0:03

Hey, what's going on?

0:05

It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon,

0:07

just before Friday, Monday

0:10

morning podcast. And I'm

0:12

just checking in on you.

0:17

Seeing how you're doing. How

0:20

are you? Yeah,

0:23

you having a tough day? I

0:27

had a tough day this morning. Jesus.

0:31

I fucking go out to get a cup of coffee, right?

0:34

Because what else am I going to do? Grow

0:37

as a person? You

0:39

know? Am I going to challenge

0:41

myself to be a better man? Am

0:44

I going to get out of my comfort zone? No.

0:47

I'm going to go to the same fucking coffee shop, get

0:50

the same fucking coffee I always get.

0:52

Because it makes me feel safe. So

0:56

I get myself a cup of coffee, right?

0:59

I get my wife her latte. Made

1:02

sure I get her latte, because you know, that's what you do.

1:05

Hey, honey, what do you, what would you like? You know? And

1:07

then, oh, he's thinking about me. And then they fucking

1:10

lay off for

1:12

a couple of hours. Nia's

1:16

over in the corner, so I'm going to be talking a lot of shit

1:18

about her until she comes over.

1:21

And what happens? Oh,

1:23

fucking Billy Goodheart. Oh,

1:27

Willie trying to do the right thing. I

1:29

fucking come home and then I realize, oh, fuck,

1:31

I was supposed to bring my car in for service. I

1:34

forgot to do that.

1:35

So I get the coffees to go. What

1:38

the fuck are you doing making a coffee to go? It

1:41

was a fucking joke. I make it to go.

1:45

I bring it home. And then I'm going to

1:47

go bring my car over for service. Right?

1:50

And I go to the dealership. I don't give a fuck. I'm

1:52

like, you know, this fucking Uber driver just gave me a whole lecture.

1:54

Why? Why you bring two dealership? They charge

1:57

you more fucking money. Well, you know what? Because

1:59

they used to fucking.

1:59

right parts. They

2:02

got the manual in there or not, not at

2:04

torque it down or some shit. I'm

2:08

not going to some boot like just some fucking satellite

2:12

school. Right?

2:15

I go to Harvard road fucking Rhode

2:17

Island. You know, they do that shit like those, those adjacent

2:20

schools. Like I'm not doing that with the mechanic

2:22

because the guy's going to tell me that he's using

2:25

genuine forward fucking parts.

2:27

How the fuck do I know? I don't know where to look.

2:31

You use all four parts? Oh yeah, buddy. Yeah, they're

2:33

right under the hood. Thank

2:35

you. You know, I'm not doing that. I'm not going to

2:37

jiffy loop. You know, those fucking people.

2:41

All right.

2:42

Those people live in the sewer. That's why they don't

2:44

mind being underneath the car all fucking day, right? They

2:46

got them standing there. They come out at

2:48

night to feed and then right at the end before

2:51

they go to bed, they change the oil and lube your cars.

2:53

That's what they do. That's how they make their money to

2:56

buy a little fucking burlap sack to sleep on

2:58

inside the sewer systems of our great cities here

3:00

in America.

3:01

And what happens is, is there's, you know, they're

3:03

nighttime people. They're nocturnal.

3:06

So when they're working on your car, half the time

3:08

they forget half the time built. Well, I've heard that

3:10

they forgot. And then you drive down the street and your engine ceases.

3:12

So I go to the fucking dealership. All

3:15

right. I go to get my fucking car to go

3:17

to the goddamn dealership and I'll, you know, I'm driving

3:19

down the street and I'm feeling this

3:21

weird pulling to one side and then this

3:24

tire pressure. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. I got

3:26

a fucking flat. So

3:28

I was close enough to my house. I drove back and

3:31

I'm going around the car and they don't look flat.

3:33

So I'm like, what the fuck? So I get in

3:35

the car, I go down the road again, same thing happens.

3:38

I'm like, Jesus Christ, do I need this? Have

3:40

a total fucking meltdown. FaceTime

3:42

my wife who's in the house who got

3:44

her latte, who was thinking that she married the

3:46

right man. So what do I do? What do

3:48

I do that with the real estate that I gained? I give it right

3:51

back and throw a fucking pick six. And

3:53

I call her up and fucking have a meltdown, you

3:55

know, bad enough to do it. Just a regular phone call.

3:57

I did it in FaceTime. So it was like I was

3:59

in. the room. It was like I was haunting her life.

4:02

I wasn't even there yet. I was there, right? So

4:06

I call up AAA and those cunts, right?

4:10

Now it's just like, we sent you a virtual

4:12

text to make it fucking easier. It's not to

4:14

make it easier. It's so you can make more money.

4:17

Give me a fucking person. So of course

4:20

I opt out of that and I wait to get a

4:22

person on and then

4:24

I fucking, I get the whole thing

4:26

scheduled. And then I'm like,

4:28

let me fucking try this one more time. I drive down the

4:30

street and nothing happens. It's totally

4:32

fucking fine. So then I have to call, I fucking

4:34

cancel it. They're like, are you sure you want

4:36

to cancel it?

4:39

It's like, did I come off wishy washy

4:41

when I fucking talked to your computer the last

4:43

time? Yes, cancel it.

4:45

And then I brought it over there and now

4:47

it's being, now they have to look at the system

4:49

that for some reason thought I had a flat tire

4:52

and I didn't. I'll tell you what fucking annoys me

4:55

is I know how to change a goddamn tire and I know

4:57

how to change oil. It's just that the

4:59

Jack that they give

5:01

you and they have it bolted down and

5:03

it's, I don't even know what the fuck it is. It's like

5:05

a Jack adjacent, you

5:08

know, that little tree stand and then they give you that little fucking

5:10

curved piece of

5:12

pipe that's supposed to start up like a fucking

5:15

car in the 1920s. I

5:18

got to get a real Jack. You know

5:20

what I mean? I used to have that one, you know, back in the day, I

5:22

have a real Jack and then I had a piece of pipe

5:25

to give myself leverage back

5:27

when I had my 83 Ford Ranger.

5:31

Right?

5:32

So that was basically my morning and now I'm back

5:35

and now I'm doing the podcast. Hey Nia,

5:37

do you want to come over? No.

5:41

No. What? You and I are interacting

5:46

on my Instagram from now on. What

5:48

do you mean? I am officially,

5:51

wait, should I make an announcement?

5:52

You are not officially residing.

5:54

Well then I'm not taking pictures of

5:56

your stupid fucking food anymore. Really?

6:00

How's it gonna go? Well

6:02

first of all, I like this partnership. Huh?

6:05

I like you. And I like when you come on the podcast.

6:08

The people like you. Give the people what they want.

6:10

Hi people.

6:11

So I was gonna announce my official

6:14

like, resignation from the podcast. But your man

6:16

wants it. You hear that?

6:20

He wants it. Why are you acting

6:22

like people don't love you on the podcast? Oh, you know. I've

6:26

heard some things. Oh,

6:29

have you heard some things? Well guess what? I've

6:31

heard some things on something that I have out right

6:33

now that I can't promote.

6:36

And I've literally heard everything from

6:38

like, you know, this is a borish

6:41

piece of shit. It's not even a fucking movie.

6:44

That was the extreme left. I

6:46

just said movie. I guess I must of said

6:47

it. Project. Project. All

6:50

the way to the left. And then the extreme right

6:53

is going oh my god,

6:55

it's so hard to watch him give into Hollywood

6:58

woke fucking politics.

7:01

But Nia, I don't give a fuck about those people. I give

7:03

a fuck about the people in the middle who just watched it and said

7:05

it was funny. Exactly. That's it. The

7:07

people with taste. Ooh!

7:09

Yeah! No,

7:12

cause some in the middle didn't like it, but I don't give a fuck. Right.

7:14

It's like, you know, we

7:17

live in a fucking world now. You're literally politicizing

7:19

a stupid comedy project.

7:22

Comedy project. Also,

7:24

you're Bill

7:25

Burr. You know what I

7:27

mean? You have a

7:28

tendency to divide the masses. I think

7:30

that's great. No, I don't. You don't think

7:32

so? No. No,

7:34

not at all. No, all they do is report

7:36

on the fucking 18 people all the way to

7:38

the left or the 18 people all the way to the right.

7:41

That's all true. Yeah. That's true. You know what it's

7:43

like Nia? It's like countries talking

7:46

about other countries. Oh boy.

7:48

Yeah, they do the same thing. All these

7:51

fucking people are assholes and all these people

7:53

are cool. Now, most

7:56

people are cool. It's just

7:58

the extremist cunts. That's all you have to get.

7:59

rid of, Nia.

8:01

The extremist goddamn

8:03

cunts. That's what we're gonna call your next special.

8:05

Extremist cunts. I'm running for office. Oh,

8:08

God. I'm gonna drain the swamp

8:10

of extremist cunts. I'm gonna be the first lady.

8:13

Nia, this

8:17

is a fantasy. You know what I mean? Ooh.

8:20

Yeah. I'll tell you that. This fantasy

8:22

is, I don't have to fucking deal with you giving me shit.

8:24

Tell me to work on my temper when I'm in the White

8:26

House. I'm trying to run, I'm trying to run a country

8:29

here.

8:29

You think that if we were in the

8:31

White House that I wouldn't continue to call

8:33

you to the fucking carpet for all your bullshit

8:36

and your antics? You

8:37

think that's gonna stop me? Well, that's what you're supposed to do.

8:39

Never. Never. As my partner

8:41

you're supposed to do that, but like that goes both ways. It absolutely

8:44

goes both ways. Oh, yeah,

8:46

it does. Doesn't it? It does. It does.

8:48

It does. It does. All right. So you work

8:50

on your shit and I work on my shit.

8:52

Is this what you got me onto the podcast for? To

8:55

be combative with me? I mean,

8:57

yeah. Well, you just stuck yourself in the White

8:59

House with me. That was my fantasy.

9:02

Why wouldn't I be in the White House too? Why wouldn't I be? Because

9:04

maybe I'm gonna be the first single president

9:07

in a long time. It would never happen.

9:09

Philly Playboy coming in there. I

9:12

got a meeting with a fucking J.Lo

9:15

this week to talk about fat

9:17

kids in this country. Don't

9:21

you bring my beautiful J.Lo into this. I

9:24

don't even know why I picked her. I

9:26

don't know why either. I mean, all right. Could I could I

9:28

could. At the last inauguration. Maybe that's

9:30

why you thought of her.

9:32

She sang at the ignored inauguration.

9:35

She did. Yeah.

9:39

And

9:40

that's all

9:43

I'm going to say. Why would you do that?

9:45

I don't understand. I don't understand.

9:48

So I'm very, I'm very pro pro J.Lo.

9:52

I get it. And for a van, you know what your

9:55

ESPN is? It's like celebrity

9:57

websites. Well, I

9:59

can. You know, I sit there and I like, I watch

10:02

sports and I get into this stupid

10:04

shit. Oh, this is one of your like, super

10:06

over-sympathetic analogies. By the way,

10:09

Bill- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize following celebrities

10:11

was so fucking deep. No,

10:12

you're not deep because you're the

10:14

one that's always going like, you know, it's kind

10:17

of like when you watch The Real Housewives and it's

10:19

like, Bill, I know what you're

10:20

talking about. Like, you don't have to make like some sort of analogy,

10:22

like, you like this the way I like

10:25

sports. It's like, yeah. That's not even what I was saying.

10:28

Okay. Because I was going to be like, why the fuck do you

10:30

follow in these celebrities' lives in the relationship? And

10:32

then I was being like, oh, this is just kind of like, why am I, why

10:34

do I give a fuck about the Patriots not

10:36

doing well this year? Stupid. Why do you, yeah,

10:39

why do you wear a man's name on

10:41

the back of a jersey? You

10:43

know, I don't do that. You don't wear jerseys.

10:46

I don't wear jerseys. I'm not dating him. I

10:50

feel like I've seen you wear a hockey jersey

10:53

like years ago or something like in an old

10:55

photo of you or something like when you were a kid, you

10:57

know, or like

10:57

a teenager or your 20s, but you definitely,

11:01

no, you don't wear any. I wore a jersey if I was

11:03

playing pick up hockey.

11:04

Right. Okay. Oh, that's what it is. That's what

11:06

it is. When you used to play hockey. Yeah, and

11:09

I used to go out and I would wear my Jay Miller Bruins

11:11

jersey, which is hilarious because I couldn't skate and I wasn't

11:14

tough. So it actually brought shame to that great

11:16

man's name. Anyway,

11:21

you look cute. Thank you. So

11:23

do you. We

11:25

had fun last night. We went trick-or-treating was

11:28

the first time first time my son

11:30

went trick-or-treating. It's so funny. The

11:32

first time you bring a kid out, they're always super shy

11:34

for like two houses. And then they

11:37

figured out like wait a minute. I

11:39

just go up there and say Happy Halloween and they give

11:41

me candy.

11:42

I just like none of them say trick-or-treat.

11:44

I heard a few kids saying Happy Halloween,

11:47

which of course is totally fine. Yeah, but

11:49

I don't feel like people say trick-or-treat anymore. You

11:51

know what? I love I just love like like

11:53

this generation and LA names for

11:56

kids. You know, it's joking about that.

11:58

It's like Brooklyn.

13:59

all of you that

14:03

we actually have jobs and get paid

14:06

to do things. Well that was that was that

14:08

was even too dumb for me and I was involved.

14:11

Anyway, what did I

14:14

want to talk about here? Yeah

14:16

so last night yeah

14:18

my son was like really like shy.

14:21

I almost had to like carry him up to walk on the first one

14:23

and then by like the third house he would

14:25

do this he'd go, happy Halloween!

14:28

He would like yell it down the thing and he was dressed

14:31

like Luigi. He was so friggin

14:33

cute and I found out that he's

14:36

all about he likes the lollipops like

14:39

he was totally into that and then also

14:41

I would be going like buddy just take one just take

14:43

one and he has like Luigi gloves that didn't

14:45

fit you know what I mean like three sizes too

14:48

big and he would just go in and just just

14:50

like just grab. You know what I realized

14:53

we're gonna have to before they get home we're

14:55

gonna have to hide that

14:56

candy because he's gonna go in. She

14:58

knows how to regulate but he'll be

15:01

like all over and he'll start crying it'll

15:03

be a whole thing. Oh so in other words she's wired like

15:05

you and he's wired like me. Yeah.

15:08

All right well keep him away from the bourbon. And

15:11

more waste than one yes.

15:14

Faux show. All right well listen it's speaking of

15:16

faux show I have

15:18

a bunch of dates coming up this this

15:21

Saturday night myself

15:24

and Club Soda Kenny this Saturday

15:26

night. Oh say. In

15:29

the park. Say.

15:33

In the park.

15:35

Think it was the 4th of July.

15:39

People walking. People

15:42

talking. A man selling

15:45

ice cream. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair

15:47

enough. Something something

15:50

Chicago man.

15:52

Formerly Chicago Transit Authority.

15:55

And uh. That

15:57

was like a thing Manhattan transformed.

15:59

It was just like my dad

16:02

used to listen to them. I love the Manhattan

16:04

transfer. They're so corny, but so

16:06

good those harmonies What was it do

16:08

the hustle? Bip it but they're the

16:10

ones who sang that

16:11

Does

16:15

Andrew put music at the end of the Thursday one

16:17

yes To

16:21

transfer from this episode to

16:23

an older one I like that Um

16:26

This Saturday night. I'm gonna

16:28

be at the bar to TD Bank North

16:31

Boston Garden home of

16:33

Your 8 0 & 1 Boston

16:36

Bruins won an OT the other night

16:38

sniper

16:42

Doing the comics come home. I

16:45

think the 37 comics

16:47

come home. Don't be like

16:49

that You've been away long enough come home, um, that's

16:52

gonna be

17:03

Rachel Feinstein

17:06

Mark Marin who else I've

17:08

only posted it 9 million times Bobby

17:12

Kelly Bobby

17:19

No, I think she's from New York, I

17:22

don't know I just I'm better Well

17:29

initially it was mainly Boston

17:31

comedians they come home Yeah,

17:37

it sounds it sounds good

17:41

it does it sounds very inviting Then

17:43

I'm at Foxwoods the next night two

17:46

shows

17:49

Used

17:51

to go to Foxwoods

17:52

I Was with my

17:54

mother my mother to see

17:56

Joe the R&B singer and

17:59

my mom had

17:59

Oh, is that the guy? If you're cheating on

18:02

me, I don't want to know that guy He's

18:05

one thing. I want to know I want

18:07

to know what turns you on So

18:11

my mom had two margaritas and

18:13

it was women love that song It

18:16

was so funny. It was so much fun.

18:19

Oh, yeah, mom got trashed. She did. I mean it

18:21

doesn't take much She's like, you know a really lightweight

18:24

But we went with

18:24

my my aunt who passed away

18:27

sadly a couple years ago And

18:29

it was it was

18:30

probably one of my favorite memories of all of

18:32

us together So I haven't been to Fox was probably

18:34

since then and I was she got your mother

18:36

hammered

18:40

The

18:44

only time I ever went to Fox woods

18:46

when I wasn't working is I

18:48

went with a degenerate gambler comedian

18:51

You just

18:52

you've talked about this

18:54

before right like you can't just say gambler

18:56

you have to say degenerate degenerate Cuz

18:58

he didn't go there to gamble. This guy was a degenerate

19:03

Stay up the whole friggin night

19:05

playing cards and like I was open informed

19:08

So I went with him and we stayed up until

19:10

four or five in the friggin morning and I was just sitting

19:12

there I remember him just laughing at me

19:15

nodding off as I was as I was as

19:17

he was driving home I

19:20

Thought I needed to do that. I was like, well this guy's

19:22

headline and I gotta do I should be like dude I'm not fucking doing

19:25

that. Yeah No,

19:29

well Yeah,

19:34

but back then I was I was I was a people

19:36

pleaser Let

19:39

me sit a little closer to you I was out in these streets

19:41

Nia just pleasing everybody but except

19:43

for myself I Went

19:48

to the microphone store I like it.

19:51

It's called Mikey's Mike's right down

19:53

the street Mikey Michael

19:55

Mike, that's right. Mikey. Michael sin. If you

19:57

need a microphone. Yeah, if your voice isn't loud enough

20:00

enough I can amplify it come on

20:02

down to Mikey's Mike all right how did

20:04

that feel

20:08

so good shut up

20:10

you love me and I bet a sweetheart to you

20:12

come on that's right

20:16

that's right see I gotta squeeze

20:18

the compliment out but eventually

20:21

it comes okay so after that

20:23

I have a day off then

20:25

I go to Norfolk Virginia they're

20:28

coming off a big victory over the Miami

20:30

Hurricanes I don't need to tell you that Nia who

20:33

is University of Virginia

20:35

oh I was gonna say they have a sports like a professional

20:38

sports team this is college yes college

20:40

okay look at you knowing that they don't have I

20:42

mean I think I would think that they were probably DC fans

20:45

I mean I know a few things

20:47

I know like the

20:47

Dakotas don't have any fucking sports

20:49

team right professional

20:52

yeah no they don't but they crush it in hockey they

20:55

do they crush it in the yeah

20:57

they do they do and they went like the

20:59

NCAA it's always like them main

21:01

there's somebody else that's all BU

21:04

gets in there too yeah

21:07

I don't know all right so then after that I go to Atlanta

21:09

Nia's old stomping

21:12

grounds and then I go to

21:14

Hollywood Florida cuz I'm a big phony right

21:16

even when I go to Florida I'm still Hollywood you

21:19

know I mean do I go to Daytona where all the

21:21

real fucking people are last

21:24

time I went to Daytona I went to the 500 with

21:27

Nate Bar Gazzi shout out to him crushing

21:30

it

21:30

on SNL oh

21:32

great yeah killed it on SNL

21:35

I always like love

21:37

seeing comics that I'm huge fans of being on

21:39

the show and my favorite thing is

21:41

like in the end saying good

21:43

night is like I can't even tell you what it like

21:45

a relief that is this is so

21:48

much for friggin pressure and you

21:50

just so like oh my god I did it and

21:52

they started playing that song and that clap clap

21:55

clap clap as you're coming up you're like holy shit

21:58

oh yeah where they're playing the piano yeah Oh

22:00

my god, it's just- And then the saxophone comes in and- Yeah,

22:02

and you're like, oh my god, it was fun, I did it.

22:05

You need to go viral again for another, you

22:07

know, hot monologue. Ooh, what's

22:09

he gonna say this time? That Billy Burr,

22:12

he's so unpredictable.

22:14

He's mean, he says

22:16

it like it is.

22:18

He's married, I don't like that anymore.

22:20

Go fucking cry in your bowl

22:22

of soup by yourself, you fucking losers.

22:25

Sorry. Alright. Yeah, I know. By

22:28

the way, all of these- Yeah, these- I don't

22:31

know. Mia, you gotta stop reading comments. I know, I

22:33

know. It's never gonna be good. I know.

22:35

You just gotta do whatever the overall is. If overall

22:39

it's positive, it's fine. I'm working on it, I know. Yeah.

22:41

It is. These people that say negative shit, it has

22:44

nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that

22:46

their life isn't going the way they want it.

22:47

It's sad. I'm gonna get better at it. It's

22:49

sad, you know.

22:51

The negative ones, it takes a

22:54

lot to get me going. Because I always look at it like, well,

22:56

you know, I'm a bald ginger, I can see why. I

22:58

come at me too. No! You know what I mean? Don't

23:00

do that though. Don't make it like

23:02

okay for the bullies to bully you. They're

23:05

not bullies, Mia, they're pussies. Right, well

23:07

that's definitely true. But I'm saying, like for you to

23:09

feel like, Well, you know, I am a bald ginger. It's

23:11

like, what does that have to do with it? If you're talking

23:13

shit and it involves typing, let's

23:17

not act like we're going to a weigh-in and you're getting

23:19

in somebody's grill. You're sitting

23:21

there with a little keyboard.

23:22

You know what I mean? Yeah,

23:24

they're just using their little tummy thumbs. Their

23:27

little tummy thumbs. Oh yeah,

23:29

they have little boxing gloves on them too when they

23:31

said mean points. Just

23:34

so you know that they're telling it like

23:36

it is. So,

23:38

Nia, there's an election coming up next year. I

23:40

can't tell you how fucking upset I am by that. Why?

23:44

Because I am, oh my God, the fucking...

23:47

Dragging it out. The dumpster fire

23:49

that we'll have to deal with in the news cycle? Oh

23:52

Jesus, can you imagine Joe Biden in a debate?

23:54

How's he even going to do it?

23:57

I hope he pulls

23:58

it together.

24:00

I'm just hoping, I want somebody

24:03

in their 40s

24:04

that can like make a speech. Because

24:06

the bottom line is they're still gonna work for the

24:08

same people. They're still gonna be selling

24:10

wars. You know, they're still gonna back

24:13

the banks in the Ponzi scheme. It doesn't really

24:15

fucking matter. But it would be nice to

24:17

have a good hostess.

24:19

You know, welcome

24:21

to Applebee's. I'll

24:25

be speaking for you for the next four years. Someone

24:27

that still has a light in their eyes. I

24:29

mean, the last two people, Nia, I mean, it's

24:31

just like a talent contest.

24:34

You know, it's like karaoke. I feel like the last

24:36

two presidents have been like

24:38

presidential karaoke. Would you ever do karaoke?

24:42

And if you did, what song would you sing?

24:45

I would do karaoke and I would sing

24:47

Let Me Put My Love Into You Babe

24:50

by ACDC. I knew it was gonna be an

24:52

ACDC song. Is that a real name of it? Let Me

24:54

Put My Love Into You? It's a great driving song. And

24:56

if you don't listen to the lyrics, you

24:58

don't notice that it's a little aggressive.

25:02

Let Me Put My Love Into You? I think so.

25:04

Well, that's all right. He just wants to fuck you. I

25:06

mean, there's nothing wrong with saying you want to put your love into somebody.

25:08

I don't ever say that to me. Hey, Nia, guess what I

25:11

want to do later on today? Please don't.

25:13

I don't want you. I don't want it. Please keep

25:16

it. Why are you afraid of love?

25:18

Oh, God. See that? You

25:20

have intimacy issues. Creepy. Hey,

25:23

sweetheart. Let me put my love into

25:25

you, babe. You know what? I'm

25:27

actually really hungry. Let me put my love on the

25:30

line. Are we almost done with this fucking? Well, I'm

25:32

sorry. Are we keeping you for your busy day? I

25:35

want to order some food. I

25:37

want to hang out with you is what I want to do, but I could fucking work

25:40

today. Well, you had that. Yeah, you had that opportunity

25:42

to do so. And I told you what

25:43

you needed to do to do that and you didn't want to do it.

25:45

So.

25:46

Yeah, because I have work to do.

25:48

Because you married a fucking beast. Oh, boy.

25:51

Here we are. Here it is. I can't

25:53

talk a little shit. Yeah, you can talk a little

25:55

bit. We had a good couple of weeks. No, you definitely

25:57

earned it. No promo on any.

25:59

No. Hey.

26:02

And yet. Listen.

26:04

Guess who knew about it? Guess who knew about that

26:06

project? Who? Oh, Zip. Recruiter!

26:10

Yeah. You know, it takes a team

26:12

of people to make this show successful,

26:15

doesn't

26:18

it? It's just me and Andrew.

26:22

It's generic copy. Just go with it. Just

26:26

like it takes a solid team to make any

26:28

business successful. So

26:30

if you're hiring, how do you find

26:33

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26:42

that wrong. And right now you can try it for free

26:45

at Zip. I'm

26:47

starting it up.

26:50

Zip.com slash burr.

26:52

The next one is going to be the devil read. We're

26:54

going to go backwards like the old school, like white

26:57

heavy metal. Did you miss that whole thing? You missed that whole

26:59

part of music, didn't you? Here's

27:01

why you'll be grateful when you try

27:03

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27:06

play that forward,

27:08

it says Zip Recruiter. For your hiring.

27:11

Matching technology, Zip,

27:14

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27:17

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27:19

for your job. Well, Nia, they say the name of that company 50

27:22

fucking times in this. Great match

27:24

notification for Zip Recruiter.

27:27

I used to

27:29

work with a guy like that who over enunciated all

27:31

the time. He's like, hello, my name is Brian.

27:36

Zip Recruiter lets you, this

27:38

is how we would read this. Zip Recruiter

27:41

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27:43

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27:45

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27:49

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27:53

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27:55

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27:57

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27:59

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28:02

see why so many business owners

28:05

and hiring managers are thankful for

28:07

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ZipRecruiter can get a quality candidate within the first day.

28:12

I'd be super grateful if you could go to this exclusive

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website right now to try ZipRecruiter for free

28:17

at ziprecruiter.com slash burr. Again

28:19

that's zip... that

28:23

was a sneeze read. .com slash

28:25

burr. Spell out burr.

28:28

ZipRecruiter. Smartest

28:31

way to hire. Don't you like

28:33

that? That's old-school salesmanship. I love

28:35

that. Puts a smile on

28:37

my face. Oh. And

28:41

here's the one that's been here forever everybody.

28:43

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28:48

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the way back. All the way back to like

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I would say like maybe 2011-ish. Stamps.com.

28:57

Hey Nia, did you forget to add stamps.com

29:00

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29:02

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30:34

that is it everybody.

30:35

That is a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Money

30:38

Morning Podcast. I hope you're watching the World

30:40

Series or the World Serious as

30:42

Bugs Bunny used to say. All three

30:44

games have been fantastic. There's a lot of drama.

30:47

You

30:47

know, the Rangers came back and that

30:49

guy that hit the walk-off home run. I'm not good with the names.

30:51

He ended up... I don't know if it was an oblique. I

30:53

don't know if he messed up his back, but everybody's wondering what's

30:55

going on. They got Captain America playing shortstop.

30:58

I'm rooting for the Rangers simply because they've

31:01

never won before. But if the Diamondbacks win, it's

31:03

an amazing run because they were a wildcard

31:05

team and they knocked off the Braves. And it's reminding

31:07

me, Nia, of when the New York

31:10

Giants with Eli knocked off my undefeated

31:12

Patriots. They were on the road as

31:14

a wildcard team. One of the great runs of all

31:17

time. And as much as it crushed my soul

31:19

when they lost,

31:20

it was an amazing thing to watch in sports. And

31:22

Nia, that's one to grow on. This

31:25

has been the Thursday... Enjoy

31:27

the music. Enjoy a little Manhattan

31:29

Transfer. You know what I always forget to do? I

31:31

always forget to put it on airplane mode and right at the

31:33

end, somebody ends up calling me. Enjoy

31:37

Manhattan Transfer. Alright.

31:40

Nia's request and

31:43

edited into this wonderful podcast. I

31:45

like to think it's wonderful. By the great Andrew Themelis.

31:47

And then we have a bonus episode on the Thursday afternoon,

31:49

just before Friday.

31:50

Monday morning podcast coming

31:52

up after this. A lot of crazy

31:54

stuff going on in the world. Doesn't mean you can't be a nice

31:56

person. Alright? Just

31:59

to give you time. Alright, thanks. Thank

32:00

you. Bye bye. Hey,

32:02

what's going on? It's

32:17

Joe Burr and

32:19

it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for

32:21

Monday, November 2nd, Oh

32:27

my God. It's November,

32:30

you know, the greatest holiday of the year for

32:32

me is what?

32:34

Thanksgiving? I like it. It's

32:37

family. You get to eat. What

32:39

about Flag Day? That's a good one, isn't

32:40

it? Why don't you go underground, support that indie

32:43

band,

32:43

right? You could do that. Labor

32:47

Day is another good one.

32:51

Blueberry Pancake Day or whatever the fuck

32:53

it was that time when I was in Atlanta. I

32:55

can tell you guys that story. I went in to do

32:57

morning TV, the worst fucking thing a comedian

33:00

can ever do. It doesn't sell one fucking

33:03

ticket. You know what? Just

33:05

morning TV, fucking stay

33:08

at home moms. You

33:10

know those

33:13

awful stay at home moms. A cool stay

33:16

at home mom probably pops in a good movie or some shit

33:18

like that. But those ones that

33:20

talk to kids like they're fucking morons

33:23

and they do it like, you know, it's bad enough when

33:26

the kids really little, but when

33:28

they're like six years old and they're still going

33:30

like, oh,

33:33

they do that fucking up and down talking with

33:36

like your eyes really fucking open

33:39

eyebrows way up. You

33:43

just want to fucking slap him in the back of the

33:45

head like, what are you doing?

33:47

And do me a favor. Don't talk to my dog like that

33:49

because you're going to freak her out and she's going to go for your throat.

33:52

She's going to hear is heightened excitement and

33:54

she's going to be thinking someone's going to beat the shit out of

33:56

her again. Like whoever, whoever the fuck did it to

33:58

her before I got.

33:59

Isn't that right Cleo? Huh?

34:03

She's over there already sleeping. This fucking dog

34:05

swept for eight goddamn hours last

34:07

night, right? Right

34:09

next to me by the way. I hadn't seen her in like

34:12

two weeks So I was watching the KC

34:14

met game and I actually fell asleep

34:16

before the end of it I was so fucking tired and

34:19

then of course I wake up afterwards

34:21

and I see KC celebrating by the way

34:24

Congratulations to Kansas City my condolences to Mets

34:26

fans Just two fucking great

34:28

teams and it was so great to see you

34:31

know Not to see Yankees red sauce car

34:33

knows Giants the fucking people who have

34:35

been in it. It's nice to see new blood So

34:39

anyways, I'm sitting and I'm trying to fucking

34:42

See the highlight and I'm just sitting there And

34:45

my dog like this my dog is a master

34:48

Like cuddler the thing is all

34:50

the way like legs tucked underneath

34:54

And it's fucking got its head right

34:56

on my chest right with

34:58

its muzzle almost like Just

35:01

like staring at me and it's snoring

35:04

So I don't want to wake the thing up and I'm sitting

35:06

there and the remotes on the other side of my fucking

35:08

dog And I'm like, I can't wait this thing up and

35:11

I'm sitting there waiting for a fucking

35:13

highlight and they got this guy Who's

35:17

just standing there Going

35:19

on and on and on and on and on and on

35:22

and on about the fucking game About

35:25

what happened and blabble but it's like show a fucking

35:27

highlight you jerk off What

35:29

are you the president?

35:32

Giving some fucking state of the union thing so

35:34

many of fucking ESPN shows now I just two

35:36

fucking people sitting there standing there walking

35:39

around Talking talking talking

35:41

that fucking channel. I want to see highlights Show

35:45

them a fucking day long. I will sit I

35:47

used to watch Sports Center back when I had the time I'd watch

35:49

it like three times in a fucking row. I didn't give a

35:52

shit same joke same fucking

35:54

clips all of that I loved it. He's fucking

35:56

idiots sitting there talking and talking and talking.

35:58

I would have lost a talk

35:59

podcast by myself.

36:02

So then I turned the fucking channel, I'm like, all right, they got

36:04

like 52 ESPNs, I go up to ESPN

36:07

two, there's two other jerk offs sitting there

36:09

talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, and

36:11

they're showing the scores and all of this type

36:13

of shit. And for the life of me, I haven't seen it. I

36:15

heard what happened. I

36:17

heard they let that let the picture

36:19

stay in, and then he walked the fucking guy,

36:21

then there was a double, blah,

36:23

blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there was a play at third

36:26

and the fucking guy, you know, they looked at each

36:28

other, then right throws the ball and the guy fucking

36:31

takes off. It's a close play at the plate, the throws

36:33

a little I've yet to see it. I

36:36

just want to see.

36:40

So anyway, so I don't really know. I

36:42

don't know what happened. All of that that I know is because

36:44

actually not because ESPN is because I talked to Paul

36:47

Vergy this morning, who by

36:49

the way, is really

36:51

excited that the Mets lost. I

36:53

found during the series that he fucking he hates the

36:55

Mets. He hates the Mets fans. Don't let them

36:57

say anything differently. Don't

37:00

let them try to be a class act. I'm telling

37:02

you the running joke on

37:04

the tour was Paul

37:06

Verzy wants no joy in Queens.

37:11

Because we were all sitting there like, I don't fucking, you know, Red

37:13

Sox fan. I shouldn't like any team from New York. I

37:16

don't give a fuck. Right? It's the Mets. You

37:19

know, they haven't won it since 86. Fuck

37:21

it. I don't care if they win it. So

37:25

I want I wanted to see I basically I wanted to see a seven

37:27

game series is what I wanted to see. And

37:31

but first, he was very silently

37:33

rooting very hard against

37:35

the Mets. And he

37:38

wouldn't admit it. And he just no, no, no,

37:40

I don't care. You know, I just want to see a good series.

37:42

And he would get he would get just a little too excited

37:44

when Casey would be coming back. So anyways,

37:48

I'm just sitting him fucking babbling. I

37:51

did miss Halloween this year. It's

37:53

the first time I have not been at my house during

37:56

Halloween, which

37:58

I'm actually happy about because I told you where I live. I live

38:00

in this weird area where it's like if you go a

38:02

little If you go to the right

38:05

it gets really nice if you go to the left There's

38:07

like a check cashing place like a block

38:09

away. You know I mean and I'm sort

38:12

of in the middle So during Halloween

38:14

I get everything from little snot-nosed rich kids

38:16

to like what I had Like a year

38:19

ago with this fucking like

38:21

I don't know 37 year old dude showed

38:24

it. He looked like a fucking homeless Jim Croci

38:26

He just fucking showed up right big fucking

38:29

mustache Tom Selleck style And

38:32

he was just standing and I've just opened the door. Oh I

38:36

know no he had some kids with him and they all left and

38:38

he had a bag too And

38:40

he held the bag out, and I just went really

38:42

and he just goes yes I Go

38:46

really or something like that seriously just

38:48

goes yes, and

38:50

I just fucking gave what you are gonna do I? Was

38:53

joking in Chicago. It's like I gotta give it to him.

38:55

He knows where the fuck I live right That's the thing

38:58

you can't fuck people over on Halloween. They

39:00

know where you live They're

39:02

gonna do something They're gonna walk

39:04

down your fucking thing. They're gonna fucking punch your

39:06

mailbox to pull the little flag off of it.

39:09

You know Yanks and fucking

39:11

don't know plant out of the ground Which

39:15

I don't give a shit right if it's not fucking making

39:17

me any food. What do I need it for well

39:19

because they exhale oxygen

39:24

We get it

39:25

so

39:27

anyways Dude,

39:30

I'm completely shot

39:32

from that tour. I am so fucking exhausted And

39:36

it isn't from the shows the shows were great

39:39

the people were great the venues were

39:41

great, but My

39:45

fucking drank every single night for fucking

39:47

two weeks and every

39:52

night I was like yeah, I can't do it. I can't do it and

39:54

that was the joke the joke started to become

39:57

before we show We

39:59

would just be going like, all right, man, tonight, we're just going

40:01

home, going home early, we're just fucking

40:04

getting eight hours workout, right? Maybe

40:07

find a spa, we'll take a steam, have

40:09

a nice fucking healthy breakfast. Everybody's nodding.

40:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

40:13

And then fucking,

40:15

somebody finishes their set. And

40:17

they just got the devil in their eye when they come off,

40:19

and then they would look at me and I would just start laughing.

40:22

And the next thing you know, we go out again. So

40:25

we're in Chicago, my town,

40:29

Chicago is

40:32

a bunch of mustaches

40:35

Chicago is actually didn't see a lot

40:38

of them. Michigan

40:40

Avenue with all those shops. 20 Harry

40:44

Carey restaurants, which

40:48

was the original. So

40:51

anyways, we

40:53

ended up going out one night. I'm

40:59

trying to I'm trying to piece this together. This

41:01

is the drunkest I've been in like fucking 10 years,

41:04

we went out to this, this, this

41:06

bar called the Liars Club. And

41:08

it was like a bar that basically a bunch of bands

41:10

hung out at. And we fucking get in there.

41:13

And I don't plan on doing any fucking damage

41:15

whatsoever, right? Friend of

41:17

mine lives in town. She's a photographer, she

41:20

came down to take some pictures, right? She

41:22

brings her crew of people, we go out and

41:25

just fucking get into the bar.

41:28

And I don't know, I don't know what happened. They

41:31

fucking go kind of music do you like? And

41:34

I said, Well, I like a and McCartney said,

41:36

How about AC DC, right? And they just played

41:38

like all this shit. You never fucking

41:40

hear all the shit

41:42

you never hear everybody who's played. She shook me all

41:45

night, although somebody did play you shook me all night long. They

41:48

played like kicked in the teeth.

41:52

Down payment blues. Houses

41:56

on fire.

41:58

They played shit off Poweridge. flick

42:00

of the switch,

42:02

you know, side to a highway to hell.

42:05

Dude, and me and Bartnick were

42:08

going fucking nuts.

42:11

Like, Berzy was an angel that night. He barely dragged.

42:13

He just said he wanted to go home. He was just sitting

42:15

there. And like, at one point,

42:17

Bartnick, you know, who's like the

42:20

size of like fucking Cam Neely, right?

42:22

He's fucking doing the Angus, you know,

42:25

Chuck Berry thing going across the bar. People

42:27

are going fucking nuts. And

42:30

everybody just kept buying shots and like an asshole.

42:32

I just kept doing them.

42:33

I think I threw down like nine or 10 shots

42:36

while I was drinking whiskey. So I was like chasing

42:39

whiskey shots with whiskey. And

42:41

you know, you

42:43

wouldn't think that you could go out on a dance floor and dance

42:46

to ACDC, but goddamn it, I

42:48

did it. Oh,

42:53

and did I pay for it? I

42:55

fucking paid for it. And then I, you know, by

42:58

the end of the night, I vaguely remember

43:00

leaving the bar. It

43:02

might have been the best night of the fucking

43:04

tour. We had so much fucking

43:06

fun. First, he actually said like, he

43:09

was saying that because he wasn't even drinking. He was going

43:11

like, I actually was enjoying

43:13

you and Bartnick putting on a clinic on how to

43:15

have fun in a bar. He was like,

43:18

dude, you guys were going I don't even remember this because

43:20

you guys were like headbanging. He's

43:22

like, bird, you're air drumming on the bar. And

43:24

then next thing you know, me and Bartnick are both

43:27

out on the dance floor dancing to ACDC

43:32

with this stupid disco ball

43:34

going around us. It was like if

43:36

it was a movie, it would have been like, uh, Virgley

43:39

was saying it would have been like the montage scene of

43:41

when me and Joe becomes best friends before

43:44

like we fucking, uh,

43:46

before something, whatever

43:48

happens sends it in. You know what? Do you

43:50

remember the naked gun?

43:52

You remember the naked gun when, uh,

43:55

Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Presley are doing all

43:57

the shit running down the beach, coming out of platoon,

43:59

left.

43:59

and their asses off. It was basically that.

44:02

It was that. That's what we did. And the next day,

44:05

like, I fucking woke

44:07

up, you know, still in my

44:09

clothes, in my bed.

44:13

And like, I had all these plans.

44:16

I'm in Chicago, I'm in one of the greatest cities

44:18

in the country. And I had all these plans of what I

44:20

was going to do. And I swear to God, like I couldn't

44:22

get out of bed. I couldn't get out

44:24

of bed till like fucking three in the afternoon. I was like, what?

44:26

I'm a fucking idiot. And then at five

44:28

o'clock, I went down. I went

44:31

downstairs and I

44:34

tried to get something to eat. I was no wait, Verzi

44:36

came up to my room. For

44:39

you came up to my room and we were just sitting there fucking

44:41

watching TV. And he was

44:43

just laughing at how fucking just

44:47

beat up I was, you know, and of course, he felt great

44:49

because he was a fucking angel that night. And I

44:53

we ended up watching something on TV. One

44:55

of the sickest stories ever. And we're like, dude, this has

44:57

to be a fucking movie. And

45:00

of course, in the end, they they said

45:02

that they were going to turn into a movie was basically about this

45:05

guy, right? It

45:07

was this fucking show about serial killers.

45:09

So of course, we're going to watch it. Right.

45:13

And I'm sitting there eating a fucking burger, you know, just trying

45:15

to, you know, grease always fucking offsets

45:17

the fucking alcohol. It's awful. I'm

45:20

out of shape again, guys. That's what I'm trying to say.

45:23

So we're watching this thing about fucking serial killers.

45:27

And the whole time they're talking about this, this drug

45:29

dealer kid, like how the fuck does this can

45:32

they keep showing this serial killer guy? Like,

45:35

does in the show in the drug

45:37

dealer older,

45:39

you know, and not in jail and all that shit

45:41

going what the fuck happened?

45:44

You know, just the way they put it together, it was

45:46

riveting you like, what the fuck is going on here? So basically,

45:48

what happened was, there was this kid,

45:50

right? He played football,

45:53

they called him the assassin, because

45:55

every game he ever played, he took somebody out,

45:58

right? Was it the assassin? Was that

46:00

Jack Tatum? Jack Tatum? Now

46:03

I forget, but it was something like

46:05

Assassin. So he

46:09

fucking just movie

46:12

star good looks.

46:13

All right.

46:14

And he's the star of the football team. And

46:17

the lady sitting there interviewing him going like he's walking

46:19

around his high school going like so you were

46:22

you were basically a legend here. And he goes, Yeah,

46:25

I was. He wasn't me and Aaron.

46:27

He said, Yeah, he goes they retired my jersey. They

46:29

had like pictures of me up on the wall and

46:31

all that blah, blah, blah, blah. All

46:33

the women loved them. I mean, this

46:35

guy was just like, it

46:37

was he looked

46:39

like a movie star in his life was a movie.

46:41

So his big Achilles heel was he didn't

46:44

have money. He wanted

46:46

to keep up with the rich kids. So he started dealing

46:48

drugs, and he ended up being really

46:51

good at it. And by the time he was like 20

46:53

years old, this fucking guy

46:55

was making like a million dollars a year. Crushing

46:59

it right. He's got a fake, you

47:01

know, wall in his walk

47:03

in closet where he's got another room where he's keeping

47:05

all the money in a safe. He's throwing

47:08

all these fucking crazy parties.

47:10

And it almost seemed like this American greed

47:12

type story as opposed to

47:14

this serial killer thing. They keep going back to this

47:16

serial killer fucking piece

47:18

of shit who's killing these girls, these teenage

47:21

girls. So long

47:23

story short, he's laying in bed one night,

47:25

and he's just thinking I got to get out of this life. I'm

47:27

so sick of looking over my shoulder. I can't

47:30

do this anymore. How am I going to get out of this,

47:32

but he's addicted to the money. He's addicted to the life

47:34

and all of that type of stuff. And he is just

47:36

rattling on the door. And I'm thinking, Oh,

47:38

fuck, it's the serial pole. And

47:41

he obviously fought the guy in one what

47:43

the fuck happens, right? All of a sudden, the door

47:45

fucking blasts open. And all

47:48

these fucking was it is it the ATF that

47:50

shows up when you get busted as a drug dealer? Not

47:53

with that alcohol tobacco out the fuck

47:55

it is. So anyway, they fucking come to FDA,

47:58

Food Drug Administration. The,

48:01

uh, transit, Chicago Transit Authority

48:03

on, what the fuck it is. Whatever the fuck that thing is, they

48:06

come fucking blasting through the door, run

48:09

up, you know, a bunch of guys with the fucking minor helmets

48:12

on with the fucking Uzi's from a Steven

48:14

Seagal movie.

48:15

Go, get on the ground, you fucking look at me, I'll blow

48:18

your fucking head up. And the whole thing was over.

48:21

And he disgraced his family name. And

48:24

they never said it, but I imagine they probably took

48:26

his fucking pictures down off the high school

48:28

and all of that type of shit. You know, did some OJ

48:30

shit, right? Take all his trophies and all that fucking

48:33

shit. So it's over, right? So

48:35

then he's sitting in jail,

48:37

um,

48:39

and they try to get him to flip. And

48:42

this is, this is just some fucking kid from the suburbs,

48:45

right? So I'm thinking, well, he's out. He must

48:47

have ratted somebody out. So

48:49

he doesn't

48:49

rat anybody out.

48:52

He's like, I'm not telling on anybody. So then

48:54

they're like, all right, well, fuck you. So now we're, you're not going

48:56

to help us out. We're going to fucking give

48:58

you, you know, the full extent of

49:00

the law. We're going to prosecute you. So they

49:02

gave him 10 years. The

49:04

guy gets 10 years. He's in like

49:07

a minimum security because, you know, we didn't

49:09

really have any violent pastor or anything.

49:12

He was just getting people addicted to drugs. That's all he was doing.

49:16

So his dad is devastated and

49:19

all that shit. And he goes to jail. And

49:22

meanwhile, the serial killer guy is out there killing these

49:25

girls. So I'm thinking, what the

49:27

fuck? And they keep going to commercial me and Percy

49:29

looking at each other going, how the fuck are they going to tie this fucking

49:31

thing together?

49:32

So

49:34

long story short, um, they

49:37

ended up catching the serial killer guy. Uh,

49:39

I forget how we fucked up, but they ended up catching

49:42

him in one of those things where you seem like

49:44

relieved and all of that

49:46

type of shit. And uh, but he had this thing

49:48

where he wouldn't admit to all of them.

49:50

And if he came at him, he would just clam up and wouldn't

49:53

say shit. So he ends up going to jail for

49:55

like either one or two murders for life. He's

49:57

never fucking getting out. So meanwhile,

50:00

all these parents whose daughters were killed

50:02

by this guy and they don't know where they are and

50:04

all they just want is the body. They want fucking

50:06

closure. And these parents are just tortured

50:08

by this fucking thing. All right. So

50:11

they're trying to figure out because he won't talk to

50:13

them. He won't tell them anything. And he's also

50:15

in denial and he keeps going like actually I didn't

50:17

kill him and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then

50:19

one day be like, Oh, I did. And I blacked out. I don't remember.

50:22

Like the guy was just a fucking creepy goddamn

50:24

mess. Right. So they

50:28

ended up coming up with this idea that they need

50:30

a charismatic person to

50:32

talk to this, to befriend this serial killer,

50:35

gain the guy's trust and maybe he'll tell him where

50:38

like the bodies are and that type of shit. So

50:40

they go to this fucking dude, Captain America,

50:43

you know, the football player, the movie star

50:45

looking guy who fucked his whole

50:47

life up because he got involved in drugs.

50:50

Right.

50:51

And they approach him to

50:53

go from his minimum security to go into a maximum

50:56

security prison with his murderers, rapists,

50:58

animals, fucking maniacs. Right. And,

51:02

um, you know, to go in

51:04

there and they said, if you get, if you get this information

51:06

out, we'll take your sentence and we'll just

51:09

wipe out the rest of it. We'll set you free. He'd already

51:11

done like three, four years. So

51:13

meanwhile, Captain America's dad had

51:16

a series of strokes, you

51:18

know, and was basically

51:20

going to die and he had to go see

51:22

him. I mean, it's like a fucking movie. So he goes, all

51:24

right, fuck it. I'll, I'll do it. But

51:27

I wanted him writing it. You're definitely going to let me go.

51:29

So they say, yeah. So they go, all

51:31

right. He goes, here, they go, here's the deal.

51:34

We don't want you to approach him for at least six

51:36

months. Cause he's

51:38

very caging. If you fucking, you know, come

51:41

at the guy the wrong way, he just fucking walls

51:43

himself off and that's it. All

51:46

right. So this kid comes,

51:48

he goes, he goes fine. Cool. He walks in there. He's like, I don't

51:50

have six months. My dad's going to die within

51:52

the first two months to I'm sorry,

51:54

first two hours. He goes into the fucking jail.

51:59

And he fucking, uh, on purpose,

52:01

accidentally bumps into the guy. And

52:04

then he immediately apologized and he goes, oh, I'm sorry

52:06

about that buddy. I didn't see you standing there. Hey,

52:08

he goes, I'm new here. Do you know where the library is? And

52:11

the guy tells him where the library is and

52:14

he goes, thanks man. You know,

52:16

and he said something in effect of, yeah, you're a good

52:18

guy. It gives him a little slap on the shoulder. That's it.

52:21

It goes to the fucking library. And they set

52:23

it up where his fucking,

52:25

his cell was right across the

52:27

hall

52:28

from the other guy. And

52:30

he says to him, he goes, hey man, he runs into him again.

52:32

Hey, where you staying? Blah, blah. He goes, oh,

52:34

that's crazy, man. You went right across. He said, it's good

52:36

to be with a good guy like you, blah, blah, blah,

52:38

across from each other. And he

52:41

goes, so then fucking the serial

52:44

killer guy, one day he goes, hey,

52:46

you want to get lunch with me and my friends? And

52:49

at this point, me and Verzi were fucking laughing

52:51

our balls off going like, this kind of social shit happens

52:53

in prison.

52:55

Okay, some friends of mine, got

52:57

some other murderers and serial killers. Maybe

53:01

get some,

53:02

you know, a frat and a

53:04

fucking rap or something. You want to come down? Just

53:06

kind of hang out. I'll

53:09

meet you down in the commissary. You always think it's all just

53:11

getting shanked and trying not to get raped, right? So

53:14

he goes, yeah, cool. So long story he gains, this

53:16

guy's fucking confident. And

53:18

one time he actually goes in and he sees the guy, he's got a map

53:20

with all these red dots on it and all that shit. He's

53:23

trying to get to it, blah, blah, blah. So the guy

53:25

starts opening up and he finally ends up telling

53:27

him this fucking stories. Of

53:30

all the women that he killed and all of that shit. And

53:36

sort of kind of mentioned, he gave him like sort

53:38

of enough information about

53:40

where the bodies were. And

53:43

the Captain America guy kind of fucked

53:45

up. Cause once he got the information,

53:47

he thought he had enough information to

53:50

find all the bodies and get himself

53:53

out of prison. And he just couldn't, oh wait, I

53:55

forgot the best part. I'm sorry.

53:58

There's gonna be like a Tarantino movie. Now we're gonna jump. backwards.

54:01

Another way he gained the guy's confidence was one

54:03

day they were sitting in the TV room watching

54:05

TV.

54:07

He's sitting next to this guy and this big

54:09

fucking giant dude just

54:11

gets up and turns the channel without

54:15

talking to anybody and as he turns the channel

54:17

the serial killer who was on like a meek little guy

54:19

and he just kind of went he

54:21

just sort of said out loud to nobody was like hey

54:25

I was watching that like

54:27

powerlessly really fucking weird psycho

54:30

thing and the fucking Captain

54:32

America dude walked up to the big

54:34

dude and knocked him out just

54:37

beat the guy's ass hit him with an uppercut

54:39

fucking forearm shiver and just sent this guy

54:41

flying through some chairs and

54:43

then they stuck him in the hole that's

54:45

what happened and then when he fucking comes out tell me he doesn't

54:48

sound like a fuck I almost don't even believe it so that's

54:51

when he gained the guy's confidence that's when the dude told

54:53

and the second he tells him

54:56

this dude

54:57

Captain America couldn't hold it in anymore and

54:59

he goes dude you know what you're a sick fucking piece of

55:02

shit blah blah blah and flipped out on and

55:04

then the guy the serial killer just backed up and he goes

55:06

he goes who sent you he goes so-and-so

55:08

sent you right and he named the prosecutor and then he

55:10

just fucking disappeared and the map disappeared

55:13

too so then it's like they didn't

55:15

get the map so

55:17

there was a thing we don't know where the fucking bodies still

55:20

are blah blah blah blah blah but you got him to admit

55:22

to these fucking murders so we know that

55:24

the women are at least dead the blob he basically

55:26

in the end he did enough where he got out and

55:31

the whole time we were watching this fucking thing we

55:34

were just going like this is a this is a fucking movie

55:36

now I guarantee you when they do the fucking movie they

55:39

don't even need to add any mustard to it but

55:41

I guarantee you in the movie he

55:43

won't flip out in the end you

55:46

know or if he flips out but then he's somehow and

55:48

then that'll be the last little like hiccup like oh no

55:50

they didn't find the map in the movie he'll find the

55:52

map and then the parents will actually

55:54

get closure but in real life you know it's

55:58

not a fucking movie it sucks but isn't it unbelievable.

56:00

That's like a, it's so fucking

56:02

nuts. Like at one point they were visiting his old

56:05

house and he showed, he

56:06

goes, yeah, I used to live here.

56:08

I used to live here at all these cars. I threw like a fucking 20

56:11

Kegge here one night and he goes up into the room and he

56:13

shows the secret place where his safe

56:16

is. And you know,

56:19

it was Fort Knox fucking things.

56:21

It's just, I don't know, man, it was fucking an

56:24

incredible story. Whatever, whatever. I

56:26

know half of them fucking glorifying goddamn drug dealer,

56:28

right? There's not what I'm doing. Um,

56:31

and then the end, I know

56:34

you guys wanted a happy ending. There wasn't a happy

56:36

ending because he fucking, he kind of screwed it up

56:38

in the end, but they still let him go though. Just

56:41

sort of odd. Oh, you

56:44

notice this weird and uncomfortable to watch at this point.

56:47

You know, all these videos they show where there's cops

56:49

beating up, uh, black dudes and all that type

56:51

of stuff. You know, what's really weird is to watch white

56:53

kids fucking with cops. Like

56:55

I saw one kid was doing this thing where he was drinking

56:57

a beer where you weren't supposed to drink a beer. He

57:00

did like a magic trick and the cop goes, you can't drink

57:02

here. He keeps fucking drink, keeps drinking. Then he ends up putting

57:04

it in the bag and then the fucking bottle disappears.

57:07

He was like a magician and it's just like,

57:09

you know, that made me miss the shapulse

57:12

because he would have done a sketch about that. And I want to show

57:14

the black guy trying to do the same thing where he would

57:16

get like a third into the trick and the fucking

57:18

bottle would be smashed over his head. Um, I

57:21

don't know. And I

57:24

usually don't go for that whole fucking, you

57:26

know, if this person does this, but if that person does

57:29

that, I mean after seeing some of those

57:31

videos and I'm not saying it all,

57:35

it's like comedians, you

57:37

know, that we're not all hacks.

57:40

We don't all have lampshades on our heads. We're

57:43

not all on off stage and have to be the

57:45

center of attention. However, when

57:48

people think that about it, I don't about

57:51

comics. I don't sit there scratching my

57:53

head, head, wondering where that stereotype

57:55

came from. You know what I mean? That's my only thing

57:58

with groups of people is like, you know, You know, when

58:00

you're talking about the stereotypes of people, it

58:02

would really help someone who's not in your stereotype

58:05

if you at least acknowledged where it came

58:07

from. Like me, German,

58:10

German Irish, so I get Nazi alcoholic

58:14

fucking lunatic, right? Whatever, whatever

58:17

all of it is. Potato eat and jackass,

58:22

mass murder and psycho. Now, do I like

58:24

hearing that shit? I mean, I guess I don't give a fuck, but

58:28

you know, you know, it's easy for me to say I don't give a fuck

58:30

because it doesn't affect my life. I don't walk into a job interview

58:32

and they go, look at this fucking Nazi red

58:34

headed cunt. We're not hiring you.

58:36

I guess they know what bugged me more. All right. You

58:39

know what? Fuck that whole point. Fuck that

58:41

whole point. I guess I need to listen to people. They're

58:44

just some point. You know what I mean? It was like after

58:46

like 9 11 when they were doing like the at the airport

58:48

where they were like anybody even remotely look middle

58:50

Middle Eastern. They were just fucking, you

58:52

know, giving them the fucking they're

58:54

giving them the business

58:56

and then people were getting mad. Just like, are you

58:58

even remotely going to address

59:01

what the fuck happened? You're going to act like you

59:03

don't know where this is coming from.

59:07

Three thousand people just fucking died.

59:10

That was a joke I was doing in my act. I was like, you know what? If

59:12

fucking 18 redheads flew two fucking

59:15

planes into the world trade center and knocked them down

59:18

and I went to the airport. Yeah, I wouldn't like being

59:20

frisked every time, but I wouldn't be sitting there going, where

59:22

is this coming from? I

59:25

know where it's coming from. And at some level, as

59:27

much as it would be fucking annoying me that those

59:29

airport counts were treating me like that just because

59:31

of the way that I looked at some point, I

59:33

would address the 18 redheads that fucked

59:35

it up for me, fucked it up for me. Right.

59:39

Does that make any sense? Probably does it. All right.

59:41

Let's do some reads for this week, everybody. All right. Let's

59:44

get back to why did you conk out on

59:46

me? Why did the Internet

59:48

conk out on me? How dare you? How

59:51

dare you? And

59:54

now this won't move. Why won't you move?

59:57

I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. This is how you drag something.

1:00:01

What do I want to talk about? Okay. Oh, the Bruins. Here

1:00:04

we go. Bro, here we go.

1:00:06

Bob Bob. 6 0 and 1.

1:00:10

There's 6 0 and 1. Basically, you know

1:00:12

what happened? Not only did they start

1:00:14

to get to know each other as players, I

1:00:17

stopped watching them. And ever since I

1:00:19

haven't been watching, they've been winning. We've

1:00:22

gone 6 0 and 1. The only blemish

1:00:24

is when we played the Philadelphia Flyers.

1:00:29

Yeah, they came back and fucking tied

1:00:31

it up. And then they called

1:00:33

Jeru won it and fucking overtime.

1:00:36

But other than that, 6 0 and 1. Would you look

1:00:38

at that? An old Don Sweeney. Who

1:00:41

I was, I said at the beginning of the year, I'm like, this guy,

1:00:44

the moves this fucking guy made. All

1:00:46

right. This guy is either going to

1:00:48

be the

1:00:50

next Bill Belichick or

1:00:53

he's going to be fucking run out of town because

1:00:56

this guy went all in. It's

1:01:01

just every fucking thing seems to be falling in place.

1:01:03

I know it's really early. It would be ridiculous

1:01:05

for me to get overly excited about this because

1:01:07

when they were over 0 and 3,

1:01:10

I didn't freak out.

1:01:12

You know, I was like, they looking competitive. They just

1:01:14

keep fucking up a little bit about

1:01:16

halfway through the game. Then it became the third period.

1:01:18

Now they're kind of nailing it down. So hopefully this is

1:01:20

what they're going to be doing. But

1:01:24

now, you know, maybe it's more like the Theo Epstein. I

1:01:27

have no idea. All I know is that we're

1:01:29

competitive. And I was sitting there looking

1:01:31

like we're going to lose to

1:01:33

the fucking Canadians every game again this year.

1:01:37

And all of a sudden now,

1:01:39

you know, who knows? Who knows? We'll

1:01:41

see what happened. Right? Lucic

1:01:43

got his first goal for the fucking King. Still

1:01:47

bugs me to see him in that uniform. But

1:01:50

we got the Dallas Stars tomorrow

1:01:54

night. Dallas Stars,

1:01:56

Jamie, Ben, Tyler, Sagan, Patrick, SHAP!

1:01:58

Dude, how many fuck- like former

1:02:01

Bruins and certainly Blackhawks

1:02:03

are playing on number one lines around

1:02:06

the fucking league.

1:02:08

Look at, look at fucking Winnipeg with Blake

1:02:11

Wheeler,

1:02:13

right? Blake Wheeler up there in Winnipeg. We

1:02:15

got Tyler Sagan and fucking

1:02:18

Dallas.

1:02:20

I guess Lucic isn't playing on the number one line.

1:02:22

Is he? No, I don't think he is. But

1:02:25

you know what? That's the greatest thing about going to daily

1:02:27

face off my favorite fucking website

1:02:29

now, you know, and they don't, they

1:02:31

don't pay me to advertise

1:02:33

for the love of fucking Christ, Bill. Can you learn how to drag

1:02:36

a goddamn window here?

1:02:38

All right. And they also said, I didn't realize that

1:02:40

fucking Dallas also has Jason Spencer

1:02:42

from fucking Ottawa is this second

1:02:45

line center. Who knew, who knew that? I

1:02:47

didn't know that. Did you know that? Hey,

1:02:51

what fucking team was I just talking about? Do you remember?

1:02:53

Oh, the Kings, the Los Angeles

1:02:56

Kings, the LA Cunts, where the fuck

1:02:58

are they? Here we go. Line

1:03:01

combinations. He is. He's

1:03:03

first line left wing

1:03:05

with Jeff Kata and Tyler

1:03:08

to Foley. Oh, they broke up that seventies

1:03:10

line. Who would have thought they got

1:03:12

copatars to center on the second one right

1:03:14

now. You're like, Jesus, Bill, how much hockey are you watching?

1:03:17

I'm not.

1:03:19

I'm not. I go to, I just go to daily face

1:03:21

off and you look, you click on line combinations

1:03:24

and you can do it. Jesus, how fucking deep are

1:03:26

they? They're first lines, Lucis

1:03:28

Carter and to Foley. Their second

1:03:31

line is Pearson Coppita

1:03:33

and Dustin Brown. Whenever

1:03:36

I watched the King, I actually like the Kings. Unfucking

1:03:40

believable. The only thing that

1:03:43

makes me happy about seeing the Kings this loaded is

1:03:45

it makes me, it gives me hope that

1:03:47

the Canadians will not win a cup again this

1:03:49

year, though they're playing fucking great.

1:03:54

But anyways, look at the fucking bro. It

1:03:57

came right back around.

1:03:59

I hung in there and I got all those games taped

1:04:02

so I got to watch them and I'm ridiculously excited

1:04:04

to watch the

1:04:07

Dallas Stars game because they're

1:04:09

one of the

1:04:11

best teams all of a sudden. I've always

1:04:13

been a fan of Green and White. Come on, I'm a Celtics fan,

1:04:15

right? So

1:04:18

anyways, let me plow ahead here. Another

1:04:20

great thing that I did while I was out in Chicago is

1:04:23

I went to arguably the greatest drum shop

1:04:25

in the country, Vicks Drum

1:04:27

Shop. And

1:04:31

it is basically

1:04:34

giant. It's a

1:04:36

combination drum shop and

1:04:38

studio space. And I lost

1:04:41

track. I think there's like four floors to

1:04:44

it. And it almost looked like what it used to be is, you know,

1:04:46

like the one of those places you just storage

1:04:49

space. You know, those things are really

1:04:51

weird, like

1:04:52

the way they set them up and there's those narrow hallways

1:04:54

and you walk down them. There's all of that type

1:04:56

of stuff. So he kept all the rooms and he just sort

1:04:59

of combined rooms and put

1:05:01

in windows so you could see through. And he has

1:05:03

like just this symbol room where

1:05:06

he just has like fucking and he has like total

1:05:09

anal like he has every fucking hi-hat

1:05:11

you could think of. And he has them in alphabetical

1:05:14

order. So I don't know all

1:05:16

the drum names, but he starts with like DW

1:05:18

and then it ends with Yamaha. Every

1:05:21

fucking kind you could possibly ever

1:05:23

fucking want the remote,

1:05:25

the remote cabled ones. Everyone

1:05:28

you can think of. He had this DW

1:05:30

double pedal that I had never even fucking seen

1:05:32

before. They look like a piece of jewelry.

1:05:36

In glass. He had another area where

1:05:38

it was just all acoustic

1:05:41

drums. Then he had this whole area that was all

1:05:44

electronic drums. He

1:05:47

had upstairs. These two monster

1:05:49

fucking kits like

1:05:52

a Terry Terry

1:05:54

bozio type shit. I

1:05:57

went over there with a friend of mine. He let her play on

1:05:59

it. Let me play. on it. It was just it was fucking

1:06:01

insane. It

1:06:03

was fucking insane. And I went into

1:06:07

one of his drum rooms. It's nice and clean.

1:06:10

The drums were all tuned up. They sounded fucking

1:06:12

great. And what killed me is I could

1:06:14

have been going down there every fucking

1:06:16

day playing drums when

1:06:19

I was in Chicago, instead of being

1:06:21

laid up fucking habit.

1:06:25

I was I got so drunk

1:06:27

at the Liars Club. And if you think I'm

1:06:29

not going back there again and doing nine shots and

1:06:31

dancing to ACDC, it's over.

1:06:33

Like I tell you right now, Vic's Drum Shop and fucking

1:06:36

Liars Club. I'm hitting those every time I go

1:06:38

to town. Although

1:06:40

next time I'm going to bring the lovely Nia. You

1:06:43

know, Chicago is a

1:06:46

that's it. See, I got all kinds of family out there. And,

1:06:49

you know, one of the big things all the men on

1:06:53

both sides of my family would always take their wives

1:06:55

down to Michigan Avenue, buy shoes

1:06:57

or whatever, like throughout all of the last

1:06:59

century. So that's

1:07:02

something that I have to do at some point. I got to take

1:07:04

I got to take Nia down there and buy her something. But

1:07:09

I could not have had a better time. And I have to tell you right now, if you're

1:07:11

a fucking drummer, I don't give a fuck where you

1:07:13

live. If you're anywhere there in the Midwest,

1:07:17

if you're in fucking Des Moines, I don't want to hear you bitching

1:07:19

about the fucking the ride. Like

1:07:22

if you're going to make a major purchase, you're

1:07:25

going to go buy a bunch of new symbols and all of

1:07:27

that type of shit. I'm telling you get

1:07:29

in your fucking car, drive to Chicago,

1:07:31

go to Vicks. And I'm telling you that guy, he has

1:07:33

everything. He had

1:07:35

Zildjian, he had Sabian, he had

1:07:38

Pasty, Piesty, you obviously that mine, all he

1:07:40

had fucking he had it all every

1:07:42

fucking high hat. Just it

1:07:45

was insane. It was fucking it

1:07:47

was actually like and he was going over

1:07:49

he had a percussion room. He

1:07:52

was he was going over the whole fucking

1:07:54

thing.

1:07:55

It was like it was like sensory overload.

1:07:58

I almost had to try to be like

1:08:00

He had like a whole fuck all these snares.

1:08:02

This whole room was just all snare drums Hundreds

1:08:05

and hundreds and hundreds of fucking snare. The amount of money

1:08:07

this guy has invested in just the fuck

1:08:10

used to be carrying That

1:08:13

that amount of inventory Another

1:08:15

cool thing he had he had a whole tabletop This

1:08:18

giant table almost like an island that

1:08:21

you'd have in like a big kitchen The

1:08:24

whole tabletop the surface was made

1:08:26

out of that material. That's the practice pad So

1:08:30

like literally like 20 drummers could stand

1:08:32

around it and i'll be just trying out sticks and that

1:08:34

was of course in the stick room I

1:08:37

can't even like the whole fucking thing was just

1:08:39

it was just from top to bottom was most insane fucking

1:08:41

place I've ever been to And

1:08:44

I was just like hey man. I wanted to play you know, if I wanted

1:08:46

how much to charge for studio time He's like, hey

1:08:48

like 15 bucks for an hour. I can go

1:08:50

play in a kit

1:08:53

You know

1:08:53

while i'm on the fucking road, that would have been the greatest thing

1:08:55

ever. So that's that's my one regret Is

1:08:58

that I didn't do that three days in a row and

1:09:01

get three hours better on drums or who's

1:09:03

kidding who? I probably gone off at two you got you got to do at

1:09:05

least two, right? The first hours

1:09:07

practice and all the shit you suck at and

1:09:10

then the second hour is just playing to all your favorite songs

1:09:13

Fantasizing that you're in the band. I don't

1:09:15

think that's weird. I think that's normal

1:09:17

for me to do pushing 50 years

1:09:19

of age So

1:09:23

Anyway, so I got the big philly gig

1:09:27

the big philly gig coming up this weekend and

1:09:29

uh friday night and

1:09:32

um It's going to be me

1:09:34

paul versey and joe mattory's joe

1:09:36

mattory's philly native And

1:09:39

um, we're going to be coming in there. So i've been

1:09:41

asking The good

1:09:43

people of philly where I should go to get

1:09:46

my fucking cheesesteak,

1:09:48

you know because tourists like

1:09:50

me go down to geno's and the other fucking

1:09:52

place whatever they are So i've been getting all these ideas

1:09:55

from people and the overwhelming winner

1:09:58

All right. This is like an

1:09:59

election so you're gonna know who's winning and if you guys

1:10:02

think I'm making a mistake you got to send me a

1:10:04

tweet. The overwhelming winner

1:10:07

as far as

1:10:09

not going to those two

1:10:11

places is John's roast pork

1:10:14

in Philly.

1:10:16

Now I know right now everybody in Philly either went like

1:10:19

nuts like yes. I

1:10:21

should say people from Philly listening to this either

1:10:24

went like psyched that I'm going

1:10:26

there or then I'm gonna get a bunch. I

1:10:29

don't fucking go there that place sucks so

1:10:31

overrated I went there and it was fucking dry so

1:10:34

John's roast pork Philly I mean that sounds

1:10:37

delicious so

1:10:39

I think that that's where I'm gonna go that's

1:10:42

where I'm gonna go after the show I'm gonna go

1:10:44

over there I'm gonna stand a fucking line as of right

1:10:46

now unless somebody

1:10:49

tells me unless enough people tell me differently

1:10:51

that's where the fuck I'm going that's

1:10:56

where the after party's gonna be I'm

1:10:58

gonna go out and get a fucking cheesesteak and you know

1:11:00

what I can't fucking wait I can't

1:11:02

fucking wait that's gonna be great I just fast

1:11:05

forward in my life so

1:11:08

anyways but like I said I'm

1:11:10

gonna try to be a good boy here this whole week I'm gonna

1:11:12

be working out and doing

1:11:14

all that type of shit I gotta get my ass back in shape I

1:11:17

put on probably like seven or eight pounds over

1:11:19

two weeks maybe not that much of weight it

1:11:22

just feels like I did but you know what I'm

1:11:24

gonna I'm in town here for a good four or five

1:11:26

days before I have to go back out again and

1:11:28

I'm just gonna eat perfectly and work out that's what the fuck

1:11:30

I'm gonna do that's what I'm gonna do and

1:11:34

I think just from just literally not drinking

1:11:36

at this point that alone

1:11:39

will be enough for me to drop a couple this week so

1:11:42

if I drop a good you know three four

1:11:44

before I do the Madison

1:11:46

Square Garden where I should be happy right all

1:11:50

right so there you go so that's the oh

1:11:53

did anybody see that fucking giant Saints game

1:11:56

did you see the giant Saints games one of those fucking

1:11:58

insane games I've ever seen in my life One

1:12:01

quarterback throws for seven, Drew Brees, Eli

1:12:05

throws for fucking six. Did you just fucking

1:12:07

you want to see every time I watched the Giants,

1:12:10

there's something that reminds me, not

1:12:12

every time, but a lot of times it reminds me of losing Super

1:12:14

Bowls to them. That fucking drive

1:12:16

that they had

1:12:17

the football gods love Eli.

1:12:20

I don't ever want to see that guy again

1:12:22

in the playoffs. He fucking

1:12:24

comes down the field, right?

1:12:27

They're threatened. They were down by what were

1:12:29

they down, but they have down by 14 at that point.

1:12:33

It was like 42 28. Nobody

1:12:35

had even attempted a fucking field goal at that

1:12:37

point, I believe. So probably

1:12:39

hadn't punted either. So

1:12:42

they fucking, uh, whatever they

1:12:44

call a pass play. He drops back to pass. Somebody

1:12:46

comes right up the middle, fucking drills

1:12:49

the guy. He fumbles the ball. Saints

1:12:51

recover. There's like 13

1:12:54

minutes left to 12 minutes left. It's

1:12:56

not the nail in the coffin, but like if

1:12:58

the saints drive down and

1:13:01

fucking score a touchdown or even kick a fucking

1:13:03

field goal, there are three scores

1:13:05

up with probably nine minutes left. They

1:13:08

are ridiculously comfortable at that point.

1:13:11

All right. The defense would probably be a little

1:13:13

deflated because they sense it too.

1:13:16

The saints would be on their toes, you know, either

1:13:18

just a game changer, right? Football

1:13:21

gods step in. Football

1:13:24

gods step in once again. They

1:13:26

called some tiki tack horse shit, fucking

1:13:30

a defensive holding

1:13:33

right on the saints,

1:13:34

which gives the fucking, uh,

1:13:37

giants the ball

1:13:39

back and keeps the drive going. Gives them like a

1:13:41

fucking first down. They get all the way down to the

1:13:43

end. They're on the goal line. Eli

1:13:47

goes back to pass. Here comes the fucking rush

1:13:49

and he's rolling out. They should have sacked him, but they

1:13:51

didn't. He's rolling out. And I know what's going

1:13:54

to happen. He's going to throw the ball and somehow it's

1:13:56

going to land in some giant giant hands.

1:13:58

So he throws the ball.

1:14:00

Back across his body running right

1:14:02

throws it back left with

1:14:04

barely anything on it classic

1:14:06

Brecht's farv

1:14:08

six interception game throw

1:14:11

Throws the fucking thing. It's

1:14:13

gonna be a pick But

1:14:15

the guy in this st. Miss times

1:14:18

his jump Gets hit by

1:14:20

another st. Lands on his fucking head

1:14:22

and gets the concussion and this fucking

1:14:24

duck Just lands into the hands

1:14:27

of a giant for a touchdown.

1:14:29

I've never seen a guy

1:14:32

The horseshoe that is

1:14:34

up this guy's fucking ass. I just I do that

1:14:36

I was like that there right there if we play them again,

1:14:38

that's how we will lose will lose

1:14:40

to him just like that Exactly

1:14:44

to a fucking

1:14:45

T. I don't know what it is He hate

1:14:47

that guy has

1:14:48

the fucking magic and there's nothing to

1:14:50

now that I'm saying this and being a whiny cunt

1:14:52

fucking Patriot fan that guy

1:14:55

also made some some fucking sick

1:14:57

ass throws He's definitely

1:14:59

I'm not sure the guy I fucking love him. I think he's

1:15:01

the shit, but I've never seen a guy Fuck

1:15:05

up so many times and and does

1:15:07

not pay the price for it Maybe I need to watch

1:15:09

him more or maybe I'm still just so

1:15:12

fucking rattled from those two fucking

1:15:14

oh My god, we love when

1:15:16

we undefeated when he threw he threw a pet

1:15:18

to a Sunday Samuel and hit him in both

1:15:20

hands The guy just drops

1:15:23

it Then he throws

1:15:25

behind his fucking receiver the guy reaches

1:15:27

back over the Patriot guys arm

1:15:29

and catches it with his hand in his helmet

1:15:32

fucking I am just

1:15:35

Anybody else that'd be an incomplete pass you fucked

1:15:37

up as a quarterback Or

1:15:40

it would be it'd be a pick. I'm telling you I Never

1:15:43

fucking seen it. It's just what's insane. I never

1:15:46

want to see that guy If

1:15:48

we play the Giants in the Super Bowl this year, I'm telling you right

1:15:50

now I'm not gonna watch it or I'll watch the

1:15:53

first three quarters And then I'm just walking away,

1:15:56

and I'm gonna stand outside my party

1:15:58

and just waiting for the season

1:15:59

screams of agony. I

1:16:02

know it's gonna happen. When

1:16:05

that happens, I'm just gonna fucking I'm just gonna

1:16:07

walk away. But to walk away, I'm

1:16:09

not gonna watch ESPN for like a month. I'm

1:16:11

not I might even take a month off from my podcast. I didn't

1:16:14

want to fucking see it. I'm telling you this guy, he

1:16:17

sold his soul. Something happened. Isn't

1:16:19

that right? Come on. Get over here, buddy.

1:16:22

Get up on the couch. What

1:16:25

do you say there, buddy? What do you

1:16:27

say?

1:16:33

You never do the fucking moment. I give you the hug.

1:16:36

She does this thing. I come up, she give her a hug. She goes,

1:16:40

you stink, buddy. You know that? I'm

1:16:43

gonna give you a bath. You want a bath? Now

1:16:46

there's the look. Why don't dogs like

1:16:48

getting bath? You know what I mean? They hate the process.

1:16:50

But then afterwards, they fucking freak

1:16:53

out.

1:16:54

I can't tell if it's because they feel good or they just psyched

1:16:56

that it's over. But it's almost like watching a junkie

1:16:58

just keep using rather than just going if you just

1:17:01

go through a little bit of misery.

1:17:03

You know, you're gonna be all right.

1:17:05

Huh? No. All

1:17:07

right, let's read some

1:17:09

letters. Cleo, you want to chime in on

1:17:11

some of these? All right,

1:17:13

cross country lady. I mean,

1:17:17

get me up here. She hasn't done the podcast in a minute. Hang

1:17:19

on one second. Hold on. Well,

1:17:22

no such luck. I thought she was downstairs. Where

1:17:25

is she, Cleo? All right, cross country lady.

1:17:28

Bill, I'm a 25 year old girl. You're

1:17:32

a woman. You're a lady.

1:17:34

I'm pretty responsible and competent

1:17:37

and don't whine like some broads over

1:17:39

there. I'm not one of those girls who could say

1:17:41

they know how to change a tire, but I've done enough

1:17:43

that I think I could if I had to. Yeah,

1:17:46

you can change the tire. You

1:17:48

got to change the time, but nobody can change your fucking

1:17:51

tire with the factory jack that they jack

1:17:53

handle that they give you. You can't get enough fucking torque

1:17:55

unless you just some fucking you got

1:17:57

those Popeye forearms. really

1:18:00

need is you just need a little piece of pipe that you can

1:18:02

stick over.

1:18:03

You

1:18:05

loosen the lugs while it's still on the ground.

1:18:09

Then as you go to jack it up, you stick your spare underneath

1:18:11

the tire and underneath the fucking frame in case

1:18:13

it comes crashing down. That's supposed to save

1:18:15

you, but the fucking thing's so goddamn small now it doesn't

1:18:18

matter. All right, you take the fucker

1:18:20

off, you put the new one on. All

1:18:22

right, you put all the fucking lugs on that

1:18:25

you put in your pocket or in a place and none of

1:18:27

them rolled away. And

1:18:30

then you lower the car back down and then you tighten and you

1:18:32

go. It's the easiest fucking thing to know.

1:18:34

All

1:18:35

right, that's the attitude, right? On

1:18:37

a somewhat related but unrelated note,

1:18:39

I'm looking to drive across

1:18:42

the country. I'm moving to Los Angeles

1:18:44

from Rhode Island. My parents are cool and trust

1:18:46

me, but they have their concerns about me driving by

1:18:49

myself. Yeah, absolutely.

1:18:52

You've seen this great country from all your touring.

1:18:55

I suspect early on in your comedy career,

1:18:57

there was more driving than flying. Absolutely

1:18:59

there was. Do you have any advice

1:19:01

or warnings against me doing so? I would

1:19:03

take a week or so and pick out

1:19:06

some different stops. I

1:19:08

drive a 2003 black Volvo station

1:19:10

wagon. It's ready to go. So am

1:19:12

I. What are your thoughts? PS

1:19:15

thanks for checking in on us on Thursday. It really

1:19:17

means a lot. All right. What would

1:19:19

my advice be? My

1:19:22

advice. My

1:19:24

advice would actually be to maybe do it with somebody

1:19:26

else just because

1:19:28

especially depends

1:19:31

on where you're staying.

1:19:33

You know,

1:19:34

as a woman going out there by yourself, I

1:19:36

would definitely stay at nice hotels, enough

1:19:39

underground parking, you know,

1:19:42

just really well lit places.

1:19:45

Don't do what I did where I fuck. I drove across

1:19:47

country in about two and a half days one time. My

1:19:49

team, my big square 1990s TV in the back. And

1:19:53

I would just pull up to shitty hotels and I would

1:19:55

just sleep in the car because I didn't

1:19:58

want to drag all my shit. Out

1:20:00

of the car into the thing. So I just slept

1:20:02

there Like a fucking idiot

1:20:05

someone sort of broke the window by the time I figured

1:20:07

out realize what was going on My throat would have been slit

1:20:09

So I would I would do it with somebody

1:20:12

else if you're gonna go during the winter

1:20:14

time You want to get south as quick as you can?

1:20:18

Maybe go across the 40. Hey Nina, you want to

1:20:20

come on the podcast? Oh

1:20:23

You need breakfast, can you say hello to everybody?

1:20:26

All right Um

1:20:31

So I would maybe do the 40

1:20:34

as opposed to the 70 The 70

1:20:37

is beautiful when you drive across I

1:20:40

believe that one it goes it'll actually go south of Pittsburgh,

1:20:43

but you go through Like

1:20:46

I see my favorite part of the 70 is actually when

1:20:49

you first pick it up Is

1:20:51

that the 15 the 15 goes up and meets the 70

1:20:54

from the West? Well, don't want you to take a fucking map out

1:20:56

going through, Utah I

1:21:01

Got a re-read it, you know, Los Angeles. Yeah, so if you

1:21:03

take the 70 across going

1:21:06

through, Utah going through

1:21:08

Vegas Going through

1:21:10

the Rocky Mountains is this amazing tunnel that

1:21:12

you drive through As

1:21:14

you get out towards Grand Junction and all of that I

1:21:17

will tell you what is a motherfucker is after

1:21:19

I mean you got to do the thing where you You

1:21:23

go through st. Louis, you know

1:21:25

and you see the arch that's the shit And

1:21:29

it's cool right until you get to Kansas City stop

1:21:31

in Kansas City get yourself some barbecue

1:21:34

and then just fucking settle in Because Kansas

1:21:37

is a motherfucker That's

1:21:41

a motherfucker trying to get through that thing although,

1:21:44

you know if the Jayhawks have a game I'd stop baby

1:21:47

Yeah, if you figure out shit that you want to do

1:21:49

along the way You could have a great time But

1:21:52

I gotta be honest with you if you were my sister or my

1:21:54

my daughter or whatever. I would not want

1:21:56

you doing it by yourself But

1:21:59

if you are to do it by yourself. Just make sure you stay in

1:22:02

safe places. Keep your head on a fucking swivel.

1:22:05

And I would also, uh, the

1:22:08

second you get tired, pull

1:22:10

over. I mean, get to

1:22:12

your destination. Don't do the dumb shit that I

1:22:14

did where you're almost like hallucinating. I

1:22:16

got a buddy of mine, a comedian told me a

1:22:18

story. He's the one who cured me of it. He was fucking

1:22:21

driving to the airport, nodding

1:22:23

off like early in the morning. And

1:22:25

next thing he woke up,

1:22:27

he was laying in a field. He

1:22:30

got thrown from the fucking car and

1:22:33

somehow just landed in the field and was okay.

1:22:37

And, uh, he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, obviously.

1:22:39

By the way, did you guys see

1:22:41

that kid out here in Los Angeles? Poor

1:22:43

kid, like 20 years old was driving, lost

1:22:46

control of his car. The thing was rolling.

1:22:48

He got ejected out of the car. And

1:22:51

you know those signs on the freeway that

1:22:53

the trucks, that 18 wheelers can drive

1:22:55

underneath without hitting. He went up, hit

1:22:58

that thing and landed. You know, sometimes they have like

1:23:00

a little walkway up there. His body landed

1:23:02

up there. Um,

1:23:05

so I would say be careful, definitely

1:23:07

be careful. Um, what

1:23:11

the fuck is all the rest of the questions here for

1:23:15

this week? That's what I would say. Oh, look who's here.

1:23:17

He decided

1:23:19

to show up Cleo for the love of fucking

1:23:21

Christ. You got to do that every, every week. I can't

1:23:23

get through the podcast without the thing. You

1:23:26

just love unplugging shit, don't you? All

1:23:29

right. Come in. He helped me with these last few, uh,

1:23:33

these last few questions. I

1:23:35

don't know what just happened to him. I had a bunch of questions

1:23:37

and they all went away. Live or ease content.

1:23:41

Oh, I don't even know

1:23:43

when that one was from. All

1:23:45

right. Here we go. Royals.

1:23:48

You don't want to talk sports, do you? Can

1:23:50

you grab another microphone though? Yeah.

1:23:53

Hang on. Let's see here. You

1:23:56

can plug it in. Here.

1:23:59

Can you grab a microphone? and I'll plug it in. I think it's

1:24:01

somewhere in my bag. Either

1:24:03

that, yeah, we'll probably have to share one. Sorry. Hang

1:24:07

on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sorry.

1:24:10

Plugging in, plugging in. All

1:24:17

right, with the magic of the pause button, here we go.

1:24:20

All right. Nia, we're going to talk sports with you.

1:24:22

Oh, goody. The Royals. Where are they from?

1:24:25

Cincinnati?

1:24:26

Nope. Wait, wait. Good guess,

1:24:28

though. It's

1:24:30

one of those cities. One

1:24:32

of those B, so-called B-level

1:24:34

cities. I don't know. Wait,

1:24:36

wait. No, no, I don't

1:24:39

know. They have great barbecue. Kansas

1:24:41

City? Bam. Billy Bass,

1:24:44

I know you're touring and you didn't get to see much

1:24:46

baseball, but I just want to say how much I

1:24:49

like Harold Reynolds. You

1:24:51

know Harold Reynolds, right? It's a huge difference

1:24:53

having a guy who can explain baseball. I

1:24:55

know baseball, but it's the insight

1:24:58

you want to hear. This was a great World Series.

1:25:01

Don't know what the ratings were, but this

1:25:03

was the best baseball I've seen in a while, despite the fact

1:25:05

that the Mets were lucky to be there based

1:25:07

on their record and slow start to the season.

1:25:09

What the fuck does that mean? What do you mean, lucky to be there?

1:25:12

You don't get lucky getting the World Series. You won

1:25:14

the games you had to win. The Royals played

1:25:16

really excited baseball. Hits

1:25:18

are more fun than home runs any day. Thanks

1:25:20

for the podcast. All right. I guess he's just saying like

1:25:22

Harold Reynolds. That's really not a question. No,

1:25:25

I would say, you know, what's really cool was of

1:25:27

course, you know, this to see George brought

1:25:29

excited, like a fan when he saw him all

1:25:31

run out, you know, the great George Brett last

1:25:34

guy who came to closest to hitting 400.

1:25:36

Okay. He had 400 like

1:25:38

through August almost. He ended up with at 390. All

1:25:42

right. Halloween drama. Here we go. Nene, you were

1:25:44

home for Halloween. Yes, I was. Bill, you're

1:25:49

really bringing it this week. You are really

1:25:51

bringing it. You didn't get any breakfast. Yes,

1:25:53

I was. Halloween is a date

1:25:56

in October. Yes, it is. All

1:25:58

right, Bill, I'll cut right to the chase. I was at a

1:26:01

Halloween party and naturally tons of girls were

1:26:03

dressed scantily clad. My girlfriend's

1:26:05

costume though, though a bit revealing,

1:26:07

was extremely tasteful compared to other broads.

1:26:10

So I see this dude taking pictures of girls'

1:26:12

asses and just being a creep about

1:26:14

it. Yeah, absolutely. So I look

1:26:17

at him as if to say, what the fuck are you doing?

1:26:19

He just walked away. A couple minutes later

1:26:21

I see him snapping a picture that was framing my

1:26:23

girlfriend's tits. Albeit

1:26:26

they were covered and not hanging out. It was

1:26:28

a party, still a creep move. Yeah.

1:26:30

So I stepped in front of him in front of him.

1:26:32

Yep. He said it's a party. Everyone's,

1:26:35

everyone takes pictures. A couple

1:26:37

people looked at me funny like I was an overprotective

1:26:39

douche. What? No. The thing is

1:26:41

I opened my mouth before it even

1:26:44

involved my girlfriend. Did I do something

1:26:46

wrong? Of course not. Well,

1:26:51

and that's the thing about it. It's like, I feel

1:26:53

like it's,

1:26:54

women can say over and over

1:26:56

again, don't take pictures of me, you know,

1:26:58

stop layering at me, stopping a fucking disgusting

1:27:01

perverted creep, but it's going to take guys

1:27:04

like you and other guys to say to other guys,

1:27:06

like, that's not cool. Like, stop taking pictures of these girls

1:27:09

unless they're like posing for pictures for

1:27:11

you. Right. I think, I think, I think, I think

1:27:13

of my girlfriend. I don't do that. I don't care

1:27:15

if it's a party. I don't care. That happened to

1:27:17

me one time. I went to some bar

1:27:19

club or something and I was dancing with my girlfriend

1:27:22

and

1:27:22

this dude came and was like trying

1:27:24

to video the entire thing of

1:27:26

us dancing together and I was like, I just stopped

1:27:28

and I put my hand in front of his face and I was like, don't

1:27:30

do that. He was like, well, you freaking out about my,

1:27:32

everyone's just like taking pictures. It's cool. It's cool.

1:27:34

I said, no, it's not cool. You're not allowed

1:27:36

to take pictures of me. Stop taking pictures of me.

1:27:39

And then finally he

1:27:40

just kind of like turned away and I'm sure you go when you're

1:27:42

in public. He actually is allowed, but you still

1:27:44

just tell him he is allowed. He's

1:27:46

allowed. If you want, you're in public, you consider it in

1:27:48

public and it's, on your,

1:27:51

but it doesn't make it. Okay. It's the new cell

1:27:53

phone. Irenia. It's, I don't, but

1:27:55

there's no rule that says you're allowed

1:27:57

to just take it. There's no rule.

1:27:59

Do we need to talk about?

1:28:03

Sorry, I knocked the plug out. We're back

1:28:05

here. Here's the thing. Like with

1:28:08

cell phones now, like all of that type of stuff, you

1:28:10

can tell somebody not to do it, but they

1:28:12

can't be prosecuted or anything for doing

1:28:15

it. Once you're out in public, you're

1:28:18

considered in public and people can take pictures

1:28:20

of you.

1:28:22

Like the paparazzi, they just follow famous

1:28:24

people around. They take fucking pictures of them and everything.

1:28:26

They can't go like

1:28:28

into their house

1:28:30

or go onto their property. Then they're considered

1:28:32

trespassing. But the second you walk out there, we

1:28:35

have my question. I don't think obviously I don't think

1:28:37

that someone should fucking take pictures.

1:28:40

That's definitely creepy. But as far as the leering

1:28:42

thing goes, do you think women

1:28:44

have any responsibility as far as if you're

1:28:47

going to go out there and dress suggestively

1:28:50

aren't do they have any responsibility?

1:28:54

I think that if you go out and

1:28:56

you're dressed in a revealing

1:28:59

way, I

1:28:59

think, yes, of course, naturally,

1:29:02

people are going to look at you,

1:29:04

but it doesn't give anybody the right to say

1:29:07

nasty things to you or

1:29:10

to touch you or to think that they just

1:29:12

have. I'm not talking about touching. I'm

1:29:14

just saying somebody's staring at you.

1:29:16

I knew you were going to get mad. No,

1:29:18

I knew you were going to get mad. I'm just saying,

1:29:23

if you don't want that to happen to you, right?

1:29:26

I can wear whatever the fuck I want to

1:29:28

wear. That's the bottom line. So can I,

1:29:30

I can walk down the street wearing a fucking suit

1:29:33

made out of dollar bills. And then when I get hit over the head

1:29:35

and mugged, I'm going to be like, I should be allowed

1:29:38

to blabble. But there's like the way nobody

1:29:40

you wish the world could be and the way

1:29:42

it really is. I agree. But I don't think

1:29:44

that anyone should feel like they have access

1:29:46

to you on those levels just because

1:29:49

of what you're wearing. It's still not right. Absolutely.

1:29:52

It's not right. But my fucking saying the same thing.

1:29:54

I know. But my thing

1:29:56

is, is you know that there's creeks out there. You

1:29:58

know that there's animals out there.

1:29:59

there. Why would you put yourself in

1:30:02

the crosshairs of them? Because I

1:30:04

well, because it's not about them.

1:30:06

It's about what about you

1:30:08

or the person you are. Yeah. And

1:30:10

so if I want to go out and wear something sexy,

1:30:12

because I'm feeling myself, then I'll go out and wear

1:30:14

something sexy. And I would expect that people would

1:30:17

look at me. Sure. But

1:30:19

what I expect them to start like taking pictures

1:30:22

and shit now. I'm not saying pictures. I'm saying

1:30:24

the leering thing.

1:30:25

Like as a guy,

1:30:28

you're gonna get look on the guy side of is

1:30:30

when a woman shows up with their tits hanging

1:30:32

out. Okay, and you look at her tits,

1:30:35

and then she gets mad. We're always like,

1:30:37

well, fucking put them away. And then it's

1:30:39

always like, well, I should have a right

1:30:41

to have my tits out there my tits. You

1:30:44

know, and then we we get yelled at like,

1:30:46

where these fucking lunatics and it's almost like

1:30:48

like that in policing. That's

1:30:50

like entrapment. Well, I think that

1:30:52

we're first of all, no one's fucking thinking about you. All right,

1:30:55

you're not

1:30:55

fucking Marion Barry. This is an entrapment.

1:30:58

Okay, so yes, look,

1:31:00

I'm not standing there like the entire time. It's like I

1:31:05

start feeling fucking creeped out

1:31:07

and weird out and unsafe. So

1:31:09

have your luck and keep it moving. Okay, so that's

1:31:11

definitely fair. Have your luck and keep it moving.

1:31:13

I love it. That's the rule. So let me ask

1:31:15

you this. But don't try to invade my

1:31:18

space and try to get into my head and all

1:31:20

that kind of shit. Like don't do that. Have

1:31:22

your luck. Keep it moving. All right, here's

1:31:24

my question for you. What's the difference?

1:31:27

What's the time we will put a shot clock

1:31:29

on this, you know, in the NBA, they got a 24 second

1:31:31

shot clock. The difference between

1:31:33

having your look in liering, how many

1:31:36

seconds before your shot

1:31:38

clock violation you turn over the ball?

1:31:40

I think anything beyond

1:31:45

five seconds.

1:31:47

Five seconds is a great look.

1:31:49

Yeah, five seconds to do it.

1:31:51

The old up and down. Nice, maybe

1:31:54

a little smile.

1:31:56

Keep it moving. All right. Now that took less than

1:31:58

five seconds to even describe all that. Well, so

1:32:00

I think five you want to have five seconds. I'll

1:32:03

show you five seconds. He's looking

1:32:05

in one

1:32:06

two three Four

1:32:09

five so someone can look at you that long. Yeah, that's good.

1:32:12

That's all right. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine You're

1:32:14

a hot shit. All right, five seconds Any

1:32:17

ladies out there if you want to you want to add some time

1:32:19

to that you want to shave some off? There

1:32:22

that is the kind of thing that the guys though cuz

1:32:24

listen sometimes, you know What's the worst thing

1:32:26

is when you're not a fucking pervert

1:32:28

But the woman's gorgeous and she's wearing something

1:32:31

so revealing and then she comes at you like

1:32:33

you're a fucking creep And you just like you

1:32:35

wearing a catsuit

1:32:38

Like what am I supposed to

1:32:40

look?

1:32:42

Okay That's

1:32:44

all right,

1:32:45

that's um, yeah, you can it's like

1:32:47

I keep saying look and keep it

1:32:49

moving That's it

1:32:52

You know what have to be this whole fucking thing

1:32:54

where you're like staring and panting and

1:32:56

by staring you're trying to get my attention So

1:32:58

that I react that's like if you're gonna stare

1:33:01

then I catch you staring. Sorry

1:33:03

for staring you just you you look beautiful Thank

1:33:06

you moving on. There you

1:33:08

go. And then what if he tries to talk

1:33:10

to you? I mean, you know, what's he supposed to do? You

1:33:12

look good. He wants to fucking

1:33:15

you know, thank you. Keep it moving

1:33:18

Jesus Christ.

1:33:20

Yeah

1:33:21

You can't what if he wants to ask you that what

1:33:24

if you know, what if he was single? Mm-hmm I

1:33:27

mean, yeah

1:33:28

Well, it depends if I'm interested in like

1:33:30

continuing the conversation or whatever then

1:33:32

yes Let's continue the conversation. But

1:33:35

in all aspects you got to like wait for like

1:33:37

the opening

1:33:37

to appear You can't just force the

1:33:40

opening Sounds gross

1:33:46

We're like door-to-door salesman

1:33:48

single guys we just we have to like fucking

1:33:51

just knock on the door Yeah,

1:33:53

you're doing up ill. I really like to

1:33:55

have some affection. Okay. Thank you Yeah,

1:33:59

and that's the thing about it. It's like guys act like,

1:34:01

you know, it's not like the fucking end of the

1:34:03

world. Like, you know, 10 seconds later,

1:34:06

you're talking and looking at somebody else. So what

1:34:09

is the big deal about moving on if there's

1:34:11

not like the person saying, like,

1:34:13

Oh, I want to like you and your music fucking

1:34:15

break. I can't, I can't get mad at any of this

1:34:17

five second. Look, keep it moving. If

1:34:19

I give you a look like I want to keep talking. These are really

1:34:21

basic ideas. You know what I mean? It is. It's really,

1:34:24

really basic. All right. But what, what to talk

1:34:26

to you that they'll continue talking to you. Oh, thank

1:34:28

you so much. Oh, my God. Are you here with friends?

1:34:31

And then that boom, let me ask you, if you haven't

1:34:33

been out with a friend who's wearing something so revealing

1:34:36

and they're getting so much of that attention, they're complaining

1:34:38

about it. Have you ever said to him like, well, maybe

1:34:40

you should have put the girls away a little more. You know,

1:34:43

maybe you should have brought the garage door down a little

1:34:45

bit more. No, you've never said that.

1:34:48

No, I've never thought that's any my

1:34:50

girlfriend. Have you ever thought it? You've ever felt

1:34:52

it? No, you've never had

1:34:54

a roommate or a girlfriend just

1:34:56

show up and be like, Oh my God, her

1:34:58

hoo is almost peeking out from

1:35:00

underneath that dress. This is going to

1:35:03

be a rough one. Like, you know, all these dogs, you

1:35:05

never think that I have to be honest with you, though.

1:35:07

I don't think that most of my girlfriends

1:35:11

dress

1:35:12

revealingly. Okay. So if you've seen somebody

1:35:14

that you don't know, have you seen somebody that you don't

1:35:17

know, show up at a club? Okay,

1:35:19

with like, you know, body paint on and

1:35:21

a pair of pasties and just go like, am

1:35:25

I at carnival? Like, what is

1:35:27

she doing? You know what I'm talking about.

1:35:29

I'm just asking you women also look at

1:35:31

the woman. Yeah. And look at her and

1:35:33

be like, what is that idiot doing?

1:35:37

Um, yeah, probably. I

1:35:39

think that's a yes. But for some reason, you're not going to

1:35:41

give it to me because I'm a guy. Well, no, I

1:35:43

don't think that's it. I think there's definitely been

1:35:45

times where you're just like, really, girl, really?

1:35:48

Okay. All right. And that's

1:35:50

that's that's about it. All right. That's my

1:35:52

girl. Really? Okay. Okay. That's fine.

1:35:55

Okay. That's not a good answer. Or like if I see a girl

1:35:57

wearing a short that are like like

1:35:59

denim shorts.

1:35:59

that are basically fitting you like underwear,

1:36:02

I feel like that's a little extra

1:36:05

to have your ass hanging out. But if a girl wants

1:36:07

to walk around with her ass hanging out, it's like I'm not,

1:36:10

it doesn't trip me out, but

1:36:12

I do personally feel like it's a little bit

1:36:14

much. But I'm also getting older,

1:36:17

so I'm getting a little bit more conservative.

1:36:19

Cause I don't need to see your ass cheeks girl,

1:36:21

I don't need to see that.

1:36:23

But it's not, a lot of times I will

1:36:25

continue that it's not for me, it's

1:36:28

not even necessarily for guys, it's for her. So

1:36:31

despite how I might feel about, wait,

1:36:34

wait, despite the way I might feel about

1:36:36

how she's dressed, that

1:36:38

is her decision to be dressed how she's

1:36:40

dressed. And guess what? It doesn't ruin my whole

1:36:42

day and it doesn't send me into the tailspin of like,

1:36:45

oh my God, I don't understand, these girls

1:36:47

are walking around half naked and I'm not

1:36:49

supposed to look like wham wham,

1:36:52

five seconds, keep it moving.

1:36:54

No, but here's my thing. Do you understand how fucking

1:36:56

ridiculous it is?

1:36:58

To walk down the street with your

1:37:00

ass hanging out? I do understand how ridiculous

1:37:03

it is. I do think it's ridiculous, I think

1:37:05

it's too much. But again, it's

1:37:07

not my fucking thing

1:37:09

to get upset about with somebody else wearing. You

1:37:12

know what's funny? It's not my business. When I drive down

1:37:14

the street,

1:37:15

being an ass man, if a woman has her ass

1:37:17

hanging out, I'm psyched, I got like a free

1:37:19

show. Yes, exactly. And there's that classic thing,

1:37:22

there's that classic thing where like, how

1:37:26

guys can't do that, there's nothing we can do like

1:37:28

physically like that that makes you guys almost crash

1:37:30

your car. It's like a hacky joke, but if

1:37:32

you're walking down the street with half our nut bag hanging

1:37:34

out, you'd be like, ah! Yeah, it'd be gross. Yeah.

1:37:38

Because that's

1:37:38

not sexy. We're

1:37:41

animals, I know, we're animals.

1:37:42

A woman's ass can be sexy,

1:37:44

her breasts, her legs,

1:37:45

her whole body is just like curvy and delicious

1:37:48

and the whole thing. That guy with his ball

1:37:50

bag hanging out is disgusting

1:37:52

and you want to call the police. Yeah,

1:37:54

there was a car, like the woman's like

1:37:56

a Lamborghini or a Ferrari or

1:37:59

a Porsche. But how many? And we're like, we're like, flashers

1:38:01

do you know, like, have you ever heard of a woman

1:38:03

like going into a place and exposing

1:38:05

her genitals to like a room full of men

1:38:08

running out as creepy as that is. I

1:38:12

flashers are the funniest fucking thing. And

1:38:15

the fact that they, you know, the classic

1:38:17

one with the fucking wingtip shoes,

1:38:19

the dark socks and just the raincoat

1:38:22

on and you just throw open

1:38:24

your fucking show

1:38:26

and you're flaccid dick or whatever. To

1:38:29

me, and then people are

1:38:31

horrified. Like the

1:38:33

reaction

1:38:33

that you get. It's like traumatic. It's fucking weird. That's

1:38:37

the funny thing about it is that you would think

1:38:39

that you were doing something because in the end you

1:38:41

wanted to get a positive reaction.

1:38:44

But to fucking throw it open and people literally

1:38:46

repulse like, when you do

1:38:48

that, looking at your naked body, the fact

1:38:51

that they get off on that is fucking

1:38:53

hilarious to me. So it's gross. It's

1:38:58

just a dick.

1:39:00

Just a dick outside, you know, yeah,

1:39:04

it's like, no, no, it doesn't. Doesn't

1:39:06

want to be free. It doesn't need to be free. Keep

1:39:09

it tucked away and your little

1:39:11

underpants. You know, I can understand

1:39:13

most fetishes. That was the for the life of me. I

1:39:16

don't get what are you doing? What are you doing? Then

1:39:18

you do that and then what you jerk off to

1:39:20

the screams still ringing in your head. I

1:39:24

don't know. I

1:39:26

don't know. I don't even know if they do it when

1:39:28

I was on. I don't think that they

1:39:30

do it like I think Hollywood made it be the

1:39:33

raincoat because they couldn't show a dick

1:39:35

on film for whatever reason. So they just had

1:39:37

the guy go like that. So would block all of it. You just

1:39:39

see his naked legs and he was understood

1:39:41

that he was naked. But I think really, for

1:39:43

the most part, it's probably sweatpants

1:39:46

and they probably yank him down and then they have it right

1:39:48

underneath their junk and they got. All

1:39:50

right. All right. Okay.

1:39:54

Well, I remember being

1:39:56

in the New York City subway car. Yeah. I

1:39:59

know. masturbating in front of me and

1:40:01

I ran out and I was pretty much in

1:40:03

tears. It was so upsetting and it

1:40:05

was just so

1:40:06

It's like it's violating, you know, there's

1:40:08

someone staring at you. It's being like why are

1:40:10

you laughing? It's not funny It

1:40:13

was really upsetting

1:40:16

See you don't fucking get it. I

1:40:18

know I think you should have laughed at

1:40:20

him and pointed right at his Well, yeah,

1:40:22

exactly what he wanted. He wanted to like me

1:40:24

to keep like watching it and like no He wanted

1:40:27

you to be fucking shocked. I was I don't

1:40:29

know either way either either way

1:40:31

was just Horrifying and it

1:40:33

felt like it felt terrible. It was like

1:40:35

it was it was a real violation

1:40:37

of Me,

1:40:40

you know, like you can't just like see

1:40:42

a stranger and just start jerking off What's

1:40:45

a good mental figure keep it moving

1:40:47

get home and then rub one out. Yeah,

1:40:49

like a gentleman for your dirty studio

1:40:51

Roach infested apartment Well,

1:40:54

why just cuz he jerks off on the train doesn't mean

1:40:56

he can't be successful nine to five I don't

1:40:58

really care about his success if

1:41:00

he feels the need to jerk off. Maybe he's

1:41:02

one of those guys He's like you are not a success. You are

1:41:04

a failure. I Got

1:41:07

to think afterwards after you've done doing it Like

1:41:09

at some point when you come home and you're brushing your teeth

1:41:11

and you look yourself in the mirror you gotta be like Wow,

1:41:13

I'm that guy. I'm that guy that jerks off the people

1:41:16

on the train. I'm sure they hate themselves

1:41:18

and they should Look

1:41:23

at Cleo half on the bed half off and

1:41:25

I'm sitting over here. What do you want? What do you want for me? All

1:41:27

right, Halloween drama. Okay. Yeah, so

1:41:29

getting back to that thing. He didn't do something wrong. The other guys

1:41:31

are fucking creep Yeah, you definitely

1:41:33

like into jets when shit like that is going

1:41:36

on and let other men

1:41:36

know that's not cool All right hologram

1:41:39

comedians

1:41:40

Ain't breaking bad bill.

1:41:42

Have you heard that a comedy club in New York might

1:41:44

showcase Carlin and prior holograms?

1:41:49

Okay, I mean, I

1:41:51

don't I don't get that that's fucking weird

1:41:53

that's like a live wake to me

1:41:55

Why I don't understand the point of

1:41:58

it's just go home and go home in what

1:42:00

it's going to be material you've already seen. So

1:42:02

all you got to do is you just go home and you just

1:42:04

put in the DVD. I would like to

1:42:06

have been there for that Tupac hologram at

1:42:08

Coachella a couple years ago. That

1:42:11

would have been interesting only because you know,

1:42:14

you're probably like on a ton of drugs

1:42:16

at Coachella and stuff like that. So you're just like, like

1:42:19

there are all these videos of people like

1:42:21

recording it, you know, on their phone and you hear people

1:42:23

in the background going, I knew it. And people

1:42:25

would be like, I told you I thought like he was

1:42:27

actually alive. And then they're like, Oh, no, wait, it's not

1:42:30

what I don't like about it. What I don't like

1:42:32

about it is Tupac didn't

1:42:34

agree to do the gig. He didn't agree

1:42:36

on the money. Who owns the rights

1:42:38

to his life? His mom probably and she

1:42:41

probably gave it the okay. Can I tell

1:42:43

you? Oh, really? What is that? The after school

1:42:45

special version of entertainment? I'll tell you right

1:42:47

now. I bet I'm going right now in the

1:42:50

future,

1:42:51

in the future,

1:42:53

I bet all dead celebrities

1:42:55

like, like fucking scumbag

1:42:58

people in this business will own their likeness.

1:43:00

They'll somehow trick their fucking next to whoever

1:43:04

into fucking selling the rights

1:43:06

to them. And they'll still have these people touring

1:43:08

and they're put together like these, these

1:43:11

hologram fantasy teams and

1:43:13

people and they'll make money off of these people and

1:43:15

their loved ones won't get any of the cash. That's

1:43:17

what I'm getting. That's going to be the lawsuit. Okay.

1:43:19

In the next 20 years that

1:43:22

a dead fucking George Carlin

1:43:24

went on tour and gross $20 million

1:43:27

or something like that. And none of his next to

1:43:29

kin got any money. And

1:43:31

then some fucking little piece of

1:43:33

shit will have no comment.

1:43:35

Yeah.

1:43:36

You don't think so. That's what I think about that. That doesn't

1:43:39

happen. Of course

1:43:41

it will. They already fucking

1:43:43

they've been used. They started using them in commercials.

1:43:45

They had like a dead John Wayne selling like

1:43:48

fucking an Xbox or something. It's fucking

1:43:50

ridiculous. All right. Cross

1:43:52

country. Watch some cross country.

1:43:54

Oh, I already did that one. Oh, this lady said really quickly.

1:43:58

She was saying she's 25 year old girl. She's uh

1:44:00

gonna be moving across the country. She's driving LA

1:44:04

To Los Angeles. She's driving

1:44:06

the car by herself. Obviously get the whole fucking

1:44:08

thing. Please be careful. Yeah, right I

1:44:12

said she should do it with somebody else

1:44:16

I mean, yeah, she'll be she'll be able to handle it.

1:44:18

She'll be she'll be alright. Just be careful Yeah, just

1:44:20

make sure that car is running perfectly And

1:44:23

you know, make sure you don't stop in any sketchy

1:44:26

fucking motels. It always makes me think

1:44:28

of your bit about Murderers

1:44:31

buffet. What did you call it? A serial

1:44:33

killer? But there's killer buffet a motel. Oh,

1:44:36

they just walked around. Yeah, well your door

1:44:38

opens up to the parking lot But yeah, there we kill

1:44:40

a buffet. I'm killing this guy. I'm killing that guy

1:44:42

that one's alright Yeah, you stayed in that

1:44:44

fucking hotel from no country for old men

1:44:47

Alright legal zoom everybody. I do a couple of

1:44:50

you want to see me do the reeds and then sign off Sure.

1:44:52

All right Legal

1:44:55

zoom buddy somewhere along the line. I know I pissed

1:44:57

you off and that the flash or thing Did

1:45:00

I no, I don't know just in

1:45:02

general Just put

1:45:05

go on just an in general annoyance of

1:45:07

me. Yep, but please

1:45:09

Really read your read your

1:45:11

ads. I come back off for two weeks or conquer

1:45:15

I was so happy and within 24 fucking

1:45:17

hours. You're already sick of me. That's what you're saying Unfucking

1:45:22

please you know what Nia if you ever leave you

1:45:24

ever leave me for the rest of my life I'm

1:45:26

just me that guy I'm gonna have dogs I'm

1:45:29

gonna have dogs and I'm gonna go down to a massage parlor

1:45:31

every day get one rubbed out I'm gonna be

1:45:33

good for us today dogs and the fucking

1:45:35

NHL package. Tell my jokes. That's