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0:30

Alright. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr and

0:32

it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

0:34

Friday, Monday morning podcast,

0:36

and I'm just checking in on you. As

0:38

you can see, I dressed up a little bit. You know,

0:40

I'm a video here, on

0:43

the Internet, whatever you call it. On

0:45

the super eight, you know, I have a guest and

0:47

I dressed up because he's always dressing up guy's

0:49

one of the most legendary stand up comedians.

0:52

Of all time, certainly of my

0:54

generation, a guy I've looked up to forever.

0:56

And when I first started doing the road, I

0:58

used to be, like, I wanna be like this guy. I

1:01

wanna travel like that. The

1:03

one and only

1:04

Doug Stan Hope. Thanks for having me

1:07

so much.

1:07

Sorry about that. That was very awkward

1:10

when it just happened. Evidently, you're

1:11

What people and my people have been talking

1:14

about show I ideas. And

1:16

all of a sudden, a pitch meeting sprung up

1:18

out

1:18

there. Yeah. They said, can you show up a half hour

1:20

early? And I was sitting there

1:22

going, oh, Oh, they told me I thought you

1:25

were a half hour early. That's

1:27

hilarious. Yeah. I thought you were

1:29

dying or something. Thought you would die

1:31

and you're gonna be like, listen, this is my

1:33

last time to LA.

1:35

Is that what hap why are they such fucking assholes?

1:38

Yeah. Well, he said, yeah. I I mentioned

1:40

that to to the guy, the comedy death camp.

1:42

And I go, yeah, I remember that was an idea.

1:44

But I didn't even know you like you produce shape.

1:46

Shit. I haven't seen you in fucking years

1:49

and all of sudden they spring a pitch

1:51

meeting. Alright.

1:52

So it's a nice way to reconnect.

1:56

For me to sit well, what was funny is we were

1:58

just sitting there shooting this shit for, like, twenty minutes.

2:00

And then I got in my head going like,

2:02

has it been so long that I saw it that I've

2:04

seen you, that you felt like you needed to reconnect

2:07

with me. It's like, I've known this

2:09

guy for, like, twenty five years. Which

2:12

is what I was alluding to when we've when

2:15

I did the the intro from way back ninety

2:17

seconds ago. I remember when I

2:19

when I was when

2:22

I was starting out not starting out. I was

2:24

about seven, eight years. And, like, I

2:26

wanted to start doing the road, and I

2:28

wanted I wanna do the road. I wanna

2:31

go out there. I wanna do all the hell gigs. I

2:33

wanna to, you know, live all of those stories.

2:35

And remember you and Hedberg, we're

2:38

just out there doing it, and that's like what

2:40

I wanted to do. And they they had this big

2:43

showcase down the laugh factory. And

2:46

it was my favorite showcase I ever did at the laugh

2:48

factory in the nineties. It was no networks. Nothing

2:50

TV or movie related. It was just club

2:52

owners. Spip for whatever reason we're in

2:54

town. And I was so fucking

2:56

excited to go up there and kill so I could

2:59

go to these places and I remember saying to

3:01

this other comic who later went on

3:03

to star in a trilogy of

3:06

movies. I remember saying yeah, you know, I heard

3:08

the guy the guy's from Stanford and Sun

3:10

in Kansas City out here. And he

3:12

literally and he just looked

3:15

to me, he goes, I don't wanna

3:17

go to Kansas City. And I got

3:19

all in my head, like, oh, shit, shit. I not

3:21

wanna go to Kansas City. But

3:23

I I wanted to go to all of

3:25

those places, and then I quickly found out.

3:27

I was like, wait a minute. The sports

3:29

stadiums are here. I wanna go look at

3:31

them. What if got to go to a game. Like, it

3:33

was, for me, doing

3:35

the road for the first, like, I don't know,

3:37

eight years was this giant field trip

3:40

Yeah. Of a loner sports fan

3:43

nerd. And everywhere I went

3:45

to do stand up, you you and

3:47

and Mitch Hedberg, you guys were like

3:49

the legends the

3:51

fucking stories of

3:53

all the shit, specifically you

3:56

and what you did in the comedy condos and

3:58

all of that.

3:58

Yeah. I remember last time I did your podcast, which

4:00

has been a long one of your podcast.

4:03

How many do you have now? I

4:05

I just have this one and then I do AA1

4:07

with Paul Versey. We just we just

4:09

tied stock with that when you

4:11

fund Yeah. I think one with Burton Eagles

4:14

over the commanders where

4:17

Eagles were unbeaten and you go, no.

4:19

Washington's gonna win this. Philly's gonna

4:21

screw it up so

4:22

badly. They're gonna lose to some and Schlub

4:25

divisional team. Yeah. I was bad this this

4:27

year. I was I was, you know, busy editing

4:29

something. So III didn't watch enough

4:31

of it this year. So very Verzi is the

4:33

one. Verzi beat the book two years

4:35

in a row. Nice.

4:39

Yeah. But Did

4:40

you you had one with Bert because I did

4:43

that

4:43

down. So Bert was the one that we did

4:45

during the quarantine. Yeah.

4:46

It was like during the quarantine, we're just sitting around

4:48

and missed friends all of that type of stuff. So

4:50

we were like, why don't we just a fact, that's another

4:52

one. Like, how did that even come together? Then it

4:55

came together and then the quarantine ends and then you get

4:57

busy again. It's just like It just got to the point.

4:59

I was like, I don't have time to

5:01

fucking do all of

5:02

this. Yeah. I wonder

5:03

how many podcasts that people

5:05

just invented during quarantine of are

5:07

gone now.

5:09

Yeah. But there was a lot. I like I like

5:11

but still fucking cooking. Didn't you have a

5:13

cooking show or something? Yeah.

5:15

Something's burning. I think the rumor

5:17

is he's still he's got more episodes and

5:19

he's got more episodes coming up. Who

5:22

will be burning more stuff. I

5:26

actually I actually

5:28

made my wife a grilled cheese sandwich when she came because

5:30

my wife was my wife was on the road. Right?

5:32

And she came back she was actually

5:34

just doing like a girl's trip, like, because I did a

5:36

golf trip with the guys. I

5:39

don't really even

5:39

golf. It's fine. In hilarious too. I'm the funniest

5:41

girl forever where, like, I take holes off. I

5:43

heard that podcast because -- Yeah. -- you're

5:46

with your guy there. This is

5:48

a Musolini?

5:49

No. Burtolini. For the

5:55

Mike Musolini. I kinda liked

5:57

that too. That's a fucking great one. Yeah.

6:00

But Hennigan said that yeah.

6:03

Your guy talked to Hennigan and said,

6:05

yeah, we were playing golf, and then on the way

6:07

back, he said, you dry because I get a podcast

6:09

and he said you just podcast right in your iPhone

6:11

and then send

6:12

it. Yeah. It's that easy. I I wish

6:14

I knew this simplest thing. No.

6:16

I think a big mistake that certain

6:18

people make is they try to make it

6:20

too big. And then it just becomes

6:23

like this giant pain in the ass

6:25

like, I never wanted guests. I do

6:27

it now. Now it's like fun because we actually

6:29

have a, you know, this setup. I don't have to deal with

6:31

anything, but, like, I just

6:34

did it. I did it first just as a way to, like, you

6:36

know, promote my dates, but I

6:38

didn't wanna deal with guests because I know, like,

6:41

do twenty minutes now. Can you do this?

6:43

I can't can we reschedule? It's just like

6:45

and my whole thing is, like, I didn't get in this

6:47

business to have a fucking job. Yeah. I

6:49

don't wanna start, like, working on,

6:52

like what mind me the beginning of taxi when

6:54

they would have the taxi schedule. Trying to figure

6:56

out when to send Jim out and whatever. It's like, I

6:58

don't wanna fucking deal with that too. And I just wanna

7:01

I just wanna, like, you know,

7:03

like like when I went golfing

7:05

with Bertolina, It was the last time I

7:07

was here, I was just like, you know, I was going

7:09

golfing with the buddy, man. I'm going. I'm going golfing

7:11

on Monday. I'm

7:13

like, wanna play hooky? He's like, yeah. Fuck

7:15

it. Let's do it. And it's just to be able to live

7:17

a life like that.

7:18

Now, get

7:18

about whether you make money or not. If you can actually

7:20

pay your bills and but you're living a life

7:22

where you could just

7:23

pay Yeah. You don't you budget shit. I

7:25

know. But I mean, even before I was doing a bunch

7:27

of shit, I could go see a Kansas

7:29

City royals game during the fucking day

7:32

where if they scored twelve runs What

7:35

was the one that wasn't Dunkin' Donuts? The crack

7:37

one? The other the other donut fucking thing.

7:40

Crispy cream. You win a dozen

7:42

Crispy creams. You win a dozen donuts

7:44

if the royals who absolutely fucking

7:47

sucked when I went. They they

7:49

wouldn't win like thirty games that year. If

7:51

they somehow score twelve runs against some

7:53

fucking team. Krispy Kreme

7:55

would give everybody a free dozen donuts. And

7:58

dude, they were it was like eleven to eight and

8:00

the fucking place was going nuts Like

8:02

George Brett was still there. And this guy

8:04

got up and hit, like, a blue signal or something they

8:06

scored. And it was Nike,

8:08

was ugly. You almost saw, like, how you

8:10

run for president. It's like, this

8:13

is not about the issues. It's what what?

8:15

Give me just give me some free shit.

8:17

That's gonna be gone in a half hour.

8:19

A guy like this guy gave me free donuts. I

8:21

mean, they were going fucking nuts.

8:23

No one was going like, what is baseball

8:26

at this point? We're fucking Boston and

8:28

New York just use our whole franchises like

8:30

a fucking farm team. They the second

8:32

you they they were mad about that. You gave him free

8:34

fucking donuts over. All was forgiven.

8:37

It was amazing. So anyway, my

8:39

wife was

8:39

coming. Coming

8:41

by just like doing that, like noose.

8:42

Well, what the jacket is. Yeah. It feels good. It feels

8:44

right. You feel like you know things. Yeah. My wife was

8:47

coming off the road and was fucking dead ass tired

8:49

and her flight got canceled. And

8:51

I hate coming back from the road to a quiet

8:53

house. I just fucking hate that shit so I

8:55

sucked it up and I was just like, you want some to eat?

8:57

You know, you wanna bath or something ready, you

8:59

know, just those types of things because I'm an asshole so

9:02

I gotta make sure I I build up once. Yeah.

9:04

Some frequent flyer miles that I

9:06

can use when I'm being a dick. So fucking

9:08

crush this grilled cheese sandwich, man. Kinda

9:12

too. It was crunchy. It's a whole

9:14

the whole fucking

9:15

deal. We so off the rails right now. We're actually

9:17

here to promote

9:19

Oh, yeah. No. That's what it is,

9:21

because you're steering this towards me, and then I'll

9:23

start talking. I know. No. Yeah.

9:26

I know what you're doing. You're one of the great

9:28

comics of all fucking time, and

9:30

you're going to one of the great countries and

9:32

continents in the lower

9:34

hemisphere. Yeah. Yeah. It's

9:35

summer there. I'm

9:37

such a pussy. I live in Arizona and,

9:40

you know, it Can I say where you're

9:42

going? First before you literally,

9:44

you're like, I never met a guy so anti

9:46

promoting himself at your

9:48

uncomfortable. Yeah. It's like a patrice

9:50

level. Doug's stand hope

9:53

who you must go see is gonna be touring

9:55

Australia. He's going down under

9:57

everybody. February

10:00

eighteenth to March third, got

10:02

some days off in the middle of this man knows how to

10:04

tour. Bridgeons, February

10:07

eighteenth, February twentieth, and Perth,

10:09

You gotta go visit Bon Scott's grave if you never

10:12

did that little

10:12

creature.

10:13

Seen as a statue there on the beach. Right?

10:15

Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. Sydney Australia,

10:17

not one, but two nights the North's

10:19

auditorium, February twenty fourth, twenty

10:21

fifth, twenty seventh, and is

10:23

it Canpara? I don't even remember. Canpara.

10:26

Where is that?

10:28

It's the it's it's South

10:30

Central, I believe. I mean,

10:31

for an American comedian, that's a pretty Isn't

10:34

that a

10:34

fair one?

10:35

That it's capital. Capital one. Australia.

10:39

It's not Sydney or Melbourne? No.

10:42

Oh, that's, like, how, like, Albany is the capital

10:44

of New York. Yeah. Alright. So they some great

10:46

shit was happening but not for a

10:48

while. Right. But, like, Ottawa is the capital

10:50

of Canada. It's, like, is it

10:54

I don't have a play out. Glory days.

10:57

Adelaide March first

11:00

March first Third, you'll be in Melbourne.

11:03

That's a fun city. Yeah. Melbourne's

11:05

a fun city. I went last time I think I went

11:07

there I just happened to go there

11:09

in the in the US open. I know,

11:11

like, Portland, Seattle where or

11:13

Austin maybe where it was really

11:16

cold in Seattle. Those things It might It's

11:18

been a while since I've been there, but it's like it's

11:21

not as hip as it pretends it is.

11:23

Like Austin, you know, they get

11:26

a lot It's snooty. I think

11:28

that's the place that you'd get in trouble for

11:30

saying shit if there is a place over

11:32

there. But I

11:33

know Isn't it wild? I I remember being

11:35

in Melbourne one point and

11:37

say it's saying how you're all racist

11:39

and they fucking

11:40

cheered. Like,

11:43

what? Wait, isn't

11:45

it kind of a weird thing how, like, when

11:47

we were young, older people

11:50

used to get offended. You if you pissed

11:52

up older people, you were in trouble, and the

11:54

older people were the establishment. And

11:56

now that we're old, it's like

11:59

younger people are the establishment. And then

12:01

the ones that can end your career. Like, this has

12:03

been a weird like, when do we get to be

12:05

the assholes going, like, hey, I don't

12:07

like what you just said there. That

12:09

offends me and my ball gender,

12:11

fucking universe. I actually

12:14

think that most of that is is complete horse shit

12:16

anyways. I think it's very small amount

12:18

of people. And

12:19

Yeah. But but

12:20

because that Well, I've been

12:22

People want the real shit.

12:24

I I always take off between Thanksgiving

12:26

and Super Bowl. And as I say

12:29

and how

12:29

You just be through January

12:31

first. Now you go all the way to the Super Bowl.

12:34

Well, III always have. Like, I I've

12:36

I've done the last couple years. I've done

12:38

New Year's Eve in Vegas. But

12:40

otherwise, thanksgiving through Super Bowl.

12:42

I want to play ops and shit and

12:46

It's fucking smart. But

12:48

now the my fucking house burned down.

12:50

Didn't burned down.

12:51

But anyway, you're telling me that.

12:52

So so I yeah. I've been living out

12:54

of hotels for the entire time. You you said

12:56

you you all

12:57

You had a fire, like electrical fire,

12:59

goddamn space heaters. Right?

13:01

Yeah. Yeah. So it was all burned

13:03

from this way. Sealing up.

13:05

All these canceled comedians and he can still

13:07

sell a space heater, you know. But

13:10

I had solar put in. So I'm like, fuck, I'm

13:12

gonna get bunch of space heaters. I'm not gonna use

13:14

gas. If I get free

13:15

electric, because I get solar. Well, I'll burn

13:17

the fucking roof down so now they have to take off

13:19

the solar paneling and then take off the

13:21

roof and rebuild the fucking So

13:23

this is still keeping a post. Doug

13:26

Stan Hope rants against solar

13:28

power.

13:29

Hashtag fuck you, Jimmy Carter. Point

13:32

is the so IIII

13:34

was gonna cancel Australia just because

13:36

the insurance has been just a fucking nightmare

13:38

to deal with. There's

13:39

been the worst. Yeah. I'm right.

13:41

What if I have to sign shit when I'm in Australia?

13:44

I mean, I go fuck it. It's summer

13:45

there. I don't Those guys are fucking criminals.

13:48

They're literally and criminals. And none

13:50

of those fuck all of these platforms are going

13:52

off right now trying like, fucking destroy people

13:54

in the individual's life. They

13:56

don't do shit to them. You can turn

13:58

the food supply into poison. You

14:00

can fucking get people addicted to heroin.

14:03

You can do whatever the fuck you want as long as you buy

14:05

commercial time. On those cuts fucking

14:07

channels CNN and and fuck dudes. And they don't

14:09

say a fucking word. But you're an individual --

14:11

Yeah. -- you get it. If you drive little man.

14:14

Have blanks the people sink and

14:16

your dick fell out of your slacks one

14:17

day. Forget it. You're going down. I I can't

14:19

go and

14:20

date far I'm quite

14:21

young. Down. Because

14:23

I first of all, they have

14:25

to deal first of all, they're gonna find someone

14:27

to work. I live in a small town where no one

14:29

wants to can

14:30

work. Right. It's like everyone's on disability or,

14:33

you know, social security or something. How

14:35

did you end up doing? It's a cool

14:37

down. I found when I was I had to leave

14:39

LA. I was fed up. Mhmm. And I

14:41

found this town that I'd gone back to

14:44

places killing time between gigs in Phoenix

14:46

and El Paso. I had three days off, so I just

14:48

driving around. And it's just such a

14:50

beautiful town. And there's five thousand people

14:53

And I love small

14:54

town. I love no traffic.

14:56

Amazing. Usually small town

14:58

means fucking hillbilly. You know,

15:00

Redneck. But this is kinda half our

15:02

see

15:02

half. He's still That's perfect. People

15:05

that have a sidearm in the fucking

15:07

convenience store. People that are in, like, spaceships.

15:09

Yeah. Exactly. mean, that's the balance, and he's on

15:11

a beautiful balance. Yeah.

15:14

So check with a red white check with

15:16

dreadlocks with a rainbow color in it. Because

15:19

I I can yeah. Those tones are

15:21

I'm not gonna say the name because it's I don't want a bunch of

15:23

people to move there on this guy, but I know a comedian that moved

15:25

downtown like that in a a Midwest

15:27

state. And you went out there and you're like, oh, this

15:30

is a this is nice little it

15:32

has that

15:32

She's your old guy. Well, it has that. Was he a

15:34

mayor at that time?

15:36

No. He's on Clint

15:37

Eastwood. No. I just think it drew Hastings.

15:39

He moved to some small Ohio

15:42

town, I

15:42

think. No. That's a main game. Mayor had

15:45

a scandal. Funny guy.

15:48

Had a scandal.

15:49

Okay.

15:49

I I forgot some days

15:51

some horror threw herself at him. I

15:54

did not catch

15:56

Some financial

15:57

tale is old as Ohio itself.

15:59

Commedia moves since a small town

16:02

becomes the mayor and has It just must

16:04

have been I just played Dayton, and I

16:06

guess it's a second It's a little

16:08

town. It's Yellow Springs, Ohio,

16:10

which is like thirty minutes. IIII

16:13

wanna go to Chappell's town

16:16

and just get a real estate

16:18

person to show me

16:19

around. Just for the rumors to spread.

16:21

While you're there, there's

16:23

a there's a farm there that

16:26

has, you know, to sustain the farm, not only

16:28

are they farming, they also have, like, a restaurant

16:30

in a dairy place. One of the greatest milkshakes

16:33

I've ever gotten in my fucking life. Like, you're literally

16:35

looking at the cows as you're drinking.

16:37

Tip you. You're glass to

16:39

him. I did his

16:41

COVID shows. I have thought about

16:43

that milkshake for fucking whole shit. I

16:45

mean, it was, like, two years

16:48

ago how was that? Twenty twenty or twenty twenty

16:50

one? I can't remember if if he had those

16:52

shows. I think it was the next year. I don't fucking remember.

16:54

I just remember that milkshake though.

16:56

I'm not a food guy like that, but there was place

16:58

we just hit in Nashville, Tennessee that

17:01

had the best breakfast taco I've ever

17:03

had. And for the rest of the tour,

17:05

every morning at breakfast we're going block.

17:08

Yeah. Chasing it. Yeah. Nothing.

17:10

And you're gonna tell us the worst.

17:13

What's the name of the place? Don't remember.

17:17

It's

17:17

remember the name of your milkshake place?

17:19

No. But it's the only giant barn with

17:21

rides. It has like a fucking water

17:24

slide next to some

17:25

cows. I wonder if you're in the Nashville

17:27

Japanese condo, look for breakfast tacos

17:30

near me, and it's the closest one.

17:32

Okay.

17:32

Yeah. That's how I found it. Yeah.

17:34

Because the wooden fuck has tacos in Nashville?

17:37

I've but they're not

17:39

as rare as you think, but it's

17:41

not like main

17:44

Main actually had a decent burrito when I went there

17:46

one time in Portland. Alright. How

17:48

fucking old are we? I'll

17:49

tell you it has a good cup of coffee. Grand

17:52

Rapids, Michigan. They got lunch

17:54

counter and I was special. If

17:56

you walk in there and you have funny bone

17:59

passes into sport coat. I like what we're both dressing

18:01

like eighties comics. I I did a thing

18:03

the other night. I just decided I was gonna

18:05

dress like the comedians that inspired

18:07

me. I'll of those eighties comics

18:09

for better and for worse. A lot of them

18:12

because they were funny. And then towards the end,

18:14

they gave me, like, well, I could fucking do that.

18:16

Jesus Christ. You know when that

18:18

person was

18:19

on, you know? Yeah. What's more

18:21

inspiring is watch watching really

18:23

great comedy that you wanna get that good

18:25

or just watching real shit

18:28

comedy where you

18:29

go. I don't have to try that out. I when you

18:31

start, I think before when you're trying to get

18:33

the courage to start, I I felt it was a combination

18:35

of both. Watching these amazing

18:37

comics being like, oh, man, I must some

18:40

may I I mean, you know, just something about draws

18:42

you to it and you some crazy

18:44

reason think that you can do it. And then when

18:46

you watch bad comedy, you're

18:48

like, you know, because see the gray comic,

18:50

you're like, how the fuck do you how is he so relaxed? How

18:52

do you do that shit? But then when you see the bad one,

18:54

you're like, 0II can I

18:55

mean, I could do that and he got on fucking TV

18:57

shit? Maybe I could Maybe I could try to

18:59

never watch comedy. I don't know how much

19:02

you do, but I did because I don't want

19:04

my fucking brains leaky enough and spongy

19:06

from alcoholism. So I don't

19:08

wanna, you know -- Mhmm. -- get that thing

19:10

in my head --

19:12

Yeah. -- and then say it -- Yes. -- you wanna go.

19:14

-- quote in around thinking it's funny references. Yeah.

19:16

That's why I kinda stopped doing that. My thing

19:18

is for some reason, if I watch somebody

19:21

at a club, it doesn't stick.

19:23

It doesn't stick in there. But if I watch it on TV,

19:26

if sit down and watch a special, I

19:28

think it gets lost in my brain

19:30

with, oh, I saw this on TV and this is an

19:32

okay reference. Like, I'm making fun of

19:34

law and order or something like

19:35

that. Yeah.

19:36

Like, I can watch, like, a Maria Bam aford,

19:38

where I know she's not gonna say anything

19:40

that we Yes. Yes. So original. But

19:42

during quarantine, I I started watching,

19:44

like, some of the new guys that I hear about

19:47

and

19:49

But a lot of the like, my peers, I'm like,

19:51

I hope this is mediocre. Right.

19:55

It's kinda I don't need you a lot for this.

19:57

Yeah. Yeah. I don't watch I

19:59

don't watch much of it. I watch old movies.

20:01

For old movies, Samiya, like in like seventies

20:04

and stuff. I was telling you earlier, I'm kinda on this

20:06

Bert Reynolds kick. And tonight,

20:09

I'm watching some movie I'm kind of a movie

20:11

night I watch with some buddies in mind. And

20:14

I think we're gonna watch this Billy the Kid movie

20:17

that has, like, James Coburn in it or something

20:19

like that. We like James Coburn. It's a

20:21

shit. So I I kinda do that.

20:23

And then what happens is is the

20:26

world keeps moving

20:27

on. I think it's part of being old. Part of

20:29

being oldest, you should not know what's

20:31

going on. Right? I've While

20:34

while you lecture people younger than

20:36

I believe everybody has a fuck an opinion.

20:38

Twitter's ruined because it's just everyone's

20:41

got an opinion about every fucking

20:43

thing. And so, no, it's it's beautiful

20:45

to not know what's going on. Yes.

20:48

No, it is. It is. It's nice. Medical apathy.

20:50

That's what I did. At what say though, there

20:52

there are, for as much as this becca, there's a lot of

20:54

funny people. On Twitter

20:56

and on Instagram. This is fucking hilarious

20:59

shit on Instagram. And

21:01

I feel like I feel like Twitter is harder because you have

21:03

to do it with your words where

21:05

Instagram is, you know, but that doesn't art to that

21:07

too. But, like, of course, can't think of anything.

21:10

There's been shit that, like, people write

21:12

to me on

21:15

on my Twitter when I look at it, and

21:17

I fucking burst out laughing. Like, if it's just

21:19

that right level of mean and funny,

21:21

it just now they have reason to try to write me

21:23

twice. You know what? The old

21:25

movie I watched that I really remembered

21:27

almost none of was fucking

21:30

network. Is -- Yeah.

21:32

so good and so, like,

21:35

relevant to today, so

21:37

goods. I've seen a movie twice and I kind of forget

21:39

it too other than when he he's I'm mad as

21:41

hell, and I haven't taken anymore. I remember

21:44

that. And then I combine it with that guy who

21:46

shot himself in the mouth on TV.

21:47

Yeah. Like Bud. Wait. Fire. Yeah. Did

21:49

that happen on YouTube or is that

21:52

a network? It all just starts, like,

21:54

blending together. I don't know.

21:56

But would tell you, you know, I

21:58

really enjoy

22:01

whatever the whatever part of my life

22:03

this is. I been enjoying the hell

22:05

out of it where Well, you do shit. Like, you fucking

22:09

you fly helicopters for fuck sake.

22:11

I know. It's I don't do anything. Like, I took

22:13

it last time we were in Australia, Hennigan

22:15

knows a guy down there that has

22:18

a helicopter and has his gorgeous restaurant,

22:20

but it's a little but any flew us from

22:22

whatever Adelaide, I think, to

22:24

the coast where his restaurant was, and

22:27

by I'm hugely afraid

22:29

of heights, and I'm very claustrophobic. So

22:32

I was, like, two of my biggest fears --

22:34

Perfect. -- in one. And so I,

22:36

you know, had few belts beforehand,

22:39

and it was boring as shit. I

22:41

was prepared to be terrified.

22:43

Like, y'all get materialized. Good.

22:45

Nothing else and I'm like, no, that's a good thing. That means

22:47

that guy flew you nice and safe.

22:49

Yeah. And was kinda hoping he'd go

22:51

fucking low and slow over the rice patties

22:53

with a fucking God. You

22:55

asked him till he probably would have. I

22:58

think he goes slow. I think he you gotta

23:00

keep your air speed so you can enter

23:02

a flame. I'm gonna be a dick. But, like, yeah,

23:04

something like that. Yeah. I've flown with guys

23:06

like that. I've flown with guys. There's two types of guys. Guys, I just

23:09

wanna fly around and the guys wanna do shit. And

23:11

guys don't wanna do shit. It's just like,

23:13

you realize you're doing shit and I'm

23:15

here. Right? Don't I get a say in that?

23:17

Like, watch this. Is

23:22

one of those things. I flew out of this guy.

23:24

Yeah. I wanna fucking Robert DuVoll from

23:26

apocalypse now. Alright. Well, I know

23:28

a guy that has one of those helicopters.

23:32

I've got to fly it and, you

23:34

know, briefly and he was flying it.

23:36

And then the guy that he flies with he

23:38

went totally apocalypse now. We were out

23:40

in the desert, and he was just

23:42

fucking hauling ass about

23:45

like it felt like ten feet off the

23:46

ground. And I'm just

23:48

thinking like, that's that's

23:51

like, have you ever flown yourself

23:53

to a gig? No.

23:55

Because it's it's just too much

23:59

Pretension.

24:00

Pretension. Yeah. Atlanta top of

24:02

an improv. No. I I Good

24:05

night, everybody. You

24:08

know, they're might be up, like, one of me and

24:11

Patrice were getting sick of the road. We were somehow

24:13

riffing one night, and we came up with

24:15

the fact, like, what if you were a superhero and

24:18

you still were a stand up comedian. You

24:21

didn't stop crime or anything. You were stand up comedian.

24:23

It's a great thing. You could fly yourself home every

24:25

night. You just be like, everybody.

24:28

Okay. I remember what I said. think that was him.

24:30

He probably said that. I was saying how

24:32

I wanna have, like, enough money to have

24:34

a helicopter. And as I'm doing my

24:36

closing bid, like like a hook comes

24:39

down and I just put one foot on.

24:41

I just wave and they take me up

24:43

and I'm in the helicopter and he just cruise me

24:45

over to the airport, and I'm fucking out of there.

24:47

And that's what we started riffing on. And then

24:49

some I forget it was probably no one it was probably

24:51

him because that's really funny idea. It was that

24:53

he was based would be a superhero in

24:56

any instead of a sport

24:58

coat, you have a cape. You guys

25:00

have been great. I mean, which is flimes every

25:02

night. Even if you doing a week at a funny

25:04

bone. You could just fly yourself home to

25:07

your lair or whatever the fuck you

25:09

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28:53

Your fortress

28:54

Sorry. Sorry. Took off,

28:55

but IIII saw some

28:57

clip of you when you had pneumonia where

28:59

you had the same cough, so I'm

29:01

sure you Oh, yeah. That that was not

29:03

AII had such a cough like

29:07

You know, like, your hair hurts. Yeah.

29:09

You know that? That's what it felt like. I don't have any hair on

29:11

my head. I'm going, what is this? And then the doctor

29:13

told me, I said, when you cough that much

29:16

you know, I don't know what I don't know what he

29:18

said. I was just like Yeah. I think I I had

29:20

two hernias, and they said it's likely

29:22

from coughing, from forty years of

29:24

smoking. Offing at night and

29:27

blew out my guts. I

29:30

gotta That's not possible. A

29:33

smoker's cough can act like you picked up a

29:35

piano after a while? Yeah.

29:37

It it it can get pretty violent.

29:40

Like,

29:41

if you if you get sick and your smoke

29:43

the fucking cuff link -- Alright. -- for a

29:45

month or two. Alright. Has

29:47

your coughing

29:50

fits your smoker's cough? Has it ever set off

29:52

a car along or a household. That's

29:54

what I'm just picturing.

29:56

You coughing like as loud as De Niro was

29:58

laughing in Cape Fear when he was behind those people.

30:01

Never seen out. That's another one I've never seen.

30:04

Yeah. That's another old movies I fucking

30:06

hate. Like, I would never watch gone with

30:08

the wind or anything like that. No. Most of the

30:10

ones that they recommend -- Yeah. --

30:13

multi's Falcon is great. Alright. And

30:15

what's his face? What does Peter Peter

30:18

Laurie Dude, if you watch him trying to

30:20

steal this scene from Humphrey Bogart,

30:23

the shit the business he's doing, he has

30:25

this cane. And he's tapping

30:27

it on the floor. He's spinning it. He's looking

30:30

at it and shit. And and Boingo

30:32

is just sitting there being him. He

30:34

doesn't he, you know, he doesn't quite

30:36

pull his focus, but like it's you know, and

30:38

I remember just like watching that and it just

30:40

cracked me up going like, man, that shit

30:42

has been going on forever.

30:45

Like, actors trying to do things stage

30:47

each other? Yeah. Like, they do shit. It's funny

30:49

because comedians we have, like, this really bad reputation

30:51

being like, you know, they're often themselves and it's really cutthroat

30:54

and all of that type of shit. And we're

30:56

really just kind of hanging out breaking each other's balls.

30:58

I mean, it's definitely a couple of lunatics. I'm not seeing all

31:00

actors like this, but that is like a thing.

31:02

Like, there's a famous one that I saw.

31:04

I mean, it's a story. I can't confirm it.

31:07

But in the the Magnificent Seven,

31:10

when Steve McQueen and Yule Brenner

31:12

are riding that that little wagon with the body

31:15

in the back, up the street and there's all of these fucking

31:17

guys that say, I forget why. If you went up

31:19

there, they might maybe we're gonna get shot. Steve

31:23

McQueen is loading a shotgun and

31:25

you'll Brenna's like doing his lines of something

31:27

and he starts shaking the

31:29

little whatever he called the bullet thing and then

31:31

listening to the pellets or whatever. And you see

31:33

you, Brenna, literally, gives him a look,

31:36

which I always took it as a

31:38

kid. Like, he was looking at him, like, let's do this shit.

31:40

And they were he was fucking pissed at him

31:43

that he was, like, trying to, like and so I'm doing

31:45

my lines. I had somebody one time, like, fucking

31:49

they're coming around and it's my

31:51

coverage. And they are a improv, then I played with

31:53

them and everything, and they came around in my

31:55

coverage. And this person is still improvbing

31:58

doing different shit and it's and they're

32:00

stepping on my lines and they're

32:02

sentencing me to ADR and all of this

32:04

shit and not fucking work with me. And I just

32:06

wanted to be like, buddy, they got your

32:08

shit already. Like, I what are

32:10

you trying to do now? And it's like, it was one of those things

32:12

where it's like, you've done this shit enough that

32:15

you know what the fuck you're doing? I've had that

32:17

happen on I did a number of times.

32:21

very small part. They get cut. Thank

32:23

God. From Chris Rock movie.

32:25

What

32:25

do you mean that, God? I got this thing here. That's

32:27

the Where from Where

32:28

where you are you are voted actor

32:31

of the fucking year? What is it? Where is that?

32:33

It's I got the

32:34

room. Hey. Anything. But but this was

32:36

this was

32:37

Chris Rock's movie. I forget what it was

32:39

called. It had every comic Best

32:41

actor, Doug stand hope And

32:43

how can I say the name?

32:44

Yeah. Yeah. The road

32:45

dog. Doug stand hope. Double

32:48

threat. You do tap dance here. We can

32:50

we can

32:51

one movie. It made it to one festival

32:53

and I won one award and I'm quitting.

32:56

There you

32:56

go. But to Chris Rock talk thing.

32:59

I had a

32:59

top five. I loved that movie. Yeah. I I

33:01

was playing a a cop, and then I

33:03

I had a couple lines, and I I was

33:05

there for, like, fucking fourteen hours

33:08

and they just kept, sorry about this. We're gonna

33:10

push your scene as later. And

33:12

then it then I got in there and he goes, Yeah.

33:14

Just just rip with it. Like,

33:17

I memorized my lines. I have

33:19

nothing to

33:19

rip. Not a riffing guy. You

33:22

didn't say what? Did you? No. I

33:24

tried and failed. What is what I did

33:26

is I I looked like an asshole. But

33:28

no, you don't. You just

33:30

Well, you

33:30

can make the movie. Well, I mean,

33:32

that probably has nothing to do with that. And

33:34

I was supposed to be racist. I think

33:36

I was I had to say the n word and

33:39

I'm like, that's just very uncomfortable

33:41

for

33:41

me. It's

33:42

not you saying it's I know. But it is you

33:44

gotta lead into it. Yeah. But

33:45

then when not if you're when you're ad

33:47

libbing, you go, okay. This might sound like

33:49

it came from me. Oh, man. Why

33:51

would I wouldn't add Living Edward. Dude,

33:54

I would do the scripted Edward.

33:56

Well, this step my rules to this shit. Exactly.

33:59

So it was very busy. He hadn't lived anywhere

34:01

there. That ain't that ain't gonna be good. But So

34:04

you got it. You got

34:04

it. You know?

34:05

Do you even know you lost the roof on your house?

34:08

Yes. So if you're an award you are an award

34:11

winning actor. Exactly. And that's

34:13

why I get this

34:14

offer. It's not a big budget picture.

34:17

You probably won't see it in theaters. It's gonna

34:19

be in this film fest of all is Hollywood

34:21

independent real independent film fed

34:23

Is

34:23

it gonna

34:24

be out here? At the end of the month. Yeah. They don't

34:26

announce

34:26

lease taxes

34:27

right now. I'll go see what the date is.

34:29

I'll go I Excellent. Yeah. No. I would

34:31

appreciate a retweet because I I did

34:33

it as aark. It was five weeks last

34:36

year in Chicago. I'm like, I'm not

34:38

going to the fucking Chicago. I'm not actor

34:40

first of all. Right. I'm not gonna freeze my

34:42

balls off of five weeks in the worst

34:44

place.

34:44

You did it, but what happened? And I did. And,

34:46

yeah, then hadn't heard a thing about it, and

34:48

then then all of a sudden, oh, yeah, you're gonna

34:51

win best

34:51

actor. What? Fuck. There

34:53

you go. There

34:53

you go. Look at

34:54

that as one you are an Yeah. And I'm a movie

34:56

star because I

34:57

hear a

34:57

star wars movie, an award

34:59

winning movie.

35:00

See, that's the thing. Anybody can come into a scene --

35:02

Right.

35:03

-- and get the little best supporting little

35:05

fucking little two shoe thing

35:07

you did there. Right? But you you actually you gotta carry

35:09

them when you put that movie on

35:10

your phone I played the UK, the

35:12

party gave

35:13

us some edibles, and we

35:15

decided to travel with them when we're flying

35:17

to Glasgow. So I'm also an international

35:20

drug mugler, award winning

35:22

movie star.

35:23

Wait. When did you consume every

35:25

night of the UK tour? Oh, so you brought it with

35:27

you. Yeah. He gave us a giant bag on

35:29

one of the first

35:30

names. If you were a woman,

35:31

you would have got arrested like that woman in the W

35:33

NBA. But because if you're privileged, who

35:36

people who bring drugs to other countries are

35:38

fucking

35:38

idiots. This was from, you know,

35:40

London to Glasgow. On

35:43

a yeah. Fucking idiot. Why would you do

35:45

the

35:45

cookies? There were cookies. I don't even know the laws.

35:47

Okay. Can I tell can I tell you something? I don't even know the laws

35:49

of this country. Everybody acts like they do. You don't know

35:51

what the fucking laws are. I don't know. I might go into

35:53

some other country. They

35:55

can battle me in fucking

35:57

public.

35:57

Well, to be error. Tied me to a fence

35:59

postcode. Be fair. Yeah. Hennigan carried them.

36:01

So But I was a mastermind of

36:04

the Huge piece of shit. You know? I remember

36:06

a long time ago, I used to work in a warehouse,

36:08

and it was this guy always had a new car. Right?

36:11

And he was like ten years old and then us,

36:13

and we used to go out drinking. And then when

36:15

we'd be done drinking, hey, you wanna take a first spin?

36:17

We'd be like, no. He would have

36:19

us basically drive drug

36:21

calm, Moe stood the way, so

36:24

he could get home for free. That's

36:26

what remember. But you know what's funny about that is I didn't

36:29

figure that out till, like, twenty years later. You know what

36:31

I mean? Sit down

36:31

thinking, mom. Wait a minute. That

36:34

guy didn't want me to drive his Mercury cougar

36:36

because he liked me.

36:40

He was worried he was gonna get pulled, though. He was

36:42

trying to sober up and make me

36:44

drive most of the

36:46

guys You know, when you look back at stuff,

36:48

like, when to I hate to even

36:51

say cancel culture, but when

36:53

you do that inventory of your

36:55

life, like, all horrible shit you

36:57

did. How drunk you drove at

36:59

points that,

37:00

like, shit you should actually

37:02

be ashamed for doing. I

37:04

never did that. I

37:06

got drunk, I drove my cell phone. I

37:08

didn't make somebody else fucking do it.

37:10

Yeah. Yeah. That's that's somebody else who's drunk.

37:12

But I'm saying just driving drunk at

37:15

Oh, dude. I've I've driven drunk probably twelve

37:17

hundred times.

37:18

Yeah. They

37:19

say you

37:19

have to do it like seven hundred times to get caught

37:22

and then I got caught and then I didn't do it.

37:24

Oh, you did? For a while. I

37:26

get out. didn't do it for a while and then, like,

37:28

you know, a little while goes by. It's

37:31

like, kickin' heroin. He's

37:32

like, alright. Get it done. Right? Then you go fucking do

37:34

smacks.

37:35

Yeah. IIII had No. Once you know

37:37

it was it was easy because I I started comedy

37:39

and and all the guys named Patrice

37:41

Robert Kelly, none of them drank. So I was just like, alright.

37:43

I mean, I just kinda do what people you know,

37:45

I don't have original thoughts. I just do whatever but he

37:47

rarely does. And then I moved to New York, work.

37:50

And it was like you couldn't drink and drive because

37:52

I couldn't afford a fucking car. So -- Yeah. -- and I

37:54

wasn't really drinking that much. It was when

37:56

it came to LA the first time in the nineties that

37:58

I was in yet fucking drive everywhere. And

38:00

it was like, you'd have a couple of beers, you

38:03

know. But I I never drove like hammered.

38:06

Not remember I might I might have had it. I

38:08

I was I lived out of my car for three

38:10

years and just a

38:12

a lot of cars, all piece of shit cars and

38:14

one of breakdown and I buy another four hundred

38:16

dollar car. But I I

38:18

got to a point where I get a Colorado license

38:21

because my license was expiring. So

38:23

I just got Oh, I'm in Colorado, you get

38:25

it the same day. So I got it there. I had

38:27

New Mexico plates and Oregon

38:30

insurance. There's that sport coat on,

38:32

and then he get pulled over into

38:35

my mullet ears. And I got pulled over in

38:37

Minneapolis, and I

38:39

I was I was pretty shitfaced. And

38:41

I gave him all my

38:42

stuff, and he's like, why do you have?

38:44

Like, you're gonna start at this batch.

38:46

I go, because I'm a road comic and

38:48

you could just see him calculating

38:51

the amount of paperwork you'd have

38:53

to do for all this, and he's just

38:55

just just get home safe. Oh,

38:58

wow. Dude, I

39:00

saw one recently on Instagram

39:02

where the guy tried to fucking

39:04

send this guy home, just get home safe.

39:06

Right? For people, they animate

39:08

these cops pulling over people. And he

39:10

goes, alright, just get home because he admitted, you know, yeah, I

39:12

had a couple drinks, whatever. He goes, alright. Do me a favor. He goes,

39:15

just drive up there, make that right park your car

39:17

and walk home because I'm doing a solid.

39:19

He goes, alright. And then

39:21

he goes, wait a minute. He goes, what's my wallet?

39:24

Because I gave it back to

39:25

you. He goes, no, you didn't. You fucking piece of

39:27

shit, and he started knocking me.

39:31

Then he got his dumbass arrested. He

39:33

was out of it. The fucking guy was out

39:35

of it. So

39:37

I don't know. Yeah. I guess. I I guess. I

39:40

I when I I read the like, the

39:42

story like the kids fucking hucking

39:44

rocks over and overpass. And,

39:46

you know, one of one of them goes through a windshield

39:49

and kills a lady.

39:50

Like, how many times was I was

39:52

that kind of kid. I was that fucking He's for

39:54

shit on the train tracks. Right.

39:56

Yeah. And they have try I had a kid live

40:00

down the street from him and we put a a office

40:02

desk on the train train. Then

40:06

he used to climb up the tower. And

40:08

the guy'd be blowing the fucking horn. They would be

40:10

going like that. You know, by the time, it was just one of those

40:13

things. There was just no cameras and shit.

40:15

He put, like, a sofa on there. I

40:18

mean, it was no match for the train. It could

40:20

destroy, like, a fucking it

40:22

was just amazing. What was weird was we were on,

40:25

like, the the desk

40:27

flying side of it was really

40:28

stupid. We but none of us were doing well in

40:30

physics. So Do you know Glenn Woll?

40:34

No. Robert Wolf. Glenn Wolf. He said

40:36

comic. He's a Canadian lives in

40:38

London, England, New

40:40

Mexico license. But

40:41

we're we're yeah. We're in we're in

40:43

London, and we're said pre Airbnb,

40:46

but it was basically an Airbnb that were

40:48

put up in. And it was, I don't know, three

40:50

or four stories up and it had we're on

40:52

the roof. We have the outdoor smoking

40:54

patio

40:55

there. And we were -- Nice. -- fucking hammered, and

40:57

I'm sure there's probably some coke involved. I

40:59

don't know. But

41:01

you wanna keep drinking. And you gotta do the Coke.

41:03

Like trash over there is impossible. They don't

41:05

have trash cans in the street because evidently

41:08

they blew them up back when there is terrorism

41:10

or So hard. Oh, is that

41:12

what that is? So I have all this trash

41:14

that's accumulated, and

41:16

we're fucking hammered and start

41:19

throwing our trash off the

41:21

top of this apartment

41:24

building into the fucking sidewalk,

41:26

like, four in the morning because we're above all the

41:28

CCTV cameras. And

41:31

will cut the nice day go. I I could

41:33

have killed someone. Yeah.

41:36

And I I don't have the excuse if I'm a juvenile

41:38

delinquent. I'm in my fucking forties.

41:41

Large. That'd be trash bags

41:44

full of fucking beer

41:45

balls. Oh, no. Street.

41:47

Yeah. Jesus Doug.

41:49

Yeah. And you think I'm gonna

41:51

bring a worry about being you have a pressure

41:53

in a

41:53

I got a

41:54

job twenty. To go. I got one

41:56

of the hosts. We

41:59

used to get hammered down at Fannie Mae Hall.

42:02

Right. And was his fire escape. We would

42:04

climb up me me in this body

42:06

of mind. And we would go up there and talk

42:08

about life. We call it the roof roof.

42:10

And you go up there and you'd have to say what was on any

42:12

life, you know? Fucking, you know, some chick broke.

42:15

Yeah. How old are you? Twenties.

42:17

Alright. And we always

42:19

looked down. There was this skylight at the top of this

42:21

a staircase of a lower building. And

42:24

we'll make you just up there. Go

42:26

to, what did you come? How much did you give me if I throw a fucking

42:28

bottle right through that thing? And

42:33

we didn't do it, and then we just kept every night

42:35

that we and every time we go up there and then eventually

42:37

one of us through

42:38

it, I can't remember I

42:39

think it was the other guy. I don't remember.

42:41

It I I don't know if it went through, but I was just

42:43

thinking what if some woman was coming up there and it

42:46

came through

42:46

glass, cut her face. It's just fucking

42:49

idiot. When we were I was probably, like,

42:51

eleven, maybe ten, eleven, twelve,

42:53

but my brother got his first b

42:55

b gun. And our parents went out left us

42:57

alone at home with a baby god. So we

42:59

lived right in the Paxton, Massachusetts, right

43:02

in the town square. So we're trying to

43:04

shoot the liquor store sign from across

43:06

the street because we're right there. And and

43:08

I was like, well, our parents are getting close to

43:10

getting home. So we're

43:13

on the the whatever you call

43:15

the fucking roof

43:17

of the

43:19

the sun room, I guess, you'd

43:21

call it.

43:22

In all of his son-in-law. It's

43:24

not called his son-in-law, but it's that crazy

43:26

way. A fucking Florida

43:28

room.

43:29

You know,

43:29

it's a matched. But it's Look at him agreeing

43:31

with you when you Anyway,

43:32

the porting We're on a fucking roof, and my brother

43:34

has eight pumps in it, and he just does

43:36

this to shoot the has bullet pulling

43:38

and trying to keep

43:39

everybody at cool. Yeah.

43:42

Yeah. This is what you did before the Internet

43:44

everybody. This is why video games and

43:46

the Internet are a good thing because I think it kinda

43:48

keeps people

43:49

but then they escalate it. Right? Then they reenact

43:51

the game and they go down to a mall and fucking shoot everybody.

43:54

I No. I don't know what

43:55

they do. Like, our our, like, low level

43:57

terrorism. Tariffs are You know what the worst

44:00

thing about Tariffs are is it doesn't

44:02

fucking work, and then they always take now

44:04

we gotta spend nine hours at the fucking airport

44:06

and there's no trash cans and

44:07

fucking. That that's what she accomplished. You

44:10

made the coverage Joe's life even more fucking

44:12

miserable because there's there's nothing you can yeah.

44:14

But that guy does walk down the street in London

44:16

and go see that no trash

44:18

cans? That was me. Yeah. That

44:20

was me. All the pollution

44:23

goes right in the fucking gutter. That was

44:25

me. You smell that. Doesn't

44:28

make it's actually rebelling

44:30

against a queen. She

44:34

never heard about her. I

44:36

love that you're trying to take out the queen so

44:39

you blow up trash cans. Like, she's anywhere

44:41

near a fucking like, they never seem

44:43

to get the people that they're upset with.

44:45

Yeah. It just has to be just a

44:47

bunch of fucking regular people. YOU

44:50

KNOW? I THINK PEOPLE WOULD

44:52

LIKE TERRORIST A LOT MORE IF THEY

44:54

ACCASANALLY HIT THEIR TARGETS. Reporter:

44:56

WELL, WHAT MURDER IS, I REMEMBER

44:59

did a bit about it. I think that where

45:02

there's a a it was one of the cop killings

45:05

Mhmm. -- where they had killed a

45:07

black guy. Oh, on our black

45:09

guy. And then as

45:11

as Baton Rouge and then, like,

45:13

that that same week, some

45:15

black guy came out and killed a couple of cops

45:18

or three cops or something. I go, well,

45:20

that would have worked out if, like, you

45:22

killed the actual cop that killed

45:24

the on our black

45:25

guy. Yeah. Then the whole world would go.

45:27

It worked out. Yeah.

45:28

Because for all you know, you just killed three

45:31

cops that were actually good guys. Yeah. Yeah.

45:33

If you actually got the one that pulled the trigger,

45:36

then it's a wash.

45:37

Emotions. Yeah. No. Emotions, they run

45:39

high next thing, you know, you're blowing shit. I don't

45:41

think it's more off. It's

45:43

laziness. I'm just gonna kill whoever

45:46

I see first.

45:46

Yeah. I don't have time to try to find the cop

45:49

that actually did it. Right. Yeah.

45:52

Not really all guilty of that. Won't

45:54

you sit

45:54

down? Yeah. That was, you know, what it was? Like, there's, you know,

45:56

to get this murder that went out and

45:58

just killed people at most people

46:01

would agree to deserve being murdered,

46:03

and then they'd build a statue of

46:05

you. Well, that kid in Wisconsin, you know, one

46:07

of the people killed was child unless That

46:10

was one of the few.

46:11

Yeah. That red house kid. That was one

46:13

of the few we were like.

46:14

Was that publicized? Yeah. Well, I mean,

46:16

not initially. Not initially.

46:19

When initially, it was, like, you know, like, all of

46:21

that shit happens, like, people wanna get rid of guns.

46:23

Guys, leave that detail out. Like, everybody

46:26

spinning it. That was what was so funny about

46:28

that one guy's show where he would be

46:29

like, there's a no spin zone. It's

46:31

like, don't we all do that? Yes. We all

46:33

do it. It's just like It isn't possible. If

46:35

if you wanna go somewhere, you

46:37

say, come on. It's only, like, twenty minutes away.

46:39

And if you don't, you gotta fuck. It's, like, half

46:42

an hour. I don't want Yeah. You think I didn't

46:44

just hand select the dirtbag

46:46

stories I wanted to tell you from my past.

46:50

They're gonna tell you all my drunken fucking

46:52

escapades and fucking driving like an asshole.

46:55

Are you drinking lately? No. I

46:58

quit in twenty at the end of twenty

47:00

eighteen. I got kids do just just

47:02

just something about being

47:05

drunk and Do you know how

47:07

many facts I got okay. I I had

47:09

to stop listening to your podcast years

47:11

ago because you did not get any facts

47:13

from my podcast. Just little things.

47:15

Like, you you yeah. You supposedly, if

47:18

you quit drinking for, like, forty

47:19

days, your liver regenerates. Just

47:21

little things like that that I take is medical

47:24

fact. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No. No. I I've never

47:26

done the full fact. I don't even know if

47:28

that's But you said it. Lens is

47:30

it? I had to stop. Because we would

47:32

say senate, but I said there were, like, a medical

47:34

degree, but I know that's what I'm I'm

47:36

I'm aware of that. But if if it's not

47:39

college that you wanna

47:40

hear, it's factual. There

47:42

you go. Yeah. But what it what what

47:44

my my disclaimer on my podcast is

47:46

when I read out

47:47

loud. And then it's like, if you're listening

47:49

to anything that I say, if you listen to me fucking

47:51

read out loud, that's definitely I always

47:54

also use that. When I try

47:56

to free form some ad, ads

47:58

from my podcast. My fucking producer

48:00

goes mental, like, no, just read what's on the

48:02

paper because we've gotten fired from

48:05

some some companies. There's so

48:07

what? But for really funny shit. Yes. And

48:09

I'm like, I always use you. Like,

48:11

fucking Billburger. I said, you know,

48:13

it's partially famous for fucking up

48:15

the what was What's Sheriff's Sheriff's

48:17

Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's

48:18

Sheriff. Sheriff's Sheriff's. Sheriff's Sheriff. Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff. Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's Sheriff's

48:20

Sheriff. Sheriff's Sheriff and they wanted me to take that down. And I just didn't and I was like,

48:22

I didn't say, no. I just didn't respond to him, and

48:24

then they sold way more. And then all then the halfway through the

48:26

week, they spun it around. Yeah. And

48:28

then then I did another reading. I pissed them off

48:30

again. Right? No.

48:33

They they they kept coming back.

48:34

They did. Yes. Yeah. That was

48:36

The one and done one was They

48:38

nature's box. I read it as Nature box. I

48:40

said, oh, you're going down on mother

48:42

nature. And that was a fucking healthy

48:44

snacks and build those on me. Let's just go eat an apple.

48:46

And Oh, they were right the door.

48:51

Let's just remember that. Well, who needs a

48:53

shit. Oh, this is all sugar. Oh, then you're gonna get

48:55

hungry again. He's just fucking land

48:56

based. Yeah. Yeah. Every once in a while, you

48:59

gotta burn a sponsor. That's

49:01

what that's what we've had. One was the

49:03

the one of the sheets. Brooklyn

49:06

and Brooklyn and sheets. AND

49:08

THEY SAY IT'S STARTED BY THIS COUPLE,

49:10

WHATEVER THEIR NAME IS IN THE Ad COPY.

49:13

SO EVERY TIME WE'D MAKE UP THESE

49:15

FANTASTS to go situations about

49:17

how like their friends of ours, yeah,

49:19

Roy and Janice or whatever their fucking name

49:21

is, you know what? One night, They

49:23

got into domestic, and he

49:26

hit her over the head with his statue. Thought

49:29

he killed her. Now he's Chad

49:31

my buddy Chad is helping him move the

49:33

body. And then all

49:35

of a sudden starts kicking. They're

49:38

they dug a hole they're about to put

49:40

her in. She was just knocked out. And

49:42

you know what? The Brooklyn and Sheets, the

49:44

blood came right out of them. Yes.

49:47

But it was so creative. But

49:49

here's the thing, though. Fired. People

49:51

would buy it then in. They're also, like, they would

49:53

look forward to the

49:54

ads. They wouldn't fast forward through them.

49:56

And they obviously know that that never

49:59

happened. Yeah. But it's not

50:01

it's not those two people that hurt it.

50:03

It's the fucking ad company. I

50:05

I shit all over an audible

50:07

read, got fired, just

50:10

saying, like, this this

50:12

read is embarrassing to this product because,

50:14

know, audiobooks kept me alive

50:17

on the road and I'm not reading this and I

50:19

gave my own beautiful

50:21

reason for why you should use Audible.

50:23

And but no. It's because

50:25

they got a bit on the ad copy because

50:27

they wrote they wrote They wrote

50:28

it. And they wrote

50:29

embarrassing shit in in

50:31

total. I'm gonna promote

50:32

Audible anyway because I have fucking three books

50:34

on it. So they they realized it and we

50:36

forget three books on it. Yeah. Now do

50:38

you have to sit down and read the whole fucking thing?

50:40

Yeah.

50:41

Why does that take forever? Because I

50:43

read like you.

50:45

I know. If I have a raise

50:47

or I have a raise up and I had the

50:49

the first two, I'd I'd my buddy

50:52

chad my from my podcast,

50:55

I'd do a chapter and then he'd do a chapter

50:57

and then I'd do a chapter. But the first

50:59

two was fun because I

51:01

would I'd stop it at points,

51:03

and then have people from those stories,

51:06

podcast dial go, okay,

51:09

Hang on a minute. You that's

51:11

not the way I remember it. So we do less

51:13

cool. Yeah. Was it so as part audible

51:15

book, part a podcast.

51:16

So when you read it If you if you

51:18

fuck up a word, do you gotta go back to the beginning

51:20

of the sentence of the paragraph? No. You have a

51:23

they'll have a producer there

51:25

or the one I did during COVID was

51:27

on, you know, Zoom. And they'll stop

51:29

and go, okay, yeah, you fucked that up and

51:32

do that again, do that again, which

51:34

was a lot. How long were the sessions? Probably

51:38

six hours a day, three days.

51:41

Can you

51:41

get Keith Richard's book on Audible that's

51:43

seven hundred pages? I just can't picture him.

51:45

I would imagine he had someone else read it.

51:49

I did that. Why

51:51

didn't you do that?

51:52

Don't you have an opener on the Running the light.

51:55

You heard of Sam talent running the

51:57

light. It's best best one of the best books

51:59

I've ever read. No. And it's

52:01

about it's a fiction, but it's about a road

52:03

stand up comic. Kinda

52:05

like I play in this movie. This movie,

52:08

by the way, is the road dog false? I play

52:10

a a fifty five year old alcoholic

52:13

chain smoking waning

52:16

in his career stand up comics still

52:18

on the road dying of liver failure. So

52:20

and that's basic what that book is about.

52:23

He was so angry when I go, I'm doing

52:25

a movie. It's pretty much your book. Oh,

52:28

he was mad. He that they they didn't Well, yeah.

52:30

He wanted well, he wanted to get

52:32

his book optioned and then but this

52:34

yeah. He can still do his book. Yeah.

52:37

Point for the fuckers I'm talking about. We

52:40

would

52:40

AudioCode itself.

52:42

And Keith Richards, so he outsourced it.

52:44

Why don't you outsource it? Oh, so so running the light

52:46

Sam Talend's book he had a different

52:48

comedian read each chapter. And I

52:50

remember doing my chapter and he was

52:52

there and, fuck,

52:54

what was the word? I It

52:59

was gallop. It's

53:01

something he became a gallop away, and I

53:03

I read it as

53:04

gallop. No. Alright.

53:07

I think I'm too tired. Do you know

53:09

what we're gonna stop today? Yeah. Got a lot

53:11

of good stuff. Did you just say Galap?

53:15

I do that. I mean, I can't read anything.

53:18

I kept calling I

53:20

you know, it was funny that that singer Adele

53:24

Yeah. When like, I knew her name was Adele.

53:26

And when I would go to read it, I would say Adelay.

53:31

And they got one of those things right after

53:33

it comes out of your mouth, you feel your your your

53:36

cheeks getting red, like, oh, god, did everybody

53:38

hear that? Do they all know how

53:40

stupid I am now? You can see that

53:42

in people's faces. I think that but

53:44

but I like doing that because I feel that

53:46

that inspires people. They're like,

53:48

this guy just said, Adelaide, And

53:52

he's doing all of these gigs. Shit. I gotta

53:54

get into that business. That sounds like it's

53:56

sounds like it's easy. You know, can

53:58

we get back to talk about cars. You talked about buying

54:00

this four hundred dollar cars. I remember a long time

54:03

ago when you did the man

54:05

show, you had a you

54:07

had I wanna say it was a Dodge aspen,

54:09

Woody? It was like

54:12

it was like a Dodge

54:13

Aspen. I don't know if it was a Dodge Aspen. It

54:15

was it was one of those

54:16

Chrysler k cars No.

54:18

That's when when

54:19

Lehigh COCA came back to

54:22

to to kick close. That was an

54:24

unvertible. I bought off the eBay

54:27

I was really good at the man show of just sitting

54:29

there all day when I should be writing and just buying

54:31

shit on eBay because now I had some

54:33

money. It

54:36

was this, like, lime

54:38

green -- Yeah. -- white racing stripes.

54:41

And I thought it was a convertible, but they

54:43

I I didn't looked at never

54:46

showed it with the top

54:47

up. It had the the canvas

54:49

around where you would, you know, have

54:52

a But

54:52

there was no roof. They just cut the roof off.

54:54

Yeah. And it was such a piece of shit. We had to

54:57

drive up to Fresno and then drive

54:59

it back to the lot. And we just It

55:01

was such

55:02

garbage. Wait. And

55:03

we just had a road on this side. Right? I

55:05

don't think it had wood. Oh, it didn't have wood? No.

55:07

It didn't. I remember that card is I had

55:09

an audition on whatever lot you guys shot on.

55:11

I walked by and I was laughing because I remember you said

55:13

you used to park it next to

55:14

Rowan. I parked it. Yeah. I had a signed parking

55:17

next that he had some fucking hundred and twenty

55:19

thousand dollar Porsche, and I parked that

55:21

next to him, and I had the props department print

55:23

up a bumper sticker that said, I'm with Logan,

55:26

with an arrow towards his

55:27

car. He

55:30

Rogen always had cool cars. When I first came

55:32

out to LA in, like, ninety five or

55:34

ninety six, he gave

55:36

me a ride from

55:40

the Laff factory over to the common store, and he was

55:42

already like a let like, the legend. Like,

55:44

I I looked up to

55:46

that guy, like, oh my god. I can't believe Joe Rogans

55:48

giving me a fucking ride, you know? And he had

55:50

something. I wanna say was Japanese, but it

55:52

was just some sick fast with a big

55:54

fucking spoiler in the back.

55:56

I think I don't I don't remember. I'm not

55:58

with nineties cars, but he had, you

56:01

know, at that point, I think he was on news

56:03

radio. Alright. So he had news radio.

56:05

Oh, he had a barracuda, I think.

56:08

I

56:08

remember that, like, from trick by ride

56:10

or Yep. I don't know. No. I

56:12

don't think it was bad. No. No.

56:13

No. No. No. I think he because those guys

56:16

Those guys unpimp my ride --

56:17

Alright. -- what was hilarious was they would redo the

56:19

whole car, but not the powertrain or nothing.

56:21

So you still have this shitty engine and transmission.

56:24

That's kinda like far less skew. Yeah. Put like

56:26

a fish tank in the fucking hatchback. Like, alright.

56:28

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I suppose to do with that

56:30

or a flat screen. I don't know what the time they put

56:32

a flat screen, like, underneath

56:34

the car. And the I don't know why people

56:36

were like, oh, that's fucking dope.

56:38

Like, he landed back. It's smokin' joints.

56:40

Like, that is the dumbest shit.

56:43

They did something like that. I don't remember. That looks like back

56:45

one. Remember they would have like the aquarium lighting

56:47

underneath the car, and that was considered

56:51

like, a cool thing to have. You

56:53

still have that old beater pickup truck? I

56:56

do. I resent that it's an old beater. It's a fucking

56:58

gray truck. Sixty eight Ford f one hundred. We're talking

57:00

about it.

57:01

Runs like a purse, like a kitten.

57:04

I

57:04

bought a which was supposed to

57:06

have four thousand original miles,

57:08

beater pickup truck, the old

57:10

beater pickup truck. That's what you loved about

57:12

it. Wait. Which

57:14

one are you talking? I've had a couple of them. The

57:16

black one? Don't know. It's one that you had.

57:18

Remember one of the end of the world.

57:21

Twenty twelve. End of the Mayan calendar

57:23

Oh, man. -- Logan and Joey Coco Diaz

57:25

Okay. Yes. You you were driving it

57:27

then. So was it whatever you hadn't to No.

57:29

No. I still have that. Yeah. Fantastic.

57:32

Yeah. I bought a a pacer

57:35

that was off the eBay. I every

57:37

time I bought a car off eBay piece of

57:39

shit, but it was gorgeous,

57:41

like, a gorgeous looking

57:43

What color was it?

57:45

I orange ish. Mhmm.

57:48

You know, it's funny about the there's a big misconception

57:50

about the Pacer. That that car came

57:52

out in the seventies, and no one questioned it, and

57:54

everybody liked it. I remember being in a

57:57

car the first time we saw me, my mother, we

57:59

were bursting out laughing and

58:00

going, was ridiculous. It was ridiculous.

58:02

Like the gremlin. Alright. But whenever

58:04

they do, like, a that seventy show or

58:07

that type of shit, they have everybody

58:09

back there in a pacer in a note? Yes.

58:11

Acting like people did this shit. And everybody

58:13

had a fucking lava lamp and callers

58:15

out there

58:16

here. It's like fuck

58:16

in Chevy Vega. My mother had a Chevy

58:19

Vega wagon, and that's when the I

58:21

like that.

58:22

Came out and that was one of the re and

58:24

all it was. Yeah. I remember guys in my

58:26

neighborhood used to buy it like those fucking cars.

58:28

They would somehow pull the engine and

58:30

jam like a three fifty in the I I

58:32

mean, there wasn't even enough room under

58:34

the hood and they would somehow I'm at this kid up this

58:36

When you look up those kind of cars on eBay,

58:39

half the ones you find are exactly that.

58:41

They're souped

58:42

up, you know, fucking drag racing

58:45

That's a fascinating thing, though, that I learned

58:47

about those because you Nick. With

58:49

my ignorance, I thought if you just

58:52

put AAA faster engine

58:54

in there, the car's automatically faster in

58:56

that type of so which it is, but you're also

58:58

adding weight. So that's like the whole

59:01

dynamic

59:02

of a race car where it's like the

59:04

more horsepower, the more weight why have

59:06

you ever, like, looked at it actually a real

59:08

race car? No. Everything

59:11

is gone right down to, like, the accelerator

59:13

pedal. They take that. It just looks like a coat

59:15

hanger book. It's whatever that floor

59:17

thinks to take that out. Just

59:19

every it actually looks like a piece of shit.

59:21

I was I stood next to one

59:24

I went to the f one race in Montreal.

59:26

Just to dump weight? Just to dump

59:29

weight. Because you all you want, you just basically

59:31

want a guy in his seat and an engine.

59:33

As light as possible, lowers to the fucking

59:36

ground. I saw one of those f one cars, like,

59:38

up close, one of those red boat ones, the ones

59:40

that Daniel cardo. We were in his area

59:42

with a garage. And it and I was like, man, I think it

59:44

was like piece of shit. Like, I could put my

59:47

fucking foot through it. And then the race starts

59:49

and they would just slam. People just

59:52

flag a blur. We had

59:54

such great seats man and was,

59:55

like, right at the first turn. So

59:57

it's

59:57

just for what? This was for f one of

59:59

this one. Yeah. This is back when Which one?

1:00:02

The one in

1:00:03

Montreal. Right. We're

1:00:05

watching that first season because it was

1:00:07

quarantine where you watched every fucking

1:00:10

thing on

1:00:10

Netflix. But that f one

1:00:12

series is still going. But III

1:00:14

would recommend MotoGP,

1:00:17

which is the the the motorcycle racing, which

1:00:19

I missed this whole season. I was so fucking busy

1:00:21

this year. But, like, When I

1:00:23

started watching it, it was Mark Marquez

1:00:25

and Andres

1:00:28

Divicioso, and it was a Honda versus

1:00:32

Ducati. And, dude, they would have these

1:00:34

fucking epic ends to races where

1:00:36

in the last two, three laps, they'd pass each other

1:00:38

like ten times and I would be up off my

1:00:40

couch screaming, watching

1:00:42

this shit. And the problem with F1I

1:00:46

found was the cars were so fucking wide

1:00:49

and and and Mercedes and

1:00:52

Lewis Hamilton were just so

1:00:54

good. It was just sort of a race to the first

1:00:56

turn. And if if Lewis Hamilton wasn't place

1:00:58

and he was in that clean

1:00:59

air. That was it. You just watched you basically

1:01:01

were just watching I'd be get annoyed

1:01:03

because the the coverage

1:01:05

Any coverage? No.

1:01:07

Super safe. Super safe. Like, no one's knock

1:01:10

on wood has died in MotoGP since,

1:01:13

like, twenty thirteen. Was

1:01:15

sort of a freak accident when this kid got run

1:01:17

over. But there was

1:01:19

one, though, one fucking raceman. It was

1:01:21

this long straightaway and then

1:01:23

it had this right turn and these

1:01:25

two guys on the straightaway got into it, went

1:01:27

onto the grass and they fucking wiped out

1:01:29

and this fucking bike was caught wheeling

1:01:32

going, like, two hundred miles an hour. And

1:01:34

these guys were turning like this,

1:01:36

and it came flying through, like,

1:01:38

who is it? Valentino Rossi. The

1:01:41

doctor. Right? He was turning like this and you

1:01:43

just see a fucking motorcycle. Just

1:01:45

go, like, it was like a trick shot

1:01:48

Wow. And they had to stop the race. They

1:01:50

pulled over, and you can't imagine how much you must

1:01:52

be shaken. Like, dude, like, I almost just fucking

1:01:54

died. They're

1:01:55

like, alright. Get back out there and ride

1:01:57

two hundred miles an hour. Like, two hundred miles an hour

1:01:59

on the street. You're already doing

1:02:01

that. If you're already going

1:02:03

a hundred and fucking eighty miles an hour around those

1:02:06

corners. How much more are you gonna be faced

1:02:08

by a motorcycle almost hitting you?

1:02:11

Every second of that, you should be shaking and

1:02:13

shitting in your pants. Yeah.

1:02:15

But I think that, like, with anything that

1:02:17

becomes, like, a complacency to it. Right. And

1:02:20

then we're all because there's still shit like as a comedian

1:02:22

that, like, can happen Like I

1:02:24

mean, it does once you start selling the sales A

1:02:27

lot of a major drink

1:02:28

at you. Like Yeah. Like, do you remember, like, back when

1:02:30

you know before you

1:02:32

became a name. Yeah. You'd go in

1:02:34

and you would say some shit. And there's there's there's

1:02:36

one thing pissing people off. And then there's

1:02:38

another thing of like, is that guy

1:02:40

gonna come on the stage -- Yeah. -- it becomes

1:02:43

like a different thing. And I feel like with

1:02:46

motorcycle racing, it's like, yeah, this is what

1:02:48

we do. And yada yada yada and we

1:02:50

got this inflatable when I fall off the

1:02:52

fucking airbag comes out, but we don't

1:02:54

have anything for that. You know,

1:02:56

I would just merely go, okay, that's never happened my

1:02:58

career. What is the odds that that's gonna happen again?

1:03:01

Just yeah. I'm fine. Just it's not it's not gonna

1:03:03

happen to me. I'll be block out. But

1:03:05

at the end of the day, this they still are human

1:03:07

and don't wanna die despite --

1:03:10

I don't know what they're

1:03:11

doing. -- why this made me think of that. But do you think

1:03:13

if that guy from the Bills

1:03:15

with the Heart Attack. Do you think

1:03:17

if that happened in the Super Bowl

1:03:19

they would have canceled the

1:03:20

game? No fucking

1:03:22

way. Not at all. No way.

1:03:24

No.

1:03:25

Absolutely not. I don't

1:03:27

think they would have canceled a playoff game. I

1:03:29

think they would have get them in the ambulance before

1:03:31

they tried the CPR. Like, I've

1:03:34

heard this that you can't die at Foxwoods.

1:03:37

This is my my brother's wife's

1:03:40

father x weight. He's

1:03:42

he would go to Foxwoods all the time and had

1:03:44

a heart attack and a slot machine and died,

1:03:46

but they don't they they make sure

1:03:49

you get off the property before

1:03:51

the you're declared

1:03:52

dead. You're not allowed to die at Foxwoods.

1:03:55

I think the same thing would happen if that

1:03:57

guy had a heart attack in the Super Bowl. Just out of

1:03:59

curiosity. Your clientele are

1:04:01

degenerate gamblers. Like, that's that's

1:04:03

not gonna he didn't die from gambling.

1:04:08

Like, whoa. What is it about?

1:04:10

Like, I could see if there was a okay. I got

1:04:12

one for you. If you look up shark

1:04:14

attacks, They always say

1:04:16

in a rare shark attack, they

1:04:19

always say rare. Here's

1:04:21

something, you know, if I could see every day when yeah,

1:04:23

because we're on land and they're in the water.

1:04:26

Right? But it they always said like that

1:04:28

word is attached to shark

1:04:30

attacks like ornate is attached

1:04:32

to little theater, or degenerate is

1:04:34

attached to a degenerate gambler, ornate

1:04:37

theater, rare shark attack,

1:04:39

quaint village. Yes. And it's Exactly.

1:04:42

And I just feel like that there is

1:04:44

a there's a little payola

1:04:46

going on in these vacation

1:04:48

spots Dude, people get

1:04:50

bit all the fucking time. If

1:04:53

you talk to people that go to Jamaica and

1:04:55

fucking the Caribbean and all that,

1:04:57

like, if they go enough times, they were where they when

1:04:59

somebody got nipped in the, you know, they go up and they do

1:05:01

little test bite to see if you're fucking edible or

1:05:03

whatever, it happens way more.

1:05:05

And then when somebody finally fucking die,

1:05:08

you know, and they got the yellow raft, you know,

1:05:10

and that chick's looking for a kid like in jaws,

1:05:13

then they gotta go, okay, somebody died we

1:05:15

have to report on this and then

1:05:17

they go in a rare shark

1:05:20

attack. The fact that the fucking thing comes up I think

1:05:22

in his nip nibbles you. I'm

1:05:25

just making I'm just going by this.

1:05:27

Once again, I'm just saying shit here. think if

1:05:29

moved half your calf, realize you aren't

1:05:31

edible. It's not an attack. He

1:05:33

was just curious. So but then if somebody

1:05:36

fucking dies or loses an arm,

1:05:40

I

1:05:40

it loses an arm, you gotta make a movie out of

1:05:42

it. That's how that works. Oh

1:05:46

god. Many kept Nixon shoes What

1:05:48

was that girl? He's a

1:05:49

one arm carbler. Cobler. Cobler.

1:05:54

It's Bethany Hamlin. The

1:05:56

Yeah. The one To the fact that she

1:05:58

changed a peanut

1:05:59

butter, I have no idea what it was. To

1:06:01

the fact that she still would go out there.

1:06:03

I mean, you wanna talk about,

1:06:06

like I

1:06:08

mean, I can't even, like, the fucking level of

1:06:10

fear. The fact that this is fucking

1:06:12

thing that could come

1:06:15

at you and finish you off. Maybe it

1:06:17

was Hollywood. I mean, the thing would be coming back

1:06:19

to to finish you off. But, like, the

1:06:21

my thing about the ocean is all the bullshit

1:06:23

is I got my head up here and it's all

1:06:25

underneath there. Like, when I walk in the jungle,

1:06:27

alright, I go walk in the jungle. But if I was to walk

1:06:29

what did I just say that? If I was not going

1:06:32

to the jungle, what did I say that.

1:06:34

If I was to go If

1:06:36

I was to go into the jungle, like

1:06:39

at least the fuck things.

1:06:41

It's like, I am on the same plane

1:06:43

they are. It's hitting in a bush or whatever.

1:06:45

This is just something about something coming

1:06:48

basically from another I'm gonna add another

1:06:50

world, from another world.

1:06:52

And then dragging you into an atmosphere where

1:06:55

I can't even fucking breathe and then getting

1:06:57

eaten alive. I mean, it is like literally you've

1:06:59

left or Earth. Okay. You're not on land

1:07:02

anymore. I if I if I just like,

1:07:04

hey, I'm still on planet Earth. I go on anything.

1:07:06

You they talk about all the time those Jacque

1:07:08

stuff stories that is the the whole

1:07:10

other world that has not been fucking explored.

1:07:12

You get dragged and it's like that what's his face's

1:07:15

movie? I when you step

1:07:17

through the fucking mirror. Right? And that fucking

1:07:20

shit comes out and kills you and takes over your life.

1:07:22

The same thing that that what goes on in the ocean.

1:07:24

I do not fuck with the ocean on

1:07:26

any level of People go to the reef. Ons,

1:07:28

not even late. So the balls that this woman

1:07:30

had, they all over east. On this

1:07:33

check to fucking go back out

1:07:35

there.

1:07:36

On that stupid see, that's

1:07:38

that's the dirt plate to say

1:07:40

god just being a kind

1:07:43

of optimist. Other

1:07:45

people might say, fucking idiot

1:07:47

to to go back out there after

1:07:50

having your arm

1:07:50

eaten. Just saying you

1:07:52

you put a positive spin on it. She's

1:07:55

a gutsy lady. No. I think it's fucking

1:07:57

insane to do it, but I would say this to I

1:07:59

mean, you know, look at it. Look at how

1:08:01

much dumb shit have we done in our lives? I'm

1:08:03

I'm fucking terrified of a fist fight,

1:08:05

but people do it for for fun, for

1:08:07

a living. Yeah. I don't even get paid for

1:08:09

it. People like to go out and punch

1:08:11

people in the face. I asked a professional

1:08:13

box one time ago. What are you thinking when you're going

1:08:15

down to the ring? And he was like, he was an

1:08:17

Irish guy. He's like, what the fuck am I doing?

1:08:20

Why do I do this? And

1:08:26

you know the second fucking bell rings.

1:08:28

He just Alright. I'm fucking doing this again

1:08:30

and just like muscle memory. Take

1:08:32

so. I had a special call that. Why do I do this.

1:08:34

That what I would that I would always be thinking that

1:08:36

when I would be fucking like, you know, we don't

1:08:38

have a microphone. Is that gonna be a problem

1:08:40

and you're like going out to do show it like a fucking

1:08:43

college cafeteria. And I

1:08:46

remember as they were like going to bring that that

1:08:48

would we've always been thinking, why do I do this? Like,

1:08:50

why can't I just get what what is

1:08:52

wrong with me that I need to go up here

1:08:54

and make all of these fucking people like me?

1:08:56

There's, like, why can't I just just have a

1:08:58

fucking job job. It

1:09:01

just go to work. It'd be, hey, Helen.

1:09:03

You know, it just fucking sit down.

1:09:06

Yeah. But

1:09:06

it'd be alright with that and have a couple be

1:09:08

in the paper. Be okay with that for a

1:09:10

fucking six

1:09:12

hour shift of an eight

1:09:14

hour shift he'd be gone. Like,

1:09:17

I love comics who

1:09:18

say, you know, if this ever becomes like work

1:09:20

for me, I'm gonna quit and do what? Get

1:09:22

a job. Which is exactly like

1:09:25

work to you?

1:09:27

That's a good point. I'm sure you're talking

1:09:30

a lot of people. Out of quitting. They

1:09:33

would talk somebody out of quitting that should have quit. And

1:09:35

then years later, they do quit, you know what? I

1:09:37

always I had another eight years to that fucking

1:09:39

bronco. Right? It's the new ones where

1:09:41

every and we all do it in an

1:09:43

interview. What what advice would you have for

1:09:45

up and coming despite ironing comedians. And

1:09:47

then you say, get as much stage time

1:09:49

as you can and get up every possible

1:09:52

chance you can get to get on

1:09:53

stage.

1:09:54

Right. And you go, well, most of these people are

1:09:56

gonna suck. And you're telling people

1:09:58

ninety nine percent of who are gonna suck

1:10:00

to clog up as much stage

1:10:03

time as possible. Don't

1:10:05

take no for an answer that

1:10:07

kid's just gonna be pounding the fucking

1:10:09

rotary

1:10:10

dial. I'm sorry. I'm

1:10:12

calling a club owner. Sorry. You

1:10:14

sound right like this when I was I was in the

1:10:16

jungle a minute ago.

1:10:19

We're basically losing our minds. That's

1:10:21

why we're all dressed up. This is the -- Yeah. -- the final

1:10:24

podcast that I'm gonna have

1:10:25

here. Anyway,

1:10:28

dude, it's so great to see you, man. Thanks.

1:10:30

I will I'll show you a tweet

1:10:31

when we have they were

1:10:33

Don't wrap it up this fast. I wanna say your dates

1:10:35

again. This

1:10:36

fucking guy. If you live in Australia, I'm telling

1:10:38

you you gotta see this guy. This guy is one of the greatest comedians

1:10:41

of all time. And there's so many people

1:10:43

out there that pretend that

1:10:45

they don't give a fuck. This guy in the best

1:10:47

way ever truly does not give

1:10:49

a fuck

1:10:50

and, you know, you you mean, what a pleasure

1:10:52

to just listen to somebody saying, I

1:10:54

thanks. I give a I give a lot of

1:10:56

fucks in the morning. Like,

1:10:58

I'm all fucks. I don't. I'm

1:11:00

giving you a way I can take a way. I'm trying to

1:11:02

say that I Then I started drinking

1:11:04

and I don't give a fuck. They No. I didn't

1:11:07

like that. That helicopter ride was fucking

1:11:09

boring. Why? Because I got drunk

1:11:11

and then I'm not afraid of

1:11:12

anything. And I know give them fuck. Do

1:11:15

you think maybe those are part of you that you were so

1:11:17

scared that you had to go there mentally? You

1:11:20

know, it goes fucking

1:11:21

boring. Like, when somebody sees a horror movie, be

1:11:23

like, dude, dude, fucking excuse me. You know,

1:11:25

that there's a roller coaster between

1:11:27

LA and Vegas at that one place.

1:11:29

I know. Right. Right. Right. a border. But

1:11:31

it's a terror fine. You know, one time,

1:11:33

we'd stop there. We have to wake up.

1:11:36

Like, you you you you get

1:11:38

you get soggy after three and a half hours

1:11:40

driving. Hey, well, let's stop and take that roller

1:11:42

coaster. Get some fucking, you know, in

1:11:45

a rush. Adrenalin and then

1:11:47

continue to Vegas. My wife at the time

1:11:49

and I stop there and decided to stay at

1:11:51

that hotel. So we do the roller coaster

1:11:54

first. And whoo. Right. And then I

1:11:56

went down and I started drinking a

1:11:57

plane, let it ride for hours losing. It's the worst game ever, and I'm just freaking

1:11:59

cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock

1:12:01

cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock

1:12:03

cock cock cock cock

1:12:04

cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock. And then and

1:12:06

let it ride. Like, people have endless amounts

1:12:08

of money.

1:12:09

Yeah. Let it ride. It should be let

1:12:11

that ride. So then when my ATM

1:12:13

shut me off, I wanna fucking. I'm gonna do

1:12:15

the roller coaster again, and I couldn't

1:12:17

have been more bored. I sat on that

1:12:19

roller coaster. Hampered,

1:12:22

angry,

1:12:24

didn't care at all. It was the

1:12:26

least thrilling thing. So what I'm saying I can take you

1:12:28

on an amazing helicopter right now. I I

1:12:30

look forward to that. Oh, you go up. Yeah.

1:12:32

Well, next time you're out

1:12:33

here, call me up. I'll take you. I'll show

1:12:35

you in LA you've never seen. You know what last

1:12:37

time, ladies from the It's been million years.

1:12:39

Last time I did your podcast, we

1:12:41

said we were gonna go up to some

1:12:43

fan you had from way up

1:12:46

in

1:12:46

there, the arctic circle in Canada, and

1:12:48

we go, yeah, we should go up there together and do

1:12:50

a show. Yeah. No. No. That guy's still waiting

1:12:52

for us to show up. No. I wanted to do that. It was

1:12:54

in I've had a couple of people

1:12:56

up. It's yellow knife.

1:12:57

Yeah. This is yellow is in it. Yeah. Yellow knife,

1:13:00

and then there was there was another place. I keep threatening

1:13:02

to go there. Alright. Well, I now you called me out

1:13:04

on it. I gotta go up there. It's gotta do

1:13:06

I just have at least three

1:13:07

planes. Two sides got a new airline that just

1:13:09

flies to weird places in Canada. And

1:13:12

guess this I talked to a lady that was getting

1:13:14

off of it, flare airlines, and

1:13:17

they they have non stops from Tucson

1:13:19

to Fort

1:13:20

McMurray, which is eight hours north

1:13:22

of Calgary. And For

1:13:25

a thousand twenty five bucks, she said each way.

1:13:27

I'm like, I think I might. She

1:13:29

goes, hey, last through March. I

1:13:30

go, I'm off I get back from Australia,

1:13:33

I might fly out there. Do you want to take pictures? That's

1:13:35

not so that's past Edmonton. Yeah.

1:13:38

Yeah. Eight hours north. Jesus

1:13:42

Christ. Yeah. That'd be fun to

1:13:44

do. I wouldn't even wouldn't even charge

1:13:46

for it. I just go, hey, if anyone can set

1:13:48

because I wouldn't wanna have to go through the bullshit of getting

1:13:51

a work

1:13:51

visa. Hey, if anyone's got a stage

1:13:53

in Cementity chair don't remember this. Because

1:13:55

I've done all basically, all the prom the provinces

1:13:58

down south were all the people up. Yeah.

1:14:00

Well, the the the the it's the cold

1:14:02

colonists or whatever they come. I wanna

1:14:04

go where the people were who used to live down there

1:14:06

who got sent up

1:14:07

there. I wanna do that

1:14:08

with oil rigs or whatever the fuck they do.

1:14:10

You know, I never went back. I went one time

1:14:12

you you hook me up at Chilcout Charlie's

1:14:14

side. Oh, yeah. Is that Anchorage at Juno? You were

1:14:16

so angry? No. That's Anchorage.

1:14:19

It's still an Anchorage. There's And in

1:14:20

fact, they have a comedy festival coming

1:14:22

up.

1:14:23

No last night. The the fucking the

1:14:25

the comedy condo. Yeah. The the bandhouse

1:14:28

was the the filthiest. Like,

1:14:30

of all the red was literally like

1:14:33

like, somebody took a fucking saw and went down the

1:14:35

middle of the house. It was, like, itchy,

1:14:37

like, when red burns on everything,

1:14:39

the TV had, like, I fucking

1:14:42

stayed there and I remember Ralph

1:14:45

Witten Ralphie Maked. A few months later, rested

1:14:47

so came up to me. He was like, yeah, just sit chill, cool,

1:14:49

chill, chillies. I go to

1:14:50

it. How about that fucking comedy? Yonder.

1:14:52

And he goes, I didn't stay there.

1:14:54

Nope. I don't wanna be like it look like it did.

1:14:57

No. They they for for liability

1:14:59

reasons, it was so they were afraid

1:15:01

he'd go through the

1:15:02

floor. It was that shitty. He told

1:15:04

me he said fuck you. I'm not staying

1:15:06

there. No. No. That was at all.

1:15:08

Raffy, you

1:15:09

motherfucker. His lies

1:15:12

still exist. His

1:15:16

He's gone. But but his

1:15:18

fictionalizations live on. Yes.

1:15:22

You know how many porn stars blew them at

1:15:25

the comedy store after everybody left?

1:15:28

Oh, let's not these stories. Let's not

1:15:30

do this.

1:15:31

It was part of his charm. It was part

1:15:33

of his charm. I

1:15:38

have a funny story about that. I'm not gonna do

1:15:40

it here. I respect for a guy who's not here

1:15:42

to defend himself. Alright. That is the podcast,

1:15:44

everybody. Thank you so much for listening. This

1:15:46

great dog stand up.

1:15:47

The road

1:15:48

dog movie. The road dog movie. The road dog movie,

1:15:50

the best actor in the road dog

1:15:52

movie. It's called the road dog movie. Right? Yes.

1:15:54

Or the road dog. The road dog well, it's

1:15:56

called the road dog. The road

1:15:58

dog. The site is the road dog movie. Oh,

1:16:00

the road dog movie. Check that out. He's the best

1:16:02

actor. And that's

1:16:04

it. Doug, thank you so much for coming

1:16:06

out. Great to see you again. Alright. You can

1:16:08

just Just hands like we just made a deal. Alright.

1:16:10

Thank you. Hey,

1:16:15

what's going on? It's Phil Bur, and it's

1:16:17

a Monday morning podcast for Monday,

1:16:19

February tenth two thousand and

1:16:21

fifteen. How's it going? Hawaii?

1:16:26

I'm back in the USA. I

1:16:30

just landed a JFK a couple

1:16:32

hours ago, and I've been

1:16:34

trying to get this fucking thing

1:16:35

done. My my Olympus, l s,

1:16:38

Ten,

1:16:39

that I bought, like, six, seven fucking years

1:16:41

ago, it finally died. I think it finally died

1:16:43

after a trip around the world. The old

1:16:46

girl couldn't take it. You know? She went

1:16:48

quietly quietly in

1:16:50

the night. Anyways,

1:16:53

I'm psyched to be back I had a great

1:16:55

time. I'm just a whirlwind tour around

1:16:57

the world. I don't even

1:16:59

know where the fuck I am right now, and I don't even know what

1:17:01

time it is. Yeah. I do. It's

1:17:03

five fifty three PM East Coast Time

1:17:06

according to my my

1:17:09

little fucking little little iPad thing

1:17:11

here. Shit.

1:17:13

I don't know what to tell you guys, what the fuck

1:17:15

do you want for me? You know, all your cuts out there

1:17:18

who who gave me shit because the podcast

1:17:20

is so late this

1:17:22

week. Alright? You didn't have the

1:17:25

fucking decency. Did

1:17:27

you to go on to my website? And maybe have

1:17:29

little bit of empathy. Be like, oh,

1:17:31

oh, that's why that's

1:17:34

why it's late. He's flying back from

1:17:36

Mumbai, India. Fucking

1:17:40

three hours to Dubai, another fucking

1:17:42

thirteen hours on the goddamn plane,

1:17:44

and some douche missed their connection.

1:17:47

When we went Dubai and their plane was on

1:17:49

their plane. Their bag was on the plane.

1:17:52

So they don't let the hunt on

1:17:54

the plane yet they spend fifteen

1:17:56

minutes trying to find or twenty minutes trying to

1:17:58

find the fucking bag and they take it off

1:18:00

the plane. It's like, at that point, why don't you let just let

1:18:02

the asshole on the plane? We

1:18:05

can all get out of here. Right? I

1:18:07

mean, that's what I was doing. We know when I used to run

1:18:09

an airline, that's how I did it. So

1:18:11

I don't know what's going on with United

1:18:14

Arab Emirates, Emirates,

1:18:17

whatever the fuck the airline is that I flew.

1:18:20

Anyways, First of before

1:18:22

I get going, thank you to everybody who came out to my

1:18:24

shows in India, China,

1:18:26

Singapore, whatever the fuck I was this week.

1:18:30

It was my first trip to fuck in

1:18:32

Asia, and I had a

1:18:34

a great time. I did not get caned in Singapore,

1:18:39

I didn't have any secret police in

1:18:42

China and no

1:18:44

religious crazy people got me when I

1:18:46

was in India. You know?

1:18:49

So I survived it. Singapore

1:18:52

was great. China was great. I don't fucking

1:18:54

know what to tell you. Let's just talk about India.

1:18:57

Alright? First and foremost, the second

1:18:59

you get to India, this is what you're gonna see.

1:19:01

Mumbai India, you are going to see

1:19:03

the greatest drivers in jaywalking

1:19:07

you've ever seen in your fucking life. I've

1:19:09

never seen just complete fucking

1:19:11

chaos when it comes to driving like

1:19:14

like I saw in India. And even

1:19:17

like the old people were good at jaywalking. What

1:19:19

killed me? They never changed their

1:19:22

gate. I guess gate is that running,

1:19:24

whatever whatever fucking speed they were walking.

1:19:26

When they stepped down in traffic, they just

1:19:28

stepped out and just kept walking at the

1:19:30

same pace. The traffic never sped up,

1:19:33

never slowed down. Nobody got hit.

1:19:35

It was unreal. I've never been in the back of a

1:19:38

cab so many times going Well,

1:19:40

watch it. Watch it. Watch it. And just nobody

1:19:42

slows down. Nobody speeds up. Everybody

1:19:44

just keeps doing what they're doing. It's like it was

1:19:46

like watching Chevy Chase. And

1:19:48

catty check when he's a fucking

1:19:50

putting barefoot. No. No.

1:19:52

No. No. No. No. No. That's how they fucking

1:19:54

do it.

1:19:57

Definitely, the most insane

1:19:59

craziest coolest country I've ever been to

1:20:02

was definitely

1:20:03

at least that city, man. That was It

1:20:06

was

1:20:06

something else. The people were really cool. You

1:20:09

know, first, you freak out, you know,

1:20:11

when you show

1:20:11

up. And we landed there

1:20:13

at, like, midnight And,

1:20:18

you know, we showed up to the hotel and there's a

1:20:20

guy with, like, a machine gun, and somebody checking

1:20:22

for bombs underneath the fucking car

1:20:26

you know, which creeped me out at first, and

1:20:28

it was like a metal detector going into the

1:20:30

fucking hotel. But then I was just

1:20:32

like, Now that I'm in here, I got a guy with

1:20:34

a machine gun standing up front. This

1:20:36

is way better than a red roof in. So

1:20:40

I guess it's just a big I

1:20:42

guess, maybe back in two thousand and

1:20:44

eight, they had a terrorist attack.

1:20:46

So ever since then in the hotel, it was then get attacked

1:20:48

or whatever. So now, they just have a guard there all the

1:20:50

time. But other than that, I didn't see anybody

1:20:52

with the gun. It's a really safe city.

1:20:55

The food was fucking tremendous. And

1:20:58

I did the show, the last

1:21:01

show of the of

1:21:05

the of the tour.

1:21:06

Sorry, guys. There's gonna be a lot of fucking mental

1:21:09

brain farts here this week. I'm just trying

1:21:12

to take in everything that I saw

1:21:15

It was awesome. And I got to hang out afterwards. I

1:21:17

went out and got dinner with me in, like, twenty

1:21:20

Indian comics

1:21:22

and just sat there talking comedy for a good

1:21:24

half hour, forty five minutes I had to go

1:21:26

to the

1:21:28

airport, which was one of the

1:21:30

highlights of my career,

1:21:32

to be honest with you to be able to talk to people on the

1:21:34

other side of the world that do what I do, you know.

1:21:36

And, you know,

1:21:39

this these guys, I'm gonna send you a link

1:21:41

to this although maybe I shouldn't

1:21:43

because I know they're trying to lay

1:21:45

low, but for those of you listening to the podcast

1:21:47

I did over there, those same guys

1:21:50

got in

1:21:50

trouble. Because they just did a fucking

1:21:52

roast. Right? And according

1:21:55

to them, it was way tamer than anything in

1:21:57

the in the US but

1:21:59

they haven't

1:22:00

had, I guess, a lot of roast. That might have been

1:22:02

the first one, and they did it. They

1:22:04

roasted a couple of Bollywood guys and

1:22:06

everything was

1:22:07

fine. Everybody laughed. Everybody had

1:22:09

a good time. And then

1:22:11

for whatever reason, either they posted

1:22:14

it online or somebody else did and the second

1:22:16

went online.

1:22:18

You know you know what happens? The second something

1:22:20

goes online. Everybody starts going, oh my

1:22:22

god. What about the children. What

1:22:25

about the fucking religious thing that I believe

1:22:27

in? What will this comedy do

1:22:29

to that?

1:22:31

You know what I mean? Like, they will it's

1:22:33

it's a fucking roast. Everybody's

1:22:35

laughing having a good time, so whatever. So they

1:22:37

everybody freaked out and you

1:22:42

got like eight million hits and

1:22:45

they're like sort of in trouble, but not in trouble,

1:22:48

but they're in trouble. Like, they could spend

1:22:50

eight years in courts with

1:22:52

I don't know what lawsuits or whatever.

1:22:55

I was reading some of the comments and someone was

1:22:57

just going, like, you know, what is this say, what is

1:22:59

this gonna do to society and

1:23:02

blah blah blah blah. And it's like, have you fucking

1:23:04

looked out your window over there? Jesus

1:23:07

Christ. They got, like, in New Delhi, they

1:23:09

have, like, a major problem with

1:23:12

rapes. Is is a

1:23:14

roast gonna make that any worse? You

1:23:17

know what I mean? Jesus. I mean, I mean,

1:23:19

I'm not even gonna fucking say some of the shit that

1:23:21

I saw over there. I saw

1:23:23

a stray cow. A

1:23:25

stray cow. It's

1:23:28

just it's fucking It's awesome.

1:23:30

See, I don't wanna say half of this shit because I don't

1:23:32

wanna scare people from going over there because it's one

1:23:34

of the coolest fucking places I ever went to.

1:23:38

But yeah, you'll see like a straight cow

1:23:40

eating garbage next to her like a Mercedes

1:23:42

Benz driving by. Okay. So

1:23:44

you got you got the entire fucking

1:23:47

colors of the rainbow there. It was it was awesome,

1:23:49

man. And the the food was

1:23:51

insane. Can't say enough about

1:23:53

that. And Other

1:23:56

than that, what else did I get a chance to see?

1:23:58

I didn't get a chance to see anything. Oh, this was the scary

1:24:01

thing was I went into the country and because

1:24:03

we we fuck with with

1:24:06

the Indian people when they come to the US, I

1:24:08

guess. Because we're trying to make sure

1:24:10

that they don't illegally emigrate

1:24:12

immigrate whatever to our fucking

1:24:16

country. Immigrate. Right? Immigrate.

1:24:18

Yeah. Immigrate. That's what it is. Emigrate,

1:24:21

you leave, immigrate, you come in. There

1:24:23

you go, Bill. You worked out yourself,

1:24:25

didn't you? Anyways,

1:24:28

so we fuck with them. So this is tit

1:24:30

for tat things. So then they fuck with us,

1:24:33

specifically Americans from the West Coast,

1:24:35

so they don't fuck with anybody from the East Coast,

1:24:37

I guess. As

1:24:39

far as like you come to the country, and then

1:24:42

once you get to the country, you you need

1:24:44

another piece of paper stamped by

1:24:46

the government so you could fucking leave,

1:24:49

you know, or it's some bronchial shit. Like,

1:24:51

now you can't leave until you get this fucking thing.

1:24:53

And then it's

1:24:55

you know, just some big pain in the ass thing that took

1:24:57

like two and a half hours for me to get. But

1:25:01

I guess they've had problems with artists on

1:25:03

the West Coast, but not on the East Coast, which

1:25:06

means to me that maybe

1:25:08

somebody a governor or

1:25:10

a senator of a state in the West Coast.

1:25:12

Like, maybe Schwartz and Nager said something. I have no

1:25:14

idea what, but somebody said something.

1:25:16

Somebody pissed off somebody. Snakes, you know, oh,

1:25:18

freckles. He's gotta get up in the fucking

1:25:20

morning. And I go down to I didn't

1:25:22

know what the hell it was, but

1:25:25

I had this this big, like,

1:25:29

envelope shit with my

1:25:31

passport, my working visa, the

1:25:33

fucking contract for the show, all

1:25:35

of that stuff. I go

1:25:37

inside the building and the the

1:25:39

promoter is not allowed to go with me.

1:25:42

So now I'm in there. I

1:25:44

mean, this was like one of the biggest, like, touristy

1:25:47

things that I got to do, like, really experience

1:25:50

being in India that I fucking go up to the third

1:25:53

floor and this is big long line of

1:25:55

people all from different countries

1:25:57

trying to get this piece of paper so they can fucking

1:25:59

leave. And the line

1:26:01

moved quickly, but then they just got into another

1:26:04

room. And it was like being at the fucking

1:26:06

DMV. And you know how that goes? You're

1:26:08

gonna show up with this stack of papers like

1:26:10

the goddamn phone book. And when you get up there,

1:26:13

You just see the look on their face. You're like,

1:26:15

I'll fuck you. What else do I

1:26:16

need? And there's always something else.

1:26:19

So whatever.

1:26:20

I kinda charm the lady I was talking to,

1:26:22

like, I

1:26:24

couldn't understand her. She couldn't really understand me.

1:26:26

And I finally was able to convey it to her

1:26:28

that I was a comedian

1:26:30

and she kinda, you know, gave me this

1:26:32

look like, really, you think you're funny and I forget

1:26:34

what fuck I said, but I was able to make her smile.

1:26:37

Which was good because eventually I

1:26:39

needed the promoter to come up

1:26:41

there to help me get over the last leg

1:26:44

of it. But what's funny about Indian

1:26:46

people is they got this thing they

1:26:48

do when you ask them a question, they

1:26:50

don't shake their head, no, or not.

1:26:53

Yes. They do like

1:26:55

this bobble head thing. And

1:26:58

I was sitting at, like, this

1:27:01

white dude in Hong Kong told me that they're

1:27:03

gonna do that. And it actually means yes.

1:27:05

You're gonna think that they're being assholes, but it

1:27:07

actually means yes. So

1:27:09

this lady kept doing and I kept going. Does that

1:27:11

mean yes? Does that mean yes? Long story short,

1:27:13

one of the comics told me later on that it doesn't

1:27:15

mean yes. It doesn't mean no. It

1:27:18

means that they're how did he put? Yes.

1:27:20

You're gonna think that they're being assholes, but

1:27:22

it actually means yes. So

1:27:24

this lady kept doing and I kept going. Does that

1:27:26

mean yes? Does that mean this? Long story short,

1:27:28

one of the comics told me later on that it doesn't

1:27:30

mean yes, it doesn't mean no. It

1:27:33

means that there how did he put it

1:27:35

there?

1:27:37

Politely accepting your existence

1:27:40

or something like that. Yeah.

1:27:42

What it was. But

1:27:46

everybody that I asked the question to there.

1:27:49

I was like, so if I give them all these stuff, like,

1:27:51

I'm gonna

1:27:52

I could be able to get to piece of paper. I'll be fine,

1:27:54

and then they they do like that bobble at,

1:27:57

like, you know, maybe you will, maybe

1:27:59

won't, you know. Maybe you'll be on that

1:28:01

plane back to the US. Maybe you'll

1:28:03

be in that you'll be in the garbage next

1:28:05

to the cow tomorrow. I don't know. I

1:28:07

don't know how I don't I don't know what to tell you.

1:28:09

So I'm just gonna do this fucking thing with my head.

1:28:12

So I got a big kick out of that and

1:28:16

And as a thing too, like, I've really been working on my

1:28:18

temper. I stayed up there for two hours and forty

1:28:20

five minutes. I never lost my temper once.

1:28:22

At one point, I sat down, I looked over the lady,

1:28:24

and I was just like, I looked down at the

1:28:26

floor. It's like, how fucking long is this gonna fucking

1:28:28

die? So worst I got, sort of whispered

1:28:30

that. Then I just looked around the room

1:28:33

And I saw this family of four from the

1:28:35

Philippines, and they were in front of me. And I'm like,

1:28:37

alright, they're still here. The guy was

1:28:39

behind me. He's still

1:28:40

here. So everybody's waiting the same amount of time.

1:28:43

You know, for love of God, build, fucking relax.

1:28:48

So whatever. But

1:28:51

I just got I I saw so much

1:28:53

shit over there so quickly went down to this

1:28:57

they haven't, like, this street fair thing.

1:29:00

And they had all this, you know, brought my wife

1:29:02

down

1:29:02

there. They had all

1:29:03

this amazing clothing and

1:29:05

all that type of shit and artwork and all that

1:29:07

type of stuff. I

1:29:08

it's just one of those things you just walk around, like, I'm

1:29:10

I'm in fucking India right now. I couldn't

1:29:12

believe it. And then what's funny is

1:29:14

you go out to go do the show and you feel

1:29:16

like you're in the United States. It's

1:29:19

the exact same thing. People laugh at

1:29:21

the same shit. It's just that

1:29:23

when Singapore, Hong Kong, and

1:29:25

India, they add like these

1:29:28

you know, don't talk about the

1:29:30

government, don't talk about religion, don't

1:29:32

talk about race. And

1:29:34

then you go to the show and the comic in front

1:29:36

of you is talking about all of that shit

1:29:39

and basically how it works. For you to really get

1:29:41

in trouble with that, you'd have to be

1:29:43

basically living in the country build

1:29:45

up a reputation for doing it all the time.

1:29:48

And then eventually, one of those governments

1:29:50

would be like, alright. Let's send let's send somebody

1:29:52

down there, and then they'd go down, they'd watch you.

1:29:55

And in all

1:29:57

you get is like a

1:29:58

find. Either they find the promoter or the

1:30:00

venue or possibly the

1:30:02

performer. I don't know. It's not really like

1:30:05

you know, harshly

1:30:07

enforced, which

1:30:12

is actually was a pleasant surprise.

1:30:15

With the way everybody's taken everything so

1:30:17

goddamn seriously lately. Like,

1:30:19

every fucking thing that you say now is

1:30:21

just like, I

1:30:24

mean, it's fucking ridiculous. And I really

1:30:26

think comics have to hold

1:30:28

the fucking line here and

1:30:30

not apologize or

1:30:32

else. I

1:30:34

mean, I don't know where it goes from there unless

1:30:36

you want comedians just up there talking about

1:30:38

widgets. And

1:30:40

what kills me about the so called outrage

1:30:42

is it's such a small percentage of

1:30:44

the population. First

1:30:47

of all, you realize how many people could

1:30:49

just give a fuck about stand

1:30:51

up comedy Like,

1:30:53

if you walk down to the amount of people, the the small

1:30:55

percentage of people who've actually been to a

1:30:57

live show, you know, it

1:31:00

doesn't even fucking appeal to, like, eighty

1:31:02

percent of the population as far as I know.

1:31:05

You know what I mean? They're doing other

1:31:07

things. They may be

1:31:09

into music or they just watch

1:31:11

sports. But like, you know what's fucked up?

1:31:14

Like, I love stand up comedy before I became

1:31:16

meeting, I only went to one show ever.

1:31:20

And I was almost twenty four by the