Episode Transcript
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0:01
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's
0:03
time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday,
0:05
December, December. No,
0:07
May. How
0:10
the hell did I get December? May 6th, 2024. What's
0:17
going on? Oh, yeah. Oh, geez. I'm
0:21
recording this on May 5th, also known
0:23
as Cinco de Mayo out
0:26
here in California. I think at this point
0:28
it has gone national. I
0:30
never heard of Cinco de Mayo until I came out here, when I
0:32
first moved out here in the 90s. And
0:35
I clearly remember asking somebody, when is Cinco
0:38
de Mayo? So for other people
0:42
as white as me, it literally means the
0:44
5th of May. So
0:49
my lovely wife's like, we should take the kids
0:51
out for an early Mexican
0:53
cuisine dinner. It's like this
0:55
is literally the
0:58
Valentine's Day of
1:00
getting Mexican food. Why would we do this today?
1:06
I'm not standing behind 200 groups
1:08
of white people coming out to
1:10
get fucking tacos to act
1:12
like they give a shit about something they don't.
1:14
They just want the tacos. They taste good. I
1:18
can do it today. I can do it on the 6th. What
1:23
is that? Cuatro, tres,
1:25
cuatro, cinco, seis,
1:28
or siete. That's the best
1:30
sound of number. Ciete
1:33
de Mayo. That's when I go up. I'm
1:37
not going out Cinco de Mayo. But
1:40
I haven't said that. Happy
1:42
Cinco de Mayo to actual
1:44
Mexican people. Happy
1:47
standing in line day for my people and
1:49
all other groups of people. Anyway,
1:52
here we are. Here we are. Guess who
1:55
feels like he doesn't have a fucking piano
1:57
on his back anymore. This
1:59
guy. this guy,
2:03
Friday night, Tracet
2:05
de Mayo. I did,
2:07
I actually went fresh there,
2:09
Tracet de Mayo. I went
2:11
trac. I
2:13
can't speak any of them. I played the
2:16
Hollywood Bowl, all right,
2:18
with Nate Craig and
2:21
Dean Del Rey and then special guest
2:23
was John Lovitz. He
2:26
came out in the middle of my act and we shit on each other
2:28
for about a minute. I pretended I
2:30
was thirsty and he just came walking out, place
2:32
went fucking crazy because he's John Lovitz. And then
2:34
they also, the people that actually
2:36
saw that podcast where we
2:39
trashed each other, which I
2:41
had no idea people were going to like it
2:43
that much. It was one of the most popular
2:45
podcasts I've ever done, us just trashing each other.
2:48
But anyway, I'll take you through the
2:50
day. So Friday
2:53
comes along. And
2:55
that was such a big gig for me that I
2:57
was literally like paralyzed. Like I couldn't work out. I
2:59
didn't go play drums. I
3:01
couldn't go far around the neighborhood. Nothing. I was
3:04
just like laying in bed looking
3:07
at Nia going, ah, like, Mike,
3:10
I know it's going to be good, but
3:12
I just want to get over there and
3:15
do this. And then I had, you know, a zillion
3:18
people on the guest list because I've lived
3:20
out here for almost 20 years. I
3:22
mean, it was like, I felt like I
3:24
was getting married again. You
3:27
know what I mean? When you're making out like the guest
3:29
list and this person, they need to add one and this
3:31
person can't make it and who should sit with who? Where
3:33
do we put this? You know,
3:35
people last second hit
3:37
me up and just wanted to make sure that
3:39
everybody got in, um,
3:41
which happened thanks to club soda Kenny. Um,
3:46
and meanwhile I ordered, I
3:48
rented a classic Cadillac to
3:50
drive over there. I got a 1965 gold
3:55
on gold Cadillac Coupe de Ville convertible.
4:01
And when
4:03
I first got behind the wheel, I was like, I don't
4:05
know if I like this. It's
4:08
a little weird, you know, it's funny. Those cars
4:10
look huge and then you get inside of them.
4:12
They're nowhere near as big as the cars today.
4:14
Like a fucking SUV. Everybody
4:16
always like taught me and the car was
4:18
like fucking 90 feet long and weighed a
4:20
fucking ton. It's not like
4:23
a 65 Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Two
4:26
door is a paperweight compared
4:28
to something that a fucking soccer mom is driving down
4:30
the street in. Like,
4:33
like those Teslas weigh like fucking 10,000 pounds,
4:35
you know, not that much, but you know what
4:38
I mean. So
4:41
I drove it like half a block. I
4:44
was like, you know, I don't know if I like this and half
4:46
a block later, I was like, oh, I can get into this and
4:49
add the armrest down. And
4:51
I was leaning and I was like,
4:53
this is fucking amazing. And
4:57
I don't know what it had and I know it had a V8,
5:01
but the ignition was right in the center
5:03
of the dashboard and
5:06
you left
5:09
it at 12 o'clock. If you went to the
5:11
auxiliary, you could wear down the
5:13
battery, which I did the night after the bowl, you know,
5:15
cause I got out, it was dark out and I'm just
5:17
used to turning it
5:19
all the way to the left.
5:21
And I came out the next day to
5:23
take everyone, all the family out to breakfast.
5:25
I had a dead battery, but I called
5:28
AAA. We were fine. But anyway, so finally
5:31
it's the moment of truth. I'm
5:34
going over there. I
5:37
get in the car to do sound check at
5:40
like four in the afternoon. And then there's no point
5:43
of me driving all the way, all the way, all
5:46
the way fucking home time. I got home. I, you
5:48
know, fucking hour drive. I got to come
5:50
right back. So I, I
5:54
drive over there and I'm
5:57
feeling pretty good, but a muscle. It's just like, I just
5:59
want to get on. fucking stage, you know? So
6:02
I pull in, of
6:05
course I go in the wrong way, then I
6:08
gotta get out and then I pull in. Everybody's
6:10
loving the car and
6:14
I get out and I'm like, all right, here we go.
6:17
Fucking Hollywood Bull. And
6:19
I meet Club Soda Kenny
6:22
there, everybody else, and
6:24
literally just dropped my stuff and walked right
6:26
out. I took video of
6:28
it, I posted it on Instagram of just
6:30
walking out and seeing the Hollywood Bull empty
6:33
from the stage and
6:36
like just this, I don't
6:38
know, I can't even explain it. It was just incredible,
6:42
iconic, adrenaline Russian.
6:44
And I knew in that moment, I'm like, I'm gonna
6:46
fucking murder tonight. Not gonna have a good
6:49
set, I'm going to fucking murder.
6:52
You know, I'd gone out to the comedy
6:54
store Wednesday night and Thursday night, I did
6:56
two sets and I did different parts of
6:58
my acts and everything was all stretched,
7:01
you know? No tight hammies
7:03
on any of the jokes. I knew what the fuck
7:05
I was gonna do for the most part. I had
7:07
a new joke that I'd been opening with and I
7:09
was like, fuck this, I'm opening at the bull with
7:11
it because then it'll just make me feel like I'm
7:13
doing a spot. So
7:17
we do sound check, they got a little coffee machine
7:20
there. So I have a, what do
7:22
I have? I had a latte,
7:24
I think. And then Dean
7:26
got some sort of green thing that Maka drink that
7:28
had a espresso shot. I
7:31
was like, you know, I might get one of
7:33
those later, right? So, you know, everybody's coming in
7:35
and blah, blah, blah, blah, and
7:37
I'm just sitting there, sitting there, sitting there, I got a ton
7:39
of people in the green room. Some people like to be alone.
7:41
I like to just have everybody in the green room talking, shooting
7:44
the shit, busting balls, love it shows up and
7:47
all we do is just sit down and just, all it shows
7:49
up and all we do is just trash each other, having
7:52
a great time and yeah, and
7:58
then the frigging show. starts, Nate
8:01
goes out to open, absolutely
8:04
kills, he brings out
8:06
Dean, Dean crushes, and
8:10
then I go
8:12
out there. Oh, I forgot to tell you, you
8:14
know, a long time ago, Richard Pryor played there
8:16
on one of
8:18
the first gay
8:20
pride days. And
8:23
he went out there and he opened with, he
8:26
opened, his opening line was, you know, I
8:28
sucked a dick once and the place went
8:30
nuts. I was really talking about
8:32
he got molested by this guy. But
8:36
they didn't know that, right? So he does
8:38
that, but he immediately gets the
8:40
gay crowd totally on his side. And
8:44
he just was setting them up to
8:47
basically say, why should I give a fuck about
8:49
you guys? Where the hell were you when Watts
8:51
was burning? You
8:55
know, when they were having all the, all
8:59
the riots after Martin Luther King was assassinated,
9:02
civil rights, all of that type of stuff. Where
9:04
the fuck were you guys? You guys are in,
9:06
in, in West Hollywood, not doing shit for me.
9:08
Why the fuck should I give a fuck about
9:10
you? 90%
9:12
of them didn't get it, started booing him and he didn't
9:14
give a fuck. Tells
9:16
not to go fuck themselves. And
9:19
they'll, and then he left. And I was thinking like,
9:21
you know, as
9:23
much as he was Richard Pryor, there was still,
9:27
you know, that venue at that point was
9:29
already 50 years old and all these amazing
9:31
people had played there and
9:33
he still had the balls to do that.
9:35
So I was thinking like, I can open
9:40
with a new joke, right? So
9:44
I went out there and the energy
9:48
was insane. And
9:50
the feeling of being on that stage
9:53
was just indescribable. It
9:55
landed somewhere. It was
9:57
like a hybrid between doing red rocks and.
10:00
doing the Acropolis in
10:02
Athens, where both are like
10:04
sort of these amphitheater things. I mean,
10:07
nothing was quite like the Acropolis. The Acropolis
10:09
was like ridiculous. I felt like I
10:13
went in a time machine back a
10:15
couple thousand years with
10:18
everybody dressed like it is now. I mean, it was, that
10:21
was something else. And then Red Rocks has like
10:23
that psychedelic
10:26
vibe to it. So
10:28
this one had like golden
10:30
age Hollywood, but
10:34
also that outdoor thing because it was a lot of
10:36
like, you know, people
10:38
not in show business that were in the
10:41
crowd. So they would bring in that energy.
10:43
And I did
10:46
the opening joke. It's a pretty fucked up
10:49
one. And it
10:52
did well, but it was, it definitely
10:54
made people be like, Hey, you know,
10:56
what are we doing here? I felt
10:59
and, and I just laughed at the
11:01
end of it and I didn't give a, and I
11:03
just freed me up. And
11:06
yeah, I
11:08
just caught his own and I just fucking, I just,
11:14
it was, it couldn't, it just
11:16
could not have gone any better. And
11:18
then, you know, love it's the whole time he's backstage. You guys,
11:20
so when are you going to bring me out like 20, 30?
11:23
I was like, John, I don't know. Whenever
11:25
it feels like the right time, I'll bring you out. And
11:27
then I'm sitting there going in my head, but what if
11:29
I'm killing so fucking hard? I
11:32
don't want to bring them out. Blah, blah. And then I was thinking
11:34
like, no, this is like
11:36
a cool, really cool thing that all
11:38
old school entertainers used to do. And
11:40
as I've been telling you guys, I
11:42
watched that Steve Martin documentary and
11:44
he goes out with Martin Short and
11:46
they have such a good time together. And I recently
11:49
did Dave Chappelle's comedy
11:53
club and we were
11:56
on stage together after every one of
11:58
my sets. So
12:00
I was like, no, this is you kind
12:02
of being like, you know, Billy the loner,
12:04
isolated Bill, hurt as a child Bill, fuck
12:07
this shit, open yourself up, bring this guy
12:09
out. So I just felt, you
12:12
know, like the moment was right about like 20 minutes
12:14
in. And I was,
12:16
you know, the bit was, you know, this, this is kind of
12:18
room temperature. I'd love to have a cold water out here. I
12:20
don't know, be a diva. And all of a
12:22
sudden he just comes walking out and like people
12:25
down front, because they didn't have a spotlight arm could see
12:27
him. And they started going
12:29
nuts place what nuts and, you
12:32
know, we just trashed each other. And if
12:34
you saw the podcast, he walked
12:36
off stage as I was making fun of him. He
12:39
was singing that song, Bill Burr likes it in the butt.
12:45
You know what I love about that song is,
12:47
but is way funnier than ass. Like
12:51
as it kind of flows, it
12:54
sounds like there's lube involved, but there's something
12:56
about it. But it just seems like
12:58
it's, it's, it's a lot more violating and
13:00
way more insulting. So he
13:03
was singing that song, which he used to sing to
13:05
Bob Saget. I was giving
13:08
John shit about that. I see he just recycled all your Saget
13:10
material. Now that he's dead, now you're going to fucking put it
13:12
on me. You
13:14
know, and he's like, Oh, I
13:16
got some new ones. And then he did, he did have some
13:18
new ones. And I had
13:22
a camel toe or something. And
13:26
he was like, your turn doing that
13:28
stuff. And then he walked off and
13:31
it didn't disrupt the set at all. It
13:34
was just sort of this fun little thing
13:37
that, you
13:39
know, was way out of character for me to do. You
13:42
know, I, like I said, like I grew up
13:44
a fucking loner, you know, my
13:47
family was sort of not the most social family.
13:49
We lived on a busy street. Everyone around us
13:51
was sort of older or younger. They
13:54
Didn't have kids or they were like empty nesters.
13:56
So There was really nobody to vibe with for
13:58
a critical like eight years of my life. So.
14:01
Anyway, and then I just. You.
14:06
Know was doing the rest I forgot to mention been
14:08
brought me one of those. Caffeine.
14:11
That other that does the market things
14:13
with the green thing. What the fuck?
14:15
An espresso shot Had already had a
14:17
latte and when I went out there
14:19
for the first like ten minutes, I
14:21
was like lightheaded. And. I'm
14:24
like what's going on. We're not at
14:26
altitude, I'm not nervous or my fuckin'
14:28
freaking out somewhere and. I.
14:32
Just remembered a long time ago. So do the
14:34
Aspen Comedy Festival and that thing. You'd get out
14:36
of breath. So I just started doing slowing down
14:38
take a bigger breasts and it went away And
14:41
it wasn't till after my set I was thinking
14:43
like you know I drank coffee for like a
14:45
week. And. Then
14:47
I just had like three shots for whatever reason
14:49
on kind of an empty stomach as I didn't
14:51
feel like eating and I just think it made
14:54
my heart rate already go up and then I
14:56
was so fucking excited to be at the balls
14:58
that I was can I had a pace myself
15:00
I was with a one point don't like am
15:02
I going to be the first such an asshole
15:04
the same during his own set. But
15:08
the lovely near was there and
15:10
on. She.
15:12
Said you couldn't even notice so I said
15:14
are a good I mean I knew I
15:17
I know enough to just you know just
15:19
keep wrong with that. Nobody noticed since just
15:21
calm down. So I breed my way through
15:23
that shit and like a sense a on.
15:27
I. Went over my time a little bit.
15:29
I really didn't even wanna leave. It was
15:32
fucking incredible and I want to thank every
15:34
single person that came out. That
15:37
made that possible. Ah, thank
15:39
Netflix for you know, haven't
15:42
assessable and. It
15:45
was. It
15:47
was. It was just suck at officer then
15:49
I get off stage. And.
15:55
Everybody's. All smiles but they're always look
15:57
into promo. you like it's you, like it.
16:00
How many times you know perform a gets of
16:02
say to that was great school it's know it
16:04
wasn't I miss to tag eight minutes and and
16:06
like am too old to do that shit. I
16:08
mean. I don't give a fuck that
16:10
I was a little light had when I went out there
16:12
cause I drank three shots of fuck an espresso like an
16:14
idiot. I'm. I.
16:16
Didn't give a shit. I I. I.
16:20
Loved it and I love that even at
16:22
that little lightheaded thing happened, I was able
16:24
to get through it. I love that I
16:26
brought like know me and love it's did
16:28
that. Matt worked and I'm. I
16:31
did every fucking thing that I wanted to do
16:34
and did like an extra ten minutes just to.
16:37
Get as much out of it. Sounds like
16:39
you're gonna lay check out at a hotel
16:41
you know and on. Our
16:44
says grinning ear to ear and everyone was tell
16:46
me I did a great job within my wife
16:48
comes and and I saw the look on her
16:50
face in that you know and when she told
16:53
me I killed that's the big one you know
16:55
because as a thing they don't want to meet
16:57
people talk about that. The comedians wives like. Like.
17:00
When they come in with the when your wife
17:03
comes in a been out she senior rak the
17:05
bunch of fucking times when she comes in with
17:07
a big smile it's like i you know I
17:09
know I yeah I know I got that one
17:11
and then on. Jan.
17:13
And we just went over to the after party
17:16
was just all my friends and family and all
17:18
that type of stuff and we just hung out
17:20
and. You know
17:22
it's funny. Some he was saying the you've played all
17:24
these places you know. What's
17:27
next? Like what is there left to
17:29
do? And. I'm. Which.
17:33
I get why people say that it's like,
17:36
what, what's what's next? I'll say what's next
17:38
the next fucking kill. A chunk of material
17:40
that makes me excited that I could do
17:42
upstairs at The Belly Room. And
17:44
the comedy store and I would still feel like
17:46
and slogans when I'm going home might not like
17:49
whenever I start to feel a new chunk com
17:51
and I get like this: hide and seek Zach
17:53
same high I got the first time I ever
17:55
did stand up when I didn't even do well
17:57
Sourced to five minutes only did Three Eyed Bail.
18:00
The was a competition. I didn't come close
18:02
to winning it, but it was wasn't about
18:04
that was about having the balls to go
18:06
up there when they called you names. I'm
18:08
of a drive in home in my Eighty
18:10
three Ford Ranger. Listen, it's a Motley Crue
18:12
Kickstart my heart. It's. Said. I was
18:14
fuckin' singing a song scream and I had the
18:16
window up there that the window down and Spock
18:18
an awesome and Everest. It's just kind of been
18:20
that. Now or Michael
18:22
audio spent some has to is miss of ruff once
18:25
but like overall does kind of like when it's
18:27
been so. Ah, I'm.
18:30
Yeah, there you go Mammoths that
18:32
sauce. And
18:34
everybody else cracks. I can be a next special
18:36
on my cat scan. be my next special but.
18:39
I know better than two are. You.
18:43
Know. I
18:45
know what venues work. For.
18:47
Me. you know, mean, like I know, like and twisted
18:50
his there and I thought his was awesome when he
18:52
did his life when they're but it's also like he
18:54
did it. He did it. He just did one there.
18:56
So I kind of feel like that's crysis run a
18:58
little bit, you know? So. I'm
19:03
going to do my next wanna win dude in
19:05
Seattle which I think is gonna be a
19:07
fun vibe Brazil like yeah. That's.
19:10
A fun city cause you'd like in the
19:12
city they're super liberal and then you get
19:14
right outside at and and it becomes like
19:16
red Hat's really quickly which is what l
19:19
a like. You know it's like. In
19:22
a here and not like
19:24
Hollywood. Bunch. Of liberals you
19:26
go on the other side of the fucking hell,
19:28
right through the valley and you get out there
19:31
and then as like gun stores and just you
19:33
know regular shit so deceased and most of the
19:35
country so I'm I. that's like. You
19:38
know, the perfect crowd. I want
19:40
Liberals, conservatives, and a nice mix
19:42
of people. Hopefully
19:45
many courageous opens up he can
19:48
talk about anything car itself. There
19:50
we go, that's that's my Hollywood
19:52
Bowl experience. Now let's talk about
19:55
my sports experience. Since
19:58
I last talk to you though, the. Wins.
20:01
Last game six to Toronto and then
20:04
play. Had to go back home. With.
20:06
The series tied up. A
20:10
yet again back to back years being up
20:12
three to one. Are we gonna blow it
20:14
again? And.
20:19
Came home. He
20:21
say at the Td
20:23
Bank North garden. And.
20:27
Had a play a game seven against Toronto. And
20:31
ah, Fuck
20:34
and two periods, just nobody scoring.
20:36
And I gotta tell you something,
20:38
man like those like those announcers
20:40
were just low enough fuckin' goalies.
20:43
For the Maple Leafs, they go like oh you. Girls.
20:45
Liebig's to save like that that gives a
20:48
boost of is t that. The that
20:50
this guy assad have sex with your shot
20:52
it right into on we would sept shooting
20:54
at right into his stomach and they were
20:56
acting like you was a full split making
20:58
a glove save I'm. So.
21:03
Anyway, They. Score!
21:06
Finally! With.
21:08
It felt like an old ten.
21:10
twelve minutes left in the game
21:12
and our Cisco and like man
21:14
we're just flat as fuck and
21:16
hell we don't have any jump
21:19
this sadness down. And
21:21
then. I don't
21:23
know who the fuck it was someone who never schools it lin
21:25
home. I think it was when on. Who
21:28
had like three goals a whole year? Guess.
21:32
The park and just pauses collects
21:35
himself. Didn't rush it. And
21:38
just snipes one off the shoulder, off the
21:40
pipes, the post as a to call it
21:42
and to the net to tie it up
21:44
right after they scored. We will like holy
21:46
shit and I was just don't like oh
21:49
my god they're gonna fucking blow this again.
21:52
Toronto's gonna fucking blow it again or break their
21:54
hearts and of really blown it to just break
21:56
in their hearts. They could just fucking lose in
21:58
five games, you know? So. Um,
22:01
and then it goes into
22:03
overtime and it didn't last long and
22:05
Lynn Holm like that pass. He
22:08
wasn't thrown into space. That was a pass. He
22:10
couldn't put it on pasta stick because it was
22:12
a defenseman there. Threw it
22:14
in front of him, came right off, ping pong off
22:16
right onto his stick. And
22:20
pasta was like forehand backhand in
22:23
the back of the neck. And just once
22:25
again, um, I, I gotta tell you, uh,
22:29
I don't know what to say to Leaf fans and
22:32
even that organization, like they're like, they're sitting
22:34
there trying to solve the problem. It's like
22:36
they've done every fucking move you could make
22:39
for as long as I can remember. Like what do they
22:42
do now? Like they must be like nose blind, ship
22:45
everybody out, bring a bunch of new people in,
22:47
did that, fire a coach, get a new one.
22:49
They've done that, get a new fucking GM. They've
22:51
done that. What, what, what
22:54
do you do break, you know, the core fours, the
22:56
time to break them up. I don't know what happens
23:00
to them in the playoffs. I
23:02
don't understand it. And I hate that it happens
23:04
to them every year, even though they fucking hate
23:07
the Bruins and they're always, they're always fucking shitting
23:09
on us. Like it's our fault that you guys
23:11
lose. It isn't, we don't
23:13
rub it in your face. We hate the Canadians, you
23:16
know? So my thing is
23:18
like, I hate that the Leafs
23:21
keep losing because the
23:23
Leafs losing is all habs fans have
23:26
now. So I want
23:28
the Maple Leafs to win a cup more than anything,
23:31
bring a cup back to Canada and,
23:33
you know, and let the
23:35
Canadians be sitting in a long drought, you know, which
23:38
they already are. 31
23:40
years. So, um,
23:42
I don't
23:44
know, this year wasn't, didn't seem from the reactions
23:46
that I saw from Maple Leaf fans. They're just
23:48
like numb to it. They're just like, I
23:51
mean, every fucking year, you know, if you're a real leaf fan,
23:53
you knew they were going to figure out a way to not
23:55
win that game seven and ba ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and
23:57
all this shit. And
23:59
the usual stuff. that happens when you lose, then
24:01
you start thrashing all your stars and all of that.
24:05
And I don't know. But I
24:07
can't, I can't, you know, some, I
24:09
heard them on the
24:12
broadcast was saying that the least won a first
24:14
round against Tampa a few years ago. But when
24:16
I go on the internet, it says that they
24:18
haven't won a playoff series since 2004. So I
24:20
don't know what it is. So the
24:23
very least they've only won one playoff series in the last
24:25
20 years. I don't know. You
24:30
know, I don't know. I
24:32
don't know. So I'm not even gloating as a Bruins fan.
24:34
I just said, they're going like I can't fucking believe we
24:38
beat them again in a fucking game. So we beat them three game
24:40
sevens in the life. I don't even, how many, I think in 18,
24:42
19 and now, is that
24:44
what it is?
24:47
Last year we lost to Florida. I don't know. I got
24:49
kids now. I can't keep any of the years in, but,
24:52
um, maybe
24:54
we fans, I don't just stop hating on the
24:56
Bruins. All right. It's not, we don't hate you
24:58
guys. We hate the Canadians just like you, you
25:01
know, we'd love to see, we, obviously we want our team to
25:04
win, but we don't win. We'd love to
25:06
see you win one. Okay.
25:08
Just make sure your hatred is focused in
25:10
the right direction because I
25:14
got like texts from three different Habs fans that were like,
25:16
thank you so much for beating the
25:18
maple Leafs. I don't know.
25:21
I guess it's English speaking, Canada versus
25:23
phony French, Canada. It's like,
25:25
you're not French. You're
25:27
Canadian. Nobody
25:30
in France gives a fuck about you. They don't,
25:32
they don't consider you. They think you, they,
25:34
they probably hate your French more than mine.
25:38
Um, and I'm terrible at it. All
25:40
right. And with that, we're
25:42
on to the reads here for this week. Um,
25:47
where am I going here? Oh, by
25:49
the way, I got a great run of
25:51
dates coming up. I got a Columbus, Ohio,
25:53
Nashville, Tennessee, who unfortunately got knocked
25:55
out by the Vancouver Canucks, but I'm happy
25:58
for the Canucks. You know, I'd love to see. Canadian
26:00
team win it, you know, and
26:05
they were like the number they won the President's Trophy did they?
26:07
They had a great year. I do know that. And
26:10
then I'm working, I think
26:13
Winston-Salem, North
26:15
Carolina. North Carolina is always a fucking fun state
26:17
to drive through. There's always some
26:19
cool restaurant here they had to check
26:22
out some mom-and-pop classic cars or whatever.
26:24
It's great. So anywho,
26:26
oh so the day after, the
26:28
day after I go to the Bowl, you
26:31
know, I kept that caddy for an extra day and
26:34
my wife had a
26:37
shoot that she had to go do.
26:39
So she wasn't around on Saturday and
26:43
I called up Dean Delray and
26:45
Joe Bartnick and
26:47
we just took a nice fucking long ride with the
26:49
top down and it was just, it was fucking, I
26:51
can't even tell you man, like
26:54
those old Cadillacs with the, I was, I've
26:56
never been a convertible guy. Like I don't
26:58
like that, like a convertible on a small
27:00
car is just, to me it's just like
27:02
a Hollywood starlet. It's like a chick car,
27:04
right? Those big ones, I mean
27:06
you just start feeling like Nick
27:09
Nolte in 48 hours, you know, where all
27:11
the windows should be down except for
27:13
that one triangle window in the back. That
27:16
sky blue Cadillac that he had. I'm
27:20
a ragtop man. Hammon.
27:26
Yeah, we cruised over to this
27:29
great coffee spot over
27:33
East LA, you know, we just, just
27:36
had a fucking great time and
27:38
we were stuck in traffic and we just didn't give
27:40
a shit. We were just
27:42
laughing, talking comedy and music
27:45
and all of that shit and
27:49
just cruised around. It was really
27:51
just a perfect, like
27:53
the next day. I will tell you this, like
27:55
the day after for all you younger comics out
27:57
there, I don't know how it works for you.
28:00
But for me, the day after a huge
28:02
gig is as
28:04
fun as the
28:06
huge gig is. The
28:11
rush of doing the huge gig, I feel like
28:13
the next day when you just feel like that
28:15
piano has been lifted off your chest of
28:19
like, whatever you
28:21
do, don't fuck this one up. Just
28:26
waking up the next day, I've
28:29
had that feeling so many fucking times. I
28:32
remember the
28:35
morning after hosting
28:38
SNL and
28:40
it went great, it couldn't have gone any
28:42
better. I remember waking up the next day
28:44
and I hear sometimes performers have like hangovers
28:47
like, like brides
28:49
have that. The focus is all on them
28:51
and then the next day they just wake
28:53
up their first day of being married and
28:56
their time as a princess is over and
28:58
they're like bummed out. I remember
29:00
Neil was like bummed out like, I don't
29:03
know, it was like nothing to plan, there's no excitement
29:05
or whatever. I was like, what are you talking about?
29:07
We got the rest of our lives. You fucking gave
29:09
a little halftime speech, little Lake Pass
29:12
placid speech. So
29:15
I don't have that. The day after a
29:17
big gig, I
29:20
feel like I'm on vacation. You
29:27
just get so hyper focused on it and then
29:29
once it goes away, then it's like the whole
29:31
universe just opens back up. I
29:33
think I'm going to ride around on an old Cadillac and go get
29:35
a cup of coffee with some friends of mine. I
29:38
don't have a gig tonight, I don't
29:41
have anything. So anyway, and today I
29:44
spent the whole day with
29:46
my kids just
29:49
having like the best time. Oh my God,
29:51
they're so funny. They're just so goddamn funny.
29:54
And they're really starting to get older. So now
29:56
they're like messing with each other. They're really passive
29:59
aggressive. towards each other, you
30:01
know? Like you know that guy in your hockey
30:03
team whose job is to get under the skin of the
30:06
other team? Just doing little tiki-tac shit when the ref's
30:08
not looking, the ref's the parents, and this is what
30:10
they do to each other. And then you turn around,
30:12
like what is going on with you two? He
30:15
pushed me, he's copying me. All of
30:17
that stuff, hilarious. So
30:19
anyway, let me do the reads here for this week. Couple
30:23
of quick little reads, little advertisements
30:25
here. What do I got? Oh,
30:29
for God's sakes. You know, at some
30:31
point, I'm really gonna, I
30:33
always say this every week at some point. No, no, no, no,
30:35
no. I had it. I
30:37
had it and I just made the window go away. Is
30:41
this it? If this is
30:43
it, mm-hmm, please let me
30:46
know. No,
30:48
these are all the reads. Oh,
30:50
here we go. Here are the reads.
30:53
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Terms and conditions apply. For
33:49
all those goddamn terms and
33:51
conditions. Terms of endearment. And
33:54
the Oscar goes to. Of
33:56
the guy ever saw that one. So
34:00
anyway, How's.
34:02
It going to say. Yes, so
34:04
that's what people were are asking me. the was can
34:07
be. Now that you've played this place, you play dad
34:09
and all his stuff. What is left to do? You
34:11
know what is left to do for me to have
34:13
a killer stain of special. What's left for me to
34:16
do is going to Columbus, Ohio, Nashville, Tennessee, Winston Salem,
34:18
North Carolina and give those people their money's worth. That's
34:20
what this. that's what's left of know. I
34:23
just keep doing that would? what else am I gonna
34:25
do? Stop doing this. Sit.
34:27
On my back porch and stare out into the woods.
34:29
Me: I love doing that. but you know, I'll.
34:32
Said gigs coming up so I enjoy it.
34:34
but if I had no gigs coming up
34:36
I would just stare out into the woods
34:38
and tell him what fucking nuts and I'm
34:41
are you know I'm crazy enough, I need
34:43
to have stuff to do or it's let's
34:45
read Euro questions to Louis Comedy Store and
34:47
Hollywood Bowl. Hey Bill I'm a big fan
34:49
and I'm out here in L A for
34:51
a couple of months. Working from Australia and
34:54
was at the Comedy store for your main
34:56
room drop in on Wednesday. Ah, nightstand. I
34:58
had tickets to. To.
35:00
The Hollywood Bowl Just wanted to say
35:02
thanks for a couple of unforgettable nights.
35:04
It was so cool seeing how the
35:06
jokes from the Comedy Store had developed
35:08
and refined over those shoes short days
35:10
and then woven into the longer format
35:13
show. I'd never been to the Hollywood
35:15
Bowl before, despite having seen many live
35:17
performances at almost every other venue over
35:19
the years in this city and I
35:21
couldn't have asked for a better debut
35:23
at that at the venue. Why me?
35:25
That must be extra Second mean if
35:27
you're in Australia. You.
35:29
Know you going to see a show at.
35:32
The. Hollywood Bowl would be like me
35:34
going to like Royal Albert Hall
35:36
or Raw. What's with some what?
35:38
you know what? The. What's.
35:42
That one in Sydney. Sydney.
35:45
Was it not the opera house to Sydney?
35:50
The fuck I did a gig. Their. The.
35:52
One that as a sick all the shells come on
35:55
up. God.
35:57
damn it i had my fuckin memory is
35:59
just going That was a huge deal
36:01
for me performing
36:03
at that one because
36:06
that's also the one where Frank Sinatra went
36:08
on. And he called
36:10
that critic a
36:12
$2 whore. Did
36:14
you ever read that story? $3
36:17
whore or something? And
36:19
there was all these feminists in the crowd and they
36:21
didn't like it. I
36:23
mean, it didn't get the biggest laugh. There's actually audio
36:28
of it and they made such
36:30
a stink about it that they said they weren't going to
36:32
let them leave the country. The
36:34
prime minister wasn't going to let them leave the country
36:36
unless he issued a formal
36:39
apology to the reporter. So
36:42
Frank gets word of that and
36:45
he pours himself a drink. He's up in
36:47
this penthouse suite in Sydney, Australia. And
36:51
he says to his lawyers, he pours a drink. He
36:53
goes, well, I'm not apologizing. So now what? And there
36:55
was this giant fucking stand up. I
36:58
can't believe they haven't made a movie about
37:00
that or fucking done
37:03
some animated short. You know, maybe those
37:05
might judge things, the tales from the
37:07
road, all the musicians. That would have
37:09
been a great one. That
37:12
would have been a great one. I didn't
37:14
see every episode of that. They might have done
37:16
that one. So anyway, that's so cool that you
37:18
came here to
37:22
America and you got to see a show at the
37:24
Hollywood Bowl. I'm humbled that it was me. I mean,
37:27
fucking Jim Morrison, one of the great concert films of
37:29
all time with The Doors has been on that stage.
37:31
Frank Sinatra. When you go back there
37:33
and you see pictures of Jimi Hendrix on the stage and
37:36
everything, that's maybe that'd be another reason why I
37:38
felt a little lightheaded when I went out there. That was a
37:41
lot. This guy says, thank
37:43
you very much for a magical night last
37:45
night. Again, you fucking killed it, man. Thank
37:48
you. And you know what? I did kill
37:50
it. And I accept
37:52
that fucking compliment. This is the new me. And
37:56
I Go. oh, you know, the lighting
37:58
and the sound or whatever. Yeah, that
38:01
was all great. and so was I
38:03
arise. i'm a gopher said his arm
38:05
or I saw no cash bail. Bill
38:10
you mention no cash bail in New
38:12
York? Literally No one I know. Is.
38:15
For this. Yeah,
38:17
I don't understand how that came about. By.
38:23
Everybody says the liberals did. that was that
38:25
in the reaction to those Rico laws or
38:27
whatever. They. Put those
38:30
those fuckin. Girlfriends
38:32
of drug dealers because they had nobody to
38:34
flip on and I went to jail for
38:36
us alive so the over correct the other
38:38
way and the with psychos go out and
38:40
kill cops and all as horrible shit that's
38:42
been happening. To. As
38:45
as as detect does it seem like anybody's
38:47
holding the steering wheel of the country country
38:49
right now. That's
38:51
why I'm night. I can't talk about this
38:53
fucking election. It's just like to elections in
38:55
the row three elections and or up. Has
39:00
been are fucking idiot is better than you
39:02
are fucking idiot. You.
39:04
Know. Like.
39:07
John Mccain. first Barackobama
39:09
that was like to
39:12
competence fuckin individuals. I
39:16
will say bush and gore was a bad one. Clinton
39:23
verse Bob Dole was a good one. Clinton
39:25
versa. George Herbert Walker was
39:28
a good one. George
39:31
against Mike Dukakis before he stuck his head
39:33
out the tent tanks. That was a good
39:35
one. Like this, there's been like. Walter.
39:39
Mondale against Reagan. They've.
39:41
Always been like good matchups, you
39:43
know? Ah, Reagan. Carter was a
39:45
good one. I. Mean and
39:47
have any way that Reagan was going
39:50
to let corporations run wild and was
39:52
kind of his fucking. you know. bad
39:55
i guess that he listens to them but he also
39:57
fuckin outspent the russians and help and the cold war so
40:00
you got to give them a thumbs up on that,
40:03
you know, deregulating all of these fucking corporations
40:05
so they can now do whatever the fuck
40:07
they want. And I just love how they're
40:09
fucking this whole country up and like this
40:11
giant segment of the
40:13
white population that is still
40:15
blaming minorities, literally minorities. They're
40:19
minorities. How are they running shit? They're
40:21
not making any policy. They didn't poison our food
40:24
supply. They didn't pour it as poison and water
40:26
supply. They
40:28
don't make decisions to get us involved in
40:30
wars. I mean, I don't understand that. Well,
40:32
you know what's ruining this country? Fucking illegal
40:34
immigration. Is that why? Is that
40:37
what's ruining it? That's
40:39
what's ruining it. I literally saw this fucking video of
40:41
this guy. He bought like
40:43
this classic Porsche Spyder from the
40:45
1950s and he had rented
40:47
a crane to have it brought
40:50
in to just sit in the living room
40:52
of his penthouse apartment. And you know he's going
40:54
to be in one of these big stupid magazines
40:57
talking about how the car's the work of
40:59
art. I can just look at it and
41:01
enjoy it. And that's one of those people
41:03
that makes they get their bonuses by laying
41:05
off people and putting people out in the
41:07
street. And then people drive down
41:09
the street and they see people living under
41:11
bridges and they who do they blame? They blame
41:14
whoever the standing president is. And it's like that's
41:16
not what it is. For one person to be
41:18
taking that much meat off the bone, somebody's not
41:20
going to be able to eat. Next
41:22
thing you know, you're going to be outside. And
41:24
these fucking people cash those bonus checks and sleep
41:26
like fucking babies next
41:28
to a Porsche that they have sitting in their
41:31
fucking bedroom. Anyway,
41:33
I'm off my fucking that's
41:36
just not my version of it.
41:38
So anyway, I
41:40
don't understand. No
41:42
bail is just fucking Wild West. I
41:45
don't know why they're doing that. Anyway,
41:47
the attorney general can't even justify it.
41:50
And my cycle left family thinks it's
41:52
insane. Yeah.
41:55
So once again, we've politicized it. It's like
41:57
who wants criminals running the streets? They don't.
42:00
You're acting like all liberals who are like, yes,
42:02
this is what we should do, rather than one
42:04
idiot. It's like, when
42:06
I look at Trump, I don't look at him
42:08
like he represents the Republican Party. You
42:12
know, Republican Party, you know, has
42:14
plenty of fucking level-headed conservative people.
42:17
I don't know why they keep
42:19
choosing that guy any more than I
42:21
understand why blue ties keep choosing a
42:23
guy that clearly has cognitive fucking issues.
42:27
Anyway, literally no one I know, blah, blah,
42:29
blah, blah. The attorney, Junker Cycle Left, even
42:33
my Cycle Left family thinks it's
42:35
insane and they're the type of
42:38
people who have absolutely bullshit beliefs
42:40
like if the government wanted 75% of
42:43
our paychecks, it's for a
42:45
good reason. Yeah,
42:47
the reason is we regular
42:50
people would be paying the tab
42:54
that the fucking super rich chewed and screwed
42:56
on. The ones that
42:58
got us into this 20 year fucking war
43:01
and they lined their pockets with it and
43:03
bankrupted this fucking country. And
43:06
what do we do? We blame people who just
43:08
came across the border. Yeah, that's why we're fucking
43:10
bankrupt. All
43:12
right. Fucking Uncle Terry,
43:15
when is he going to learn? Yeah,
43:18
you know what it is? That they're like, people
43:20
who think that way and just stick
43:22
to party lines like that, they're like
43:24
those diehard fans
43:28
of a band and it
43:30
bands 40 years into their career and they put
43:32
out a garbage album. I'm not saying you can't
43:34
put out a killer album. But
43:39
if, and they just, no matter what the album is,
43:41
I like it. There's a lot of good tracks on
43:43
that. It's like, dude, come on, what
43:45
are they doing? The guy can't sing anymore. What the
43:48
fuck's going on? And they just can't see it. People
43:50
get that way with political parties, which I don't understand.
43:53
It doesn't help anybody. Anyway,
43:55
you wouldn't pass a law like this unless
43:58
you were trying to keep dangerous people on
44:00
the street to cause turmoil
44:02
and chaos, probably in order to
44:04
roll out crazy laws. Yeah,
44:08
you know, I would love to argue against that, but
44:10
who in their right fucking mind would
44:14
have a no bail system? The
44:17
term is controlled demolition of society. Think about
44:19
it. I don't understand why do these people
44:22
want to ruin this country? It's such a
44:24
great country, and
44:26
you could be a complete nobody and
44:28
you can make it in this country. Why do
44:32
a select group of a few people
44:34
want to end this for everybody? It's
44:36
just fucking greed. You
44:40
know, and God knows CNN and Fox News are not
44:43
going to call out these corporations because they get paid
44:45
by them. So it's
44:47
up to you as an individual to
44:49
stop blaming political parties and individuals and
44:51
races of people, you
44:53
know, who get
44:55
fucking intimidated. They can't even fucking vote.
44:59
They're not swinging elections. You got to fucking look at
45:01
the handful of people that are doing this. Then I
45:03
don't know what to do after that. Once you identify
45:06
him, like
45:09
the second person from Boeing magic, that
45:12
whistleblower from Boeing magically died and is
45:14
barely even a fucking story. But
45:17
I can tell you this. If somebody retaliated, all
45:20
right, if a
45:23
worker from Boeing retaliated,
45:25
okay, and anonymously killed someone
45:27
on the high higher up board
45:29
of Boeing, the
45:31
people that made this decisions to cut costs allegedly
45:33
and all of that, that would be a fucking
45:36
story on Fox News and on
45:39
CNN. And it would be called an act of
45:41
terrorism. We have to find this guy and they
45:43
would find them. That's where I am.
45:45
That's how jaded I am. Anyway,
45:49
think about it. I've never controlled demolition
45:51
of society. Think about it. I've never
45:53
heard anyone talk about civil war in
45:55
this country. And now the news just
45:58
keeps putting that in people's heads. It's
46:00
the you are what you eat of
46:02
news propaganda. Here's an example of
46:05
what's happening. New York City judge
46:07
retires to Florida just days after
46:10
freeing a man who sucker punched
46:13
a 57 year old woman in the jaw. Brooklyn
46:16
Supreme Court Justice Matthew
46:19
Syria, I
46:23
can't even say that name. No
46:26
SCI ARR. I know retired and
46:28
is moving to Florida after a
46:31
bizarre ruling. France. Judy
46:33
was freed by Siri.
46:36
I know last week
46:39
even after prosecutors upgraded the assault charged
46:41
to a felony. The Brooklyn DA's offer
46:43
requested $25,000 cash bail or $55 $50,000
46:45
bond. But
46:49
Syria turned down the request victim.
46:54
Dolce Pichardo's jaw was
46:56
completely shattered from the attack back in
46:58
March. Her jaw was wired shut and
47:00
she lost some of her teeth. Thanks
47:03
and love to the family. All right. Okay.
47:06
Just so everybody doesn't fucking put
47:08
their head between their fucking knees here. There's a lot
47:10
of great stuff happening in this country and there's a
47:12
lot of great people. Okay. And
47:15
we got to stop doing this Hatfield McCoy
47:17
thing. All right. We need to help each
47:19
other out. If
47:22
you see a homeless person and they don't look like
47:24
they're using, help them out, get them a cup of
47:26
coffee. It's going to be on us because these people
47:29
at the top are not human beings. They
47:32
are fucking sociopaths. And
47:38
I don't know. I don't know how you
47:40
combat the fucking propaganda of CNN, Fox News.
47:42
It's fucking insane. I mean, those are literally
47:44
like almost like they should be on like
47:46
the 700 Club network. They're
47:48
like religions for some people. Incel
47:51
woman. Incel woman.
47:54
All right. Okay. Here's a
47:56
new one. All right. I
48:00
had no idea. All right. Let's see here. Where
48:03
the hell did it go? Okay. Dear Billy,
48:06
misunderstood balls. What's
48:11
the term for a woman who hates men
48:13
because they can't get one or always
48:15
picks the wrong ones so
48:18
they think we're all losers and assholes.
48:24
Oh, I forget. Well, if you're a guy and
48:26
you do that, you're a misogynist, misanthropist
48:30
or something, I think
48:32
that's hatred of humanity. There
48:34
is a name. If there's a
48:36
name for a slob of a man who
48:38
doesn't take care of himself and hates women,
48:42
then what is the name for a woman's version? There is
48:44
a name for it. I always have to look it up
48:46
because they never say it. Just
48:50
wondering, but it seems like no one is
48:52
addressing women who bring nothing to the table
48:54
and expect a man to be everything they
48:56
wanted. Tall, dark, handsome and
48:59
rich. I'm five
49:01
seven, good shape and a slightly
49:03
less striking looking version of John
49:05
Stamos. Well, you should
49:07
be fucking crushing it. Even
49:10
the runoff from John Stamos' life
49:12
should be enough to get you in the hall
49:15
of fame. I've had girls
49:19
ogle at me on dating
49:21
apps and then when we see eye
49:23
to eye, literally speaking, they seem put
49:25
off. Also, I make
49:27
good money but only live in a
49:29
one bedroom apartment. That's good, man. Don't
49:31
fucking blow all your cash.
49:34
I dated a girl who was basically
49:36
interviewing me for a few weeks while
49:38
we hung out. Every question was loaded.
49:40
And even though she seemed to like me,
49:42
she had this devil on her shoulder telling
49:44
her she could do better. Well,
49:47
listen, buddy, you dodged a fucking bullet. It's
49:50
been four years and she's still single and
49:52
continuing to interview every guy in the city
49:54
with no luck. Her
49:57
superficial ways have left her posting.
50:00
on Instagram stories that every guy is a
50:02
fuck boy and there are no good men
50:04
out there. All right.
50:06
Well, why are you taking on whatever the
50:08
fuck she's carrying? I used to trash women
50:10
all the time. I
50:12
used to and I still do too. Mitch Hedberg.
50:16
No, I don't. I've really gotten away from
50:18
that. And my shit was
50:21
I couldn't figure out how to
50:23
make a relationship work. So I
50:25
did all of this shit, trash and marriage, and why
50:27
the fuck would you ever do that? And the reality
50:29
was, is I wanted to be married. I want to
50:32
be married and have a big family is what I
50:34
really wanted. I just didn't know how to do it.
50:36
And I was frustrated and I didn't realize that I
50:38
was the problem. So what did I do? I blamed
50:41
innocent people, you know, sound familiar
50:43
happens all the fucking time. So that's
50:45
what she's doing. So I wouldn't take
50:47
anything, you
50:49
know, anything
50:52
that she's doing personally,
50:54
I'll tell you what's great for
50:56
your psyche is to have empathy for and
51:00
hope or pray that she comes out of
51:02
this so she can find
51:04
the person she's supposed to be with. But
51:08
other than that, you know, if there's some work woman
51:10
walking around saying all all guys and fucking
51:13
assholes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, each
51:16
is all right. I mean, I mean, that's what
51:18
you think. Okay. So
51:22
the person says, can't wait to see you perform live again.
51:24
All right. You know what? I'm going to, I'm going to
51:26
find the word right now. I got to turn
51:29
this thing off of airplane mode. The
51:32
risk of somebody calling me then I got to fucking edit
51:34
this thing. Let's see here. What
51:42
is the name for
51:47
a woman? I've
51:50
looked this up a bunch of times in the podcast that
51:54
hates men.
52:01
It is... Oh, a Missandrist.
52:05
M-I-S-A-N-D-R-I-S-T.
52:09
So, misogynist is a guy that
52:11
hates women. Misogynist
52:14
is a woman that hates men. And
52:17
then if you're a mis... a misanthrope,
52:19
I think is what it's called, you just hate
52:21
all of humanity. And
52:26
I don't know what, the gay community has to fucking
52:28
weigh in to let me know if you're a lesbian
52:30
and you hate other lesbians. Then
52:33
you're just probably some sort of self-hating gay
52:35
person or something. I don't know. Anyway,
52:38
yeah, I wouldn't take any of that shit on. Something
52:43
probably happened to her when she was
52:45
younger and, you know,
52:47
she's probably afraid to get into a relationship, which
52:49
is why she just kept interviewing you. Every question
52:51
was loaded and she wanted you to trip
52:54
up so she could... there's the reason, there it
52:56
is, and she could get out of it. Or
52:59
she used to love men and then she just
53:01
dated such a fucking asshole, she's afraid to get
53:03
into something else. But guess what? You can guess
53:05
all day until she says what it really is,
53:07
you're never going to know. And until then, she's
53:10
going to be on Instagram blaming
53:12
all men, which
53:14
is a bad place
53:17
to be. And I was
53:19
there at one point in my life on the other side of
53:21
the table. So I hope she comes out of it and I
53:23
hope you go find somebody that loves you. All
53:25
right. Stupid new phrases.
53:29
Bill, I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years old
53:32
and I hate everything about pop culture... Oh, wait, let
53:34
me put this fucking thing back into
53:36
airplane mode so I don't have to edit
53:39
this thing together. All
53:41
right. I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years
53:43
old and I
53:46
hate everything about pop culture, social
53:48
media, etc. It started with the
53:50
when you jokes.
53:52
Like when your
53:54
Uber driver smells, then insert dumb
53:57
picture. Oh, yeah, that's sort
53:59
of like the mad They used to have like, not
54:02
really, more like hacky standup jokes. Like
54:05
people start speaking in social media speak.
54:10
Tell me you're a garbage collector without telling
54:12
me you're a garbage collector. You can just
54:14
insert any fucking job. Tell
54:16
me you still live in the home without telling me
54:18
and it just becomes like this, you know, yeah, like
54:21
a mad lib. Like the joke's already written, you just
54:23
got to put the subject in there and then all
54:25
of a sudden you're funny. So
54:29
he says, the new ones I hate the
54:31
most is he understood the assignment. Yeah.
54:35
He stood on business ideas,
54:38
a million of those fucking things.
54:40
He wanted that smoke, but
54:43
there are some fucking great ones though. People are
54:45
fucking like that. I get blown away by some
54:47
of the jokes. People write. Um,
54:50
there was a band one time they were all
54:52
obese and Pete, you know, there was unknown ban
54:54
and in the comment section, people were fucking coming
54:57
up with names for the band. And
55:00
the only one I can remember, they were all fucking
55:02
hilarious. The one that I really remembered was one of
55:04
them called Jimmy eight world. I
55:07
was just like, Oh my God, Judas
55:10
feast. They were just
55:12
fucking hilarious. They were like, really? They've
55:14
liked literally like these people
55:16
could write for a late night monologue
55:19
fucking killer jokes. And my hats off to a,
55:21
there's a lot of regular people out there that
55:24
have come up with some fucking incredible jokes.
55:26
I mean, there was a recently I saw
55:29
when this guy had this giant head and
55:31
somebody wrote this, this guy dreams and I
55:33
max. Um,
55:39
all right. Stupid
55:41
new phrases. Bill, I'll get right to it. I already said, okay,
55:44
blah, blah, blah. Okay. The new
55:46
ones I hate. He understood the assignment. It's worse when they don't
55:48
even do it right. Her girl, I
55:50
know posted this while holding a bottle
55:52
of Rose with no contest. The
55:55
assignment was to buy a bottle of wine. What
55:58
are you even saying? Sweetheart? want to
56:00
join in and you don't know how yet they
56:02
want to be the person that says that
56:04
was like that. What is what is
56:07
my life even right now? That was
56:09
one for a while. Or
56:12
you'd go this and have
56:14
like the fucking emoji pointing to something
56:16
above it. It's just
56:20
it's what it's what
56:22
people do when they're in between being
56:24
young adults and curmudgeonly old people that
56:26
then you go the other way and
56:29
you're like I hate everything that
56:31
people like. Also
56:33
he says using the
56:36
first few notes to that sha
56:39
de song smooth operator. I
56:41
got into an argument with a girl I was
56:43
dating because of it. I asked her don't you
56:46
think it's a bit unoriginal. She looked at me
56:48
like I had 10 heads with dick sticking out
56:50
of them. The least she could have done to
56:53
prove she wasn't a drone would be to
56:55
say yeah but I think it's funny or
56:57
even defend it a little. Instead she looked
56:59
at me like I was from a different
57:02
society with different values. Ha
57:07
ha ha fucking hate so much Bill. Thanks
57:09
for all the laughs. Yeah you know
57:13
you're in a lonely place sir. You're
57:16
in a lonely place. You're basically you're
57:22
thinking for yourself and
57:24
you're noticing patterns and you're like well how
57:26
many times Colin
57:28
Quinn used to do these jokes about those
57:30
office jokes that people would say not only
57:32
everywhere but the same person would say it
57:34
all the time and people would
57:36
still laugh like you know hey I complain
57:38
but who would listen. And
57:41
people would just laugh. You
57:44
know another dollar another day same
57:46
shit different day all of that stuff.
57:49
Those stock jokes well this yeah those
57:51
things and stand up a stock
57:53
line. The
57:57
one that I heard for years. And
58:00
I finally thought about it, it doesn't even make
58:02
sense. They're like, where'd you learn how to whisper?
58:04
In a helicopter factory? You
58:06
know, and the idea was that there would be a
58:08
bunch of helicopters and they're all
58:11
on. It's like
58:13
they're building them. And why would
58:15
building a helicopter be any louder than putting
58:17
a truck together or a car? It's
58:20
still the same thing. You're
58:22
just assembling it, right? It doesn't even
58:24
make sense, but just the idea of
58:26
like, I
58:29
guess you'd say at a helicopter expo, but even then
58:31
they're not turned on. You
58:33
would never have a helicopter on inside of a
58:35
factory with the fucking blades
58:37
spinning around. I don't think OSHA would
58:39
have been up on that. So yeah, so yeah,
58:42
you're actually a thinking person. So you know what
58:44
you have to do when you're around people like
58:46
that? Cause she's probably the kind of person that
58:48
grew up and got hugged and
58:50
was loved and everything. And
58:53
you know, they're like the
58:55
kind of people that when, you know, Halloween's
58:58
coming up and everything becomes pumpkin
59:00
spice, they love it. And
59:02
they want to put on a turtleneck sweater,
59:04
drink pumpkin spice and go apple picking. And
59:06
guess what? Guess what? There's nothing wrong
59:08
with that. There's nothing wrong
59:11
with that. Okay. So,
59:13
and every once in a while,
59:15
especially if you are
59:17
like a curmudgeon or
59:19
like a, what do
59:22
they call you when you, when you always have the opposite point
59:25
of view, a contrarian,
59:30
a contrarian also sometimes can be a, you
59:33
know, there's a lot of narcissists in contrarian
59:35
clothing because it's just a way of arguing
59:37
the other side. So you keep the attention
59:39
on you. And then other people just are
59:42
contrarians because they're miserable fuck and they
59:44
just want to push everything away because that's what their
59:46
parents did to them. It all comes back to being
59:48
a kid. I think, and I have no medical background
59:50
whatsoever. So take all of this shit with a grain
59:52
of salt. So just
59:55
have more of a sense of humor about it. Instead
1:00:00
of saying, don't you think it's a little unoriginal? Just
1:00:04
get really excited when you hear it and
1:00:07
just be like, oh my God, is that a new song?
1:00:09
Did that just come out or just act? Just
1:00:11
be an idiot about it. Yeah,
1:00:16
for a while everything was let the bodies hit
1:00:18
the floor and then
1:00:20
people just shit on it enough. Let
1:00:24
the finger hit the mute or something like that.
1:00:26
Enough of those jokes, people stop using it, but
1:00:29
I don't know. I
1:00:36
would say the last
1:00:39
two, being
1:00:41
a man or a woman and thinking that
1:00:43
there's no good man or
1:00:45
woman out there and also being somebody
1:00:48
that notices why would you do the
1:00:50
exact same joke as someone
1:00:52
else, how many fucking times can
1:00:55
you hear the exact same joke and not notice
1:01:00
that you've heard this 13,000 fucking times before?
1:01:02
Those are two lonely places to be in.
1:01:08
But I've been in both places and my
1:01:10
life landed on
1:01:12
my feet somehow. So anyway,
1:01:15
with that, that's the end of the podcast.
1:01:18
And condolences to the Toronto Maple Leafs. As a
1:01:20
Bruins fan, my heart goes out to you legitimately
1:01:22
and I'm rooting for you guys. All right, so
1:01:24
don't be a bunch of fucking cunts when
1:01:27
I go up there. All right, it's not our fault. You
1:01:32
guys can't seem to get it together. So I have
1:01:36
no idea, but I would love nothing
1:01:38
better than an original 16 that isn't
1:01:40
a fucking Canadians team, Montreal
1:01:42
Canadians to win the cup. So
1:01:45
the Bruins now move on to the
1:01:47
Florida Panthers and we get a chance
1:01:49
to avenge the three
1:01:51
games in a row that they beat us last year. Three
1:01:55
games to one to losing seven. I
1:01:58
mean, it made it easier that they went all the way to the. the
1:02:00
Stanley Cup final, you know, and almost won
1:02:02
the damn thing. Well, actually he didn't fucking
1:02:06
the Vegas nights pretty much handled them. But that's
1:02:08
because the Chuck was, had a
1:02:11
busted sternum at that point. I think that guy
1:02:13
was so good. I think that
1:02:16
he could have pushed it to seven games.
1:02:18
I still think Vegas wins it. But
1:02:21
he was just like, I
1:02:23
don't think I've been a while since
1:02:25
I've seen somebody just willing their team
1:02:29
to victory the way that guy did. That guy
1:02:31
was everything you want in a in a player.
1:02:33
So I'm looking forward to watching
1:02:35
him play again. I am not looking forward
1:02:37
to what he does against my team, but
1:02:40
I will be there. All right, that's it. Go fuck
1:02:42
yourselves. Thank you to everybody came out to the Hollywood
1:02:45
Bowl. And
1:02:48
that's it. I will check in on you on
1:02:50
Thursday.
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