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0:16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd.

0:18

It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday

0:20

Monday morning podcast And I'm just

0:22

checking in on you who? I

0:26

am in New York City. Bop up up hanging

0:31

out an extra day after the 10th annual

0:33

Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. It

0:35

was a smashing success.

0:38

I'm

0:41

hanging out for an extra day because I'm gonna go

0:43

see Yousef Dave's at

0:47

the Blue Note tonight. I've never

0:49

seen a show there. This guy's an incredible drummer

0:51

and he's always playing with amazing musicians.

0:54

And I was like, you know what?

0:56

I'm always fucking leaving or I'm always

0:59

getting there a day later, I'm gonna stay an extra

1:01

day, fuck it. I've been home three months

1:03

with the family. Dad can spend one more

1:05

day out on the road to go see this

1:07

amazing drummer and then I'll be home

1:10

for most of April, which will be cool.

1:12

So I'm very excited to

1:16

be going over there. I got my old man

1:18

earplugs, probably gonna

1:20

swing by the cellar and do a spot.

1:23

I dropped by the stand in New York

1:25

Comedy Club the other night,

1:27

sort of been staying downtown

1:29

here. So I've been doing that. I visited some friends,

1:34

didn't quite stick with my, well,

1:36

I didn't stick with my first 10 days of

1:38

the month.

1:40

I had a,

1:44

I had coffee yesterday and today. I mean, what the

1:46

fuck, I'm in New York. What am I not gonna do that? And

1:49

then I smoked

1:51

a cigar on two different

1:54

occasions with a friend of mine.

1:56

I owe the till two days,

1:59

so now I have to go. until

2:00

April 12th. It's just how it

2:02

works, whatever. It'll still be the same amount of days. But

2:04

anyway, just

2:07

had an amazing time being out here

2:11

and fucking

2:14

psyched, I did my laundry. There's nothing better than

2:16

after you bet you're on the road for like a week, get

2:19

all that fucking dirty laundry and

2:21

underwear and socks and shit. I fucking hate stuffing

2:24

it back in the bag. So I

2:27

just went to a laundromat and did it. Fucking

2:30

old school style. Because

2:34

I waited till the last day and you can't do wash and fold

2:37

on the same day. I think you can, I'm not sure.

2:40

I just wasn't sure, so I said, fuck it. I just went and did

2:42

it. And knocked that

2:44

out so I have all,

2:46

everything's clean going back into the bag.

2:48

I got this show to see. And

2:51

then last night was

2:54

just incredible.

2:55

I wanna thank everybody at the stand

2:57

as always for the incredible after party. But

3:02

see if I can remember the whole freaking night.

3:05

The

3:08

lineup was, let's see, Sypha

3:11

started out DJing, Rich Voss

3:13

of course, Shane

3:16

Gillis opened, fucking smashed,

3:20

Eleanor, Kerrigan

3:22

went next, she fucking killed it. I'm

3:27

gonna fuck this up, my old man brain. Then

3:29

it was Mo Amark

3:32

went up, he destroyed, that's three. Then

3:35

I wanna say Keith Robinson, Jim

3:39

Norton, and

3:42

then David

3:45

Tell dropped in, in, Andrew

3:47

Dice Clay dropped in, then

3:51

Ricky Velez went on after that. If

3:54

you can believe that, fucking destroyed.

3:58

And then John St. Stewart

4:00

dropped by. He

4:03

fucking destroyed and then I

4:05

went up. I think that that was the night and everybody

4:09

in their own way, in their own style killed.

4:12

Oh, Sifah went up too. Sifah did five minutes.

4:15

Oh, it's fucking hilarious. So

4:18

I'm sitting there going like, wait, Sifah's

4:20

DJing, how the fuck is

4:22

he going to in-voss

4:25

intros him? So Sifre's

4:27

playing music for him to walk on and

4:30

Rich is supposed to go back to his turntables

4:32

and shut it off. And all I'm thinking

4:35

is, as I'm watching it, I'm like,

4:37

there's no way Rich isn't going to fuck this up.

4:41

So he's playing some sort of H

4:45

to the Izzo or ba-ba-ba-ba-ba,

4:47

that there's some Jay-Z shit. So

4:50

Sifu walks up to the mic, fucking

4:52

dumbass Rich Voss walks back to the

4:54

fucking turntables.

4:57

And of course, Rich

4:59

is pushing buttons and the fucking music

5:01

is still going. And Sifu's

5:03

just looking back like, what the fuck?

5:06

And he keeps pushing the buttons and the music

5:08

keeps playing. And then Sifu's finally like, it's

5:10

the big silver button. You

5:12

know, Voss is like almost fucking 90.

5:15

He can't see it. And

5:17

Seifer just starts shitting on

5:19

him. And he crowds laugh, and he finally

5:21

gets the fucking music off.

5:23

When

5:25

they brought Keith Robinson out, Keith

5:30

has had two strokes, and he has the cane, and it

5:32

takes him a second to get there. So Seifer

5:34

was playing Walk This Way by Aerosmith.

5:37

And when that ended,

5:39

on my suggestion, He then played

5:41

the Jeopardy, bah, bah, bah,

5:43

bah. And

5:46

the crowd is looking like, what the fuck

5:49

are they doing? And we were just all laughing. I

5:51

told them to play them off to the

5:53

fucking Hulk music. You know, the

5:55

end, if you're old,

5:57

you know, when David Banner would have to leave another

5:59

Good. because he got angry and green and beat

6:01

the fuck out of everybody and he'd have to go hitchhike

6:04

away. And they used to play this sad fucking

6:07

piano music. Doo, doo, doo,

6:09

doo. But

6:12

I don't know, Rich was talking so he didn't get a chance to

6:14

do that.

6:15

So Norton went up and

6:18

did like fucking eight minutes on the Queen

6:20

Diane that had me fucking rolling.

6:24

And then, uh, then

6:26

Dice went out. That's right. That's right, DICE went out before

6:28

it, tell DICE goes out and it's like, this is

6:30

the legend, this is the fucking king. Crowd

6:33

fucking loses it. He

6:35

fucking goes out there, the leather vest

6:38

on, the Brooklyn fucking tank

6:41

top, it's fucking DICE. And

6:43

he goes out there,

6:44

does not hold back. Just

6:47

fucking is full on fucking

6:51

DICE. And all I'm thinking is, I fucking

6:53

saw this guy. I

6:56

saw him in 89 at the Worcester

6:58

Centrum, and I'm now sharing a stage

7:01

with this fucking legend. And

7:03

just, it was amazing. He had this brilliant

7:05

bit. I can't say

7:07

what it was about, because it gives away the bit. It was absolutely

7:10

fucking brilliant. It's leading you all the way to

7:12

the left, and you think it's this way, and then bam,

7:14

he comes back to the right, to

7:16

a big fucking laugh. He was amazing, amazing.

7:20

And then Dave Attell goes out, and it just

7:22

is fucking Dave Attell. Another

7:24

king, you know? He goes out, he fucking kills.

7:27

And, wait,

7:31

Moe went on. When the fuck did

7:33

he go on? He went on, no, Moe went on before

7:36

Keith, that's right. He

7:38

came straight from a writer's room. This

7:40

is how much people love Patrice. He came straight from a

7:42

writer's room. You know, David

7:46

Tell and Dice just dropped in. And

7:52

then Ricky, the Les had to follow

7:54

them. He walked out there like it was nothing, absolutely

7:57

killed. I already respected him. I

7:59

want you to. I

8:00

met him on King of Staten Island and we

8:02

did a stand-up show

8:03

for Pete Davidson, Firefighter

8:06

Thing in Staten Island. And I remember seeing

8:08

that light, I was like, man, he's fucking good. And

8:10

he's gone to a whole other level. And

8:15

then what happened? And then John Stewart, who

8:18

I knew was coming down, he showed up and he went out

8:20

there just fucking,

8:23

you know, he went out there spitting flames, like

8:25

the passion of like a fucking 23-year-old

8:28

comedian. It was funny,

8:30

he was the only guy who got heckled. He pissed off

8:32

some woman and the crowd was fucking hilarious. She

8:35

got upset about something. The second

8:38

she yelled out the whole crowd just went, ah.

8:43

I was like, it was such a good night.

8:45

Now what the fuck, right?

8:47

So, and

8:50

then I had to go out in the end. I swear to God, I think

8:52

I wore out my fucking shoes pacing

8:55

back and forth trying to wonder, wondering how

8:57

I was gonna follow all of these people. So fortunately,

9:01

for whatever reason, Cypher brought me out to this

9:03

fucking, that stupid Irish music.

9:05

Like I was a fucking leprechaun. So

9:09

I started trashing him. I thought he was Latino.

9:11

Evidently he's Filipino. So it didn't even make

9:14

sense what I was saying to him. But

9:17

nobody knew, you know, because most of the crowd was white

9:19

and they're like me and they're looking at me. He's kind of tan. I

9:21

give up, he must be Latino.

9:27

So anyway, and all

9:31

we did was just fucking break each other's balls.

9:34

Like, Rich Foss brought up Keith Robinson

9:36

by saying, this next guy coming to the

9:38

stage is probably going to be our next

9:40

benefit.

9:41

And

9:45

then, you know, Jim and Rich, like, give

9:48

each other a dirty look. They refused to

9:50

shake hands. It was fucking great. It was just a

9:52

perfect mix

9:54

of Patrice's friends, comics

9:56

that Patrice was looking up to

9:59

when he started. and young

10:01

comics that loved Patrice and were influenced

10:03

by him. So just when the night couldn't

10:05

get any better, we end

10:07

the show, do the curtain call, everybody comes

10:10

walking out, and dumbass

10:12

Rich Voss, you can just fucking count

10:14

on him to do something stupid, comes

10:17

through in the clutch where he has Maureen

10:20

Taron, who puts the whole thing together, by the way,

10:23

has her phone, and

10:25

he says to the crowd, And

10:27

he goes, because Patrice's

10:30

mom couldn't make it because her arthritis was acting

10:32

up on her knees, so she couldn't make it this year. So

10:34

he goes, hey, he goes, we're all

10:36

gonna say hello to Patrice's mom.

10:40

He goes, on the count of three. He

10:43

goes, everybody say, hi,

10:45

Georgine. I'm

10:48

thinking, Georgine, like

10:51

her name is Georgia. And like for

10:53

half a, as I'm doing the math,

10:55

I'm thinking, wait a second, is Georgine

10:58

the real name? Like, you know, Bill and William? And

11:01

as I'm thinking that the crowd goes, hi Georgine,

11:03

and then I just take the mic, I'm like, dude, her name

11:06

is Georgia, you fucking idiot. And the whole crowd

11:09

loses it. And I just start trashing Voss

11:11

for being stupid. We got a video

11:13

with a whole thing. I think

11:15

I'm gonna post it. If

11:17

I can figure out how to do it. I'll

11:19

have Andrew do it. And the

11:22

crowd died laughing. And

11:24

here's the greatest thing. We sent

11:26

Georgia that video of

11:29

him saying her name wrong. And

11:32

she died laughing. She thought it was the funniest

11:34

thing ever, which of course is

11:37

like, you know, such like a Patrice

11:39

thing or whatever. And I love talking to her. And

11:42

when I do talk to her, I always, because,

11:45

you know, we all love her, but it's also, you

11:47

know, most of us know her name. But

11:51

like when I talk to her, I

11:54

hear like Patrice's

11:56

cadence and I hear, you

11:58

know, elements of him in

12:00

her of course because it's his mom so

12:03

she was definitely missed that she couldn't be there but

12:06

the night was amazing then afterwards the

12:09

stand as always comes through their

12:12

own pocket they feed everybody give

12:14

people drinks and all of that type of stuff

12:16

and I got

12:18

to hang out with everybody was hanging out

12:21

you know talking

12:23

to dice and he was telling me all of these fucking amazing

12:25

stories about, you

12:27

know, throughout his career and all that type

12:30

of stuff. And you

12:32

know what's funny is

12:35

Eleanor, you know, came from a big

12:37

Philly family and she told me a long

12:39

time ago that she used to have to finish one of her

12:42

little brother's fights.

12:44

And she

12:46

had one of her brothers there and she kept calling him my stupid

12:49

brother the whole night, just calling.

12:51

She said, hey, can you take a picture

12:53

with my stupid like she couldn't say brother,

12:55

she always said stupid and

12:57

I'm dying laughing.

12:59

And I say to him, I go, are you

13:02

the one she had to finish the

13:04

fights for? And they both in

13:07

unison at the same time said, no, that was Billy.

13:12

And I was like, oh my God, it's fucking

13:14

true.

13:17

So anyway, it

13:19

was a great night. It was a great night, we all

13:21

fucking hung out. And I

13:24

left at the perfect time because I had to do Jim

13:26

and Sam this morning. I was so

13:29

great to hang out with those guys. I

13:31

had a really good time. As you can tell, I'm

13:33

also tired because I'm fucking old.

13:38

And with that,

13:41

another year goes by. I've

13:45

been walking around New York trying to get exercise

13:47

that way. I

13:52

brought these stupid ass fucking boots with

13:54

me because the stupid club soda Kenny told me

13:56

it was, he scared the shit out of me. You

13:59

send me this text.

14:00

before I went to Ottawa and he

14:02

told me like it was like fucking, you know, I

14:05

don't know, I'm an idiot. I read it like it

14:07

was freezing out and it was going to be snowing

14:09

out. So I got these giant stupid boots

14:12

that I bought

14:13

when I did a gig in Iceland and they're fucking

14:16

amazing boots when it's freezing

14:18

cold out and it's wet out because

14:20

they keep your feet dry. But

14:23

it's been like balmy this

14:25

entire trip. I mean, it snowed a couple of times

14:27

up in Canada, but it was really close

14:30

to almost being rain. And I've just been

14:32

walking around with those dumb shoes for the last

14:34

three fucking days in New York. Like

14:37

they're good shoes if you're walking up a mountain, not

14:39

walking along fucking asphalt, and

14:41

they make your feet hot as fuck,

14:44

unless it's like, you know, 20 degrees or

14:46

lower evidently. So

14:50

aside from seeing my lovely wife and kids,

14:52

I'm really looking forward to getting home so

14:54

I can take these goddamn boots off because

14:56

I can't fit them in my fucking

14:59

carry-on.

15:01

Oh, and they got this stupid metal things around

15:03

the laces so they always set off the alarm

15:06

at the

15:08

fucking airport so I gotta take them outside,

15:10

it's a whole scene. And then also, when you

15:12

fucking tie them up, the top three

15:17

lace things don't have a hole, they just have

15:19

like a hook, and

15:21

just inevitably it comes undone like a bow

15:23

tie.

15:24

And just all you're doing is just the whole, it's good

15:26

for your hammies. Every day, all you're doing is bending

15:28

over and retieing your fucking shoes.

15:32

Maybe that's how all those fucking

15:34

people die on Mount Everest,

15:36

you know? They go up with those boots, you

15:39

know? They keep coming undone. They gotta have a

15:41

better system than that. Fucking

15:47

nuts is it that people still do that. Climb

15:51

out, like how boring a person are you that

15:53

you have to do that so you have a fucking story.

15:57

You know what I mean? It's like those idiots that like

15:59

film. They climb up like a cell phone

16:01

tower and they're hanging off of it.

16:06

It's like, or you could learn how to tell a

16:08

story. You could learn how to

16:10

approach a woman and say hello. Like, why

16:13

do you have to like risk your fucking life? I

16:16

do find it amazing Mount Everest that they just like, yeah,

16:18

we're not getting those bodies. You

16:21

know, I sometimes feel like that

16:23

with like, like

16:26

the Coast Guard. guard when

16:29

there's like some crazy storm coming and

16:31

they warn every fucking jerk

16:33

off with the boat. This is a big

16:35

one. We're telling you, don't

16:37

fucking go out there. And there's always some

16:40

fucking asshole, weekend warrior,

16:42

dumb motherfucker. He's got to take his stupid

16:44

ass fucking 20 footer out there with

16:47

a couple of dumb broads, whatever the fuck he's

16:49

doing, you know? Try to get his kilo

16:51

of cocaine from fucking San

16:53

Diego up to fucking San

16:55

Francisco, whatever I always feel like there's just

16:58

a bunch of illegal activity going on out

17:00

at sea.

17:02

You know? And

17:04

what do they do? They go out there and they get themselves

17:06

in trouble. And then these poor bastards,

17:08

the men and women of the fucking Coast Guard,

17:10

got to go out there.

17:11

You ever see that shit when these idiots get fucking

17:14

washed overboard? You

17:16

know? And then they fucking,

17:19

like

17:21

these guys fly out in helicopters

17:23

in that fucking weather with the goddamn wipers

17:26

on, like that helps, right? Going

17:28

out there and somebody will literally jump

17:31

out of the helicopter into the fucking

17:34

water.

17:35

Look, they're not all fucking idiots. Some of them just get

17:37

caught in shit. But I'm just saying, like, I

17:41

just feel like, you

17:45

know, if I was in the Coast Guard, I

17:48

think the number one thing that I would be suggesting

17:50

in meetings, it's like, hey, you ever see those

17:52

bodies that they just sort of leave up

17:54

on Mount Everest, you know,

17:57

I think every Every once in a while, maybe we should do that.

18:00

Like,

18:03

you know, we fucking, look, I get

18:05

it if some shit happens, unexpected

18:08

shit, but when they tell you not to fucking go out

18:10

there and you go out there anyway,

18:13

you know, you

18:15

still gotta go get them. I mean,

18:17

I, to this fucking day, what

18:20

would you rather do? I mean, personally,

18:23

I mean, I 100% will choose a land death over

18:27

and out at sea death

18:30

any fucking day of the year. I

18:33

mean, the fucking emptiness

18:36

and the loneliness of

18:38

just being out there floating by

18:40

yourself, you might as well be on another

18:42

planet. It's just like,

18:45

and then just sitting there hoping that hypothermia

18:47

is gonna take you Because

18:51

your only other two options are drowning

18:53

or getting fucking eaten by a goddamn

18:55

shark. By the way, why don't killer

18:58

whales

18:59

kill people? You

19:03

know what I mean? You

19:05

know what's fucked up? Maybe if they went around and

19:07

they killed more people, they wouldn't stop getting

19:09

hired at fucking SeaWorld. Do you ever think of that?

19:13

No one ever tries to fucking water-ski

19:16

behind a shark

19:17

or try to make a great white shark

19:19

do those dolphin tricks.

19:21

Why?

19:27

That's a really weird thing. Are sharks just...

19:29

they don't have as big a brain? It's funny, they're not

19:31

as smart, but they're smart enough not to

19:33

have to do tricks at SeaWorld.

19:36

It's kind of like the difference between men and women.

19:38

Oh my God, am I doing fucking 80s stand-up right now?

19:40

I think I am. You

19:42

know, like sharks are just

19:45

dumb enough to not

19:47

be smart enough to have to do tricks at SeaWorld.

19:50

That's kind of like a guy. You

19:52

know, we're just dumb enough to be able to sit there

19:54

with a fucking sandwich and a game on and

19:57

understand. that

20:00

like, this is fucking

20:02

great, right? Where a woman is more complex,

20:05

evidently has a bigger brain, like a dolphin

20:09

or a fucking killer whale. And then how

20:12

do you equate them? They don't jump through

20:14

hoops. What's the difference

20:16

between that is the land

20:19

women make the guy jump through the hoop. So

20:21

I guess we're dumber than sharks. I'm

20:23

really in like over my head on this one. I don't even

20:25

know where the fuck I'm going with this, This is kind of funny, huh?

20:31

Like, if a killer whale comes up, people

20:35

don't get scared and they don't eat us. Where

20:41

a shark comes up, you know, fucking dumb

20:43

ass shark is like, what is

20:45

that?

20:46

That's sort of weird looking scales, you know, as you're

20:48

sitting there in your fucking pants, because

20:51

you got washed overboard off of some fucking

20:53

pontoon boat After the Coast Guard told

20:56

you not to fucking go out there, you jerk off.

20:58

And they got to come up and they got to take a bite

21:01

out of you

21:02

to see what you are, to be like, oh,

21:04

all right. I don't want

21:06

to fuck with that, right? What,

21:11

can killer whales just know you're wearing

21:13

pants and it's going to get stuck in

21:15

their teeth so they're like, I'm not fucking dealing with, I don't know.

21:18

There's a lot of things I don't know people and I think I just talked

21:21

about them for a good 21 minutes. What do you think about that?

21:24

I'd say there's some advertising, but I haven't gotten

21:27

the email yet, because

21:29

I'm trying to knock this fucking thing out.

21:33

I did a good job this trip

21:35

as far as not getting other stuff, like

21:38

extra shit.

21:40

A buddy of mine turned 50, one of

21:43

the guys I was smoking a cigar with, and

21:45

he gave me a stack, one, two, three,

21:47

four, five

21:49

of it. Are they called koozies? you know those things you put around

21:52

a drink? I always thought

21:54

koozies were fucking pussies. It

21:57

keeps the drink warm so it doesn't...

22:00

I mean, cold, so it doesn't warm up in your hand. It's like,

22:02

yeah, well, you could fucking drink faster. I

22:06

just feel like these are like

22:08

training wheels. Maybe

22:10

it's for people that actually know how to drink. Anyway,

22:15

so I got five of these. They're

22:17

light, they're small, they're compact. It's almost like

22:19

the size of two wallets. So

22:21

that's not a bad thing

22:23

to bring back. You

22:26

know, people always like,

22:29

that's sort of something people never think of, like when they

22:31

want to give you something,

22:33

right? And

22:35

you travel to see them.

22:38

Like just remember that they have to try to get

22:40

this in their luggage.

22:42

Like you don't want to give them a job.

22:44

Like oh my God, Jesus Christ,

22:47

a painting, thank you. I

22:49

know exactly where I'm gonna put this in my house.

22:56

I mean, listen,

22:59

I think if somebody gives you something that's just

23:01

too big to fit in your luggage or get on

23:04

the plane, that's when you just

23:06

stick it under the bed at the hotel. You

23:09

just leave it there. It's

23:12

for whoever finds it. You

23:14

know what I mean? You just call them, you

23:17

know, the cleaning lady gets it and she can fucking

23:19

flip it on eBay or maybe, you know, re-gift

23:22

it to somebody. Oh

23:25

no, you shouldn't have. I mean, seriously,

23:27

you should not have. How the

23:29

fuck am I gonna get this in the overhead compartment? But

23:32

you can't say that, because then you're an asshole because somebody

23:34

gave you something. It's also a great

23:36

way to fucking

23:38

sort of prank somebody. You

23:41

know, just give them some ridiculous gift that they can't

23:43

get on the fucking plane. You

23:46

just sort of film that like fucking look

23:49

on their face as they're smiling because they know they're supposed

23:52

to say thank you as they're doing the math on their head. Like

23:54

how the fuck am I going to get this home? Oh,

23:56

Bill, shut up.

24:00

All right, well, I imagine if

24:02

we have some advertising, I'll

24:04

record it later and we will insert

24:07

it here. So I'm just gonna announce it like it's happening.

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Ugh, there's an aperitif. April

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27:01

there we go. That was the advertising. If

27:05

there was some, if there wasn't, there was like a fucking three-second,

27:07

four-second pause in this thing. With

27:10

that, let's talk a little bit of baseball here.

27:13

Tampa Bay, Devil Rays.

27:15

Sorry, don't say... Tampa

27:17

Bay, don't say Devil Rays.

27:20

are off to a great start. Your

27:22

New York Yankees are off to a great

27:24

start. My Boston Red Sox with two and two. The

27:28

last I checked.

27:30

We are sort of picking

27:32

up where we left off last year where

27:34

we're scoring a lot of runs while

27:37

letting up a lot of runs. So, oh

27:40

fuck, I got the hiccups. I'm

27:44

hoping that our pitching

27:46

will come around this year. I

27:50

think we're back on the Chris Sale watch. I

27:53

have no idea.

27:54

I haven't been able to watch a game

27:56

yet. Oh, you know what these

27:58

hiccups are? These are a,

28:02

I wolf down two slices

28:04

of pizza

28:06

before I did a podcast. You

28:08

can't do that. And then you sit down, something

28:10

about that. You're kind of folding your body.

28:15

Oh, I didn't even talk about Donald Trump. I was

28:17

in here when they, they,

28:19

they arraigned the guy, whatever

28:21

the fuck they did with him.

28:25

All right, you guys know I'm not a big politics guy, but

28:27

I am a fucking sports

28:30

guy. And I gotta tell you, I

28:32

think that was the dumbest fucking move. You

28:35

know, I just thought it was just stupid. Why would they do

28:37

that? Like this guy was like

28:40

dead in the fucking water. Nobody

28:42

was talking about him. And they just put him

28:44

on the front page of every newspaper. He

28:47

has the money to beat this.

28:49

And then when he beats it, I'm calling it right

28:51

now, the New York Post is gonna have the

28:53

cover of their paper. it's gonna say

28:55

the new Teflon Don. Because

28:58

remember they had John Gotti?

29:00

I think there's a really bad

29:03

fuck. I haven't been paying attention, but like you

29:05

shouldn't. This is just gonna

29:07

cause, well, they've already been doing

29:09

it. Every president has been

29:11

getting attacked since fucking Bill Clinton lied about

29:14

a blowjob under oath. You

29:16

know, and the Republicans went after him,

29:18

you know? Not because they gave a fuck

29:21

that he fucking lied under oath about a fucking

29:23

blowjob. because he was a Democrat

29:25

douche to them, right? So then what do

29:27

they do? Then they go after fucking George

29:30

W.

29:30

Well, he didn't really win the election. And

29:32

then George W. has got to fucking deal with that bullshit

29:35

while he's trying to run the country. And then

29:37

because the Democrats did that, then

29:39

the Republicans like, well, Obama's not really

29:41

from this country. Then Obama has to deal with that.

29:44

And then Trump becomes president and everything he

29:46

fucking did,

29:47

they would jump in all over. I just don't, I don't think,

29:49

and then the, you know, like they're not gonna go after

29:51

Joe Biden,

29:53

all the bullshit that that guy's done.

29:55

Um, yeah,

29:58

they're all filthy. But I

30:00

don't think it helps the country if

30:02

the standing president has to constantly

30:04

fucking be fighting some sort of legal

30:07

battle. I

30:08

don't think that helps anybody out. And

30:12

I think this was a dumb move by

30:14

liberals to go after this guy. I

30:17

was joking on Jim and Sam today. It

30:19

was like he was like a one-hit

30:22

wonder, right? He was there for one

30:24

term. So now he was on like the casino

30:26

circuit

30:28

singing his one hit, right? hit, right? Shoot that poison

30:30

arrow through my heart. Right. And

30:34

then they just they just wrote him a hit song. They

30:36

got him back in the fucking papers. I don't

30:41

I don't like they're doing

30:47

this. Now I

30:49

feel like they're doing this not because they give

30:51

a fuck that he broke any

30:53

law. I just think they're

30:55

doing this because they want him to get convicted is

30:57

something so he can't run for president. This is

30:59

really not a unique thing, but

31:02

don't they understand? What

31:04

do they think conservatives are gonna do? Just sit

31:06

back and let them do this? They're

31:08

not gonna then go do it? They just opened

31:11

a fucking can of worms. This

31:16

is bad for everybody. Everybody's

31:19

gotta fucking settle the fuck

31:22

down. And when you

31:24

lose the White House, Just be like, hey

31:26

man, you win some, you lose some, let's

31:28

try to work with this person.

31:30

As opposed to trying to get everybody fucking

31:33

impeached the entire time. I

31:37

know it was kind of funny, they had like all these

31:39

helicopters flying around and they were all worried

31:42

like something was gonna happen and like nothing

31:45

happened and nobody really

31:47

cared.

31:48

As far as I'm kind of out of the loop,

31:50

but what do you guys think? I think that

31:53

was not a good move. That

31:55

reminds me of like,

31:59

you know.

32:00

When you're in a playoff series

32:03

and you're winning and

32:05

you're going to win a game and right at the end of the game,

32:08

your team does something stupid to rub

32:11

it in the other team's face.

32:13

And they were sitting there, the other team, right before

32:15

you did that, their shoulders were slumped. They

32:20

had kind of given in to the fact that they were going to

32:22

lose the series. And then you

32:24

just do something stupid,

32:26

right? bite somebody's finger like

32:28

that guy in fucking burrows

32:31

on the Vancouver Canucks. Poke

32:33

the bear and the Bruins wake up and then all of

32:35

a sudden we win a game seven and we're hoisting

32:37

the cup instead of them. You

32:40

know the Bruins have done it. I remember we sprayed

32:42

water at PK Subon. That was not

32:45

a good fucking move.

32:48

I feel like that's what the left is doing here.

32:50

I don't

32:54

think that that was a That's a smart move. We

33:00

shall see. This is like wrestling.

33:03

This

33:03

is like wrestling, like he was down for

33:05

the cover. One, two,

33:08

and then all of a sudden he's got the fucking, he

33:10

put his fucking wing tip on the bottom

33:12

rope. Oh

33:15

God,

33:16

here we go again. This should be interesting.

33:19

Anyway, that's my dumb take

33:21

on it. So it's

33:23

still bugging me that guy. You fucking centrist.

33:26

What a fucking moron.

33:31

What does that even mean? You fucking

33:33

asshole who tries to listen to both sides

33:35

before he makes a decision and doesn't

33:38

just make a decision on the color of a tie. You

33:41

fucking jerk off. I mean, I am a jerk

33:43

off. Like

33:44

I'll take stupid all day long. Jesus

33:48

Christ, did you just listen to me talking about fish earlier?

33:51

Um, those weren't dolphins or mammals.

33:55

Hey, I mean, nature's gonna do what, like, nature

33:57

does. You know what's a new What

34:00

kind of graffiti in New York? Self-help

34:02

graffiti. I'm

34:05

walking on the sidewalk and there's like people like writing

34:08

graffiti that's like advice.

34:12

You know, don't lose your soul

34:14

to sell your shingles or something, I can't remember, some

34:16

sort of alliteration. Just like,

34:18

you know, all right. What

34:22

are you doing? Fucking writing all over the sidewalks?

34:27

I've always stayed in my welcome. Okay, this is the podcast.

34:30

God bless all of you. Yet, go

34:33

fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts,

34:35

and I'll talk to you on Monday. Thank

35:38

you. and

36:01

free o

36:05

canna do hey

36:08

what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday

36:10

morning podcast for monday april

36:12

6th, 2014 some

36:17

of you probably wondering hey bill you're a full

36:20

blooded fucking american, right?

36:24

what are you coming in with this week's podcast

36:26

singing the canadian national anthem Anthem. O

36:29

Canada, we say,

36:32

ah, ah,

36:33

for you. You know why? Because my

36:35

stupid fucking recorder, for some reason I

36:37

got to talk for 30 seconds for it to get the proper

36:41

the proper levels.

36:42

So what am I gonna do? Huh? You

36:45

sing a national anthem is what you do. I was

36:48

singing about the walls in my house. Why

36:52

do people put shit

36:55

on the walls. All it

36:57

does is crack the fucking

36:59

plaster there.

37:02

But if you don't have pictures on the wall,

37:04

people think you have bodies

37:07

in the basement.

37:09

Speaking of O Canada, how about those Boston Bruins

37:12

turning it on when they

37:14

needed to turn it on all you fucking

37:16

fans up there in Ottawa skating

37:19

down the river on

37:20

your way to work. What'd you think

37:23

was going to happen? Did you think that

37:25

you You're gonna catch the big bad Bruins. Huh?

37:28

One of the original six? How

37:30

dare you, Ottawa? You

37:32

stand down. You

37:34

stand down and you watch that river

37:36

melt. You watch the water

37:39

run like the tears going down your fucking

37:41

frostbitten cheeks because you ain't making the

37:43

playoffs.

37:45

Playoffs? The fucking playoffs. The

37:47

Bruins are. And I'm calling

37:49

it right now. We're gonna play the Montreal Canadiens

37:52

in the first round. And we're

37:54

game one, we're getting our first win against

37:57

those fucking silly sock.

38:00

French Fox. Oh, French

38:02

people love their silly socks and their little pocket

38:04

squares. Going to the game with their blue

38:06

blazer, thinking that they

38:08

know more than the fucking coach. Those cunts,

38:11

right? We're beating them in game one. That's

38:15

what we're doing. What's gonna happen in game

38:17

two? I don't know, I didn't think that far. But

38:21

if you would like a prediction, I

38:24

just heard the door slam, I think my wife just woke up, she's

38:26

pissed at me already. If you would like

38:28

a prediction, I say that we

38:30

come out there and we win again.

38:33

Yep. Then we go down to Boston,

38:36

right? Oh shit, well fucking take it

38:38

to Nunku. You're just fucking a killer.

38:41

We're gonna sweep him. I'm

38:43

not gonna sweep him. I don't even know if we're gonna fucking get out of the first round.

38:46

But I can tell you right now, if we actually,

38:48

if I'm a fucking, I'll tell

38:50

you right now, if I'm a Montreal Canadian fan, I

38:52

gotta be thinking, if I'm playing the fucking Bruins, if

38:55

we lose, if you guys fucking lose to us,

38:59

After the season we had, after the domination

39:01

that you guys fucking had, you gotta, you can't tell me that's not

39:03

creeping in the back of your little French fucking brain

39:05

there,

39:06

is it? You know? Your little wannabe

39:08

French brain. You're not French. You're Canadian.

39:11

That's right.

39:12

You're part of North America. You're part

39:14

of, you're attached to us.

39:17

This obesity, it goes right up over

39:19

the fucking borders. Right up to

39:21

your Timmy Hoes with you guys sitting there eating

39:23

your fucking donuts. What, do you think you're

39:25

better than us? You got you Canadians you eat your fucking

39:27

donuts with you little pinky sticking out huh

39:30

with your loafers and you know socks You

39:32

little fucking pocket squares, huh? Is

39:35

that what you think I'll tell you right now? The

39:39

playoffs start I'm gonna go total cliche here playoffs

39:41

start it's a whole new season everybody's

39:47

They're right now the brooms there they're playing

39:50

they're playing desperate I'll tell you the desperate

39:52

team was dangerous. Do you guys

39:54

watch any sports this weekend? somebody

39:59

explain to me how Wisconsin beat Kentucky.

40:01

Somebody explained to me how a team

40:03

playing the game of basketball, a team

40:06

that is whiter than my thighs somehow

40:10

beat the Kentucky Wildcats. See that?

40:12

That's why you can never be prejudiced. You can't

40:14

be racist because he's always going to prove you're

40:16

wrong. I don't know shit about hoop. I

40:18

don't know shit about college basketball. I don't

40:20

know shit about a lot of things. And I sat

40:23

down to watch that game and

40:25

I'm looking at that number 44 in Wisconsin,

40:27

I'm like, this guy is a mess. Look at him. He

40:30

looks like he's in a jam band. This guy

40:32

does not look like a basketball player.

40:34

And all of a sudden he's doing all this Kevin McHale

40:36

stretching around. I

40:38

don't know. It was a hell of a game. And

40:41

I actually, I've

40:44

become a Wisconsin fan just because of, I

40:47

told you guys this, a couple of guys developed a show with

40:49

them. I went on tour with Nate Craig, It was a big Wisconsin

40:51

guy and so

40:53

I like those guys so I root for the team, but

40:56

however I'm also a

40:59

big Kentucky fan. So it was this weird thing. I didn't

41:01

know I love John Calipari and Hey

41:05

John, fucking Calipari over

41:07

there Let's

41:09

go to that. Let's go fucking Calipari.

41:11

We'll go fuck. I'm gonna go in here with a little clam

41:13

sauce. Yeah Um, yeah,

41:17

you know, I fucking love Italians and I love

41:19

Italian food. So here's this guy. And then I also like

41:21

how Calipari is a little shady. You know what I mean?

41:23

How did he turn that program around in Memphis?

41:26

Somebody explained to me how I never even knew that Memphis

41:28

even had a school. Forget about a fucking basketball

41:30

team. And next thing you know, he brings them to the final four. Maybe

41:33

he didn't. I don't know. I'm just repeating shit. I heard other people

41:35

say

41:36

I'm just repeating shit. I heard Bobby Knight bitch about,

41:39

huh? That fucking drunk with power

41:41

maniac. Good Lord. You ever see anybody

41:43

needs more of a swift kick in the ass than that guy?

41:46

Jesus Christ, right in his fucking khakis.

41:54

I hope when they burrieth me, they

41:57

burrieth me face down so my

41:59

critics can Kiss

42:00

my ass. Hey

42:02

Bob, whatever you want us to do. That's

42:04

when he fucking went off the rails.

42:06

There were some rails and he went off on people.

42:10

Speaking of going off the rails, I

42:12

would

42:14

like to commend a certain

42:16

channel out

42:18

there right now that is

42:20

not responding to a bunch

42:23

of horseshit that's coming their way. That's the

42:25

exact way you handle this

42:29

new era of offended

42:33

over nothing. This

42:36

guy tweeted something in 1840, I

42:39

don't know about this, you gotta go back six fucking

42:41

years to find something bad that somebody tweeted

42:43

about. Jesus

42:46

fucking Christ. What

42:48

do you break out, an old Borscht Belt

42:50

joke? Welcome to this goddamn fucking

42:52

show! You know what I mean?

42:54

Fucking people. Jesus Christ, and other comedians

42:56

getting involved. What the fuck? What is going on?

42:59

Everybody acting like a bunch of goddamn babies.

43:02

Fucking grow up. There

43:05

you go. Bill Burr speaking out. Vaguely.

43:08

Vaguely at best. Um, so I didn't

43:10

do shit last night. Oh, I know I did last night.

43:12

I got absolutely fucking hammered. Um,

43:16

got hammered. When I get drunk, I

43:18

call the people I love, and I leave long rambling

43:20

messages about how great

43:22

I think they are. But I'm that guy.

43:25

So you get mad at me because I call you at three in the morning,

43:27

then you wake up and you just laugh. That was nice.

43:30

That was nice he was thinking of me.

43:33

I actually, I have one thing in my office

43:36

that is hanging on the wall. And

43:39

it's a calendar, it's a pitbull calendar. I

43:43

don't know why, I forget where I got it. I think,

43:46

isn't it called for the love of pit bulls? Isn't

43:49

that what it's called? I think that's what my calendar is called. It's

43:51

great. You just look at this adorable

43:54

pit bull for a whole month, right? Then all of a sudden

43:56

the month changes like I just changed it this morning

43:59

for month

44:00

March to April and

44:02

I literally turned the thing and I just

44:04

went, oh, look at me. No bold.

44:08

I just laughed at myself. How pathetic I am.

44:11

You know, even my dog right now, my dog's

44:13

laying on the on the floor. It's

44:15

bed. It's got his back to me. It's embarrassed. It's

44:18

embarrassed by its fucking master. Um,

44:21

master fucking man. They give

44:23

me a fucking break. I'm not as things master. It's running

44:25

the goddamn house.

44:27

Um, shits, whatever

44:29

it wants to and then I pick it up on the master?

44:31

I don't think so. Does the master walk around?

44:34

Huh?

44:35

Then again the dog is on a leash.

44:38

I don't know. Sounds

44:40

like a bad 80s stand-up pick. Why

44:43

am I the master? I don't know. I'll fucking

44:45

pick up the shit.

44:47

That's a good fucking character, huh? Filthy Seinfeld.

44:52

Bad impression of Seinfeld while being completely

44:54

filthy. I'll work on that. Why,

44:59

when you put your dick in her eyes, don't you

45:01

always cry? Who

45:04

are these boys? I'm

45:07

sorry. I'll go fuck yourself. You

45:09

fill an hour every week. Anyway,

45:13

so the Bruins are making the playoffs. I

45:15

don't even know if they're in yet. I think they're in. I

45:17

have no idea. We

45:20

got to play the Capitals tonight.

45:22

Nobody gives a shit. So whatever. Wisconsin,

45:27

the fucking whitest team since the Washington

45:29

Generals is playing Duke.

45:33

All right, the Duke, the Duke. I'm

45:36

sorry, they're playing Duke tonight and

45:38

I don't know shit about either team. All

45:41

I know is that Coach K always seems to fucking

45:43

win these games. So what do you think is going to happen, huh?

45:45

Do you think these cheese-eating

45:48

yogurt making, ice cream sandwich

45:50

scarfing down fat fuck of a state

45:53

is gonna go down where

45:56

they playing. They play

45:58

in Lucas oil. annoyed me that

46:01

they sold it out there at Lucas Oilfield.

46:04

And I was thinking about Jim Erce

46:06

making all that fucking money.

46:08

And it's just like, what is he going to do now

46:10

to try to attack the Patriots? Because

46:13

that fucking jackass can't beat us.

46:16

Oh,

46:21

that's cheating. The fucking ball.

46:23

Oh, you fucking cunt. You're such a cunt.

46:26

You know? You stole our offense. And

46:30

then you won a Super Bowl. Isn't that enough for

46:32

you, Jimmy? Jimmy! So

46:36

ridiculous. It's the only owner's name that I know. Him

46:38

and old Bobby Kraft, who

46:41

made all that money with the cheese, didn't he? Which

46:43

brings us back to Wisconsin.

46:45

So anyways, I'm gonna watch

46:48

that game tonight. And

46:51

I think that's it. I think that's all I got. I don't know what

46:53

else I'm gonna do. I'm gonna

46:55

do, I gotta stop drinking, dude. I drank way too much

46:57

this fucking week.

46:58

You know? I have nobody, you

47:00

know what it is? I have nobody to answer to. All

47:04

right? You can sit there and say that, you

47:06

know, you're one of these people, right? Oh, I'm one of

47:08

these people. I just, you know, everything

47:10

in moderation, fuck you. Shut

47:13

your face. All right. You're wearing

47:16

too much makeup, first of all, and

47:18

shut your face. Okay?

47:22

First of all, the reason why you don't drink is because you have a fucking

47:24

boss, which is like having a parent. All

47:26

right, so I don't want to fucking hear it. You have somebody

47:29

to answer to. Anybody

47:31

can be fucking responsible and not

47:33

drink when they have a child, when

47:36

they have a boss, when they have somewhere

47:39

they have to be the next day. All

47:41

right. When you

47:43

really find your willpower

47:46

and what you're made of is when you have none of those

47:48

things, when you have no children, you have no boss,

47:50

you have nobody to answer to. Your

47:51

wife's cool, you

47:53

know, you snore, she just sends you into the guest

47:55

room, right?

47:57

That's when you find whether or not you're an alcoholic

47:59

or not.

48:00

That's when you see

48:02

if you're really gonna pass the fucking test.

48:05

And I'll tell you right now, old freckles, old

48:07

freckles is failing miserably. Oh

48:13

my God,

48:13

I was drinking, his buddy

48:15

of mine was fucking leaving town, so we go

48:17

out and we fucking drink. He's got a buddy

48:20

of his, and at one point the guy comes

48:22

over with like, I don't know what it was, it was some

48:24

sort of fuck, it was like Red Bull with a Jager

48:27

shot in it. And

48:29

I have to commend myself for the, everybody

48:31

fucking drank it but me. I was like, I'm not, I'm drinking scotch

48:33

over here. I'm not fucking drinking that Jesus

48:37

Christ. Fucking mouthwash in a monster

48:39

drink. What the fuck is wrong with you? What

48:41

are you homeless? I

48:45

could literally go out to the dumpster and find

48:47

something better to get drunk off of what the fuck,

48:49

what the for Red Bull and a yay, whatever the fuck

48:51

it was. I

48:53

was

48:53

giving all of them shit. Like why don't you just fucking,

48:56

you know, do a shot of shampoo and some fucking

48:58

licorice? Um, is

49:00

that what you said,

49:00

Bill? You know, I don't really remember. I

49:03

don't really remember. I just remember, uh,

49:07

being smart enough not to drive.

49:10

I don't do Uber though. I'm old school, man. I

49:12

get a taxi, but everybody ca- I'll do it.

49:14

I'll fucking Uber your home. It's

49:17

just weird to me, man. I don't like just getting

49:19

in a stranger's fucking car, you

49:22

know without that fucking partition there some

49:24

sort of writing on the side of the car you know a phone

49:26

number somebody can call when the guy takes out an

49:29

axe I just

49:31

I don't understand like how lazy your

49:33

serial killers that they can't even fucking

49:35

muster up well

49:38

I guess it makes some more I can't

49:40

even muster up the fucking wherewithal

49:43

just to become an uber driver once

49:45

you make your life easier. Quit

49:49

fucking pulling over and dragging people in

49:51

the car. Why don't you just become an Uber driver? Just let him

49:53

get in the fucking car. Why don't you just do that? Is

49:57

there any checks and balances on that? just

50:00

fucking show up and there's a guy, hey, how you doing? Hey,

50:02

person, I don't know with a company

50:05

that I don't even know what it is. Does it

50:07

even exist? Is it in the air? Is it a digital

50:10

company? I don't understand how any of

50:12

this shit works. Speaking

50:14

of that, you know what's the dumbest fucking thing I've seen in a while

50:17

is the fucking I watch. I really

50:19

hope that that thing bombs. Are

50:23

you really going to sit there watching video like you're

50:25

fucking, you can't figure out what time it is and you're

50:27

just staring at your wrist. Is that what you're going

50:29

to do?

50:30

All those stupid features. I think they're out

50:32

of ideas over there. That's what happened.

50:34

Old Steve Jobs died, right?

50:37

He's not cracking the whip and those scientists over

50:39

there, they're getting lazy. What are you going to make next,

50:41

huh? Earrings

50:43

that you can watch YouTube videos on. It's

50:46

over. Everything that needs

50:48

to be invented is invented. And

50:50

that's why all these scientists are, that's

50:52

the real reason all these scientists are dying.

50:55

Have

50:56

you seen all this shit? Yet

50:58

another dead scientist. Right?

51:02

Alberto Behar was

51:05

a robotics expert for NASA at

51:08

the JPL. And

51:10

everybody in science knows that that stands for

51:12

the Jerk

51:15

Plane Longitude. Where the fuck it is. He died instantly

51:19

when his single-engine plane nosedive. Fucking

51:21

scientist. God

51:23

damn scientist, right? Nosedive shortly after takeoff

51:26

Friday morning from Van Nuys Airport.

51:29

He worked on two Mars missions and spent years

51:31

researching how robots work in harsh environments

51:33

like volcanoes

51:35

and underwater. Well, I can tell you they work in volcanoes.

51:37

They'd fucking melt. You

51:40

had to do research on that? As

51:42

part of NASA's team exploring

51:44

Mars with the Curiosity

51:47

rover.

51:48

Maybe that's why he killed himself.

51:50

He had to keep, what project are you working

51:53

on? Just mumbling. Curiosity rover. The

51:55

what?

51:57

The curiosity rover.

52:00

Awkward silence at the dinner table. Then

52:03

somebody with a GED starts snickering. Curiosity

52:08

rover. Let me get, because it's curious.

52:12

Fucking eggheads it's the best you can come up with. Bayhar

52:14

was responsible for a device that detected

52:17

hydrogen on the planet's surface

52:19

as the rover moved curiously

52:22

over the surface. 47 year old nasty.

52:25

You know how fucking old that sounds to me? 47? I'm gonna

52:28

be 47 in June.

52:29

Does that mean I'm gonna

52:32

die? 47 year old NASA scientist, Alberto

52:34

Behar, helped to prove that

52:37

there had once been water on Mars according

52:39

to the sad Daily Mail story.

52:41

Oh shit, Daily Mail. Is a credible

52:44

source. Published to announce his recent

52:46

death in a plane crash that happened on Friday

52:48

in Los Angeles, California. While plane crashes

52:51

do, this is where you go into conspiracy theory

52:53

right here. While

52:54

plane crashes do happen and

52:57

scientists do die, Behar's

53:02

name has now been

53:04

headed to a very long list of scientists

53:06

and astronomers who've met

53:08

their untimely ends prematurely,

53:11

leading us to ask, did

53:13

Behar know something that

53:15

they, that they, in quotes, don't

53:17

want the rest of society to find

53:20

out what

53:23

the fuck could this guy is possibly not I don't

53:25

understand what people are saying was

53:28

global warming so overwhelming to him and he knows

53:30

that the seas were going to rise so he just pushed

53:32

the fucking yoke forward and that was it is that

53:34

what you're saying this

53:36

guy worked on robots he

53:39

designed a device that discovered fucking hydrogen

53:42

existed on mars How

53:45

could that hurt? I remember I used to be

53:47

in conspiracy theory. I still think that there are

53:49

conspiracies. I do think that, you know, I mean,

53:51

I'm conspiring right now to try to somehow do some

53:53

fucking hour and act like this is entertaining.

53:56

So you guys will listen to this shit. So you'll come out to my

53:58

shows this whole fucking thing doesn't

54:00

exist. Here you are listening

54:02

to it thinking you're hearing some sort of truth

54:04

right? Right there. I'm gonna

54:06

debunk all of these things. Why did he die?

54:09

Because scientists

54:11

are underpaid and he didn't have a so he couldn't afford a twin

54:14

engine so when this first one the

54:17

first one cut out you know he

54:19

was kind of uh kind of fucked.

54:24

Sorry I don't know John Rogers, tropical

54:27

disease expert. Well Maybe he got too close to the

54:30

disease and if you see the size

54:32

of his glasses, I think this is why you know What these fucking

54:34

scientist problems are is they read

54:36

too much and they ruin their eyes

54:39

and then they get then they start flying planes And they drive

54:41

cars and they hit shit You know

54:43

what I mean? It's got a suck You

54:45

know what I mean is your life is flashing before you

54:47

in that split second And then you know the exact

54:50

way you're gonna fucking die because

54:52

you're a you're an egghead scientist So

54:54

rather than me just flying towards

54:57

a tree doing the Magroober. No,

55:00

no, no! They're actually gonna think my bride

55:02

has got a slal against the front of the cradle

55:05

vortex. They

55:07

can do all of that.

55:10

Wonder if they're gonna be brain dead. This is

55:12

fucking morbid. All right, Glenn Thomas,

55:16

AIDS and Ebola expert. Damn, why don't you just

55:18

work with poisonous snakes while you're at it? Guy's

55:21

sitting there juggling plagues while he's eating a

55:23

Subway sandwich. No wonder he, let me guess,

55:26

did he die of Ebola

55:29

and a spokesperson for the World Health Organization.

55:32

Well, isn't that the trifecta? This

55:34

guy just shuts everybody down at the dinner table. Maybe

55:37

people were sick of him dominating the conversation.

55:41

This is my husband, Glenn Thomas. He's an Ebola

55:43

and AIDS expert. And when he's not doing that,

55:45

he's a spokesperson for the World Health Organization.

55:48

What do you do?

55:50

I tell shit jokes in a strip

55:52

mall. Ebola expert

55:54

Glenn Thomas, who looks surprisingly

55:57

like Chris 98 people

56:01

who were killed when a Malaysian Airlines flight

56:04

MH17 was shot down and crashed

56:06

in the ukule what the fuck yeah He

56:10

got he yeah, I mean what about all

56:12

the other people that died on there, but there was some plumbers

56:14

a couple of teachers

56:18

How come everybody's paying attention to the scientists?

56:21

You know what this all this shit comes from it's it's the

56:23

fact that everybody knows

56:26

Everybody knows everybody's got, everybody's

56:28

got some secrets, right? And you know there's people up there.

56:30

Just the excitement they must have. You

56:33

know, having the cures for diseases

56:35

or whatever. Just the shit that they know. Like

56:39

say, you know, they're talking about this giant

56:41

fucking iceberg that's gonna melt in

56:43

Antarctica. That's gonna raise the entire

56:45

fucking ocean eight feet. Which I don't get.

56:48

It's like how fucking big,

56:51

at what point does it stop being a glacier?

56:53

It's just all of Antarctica is melting. You

56:57

know what I mean? And I don't understand how Antarctica,

56:59

right, it's just all fucking ice basically. You're

57:02

sitting there floating in the fucking drink.

57:04

You know, if you put ice cubes

57:07

in your, this is what I'm really going to sound dumb here.

57:09

If you put ice cubes in a glass of water, the water

57:12

goes up.

57:13

So isn't that ice already in the fucking water?

57:17

I don't know what's going on. No

57:19

Bill, it's on land. Is it?

57:22

Is there land underneath there? what it is. I just

57:24

thought it was a bunch of frozen water. And

57:28

the reason for this is the sun is

57:30

hitting the the top. It

57:33

iced every, you know what, for my whole life everybody told

57:35

me the reason why. I'll

57:37

ask you guys this, do you know why it's hotter

57:39

at the equator than it is at the poles? Do

57:42

you know why? For my whole life everybody

57:45

said, well it's because you know it's

57:47

closer to the sun, you

57:49

know, because it kind of puffs out, right? Like

57:52

when you had too many donuts, it's got a, you know, Earth's got a little

57:55

muffin top, you

57:57

know? It's got a lot of

57:59

water weight down. there

58:00

like so all of a sudden you're whatever

58:02

you're like this caught much closer to the Sun it

58:05

that's actually not the case just

58:10

wait a few guys to fucking yell at me that what's basically

58:13

is is

58:14

it's getting direct sunlight and

58:17

as the curvature of the earth goes up that

58:19

sunlight angle it becomes more angled and again

58:21

you're not taking it it's basically

58:23

let's just put it in terms everybody can understand

58:27

the equator is getting a facial from the sun.

58:30

Okay, it's not wearing glasses either. Okay,

58:32

it's just taking it

58:35

right in the face. All right, the poles

58:37

are kind of looking away and like falling

58:39

out of the way, right? That's basically what it is. So

58:41

it's a glancing blow.

58:43

They still got a little jizz in their hair, but it's a lot

58:45

easier to wash off. And

58:47

that's why it's hotter

58:50

at the equator than it is in in the North

58:52

Pole. You see that everybody? I'm

58:54

smart.

58:57

I know things not like everybody says.

59:01

So anyways, let's get on. So how did this, how did Glenn

59:03

Thomas die? It is understood he

59:05

was one of the, one of more than a hundred researchers

59:08

who were aboard the flight on their way

59:10

to an international AIDS conference

59:12

in Australia.

59:14

Oh Jesus Christ. Wasn't it because

59:17

Wasn't it because there was some moron on the

59:19

ground who couldn't tell

59:22

the difference between an F-16 and a 747? Maybe

59:26

he had a quota. You

59:29

know, like those meter maids, they just got to start writing tickets. And

59:31

it was getting towards the end of the month, he hadn't shot anything down yet, and he was

59:33

just like, Fuck it! I don't

59:35

give a fuck if it's fucking up there

59:38

moving, I don't give shit if it's a fucking drone or

59:40

a goddamn parakeet, I'm shooting that fucking down. And

59:42

all of a sudden they come flying over. All right,

59:47

Mark Ferry. Oh Jesus. You gotta grow

59:49

up. Hey, hey, hey, you fucking fairy. You

59:52

had to deal with that his whole life, his poor

59:54

bastard. 59 years old, nuclear

59:57

engineer. A renowned American engineer was

59:59

found dead in his home. hotel

1:00:00

room in Salford after his heart

1:00:02

suddenly stopped working.

1:00:04

Isn't that mysterious? Isn't that weird that

1:00:06

somebody could have a heart attack at 50 died? This is the

1:00:09

dumbest conspiracy ever. Mark Ferry, 59

1:00:12

from Tennessee. Well, there you go.

1:00:15

He's from Tennessee, grew up on fried food.

1:00:19

Jesus Christ, they barely even have books in that state.

1:00:21

The fact that this guy became a nuclear engineer

1:00:24

growing up, you know, we didn't have shoes,

1:00:27

right? And he just sat there. He was just

1:00:29

this fucking anomaly on

1:00:31

his crickety front porch watching his whole fucking

1:00:34

family Playing instruments

1:00:37

they made out of the fucking junk they had in their front

1:00:39

yard, and he's just sitting there going. I'm better than this God

1:00:43

damn it. I'm gonna start reading and he did

1:00:46

Started reading like Johnny Appleseed said instead

1:00:48

of walking. He was fucking letting his eyes walk walking

1:00:51

all over those books turn

1:00:54

him into applesauce. That's

1:01:01

what Mark Ferry did. I'm going to eulogize this

1:01:03

guy. Mark

1:01:06

Ferry wasn't dumb like the rest of us in this

1:01:08

state. That

1:01:10

motherfucker, I know I'm in church, I'm sorry,

1:01:12

all right? I'm speaking from the heart here, okay? Jesus

1:01:15

understands. That motherfucker, he said,

1:01:18

I'm getting out of this state. All

1:01:21

right, I'm going to find me a book

1:01:23

first of all you know he had to go to least to Georgia

1:01:27

to discover he was walking the wrong fucking

1:01:29

way you thought I was gonna say something good about Georgia

1:01:31

didn't you fuck them fuck them Bulldogs

1:01:34

right go balls go balls so

1:01:36

this fucker said wait a minute I need to go up

1:01:38

north that's where they keep all the books

1:01:41

right because

1:01:43

we lost one fucking war and I got to

1:01:45

take away all the books. I get it. I

1:01:47

get it. So he walks up to Ohio

1:01:53

and he found himself a fucking book and next you know

1:01:55

he became a nuclear nuclear.

1:01:59

engineer. I

1:02:02

don't really know what that means and

1:02:04

I don't know what that does but he did it. You're

1:02:08

not gonna believe what the fuck just happened. My stupid recorder

1:02:11

got full. I fucking eulogized that guy for

1:02:13

like another five minutes.

1:02:15

God damn it. See?

1:02:17

It's a conspiracy. They shut off

1:02:19

your little recording thing. Let me finish this. I

1:02:21

gotta go back to this guy. Mark Ferry.

1:02:24

So he walks up to fucking Ohio

1:02:27

gets themselves a goddamn book and

1:02:29

he becomes a nuclear engineer and

1:02:32

as I mentioned before before the fucking

1:02:35

Illuminati shut off my fucking recorder

1:02:39

I don't really know what a nuclear engineer is

1:02:41

I just know it takes a long time to say

1:02:44

so that's some smart shit but

1:02:46

I'll tell you this Mark Ferry all

1:02:49

right now beat him up I called him a fairy I

1:02:52

did all I never really even like the guy okay who the

1:02:54

fuck's kidding who I'm sorry Martha

1:02:56

I had to say it I'm in God's

1:02:58

house gonna tell truth commandment

1:03:01

number seven whatever

1:03:03

it is fucking

1:03:05

bitch she she

1:03:07

deserves that ball

1:03:10

see me outside anyways this mark fairy

1:03:14

all right despite him leaving

1:03:17

Tennessee he never forgot who the fuck he was.

1:03:20

I'll tell you right now, ain't

1:03:22

nobody up north dies of a heart attack at 59.

1:03:25

That is some southern shit. All

1:03:27

right? You know why that is. You know why that

1:03:29

is, because I don't give a fuck how far you leave

1:03:31

Tennessee. You ain't leaving that diet.

1:03:34

You ain't leaving that diet. Them briskets, them

1:03:38

ham hawked, them piggy sandwiches.

1:03:40

He probably had, he probably had barbecue grease

1:03:42

all over that lab coat.

1:03:46

That's right, man. A real southern

1:03:48

man. You're the only southern man that makes

1:03:50

it to 60. If you

1:03:53

make it to 60, it's the southern man. I

1:03:55

hate to... You're laying down with another man.

1:03:57

I'm sorry to bring the homophobia I can't do it.

1:04:00

Well,

1:04:03

that's true. According

1:04:05

to the Bible. So

1:04:08

there you go. There you go. Evidently

1:04:12

Mark Ferry was not a ferry because he

1:04:14

died at 59. I

1:04:18

blew somebody once at a truck stop, but

1:04:20

I didn't do it in this state. So

1:04:23

don't make it gay. Anyways, Mark

1:04:25

Ferry,

1:04:27

he's dead now. And I'll tell you right now, I don't

1:04:29

think you're ever going to see another nuclear engineer

1:04:32

coming from this state. You ain't going to see another one

1:04:34

like that guy in a long, long fucking

1:04:37

time. All right, so everybody raise

1:04:39

up your jars. This

1:04:42

dude was shot to shine from Mark Ferry. The

1:04:46

record is still going. It is still going. So basically what

1:04:48

you guys missed is as I continue to read

1:04:52

these fucking, like

1:04:54

any conspiracy theory, it's like the more you start

1:04:56

reading, you start believing. Carol Ambruster.

1:05:00

Okay, she's 69 years old. 69. You

1:05:02

think, ah, she had a good run. She was found

1:05:04

by her roommate in a kitchen. All

1:05:07

right, with a knife in her neck, and she'd already been stabbed

1:05:10

in the chest. So it's just like,

1:05:14

that's usually not what's happened. You know, this

1:05:17

other one had been hog tied and burned to death.

1:05:20

It's like, what are these scientists fucking gang banging

1:05:23

now? You know what I mean? I'm

1:05:25

starting to believe the shit. Here's

1:05:28

what his one actually believed. Shane Todd 31 PhD in electrical

1:05:33

engineering with an expertise with

1:05:36

Gauss gallium nitrate nitride.

1:05:41

Shane Todd the man with two first names.

1:05:44

Alright here's the mystery. Dr.

1:05:46

Todd felt increasingly uncomfortable with the work

1:05:48

he was doing with the Chinese company. Who are

1:05:51

we? Who are we? Who

1:05:53

the fuck are you? Sorry, I

1:05:55

can't do that. Maybe if I did it in a bad Chinese

1:05:57

accent it would work. Hold on, wait, hold

1:05:59

on, fuck. To the

1:06:01

point Shane told his family, I

1:06:03

swear to God, who are we? H-U-A-W-E-I.

1:06:10

Man, that must be cheesy commercials. Anyways,

1:06:13

to the point Shane told his family that he was being asked

1:06:16

to compromise U.S. security and he feared for his life. Now

1:06:18

this guy got whacked. Of

1:06:20

course he did. What the fuck are you doing,

1:06:22

dude? You're wearing the wrong fucking

1:06:25

lab coat here. Melissa...

1:06:29

...Kanootie. Scientists

1:06:32

have weird names. She was hog-tied and

1:06:34

burned. Now I'm starting to believe this shit. This

1:06:37

guy 58 died of a heart attack. Zachary

1:06:40

died of a fucking boating accident.

1:06:43

That happens, right? Potomac. Everybody's hammered

1:06:45

on the fucking Potomac. Another heart attack. Heart

1:06:47

attacks are dismissed. Here's a

1:06:49

weird one.

1:06:50

Fan-John Mang and

1:06:53

Cheung-yang Zhang. So what'd it go? Chung

1:06:55

Yang Zang. Table

1:06:59

for two for Chung Yang Zang. Drowned

1:07:02

in a Branson Hotel swimming pool. Both were in China, both

1:07:05

were from China and were working. Dude,

1:07:07

how the fuck does

1:07:10

two people drown, two adults

1:07:12

drown in a fucking hotel swimming pool? They

1:07:15

don't even have deep ends anymore. Right?

1:07:18

All you gotta do is stand up. I

1:07:21

mean, I'm gonna go, maybe they got drunk. It's

1:07:28

like fucking two bouncy steps

1:07:30

into the side. You got something to hang on to. Ah,

1:07:34

Jesus Christ, I'm starting to believe this shit. Gregory

1:07:38

Stone, 54, from an

1:07:40

unknown illness. Well, that happens. Bradley, 56,

1:07:44

died in a car crash. Well, you know, they're

1:07:46

reading. They don't have good eyes. Dr.

1:07:51

Masood Ali Mahamidi, 50,

1:07:53

was assassinated January

1:07:55

11th when a remote-controlled bomb inside of his

1:07:58

motorcycle near his car was detonated.

1:08:00

I mean that happens. That

1:08:02

happened to a buddy of mine the other day. The

1:08:04

professor of nuclear physics at Tehran

1:08:07

University was politically active. Oh

1:08:09

yeah, yeah, this guy got whacked. You

1:08:12

should see his picture too. It's like he knows it's coming.

1:08:14

Yep, got a couple

1:08:16

more days left for this shit. Jack

1:08:20

P. Wheeler, the third, 66, last

1:08:22

seen December 30th, found dead in Delaware,

1:08:25

a Delaware landfill. Yeah, he got whacked.

1:08:28

Anytime you end up in a landfill, fought to get the Vietnam

1:08:30

Memorial built and was served

1:08:32

and served in two Bush administrations. His death has been ruled a

1:08:34

homicide. Yeah, of course it

1:08:36

has. Christ, that guy's a fucking hero.

1:08:39

That's a terrible one. This is just a, but it, there's

1:08:42

a horrible website. I can't stop reading it. Mark A. Smith, 45. Dude,

1:08:47

this guy looks like he's 90. That's 45.

1:08:50

I'm a year older than that guy. Renowned

1:08:53

Alzheimer's disease researcher has died after being after

1:08:55

being hit by a car in Ohio.

1:08:59

Is that suspicious? I don't know.

1:09:02

I'm not even gonna try to say this woman's name. She

1:09:04

was dead of an apparent suicide

1:09:07

by cyanide

1:09:09

at a Temple Terrace hotel. She

1:09:12

left a suicide note saying she used cyanide.

1:09:16

Hazmat team officials said the cyanide was

1:09:18

found only in granular

1:09:21

form, meaning it was not considered dangerous

1:09:24

outside of the room it was founded. The

1:09:26

chemical is considered more dangerous than a liquid

1:09:28

or gas form. Potassium

1:09:31

cyanide, the apparent cause, potassium

1:09:33

cyanide, the apparent cause of death is a chemical that commonly

1:09:35

used by, I don't

1:09:38

understand what the fuck that is.

1:09:41

I mean, she said she used cyanide, it's fucking right there.

1:09:46

Another woman died at the hands of Amy Bishop. Her

1:09:48

background was in, Jesus,

1:09:50

who would have thought it so fucked? These guys are dying

1:09:52

like, uh...

1:09:55

Bloods and crypts here. Anyways, let's

1:09:57

get to the, uh, enough of that shit. I

1:09:59

don't even know. what to believe anymore. I don't even know

1:10:01

what to say anymore. What's going

1:10:03

on? All right. Let's

1:10:06

get to some of the some of the questions here for the

1:10:08

week. No, no, no. What am I doing? I want to get some of the advertising.

1:10:11

There you go. Let's get back to the bullshit here. Do you guys have

1:10:13

a nice Easter? I

1:10:15

had an awesome Easter. My

1:10:18

mother-in-law came over, right?

1:10:20

And she actually wanted to go to brunch.

1:10:23

Okay. And I was just like,

1:10:25

oh, I was like, Gee

1:10:28

jeez. Oh

1:10:30

my god, I thought this was a day of celebration.

1:10:33

Why would you drag us into the hell of brunch

1:10:35

on fucking Easter? Are you out of your mind?

1:10:38

Right? This is how cool my wife is. I just say

1:10:40

to her, I said, she goes, do you want to go to brunch

1:10:44

with me and my mother on Easter? I

1:10:46

was like, no, I don't. I

1:10:48

don't want to do that. Why don't we go drinking on St. Patrick's

1:10:51

Day? Why don't we go out on New Year's

1:10:53

and go to Times Square? The fuck

1:10:55

are we doing here? She's like, I know, that's

1:10:58

right. I go, why don't we just have brunch

1:11:00

at home? I'll make some eggs, I'll throw

1:11:02

in some fucking waffles. Whatever

1:11:04

you want, I'll cook it, right?

1:11:06

She goes, I got one better for you. Why don't we just order some

1:11:08

fucking Chinese food? That's what we did. Chinese

1:11:12

food on Easter. Don't

1:11:14

Jewish people eat Chinese food on

1:11:17

Christmas? I gotta tell you, I

1:11:19

loved it on Easter. Why stop on Christmas?

1:11:22

Those Jews, I'm telling you, they're onto something.

1:11:25

This fucking Chinese food on Christian

1:11:28

holidays, I'm all about it dude, it was awesome. We

1:11:30

had, what

1:11:33

did we have there? We

1:11:35

had, I don't know what the fuck, we

1:11:37

had crab rangoo, all that

1:11:39

deep fried shit that's fucking sloshing around

1:11:41

in my belly right now, it was tremendous. And

1:11:43

then she showed up with a lemon meringue pie, and

1:11:46

that was my Easter, no bunny,

1:11:48

right? No fucking going

1:11:50

down to church and you gotta listen to the Jesus

1:11:52

story over and fucking over

1:11:55

again. You know what I mean? It's

1:11:57

such an amazing story. You think that they could make

1:12:00

a good movie about it. You know what I mean? I mean, technically

1:12:02

it should be better than all of those born identities,

1:12:04

but it isn't. I don't

1:12:06

know what they need. They should make just, you know, if

1:12:09

I look, the Catholic Church is who's kidding who it's

1:12:11

sliding down a grease pole. You

1:12:14

know,

1:12:14

nobody's buying nobody's going anymore.

1:12:17

All right. It's like, it's

1:12:20

like the Jacksonville Jaguars of

1:12:22

the fucking religions as far as you know,

1:12:25

old stadium, nobody's showing up, plenty

1:12:28

of seats. What do you want to sit down front? You

1:12:30

got it. It's all you. You

1:12:32

can hang out with the fucking players afterwards. So

1:12:35

what I would do is I would, I

1:12:38

would invent like the iCatholic church,

1:12:41

you know, just rip off

1:12:44

Apple to get these kids. You get flat

1:12:46

screens in there, right? You

1:12:48

do, you get Tupac, whatever they did to him

1:12:51

where he became the, homogenized

1:12:54

version what the fuck is it the the holy

1:12:56

o graph what the hell is it because of

1:12:58

an H

1:13:00

holograph

1:13:02

a little acute whatever

1:13:04

the fuck it is you do that but you just do it with the priest

1:13:07

you have some of the best priests of all time the

1:13:09

two parks the fucking biggie smalls

1:13:11

of priests and you bring them back to life just

1:13:13

like even fuck it you just bring Jesus back

1:13:16

that's what you do you have

1:13:19

him up there right he comes down from the fucking

1:13:21

all pixelated coming down from the ceiling. You

1:13:24

know what I mean? And

1:13:26

people don't believe it's him at first. Oh,

1:13:29

what are you? Did you fucking make that? You shoot that

1:13:31

with a potato, laughing my ass off

1:13:33

on the floor over here, shaking my head. That

1:13:35

guy, you know, you got to

1:13:37

take a little shit from the Twitter ROTC, right?

1:13:40

And then all of a sudden you just, you just keep saying, no, that's

1:13:42

actually Jesus.

1:13:44

Right. And if you watch that thing on Scientology,

1:13:46

like I did, you know what I mean? What you

1:13:48

learn other than the fact that it just takes 2,600 lawsuits

1:13:52

at the same time and the IRS will cave.

1:13:55

That's the only thing I learned.

1:13:57

Other than that is is that they draw all

1:13:59

the They dress like they're in Buck Rogers,

1:14:01

which is, you know, it's kind of cool, right? I'm

1:14:04

into space movies now. I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying.

1:14:06

You get some flat screens, right? You

1:14:09

get some Chinese food. You

1:14:11

go easy with the guilt and

1:14:13

you bring them back, you know? And

1:14:15

you try as hard as you can to not fuck any more children.

1:14:18

And I think you could turn this business around. This

1:14:20

is like that's, what is that? What is that show where

1:14:22

the guy comes in and he tries to fix

1:14:25

your bar? What's it called? Bar

1:14:27

Fixer?

1:14:28

Huh? Dive doctor, whenever

1:14:30

the fuck there's some stupid name, right? He

1:14:33

comes in, your fucking beer tap

1:14:36

smell like my wife's vagina on

1:14:38

July when she gets off an elliptical.

1:14:41

I just scream- I

1:14:44

just scream at people about

1:14:47

their dumb ass bars. You

1:14:49

just gotta do that with the Catholic Church, you just

1:14:51

go in there. Screaming,

1:14:53

why is that guy fucking a child? Right?

1:14:56

And you turn the whole fucking thing around. What

1:15:00

would it be? It's got to be a lid- alliteration, like Christ-fixer,

1:15:03

but it's got to be with another C. Cry-

1:15:06

Christ-crier.

1:15:09

Jesus-jamming. I don't know what the fuck

1:15:11

you'd call it. Christian

1:15:14

Mingle. How bad is that?

1:15:16

Christian Mingle. How fucking creepy is Mingle?

1:15:18

Let's get on here, Mingle. I

1:15:21

really want to see your tits. It just seems like you'd just be mumbling

1:15:23

a bunch of shit. a bunch of shit. Well, I see it's a

1:15:25

fucking no three way. Um,

1:15:28

sorry. All right, here we go. Let's, let's, let's

1:15:30

read some of the, uh, let's

1:15:32

read some of the fucking questions here for this week.

1:15:34

Shall we? Well, I don't give a shit. I'm

1:15:37

running shit. Okay. By the way, if you'd like to email

1:15:39

me, if you'd like to hear me read out loud, something

1:15:41

that you wrote and butcher it, uh, emails

1:15:43

can be sent to bill

1:15:45

at the mm podcast.com.

1:15:48

If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you

1:15:51

can go to at the

1:15:53

MMPodcast. All right, here

1:15:55

we go. Here we are. All right. Okay. All

1:15:58

right, is my husband husband too

1:16:01

cheap. Dear Bill, I'm

1:16:03

a 34 year old fucking

1:16:06

lady and

1:16:08

have been married for six years. I'm

1:16:12

hoping you can help me with some advice on my marriage.

1:16:14

For the most part, my husband and I are pretty similar,

1:16:17

but we have completely different outlooks on

1:16:19

finances.

1:16:21

Already already I'm already

1:16:23

thinking sexist shit here, so I got to stop.

1:16:26

All right.

1:16:27

I'm picture and you just buying a bunch of dumb shit

1:16:30

that and you're fucking you're driving them to an early

1:16:32

grave. But

1:16:33

let's see.

1:16:34

Maybe maybe maybe this guy is a cunt. Gonna

1:16:37

be open minded here. All right. Open

1:16:40

minded. All right. My husband works full

1:16:43

time and I work part time myself

1:16:45

and I'm and am I

1:16:48

start over my husband works full time and

1:16:50

I work part time myself and am

1:16:52

a housewife. I swear to God that's how she wrote the

1:16:54

sentence

1:16:56

should be and I am a housewife

1:16:58

and am a housewife. You never have fucking

1:17:01

three short words that begin with A in a row. Myself

1:17:04

and am a housewife and am a

1:17:07

housewife. That sounds

1:17:09

good. My husband works full-time and I work part-time

1:17:11

myself and am a housewife. I

1:17:13

get it. You fucking spoke this into a speaker,

1:17:16

right?

1:17:17

That little magic device on your phone. Early

1:17:20

in our marriage,

1:17:22

we both worked full-time but it became

1:17:24

difficult for me when I would clean the house

1:17:26

on days off and he would not be helpful in

1:17:28

sharing those duties. Oh, this guy's

1:17:30

old school.

1:17:32

Lifting his feet up as you come by with the fucking

1:17:34

swifter. He

1:17:38

would just play video games. And

1:17:40

I'm not a clean freak or anything. I just don't like

1:17:43

living in a shit show of a house. Oh my God.

1:17:45

I fucking love this woman. You're right up my alley. Before

1:17:48

we were married, he would let dirty laundry

1:17:51

pile up for weeks before he washed it. Jesus

1:17:54

Christ. I probably

1:17:56

should have spoke to him about it.

1:17:58

I spoke to him about that before we- We

1:18:00

got married or lived together first, but I

1:18:02

did not see it as a huge issue at a time. Ah,

1:18:04

you were young. What did you know? Anyways,

1:18:07

after a year of marriage, we decided that the best

1:18:09

way

1:18:10

would be for me to do the housework and work

1:18:12

part-time and make dinners while he worked full-time.

1:18:15

Ugh, Jesus Christ, this fucking guy is

1:18:18

crushing it.

1:18:20

You know, he's got an old school wife here. Listen,

1:18:23

listen, you quit your dream. I'll

1:18:26

live mine. When I come home, you better have this

1:18:28

place tidy with the fucking steak on the table.

1:18:32

All right. Here's

1:18:34

the issue. Here is the issue with

1:18:36

our marriage, and I would love your opinion.

1:18:41

This is where if I was her girlfriend, we'd be clasping

1:18:43

both hands, both of our hands across the table.

1:18:45

This is what I need you, okay? Oh, I'm here for

1:18:47

you, Karen. Here for you. Just

1:18:49

get it out. My husband

1:18:52

is very conservative

1:18:54

with our money. This

1:18:57

guy doesn't have one redeeming fucking thing.

1:18:59

He's a slob, he's a fucking tightwad.

1:19:01

I hate this guy. He will

1:19:03

save and keep our 20 grand

1:19:06

in our finances for any- well that's

1:19:08

smart though. I don't know, he is kind of smart. He will save

1:19:10

and keep our $20,000 in our

1:19:12

finances for anything that could happen.

1:19:14

I admire it and think it's very smart.

1:19:17

However, he loses sleep over it and

1:19:19

we rarely will go out and do anything

1:19:21

together as a couple. Yeah, this guy's

1:19:23

taking it too far, alright? Um,

1:19:26

we make enough money between the two of us to

1:19:28

pay our bills and save, mind you. Hey,

1:19:31

you don't gotta fucking reprimand me. Um,

1:19:34

he gives me some amount

1:19:36

allowance every month to buy groceries and

1:19:38

other personal items. If

1:19:41

I use another card, he will confront me

1:19:43

and tell me not to use the other debit card.

1:19:46

And if I am low on funds for groceries,

1:19:49

we need to buy ramen for the rest of the

1:19:51

month.

1:19:53

All of our arguments are about money. I

1:19:55

believe in saving money,

1:19:57

but at the same time, I think it's great to

1:19:59

live a little. and buy items for enjoyment

1:20:01

from time to time. I'd love to go out

1:20:04

somewhere fun on a date. Oh

1:20:07

my god, dude, this is sad! With

1:20:09

my husband without him worrying about money

1:20:11

the whole time. I can't buy concert

1:20:14

tickets without asking him first

1:20:18

to surprise him. Like, this

1:20:20

guy's fucking... Likewise, he never

1:20:22

surprises me with anything either. If

1:20:25

this thing ends with you on your fucking hands and

1:20:27

knees scrubbing the floorboards because he wouldn't even

1:20:29

buy you a fucking Swifty. What

1:20:33

should I do? I've confronted him about how I think

1:20:35

his fear is unhealthy. Am I wrong? I'm

1:20:37

telling you.

1:20:38

He goes, I'm telling you. It's a rough one, okay?

1:20:41

I love it. I love that you threw that in there. She's

1:20:43

got a sense of humor. This, I think this woman's

1:20:45

cool. Thanks. I love your comedy. Listen to your podcast

1:20:48

every week. Go

1:20:50

fuck yourself.

1:20:52

All right. Yeah, this woman's

1:20:55

a fucking champ. The amount of shit she's putting

1:20:57

up with. All right, she's

1:20:59

got a sense of humor. She's listening to the podcast.

1:21:02

I you know what I Maybe

1:21:04

she's snowing me. I think I think I think you're

1:21:06

totally cool. Yeah, this guy needs

1:21:08

to fuck and he needs to relax

1:21:11

I Don't

1:21:13

know what would you do here? Just say look something's

1:21:16

got a change here All right, cuz I haven't

1:21:18

been to a fucking Cheesecake Factory in

1:21:20

like nine years All right,

1:21:22

you got to take me this guy this guy, you know what it is.

1:21:24

He doesn't understand He doesn't

1:21:26

understand women. He doesn't

1:21:28

get it. You guys like to go out, alright? And

1:21:32

I think you're cool enough that you don't... What the fuck doesn't

1:21:34

like to go out? That's such a dumb thing I just said. I'm

1:21:38

too stupid to explain it, but I totally get where you're at. This

1:21:40

guy needs to take you out, alright? He needs

1:21:42

to remind you why you guys fell in love.

1:21:45

He needs to, you know... Just

1:21:48

go every once in a while. Just say, you know what? Fuck

1:21:50

it. Let's

1:21:52

go out and just blow fucking a couple hundred

1:21:54

bucks on a meal.

1:21:56

Right?

1:21:57

That's it. And then we just...

1:21:59

Jesus. Christ if you spend too much money it's ramen

1:22:01

noodles I mean this guy it's like this guy sounds

1:22:04

like he grew up during the depression.

1:22:07

And you're nice enough to admire

1:22:09

that he thinks about fucking money you got 20 grand saved

1:22:12

up which is better than most people he

1:22:14

could just loosen the purse strings let

1:22:16

a couple of nuggets fall out once every six

1:22:19

weeks for Christ's sake what

1:22:23

do you do there how

1:22:25

do you go about that I don't

1:22:28

know a tightwad that's a tough one man a cheap

1:22:30

guy is just just a cheap person

1:22:33

they're just fucking cheap that's

1:22:37

like you're not even going to enjoy life for christ's

1:22:39

sake um

1:22:44

i think you got to start roofing him i

1:22:46

hate to say it but you know every

1:22:49

once in a while the date rape drug is uh it's

1:22:51

called for i think you need to fucking this

1:22:53

is what i would do

1:22:55

no you can't do that so you can't do that That's fucking I'd

1:22:58

say I would just fucking give

1:23:01

him the date rape drug Let

1:23:03

him pass out at the table Then I would just go out

1:23:05

and booze it up and then I come home And

1:23:08

he'd be like and he'd just be like did I fall

1:23:10

asleep at the kitchen table again last

1:23:12

night? Yeah, you did it was weird.

1:23:14

It was like you were eating the ramen noodles

1:23:19

It just you went face

1:23:22

down in it I'll tell

1:23:24

you, thank God you're too cheap to boil

1:23:26

water and that water was at fucking room temperature.

1:23:28

You might have burned your face. You

1:23:35

either got a roofie or

1:23:38

you got to just say, listen, I

1:23:41

need to go out. Okay.

1:23:44

I can't keep living like some fucking broad

1:23:47

enough fucking miserable

1:23:49

fairy tale that's waiting for his for

1:23:51

fucking Prince Charming to show up. All

1:23:54

right. Here's the deal. Fucko.

1:23:57

Once a month. You're taking me out. Alright,

1:24:00

you're making me feel like a fucking lady, you're

1:24:02

making me feel attractive. Alright?

1:24:06

Or I'm gonna start fucking working again. I'm

1:24:08

sitting here watching your sweaty balls fucking

1:24:11

underwear, and you can't even take

1:24:13

me to a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese? Huh?

1:24:16

Your cheap cunt? I

1:24:19

don't know how to do it. You know what, maybe he's listening to this. Dude,

1:24:22

take her out for Christ's sake. Alright? Listen,

1:24:26

the dollar's gonna collapse anyway, so your 20

1:24:28

grand isn't gonna be worth shit. So why don't you go out and

1:24:30

fucking buy a pork chop with

1:24:32

it while you still can there you go All

1:24:34

right. Here we go fear of damnation

1:24:37

Dear bill growing

1:24:39

up Catholic Oh Geez

1:24:43

my parents instilled me

1:24:45

and stilled me with a healthy

1:24:47

fear of damnation Like so many others

1:24:49

as I got older I grew away from the

1:24:51

church But the fear of going to hell

1:24:54

was never far from my mind This

1:24:56

is why it's funny that everybody made fun of the fucking

1:24:58

Scientology movie. Just saying it's a cult.

1:25:00

Those people are fucking crazy. As opposed

1:25:03

to what?

1:25:04

The shit we're doing.

1:25:06

I love Scientology for the simple fact that

1:25:08

they sued the fucking IRS

1:25:09

and they went, alright, alright, alright, Jesus

1:25:12

Christ, these people are crazy. They

1:25:14

beat the IRS. That goes a

1:25:16

long fucking way. Alright,

1:25:19

a couple of kids die every year due

1:25:21

to the common cold, but other than that, I think

1:25:23

it's a good religion. Over the course of

1:25:25

my life, I've had many opportunities

1:25:28

to wrong others. Some were

1:25:30

out of necessity and some due to my

1:25:32

own greed or poor judgment. Jesus,

1:25:35

this took a fucking left turn. Did I miss a paragraph?

1:25:38

I lie awake at night with the details

1:25:40

of each sin running through my mind. How it

1:25:42

affected those people I hurt

1:25:44

and what their lives would be like had I never

1:25:46

altered it with my own destructive presence. What

1:25:49

the fuck did you do to these people? This

1:25:51

guy sounds like a worse person than me. The

1:25:53

sins weigh on me as they should, and

1:25:55

I wondered if I'm going to burn in hell for the things

1:25:58

I've done or if I could possibly turn it all over.

1:26:00

The Bible provides some details

1:26:03

about the afterlife, but doesn't get too

1:26:05

specific about how each person is... But

1:26:08

it doesn't get too specific about how

1:26:10

each person is tormented when they reach hell. Well,

1:26:13

don't ever read Dante's Inferno.

1:26:16

You don't want to read that. My biggest fear is that

1:26:18

after I die, I would arrive and while

1:26:20

burning

1:26:21

in the internal fire, your

1:26:23

podcast would be playing on a loop. Ah,

1:26:28

that's

1:26:33

fucking hilarious. Please help me. I'll

1:26:36

do anything. Give to

1:26:38

charity, save a puppy, whatever it takes. I

1:26:40

have to redeem myself somehow. So I won't have

1:26:42

to hear your voice yammering on about

1:26:44

the NFL and cackling at your own jokes

1:26:46

forever.

1:26:50

Ah, you got me you son

1:26:52

of a bitch. That's fucking hilarious All

1:26:56

right icebreaker Bill I'm

1:26:59

terrible at starting a conversation

1:27:01

with the girl. I'm good in an actual

1:27:03

conversation. I'm only why that guy Why don't you just not

1:27:05

listen to the podcast? You

1:27:08

know what I mean, maybe he listened to one and I was

1:27:10

so fucking annoying or

1:27:12

you know, it's even better Maybe he works with somebody

1:27:15

and they played in like the warehouse Dude,

1:27:18

I'm sorry. I know I'm annoying. I

1:27:20

can't argue with anything you said. Icebreaker,

1:27:23

Bill.

1:27:25

I'm terrible at starting a conversation

1:27:27

with a girl. I'm good in an actual conversation.

1:27:32

What does that mean? Oh,

1:27:34

okay. So you can just like if someone says,

1:27:36

hey, welcome to fucking Denny's. Can I help you?

1:27:38

You're like, yeah, I'd like pigs in a blanket.

1:27:41

Dude,

1:27:41

I'm I'm crushing, crushing that

1:27:43

shit. Anyways,

1:27:45

but I rarely get,

1:27:47

anyways, I'm good at actual conversation, but I rarely

1:27:49

get there because it starts off bad.

1:27:52

What advice can you offer? Do you have any lines

1:27:54

or topics that would work? Thanks and go fuck

1:27:56

yourself. Dude, you're just gonna have to learn to

1:27:58

have a sense of humor about yourself.

1:28:00

You're gonna have to fucking bomb

1:28:03

You're just gonna have to go up and bump you this there's no

1:28:05

fucking hey, baby. What's your sign line

1:28:08

that works? You got to just come up Here's

1:28:10

the thing Don't if you're not good

1:28:12

at hitting on women don't go to a fucking

1:28:15

meat market. All right What

1:28:18

you got to do is you got to chat them up while

1:28:21

you're just doing doing, uh, dude,

1:28:24

it's been so long since I've been fucking singing. I, I

1:28:27

was never good in the meat market bars. I was

1:28:29

always better. Like I met women on the train.

1:28:31

I met them in like the fucking gym.

1:28:34

I met him like, uh, like when we were doing

1:28:37

like, we're both riding on a fucking train.

1:28:39

You know what I mean? And there's no, they don't, they, I get,

1:28:41

they have that guard up there. I guess you're not going to be a mugger.

1:28:43

What the fuck would I do? I would, I talked to him on

1:28:46

a train. I would just wait for someone And if I saw someone

1:28:48

that

1:28:48

I liked on a train,

1:28:51

the only way I could start up a fucking conversation

1:28:53

is if some crazy homeless guy got

1:28:56

on the fucking, you know, or some crazy

1:28:58

person got on the subway and everybody's got that, oh shit,

1:29:00

and then you make eye contact with them, and then I always had a

1:29:02

joke about the fucking homeless guy. That's right. I

1:29:05

took the piss out of somebody who didn't have a house and that would break

1:29:07

the ice and then maybe,

1:29:09

you know, you

1:29:11

know, you're on the subway, it's like speed dating. You got to try to get

1:29:13

the fucking number before they get off.

1:29:17

But if you're not good at conversation,

1:29:19

you got to get good at it.

1:29:21

And I would say

1:29:23

the gym, gym's kind of

1:29:25

creepy. Hey, what are you working

1:29:27

on? You know, she's fucking bent over doing bent over

1:29:29

rows, whatever the fuck it is. The only advice

1:29:32

I have you, it's just like doing stand up. You just have to get on

1:29:34

stage and you just, you have to figure it out.

1:29:36

So that's what I would do. I would get over

1:29:39

your fear of bombing

1:29:41

by getting out there and just bombing and have

1:29:43

a sense of humor about how fucking bad

1:29:45

it's going. at yourself

1:29:48

and just keep swinging away. Just

1:29:51

keep swinging away. I don't know. Just go Ron

1:29:54

Burgundy. Just

1:29:56

be like overly arrogant about yourself, how

1:29:58

fucking awesome you are and just say the... Do you

1:30:00

know that she's thinking all this awesome shit about you?

1:30:03

You know, if you're an average looking guy, she'll think it's

1:30:05

fucking hilarious. And

1:30:06

you're kind of taking the piss out of yourself. There's that

1:30:08

angle. You know what I

1:30:11

mean? I mean, I don't fucking know. You're gonna ask a

1:30:13

married guy? I have no fucking idea anymore. Somebody

1:30:15

help this guy. You know what? Why don't you guys send

1:30:18

me in your best

1:30:20

icebreaker lines? The

1:30:24

only one I think I ever had a good opening fucking

1:30:26

line was when I wanted to hit on this woman

1:30:29

who was... I already told you this I wanted to hit on this woman who

1:30:31

was with this woman who was a redhead

1:30:34

And I walked up my what did I say I said, oh

1:30:37

I go Oh, hey another redhead I go you go into

1:30:39

the meeting and then a friend laughed and

1:30:41

then the redhead thought I was into her and I had

1:30:43

to do Like you know that swim move that rushers

1:30:45

do when they could trying to get to the quarterback. I had to fucking

1:30:49

Push her out of the way and talk to the brunette

1:30:51

and then she was like fucking annoyed

1:30:53

that I was hitting on her and And then her friend,

1:30:56

I think, caved

1:30:57

to the pressure of her country friend. Or maybe she

1:30:59

just looked at me like, I don't want to fucking talk

1:31:01

to you. I made her laugh

1:31:04

though. I got one laugh. I think I got one laugh.

1:31:08

In all my years in those meat market bars. And

1:31:10

they're fucking horrible. Fucking horrible. You know

1:31:13

what, dude? I don't know. You're asking another person that stunk

1:31:15

at it. I can't help you. So

1:31:17

how about, how

1:31:20

about, listeners,

1:31:22

give me your best and your worst fucking opening lines,

1:31:25

your best and your worst results, and I'll read those

1:31:28

next week or whatever. And with any luck,

1:31:30

that guy who hates me, someone will be playing it

1:31:32

in the fucking background. Neighborhood

1:31:34

bully. Hey, Billy, bag

1:31:36

of donuts. Hey, Bill,

1:31:38

I am 15 years old and I want to

1:31:41

know how to deal with the kid who was bullying my six-year-old

1:31:43

brother.

1:31:46

Well, you go fuck him up, step

1:31:48

on his head. We We live in a cul-de-sac

1:31:51

and all the neighborhood kids know each other.

1:31:53

They often play at the end of the cul-de-sac in somebody's

1:31:56

backyard. I just recently learned that my friend's

1:31:58

brother sometimes brings over a friend

1:32:00

who's seven years old and this kid goes over

1:32:02

to the backyard at the end of the cul-de-sac

1:32:04

without the person who brought him and

1:32:06

starts playing with the kids who belong

1:32:08

to the neighborhood. Jesus

1:32:10

Christ, isn't that just called kids playing with each other? Now

1:32:14

it's all supervised. The problem is that the kid is an asshole

1:32:17

and calls my brother's names, calls my brother names

1:32:19

for no reason. I know my younger brother

1:32:21

isn't lying based on his body language. Now I

1:32:23

need your advice on

1:32:25

what I should do.

1:32:27

I told my brother to come get me so I

1:32:29

could come over and talk to him. I was going

1:32:32

to be as intimidating as possible without

1:32:34

yelling or being threatening by completely

1:32:36

keeping my calm

1:32:40

and emotionless as he tried to...

1:32:42

Wait a minute, what the fuck just happened to this sentence? I

1:32:44

was going to be as intimidating as possible

1:32:46

without yelling or being threatening by

1:32:49

keeping completely calm and emotionless

1:32:51

as he tried to bust my balls.

1:32:56

What the fuck happens with that sentence? That was in the

1:32:58

past and in the present. You tried to do that

1:33:00

and then he bust your balls?

1:33:02

I don't know what's going on here. I don't necessarily know if

1:33:04

this is a good idea. I was looking for advice.

1:33:06

Should I tell my friend's mom so

1:33:08

this little shit can never come back?

1:33:10

Thanks and go fuck yourself. P.S., if you are

1:33:12

reading this

1:33:13

on Friday, April 3rd, it's my birthday.

1:33:18

I'm not reading it Friday, April 3rd, but happy belated birthday.

1:33:21

All right.

1:33:23

fucking email was in like 12 different

1:33:25

time zones. So

1:33:27

what did you do? I don't

1:33:30

know. Just walk up to him. You're 15. He's seven.

1:33:33

Hey, you know,

1:33:36

what's great about that age, if you catch

1:33:38

him off guard with a hey, they might piss

1:33:40

themselves a little bit. You

1:33:43

just walk up right behind him. You just go, hey,

1:33:45

like that. Like fucking peas himself. He's like,

1:33:47

Hey, can I talk to you? Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

1:33:51

Okay, That's my little brother over there. He's telling

1:33:53

me you keep calling them bad names. What's

1:33:56

what's going on with that? I

1:33:58

mean, just let him sit in the oct- silence. And

1:34:03

then when he tells you why he's doing it just say look, if

1:34:06

you keep doing that to my brother, I don't

1:34:08

know. I'm just, I don't know what

1:34:10

I'm gonna do but I just keep picturing my

1:34:12

entire hand covering your face and

1:34:14

then me throwing your whole body like a baseball

1:34:17

over that fucking fence. You

1:34:19

don't want me to do that because you weigh

1:34:21

enough where you might land on top of the fence

1:34:23

and that could uh,

1:34:26

that could poke into your innards there.

1:34:29

Do you want me to do that? because I don't want to do that. All

1:34:31

right, well then stop fucking with my brother, you

1:34:34

little shit. That's what you do. I

1:34:36

don't know. Don't do that. You

1:34:39

have to be an adult. You

1:34:42

have to go over to that fucking kid's awful

1:34:44

mom and say,

1:34:46

hey, can you fucking, you know, you're

1:34:48

awful fucking kid. I

1:34:51

know you're a single parent. That's why your kid stinks.

1:34:54

All right, legalism, everybody, but you are, are. All

1:34:57

right, that is it for that. Mercifully though

1:34:59

reading out loud portion is

1:35:02

fucking over. All right, don't save

1:35:04

let's click over here Let's let's read the last

1:35:07

the last couple here All

1:35:11

the last one 20 year old blonde

1:35:14

female request

1:35:17

Alright, that's already annoying because you feel

1:35:19

like what why why do I need to know you're a blonde

1:35:21

female and how old you are?

1:35:24

Huh, you're trying to get preferential treatment here

1:35:26

lady. No, okay, bill My boyfriend and

1:35:28

I absolutely love your podcast. You're

1:35:31

our favorite comedian

1:35:31

yada yada yada. Could you

1:35:34

ask? I'm not gonna

1:35:36

say the name in your next podcast to marry

1:35:38

me and I'm not saying your name go fuck yourself Love

1:35:41

this person PS. When are you coming to Portland,

1:35:44

Oregon? I'm gonna be coming to Portland in June

1:35:47

I'm putting together another little bus run That

1:35:51

will include it's gonna be Portland,

1:35:53

Oregon Uh, Eugene...

1:35:56

no, Eureka, sorry. Sorry, sorry to

1:35:59

the people in Oregon. just fucked up Portland

1:36:01

Oregon Eureka, California

1:36:07

Where else Fresno

1:36:10

Why don't I just fucking look it up here? It's

1:36:14

all gonna tie into that Vegas tour

1:36:17

then I think I we end up somewhere in Tucson

1:36:20

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be me and Joe Bartnick

1:36:22

And I think I'm gonna get lawhead on a couple of those

1:36:24

fuckers too. It's gonna be a great time So anyways

1:36:27

as far as me will I ask? Ask

1:36:29

your boyfriend to marry you? No. Why

1:36:32

would I ever do that to another man? First of all, you're

1:36:34

only 20 years old. You're too young to get married. All

1:36:37

right? And as a guy, like the amount of

1:36:39

guy code I would be breaking to put this guy

1:36:41

in that fucking position, there's no

1:36:43

fucking way I would ever do that. You

1:36:46

know what I mean? And since I've been married, I've never been that person

1:36:49

that said to a couple that isn't married. You

1:36:51

know what I mean? How

1:36:52

long you guys been married? Ah, when I got married.

1:36:56

We have kids. Why do you have kids? Shut

1:36:58

the fuck up. That's when we're having

1:37:01

kids. All

1:37:03

right, that is the podcast for this week, everybody.

1:37:07

Congratulations to the Wisconsin Badgers

1:37:09

and the Duke Blue Devils. I'm hoping for a great

1:37:12

game tonight. And my condolences

1:37:15

to the fans of Kentucky

1:37:17

and Michigan State. I

1:37:20

watch both of those games. You know me, I'm

1:37:23

a fucking, I love College Hoop but

1:37:25

I'm a fair weather fan, man. I watch a lot of hockey.

1:37:27

And then this time of year, I always jump in and I

1:37:29

jump in.

1:37:30

Um, I just

1:37:33

watched the final four games and I didn't watch the

1:37:35

final. That's all I do. So I don't, I don't know what to tell you.

1:37:37

All right. I'm a bandwagon guy.

1:37:40

I am, um, showing up with a brand new

1:37:42

final four fucking hat tonight.

1:37:44

I'm kidding. I'm going to watch it over a buddy. My house is

1:37:46

actually a, uh, a Duke blue devil fan.

1:37:48

So I don't know who I want to win this one.

1:37:51

I like coach K winning another

1:37:53

one just so he can become more of a legend. But

1:37:57

let me look this up. last time Wisconsin won a

1:37:59

championship.

1:38:02

Wisconsin. How do

1:38:04

you spell it? Wisconsin. How

1:38:06

do you smell it? Wisconsin. Stop

1:38:09

eating fucking cheese. Uh, bass

1:38:13

last basketball. Why don't I put the fucking

1:38:15

microphone down so I can type faster. Last

1:38:18

basketball.

1:38:21

You

1:38:21

guys can get on with your day at this point. This is just for me.

1:38:23

Championship. There's

1:38:26

some fat guy driving

1:38:28

a Chevy love somewhere in fucking Rhinelander

1:38:31

right now with a big red jacket on screaming.

1:38:35

College basketball, Badgersman's basketball.

1:38:37

All right, here we go. Here it is. Here we go. Wikipedia.

1:38:39

We're

1:38:40

gonna go on Wikipedia. I'm gonna guess that they

1:38:43

won it in the 1950s.

1:38:47

Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. All right. What

1:38:49

do we got here? NCAA

1:38:52

tournament champions. They won in 1941.

1:38:56

They made it to the final four in 1941, 2000, 2014, and 2015.

1:38:59

They're crushing it this century. The Elite Eight, 41, 47, 2000, 2005. Yeah,

1:39:10

Jesus Christ. Jesus

1:39:13

Christ. They haven't won it

1:39:15

since Hitler was still alive the last time

1:39:17

these guys won. I got a route for them. I got

1:39:19

a route for the underdogs. All

1:39:21

right. So I'm going to root for

1:39:23

the Badgers tonight. Although I like both teams. I don't

1:39:25

give a fuck. I have weird allegiance. You

1:39:28

know, I'm one of those people. I like Ohio state and

1:39:30

Michigan all at the same time. Cause you know, I don't want from

1:39:32

either state. I don't give a fuck. I just want to see a good

1:39:34

game. And I'm really happy that, um,

1:39:38

that that fucking, uh, guy with

1:39:40

Bill Clinton hips is now coaching fucking,

1:39:42

um,

1:39:43

Michigan. What the fuck's his name?

1:39:46

Captain come back there.

1:39:48

John Wesley Harding, I can't remember anybody's name. His

1:39:51

brother coaches the Ravens and

1:39:53

thinks there's not enough air in the balls and that's why he

1:39:55

fucking loses. Jim

1:39:58

Fassle. Jerry

1:40:01

Tarkanian, I have no idea. Alright, that's the podcast

1:40:03

for this week. Thank you everybody for listening. This

1:40:07

week, old Freckles is

1:40:09

coming to Florida. Florida is not part

1:40:11

of the South. Don't ever forget that. Florida

1:40:13

is Florida, Texas is Texas, the South

1:40:15

is the South. I am going to be,

1:40:17

I'm

1:40:18

going to be April

1:40:21

10th. I'm doing two shows at the Fillmore

1:40:24

in Miami Beach, I'm

1:40:26

doing two shows April 11th at

1:40:29

Ruth Eckert Hall in Tampa

1:40:33

And there you go, and then I come back for a couple days, and

1:40:35

then the the Bible Belt tour starts

1:40:38

kicking it off I can't fucking wait.

1:40:40

Oh, this is gonna be a fun month April

1:40:43

18th Savannah, Georgia, right?

1:40:45

Savannah,

1:40:47

Georgia 19th we go up to Johnny

1:40:49

Knoxville, Tennessee April 20th,

1:40:52

Chattanooga, Tennessee. April 21st,

1:40:54

Memphis, Tennessee. Right? April

1:40:57

22nd, Shreveport, Louisiana. April 23rd,

1:41:00

New Orleans. We hang there for a couple of days.

1:41:02

Get shitty, get sideways. We get back

1:41:04

on the bus. April 26th, Huntsville,

1:41:06

Alabama.

1:41:08

Fuck are you looking at? Then we drive back

1:41:11

April 27th to Jackson, Mississippi.

1:41:13

April 28th, we go to Mobile, Alabama.

1:41:16

Get the fuck outta here. I didn't know I was going there.

1:41:20

Holy shit! Hahahah,

1:41:22

holy shit! Um... What

1:41:25

the fuck song is that? I don't even know what the hell that is. Um... Who's

1:41:30

that fucking guy? If you wanna- You know something?

1:41:32

I actually feel bad for that guy that doesn't like that I laugh at

1:41:34

my jokes. Because there's that rapper

1:41:37

who laughs at his shit and he drives me up the fucking

1:41:39

wall too. Who's

1:41:41

that guy where he's like,

1:41:43

And I agree! That

1:41:46

fucking idiot! He does that

1:41:48

shit but I'm still looking at her titties!

1:41:52

Just like, okay dude, look at

1:41:54

her titties. Like, I don't know what you're snickering

1:41:57

about. Alabama man they

1:41:59

built all those f- ships in World War II.

1:42:02

I learned that watching that Ken Burns documentary.

1:42:06

Wow. Mobile, Alabama. That's fucking

1:42:08

legendary. Then we're driving

1:42:10

up to Lexington, Kentucky.

1:42:13

Oh my god, this is gonna be the sickest fucking

1:42:15

tour ever. And then we go to Evansville, Indiana.

1:42:18

And then May 2nd we go to the Kentucky Derby. All

1:42:20

right, go fuck yourselves. Come on. It's

1:42:22

tremendous. So

1:42:25

anyways, that is the the podcast. And

1:42:27

You know what? I'll do a little uh, I'll

1:42:29

do a little preview here.

1:42:31

A little preview of my other tour in June. You guys don't have to

1:42:33

listen to it. The podcast, it's over man. You just listen

1:42:35

to me fucking

1:42:37

talking to myself in my apartment at this point.

1:42:39

Um... Alright.

1:42:41

None of these are confirmed. Except

1:42:44

for the Vegas date. Alright. But rumor has

1:42:46

it. Alright. I

1:42:49

heard a rumor that

1:42:52

Bill first gonna be in Portland, Oregon. I'm

1:42:55

gonna be in Eureka, California.

1:42:58

I got a Reno date possibly. Santa

1:43:00

Rosa, San Jose, Fresno, Bikerfield,

1:43:03

Highland. And then

1:43:06

I'm definitely doing two nights

1:43:07

in Vegas at the

1:43:09

Mirage Casino and then Tucson,

1:43:11

Arizona. This is the

1:43:14

idea

1:43:16

that we're trying to put this fucking thing together.

1:43:18

And I go in there with Joe Bartnick and then

1:43:21

he's gonna have jump off the bus, go

1:43:23

do a couple dates with Urzi, and then

1:43:25

get a log head on a couple of those. That's that is

1:43:28

the that is the gameplay as this comes

1:43:30

together. So anyways, I'm

1:43:32

a bad one here.