0:01

The shocking truth is that 1 in 10

0:04

suicides by firearm happen within

0:06

one week of a gun purchase. Lifeside

0:08

Ohio is by your side. Lifeside

0:11

Ohio is an innovative program for

0:13

education and awareness in firearm

0:16

safety, suicide prevention, and more.

0:18

Visit LifesideOhio.org for

0:20

details. Please call 988-IF-YOU-ARE-SUICIDAL-OR-IN-CRISIS.

0:26

Sponsored by the Ohio Suicide Prevention

0:29

Foundation. Hey, what's

0:31

going on? It's Bill

0:31

Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just

0:34

before Friday, Monday morning podcast and

0:36

I am just checking in on you to see

0:39

how your week's going and as you can tell, this

0:42

is a videoed one which means I

0:44

have a guest, a special guest, which

0:47

I only have. This guy is a multi, multi-talented.

0:51

He's like

0:53

an old school triple threat. He can sing,

0:56

he can dance, he can act, he

0:58

can do, yeah, they call him Slash, but

1:00

not the ones from Guns N' Roses.

1:02

This is the one from New Kids. All the Steelers.

1:05

All the Steelers, New Kids on the Block,

1:07

Boston Zone, Joey

1:10

McIntyre, everybody.

1:11

Here to promote a

1:14

tour that you're going on. Yes.

1:17

Let's do that first and then we'll

1:19

tell this sad story of how we both ended

1:22

up in each other's lives.

1:24

Joe McIntyre, ladies

1:27

and gentlemen, is going on tour. He's going to be starting

1:29

July 7th through August

1:32

4th. Dude, you musicians, when you guys

1:34

tour, you guys fucking go out there. We grind.

1:37

Okay. Now, this is from July 7th to the 4th. I'm

1:39

not going to say all the dates, but San Antonio, Texas,

1:41

Dallas, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri,

1:44

Minneapolis, Milwaukee,

1:46

one of my favorite cities, Wyandotte. Wyandotte.

1:51

Wyandotte, which is just outside of Detroit.

1:54

Like on paper, it doesn't look very sexy,

1:56

but it's actually,

1:57

you know. Wyandotte,

1:59

Michigan.

2:01

As we all know. That's like

2:03

a Jeopardy question. What state

2:05

is Wyandoden? Toronto, I'm

2:07

gonna take all your money, but it's gonna be a great time, this fucking Canadian

2:10

bastards. Verona, Cincinnati,

2:12

Evanston, Illinois, Atlanta, Nashville,

2:15

Charlotte, Alexandra,

2:17

Virginia, Philadelphia, and High

2:19

Annis. That's right, baby. The Cape

2:21

Cod Melody Tent. That's right. All

2:23

right, Lil Teaser. I might be in town. Say

2:27

no more, Bill. The red carpet. I'll

2:29

send the chopper for you. The

2:32

red referral freckles. Send it over to Kenton

2:34

so you can beat all the traffic down

2:36

to... I

2:37

know. Take the bornage, you take the fucking

2:40

sagging off. So me and Joe

2:42

got to know each other. We did a movie called The Heat. Yes.

2:45

Way back in the day. We did. That's

2:47

already back in the day. It was Melissa McCarthy and Sandra

2:50

Bullock. Yes. And some

2:53

legends. I mean, I always talk

2:55

about...

2:56

It

2:59

might be a bit of a stretch to call that a modern

3:01

day classic. I get a lot

3:03

of love from that. There's not a lot of classics

3:06

anymore. Is classics even

3:08

a thing in my eyes anymore? I think

3:10

somehow

3:12

people got a little nervous, corporate lawyers

3:15

during this whole time of everybody getting

3:17

offended, which became really a way

3:19

to get attention to literally watch

3:21

a movie or a TV show and say that you

3:24

were offended. It's

3:26

funny how many people can get offended by that. But

3:29

where is like

3:30

they're not offended on how bad they fuck over

3:32

performers and what all

3:34

these corporations... So you see all these people walking out

3:36

on strike out here. They don't give a fuck about that. No.

3:39

They don't give a fuck about assholes keeping all the money so they can buy

3:41

another yacht. That's totally fine.

3:44

But if you go out and you say some fucking joke or whatever. But I

3:46

think all of that's kind of gone

3:48

away.

3:49

Like I feel like... Cooling off. There's

3:51

a cooling off period. I feel like it was a

3:54

fad. Not

3:56

being offended. I feel like people actually

3:59

taking the time to...

3:59

to pretend that they give a

4:02

fuck is going

4:04

away. They're using their energy

4:07

somewhere else, but for a while they really put a

4:09

lot of energy into.

4:10

Yeah, like remember when they were making all those vampire

4:13

and werewolf movies? They just kept making one

4:15

after another and they were all making money, and then

4:17

at some point, everybody was just like, you know, I'm

4:19

kind of sick of these vampires

4:21

and werewolves, so I think everybody's a little sick

4:23

of somebody,

4:25

with their emotional

4:27

support turtle that they have to bring on the fucking

4:29

plane. I don't think anybody

4:32

ever did care, but it was kind of like

4:34

this weird period of like, should I care, should

4:37

I care, should I care. No, I just think everyone

4:39

was trying not to get in trouble. Yeah.

4:41

Because you started seeing people in the mail room.

4:43

It's tricky out there. Taking out the big guy

4:46

up top. It's tricky, it's tricky.

4:49

And you're going out there on tour. I'm going out

4:51

there on tour by myself. But these

4:53

are all cool cities, though. No,

4:56

it's good, but to just, are

4:58

you saying there's going to be more comedy

5:01

classics coming around the bend now, because we're

5:03

less afraid to offend people?

5:06

Especially one called Old Dad's, which is coming out

5:09

soon. Yeah, baby. What'd

5:11

you think, you were

5:11

just going to come in here and promote your project? We're waiting, we're

5:14

waiting. We're waiting, I was curious about

5:16

that. Well, I saw you

5:19

the other night, which was probably two months

5:21

ago at my age, but I saw

5:23

you down at the bourbon room. And

5:26

you let me do the intro. You did

5:28

let you do the intro. You're a sweetheart. We

5:31

know that, Bill. No matter how much you rant

5:33

and rave, we all know you're a sweetheart, and

5:36

you're never going to be able to hide it. You're

5:38

not going to be able to hide it. So for

5:40

you to say, let me, you were kind enough

5:42

to come down. And of course I wanted to

5:44

tweet it, but you're so cool. I just wanted

5:46

to, can some things just be private? You know

5:48

what I mean? Do we have to post everything? I like that. Bill

5:51

Berg, I got you back. I

5:53

got great footage of you introing

5:55

me. Selfie, for

5:58

the listening audience right now.

6:00

Bill came down to my St. Patty's Day

6:03

show and intro'd me and

6:05

it was freaking hilarious. Anyways,

6:09

of course, you know, it had a Boston slant

6:11

to it, but you were about to wrap up. But

6:13

my buddy on stage... That's right.

6:15

I was talking about your Puerto Rican mother. My

6:18

Puerto Rican mother. My band,

6:21

my one-man band was out there and

6:24

he had to stall. He goes, something's

6:26

wrong, something's wrong. We're not plugged in or something

6:28

like that. Oh, that's right. So I had to tell you to

6:30

keep

6:30

going, keep going. And it was quite

6:33

epic. So was

6:35

that show that I saw at the bourbon room... Obviously

6:38

this tour was in place. These things take a while to

6:40

come together. So was that... No,

6:43

oh, okay.

6:44

Well, the inside baseball

6:47

answer, I guess, is that it was a little rushed.

6:50

Most of the time, these kinds of dates you have to set

6:52

up. But it was a little hectic because...

6:55

It was sort of last

6:57

minute but not. You got to find the right places, you know what

6:59

I mean? I didn't want to... You know,

7:01

they're like the bourbon room, which is like

7:04

between 200 and 500. I

7:06

mean, the Melody Tent is 2,200. That's a bigger show. That's

7:10

a huge place. Yeah, trying to find the right

7:12

rooms. And so...

7:15

But I think what you're asking is, it's

7:17

that show... I was sort of workshopping

7:20

a little bit, as like a comic

7:22

would do. I mean, I did like

7:24

a handful of shows at the bourbon

7:26

room to work out what

7:29

set list this would be for

7:31

me to take on the road. But

7:34

how does that work? Because that fascinates me. I'm

7:37

not much of a singer. I don't know if you ever noticed that. But

7:40

I know kind of how I put together a stand-up

7:43

set. So when you're going out, I

7:46

would think that your fans are going to expect

7:49

some of this stuff with your other band there. And

7:51

then you're also doing like standard

7:53

stuff that you wrote. Standards, and then I

7:55

have my stuff. And you know, yeah,

7:57

so it's a combination.

7:59

I a little bit

8:02

of this as far as my year. I started my year Playing

8:05

an amazing show at Carnegie Hall in January.

8:07

So I just I just turned 50 the big five.

8:10

Oh, and so I said Wow,

8:13

look at you it's the

8:15

full head of hair You don't have

8:17

any booze what take the compliment

8:20

take the cop you have no booze weight You

8:22

still have a nice fucking chiseled jaw. Well,

8:25

I'm trying to stay on the liquid death

8:27

like you bill I know you I know you're

8:30

one of those guys like yeah, you don't drink anymore

8:32

Yeah, I just say I get I get shit

8:34

to do you know what I mean? Oh, I yeah,

8:36

I had kids I had to I had to stop because

8:38

oh dude, I was getting fucked I was

8:41

I was drinking like an old-school dad. I had

8:43

a big bottle of brown stuff Oh,

8:45

yeah, and I was watching me TV Yeah,

8:47

heroes and icons and I just kept

8:49

hitting pause going what kind of carded

8:52

Efron Zimbalist junior driving this and Jack

8:54

Lord What kind of car was that I was in my fucking

8:56

glory and I was staying up to like 2 in the morning Yeah,

8:59

getting fucking yeah hammered. Yeah,

9:01

I'm not gonna lie to you being an irresponsible dad Wait

9:03

in that

9:04

manner was fun. Yeah for about

9:06

three weeks and it took me about eight months to stop

9:10

Identify greatly and

9:12

I think once you make the switch it's you can't

9:15

I mean it's it the good news and the bad news Is

9:17

that like oh, I can't drink anymore But

9:19

then you're like wow, I can't drink anymore because

9:21

you can't recover the way you yeah I'm

9:24

not like a full-on Alki, but I'm definitely

9:26

I'm on the fucking spectrum towards full-on

9:28

Alki Yeah, I just know how hard

9:31

it was to quit

9:32

So it's not like I like I feel like the full-on

9:35

Alki's You know the guy with the yellow fingers smoking the cigarettes

9:37

and eating the donuts and the meetings those guys Yeah,

9:39

like they literally wake

9:42

up like with life or death Yeah, aches and

9:44

and they're gonna keep

9:45

you know, they're gonna keep going I I all I have

9:47

to do is just get it out of the house and then

9:49

it's like three four days of like And

9:52

then I'm just and then I just don't think about it anymore.

9:54

I know I know I they get it I definitely

9:56

have a problem. They get shit. I'm

9:59

with you, bro. I've

9:59

Simpatico, we're in

10:02

the same car right now. But

10:05

I hate the idea of getting it out of the house.

10:08

You know, cause I got a nice, you

10:10

came over the house recently,

10:15

but I have this little closet,

10:17

it's like it's got a sink in it, and how

10:19

can you not have whatever you need

10:21

to make whatever you need, even for the gas. But

10:24

I'm actually getting there, I'm actually getting

10:26

there. Part of me is like, you don't

10:28

wanna be bummed out,

10:29

how do you balance the fact that like, you

10:32

look like you could have like

10:34

a glass of wine with dinner and then be

10:36

like, that's enough.

10:37

Well I am a lightweight, but I mean, the

10:39

regal, no I'm talking about your capacity.

10:42

I would never insult you like that. Last

10:45

name, McIntyre, I assume

10:47

you can run the race. No, I

10:49

really can't, no I'm an absolute lightweight,

10:52

but still it doesn't matter, to each his own.

10:54

So, you

10:56

know, what was, back in the day, you're

10:59

in your prime, what was your drink?

11:02

Well,

11:04

ironically, I mean, it was very,

11:07

it was only a few months ago, you know what

11:09

I mean? But I mean, no

11:12

I can't do it the same way. I mean in Manhattan

11:14

I make myself my own Manhattan, you know

11:16

what I mean, it's like bada-boom bada-bing, and it's,

11:19

I go in the closet with the sink and I make the

11:21

drink and I sit back down and

11:24

life is beautiful for about 15 minutes. Don't

11:27

you find though,

11:28

like even just the whole process

11:31

of making the drink, in a lot

11:33

of ways, becomes as fun

11:36

as drinking the drink, just having all the stuff,

11:38

doing the little, ch-ch-ch-ch, you know,

11:41

hearing that, knowing exactly how you like it,

11:43

thinking about it on the way home, walking

11:46

past family members that you're supposed to

11:48

be talking to, making a beeline. They

11:50

call it the obsession, right? The obsession

11:53

is the problem, it's not so much the drinking. So

11:55

yeah, the thinking about it is like, could

11:58

take up a lot of space and energy.

11:59

You know that's my part

12:02

of my thing about Whatever the

12:04

fuck is wrong with me is I love

12:06

the process You

12:09

know what I mean? I love the process of picking

12:11

out a cigar sixes from the

12:13

right Tesla process I

12:19

like the whole The cutter

12:21

the lighter way like I one time

12:23

went down a rabbit hole watch I can't find

12:25

the YouTube video this old guy

12:28

did a whole video on the proper

12:30

way to light a

12:32

Real Cuban cigar and it was

12:34

literally like he had a match and then he lit like

12:36

a piece of cedar Because you didn't want

12:38

to draw the flame in certainly from

12:40

a lighter Oh cuz it or from even

12:43

from a match because the chemicals that are on that affect

12:45

the pristine taste of the tobacco And

12:48

I just sat there Riveted

12:50

and I watched this guy I

12:52

Mean dude He was he was just sitting there going around the

12:54

edges of it and getting it going before he even

12:56

clipped it And he was doing that I

12:59

felt like 20 minutes and then when he clipped

13:01

it that he had the cherry and everything was just

13:03

right there and I was just like I

13:05

Mean, I almost think that if you if you're like that

13:08

serious about your vice you don't

13:10

get cancer Like cancer respects

13:12

you like okay this guy's

13:14

so and you're you're that's

13:17

a you're a cigar guy now It's just like I

13:19

am I have cut way back. Okay, and

13:22

recently a buddy of mine started smoking

13:24

a pipe Uh-huh, and that somebody when I was

13:26

in Milwaukee Milwaukee gave me a pipe

13:28

bill if you start If

13:30

you start smoking a pipe, man, I

13:33

don't know man I don't know is that the end

13:36

we're not done I just don't know of the

13:38

world and your world and all

13:40

your loving public. I would

13:42

handle that They couldn't if you

13:44

come

13:44

on with a fight everybody laughs But

13:48

then they smell the pipes more to go. I love that. It's

13:50

gorgeous. So are some cigars. I

13:52

love the small cigars I love that, but I can't

13:55

smoke. I smoke one. I'm done.

13:57

I'm yeah, I've I've I

13:59

got them out of the house

13:59

house and then what I did everything out

14:02

of the house. Get out of the house. Yeah

14:04

cuz I'm too old to get in the car

14:06

yeah to go to a bar. Absolutely.

14:09

You know for sure yeah so

14:11

sort of the last frontier is because

14:14

we got the kids are six and three so

14:16

we have this cabinet that has all the snacks in

14:18

it you know what I mean and I'm just like I

14:20

had to like I had to finally give it to the fact that

14:23

there's gonna be snacks okay like childhood

14:25

for the kids too without you know free those Doritos

14:27

whatever the fuck they want yeah cookies so I

14:29

just what I got now is I got like

14:33

what I got this is this is this is what

14:35

it's like it no I have fucking raw

14:38

cashews that's as good as again

14:40

I go down and I take a handful before

14:42

I get into the other

14:44

bullshit right that gets it

14:46

going that gets the appetite going no

14:49

that kills it that kills it so late at night

14:51

it makes a rock a handful of

14:53

rock cashews

14:55

just the sadness of that Wow in pajamas

14:58

just to keep you I'm in pajamas

15:00

who's standing in the little pantry

15:03

keep your eating raw so I'm gonna

15:05

give you your edge rock cashews

15:08

I've had I've had an ick that whole fucking

15:10

bullshit East Coast oh you got to stay back there keep

15:12

your edge they really say

15:15

stay angry like

15:17

me and lash out at people around you it's like

15:19

I don't want to I don't

15:21

want to do that anymore but I will say I still

15:23

do have booze in the house and and

15:26

I have high-end booze for when people come over

15:28

okay and I sort of live

15:30

vicariously through them like

15:32

a long time ago I bought a bottle of pappy

15:35

Van Winkle's which we just finished

15:37

it and I actually would

15:39

get joy out

15:40

of them or why we're pointing a glass for

15:43

someone who's never had never had it wow here's another

15:45

thing too I only busted out for certain

15:47

people what yeah you know yeah

15:50

the wife is like is he is he earned yeah somebody

15:53

should I pull it out is in I don't know

15:55

let's see I think he's gonna get a little pappy

15:57

but no there's some people

15:59

in there

15:59

They're makers. Some are makers

16:02

people. Okay, all right. Not

16:04

everybody gets. Now is that, is it like

16:06

a spicy thing? Is it a knock your socks

16:08

off? Is it burn your soul?

16:12

I'm gonna get another bottle. Okay. And

16:15

you're gonna come over. Okay,

16:16

all right. Yeah. And I'm gonna pour

16:18

you

16:19

two fingers. Two fingers, neat, neat. Of

16:21

course. Oh no, you would never, you would never.

16:24

No. Do anything with this, right? Okay.

16:26

You're gonna sip it, dude. It's gonna change your life. I'm

16:28

gonna sneak into your kitchen and get a couple. You're

16:31

gonna buy a bottle. Yeah? After

16:33

this tour. Really? Okay. All

16:35

the money you make on this, you're gonna go out and get that. There's another thing

16:37

called Kentucky Owl, which was the last

16:39

thing I have a boost with,

16:43

was just, you know, it

16:45

almost makes you not feel like an alcoholic.

16:47

It's so good. It's so good. Like the wine thing.

16:50

Yeah. We know there's a whole, all of this, and swishing

16:52

it around and stuff that, you

16:54

know, and you're developing your palette for wine.

16:56

And you don't really think you're a fucking wino. Right,

16:59

right. There's that,

17:00

yeah, there's that angle of the

17:03

disease that you can think you're doing it,

17:05

you know? You know that white guy, the big

17:07

puffy white guy, and he's got like the

17:09

loafers with no socks and you see the fat

17:11

starting to come out of the loafers. They live in that gout

17:14

life. Yeah, the color

17:16

of that curtain behind him. Exactly,

17:18

that's what his nose is. And he's just sitting

17:20

there and he goes all about wine and everything and you're just

17:22

listening to the guy. His heart's gonna give out at

17:24

any second. Yeah, you're like, dude, I

17:27

don't wanna ruin this field trip, but you are a raging

17:29

alcoholic. I

17:30

mean. But

17:33

they're happy. What about the happy

17:35

ones? God bless him, you know? I'm not gonna lie

17:37

to you, dude.

17:38

If I never had kids or anything,

17:41

I would've been one of those guys that just dropped at 59. Yeah.

17:44

And I would've been like, they would've been like, you know, and this would've

17:46

been my eulogy. You know, he smoked

17:49

every cigar, drank every

17:51

drink, you know, he lived life this

17:53

guy. Happy, happy everybody. Oh

17:57

man.

17:58

All right, we got some real. for

18:00

the week. Look who it is. Freeze

18:03

pipe. Beep, beep. I

18:05

can't make that noise. Boop, beep, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

18:09

That's what I'm trying to do. J Kyle's band.

18:11

Freeze frame. We get it, Bill. All right, freeze

18:13

pipe. You know, it's time to enjoy bigger

18:16

clouds without the throat burn or coughing

18:18

attacks.

18:19

For the coldest and smoothest cannabis

18:21

smoking experience you need a

18:24

freeze pipe, man.

18:26

Bubbler or bong from freeze

18:28

pipe. Why did it take so

18:30

long for somebody to invent this? This is fantastic.

18:33

Included on

18:35

every piece is a freezable

18:37

glycerin chamber that cools

18:39

smoke by over 300 degrees. Pop one

18:41

of these chambers in the freezer for

18:43

one hour and as smoke passes

18:45

through it, it's instantly chilled

18:48

for an icy experience that outperforms

18:50

traditional pipes and bongs. Not

18:53

gonna lie, that sounds pretty amazing. Start

18:55

smoking like royalty. Oh,

18:59

what, does the fucking royal family had one of these for centuries,

19:01

the cunts? Start smoking like

19:03

royalty without paying a king's

19:06

ransom.

19:06

I get what they did there. By visiting

19:08

thefreezepipe.com and

19:10

use code BRR, B-U-R-R for 10%

19:13

off your entire order.

19:15

Once again, that's freezepipe.com,

19:17

F-R-E-E-Z, oh,

19:20

sorry, thefreezepipe, thefreezepipe.com,

19:25

T-H-E-F-R-E-E-Z-E,

19:27

pipe.com and code

19:30

BRR for 10% off. Shop

19:32

today and say goodbye to harsh

19:34

smoke forever. All

19:36

right, who's now, oh, Liquid Death, everybody.

19:40

I'm not just a drinker, I invested in the

19:42

company. Liquid Death, you know,

19:44

you've seen Liquid Death at festivals,

19:47

concert,

19:47

bars, even on Zoom calls.

19:49

I've seen them at my grocery store. Death to

19:51

plastic, murder your thirst. They're

19:54

cold tall boys of mountain spring water

19:56

will brutally murder your thirst. Their

19:58

aluminum cans are infant. I don't even need to fucking

20:00

read this shit. I drink it all the time. I

20:03

just look at it this way. Would you rather drink a cold

20:05

beer out of a can or a plastic

20:08

bottle? Fuck you to everybody

20:10

who said glass. I know what you're saying, all right? But I'm

20:12

just saying, if you had to choose between the two, you'd

20:15

pick the aluminum can, right? They make

20:18

mountain water, flavored sparkling water,

20:21

and they now have iced tea, three flavors.

20:23

Grimleaf, rest in peach,

20:26

and armless palmer.

20:29

Do not compare to Arnold Palmer.

20:32

All right. Those cans of iced

20:34

tea are healthy, not loaded with

20:37

sugar. Iced teas have a microdose

20:39

of 30 milligrams of caffeine per

20:42

tall boy. They're also enhanced with

20:44

B vitamins. You can get Liquid's

20:46

Depths healthy beverages on Amazon

20:49

or at a retailer near you. And

20:53

Burr Tuesday listeners get 20%, Tuesday,

20:56

Monday or Thursday, I would think, get 20% off

20:58

their first Liquid Death apparel purchase available

21:01

exclusively

21:03

at liquiddeath.com slash Burr. Exclusions

21:06

may apply. That's liquiddeath.com slash

21:08

Burr. All right, and lastly,

21:11

but certainly not leastly, it's gametime.co.

21:16

Buying tickets to your favorite events shouldn't

21:18

be stressful. Game time is

21:21

the fast and easy way to buy tickets for

21:23

all sports, music, comedy, and theater

21:25

near you. With killer deals

21:27

on last minute tickets and their best price

21:30

guarantee, you can stop stressing

21:32

over tickets and start getting hype

21:34

for the fun you're gonna have. Forget planning

21:37

months in advance. Game time has deals on

21:39

tickets

21:39

right up to the day of the event. The game

21:41

time guarantee means you'll always get the best

21:43

price. If you find tickets

21:45

in the same section and row for less, game

21:48

time will credit you 110% of the difference.

21:52

Get images of your seats before you buy

21:55

so you know exactly what to expect when you arrive.

21:57

Tickets are sent directly to your phone so you.

21:59

never have to dig through your email. Snag

22:02

the tickets without distress with Game

22:04

Time. Download the Game Time app, create

22:06

an account, and use code BIRB. B-U-R-R

22:09

for $20 off your first purchase. Terms

22:11

apply, again, create an account and redeem

22:14

code BIRB. B-U-R-R for $20 off. Download

22:17

Game Time today,

22:18

last minute tickets, lowest

22:21

prices guaranteed, man. No,

22:23

so,

22:24

I mean, let me bring this around

22:27

back to my tour, Bill, before we get

22:29

into our isms. No, I'm kidding,

22:31

but seriously, it is very topical

22:33

for me because to do this

22:35

many dates,

22:39

listen, it's not heroic, I'm not trying

22:41

to, I'm not trying to, but I have- Dude, there's

22:43

the troops, there's the bus responders, and there's

22:46

Joey McIntyre's- Thank you, on tour. On

22:48

tour. Let's put this in perspective, people.

22:50

I keep saying it and I wanna balance it out, but

22:53

I have to live like a monk, I really

22:55

do, because if I wanna do what

22:57

I wanna do and do it the way I wanna do it,

23:00

roughly, I gotta take care

23:02

of myself, I can't drink, you

23:05

know what I mean? There's a lot of can'ts

23:08

on the tour to be able to can,

23:11

and it's interesting. I'm gonna

23:14

try it when you have your first drink, I'm gonna say,

23:17

right around Charlotte, North Carolina. I got

23:19

three dates left. Yeah, exactly,

23:21

exactly. No, the 31st,

23:23

no, because then August 1st. Yeah. Philly,

23:26

Philly's a great place to go off the wagon. I

23:28

know, but then- And you're playing a city winery?

23:30

City winery, I know, I know. The

23:34

key is to not drink after the show,

23:36

because I think it used to be like, oh, I just did the

23:38

show, I can have a drink, but

23:41

it's not just the drink,

23:43

it's the, I can't get the drink, can I get

23:45

the, instead of just going- Where are we going?

23:48

We're just going, okay, you did the show,

23:51

you did the show, that's the thing. I

23:54

mean, and what we do,

23:56

we wanna, I just said it to my buddy,

23:58

it's like, I wanna put-

23:59

whipped cream on a peanut butter and jelly

24:02

sandwich. Like, it doesn't need it. There's

24:04

nothing, I want more mayo on the sandwich. It

24:06

doesn't need any more mayo. It's like, no

24:09

Joe, the sandwich is fine. It's

24:11

like you just played Madison Square

24:13

Garden. There's a bunch of young people watching this right now

24:15

going, God, it sucks getting old. I know, I'm

24:18

sorry, I don't wanna be that way. Even

24:20

for my fans, my age, I don't wanna be

24:22

that guy. I want you to come to my show

24:24

and have two martinis and have the time of your life

24:26

and I'm still gonna have it. It's like you pouring the

24:29

great glass of scotch for them. You know

24:32

what I mean? You don't wanna be a party. I'm not trying to be a party

24:34

pooper. There's a bit of that though. They don't really wanna

24:36

hear this.

24:37

No, no, I would never say it. I will say this,

24:40

something that a lot of people

24:42

need to know about was you had a show,

24:45

I called you when the show was on and I wanted

24:47

to do an episode, but you didn't get the second

24:49

season. No, we didn't get the second season. He did a show, what

24:51

network was it on? It was on Pop TV. Okay,

24:53

it was just famous for Schitt's Creek. They

24:56

aired Schitt's Creek. Well, you did a show

24:59

called Return of the Mac. And

25:01

it was you playing yourself and what

25:03

it was like to be like

25:05

this, you was a kid, became

25:08

famous. There was

25:11

so many people, Adam Ray was hilarious. Donnie

25:13

Wahlberg was fucking hilarious. Really funny.

25:15

And- Jamie Denbow

25:17

played the- Oh my God. Yeah, she's phenomenal.

25:19

Which we met her on The Heat. She's a genius. It

25:22

was so goddamn funny. No, I lucked out. I

25:24

got to produce an EP like

25:26

eight episodes. But dude, you were hilarious. And I loved

25:28

how in

25:29

this scene, I remember asking, I was like, dude, is that

25:31

like a thing? And it was basically this

25:34

running sort of joke

25:36

that you guys never really addressed, but you either

25:38

figured it out or you didn't, was that women

25:41

of a certain age

25:43

that had a crush on you in an hour

25:45

in their fifties, come up to

25:47

you and sort of borderline assault

25:50

you, like getting free feels and everything.

25:52

And you would always play it up like, oh,

25:55

thank you. Yeah, they're like touching your chest and everything. And

25:58

I remember asking you, like, that's like- sort

26:00

of a thing. There's a demo. Uh,

26:03

depends on, uh... You just, did

26:05

you hear what I said there? He goes,

26:07

there? There's a, like, I have to walk the line

26:10

here because these are loyal fans that buy tickets.

26:12

No, no, there's a... You sort of get groped. Um,

26:15

it depends on how much, uh,

26:18

how many martinis they've had, certainly. No,

26:20

my fans are great, but yeah, that can happen. That

26:23

can happen. Depends on where they are

26:25

in the night. I don't think Bill Clinton could have answered that

26:27

question better. Thank you. You just

26:29

went right through that minefield. Let me ask you, do

26:32

you ever have nightmares about,

26:34

you know, the color women's teeth turn when

26:36

they've drank too many red wines? You know,

26:38

that gray with the red between... And then it's around

26:40

my lips, too, and then you can't really talk.

26:42

Yeah. It's like a

26:44

Landshark coming at you. I make a beeline

26:47

for the other side of the room, you know? Try

26:50

to, uh... No, I got

26:52

great fans. So, the great, great,

26:54

great majority of my fans do not

26:57

grope me, and, uh, they're very respectful of me.

26:59

I have a good time. But it happened

27:01

enough that it was a running joke. Maybe you were exaggerating,

27:03

but I thought that that was so fucking funny. Maybe. I

27:06

watched every episode of that show. Thank you.

27:08

And, uh... Thank you. It was a good time. And I've

27:11

been working with Adam Ray. I still want it, like,

27:13

I write stuff all the time, and I'm always thinking, do you

27:15

think Donnie Wahlberg would do this? Because I thought he was so

27:17

fucking funny in it. I know. He's, uh... He was

27:20

very... He and Jenny were the other producers on the

27:22

show, and

27:24

they... They were. They came up big. Yeah, they

27:26

came up big for me. And they did vignettes

27:29

every episode, and I called Donnie for advice,

27:31

you know what I mean? He'd come up with these lame

27:34

puns, you know what I mean? You know, uh... Just

27:37

did that working-class mentality. Take the gig. Don't worry about it. And

27:40

I'd be like, you want me to do this, Donnie? And

27:42

he'd, you know, make some joke. But, yeah,

27:44

he's... No, I love it. And, um... Great.

27:48

The last thing that, you know, we've been talking about all this stuff, and

27:50

we haven't gotten to the real...

27:52

The real issue that makes us avoid icon-typing. Yeah,

27:54

exactly. Did you watch

27:56

the Celtics? Yes, of course. Game seven against the Heat. Did

27:59

you have...? Yeah.

27:59

Yeah, you know an

28:02

important game. I can't remember. Yeah,

28:05

I haven't watched sports since and I

28:07

turned everything off and Yeah,

28:11

why why cuz that's just good

28:13

like I at least I know I think

28:16

Reggie Reggie Miller the he

28:18

was he was commentating I mean he was the one

28:20

guy who kept pointing out that that Tatum got injured

28:23

the first minute of the game now I

28:25

think we didn't have a coach with the experience Guts

28:28

to sit his star player.

28:29

I know and Tatum wasn't gonna take himself

28:32

out I mean Listen,

28:34

it's it's it's it's our team.

28:36

They're amazing It's hard to root for

28:38

them because they really were so up

28:41

and down and it was not cohesive

28:43

and they do this Is this is what happens

28:45

on the way to win in a championship is you got to lose some

28:47

heartbreaking game 7? Cal so well,

28:49

why do you think Miami's fucking winning? I mean that that guy

28:52

that goes those guys have experienced everything They're

28:54

a fucking amazing franchise and

28:56

I'll tell you what's wrong with the fucking NBA is

28:58

I've had like a half dozen

28:59

of my friends Going oh my god, Denver verse

29:02

Miami. Who the fuck's gonna watch that? It's like why

29:04

wouldn't you watch that? Right you have an eighth seed.

29:06

Yeah that just took took out a number

29:08

one a number two Yeah, I don't know what the Knicks

29:10

were. Yeah, and then you have Denver

29:12

who beat everybody in the fucking West swept

29:15

the goddamn Lakers they deserve to be there but yeah

29:18

The NBA has built their brand on these super teams

29:20

and sort of like these super team cities where

29:23

I wish and I hope that

29:26

they're gonna get back to this because I

29:28

feel like they you know, this is them the Highest

29:31

level of talent that's ever been in the NBA because

29:33

now that it really is global now Yeah, as

29:35

far as where they're getting them But like I wish it was more like the

29:37

NFL where it's like I don't give a fuck

29:40

who's playing in the Super Bowl

29:41

I'm excited to watch it right because they

29:44

built their brand on like anybody You

29:47

know like if the Buffalo Bills were

29:49

in the NBA They would have to leave Buffalo

29:52

like they just it just wouldn't it's like we're never

29:54

gonna win a championship And they'd have to move to a

29:56

city and be like the Clippers. Yeah and be

29:58

like, you know the ugly steps

29:59

sister. I think

30:04

it is a strange phenomenon

30:06

and I think you know the more we feed that

30:08

you know story that no one's gonna watch

30:10

it's ridiculous but I think you know

30:13

Denver seems like a powerhouse and I don't

30:15

know about it but

30:17

I don't know if you talk about the Celtics on

30:20

your way to you know this is what you got

30:22

to do on your way but I mean is it

30:24

gonna be the same team I mean are they gonna pay

30:27

Jalen Brown 40 million dollars next

30:29

year I love the guy immensely didn't

30:32

have a great playoff series so what

30:35

yeah you still paying 40 million because he's

30:37

worth it

30:38

okay you don't have an off show I do

30:40

I never tell it joke that bombs

30:43

well the thing is now like but yes

30:45

but I was thinking of that because

30:48

I'm like I think I think you're

30:50

very good at like taking people out

30:52

that need to be taken out but you don't take

30:54

certain people out who are showing up

30:57

every day and doing their job I mean yes

30:59

if someone's sat there at my show they'd

31:02

be whacking me left and right

31:04

you know I mean take it down you did this you did

31:06

that oh you missed that shot you missed that

31:08

shot yeah if I don't you break

31:10

the two of them

31:11

up

31:12

what's eight they need this I hate I need

31:14

like we can draft somebody what I guess nowadays you

31:16

just go out and go fucking by somebody but like

31:21

you know you forget how young they still

31:23

are no they take Tayden played one year

31:25

at Duke and I how old is he now 24 25 25 yeah

31:27

Jesus Christ think in

31:31

these they keep the same coach I mean I

31:33

just don't know exactly no but that

31:35

guy got thrown into it right last guy was yeah

31:37

he doing what the fuck exactly and now he's

31:39

gonna be coaching somewhere else

31:42

and we have Joe fascinates

31:44

me he's like banging people's wives like you want

31:47

to take a shot at this yeah yeah you

31:49

can't do that here but you can go

31:51

to another city and beat us you know with another

31:54

team it's no I'm just saying you know what you're

31:56

taking on when you bring the guy in I don't fucking

31:58

know all I know is

31:59

The Bruins lost to game

32:02

seven and then I was like, all right, I guess I'll watch

32:04

some basketball now. And then, It

32:06

hurts. It happened again. But

32:09

I don't, you know,

32:11

I don't hate Miami or anything like that. And I

32:13

just stay out, whenever this shit happens, it's just like, there's

32:15

a lot of, you know what, there's a lot of people in life who don't have a

32:17

purpose. So in

32:19

moments like this, when they wait for other people to

32:22

fail, this is when they try to

32:24

fill up their soul. So like, I'm just gonna

32:26

stay away from that because I don't wanna, listen,

32:28

I'm literally moving, I'm not even on the internet. And

32:30

I'm just, I'm just pushing that away because

32:32

I just don't wanna listen to the like,

32:36

it's just like the lack of, like you want your team

32:38

to win so you can call the other team's fans bitches

32:41

is like, and I have to be honest

32:43

with you is, something that as a sports fan

32:45

growing up, we didn't have to deal with cause it wasn't

32:47

the internet. No. Salesmen had

32:49

to listen to it when they were making sales calls

32:52

to the team. Like I remember I was working in this warehouse

32:55

and somebody, when we would

32:57

play in the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl 20,

33:01

somebody just

33:03

on a piece of paper,

33:05

cause we sent some software to

33:07

Chicago, just wrote Boston, just said,

33:09

let's go pats. Okay.

33:12

And then, oh, I remember what happened. The order was

33:15

fucked up. On purpose. No,

33:18

not on purpose. Cause they were so busy writing

33:20

the fucking sign. So, oh, maybe they thought it was

33:22

on purpose. They called up, lit

33:24

somebody up. And then I just remember

33:26

that we had a meeting out in the warehouse. I

33:28

don't know who the fuck did this. I'll

33:31

tell you right now, this shit in. I mean, oh

33:33

yeah,

33:35

the owner came out and

33:37

he didn't say anything. He walked and you know, you got

33:39

the loading dock. He took the door and went, and

33:42

slammed it down. This

33:45

fucking dumb ass tie and loafers

33:47

on. And then

33:49

we just did. Did he find the guy who said go pats?

33:51

So no one talked. All I remembered is there was another.

33:53

Bill didn't talk, I'll tell you that much. He kept

33:55

your mouth shut. I don't think it came from

33:57

us. It wasn't you? I don't know who the fuck it was.

33:59

But all I know is there was another guy in

34:02

the warehouse that when he slammed the door

34:04

I could not look at him or I was like I'm gonna get start laughing

34:07

And I'm not gonna be able to stop and I'm gonna get fired and

34:09

also our boss was like five foot nothing.

34:12

Yeah

34:14

So the whole thing it was just like it was like a Will

34:16

Ferrell sketch and he's fucking screaming and yelling

34:19

and And

34:21

all I was doing I was just looking at the floor and I was playing

34:24

that I was like ashamed

34:26

or whatever But I was really just trying not

34:29

to fucking laugh. So that many ways that was like the most

34:31

you had to deal with now But now it's like no,

34:34

it's it's it's a dangerous. It's

34:36

a bad bad neighborhood Twitter. Yeah, it's

34:38

not you don't want to You know, what do you think? I feel

34:40

like you don't it's like three four days

34:43

And once the next playoff series starts

34:45

then they start in on the other team's fans And sure

34:48

sure no, no, no, no the next 48 hours

34:50

is crucial to stay away You know that you

34:53

gotta you gotta put the phone down No

34:55

question about it and

34:56

and there's nothing there's nothing

34:59

we could do nothing we can do about it's done

35:01

You know what I mean? So it's good fellas. Yeah,

35:04

exactly The phone

35:06

booth you know, yeah, exactly. I'm glad

35:08

I I'm glad I know that was us Yeah,

35:13

there's nothing we can do So

35:16

listen it was a crazy game we got game

35:19

six I was happy about Butler

35:21

I'm not that kind of I'm I'm glad that he

35:23

made The three shots at the end of the

35:25

game, you know what I mean? So at least

35:26

he did his job, but then we won

35:29

and then game seven man,

35:32

I Kind of knew in the first quarter when we got

35:34

down by like six or seven I was like, oh, yeah,

35:36

I never feel like when you get down six

35:39

or seven in

35:40

In the first quarter of a game seven

35:42

I just don't I'm trying to remember the amount of

35:44

times people start coming back like the other team

35:47

basically has

35:48

To choke because I feel like you just start to get

35:50

tight Yeah, like oh fuck this

35:52

isn't going the way we thought. Oh shit. Oh god, this guy's

35:54

on this You know when when you

35:56

have when you have your best player and

35:59

maybe the best player

35:59

on the court who's literally not taking

36:02

an outside shot because his ankle, I

36:05

don't know, you're done. But also,

36:09

back to Donnie, Donnie's gone to a lot

36:11

of Celtics games. He's a big fan and one

36:14

of the things is he went to the games when they

36:16

were 20 and 60, you know what I

36:18

mean? So he's very knowledgeable. Real thing. Yeah,

36:21

real fan and very knowledgeable and always has

36:23

a great take and he should

36:25

do more sports stuff. He's just busy

36:28

acting and singing. Busy killing it. Busy

36:30

killing it in another area. But I'm busy having a

36:32

monster career. Yeah, exactly.

36:36

He said he was there, courtside.

36:39

He said, well, I probably shouldn't quote

36:41

him because he's that close to all those guys. Somebody who looked

36:43

like him. They were gassed. He said they

36:45

were gassed in the first quarter. They

36:47

were exhausted.

36:49

They were exhausted. But Joe,

36:51

the coach wasn't playing anybody.

36:54

Prichard never came in. You know, the

36:57

other guys didn't come in, bring those guys in, have

36:59

them mix it up. I don't know for whatever reason.

37:01

I mean, he

37:03

played the same amount of games. That's what

37:05

I said to Donnie. That's what I said to Donnie.

37:07

I said, Donnie, you're always right, but

37:09

I can't give you this one because he played the

37:11

same amount of games. However, that's

37:14

what we lost because we were tired. No,

37:16

but that's why the rotation didn't come

37:18

in. Think of who they didn't play. They played

37:21

seven guys instead of nine, 10.

37:23

Look at Miami. You know, that coach

37:25

had a lot more experience. But yeah,

37:28

I mean, that was good. That

37:30

was definitely going to catch up with us. So it did. And

37:33

it's painful. And

37:36

all we have left is our tours.

37:40

No, I'm going to take it to another level. All

37:42

Boston has left is Joey McIntyre

37:44

at the Melody Tent in August. That's all we have

37:46

left because the Sox come out

37:49

for a healing. The Sox. The

37:51

Sox. The Sox. The Sox.

37:53

It does have that Jim Jones vibe. The Sox had the same fucking problem that they've

37:56

had for fucking three years. We got to score

37:57

eight runs to win a goddamn game. Yeah.

38:00

Yeah, so.

38:01

I still love the socks though. And I can be

38:03

honest with you, I kinda like when they're not that good.

38:05

Cause I feel like it weeds out all the fucking bandwagon

38:08

people. And it's just like, I love hanging in there

38:10

watching game four the end of the year. You

38:12

can get a decent seat, you

38:14

know what I mean? No, we're still

38:16

selling out the games. You had seats for a little while,

38:18

didn't you? Yeah, I had them

38:21

with Nate Cordy. You and Nate, yeah. How

38:23

old was that? Another guy on the heat. Me and Nate Cordy,

38:25

we split season tickets. And we- It's

38:27

hard to handle, right? That's a lot of games. Right.

38:30

Cause it was just, we were both living in LA. We were like, yeah, but

38:32

you know, they just won the World Series. We'll

38:34

be able to flip these things and blah,

38:35

blah, blah. And we lost a bunch of people to free agency and

38:37

they absolutely fucking sucked. Oh

38:39

my. Oh my God, I took a bath. Yeah.

38:42

I took a bath. And he asked me the next year, you wanna get Red Suck

38:44

seasons again? I was like, no, I'm good. I mean,

38:47

it's really, it's a full-time job. Which killed me to say

38:50

that because my dream

38:52

as a kid was not to

38:55

get into show business, was not. My dream was

38:57

to somehow make enough money that

38:59

I would have season tickets to the Bruins, Celtics,

39:02

Red Sox and Patriots. And I would somehow,

39:04

not only would I have the money to do

39:07

that, I would have the time to go to

39:09

all the games. You know what

39:11

I thought you were gonna say? I think that's

39:14

an amazing dream. But I think

39:16

a lot of kids dreams growing up in Boston

39:19

was just to be the ball boy of the Boston

39:21

Celtics. Wasn't that the ultimate

39:23

ball boy dream? Bat boy was another one.

39:25

It's bat boy. But there was something

39:27

about

39:29

the guy under the basket. You know

39:31

what I mean? The ball boy for the 80 Celtics. Plus

39:33

they were winning championships. That was it.

39:36

Yeah, so. To get to throw the towel

39:38

to McHale every time he went to the line,

39:40

that was the dream.

39:42

Didn't get any better than that. I

39:45

think that guy was like 53 at the

39:47

time. So he wasn't really a boy. Well,

39:49

he wasn't gonna. He wasn't gonna give that job away. He wasn't gonna

39:51

give that job up. He kinda hit it. You

39:54

know, I had Don Gavin, one

39:56

of the Boston standup legends on here one

39:58

time. And he.

40:00

went to like every fucking Celtic game

40:02

from the beginning. And he was

40:04

literally there before they won their first championship.

40:07

Like I was literally, and I was so fucked up

40:09

was I didn't realize that until the end of the podcast.

40:11

Like I have to have him back on to talk about

40:14

that. And he was there not only at the inception

40:16

of the Celtics, but really the inception of the

40:18

NBA.

40:19

Like I think like the first year,

40:24

he started going to games like the Rochester

40:27

Royals, which became

40:29

the Cincinnati Royals, as he's

40:31

still around, which became the Kansas City Kings, which

40:33

became the Sacramento Kings. So I

40:35

think the Rochester Royals, I wanna

40:37

say either they won

40:40

the championship or Aaron the St.

40:42

Louis Hawks possibly.

40:44

I think that was in the middle, which became the Atlanta Hawks

40:47

and all that. Not to show my whole nerd side

40:49

here that I'm into this type of shit. So,

40:52

he was there when Coosie retired and all of that.

40:54

And

40:55

the

40:57

whole like history in the NBA was the Celtics

41:00

beating the Lakers in game seven at one point,

41:02

if you can believe it. Like Bob Coosie's last

41:04

game was out at the LA Sports Arena. Oh, with

41:06

the balloons and everything, right? Beating the

41:08

Lakers in a game seven. Halluchek was in

41:10

it, right? Yeah. All of the mike said it. But

41:13

the story is they had all the balloons

41:15

in a net

41:17

and they never came down because they didn't win. They had

41:19

thousands of balloons netted

41:21

up in the ceiling of the forum. See,

41:24

my whole life watching the Celtics and the

41:26

Lakers is the Lakers have gotten the better of us. Like

41:29

up until 87, 84 was

41:31

like back for 85 they got us. 86 they didn't

41:34

make it to the find. I know, horrible. And

41:37

then 87 they got us again. And

41:39

then after that, then it became like the free agency

41:41

game. So hopefully at some point we

41:43

will...

41:45

Did you hit a lot of games at the Garden growing

41:48

up? No, because they always sold out.

41:50

So only one time, only one time I

41:52

scalped tickets. Really? And

41:54

I went in town and they were

41:56

playing the Pistons. I remember Isaiah didn't

41:59

play, but it was the bad. Boys versus the

42:01

Celtics but Bird was there, McHale, Parrish,

42:03

our original big three, and

42:06

Dennis Johnson and all that and it was hot, it

42:08

was like towards the end of the year or whatever.

42:11

And me and my buddies, oh, we'll just come down here, we'll

42:13

start scalping tickets, but I lived way out in

42:15

the suburbs.

42:16

How'd you get in there, exactly? You didn't

42:19

have that. Fucking drank a 12 pack and drove

42:21

in like everybody did. You know what I mean? Everyone

42:23

was fucking wasted just driving in there. But

42:26

I went to way more, I was more of a Bruins guy.

42:29

So I went in and I

42:32

think the first seven games I saw at

42:35

the Garden was Bruins versus the Montreal Canadiens

42:38

because I loved the rivalry and I loved the fights.

42:40

Oh, three, four fights, easy. You were good

42:42

for it. Yeah, it was like,

42:45

the first one I went to was a playoff game in 83

42:48

when we were the number one seed, won the

42:50

President's Trophy, fucking choked that year.

42:52

And then we played the Canadians and they just

42:54

came in and that was the best. Gaspa? Gaspa

42:57

was. Yeah, Stevie

42:59

Casper, number 11 was still there, but it was Pete

43:02

Peters.

43:02

It was. Rick Middleton.

43:05

Middleton. Barry Peterson was on that team.

43:08

Peter McNabb, rest his soul,

43:11

he just passed away. Really?

43:13

Yeah, and when we got rid of, when

43:15

we traded. Terry O'Reilly.

43:17

Rick Middleton, Terry O'Reilly, Wayne

43:19

Cashman,

43:20

towards the end of his career, Stan Jonathan. Those

43:22

were the sort of big bad Bruins guys after

43:26

Espo and all of them were starting to get

43:28

old because Terry came in after them, Stan

43:30

came after them, went sink was already retired.

43:33

So our tough guys,

43:34

who the hell was it? Who was that tough guy? I

43:37

think that was before Jay Miller and

43:39

Lyndon Byers. It was Terry O'Reilly.

43:42

Oh, Lyndon was there in the 80s. Terry O'Reilly was the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

43:44

I don't know who was between Byers and Terry

43:47

O'Reilly, but. Tom Fergus. With

43:50

that wrist shot. If he could just develop that wrist shot. He

43:52

said that in Mike Krushelniski. Right,

43:54

cool, that was a good one. Craig McTavish.

43:57

Yeah, it's so fucked up that old Michael Connell.

43:59

And then Ray Bork wearing number seven. It's so

44:02

fucked up I can remember all of that. But I

44:04

don't care. I remember

44:06

how excited my brother was. My brother's four

44:09

years older than me. And like that

44:11

moment of when they retired

44:13

number seven and he takes number seven off

44:16

and Ray Bork's wearing 77. That

44:18

was the greatest. The whole night

44:20

was a surprise. Usually retiring

44:22

the number is like, you know, months in advance.

44:25

That was a surprise. He takes off

44:27

the jersey. And that was a vindictive move.

44:29

I feel by Harry Sinon that he gave out number seven,

44:32

Espo's number that quickly.

44:34

Do you ever hear how he ended up on

44:36

the Rangers? They were fucking drinking

44:38

one night and somebody said to him, I forget who the fuck it

44:40

was going like, hey man, I think it was Cashman

44:43

or somebody. I don't know, I don't wanna throw anybody on the bus. There's

44:45

Harry over there. He's got all this fucking money. You're

44:47

the best player in the league. You should go over there. You should

44:49

ask him for a raise and blah, blah, blah. He went over and he asked

44:52

him for a raise.

44:53

And then like, yeah, like three games

44:55

later he was traded. Oh my God.

44:58

I mean, just think how many we could have won and all that

45:00

stuff. And his brother was the goalie, right? Yeah,

45:03

Tony. Tony played with

45:05

the, but more importantly.

45:08

More importantly. More importantly, you have

45:10

the team. We're talking about the guarding and I thought about

45:12

it recently though, because the

45:14

new kids first time around, it

45:18

was when the nearly years

45:20

and the bork years and when we lost

45:23

to the Oilers. Oh, 90. What

45:26

new kids, one of the many- The NCAA without Wayne

45:28

Gretzky. Yes, one of the many- Glenn Wesley

45:30

had that open net. Yes. And they

45:32

fucking overtime. I was there in the triple overtime, dude.

45:35

I was, I was- You know what's funny is

45:37

people go, if Glenn

45:38

Wesley hit that, would it totally change the series? It

45:40

wouldn't have, they were just too good. No, no, no, no, it's unbelievable.

45:42

But if, as

45:44

I say, if the

45:46

red line

45:48

kept going up the stands, my face

45:50

would have been red. I was in a box. I

45:53

was dead. Center right. Center, bro.

45:55

Wow. That's the many things that the new kids got,

45:58

got me. You know what I mean? We're in Boston kids and here we-

45:59

like the Stanley Cup for that

46:02

game and all around. There was nothing

46:04

better than that. That's the greatest thing. That's what's so cool though is

46:07

that if you're like a musician, I feel like you can

46:09

stay in like your hometown. You know

46:11

what I mean? And like, where, like now I feel

46:13

as a comedian and comedians are showing this where, you know,

46:15

once you're kind of a, you can kind of make it from anywhere

46:18

and live anywhere, which is cool because

46:20

I can tell you,

46:22

like, if I still, you

46:25

know, I mean, I'm rooted here now. My kids are in school

46:27

out here, so I'm not leaving, but like, you

46:30

know, once a year, we go back for a couple

46:32

of weeks over the summer and it's just like,

46:35

ugh. It's the best. Well, just

46:37

as far as being a sports fan, I've been living

46:39

behind enemy lines.

46:42

Like I was in New York City during the whole curse

46:44

of the height of that curse of the babe fucking bullshit.

46:47

And then right as I move out to LA, the

46:49

Celtics Lakers out of nowhere, heated

46:51

back up again and it's just like, fuck, it was.

46:54

Yeah, dude, it's just like Jesus Christ. And then to

46:56

sit there, like, when I go back

46:59

over the summer and I see people

47:01

wearing the hometown jerseys, like,

47:03

I have to remind my, oh man. Yeah, you know.

47:06

Oh yeah. Yeah, that's how it is. Like,

47:09

everybody agrees with me. It's okay. Oh

47:13

yeah, good little hunting. It's not your fault. It's

47:16

not your fault, yeah. You're rooting for these

47:18

teams, so. So

47:20

talk to me a little bit more, like,

47:23

as far as,

47:25

like, the show, like, putting together a band and

47:27

all of that, like, do you do like. I'm keeping it simple, so

47:29

these are intimate. So I'm

47:32

traveling light. It's more acoustic.

47:35

I got one guy. So there's different

47:37

colors. And part of doing those shows

47:39

in LA was trying to figure out, am I gonna,

47:41

you know, like, the Carnegie Show was, you

47:44

know, a nine piece band, it was a big deal. But these

47:46

are, I wanna travel a little lighter. So

47:48

it's me, this amazing guy who

47:50

does, plays guitar,

47:53

piano. I'm on the piano. We do acoustic,

47:55

we do some tracks. It's a little bit everything, but the

47:58

idea is I get up there and I connect with you. the audience

48:00

in a very intimate setting. Oh, I get it.

48:03

And hopefully sing my ass off. You got

48:05

it, dude. You're going to crush it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

48:07

So it's,

48:09

yeah, it's hopefully I'll live

48:11

like a monk and drink liquid

48:14

death and not... You got it. And

48:16

we'll shake off this game seven losses. Exactly.

48:19

Slowly but surely.

48:20

Although this year we have... Stay off our phones. This

48:22

year we have to say which one? The Bruins. Yeah.

48:25

At least the... Two

48:28

game seven losses to the eventual champions.

48:31

Because the Panthers... That's one way to

48:33

go. The Panthers are... I don't think Miami has a chance

48:35

against Denver. I don't know

48:37

enough about who. All

48:39

I do is fucking bitch

48:41

moment complain about it. That center MVP

48:44

joke bitch guy is, yeah.

48:46

I know, right? Unstoppable.

48:48

I know. I saw somebody the other day saying

48:50

like, you know, Steph Curry is a better shooter than Larry Bird, which

48:52

he is. He's the greatest shooter I've ever seen. But they're

48:55

going like, I mean, Jesus Christ, he has like 9,000 more

48:57

three pointers. I want to be like, well, first of

48:59

all, the first couple of years of Larry's career, there

49:01

wasn't... There was no three point line. And

49:03

then it was all about feeding the big guy. It's a different

49:05

fucking game. Jesus Christ. It

49:08

is what it is. It is what it is. It was so...

49:10

Dude, this looks like an amazing tour. Yes, thank

49:13

you. And I am gonna... I'm gonna, you know...

49:15

Yeah. My wife's the biggest fan. I know.

49:18

She literally said to me like, I can't believe... It's been too

49:20

long. She acts like she doesn't know you. Listen, the new kid's got

49:22

some dates too. I mean, I'm lucky enough to be in a

49:24

very successful group. And that's the balance

49:26

of this thing is trying to weave my solo stuff

49:29

in between. But we do have a show

49:31

at the, you know, the Yamava. They're like doing

49:33

the ads. Have you seen them? No. You

49:36

know this Yamava casino? I'm surprised they

49:38

have a... No. I'm sure

49:40

they will. It's a new casino. They have a lot of big

49:42

acts. There's billboards everywhere. So

49:45

it's the end of June. So you guys, you guys

49:47

got to come out once and for all. It's been a

49:49

while. Wait a second. Wait a

49:51

second. Wait a second. It's like

49:53

the 30th and it's like an hour

49:56

away. It's an hour outside of L.A.

49:58

All right. Yeah. Okay. We'll make it

50:00

happen. And whether you're there or not, he's

50:03

gonna be there. How's that? Yeah, nobody gives a

50:05

shit about me. Although on High Ennis, I'm

50:07

gonna do everything I can to come down.

50:09

I love that, you know why I love that place? One

50:12

and only place I ever saw George Carlin. Wow.

50:15

I saw him in the round, he fucking

50:17

murdered. It's a classic,

50:20

you still have like cover bands playing there and

50:23

God bless them, I'm sure they're amazing, but you

50:25

have a great history there at that place,

50:27

so I was like. And they pack them in. Oh.

50:30

When you're on stage there, it doesn't feel

50:32

nearly as big. I remember when I sat in the crowd, I

50:35

remember when I was watching Carl's, oh my God,

50:37

this place is fucking gigantic. And

50:40

then when I was opening for

50:42

the late great Charlie Murphy, and I was

50:44

working with Don L. Rollins on this Chappelle show, Rich

50:46

Bitch Tour, we went and played that place.

50:49

And

50:51

I remember thinking like, for some reason when

50:53

I saw George Carlin, first of all, I couldn't believe I was in the same

50:55

place as George Carlin. Yeah. It

50:57

wasn't like the way it is now, it was just like famous

51:00

people were like a million miles away.

51:02

And if you could just be in the upper deck, and

51:05

I just remember it, it just seemed so much, so

51:07

much, so much bigger

51:09

as an audience member. Yeah,

51:12

and then there's something when you get up

51:14

there, it's like oddly, it's still

51:16

huge. Intimate, very intimate. Yeah. Yeah, it is,

51:19

it's a unique spot, so.

51:21

Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you there, and I'm

51:23

definitely gonna catch you guys if I'm in town. Yeah.

51:26

When you're out there. It's the,

51:28

what's it's just the Joe? Solo Joe we

51:31

call it, Solo Joe.

51:33

I like that. Yeah.

51:34

Solo Joe. It's a fan, that's a fan thing,

51:37

like our fans, you know what I mean, have you seen Solo

51:39

Joe? So I said, yeah, that makes sense. I

51:41

don't know, dude, I'm getting kinda like, when

51:44

Rod Stewart started feeling like, no, when he's doing

51:46

like the classics, and they're turning to this whole, this

51:49

whole fucking thing. Let's go, let's go. You remember

51:51

that, when you're selling out the fucking mirage,

51:54

don't forget me, all right? All right, Joe McIntyre,

51:56

tour dates, we will have it up on

51:58

the website. You gotta go.

51:59

check him out and I mean he usually

52:02

plays arenas with new

52:04

kids you can actually come in and see

52:06

him in this whole stripped down thing like like all

52:08

these guys end up doing it. Rod Stewart, Bruce,

52:11

you guys all end up doing this shit

52:13

and it's fucking cool. It's a great thing for

52:15

fans too. Yes. You know what

52:17

I like about this? I know I'm pointing at you

52:19

like I'm being fucking rude. What I like about is is

52:22

if you really couldn't sing and really couldn't

52:24

play, you would be immediately... This is

52:26

the last place you'd want to be. Exposed. Yeah.

52:29

You can't hide. Yeah. Totally.

52:33

No one sees it. You're lip syncing. Totally.

52:35

Yeah. This guy is the fucking real deal. It's

52:38

such a pleasure to have you on here. I know this

52:40

tour is gonna kill it. This is a great gift

52:42

to get you laid. That's

52:43

right. If the birthday's

52:45

coming up. Oh fuck. You know what? My wife's birthday's

52:48

in a few days. Maybe I'll surprise her with some

52:50

new kids. I love it. Huh? I love it.

52:52

Alright. Joe McIntyre everybody. Thank you guys

52:54

for watching. Please enjoy the music. Picked

52:59

out by the newly married. The newlywed.

53:02

Andrew Themless. Then we have a bonus episode of

53:04

Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday Morning

53:06

Podcast. Have a great weekend.

53:24

Thanks for watching. Hey,

53:55

what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's

53:57

the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.

54:00

June 1st, 2015. How's

54:03

it going everybody? How are

54:05

you? How are things? That

54:08

is good. I

54:10

apologize for

54:13

last Thursday's podcast. I guess I recorded

54:15

it in mono, which was just on, I

54:18

guess not stereo, is what I learned. I

54:20

don't know if I'm doing it again because I don't know how to

54:22

use my recorder and I am currently

54:25

not in the United States. So I don't know any

54:27

nerds where I'm

54:29

at.

54:30

Where am I at right now? You asked. Oui

54:34

Guillaume. I am in Paris,

54:36

France. All fancy

54:39

freckles. Over here to get

54:41

a couple of macaroons. Steak and

54:45

pump frites. Bonjour tout le

54:47

monde. Je m'appelle Guillaume. Fremont,

54:50

maine n'hôme. Yeah,

54:52

I'm over here. I don't

54:55

know. What the fuck? What else am I going to do? I tell shit

54:58

jokes in a mall. Government

55:00

takes all my fucking money. I might as well blow

55:02

a little on myself. I'm

55:05

over here with the lovely Nia and we

55:07

actually just got here

55:10

and we're going to be here for whatever. Seven,

55:13

ten days. You know what's cool man? I'm actually going to go to

55:16

the Roland Garros, the

55:18

fucking

55:20

French Open on the clay. Going

55:22

to go to a

55:24

game at some point. Going to go over there and scalp

55:26

some tickets. That's going to be fun, right? Talking

55:28

to some fucking French scalper. This

55:30

goddamn beret in his striped shirt. You really wish

55:32

they'd look like that but they don't. So

55:35

we just got here to the city about

55:38

maybe 40 minutes ago. Had

55:40

a decent flight coming over here. It was a little delayed

55:43

but this guy in front of us, oh

55:45

my god. You guys think I'm

55:48

an asshole? I know you do. I know

55:50

you do. I know you think I give Nia a ton of shit.

55:52

This fucking guy was just one

55:54

of the most horrible human beings.

55:57

He was the weirdest thing. He was walking

55:59

around. around like talking to everybody. Just

56:02

one of those older guys that just talks all the time.

56:05

First of all, when he sat down, he's got one of those, I

56:07

live the good life guts, but

56:09

one of those bodies, you know, where your legs

56:11

and arms are the exact same size, like

56:13

super skinny. And then he's just got this belly.

56:17

And

56:18

he, one of those people that starts to

56:20

sit down and then the weight

56:22

of the decisions that they've put down their mouth

56:24

just takes over and then they just give up. They

56:27

don't use any leg muscles. They just collapse

56:30

into the seat. And that's what he would do every time. He

56:32

would go down about a third of the way and

56:34

then just free fall into his chair.

56:37

And then at the top of his lungs would go, ah,

56:40

what he sat down,

56:43

which to me was funny. That was

56:45

just like, this is an old guy. He doesn't give a fuck.

56:48

He's probably going to have a couple of something, you

56:50

know, a couple of sarsaparillas on the flight, but

56:53

dude, he was so fucking

56:55

rude and mean

56:57

to his wife. He was nasty. He

57:01

kept telling her to shut up. Like I tell him he had a

57:03

shut up and I'm joking around. This guy was serious.

57:06

But one part he goes, he goes, he

57:09

goes, he goes, where my books? And

57:11

I heard her mumble something. I guess she said

57:13

what? And he just goes, my books like

57:16

yelled at her. And then everybody else he'd walk up to the,

57:18

like, ah, I used to work for this place. And we

57:21

had a great time there. Gee, your

57:23

cutie is a button fucking weird

57:25

as shit. So, um,

57:28

so we're sitting there and we're reading, right? Fromage,

57:31

whatever the fuck they given us. Um, I love it.

57:33

That's it. That's their idea of a dessert

57:36

cheese.

57:38

The fuck is wrong with you? Put it on a burger, take

57:41

this back and go put it on a burger. Right.

57:44

Um, and then they have like a date and that's

57:46

supposed to be like your sugar. God knows, you know, that's probably

57:48

the right way to eat. Who knows? They're all fucking skinny

57:50

over here, but they smoke like a goddamn chimney. So

57:52

I mean, I always think that that's why they're so skinny. So

57:55

anyways, um,

57:58

I'm trying to watch a couple of movies.

57:59

But my movie thing, every time I go to watch

58:02

it, I'll get a half hour in and then the dialogue

58:04

gets like, the audio gets like five minutes

58:06

behind the movie, which

58:09

I guess I deserve. That was my punishment for

58:11

doing my last fucking podcast in mono, right?

58:13

Let me make sure this thing is even

58:15

recording here, okay. So

58:19

I started watching Capote

58:21

with the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman. That

58:23

guy was fucking unbelievable. I

58:26

was enjoying the hell out of the movie, first of all,

58:28

because I saw in cold blood

58:30

a long time ago with Robert Blake and somebody

58:33

else, one of the most amazingly shot movies. Well,

58:37

I guess Truman Capote wrote the book. God knows I

58:39

don't read. So, but

58:42

I knew a little bit of the backstory and I was really into

58:44

it. And all of a sudden the audio was like five minutes behind.

58:48

So then I put on American

58:50

Sniper. And

58:56

I was really enjoying that. Bradley

58:58

Cooper was great. He was picking everybody off.

59:01

I liked how they had the

59:05

soldiers seemed to be talking the way they would talk,

59:07

the way they would talk, you know. It's

59:09

a bunch of savages over here and animals, just

59:11

the way you dehumanize the enemy and all that

59:13

type of shit. I was enjoying

59:16

the hell out of it, you know. And I also, I really

59:19

respect, I was almost gonna say archery.

59:21

What do you call it? That's good, the bow and arrow. What's

59:23

when you're good with the pistol

59:25

and the rifle?

59:27

What do you want, a sharpshooter? I just

59:29

really respect, I really respect

59:32

anybody that is a master of anything

59:34

and weaponry.

59:37

I think it's just a really cool thing. You

59:39

know what I mean? Being a fucking sniper is badass.

59:42

It's a fucking nice throat shot. Just

59:45

taking people out, controlling your breathing

59:47

and all of that. I was really getting into it, really

59:49

enjoying it. And then all of a sudden, like the most, you

59:52

know, they're going after this butcher guy.

59:55

And when it was getting really fucking good, the audio

59:57

kicked out again.

1:00:00

So I was like, all right, fuck this, whatever. I'm going to go to sleep.

1:00:02

So I start, I'm in the middle of sleeping, and

1:00:04

I hear this glass hit the floor or something.

1:00:07

And the guy had

1:00:08

spilled his water, the nasty guy

1:00:11

up front

1:00:12

in the row in front of us, or he had spilled,

1:00:16

his wife had spilled the water. He just started

1:00:19

screaming at the top of his fucking lungs. It

1:00:22

wasn't like every word. He would just like,

1:00:24

you know, like the way he went, my books, he would

1:00:26

go like that. He would just be

1:00:28

like, oh, now it's all wet. He

1:00:31

just would yell. I

1:00:33

wanted to fucking kill this guy.

1:00:36

He's just, he was

1:00:38

yelling like he was walking around in his underwear,

1:00:41

in his own fucking house. And nobody would

1:00:43

say anything to the guy, including

1:00:45

me. I wanted to stand up and be like, dude,

1:00:47

will you stop fucking yelling at your wife, your

1:00:49

old cunt? There's other people on

1:00:52

the plane. You're nasty. God,

1:00:54

he was fucking nasty. Mean

1:00:56

son of a bitch. Then

1:00:58

he goes to get off the plane. He's walking way out in front of his wife

1:01:01

and that type of shit. Just like, just a fucking

1:01:04

asshole.

1:01:05

Complete asshole. Other than that, other

1:01:08

than that, it was

1:01:11

a nice flight over here. So, you know, Nia

1:01:13

picked out this little apartment. Little

1:01:16

is the key fucking word. Jesus Christ.

1:01:19

This fucking thing, Napoleon bangs somebody

1:01:21

in the face. Hey, I'm telling you, it's small. You know what I

1:01:23

mean? No, seriously, it's fucking old as hell.

1:01:27

And

1:01:29

so everything in here is like, I guess

1:01:31

whoever owns this,

1:01:33

you know, they rent them out. So everything is antique.

1:01:35

He goes, he's a real antique. So he's

1:01:38

like, he's a very, very delicate.

1:01:40

So you sit down like easy,

1:01:43

easy, easy. The table, you set

1:01:46

the bowl down easy. Everything's like, dude,

1:01:48

what the fuck kind of fucking apartment is this? I

1:01:50

can't sit down. He said,

1:01:52

you know what's funny too, because it's English, you know, he

1:01:54

said the last person who stayed here was very strong

1:01:58

and they kind of weakened the chair. And I wanted to. be

1:02:00

like, you mean fat? But

1:02:05

he was a cool guy, man. He explained and everything

1:02:07

is that you use the

1:02:09

stove and here's the day of the painting

1:02:11

and you go da da da. That's a yada

1:02:14

yada yada over here. Da da da, you lose

1:02:16

your order bar. And so

1:02:18

anyway, so we're fucking over here and I'm psyched.

1:02:23

My whole thing, it's my wife's birthday in a couple of days.

1:02:25

That's why I brought her over here. And

1:02:28

that you know, when you're as big an asshole as me,

1:02:30

you need to do shit like that.

1:02:32

That that'll that'll that shuts him

1:02:34

up for a good two

1:02:36

to three days. You

1:02:38

know, when you get back, you got a good two to three

1:02:40

days where they're like, you

1:02:42

know, he took me to Paris. I'm

1:02:44

gonna I'll back off.

1:02:47

You know, trying to change him a bitch and about

1:02:50

shit. And

1:02:53

you know, and then it's then it's all back to normal. And it

1:02:55

doesn't mean shit to other than unless you

1:02:57

bring it up, which you have to do, you got to be like, I just

1:02:59

took you to Paris, really? Three days later,

1:03:01

you're still bitching about it. You

1:03:03

know, you got I'm telling you, like you ever see like

1:03:06

a boxing match where there's a bigger guy, he

1:03:08

just sticks his mitt right and right in the other dude's face.

1:03:10

That's what you got to do. You just got to keep that

1:03:12

mitt right in their face.

1:03:14

You know? So

1:03:16

anyway, so why would I do that? It's such a nice city and I got

1:03:18

to take it to that fucking level. I'm really laying in this this

1:03:21

fucking bed, this Ikea bed

1:03:23

next to something that Louis the 14th

1:03:25

probably fucking I don't know, bang some whore

1:03:28

on and

1:03:30

they got a I'm looking out here the

1:03:32

rooftops. We

1:03:34

got a five floor walk up

1:03:37

each floor, the fucking stairs

1:03:39

get more like angled like you'd have to have like 20

1:03:42

beers in you for these stairs to look straight like, like

1:03:44

a lot of these buildings over here super, super,

1:03:46

super fucking old. And they don't

1:03:48

do anything to update them. They keep them all original.

1:03:51

So they've settled for like

1:03:53

three centuries. So it's really weird. But I'm up here

1:03:56

on the fifth floor and I'm looking out the window

1:03:58

here and all I see is like TV Antennas.

1:04:02

It reminded me of that Flintstone episode when him

1:04:04

and Barney were again getting in trouble and they were driving down the

1:04:06

street and he was last someone, all the wooden

1:04:08

TV Antennas by the way,

1:04:12

off of the rooftops. So anyways,

1:04:14

whatever,

1:04:16

I'm babbling here this week. I'm

1:04:19

on vacation and I

1:04:21

had an unbelievable, unbelievable

1:04:24

month. I'm still riding high on

1:04:26

the whole, all

1:04:28

those shows I did in Boston. So, so

1:04:31

here's the deal, you know, I'm going

1:04:33

to spend like 10 days here in France

1:04:37

and then right. I'm going to be home for like three, four days.

1:04:39

And then I start another tour of the West coast

1:04:42

and that ends up in Vegas and then Tucson.

1:04:45

So I'm like, well, there goes

1:04:48

my entire June.

1:04:50

So

1:04:51

I've been doing the helicopter lessons and

1:04:53

I was done.

1:04:55

I basically been done with ground school

1:04:59

since like February,

1:05:01

but I worked a lot in March and April

1:05:04

and I was studying for the written part of it. So

1:05:06

when I did the Southern tour, I really,

1:05:08

you know, that whole month I was studying for the multiple

1:05:11

choice part, I should say test that

1:05:13

you had to fucking take. And as I

1:05:15

told you guys, I passed that and

1:05:17

then I had, you know, I

1:05:19

was looking at my schedule. I had that run in Boston and then

1:05:21

my June was fucked

1:05:24

and, you know, flying a helicopter

1:05:26

is like anything else. It's like going to the gym, you know,

1:05:28

go for fucking two months. You're going to come back suck

1:05:30

and wind. So it's like, dude, I got

1:05:33

to fucking put this thing to bed. So I was just talking to

1:05:35

my instructor. I was like, dude, I got to take the fucking

1:05:37

check ride this month. I got to do

1:05:39

it. He was like, I like it. I like it. I like having a plan.

1:05:41

Let's do it. So I just studied

1:05:43

my fucking balls off

1:05:46

this whole month while doing shows. I would literally

1:05:48

be in the green room like reading on fucking airspace

1:05:51

and wind correction angles and all

1:05:53

of that shit. So long story short,

1:05:57

um,

1:05:58

my check ride was on Saturday.

1:05:59

And your check ride is where you sit

1:06:02

down with the FAA guy

1:06:04

for like an hour, an hour and a half, and

1:06:06

depending on how you're answering the questions depends

1:06:09

on how long it is. If you're fucking crushing it, it

1:06:13

can be as short as a half hour, if it's a little bit longer.

1:06:16

If you're not quite getting them, they'll talk

1:06:18

to you more. And then if you pass that, then

1:06:20

you go out and fly. And it's all these different

1:06:22

maneuvers.

1:06:27

And then if you,

1:06:29

there's this weird thing where you're either a fail or you passed

1:06:31

a bunch of

1:06:33

things and you just failed like one thing. Like

1:06:36

if you failed your steep approach or your hover

1:06:38

auto or something like that, you could

1:06:40

pass everything else. And then when you retook it, you

1:06:42

just have to do that one maneuver and show that you could

1:06:44

do it. So

1:06:48

we're coming right up on it and

1:06:51

they end up looking at my log book and they realized

1:06:53

that I was short on my solo time

1:06:55

and I was short on my

1:06:59

fucking night

1:07:02

flying. So

1:07:04

I had to go down there Friday. I was

1:07:07

taking a Saturday morning at 9 a.m. So Friday

1:07:09

night I go down there,

1:07:11

right around 4 and I just flew around

1:07:13

the traffic pattern. I needed

1:07:15

a 1.4 and I was flying around, flying

1:07:17

around.

1:07:19

One time I scared

1:07:22

the shit out of myself. I was gripping the throttle too much

1:07:24

and I started my descent. The low RPM horn

1:07:26

came on. And basically if that drops

1:07:29

below 80%, you just fall out of the sky.

1:07:31

So when that fucking thing comes on, like you just slam

1:07:33

the collective down and I couldn't figure

1:07:35

out why it was doing that for like

1:07:37

this split second. And I realized I had a death

1:07:40

grip, not really death grip, I just

1:07:42

had it too fucking tight and I just let go and the RPMs

1:07:44

came back up. But I could have just rolled the RPMs

1:07:46

on it because I put it down. But this

1:07:48

is the first time I've been alone

1:07:49

in the helicopter and the low RPM

1:07:52

horn came on and I brought

1:07:54

it

1:07:56

in for a landing and just kind of sat there.

1:07:59

there on the pad for a second going like, all right, fuckhead,

1:08:02

don't grab my, it's unbelievable.

1:08:04

It's an unbelievable experience. I can't explain

1:08:06

it when something like that happens. It's

1:08:09

like the adrenaline rush and you're slightly

1:08:11

nauseous and then you plow through it and you feel fucking

1:08:14

awesome about yourself. So

1:08:16

anyways,

1:08:18

so I did all of that and then we

1:08:20

did,

1:08:21

I got my points, I needed point seven.

1:08:24

So I had a total of 10 hours. I had my 10 hours

1:08:28

of solo time and then I

1:08:30

forget what, how many hours I needed of night

1:08:32

flight, but I was like point seven short, which

1:08:35

is, I don't

1:08:38

know, what is that, seven times, like about 40 minutes.

1:08:42

It means basically an hour, I believe, on

1:08:45

the Hobbs meter. Every one is six

1:08:47

minutes. There's 10, 10 times six

1:08:50

is 60 minutes. I think that's, I believe that's how it goes. So

1:08:52

anyways, I'm,

1:08:55

you know, flying around

1:08:57

with my instructor and he's taking me through the paces and

1:08:59

he's really, really a stickler and

1:09:02

just gets on you about everything. And

1:09:05

I'm old enough to not

1:09:07

be frustrated by it because I'm like, I know this guy

1:09:09

is being as hard as the, probably being harder

1:09:11

than the FAA guy is going to be on me, which is going to help

1:09:14

come game time.

1:09:16

And so

1:09:19

anyways, we did like, you know, auto rotations

1:09:22

at night,

1:09:23

you know, which is fucked because you can't see where you're

1:09:25

going to land until you get down there. And the auto

1:09:28

rotation is basically if you had a drive system

1:09:30

or a engine failure, you

1:09:32

use the weight of the ship

1:09:35

to basically, and

1:09:37

the glide, Jesus Christ,

1:09:39

can't even explain it here. You want to basically establish

1:09:41

a 65 knot

1:09:45

attitude and the weight of the ship, the

1:09:47

air rather than being pulled down into

1:09:49

the main rotor is now rushing up through

1:09:51

it and that's what's turning it. And you just

1:09:53

keep it,

1:09:54

you know, you want to keep it in the green and

1:09:59

you You can just bring the thing down and just set

1:10:02

it down on a fucking picnic table when you get good at

1:10:04

the shit. I can't do that yet. So we're

1:10:06

doing it at night. I'm fucking them up and everything. I'm

1:10:08

going, fuck, I'm going to flunk this thing. And

1:10:11

my instructor's going, don't psych yourself up, blah, blah,

1:10:13

blah, blah, blah. So anyways,

1:10:15

I know I'm dragging this out. So

1:10:17

anyways, long story short,

1:10:20

Saturday morning I'm going to take it.

1:10:22

I wake up at like fucking 3.30 in the morning.

1:10:25

I went back asleep, woke up at five. And

1:10:27

then I just, you know, I went over everything one

1:10:30

more time.

1:10:31

And then I went in there and I

1:10:34

sat down with the guy and I was just

1:10:36

like, ah, fuck, here we go. Here we go.

1:10:39

I don't want to flunk this fucking thing. And then go to Paris and

1:10:42

ruin the first fucking day of the vacation,

1:10:44

moping around, ruin it for my wife, you know?

1:10:47

So I sat down and I

1:10:50

had a really, really

1:10:51

cool FAA dude. And

1:10:56

you know, we went through the whole thing and you

1:10:58

know, I was getting a lot of questions, but I got,

1:11:00

I felt like I got a lot wrong too, but I got a lot

1:11:02

right. And and then

1:11:04

he finally, and I saw he was getting towards the end of

1:11:07

it and I was just going, I was going, Oh my God,

1:11:09

he's going to tell me I got to fucking take this over.

1:11:12

And which is embarrassing because your instructors

1:11:14

are there at the school. You're going to come walking out like

1:11:16

I failed and

1:11:19

we finished. And he goes, all right. He goes, that

1:11:21

was adequate. Let's go fly. And

1:11:23

I was thinking, I thought that was horrific. All right. So

1:11:26

we go out there and I'm thinking like, all right, now

1:11:28

I'm two thirds of the fucking way there. So

1:11:32

now we're walking out there. We're doing the pre flight.

1:11:36

And I was just thinking

1:11:38

of something my instructor said was just like, just,

1:11:41

you know,

1:11:42

slow, controlled movements. And

1:11:45

I just made that like my, my mission

1:11:48

statement that I was going to fly

1:11:51

controlled smoothly and as

1:11:53

much as I can just to demonstrate that

1:11:55

I had control of the aircraft. And

1:11:59

so we go up.

1:12:00

right and we

1:12:03

start and of course it's fucking hazy

1:12:05

as shit it's the most hazy goddamn

1:12:08

fucking day I've ever flown in I mean

1:12:12

I couldn't believe it was still like visual

1:12:15

flight rules like that's how fucking hazy it

1:12:17

was so the first thing we're doing was we're

1:12:19

flying up to this place Rose

1:12:21

Hills to do these

1:12:24

pinnacle landings which is basically

1:12:27

if you're

1:12:29

it's like you remember in mash when they were flying around the

1:12:31

Hollywood Hills and they'd find a patch of dirt to

1:12:33

land on that's what you got to do so you got

1:12:35

to do your high reconnaissance first and

1:12:38

you got to be talking out loud going all right it looks like

1:12:40

it's hard packed dirt sloping

1:12:42

down like four degrees I got trees

1:12:45

on this side the winds coming from

1:12:47

here Sun is not going to be a factor you gotta

1:12:49

be saying all of that shit

1:12:51

while you're maintaining your fucking altitude

1:12:53

which is you know not going up and down and that type of shit

1:12:55

which is you know it's not easy when you start out so

1:12:59

we started heading up there and I lucked out it was

1:13:01

so fucking hazy we ended up

1:13:04

you know

1:13:05

he goes turn around take me to Compton

1:13:08

Compton has an uncontrolled airport so I

1:13:11

turned back around I'm making my calls

1:13:14

and on the

1:13:16

radio and I think I'm doing all right and I'm thinking

1:13:18

like I've never gone to Compton this way

1:13:21

and I know

1:13:23

basically where it is I

1:13:25

fly out of Long Beach so I know how to get

1:13:27

it where I fly you know west Wardlow

1:13:30

departure and you follow this road and

1:13:32

you get to these oil tanks and you bang a right except

1:13:35

we're north of that shit so all

1:13:37

I'm doing is I'm looking for the fucking courthouse

1:13:39

so I'm trying to stay cool and I'm like if I can't find

1:13:42

this thing I'm gonna flunk this fucking thing and

1:13:44

we're coming through the haze and all of a sudden I just see

1:13:47

it sitting right over there and

1:13:51

we did a couple of maneuvers there

1:13:53

at one point I was so nervous I forgot to do a clearing

1:13:55

turn and he was all

1:13:57

right with that

1:14:00

I did a running landing.

1:14:04

That one went great. Running landing was basically

1:14:06

if you were coming in,

1:14:07

if you were at high density altitude, which

1:14:09

means the air is really thin, you wouldn't be

1:14:12

able to hold the hover. So

1:14:14

if you actually came in, your

1:14:16

normal approach, if you went to try to hold the hover,

1:14:18

you'd just basically crash. So

1:14:23

what you do is a running landing, which is you basically come

1:14:25

in like an airplane does.

1:14:26

It's actually one of my favorite things to do, maneuvers.

1:14:29

You put it down on the skids and you fucking slide

1:14:32

and you're gradually bringing the collective

1:14:34

down, which is the thing that looks like the emergency brake

1:14:36

that's your power. You're

1:14:38

just gradually bringing it down, creating

1:14:41

more and more friction as you stop and then you're steering

1:14:43

the nose with your feet. And

1:14:47

I did well on that

1:14:49

and

1:14:51

I thought I did anyways. He's not saying shit.

1:14:53

So he told me, because if I'm not saying

1:14:55

anything, that doesn't mean you're not doing

1:14:58

well, you're

1:14:59

doing fine. If

1:15:01

you see me writing down, I could

1:15:04

be taking a lunch order. He was real cool, really put

1:15:06

me at ease. So then I did

1:15:09

a normal approach and then I did a steep

1:15:12

approach. Then

1:15:14

we did the landing off airport shit

1:15:17

and then we did a hover auto. And the hover

1:15:20

auto is basically

1:15:22

if you were in a hover like eight feet off

1:15:24

the ground or so and

1:15:26

all of a sudden your engine and your drive

1:15:29

train system quit,

1:15:32

the engine quicks, it's going to kick it. The

1:15:35

nose is going to kick to the left and then you go right

1:15:37

pedal. It's pedal, settle,

1:15:40

cushion is what you're supposed to think. We

1:15:43

had just done the, which

1:15:45

is basically you go right pedal to get

1:15:47

your nose straight and then you settle,

1:15:50

you're dropping and right before you hit the ground, you

1:15:52

pull the collective up and that cushions

1:15:54

your landing.

1:15:56

So

1:15:58

fucking he does it. I'm thinking

1:16:00

pedal settle cushion and he

1:16:02

does it in the low RPM horn comes on and

1:16:04

I'm trained like a lab wrap to slam the collective

1:16:06

down. So I put the collective down and I was like, no, no,

1:16:09

no, up, up, up. We landed hard

1:16:11

and then he just goes, now, why would you do that? Why

1:16:13

would you do? I was like, sorry, man.

1:16:15

I go, I was nervous, man. Let me just,

1:16:17

you can ask him, like, let me, let me try that again. He goes,

1:16:19

all right, do it again. And then I nailed it the second

1:16:22

time. Then I was thinking like, I just fucking

1:16:24

flunked it. I just flunked it. I,

1:16:27

the way he said now, why would you do that? I

1:16:29

felt like I was going to pass you and

1:16:31

now I can't. So, um,

1:16:35

so then we got to do the last thing, the auto rotation.

1:16:38

So we fly around, we come in and

1:16:41

he

1:16:41

counts it down three, two, one. We

1:16:44

do it.

1:16:45

And, uh, for a lot

1:16:47

of the time, the fucking low RPM horn

1:16:49

was on, but I kept it.

1:16:51

But I wasn't losing. It was just underneath 97%

1:16:53

or whatever. 101% and

1:16:56

then I get it back up in and then I come back down or whatever.

1:16:59

And I, but I guess it was good

1:17:01

enough for whatever. So he goes, all right,

1:17:03

let's, but I didn't know. So

1:17:05

he goes, all right, let's go back to Long Beach.

1:17:08

So I'm thinking like,

1:17:10

uh, fuck, I just flunked it. Is it over? I don't know what's

1:17:12

going on. So we're flying back and I'm talking to the

1:17:14

guy and he's like a test pilot

1:17:16

for these things and he's telling me all these cool stories

1:17:18

and shit. And, uh,

1:17:22

at that point we flew over to Torrance.

1:17:24

We'd already in Torrance where I did the other half of that

1:17:26

shit. So I was just thinking to myself

1:17:28

on the way over there,

1:17:30

I was like, you know what? Even if I flunk this

1:17:32

fucking thing, how cool is it that I'm, I'm,

1:17:35

I'm doing a check ride in a fucking helicopter right now,

1:17:37

if you told me it's a year and a half ago, I wouldn't

1:17:41

believe it. Right. So fuck it. Just keep yourself

1:17:43

in that mindset. So we

1:17:45

ended up, we go back

1:17:48

to the, uh, the Long Beach

1:17:50

land over at Aeroplex, set it

1:17:52

down. Fuck it. Set it down real nice. And

1:17:55

he's not saying anything. And

1:17:58

I'm like, I'm not going. ask

1:18:00

him and then I'm thinking well ask him it's not

1:18:02

gonna change either way blah blah blah blah and

1:18:04

then I'm taking everything out and I left the key in the

1:18:06

ignition and I was like ah fuck because he

1:18:08

pointed he goes you left your key there I was like oh god

1:18:12

is that the tipping point what's going on so you

1:18:14

know put the wheels on it we wheeled the thing back

1:18:17

and then right as we start walking back in he

1:18:19

said all right you passed and

1:18:21

I couldn't fucking believe it

1:18:23

I couldn't believe it so

1:18:26

there you go

1:18:28

that was my

1:18:31

that was my Saturday morning old

1:18:34

freckles is officially a

1:18:37

licensed pilot

1:18:38

and I am I am licensed

1:18:41

to fly helicopters up

1:18:45

to 12,500 pounds how fucking

1:18:50

cool is that huh so

1:18:52

anyways I

1:18:55

tonight I know what you think it's what you do but you're gonna

1:18:57

go fly around it's like no I'm not I'm

1:19:00

gonna go take the advanced auto rotation class

1:19:02

because I

1:19:04

don't think my reaction time I didn't

1:19:06

like it with the low RPM horn

1:19:09

I didn't think it was quick enough and I want

1:19:11

to get like you take that one like the

1:19:13

low RPM

1:19:14

that I have to do now to pass my test I

1:19:17

just had to take it down to the flare

1:19:19

which is basically you know 40 feet off the ground

1:19:22

gentle a cyclic and you basically

1:19:24

killing your airspeed and your descent and

1:19:26

you basically stop in the air and

1:19:28

then that's when we roll back on the throttle we fly

1:19:30

away the advance you got to take it all the way

1:19:32

to the ground so then you actually come

1:19:35

in lower and

1:19:36

then as you drop

1:19:38

down then you just like the havarado

1:19:40

you pull the fucking collective to cushion it

1:19:43

and I've watched these guys do it they're fucking amazing

1:19:45

at it and it's like I want to be able

1:19:47

to do that

1:19:48

if I can if I can fucking do

1:19:50

that then I'll start flying around the LA basin

1:19:53

so those of

1:19:55

you thinking like Billy right you fucking mind I'm taking

1:19:57

it really seriously and

1:19:59

So I'm going to pass that class and get 200 hours

1:20:02

under my belt before I ever

1:20:04

take anybody up I know. But

1:20:07

I still can't fucking believe it. I can't fucking

1:20:09

believe it. And that great thing now is that fucking

1:20:12

goddamn weight

1:20:14

is off of my chest.

1:20:16

I passed it.

1:20:18

And my instructor told me, he goes, this is the biggest hill

1:20:20

to climb as far as like just getting your license,

1:20:23

getting through just starting from fucking

1:20:25

zero and getting all the way up there. And

1:20:28

I know getting instrument rated sounds like it's a motherfucker

1:20:30

too. It's like 40 fucking hours of that shit. I

1:20:33

don't know about that one. So anyways,

1:20:35

I hope I didn't bore you with that.

1:20:39

Let me I got to read some of the

1:20:41

the advertising here.

1:20:42

I'll do

1:20:44

it. I'm so fucking relieved that

1:20:47

I passed. Thank fucking God.

1:20:50

Thank God. If I didn't pass

1:20:52

that thing, then I'd have all of June to be sitting

1:20:54

there thinking about it and trying to cram in lessons.

1:20:56

Thank God.

1:20:57

All right. How many more of these fucking things are

1:21:00

there? There's

1:21:03

two more. All right. We'll do

1:21:05

two and two. How about that? All right. So

1:21:07

anyways, I was reading another fucking thing. You know, I talked to how the baby

1:21:09

seals are washing up on the

1:21:13

the shores of the west coast because the oceans are

1:21:16

fished out. Now on the east coast

1:21:19

of the United States, you got fucking a

1:21:21

bunch of turtles

1:21:23

are just dying off because there's something like this

1:21:25

too much because the temperature went up. There's

1:21:28

too much algae in the water, which creates something and

1:21:31

which just

1:21:32

gets into the fucking turtle shells.

1:21:35

It gets some infected and actually paralyzes

1:21:37

them and they just drown and they fucking die.

1:21:40

And

1:21:43

I'm telling you, I think I finally

1:21:45

figured out why they never addressed

1:21:47

the population problem.

1:21:50

And it's basically because the upper 1% does

1:21:53

not view it as a problem. They view it as

1:21:55

an opportunity to

1:21:57

make more money.

1:21:59

to hoard water and do all of that shit. I

1:22:02

was watching this thing on the plane about cities

1:22:04

of the future that they're making. I

1:22:06

mean, it's apt, like the whole fucking thing is total

1:22:08

big brother. They're saying everybody

1:22:11

is gonna start migrating towards the cities.

1:22:13

And you have like fucking 8 zillion people living in the

1:22:15

city. Who's gonna live out in the country?

1:22:18

You know, those fat cat rich people.

1:22:21

And you know what, eventually it's gonna come, it's gonna happen that

1:22:23

it's gonna be illegal for a regular person to

1:22:25

fucking go out into the country. He gonna

1:22:27

be shot on sight.

1:22:29

It's insane. If

1:22:34

they really wanted to be responsible, what they

1:22:36

would be doing would be encouraging people to have

1:22:38

less children. Let's level

1:22:41

off at 7 billion people and

1:22:43

let's try to dial it back. You

1:22:45

know, dial it down. Everybody has one

1:22:48

fucking kid. And then the people

1:22:50

who don't have kids are people who die or people

1:22:53

who can't have kids or gay people,

1:22:55

right? You know, it'll

1:22:57

actually cut off more than a half.

1:23:01

The way I look at it, right? With one

1:23:03

generation could cut itself in half. And

1:23:05

then the next generation cuts itself in half

1:23:08

and the next one cuts itself in half, right?

1:23:10

And then after, you know, the older generations

1:23:13

that had three or four, they all die off. If

1:23:15

you have like a string of four generations

1:23:17

that all had one kid, you can go from 7 billion

1:23:20

all the way down to 3 1 half million.

1:23:22

I think my math is correct on that. I don't fucking

1:23:24

know.

1:23:25

But they don't bring it up. They don't.

1:23:27

They just fucking figure out new ways to corral

1:23:29

people and we're gonna be eating powdered

1:23:31

food. It's fucking,

1:23:34

it's terrible, man. I don't

1:23:37

have anything fucking funny to say about it. Let's

1:23:39

go to something funny. Let's talk about

1:23:41

soccer.

1:23:43

Speaking of billions of goddamn people,

1:23:46

all right? Everybody in America doesn't give a fuck

1:23:48

about soccer. You know what's funny? Because that

1:23:50

FIFO or FIFA, whatever the fuck they're called,

1:23:52

the FIFA, the

1:23:55

ruling governing body of world soccer,

1:23:57

World Cup soccer, I don't even know

1:23:59

what. I'm American, I don't give a shit, right?

1:24:02

I really don't. I've finally

1:24:04

given up on that sport. I've sat

1:24:06

down, I tried to fucking watch it. It's

1:24:09

so fucking boring and the crying

1:24:11

and laying on. I know, I've said it a zillion times.

1:24:14

I can't, like if I'm in England or something like that, if there's a Premier League

1:24:16

game and I go there, I go to

1:24:19

the game

1:24:20

and I'm sucking down some beers, then I could

1:24:22

get into it. They're singing songs

1:24:24

and shit and I just, I don't know, whatever. It's like you're in

1:24:26

a pub with no seats, right? That's basically what's happening.

1:24:29

Well, they are, but you never sit down in it.

1:24:31

So anyways, they're in trouble.

1:24:35

First of all, this is how

1:24:38

big soccer is, by the way. Football, let me have some respect

1:24:40

here. Call it by its real name, football.

1:24:43

All right, for all the fellow Americans that listen to this shit,

1:24:46

this is how big World Cup soccer is. They

1:24:50

had some big championship

1:24:52

match recently that wasn't the World Cup, or maybe it was the World

1:24:54

Cup. Let's just say it was the World Cup.

1:24:58

The worldwide viewership was 3.5 billion. It

1:25:04

was like half the planet. They got a 50 share

1:25:08

on the planet. All

1:25:10

right? And they, I was listening to something on NPR,

1:25:13

like to put that into perspective. The

1:25:15

Super Bowl had 150 million viewers.

1:25:20

So if you're looking at it like a TV show, the Super

1:25:22

Bowl would get canceled. It'd be an absolute fucking flop. So

1:25:24

that's how big this

1:25:27

sport is, and that's how big that fucking league

1:25:29

is. So, surprise, surprise,

1:25:32

there's a lot

1:25:34

of people jockeying to

1:25:37

get the championship game in their country. There's

1:25:39

a lot of people jockeying to get the fucking

1:25:42

TV rights. So there's a lot of payola.

1:25:45

There's a lot of kickbacks. There's a lot of coke. There's

1:25:47

a lot of horse. Surprise,

1:25:49

surprise. So here's the funniest fucking

1:25:51

thing.

1:25:52

Is there being prosecutors, some of

1:25:54

them, like nine of them got busted,

1:25:57

and one network executive has taken

1:25:59

off the phone.

1:25:59

fall for an entire fucking network,

1:26:02

just hilarious to me.

1:26:06

I'd love to see what his payoff

1:26:09

is after he goes to that fucking

1:26:13

white collar jail. It's probably

1:26:15

the same place where they play Wimbledon, right? And

1:26:19

the United States Department of Justice

1:26:21

is the one pressing charges.

1:26:23

And I'm thinking like, what in the fuck? How

1:26:25

are we involved in this shit? We don't even like the game.

1:26:28

This is just gonna be another reason for people to fucking

1:26:30

hate us. But I guess they did all their

1:26:32

shit with American banks. So

1:26:35

it fell under our jurisdiction. So

1:26:38

not only do we not give a fuck about the game,

1:26:40

we're now gonna sit there and break

1:26:42

their fucking balls about

1:26:45

corruption, you know what I mean? Because we don't tolerate

1:26:48

corruption here in the United States. Everything's

1:26:52

above board over here. Hang on,

1:26:54

I gotta blow my nose, I apologize.

1:26:58

Yeah, it's the stupidest

1:27:01

shit ever. Like

1:27:03

there's a fucking zillion dollars at stake.

1:27:07

Obviously, there's gonna be whores, there's gonna

1:27:09

be drugs, there's gonna be a lot

1:27:12

of underhanded shit going on, but nobody got killed,

1:27:15

right? The only thing that

1:27:17

really I thought was fucked up was they've been accused

1:27:19

of fixing a couple of games. I

1:27:22

thought that that was fucked up.

1:27:24

Although if it's down on a worldwide level,

1:27:27

you do it in some shit-bum country. And

1:27:30

I know you're not supposed to say that, but the fact that

1:27:32

I haven't named a shit-bum country, can't

1:27:34

we all agree that there are shit-bum countries? You

1:27:37

know what I mean? Because for all you know, I'm not talking about yoke. There's

1:27:40

just like, you know

1:27:42

what I mean? There's nice cars and there's

1:27:44

cars that's just like, this really isn't a car, this

1:27:47

is a shit box. This was not done correctly.

1:27:49

You know what I mean?

1:27:52

The physics of it, it's still fucking working. Look,

1:27:54

I'm not saying the trees aren't beautiful. I'm

1:27:56

not saying the people aren't beautiful. I'm just saying

1:27:58

the way the whole fucking thing.

1:27:59

set up or if it's being

1:28:02

crushed by

1:28:04

more powerful nations. I'll

1:28:07

give you a pass. Shit, I fucked up a hover auto.

1:28:09

That guy gave me a pass. I can't give you a country. You

1:28:11

know what the fuck I'm saying. There's

1:28:14

two shitty-ass fucking teens playing each

1:28:16

other.

1:28:18

You know what I mean? To make it interesting, let's

1:28:20

fix the game. I don't fucking know.

1:28:22

I'm just embarrassed that we're involved in it. And

1:28:24

I also think it's fucking hilarious. Huh?

1:28:28

The rest of the world, you bunch of scumbags,

1:28:31

can't even run a fucking legitimate league like

1:28:34

we do here in the United States, the National Football League. There's

1:28:36

an upstanding league. It's

1:28:40

all fucking corrupt. It's

1:28:43

all corrupt. We

1:28:45

take money from fucking cancer to

1:28:47

buy yachts and act like we're fucking helping our people who

1:28:50

are sick, you know, those fucking

1:28:52

cunts over here in France, what do they do, right? The

1:28:55

whole fucking bike thing is filthy

1:28:58

from top to bottom. Lance Armstrong figures it out,

1:29:00

goes,

1:29:01

all right, that's how the game's played. I'm going to

1:29:03

play it better than anybody else. Those fucking assholes,

1:29:05

they couldn't catch them. They had to wait till 10 years

1:29:07

later where they froze his fucking urine or some shit, because

1:29:10

they finally had to test advanced enough to catch the guy.

1:29:15

I actually feel like the statute

1:29:17

of limitations sort of run out on that. I don't mind corruption

1:29:19

in sports, unless

1:29:21

you're like, you know, it's unless

1:29:23

you're like fixing the

1:29:25

game, you

1:29:26

know what I mean? If you're actually fixing the outcome of

1:29:28

the game, then that bugs me. But as far as like

1:29:30

performance enhancing drugs and

1:29:33

like cycling, I don't give a shit.

1:29:35

All right. These people are riding a bicycle 60

1:29:38

miles an hour up and down a fucking mountain. They're

1:29:40

obviously on something and everybody's on

1:29:42

something.

1:29:43

All right. They're all on something.

1:29:46

At that point, it becomes fair.

1:29:51

I think, and I say, let them do the drugs.

1:29:54

Let them do the drugs. Let's see the side effects. Let's

1:29:57

adjust them. And then once it's all safe.

1:30:00

Give it a meek. Give it to a guy like

1:30:02

me. Right? I'm turning 47

1:30:04

in a few weeks. I'd love to

1:30:06

get this spring in my step back. You

1:30:09

know? I wish it

1:30:11

was steroids for your hair. Wouldn't that be amazing?

1:30:14

If you had like, like fucking Mark Maguire, like

1:30:17

his forearms, you had that level hair.

1:30:19

Every once in a while, I'll see a guy like that, like my age with hair like

1:30:21

that, and it's just like, ah dude, you got no fucking

1:30:23

idea how fucking lucky you are, you motherfucker.

1:30:27

All right, let me read some of the questions

1:30:29

here for this week. We're

1:30:32

going to have to do 41 minutes here. All right. Sinatra

1:30:35

comparison. Hey, Billy Big Leagues. Uh-uh.

1:30:37

This week on Billy Checkride. Oh,

1:30:40

Billy Big Day. I recall a few

1:30:42

months back, you mentioned Frank Sinatra

1:30:44

at the end of his career. Well,

1:30:46

driving down Highway 80, I saw a billboard

1:30:49

for the Silver Legacy Casino in

1:30:51

Reno with you

1:30:53

and Frank Sinatra Jr. sharing

1:30:55

the same weekend as well

1:30:57

as the same billboard. Oh man, I'd love to meet

1:30:59

the guy.

1:31:00

Maybe this will drive you further to

1:31:03

become that slumlord you've always dreamed about

1:31:05

being after you retire from comedy.

1:31:09

I'll try to take a picture of it

1:31:10

the next time I pass it. Can't wait to see you

1:31:12

in Sacramento. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh,

1:31:15

that's hilarious.

1:31:17

Yeah, I told you guys that story, like the

1:31:19

way Sinatra retired

1:31:21

the right way

1:31:22

the first time.

1:31:25

And whatever that line he had that ended

1:31:27

that song, he was standing in the spotlight.

1:31:31

It was something like, excuse me while I,

1:31:33

something step aside or something, and he just steps

1:31:36

out of the light and that was it.

1:31:38

And he was gone. And it's like, that's the way you fucking

1:31:40

do it. But he kept coming back and then

1:31:42

just, you know. And that was

1:31:44

Sinatra. Sinatra had to make a comeback.

1:31:47

So I understand how this

1:31:49

fucking,

1:31:51

this business works, like how quickly

1:31:53

they forget about, you know, that type of shit. So having said

1:31:55

all that, I would

1:31:57

love to meet Frank Sinatra Jr. I

1:32:00

wonder

1:32:00

if I can do that when I'm out there. Well,

1:32:03

you know what? Actually, in Reno, it has one

1:32:05

of my favorite stores in the country.

1:32:08

It's Bizarre Guitar

1:32:10

and Gun Shop. I told you about this. The

1:32:13

same guy owns it. It's a strip mall, two stores.

1:32:15

One side is this sick ass place

1:32:17

with all these guns, every gun you've seen from every

1:32:19

fucking Stallone movie back in the day. Awesome

1:32:23

guns. And then the other one is Guitars. And you

1:32:25

walk in the guitar place, it looks like a normal

1:32:27

place, but downstairs is where

1:32:29

he has his real collection, this giant fucking

1:32:32

safe. He has the third Fender guitar ever

1:32:34

made.

1:32:36

There was millions

1:32:39

and millions of dollars worth of vintage

1:32:41

guitars downstairs. So

1:32:44

I'm a big fan of Reno. I am a big

1:32:46

fan of Reno. I actually like it better

1:32:48

than Vegas. I

1:32:51

don't know why. I'm just one of those fucking people. I

1:32:55

like those kinds of cities better.

1:32:58

The ones that are still trying. So they're

1:33:00

the ones that are like, yeah, we're the shit. Everything's

1:33:02

a fuck over. Go fuck yourself. You know what

1:33:05

I mean? It's hilarious

1:33:07

to say. I like those kinds of things as I'm sitting here in Paris.

1:33:10

All right, Periscope. Hey, dear Billy

1:33:12

Gates. I'm

1:33:14

sure it's fucking annoying having people stick

1:33:16

their phone in your face for the people watching

1:33:19

on Periscope. That being said, I think you

1:33:21

would kill it on there. Just once or twice

1:33:23

a week, you should go on and rev your

1:33:25

truck engine while hollowing in your southern

1:33:27

accent or pester the shit out

1:33:29

of Mia.

1:33:30

It's Nia with an N people

1:33:33

and the lovely Nia. Like

1:33:38

Axl Rose. Shana, nana, nana, knees.

1:33:43

Pester the shit out of Nia while she's trying

1:33:45

to read a book.

1:33:48

Love the podcast. Now,

1:33:50

Periscope, this is why I don't like Periscope. Periscope

1:33:53

is like so like

1:33:54

people just walk in like comics are doing

1:33:56

that now. They just walk in with it

1:33:59

on. like hey, walking backstage

1:34:02

at the comedy store. It's like, dude, shut that fucking

1:34:04

thing off. It's like if you wanna

1:34:06

turn your life into a TV show, you know, more

1:34:08

power to you. But like,

1:34:11

you know, everybody's chilling out here. It's

1:34:13

like I wanna do this podcast. I decide

1:34:15

what the fuck I'm gonna tell you about and what I'm not gonna

1:34:17

tell you about. And what

1:34:20

I'm gonna leave and what I'm gonna take out, in case you didn't understand

1:34:22

what I just said previously. I literally

1:34:24

just said the same thing two times in a row. Whatever, I

1:34:26

don't have my headphones on. My

1:34:28

headphones are like my fucking lightsaber. It's my

1:34:30

security blanket. I don't have them on. I'm feeling

1:34:32

naked, okay? I'm feeling very fragile.

1:34:38

For someone else to just come walking in, it's

1:34:40

fucking annoying as shit. And

1:34:44

I advocate the, we

1:34:46

gotta come up with something for people who

1:34:48

don't like Periscope. I don't

1:34:50

know what to call it, but here's a working title,

1:34:52

the Periscope Slap, which

1:34:54

is basically somebody comes in

1:34:56

and with their phone and they're holding it up to

1:34:58

their face, you just fucking slap it right down

1:35:01

to the floor, right? And then you do

1:35:03

Bruce Lee's finishing move when he kills him,

1:35:05

which is a stomp and then a twist. And

1:35:07

you gotta do the, whoa, when you do

1:35:10

it. Be perfect, then somebody

1:35:12

else films that, right? No,

1:35:14

don't film it, because then they'll have evidence. You

1:35:18

should do, or just, you know what I mean? Or you

1:35:20

walk around with a water bottle. You

1:35:23

know, you know what you do for like a fucking cat that won't get off

1:35:25

the couch. When somebody comes in just doing Periscope

1:35:28

without asking you, you just fucking, you

1:35:30

just spray the water, ruin their phone.

1:35:32

Something like that. I advocate, I

1:35:35

mean, last week I advocated killing your boss. I

1:35:37

actually felt bad about that, because I just thought about it. Like,

1:35:39

what if somebody actually went out and did it?

1:35:42

The world is so fucked up, I could actually

1:35:44

get sued

1:35:46

and be like, you know, it was irresponsible,

1:35:48

blah, blah, blah, it's like,

1:35:50

yeah, you don't think that that person's a maniac,

1:35:52

listens to a podcast, like, hey, go commit a murder.

1:35:55

And then they go, okay,

1:35:56

okay, you told me to do

1:35:58

it. You owe me money. Yeah,

1:36:03

don't kill your boss, but I advocate

1:36:05

slapping the fucking phone out of somebody's hand.

1:36:08

Slap it right down to the ground, stomp on it, twist it, knowing

1:36:11

full well that you're going to have to pay for it, but you're

1:36:14

just preserving your privacy. There's

1:36:17

got to be a politically correct way to say it. You're

1:36:20

a privacy warrior. Sorry.

1:36:23

Oh, fuck you. You come up with a

1:36:25

goddamn name for it. All right.

1:36:29

You know

1:36:30

what's funny? It's my wife's birthday. Tomorrow

1:36:33

is her birthday,

1:36:34

and she's a fucking smarty

1:36:36

pants, and she always figures out what the fuck I get her.

1:36:39

This year, I totally threw her off.

1:36:42

Totally fucking threw her off. She's

1:36:44

got no fucking clue where I'm going to take

1:36:47

her, what I'm going to do. Well, she

1:36:49

knows it's somewhere in Paris, but she has no idea. Right

1:36:51

now, this might be a lie. This might be a lie just

1:36:54

in case one of you cunts decides to tweet, oh,

1:36:56

Bill's going to do something fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

1:36:58

to her. You don't even know what the fuck I'm doing.

1:37:01

All right.

1:37:02

I can tell you right now, I only have 50% of

1:37:04

an idea what the fuck I'm going to do.

1:37:06

All right. So don't even try to figure it out. All

1:37:09

right.

1:37:10

It's fucking useless. So it's a waste

1:37:12

of your time.

1:37:13

Favorite music video.

1:37:16

Downtown Billy Brown. Nice fucking reference.

1:37:20

I absolutely fucking love downtown Judy

1:37:23

Brown. I had the biggest fucking crush on her. When

1:37:25

I first moved to New York in

1:37:28

like 95, 96, I went

1:37:30

to some benefit thing, this

1:37:33

hoity toity thing where my manager at the time

1:37:36

knew a bigger manager who was managing

1:37:38

a big comic. And we got the

1:37:40

tag along and I went there and she was standing

1:37:42

just hanging out at the thing. She

1:37:44

was fucking gorgeous.

1:37:46

Fucking gorgeous. All right.

1:37:49

Too early to get into comedy. No

1:37:51

such thing, sir. Dear Bill, I'm 17

1:37:53

and just did my first open mic at a coffee

1:37:56

shop. I got a few laughs and a few awkward

1:37:58

silences.

1:37:59

But overall,

1:38:01

I enjoyed it. I really want to

1:38:03

go

1:38:04

to a comedy club soon so I don't have to

1:38:06

be so selective about my words.

1:38:09

Any advice to someone

1:38:11

this young looking to get into this? P.S.

1:38:14

I know bombing is part of the process. Problem

1:38:17

is I have paper-thin skin. Does

1:38:19

your hide thicken up after a while

1:38:22

of bombing? All right, two things.

1:38:24

Any advice on somebody looking

1:38:27

to get into this? Dude, you're already into it.

1:38:31

It's like you just shot heroin and now you're

1:38:33

asking me about heroin. You already did it. Now

1:38:36

you're hooked and you already want to go

1:38:38

down to a comedy club. You started at 17.

1:38:40

That's not too early. That's

1:38:43

fucking great.

1:38:44

And don't listen to the fucking older people who are jealous

1:38:46

and be like, dude, you're You

1:38:48

got nothing to talk about. You got nothing to talk about. And

1:38:50

then watch them go on stage and see what the fuck they're talking

1:38:52

about.

1:38:54

Doing shit jokes. Wait,

1:38:57

am I talking about myself? Don't

1:39:00

listen to them.

1:39:01

All right. This

1:39:03

is the deal. You're young and there's going to

1:39:05

be a lot of people fucking jealous.

1:39:08

Okay. And then there's if you're a guy, there's

1:39:10

going to be a couple of old fucking lady

1:39:12

comics that are going to try to bang you. Stay away from

1:39:15

them. If you're a female, you

1:39:21

know, just stay away from anybody who

1:39:24

tells jokes because they're all going to try to

1:39:26

bang you. So fucking

1:39:28

it's a job.

1:39:30

Go down there and get better at it. Surround

1:39:32

yourself with positive, motivated people that you

1:39:34

feel are going to make it. And

1:39:36

they're not doing this just fucking around. And

1:39:39

you

1:39:40

guys will all feed off of each other's drive.

1:39:44

That's what happened to me in Boston when I started.

1:39:46

I started with Dane and Patrice O'Neill. Rest

1:39:48

of soul. And

1:39:51

we were down at

1:39:53

Nick's Comedy Stop down on Warrington

1:39:55

Street in Boston. We were down there every

1:39:58

fucking night. unless we

1:40:01

had a gig elsewhere and even then a lot

1:40:03

of times we would drive back in there we were there

1:40:06

every fucking night

1:40:08

and I

1:40:12

remember one of the great compliments I got when

1:40:14

I first started out this guy came walking in and

1:40:17

I was like and I was already there you know writing

1:40:19

down my jokes and he looked at me said dude you are everywhere

1:40:22

and it's just like yeah yeah

1:40:24

I am so that's what you got to be dude

1:40:26

and you can't just do like club comedy

1:40:28

clubs you got to do stand up any way

1:40:30

you can and as far as bombing

1:40:33

yes it is part of the process every

1:40:35

you know I had a paper thin skin

1:40:37

I was shy I was introverted

1:40:40

I had all of that and it

1:40:42

just was fucking all when you were

1:40:44

bombing it was just ah just

1:40:46

sucks it just sucks in the beginning but

1:40:51

the same way you learn how to kill you're gonna learn how to

1:40:53

bomb and you learn how to how

1:40:56

to like

1:40:59

have hold your hold

1:41:02

your ground

1:41:03

and you'll have

1:41:04

you'll have poise while

1:41:06

bombing and then when you get to a really high level

1:41:09

of bombing is you'll you'll

1:41:11

be begin to understand if you're bombing because

1:41:13

if it's your fault if

1:41:16

it's the crowd's fault

1:41:18

if it's the setup if it's half the

1:41:20

crowd half you if it's 60% you and that

1:41:23