0:01

Hey. What's going on? And spill. Bird

0:03

is time for the Thursday afternoon just

0:06

before Friday Monday morning podcast and I

0:08

just check any and on you showed

0:10

that fucking tag. sorry I got the

0:12

Bruins and the Celtics on right now.

0:14

Who's wearing J. Miller's old number that

0:17

sec religious? He could at least be

0:19

in our ring of honor. Her. As

0:24

predicted on Monday, I told you these Maple Leafs

0:26

are not done. How could How can you

0:28

just keep losing? Playoff Series. And

0:31

I said they have fucking great fans how they keep

0:33

showing up but we're coming out of the period and

0:35

they're They're all still downstairs. Shower,

0:39

Or something. whole bunch it. empty seats

0:41

that's gotta be in between periods. It

0:43

was a long line. The

0:46

Canadian Strike too many mole since I love

0:48

the people think that people in Canada drink

0:50

Molson. They're

0:55

not. You know what they drink.

0:57

They drink American beers because America

0:59

is the greatest country. Which is

1:01

why the Stanley Cup has been

1:03

in America for over thirty one

1:05

years. You know, Of

1:08

Canada was a better country. We be

1:10

down here drinking Molson. Nobody drinks Molson.

1:12

I don't care what you name your

1:14

fucking arena after what I think it

1:17

was the Molson Center. Hey listen it's

1:19

this Goes Your Bank Arena. He

1:23

also got the Celtics on there

1:25

in a game with the fucking

1:27

Jimmy Butler lists Miami Heat. Fuck

1:30

and unbelievable. Although I

1:32

did kind of see that common throughout the

1:34

year when we would get into games with

1:36

like the fuck in Charlotte Hornets are here

1:38

we go. Little bit

1:40

of a run here. Fifty nine,

1:42

Fifty Five. celtics. Are

1:45

right. People. At the garden start to

1:47

stand up. On. I

1:51

will say this: I'm going to miss the. The.

1:54

Gold. In.

1:56

The Bruins uniform. I just thought. you know usually

1:58

when they they dick or. What? The uniform?

2:00

I don't like it, but those those uniforms

2:02

looked really sharp at that. Goals: But.

2:06

I think the penguins have the gold so

2:08

he can't do that. Although. They came

2:11

back to the league and fucking took our colors that

2:13

and give a shit and their whole thing was like

2:15

all of hang was around before the Bruins he and

2:17

then they sold it in he gave up you fucking

2:19

colors. Would. You would

2:21

you do to save my seat Set

2:24

of version of fuckin' sports. Ah,

2:27

Anyway, you haven't figured it out yet,

2:29

but I guess she'll hey this tomorrow.

2:31

We're in a series here with these

2:33

Toronto Maple Leafs. Stop and down the

2:35

fuck And I said zero to zero.

2:37

both teams feeling each other out like

2:40

to fight. is that respect each other

2:42

in the first spotted routes? Ah. Any

2:46

who. Ah oh Billy Fucking

2:48

Slim Fast. Are

2:51

both Billie Slats s. O.

2:53

Billie fucking. Get. An

2:55

after up thought can tell you

2:57

right now no steroids. See the

3:00

people know this testosterone. He with

3:02

my pepperoni on my fucking pizza.

3:04

None of this shit. I am

3:06

fuckin' all natural old dad torso

3:08

com and down to the pool.

3:11

Appendix Scar and everything.

3:18

Ah, I'm no. I am Very.

3:20

I'm very proud of myself. I've

3:22

been. Ah. No bread.

3:26

The. Fuck was wrong with that pass. That.

3:29

Offsides: Charlie Coyle

3:31

Ah. No

3:35

bread, drinking water, No

3:38

booze. Just

3:40

seat and pro teams with

3:42

vegetables and ah, eat enough

3:45

vegetables forests. And. I

3:47

am. Totally used

3:49

to it. And.

3:51

i gotta tell you guys something all of these

3:53

stupid fuck and things you see on tv you

3:55

know you know the come on late at night

3:58

there like hey are you have said fuck Can

4:00

you just not get into these chains and then there's

4:03

somebody fat looking at the camera like shaking

4:06

their head, you know? Why

4:09

don't you get on this? Why don't you get on that? You

4:11

don't need to do that. You don't need

4:13

to do it. I'm telling you. It's

4:15

working for me. Therefore it means

4:17

it's going to work for everybody

4:19

because that's how human beings

4:21

think. I'm

4:24

just saying it's working for me. I'm

4:26

not going to lie to you. It sucks at first, but

4:30

then you get used to it. And I just

4:32

went to the movies. Oh,

4:35

they give it away in their own fucking end. I love

4:37

it. Shit,

4:39

nothing. I

4:43

went to the movies and all I got was a water.

4:47

And I was looking at all of this shit that I used

4:49

to order. When

4:51

I would get up to the counter, I get the

4:53

popcorn. I get myself some fucking, the yellow M&Ms, the

4:55

one with the nuts in them. I

4:59

tell you, if I ran a movie theater,

5:02

right, a single screen, you

5:05

know, we're going to survive this shit. Movie

5:10

theater. I would bring in those almond ones. You

5:13

know, it's always the plain M&Ms, which

5:15

are just fucking, nobody can eat a

5:19

whole package of those plain M&Ms and not

5:21

be regretting it two thirds of

5:23

the way through as like you

5:25

literally feel your body going like, dude, that's enough

5:27

sugar for the year. I don't

5:29

know what it is about the plain M&Ms, but there's

5:32

something wrong about them. That's

5:34

like the gin of the chocolate

5:36

world. You know where like you drink gin and then

5:39

you just become this fucking,

5:41

I don't know what you

5:44

go from like a 21 year old to

5:46

like a fucking 63 year old divorced

5:48

three times sort of surly. He becomes

5:50

surly. Yeah,

5:53

that's the sugar version. I'm into

5:55

them, but the, you know, the yellow

5:57

ones, the peanut ones.

6:00

But every once in a while, my kids, why can't they go almond? Um,

6:04

anyway, speaking of that, I brought my truck

6:06

in to get serviced and I

6:08

went over to, uh, this old

6:10

school Ford dealership out here treated me

6:12

right. And, uh, I

6:16

pull in, you know, I ordered my truck and

6:18

it took almost a year for it to fucking

6:20

arrive and I pull in

6:22

and everybody, oh, it's a nice truck. You know, all the

6:24

salesmen, they like it. You know, you don't see many, too

6:26

many regular calves. No, you do not, sir. No,

6:29

you do not. And as I'm all proud of

6:31

my truck and I park, I look over and what

6:33

do I see? I see

6:35

three trucks brand new and they got the

6:37

two tone paint like they did. I

6:40

want to say right up through like the

6:42

ninth generation, like factory,

6:44

you could get that two tone or maybe the

6:46

eighth generation ones, the 88 to like 92, whatever,

6:49

but in right up to the OJ Simpson one.

6:53

Those years, that was a ninth

6:55

generation. They will make

6:57

ninth generation Ford's pickups. I don't know where

7:00

the Bronco was at that point. I

7:03

would say, well, they had the first ones that

7:05

was small and then they went

7:07

to the big one in 78 or 79 and

7:09

then they were all big and ended the

7:11

fucking thing went away. Went

7:14

away sometimes in the nineties. What am I talking about? Anyway,

7:16

I saw him the two tones and I was like, are

7:18

you guys offering two tone colors now?

7:22

Did you go back to that? And they were like, no, no,

7:24

no, no. Those are, uh, those are custom. And I was like,

7:26

all right, good. All

7:28

right, good. And then they, uh, yeah,

7:31

they treated me right. Yeah. Old

7:33

school style. None

7:35

of this, uh, Jiffy loop bullshit. So,

7:39

um, sorry, this is what happens when I'm like watching

7:41

a game. I start talking about not going to Jiffy

7:43

loop and going to a car dealership instead. I mentioned,

7:46

or maybe I didn't mention. I

7:49

did mention OJ Simpson. Uh,

7:51

now one of the most amazing things about

7:53

when OJ died and they were showing his

7:56

football highlights, um,

7:59

you know. And then also all the people

8:01

that like, you know, are furious,

8:05

still furious at him for killing two people. It's

8:07

a bad look for my people because there's a

8:09

lot of white people that have done the exact

8:11

same thing to other people and we just don't

8:13

seem to have the same passion. That's

8:18

the funny thing about race. It's really like

8:21

sports teams. It's like my team cheats your

8:23

doesn't know your team cheats mine doesn't. All

8:26

right, I'm gonna go out here. I'm just gonna

8:28

seize my hot take on sports. I don't need

8:30

to see these fucking jerk offs walking into the

8:32

arena with their dumb suits and their stupid fucking

8:34

headphones on. Now

8:38

they're doing it with like hockey players because it became

8:40

such a thing with like NBA players

8:42

and then they started dressing to it to

8:45

build their brand. It's

8:48

like, I don't care about your suit. Your balls

8:50

are going to be sweating within 10 fucking minutes.

8:52

Why do I give a shit about your habit,

8:54

Dashery? I got money on the fucking game. How

8:59

many more sports do you think are going to do it? They

9:01

do it in football. They do it in basketball. They do it

9:03

in football. Basketball

9:06

players seem to have the most fun with it. Football

9:10

players, little boring hockey players. I mean, they just,

9:12

they look like agents. Like

9:15

it was all muted colors just walking in

9:18

there. Does

9:20

it keep going? Am

9:22

I going to watch jockeys? You

9:24

know, their little legs walking in.

9:28

What are you wearing? Is that a, oh

9:31

my God, I came into it. What's one of those

9:33

Burberry? Oh

9:36

my God, Tyler Herro is killing us. Every time I

9:38

go on and they're showing a fucking three point goal,

9:40

it's halftime. All

9:43

right. All

9:46

right. The TNT American Express. What

9:51

are they doing now? Now the guy's going over here

9:54

to the giant board so he can draw it

9:56

out. You know, I'm, I'm so glad they finally have a screen

9:58

because back in the day when people had happened. time we

10:00

talk about the game I had no idea what they were

10:02

doing until they diagram the whole fucking thing out Oh

10:05

grumpy old man he's

10:07

a grumpy old man no I'm just

10:10

upset because I have a bad fucking

10:12

feeling about both of these games I

10:16

feel like the Maple Leafs somehow adjusted

10:19

midway through the second game and

10:21

now we've adjusted to their adjustment and now we're

10:23

staring each other and whoever scores first is gonna

10:25

fucking win this this is one of these games

10:27

look at the head of hair on the coach

10:29

of the Maple Leafs goddamn

10:32

if his hair if their game plan was as

10:35

good as his fucking hair they

10:37

would have another fucking Stanley Cup comment

10:40

on you

10:42

silver fox son of a bitch that

10:45

guy could literally read the news and the country would

10:47

believe him all right let

10:50

me tell you how much Austen Matthews attempted

10:52

growing a mustache annoys me that

10:56

Salvador Dali fucking thing he always

10:58

grows phenomenal hockey player anyway

11:04

I got a lot of nerve as a bold son

11:06

of a bitch and a ginger on top of it

11:08

the double whammy Charlie coil

11:10

with a hand pass that's okay in your own zone

11:12

now is that what they're saying but you

11:14

can't still can't cover it in the crease that's a

11:16

penalty shot we all

11:18

up to speed have you guys been

11:20

watching those videos trying to figure out

11:23

like how a kickoff is gonna work

11:25

they're gonna stand a half a yard

11:27

away from each other and the the

11:29

receiving team can't move until the guy

11:31

catches the ball well how they gonna

11:33

we can't cut the ball why don't

11:37

they just move the kicker back so they'll return

11:39

the ball why don't they do that you

11:43

know and once again

11:45

that was Jim Erce and he was all pissed because

11:47

the Jets returned a fucking kick at the end of

11:49

the game and

11:51

they end up losing in the fucking playoffs and the

11:53

next thing you know they fucking moved the kicker up

11:56

so they'd kick it out of the fucking end zone

11:59

I'm blaming him for that one. I blame Jimersey for

12:01

fucking everything. Um, anyway,

12:05

I'm going to Phoenix, Arizona for

12:07

not one show, not

12:10

two shows, not three, four

12:14

shows. First three have sold

12:16

out. Uh, there's still a few tickets

12:18

left for the, uh, for

12:20

the Sunday, uh, show and

12:23

I'm going to be out there with Vinnie Mark and,

12:27

um, did they

12:29

just knock down our goaltender and we didn't do anything about

12:31

it? Is that what the fuck just happened? Nobody

12:35

did anything. Was

12:39

that Domi? Why

12:43

does it say pizza pizza on their helmet? We

12:47

need to utilize this blank space so we could try

12:49

to make more money. I

12:51

mean, if we do that, that, well, that'll pay for all

12:54

the pucks we're going to use this year. Um,

12:58

do you think that's why they put the nets up? It wasn't

13:01

to protect the fans as much as it was to save

13:03

money on pucks going into the stands. Who knows? I

13:06

like to think hockey thinks about their fans first. Um,

13:10

anyway, so I'm going to be going

13:12

out there. I'm going out there with,

13:14

uh, Vinnie Mark and, uh, Paul Verzi

13:17

is coming into town on the weekend.

13:19

Uh, me and Verzi had a great

13:21

time last time we were out

13:23

there. So, uh, he had a weekend off and I

13:25

asked him if he would do me the honors and

13:27

he's coming out. So

13:30

it should be a sick ass show and, uh, I'm going

13:32

to have a hard time following both of those guys. So,

13:35

um, what am I going to do when I get out

13:37

there? What does one

13:39

person do when you go to

13:41

Arizona grand

13:43

Canyon? You don't want to go. I don't camp.

13:47

I don't camp. I am a, I'm an indoor dog.

13:50

I don't do that. I don't do none

13:52

of that shit. None of that outdoorsy

13:54

shit. And, uh, Bill, what are you going to

13:56

do? someday? When the dollar collapses and the food

13:58

supply goes, I'm going to, the die. And

14:01

I will be a food source for you. Okay,

14:04

Right even in my desk, I'll still be

14:07

a giver. You

14:09

know guys, cassette cysts? how I'm wired.

14:11

You know? I guess I care too

14:13

much snow. it's more. just like you

14:16

know, I don't have

14:18

time to learn how to survive, right?

14:20

It's like. I

14:23

learned how to like write jokes. You

14:26

know, I'm. Trying to get better at

14:28

drums. I've

14:30

got a pilot's license. I don't have time to

14:32

do this survival shit to, you know, because it

14:35

everything suffers. And. The odds

14:37

of the apocalypse happening in your lifetime

14:39

and the everyone has just been predicting

14:41

the forever. That's what's funny is if

14:44

you go back and you watch all

14:46

of these movies from the nineteen hundreds.

14:49

Something about the year two thousand they they

14:51

thought it was all going to end in

14:54

the year two thousand and was gonna end

14:56

and Cheeses was coming back. The apocalypse. It's

14:58

gonna be World War Three. You know before

15:00

that, before that earlier in the sensory. Nineteen

15:02

Eighty Four Oh My God and I by

15:05

Nineteen Eighty Four all of this shit that

15:07

this eight in the book which really is

15:09

happening now. He

15:12

just he was a little too. Early.

15:15

Ah, point blank save on

15:17

Tyler Matthews. Mustache

15:20

Mustache Ah, I'm. Anyways,

15:25

ah. I

15:28

just, you know, I think

15:30

a lot of shit gonna change in my lifetime,

15:33

but I think the end of the world is

15:35

coming. Unless of fuck, an asteroid hits us and

15:37

then there's really no surviving. That's right, That's

15:41

gonna be fascinating. like bomb. On.

15:44

A Reset. Like.

15:46

What skyn it like? Like. Who would

15:49

survive that? You. Know

15:51

there's a lot of liberals out here

15:53

in Hollywood that makes on a redheaded

15:55

people. Ah I'm. But. a lot

15:57

of him know how to live outside lot of hers but

15:59

i'm probably living outside, you know? I

16:02

didn't want to have a house on Google maps, so

16:05

I got me a

16:07

camouflage underground situation. I

16:10

bought one of them things you saw in

16:13

the second season of The Wire when they

16:15

were down on the water. What do you

16:17

call those things? You ever see those people?

16:24

It's so funny, those things, right? They go, somebody

16:26

digs it out, and then you buy one of

16:28

those giant crates. They take them in containers. They

16:30

take them off. You fuck it off the ship.

16:32

They put them on the dock, and then a

16:34

truck pulls up, and then they take it, and

16:37

they stick it on the back of the truck.

16:39

People buy those things, and they build these underground

16:41

fucking shelters. But you

16:46

don't do it yourself. You

16:49

can't, in a sneaky way, buy one of

16:51

those. You got to hire a company to

16:53

dig the fucking thing. You got to buy

16:56

the crate off of somebody, and there's this

16:58

whole paper trail. Everybody knows you're hiding underneath

17:00

your front yard. You

17:03

got all kinds of beans down there, and

17:05

then they're going to see this stink pipe

17:07

fucking chimney,

17:09

won't they? Ever

17:14

see those doomsday preppers? They're

17:16

sitting there going like another

17:19

point blank save. The fucking maple leafs are going to score. We

17:21

got to get it out of our own end here. What

17:24

are we doing? All

17:27

right, here we go. Moving it up. What are they playing here?

17:34

Standard D. I thought they were playing the lock

17:36

there. Maybe

17:38

they are. I don't know. Anyway, you

17:41

see these doomsday preppers. I

17:43

love the guys where they have it worked out where

17:45

it's just them. I knew I had

17:48

a buddy of mine live back in Massachusetts, and he

17:50

was all fucking psyched going like, dude, when the shit

17:52

hits the fan, I got fucking

17:54

well water and I got chickens. It's

17:56

just like, all right, Fantastic.

17:59

You have some. Supplies know? how are

18:01

you going to defend those with just

18:03

yourself and your family? You're gonna get

18:05

overrun. You think everyone's gonna starve to

18:07

death gone us? You know? I wish

18:09

we had well water like that guy

18:11

begin to come in and take it.

18:13

So what's gonna really have like if

18:15

you look at those fucking nom. Whatever.

18:18

Those those militia groups they did that?

18:20

they're not really stockpiling eggs. So

18:25

the apocalypse been stockpiling shit so

18:27

they could go and steal eggs

18:29

right and then again numbers and

18:32

then again to be organized. So

18:34

maybe what you need to do.

18:37

You gotta get with your friends. Nine.

18:41

Months. A tough one because we commit a

18:43

murder I might describe. told me once you do

18:46

with somebody else so me going to get

18:48

nervous somebody's gonna flip you both gone to

18:50

jail in one guy is a deal but

18:52

of the apocalypse I think all rules are rough

18:54

sea. not to worry about anybody slip. it's

18:56

right sega you need like a half a

18:58

dozen. I

19:01

mean this is just to survive so I don't know. I mean

19:03

I don't I don't a highly do it. I

19:06

don't I do. You have to

19:08

be like really organized and really

19:11

well arms and have a plan.

19:15

To. Kind of like know what's com and right? This

19:18

is why I gave up on all of that shit

19:20

because I see bought one of those fucking you know.

19:22

Where. Those those. Things you have food

19:24

in and then it also becomes a toilet. You know

19:26

you take all the food out and then you put

19:28

a seat on top of it. New shit in a

19:31

bucket and I'm like I don't sit in a bucket.

19:34

Said rather get overrun. Be

19:38

that guys. Here.

19:41

When the zombies com they're going to find

19:43

me and like a bathrobe and slippers polishing

19:45

off of fuckin cigar. Muzzle.

19:48

Have a drink at that point. We.

19:52

Say they're gray face. Of

19:55

I would want to get fuck Adidas. as

19:59

you This is why. So

20:02

I went to the fucking movies today. That's why

20:04

I'm talking about all of this shit. And when

20:06

I saw that movie, Civil War, which was just

20:08

gorgeously shot and you know,

20:10

it's about like a civil

20:12

war in this country. And

20:18

you know, it's just one of those things I just look

20:20

at, you know, when you watch those things, you're like, all

20:22

right, who would I be? Who

20:25

would I be in this? And

20:28

I was, I'd be that dead guy. That's who I would be.

20:31

Yep. That's how that's going

20:33

down. They're just shooting these pucks right at

20:35

people. Who

20:39

knows? But I'm holding out that that's not

20:41

going to happen. I feel like there's

20:44

a good thing about this greedy tech

20:46

nerd, robber baron era that

20:49

we're in right now is it's going to,

20:51

it's going to bring unions back. Work

20:54

union work, work better work union used to

20:56

be the bumper sticker. And then, you know,

21:01

unions got bad reputations because

21:04

they would price gouge and add extra fucking

21:06

people. Let's be honest here. Like the

21:08

unions weren't fucking perfect either. But

21:11

you know, to balance out the

21:13

greed on both

21:15

sides, you need both, right?

21:17

You need Coke and Pepsi. Isn't

21:20

that how it works? I don't fucking, what

21:23

do I know? Anyway, I saw

21:25

that movie highly recommended. Tristan

21:29

Dunst is phenomenal in it. And

21:33

it's good to just to take a fucking day off, you know,

21:36

go to the goddamn movies. Oh,

21:39

speaking of which, I have a movie coming out. I

21:42

got a movie called Unfrosted, direct

21:45

written and directed by Jerry Seinfeld.

21:48

It's about the history of the Pop-Tart. I

21:54

mean, I don't know how you could have

21:56

a more Jerry Seinfeld movie than that, because

21:58

that's like. When you

22:00

used to watch Seinfeld, you'd be like,

22:02

how did they get a whole episode

22:04

out of that one little thing in

22:07

life? Right? And they did it. And not only

22:09

that, they made arguably the greatest sitcom of all time

22:11

and a lot of people's opinions. Right?

22:14

And I, okay, boomer. Okay.

22:19

One generation. It's

22:22

all your fault. I love when people say, okay,

22:24

boomer. I'm like, fantastic. I'm generating X and boomers

22:27

are getting blamed for something again. Anyway,

22:31

uh, yeah. So

22:34

this movie is the same thing where it's

22:36

like, how, how can you, the

22:39

history of the pop-tart, that's a movie and

22:42

God damn it. He did it

22:44

and it's getting great reviews and I'm psyched. I'm

22:46

just in it for like a minute and,

22:50

uh, I

22:52

had such a good time, uh, working on it.

22:54

And it was only like one day and it

22:56

shot like in LA.

22:58

So it was great. I just,

23:01

and it was classic Jerry went down there. It

23:04

was moving along. They got me in, they

23:06

got me out. I mean, I don't think I was there more

23:08

than four or five hours. We just

23:10

knocked it out and shot the scene. And

23:12

uh, it was great. I will tell

23:14

you that like comedians do make great directors. Fuck.

23:17

That was beautiful. You motherfuckers. That

23:20

was a fucking gorgeous goal. Toronto won

23:22

nothing. Oh boy. And

23:25

there they are. There they are. Maple leaf

23:27

fans jumping up and down outside the stadium.

23:29

That's, you got to show them, you

23:33

got to show them every year and then they're

23:35

going to sadly walk away. Maybe not this round.

23:37

I don't have a good feeling about this fucking

23:42

this year. You know, we've just been kind of just, I

23:45

mean, Jesus Christ, how the fuck you let him in

23:48

behind you like that? Looking

23:50

around, looking at people. Ah,

23:54

Jesus. Fucking look like me

23:56

at pickup. Anyway,

24:00

let's see what we got going here. This is going to

24:02

be the double whammy. Come on Celtics. Come on Celtics. Come

24:04

on Celtics. What do we got

24:06

here? Coming out of halftime. Coming out of halftime. 63-62, we got

24:08

a game. We

24:11

got a game. All right, let's leave this on for a

24:13

minute. Anyway,

24:18

it's kind of funny that they still wear

24:20

sports, but they have those pajamas on underneath

24:22

them. Like, what is the point of wearing

24:24

shorts? That wasn't a foul. That

24:29

was terrible defense. I still don't get

24:31

why the defensive player has to clear

24:33

out in his own end. It's unbelievable.

24:35

Let's not get there. Three

24:38

seconds on the defensive player. Just clear out

24:41

so the guy can dunk on nobody. I

24:46

went to Eric White. What a fucking year he had.

24:48

They said he's up for possibly defensive player of the

24:50

year. That guy just keeps getting better,

24:52

man. Shot

24:55

clock down to two seconds. Frzingis

24:57

pulls up a fucking

25:00

brick. All

25:04

right, I'm turning away from the TV. Turning

25:06

away. So these guys are

25:09

trying to get me to golf when I get out

25:11

to fucking Arizona. And

25:14

I, for the 90th time, retired

25:16

from a sport that I never even started. I'm

25:18

not going to shit on golf right now. What

25:21

I'm actually going to talk about, because I love

25:23

professional golfers. And I

25:25

think if you're a

25:28

golfer that hustles people, I

25:30

think that that makes it a cool game. Playing

25:34

it at the pro level and

25:42

going out there, acting like you suck. I

25:46

mean, it's pretty ballsy to be hustling somebody that

25:48

has not only a club in his hand, he

25:50

has another 10 options in a bag right behind

25:52

him. Have

25:57

they ever made that movie? They

26:00

made the hustler with Paul Newman. Fast

26:03

Eddie, right? One of these

26:05

nights, I'm gonna fuck one of these nights,

26:08

boom, do the Eagles. One

26:11

of these crazy, crazy nights. Um,

26:14

I should watch the hustler and then the color of

26:16

money back to back.

26:21

That's something I'll do on the road. Um,

26:25

anyway, I'm really excited. Guess what I did?

26:27

I fucking wrote out the drum chart. To,

26:30

uh, oh, I haven't

26:33

even told you about this. I fucking, somebody told

26:35

me a quest love. I follow him on, um,

26:38

the social media is there. And

26:41

he was, he was raving about

26:44

the new album from Willow Smith. Smith.

26:47

Did I just say Smith? Willow Smith.

26:53

I'm sorry. Right as I

26:55

went to say her last name, I was trying to figure

26:57

out how to say the name of

27:00

her album and path

27:02

and path again. So

27:05

I was thinking of that. I was, while I was thinking Smith,

27:08

whatever the hell is, whatever the fuck I just

27:10

said, I'm leaving that in. I'm not

27:12

editing that. Um, Willow

27:15

Smith's new album and path again.

27:18

And, um, if you're a

27:20

drummer, man, you got to check this thing. And just in

27:22

general, like, uh, I did I

27:25

already talk about this? Yeah. That symptom of life.

27:27

I, um, I actually

27:30

had to sit down and write it out

27:32

on a piece of paper. So

27:34

I could figure out where fucking one, what the

27:36

hell the drummer was doing. And it ended up

27:39

being something like

27:41

really simple and just, he just kept

27:44

repeating it. It's just that it was

27:46

in seven. So it was fucking up

27:48

my ears because

27:50

I'm used to listening four four. Right. So,

27:52

uh, I wrote the whole song

27:55

out the whole chart. And, uh, I went out

27:57

to the garage and

27:59

was. messing with it

28:01

on drums and it's

28:04

fucking hilarious. Like I would go to play

28:06

it because every fourth one, the

28:08

drummer does sort of like embellishes it. And I was

28:11

trying to play the embellishment too. And then I had

28:13

to keep starting over the song and

28:15

I was out there for like an hour messing with it. And

28:18

by the end of it, I

28:20

could do, I could get through the chorus, which

28:22

is in four, but when they would come back

28:26

and play in seven again, they

28:29

only play one bar of seven without the

28:31

drums. Then the drums come in and then

28:33

he does this thing where he

28:36

plays a whole different phrase with like a

28:38

16th note triplet, plays

28:41

that for a few bars, and then goes back to

28:43

the original phrase, all of it in seven. And that

28:45

was just beyond my drumming

28:47

capabilities. But I had a great time

28:51

fucking with it. I'm going to stick with it. I

28:53

think that's going to be a killer album when it comes out.

28:55

So definitely check that out. And

28:59

I hope it inspires more people to

29:02

make pop music that isn't always

29:05

in four or, you know, I don't know. I

29:08

like that shit. I like those James Cagney. I

29:11

like those guys. Anyway,

29:13

all right, that's the podcast. I know I was

29:15

all over the place. I

29:18

know I just mispronounced the

29:21

name Smith. Like that's how much I'm fucking

29:23

sitting here watching TV, flipping back and forth.

29:26

Come on Bruins. Can

29:28

we do it to them again? You know what's funny about like, you

29:32

know that team that you always beat? That

29:34

team you always beat, you don't even think about them. And

29:36

then all of a sudden you go to their city and

29:38

you're wearing like a t-shirt or

29:40

a hat, right? And you're

29:43

getting all these dirty looks. And you're like,

29:45

the fuck? You

29:48

know, what's this all about? And it's

29:50

just like, oh, you fucking hate the Bruins here. Like

29:52

that's Toronto, Toronto Maple Leaf fans

29:55

fucking hate the Bruins. And I don't know why.

29:58

We haven't done anything to them. We

30:03

meet you in the playoffs and you guys figure out

30:05

a way to lose. I don't know why you're blaming

30:07

us. That was like Pittsburgh

30:09

Steeler fans and San Diego Charger

30:12

fans during the Tom

30:14

Brady era. I would go there. If

30:16

I had a Patriots hat, I'd be like, I got to take this fucking thing off. Like

30:20

I, the only

30:22

people that you pay attention

30:25

to are the ones that are beating you.

30:27

You don't pay attention to the ones that you always beat.

30:30

And that's what always fascinated me about Yankee fans up until

30:32

2004. It was

30:34

like, like they had

30:36

legit hatred for the Red Sox. It's just

30:38

like, why? Why would you hate

30:40

us? We fucking sold your Babe

30:42

Ruth, set the whole thing

30:45

off and we've,

30:47

we've done nothing but lose to you.

30:49

We've blown leads. We've fucking given up

30:51

home runs to short stops. You should

30:53

fucking love us. But

30:58

for some reason they don't, I will say what is

31:00

fucking hilarious though is the, is those

31:04

Knicks fans. So I'm hoping, you know, you

31:07

know, chanting, we want Boston. So I'm really hoping that

31:10

we meet them. Cause that'll be

31:12

funny. He just hauled him down. That's not a penalty.

31:15

He literally just grabbed Austin

31:17

Matthews and pulled him down behind the fucking net. They

31:19

didn't call any day. I thought I had no place.

31:22

All right. It's been minutes to go here in

31:25

the second period, but I'm done here with

31:27

this, this, the podcast. I

31:30

got to stop watching games when this shit is on. I

31:33

get too fucking distracted. All right. That

31:35

is the part. I did do some things. I taught you

31:37

how to handle doomsday. I

31:39

told you to go see civil war. What

31:44

else did I do in there? Oh,

31:46

and Willow Smith's new album. First

31:49

two tracks are out on iTunes. I got them.

31:52

They're fucking amazing. I'm going to

31:54

do something new. I think that's

31:56

it. Yeah. That

31:58

was it. All right. podcasts,

32:01

have a great weekend, you cunts, enjoy the music.

32:03

There's a nice trip right there. Marshawn getting away

32:05

with that. Score.

32:08

Get the fuck out of here. Wow.

32:16

Marshawn doing what he does best. Getting

32:19

under people's skin, annoying the shit

32:22

out of them. Wow. Oh,

32:26

that's a backbreaker. Oh,

32:29

look at the silver fox. Oh, guys, couldn't

32:31

we just fucking, couldn't

32:33

we just go into the second period in

32:36

second intermission up one nothing. Let's

32:39

see. Oh, I mean, that was just a textbook

32:42

fucking trip. And

32:46

then he talks shit.

32:49

I love it. Get them off the ice. Oh,

32:53

my God, that was a gorgeous goal. Trent

32:56

Frederick. That

33:00

was fantastic. We

33:04

hauled down Austin Matthews and

33:06

then was it partusi.

33:09

And then we scored a goal. And now Reeves

33:11

is out there. All right, here we go. You

33:14

got a little playoff hockey. All right, we'll see

33:16

what happens. Maple Leafs still look good. Let's see

33:18

how they weather the storm. Well, you already know

33:21

how they weather the storm. You guys are in

33:23

the future. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

33:25

Enjoy the music picked up by Andrew Themless. And

33:27

then we got a we

33:30

got a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon

33:32

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast afterwards. All

33:34

right, I'll see you. Hey,

34:02

what's going

34:05

on? It's

34:22

Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning

34:24

Podcast for Monday. Monday,

34:26

is it April? I'm going

34:29

to go with April. April 25th, 2016. What's

34:33

going on? Hello, how are you? How are you?

34:37

I just got back from Iowa, connected

34:40

through Phoenix. Could not get a direct

34:43

flight out of Des Moines. Des Moines

34:45

International Airport in Des

34:47

Moines, Iowa. One of the greatest international airports

34:49

you'll ever go to. My hotel

34:51

was right next door to it. I

34:53

was there for about three hours before the show.

34:57

Okay. I think I heard three jets

34:59

take off. It's

35:01

fucking awesome. It's a

35:03

decent sized airport too, but there's

35:05

very little people. You know,

35:08

come out of them cornfields. You

35:11

know, getting out of their death metal fucking

35:13

band rehearsal and going to the Des Moines

35:16

International Airport to fucking go anywhere, evidently. Breezed

35:19

right through security. All the

35:21

whole thing. I love fucking, I

35:24

love little airports. I

35:27

love them the way some of these chicks

35:29

love that dude who left that fucking band.

35:32

Those poor fucking little girls. How could he

35:34

do that? Why

35:38

the fuck do parents film their kids? An embarrassing

35:40

moment. I can see if siblings do it, but

35:42

it always seems like a lot of parents. They

35:44

just film their fucking kids. And

35:46

it's just like all those girls who fucking got

35:48

filmed or filmed themselves. You really should take it

35:50

down. But once it's up there, you're finished. You

35:54

fucking done. You can't

35:56

run for president with that on your fucking profile

35:59

history. I wonder

36:01

who's gonna be the first one to run for president, right? And

36:04

then they just pull up, you

36:07

know, some clip from their childhood on Facebook

36:10

or on YouTube or some shit, some video

36:12

of them either saying something fucked

36:14

up or getting hit in the balls and

36:16

then crying like a little girl or something like that. You

36:19

know, do you remember that time when that fucking that fat

36:22

kid threw that thing at that the

36:24

little kid and the kid ran over and he threw the skateboard

36:26

at him and the kid fucking fell

36:28

down and let out a cry like, I

36:32

can't even fucking do it. In

36:35

that moment, that kid's life as

36:37

far as any sort of leadership

36:39

role is over. You

36:42

know, and I know what you're saying. You go, well, look

36:44

at him. Billy's out there eating ring dings, running

36:46

around with his high pitched voice. Who's gonna

36:48

follow that into battle? It's like

36:50

people fucking develop later in life. You

36:53

know, you should have seen me when I was

36:55

a kid. Better yet, it's good thing you

36:57

didn't fucking orange hair,

37:01

you know, fucking total introvert

37:04

lunatic lunatic

37:06

literally could not talk to a girl thought my

37:09

face turn and beat red. I was a fucking

37:11

mess. If there was fucking videos of

37:13

that or all the fucking ass kick ins I

37:15

took, I remember a girl beat me up enough

37:18

when I was in third grade, this fifth grade

37:20

girl beat me up because I

37:22

was playing with this kickball and her sister came

37:24

up and was playfully taken away from me. So

37:27

I ran up to take it back and she was running along the school

37:29

and I ripped it out of her hands. You

37:31

know, used to playing with boys and she's kind

37:33

of careened into the side of the school, which

37:36

of course is made a brick because

37:38

you know, if it catches fire, you know, you want

37:40

something to be able to rebuild on. You

37:43

know, I mean, all those rugs and everybody inside are

37:45

going to go up like a fucking bowling alley, but

37:47

you want the main structure because the

37:49

town's got to pay for it. Anyway, he

37:52

goes into the building, hit her

37:54

head and as I'm like, Oh

37:56

fuck, I'm sorry. Her fucking sister

37:58

showed up. There's a big

38:00

difference between third grade and fifth grade. She looked

38:02

like a substitute teacher to me. That's how much

38:05

fucking older she looked at me and she fucking

38:07

just rained these fucking punches down on me. And

38:10

I held it together, you know, I,

38:13

you know, I waited to the end of the round, I knew I was going

38:15

to lose the decision and I was all right.

38:18

I was trying to walk it off. It really fucking hurt.

38:20

And then some girls, I forget what she said to me,

38:22

but it actually made me cry. She

38:25

said something supportive. I

38:27

have no idea. So, um, yeah,

38:30

now if there was video of that, I

38:32

mean, that's it. If they ever had, I mean, this

38:35

is a guy you won't run in the country. Get

38:38

beat up by a girl and start

38:40

crying. How

38:43

the hell is he going to keep America safe?

38:45

How's he going to keep children safe? How's

38:49

he going to keep Jesus safe? And then that's going

38:51

to be end of the end of it. All these

38:53

fucking people, you just film your fucking kids. All

38:57

this oversharing. I don't give a fuck that your kids

38:59

13 years old is in love with a boy band.

39:01

Stop filming the fuck. I mean, I'm not talking about

39:04

the kids who film themselves, but sometimes it's parents, which

39:06

is really weird. Like I hate those

39:08

families that all get into their care van and they start

39:10

singing songs or doing dances. And

39:14

they're just like, wow, that's the funnest family ever. You

39:16

know, I can see through it. You

39:19

know, the second the camera turns off, the dad turns

39:21

into Joe Jackson. So

39:26

beating their asses all over the fucking house. Anyway,

39:32

sorry, that was just a complete, a complete

39:35

left turn. But I don't

39:39

know. I'm actually fascinated with that dude leaving the

39:41

boy band at the height of their fucking popularity.

39:44

You know, just as far as, you

39:46

know, being in the entertainment business going, all right, now,

39:48

how do you do this? Did he make enough fucking

39:50

money? You know, goddamn well, his

39:52

manager and everyone around him stole from

39:54

the guy, did he

39:57

make enough fucking money? The

40:00

thing about it is, is he's so young, he's going to

40:02

look like that guy for a while. So it's not like,

40:05

you know, he's at that age where

40:07

he can just slip back into the, you

40:11

know, like at my age, I'm going to be 48, in

40:13

10 years I'm going to be 58. I'm

40:15

going to look way fucking different, okay? 48

40:18

is the last sort of like, you know, I

40:20

could go down, maybe play some pickup hoop and

40:22

I could get picked last, that's it. And then

40:25

48 to 58, that's, you know, when you start

40:27

getting the chicken neck, you know, you

40:30

start getting your fairs in order. He's

40:34

getting like fucking 21, you know,

40:37

it's barely going to be 30, right? A

40:39

little over 30, I should say. So if I was

40:41

him, I would shave off

40:43

that fucking facial hair and

40:46

I would just start eating McDonald's and

40:48

I've just become a fat fuck. And

40:51

then I just wait to see how well, you don't want to be

40:53

a fat guy. If you're a fat guy, then, then

40:56

you're like, you're like famous in a different way. Like everybody

40:58

looks at you, but you don't have a show, you know,

41:02

if you get to that level of fat. All right.

41:04

Don't get like circus fat. I

41:07

mean, funny, he did that and he was just so good at

41:09

everything. He became like the fattest guy ever, you

41:11

know, and then everyone was staring at him again

41:13

and he's just like, fuck, I just can't not

41:15

be famous. Um,

41:19

anyways, good luck to that kid and, and

41:21

parents take, take down the fucking videos, you

41:23

goddamn kids, you fucking weirdos. There's probably some

41:26

pervert out there that likes to jerk off

41:28

the fucking girls crying to boy band members

41:30

who just left. There's probably a fetish at

41:32

this point, you know, nothing

41:34

else left to jerk off. You create a

41:36

new, literally create a new type of porn.

41:41

All right. Anyways, plow it,

41:43

plow it ahead. Now I know what

41:45

all you guys think I'm going to talk about, you

41:48

know, you're going to be

41:50

like, Oh, I saw a big sports story.

41:52

Oh boy. Oh boy. I hope I, I

41:54

hope he didn't fucking record his podcast before

41:57

that went down. Well, I didn't, I

41:59

didn't. Okay. And we'll talk about that later. I

42:01

just don't give a fuck the way I

42:03

used to. Let's get to

42:06

what I really give a shit about. So like

42:08

two things I give a fuck about right now. Game

42:12

seven in St. Roy's. And

42:16

fucking game five back in

42:18

Atlanta. The

42:20

Boston Celtics. I missed every fucking second

42:22

of the last two games because I

42:24

was on the road. I

42:26

missed all of them. I was fucking driving. I

42:28

didn't have my phone. So

42:32

my fucking leg was going down. I had

42:34

to fucking pull over to rest area, you

42:36

know, stretch it out. You know what

42:38

I mean? Keep my head

42:40

on a swivel looking for fucking truckers

42:43

questioning their sexuality and fucking what are

42:46

they? Serial killers. Serial

42:48

killers love a fucking rest area. So

42:51

anyways, um, I

42:55

missed, I missed all of that. All I know is that they came

42:57

back, they tied it up. I was so

42:59

happy. And I did see the clip of whoever

43:01

that was. Was it a smart on the fucking

43:03

smart on the Celtics barely

43:05

getting touched and literally throwing himself out of

43:08

bounds? I mean, I know he got fined

43:10

five grand. They should have given him at

43:12

least like a thousand dollars off just

43:15

because he kind of heard himself. He went up so high.

43:17

That was one of the worst fucking dives I've ever seen

43:19

in my life. And

43:22

uh, I mean, I

43:24

even think that the Celtics probably teased him about that

43:26

by the time they got to the locker room. Jesus

43:28

Christ, you just flop to the ground. Fucking

43:30

jumping up in the air. Um,

43:34

anyways, and the St. Louis

43:36

blues. What the fuck? You

43:39

know, I already went to a heartache with my team. I

43:41

fucking hitched my wagon to you guys. You

43:43

get up three to one. I knew I fucking

43:46

knew they had to win

43:48

game five game five. You also fucked up about a

43:50

seven game series. You're up three games to fucking one

43:52

and you think like, oh, you fucking win

43:54

one. No, you fucking have to win game

43:56

five. Cause the second you don't win game five,

43:59

the last. two games the pressure's on you all

44:02

of a sudden it goes oh no wait a minute Bill

44:04

lost game five Bill the other guys when

44:06

the next game is tied up and you

44:08

know I'll tell you right now anything can

44:10

happen the

44:14

Chicago Blackhawks have the momentum going

44:16

into game seven the St.

44:18

Louis Blues have a history of playoff collapses

44:20

you know that's all they're saying on the

44:22

fucking oh

44:24

my god oh

44:27

my god I had

44:29

such belief in this team I still believe me when I'm

44:31

fucking three games to one and I was

44:33

sitting there and I said without a doubt I

44:35

said the fucking Celtics were gonna win game three

44:37

I called it and then I talked shit and

44:39

I said like I said the Celtics were gonna

44:42

win game three the fucking st.

44:44

Louis Blues are gonna win game six and

44:46

they were up three to one before I

44:48

went on stage in Kansas City and

44:53

I was thinking like all right they got

44:55

that fucking with an Elliott net he's playing

44:58

great they got they have a size advantage

45:00

yada yada I think this looks pretty good

45:02

so I go on stage right I

45:04

do my shit and dick jokes for about a good hour

45:06

and a half I come off the

45:09

stage had a great fucking show and I

45:11

walk in the green room and

45:13

all the fucking Blackhawks fucking

45:16

cheesing ear to ear grin

45:19

they cut to Mike Milburn I see the final score was

45:21

it was like six to three and I was just like

45:23

what the fuck happened tell

45:26

you what happened five unanswereds fucking goals is what happened

45:28

I've yet to see the highlights of that but um

45:31

I'm recording my podcast right now and I'm gonna go over to

45:33

the writers from here working on episode

45:35

three written by yours truly for

45:38

next season who likes the cartoon

45:40

fucking 13 months before it

45:42

comes out this guy and

45:45

then I'm gonna be I'm taping the

45:47

blues game so I'm not gonna

45:49

be on Twitter any of that shit just in case you

45:51

guys you know send me

45:54

scores and shit but I'm gonna I can't

45:56

wait to fucking watch that game it's gonna

45:58

be great either way I I want

46:00

to see St. Louis win, but

46:03

you just have to respect the

46:05

fucking greatness of the Chicago Blackhawks

46:07

during this era if they come back from this. I

46:09

mean, it's just, you know, it

46:13

goes beyond, you know, you got to have guys like

46:15

that, guys that have one fucking, what, they went two

46:17

already, two or three, two, I think. They

46:21

still want to win more. It's very rare. It's

46:24

very rare. Most of the times a

46:26

guy wins one. He's done. You

46:28

know? He wins three and he just says,

46:31

fucking, he keeps eating until his belt buckle

46:33

bursts. You know, that's what usually fucking happens

46:35

with superstars. So

46:37

anyways, I can't wait to see that. And then the

46:39

game, game five of the Celtics is tomorrow night. So

46:41

I'll be taping both of those. This

46:45

is such a fucking great time of year. So

46:49

a little bit of advertising. How many more

46:51

are these? There's two more. We'll do two

46:53

and two. Two and two. All

46:56

right. Where are we? All right. Where

47:00

are we? Where are we? Where

47:02

the hell are we? There

47:04

it is. There it is. I had to put

47:06

the advertising everything on the same fucking thing. Oh,

47:09

by the way, Jesus Christ, what a fucking week, huh?

47:13

With Princeton, my God, watching

47:15

all those, those clips

47:17

of them just

47:20

live. You know what? I never fucking saw him

47:22

in concert. He came out here and did like

47:24

20 shows sold out

47:27

at the LA forum. I

47:30

remember Nia went and I was just, I forget where

47:32

the fuck I was. I was just on the road.

47:37

It was like the first couple of nights I had gigs

47:39

still out here and then I left, you

47:42

know, for like, did it like a 10 day run and he

47:44

knocked out all those shows or some shit. And I came back

47:47

and I remember thinking, ah, you know what? I'll catch him on

47:49

the next one. And unfortunately

47:51

that's not how life works. And

47:55

I got to tell you though, like the

47:58

level that that guy affected people. I mean they

48:00

literally lit up the Eiffel Tower

48:02

in purple. I mean as far as an artist

48:05

That's about as it's about as

48:07

big as honor as you get all these fucking

48:11

Like monuments around the world getting lit up in

48:13

purple man. I like I knew that we loved

48:15

them here I had no idea

48:17

like the level of fame that that guy had

48:20

man. It's fucking crazy. So 57

48:24

Jesus Christ, I'm

48:26

48. That's all I was thinking like good Lord.

48:29

Gotta lay off the sauce Anyways,

48:33

I want to thank everybody came out to all

48:35

my my shows This

48:37

this past weekend had

48:40

a great fucking time play one of the most

48:42

beautiful theaters I've ever played to play the Fox

48:44

Theater in st. Louis and They

48:47

take you upstairs And if you ever get a chance

48:49

to take a tour of the place you have to

48:51

see some of the signatures that are on The wall,

48:53

please don't sign the fucking wall. It's

48:55

like fucking people did that next to like Stevie

48:57

Ray Vaughan's Like

49:00

one of my pet peeves is when somebody fucking

49:02

huge Signs a wall and

49:04

then all these fucking jerk-offs right like

49:06

within the name You

49:09

know what I mean? It's like you're nowhere near that guy

49:11

get them. He should even sign on the same fucking wall

49:16

David Bowie was really

49:18

cool. David Bowie actually signed next to his name, but

49:20

he just scribbled his you can't even tell it So

49:23

I'm a fucking hypocrite. So I signed near his but

49:26

what was so cool was the whole Stevie Ray

49:28

David Bowie story from back in the day when

49:31

Stevie Ray went to was at the

49:33

Monterey Jazz Festival and they got booed

49:35

offstage and David Bowie was

49:37

in the crowd, but loves Stevie's play And

49:41

Afterwards came up to him and blah blah blah That's

49:44

how he ended up playing on his let's dance album

49:46

And then he wanted Stevie to go out on tour

49:48

with them and Stevie just wasn't feeling it He went

49:50

to some of the rehearsals and just like I can't

49:52

fucking do this I want to go back to Texas

49:54

and play in my trio started all over again and

49:56

then Became a giant on his

49:58

own rather than being part of David band

50:01

and just the two of them just to be that

50:03

close like who was Jerry

50:05

Lewis of

50:10

course now I'm off forgetting Sammy Davis jr.

50:13

Tony Orlando just some a bunch of random

50:15

shit to and all this shit from the

50:17

80s like the Thompson twins all

50:20

this crazy stuff in there and

50:22

they really kept it well and Stevie signed

50:25

it twice once in 1987 and

50:28

then another time I think

50:32

right before he died in like the instep tour and

50:36

I got there a little bit late so I didn't

50:38

get a chance to see the theater like the actual

50:40

theater where people were sitting thank God until after I

50:42

did the show because I would have been a little

50:44

intimidating came out afterwards it was fucking amazing and

50:48

had a great show and then the next day I went

50:50

to went

50:52

to Kansas City and played

50:55

this sprint and

50:59

I did a run with Jay Katapretta

51:03

and we

51:07

were going to get barbecue and we're trying to figure

51:09

out where to go that's right and they told us

51:11

to go to that fucking Oklahoma Joe's or some shit

51:14

so we fucking pull up there and

51:19

there's like a fucking two-hour line outside the

51:21

place and I'm just sitting there like there's

51:24

no fucking way this is the

51:26

line for this place but the Royals had a game

51:28

so I guess it's like a family tradition out there

51:30

people just do that shit so we

51:32

were like well fuck that place so the next

51:34

place I had on my list to maybe try

51:37

out was this other place q39 and

51:40

it's the best barbecue I've had since saw us

51:43

when I was in Alabama it

51:45

was fucking it was the best but I would say

51:47

it's the best brisket I ever had we

51:50

both ordered a couple of combo plates so

51:54

you know we ended up having the smoked

51:57

chicken brisket ribs and

52:01

The fuck else was there? Oh, and of course pulled

52:03

pork and it was fucking amazing. But I have to

52:05

tell you, dude, right after that

52:07

man, I felt like I, I, I

52:10

just, I'm too old to eat like that. I

52:13

mean, I'll spare you the fucking details, but my

52:16

body was just like, yeah, you

52:18

know, you ever see somebody show up at a club

52:20

and they're already drunk, like how quickly they get thrown

52:22

back out into traffic? Yeah, that's what happened with me.

52:29

It was not a, it was not a good

52:31

thing. Was

52:34

not a good thing at all. So anyways,

52:38

but it was delicious. And

52:40

I didn't even eat that much. Oh, wait a minute. Now

52:42

you did. Then we got dessert too. It was kind

52:44

of a bad day. It was a bad day. You know,

52:46

it's funny. I didn't eat shit for the rest of the fucking

52:48

night, but I had a great time. Later on that night, I hung

52:50

out with a bunch of friends. I've been going to Kansas City

52:52

for a long time. So I had a buddy

52:54

of mine out there who built my, my first website,

52:57

him and his wife showed up. So

52:59

we were just hanging out, having drinks, just having a great time. And

53:01

then the last day was I got to go up to Iowa and

53:04

Ames, Iowa, just north of Des Moines. And

53:07

I finally went to that state during

53:10

a sunny month and it was green and

53:12

it was fucking beautiful and

53:14

Des Moines really underrated city, fucking gorgeous.

53:16

This river runs right through it and

53:19

they got this beautiful two mile loop

53:21

that you can walk around. I

53:23

wish I had time to do that. I forgot that

53:25

that was there. I had, like I said, I hadn't

53:27

been in Iowa since I played penguins and feet of

53:30

rapids, which I heard is no longer there because the

53:32

river overflowed or some shit. Um,

53:35

but anyways, just had a, uh, had

53:38

a great time up there. And I got to tell you, that's

53:41

the fucking place to own a Ferrari. Iowa,

53:45

that is the fucking place, man. Because

53:48

I, you see people riding around in motorcycles with

53:50

no helmets on and shit. That is the place

53:52

to own a motorcycle. That is the place to

53:54

own a fucking supercar. That is the

53:56

fucking place to own a gun. a

54:00

gun. These fucking at cunts who live on the coast

54:02

and they're all jammed in with people. It makes sense

54:04

that you don't want everybody having a gun. All

54:06

right. But there's this tipping point where

54:08

the population becomes so fucking little that

54:11

then you're kind of on your own

54:13

out there. All right. So

54:15

if you're fucking weird ass neighbor shows up dressed

54:17

like Leatherface, I mean, you're going to call the

54:19

fucking cops by the time I was joking on

54:21

stage by the time they drive up your driveway,

54:24

like half your family is fucking dead. The way

54:26

is I swear to God, some of these, some

54:28

of these spread are like,

54:30

uh, I

54:32

don't know. They're like fucking, they

54:36

look like they're like a, like you could land a goddamn DC 10

54:39

on the damn thing. So, um,

54:42

all right. So here it is. The big news, the

54:45

big news this week that I found when I got up,

54:47

right, was, uh,

54:51

actually I didn't find it till I connected.

54:53

I flew from Des Moines to Phoenix and

54:55

then I connected, um, you know, get

54:57

my connecting flight and it was late and I

54:59

looked at my Twitter and people started sending me

55:01

all this shit about Tom Brady, the suspension somehow,

55:04

somehow it came back. It

55:07

fucking blew my mind. I was always under the

55:09

impression that like, either way, once

55:11

you appealed it, that last thing

55:13

was the final thing. I've never seen an

55:16

appeal of an appeal. Maybe

55:18

there's been one. I just remember, I remember when Al

55:20

Davis wanted to move the Raiders and they're like, no,

55:22

you can't do it. And he goes, well, I'm fucking

55:24

doing it anyways. And then they had a court battle

55:27

and he won and that was it. The NFL just

55:29

said, fine. Um,

55:31

maybe there was a bunch of appeals on that,

55:33

but that one came out of nowhere and,

55:36

um, I

55:38

don't know, man, I don't want to sit here and

55:40

fucking be a big baby about

55:42

it or anything like that. But I did just

55:44

really seems like it just went above and beyond.

55:48

It's just really extra. I don't, I don't

55:50

understand. I don't

55:52

get the fucking NFL. I really don't. I

55:54

don't get why certain things,

55:56

you know, you knock a woman out in an elevator,

55:58

you get four games. You get two

56:00

games at first, right?

56:02

Then they bumped it up to four because

56:04

everybody bitched. And then they're like, oh, no,

56:07

wait a minute. Wait. And we mean you're out of football

56:09

for good. The

56:11

subtext of that, of course, was, no, we're going to

56:13

lose a bunch of fucking money from women. And

56:16

guys who remotely give a shit about women aren't

56:18

going to buy our fucking jerseys and shit. So

56:20

now all of a sudden we give a shit, right? So

56:25

I just have to think that this

56:27

really isn't a money thing. They actually

56:29

lose money when Tom's not playing. So

56:32

I really think this is just personal.

56:36

The Patriots did something to piss off the fucking

56:38

NFL. I know a lot of you guys who

56:40

aren't Patriots fans think I'm just trying to make

56:42

up an excuse. But the reality is, is the

56:45

NFL, the only thing they give a fuck about

56:47

is money. All right?

56:49

The way they handled all those concussions, the

56:52

way they finally did that bullshit payout,

56:55

the way they make money off

56:57

of raising cancer awareness by having

56:59

pink jerseys, not letting you know

57:01

that only 3% of the money or whatever

57:03

goes to research and they pocket the other 97%, the

57:07

way whenever they put a camera on the

57:09

servicemen and women that they hooked up, gave

57:13

them free tickets, give them a round

57:15

of applause, and then they count that

57:17

as a fucking commercial and they charge

57:19

whatever branch of service those people are

57:21

in, how filthy they are there and

57:23

only give a fuck about money. Tom

57:26

Brady's Captain America, like the Patriots, a

57:28

nut. Guy looks like a movie star.

57:31

And they make more money if he's

57:33

in the game. And you're talking about

57:35

literally a cunt's hair's worth of air.

57:37

They appealed it in one, and the

57:39

NFL still was like, no, fuck you.

57:42

Fuck you. So it has

57:45

to be personal. And

57:49

I don't want to name any fucking names here,

57:51

OK? There's

57:53

other guys just as big as him who

57:56

had some really questionable fucking shit

57:59

that went. way beyond fucking

58:02

air pressure in a ball. All right.

58:04

And it was just

58:06

like, yeah, whatever. No

58:09

biggie. No blood, no

58:11

foul. So yeah, I think

58:13

it's official at this point that as

58:15

a Patriots fan, I am not paranoid.

58:19

When I say the NFL fucking hates the

58:21

Patriots and has it out for them, because

58:24

they're actually shooting themselves in the foot

58:26

monetarily here over fucking air pressure over

58:28

something that they lost in court like

58:30

a fucking year ago. So

58:35

I don't know. I don't know what we did. I

58:37

would love to know behind the scenes. It's got to

58:39

be some Robert crap shit. I would think, you

58:42

know, I can't really

58:45

think of anything else because, you

58:48

know, I'm trying to be honest here, but like, you

58:50

know, some of the other infractions without

58:53

naming names, I'm trying to be a class act

58:56

here, uh, certain things that

58:58

went through the mail, wink, wink,

59:01

you know, just shit like that. And it's just, yeah,

59:03

nothing, no story. Um,

59:07

and not to mention, you know, the

59:10

Colts owner in his own fucking investigation,

59:12

they found out that for their footballs

59:14

were also under inflated. So you talking

59:18

about going on almost a year and a half ago

59:20

that this happened. This shit's still fucking going. So I

59:22

mean, all right, the NFL hates us and no Tom

59:24

Brady for four games. I guess that's, you know, whatever

59:28

we're still going to win. We're

59:31

too good. We're still going to

59:34

fucking win. All you're going

59:36

to do is just make Bill Belichick, a better

59:38

fucking coach. And he already prepared for this last

59:40

year. So when we get fucking Janine Garafalo in

59:42

there again, I think he

59:44

goes to one too. I'm looking forward

59:46

to it. Um, all right. There

59:49

you go. There's all of that type

59:51

of stuff. Uh, what a fucking weekend

59:53

I had, man. I can't tell you

59:56

how much fun I had going out

59:58

there and, um, uh, doing those. shows,

1:00:00

man, and working on my act and all that.

1:00:02

It's great. I have the best

1:00:04

fucking life I could

1:00:06

possibly have right now. I'm

1:00:08

writing on the exact fucking show I want

1:00:11

to do with a bunch of hilarious people

1:00:13

during the week and every other week. I

1:00:15

get to continue my dream doing stand-up comedy.

1:00:18

And I'm working towards taping another special

1:00:20

later on

1:00:22

this year. And I'm also starting to

1:00:24

get the audio together for

1:00:27

hopefully a vinyl release

1:00:29

of my show at Madison

1:00:31

Square Garden. Obviously, I want that one to

1:00:33

come out after my stand-up

1:00:35

special. But I'm

1:00:37

hoping to do like a, like I'm not even going to say

1:00:39

what I'm hoping to do with that vinyl album. But it's going

1:00:42

to be fucking cool if I do it right, if I don't

1:00:44

fuck it up. All right. So anyways,

1:00:46

here we go. Let's read some questions

1:00:48

here for the week. Bill,

1:00:50

when I travel out of town for games,

1:00:52

I bring the stick. Oh,

1:00:55

this is about foam rollers. Because

1:00:59

dude, I'm telling you, that foam roller changed

1:01:01

my fucking life. Any old people out there

1:01:03

like me, if you're young,

1:01:05

you should fucking do it. It's

1:01:07

the greatest goddamn thing ever. There's

1:01:09

nothing better than like, you

1:01:12

know, other than eating right and that type of stuff. Finding

1:01:16

love and not having your quarterback

1:01:18

suspended for four games over some

1:01:20

country air pressure. There's nothing

1:01:22

better than just

1:01:25

being able to move your fucking body. And

1:01:28

stretching is the best. Really,

1:01:30

yoga, Pilates, all of that shit is

1:01:34

probably the best shit you can do. Because it

1:01:36

really keeps you in shape. It really keeps you

1:01:38

flexible without hurting yourself. I

1:01:40

can't help it. I'm a child of the

1:01:42

80s. So I always have that world gym,

1:01:44

gold gym, push it up. No pain, no

1:01:47

pain. I always have to fucking do it.

1:01:49

What are you benching? What are you benching that kid?

1:01:51

I always have. It's always going to be in me.

1:01:55

But anyways, these foam rollers, I'm telling you, they're the

1:01:57

shit. But I never heard of this. This kid's record.

1:02:00

amending the stick. Doesn't this sound like a paid

1:02:02

advertisement? It isn't. He said I can fit it

1:02:04

in my carry-on. You know it'd be great as

1:02:06

if this kid invented it. He's actually getting a

1:02:08

free commercial. He said I can fit

1:02:10

it in my carry-on or in my

1:02:12

gear bag so

1:02:15

it travels a lot better than any foam

1:02:17

roller and it's a lot easier to do

1:02:19

just sitting in a chair and

1:02:21

not having to roll around on the floor. You

1:02:23

might like it. It's what keeps

1:02:25

me functional when I have three to four

1:02:28

hurling games. Crazy

1:02:30

ancient Irish sport to

1:02:32

play in a day at a tournament. Oh wait a minute.

1:02:34

Wait a minute. I gotta look this up. You

1:02:37

know if it's an Irish sport. You know two

1:02:39

things. You know it's fucking crazy and you know

1:02:41

there's nobody stretching. Hurling.

1:02:44

I'm gonna show somebody puking. Okay

1:02:46

it's an Irish game resembling

1:02:49

field hockey. Alright I'm not trying

1:02:51

to start anything with Ireland but that's a

1:02:53

woman sport over here. They run

1:02:55

around wearing skirts and I know you guys don't do the

1:02:57

kill thing so what the fuck is going on here? Alright

1:03:00

played with the shortest stick and a broader

1:03:02

oval blade. It's a national

1:03:04

game of Ireland and may date

1:03:06

back to the second millennium BC.

1:03:10

Alright so you're all forgiven. You didn't know

1:03:12

any better. Alright let's see some images for this

1:03:14

thing. Oh

1:03:16

fuck that. That's not a that's a club. I

1:03:20

wouldn't play that fucking game. That

1:03:23

is a fucking club. Jesus

1:03:26

Christ. Look at those fucking helmets they

1:03:28

wear. They

1:03:33

look like fucking butch goreng and then somebody

1:03:35

took a welding class for the first time.

1:03:37

Remember butch goreng's hockey helmet? Butch goreng's hockey

1:03:40

helmet by the way is legendary. He had

1:03:42

the same piece of shit helmet I think

1:03:44

for right up from the juniors and

1:03:49

he just paint. Every time he went to a new team

1:03:51

he would just paint it. I remember he finished with the

1:03:54

did he finish with the Bruins? I remember he played with us. All

1:03:57

those were the days. All those were the days. Jesus Christ.

1:04:00

at this guy taking

1:04:02

one of those f**king

1:04:04

paddles right to the

1:04:06

face. Wow, okay. I'd

1:04:09

get s**t faced and watch that. That

1:04:11

is the weirdest looking thing I've ever seen. It's

1:04:15

like, it looks like the beginning of

1:04:17

a goalie stick and then you amputated

1:04:19

it right just beyond the heel. About

1:04:21

a third of the way up the blade. All

1:04:25

right, so this guy, you know what dude, I really appreciate

1:04:27

that. I'm going to check that out. The

1:04:30

stick. Good stuff. Thank you. All

1:04:32

right, China. Bye, Billy

1:04:34

boy. I'm Iranian living in China.

1:04:37

Jesus. He goes, yeah, right.

1:04:40

Iranian. I think the only

1:04:42

place that you might not have any fans is

1:04:44

North Korea and that's only because they don't have

1:04:46

access to the internet. Anyways,

1:04:49

I have watched, oh, speaking of which, Jade,

1:04:52

who I worked with this week is Brazilian.

1:04:54

And she mentioned, you know, she was

1:04:57

thinking about maybe doing some stand up down in Brazil

1:04:59

and how that scene is starting to get going. And

1:05:01

I was just wondering, anybody from Brazil listening,

1:05:03

and if you do, if you have any

1:05:06

suggestions, because

1:05:09

I've always wanted to take my wife down there. She's

1:05:11

always wanted to go and I'd

1:05:13

love to go down there. I guess it's cold this time

1:05:15

of year, right? My wife's not into the cold. I personally

1:05:17

like it. You know what I mean? That's

1:05:20

all good for me. I had no

1:05:22

problem with that whatsoever. But let me know what's going on down

1:05:25

there. And I'm psyched you guys are getting some stand up shit

1:05:27

going. Because I'd like to see your Chappelles,

1:05:29

Louis CK's and David tells. That's what I'm looking forward

1:05:31

to. All these like India and all these places that are

1:05:33

starting to get comedians. I can't wait to see the

1:05:36

greats that come out of those, those different

1:05:38

cultures. All right. So

1:05:40

anyways, let me continue on here. Anyways,

1:05:42

I've watched all your videos on YouTube

1:05:44

and followed your podcasts for more than

1:05:46

six months. You are indeed a funny

1:05:48

guy, though my Chinese wife does not

1:05:50

get your jokes. Women

1:05:55

around the world do not like my act.

1:05:57

Maybe I should charge her. Change

1:06:01

her to one with better taste? I

1:06:04

think he's giving me shit there. He goes,

1:06:06

I think you have so many fans here,

1:06:08

especially among expatriates. Well, if you're in Hong

1:06:10

Kong, yeah, I did a show out there.

1:06:12

He goes, I don't know if you've ever

1:06:14

been in China, but really hope you get

1:06:16

your ass here someday. Looking forward to hear

1:06:18

back from you. Please fuck yourself every day

1:06:20

in the morning before breakfast. Yeah,

1:06:23

I was in Hong Kong last year. I've never been to

1:06:25

the mainland, but I heard when you go to the mainland,

1:06:27

it's just straight Chinese. You know what

1:06:29

I mean? Like all the expatriates seem to be

1:06:31

in Hong Kong. So I would

1:06:33

go to mainland China, but I just feel like

1:06:35

other than seeing the Great Wall and

1:06:38

eating some delicious food, I don't think I could do

1:06:40

a show out there because I don't want to be

1:06:42

worried that not enough people would be able to understand

1:06:44

what I'm saying. And even if they could understand it,

1:06:48

I think maybe I just, I don't know, I

1:06:51

think they'd be like your wife. Like I don't get what he's

1:06:53

talking about. Anyways,

1:06:56

okay, continuing on. Hillary hot

1:06:58

sauce. Oh,

1:07:01

hot sauce Hillary. Yo,

1:07:05

Billy, listen to your Thursday podcast and the

1:07:07

bit about Hillary and the hot sauce is

1:07:09

actually true. There

1:07:11

are interviews with her talking about

1:07:13

this over a decade or so. Apparently

1:07:16

in the 90s, she learned how healthy it was to

1:07:18

eat hot peppers. And so she did and she grew

1:07:20

to love hot sauce. It's also known that she kept

1:07:22

a lot of hot sauces at the White House where

1:07:24

she lived. Anyways, for some reason I felt bad for

1:07:27

her. So I thought I'd write you. Well, here's the

1:07:29

fucking thing. You know what?

1:07:31

You know what? I like I like fried chicken. Okay,

1:07:34

I would never bring that up if I was

1:07:36

talking to a bunch of black people trying to

1:07:39

get their votes. You know what

1:07:41

I mean? Even if she is into it, what

1:07:43

you just said, she is fine. It's still a

1:07:45

fuck it was it was just tacky. Hot

1:07:49

sauce. I always had you know, wasn't lipstick.

1:07:51

It wasn't anything like that. All

1:07:53

the other bullshit that she has.

1:07:55

Yeah, I just don't buy it.

1:07:57

And I just think

1:07:59

they're lying. sacks of shit and I've had

1:08:01

20 years experience watching them on TV. I

1:08:04

lived in New York when she was a

1:08:06

senator there. I watched Bill Clinton for eight

1:08:08

fucking years. I can't stand them. I think

1:08:10

they'll literally fucking say anything. I think they're

1:08:12

bought and paid for. They are the fucking

1:08:14

devil. Not literally they're evil, but they're just

1:08:16

the same evil that you're dealing with. And

1:08:18

it doesn't make a difference if she's black,

1:08:20

if she's got a dick or a vagina.

1:08:22

It's going to be more of the same

1:08:24

if you pick her. And I think that's

1:08:26

why you have two fucking extreme people. I

1:08:29

think people are sick of that. And that's why

1:08:31

Bernie's still in it and Trump is still in

1:08:33

it because I think generally speaking, people know that

1:08:35

whatever the fuck we're doing, it's not working. It's

1:08:38

not fucking working. So, and maybe, no,

1:08:40

maybe nobody can fix it. You know what I mean? You

1:08:42

got fucking four, 500 million people. You

1:08:45

can get all the, get them all to try to tug

1:08:47

the rope in the same direction. I mean, it's a very

1:08:49

difficult thing to do. And, uh,

1:08:51

I don't know.

1:08:54

I just wish the election was tomorrow and

1:08:56

we could just get it over with. I

1:08:58

saw this funny sign on the internet and

1:09:00

said, 2016, everybody sucks. Oh,

1:09:03

there's something like that. Something about all the candidates.

1:09:06

No, it is not. I don't know. I put you in it. I have to,

1:09:08

you know what? To make up for me, just butchering that thing. I might have

1:09:10

to put the, uh, the picture

1:09:12

of it, which I probably won't be able to find.

1:09:14

So I think I'll just have to

1:09:16

take it. Um, that I fucked

1:09:18

that up. All right. Let's read the last two advertisements

1:09:20

here. Advertisements, the advertisements,

1:09:24

Sherry's berries. Uh, what the fuck are they?

1:09:26

God damn it.

1:09:28

All right. Here we go. Oh,

1:09:30

I should probably make a prediction here. Right. Um,

1:09:36

I don't know how to, you know what? I'd have no prediction for game

1:09:38

seven. I want the blues to win. Um,

1:09:45

fuck it. You know what? Fuck it. You

1:09:49

know what? I'm not going to say anything because at this point, blues

1:09:51

fans are going to hate me if I fucking predict them again, you

1:09:54

know, people get all fucking with that mojo shit.

1:09:57

You're going to jinx them. Fuck it. I'm just going to watch

1:09:59

the game. All right, click on the microphone on the top of

1:10:01

the homepage and type in burp. I hope that's what I was

1:10:03

supposed to say. Jesus

1:10:07

Christ, they like type the whole fucking menu.

1:10:11

I feel like I was introducing the fucking Wu-Tang. All

1:10:16

right, cash and banking. I

1:10:18

listened to your podcast today and about

1:10:20

money, how it's just a number while

1:10:22

relating to paychecks. I

1:10:25

couldn't agree more that

1:10:27

they are intentionally phasing out cash, period.

1:10:30

Every payday, I go to the bank and I take

1:10:32

out all of my cash, except what is needed to

1:10:34

cover my bills and the bank people look at me

1:10:37

like I'm an idiot. On a regular basis,

1:10:39

I walk out of there with seven to eight grand

1:10:41

in cash, at least once or twice a month. And

1:10:44

they actually interrogate me about why I'm taking

1:10:46

all my money out of the bank and

1:10:48

how come I don't need my money in

1:10:50

the bank. All my friends think I'm a

1:10:52

conspiracy theorist because I buy silver by the

1:10:54

pound and other precious metals. Dude, you need

1:10:56

to shut up. Stop

1:10:58

telling your friends that you do this shit.

1:11:00

You're opening yourself up to get robbed. All

1:11:04

right, just act like you've just taken everything down

1:11:06

to the fucking bank. Why

1:11:09

are you telling me this? All right, all my friends think

1:11:11

I'm a conspiracy theorist. I refuse to

1:11:13

keep money in the bank and if we

1:11:15

ever go into a great depression and the

1:11:17

government collapses, they're going to seize everybody's money

1:11:19

in the bank accounts guaranteed. So

1:11:22

I'll keep all my cash hidden at home, which

1:11:25

if the currency crashes really in the end, it

1:11:27

doesn't do me any good because it won't be

1:11:29

worth shit. But I don't like the government to

1:11:31

know how much money I have at any given

1:11:33

moment. I think it's a good practice. So yeah,

1:11:35

I think people should take their money out of

1:11:37

the bank every payday, actual

1:11:39

physical money and dollar bills. Plus, when I

1:11:41

have the cash in my hand and I

1:11:44

run out of it, there's no way I

1:11:46

can spend more than I have. I also

1:11:48

don't believe in credit cards. Everything I bought

1:11:50

was with cash, even cars. $30,000 cars bought

1:11:52

with cash. It

1:11:55

may throw up a few red flags, but fuck

1:11:57

them. No, it doesn't. Not if you're... You

1:12:00

know, not if you're if you're paying taxes on all

1:12:02

once you deposit it in the bank, there's a record

1:12:04

of it and I Think

1:12:08

the banks want to know what you're doing with it They always

1:12:10

want to know what you're doing with your money because they want

1:12:12

to make money off your money So

1:12:15

what you do every? Week

1:12:18

by giving them money is you give

1:12:20

them an interest-free loan on their money. I guess they

1:12:22

give you a couple of points interest They

1:12:24

provide the service of keeping your money safe allegedly,

1:12:27

even though they're a bunch of crooks and

1:12:29

then they load loan it out to your fellow countrymen

1:12:32

at super high rates and you

1:12:34

know This is nothing too.

1:12:36

If you put seven eight grand in there, they

1:12:38

can loan seven eight thousand big and a hundred

1:12:40

percent loan out All that money Like

1:12:42

I don't know like times three or some

1:12:45

some shit It's crazy back in the day

1:12:47

like when you ran a bank

1:12:49

responsibly what it say if you had ten grand

1:12:51

in the bank You could only loan out like

1:12:53

there was a certain percentage you couldn't go past Like

1:12:57

thirty percent. I can't remember

1:12:59

what it was But you know So

1:13:01

the money was still there and then

1:13:03

the bankers through paying off politicians kept

1:13:05

getting that money that number the percentage

1:13:09

Bumped up and up and up and up

1:13:11

and they kept getting more and more Deregulated more

1:13:13

and more deregulated now when you put the money

1:13:15

in they can loan it you put a thousand

1:13:18

in they can loan They can loan out not

1:13:20

only a hundred percent of that thousand they can

1:13:22

loan like another three thousand dollar off of that

1:13:24

thousand Thousand for you you you and you So

1:13:27

they basically counterfeited like three grand as far as the

1:13:29

shit that I've wrote and I haven't looked that stuff

1:13:31

up for a while things might have changed after 2008,

1:13:33

but it's It's

1:13:36

a pretty shady thing, but I will tell you I don't

1:13:38

feel comfortable having a bunch of cash in the fucking house

1:13:42

You know Always hear

1:13:44

the first 48 plane in my head. So,

1:13:47

you know, good luck to you You know what I

1:13:49

did after a while. I just tapped out of conspiracy

1:13:51

theory. I got a fucking dog I watch sports and

1:13:53

I just I just I

1:13:57

Take comfort knowing that I can only die once that's what

1:13:59

I I do. All right. Okay.

1:14:02

Oh, Jesus. Another fucking hair loss thing. Is this

1:14:04

gonna be another guy asking me? Should I shave

1:14:06

my head? Should I not shave my head? Should

1:14:09

I glue something on there? Hey, oh,

1:14:11

flowers for billion. Uh, I'll keep it

1:14:13

short parentheses and thinning. I've been losing

1:14:15

my hair for the past couple of

1:14:17

years. It's thinning at the top and

1:14:20

has been doing so for

1:14:22

six years. Um,

1:14:24

I know you've gone through the same predicament.

1:14:26

Ah, you're very perceptive. I'm

1:14:29

gonna go out on a limb. I think I know.

1:14:31

I think you know what I'm talking about here. He goes, I, um,

1:14:33

I know it shouldn't

1:14:35

matter and should, I should probably just

1:14:37

shave it, but I love my hair. My God,

1:14:40

do I love my hair. I remember when I

1:14:42

used to get my hair cut, every barber stylist

1:14:44

stylist I went to said how it was so

1:14:46

thick and I would never have to worry about

1:14:49

going bald, those lying fucks. So

1:14:51

when it started thinning, I

1:14:53

like most guys started reading everything I could.

1:14:55

I found out that most men have had

1:14:57

success with Propecia. It's a one day a

1:14:59

pill that you take 60% of

1:15:02

men have regrowth while 30%

1:15:04

keep what they have. Um,

1:15:09

now what does that mean? 60% have regrowth and 30%

1:15:11

of that 60%? Yeah, I

1:15:15

guess that that would be, yeah, that's obviously what that'd be. Keep

1:15:17

what they have. No. Or

1:15:20

is that the other 30, 60%

1:15:23

keep what they have? No, 60% Jesus

1:15:25

Christ Bill have

1:15:27

regrowth. 30% keep what they have. So now are

1:15:29

we up to 90%? Yeah, I

1:15:32

guess we would be. And it seems not to

1:15:34

work for about 10% of men. So

1:15:36

it seems like a no brainer to at least try, right?

1:15:39

Well, for about 2% of men. All right, dude, you said

1:15:41

60, 30, 10. And

1:15:43

now we're up to 102% here. So there's

1:15:45

some fucking overlap. It

1:15:48

makes their dick not work. They

1:15:50

complain of weaker to no erections.

1:15:54

Since look, looks, that's fucking hilarious. See, keep your

1:15:56

hair to get the girls to come home and then

1:15:58

your dick doesn't work. That's

1:16:00

exactly why I don't fuck with that shit because you can

1:16:02

never have your cake and eat it So I just feel

1:16:04

like there's gonna be some sort of damage that it does.

1:16:07

I just you know, dude, I'm 48 years old What

1:16:10

am I gonna join a boy band? It's fucking over,

1:16:12

you know, I Gotta

1:16:15

be honest with you. If you don't fight

1:16:17

aging, it's pretty painless You

1:16:19

know, I go to the gym, you know, I keep

1:16:21

myself in good shape But all of that other shit

1:16:23

these fucking this fucking woman was

1:16:25

telling me this weekend that that out here in

1:16:28

Hollywood You know or possibly around the country. I

1:16:30

don't know they have this is the most disgusting

1:16:32

thing As far

1:16:34

as vanity, I think I've heard in a long time.

1:16:36

Do you know they have they have Botox parties Like

1:16:40

they come over they drink drinks they watch your show or

1:16:42

something like that and then you can go over and you

1:16:44

get like That shit

1:16:47

that makes your face look like the Joker To

1:16:50

shot into your face like this foreign

1:16:52

chemical under your skin You

1:16:56

know, I guess it's just skull

1:16:58

right there and it is protecting your brain, but I just

1:17:00

feel like Somehow

1:17:02

it's got a leak in there, right? Or

1:17:06

it goes into your fucking bloodstream or something

1:17:08

somehow it ends up in your brain I'd

1:17:10

see you just literally injecting chemicals into your

1:17:12

fucking faces The

1:17:14

amount of people that won't do heroin, but we'll put

1:17:16

Botox in their body. It's just I don't know I guess

1:17:19

it's whatever the fuck you're into I

1:17:24

Don't know I like I said if you just

1:17:27

accept the fact That

1:17:30

you know, you're no longer

1:17:32

young and you dress your age You

1:17:35

know you you you don't look that you have to

1:17:37

keep yourself in shape you you look fine You

1:17:41

know what I mean? You don't look sexy. You're

1:17:43

not attractive But you shouldn't

1:17:45

be you should have gotten all

1:17:47

that out of your fucking system this whole

1:17:49

fucking thing that you got like these these You

1:17:52

know these broads on the

1:17:54

fucking real housewives walking around their bedazzled

1:17:56

jeans They got like four kids and

1:17:59

they're still fucking putting, you

1:18:01

know, hooker jeans on. It's like, what

1:18:03

are you doing? You're a mom. You

1:18:07

know, the husband's walking around with fucking tank

1:18:09

tops on. I just don't

1:18:11

understand. Put on a sport coat. You're supposed to

1:18:13

be adults. I

1:18:17

don't know, I blame Madonna. No,

1:18:20

I don't. She looks great. What am I talking about?

1:18:22

You know, he goes, oh, what the fuck, what the

1:18:24

fuck. Shut up, you'd still bang her. All

1:18:26

right, Sudbury, the ugliest place in

1:18:28

Ontario, Canada. Dear Billy

1:18:31

Burr, please talk about

1:18:33

your experience traveling through Sudbury. I didn't think it was

1:18:35

ugly. I thought it was cool. Did

1:18:37

you notice how there were no trees in the area

1:18:39

above 10 feet tall or so? Most

1:18:41

of the vegetation in the area was destroyed

1:18:43

by acid rain caused

1:18:46

by the massive mining

1:18:48

operations in and around Sudbury. Our

1:18:51

stupid tourist attraction is the largest

1:18:53

nickel in the world. Luckily, they

1:18:55

solved the population problem by building

1:18:58

a gigantic smokestack. Currently

1:19:01

the second largest freestanding chimney in

1:19:04

the world to spread the pollution

1:19:06

out over a larger area. Industry

1:19:08

has been winding down. So

1:19:11

now we have more unemployed, hardworking

1:19:13

Canadian rednecks than ever. Great

1:19:16

place, can't wait to get anywhere

1:19:18

else. That's fucking

1:19:20

hilarious. That

1:19:23

person may have a future as a writer, man.

1:19:25

See how fucking humor works

1:19:27

when you hate where you live. I didn't hate where I live,

1:19:29

but I mean, there's just certain things that can fucking bring it

1:19:31

out of you. I

1:19:34

had no idea. I didn't know anything about that. I

1:19:36

had a great time when I was up there and

1:19:40

I'm a nerd when it comes to traveling. I like going

1:19:42

to places I haven't been to. And

1:19:44

at this point, there's nothing I like doing

1:19:47

better than not going to the major city.

1:19:52

I've been to all of them a thousand fucking

1:19:54

times. They're great, but

1:19:57

I don't know. I like

1:19:59

going to... one of the other places. Des

1:20:02

Moines, Deadwood, right?

1:20:05

That one I went to in fucking Louisiana

1:20:07

begins with an S. Can't

1:20:10

remember. Wasn't New Orleans. It doesn't begin with

1:20:12

an S. Schenectady. Shreveport,

1:20:16

right? Fuck it. Anyways,

1:20:19

open relations. Hi

1:20:22

there, Billy Baldbags. What

1:20:25

the fuck is up with open

1:20:27

relationships these days? I'm a 37

1:20:29

year old lady, unexpectedly

1:20:32

widowed. I'm sorry to hear that. And after

1:20:34

eight years, after eight years with my husband,

1:20:38

uh, I'm getting back out there in the

1:20:40

dating world and have discovered a plethora of

1:20:42

people who are in open

1:20:44

or polyamorous relationships.

1:20:47

I don't

1:20:49

know what polyamorous means. All right.

1:20:53

Open relationship means like, yeah, you know, keep

1:20:56

it clean. I don't want to know about it. Uh,

1:21:00

don't make, make sure it's nobody. I know

1:21:03

polyamorous. Amorous.

1:21:08

Do do do. Is it practice

1:21:10

or desire for intimate relationships evolving

1:21:12

more than two people? Also they

1:21:14

have threesomes together. Um,

1:21:18

that's so fucking weird. Does the couple

1:21:20

like break down the game tape afterwards? Like I

1:21:22

just felt like you looked at the letter better

1:21:25

than mine. You know,

1:21:27

do you make like halftime adjustments when you switch in

1:21:29

positions? Um, open

1:21:33

relationship, does

1:21:35

it get me in trouble? Rules to be looking

1:21:37

at this online. This is my search engine. Open

1:21:40

relationships, six rules for doing the

1:21:42

whole open relation thing right. One,

1:21:45

don't do it. Two, don't do it. All

1:21:48

right. Open relationship. All right. Okay,

1:21:52

here we go. One,

1:21:55

understand what an open relationship actually is.

1:21:57

Uh, there's a lot of confusion

1:22:00

confusion confusion about what is and

1:22:02

what isn't an open relationship. Some

1:22:05

people who are in long distance relationships say

1:22:07

they're in an open relationship. They both hook

1:22:09

up with whoever but just don't talk about

1:22:11

it. By the word open connotes honesty. Alright

1:22:13

so they have to know about an open

1:22:15

relationship acknowledge that couples can have their needs

1:22:17

met by other people. If you're

1:22:19

really okay with that why keep it a secret?

1:22:22

Alright it's

1:22:25

actually a great point if you are okay with it it shouldn't bug

1:22:27

you. What'd you

1:22:29

do today honey? Oh that's great.

1:22:32

I taped thunder games. Hunger

1:22:40

games. What the heck they call thunder games.

1:22:43

Make sure you're doing it right doing it

1:22:45

for the right reasons. Are you interested in

1:22:47

an open relationship just because you want to

1:22:49

be with other people or is it that

1:22:51

you're interested in physical experiences with other people

1:22:53

but you want to stay committed to sharing

1:22:55

your emotional and spiritual self with one's person.

1:22:57

This way it gets complicated. Set

1:23:00

some boundaries. No aim. Every

1:23:03

person every person's guidelines

1:23:06

are different but there are always things

1:23:08

to think about before you enter into

1:23:10

an open relationship. Do

1:23:13

you both need to be present in order

1:23:15

for sex with other people to be okay?

1:23:17

Can you be with one gender and not

1:23:19

the other? Are certain sex acts off the

1:23:22

table? These are all important things. It's

1:23:25

just like the early days of USC. Alright no

1:23:27

more eye gouging. You

1:23:29

can't do that thing where the other guy puts the finger

1:23:31

in your ass and then you go alright I give I

1:23:34

give. Alright that's actually a wrestling move if you can believe

1:23:36

it. Anyone you hook tell your

1:23:38

other partners. Anyone you hook up with outside your

1:23:40

relationship deserves to know the deal. Try

1:23:42

say something like I find you attractive but

1:23:44

you should know my partner and I are

1:23:46

in an open relationship so there's someone else

1:23:48

in my life. That way they can be

1:23:50

fully informed okay. Keep

1:23:53

it healthy. That's obvious. Have

1:23:55

regular checkups. There

1:23:57

you go. Alright so now that I'm a little more fucking

1:24:00

education, what the fuck did that just say? Oh,

1:24:02

60 turn ons for better sex. I thought it

1:24:05

was turn ons for over 60. I

1:24:08

think I am a little dyslexic. All

1:24:10

right. So

1:24:12

she says she's getting in there and everybody okay,

1:24:15

so there's a bunch of life husbands and wives

1:24:17

looking to hook up with her. Or people

1:24:19

who are saying that they're in open relationships,

1:24:21

because I've read this recently started dating a

1:24:23

great guy who lives with the mother of

1:24:25

his kids in a supposedly sexless domestic partnership.

1:24:28

We have a great connection and we enjoy each

1:24:30

other's company, but he doesn't have a lot of

1:24:32

extra chill time due to his family commitments. I

1:24:34

have kids too, the same age

1:24:37

as his even. I keep telling

1:24:39

him, let's all hang out

1:24:41

together, but he is hesitant, which makes

1:24:43

me question the openness of his open

1:24:46

relationship. Or maybe just wants to fuck you.

1:24:48

All right. I keep telling

1:24:50

them let's hang out together. Okay. I should

1:24:52

have walked away sooner, but he gives really

1:24:55

good head. Jesus Christ. I'm not ready for

1:24:57

anything too serious. I just

1:24:59

wish he had more time to spend with

1:25:01

me socially. This seems to be more and

1:25:03

more common. These I'm so cool and modern.

1:25:05

I'm going to fuck you and then go

1:25:07

home to my wife hipsters. Should I keep

1:25:10

seeing this guy? Thanks

1:25:12

for your insight. I'm a former Bostonian living

1:25:14

in Hawaii. I'm a huge fan. You keep

1:25:16

me laughing through some hard times and

1:25:19

I fucking love your old freckled

1:25:21

face. Mwah. Thank you. Um, I

1:25:23

would say, uh, yeah, I don't

1:25:28

know. That's all fucking. It'll get, if you just want to

1:25:30

fuck around, but like this

1:25:32

guy obviously, he obviously doesn't want to do anything

1:25:34

more. Even if he didn't have a, wasn't

1:25:37

with somebody else, if he doesn't want to hang out

1:25:39

with you, then that means he just wants to be

1:25:41

fuck buddies, which is totally cool. If you know that

1:25:44

that's the deal, if you're all right with that, I

1:25:46

would continue seeing him. If you're not, I would move

1:25:48

on. And if you're sick of

1:25:50

meeting people like that, I'm sure there's men

1:25:52

who, um, that didn't work. I

1:25:54

was gonna say men who are sick of meeting women who

1:25:56

are in an open relationship. Yeah. Guys

1:25:58

would be like, yeah, that's cool. You don't want to

1:26:01

hang out perfect Up

1:26:03

top sounds good to me Yeah,

1:26:06

I would if you're your age how busy you are and all

1:26:08

that shit, I'm not trying to be a dick I'm 10 years

1:26:11

old in you so I'm not talking down to you 37

1:26:14

you got fucking kids kinds of

1:26:16

people you're gonna meet in the civilian world are also

1:26:18

gonna be married with kids I'm saying or divorced I

1:26:21

mean I would join

1:26:23

it I would join a dating site that's

1:26:25

what I would do and Just

1:26:28

say what you want I would fucking go

1:26:31

out and try and find it when you're

1:26:33

ready when you're ready, but You

1:26:37

know as far as all that other shit, I mean that's up to you I

1:26:39

have no I have no fucking idea that just made

1:26:41

me happy that I'm fucking married And

1:26:46

Jesus Christ more and more fucking brutal

1:26:48

goddamn shit, I'm not even get

1:26:50

into I know you guys all heard some Sad

1:26:53

news about comedians this past week man. You're

1:26:56

fucking brutal. Absolutely fucking brutal made me feel

1:26:58

very lucky and blessed so once again, thank

1:27:00

you to everybody that keeps coming out to

1:27:02

my shows and that's

1:27:07

Checking on you on Thursday