0:01

Hey, man. What's going on? It's Bill Burress

0:03

time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday

0:05

Monday morning podcast. And Just

0:09

checking in on you. Just checking in

0:12

to see how the fuck you're doing.

0:14

How are your weeks going? I

0:16

was getting who. I'm just here to run my

0:18

fucking mouth for

0:21

whatever the hell you're doing right now. What are you?

0:23

What where are you? You're going to the gym

0:25

don't wanna go to fucking gym.

0:27

That's a normal thought. No

0:29

one wants to go to the gym. Right?

0:32

You wanna sit on the couch order

0:34

a pizza, side

0:36

order a cupcakes, a

0:38

little fucking hair on.

0:41

Right? You wanna have a grand

0:43

ole fucking time. You

0:45

know, I don't wanna be sacrilegious here, but what kind

0:47

of an asshole is God that he made pizza?

0:51

Cupcakes and heroin bad

0:53

for you. Couldn't just

0:55

make it easy, could he? Nope.

0:58

Couldn't do it. He's always been big

1:01

on the diet. It's so fucking

1:03

funny. It's it's like he's

1:05

like don't eat the apple. Which is actually

1:07

good for you. And then he sends us out

1:09

out of Paradise. You

1:12

know? Because the second you tell

1:14

abroad not to do something. Fucking

1:17

goes. Sorry. I

1:19

know a bunch of pedophiles wrote that story and they

1:21

had issues with, you know, women

1:23

with hair around their privates. Sorry.

1:28

Hey, I didn't write the story. They did.

1:31

Okay? Anyway,

1:36

Chase, where do you go from there? You can't eat don't eat

1:38

the fucking apple, which is actually good for

1:40

you. Yolked, you can stay in paradise. Then you

1:42

go to actually have yourself a healthy thing

1:45

that he banishes out. And then when we go out

1:47

here, it's like maybe that's part of the hell.

1:49

Is that what it is? It's so fucking

1:51

stupid. You

1:54

know?

1:56

But I got to be honest with when you really look at

1:58

all this shit that's happened in the last five years,

2:00

blaming everything wrong

2:02

in the world on white on a white woman is, you

2:04

know, kinda tracks That's

2:12

my goal people. To be able to laugh

2:14

without hacking. Ever since

2:16

I've had pneumonia, haven't been able to do it.

2:18

I got over the pneumonia, but that has lingered.

2:21

Probably because once I was cured of pneumonia,

2:23

went back to smoking cigars. Stupid.

2:26

So I'm

2:28

on it though, dude. I'm on it. I got

2:30

them all stacked up. Next time I go over

2:33

to the comedy store, I got

2:35

like twenty twenty five

2:38

sixty eight cigars. I don't know how many I got

2:41

gonna do a big dump. And

2:44

I take a shit. I'm dumping the cigars

2:46

off. I'm getting them out of my life. Alright?

2:50

Not hundred percent though. I'm gonna be that

2:52

fucking guy man. I'm

2:54

gonna be that guy that can have the occasional

2:56

cigar. Oh oh,

2:59

half a line of cocaine just in case

3:01

there's fucking fentanyl in it. Right? I'm

3:03

gonna be that guy. No. I

3:06

never mess with the toot as I used to call it.

3:09

Ride in the rail. Right? The

3:15

fuck else did they say back then? I was

3:17

riding the rail this weekend. Fuck

3:21

it. There was another one too. That was sort of unique

3:24

to my area. I don't fucking

3:26

know. All I know is my

3:28

generation was told that

3:30

Len Bias took cocaine one time

3:33

and died. And

3:35

then the Lakers could win back

3:37

to back championship. As opposed,

3:39

you know, I swear to God, if Larry Bird didn't black

3:41

top his own fucking driveway and Len Bias

3:44

didn't overdose on cocaine, I mean,

3:47

First of all, the Detroit Pistons would not

3:49

even exist. That

3:53

would have been sign hour to

3:55

them no matter how much they

3:57

took your legs out when you left the floor.

4:02

One of the most overrated teams of all time, the

4:04

Detroit Pistons. Oh, yeah. I'm coming

4:06

for you today. Eighty nine ninety.

4:08

Whatever the fuck they were. Eighty eight eighty nine.

4:11

Was eighty was eight what is that? Ninety one ninety

4:13

two ninety three was the balls. Ninety four ninety five was

4:15

used in ninety six, ninety seven, eighty balls. Yeah. So it was

4:17

eighty nine ninety, was the pistons.

4:20

I'm fucking with you. I know it was a great team, but, like,

4:22

their their whole bullshit with now that, like, sitting

4:25

there acting like they're rubbing their chins

4:27

and, like, yeah, man, we were playing this

4:30

we were playing a mind game, man.

4:32

Nah, no, you weren't. You were waiting for guys

4:34

to leave their feet and you were taking

4:36

them out. So

4:39

the best player landed on his fucking head

4:41

and then you didn't have to deal with him because

4:44

who's kidding, who you weren't better than

4:46

they were. That's what it was. That's

4:48

I've never respected that kind of play where

4:50

it's just like you guys are better than us. So now

4:52

what we're gonna do is deliberately inter your best

4:54

players and beat you down to our level.

4:57

And, you know, and then the announces always

5:00

say, I'll tell you, you don't like the guy but

5:02

should love them if he was on your team?

5:04

No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. So

5:10

sorry, I'm drinking a protein

5:13

smoothie. You're not getting enough protein.

5:16

You're cutting right now, so you need to feed

5:18

your muscles. I've

5:21

been doing a great thing though. I've been staying away from

5:23

the fucking sugar. I

5:25

don't even I don't even fuck with it. The other night,

5:29

you know, I go to this place where

5:33

they sell all the balloons and all of that crap.

5:35

My daughter loves balloons. And for whatever

5:37

reason, they have like movie candy there.

5:40

Right? And it's like fucking You

5:43

can get five boxes like

5:45

the big movie size for a dollar

5:47

a wack if you get five of them. So

5:50

we were gonna go see fat so, right,

5:53

the whale. And

5:56

so I go and I get that shit. Right?

6:00

And I just ate a bunch of it. And I it was

6:02

amazing. Like, I I kinda took the ride with

6:04

the main character. Like,

6:06

the self loading, and then you

6:08

start crashing and then I was binging again.

6:10

I mean, it's such a fucking drug. I

6:14

was experiencing that that movie on two levels.

6:16

It was, like, interactive. You know, like, they try do

6:18

that with that that movie with the the fucking stretched

6:20

out blue people. Whatever that movie

6:22

is and for whatever fucking reason they decided

6:24

to make another one. You know?

6:26

I luckily waited like almost twenty years like

6:28

it was fucking Star Wars. You know? The

6:32

fuck is it? Like blue man group and outer

6:34

space, whatever they call the Smurfs

6:37

with giantism. I

6:39

just remember the first one I was rooting for the army.

6:47

It

6:47

was weirded me out. It was

6:49

weirded me out. I'll be honest with you. I got weirded

6:51

out when I saw the first one. And then also, like,

6:53

I knew it was what wasn't gonna be good. So

6:55

I went with all of, like, the

6:57

bells and whistles like you wear the three d

6:59

glasses and your fucking seat shakes,

7:02

you know, some ushers behind you,

7:04

slapping you in the head. Like, every fucking

7:07

thing they could possibly do to make that thing

7:09

I just sat there, I was like, I could give a fucking

7:11

shit about

7:14

these things. There's a thing. If they

7:16

were actually if we actually know the day

7:18

they actually cast Why aren't real

7:20

martians playing martians? We

7:26

need real aliens to play aliens. Be

7:30

funny if Donald Trump was casting that, then he would just

7:32

get a bunch of illegals that came in from

7:34

the Mexican border. That's

7:39

what that's that's what the liberals wanted. This

7:41

is the greatest movie ever I'm the greatest

7:43

casting director ever. But

7:49

the Oscar said this Sunday, And

7:52

I saw, oh my god. I keep forgetting the

7:54

name of this fucking movie I saw, and I absolutely

7:57

loved it. Oh, wait a second. Wait

7:59

a second. What

8:03

happened? Oh,

8:07

I see. That's my personal

8:09

trainer. Oh, yeah. Soak that in.

8:12

That's how Hollywood I am now. I have a personal

8:14

trainer. And for the longest time, I was

8:16

like, I'm not fucking doing. I don't need fucking

8:19

personal trainer. Alright?

8:22

I've been going to the gym since

8:24

nineteen eighty five. I know what you

8:26

do. You

8:28

walk in there. You you do your arms

8:31

in a circle a couple of times. You do

8:33

a couple of twisties at the waist. Some

8:36

jumping jacks. And then

8:38

you walk over there with your Larry Bird

8:40

shorts, the towel around your neck

8:42

tucked in to get to

8:44

your fucking rocky sweatshirt that

8:46

you cut the hood off, maybe

8:49

the sleeves too, Bilbella check style. Right?

8:53

And what do you do? You bench press

8:56

every fucking time. That's

8:59

all it was about. Does

9:01

anybody even say that anymore? That

9:03

was a big fucking deal. What do you mention?

9:06

That was my favorite line in

9:08

boogie nights. What

9:10

do you bench? They

9:13

had that line too in what

9:16

did I just say? It was called moon dogs. Wasn't

9:18

moon dogs? The fuck did that come

9:20

from? The moon dogs,

9:23

they were a wrestling crew. Why

9:27

not fuck am I thinking moon? In

9:30

fact, that that one that made Ben

9:32

I fucking Damon a star. In

9:35

Robin Williams. You know the one? Breaks

9:40

into the cars. She gets in the fight.

9:42

Colehauser. Goodwill,

9:45

honey. Moon dogs. Fuckers.

9:51

Wait a second. I'll

9:53

figure that out later why that came to me

9:55

like that. Anyway, when

9:58

they what when Damon Matt Damon's character

10:00

was asking Robin Williams character, what he bench and

10:03

and Robin Williams' character said he bench

10:05

two sixty. That took me out

10:07

of the out of the fucking movie. That

10:09

woke up some muscle memory from the eighties, I

10:11

would say, this fucking guy did bench

10:13

two sixty. Now, why don't you go down the

10:15

fucking golds and do it? I wanna

10:18

see it. Fucking

10:20

two sixty. One sixty maybe

10:22

on a fucking good day. You're

10:26

fucking any caught suck up.

10:29

Two sixty. That

10:32

was definitely improvised. Although,

10:35

you know, Robin had

10:37

those fucking hairy forearms. He had those popeye.

10:39

He played popeye. You

10:41

know what I know? Those shorter guys though, they could always

10:44

bench more because it was a shorter distance.

10:46

That's what I was always told or like doing pull

10:48

ups. That's what's amazing about Zidane Ochara.

10:51

The guy can bang out like forty pull

10:53

ups and he's eight feet tall. Can

10:57

you imagine when he was back in his home country, whatever

10:59

the fuck he was from? Right? Checklists

11:01

of vodka, Prague. Maybe he was

11:03

walking around Prague. He's

11:06

probably hanging off a fucking bridge at fifteen.

11:09

Couldn't put a pull up bar high enough. In

11:12

his apartment out there in Prague, you

11:14

know, Eastern Europe is with those fucking buildings.

11:16

They look like they're gonna fall down, but they're not, you

11:18

know, those fucking angled stairways. I'm

11:22

just

11:22

fucking with you guys. I'm this is what this is this is an

11:24

old school thing that I do is I trash cities

11:26

that I'm going to. I'm

11:30

gonna be going to Prague later on this year

11:33

on that sorry. Just a little internal

11:35

burp there. On I

11:38

got a European tour coming up. That's

11:41

gonna begin in Prague. And

11:44

it's gonna end in Athens, Greece.

11:48

You know? I don't know when we're gonna

11:50

announce it, but I'm announcing it now. I don't know why you

11:52

can't announce it, maybe because I'm in institutionalized

11:54

for all these years working with Netflix. Netflix

11:56

always says, don't say what you're

11:59

doing until we tell you when

12:01

to say it, what it is that you're doing.

12:07

So, yeah, it's gonna be a nice fun

12:09

run through Europe,

12:11

and I am very excited about

12:13

that. And some other dates, and some of my shows

12:15

went on presale. Ticket

12:18

sales were were amazing. So thank you

12:20

to everybody that bought tickets. Oh,

12:22

freckles gets to, again, this year,

12:24

not have a real job, which

12:26

really was the goal. lot of people get

12:28

into this business because they have this creative

12:31

thing they just have to get out of them. Like,

12:33

I remember hearing the story of Michael Jackson one

12:35

time, he was in he was in the studio, and

12:37

he was he was He was

12:40

recording one of his big hits. Who can it be

12:42

now? Boohoo doo. That was him. Right?

12:44

And at

12:47

the end of the track, he had to run out into

12:49

the hall and and dance it out of him, whatever

12:51

feeling he hit. Now that that's a fucking artist.

12:54

Okay? You can have that in this business

12:57

when he wasn't riding that little chu chu train around

12:59

his property. That right there or

13:04

climbing trees with eight year olds. That

13:06

was a fucking that

13:08

was an artist. And then you can have all the way

13:10

down to me. Alright?

13:14

Who's a guy? Who tried out the real

13:16

world? Oh,

13:18

I did. I packed a lunch. I

13:20

went to that building every fucking Monday

13:23

through Friday for a couple of fucking years

13:25

I tried. You

13:28

know, I tried blue collar jobs. I sucked

13:30

at that. I liked the vibe better. You know?

13:33

Because you you sort of weren't sitting at

13:35

a desk. I

13:37

tried the suit and tie thing. I tried them all.

13:39

I tried sales. I

13:42

I was a dental assistant. I got certified

13:45

to take X rays. I got my license

13:47

to sell health insurance. 0II did

13:49

it all. I tried. And

13:52

I was like, III don't like

13:54

this as work. I don't wanna fucking do this.

13:58

I don't wanna do this. So that's the only reason why I do stand

14:00

up comedy. It's not because I like comedy. I

14:02

just don't wanna go to the same fucking building.

14:04

That's what I kinda liked about sales. My favorite

14:07

part about sales was not selling somebody.

14:09

It was the in between part. Was

14:11

driving to the the

14:14

next appointment when it was the middle

14:17

of the workday and I was out driving around. That

14:19

was my that was always my favorite part.

14:21

I had a job washing windows, you

14:24

know, unlike houses and stuff like that. Your fucking

14:26

fingers would go numb with those those storm windows.

14:30

Some old lady would finally get a fucking windows

14:32

washed for the first time since the fucking Korean

14:35

conflict and you'd be sitting there trying to get him going

14:37

like the index finger You had to switch by the by the

14:39

end of the day, you were out of fingers. You're

14:41

down to your pinkies trying to get them going, you know.

14:43

You'd use them two fingers. Sounding

14:47

vaguely graphic. Talking about opening windows,

14:49

you fucking perverts. So

14:52

My favorite part of that job was driving

14:55

between each job. When, like,

14:57

it was we I had it over the summer. It was a summer

14:59

day. My buddy had this great He

15:01

had a Ford f one fifty four

15:03

wheel drive brand new, like an eighty

15:05

eight in that iconic

15:07

silver. And I thought that truck

15:10

was fucking gorgeous.

15:13

Always wanted one of those. You know, it's funny. I ordered

15:16

I ordered an f two fifty last summer of,

15:19

hey, fucking Ford Motor Company. When are you

15:21

gonna have the robots take eleven minutes

15:23

out of their day and slap that thing together?

15:26

So I could drive around town and act like I know

15:28

how to fix things. I'm

15:31

dressing the part too. I'm gonna get a flannel

15:34

gonna buy I'm gonna go to a I'm gonna go to a

15:36

fucking what what's those smelly

15:38

stores with the old clothes? Vintage

15:42

store. Right? Oh my god. You can literally

15:44

smell the people that died in those clothes.

15:49

Although, I will tell you, I

15:51

went into one of those the other day because

15:53

my wife

15:55

wanna go,

15:55

let's go in there. They they have all cute

15:58

things in there. And I go in there, like,

16:00

oh my god. Can't How how can't you smell somebody's

16:02

dead grandmother in here? It's

16:05

the combination of the smell and then you go up

16:07

to the register and they literally have broaches.

16:11

Is there anything creepier than a state jewelry?

16:13

I always just picture the swollen knuckled

16:15

finger that they pulled the ring off of.

16:17

When they came over there. The person had been

16:19

dead for four days and the cat was eating her face

16:22

because it was no more fucking cat

16:24

food around. Sorry. That's

16:26

what I think about when I go into a vintage store.

16:29

Other people go in there and they're like, hey, man, you

16:31

know what? I'm gonna dress like

16:34

the lead guitarist in an English an

16:36

underrated English rock band from the eighties.

16:38

That's what they and they go in there, and they sort of get

16:40

a coat that's kind of a World

16:42

War one German coat, but not really.

16:45

You can also throw it over a suit, you

16:48

know? Or you get some suspenders

16:50

and some leather pants and no shirt, and

16:52

then you throw the fucking the

16:55

Nazi overcoat over you, you know. And

16:57

then you gotta have a nip nipple ring to tie

16:59

the whole together. That was that was a big, you

17:01

know, and then of a

17:03

poor excuse for a fucking Mohawk.

17:08

And some of those Seattle, what

17:10

were they the not Rick

17:12

and Barker. What were those fucking boots that

17:15

everybody had with the stitching on the side?

17:17

Do know the ones the

17:19

ones that comics comics used to

17:21

wear when when I when I moved to New York, comics

17:23

who wore those those fucking shoes,

17:25

whatever they were. They didn't like comics that

17:27

had high energy. They

17:30

thought that we were hacks, performers.

17:32

Because they were riders and they would come out there

17:34

in their shoes with the stitching down the side

17:36

and they would just stand there and do their jokes

17:39

and they would kill but they wouldn't kill like a performer

17:41

and it always bugged them because their jokes

17:43

were better than our jokes and they knew it,

17:45

you know. But we were up there like

17:48

fucking Tony Robbins, you

17:50

know, with a headset, selling

17:54

the shit out of our shit.

17:59

Sweating, screaming, falling

18:01

down, doing whatever the fuck we had to do.

18:05

Why? Because we wanted to make you laugh and make

18:07

you forget about your troubles. No. Because

18:10

we didn't wanna go back to the real world.

18:17

Alright. Anyway, I

18:20

am coughing less. Oh,

18:23

Jesus. Anyway,

18:25

I watched the Celtics yesterday beat the fuck

18:28

out of the Portland Trailblazers. Portland

18:31

Trailblazers have not won the NBA championship.

18:33

I believe since

18:35

nineteen seventy seven, which I also

18:37

believe was the last year led Zeppelin

18:40

toward the United States of America. In

18:44

other words, what I'm saying is is there isn't

18:46

a bit of a drought. Forty

18:49

six fucking years Those

18:52

guys, like, what did they do? What did they fucking?

18:54

That's like some polter guy shit. Like, I don't know

18:56

what they built their stadium on, but

19:02

The amount of talented people that they drafted

19:04

and then they just get these inexplicable fucking

19:06

injuries. Like Sam Bowie

19:08

was unbelievable. Was

19:10

he at Kansas? Was he at Kentucky? 3923

19:13

of those k schools. Every

19:18

kiss beacons with k. What were those

19:20

fucking cars? Those band aid colored cars

19:22

that those chicks used to drive around? 3923 cosmetics.

19:25

There's another job I would have tried out, but

19:28

I didn't become a comedian. Alright?

19:31

And I wouldn't enjoy selling Rouge

19:33

to a fucking eighty four year old, what I would enjoy

19:36

would be the drive over to the person's

19:38

house. Oh my

19:40

god. I would fucking spray

19:42

perf I would put perfume right in my mustache

19:44

before I walked in there so I wouldn't smell

19:47

her impending death of that, you know, when you

19:49

walk in, you know? I guess none

19:51

of you guys had a paper paperts

19:54

like an old, that's like a fucking churn and butter kind of

19:56

job. I used to have I had paper from third grade until

19:58

ninth grade. And

20:01

I remember you knew what customers were gonna

20:03

die on your paper route.

20:08

You just knew when you walked in the house, you

20:10

know? Or if you walked into the

20:12

house and everybody was young, but you smelled death,

20:14

they were like, alright, then Nana's in the basement

20:16

or it's up in the attic. One of the other.

20:19

One of the other. They got they got somebody

20:21

moved in. Either their grandfather

20:23

or grandmother died and then the other one

20:26

moved in and they're down stairs and

20:28

they've begun the process of dying.

20:30

I can smell it. Please

20:32

pay me and get me the fuck out of here. This is

20:34

this is killing. And they would always have the heat

20:36

cranked. When you had a dying relative

20:38

in your house, I don't care if it was July they had

20:40

the fucking heat on. Oh,

20:43

Billy, do you wanna come in? No. That's good.

20:45

I'm good. I'm good out here. Oh,

20:47

but it's raining. I like the rain. Shines

20:50

up my freckles. Any

20:54

who? Let

20:57

me see. I saw this movie. Let

21:00

me let me see. I

21:02

think I I, you know, the

21:05

it was just too difficult to say. The banshees

21:08

of Innishiran. I hope

21:10

I'm saying it right. I

21:14

watched that the other night with Mia and just

21:16

absolutely fucking

21:19

loved that movie. Colin Farrell and Brendan

21:21

Gleeson are incredible And then there's

21:23

this other kid in there. Barry, I'm

21:25

gonna say it wrong. Kiogen or whatever

21:28

absolutely blew me away. Kerry Condon,

21:31

play in the sister. That's

21:37

that's it was kind of an instant classic. One

21:39

of those ones I'm just gonna go back to when

21:41

I'm in that kind of mood where

21:44

I don't know. Watch the movie. I'm not gonna say what

21:46

it was about, but What

21:49

I love about the two main characters is

21:51

I've been both of them at

21:54

some point in my life, not to the extreme

21:57

that Brendan Gleeson goes to, but, like, definitely,

22:01

it's about a friendship that's kind of

22:05

got to a difficult place. Alright.

22:11

So yeah. So I watched the what's I've

22:13

talked about the Portland Trailblazers and then they

22:15

got Greg Oden who

22:18

was just unstoppable at Ohio State,

22:21

Big Ten, legit basketball, you know?

22:24

And then they fucking draft him and he had, like,

22:26

some fucking, like, microscopic

22:30

fracture of his knee. They paid him

22:32

all of money could have picked him or

22:34

Kevin Durant. Let

22:36

me see what the draft. Oh, these are always great.

22:38

This this is like the worst thing a sports fan can

22:40

do. Is is

22:42

go and they look up NBA

22:46

draft, Greg,

22:54

Odin. To

22:58

Greg Oden is just he's only thirty four

23:00

fucking years old. Thirty five years old.

23:03

Unbelievable. Alright. Greg Oden Kevin

23:06

Durant. That was the big thing that you who you're

23:08

gonna pick? And the

23:10

Seattle Supersonics, at that point,

23:12

we'll call the Seattle Sonics. Alright.

23:15

The two thousand seven NBA draft.

23:19

Let's see. It went as fault. And this

23:21

is the worst thing you can do as sports fan because

23:23

any of What the fuck did they take

23:25

this guy when this guy, a guy was still

23:27

available? Draft selections.

23:31

Number one. Greg Oden was selected

23:33

first overall by the Portland Trailblazers, but

23:36

was plagued with knee injuries and retired

23:38

after seven seasons. I

23:42

mean, he was a fucking man child.

23:45

The career that kid would have had. Kevin

23:48

Durant was selected second by

23:50

the Seattle Supersonics and is considered

23:52

to be one of the greatest scores of all time

23:54

winning the two thousand fourteen MVP

23:57

back to back final end finals MVPs

23:59

and twenty seventeen and eighteen. I didn't know got

24:01

the finals MVP. Al Horford,

24:05

what a fucking draft was selected

24:07

third overall by the Atlanta Hawks

24:10

and has been named to five all star

24:12

teams. He's gonna get a championship this

24:14

year, hopefully. Mike Connolly, selected

24:18

fourth. Oh, Joaquin

24:21

Noah. When

24:23

the fuck did that guy not show up to

24:25

Ball? Answer,

24:28

never, every night. Marcus Saul,

24:30

Powell's brother. This

24:34

is what kills me. Is this what is it? Like,

24:36

two rounds of the NBA draft. This is

24:38

the hardest fucking sport to make it it. There's

24:40

two rounds. Sixty

24:43

people get drafted. That's

24:46

it. Think about

24:48

that. There's sixty four teams in

24:52

March Madness in the tournament every year.

24:54

So that means there's like four entire teams

24:57

that won't get drafted. If

25:00

they took one player. We can we can do simple

25:02

math. We can do simple math. Don't talk

25:04

down to us. Oh,

25:07

shoot. Knocked down to me with your simple

25:10

math. I want you

25:12

just a fucking high thread count count.

25:14

I really want get that

25:15

going.

25:15

Oh, a little fucking Harry,

25:18

high thread count. That's not a good one. It's

25:20

a high thread count. It's

25:22

just tough. That's why that never that never stuck.

25:27

Theodore thread count. Teddy's

25:29

thread count. I'm

25:33

gonna let that go. It'll come to me.

25:36

Alright. I'm gonna read a little bit of advertising.

25:38

I should say I'm gonna read a little bit of advertising.

25:41

I'm not gonna read a little Oh, look at that

25:43

picture.

25:46

Where'd the other one go? That was when I took my daughter

25:48

to her first and only Red Sox game.

25:51

Airplanes over the years. If

25:56

we go you know, I went to

26:01

I did a nice flight the other day, man. This

26:03

is the time of year to go fly.

26:06

When it's rained like that this year, I'm telling

26:08

you, I was talking to this guy the other day, I went

26:11

my daughter went to a birthday party. I was talking

26:13

to the dead, and he

26:15

was going like, yeah, it looks like Ireland

26:17

out here, Portland, Oregon. It's amazing.

26:20

And I was flying out. This

26:23

is fun time to go out too over like the ocean

26:25

because the whales Adi Wales.

26:28

They're starting to migrate whatever

26:30

the fuck they're doing. I've only seen one ever.

26:33

Look like a glow stick because the sun was like

26:35

noon. And it was really sunny

26:37

out. And it was just below the surface and the sun

26:40

glistening off of it. That's

26:42

all it didn't look like a whale. I was kinda disappointed.

26:44

I was like, do some whale shit. You know, bring a tail

26:46

up and smash somebody's little boat. There's

26:50

another thing too. Hollywood has a lot of balls.

26:53

Know, when you look at the casting the

26:55

casting, what did I say like that? The

26:58

way they fucking wagged I I'll never get over

27:00

that. The way they wagged their finger about social

27:03

fucking issues the shit that they've done with animals,

27:05

the stereotypes that they've done with them.

27:07

I just watched Cervical the other night with

27:09

some buddies. My god.

27:13

Fucking amazing movie. But the roles

27:15

that black people have in it, there was a

27:17

well, first woman she's getting raped

27:19

by, like, three black dudes. Every

27:22

black like, we were actually we got the three quarters of

27:24

the movie. I'm like, that is literally the first black guy that

27:26

has not got that I've seen this movie that was not

27:28

doing something illegal and then got arrested. And

27:33

then all these years later, they're like, hey,

27:35

red states, why don't you get

27:37

it together? Like, we have it together.

27:41

You ever think that maybe a lot of the ways that

27:43

they think about those people was because of the movies

27:45

that you fucking liberal cuts made. You ever think

27:47

about that? Look at me. Trying

27:50

to make points. Alright. Simply

27:52

safe. You

27:54

know, if you're a regular listener,

27:58

You know, at my age, regular means something else,

28:00

but I I still have a young brain. I know what they're talking

28:02

about here. You know, I always recommend

28:04

simply safe home security. And I'm

28:06

not the only one. And

28:09

I'm not the only one. What

28:11

was that? You may say, I

28:14

recommend simply safe home security.

28:20

But I'm not the only one.

28:22

There it is. US news

28:24

recently named Simply Safe, the best

28:26

home security system of twenty twenty 3923.

28:31

Sorry. It was a tribute to fucking Yoko.

28:34

And c cnet recently

28:36

awarded No. Sorry. In fact, I was gonna do Yoko's.

28:42

By the way, if I ever told you how much my neighbors hate

28:45

me. And cnet recently

28:47

awarded them their greatest

28:49

choice for home security. They

28:52

are may there are many reasons why

28:54

Simply Safe is trusted by experts

28:56

and customers alike. Simply

28:58

safe is designed with cutting edge technology

29:01

and backed by twenty four seven professional

29:03

monitoring. In an emergency,

29:06

use fast project tech protect

29:09

technology only from simply

29:11

safe to capture critical evidence and verify

29:13

the threat is real. So you can get

29:15

priority police dispatch. Twenty

29:18

four seven professional monitoring service

29:21

costs under one dollar a day, less than

29:23

half the price of traditional home security

29:25

sysks systems. You can lock and unlock

29:28

your doors, access your camera, and arm and

29:30

disarm your system from anywhere. You

29:33

can be in fucking Prague on some crooked

29:36

stairs locked unlocked unlocked.

29:38

You can do whatever you want. You can

29:41

watch the guy come up the walk. You unlock

29:43

it. Can you make it? Can you make it all

29:45

locked? What happened?

29:48

I don't know if you can do that. See

29:50

that name simply save editor's choice

29:52

for twenty twenty three. Customize the

29:54

perfect system for your home in just

29:56

a few minutes at simply safe dot com

29:58

slash burr. Go today. And

30:01

claim a free indoor security camera plus twenty

30:03

percent off your order and interactive monitoring.

30:05

That's simply safe dot com slash

30:07

burr. SIMPLISAFB

30:12

dot com slash burr, BURR.

30:14

There's no safe. Like,

30:17

simply safe. Yeah.

30:19

I'm telling you, man, I have the best pause

30:23

in podcast advertising reading.

30:25

I'll fucking go up with any of them. I'll

30:28

go up against the big dogs. Doesn't bother

30:30

me. Hey.

30:33

So my son's a little over two and a half now, so

30:35

he's old

30:36

enough. And I I take him fucking everywhere

30:38

now. It's my favorite thing to do. It's

30:43

just the best. And I got that idea from

30:45

the late great David Richardson, one of our

30:47

writers on epis for family. And when

30:50

I was having a boy, he he he was telling

30:52

me, he goes, oh, he goes, I used to take

30:54

my son everywhere. I took him and I just

30:56

always stuck with me. I was thinking like, man, I want a great

30:58

dad. That's a great dad thing to do, and I immediately

31:00

started doing it with my daughter because I never

31:02

took my daughter anyway because she was

31:04

my first and I was

31:06

just like, I mean, the paranoia that

31:09

I fucking had. I remember sitting

31:11

out on the front porch with her. You

31:13

know, sit, I got an old man

31:15

rock and cheer. You know, you gotta do it, people.

31:17

Just don't fight aging. Just do

31:20

it. Okay? Get yourself a little

31:22

button up sweater in a pipe, in

31:24

a rocking chair. So I'm sitting there, I'm on this rocking

31:26

chair. And second, I got out there

31:28

and I sat in that chair. You

31:30

know, finally became a dad so late in

31:32

life and couldn't believe it overjoyed, overflowed

31:35

with love. The second I sat down

31:37

medial first thing I thought of was a bird

31:39

of prey swooping in

31:42

and trying to grab my daughter, and

31:44

I pictured ripping the thing's legs off

31:46

and stabbing it to death with its

31:48

own talents. And, like, do you remember

31:50

when that fucking Nazi was

31:53

stabbing that that Jewish army guy

31:55

there and saving private

31:57

Ryan, and he was talking to him before he did it.

31:59

That's what I was gonna do to the bird. So

32:03

needless to say, I didn't take her anywhere until

32:07

David Richardson, who III missed tremendously.

32:11

One of the darkest senses of humor if anybody

32:13

I've ever met. Him

32:15

and Mark Wilmore. What a massive

32:17

losses to comedy. Anyways, that's a

32:19

sad way sad

32:21

way to end, but I am thinking about death lately

32:23

because My

32:26

friend, Diana, passed away.

32:30

Unreal. Every time I stretch now

32:32

and roll out, I I just I'll I'll I'll

32:34

never not think of her. He didn't listen to my last

32:36

podcast. She was my seventy five

32:38

year old masseuse, Jedi masseuse

32:41

that got rid of my sciatic

32:43

nerve problems, frozen shoulder, rotator

32:46

cuff things. My back was, like, twisted.

32:48

You know, I was all fucked up from lifting in the

32:50

eighties. And you're very you just I don't

32:53

know. don't know. I

32:55

was actually talking to a buddy of mine who actually introduced

32:57

me to her, and we will laugh and I was

32:59

saying about her. I was you know, if you lined

33:01

up everybody that she helped in life

33:04

and everybody that she told off because

33:06

she didn't take shit from anybody, like

33:08

both lines would disappear over the

33:10

horizon. She

33:14

was fucking hilarious. And one

33:17

of the truly just great people I've

33:19

ever met in my life. So once again, I'm still

33:21

eulogizing her restaurant. Alright.

33:23

So that's a podcast. Please enjoy the

33:25

music that the great Andrew Themis picks

33:27

up. And then we'll have a bonus episode

33:29

of the Thursday after afternoon just before

33:31

Friday, Monday morning podcast. After this, I

33:33

hope you guys have great day and a wonderful weekend.

34:38

Hey, what's going on? It's Phil Bird. It's the

34:40

Monday morning podcast for Monday. March

34:43

ninth Two

34:45

thousand and fifteen. How's it going?

34:48

How are you? Oh,

34:51

Billy Bloodbath was fucking sick

34:53

as a goddamn dog. I

34:55

think all of the world travel

34:57

caught up to

34:58

me. I had a sore throat. I think I

35:00

got a bad case of fucking

35:04

You know, I was over there in southeast Asia.

35:07

You

35:08

know what I mean? You gotta love the Asians.

35:10

The second, they start getting sick. What do they do?

35:12

They walk around coughing all over everybody

35:15

like they do here in America. Fuck no.

35:17

They go on and they get themselves a surgical

35:19

mask. God knows

35:21

this. So God damn smart half of them are probably

35:23

in medical school, so they probably get them free

35:25

of charge. But

35:26

still, still

35:28

considerate. Right? I

35:30

don't know. Maybe I fucking walked by somebody

35:32

over there that wasn't wearing one. Who

35:35

should have been with, like, the one inconsiderate person

35:37

in Hong Kong or Singapore or something.

35:39

All I there you know what the reality was is I went through

35:41

all

35:45

Jesus. This is like the best I've felt

35:47

in three days. And I

35:49

know what you guys gonna say. Oh, you know what it

35:51

is, Bill. It's just cigars. Well,

35:54

fuck you. I

35:57

don't need to hear from you. Leonard

36:00

Naimoy, sent a tweet

36:03

on his fucking deathbed that changed my

36:05

world. Alright?

36:07

I'm I'm done with the fuck. I'm not done with them,

36:09

but I'm done with Alright.

36:11

I haven't smoked in, what,

36:14

two weeks. Oh, yeah.

36:17

Why are you being so comfy? Alright. It's good

36:19

that's good for me. It's good for

36:21

me, you know? Two

36:24

weeks without a stove, sixteen

36:27

days I've gone. And I'm good, man.

36:29

I'm not gonna smoke one until I do

36:30

that, the bus tour. When I go down

36:32

south, man, go down there and

36:35

then fucking swat people. They're

36:38

now there. What do they do? Well, they're now

36:40

they're rassling an alligator. Boy,

36:45

what you doing? I

36:47

see what you're doing. It was rhetorical question.

36:49

Why don't you go way out into the swamp and see

36:51

what you can catch with your foot? Drag

36:53

it back on the beach and I'll shoot it with

36:56

shotgun mom over there throw it in the pot.

36:58

What do you think? What do

37:00

you think?

37:03

Thank you. That little skit

37:06

was called the other white people.

37:08

You know what I mean? When they're

37:10

always trying to act like white people all evil

37:13

running banks, you know? Just

37:15

remember, some of them are in swamps

37:18

shooting vacates so they can eat that night.

37:20

That's what I learned this week. When I

37:22

just sat, I sat in

37:24

bed, I laid in bed. From

37:27

fucking Thursday right

37:29

through to yesterday, Sunday, I

37:31

just stayed in bed. I fucking

37:34

canceled everything. I

37:36

was just, you know, canceled shows. You

37:39

know, I was supposed to go on a picnic.

37:41

I said, I can't do that. You know,

37:43

which really upset things because not only

37:45

was I bringing the basket, I was also bringing

37:48

a tablecloth, so my

37:50

apologies. Okay.

37:52

I didn't have a picnic. You

37:54

know, I'm thinking of a picnic because IIII

37:58

saw this thing Louis Vuitton makes they actually

38:01

make this fucking little bar, this

38:03

portable bar, this is when you know you're a

38:05

boohoo sound. You know, you

38:08

know, your wife's looking at some fucking, you

38:10

know, whatever the fuck they look at

38:12

in those stores. And you're like just thumbing

38:14

through the catalog going look at this overpriced

38:16

bullshit. Right? And all of a sudden, oh, wait a minute.

38:18

They got a bar and he can bring

38:21

it with you. Like, that's

38:23

like some old school shit before mothers

38:25

against drinking and driving. Before drinking

38:27

and driving was even a problem. First of all, back

38:29

in the day. It's like how many people even add cars.

38:32

Right? You know, there's

38:35

barely any fucking roads. They

38:37

were all pretty much straight. When right from

38:40

farmhouse, right downtown. Right? There

38:42

wasn't a problem. You

38:44

made your booze at home anyways, right in your bathtub.

38:46

There wasn't problem. So

38:49

that was a thing. You had to bring your booze from home

38:51

over to somebody else's. I don't know. I

38:54

know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I laid

38:56

in bed for, I

39:01

don't know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and

39:04

running to Sunday. And I watched a bunch

39:06

of sports

39:08

and I watched a bunch of fucking movies,

39:11

all from like the middle of the movie.

39:18

Like I saw the

39:20

middle of the Seth

39:22

Rogen Neighbors movie, I

39:24

saw that just about right after they

39:26

had moved, the kids had moved in to

39:29

the end of the movie. Then

39:31

I flipped over kept missing, like, the first

39:33

twenty minutes in every movie. I saw the Vince

39:35

Vaughan, Owen Wilson. I

39:38

don't know what happened. Somehow they ended up at this

39:40

computer company. I

39:43

saw that one. Oh,

39:45

and then I watched that whole fucking that

39:48

Robert Dursst jinxed Has

39:50

anybody been watching that? It's about this fucking

39:52

rich dude. Right? This

39:56

rich fella. Who he's

39:59

just Like everywhere he goes,

40:01

like, somebody dies.

40:05

It's like murder she wrote except this

40:07

person's always the suspect. That was

40:09

like the old joke with, like, murder

40:11

she wrote, like, everywhere that woman went, there

40:13

was always a murder, but she was never a suspect.

40:16

Well, this guy, everywhere he went,

40:18

there was a murder, and he was always the

40:20

suspect. I mean, this poor

40:22

bastard, you know. Somebody

40:25

was always getting murdered in

40:27

his vicinity. And

40:30

they kept trying to pin it on them and

40:32

they couldn't do it. Like his first

40:34

wife. His first wife, he

40:37

said, I took it down to the train station.

40:39

That's the last time I ever saw. That

40:42

was, like, thirty years ago. They

40:45

never able to pin that on him. He

40:47

had some brought out in Cali living

40:50

in LA. They

40:52

have him in the state of California. But

40:55

he flew into Northern California way

40:58

up north, like near Eureka. And

41:00

so all they can do is put them in the state.

41:02

Which is like saying, you know, there was a murder in

41:04

South Carolina. Yeah. Well, I

41:07

was in Massachusetts. I mean, that's how long the fucking

41:09

state is. And then the last one

41:11

was he had a tenant. And

41:14

that one, he actually admitted to killing,

41:16

but he said it was in self defense and

41:18

he chopped up the body because he didn't think anybody

41:20

was gonna believe him. You

41:23

gotta see this thing. And just the way the

41:25

guy talks, he

41:27

sounds like the guy who does the voice over

41:30

on the Cadbury egg commercials, you

41:32

know.

41:35

Because when he's gone, they are gone.

41:38

He sounded just like that. Like, he would just be going

41:40

like, I never knowingly

41:43

lied. I never

41:46

I never purposely.

41:49

I never purposely lied

41:52

about anything, I mean,

41:56

telling the whole truth. I mean, nobody

41:58

tells the whole truth, but I

42:00

never lied. I mean, sure

42:02

that I leave things out. You

42:05

know, you ask just if if I

42:07

leave this out because

42:11

it won't be not

42:14

the truth, but if

42:17

I'm worried of how it will be interpreted

42:19

that it could actually hurt me, then yes,

42:21

you leave it

42:22

out, but I never purposely

42:25

knowingly lied. You

42:27

gotta see this guy. And

42:29

the more you watch the I mean, right off the bat,

42:32

you like this fucking guy did this shit. And the more

42:34

you watch it, you just like, you know, go in the

42:36

other direction. You like this guy This

42:38

guy really did this shit. This guy without

42:40

a doubt, how is this guy walking? Oh,

42:42

that's right. He sees filthy, sick, and rich.

42:46

I watched that and I watched fucking

42:48

people down in a swamp, shooting Gaters,

42:50

and this kid all nervous wanted to razzle

42:53

his first alligator. And I thought it was like, Jesus

42:55

Christ, he's gonna get in the water with this fucking

42:57

thing. And all it meant was when they got one on

42:59

the line trying to pull it into the

43:01

boat without having that thing pull you over. Bilynda.

43:04

While your uncle sits there with a shotgun, go

43:07

and hold him still, and then they fucking

43:09

blow its head off. I

43:12

mean, what do you do with it? mean, you're just sitting there like,

43:14

you gotta shoot an alligator in the face.

43:16

I mean, you gotta think, like, his belly

43:18

alone You

43:20

get those large scales of some shoes.

43:23

I mean, there's pimps out there. They'll pay twelve

43:25

grand a pair. Right?

43:28

Walking over to Tom Ford. I

43:34

never knowing what he I'm gonna I'm gonna

43:37

use that. My wife one time.

43:39

Right? When

43:42

she sits there giving me shit about something,

43:45

know, he's touching of your helmet too. He's

43:47

far in the

43:48

morning. Hell, let's show me and be like, look,

43:50

I never purposefully knowingly

43:53

lied about when I was gonna

43:55

come home to you. Did

43:57

I leave out some of the truths about

43:59

buying the last fourteen rounds? I

44:02

mean, nobody tells the whole truth.

44:07

Anyways, so what else

44:09

did I watch? I watched Carolina Duke

44:16

I watched that shit and just sat there

44:18

enjoying that rivalry. And

44:22

Whenever I watched Duke Carolina or

44:24

any big, like, college

44:26

football game, Anybody

44:29

else like this? Like, don't you did you ever

44:31

just wish, like, man, I wish I

44:33

studied, you know?

44:35

Wish I studied in high school and actually

44:38

got into a good college

44:40

so I could follow a fucking, you know,

44:43

It's

44:43

a college I went to had no fucking sports programs.

44:46

There's no way to follow. There's

44:48

no way to follow. What do I do? You

44:50

know what I

44:51

mean? You

44:53

fucking go to Ohio State, like any

44:55

fucking mouth

44:57

breathing jerk off in

45:00

in in the state of Ohio. It's

45:02

a fucking state school. You

45:04

can get in there. University of Michigan,

45:06

just to be fair with that rivalry. If

45:09

you you you could be living in

45:11

a goddamn fucking cow

45:13

patch on the upper peninsula of Michigan.

45:16

You can go to the University of Michigan.

45:18

All you gotta do is I don't even

45:20

know what you gotta do. Fucking, you know, have

45:22

like a fucking b minus average

45:24

maybe and come stumble

45:27

in out of that campus campus with

45:29

you fucking blue

45:31

and maze poncho. When you you're in the

45:33

game, that

45:35

little bus city they got there. This

45:37

fucking campus is so big. They got buses

45:40

and shit. They got all these fucking

45:42

schools Well, you don't even have to be

45:44

that smart to get into. Like, USC.

45:46

There's another one. If

45:48

you just show up with a tan line, you

45:50

get in at the school, And then for the rest

45:53

of your fucking life, you

45:55

get to you get to kind of still be connected

45:57

and room for the old team.

45:59

You know, put on your raccoon fucking

46:02

floor length coat.

46:05

Right. Right. Twenty

46:07

three skidoo, whatever the fuck they do, call

46:09

a statue of liberty play. You

46:12

get to fucking hang in there. Fuck

46:15

it. What the hell was I thinking? Why

46:18

didn't I stifle? I never

46:20

purposely.

46:23

Didn't study or

46:25

lie to my teachers. God

46:30

fucking kills me. Kills me

46:32

that at my adopted school is LSU.

46:34

Right? Like, that's

46:36

that's one of those schools that, like, you know,

46:39

basically, if you just have

46:41

teeth, they're gonna let you in if you're in fucking

46:43

Louisiana.

46:45

And, you know, I know this is offending a lot of people,

46:48

but the truth hurts. Those giant fucking schools.

46:51

They have so many buildings. They

46:53

have so much real estate. The fucking

46:56

the overhead they have just to keep that

46:58

just to keep the grass mowed. Anything

47:01

with the pulse that's from that state that's

47:03

walking in, they're taking your

47:05

money. They don't give a

47:06

fuck. Go ahead. Don't go

47:08

buy a goddamn fucking

47:11

go Tiger's t shirt. Don't go fucking

47:13

do that. And then then they they they give it to

47:15

the out of state people like I actually would have been

47:17

smart as an not a state student

47:20

to get into LSU. Alright?

47:22

But if if I lived in

47:24

Louisiana, Alright.

47:28

I was down there in the swamp, right, down

47:30

there in the Marsh.

47:32

You know what I mean? My fucking

47:34

jeans all rolled up mid calf down

47:37

there trying to get some side winers and some

47:39

fucking crawfish, whatever they do down there. I mean,

47:41

you know, you know, time to fucking learn how to read,

47:43

you

47:45

know, fucking state like Louisiana.

47:48

I mean, come on. You know, Alabama.

47:51

University of Alabama, I mean, in Alberta.

47:53

Jesus Christ, they just have this

47:55

invisible line. They're

47:57

just trying to get people to learn how to read even

48:00

at even at the college level. If

48:03

you just fucking somewhere, you know,

48:07

They're just trying to get caught up just

48:10

so they're still recognized as a state. Anybody

48:12

in the northern part, you guys wear

48:14

you guys wear Crimson which

48:17

is they they think is so, like, oh my

48:19

god, a fancy name for the word

48:21

red. Right? They

48:25

they let them go to fucking Alabama. And

48:27

then any animals left down south, they

48:29

send them to Harvard. That's all it is. And

48:31

then what they do is when out of state people

48:33

show up, everybody fucking dresses up

48:36

and they put on their saddle shoes and their

48:38

fucking sweaters and then they jack

48:40

up the prices. You know what

48:42

I mean? Because someone like me, I

48:44

came from a real state, Massachusetts.

48:49

You know? I'm used

48:51

to schools like fucking Harvard and

48:53

MIT. Like,

48:55

that's like that's the high watermark

49:00

of where I'm where my head is at. Obviously,

49:02

I'm gonna think that you

49:04

have to be smart to go to the University

49:07

of Georgia. I've never been there.

49:10

I don't realize that most of the people

49:12

don't have running water in these states.

49:15

So if I was to show up there, I would just

49:17

be, you know, that I would have to pay through the

49:19

notes. So that's why I

49:21

never I didn't study

49:25

when I was in high school, because I was like, well, there's no

49:27

way I'm getting into Harvard. There's no way I'm getting

49:29

into MIT. And then the other

49:31

school, you know, here in Fucking Massachusetts

49:33

is just basically, you

49:36

know, let's get shitfaced for four years,

49:38

essentially. Right? I

49:40

gotta pick one of these schools. Oh,

49:42

and I went to all I went like, three different schools

49:45

in Massachusetts before I finally finished up.

49:47

Right? But I never went out

49:49

of state because I I just assumed

49:51

that, you know, you had

49:53

to be smart to get those schools. Had I known

49:55

now that I've gone around, I've done stand up.

49:58

In most of those schools. And

50:00

I saw the the the

50:03

unbelievable the horror of

50:05

what is the educational system in this country?

50:07

I mean, I

50:10

think I would have studied. What

50:12

do I would have gone? That's

50:16

funny. Somebody's gonna cut that up and

50:18

they're gonna put it on some fucking returning

50:23

software website. It was, I think, the incoming

50:25

freshman thing. Gonna

50:28

get fucking sued from libel

50:30

maybe. And I'll just

50:33

say it's it's a comedy podcast that was just

50:35

jokes. I wasn't knowingly

50:37

lying about your school. By

50:40

the way, speaking of that type of shit, get

50:43

in trouble for shit that you say. I

50:45

gotta tell you something right now. Watching

50:47

Kurt's shilling going

50:50

after everybody who trolled his fucking

50:52

daughter. He's one of the greatest

50:54

things I've ever seen on the Internet. I

50:57

am I am so Like,

51:00

just loving every second of watching Kurt

51:02

show and do that shit. That's the funniest shit

51:04

ever. As

51:07

far as can tell, he's the first guy

51:09

that ever flipped the

51:12

light switch on. And

51:14

sent all the roaches running for the corners.

51:18

All those tough talking fucking shit. I

51:20

mean, you know, these people are just fucking fucking

51:23

around or whatever. And showing's going

51:25

like, you

51:27

know, I know all their names. I know

51:29

where they live. I know where they work.

51:32

And how he's shut them down and

51:36

how these tweets are gonna follow them

51:38

for the rest of their lives. It's

51:41

like, current you're not that important. It's

51:44

not gonna follow them for the rest of

51:46

life for their lives. Okay? It's very

51:48

current you know, and

51:51

then it's gonna be fucking over. think

51:54

it's gonna be, but I actually think it's funny

51:57

that every once in a while, you need that balance.

51:59

You know, just to keep trolls on

52:01

their toes. I

52:06

don't know. I think it's funny as fuck. I mean, god knows

52:08

comedian is getting in trouble for everything every five seconds.

52:10

Why why can't trolls? It

52:14

says fucking idiots. Hey,

52:16

congratulations. They weren't even

52:18

good jokes either. Congratulations,

52:20

my daughter. She's gonna be pitching at this school.

52:22

This, like, I'm gonna

52:24

rape or tweet,

52:28

then he loses his job at, like, fucking

52:30

Papa John's. He's

52:34

sitting there crying in some empty pizza

52:36

box. It was just a joke, man. Can't

52:40

believe that guy with the fucking world series

52:42

rings. He's he's taken my

52:44

job, man. So

52:48

I mean, the Yankee's organization lost

52:50

their fucking job. I think it's

52:52

fucking it's hilarious. You

52:55

know, because they do it to entertainers all

52:57

the fucking time. Anything we tweet all of a sudden

53:00

is taken seriously. All of a

53:02

sudden you can't go, Aflac or whatever

53:04

the fuck People's jobs were.

53:06

Obviously, you lose that million dollar job.

53:08

What good for you? Now, you lose

53:10

your fucking

53:12

working at Starbucks job. I

53:15

don't know. I just think it's funny. I think it

53:17

would be great. I think it would be great. If every once

53:19

in a while, that

53:21

happened to Trolls. Oh,

53:24

guys. I apologize, man. Wow.

53:31

You know what happened? It was when I was really

53:33

sick, I was cranking to eat like an asshole.

53:37

And not like an assholes going through the

53:39

fucking sweats and chills sweat chills. Right? I

53:41

was like, I was kicking a heroin or something. Then

53:43

I was cranking the heat,

53:45

and then my throat got unbelievably dry

53:48

and dry. I never

53:51

knowingly

53:51

had a dry I'm sorry, I messed up doing

53:53

that. And

53:56

I never attributed to the fact that was because

53:58

I was sick and that I was actually, you know, I dried

54:01

out the fucking air. And

54:03

last night, I finally took out the old

54:05

humidifier and

54:07

it changed my goddamn world. And,

54:10

you know, something I never would have thought to do

54:12

that if I didn't try to get my pilots licensed

54:14

because I wouldn't have learned about the weather

54:17

and moisture in the air or anything. Never

54:19

would have understood it. It still would have been magic.

54:22

Weather always blew my mind. That

54:25

people could understand what was going on.

54:27

I'm like, it was like air is invisible. That's

54:30

one of the most that's one to me. That's one of the greatest

54:32

accomplishments of human beings is being able

54:34

to understand weather.

54:38

Like, how to fuck? Somebody

54:41

sat there and rather

54:43

just enjoying the breeze had

54:46

to figure out why there was a breeze.

54:51

Figured out somehow that

54:53

that there was air more dense than

54:55

other air and

54:59

that high pressure wants to go to low

55:01

pressure. And when you feel a breeze

55:04

that's fucking air

55:07

moving from one system

55:10

to a I would've fucking had time to figure

55:12

that out, or maybe you're standing

55:14

in in a in a fucking I

55:17

don't know. You know the

55:19

alley. When

55:21

you're getting the fucking venturi

55:24

effect like in a caberade Right?

55:29

Like who had the fucking those fucking

55:31

eggheads? You just got you gotta give

55:33

it to

55:34

them. But

55:36

I gotta tell you, we are despite

55:38

our smart

55:38

way, we're too smart for our own fucking good. I

55:40

I am convinced of that shit. I

55:42

gotta tell you, that's why that that fucking fella

55:45

there, you know, old

55:47

pretzel man there, you know,

55:49

with the computer voice, really annoys the

55:51

shit out of me because he's the stuff

55:53

he's predicting is is pretty

55:55

basic. Isn't it? He's

55:58

basically predicting that we're going that

56:00

we're going to be you

56:03

know, we're gonna be we're gonna hasten

56:05

our own demise. It's just like g g

56:07

wow. How'd you come up with

56:09

that? Because of every fucking thing we've ever

56:11

done, you jerk off.

56:15

So

56:15

fucking so everybody's so fucking blown away

56:17

because he's got a computer voice You

56:20

know what I mean? They didn't

56:22

treat Roger Debert that way. All of a sudden, he didn't

56:24

know every fucking thing about movies, did he?

56:26

Why are we listening to this guy like he fucking

56:29

knows everything? You know what? Because you feel bad

56:31

for him? You

56:34

know, maybe he was a

56:34

cunt. You

56:36

just don't know it now. Now he doesn't have the ability

56:39

to do it. But he was a pompous

56:40

ass. He's

56:42

kinda like the original cater, isn't he? He's just

56:44

fucking he's kinda rather than doing it individually

56:47

on Twitter. He's fucking doing it to

56:49

the whole world. I

56:52

love all these people like that. It's just like you know

56:54

something. Why don't you fucking wheel

56:56

yourself into Vegas? Okay? And

56:58

go make and just fucking

57:02

win every goddamn game. If you're this good

57:04

about the future and shit, why don't you go bet on

57:06

some fucking football games Why don't

57:08

you sit down at a blackjack table?

57:11

Alright? It just bust some casino

57:13

out. Stop with your fucking oh and

57:15

your future. Title

57:17

waves gonna shut up. Guys

57:21

going around giving speeches. Unbelievable.

57:27

Anyways, Jesus, that's a bad

57:29

one. That was the old Jesus, that was a bad

57:31

now, you know, I'm blamed that last one on cold

57:33

medicine. Alright. This is this

57:35

is the this is the Monday morning podcast

57:37

here. And I know it's

57:39

a little late this morning, but like I said, I'm

57:41

trying to finish up that helicopter I had a lesson

57:44

this morning. Alright? I had to cancel two last week

57:46

because I had whooping cough that I had

57:48

to go this morning. How did I fly? I actually flew

57:50

pretty good. I

57:55

flew over the LA River. And when I looked

57:57

at, I saw this guy in a segue. I swear

57:59

to God, I think he fucking juiced it

58:01

up. You

58:03

know, having a cough really affects your time.

58:06

Alright. You

58:08

know what I need? I need a lodging. That's

58:15

something knocking or is that the dog? Claire, what

58:17

are doing?

58:21

My god. I'm gonna have to hit fucking pause.

58:23

Oh, and I didn't tell you guys as sick

58:26

as I am. Fuck.

58:32

I You

58:35

know, one of the things when you're sick is a man,

58:37

by the time you come out the other side, you have a beard.

58:40

Right? And if somebody having

58:42

a beard, it just

58:44

makes you feel like you're homeless. Right? So

58:50

I had to shave this thing off. I'm gonna

58:52

try to talk through the cost. And Fine.

58:58

Great. This

59:06

fucking unreal. So

59:10

I go to shave this fucking thing off. I

59:14

did pause. Alright.

59:18

I'm back. Jesus Christ, I got back.

59:21

Those are gonna cough up a fucking lung here.

59:23

So I'm

59:26

going to trim this fucking beard off. And

59:29

I'm traveling the whiskers around my mouth

59:31

and my nose is stuffed up because I have a cold.

59:33

So without realizing that my mouth was a

59:35

little bit open and I was breathing through my

59:37

mouth, And I

59:39

inhaled a fucking

59:41

whisker, and it's still in the back of my throat.

59:45

It's fucking driving me nuts. Meaning

59:47

like half a loaf of fucking bread. I

59:51

can't get it out of this. So right now, when

59:54

it switches around, I already have the sore

59:56

throat, Then I got this fucking whiskey

59:58

back there. I'm in my own

1:00:00

living hell here. Do you know last

1:00:02

night? I'm laying

1:00:04

in bed. I'm

1:00:08

stopped. Sorry. Alright.

1:00:13

I'm back. Jesus fucking Christ This

1:00:16

something happens when I'm fucking my

1:00:18

nose gets stuffed up, I start breathing through

1:00:20

my mouth, it dries out my throat, and then that

1:00:22

fucking whisker starts wagging its tail back

1:00:24

there. And I'm finished.

1:00:29

So last night, I'm laying in bed.

1:00:32

And and

1:00:36

that fucking whiskers driving me crazy.

1:00:40

And I just I

1:00:42

just opened my eyes and said,

1:00:44

fuck this. Like, you know that moment

1:00:46

and no country for old men.

1:00:49

When what's his face decides he's gonna

1:00:52

go back and get that dude some Agua. It

1:00:54

was like that moment. Right? And I went

1:00:57

upstairs and

1:00:59

I opened up this takeout food

1:01:01

like utensils. And

1:01:05

I took out the knife Right?

1:01:09

And then I got some invisible

1:01:11

tape or whatever the

1:01:13

fuck you calling, you know, masking tape. You know,

1:01:16

fucking shit you do to rap presence with whatever

1:01:18

the fuck it's called. It's tape. And

1:01:21

by fucking tape up the handle. Right?

1:01:25

And then I just take this fucking plastic

1:01:30

knife with the tape on it and

1:01:32

I just stick it down on my throat. Because

1:01:34

my thing is the tape is gonna stick to

1:01:36

the hair and it's gonna pull

1:01:38

out. Well,

1:01:41

What ended up happening was I stuck

1:01:43

it down my throat. And

1:01:47

once the tape gets wet, it

1:01:49

doesn't work. I didn't realize that.

1:01:52

So I kept putting it down my throat. And

1:01:55

as I'm putting it down my pro it's just

1:01:57

ignoring the gag reflexes. It's it's

1:01:59

on gold. What? What?

1:02:01

Just doing that. Right? Which is also causing

1:02:03

my tongue to become concave, which

1:02:05

is making it harder. I need it to fucking

1:02:08

stand strong. So

1:02:10

I was thinking that that's the reason why I couldn't get

1:02:12

this fucking thing. And

1:02:16

I finally just mentally was just

1:02:18

like, I'm ignoring the gag reflex.

1:02:22

And I was able to fucking mind fuck

1:02:24

the gag reflex for a split

1:02:26

second. And but

1:02:28

what the result was I made

1:02:30

a noise that sounded like somebody

1:02:33

else made it. It didn't even sound like my own

1:02:35

voice. And it actually made

1:02:37

me laugh and then I

1:02:38

puked. And

1:02:40

I gotta tell you something. The

1:02:45

fucking hair still back there. I

1:02:48

can't get rid of it. So I

1:02:50

guess I just gotta eat like ninety thousand

1:02:52

fucking loaves a Right. If anybody has

1:02:56

a solution, I looked it up on the

1:02:58

Internet, nobody has a solution. Nobody

1:03:01

out there. Nobody knows what

1:03:04

the fuck you're supposed to do? Alright.

1:03:08

Hey, by the way, I'm gonna

1:03:10

read emails at the end of this. If you'd like to send an

1:03:12

email to this podcast, the podcast email

1:03:14

is bill at the mm podcast dot com

1:03:17

and the Twitter is at the MM

1:03:19

podcast. Is that right? Yeah.

1:03:23

Okay. Here we here

1:03:25

we go. Reactions to

1:03:28

last week's email about keeping

1:03:30

the name Isis Bill,

1:03:32

the overwhelming majority of people

1:03:35

said that that

1:03:37

that they should keep the name isis reasons

1:03:39

varied from. Don't let the terrorists

1:03:41

win to it's a great

1:03:44

sun. So

1:03:46

there you go. Follow-up to

1:03:48

the girlfriend's breath stinks. Oh, I remember

1:03:50

a couple weeks

1:03:51

ago. This guy met the woman

1:03:53

of his dreams and Her

1:03:57

breath, as George Carlin, would

1:03:59

say, could knock a buzzer off a shit

1:04:01

wagon. He

1:04:04

had to figure out a nice way to say that.

1:04:09

Alright. Bill, I Here's the follow-up. Bill,

1:04:11

I emailed a few weeks ago, a

1:04:13

few weeks back asking you what

1:04:15

to do about my girlfriend's breath. Your advice

1:04:17

as well as was taken to heart and

1:04:20

put in action Oh,

1:04:22

Jesus. Here we go. At first, thought

1:04:24

maybe giving her my iPod saying,

1:04:27

you have to listen to this. And play

1:04:29

the audio of YouTube talking about what

1:04:31

I should do while I walked away, but

1:04:33

I thought better of it, oh, Jesus Christ don't

1:04:35

do that.

1:04:38

You better hope she never fucking hears any

1:04:40

of this. I

1:04:41

never even thought of that. So fucking wound

1:04:43

up on my own bullshit.

1:04:47

He goes anyways, I sorta I sorta just

1:04:49

sat her down, told her I loved her,

1:04:51

very good.

1:04:54

Issues at that point was going like, alright, he's either gonna

1:04:56

break up with me or tell me that he's gay.

1:04:59

Look, before we go anywhere, just wanna let you know

1:05:01

that I love you. You know, fuck here it

1:05:03

comes. What do you got? A third nipple.

1:05:07

So anyways, he says that he loves her

1:05:09

and that I wanted her to go to the dentist

1:05:11

because everyone should. I

1:05:14

told her, I'd pay for her first

1:05:16

visit and then get her

1:05:18

on my dental plan when I start work.

1:05:21

Fortunately, she asks why

1:05:23

does my breath stink or something

1:05:25

sort of with a laugh like

1:05:28

she was expect expecting me to

1:05:30

say no. But I

1:05:32

kinda raised my eyebrows and shoulders

1:05:34

and smarked a bit. Oh,

1:05:38

Oh, and she goes, wasn't the

1:05:40

smooth smoothest way of doing

1:05:42

it, and she was a little

1:05:45

taken aback but

1:05:47

that was expected. She

1:05:49

thanked me for offering to pay and

1:05:51

told me she'd start taking better

1:05:53

care herself I don't think she

1:05:55

can do much more though because I did

1:05:57

see her brush and floss all the time.

1:06:00

Should have said that before clarifying

1:06:02

some things. Anyways, Hopefully, the dentist

1:06:04

finds out what's wrong and everything turns

1:06:06

out. Alright. Thanks a bunch and thanks. Thank

1:06:09

Mia for me too. Alright. There you go. So

1:06:14

What

1:06:14

was

1:06:14

I gonna say? That that's a good deal. Yeah.

1:06:16

She I remember hearing a story. So

1:06:19

forget what the hell I heard it, but it

1:06:22

would that turned out to be a sinus infection.

1:06:25

And it's just something about, like,

1:06:28

when your breath just stinks,

1:06:30

like, you just can't smell it. Which makes

1:06:32

no fucking sense. And every

1:06:34

comic in the world has done joke that makes

1:06:36

no sense because your nose is right above your mouth.

1:06:39

You gotta be smelling it all the fucking time

1:06:41

and you can't. Well, thank god

1:06:43

it worked out. I was actually meaning to

1:06:45

read advertising. It

1:06:47

was probably good that I read some nice

1:06:49

emails after my previous

1:06:52

fucking hacking up along there. Alright.

1:06:55

Alright. Let's get back to this shit here.

1:06:57

Oh, by the way, I bought a DVD the

1:06:59

other day because I'm old. Alright?

1:07:04

I'm getting SoundCloud taken off my computer

1:07:06

because I'm bold. Oh shit, am I wrapping?

1:07:09

I actually am getting it taken off fucking

1:07:12

assholes. I go to go to my fucking phone

1:07:14

to play a song that I always play and all of sudden

1:07:17

it's not available anymore. There's

1:07:19

a little cloud next to it now. Oh, is that what

1:07:21

you put it? 000, thank you.

1:07:23

Thank you for solving my fucking full

1:07:25

phone problem without even consulting

1:07:27

me first. You fucking weirdo.

1:07:32

I love like they act like they're doing me favor.

1:07:36

Then I had to download something else to be able

1:07:38

to do it, and it was actually gonna cost me more money

1:07:40

for this song that I already owned.

1:07:44

Why don't you just say my phone's your

1:07:46

phone's full? Go move some

1:07:48

of this shit to an external hard drive and then come

1:07:50

back. You can download more shit. Why don't you just

1:07:52

do that? Stop acting like you're

1:07:54

doing me a favor by, oh, hey, I'll hold

1:07:56

on to some of your shit. I

1:08:00

don't know. I'm sure some fucking nerd will tell me

1:08:02

that I'm being paranoid, but I don't think I

1:08:04

am. So anyways, I bought Jojo mayor's

1:08:06

new what's that new? Came out

1:08:08

last year, his his follow-up

1:08:11

to secrets of the modern drummer

1:08:14

or whatever the fuck it's called. And this

1:08:17

is the one he did one a couple years

1:08:19

ago. He knows about

1:08:21

all these different, you know, molar techniques and all

1:08:23

that type of shit. Molar

1:08:26

method and all that different grips and

1:08:28

all that chickas he can play at blinding

1:08:31

speeds. And never get

1:08:33

tired. Right? Because

1:08:35

he's using it all efficiently. It's all

1:08:38

physics and that shit. So this

1:08:40

guy Joe O'Mear has

1:08:42

the fastest based drum foot I have ever

1:08:44

heard in my life. And

1:08:46

I know that's saying a lot. For single

1:08:49

based drum player, this guy

1:08:51

can do three, four in a row, like,

1:08:54

I never heard anything like it, blew

1:08:56

people away, and It's

1:09:00

basically the same

1:09:02

kind of, like,

1:09:05

that push pull method that you do with

1:09:07

with with your hand. He does it with

1:09:09

his foot and just had the discipline

1:09:12

to sit there and do it. And I

1:09:15

saw Steve Gadd do something like that first

1:09:17

on his up close video like thirty years ago

1:09:20

and Jojo has just taken it to a whole

1:09:22

other level So now he has a DVD where he

1:09:24

breaks it down. And basically,

1:09:28

now that that knowledge is out there and then he showed

1:09:30

everybody how to do it, I can't imagine what

1:09:35

this next generation of drummers is gonna

1:09:37

be is from from day one. From the day

1:09:39

one, when you sit down to learn

1:09:41

drums like that information, is already on

1:09:43

video for you to watch. Like, this

1:09:45

is why, like, some

1:09:47

of these kids I see. Every time I think I'm getting

1:09:49

better at drums, there'll be some eight year old

1:09:51

kid Not even on YouTube

1:09:53

because there's already, like, you know, prodigy. There's always

1:09:55

been kids like that, but I'm just going down to Guitar Center

1:09:58

or whatever, and there's always some kid in there.

1:10:01

After I played, I think I sounded alright.

1:10:04

If any other drummer was listening, like, some kid

1:10:06

will just sit down. I'm like, ah, you motherfucker. It's

1:10:09

always somebody better. So anyways, that's

1:10:11

gonna be my new obsession. I

1:10:13

mean, if you could do half the shit that this guy

1:10:15

did, you know, just being able to

1:10:18

play along to so many of those songs

1:10:21

just growing up there. was like, oh my god. How's that guy's

1:10:24

foot so fast? It will be a joke

1:10:27

Like, the fact that this guy rather

1:10:29

than just figuring out this shit himself

1:10:31

and just hoarding it to himself, and not

1:10:33

letting anybody film him, the fact that he just shares

1:10:36

it with everybody. It's so fucking cool. And

1:10:38

it's like this total, like, it's

1:10:40

A3DDD thing I mean, the first

1:10:42

one was like an hour and a half long. I don't even know

1:10:44

how long the other ones are. One of them is just

1:10:46

the entire history of the bass drum itself

1:10:49

I mean, this guy is obsessed in a

1:10:51

in a great way about the whole thing, so I highly

1:10:53

recommend it. Like

1:10:56

I said, I was late up for fucking three, four

1:10:58

days, and that's

1:11:01

all I did was just sit there and

1:11:05

I watch this thing on women in prison.

1:11:09

And you're thinking like, alright, man, this can't be

1:11:11

worse than guys. But,

1:11:14

you know, oh my god. Just, you know,

1:11:16

they just showed the blood after

1:11:19

a fight that was on the floor between two

1:11:21

and they didn't even have any weapons. I

1:11:23

mean, it looked like somebody fucking got

1:11:26

at a pig. Fucking.

1:11:29

III would never the

1:11:34

only way I could ever survive in

1:11:37

prison was the second I got there would

1:11:39

be to attack a guard and

1:11:42

then survived the beatdown and

1:11:47

every time they went to take me out of the hole,

1:11:50

I would just attack them again, and then would

1:11:52

then they finally just decide that

1:11:54

this person cannot be around anybody

1:11:56

else. And

1:11:59

then I would slowly go crazy

1:12:02

They'd let me out once a day. My vision

1:12:04

would end up being fucked up. You

1:12:06

know, your eyes actually if they keep you on cell

1:12:08

long enough, that actually fucks

1:12:11

with your vision. You lose your far

1:12:13

sighted ability because you

1:12:15

don't use it anymore, because you're fucking looking

1:12:18

You know, you can't see beyond eight

1:12:21

feet. Isn't that

1:12:23

fucked I saw something about that one time?

1:12:26

I can't remember where. Or did maybe somebody

1:12:28

tell me that and they had no scientific

1:12:30

background? I have no idea, but I'm presenting

1:12:32

it as fact. What

1:12:36

else? Jesus, I'm taper it

1:12:38

off here. Oh, and I saw

1:12:41

commercial for the new fucking Cadillac. Ford

1:12:45

or fucking sedan that's gonna

1:12:47

go two hundred miles an hour. How

1:12:49

fucking great is that? I swear

1:12:52

to God. I swear

1:12:54

to God. I I think we're handling global warming

1:12:56

perfectly. Just

1:12:59

stay the fucking course. And

1:13:01

when it all just, you know, whatever. When

1:13:03

the water rises up like it is in Miami,

1:13:07

you know, when that happens over the last bit

1:13:09

of greenland, know, we had a good

1:13:11

time.

1:13:12

We had a good fucking time. We had a nice run.

1:13:15

You know? Why

1:13:18

not? Two hundred miles an hour sedan. Phenomenal.

1:13:21

Alright. Let me read couple more of these things. I apologize

1:13:24

for the weird breathing the sound

1:13:26

of my fucking cough drop, but I I'm a plane

1:13:28

hurt this week. Alright? Give me a break. Just be

1:13:30

lucky. can't smell the Vicks vapor rub.

1:13:33

Alright, girlfriend flirting. Girlfriend

1:13:37

flirting. Hello,

1:13:39

Red Billy Boy. I have a question for

1:13:41

the podcast. I met

1:13:43

a great girl six months ago, six

1:13:45

months ago. She's a real

1:13:47

lady. And

1:13:49

she prides herself on being honest

1:13:52

and loyal. That's

1:13:54

a red flag. Anybody

1:13:57

who says, I pride myself on being honest

1:14:00

and

1:14:00

loyal. I just feel like they're already fucking that's

1:14:02

like Roger Clemens when he used to always do the

1:14:04

workout videos. You

1:14:06

know, for the local TV. Look how hard he works

1:14:09

out and you find out he's fucking, you know,

1:14:12

doing rides and whatever the fuck he got busted

1:14:14

for. Here's another one

1:14:16

I noticed. I watched a lot of reality

1:14:18

TV with my wife and she watches the fucking

1:14:22

the apprentice. Donald Trump.

1:14:25

This

1:14:26

is what I learned. Anybody who uses that expression

1:14:29

lead follow will get out of the

1:14:32

way Right? They're

1:14:34

they're always a fucking moron. And

1:14:37

they're always it's they're basically

1:14:39

saying, like, fuck it, I want you to do everything

1:14:41

my way. That's

1:14:43

such a moron expression lead,

1:14:47

follow, or get out of the way. I

1:14:49

don't know who came up with that, but it was

1:14:51

instantly on t shirts. And

1:14:53

I never saw anybody remotely intelligent

1:14:56

with the t shirt that said lead follow and get

1:14:58

out of the way. It's

1:15:00

just that classically. I don't know. I

1:15:02

know how to do shit. Lead,

1:15:06

follow, get out of the way. Fucking

1:15:08

Iain Zering was saying that. This

1:15:12

is how pathetic my life was. I was

1:15:14

watching Iain Zering on

1:15:17

what was my dog by the way? I am zaring

1:15:19

on fucking the

1:15:21

apprentice. And he had to come

1:15:24

his team had to come up with a jingle for some

1:15:26

sort of new fucking Budweiser

1:15:28

that they wanted to promote

1:15:33

down on the Caribbean. So

1:15:36

he decides he's gonna come up with a jingle.

1:15:38

It's between him and Johnny Damon, so you

1:15:40

know the song's gonna be good.

1:15:42

Right? And he

1:15:43

comes up with, like, you

1:15:46

know, drink fucking Budweiser, blah

1:15:48

blah blah. He

1:15:52

just it's La Cuca Racha. They're looking at

1:15:54

him. And he's

1:15:54

like, he's like, I gotta get away from you guys because you're

1:15:56

singing other stuff. I need to go over here and create.

1:15:58

And he comes back with new lyrics

1:16:01

for La Coupa Rachael. Right?

1:16:06

He fucking he he fucking

1:16:08

vanilla iced it. And

1:16:09

then they're like, dude, that's

1:16:10

Likuga ratcher. We can't use that.

1:16:14

And he got all fucking pissy. So

1:16:18

we

1:16:19

gotta use something else or whatever. And he just

1:16:21

kept saying lead, follow, or get

1:16:23

out of the way. So

1:16:26

the the the project manager finally

1:16:28

looks at him. She goes, I am

1:16:30

leading. And he goes, well, you gotta

1:16:32

delegate. She goes, I am delegating. I

1:16:34

need you to shut the fuck up.

1:16:37

That was great. And he got

1:16:39

all

1:16:40

mad. He

1:16:41

got mad. And then what type for them to

1:16:44

present it to Donald Trump. He halfasted.

1:16:46

He didn't sing along. He was a big

1:16:49

fucking baby. How

1:16:52

can you be fifty years old to be that

1:16:54

big of a fucking baby? It just was unreal.

1:16:56

You get a pout The

1:16:59

fuck pout is at fifty. didn't

1:17:01

get my way. What do they take your fucking

1:17:04

pale and shovel? Gives

1:17:06

a fuck. Let somebody else

1:17:08

write the song. And if it sucks, they're gonna get

1:17:10

fired. Put your heart and soul into it.

1:17:12

And he didn't. He acted like a stunt And

1:17:15

you know what? He got himself fucking

1:17:17

booted right back to Beverly Hills. Can't

1:17:20

pull it bastard. You know what? If he

1:17:23

was ten years younger, he would have got the good hair

1:17:25

plugs. You know? He

1:17:27

would have he got those late ninety ones up. I don't wanna

1:17:29

tell you. It was a little rough one. You know? What

1:17:32

am I doing here? I met

1:17:34

a girl six months ago. Alright. There we

1:17:36

go. Lead, follow, get out of the way. Right?

1:17:38

Alright. Now a few

1:17:41

weeks ago, she

1:17:43

said that she doesn't even flirt, which

1:17:45

seems seemed very odd. Yeah.

1:17:48

Yeah. She's already, like, she's learning

1:17:50

this recap this. She's a real lady,

1:17:52

and she prides herself on being honest and

1:17:54

loyal. A few weeks ago, she

1:17:56

said she doesn't even flirt, which

1:17:59

seemed very odd. A few days later,

1:18:01

I heard her giggling and being very flirty

1:18:03

with this guy she studies with, I

1:18:05

confronted her about this and she

1:18:07

said, this is how she always talks to him

1:18:09

and I'm overreacting. I let it go.

1:18:12

Since I always sometimes flirt with other

1:18:14

girls when she's not around. This

1:18:16

week, she's going on vacation

1:18:19

with her colleagues. This guy

1:18:21

is also going. Oh, the same

1:18:23

guy. Oh, Jesus. I

1:18:26

brought up the vacation subject and mentioned

1:18:28

that in Trips, that

1:18:30

I have been as a single guy,

1:18:33

there was a lot of sex and partying.

1:18:37

She says that they don't do

1:18:39

that and tries to change the subject.

1:18:42

Let me guess. Is she going to hedonism? Down

1:18:45

on the island there, whatever the fuck that goes down.

1:18:49

She says, I don't think that

1:18:51

she is cheating, but I feel that she is

1:18:53

hiding

1:18:54

something. She also doesn't seem

1:18:56

very attracted to me lately even

1:18:58

though she says so. What's

1:19:00

your take on this one? What do you think about

1:19:03

flirting. Thanks and go fuck

1:19:05

yourself.

1:19:07

I think you're with a lying sack of

1:19:09

shit. Who's

1:19:11

a sociopath

1:19:13

and they're saying all

1:19:15

the right fucking things

1:19:19

And it's also somebody that is hasn't

1:19:22

found who they wanna be with, and they're afraid

1:19:24

to be alone. So they just get with people

1:19:26

and when the initial attraction wears

1:19:28

off, they'd rather

1:19:30

than break up, they just keep fucking lying

1:19:33

and I never knowingly intentionally

1:19:36

lied. I think you have to listen to your gut here.

1:19:38

I think she's I think this is the tip of the iceberg.

1:19:40

This is only six months in She's

1:19:42

going on a fucking vacation with other

1:19:45

colleagues. Dude, six months into this chick was

1:19:47

into you. She'd wanna go on vacation with you.

1:19:50

She wants to go on vacation with this fucking

1:19:52

creep. She caught her flirting with after she

1:19:54

said she doesn't flirt. When you didn't even

1:19:56

give her shit about flirting, she went out of her way

1:19:58

to say she doesn't flirt. Give

1:20:00

me a fucking break. Hey,

1:20:02

I'm a really honest and loyal person. Oh, by the

1:20:04

way, I don't do heroin. Why

1:20:07

why why did you just bring that up? Oh, you know,

1:20:09

I'm just splitting it out there.

1:20:11

I I don't believe in it. So you know

1:20:13

all the spoons have bent. That's

1:20:16

just my gut. The way you presented it too,

1:20:18

by the way, you might have left some stuff out, but the way

1:20:20

you presented it, I think she's I think she's

1:20:22

a fucking liar. Alright.

1:20:28

PS, thank you for sharing. Your honest insight,

1:20:30

you funny bastard. I love the advice on

1:20:32

life and women. I also don't trust

1:20:33

banks. that's nice. Alright. Well, I

1:20:35

don't trust your girlfriend. How

1:20:37

about that? What do you say? What do you say that?

1:20:39

What do you say that? You

1:20:42

know what's funny about that? And if she actually did

1:20:44

cheat, then you confronted

1:20:46

her about it on one of these fucking

1:20:49

TV shows that they would actually still

1:20:51

they would still somehow blame the guy.

1:20:55

You know what I mean? I

1:20:57

love that shit. Like, they

1:21:00

actually there's there's an article somewhere on the Internet

1:21:02

I saw it. You know, those things that they try to just

1:21:04

get you to click on it, and it

1:21:06

always works for me, you know, the top ten

1:21:09

bad celebrity nose jobs, the

1:21:12

top ten fucking gangster movies

1:21:14

of all time, blah blah blah blah. They had

1:21:16

the top ten reasons women cheek Right?

1:21:18

So I looked it up. And eight of the reasons

1:21:21

were the guy's

1:21:23

fault. It's

1:21:25

the funniest fucking shit ever. Oh,

1:21:27

another movie I saw a little bit of, remember that

1:21:29

movie Monster with Charleith Theron.

1:21:37

That that movie is one of the most sexist

1:21:40

fucking movies of all fucking time, but it'll

1:21:42

never be called on it because it's it's

1:21:44

going in the other direction.

1:21:46

The fact that that is a movie about a serial

1:21:48

killer is it's

1:21:50

like, when you look at movies about serial killers,

1:21:52

like the Jeff damer one, the Henry Portrait

1:21:55

of a serial killer. They are they

1:21:57

are fucking They

1:21:59

are monsters. Right? This

1:22:01

fucking movie, despite the fact it was

1:22:03

called Monster, it was a goddamn

1:22:05

love story, and they justified so

1:22:08

much of killing to the point when she finally

1:22:10

gets busted. It's this

1:22:12

big emotional moment of

1:22:14

when her her lover is is

1:22:17

gonna trailer and radar out on the stands.

1:22:20

And is her you know, Charley's

1:22:22

character is sitting there crying

1:22:25

she's saying with her eyes. Like, it's okay,

1:22:27

baby. I understand. Do you know how

1:22:30

fucking infuriated I would be?

1:22:33

If I was a a relative one

1:22:35

of the actual victims of that absolute

1:22:37

fucking lunatic

1:22:39

serial killer, They

1:22:41

almost made her a fucking hero. mean,

1:22:46

I was waiting for this Sally Field moment,

1:22:48

what she's just stands up and holds union

1:22:51

now

1:22:51

as, you know, for other fucking female

1:22:53

serial killers.

1:22:54

It was ridiculous.

1:22:55

I don't know. I don't I don't have any I

1:22:59

don't know. I'm getting very

1:23:01

extra jaded as I get older and I

1:23:03

I I'm giving a fuck less

1:23:06

about people's complaints because

1:23:08

I'm finding they never complained

1:23:10

for other people. They're always

1:23:12

bitching for themselves. Right?

1:23:16

Like take the Oscars. Women

1:23:19

got up there. Right? And they complained that they don't

1:23:22

get paid enough and blah blah blah blah

1:23:24

blah blah. Now why are they complaining?

1:23:27

Are they complaining because it's unfair?

1:23:30

Or are they complaining because it's unfair

1:23:33

and it's happening to them? You

1:23:35

know what I mean? Which

1:23:37

is the reason why guys aren't complaining about

1:23:40

it because they don't give a fuck about it because

1:23:42

it's not happening to them. But

1:23:44

that doesn't make women better people because

1:23:46

women don't give a fuck about the shit that's

1:23:48

happening to

1:23:49

guys. Have you ever seen a woman out

1:23:51

there that gives a fuck

1:23:53

that there's yet another fucking man

1:23:56

standing in a bay window, looking

1:23:58

out, seeing a FedEx or a UPS

1:24:00

truck pulling up, as he's just

1:24:02

sitting there having a mini heart attack

1:24:04

thinking in his head Jesus Christ, what the

1:24:06

fuck did she buy now? She's

1:24:09

spending all my fucking money. What the fuck

1:24:12

could she have possibly bought now? She's

1:24:14

spending it faster than I can make

1:24:16

it. You know, what about that

1:24:18

financial dynamic? Did

1:24:21

they ever bring that

1:24:21

up? Have they ever seen a woman stick up

1:24:23

for

1:24:24

a guy in that fucking situation? Why

1:24:27

would they? They don't have

1:24:29

time? They have their own fucking problems?

1:24:31

So that's how I view

1:24:33

it. Oh, is that what's happening

1:24:35

to you? That sucks for

1:24:37

you. I

1:24:41

don't really feel that, but it's just It's

1:24:43

just fun to annoy people sometimes.

1:24:46

Alright. Let's plow ahead here. I

1:24:49

do get and look, obviously, I feel like people should

1:24:51

make the same amount, you

1:24:53

know, if you do the same fucking job. Alright.

1:24:56

But, you know, when you're also completely fucking

1:24:59

that same group of people over that you're bitching

1:25:01

about, in a hundred other fucking areas

1:25:04

of life and you choose to overlook at it,

1:25:06

overlook it. You know what I mean? Maybe

1:25:09

guys make more money so we can afford to

1:25:11

fucking get a one bedroom apartment after

1:25:13

you keep the fucking house during the

1:25:15

divorce. Maybe do you ever think maybe that's why

1:25:17

we make more for for movie? I

1:25:22

don't know. Just for Anyways, in general,

1:25:24

just watching people complaining about being in movies

1:25:26

is is something fucking hilarious to

1:25:28

me. There's just something about

1:25:31

I I'll be ever since I went to India, it's

1:25:33

just over. When I listen to myself

1:25:35

complain, there's always in the back

1:25:37

of my head, I just think of some of the shit

1:25:39

that I saw there, and it all just becomes

1:25:42

funny to me, not in a disrespectful way

1:25:44

to India, but like, laughing

1:25:46

at myself about what my complaints

1:25:48

are. You know? When I pretend

1:25:50

to be a cowboy, I don't make as much

1:25:52

as you do, Oh,

1:25:56

what size is your mansion? Fat

1:26:01

shaming help.

1:26:03

Hey, they're Billy back on the wagon. I

1:26:05

am back on the wagon. I mean, I had a couple of fuck.

1:26:07

I had glass of wine last night, but I I have not

1:26:10

been booze. This is

1:26:12

what a good boy had been. Paul Versey. The

1:26:15

great Paul Versey was

1:26:18

at my house and I watched the smoke at Cuban

1:26:20

cigar and I did not spoken with them. And

1:26:22

by the way, he saw the rebuild downstairs,

1:26:25

and he gave it rave reviews. Rave

1:26:28

reviews. I'll

1:26:31

tell you right now, I will fucking put

1:26:34

my downstairs bathroom. I will put this

1:26:36

bathroom up against any

1:26:38

fucking bathroom. In a five

1:26:40

mile radius. Right? So that's saying something

1:26:42

in LA. There's a lot of fucking super

1:26:45

talented people out here that they

1:26:47

have they got bathroom money. Alright?

1:26:50

I am at dance and monkey level.

1:26:53

Alright? So I

1:26:57

took my dancing monkey money and I put it

1:26:59

into a fucking I'll tell you right now, and it's not a

1:27:01

day. It's not a

1:27:03

fucking day. It's the greatest fucking thing ever.

1:27:06

Everybody thinks you put a bathroom in for the broads.

1:27:08

They don't fucking get you put a steam shower

1:27:10

in. It's fucking over. It's

1:27:12

unreal. It's unreal. The

1:27:14

only thing miss missing from it is in

1:27:17

in that steam is just a

1:27:19

fucking a fucking gorgeous

1:27:21

masseuse walks through it you know,

1:27:24

it finishes you off with a handy. Wouldn't

1:27:26

that be fucking phenomenal? Can

1:27:29

you imagine how how much more

1:27:31

forgiving the business world would be

1:27:33

if every man's day started that

1:27:35

way. Oh, Just

1:27:37

don't understand.

1:27:38

But the church churches against

1:27:40

it, can't have that happen? Can you imagine

1:27:42

that? You know, and then you spray little

1:27:45

eucalyptus in the air afterwards. It's

1:27:47

it's just who's fighting on the subway.

1:27:51

Nobody.

1:27:55

And if elected, every

1:27:57

man gets his steam shower and

1:27:59

a handy to start the

1:28:01

business

1:28:02

day, Alright. Fat shaming. Hey

1:28:04

there, Billy back on the wagon. Love

1:28:07

the podcast and

1:28:07

also want to form with you and Joey.

1:28:10

Rose's I was supposed to

1:28:12

hang out with roses the other night. I was too sick,

1:28:14

man. If I can love that son of a bitch. I'm

1:28:19

six one and used to weigh three hundred

1:28:21

seventy pounds. And now I'm down

1:28:23

to two hundred nineteen

1:28:24

pounds. God damn right you are.

1:28:27

Good for you. Dude, that's

1:28:29

fucking insane.

1:28:31

That is a hundred and fifty one pounds.

1:28:34

My math is correct. That my math is correct.

1:28:37

Wow, man. If that

1:28:39

that thing that I overheard a bar that says

1:28:41

if you're fucking every pound

1:28:44

of fat is five miles of capillaries, that's,

1:28:47

like, six hundred and five miles you

1:28:49

just took off of

1:28:51

a road that you're fucking hard at the

1:28:54

pump every time it goes, whoa, whoa.

1:28:56

Wow. Wow. Wow.

1:28:58

Wow. That's fucking phenomenal. I

1:29:01

said it took me a little more than a year to lose

1:29:03

that much and you were a big help

1:29:06

with

1:29:06

that. Your podcast makes working out fun.

1:29:08

After all, what could be more fun than old Billy

1:29:10

Boy screaming about nerds of the government?

1:29:13

More than that, your fat shaming always

1:29:15

makes me work a little bit harder, and

1:29:17

I had never noticed the way

1:29:19

I'd get derailed by sugar and salt

1:29:21

combo that you frequently talk about.

1:29:24

For a functionally illiterate angry

1:29:26

head case, you drop quite a bit

1:29:28

of

1:29:28

knowledge, my friend. I'll tell you, well, look,

1:29:31

I do the same thing everybody else does.

1:29:33

I fucking yoyo up and down, but I

1:29:35

keep it within a twenty mile, twenty

1:29:37

mile, a twenty pound thing.

1:29:40

Like, I went back up to a buck eighty fours

1:29:42

down to one sixty eight. That's my

1:29:44

wheelhouse. One sixty eight, one seventy two, I went

1:29:46

all the way back up to, like, fucking a buck eighty

1:29:48

four. And I'm disgusted with

1:29:50

myself and I'm

1:29:53

back down to what

1:29:55

is it? Like, one one seventy

1:29:58

eight, one seventy nine. So I dropped five pounds. And this

1:30:00

is what I do. I just I

1:30:03

just immediately III

1:30:05

actually will go to the gym because if

1:30:07

I just get on a fucking

1:30:09

elliptical, alright, for

1:30:11

forty five minutes and then do the five minute

1:30:13

cool down, I just start doing that every

1:30:15

fucking day and it fucking

1:30:19

sucks for the first three

1:30:21

days. The

1:30:23

first three days. And that first fucking night,

1:30:26

when you stop eating around five or six,

1:30:28

and you just had a protein with a

1:30:30

salad, and then you just crushing waters

1:30:32

for the rest of your night. Okay. But

1:30:34

you got that sugar and salt. You're

1:30:37

fucking addicted to it because you've been eating

1:30:39

it. Is go get some ice cream.

1:30:41

Get a burger. Order a pizza. Go

1:30:44

make yourself some eggs. You just have to

1:30:46

fight through that. So like I'm on

1:30:48

it right now. So what I do is I have

1:30:51

celery and turkey slices.

1:30:54

And even then, a lot of that turkey slice. It'll

1:30:56

have a lot of salt in it, so I kinda limit

1:30:58

that, but I just I'll

1:31:00

put a little peanut butter on fucking the

1:31:04

the piece of celery. Just

1:31:06

shove those things down. You're I mean, fucking

1:31:08

eating celery is like eating air. And

1:31:12

all you gotta do is just make it through the first night.

1:31:14

And the next night is way easier as far as the

1:31:16

food thing goes, but cardio sucks for

1:31:18

three days for me. And then after

1:31:20

that, then I'm fucking addicted to it, which is how I

1:31:22

got sick because I knew I was feeling run down

1:31:24

and I still went and did another

1:31:26

fucking fifty minutes walked out of

1:31:28

the gym, the wind was blowing.

1:31:31

I don't got a lot of fucking shingles on

1:31:33

the roof anymore. The next thing you know, I got

1:31:35

Ebola. But anyways, that

1:31:38

is a big thing is not only

1:31:41

acknowledging your sugar salt addiction,

1:31:43

but understanding how

1:31:46

it affects you, because I would think just like

1:31:48

everybody, it affects everybody differently, but,

1:31:50

like, knowing like

1:31:53

Like the other day, I was just so I was I was trying

1:31:55

to eat well as long as I could through trying

1:31:57

to beat this cold. And then finally, I just

1:31:59

had enough. I just just like fuck this man. I just

1:32:01

want a pizza. And I ordered a pizza

1:32:03

and I

1:32:06

remember thinking, alright, I'm meeting this

1:32:09

at night. This is all salt.

1:32:11

It's gonna send my salt through the fucking roof.

1:32:13

And then tomorrow morning, I'm either gonna

1:32:16

want more salt with a big

1:32:18

fucking eggs and sausages and

1:32:20

that

1:32:20

shit. Or I'm gonna go the other direction.

1:32:22

And for some reason, like, I

1:32:23

don't know why. I just feel like I wanna waffle.

1:32:25

Yeah. Because I eat a whole fucking pizza the night before.

1:32:28

And it's literally it's like people

1:32:30

who fucking drink booze because they did too much

1:32:32

coke and you're trying to even yourself

1:32:34

off. And what you really need to do is

1:32:36

just wake up knowing that you're

1:32:38

gonna be craving those things and you plow

1:32:41

through it and you just make the oatmeal

1:32:43

instead and you shovel that shit

1:32:45

down in within three spoonfuls, your

1:32:49

body will start to fucking level out,

1:32:51

and you'll remember that,

1:32:53

oh, food is supposed to energize me.

1:32:56

Not drag me down to the fucking mat.

1:32:58

And if you can remember that for

1:33:01

me anyways, that's how I was able

1:33:03

to keep I like, I've gone down

1:33:05

to a buck sixty eight, like probably four

1:33:08

times since I moved out to LA. And

1:33:11

this time, I'd stayed within one hundred sixty

1:33:13

eight, a buck seventy two for

1:33:16

almost a year, year and a half.

1:33:18

And I used to when I would get down,

1:33:20

it take me like six months to get

1:33:22

down to that level. And then the second I got

1:33:24

down to that level, I would reward

1:33:26

myself with the fucking cheeseburger. And I

1:33:28

would

1:33:28

like, hey, I've been sober six months. Let

1:33:30

me go shoot up some heroin to fucking

1:33:33

celebrate. You do I'm doing the exact

1:33:35

same thing. And

1:33:36

then you just fucking You're right back. You know?

1:33:39

Chasing the dragon man, and then

1:33:41

I would just oh, I

1:33:43

mean, Jesus Christ, you could put it back

1:33:45

on, you know, six months to take

1:33:47

it off, put it back on in six weeks. And

1:33:50

I would I would fight it, but it would take

1:33:52

me like, you know, two and a half months.

1:33:55

Gotta be right back to a bucky. Like, the most depressing

1:33:58

fucking number. That second

1:34:00

number is when I see that 8II just

1:34:03

I just refused to fucking be above

1:34:05

a buck eighty. With

1:34:08

my build and everything. So I'm at least back

1:34:10

down to, you know, one hundred and seventy nine, one hundred and seventy

1:34:12

eight or something. I'm gonna start working out again

1:34:14

tomorrow going right back on the fucking elliptical.

1:34:17

And I'm

1:34:20

I'm gonna try to have the discipline this time

1:34:22

to actually get a truly like,

1:34:25

try to get my six pack back one last

1:34:27

fucking time before I slide into fifty.

1:34:29

And just

1:34:33

the level of discipline and the understanding

1:34:35

of nutrition that I'm gonna have to have. I

1:34:37

really wanna fucking do it and I

1:34:40

told you, I'm gonna do this bid. I'm so sick of fucking

1:34:42

people who book movies and then they get

1:34:45

upset that fucking Hollywood tells

1:34:47

them to work out. It's

1:34:49

It's fucking ridiculous. It's like you're gonna

1:34:52

be in a fucking movie. And then

1:34:54

the people are gonna put a millions of

1:34:56

dollars into this thing. They're trying

1:34:58

to not lose money. They're trying to get

1:35:00

their money back. You know, I'm not

1:35:02

giving anybody shit. I know it's hard to lose weight. For

1:35:04

other people, it's harder. But for you to fucking

1:35:07

complain, that somebody wants you

1:35:09

to look good in a movie or to look

1:35:11

your best. It it once

1:35:13

again, it's fucking ridiculous.

1:35:16

So those

1:35:19

people that are, you know, fucking

1:35:21

Brad Pitts in his fifties. The guy still has

1:35:24

you know, abs. Like,

1:35:27

the level of dedication that is and fuck

1:35:29

you. He's got his own personal chef. I don't give a

1:35:31

fight a personal chef. It'd be like, make me

1:35:33

some waffles, man. I mean, I

1:35:35

would. What's he gonna say?

1:35:37

No. Telling

1:35:40

you, it's a fucking discipline and I and I

1:35:42

don't have it. I have the discipline to

1:35:45

get to within about eight pounds of

1:35:47

it. And then I just I

1:35:49

give into, like, the, hey,

1:35:51

man, I'm like, I'm a buck

1:35:53

sixty eight. I'm like, seventeen

1:35:56

pounds away from where the fuck I just was.

1:35:58

I'm gonna have a burger.

1:36:00

I'm gonna have a fucking bud tall

1:36:02

with this burger. I do I go off

1:36:05

the rails. It's the worst. So

1:36:07

this time, I'm gonna try and I'm

1:36:09

gonna try to see this one

1:36:11

through, which is why I'm saying this out

1:36:13

loud. So because I figure you

1:36:15

guys will be checking in a month or so to see

1:36:17

how I'm doing and give me shit if I don't

1:36:19

or heckle me on the road. And

1:36:22

if faddy freckles whatever the hell you're gonna

1:36:24

say. So anyways, just getting back to this guy.

1:36:27

Anyways, I still need to lose another twenty

1:36:29

pounds or so. But I'm less worried

1:36:32

about that than I am with gaining it all

1:36:34

back. This is where I need some

1:36:36

more help from old freckles there. You know

1:36:38

what? I think I just brought it up here. I was hoping you

1:36:40

could give me some fat shaming on the podcast

1:36:43

that I could use for inspiration if

1:36:45

I start to game some of the weight back.

1:36:47

Basically, if you could just give me some

1:36:50

version of self talk in the mirror

1:36:52

when you start to gain weight, that would

1:36:54

be amazing. As

1:36:57

always, go fuck yourself. Hey, this is what

1:36:59

you do. Like, you know how much

1:37:01

work it took you? You know what I would

1:37:03

do? I would write down I

1:37:06

would write down the amount of months.

1:37:09

I would write the amount of days, the amount of

1:37:11

hours. And

1:37:14

write down to the minutes that

1:37:16

you had to work to get down and then just

1:37:18

write Just something to motivate

1:37:20

yourself. You

1:37:23

know? Are you gonna give it are you gonna give it all

1:37:25

back? You stupid cunt? You

1:37:29

know, don't give it back. Don't.

1:37:32

And, you know, what happens, you're gonna

1:37:34

put that on your wall around your bathroom

1:37:36

mirror. And this is what's gonna happen. Alright?

1:37:39

That's gonna motivate you for about

1:37:41

six days And

1:37:44

then what's gonna happen is it's just be it's gonna

1:37:46

be a part of you brushing your teeth, and

1:37:48

it's not gonna hold the same meeting. So

1:37:51

what you have to do is you have to constantly

1:37:53

be updating that. Alright?

1:37:56

And you basically you gotta get yourself

1:37:58

into the fucking mindset. Like

1:38:01

you're not you're not giving it

1:38:03

back. Alright? So this is

1:38:05

what I would do. Okay?

1:38:08

There's gonna be holidays. There's gonna be birthdays.

1:38:10

There's gonna be, you know, the night out or whatever.

1:38:13

Okay? But this what you gotta

1:38:15

do. I if I would

1:38:17

weigh myself every morning. So

1:38:21

you don't you don't fucking not weigh yourself.

1:38:25

You know, for months on end because that's all

1:38:27

of a sudden how you get forty pounds forty

1:38:29

pounds behind the fucking eight ball. Right?

1:38:32

You weigh yourself every day. And

1:38:35

if you went out and you know you ate bad or whatever,

1:38:37

you decided to treat yourself. Alright. You're gonna be a

1:38:39

couple pounds over. Okay? Then you

1:38:42

gotta discipline. Like, I gotta get back down

1:38:44

to where the fuck I was. And then

1:38:46

you have to have a number that

1:38:48

is it's just unacceptable. Like, with me,

1:38:50

it's a buck eighty, unacceptable. When I

1:38:53

see that eight, it's fucking over.

1:38:55

I don't give a shit if it's Thanksgiving tomorrow.

1:38:57

Oh, who's gonna do them? Fucking eaten Thanksgiving. But

1:38:59

like it's it's done. What

1:39:03

did you say your weight was here? You

1:39:06

were three seven. So now you're down to two nineteen.

1:39:10

Alright? So

1:39:12

I would just say when

1:39:14

that second number is three, that's it.

1:39:17

That's it. Shut it down. Shut

1:39:19

it down. And I'm telling you give yourself that

1:39:21

small of a fucking window you got that

1:39:23

small of a fucking journey back. And

1:39:26

what happens is, well, as, you know, I I

1:39:28

have friends who have weight issues. What happens

1:39:30

is is when they start

1:39:32

putting it back on that self

1:39:34

loading, I fucking hate myself. I fucking

1:39:36

hate myself. And they, you know, they just

1:39:40

haven't learned that skill yet

1:39:43

to just fucking grab that demon by

1:39:45

the throat and fucking choke slam it

1:39:47

and just just turn it back around

1:39:50

before you go a hundred miles in the

1:39:52

wrong direction. And now you gotta

1:39:54

go hundred back. That's a two hundred mile trip.

1:39:56

You can get ten miles down the fucking road, turn

1:39:58

it right back to twenty miles, no big deal.

1:40:01

Alright? So you

1:40:03

just really have to be like, listen. Like,

1:40:06

for me to sit there and act like I'm gonna be two nineteen

1:40:08

for the rest of my fucking life and never go

1:40:10

up a little bit or maybe go down little bit.

1:40:13

Is fucking nuts. If

1:40:17

we need to act like I'm never gonna fucking have a piece

1:40:19

of pie or, you know, some comfort food,

1:40:22

is is ridiculous, but you just have to have,

1:40:24

like, those be special things

1:40:26

that you do and you

1:40:28

have to learn how to live at that weight. And

1:40:31

I would actually now that you're done at two nineteen,

1:40:35

whatever you did, I would also be always

1:40:37

looking for some new way to work out.

1:40:40

You know, a fucking box in gym,

1:40:42

a hike, bike riding, swimming,

1:40:44

anything you can do because the same way that

1:40:47

note on your on your fucking bathroom

1:40:49

era just becomes party a day and

1:40:52

you you you you

1:40:54

just get bored. If

1:40:57

you get bored with your workout, that gets dangerous

1:41:00

because, you know, you know, you know, you never get bored

1:41:02

eating. You just there's always, you know,

1:41:05

you know, it's funny. You always go, oh, Jesus. What

1:41:07

what kind of touchy rolls it is? Let me try these.

1:41:09

You always deal with that. You gotta do the same thing with,

1:41:11

like, your fucking workouts there. I'm done fucking

1:41:14

preaching. Alright? Podcasts get

1:41:16

ridiculously low. So that that actually

1:41:18

what you just did is is inspire me

1:41:20

to go to the fucking gym tomorrow, man. Good for

1:41:22

you, dude. That's what That's an I've

1:41:24

never had to try to lose weight for

1:41:28

over a year. That's

1:41:30

unbelievable. So dude, you work

1:41:32

that fucking hard man, you can't do that. You can't

1:41:34

give that back. You just can't. You

1:41:36

can't. And you have to keep reminding

1:41:39

yourself in a new

1:41:40

way. Alright? Make

1:41:42

yourself proud, don't fuck yourself over.

1:41:45

Alright, sleazy douche.

1:41:48

Hi, Bill. This guy is from Scott Leonard,

1:41:50

he's a fucking pirate. Long

1:41:52

time listener, love your

1:41:54

shit, saw you both times and Sydney, please

1:41:56

help. Alright? Maybe he's a Scott from

1:41:58

Sydney. I don't

1:41:59

know. Maybe

1:42:01

he's like Bond Scott. Right? Fuck.

1:42:05

Alright. There's this fucking

1:42:08

cut. He grew up with my

1:42:10

girlfriend. This is what I love Australia.

1:42:13

What a way to start a fucking thing? There's

1:42:16

this fucking cut. He grew

1:42:18

up with my girlfriend as the

1:42:20

lovable, sleazy guy that everyone

1:42:22

tolerates. I gotta hate that dude.

1:42:25

That's just that's just insert

1:42:28

that's just so and so. That's how it

1:42:30

is, they say. So

1:42:32

recently, He

1:42:34

commented on a photo of my girlfriend

1:42:36

leaning forward and unintentionally showing

1:42:39

some cleavage on Facebook and

1:42:41

I can't stop thinking about wanting to

1:42:43

slap him. All he

1:42:45

wrote was

1:42:47

Jesus. But what kind does Coxucker

1:42:50

think it's okay to comment on someone's

1:42:52

ladies in a someone

1:42:55

else's lady in a public form? Any

1:42:57

idea on how I can satisfy my desire

1:43:00

to write this situation without making

1:43:02

it too uncomfortable for my girl? Thanks

1:43:05

and go fuck yourself. Alright.

1:43:09

Well, first things first. I

1:43:11

think your assessment of this person, everybody

1:43:13

knows this person. Secondly,

1:43:15

I don't know how you know how your girlfriend accidentally

1:43:18

leans forward and unintentionally shows

1:43:21

too much cleavage. This wasn't a video somebody

1:43:23

else took that was shot live. This

1:43:25

is a photo. I'm guessing she

1:43:27

uploaded

1:43:28

it, so she was alright with it.

1:43:32

How do you accidentally oops. Is that

1:43:34

my ball bag? Alright.

1:43:37

Now I have to upload

1:43:38

it. You know what I

1:43:39

mean? I

1:43:43

don't understand why why this

1:43:45

person is in

1:43:48

her life.

1:43:50

Or in anybody's life. There's

1:43:52

a bunch different ways you can go with this. You can

1:43:54

go I

1:43:58

don't know. What do you do? I mean, IIII

1:44:01

want you to say something to the guy, but I I don't

1:44:04

think it's gonna work though. I

1:44:06

mean, if this is a movie, you walk up and you slap

1:44:08

them in the face. Right?

1:44:11

And then your your girlfriend appreciates you

1:44:13

and then reciprocates physically.

1:44:15

But

1:44:16

we know that's not how the world works. Don't we?

1:44:19

So And

1:44:21

we also know you can't you can't blame your girlfriend.

1:44:26

So what do you

1:44:27

do? Jesus, Christ, this is a fucking quagmire.

1:44:30

I

1:44:31

thought this was gonna be easy. This is goddamn

1:44:33

quick in here. So recently he commented in

1:44:35

the photo. You

1:44:39

know, he's a fucking jerk off. Why waste

1:44:41

you fucking time. This is what you do. You know what?

1:44:44

This is what you do. You just put that in the old

1:44:46

memory bank. Right? And

1:44:48

next time you're out there playing Aussie rule

1:44:50

footballs and he he's on the other fucking

1:44:52

team. Right? And I say footballs, Aussie

1:44:55

rule Aussie rules. Right? Maybe

1:44:57

I was that was actually that was a freudian slip

1:45:00

above fucking kicking the right in the balls. You

1:45:02

take them out. That's what you do. Well, you

1:45:04

just wait. You get pick your fucking. This

1:45:06

might be one of those one where you lay back.

1:45:10

Right? You pick your fucking spot.

1:45:13

And, you know, when the

1:45:15

time is fucking right, you make your point.

1:45:18

You look them right in the eye and you give you fucking,

1:45:20

you make your point. Who knows?

1:45:22

If he pushes you, you get to slap on me. You don't

1:45:24

look like an asshole. Right?

1:45:26

Was that alright? No.

1:45:28

No. No. Some reason that guy really fucking annoyed

1:45:30

me. I might have given you bad advice because I kinda

1:45:32

got a let me emotions get the best of