still at 44.

19:49

I hear you. I mean, but it was never

19:51

your intention to hurt

19:53

Elle, right? I mean, I think that's why this is so

19:55

heartbreaking

19:57

is you just, you really

22:00

as wide as it had ever been.

22:04

And they got in a van and they

22:06

drove away and I

22:08

never saw him again.

22:13

What was in that final moment, that

22:15

final smile?

22:21

I think

22:23

it was an affirmation

22:26

that he was not mad at me. That

22:31

I was okay, that I hadn't

22:33

done anything wrong. And

22:36

so it felt to me like

22:38

the closest thing that

22:41

could happen between two 11 year olds forgiving

22:45

each other. Or I

22:47

guess from his side, at least for me, I

22:50

felt like it was an apology.

22:54

An apology, an apology for

22:57

hitting you, an apology for causing you pain.

23:00

Yeah.

23:03

Now, 33 years later,

23:05

if you could speak to El,

23:10

what would you say to him?

23:12

I'd say thank you.

23:16

I think that having a first

23:19

love, even though

23:21

it ended the way that it did,

23:25

I am just so grateful

23:29

for the moments that we did

23:31

have together, for the

23:33

cocoon that safety that

23:35

we had together to really

23:38

just kind of be vulnerable and

23:40

love each other, like

23:42

each other. And I know

23:44

that a lot of people don't get that.

23:47

They don't get it at 11 and they don't get it, some

23:50

people don't get it at 44, right? And

23:53

I'm grateful to have had it for the time

23:55

that I did. And

23:58

I hope to see you again. he's happy.

24:00

You know, whatever it

24:02

is that he is doing now, wherever

24:05

he is, whoever he is, I

24:08

hope that he looks upon me with

24:10

the same kind of gratitude and

24:12

also with the wish that I'm happy

24:14

to.

24:17

Eric, thank you

24:19

so much for

24:20

telling me the story of your first love. Thank

24:22

you for letting me tell

24:24

my story. It's to

24:27

be cherished.

24:40

Modern Love is produced by Julia Botero,

24:43

Christina Joseph, and Reba Goldberg

24:45

with help from Emily Lang. It's

24:48

edited by our executive producer, Jen

24:50

Coyant. This episode was mixed

24:53

by Sofia Landman. Our show is

24:55

recorded by Maddie Maciello. The

24:57

Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell, original

25:00

music by Dan Powell, Marion Lozano,

25:03

Pat McCusker, and Carol Saburo. Digital

25:06

production by Mahima Chablani and Nell

25:08

Gologli. The Modern Love column

25:10

is edited by Daniel Jones. Mia

25:12

Lee is the editor of Modern Love projects.

25:15

I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.