0:00

Douglas is one of many who found a

0:03

new life through Seattle's Union Gospel Mission. I

0:05

was living on the streets when I heard

0:07

this guy talk about how he got clean

0:09

and sober at the mission. So I decided

0:12

to give it a try. I could feel

0:14

something working inside of me, and I knew

0:16

I was getting better. Today, my number one

0:18

goal is to stay clean and sober. To

0:26

hear more, volunteer or donate,

0:29

visit ugm.org. Hey,

0:32

what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and

0:34

it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast

0:37

for Monday, November

0:39

27th, 23,

0:43

sorry, 23. I've

0:45

been fucking that up all year. I

0:52

mean, Jesus Christ, by the time I realized

0:54

it's 23, it's going to be 24.

0:58

That's going to be a great Boston year. Oh

1:01

my God, can you believe it's 2020, four? Do

1:05

you know those people in Massachusetts? They say four.

1:09

FOU-WH four. How

1:15

old is your niece? Oh my God, she's already

1:17

four. You want to get a pizza? Oh,

1:25

why do I always do that? You know, because I

1:27

miss it back there. But I will tell you, I

1:30

absolutely love Los Angeles, especially

1:32

this time of year when it gets

1:34

cold out and the Santa Ana winds

1:37

come blowing in from

1:40

across the desert, blowing

1:43

out all

1:45

the homeless vets that you

1:47

cheered at a football game.

1:50

And then they lived under a

1:53

bridge too close to your

1:55

fucking house. called

2:00

your local politician and said, get

2:02

them the fuck out of here, but

2:04

he did it and doo doo doo. They

2:07

never talk about the back end of the military career.

2:10

You know, after the NFL charges

2:12

them for a commercial, we all tell you

2:14

very service and all that shit when they're

2:16

homeless. Where are we? Driving

2:21

by with your fucking Yeti hanging

2:23

out the window. Cause you, your,

2:27

your personal trainer told you to drink

2:29

more water to

2:31

flush the fucking Botox out of your ass

2:34

that you had bleached. Is

2:37

that what we're doing out here? Um, yes

2:40

we are, but it's also, it's a great time of year.

2:45

It's a great time of the year to be out here.

2:47

Um, you

2:51

know, my tour is done and uh,

2:55

I went to the cash show today. You know, it's

2:57

funny, the NFL, the amount of games the NFL had

2:59

spread out this weekend really fucking

3:02

pissed me off. It

3:04

just really fucking pissed me off. Okay. Football's

3:06

for Sunday. You got Monday night. No,

3:08

that we got fucking Thursday and you're

3:10

trying to take Friday. So

3:14

I got the hiccups. I just had some leftover,

3:17

um, Thanksgiving

3:20

for the, let's see, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, third day in

3:22

a row. And then I throw it out Monday. My

3:25

wife's fucking hovering over me going, I

3:27

don't know. That was made on like

3:29

Thursday. I'm like, it's Thursday. It's fine.

3:32

It's fine. All right. Stop hovering over

3:34

this masterpiece. All

3:36

right. I got the mashed potatoes right next to the

3:38

stuffing. Mashed potatoes go on top of the stuff and

3:40

gravy goes over the top because they both take it

3:42

well. Next to it is I have the cranberries. The

3:44

cranberries are in between the Turkey and the side dishes.

3:46

Okay. Mac and cheese is on the other side of

3:48

the stuffing and the gravy. Then you got your greens

3:51

coming around to meet the fucking Turkey. And then you

3:53

got your piece of bread or whatever the fuck you

3:55

want in the middle. Okay.

3:57

If I have a system, this isn't my

3:59

first. fucking rodeo. Okay?

4:04

Um, anyway,

4:06

uh, yeah, the fucking NFL. It's like, what are

4:08

you doing to me? You're gonna have three fucking

4:10

games on Thursday. You can have one on Friday.

4:12

You can

4:15

have the rest of the games on Sunday and then

4:17

one more on Monday. It's like, I'd like to see

4:19

my kids grow up. Can

4:22

you put the crack pipe down

4:24

for a fucking day? And

4:26

in between that, in

4:29

between that, we had college football,

4:32

the biggest games

4:34

of the regular

4:37

season. This weekend.

4:39

I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm lucky I

4:41

still know my fucking name. Now

4:43

the old me, the

4:45

old Billy, old Billy whiskers, right?

4:47

The younger me, Billy

4:51

whiskers. I like that. The, uh, I'm

4:53

on one. I'm fucking on one.

4:56

Four days of Thanksgiving feeling good. Um,

4:59

the old me, I would have

5:01

fucking sat there and you know,

5:03

barely paid attention to relatives and

5:05

I would have fucking sat through

5:07

three fucking games. Fuck

5:09

you NFL. I'm not

5:11

fucking watching three football games on

5:14

Thanksgiving. Jesus fucking Christ.

5:16

Give me one good fucking game. I don't

5:18

need to watch. I'm not,

5:21

you're taking my whole fucking day. You

5:23

cunt. Trying

5:26

to take my whole fucking week. You

5:29

know what they are? The NFL and the

5:31

fucking NBA, they're like that fucking woman

5:33

that wants all your time. They can't accept

5:35

the fact that you got friends that you

5:38

want to hang out with one night on

5:40

the weekend. You

5:42

hanging out with your friends for a long night, but

5:45

we scheduled a double header on

5:48

Friday. Yeah. Fuck you bitch.

5:50

I'm not watching it. I'm

5:52

not missing my kids growing up because you're going to fuck it. You

5:55

got 32 fucking teams and you're

5:57

going to spread them all out. Right?

6:01

Like one of those mentally ill geniuses, you

6:04

know, they can't fucking hold down a job,

6:08

but they can do the math, you know, that figures out

6:10

how to do something. I don't know, too stupid to do

6:12

the right thing. A beautiful mind! At least

6:16

that's what Hollywood taught me. There's

6:19

people out there that are special and

6:21

they have beautiful minds. And

6:24

Hollywood loves to make movies about them, you

6:27

know? Beautiful minds that play pianos,

6:29

that figure out physics, that

6:31

fucking count matches in fucking Las Vegas.

6:33

They've been doing it forever. It's

6:38

a well-worn, it's literally a genre,

6:42

you know? To make you stop and think. Hollywood

6:46

wants you to stop

6:48

and think about how you treat people

6:50

with special needs while they're out here

6:52

in their infinity pools with barely legal

6:54

women, with fucking blow and

6:58

whatever. AI technology. Who

7:04

the fuck are you to

7:06

make a movie that I'm supposed to learn something

7:08

from? Why don't you watch your own fucking movies? You

7:10

ever think of doing that? One of

7:13

my favorite things in the world, the Hollywood lecture. Oh,

7:16

by all means, Hollywood. Sports

7:19

integrated 70 fucking years ago. Hollywood still looks

7:22

like baseball in like 1962. Every awards season,

7:31

someone's gonna go up there and give

7:33

me all the other states a lecture.

7:40

Anyway, yeah, so I

7:42

just decided today, like I watched a football

7:44

game on Thanksgiving.

7:46

I watched the second half of the

7:48

Lions and the Bears

7:50

and then I watched

7:53

the Dolphins, was

7:55

it Jets game? Whatever, whoever the fuck they, but I can't even keep

7:57

track of it. It's too much for me. All

7:59

right? And then on Saturday,

8:03

I watched a hail

8:06

to the victors valiant

8:08

hail to the cock

8:11

big heroes hail hail

8:13

to Michigan fuck you

8:16

Ohio State. I

8:19

watched the Michigan Wolverines win

8:23

the game. I would not

8:25

say that they they kicked

8:27

their ass. They did not. I would say I

8:29

was very impressed with the quarterback

8:31

of Ohio State and I was underwhelmed

8:34

with the corners on

8:36

Michigan man. I know they had a couple of picks

8:39

you know one was the end when he had a

8:41

force to make a play so you know that's a

8:43

mulligan. They had one fucking pick but out you know

8:45

dropped another one and Jesus Christ how many fucking times

8:48

did they get burned deep in that game? That

8:50

was a little a little unsettling so I'm

8:53

happy but I am happy they'd be at three

8:55

years in a row all right nothing to fucking

8:57

brag about Ohio State beat us seven times in

8:59

a fucking row so you know and

9:02

I've been so busy this year I didn't even

9:04

realize LSU was having a great fucking year in

9:06

their quarterbacks like a Heisman Trophy winner you know

9:08

why that is you know why that is guys

9:10

I guess maybe I'm working too much maybe

9:13

I'm trying to be too involved as

9:15

a father you know people

9:17

do that oh

9:19

you know you're excited about oh did you

9:21

check out fuck over no I

9:23

was at a soup kitchen ladling out

9:25

broth for homeless people no Jesus sorry

9:29

okay you know even Jesus got a hooker on one

9:31

day right can't can I fucking can

9:33

I go see Fast and the Furious part

9:36

12 aren't I

9:38

allowed to do that what about my Thanksgiving

9:41

so anyway I watched that game and

9:43

I watched the fucking Alabama Auburn

9:46

game and I'm telling you right now there is

9:48

an unwritten fucking rule like back in the day

9:50

if the Canadians were down back

9:53

in the day when they were just oh my god

9:55

it's a fucking Canadians right that they just had to

9:57

go on the power play the official

10:00

The negotiating crew on a home game in

10:02

the forum was required to put the

10:04

Canadians on the power play to give

10:07

them a chance to tie it up. That's

10:12

the kind of pull they had. Now, I'm not

10:14

saying Alabama did any sort of fuckery. We

10:17

all know that that happens in the springtime, right?

10:20

When they run around the south with bags

10:22

of cocaine, whores, and fucking teetop corvettes trying

10:24

to get their fucking recruits. We

10:27

all know that. Okay?

10:31

There's no reason for saving

10:33

to still have a fanny pack. We know what's

10:35

in it. Um, no,

10:38

there's like this unwritten fucking rule

10:40

that Alabama

10:43

cannot have two losses.

10:48

Like, watching teams try to

10:50

give Alabama their second loss

10:52

of the year, you know what that's like?

10:54

That was like me trying to beat up

10:56

my older brother. The amount of times I

10:58

had him beat, but psychologically, he just had

11:00

it over me, and I would still fucking

11:02

lose. And then I would think

11:04

afterwards, like, why didn't I keep fucking going? I

11:10

should have brought the house instead I rushed too.

11:14

Jesus fucking Christ. They

11:17

fucking stop him with three and a half minutes

11:19

to go. They're fucking... What are

11:21

they, up by ten? Are they up by seven or whatever?

11:25

They kick the ball back to him, the fucking kid

11:27

gets a fair catch, falls on his ass, and

11:29

drops the ball, and gives Alabama the ball back.

11:31

Now, I'm not saying that if he didn't do

11:33

that, they would have won the fucking game. Who

11:35

knows? They could have gone three and

11:37

out, only burned off, you know, fucking 40 seconds

11:40

off the clock. Alabama could have got it back

11:42

about by. So anyways, they

11:44

drive down the fucking field, they get a touchdown. All

11:47

right, now Auburn's only up by three, they get the

11:49

fucking ball back. You

11:52

know, they get a couple of... I don't know

11:54

what the fuck happened. It's just all going

11:57

together with Michigan's final drive, keep getting the most

11:59

out of it. first downs and running the ball

12:01

down their throats like fucking the Big 10 football

12:04

is. They fucking

12:06

get, they ended up giving the ball back to

12:09

Alabama. It's

12:12

third goal. They take like a 20 yard fucking

12:14

sack. They're all the way back to like the

12:16

35 yard line or something.

12:20

Final play of the game. What do they do? They

12:22

rush two. The

12:26

guy's just standing back there for

12:28

like a half a minute. Long

12:31

enough for the cops to trace a fucking

12:33

phone call and then

12:35

he finds this kid in the back of the fucking end

12:37

zone. I just burst it out laughing going like you just

12:39

can't do it. It's

12:41

illegal. Although I will tell you who's

12:43

going to give damn damn chicken raunchy, who's going to

12:46

give goddamn George and Bulldogs. That's

12:49

going to be a fucking game. That

12:51

is going to be a fucking game. Wait a

12:53

minute. Are they not in that game? Are

12:55

they in that game? I don't

12:57

know how it works. They sort of split the thing up. Like

13:00

who goes to the fucking championship game? Is

13:03

Alabama out there the SEC

13:05

West? I

13:08

can't keep fucking track of it anymore. So anyway, so

13:10

I did that on Saturday. So on Sunday, what am

13:12

I going to do now? Am I going to fucking?

13:14

Oh, and by the way, I've been watching a bunch

13:16

of episodes of CoJack, which my son loves and my

13:19

daughter doesn't like it. She doesn't like shows where people

13:21

go to sleep and then they go to heaven. That's

13:24

her way of saying dying. So I'm like, all right, I get

13:26

that. My son, he loves

13:29

it. You know, there's cars, there's fucking good

13:32

looking women, you know, guns

13:35

and shit. He just, he loves it. I'll tell you this.

13:37

I got to get the name of the actress on

13:43

season, season

13:45

five, episode one, absolute

13:49

stunner. She

13:51

plays an undercover cop or whatever. I told you this shit,

13:53

dude. She's the scene. She fucking, she's

13:56

like, uh, she's a

13:58

dancer and a model. this gorgeous body,

14:00

sick ass dress that she's wearing.

14:04

She comes out of the elevator, she walks

14:06

by two Porsches and then

14:09

gets into a silver Ferrari

14:12

Denali. There's

14:15

some gun play too in the middle of that

14:17

and there's a fucking AMC Pacer. And

14:19

then next to that is like

14:22

a fucking yellow station wagon. I sent the clip to

14:24

Dean Del Rey, he goes, dude, did you see the

14:26

chopper in the background? I missed that. The

14:28

co-jack, the fucking cars are just second to none. So

14:31

I've been watching all that. So today I decided, you know, I'd go

14:33

to the car show and bring my daughter. I

14:36

miss it every year and it was something, the last time I went

14:38

to the car show, if you can believe it, was like fucking 1982

14:40

or 83. We

14:46

used to go to some sort of convention center, you

14:48

know? I don't remember, we used to

14:50

try to talk my dad into buying like a

14:53

van. This is how long ago, like when custom

14:55

vans were out. This thing's for fucking sick, right?

14:57

They had like, you know, it's

14:59

a typical van, but then the vans were

15:01

always just like, just

15:03

shit on the inside. It was for like working

15:05

people. It was right when they started to make,

15:09

was the beginning, I would say the

15:11

van was sort of the first luxury

15:13

SUV is when people started

15:15

hooking up vans. So the

15:17

regular hot rod people started doing it

15:20

themselves. And

15:22

then these

15:24

fucking creeks, right? They

15:27

had like two bucket seats and like a water bed

15:29

in the back. And then they would have like fucking

15:31

carpet going from the floor up the walls and the

15:33

ceiling and all that lava

15:35

lamp and all of that shit back there, you know?

15:38

Or so the legend goes. So then

15:40

after a while, you know, these things become

15:43

cool. And then the big three decide to start making

15:45

them. And I remember they had like this fucking, like

15:47

a Chevy, a

15:49

Chevy one before they had that space age looking front

15:51

end in the late 80s. It was

15:53

sort of the square body front end. And

15:56

it had like, I think

15:59

that had the two. chairs up front, four

16:01

captain's chairs, which was just the

16:03

ultimate in luxury. I

16:06

think the interior was velour, which was like,

16:08

Oh my God, it's so plush and fancy.

16:11

And then in the back away in the back was

16:13

like a bench seat. And we

16:15

begged my dad to buy that. Why

16:24

can't you just do this? This would be fucking

16:27

awesome. Why

16:29

do we always got to get a sensible car?

16:31

This doesn't make any sense. This

16:33

way is fucking awesome. You

16:39

know, one of the best things to buy is, is

16:42

when you're looking at buying something and then the person

16:44

next to you is going, I mean, what are you

16:46

going to do with that? I mean that right there,

16:48

you know, you're buying some fucking cool shit. You

16:52

got room for that? Don't

16:54

you already have one of those? All of those

16:56

questions. You

16:58

know what that means in the United States of America?

17:01

Buy it. Just

17:06

once, just once. Can

17:09

you buy the custom van so

17:11

we can go to church

17:14

with fucking smiles on our face

17:16

while everyone looks at you like you're

17:19

dealing coke? Um,

17:22

I get why my dad didn't buy that fucking thing. I

17:25

get it. Oh

17:27

man, that thing was fucking sick. And

17:30

then Toyota had one, Volkswagen had

17:32

one, you know, we

17:35

were pushing hard for the vans that year. And I

17:38

remember the last year I went to a car show. This is how

17:40

long ago it was. The Pontiac Fiero came

17:42

out and we were all like, Oh my

17:44

God, it's so

17:46

sporty, right? Everyone

17:48

needs to call cars sporty. You know, when

17:51

that came out right around the catalytic converter,

17:53

when all of a sudden an Oldsmobile Cutlass

17:55

442 had fucking 190 horsepower. out

18:00

of its own fucking way, right? But it

18:02

still had the 442, I guess,

18:05

4 grand. The first 4 stood for

18:08

4 grand. Four

18:11

tires. Two jerkoffs

18:13

is all you could put in it or it can't

18:15

go up a hill. I think that's what 442 started

18:17

to mean. As opposed to, I think it used to

18:19

mean four barrel, four speed, posse rear

18:21

end. There's sort of a debate

18:23

about that. And as

18:26

much as I'm a Ford guy, and as

18:29

much as I like the Lincoln Continentals in

18:32

the late 40s and that one from Entourage. I

18:35

mean, Entourage kind of made it a little bit

18:37

of a hacky car because it was such a

18:39

hit show and then every like started looking at

18:41

like it was the Entourage car. It's like, no,

18:43

this is the car JFK got his fucking

18:46

whacked in. Okay,

18:48

that's what this is. Okay.

18:52

This was a Pimp car back

18:55

in the day. Pimps drove these

18:57

fucking things. Gangsters drove these

18:59

fucking things. I haven't

19:02

said that. I love that car and I thought

19:04

it was the perfect car for fucking Entourage. And

19:08

I got to be honest with you, one of the

19:10

last shows with a cool car, when

19:12

I was growing up, every show, the guy,

19:15

the lead had to have a

19:18

cool fucking car and he had to have his own

19:21

fucking car. He couldn't have

19:23

a car that was already on another

19:25

series. You had to have your own unique car

19:27

that said something. You knew who the fucking character

19:29

was by the car that he pulled up in.

19:31

Those days are gone

19:33

because every car is gray, white,

19:36

black. Occasionally

19:39

there's a fucking red. I feel like colors are starting to

19:41

come back. So anyway, I go to the, we go to

19:43

the car show and

19:46

it was funny, man, like

19:49

Porsche wasn't there, BMW, Audi, all the

19:52

fucking high end German shit wasn't there.

19:54

Jaguar wasn't there. It's just

19:57

this fucking internet's just killing this shit. Like

19:59

they used Mercedes. None of that shit was there,

20:01

but they had all the Fords and

20:04

you know, I'm a Ford guy. I fucking love the Fords. You

20:07

know, they had all these, this fucking Ford merch. It's like,

20:09

why can't you just have the Ford logo? I

20:12

don't need Ford built for tough. I don't need

20:14

Ford Lightning. Just that blue and white

20:17

fucking logo

20:19

with the oval thing around it. Can't you just do

20:21

that? Is that asking too

20:23

much? Anyway,

20:26

so we go in there and a couple

20:28

of things they had that were fucking wild.

20:31

They're going to have a baby

20:33

Raptor. So, you know, you

20:35

got the Raptor, right? Now

20:38

they have the Ford Ranger. Does that have

20:40

a fucking Ford Ranger? They got the Ford

20:42

Ranger Raptor. And

20:46

then they had the Ford Bronco Raptor.

20:50

And I was there with my daughter and

20:52

Dean Del Rey. And there was this one

20:54

that was just this sick fucking color. It

20:58

was sort of a gold and a brown, but they put

21:00

all these weird stickers on it and shit. And

21:02

Dean was going, I'd buy this and just

21:05

put heat to those stickers and take them off. And

21:07

no one would know this Raptor until they looked at

21:09

the fucking hood scoop. And I

21:12

was like, that's a fucking cool idea. So

21:14

they had that, they had a Mustang that

21:16

was a six speed standard transmission. And

21:19

they had this sick one that was

21:21

a Mustang GTD, I want to say,

21:23

300 grand. And

21:27

I'm sitting there going like, you're going to find

21:29

some fucking jerk off to pay 300 grand for

21:31

a Mustang. You can buy a fucking Ford GT for

21:34

that. You can buy a Ferrari for that. What

21:37

is this thing doing? And he's like, it's a

21:39

thousand horsepower. It's all

21:41

carbon fiber and all of a, it was basically

21:43

a track car. I

21:47

don't know how many that they could kind of make, but

21:49

out of all of those, you know, I'm not the biggest

21:51

Mustang guy. I was when I was younger, but I liked

21:53

the, what is

21:55

it? Is it the, I was, I was going to

21:58

confuse. Is it the Ford Falcon? Or

22:00

is it the Ford

22:03

Fairline? It's

22:05

the same Mustang chassis. It's the

22:07

one the guy from Fast

22:10

and Loud had that

22:12

he raced the mechanic, put the black hood on

22:14

it, and they forgot to fucking bolt it down

22:16

and it went flying over it. That car, I

22:19

like that one. But I

22:21

will tell you, I'm a sucker

22:24

for anything that's still standard transmission.

22:26

I hate the fucking paddles. But

22:29

anyways, we checked those out, those were cool. And

22:32

then there's this new kind of car that

22:34

my wife had actually ridden in when

22:37

she had a gig in

22:41

Miami, I think. And it was, what's

22:44

it called? Lucid. Their

22:46

high-end one. Things

22:48

are fucking sick and they're all

22:51

electric. So they're fast as shit. And

22:53

it has like, the

22:56

range is like 518 miles. And

22:59

they have a super fast charger. All of

23:01

that shit, there's a lot of like, you

23:03

know what's amazing is the amount of fucking

23:06

misinformation about electric cars. There's a video on

23:08

fucking Instagram where the guy's like, oh, and

23:10

this is a solution? Gas

23:12

combined, look at that. Every charge

23:14

is full. And look at this line of

23:16

electric cars. These people can't go home. It's

23:18

like 20 fucking cars. It's like, where the

23:21

fuck is that? When the fuck does that

23:23

ever happen? The fuck outta

23:25

here. Here's the real deal. You

23:27

fucking buy a Tesla, they give you a home

23:29

charger and you just plug it in like your

23:32

phone at night. That's it. And

23:35

then you're good for the day. You're good

23:37

for the day unless you're fucking driving, I don't

23:39

know, to Albuquerque. Then

23:42

yeah, you gotta fucking pull over. Who gives a

23:44

fuck? You're still

23:46

not paying for gas the whole fucking way.

23:49

It's free. Yeah,

23:53

it takes a little bit longer. It's not

23:55

gonna be like that. It's just gonna go

23:57

faster and faster. And this fucking

23:59

bullshit about a. electric cars, because I love a

24:01

gas combustion engine. I can't get myself to buy

24:04

an electric car. I like it.

24:06

I ride my wife's car. It's

24:09

just not, it's, it's, I

24:11

like hearing the engine. I just like hearing it, like

24:13

hearing the sound of, you know, the

24:16

fucking, the thing

24:18

doing the job. I just, I like that,

24:20

right? The electric one, the speed is fucking

24:22

amazing. You know, they

24:25

don't leave any stains in the driveway. There's no

24:27

grease, no nothing, no, nothing, no dripping, no nothing,

24:29

right? I don't mind. I get, you know, there's

24:31

just not for me, but

24:33

I wouldn't sit there and be like, you

24:36

fucking stupid fucking electric cars. Like, and

24:38

then also acting like there

24:41

were no electric cars until now. It's like

24:43

when they first started making cars, there were

24:45

electric cars. They got to stop fucking saying

24:47

that these fucking idiots don't know

24:50

what they're talking about. The thing, and they're

24:52

sitting there nitpicking, they're making these videos where they're

24:54

pushing down on the dashboard of the Tesla

24:56

and it's making all of these haunted house

24:58

sounds. And it's like, they're

25:00

just throwing those sound effects in there because

25:03

what else are they going to say about it? It

25:07

can, well, no matter how fast your thousand

25:09

horsepower thing is, you're not going to be faster

25:11

than a fucking electric car. So now they're

25:13

just nitpicking like

25:16

your ex girlfriend when you're showing

25:18

up with another Audi, you

25:20

know, she doesn't look

25:22

good in that dress. Like that's what the fuck gas.

25:24

And then what kills me is no

25:26

one's saying you can't have a

25:28

gas combustion car. Nobody's

25:31

saying that shit. That's it. All

25:33

right. You'll be fine. And I

25:35

think whatever car you have will be grand, even

25:37

if they all of a sudden just said like

25:39

you have to go to the fucking global warming,

25:41

you got to do this shit. I

25:43

think if you have like a gas

25:46

combustion car, especially a classic, they're

25:49

not going to fuck with you. You'll be

25:51

grandfathered in like,

25:54

you know, they didn't just tell everybody that NHL to

25:56

wear a helmet. It was like after this year, you

25:58

have to fucking wear a helmet. a helmet. That's

26:00

how it went. You know, I

26:03

don't know. I think

26:05

there'll still be a certain percentage of

26:07

gas combustion cars on the road. Like

26:10

that's never going to go away. It's

26:13

too much a part and

26:15

a really cool part of

26:20

what makes this country awesome. It's people

26:22

fucking working on their cars and

26:25

trying to figure out a way to make it a

26:27

little faster, a little fucking cooler, a little lower, a

26:29

little higher, all of that shit. So I don't think

26:31

it's going anywhere. So, but if you're

26:33

just sitting there like, and you don't know shit

26:35

about electric cars, do not believe any of this

26:37

crap that they're

26:39

saying about the, they just turn on and then

26:41

they blow up and you burn down a house.

26:44

It's all fucking, it's,

26:46

it's, that's coming from oil companies

26:48

and, and, and

26:50

people that don't sell fucking electric cars, but

26:52

they're here. They're going to be here. They're

26:55

fast as shit. Sort

26:58

of boring to look at the Porsche ones. Cool.

27:00

I'll tell you that, that fucking check out that,

27:03

that lucid

27:06

one, like the high end coop

27:09

man looked fucking badass.

27:12

It definitely looked like a man's car and it had

27:15

a nice front end. That's my big thing with a

27:17

lot of electric cars. I don't like the front ends,

27:19

but like this one was cool. It had wraparound light

27:22

that looked fucking cool. Like you were in Blade

27:24

Runner or some shit. And

27:26

I don't know why you'd have a problem with

27:28

something that could have four fucking people in it

27:30

in a trunk full of fucking groceries front and

27:32

back and still beat a Corvette off the line.

27:35

I mean, that's fucking wild. It's

27:37

kind of the best of both worlds. You get to buy the

27:39

dad car and you still get to go fast, maybe

27:41

kill your whole family. You know, I'm kind of concerned about

27:44

that new Tesla that goes 150 miles an

27:46

hour. It's a fucking missile. And

27:48

like the amount of people that just suck at

27:50

driving. I

27:53

mean, that could, that could be, uh, I don't know. Why

27:56

does it go 150 miles an hour? Anyway,

28:03

so I saw the Ford Lightning. I

28:06

finally got to sit in that truck. That thing was cool. The

28:10

frunk where the engine was, the

28:12

whole area where you can just put shit, which

28:14

is fucking unreal. And then in there, listen

28:17

to this shit, they had four

28:19

three pronged outlets and

28:21

then like two or three of those

28:23

little ones for like iPads and your phone and shit.

28:26

It's fucking unbelievable. And

28:29

they're saying that the truck, if you lose, you

28:32

can actually use it as a generator to fucking put

28:34

the lights on in your house for a couple, two,

28:36

three days. That's a pretty

28:38

good truck, right? I mean,

28:40

I know it doesn't make the noise and everything. Listen,

28:44

I'm not, all I'm saying here is

28:46

stop hating on electric cars. All right. Stop

28:49

buying this bullshit that they're these pieces of shit that

28:51

fucking burned down your house. They

28:53

don't. All right. stick.

28:58

They're here to stay. And if you like a gas combustion

29:00

engine, just fucking buy that. You

29:02

know, like what is the fucking problem? I

29:07

kind of like them both, but like, I gotta be

29:09

honest with you. I

29:12

definitely like the old school shit.

29:15

So when we went downstairs,

29:19

there was this whole custom area and

29:21

that's where it had all like the low riders

29:23

and that whole all of that shit and the

29:25

fucking bikes and all of that. That

29:29

whole, all that whole Latino culture and

29:31

the fucking sick ass detail on the

29:34

paint motorcycles. I saw this Harley that

29:36

was detailed so ridiculously. And as I

29:38

was like videoing it, it was sort

29:41

of across the room. I

29:43

was looking at this helmet and I was like,

29:45

is that like a motorcycle

29:48

helmet that looks like a Dodgers

29:50

baseball hat? And

29:52

I went up and that's what it was. And I

29:55

did take a picture of it, but the way they had the

29:57

bikes and everything lit up, it really fucked with

29:59

your phone. so it doesn't look good. It

30:02

was like that thing alone, just the helmet

30:05

and the amount of time and effort that was taken

30:07

on that was

30:10

a work of

30:12

art and like the level that

30:15

Mexicans go when they paint a fucking car.

30:17

I mean, they detail the firewall under the

30:19

hood, under the trunk. They

30:21

don't fuck around. It's unbelievable. And

30:24

some of them, it's like they got so

30:26

many layers of paint. You feel like you

30:28

could put your hand like it looks like

30:30

water. So my

30:32

daughter was loving all of that stuff and the bicycles

30:35

and all of that. And then

30:37

some, you know, you know, the

30:39

classic ones that they that you always see

30:41

low riders like in Palas. And

30:44

then interestingly enough, like those town cars

30:46

from the early 90s. That

30:51

was cool. They had the trunks open and they had the whole that

30:54

whole system in the back that makes it go up and

30:56

down, which I don't even understand. That was

30:58

all fucking cool. And then we went up and

31:01

I went to the dark side. I went to the

31:03

Chevy area and I was like, I don't

31:05

want to go in here as a Ford guy. What if

31:07

I like the fucking Silverado or whatever? But I checked out

31:09

the trucks. They look cool. I like the

31:11

colors of some of them, but I'm just I don't know. There's

31:13

some about the interiors and the

31:15

front grills. I just not into them.

31:17

But I will say I love the

31:20

square body Chevy's and

31:23

I like the early 60s

31:25

ones where that that generation that sixth generation of

31:27

the Ford F 100 I'm not into.

31:29

I like the seventh generation. I like the

31:31

55 Ford. I like a 1940 Ford. This is just gonna

31:36

be a fucking car podcast. I think it is. Anyway,

31:40

so we did that. Let me let me do

31:43

some reads here. Oh, Jesus. Half a fucking hour

31:45

on that shit. I didn't

31:47

get no way. I even got into what the fuck I wanted to

31:49

talk about. So

31:55

what did I just do here? Go back to

31:57

that recording. Still recording. All right. So I I've

32:02

been smoking cigars and drinking coffee like

32:04

a fucking fiend. Like

32:07

I'm running a newspaper. I feel like that's what they used

32:09

to do. Like, come on, you've got

32:11

to make the deadline! Another cup of coffee and

32:13

they're just smoking since the end of July. And

32:15

I was doing this great thing where I was

32:17

like taking the first 10 days off of everything.

32:20

So none of my vices would get out

32:23

of control. But then what happened was in

32:25

June, me

32:28

and my wife's birthdays are in the first two weeks.

32:30

So I was like, well, you know, let's

32:34

just take, I'll do the 10 days at the end of

32:36

the month, which of course I

32:38

didn't do. And then July came,

32:40

I started to do it and then it was July 4th

32:42

weekend and then I didn't do that. Then

32:45

August, we were on vacation. The

32:48

first couple weeks of August, September, I

32:50

was in Europe. And

32:52

then October, I'm on a bus trip and

32:54

I just fucking, somewhere in the end of

32:56

July, I just took

32:59

my hands off the wheel of my

33:01

life as far as my vices, which

33:03

is basically cigars and

33:06

coffee. And

33:10

I've been trying to stop, but

33:12

like I feel like my touring

33:15

schedule and getting ready to

33:17

promote old dads and all of that. I

33:19

just had a lot on my mind and

33:21

I just couldn't kind

33:23

of stop the merry-go-round. So Thanksgiving

33:27

night, my daughter came and she went to sit

33:30

next to me right after I smoked a cigar

33:32

and she made a face and usually she goes,

33:34

oh my God, dad, stop smoking cigars. And she

33:36

didn't, she just made the face and then didn't

33:38

say anything. And I was like, I

33:40

don't like that. She's used to me smelling like a fucking

33:42

ashtray. So I was like, fuck this,

33:45

I'm not smoking cigars. I

33:47

got to take a break, right? So then

33:49

the next morning I woke up and

33:53

we had a friend over, family friend, one

33:57

of Nia's friends and I made her a cappuccino. And

34:00

I was going to make myself one. I was like, you know what? Why

34:03

don't I just not have coffee today? I know I'm going to get

34:05

a little bit of a headache. Let

34:07

me just fucking shut that down

34:10

too. And just just

34:12

for today. All right. I'm

34:14

not saying I'm not drinking coffee. Just not going to

34:16

do it today. I know the headaches coming. Let's

34:18

just see how bad the headache is. Let's

34:21

just see how addicted the caffeine I am. Oh,

34:24

my God, dude. Around one

34:26

o'clock, it started coming on and it was fine.

34:29

But then by three o'clock, it was like,

34:32

what the what is this? Right. And from

34:34

three to about, I don't know, 530. Six

34:39

o'clock, I had a pounding fucking

34:41

headache. And I

34:43

was just sitting there like just laying

34:45

on the couch like, wow. How

34:48

much fucking coffee have I been drinking that

34:51

like 24 hours without

34:53

it, this is what's happening. So,

34:56

you know, I made up my mind. I'm a stubborn fuck,

34:58

so I just plowed through.

35:01

He is hilarious. She's going like,

35:05

what's the matter? What's the matter? And

35:07

I'm like, I'm not drinking coffee today. I got

35:10

a splitting headache. She's like, well, go have a

35:12

cup of coffee. Why

35:15

would you do that to yourself? You know? And

35:18

I'm like, no, I just I just got to

35:20

do this. I need to like I need to

35:22

like, you know, I got to fucking I

35:25

got to get off the fucking merry go round here for a

35:27

second. Got to see where I'm at. So

35:30

then she goes, well, at least drink a bunch of

35:32

water. So I started doing that and I started feeling

35:34

better. And

35:38

it was amazing, right? You know, it

35:40

sucked that day, but the next day I woke up,

35:42

you know, I felt good. And

35:45

I had no desire to drink coffee. So I said, fuck it,

35:47

I'm going to drink coffee. I'm certainly not smoking a cigar. And

35:50

then I woke up today, Sunday, I said, yeah, you know, I'm

35:52

not fucking doing shit. You know what? All of a sudden now

35:54

I'm like, you know what? I want to get back into reading.

35:57

I want to get back into studying French. I

36:00

haven't stretched in a minute. I need to go

36:02

to the gym. I need to

36:05

take care of myself. What the fuck was I doing? I

36:07

was on that, for those of you in the

36:09

music business or whatever you do, where you tour,

36:12

you know when you just sort of

36:15

get into that fetal position where you're

36:17

just out there surviving and

36:20

you got your little vices that kind of get you through.

36:22

Let me just ... Okay, what do I got to do? All

36:25

right, today I got coffee. Let me just get a cup of coffee. If

36:27

I just get a cup of coffee, okay. They

36:29

got an area where you can smoke a cigar and it's like fine.

36:32

I let the whole thing just

36:34

really get out of control. But fortunately,

36:38

I'm not like a full on fucking

36:40

addict. I am a habit guy. I

36:43

am able in

36:46

moments of seeing my daughter making a

36:48

face and not pulling away, that registers

36:50

with me. I go, I don't like that.

36:53

I'm able to say, fuck this. But

36:55

then I don't have to get a sponsor and go to meetings

36:57

or anything like that. I'm somewhere, let's

37:00

say it's a speedometer and the car can

37:02

go 120 miles an hour. As

37:04

far as my addictive shit, I'm about an 80. I'm

37:07

going about 80, 85. I'm definitely getting a speeding ticket.

37:13

So I had

37:15

the splitting headache on

37:18

Friday. On Saturday, I woke

37:21

up and I was like, I feel like

37:23

I need the foam roller and I need

37:25

to stretch all those airplane and bus miles

37:27

off of me here. Let's turn this around.

37:31

Flexibility was for shit. But

37:34

I definitely felt better, played a little bit of drums.

37:38

And then I went, and

37:41

then this morning I woke up and I felt good.

37:43

You know, I stretched right when I woke

37:45

up and

37:47

made the kids breakfast as I always do. And I knew I

37:49

was going to the car show. I said, fuck this, I'm going

37:51

to the gym. So I just said like a half hour and

37:53

an elliptical, just get the blood flowing. And

37:57

now I'm back. And

37:59

I'm fucking reading. Reading again, I've

38:01

been reading Reggie Watts wrote

38:04

an autobiography about growing up

38:06

in Great Falls and his

38:08

whole journey to become one of the

38:10

most, I don't know, just one of

38:12

the most interesting people I've ever seen on stage. So

38:15

I've been reading that and

38:18

I'm still watching CoJack and shit, but like,

38:20

I gotta have something, right?

38:23

But I sort of redefined my back porch. That

38:25

was the place where I just had a fucking

38:27

espresso and a cigar. And

38:29

I kept saying to myself, like, what do you want to do

38:31

about it? You want to get better at smoking cigars and drinking

38:34

coffee? You want to get better at French? You could be playing

38:36

drums right now and all

38:38

of this shit. So anyway, that's

38:42

where the fuck I'm at. So I'm

38:45

going to try to, I

38:47

don't know, like, know like how long I'm going to go this

38:51

time. But

38:57

I mean, I had gotten it down to like two

38:59

cups of coffee a day. I'd have a cappuccino in

39:01

the morning and then in the afternoon, sorry to Italian

39:03

people listening. I know I'm not supposed to have dairy

39:05

after 11 in your world. But

39:11

I couldn't believe it. So I was kind of like, I need

39:13

to like, that, that fucked,

39:15

that needs to fucking simmer down there. It

39:18

was not a healthy relationship if I have

39:20

that level of a fucking headache. So and then

39:24

cigars have always been, I just need to go about

39:26

five days, five days. I

39:28

don't give a fuck. Like, as far

39:30

as like not doing it right now, like Friday and

39:32

Saturday were easy. Today's the first day. I

39:36

was kind of like, well, what

39:38

am I going to do now? I came back from the

39:40

car show. I usually at this point go out on the

39:42

back porch. And I loved it.

39:45

You know, I'd smoke a cigar and I always, you know,

39:47

call my friends back East, get caught up in shit. And

39:53

I was just like, well, you know what you can

39:55

do instead of wasting all that time fucking, you

39:59

know, hurting yourself with your

40:01

vices why don't you go record your podcast

40:03

and knock it out there while

40:06

your son takes a nap so that's what I'm doing

40:09

so anyway oh yeah I'm just gonna try to

40:11

like take care of myself a little bit more

40:13

in this

40:17

next year that's that is what I would like

40:20

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I got a buddy of mine for

42:23

back in my junior high and high school

42:25

days, uh, tells

42:29

me, you know, he gives me

42:31

the heads up his kids

42:33

call every week. Gambling is

42:35

the Iowa Hawkeyes under. I

42:39

was hanging with them in Vegas. The over under was 27

42:41

and a half and it came in. So

42:46

he texts me before Saturday. He goes, look at the,

42:48

look at the under for the Iowa over under. It

42:50

was 25 and a half. It

42:53

was the lowest under in

42:55

college football history, I believe. And,

42:59

uh, it came

43:01

in. I think the final score was 13 to

43:03

10. Iowa

43:07

over the Nebraska Cornhuskers. I mean, that's

43:09

just fucking unbelievable.

43:11

So there you go. Do

43:13

with, do with that information. What you will. All

43:15

right, now here we go. Um,

43:18

Oh, look at this email. This is

43:20

about the movie Leo, which

43:23

has been killing. My kids love it. When, when

43:26

Leo gets all started, he goes, whatever that

43:28

thing Sandler does, it's

43:33

just fucking hilarious. Um,

43:35

turtle. Yeah. I

43:37

play squirtle with turtle with Adam,

43:40

which was, uh, which

43:42

was awesome and difficult. Try not to

43:44

laugh cause he's fucking hilarious. He

43:47

is effortlessly, effortlessly funny. And,

43:50

uh, I had a good time with him,

43:52

Robert Smigel and everybody over there. So, um,

43:55

I've gotten so much positive feedback over that. I

43:57

mean, I've had a nice little run here. Dad's

44:00

did great. Leo's

44:02

doing great. The Club Soda Kenny. You

44:06

guys keep watching that Club Soda Kenny and

44:08

you keep sharing it. It gets enough views.

44:10

Someone's gonna put some money behind it and

44:13

you can see a movie starring

44:15

Club Soda Kenny. I mean tell

44:17

me the world doesn't need that.

44:21

I think they do. And

44:23

when we had the best fucking

44:26

time shooting that thing. We had such a good time.

44:28

I have a good time on everything

44:30

that I do. Because I always I work with I

44:32

work you know don't believe all

44:34

this shit that you hear about electric cars. Don't believe all

44:37

this shit you hear about Hollywood people. There's a lot of

44:39

fucking cool-ass people out here that are fun to work with.

44:42

And I've been lucky enough to pretty

44:44

much you know. I've only worked

44:46

with a couple of cunts. Other than that everybody

44:48

else has been aces. All

44:53

right. Shampoos. Oh

44:55

no you're gonna ask me about

44:57

Shampoos. Jesus Christ what do I

44:59

know about those? Huh? Maybe

45:02

for my undercarriage there. Shampoos.

45:04

Bill I've been reading about

45:08

chemicals and products that do the opposite

45:10

of what they're supposed to do. There

45:13

are books on this that

45:15

stem less from a conspiratorial

45:17

angle and more from the

45:19

designed obsolescence phenomenon of

45:23

the last 50 to 60 years. Well look

45:25

no further than fucking Apple. Apple

45:27

sabotages their own products. In

45:30

the history of like design

45:34

obsolescence I don't think the

45:36

technology ever existed where the

45:38

company you bought a

45:40

product from could then from

45:43

a distance fuck that product over so

45:45

you'd have to come back and buy another one. Shampoos

45:50

have sulfates, parabens,

45:53

chlorides, and a host of

45:55

other chemicals. Some have a

45:57

purpose. Okay let's say you

45:59

want to less in the grease in your

46:01

naturally greasy hair. You would

46:03

use sulfates. Sulfates are used as

46:05

engine degreasers. It

46:09

may aid in this one area. Is

46:12

it used to say may? It may aid in

46:14

this one area. Okay. But ultimately,

46:16

because it causes you

46:18

to lose or thin your hair

46:20

out. As

46:23

they say in the medical community, there is

46:25

no free lunch. Susan

46:27

Johnson and other companies own both

46:29

the shampoo conditioner products that cause

46:32

these things and also their hair

46:34

treatment products as well. Suspect

46:38

yet effective business plan. Guys, listen, this is

46:40

why I'm telling you, blue ties and red

46:43

ties, they're not watching any of these people.

46:45

Can you imagine going

46:48

out there and deliberately making somebody go

46:51

fucking bald? Wait a minute. What

46:53

shampoo did I use? Maybe

46:56

you shouldn't have spent so many nights, oh there

46:58

it is, washing your hair in the 70s. Shit.

47:07

Well, I didn't actually. We

47:09

grew up, we didn't have a lot of fucking ...

47:11

We had a period there where we were struggling, so

47:14

my mother used to wash our hair once a week. Once

47:17

a week, you'd stick your head in the kitchen sink. You'd

47:21

get those fucking nails going. You'd be covering

47:23

your eyes because the soap would go

47:26

in your eyes, it would hurt back then before they

47:28

fucking practiced on

47:30

all those rabbits. That's

47:35

how it was. That was how it was in the 70s.

47:37

Hand me down clothes, wash your hair

47:39

once a week. You went outside, you fucking

47:41

ran around. A

47:44

stick was a gun. It's a

47:46

simpler fucking time. And

47:49

you know what? A cleaner planet.

47:52

Maybe, I don't know, probably not with

47:54

the bad emissions back then. Diet,

47:57

dear Billy Dixie chick. About

48:01

a week ago you asked the advice on what

48:03

diet actually works. I found out in March that

48:05

I have type 2 diabetes. It

48:07

shocked me. I was 5 feet 10 and only 305

48:10

pounds. Anyway

48:14

I was eating like a dick for years plus it

48:16

runs in the family. I should have paid more attention

48:19

to it more than I did. Well type

48:21

2 is reversible isn't it? I

48:24

believe that's reversible. My

48:26

mother has it as well but was able to

48:28

manage it by eating more protein. She

48:31

still uses medication though to lower her

48:33

blood sugars. I started to

48:36

research what I could do and I

48:38

came across Dr. David Unwin, a

48:41

GP, I guess general practitioner in

48:43

England. He had

48:45

a few webinars on

48:48

using a keto diet to control

48:52

type 2 diabetes without any

48:54

medication. My doctor didn't

48:56

prescribe me any medication initially either to

48:58

gauge where I was at when I

49:00

first was monitoring

49:02

my diet. Anyway I

49:05

went full keto apart from

49:07

a serving of vegetables every day

49:09

for lunch it was basically carnivore.

49:11

After 3 months my

49:14

HBA1, the

49:16

measurement of sugar attached to red blood

49:19

cells which was 9.2 was

49:21

now down to 5.7 which is 0.1 above

49:23

non-diabetic levels. Blood

49:28

pressure and cholesterol has dropped to

49:31

all to within normal levels. Oh

49:33

and I lost 50 pounds. Wow

49:36

good for you man keep going. I'm

49:39

still not taking any medication and

49:41

in fact the doctor hasn't asked me back

49:43

in again in about 6 months now. I

49:45

can eat a little bit of carbs now

49:48

too because it works, because

49:50

how it works is removing fat around your organs

49:53

which puts pressure on them making

49:55

them not work properly. Still watching the

49:57

diet and blood sugars though. reading

50:00

about it and other people's success stories with

50:02

it, I thought it too good to be

50:05

true but it worked for me. Just thought

50:07

I'd send you this before you get cancelled.

50:11

Good luck and go fuck yourself. Why

50:16

would I get cancelled? I always said my

50:18

career is the punishment.

50:21

Anybody who gets cancelled inevitably tries

50:23

their hand at doing stand-up on the fucking

50:25

road, which was you know

50:29

wasn't offensive it was just more sad to

50:31

me. Like wait a

50:33

minute I thought I was I'm

50:36

the bottom rung? Oh

50:38

I thought it was doing well. Alright underrated

50:41

everybody. Reading

50:43

the instructions and

50:45

living lean. Hey

50:48

Billy I finally started reading instructions in

50:50

my 30s. Yeah I know it

50:53

just takes so much fucking patience but it's

50:56

never it always

50:58

goes better. It always goes better. You

51:01

know when you're assembling something you should read the

51:03

whole fucking thing and

51:06

then go back because there's always one thing make sure

51:08

that you did this or that'll fuck this step up.

51:11

You just start assembling it you know it

51:14

always goes wrong. Alright underrated reading instructions

51:16

and living lean. Hey

51:19

Bill I finally started reading instructions in

51:21

my 30s. That's you know like

51:24

a prodigy. It only took you to your 30s to do

51:26

that. It took me to my 50s. It's amazing

51:28

what knowing how something works can do

51:30

for your life. I even

51:33

watched a few videos on the iPhone

51:35

capabilities no one knows exists that are

51:37

useful. I've also taken your advice and

51:39

stopped taking on

51:41

more junk. I've thinned the herd

51:44

of material possessions and I'm on

51:46

my way to being a three

51:48

guitar one skateboard laptop phone. Ten

51:52

of my favorite books and clothes for the seasons.

51:56

I can move anywhere in one car

51:58

trip I feel invincible. Dude, that's

52:00

amazing, man. Like, if I could go back

52:02

and talk to my younger self, the

52:05

amount of shit... that...

52:10

I'm just looking around my office now. And

52:14

I'll tell you what's funny is if you start doing well in life, people

52:16

ask you if you want stuff, and you say no, and they

52:18

still send it to you, and then you gotta, like, try to...

52:20

How do I get rid of this? I don't have room for

52:23

this. I had a

52:25

buddy of mine ask me. He goes, Hey, man, they got this

52:27

new Bruin Zip-Up. Dude,

52:29

you want it? I said, no, dude. I have

52:31

too much Bruin Shit. I just

52:33

did comics, come home, they gave me more Bruin Stuff. I got

52:35

two Bruin Shit. He goes, all right, cool. And he fucking sent

52:37

it to me anyway. And

52:40

guess who's best part? It's the wrong size. So

52:43

now I don't feel guilty. Because I saw it, I was like, all right,

52:45

he gave it to me, he gave me a nice

52:47

card. I go, I gotta wear it. I

52:49

gotta wear it. Plus, I love wearing sports shit,

52:51

because Nia hates my sports shit. She

52:54

goes, you're too old to be wearing that stuff. You look like

52:56

a fucking gym coach. It's just like, you know, well,

52:58

what the fuck do you got on? Huh,

53:01

Cruella De Vil? The fuck out of here? You gonna sit there

53:03

and keep, you know, dressing all

53:05

fancy? I can dress like a fucking,

53:07

a fucking

53:10

gym coach.

53:13

Oh my God, I thought the fucking ammo

53:15

in my refrigerator came off. That was really

53:17

gonna annoy me. Um, anyway,

53:20

I, uh, yeah,

53:23

I have so much fucking shit. I

53:26

got a little travel guitar. I have not

53:28

used that fucking thing in forever. You

53:32

know, I got this little fucking flight simulator,

53:34

X-Plane 11 thing. Anybody

53:37

going for their instrument rating? You want

53:39

this fucking thing? You can have it. I'll

53:42

fucking ship it to you. Free of

53:44

charge. Reach out

53:47

to Andrew Themalus. Um,

53:50

who wants a travel guitar? There we go. Just

53:54

getting those couple of things out of here. I

53:57

got all of these books. I'm getting rid of

53:59

these books because I'm never gonna fucking read them

54:01

again. There's just a few that I love that

54:03

I'm gonna keep and then I'll have a place

54:05

to put my records because my records are On

54:07

the floor. Why did I buy all these fucking

54:09

records? What am I a DJ and my quest

54:11

love? Do I have a fucking gig I gotta

54:13

do? No, I don't and I got my little

54:16

high-five fucking radio killer fucking thing out here Why

54:18

do I have this? I? Never

54:21

listen to this shit. I'm listening to this one. My kids

54:23

move out in fucking 20 years, but I can't do it

54:25

now. I Can't

54:27

be out here in the garage. All of my shit

54:29

is in the fucking garage Which

54:35

makes sense because if it didn't my house would

54:37

be weird Yeah,

54:41

just a shit I have on the fucking walls Just

54:47

look at John Bonham Bobby or

54:49

AC DC dr. J It's

54:52

helicopters. What am I fucking eight

54:54

years old? Yes.

54:57

Yes I am Anyway,

55:02

so Still

55:05

have a slight fucking headache I'm

55:08

not gonna lie to you, dude. I was fucking crushing

55:12

Cigars I was doing one a day which isn't good

55:15

but I was

55:18

fucking Crushing

55:20

coffee On

55:24

bad days I would have like three cappuccinos

55:28

On really bad days three cappuccinos and a double espresso. I

55:30

know you guys are all gone. What the fuck? It's

55:32

just like you know what it is. I don't have this

55:34

and I don't have anything else Like I don't know

55:36

what to do when I'm sitting with other people I

55:39

need something to do and I started thinking why do I

55:41

need something to do? I? Have

55:44

something to do go to bed or just fucking sit there

55:46

and drink a wall I

55:50

think I was just like used

55:52

to drinking You

55:54

know Fucking bending the

55:56

elbow, you know, so that became cigars and

55:58

it became like fucking coffee All

56:01

right, you know what? I'm gonna keep my fucking

56:03

hands down. Hands

56:07

down here. I don't know. I'm gonna go

56:10

like 10 days, see how this works out, and then maybe I'll go a little bit longer. I

56:16

don't know. I will tell you, I

56:18

did not appreciate that fucking headache whatsoever. That

56:20

information really let me

56:22

know how fucking... Because I definitely

56:24

have people like, dude, you're freaking another one? If

56:27

I was doing that, I couldn't go to sleep. It's like,

56:29

dude, I'm a fucking ginger. I'm weird. I

56:31

can drink a double espresso and go to bed within an

56:33

hour and sleep eight hours

56:35

and not even have weird

56:37

dreams. Sugar's a different

56:40

thing, and I don't like fucking weed either. That

56:43

is a thing right there. Dude, fuck

56:47

weed. Whatever it is now. You know,

56:49

they talked... You know, like Kib was talking about earlier,

56:51

what the fuck is in shampoo? Let me ask you

56:53

a question. What the fuck is in weed right now?

56:57

Those stupid gummies. What are those crystals on

56:59

it? Sugar? You're

57:02

putting sugar? You know something? Sugar is for fucking

57:04

pussies. Why are they going to make everything taste

57:06

good? They want it to be addictive, is

57:08

what it is. But like, you

57:11

know, do you remember eating like pot brownies when you

57:13

were younger? I mean, you tasted the fucking

57:15

weed. You were like, goddamn. It's like you

57:17

were eating a shrub. You

57:21

fucking tasted it. You're like, I

57:23

am eating fucking marijuana. I'm

57:26

eating marijuana. You know? Eat a gummy.

57:29

It's like, I don't know what this is. Is this like fucking

57:31

glue? Then they put that little bit

57:33

of those crystals on it. Like I have

57:35

no fucking idea what that

57:37

stuff is. And then all these

57:39

different strains. Like this one makes you

57:41

creative. This one makes you fucking chill. This

57:43

one's like, let's get fucked up. Hey, we're

57:46

going to build a house on this one.

57:48

It's just like, weed used to just be

57:50

weed. So like, are they doing what they

57:52

always do? Are they playing God now? Are

57:54

they fucking with the DNA of the fucking

57:57

marijuana plant? And at some point, you know.

58:00

When some Monsanto group is gonna own

58:02

all the fucking seeds to weed and

58:04

if you fucking are growing it That's

58:07

what's gonna be We're in the golden age of

58:09

being a weed farmer as far as like it's

58:11

still you can be a private person and do

58:14

it I guarantee you pretty soon some corporations gonna

58:16

come in and own all of it and it's

58:18

gonna Fucking suck and then you have to go

58:20

to a farmers market to get the organic stuff

58:22

man And then half of that shit is gonna

58:24

be the corporate shit that they weren't worked their

58:27

way in Do you see that

58:29

shit about those organic fucking? products

58:31

and those organic Supermarkets

58:34

you go in there Like

58:36

most of them are already mainstream brands and all

58:38

they do is they take a couple of ingredients

58:40

out And then they're considered

58:42

organic gee, I wondered how that happened.

58:44

They paid off politicians They have people

58:46

in the FDA that used to work

58:49

for them and they just pass it

58:51

through and you think that you're getting

58:53

away From their cancerous horrible shit, and

58:55

they're still feeding it to you. You

58:57

will eat our stuff. It's fucking unbelievable

59:00

Unbelievable how out of control they are and

59:03

then they spend more time trying to figure

59:05

out who's on steroids in baseball Then they

59:08

do what these fucking cunts are feed Alright

59:15

anyway, this is the podcast everybody

59:19

There are many like it, but this one is mine This

59:22

is the Monday morning podcast. I hope you enjoyed

59:24

it And

59:28

I actually feel really good Feel

59:32

really good man. I feel fucking like I

59:34

slowed it down Like I'm

59:37

gonna try to remember this the next time it gets

59:39

out of control because that's just who I am What

59:41

am I never gonna smoke another cigar? Huh?

59:45

What am I never gonna go to Central America and do

59:47

a hit for the FBI like I've been doing for these

59:49

years now Imagine that I had

59:51

that whole other side of me You

59:54

know We're gonna have you

59:56

hide in plain sight as a stand-up comedian. I don't

59:58

think I want to do that. No Just

1:00:00

saying, we'll write you jokes. You

1:00:02

just go out like a man cheering candidate and you just

1:00:05

say the fucking jokes. Then once every

1:00:07

five to six years, we're going to call you up and there's

1:00:09

going to be another beautiful country in

1:00:11

South America that we're going to go down and

1:00:13

fuck with and try to take their natural resources.

1:00:17

Then when they push back, we'll claim that they're anti-American.

1:00:20

We'll figure it out, but we need you to go

1:00:23

down. There's a guy down there

1:00:25

that actually cares about his own people and we

1:00:27

would like you to go down there and eliminate

1:00:29

him because we can't

1:00:31

have that. Anyway,

1:00:33

all right, that's the

1:00:36

podcast everybody. Go

1:00:39

fuck yourselves and I will check in

1:00:41

on you in a couple of days.