0:01

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's

0:03

time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday,

0:05

December, December. No,

0:07

May. How

0:10

the hell did I get December? May 6th, 2024. What's

0:17

going on? Oh, yeah. Oh, geez. I'm

0:21

recording this on May 5th, also known

0:23

as Cinco de Mayo out

0:26

here in California. I think at this point

0:28

it has gone national. I

0:30

never heard of Cinco de Mayo until I came out here, when I

0:32

first moved out here in the 90s. And

0:35

I clearly remember asking somebody, when is Cinco

0:38

de Mayo? So for other people

0:42

as white as me, it literally means the

0:44

5th of May. So

0:49

my lovely wife's like, we should take the kids

0:51

out for an early Mexican

0:53

cuisine dinner. It's like this

0:55

is literally the

0:58

Valentine's Day of

1:00

getting Mexican food. Why would we do this today?

1:06

I'm not standing behind 200 groups

1:08

of white people coming out to

1:10

get fucking tacos to act

1:12

like they give a shit about something they don't.

1:14

They just want the tacos. They taste good. I

1:18

can do it today. I can do it on the 6th. What

1:23

is that? Cuatro, tres,

1:25

cuatro, cinco, seis,

1:28

or siete. That's the best

1:30

sound of number. Ciete

1:33

de Mayo. That's when I go up. I'm

1:37

not going out Cinco de Mayo. But

1:40

I haven't said that. Happy

1:42

Cinco de Mayo to actual

1:44

Mexican people. Happy

1:47

standing in line day for my people and

1:49

all other groups of people. Anyway,

1:52

here we are. Here we are. Guess who

1:55

feels like he doesn't have a fucking piano

1:57

on his back anymore. This

1:59

guy. this guy,

2:03

Friday night, Tracet

2:05

de Mayo. I did,

2:07

I actually went fresh there,

2:09

Tracet de Mayo. I went

2:11

trac. I

2:13

can't speak any of them. I played the

2:16

Hollywood Bowl, all right,

2:18

with Nate Craig and

2:21

Dean Del Rey and then special guest

2:23

was John Lovitz. He

2:26

came out in the middle of my act and we shit on each other

2:28

for about a minute. I pretended I

2:30

was thirsty and he just came walking out, place

2:32

went fucking crazy because he's John Lovitz. And then

2:34

they also, the people that actually

2:36

saw that podcast where we

2:39

trashed each other, which I

2:41

had no idea people were going to like it

2:43

that much. It was one of the most popular

2:45

podcasts I've ever done, us just trashing each other.

2:48

But anyway, I'll take you through the

2:50

day. So Friday

2:53

comes along. And

2:55

that was such a big gig for me that I

2:57

was literally like paralyzed. Like I couldn't work out. I

2:59

didn't go play drums. I

3:01

couldn't go far around the neighborhood. Nothing. I was

3:04

just like laying in bed looking

3:07

at Nia going, ah, like, Mike,

3:10

I know it's going to be good, but

3:12

I just want to get over there and

3:15

do this. And then I had, you know, a zillion

3:18

people on the guest list because I've lived

3:20

out here for almost 20 years. I

3:22

mean, it was like, I felt like I

3:24

was getting married again. You

3:27

know what I mean? When you're making out like the guest

3:29

list and this person, they need to add one and this

3:31

person can't make it and who should sit with who? Where

3:33

do we put this? You know,

3:35

people last second hit

3:37

me up and just wanted to make sure that

3:39

everybody got in, um,

3:41

which happened thanks to club soda Kenny. Um,

3:46

and meanwhile I ordered, I

3:48

rented a classic Cadillac to

3:50

drive over there. I got a 1965 gold

3:55

on gold Cadillac Coupe de Ville convertible.

4:01

And when

4:03

I first got behind the wheel, I was like, I don't

4:05

know if I like this. It's

4:08

a little weird, you know, it's funny. Those cars

4:10

look huge and then you get inside of them.

4:12

They're nowhere near as big as the cars today.

4:14

Like a fucking SUV. Everybody

4:16

always like taught me and the car was

4:18

like fucking 90 feet long and weighed a

4:20

fucking ton. It's not like

4:23

a 65 Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Two

4:26

door is a paperweight compared

4:28

to something that a fucking soccer mom is driving down

4:30

the street in. Like,

4:33

like those Teslas weigh like fucking 10,000 pounds,

4:35

you know, not that much, but you know what

4:38

I mean. So

4:41

I drove it like half a block. I

4:44

was like, you know, I don't know if I like this and half

4:46

a block later, I was like, oh, I can get into this and

4:49

add the armrest down. And

4:51

I was leaning and I was like,

4:53

this is fucking amazing. And

4:57

I don't know what it had and I know it had a V8,

5:01

but the ignition was right in the center

5:03

of the dashboard and

5:06

you left

5:09

it at 12 o'clock. If you went to the

5:11

auxiliary, you could wear down the

5:13

battery, which I did the night after the bowl, you know,

5:15

cause I got out, it was dark out and I'm just

5:17

used to turning it

5:19

all the way to the left.

5:21

And I came out the next day to

5:23

take everyone, all the family out to breakfast.

5:25

I had a dead battery, but I called

5:28

AAA. We were fine. But anyway, so finally

5:31

it's the moment of truth. I'm

5:34

going over there. I

5:37

get in the car to do sound check at

5:40

like four in the afternoon. And then there's no point

5:43

of me driving all the way, all the way, all

5:46

the way fucking home time. I got home. I, you

5:48

know, fucking hour drive. I got to come

5:50

right back. So I, I

5:54

drive over there and I'm

5:57

feeling pretty good, but a muscle. It's just like, I just

5:59

want to get on. fucking stage, you know? So

6:02

I pull in, of

6:05

course I go in the wrong way, then I

6:08

gotta get out and then I pull in. Everybody's

6:10

loving the car and

6:14

I get out and I'm like, all right, here we go.

6:17

Fucking Hollywood Bull. And

6:19

I meet Club Soda Kenny

6:22

there, everybody else, and

6:24

literally just dropped my stuff and walked right

6:26

out. I took video of

6:28

it, I posted it on Instagram of just

6:30

walking out and seeing the Hollywood Bull empty

6:33

from the stage and

6:36

like just this, I don't

6:38

know, I can't even explain it. It was just incredible,

6:42

iconic, adrenaline Russian.

6:44

And I knew in that moment, I'm like, I'm gonna

6:46

fucking murder tonight. Not gonna have a good

6:49

set, I'm going to fucking murder.

6:52

You know, I'd gone out to the comedy

6:54

store Wednesday night and Thursday night, I did

6:56

two sets and I did different parts of

6:58

my acts and everything was all stretched,

7:01

you know? No tight hammies

7:03

on any of the jokes. I knew what the fuck

7:05

I was gonna do for the most part. I had

7:07

a new joke that I'd been opening with and I

7:09

was like, fuck this, I'm opening at the bull with

7:11

it because then it'll just make me feel like I'm

7:13

doing a spot. So

7:17

we do sound check, they got a little coffee machine

7:20

there. So I have a, what do

7:22

I have? I had a latte,

7:24

I think. And then Dean

7:26

got some sort of green thing that Maka drink that

7:28

had a espresso shot. I

7:31

was like, you know, I might get one of

7:33

those later, right? So, you know, everybody's coming in

7:35

and blah, blah, blah, blah, and

7:37

I'm just sitting there, sitting there, sitting there, I got a ton

7:39

of people in the green room. Some people like to be alone.

7:41

I like to just have everybody in the green room talking, shooting

7:44

the shit, busting balls, love it shows up and

7:47

all we do is just sit down and just, all it shows

7:49

up and all we do is just trash each other, having

7:52

a great time and yeah, and

7:58

then the frigging show. starts, Nate

8:01

goes out to open, absolutely

8:04

kills, he brings out

8:06

Dean, Dean crushes, and

8:10

then I go

8:12

out there. Oh, I forgot to tell you, you

8:14

know, a long time ago, Richard Pryor played there

8:16

on one of

8:18

the first gay

8:20

pride days. And

8:23

he went out there and he opened with, he

8:26

opened, his opening line was, you know, I

8:28

sucked a dick once and the place went

8:30

nuts. I was really talking about

8:32

he got molested by this guy. But

8:36

they didn't know that, right? So he does

8:38

that, but he immediately gets the

8:40

gay crowd totally on his side. And

8:44

he just was setting them up to

8:47

basically say, why should I give a fuck about

8:49

you guys? Where the hell were you when Watts

8:51

was burning? You

8:55

know, when they were having all the, all

8:59

the riots after Martin Luther King was assassinated,

9:02

civil rights, all of that type of stuff. Where

9:04

the fuck were you guys? You guys are in,

9:06

in, in West Hollywood, not doing shit for me.

9:08

Why the fuck should I give a fuck about

9:10

you? 90%

9:12

of them didn't get it, started booing him and he didn't

9:14

give a fuck. Tells

9:16

not to go fuck themselves. And

9:19

they'll, and then he left. And I was thinking like,

9:21

you know, as

9:23

much as he was Richard Pryor, there was still,

9:27

you know, that venue at that point was

9:29

already 50 years old and all these amazing

9:31

people had played there and

9:33

he still had the balls to do that.

9:35

So I was thinking like, I can open

9:40

with a new joke, right? So

9:44

I went out there and the energy

9:48

was insane. And

9:50

the feeling of being on that stage

9:53

was just indescribable. It

9:55

landed somewhere. It was

9:57

like a hybrid between doing red rocks and.

10:00

doing the Acropolis in

10:02

Athens, where both are like

10:04

sort of these amphitheater things. I mean,

10:07

nothing was quite like the Acropolis. The Acropolis

10:09

was like ridiculous. I felt like I

10:13

went in a time machine back a

10:15

couple thousand years with

10:18

everybody dressed like it is now. I mean, it was, that

10:21

was something else. And then Red Rocks has like

10:23

that psychedelic

10:26

vibe to it. So

10:28

this one had like golden

10:30

age Hollywood, but

10:34

also that outdoor thing because it was a lot of

10:36

like, you know, people

10:38

not in show business that were in the

10:41

crowd. So they would bring in that energy.

10:43

And I did

10:46

the opening joke. It's a pretty fucked up

10:49

one. And it

10:52

did well, but it was, it definitely

10:54

made people be like, Hey, you know,

10:56

what are we doing here? I felt

10:59

and, and I just laughed at the

11:01

end of it and I didn't give a, and I

11:03

just freed me up. And

11:06

yeah, I

11:08

just caught his own and I just fucking, I just,

11:14

it was, it couldn't, it just

11:16

could not have gone any better. And

11:18

then, you know, love it's the whole time he's backstage. You guys,

11:20

so when are you going to bring me out like 20, 30?

11:23

I was like, John, I don't know. Whenever

11:25

it feels like the right time, I'll bring you out. And

11:27

then I'm sitting there going in my head, but what if

11:29

I'm killing so fucking hard? I

11:32

don't want to bring them out. Blah, blah. And then I was thinking

11:34

like, no, this is like

11:36

a cool, really cool thing that all

11:38

old school entertainers used to do. And

11:40

as I've been telling you guys, I

11:42

watched that Steve Martin documentary and

11:44

he goes out with Martin Short and

11:46

they have such a good time together. And I recently

11:49

did Dave Chappelle's comedy

11:53

club and we were

11:56

on stage together after every one of

11:58

my sets. So

12:00

I was like, no, this is you kind

12:02

of being like, you know, Billy the loner,

12:04

isolated Bill, hurt as a child Bill, fuck

12:07

this shit, open yourself up, bring this guy

12:09

out. So I just felt, you

12:12

know, like the moment was right about like 20 minutes

12:14

in. And I was,

12:16

you know, the bit was, you know, this, this is kind of

12:18

room temperature. I'd love to have a cold water out here. I

12:20

don't know, be a diva. And all of a

12:22

sudden he just comes walking out and like people

12:25

down front, because they didn't have a spotlight arm could see

12:27

him. And they started going

12:29

nuts place what nuts and, you

12:32

know, we just trashed each other. And if

12:34

you saw the podcast, he walked

12:36

off stage as I was making fun of him. He

12:39

was singing that song, Bill Burr likes it in the butt.

12:45

You know what I love about that song is,

12:47

but is way funnier than ass. Like

12:51

as it kind of flows, it

12:54

sounds like there's lube involved, but there's something

12:56

about it. But it just seems like

12:58

it's, it's, it's a lot more violating and

13:00

way more insulting. So he

13:03

was singing that song, which he used to sing to

13:05

Bob Saget. I was giving

13:08

John shit about that. I see he just recycled all your Saget

13:10

material. Now that he's dead, now you're going to fucking put it

13:12

on me. You

13:14

know, and he's like, Oh, I

13:16

got some new ones. And then he did, he did have some

13:18

new ones. And I had

13:22

a camel toe or something. And

13:26

he was like, your turn doing that

13:28

stuff. And then he walked off and

13:31

it didn't disrupt the set at all. It

13:34

was just sort of this fun little thing

13:37

that, you

13:39

know, was way out of character for me to do. You

13:42

know, I, like I said, like I grew up

13:44

a fucking loner, you know, my

13:47

family was sort of not the most social family.

13:49

We lived on a busy street. Everyone around us

13:51

was sort of older or younger. They

13:54

didn't have kids or they were like empty nesters.

13:56

So there was really nobody to vibe with for

13:58

a critical like eight years of my life. So,

14:01

um, anyway, and then I just, you

14:06

know, I was doing the rest. Oh, I forgot to mention Dean

14:08

brought me one of those caffeine,

14:10

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

14:12

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the green thing

14:14

with the fucking espresso shot had

14:16

already had a latte.

14:18

And when I went out there for the first

14:21

like 10 minutes, I was like lightheaded. And

14:23

I'm like, what's going on? We're not at

14:26

altitude. I'm not nervous. Am I freaking out

14:28

somewhere? And I just

14:32

remembered a long time ago, I used to do the Aspen

14:34

comedy festival and that thing you'd get out of breath. So

14:36

I just started doing flowing down, taking

14:38

bigger breaths and it went away. And it wasn't

14:41

until after my set, I was thinking like, you

14:43

know, I hadn't drank coffee for like a week.

14:47

And then I just had like three shots for

14:49

whatever reason on kind of an empty stomach, cause

14:51

I didn't feel like eating. And

14:54

I just think it made my heart rate already go up.

14:56

And then I was so fucking excited to be at the

14:58

bowl that I was kind of

15:00

like, had to pace myself. I was literally at one

15:02

point going like, am I going to be the first

15:04

fucking asshole to faint during his own set? But

15:08

the lovely Nia was there and,

15:10

um, She

15:12

said you couldn't even notice. So I said, all right, good.

15:15

I mean, I knew I, I know it enough to just,

15:17

you know, just keep rolling with it. Nobody's noticing. Just

15:20

calm down. So I breathed my way through

15:22

that shit. And like I said, it just,

15:25

um, I

15:28

went over my time a little bit. I

15:30

really didn't even want to leave. It was

15:32

fucking incredible. And I want to thank every

15:34

single person that came out that

15:37

made that possible. Um, thank

15:39

Netflix for, you know, having the festival.

15:42

And, um, it

15:45

was, uh, it

15:47

was, it was just fucking awesome. So then I

15:50

get off stage. And,

15:54

um, everybody's all smiles, but they're always

15:56

looking at the poem like, did you like it?

15:58

Did you like it? so many times, you know, perform

16:01

against us say, dude, that was great. No,

16:03

it wasn't. I missed a tag eight minutes

16:05

in and like, I'm too old to do

16:07

that shit. I mean, I didn't give a

16:09

fuck that I was a little lightheaded when I went out there.

16:11

Cause I drank three shots of fucking espresso, like an idiot. Um,

16:16

I didn't give a shit. I, I, I

16:20

loved it. And I loved that even at that little lightheaded

16:22

thing happened and I was able to get through it. I

16:24

love that I brought, you know, me and love it's did

16:27

that. And that worked. And,

16:29

um, I

16:31

did every fucking thing that I wanted to do

16:34

and did like an extra 10 minutes just to

16:37

get as much out of it. It's almost like I got a

16:39

late checkout at a hotel, you know? And,

16:41

um, I

16:44

was just grinning ear to ear and everyone was

16:46

telling me I did a great job and then

16:48

my wife comes in and I saw the look

16:50

on her face and that, you know, and when

16:52

she told me I killed, that's the big one,

16:54

you know, cause that's the thing. They don't, you

16:56

know, so many people talk about that, but comedians,

16:58

wives, like, like when

17:01

they come in with the, when your wife comes in,

17:03

you know, she's seen your act a bunch of fucking

17:05

times when she comes in with a big smile. It's

17:08

like, all right, you know, I, I know I, uh,

17:10

I know I got that one. And then, um, yeah.

17:13

And then we just went over to the after party and was just

17:15

all my friends and family and

17:18

all of that type of stuff. And we just hung

17:20

out and, uh, you

17:22

know, it's funny. Somebody was saying, you know, you've played

17:24

all these places, you know, what's

17:27

next? Like, what is there left to

17:29

do? Um, which

17:33

I get why people say that. It's like,

17:35

what's, what's, what's next? I'll tell you what's

17:37

next. The next fucking killer chunk of material

17:40

that makes me excited that I could do upstairs

17:42

at the belly room in the

17:45

comedy store, and I would still feel like I'm

17:47

floating when I'm going home. Like, like whenever I

17:49

start to feel a new chunk coming, I get

17:51

like this high and it's the exact same high.

17:53

I got the first time I ever did stand

17:55

up or I didn't even do well. Supposed

17:57

to do five minutes, only did three. I bailed.

18:00

It was a competition. I didn't even come close to winning

18:02

it, but it wasn't about that. It was about having the

18:04

balls to go up there when they called your name. I

18:06

remember driving home in my 83 Ford

18:09

Ranger, listening to Motley Crue kickstart

18:12

my heart. I

18:14

was fucking singing a song and screaming. I had the

18:16

window down and it was just fucking awesome. It's

18:20

just kind of been that. I'm

18:22

not going to lie to you. There's

18:24

been some rough ones, but like overall,

18:26

that's kind of like what it's been.

18:29

So yeah, there

18:31

you go, man. Everybody

18:35

has all this crazy. That can be your next special. I'm like,

18:37

yeah, it's going to be my next special. I

18:40

know better than to

18:42

... I

18:45

know what venues work for

18:47

me. I know Chris

18:49

did his there and I thought his was awesome

18:52

when he did his live one there, but it's also like he

18:54

did it. He did it. He just did

18:56

one there. I feel like that's Chris's room a little

18:58

bit. I'm

19:03

going to do my next one. I'm going to

19:05

do it in Seattle, which I think is going

19:07

to be a fun vibe because they're like ...

19:09

That's a fun city because in the

19:11

city, they're super liberal and then you

19:13

get right outside it and

19:16

it becomes like red hats really quickly, which is

19:18

what LA is like. It's like ... Here

19:22

in Hollywood, a bunch

19:25

of liberals. You go on the other side of

19:27

the fucking hill right through the valley and you

19:29

get out there and then there's like gun stores

19:31

and just regular shit like you see in

19:34

most of the country. That's

19:37

like the perfect crowd. I

19:39

want liberals, conservatives, and

19:42

a nice mix of people hopefully.

19:45

It just opens up. You

19:47

can talk about anything. All right, so there

19:49

we go. That's my Hollywood Bowl

19:52

experience. Now let's talk about

19:54

my sports experience. Since

19:58

I last talked to you, the ... ruins,

20:01

lost game six to Toronto and then

20:04

had to go back home with

20:07

the series tied up yet

20:10

again back to back years being up three to

20:12

one. Are we going to blow it again? And

20:19

came home, say

20:22

at the TD bank North

20:24

Garden and

20:27

had to play a game seven against Toronto. And

20:33

fucking two periods, just nobody's scoring.

20:36

And I got to tell you

20:38

something, man, like those, like those

20:40

announcers were just blowing the fucking

20:42

goalie for the maple

20:44

Leafs. They go like, well, you guys, if he

20:46

makes a save like that, that gives a

20:48

boost to this team that this guy

20:50

is on. It's like, we just shot it right

20:52

into him. We kept shooting it right into his

20:54

stomach and they were acting like

20:57

he was doing a full split, making a glove

20:59

save. So

21:03

anyway, they score

21:06

finally with it

21:08

felt like, you know, 10, 12 minutes left

21:11

in the game. And I was just

21:13

going like, man, we

21:15

had just flat as fucking hell. We don't

21:18

have any jump. They're shutting us down. And

21:21

then I don't even know who

21:23

the fuck it was. Someone who never was at Linholm. I

21:25

think it was Linholm who

21:28

had like three goals a whole year, gets

21:32

the puck and just pauses, collects

21:35

himself, didn't rush it and

21:38

just snipes one off

21:40

the shoulder, off the pipe, the

21:42

post, as I used to call it, into the net

21:44

to tie it up right after they scored. We were

21:46

like, holy shit. And I was just going like, oh

21:49

my God, they're going to fucking blow this again. Toronto's

21:52

going to fucking blow it again or break their hearts.

21:54

They're not really blowing it. They're just breaking their hearts.

21:56

They couldn't just fucking lose in five games, you know?

22:00

Um, and then it

22:02

goes into overtime and it didn't last

22:04

long and Lynn Holm like that pass.

22:07

He wasn't thrown into space. That was a pass.

22:10

He couldn't put it on pasta stick because it

22:12

was a defenseman there. Threw

22:14

it in front of him, came right off, ping pong

22:16

off right onto his stick. And

22:20

pasta was like forehand backhand in

22:23

the back of the neck. And just once

22:25

again, um, I, I gotta tell you, uh,

22:29

I don't know what to say to Leaf fans and

22:32

even that organization, like they're like, they're sitting

22:34

there trying to solve the problem. It's like

22:36

they've done every fucking move you could make

22:39

for as long as I can remember. Like what do they

22:42

do now? Like they must be like nose blind, ship

22:45

everybody out, bring a bunch of new people in,

22:47

did that, fire a coach, get a new one.

22:49

They've done that, get a new fucking GM. They've

22:51

done that. What, what, what

22:54

do you do break, you know, the core fours, the

22:56

time to break them up. I don't know what happens

23:00

to them in the playoffs. I

23:02

don't understand it. And I hate that it happens

23:04

to them every year, even though they fucking hate

23:07

the Bruins and they're always, they're always fucking shitting

23:09

on us. Like it's our fault that you guys

23:11

lose. It isn't, we don't

23:13

rub it in your face. We hate the Canadians, you

23:16

know? So my thing is

23:18

like, I hate that the Leafs

23:21

keep losing because the

23:23

Leafs losing is all habs fans have

23:26

now. So I want

23:28

the Maple Leafs to win a cup more than anything,

23:31

bring a cup back to Canada and,

23:33

you know, and let the

23:35

Canadians be sitting in a long drought, you know, which

23:38

they already are. 31

23:40

years. So, um,

23:42

I don't

23:44

know, this year wasn't, didn't seem from the reactions

23:46

that I saw from Maple Leaf fans. They're just

23:48

like numb to it. They're just like, I

23:51

mean, every fucking year, you know, if you're a real leaf fan,

23:53

you knew they were going to figure out a way to not

23:55

win that game seven and ba ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and

23:57

all this shit. And

23:59

the usual stuff. that happens when you lose, then

24:01

you start thrashing all your stars and all of that.

24:05

And I don't know. But I

24:07

can't, I can't, you know, some, I

24:09

heard them on the

24:12

broadcast was saying that the least won a first

24:14

round against Tampa a few years ago. But when

24:16

I go on the internet, it says that they

24:18

haven't won a playoff series since 2004. So I

24:20

don't know what it is. So the

24:23

very least they've only won one playoff series in the last

24:25

20 years. I don't know. You

24:30

know, I don't know. I

24:32

don't know. So I'm not even gloating as a Bruins fan.

24:34

I just said, they're going like I can't fucking believe we

24:38

beat them again in a fucking game. So we beat them three game

24:40

sevens in the life. I don't even, how many, I think in 18,

24:42

19 and now, is that

24:44

what it is?

24:47

Last year we lost to Florida. I don't know. I got

24:49

kids now. I can't keep any of the years in, but,

24:52

um, maybe

24:54

we fans, I don't just stop hating on the

24:56

Bruins. All right. It's not, we don't hate you

24:58

guys. We hate the Canadians just like you, you

25:01

know, we'd love to see, we, obviously we want our team to

25:04

win, but we don't win. We'd love to

25:06

see you win one. Okay.

25:08

Just make sure your hatred is focused in

25:10

the right direction because I

25:14

got like texts from three different Habs fans that were like,

25:16

thank you so much for beating the

25:18

maple Leafs. I don't know.

25:21

I guess it's English speaking, Canada versus

25:23

phony French, Canada. It's like,

25:25

you're not French. You're

25:27

Canadian. Nobody

25:30

in France gives a fuck about you. They don't,

25:32

they don't consider you. They think you, they,

25:34

they probably hate your French more than mine.

25:38

Um, and I'm terrible at it. All

25:40

right. And with that, we're

25:42

on to the reads here for this week. Um,

25:47

where am I going here? Oh, by

25:49

the way, I got a great run of

25:51

dates coming up. I got a Columbus, Ohio,

25:53

Nashville, Tennessee, who unfortunately got knocked

25:55

out by the Vancouver Canucks, but I'm happy

25:58

for the Canucks. You know, I'd love to see. Canadian

26:00

team win it, you know, and

26:05

they were like the number they won the President's Trophy did they?

26:07

They had a great year. I do know that. And

26:10

then I'm working, I think

26:13

Winston-Salem, North

26:15

Carolina. North Carolina is always a fucking fun state

26:17

to drive through. There's always some

26:19

cool restaurant here they had to check

26:22

out some mom-and-pop classic cars or whatever.

26:24

It's great. So anywho,

26:26

oh so the day after, the

26:28

day after I go to the Bowl, you

26:31

know, I kept that caddy for an extra day and

26:34

my wife had a

26:37

shoot that she had to go do.

26:39

So she wasn't around on Saturday and

26:43

I called up Dean Delray and

26:45

Joe Bartnick and

26:47

we just took a nice fucking long ride with the

26:49

top down and it was just, it was fucking, I

26:51

can't even tell you man, like

26:54

those old Cadillacs with the, I was, I've

26:56

never been a convertible guy. Like I don't

26:58

like that, like a convertible on a small

27:00

car is just, to me it's just like

27:02

a Hollywood starlet. It's like a chick car,

27:04

right? Those big ones, I mean

27:06

you just start feeling like Nick

27:09

Nolte in 48 hours, you know, where all

27:11

the windows should be down except for

27:13

that one triangle window in the back. That

27:16

sky blue Cadillac that he had. I'm

27:20

a ragtop man. Hammon.

27:26

Yeah, we cruised over to this

27:29

great coffee spot over

27:33

East LA, you know, we just, just

27:36

had a fucking great time and

27:38

we were stuck in traffic and we just didn't give

27:40

a shit. We were just

27:42

laughing, talking comedy and music

27:45

and all of that shit and

27:49

just cruised around. It was really

27:51

just a perfect, like

27:53

the next day. I will tell you this, like

27:55

the day after for all you younger comics out

27:57

there, I don't know how it works for you.

28:00

But for me, the day after a huge

28:02

gig is as

28:04

fun as the

28:06

huge gig is. The

28:11

rush of doing the huge gig, I feel like

28:13

the next day when you just feel like that

28:15

piano has been lifted off your chest of

28:19

like, whatever you

28:21

do, don't fuck this one up. Just

28:26

waking up the next day, I've

28:29

had that feeling so many fucking times. I

28:32

remember the

28:35

morning after hosting

28:38

SNL and

28:40

it went great, it couldn't have gone any

28:42

better. I remember waking up the next day

28:44

and I hear sometimes performers have like hangovers

28:47

like, like brides

28:49

have that. The focus is all on them

28:51

and then the next day they just wake

28:53

up their first day of being married and

28:56

their time as a princess is over and

28:58

they're like bummed out. I remember

29:00

Neil was like bummed out like, I don't

29:03

know, it was like nothing to plan, there's no excitement

29:05

or whatever. I was like, what are you talking about?

29:07

We got the rest of our lives. You fucking gave

29:09

a little halftime speech, little Lake Pass

29:12

placid speech. So

29:15

I don't have that. The day after a

29:17

big gig, I

29:20

feel like I'm on vacation. You

29:27

just get so hyper focused on it and then

29:29

once it goes away, then it's like the whole

29:31

universe just opens back up. I

29:33

think I'm going to ride around on an old Cadillac and go get

29:35

a cup of coffee with some friends of mine. I

29:38

don't have a gig tonight, I don't

29:41

have anything. So anyway, and today I

29:44

spent the whole day with

29:46

my kids just

29:49

having like the best time. Oh my God,

29:51

they're so funny. They're just so goddamn funny.

29:54

And they're really starting to get older. So now

29:56

they're like messing with each other. They're really passive

29:59

aggressive. towards each other, you

30:01

know? Like you know that guy in your hockey

30:03

team whose job is to get under the skin of the

30:06

other team? Just doing little tiki-tac shit when the ref's

30:08

not looking, the ref's the parents, and this is what

30:10

they do to each other. And then you turn around,

30:12

like what is going on with you two? He

30:15

pushed me, he's copying me. All of

30:17

that stuff, hilarious. So

30:19

anyway, let me do the reads here for this week. Couple

30:23

of quick little reads, little advertisements

30:25

here. What do I got? Oh,

30:29

for God's sakes. You know, at some

30:31

point, I'm really gonna, I

30:33

always say this every week at some point. No, no, no, no,

30:35

no. I had it. I

30:37

had it and I just made the window go away. Is

30:41

this it? If this is

30:43

it, mm-hmm, please let me

30:46

know. No,

30:48

these are all the reads. Oh,

30:50

here we go. Here are the reads.

30:53

Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's

30:55

old zip. Recruiter.

30:58

You know, when you want the best, you

31:00

have to act quickly, or

31:02

someone else will get it instead. That's

31:05

a fun way to live your life, huh? It's

31:07

like if you're hiring for your business. You

31:11

wanna find the most talented people for

31:13

your open roles before the competition scoops

31:15

them up. So what's the best way

31:17

to do that with old zip? Rec,

31:19

rec, rec, rec, rec, rec. Zip

31:23

Recruiter finds qualified candidates fast.

31:25

And right now you can

31:27

try it for free at

31:30

ziprecruiter.com.com/burr, B-U-R-R. Got your eye

31:32

on a rock star candidate?

31:34

Z-S-S-S-S-S-S-V-A-V-A. Invite to

31:37

apply feature lets you cut the

31:39

line. Once

31:41

you review zip, bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla, list of

31:43

the most qualified candidates for your

31:46

job, you can easily invite your

31:48

top choices to apply, to encourage

31:50

them to apply sooner. Amp

31:53

up your hiring performance with

31:55

zip. Ah,

31:59

and fun. the best fast. CY45,

32:02

employers who post on ZipRecruiter

32:04

get a quality candidate within

32:07

the first day. Just go

32:09

to this exclusive web address

32:12

right now to try to

32:14

ZipRecruiter for free. ziprecruiter.com/burr. Again,

32:17

that's ziprecruiter.com/burr. z-i-p-r-e-c-r-u-i-t-e-r.com slash

32:22

burr. ZipRecruiter, the

32:24

smartest way to hire. All

32:27

right, here we go. For you people who need glashes, not

32:30

glashes, if you want to put a picture in

32:32

a frame, we have Aura Frames. All

32:35

right, you guys ready to win Mother's Day and

32:37

cement your reputation as the best gift giver in

32:40

the family? You want to move

32:42

up in the rankings and

32:45

become mom's favorite? The

32:47

moms in your life, an Aura

32:49

digital picture frame preloaded with decades of

32:51

family photos. She'll love looking back on

32:53

your childhood memories and seeing what you're

32:56

up to today. Now here's the thing,

32:58

if your mom is a sweetheart, load

33:00

it up with pictures of her kids

33:02

and her friends. All right, if she's

33:05

a narcissist, just load it up with

33:07

pictures of her. Even

33:11

better, with unlimited storage and an

33:13

easy to use app, you can

33:15

update. You can keep updating mom's

33:17

frame with new photos, so it's

33:19

the gift that keeps on giving.

33:21

Right now, Aura has a great

33:23

deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can

33:25

save on the perfect gift by

33:27

visiting auroframes.com/burr, B-U-R-R to get $30

33:30

off plus free shipping on their

33:32

best selling frame. That's Aura, A-U-R-A,

33:36

frames.com, Aura

33:39

frames, plural,.com slash

33:41

burr. Use the code B-U-R-R at

33:43

checkout to save.

33:46

Terms and conditions apply.

33:48

Oh, those goddamn terms and conditions.

33:51

Terms of endearment. And

33:54

the Oscar goes to... I

33:56

don't think I ever saw that one. So

34:00

anyway, what

34:02

was I going to say? Yeah, so

34:04

that's what people were asking me. They were asking me, now that

34:07

you've played this place, you've played that and all that stuff, what

34:09

is there left to do? You know what there's left to do

34:11

for me to have a killer standup special? What's

34:13

left for me to do is to go

34:15

to Columbus, Ohio, Nashville, Tennessee, Winston-Salem, North Carolina,

34:18

and give those people their money's worth. That's

34:20

what's left to do. I

34:23

just keep doing that. What else am I going to do?

34:25

Stop doing this, sit

34:27

on my back porch and stare out into the woods. I

34:30

mean, I love doing that, but you know, I

34:32

also have gigs coming up, so I enjoy it. But if

34:34

I had no gigs coming up, I would just stare out

34:36

into the woods until I went fucking nuts. And I'm crazy

34:38

enough. I need to have stuff to do.

34:41

All right, so let's read your questions for

34:43

the week. Comedy store in Hollywood Bowl. Hey,

34:45

Bill, I'm a big fan, and I'm out

34:47

here in LA for a couple of months

34:49

working from Australia. And was

34:52

at the Comedy Store for your main room

34:54

drop-in on Wednesday. Nightstand

34:57

had tickets to the

35:00

Hollywood Bowl. Just wanted to say thanks for

35:02

a couple of unforgettable nights. It

35:05

was so cool seeing how the jokes from

35:07

the Comedy Store had developed and refined over

35:09

those few short days and then

35:11

woven into the longer format show. I

35:13

had never been to the Hollywood Bowl

35:16

before despite having seen many live performances

35:18

at almost every other venue over the

35:20

years in this city. And

35:22

I couldn't have asked for a better debut at

35:24

the venue. Well, I mean, that must be extra

35:26

sick. I mean, if you're in Australia, you

35:30

know, you going to see a show at the

35:32

Hollywood Bowl would be like me going to like

35:34

Royal Albert Hall or

35:37

what's somewhat, you know

35:39

what? What's

35:42

that one in Sydney? Sydney,

35:45

was it not the Opera House? The Sydney,

35:47

what the

35:50

fuck? I did a gig there. The

35:53

one that has all the shells coming up. God

35:57

damn it, my fucking memory is

35:59

just going. That was a huge deal

36:01

for me performing

36:03

at that one because

36:06

that's also the one where Frank Sinatra went

36:08

on. And he called

36:10

that critic a

36:12

$2 whore. Did

36:14

you ever read that story? $3

36:17

whore or something? And

36:19

there was all these feminists in the crowd and they

36:21

didn't like it. I

36:23

mean, it didn't get the biggest laugh. There's actually audio

36:28

of it and they made such

36:30

a stink about it that they said they weren't going to

36:32

let them leave the country. The

36:34

prime minister wasn't going to let them leave the country

36:36

unless he issued a formal

36:39

apology to the reporter. So

36:42

Frank gets word of that and

36:45

he pours himself a drink. He's up in

36:47

this penthouse suite in Sydney, Australia. And

36:51

he says to his lawyers, he pours a drink. He

36:53

goes, well, I'm not apologizing. So now what? And there

36:55

was this giant fucking stand up. I

36:58

can't believe they haven't made a movie about

37:00

that or fucking done

37:03

some animated short. You know, maybe those

37:05

might judge things, the tales from the

37:07

road, all the musicians. That would have

37:09

been a great one. That

37:12

would have been a great one. I didn't

37:14

see every episode of that. They might have done

37:16

that one. So anyway, that's so cool that you

37:18

came here to

37:22

America and you got to see a show at the

37:24

Hollywood Bowl. I'm humbled that it was me. I mean,

37:27

fucking Jim Morrison, one of the great concert films of

37:29

all time with The Doors has been on that stage.

37:31

Frank Sinatra. When you go back there

37:33

and you see pictures of Jimi Hendrix on the stage and

37:36

everything, that's maybe that'd be another reason why I

37:38

felt a little lightheaded when I went out there. That was a

37:41

lot. This guy says, thank

37:43

you very much for a magical night last

37:45

night. Again, you fucking killed it, man. Thank

37:48

you. And you know what? I did kill

37:50

it. And I accept

37:52

that fucking compliment. This is the new me. And

37:56

I go, oh, you know, the lighting and the sound

37:58

or whatever. Yeah, that was all great. and so was

38:00

I. All right, I'm

38:03

gonna go for it, said. All right,

38:05

no cash bail. Bill,

38:10

you mentioned no cash bail in New York.

38:12

Literally no one I know is

38:15

for this. Yeah,

38:17

I don't understand how that came about. Everybody

38:23

says liberals did that. Was that in

38:25

the reaction to those RICO laws or

38:27

whatever? They put

38:29

those fucking girlfriends

38:32

of drug dealers because they had nobody to flip

38:34

on and they went to jail for the rest

38:36

of their lives so they overcorrect the other way

38:38

and they let psychos go out and

38:40

kill cops and all that horrible shit that's been

38:43

happening. Does

38:45

it feel like anybody's holding the steering

38:47

wheel of the country right now? That's

38:51

why I can't talk about this

38:53

fucking election. It's just like two elections in

38:55

a row, three elections in a row, has

39:00

been our fucking idiot is better than

39:02

your fucking idiot. You

39:04

know, like

39:07

John McCain versus Barack

39:09

Obama, that was like

39:11

two competent fucking individuals.

39:16

I will say Bush and Gore was a bad one.

39:22

Clinton versus Bob Dole was a good one. Clinton

39:26

versus George Herbert

39:28

Walker was a good one. George

39:31

against Mike Dukakis before he stuck his head

39:33

out the tank. That was a

39:36

good one. Like there's been like Walter

39:39

Mondale against Reagan. They've

39:41

always been like good match ups. You know, Reagan

39:45

Carter was a good one. I mean,

39:47

I don't know if anybody knew that Reagan

39:49

was going to just let corporations run wild.

39:52

That was kind of his fucking, you know, bad,

39:55

I guess that he listened to them, but he also

39:58

fucking outspent the Russians and help end the cold. war

40:00

so you got to give them a thumbs up on that, you

40:03

know, deregulating all of these fucking corporations so

40:05

they can now do whatever the fuck they

40:07

want. And I just love how they're fucking

40:09

this whole country up and like this giant

40:11

segment of the white

40:14

population that is still blaming

40:16

minorities, literally minorities. They're

40:19

minorities. How are they running shit? They're

40:21

not making any policy. They didn't poison our food

40:24

supply. They didn't pour it as poison and water

40:26

supply. They

40:28

don't make decisions to get us involved in

40:30

wars. I mean, I don't understand that. Well,

40:32

you know what's ruining this country? Fucking illegal

40:34

immigration. Is that why? Is that

40:37

what's ruining it? That's

40:39

what's ruining it. I literally saw this fucking video of

40:41

this guy. He bought like

40:43

this classic Porsche Spyder from the

40:45

1950s and he had rented

40:47

a crane to have it brought

40:50

in to just sit in the living room

40:52

of his penthouse apartment. And you know he's going

40:54

to be in one of these big stupid magazines

40:57

talking about how the car's the work of

40:59

art. I can just look at it and

41:01

enjoy it. And that's one of those people

41:03

that makes they get their bonuses by laying

41:05

off people and putting people out in the

41:07

street. And then people drive down

41:09

the street and they see people living under

41:11

bridges and they who do they blame? They blame

41:14

whoever the standing president is. And it's like that's

41:16

not what it is. For one person to be

41:18

taking that much meat off the bone, somebody's not

41:20

going to be able to eat. Next

41:22

thing you know, you're going to be outside. And

41:24

these fucking people cash those bonus checks and sleep

41:26

like fucking babies next

41:28

to a Porsche that they have sitting in their

41:31

fucking bedroom. Anyway,

41:33

I'm off my fucking that's

41:36

just not my version of it.

41:38

So anyway, I

41:40

don't understand. No

41:42

bail is just fucking Wild West. I

41:45

don't know why they're doing that. Anyway,

41:47

the attorney general can't even justify it.

41:50

And my cycle left family thinks it's

41:52

insane. Yeah.

41:55

So once again, we've politicized it. It's like

41:57

who wants criminals running the streets? They don't.

42:00

You're acting like all liberals who are like, yes,

42:02

this is what we should do, rather than one

42:04

idiot. It's like, when

42:06

I look at Trump, I don't look at him

42:08

like he represents the Republican Party. You

42:12

know, Republican Party, you know, has

42:14

plenty of fucking level-headed conservative people.

42:17

I don't know why they keep

42:19

choosing that guy any more than I

42:21

understand why blue ties keep choosing a

42:23

guy that clearly has cognitive fucking issues.

42:27

Anyway, literally no one I know, blah, blah,

42:29

blah, blah. The attorney, Junker Cycle Left, even

42:33

my Cycle Left family thinks it's

42:35

insane and they're the type of

42:38

people who have absolutely bullshit beliefs

42:40

like if the government wanted 75% of

42:43

our paychecks, it's for a

42:45

good reason. Yeah,

42:47

the reason is we regular

42:50

people would be paying the tab

42:54

that the fucking super rich chewed and screwed

42:56

on. The ones that

42:58

got us into this 20 year fucking war

43:01

and they lined their pockets with it and

43:03

bankrupted this fucking country. And

43:06

what do we do? We blame people who just

43:08

came across the border. Yeah, that's why we're fucking

43:10

bankrupt. All

43:12

right. Fucking Uncle Terry,

43:15

when is he going to learn? Yeah,

43:18

you know what it is? That they're like, people

43:20

who think that way and just stick

43:22

to party lines like that, they're like

43:24

those diehard fans

43:28

of a band and it

43:30

bands 40 years into their career and they put

43:32

out a garbage album. I'm not saying you can't

43:34

put out a killer album. But

43:39

if, and they just, no matter what the album is,

43:41

I like it. There's a lot of good tracks on

43:43

that. It's like, dude, come on, what

43:45

are they doing? The guy can't sing anymore. What the

43:48

fuck's going on? And they just can't see it. People

43:50

get that way with political parties, which I don't understand.

43:53

It doesn't help anybody. Anyway,

43:55

you wouldn't pass a law like this unless

43:58

you were trying to keep dangerous people on

44:00

the street to cause turmoil

44:02

and chaos, probably in order to

44:04

roll out crazy laws. Yeah,

44:08

you know, I would love to argue against that, but

44:10

who in their right fucking mind would

44:14

have a no bail system? The

44:17

term is controlled demolition of society. Think about

44:19

it. I don't understand why do these people

44:22

want to ruin this country? It's such a

44:24

great country, and

44:26

you could be a complete nobody and

44:28

you can make it in this country. Why do

44:32

a select group of a few people

44:34

want to end this for everybody? It's

44:36

just fucking greed. You

44:40

know, and God knows CNN and Fox News are not

44:43

going to call out these corporations because they get paid

44:45

by them. So it's

44:47

up to you as an individual to

44:49

stop blaming political parties and individuals and

44:51

races of people, you

44:53

know, who get

44:55

fucking intimidated. They can't even fucking vote.

44:59

They're not swinging elections. You got to fucking look at

45:01

the handful of people that are doing this. Then I

45:03

don't know what to do after that. Once you identify

45:06

him, like

45:09

the second person from Boeing magic, that

45:12

whistleblower from Boeing magically died and is

45:14

barely even a fucking story. But

45:17

I can tell you this. If somebody retaliated, all

45:20

right, if a

45:23

worker from Boeing retaliated,

45:25

okay, and anonymously killed someone

45:27

on the high higher up board

45:29

of Boeing, the

45:31

people that made this decisions to cut costs allegedly

45:33

and all of that, that would be a fucking

45:36

story on Fox News and on

45:39

CNN. And it would be called an act of

45:41

terrorism. We have to find this guy and they

45:43

would find them. That's where I am.

45:45

That's how jaded I am. Anyway,

45:49

think about it. I've never controlled demolition

45:51

of society. Think about it. I've never

45:53

heard anyone talk about civil war in

45:55

this country. And now the news just

45:58

keeps putting that in people's heads. It's

46:00

the you are what you eat of

46:02

news propaganda. Here's an example of

46:05

what's happening. New York City judge

46:07

retires to Florida just days after

46:10

freeing a man who sucker punched

46:13

a 57 year old woman in the jaw. Brooklyn

46:16

Supreme Court Justice Matthew

46:19

Syria, I

46:23

can't even say that name. No

46:26

SCI ARR. I know retired and

46:28

is moving to Florida after a

46:31

bizarre ruling. France. Judy

46:33

was freed by Siri.

46:36

I know last week

46:39

even after prosecutors upgraded the assault charged

46:41

to a felony. The Brooklyn DA's offer

46:43

requested $25,000 cash bail or $55 $50,000

46:45

bond. But

46:49

Syria turned down the request victim.

46:54

Dolce Pichardo's jaw was

46:56

completely shattered from the attack back in

46:58

March. Her jaw was wired shut and

47:00

she lost some of her teeth. Thanks

47:03

and love to the family. All right. Okay.

47:06

Just so everybody doesn't fucking put

47:08

their head between their fucking knees here. There's a lot

47:10

of great stuff happening in this country and there's a

47:12

lot of great people. Okay. And

47:15

we got to stop doing this Hatfield McCoy

47:17

thing. All right. We need to help each

47:19

other out. If

47:22

you see a homeless person and they don't look like

47:24

they're using, help them out, get them a cup of

47:26

coffee. It's going to be on us because these people

47:29

at the top are not human beings. They

47:32

are fucking sociopaths. And

47:38

I don't know. I don't know how you

47:40

combat the fucking propaganda of CNN, Fox News.

47:42

It's fucking insane. I mean, those are literally

47:44

like almost like they should be on like

47:46

the 700 Club network. They're

47:48

like religions for some people. Incel

47:51

woman. Incel woman.

47:54

All right. Okay. Here's a

47:56

new one. All right. I

48:00

had no idea. All right. Let's see here. Where

48:03

the hell did it go? Okay. Dear Billy,

48:06

misunderstood balls. What's

48:11

the term for a woman who hates men

48:13

because they can't get one or always

48:15

picks the wrong ones so

48:18

they think we're all losers and assholes.

48:24

Oh, I forget. Well, if you're a guy and

48:26

you do that, you're a misogynist, misanthropist

48:30

or something, I think

48:32

that's hatred of humanity. There

48:34

is a name. If there's a

48:36

name for a slob of a man who

48:38

doesn't take care of himself and hates women,

48:42

then what is the name for a woman's version? There is

48:44

a name for it. I always have to look it up

48:46

because they never say it. Just

48:50

wondering, but it seems like no one is

48:52

addressing women who bring nothing to the table

48:54

and expect a man to be everything they

48:56

wanted. Tall, dark, handsome and

48:59

rich. I'm five

49:01

seven, good shape and a slightly

49:03

less striking looking version of John

49:05

Stamos. Well, you should

49:07

be fucking crushing it. Even

49:10

the runoff from John Stamos' life

49:12

should be enough to get you in the hall

49:15

of fame. I've had girls

49:19

ogle at me on dating

49:21

apps and then when we see eye

49:23

to eye, literally speaking, they seem put

49:25

off. Also, I make

49:27

good money but only live in a

49:29

one bedroom apartment. That's good, man. Don't

49:31

fucking blow all your cash.

49:34

I dated a girl who was basically

49:36

interviewing me for a few weeks while

49:38

we hung out. Every question was loaded.

49:40

And even though she seemed to like me,

49:42

she had this devil on her shoulder telling

49:44

her she could do better. Well,

49:47

listen, buddy, you dodged a fucking bullet. It's

49:50

been four years and she's still single and

49:52

continuing to interview every guy in the city

49:54

with no luck. Her

49:57

superficial ways have left her posting.

50:00

on Instagram stories that every guy is a

50:02

fuck boy and there are no good men

50:04

out there. All right.

50:06

Well, why are you taking on whatever the

50:08

fuck she's carrying? I used to trash women

50:10

all the time. I

50:12

used to and I still do too. Mitch Hedberg.

50:16

No, I don't. I've really gotten away from

50:18

that. And my shit was

50:21

I couldn't figure out how to

50:23

make a relationship work. So I

50:25

did all of this shit, trash and marriage, and why

50:27

the fuck would you ever do that? And the reality

50:29

was, is I wanted to be married. I want to

50:32

be married and have a big family is what I

50:34

really wanted. I just didn't know how to do it.

50:36

And I was frustrated and I didn't realize that I

50:38

was the problem. So what did I do? I blamed

50:41

innocent people, you know, sound familiar

50:43

happens all the fucking time. So that's

50:45

what she's doing. So I wouldn't take

50:47

anything, you

50:49

know, anything

50:52

that she's doing personally,

50:54

I'll tell you what's great for

50:56

your psyche is to have empathy for and

51:00

hope or pray that she comes out of

51:02

this so she can find

51:04

the person she's supposed to be with. But

51:08

other than that, you know, if there's some work woman

51:10

walking around saying all all guys and fucking

51:13

assholes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, each

51:16

is all right. I mean, I mean, that's what

51:18

you think. Okay. So

51:22

the person says, can't wait to see you perform live again.

51:24

All right. You know what? I'm going to, I'm going to

51:26

find the word right now. I got to turn

51:29

this thing off of airplane mode. The

51:32

risk of somebody calling me then I got to fucking edit

51:34

this thing. Let's see here. What

51:42

is the name for

51:47

a woman? I've

51:50

looked this up a bunch of times in the podcast that

51:54

hates men.

52:01

It is... Oh, a Missandrist.

52:05

M-I-S-A-N-D-R-I-S-T.

52:09

So, misogynist is a guy that

52:11

hates women. Misogynist

52:14

is a woman that hates men. And

52:17

then if you're a mis... a misanthrope,

52:19

I think is what it's called, you just hate

52:21

all of humanity. And

52:26

I don't know what, the gay community has to fucking

52:28

weigh in to let me know if you're a lesbian

52:30

and you hate other lesbians. Then

52:33

you're just probably some sort of self-hating gay

52:35

person or something. I don't know. Anyway,

52:38

yeah, I wouldn't take any of that shit on. Something

52:43

probably happened to her when she was

52:45

younger and, you know,

52:47

she's probably afraid to get into a relationship, which

52:49

is why she just kept interviewing you. Every question

52:51

was loaded and she wanted you to trip

52:54

up so she could... there's the reason, there it

52:56

is, and she could get out of it. Or

52:59

she used to love men and then she just

53:01

dated such a fucking asshole, she's afraid to get

53:03

into something else. But guess what? You can guess

53:05

all day until she says what it really is,

53:07

you're never going to know. And until then, she's

53:10

going to be on Instagram blaming

53:12

all men, which

53:14

is a bad place

53:17

to be. And I was

53:19

there at one point in my life on the other side of

53:21

the table. So I hope she comes out of it and I

53:23

hope you go find somebody that loves you. All

53:25

right. Stupid new phrases.

53:29

Bill, I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years old

53:32

and I hate everything about pop culture... Oh, wait, let

53:34

me put this fucking thing back into

53:36

airplane mode so I don't have to edit

53:39

this thing together. All

53:41

right. I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years

53:43

old and I

53:46

hate everything about pop culture, social

53:48

media, etc. It started with the

53:50

when you jokes.

53:52

Like when your

53:54

Uber driver smells, then insert dumb

53:57

picture. Oh, yeah, that's sort

53:59

of like the mad They used to have like, not

54:02

really, more like hacky standup jokes. Like

54:05

people start speaking in social media speak.

54:10

Tell me you're a garbage collector without telling

54:12

me you're a garbage collector. You can just

54:14

insert any fucking job. Tell

54:16

me you still live in the home without telling me

54:18

and it just becomes like this, you know, yeah, like

54:21

a mad lib. Like the joke's already written, you just

54:23

got to put the subject in there and then all

54:25

of a sudden you're funny. So

54:29

he says, the new ones I hate the

54:31

most is he understood the assignment. Yeah.

54:35

He stood on business ideas,

54:38

a million of those fucking things.

54:40

He wanted that smoke, but

54:43

there are some fucking great ones though. People are

54:45

fucking like that. I get blown away by some

54:47

of the jokes. People write. Um,

54:50

there was a band one time they were all

54:52

obese and Pete, you know, there was unknown ban

54:54

and in the comment section, people were fucking coming

54:57

up with names for the band. And

55:00

the only one I can remember, they were all fucking

55:02

hilarious. The one that I really remembered was one of

55:04

them called Jimmy eight world. I

55:07

was just like, Oh my God, Judas

55:10

feast. They were just

55:12

fucking hilarious. They were like, really? They've

55:14

liked literally like these people

55:16

could write for a late night monologue

55:19

fucking killer jokes. And my hats off to a,

55:21

there's a lot of regular people out there that

55:24

have come up with some fucking incredible jokes.

55:26

I mean, there was a recently I saw

55:29

when this guy had this giant head and

55:31

somebody wrote this, this guy dreams and I

55:33

max. Um,

55:39

all right. Stupid

55:41

new phrases. Bill, I'll get right to it. I already said, okay,

55:44

blah, blah, blah. Okay. The new

55:46

ones I hate. He understood the assignment. It's worse when they don't

55:48

even do it right. Her girl, I

55:50

know posted this while holding a bottle

55:52

of Rose with no contest. The

55:55

assignment was to buy a bottle of wine. What

55:58

are you even saying? Sweetheart? want to

56:00

join in and you don't know how yet they

56:02

want to be the person that says that

56:04

was like that. What is what is

56:07

my life even right now? That was

56:09

one for a while. Or

56:12

you'd go this and have

56:14

like the fucking emoji pointing to something

56:16

above it. It's just

56:20

it's what it's what

56:22

people do when they're in between being

56:24

young adults and curmudgeonly old people that

56:26

then you go the other way and

56:29

you're like I hate everything that

56:31

people like. Also

56:33

he says using the

56:36

first few notes to that sha

56:39

de song smooth operator. I

56:41

got into an argument with a girl I was

56:43

dating because of it. I asked her don't you

56:46

think it's a bit unoriginal. She looked at me

56:48

like I had 10 heads with dick sticking out

56:50

of them. The least she could have done to

56:53

prove she wasn't a drone would be to

56:55

say yeah but I think it's funny or

56:57

even defend it a little. Instead she looked

56:59

at me like I was from a different

57:02

society with different values. Ha

57:07

ha ha fucking hate so much Bill. Thanks

57:09

for all the laughs. Yeah you know

57:13

you're in a lonely place sir. You're

57:16

in a lonely place. You're basically you're

57:22

thinking for yourself and

57:24

you're noticing patterns and you're like well how

57:26

many times Colin

57:28

Quinn used to do these jokes about those

57:30

office jokes that people would say not only

57:32

everywhere but the same person would say it

57:34

all the time and people would

57:36

still laugh like you know hey I complain

57:38

but who would listen. And

57:41

people would just laugh. You

57:44

know another dollar another day same

57:46

shit different day all of that stuff.

57:49

Those stock jokes well this yeah those

57:51

things and stand up a stock

57:53

line. The

57:57

one that I heard for years. And

58:00

I finally thought about it, it doesn't even make

58:02

sense. They're like, where'd you learn how to whisper?

58:04

In a helicopter factory? You

58:06

know, and the idea was that there would be a

58:08

bunch of helicopters and they're all

58:11

on. It's like

58:13

they're building them. And why would

58:15

building a helicopter be any louder than putting

58:17

a truck together or a car? It's

58:20

still the same thing. You're

58:22

just assembling it, right? It doesn't even

58:24

make sense, but just the idea of

58:26

like, I

58:29

guess you'd say at a helicopter expo, but even then

58:31

they're not turned on. You

58:33

would never have a helicopter on inside of a

58:35

factory with the fucking blades

58:37

spinning around. I don't think OSHA would

58:39

have been up on that. So yeah, so yeah,

58:42

you're actually a thinking person. So you know what

58:44

you have to do when you're around people like

58:46

that? Cause she's probably the kind of person that

58:48

grew up and got hugged and

58:50

was loved and everything. And

58:53

you know, they're like the

58:55

kind of people that when, you know, Halloween's

58:58

coming up and everything becomes pumpkin

59:00

spice, they love it. And

59:02

they want to put on a turtleneck sweater,

59:04

drink pumpkin spice and go apple picking. And

59:06

guess what? Guess what? There's nothing wrong

59:08

with that. There's nothing wrong

59:11

with that. Okay. So,

59:13

and every once in a while,

59:15

especially if you are

59:17

like a curmudgeon or

59:19

like a, what do

59:22

they call you when you, when you always have the opposite point

59:25

of view, a contrarian,

59:30

a contrarian also sometimes can be a, you

59:33

know, there's a lot of narcissists in contrarian

59:35

clothing because it's just a way of arguing

59:37

the other side. So you keep the attention

59:39

on you. And then other people just are

59:42

contrarians because they're miserable fuck and they

59:44

just want to push everything away because that's what their

59:46

parents did to them. It all comes back to being

59:48

a kid. I think, and I have no medical background

59:50

whatsoever. So take all of this shit with a grain

59:52

of salt. So just

59:55

have more of a sense of humor about it. Instead

1:00:00

of saying, don't you think it's a little unoriginal? Just

1:00:04

get really excited when you hear it and

1:00:07

just be like, oh my God, is that a new song?

1:00:09

Did that just come out or just act? Just

1:00:11

be an idiot about it. Yeah,

1:00:16

for a while everything was let the bodies hit

1:00:18

the floor and then

1:00:20

people just shit on it enough. Let

1:00:24

the finger hit the mute or something like that.

1:00:26

Enough of those jokes, people stop using it, but

1:00:29

I don't know. I

1:00:36

would say the last

1:00:39

two, being

1:00:41

a man or a woman and thinking that

1:00:43

there's no good man or

1:00:45

woman out there and also being somebody

1:00:48

that notices why would you do the

1:00:50

exact same joke as someone

1:00:52

else, how many fucking times can

1:00:55

you hear the exact same joke and not notice

1:01:00

that you've heard this 13,000 fucking times before?

1:01:02

Those are two lonely places to be in.

1:01:08

But I've been in both places and my

1:01:10

life landed on

1:01:12

my feet somehow. So anyway,

1:01:15

with that, that's the end of the podcast.

1:01:18

And condolences to the Toronto Maple Leafs. As a

1:01:20

Bruins fan, my heart goes out to you legitimately

1:01:22

and I'm rooting for you guys. All right, so

1:01:24

don't be a bunch of fucking cunts when

1:01:27

I go up there. All right, it's not our fault. You

1:01:32

guys can't seem to get it together. So I have

1:01:36

no idea, but I would love nothing

1:01:38

better than an original 16 that isn't

1:01:40

a fucking Canadians team, Montreal

1:01:42

Canadians to win the cup. So

1:01:45

the Bruins now move on to the

1:01:47

Florida Panthers and we get a chance

1:01:49

to avenge the three

1:01:51

games in a row that they beat us last year. Three

1:01:55

games to one to losing seven. I

1:01:58

mean, it made it easier that they went all the way to the. the

1:02:00

Stanley Cup final, you know, and almost won

1:02:02

the damn thing. Well, actually he didn't fucking

1:02:06

the Vegas nights pretty much handled them. But that's

1:02:08

because the Chuck was, had a

1:02:11

busted sternum at that point. I think that guy

1:02:13

was so good. I think that

1:02:16

he could have pushed it to seven games.

1:02:18

I still think Vegas wins it. But

1:02:21

he was just like, I

1:02:23

don't think I've been a while since

1:02:25

I've seen somebody just willing their team

1:02:29

to victory the way that guy did. That guy

1:02:31

was everything you want in a in a player.

1:02:33

So I'm looking forward to watching

1:02:35

him play again. I am not looking forward

1:02:37

to what he does against my team, but

1:02:40

I will be there. All right, that's it. Go fuck

1:02:42

yourselves. Thank you to everybody came out to the Hollywood

1:02:45

Bowl. And

1:02:48

that's it. I will check in on you on

1:02:50

Thursday.