0:01

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for

0:04

the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday

0:06

morning podcast, and I'm just checking in

0:08

on you. I'm not

0:10

yelling at this week. I

0:13

don't feel like fucking yelling it. I don't

0:15

want to do that shit. Anyway,

0:20

I was on the phone this morning.

0:22

I had a little radio tour. Well,

0:24

first of all, how is your week going?

0:26

Is it going good? Are you staying informed?

0:29

Are you tapping out like me? Are you

0:32

going to do a half hour podcast and then go buy

0:34

a newspaper and sit in a coffee shop and

0:37

read the metro region? I

0:46

saw this thing the other day with this actor, a beloved

0:50

actor went to

0:53

Massachusetts or some shit. I don't know what he did. And

0:55

he just said a bunch of shit about trans people and

0:57

all of that. And he said a lot

0:59

of fucked up shit. But one of the things that he

1:01

said that he was right, he hit the nail on the

1:03

head on was the fact that

1:06

they're not teaching civics class in

1:10

our public schools anymore. He

1:13

said it's going to cause us all to die. I

1:15

think he means democracy to die. I

1:18

agreed on that point. It was, you know, his other

1:20

stuff, you know, listen, I

1:22

wasn't there, defensive the guy, but you know, some

1:24

of the other stuff, you know, he definitely he

1:27

got a little wild there. Did I dump water on this? The

1:30

fuck did I do that? I don't

1:33

even remember doing that fucking dump

1:35

water on myself. Phone case. How the fuck did I do that?

1:37

Well, I have a glass of water next to it. Anyway,

1:45

so speaking of that,

1:48

Boston Celtics sitting around waiting for the Dallas

1:50

Mavericks to see if they can close out

1:52

the Minnesota Timberwolves or will they be the

1:54

first one in NBA history to come back

1:56

from fucking all three. All

2:03

they gotta do, all

2:05

they gotta do is win the next one and then all of a

2:07

sudden, pressure

2:09

is still on them. But

2:11

they win this next one, then

2:13

it's like holy shit they can tie it up and then they go

2:15

pack. Because essentially guys, right now it's

2:18

just, you know, it's a three game series. I'm

2:26

not, oh, you know something, I'm gonna extend an olive

2:28

branch to the people that buy

2:30

into the fact that you can steal home court

2:32

advantage if you start counting after

2:34

the series started. I'll

2:38

tell you when it was, I will actually say it

2:40

was fucked up, is back in the day when they

2:42

used to do a seven game series and it was

2:44

two, three, two, that was

2:46

fucked up. And I felt the visitor had

2:49

the psychological advantage. Forget

2:51

home court. Home court doesn't fucking mean anything.

2:54

I hate to tell all you idiots with

2:56

your thunder sticks and your painted faces, it

2:58

doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't.

3:01

They're professionals. You're not the first hostile crowd

3:03

they played in front of. They don't give

3:05

a fuck. But

3:07

anyways, what I would say is the

3:10

two, three, two, the psychological advantage was

3:14

with the team with the lesser record.

3:16

Because they spent a weekend, you

3:19

know, and then there's a whole week in this city

3:21

and then another weekend. It's like they

3:23

had just had an easier, an easier

3:25

schedule. You know, they're home. I think I talked

3:28

about this last podcast. I can't remember. So I'll

3:30

give you that one. That one was fucked up.

3:32

But at no point did I

3:35

feel that the

3:37

visitors stole home court

3:39

advantage. Maybe

3:41

that's what it is. I don't believe in home court advantage.

3:43

I just don't. There

3:49

might be a few exceptions.

3:53

But even then, I just think if you

3:55

have a young, inexperienced team, maybe that that

3:58

hostile crowd would fuck with them. that

4:01

they moved up from college to the pros. But

4:04

like, I

4:06

would say any football player that competed

4:08

in the SEC, they

4:10

go to the NFL, it's literally a smaller

4:13

crowd. They used to performing in front

4:15

of over 100,000 people. And

4:18

then they go to the NFL and it's like 60. So,

4:21

I don't know, how

4:23

loud can you be? Whatever,

4:27

Bill, can you move on for this? I don't think

4:29

I can. I'm trying to though. So

4:34

anyway, I did a

4:36

radio tour this morning, promoting

4:39

shows that I have coming up

4:41

in Berkeley, California, in

4:43

Denver, Colorado. And as

4:45

I get ready to do the special, you

4:48

know, I went out last night, I fucking

4:51

did my spots. As you can

4:53

tell, did my spots. And then my son woke me

4:55

up at 5.30 in the morning. Get,

5:00

get a hunky. Did

5:04

you come get me? Too early, buddy,

5:06

too early. Okay.

5:09

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, pitter patter

5:11

down on the hallway. Six

5:13

minutes later. Hello.

5:19

It's like, room service, you know, like,

5:21

oh, can you come back later? Just imagine if they

5:23

came back every three to six minutes. He did that

5:25

to me for like the better part of an hour

5:28

and a half this

5:30

morning. So

5:33

anyway, yeah, and

5:36

I had gone out the night before

5:38

and tried

5:40

out some new shit because I'm always doing the new shit.

5:43

So I don't get too sick of the old shit. And

5:47

I'm having a great time. I feel like I'm

5:51

doing the work that I need to do and I'm gonna be

5:53

ready for this thing. And I'm so fucking excited about it. I'm

5:56

excited to do it. And

5:58

then excited to also be. on the other side

6:00

of it and dump this hour and start

6:02

writing something new, which I feel like I'm

6:05

already doing. I always have BS, like topical

6:07

shit, like shit on like Puff Daddy,

6:09

P Diddy, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him.

6:14

Anyway, how the fuck did that guy only get 50 grand

6:16

for that tape? That just blows my mind. He

6:19

paid $50,000. It's

6:21

like you have footage of like almost a

6:23

billionaire beating the crap out of his wife

6:28

in a hotel. He's

6:30

got half a million on his wrist, another 250 around

6:32

his neck. You got 50 grand? Aye,

6:36

aye, aye, aye. I

6:39

wonder what he started at. Do

6:41

you think he negotiated? Give me a hundred

6:43

grand for the tape. I'll give you 50.

6:47

I'll end your career. All right,

6:49

a hundred. Ha ha ha ha ha

6:51

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

6:53

ha ha. I

6:57

don't know, maybe his bodyguard's intimidated the guy. But

7:00

he still got 50 grand, the intimidated. I don't know.

7:04

And then why wouldn't you get rid of it? That's

7:06

like serial killer shit. Anyway,

7:10

but that will add to the whole, people

7:12

talking about how bad people are in

7:14

Hollywood, completely ignoring the ones in their

7:16

own fucking neighborhood or

7:20

the fact that those people lived

7:22

in their state before they came to Hollywood and

7:24

whatever made them that fucked up happened in your

7:27

state. I love how that works. So

7:30

anyway, I did this radio tour this

7:35

morning and I did a sports talk radio

7:37

show and I'm already getting asked the Kyrie

7:39

Irving stories. I'm

7:42

telling you, you watch what

7:44

they do with this thing. And this

7:46

is like what CNN does

7:48

with Trump is

7:53

they're gonna go in and they're gonna fucking hype

7:55

this guy up and then talk

7:57

about what an awful time he had in Boston and

7:59

they're gonna show. the busing footage, Charles Stewart

8:01

and all of that shit, they're gonna

8:03

completely ignore that the guy

8:06

had problems everywhere he went. They're

8:09

also gonna completely ignore that there's racism everywhere.

8:11

They're also gonna completely ignore some of the

8:13

questionable shit that he said himself.

8:18

And they're just gonna set that up and

8:21

they're gonna hype it up so much that

8:23

Kyrie Irving is gonna get booed because

8:27

everybody's gonna be watching all

8:31

of these stories and they're gonna be like hyping

8:33

that up and they're gonna boo him and then

8:35

be like, see, you see? And it's like, dude,

8:37

you stoked the fires of this. I have to

8:39

be honest with you, I barely remember that guy

8:42

on our team. It was that fucking long ago.

8:45

And he was only with us for what, a year and

8:48

a half, two years? He

8:52

was barely with us. And

8:54

then I remember when he came back, he burned

8:56

the sage or whatever, like, he was making peace

8:58

with us and I was like, all right, let's

9:01

go, whatever. He's in Brooklyn. Who gives a

9:04

fuck? Moving on. They're gonna fucking

9:06

dig that up. That's

9:09

what kills me. They're gonna dig that

9:11

up and then Houston Astros, their first

9:14

championship was complicated. Let's move past that

9:16

and plow

9:19

forward. So

9:23

I won't be watching any of that shit. I've

9:28

never defended Boston for their

9:30

racial thoughts, but it's also, I'm one

9:32

of the few people that

9:34

has been to all 50 states. All

9:37

right? That's one of the cool things about being a

9:39

comedian. So you get to, you actually, you get to

9:41

listen to what they say on the news and then

9:43

you get to go out there and kind of bring

9:45

it back a little more to the middle. Because there's

9:47

a bunch of fucking places that all they talk about

9:49

is the beautiful scenery and the

9:52

great skiing. And they do not at

9:55

all talk about the fucking, the clan

9:57

membership in that state. I

10:05

know a guy a long time ago, I was

10:08

working with this comic when I was in St. Louis,

10:11

black comedian, he was doing

10:13

a gig in Idaho and

10:15

he called up the comedy club asking if he

10:17

could get an escort over to the comedy club

10:20

because they were having a Klan rally downtown and

10:22

he didn't want to walk by it as a

10:24

black person and then they

10:26

would just say those guys, you know, they're

10:28

just making noise. Which

10:37

is classic human behavior. It's

10:40

not a danger to me, so the universe is

10:42

in between my head, so it shouldn't be a

10:44

danger to you and then also I don't want

10:46

to spend any time, money or

10:48

effort to get you the fuck over here. Not

10:53

anyway, if Kyrie Irving was going to Boise,

10:55

Idaho to play in the fucking final or

10:57

whatever if they had a team out there,

10:59

like they would be just like, you know,

11:02

they just show in the mountains and the prairies

11:04

and it's God's country out here, folks out here,

11:06

you know. I like

11:09

the state of themselves. They're

11:11

into nature, they're baking their own

11:13

path, they have southern accents

11:15

for whatever reason. Always with the

11:17

southern accent

11:20

though. I got to let

11:23

you guys know, a good friend of

11:25

mine, Bobby Cannavale, the

11:27

fucking, the comedy

11:32

juggernaut of the movie Old

11:34

Dad's has

11:37

a new movie out with Robert De Niro called Ezra

11:41

that is coming out this

11:43

Friday, tomorrow. So

11:45

if you get a chance, go out there and go support

11:48

that movie. I went to the

11:50

premiere, it's a fantastic movie. It

11:53

is a beautiful, beautiful green

11:56

Cadillac El Dorado in it and

11:58

then a great I

12:01

would say about 83 84 80 station wagon. I Don't

12:06

know why the fuck I'm into that shit. I

12:08

saw something on Instagram You know this

12:10

guy had had a fucking four-wheel motorcycle

12:12

that makes any sense four

12:15

wheels So

12:17

it's like a one-person golf cart with

12:19

no roof, but it was

12:22

hauling ass and I Don't

12:25

understand the purpose. It's basically a four-wheel. What am I

12:27

talking about? But

12:30

it was on the street, and it sounded like a

12:32

motorcycle, and it was fast Like

12:34

that. I don't know it just looked like something you get really

12:36

fucked up on Just

12:42

because it's new although the

12:44

tires were fucking ridiculously fat It looked

12:46

like you know you know is

12:48

there anything worse than when somebody buys that you

12:50

know when they still made the Dodge Challenger I

12:52

think they discontinued it, but when they bought the

12:54

Dodge Challenger, and they had those baloney skin tires

12:56

on it It looked

12:59

like it had like Four spare tires

13:01

on it and then like the way

13:03

that car looked when you actually got

13:05

the decent rims and the proper size

13:08

Tire on the thing it

13:10

was like night and day It

13:14

would look you know it looked like he had a

13:16

six cylinder And you were a babysitter if you had

13:18

the wrong tires and rims But then you put the

13:20

big ones on there, and then it looked like you

13:22

were in you know vanishing point the

13:25

new one So

13:32

What did I do to my fucking phone now I Don't

13:37

know you know something I actually saw this thing

13:39

from George St. Pierre. It's really

13:41

been helping me with my With

13:44

my temper he was he was just talking about road rage,

13:46

and I'm trying to apply it in other areas of my

13:48

life Which is

13:51

when? You

13:55

know when you start to lose it instead of giving

13:58

into that you take a big inhale And

14:00

then you take a big exhale and this is the

14:02

craziest thing after that then you smile And

14:06

I was like you just smile you

14:08

make yourself smile that sounded insane to me and

14:12

Then I tried it and it works because

14:14

you're smiling as your brain

14:16

is like angry and then it just Well

14:19

how it works for me is it makes me feel It

14:23

makes me laugh at the fact that I was mad. It

14:25

makes me feel stupid like why would I get mad? What

14:27

what problems do I have this is dumb? Okay,

14:29

so it's been really working with like

14:31

let's just well We'll put my pool

14:33

put my anger into like hockey terms

14:36

here. All right. I got my

14:38

two-minute, you know Miners

14:40

I got five-minute major and then a

14:43

ten-minute misconduct. So that really seems to

14:45

be working especially

14:47

with the two-minute miners

14:51

Like it stops almost before it

14:53

even starts five-minute major is a

14:55

little bit harder But the

14:57

ten-minute major this there's nothing that stops

15:00

that That I have found

15:07

This this, you know, my wife's

15:09

talked to me about it. My kids have talked to me about

15:11

it like it cost me money you

15:14

know, I'll be in the car and like Well,

15:17

I just see people doing bonehead things in their

15:19

cars, it's just it just I'm

15:22

sitting at a red light. There's someone at the red light

15:24

and then there's some I want to make a right and

15:26

there's someone Right behind

15:29

the person the red light who also wants to make a

15:31

right and there's enough room for him to do it And

15:34

they just sit there and I sit there and I sit

15:36

there and then I'm just I just like

15:38

how do you not? I'm gonna drive your own fucking car

15:43

And then my daughter be like dad You

15:45

owe me five bucks And

15:48

they're like, all right How much

15:50

is that now? She's like you're back up to 20 So

15:55

but it's been working on like those Those

15:59

other ones I'm

16:01

gonna try to my wife when we start to get into a fight.

16:04

I don't freak her out. She

16:07

says something to me. I'll have a big

16:09

inhale and do an exhale and then smile like

16:11

a fucking lunatic. Oh,

16:19

here's one for you. Something I wanted to talk

16:21

about. I

16:25

started to watch that movie American Jigolo

16:27

and I got too busy and it

16:30

timed out. I rented it off of YouTube, right?

16:32

So American Jigolo and that movie came out starring

16:36

Richard Gere. You

16:39

know, it was a controversy or whatever, this

16:41

male fucking prostitute or whatever. I don't know.

16:44

I remember I was really young when it came out. I was like 11, 12

16:46

years old. Back

16:49

when you could be an 11 and 12 year old, you

16:53

know, you hadn't already consumed a thousand hours of

16:55

fucking porn like most of these poor kids. So

17:00

I was old school 11 and 12. So I remember there

17:02

was like a bit of a controversy, but I didn't remember what it was about.

17:04

So some

17:07

of that movie came up and

17:09

I go, is that a good movie? And

17:12

you know, this buddy of mine knows I'm a car guy.

17:14

I was like, oh dude, there's this killer fucking scene

17:17

of Richard Gere driving like a

17:20

Mercedes, you know, 450 SL or

17:22

whatever out to Palm

17:24

Desert. And I love seeing like, you

17:28

know, old footage of Los

17:30

Angeles, which by the way, the Rockford files

17:32

is amazing for that. That original pilot, which

17:34

was a two part movie

17:36

and that did so well, that turned into

17:38

the series. They have like this incredible shot

17:41

of, was it Ghazaris?

17:43

Big music place venue where all these bands

17:45

that I loved in the eighties used to

17:48

perform at. But

17:50

anyway, I go

17:52

to watch this movie and in watching this movie, I

17:54

found this very

17:56

obscure movie trope from

17:58

back in the day. Any movie in the six. 60s,

18:00

70s, and into like the early 80s. If

18:04

there's a scene and there's a

18:06

pool, all right, and

18:08

there's some sort of opulence, rich upper crust

18:10

thing going on, be it a

18:12

hotel or like some sort of great Gatsby style

18:15

house, the scene will

18:17

start. There's always somebody on the diving board

18:20

and they're like action. And then the person on

18:22

the dive and then like the lead walks into

18:24

the pool area and somebody on the diving board

18:27

executes like an Olympic

18:29

level fucking dive and

18:31

nobody addresses it. Right?

18:34

Like Richard Gere, in the beginning

18:37

of that movie, he goes to the

18:39

Beverly Hotel, he parks, goes

18:41

around the back and he goes, it's nighttime out,

18:43

the pool's all lit up, start

18:46

of the scene, action. There's a guy

18:48

on the diving board, he has his back to

18:50

the fucking pool. All right? He

18:53

fucking jumps up in the air,

18:55

he folds in half like a

18:58

jackknife, he touches his toes, unfolds

19:00

and goes into the pool, zero

19:02

fucking splash. And

19:05

nobody reacts to it. Like

19:08

if you saw that, if you're like a fucking

19:11

holiday and somebody did that, you'd be like, dude,

19:13

you fucking see that guy? Is

19:15

that Greg Mugenis? Dude, did you die for the

19:17

United States? Like what the fuck was that? And

19:21

then conversely, if that was a regular person

19:23

and they tried to do that fucking dive,

19:26

Richard Gere would have been soaked and

19:29

they would have had to fish the guy out. So

19:32

just notice that. If you like me and you like watching old

19:34

movies, because you like, I don't know,

19:36

I just like all the cars and

19:38

shit and looking at old cities, new

19:41

cities, what they look like back then. And

19:46

notice that there's always somebody and it's like, I

19:49

don't know, I was thinking that would be a funny thing to do in a

19:52

movie, but no one would get it, but just do it for yourself. Like

19:56

you have that scene and the main character is going to

19:58

walk by a pool. And instead

20:00

of having some, you know, in

20:02

great shape, man or woman, do

20:05

some sort of swan dive or whatever the

20:07

fuck it was, into

20:09

the pool. Instead,

20:11

you have some fat fuck salesman on there.

20:14

And what he does is he jumps, you got to

20:16

get somebody like Chris Farley rest his soul that was

20:18

like, you know, light on his feet. So the beginning

20:21

of the dive, it looks like he's going to execute

20:23

it, that he just starts flailing his arms and

20:26

does like an epic, like fucking body,

20:29

like belly flop and soaks the lead. He

20:32

gets all wet and it's not addressed. You do that

20:34

in, no, you can't have the lead get wet because

20:36

then he would have to address it. You just have

20:38

that going on in the background in a drama. That's

20:43

probably a dumb idea, right? Completely still

20:45

focused, but it would be fun when you did the

20:47

press junkets. Yeah. Just, you know, one

20:49

question, what was with the dive in that?

20:54

Ah, you know, I was just making fun of something that I noticed

20:57

in older movies that I thought was funny. That

21:01

was about time we put

21:03

a fat fuck on the diving board

21:05

that tries to do a swan dive and he lands

21:07

on his mantits and then screams

21:09

in pain. And

21:11

the lifeguard has to throw him a rope as

21:14

our main character passes

21:16

through the pool area, you

21:19

know, just creating a atmosphere.

21:23

All right. We don't have any reads this week, people. We

21:26

don't have any reads and I'm sitting here in an

21:28

empty house right now. I can't believe it. This never

21:30

happens. My kids are at school.

21:32

My wife is working. She

21:34

got a gig, the little hustler there, always

21:37

killing it. And, uh, I don't

21:39

know what I'm going to do. Well,

21:42

Billy hobbies. I have

21:44

three things that I could do. I

21:46

could slide into a depression, but

21:50

I always, I always keep

21:53

that at bay. With

21:55

a million hobbies. I

21:59

could have a cup of coffee. read the newspaper like an

22:01

old man. Hey, hey. That's

22:05

what I'm talking about. I'll

22:07

tell you, that tickles my fancy. I

22:11

don't know when I became, you know, I don't even think I'm that old.

22:13

I just think everything that I like is from

22:16

a long time ago. Meaning

22:19

my childhood. Magazine

22:22

stats, just going away. Going

22:25

away, I used to fucking love going

22:27

to those. Yeah, the porn section, the

22:29

gun section, the cars,

22:34

the music section, all

22:37

the mainstream who is, the

22:40

fashion fucking things. Those

22:44

things were as thick as a Sunday paper too. You

22:50

know what's funny? They're finding out with

22:52

all like perfumes and fragrances and scented

22:54

candles. They don't have

22:56

to say what's in them because that's

22:59

considered to be their secret recipe. And

23:02

they're finding they're just putting all these carcinogens in

23:04

there. And I'm thinking,

23:06

I wonder how many women that like

23:08

Red Cosmo every week ended up getting

23:10

cancer from smelling that fucking magazine. I

23:16

mean, that's gotta be the dumbest way ever to

23:20

get cancer, right? You

23:23

don't smoke, you take care of yourselves,

23:25

you have half an avocado to get

23:27

the right kind of fucking cholesterol,

23:29

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

23:31

And just what you're smelling

23:33

is just fucking drowned in

23:35

cancerous chemicals. They

23:38

were mainly talking about scented candles.

23:41

But they were just, all of a sudden they're going

23:44

after fragrances. That's

23:47

gonna be wild though, huh? It

23:50

really is amazing what

23:53

you have to do to a human being. You

23:55

have to make them not smell bad. You

23:58

gotta put like aluminum and- deodorant And

24:02

you gotta put like chemicals and shit like that

24:04

like we really are fucking animals, huh? Febreze

24:12

How'd you get cancer I smoke fucking a

24:14

camel on filters for 20 years. How

24:16

did you get it Febreze and

24:19

Cosmo? This

24:23

is the part of the podcast where it's good that

24:25

this is on the internet because none of this I

24:27

can prove And I'm just throwing out these fucking companies

24:30

names Alright

24:34

well Florida Panthers tied it

24:36

up and overtime like you knew they would like you

24:38

knew they would I'm always watch I always watch the

24:40

Eastern side like I never watched the West in hockey

24:43

or basketball. I just fucking I Don't

24:46

watch it so I've

24:50

been paying attention to that. That's a tough

24:52

one for me because I love the Rangers,

24:54

but I hate New York fans For

24:58

the most part the fucking morons No,

25:03

you know what I can't say that New York

25:06

fans are not morons I just hate the I

25:11

Would say the ESPN Connecticut New

25:13

York sports team bias, I

25:16

guess that that would that's what bugs me Yeah,

25:21

I would say their sports media I always said the funniest

25:23

thing everyone I was in New York and on the front

25:25

page of the post They were talking about

25:27

the Patriots being cheaters and on the back

25:29

page. They were celebrating a rod 600th home run

25:38

Yeah, yeah that tracks in the world

25:40

of sports, you know your team cheats

25:43

my team doesn't all right

25:45

keep telling yourself that That

25:50

was funny, you know, I saw this great video

25:52

of this player I forget who it was who

25:54

played with the Patriots, right? And He

25:59

said that how he He hated Tom Brady and all of that

26:01

shit. And then when he went there,

26:04

he got traded to him or whatever, signed with him. He

26:07

said Tom was the first guy that came up to him and

26:09

he said, I wanted to hate the guy, but I couldn't blah,

26:11

blah, blah, blah, blah. And

26:13

then, so it was all about his hatred of Tom Brady.

26:15

And then he ends up being a cool guy. And then

26:17

the guy in the press goes, you

26:19

know, were they cheating? And he

26:22

goes, hell yeah, they were cheating. And

26:24

then that was it. It wasn't,

26:26

well, what about the other teams you played on?

26:28

Were they also cheating? It's just like, no, it

26:30

doesn't count. The

26:39

Saints had a bounty. They were trying to

26:41

end people's seasons of their crowd. Go bad.

26:44

New Orleans, they're underwater. Give a break.

26:47

They're not winning anything. Crowd

26:50

noise. Eh, don't fucking worry, bitch. Just, I don't know.

26:53

I, I, I'm, the only thing I can, I can really just

26:55

try to make sense of it is, is it's

26:58

the, um,

27:02

I think it's really like bias towards like New

27:05

York. Like that's, that's where all

27:07

those great stations and everything were and everything. You know,

27:09

it's the biggest fucking city and all that. And that's

27:11

where everything comes out of. Um,

27:14

it doesn't really even do it in LA. I

27:16

don't think like, um, you

27:18

know, a lot of the biggest sports shows and all that are

27:20

in New York and that's just, I

27:23

guess the nature of the beast. I don't get it. I

27:26

don't get it. Um, so anyway, you know

27:28

what, I think I'm going to cut the podcast off right

27:30

there. You know,

27:33

cause if I did a read, that would have been 30

27:35

minutes, right? I mean, it's 27 36, 27 38. Look

27:39

at this. Um, all

27:41

right. So, you know, what's weird about

27:43

the NBA is like, if the Mavericks

27:45

swept the,

27:48

uh, the

27:51

Timberwolves, you'd still have to wait.

27:55

Like, I don't know how, like a fucking week for game

27:57

one. So

28:00

I don't know if that's because they've rented the venues out

28:02

so much. With

28:05

music acts, I have no idea. They're just

28:07

like, no, our season is going to be

28:09

this long, whether you like it or not.

28:14

So whatever, I hope the Timberwolves

28:16

win just more basketball. I

28:19

know it's kind of a weird thing. I also want

28:21

whoever we play to also be coming off of a

28:23

long break because I don't want us to get too

28:25

rusty, but it is good

28:28

that Prozingis can get back healthy. I

28:31

don't know. We will see. We'll

28:34

see. I don't know. It is funny though,

28:36

people saying that you think Celtics are going to choke again.

28:38

I always go, and who is your team? Going

28:43

to choke again. We have 17 fucking championships. What are

28:45

you talking about? We won one in 2008, 16 years ago. There's

28:50

30 teams. Like, we're

28:52

not behind any sort of thing here. I

28:55

don't know if you've noticed, but like there

28:57

was some juggernaut pile on teams that won

29:01

like, you know, just the Heat

29:03

and the fucking Warriors alone. And

29:06

the Lakers, I mean, those pile on fucking teams.

29:09

I mean, that's like two,

29:12

three, two, five, seven

29:14

championships right there. I

29:19

mean, Durant went to fucking. Went

29:23

to Golden State. That was it. That was it was

29:25

fucking over for two years. It was just fucking over.

29:28

No one was winning shit. I

29:30

don't know. It's a weird league. I still can't

29:32

quite get into the NBA, but I'm obviously going

29:34

to pull hard for the Celtics. But I'm I

29:38

find myself, even when Celtics games are on,

29:41

clicking over to watch Panthers

29:43

versus Rangers. But

29:45

that's normal because everybody in sports, you

29:48

know, you watch football,

29:51

maybe you're into baseball, but when it comes to basketball

29:53

and hockey, you got it, you got to make the

29:55

Sophie's choice there. Anyway, all

29:57

right, that's the podcast, everybody. Uh...

30:02

Oh, Billy fucking... I don't

30:05

know. I don't even know what kind of

30:07

day I have. It's not a cheat day. Oh,

30:10

fucking lonely... Lonely

30:12

ginger? Um...

30:16

Alright, that is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy

30:18

the music that Andrew Thamel has picked out.

30:21

And we will have a bonus episode of

30:23

Thursday afternoon just before Friday's Monday morning. Hey,

30:57

what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for

30:59

the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 30th, 2016.

31:03

How are you? How's it going? Oh,

31:05

what? Oh,

31:08

look at you. What are you doing for

31:10

Memorial Day? Yeah? Yeah, don't

31:13

you fill up your above-ground pool? Oh,

31:15

God bless you. God bless you. I'll

31:17

be over with a couple of millers.

31:21

You know what I've been drinking lately?

31:23

Stacy! Stacy! Stacy! Stacy,

31:26

yeah, over here. You know what I've

31:28

been drinking lately? I don't know why. I

31:30

started drinking the Coors Light again. Remember

31:33

them silver bullets? Fucking prom

31:35

night? Um...

31:39

How many did you get in your clap?

31:44

Oh, Jesus Christ. Happy

31:46

Memorial Day, everybody. Thank you to everybody in

31:48

the military for doing what it is that

31:50

you do so

31:53

that morons like me can run their fucking

31:55

yaps and not have a black van pull

31:57

up and take me away to get re-educated.

32:02

That's it, happy day off on

32:04

a Monday. They should

32:06

have one of these a fucking month, you know?

32:08

They should have one three-day weekend a month. If

32:12

Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders would get

32:14

on board with that, the two candidates

32:16

that the people want, the

32:19

people want to vote for either one of them

32:21

too, and they're going to ram old Hillary right

32:24

down your fucking old cuckoo clock

32:26

face yourself right down your fucking

32:28

throats. That's what they're going to do. I

32:31

watched this clip on Facebook, so you know it

32:34

had to be true, where Chris Matthews, right, was

32:37

basically just mind-fucking everybody saying that Hillary was going

32:39

to win it and blah blah blah blah blah,

32:41

just saying when she wins

32:43

it and all that type of shit. She wasn't

32:46

doing like a dude I called it type of

32:48

thing. He's just doing that like the

32:51

rich liberals, you

32:54

know, those ones, you know, the ones who

32:56

act like they care about anybody else. They're

32:58

actually, they're worse than rich Republicans because Republicans

33:00

don't act like they give a fuck about

33:02

other people, but rich liberals, oh, they're

33:05

the fucking worst. Bleeding

33:07

heart, you know, caring about everybody in

33:10

their fucking gated community. Oh,

33:13

Jesus, Bill, what the fuck did you have for breakfast?

33:16

What did I have for breakfast? I had two eggs

33:18

over easy. Two

33:20

eggs over easy, and I always buy

33:23

these eggs from this fucking Lily's farm

33:26

because it sounds like it's some chick down the street

33:28

who just has a hen house and she's making them

33:30

for my neighborhood, but God knows, you know it's some

33:32

giant corporation, and I don't know what the fuck they're

33:34

doing with these eggs. They have the thinnest

33:36

slash hardest egg shells ever.

33:39

So if you tap real lightly, boop, boop, boop, in

33:41

the bottom of the fucking pant, they will not break.

33:44

Then this, this, this one

33:46

fucking sweet spot that

33:49

you hit the, you hit

33:51

the fucking egg shell that will actually crack and

33:53

it won't break the yolk. All

33:56

right. I don't know if you guys know about this, know

33:58

this about me, but I do not break eggs. yolks.

34:01

Okay. And I'm also superstitious when it comes

34:03

to breaking egg yolks. I feel like if

34:05

you break the fucking yolk, that

34:07

means your day is going to be a shit

34:09

show. Right? It's

34:11

a metaphor. You had a plan, and the

34:14

whole thing went to shit. And then you

34:16

got to scramble it up. Right? That's how

34:18

I look at it. So not

34:20

only did I break I broke one, the

34:23

other one was okay. But then

34:25

I was just so fucking frustrated. Because

34:28

you want them runny, because then you still have the

34:30

nutrition in there, right? All these people that have it

34:32

over hard, yeah, over hard like your fucking arteries, right?

34:35

So I go to flip the

34:37

thing and I'm so fucking frustrated that it's going to turn

34:39

into basically a fried egg sandwich. I got mad and I

34:41

go to flip the other one. I broke that one too.

34:44

And I just was in my kitchen by myself going,

34:47

Yeah, there you go. Fuck the whole thing, right? Yeah,

34:49

fuck the whole thing. The

34:51

NeNe downstairs. Are you all right? Yeah,

34:53

bye. What are you doing? Just

34:57

making some eggs, honey. Doesn't sound

34:59

like it. Comes

35:03

the interrogation, right? It comes to fucking

35:05

interrogation. Like Norbert Leo

35:08

butts his wife on

35:10

bloodline. Oh my

35:12

god, that character is driving

35:14

me up the fucking wall. Not saying

35:17

the actress, she's phenomenal. But that whole

35:19

dynamic it's like, can you just shut

35:21

up? Can you leave the

35:23

man alone? Is

35:26

anybody watching bloodline? I'm not going to ruin any

35:28

of this shit. But you got to fucking watch

35:30

it. You got to watch it. I'm like, I'm

35:33

already five episodes into season two,

35:35

it just came out. You know,

35:38

I had a nice three day weekend so

35:40

Billy fucking red cakes here. I

35:44

I've been fucking Netflix the

35:46

whole weekend. I started off the

35:48

weekend. I watched the do

35:50

over Adam Sandler's

35:53

new movie with David Spade. It

35:55

was fucking great. I always love

35:57

Sandler's fucking movies and I

35:59

love Spade. character. That's how to talk about a

36:01

movie without saying what the fuck happens. Just watch

36:03

it. And also just being

36:05

a fan of people out here in Hollywood

36:08

that do their own goddamn

36:10

thing. I

36:13

guess Sandler's movies crush it on Netflix. So he's like,

36:15

well, why fucking take it to the movie theater? I'll

36:17

just take it right to you. So he cut a

36:19

deal with them for like his next, I don't know,

36:21

four to six movies. And they

36:23

went right, right to that. So I believe

36:25

this is the first one. And um,

36:28

I fucking loved it, man. I

36:30

loved it. I got, uh, I can't say what happens, but there

36:32

was just one thing that Sandler did. And

36:34

I was like, that's probably going to be the most

36:37

disgusting thing I'm going to see for

36:39

the first half of the year. And then something

36:41

else happens that involves a fucking old lady. Um,

36:44

so there you go. I just primed the pump, check

36:46

it out. If you get a chance. And I've been

36:49

watching bloodline and

36:51

then, uh, somebody else recommended I am

36:53

road comic. And it was

36:55

about, uh, just these comics, Wayne Federman and these

36:58

guys doing this road gig and, enjoyed

37:00

all of that, enjoyed all of that. And,

37:03

uh, but I mentioned earlier that,

37:05

uh, check those out if you can't check them out if

37:08

you can't. Anyways. So I mentioned earlier

37:10

that I am in a, a, a, a much

37:13

more upbeat mood than

37:15

I've been in a while, you

37:17

know? And I know what you think of bill,

37:19

or what would you, would you get another bottle of booze?

37:21

No, not at all. Not

37:24

at all. I finally went to a

37:26

chiropractor. All right.

37:30

I went to a chiropractor. Um, and

37:33

I never, I never go to the doctor. All

37:36

right. Because that's how I was brought up. Christ,

37:38

I'm telling you, Billy, Christ, you're going to

37:40

get down there and you're going to find

37:42

something and you're just going to charge

37:44

you up the fucking white bill. Take

37:47

a goddamn aspirin. All right. You hang

37:49

from a pull-up bar. You'll be fine.

37:51

All Right.?

37:54

I Came from a family in a town where you didn't

37:56

go to the fucking doctor. If you went to the fucking,

37:58

you don't go to the doctor. You.

38:00

Know take you Cairo mechanic is it gonna fuck

38:03

and find something? So. I. Finally

38:05

go to the The Chiropractor because at this

38:07

point I told you I'm literally in the

38:09

writers' room. I have cushions from the couch

38:11

on the floor and I'm I'm by lay

38:13

on the floor and of. A

38:15

call it's floor pitching. I just pits

38:17

Jokes Lane on the floor. And

38:20

then when it gets to some critical part part

38:22

of the story I then stand up. To

38:25

see what's going on. And then I laid back down

38:27

again. Then I just lay on the ground. What a

38:29

bar would fry said. It. Off

38:32

what you thought was right. That's what

38:34

I do. So. I father

38:36

couldn't take it anymore and a buddy of mine

38:38

works on the show said I got a great

38:40

chiropractor and follows is like you know what? you

38:43

gotta let that fuck in. Suburban.

38:45

Boston shit Gov Okay, There's no way if

38:47

they always fucked up, everybody would still be

38:50

going to himself. And of going

38:52

down there and this guy was a

38:54

fucking wizard. Unbelievable,

38:56

right? He. Literally. Like.

39:00

Put. His hand. Write.

39:02

A my lower back the was just pushing

39:04

on my spine like on one side of

39:06

it's. And was gonna seems like you have a

39:09

i an older injury here from a long time

39:11

ago. I was like yeah, fuck

39:13

did you know this? Good. Like itself

39:15

is this is bold. Say that guy a bulging

39:17

disc. And he goes aig

39:19

I got yeah, fuck, you know what am

39:21

I when I was in fourth grade. Of

39:24

are you know I was into wrestling and podium.

39:26

I knew how to do the figure four leg

39:28

lock and unfortunately the only way to teach someone

39:30

how to do it's is to put a minute.

39:33

And he put me in the fuck it thing. And.

39:36

When I sat up to try to free my

39:38

leg i since the first time I felt. Something

39:41

go out and my back and then the

39:43

next time was playing football. Freshman year of

39:46

high school pick up football. I didn't play

39:48

organized. Then. Play organize because I

39:50

got a D and Method fifth grade and that

39:52

was that was. That. was my retirement

39:54

like when jordan retired in two thousand and three

39:56

except by now i want one championship never

40:00

returned. But

40:03

anyways, he was able to fix

40:05

all of that shit. I immediately

40:07

felt better. The next day

40:09

I was sore and then over the weekend,

40:11

like, like last night for the

40:14

first time in like two months, I was able

40:16

to sit down for a significant period of time

40:18

and have no pain whatsoever. And

40:21

I just been doing all these stretches. And

40:23

the biggest one is I've

40:26

been doing that, you

40:28

know, the up dog yoga stretch for

40:31

your was your psoas muscle in the front,

40:33

I just thought it connected your top to

40:35

your bottom, just where your hips were and

40:37

it ran perpendicular to your waist. I

40:39

didn't realize that it came up and then kind of made

40:42

like an S turn right to like the

40:44

middle of your body. He was explaining to

40:46

me, I forget what it is. But like,

40:48

I've been stretching that thing and doing my

40:50

Vietnamese gambler squat and a couple

40:53

of runners stretch. And I

40:55

think by this time next week, I should be I

40:57

should be right as rain. And

41:01

dude, he fucking cracked my back. I didn't know he was going

41:03

to do it. I was laying on my

41:05

back and he goes, All right, bring your knees up,

41:07

bring them over to the side. Just let it relax,

41:09

relax, let me have all the weight and fucking right

41:11

there, Fred. And I just

41:13

started fucking laughing like dude, what the fuck?

41:15

Because I always thought it was like they

41:17

were cracking your bones. I guess there's gas

41:20

that they're releasing in there.

41:22

I have no fucking idea. But anyways, I

41:27

don't know, I that's something I always have to remember that

41:30

just because something's a racket doesn't mean that

41:32

there's not somebody that's really good at it. You

41:35

know what I mean? Like think of the

41:37

reputation that comedians have, we don't have

41:39

a good reputation. We're on off stage,

41:41

retention floors, we got the fucking lampshades

41:44

on our head and we tell fucking

41:46

awful jokes. Yet despite that, there's

41:48

still your fucking you know, David tells

41:51

Chappelle's Louis Cks and all of those

41:53

fucking guys. So

41:57

that's what I guess what you got to do. You got to find the

41:59

Louis Cks of chiropractors before you fucking go in

42:01

and I think I did. So,

42:03

I don't know.

42:07

This is so, I don't even know how to get out of this. This

42:09

is just something good happened to me and I told you the story and

42:12

nothing bad happened. So I don't have any jokes about it. Other

42:15

than I couldn't find the fucking place, I

42:18

was driving over with my phone, right? It's

42:20

directing me over there. And then in the

42:22

last second, right

42:25

when I needed it, where

42:27

the building was, I hit like a whatever,

42:29

a dead zone and I had nothing.

42:34

And I walked up to the building, was one of those

42:36

partially like

42:38

rented buildings. So it looked like it was abandoned

42:40

from where I was and I'm looking in and

42:42

by now I'm already losing my shit. I'm like,

42:44

right, there's nobody even in this fucking

42:46

field, fucking building's abandoned. Then I just see this

42:49

nurse walk by looking at me with their scrubs

42:51

on like, what the fuck is your problem? I

42:53

was just, then I had to kind of be

42:55

like play it off and then kind of follow

42:57

her around the part of the building that was

42:59

actually being used. I

43:02

swear to God, man. I

43:05

need to learn how to have patience. I

43:07

just, I have

43:09

zero fucking patience. I have zero

43:11

fucking tolerance, all of

43:13

that shit. And I don't

43:16

know, it's really gonna be the death of me. I

43:19

really gotta learn to just fucking relax. It's

43:21

weird, little shit, little shit fucking drives me

43:24

out the wall, major shit or major pains

43:26

in the ass. I just laugh and I

43:28

don't, yesterday I was driving my lovely wife

43:30

back from, went over to the mall,

43:32

she picked up a few things. We got all the way

43:34

home, my back was starting to kill me and she realized

43:36

she left one of her shopping bags in

43:39

a store and she flipped the fuck out

43:41

and I just, and I was like, ah, no, it's fine,

43:43

it's fine. I don't give a shit, right? I

43:46

drive all the way back, my back's killing me. I didn't give

43:48

a fuck, totally relaxed, that

43:50

was fine, right? But

43:52

then like an old lady walks in a crosswalk and

43:55

I have to wait an extra six seconds to make

43:57

a left and I literally have a melt out. life

44:00

of me I can't figure

44:02

out why that is but

44:05

anyways speaking of great

44:07

stand-up comedians Doug

44:13

Stanhope put

44:15

something up he

44:17

wrote something he's friends with Johnny Depp

44:19

and he's going through this brutal fucking

44:22

divorce and I

44:24

just want to give him props for

44:27

sticking up for his friend and everything and

44:29

saying something because you

44:32

know you know what's really so fucked up all

44:35

right it's all the

44:37

shit that happens to women that

44:39

guys do to women is fucked

44:41

up but there has been a slight

44:44

overcorrection now where if somebody a woman

44:46

just says you do something before

44:49

you're ever tried or convicted it just

44:51

gets put in the paper it gets

44:53

put all over the internet and then

44:55

all you fucking morons or 90% of

44:57

you on the fucking internet just

45:00

take it as truth take

45:02

it as fun why do you take it is truth because

45:05

you want it to be true because he's doing better than you

45:07

in life I mean it's

45:09

fucking unbelievable I really believe this

45:11

okay if somebody gets accused okay

45:17

of rape or domestic violence they

45:19

should not publicize the person's name

45:21

until they're convicted of it I

45:24

think that's more than fair considering

45:27

all the fucking dopes

45:29

out there that the second they read

45:31

something yeah let it fucking see

45:36

what happens

45:39

first see what the fuck

45:41

happens first all that that that whole thing now

45:43

that all you got to do is just say

45:45

the amount of fucking guys who've been falsely accused

45:48

of that shit it's like you're

45:50

literally fucking with their ability to get a

45:52

job you're fucking with their reputation

45:54

you know the deal dude like

45:56

domestic violence and anything involving sex

45:59

that shit never goes that

46:01

never goes away. So

46:04

I don't know, I just want to, you know, give

46:07

Stan hope fucking props are actually sticking up for the

46:09

guy because there's a lot of people, you

46:12

know, because of the stigma around that, even if

46:14

they know it isn't true, they're afraid to throw

46:16

their hat in the fucking ring. Right?

46:18

Now, I don't know what the fuck happened or

46:20

whatever. Okay, I'm just saying the fact that somebody

46:22

finally just said, Hey, this guy hasn't been tried

46:24

for anything yet. He's a friend of mine. I

46:26

know he would never do this. It was, it

46:29

was refreshing to finally read that and for

46:31

somebody to finally say, you know,

46:34

what I believe is you shouldn't put somebody's

46:37

name out there until, you know,

46:39

100% tried and convicted, they definitely

46:41

did that shit. And then if they did tar and

46:43

feather them, but to do that to

46:46

somebody and

46:49

also to give that weapon to somebody that

46:51

they can just fucking say that and

46:54

blackmail you with that and really

46:56

destroy your reputation. I don't

47:00

know, it's fucking reprehensible. So this is

47:02

another thing that isn't really funny. You

47:05

know, you know,

47:08

it's like all those duke lacrosse players. This

47:12

shit, they just fucking faces all

47:14

over the fuck fucking and

47:16

you know, to this day, despite the

47:18

fact that they were totally vindicated, despite

47:21

the fact that there was

47:23

a 30 for 30 talking about how bad

47:25

they got railroaded despite all of that, you

47:27

know, that's still going to affect their lives. You know,

47:30

there's still going to be somebody going, yeah, but you

47:32

know, something happened, you know, somebody when they get mad

47:34

and they got nothing else to say they're going to

47:36

call him a rapist or something like that. You fucking

47:38

know that they're gonna. So I

47:41

don't know. I don't know.

47:43

It was it was good to see. And of course, it was Stan Hope.

47:45

Stan Hope. Stan Hope's a good

47:47

fucking man. As

47:51

is Johnny Depp, by the way, a few

47:53

times he's a big stand up fan. He comes

47:55

out to shows. He's fucking humble as hell. You

47:58

know, gentle, one of the most Gentle fucking

48:00

people love her, you know what I mean? Look, listen to me, listen

48:02

to how the fuck I talk, you know what I mean? You'd

48:05

understand it if it came, you know, somebody

48:07

said that about me, that he fucking snapped

48:09

like Posey and fucking Dirty Dozen. I

48:12

don't know, I barely know the guy. I've only met

48:14

him a few fucking times, but like, I don't, I

48:17

really tend to believe what

48:20

the fuck Stan Hope is saying.

48:22

And I 100% believe that you should not

48:24

be putting somebody's fucking name out there just

48:26

because somebody said it, you

48:28

know? This

48:30

fucking state is brutal. She's going

48:32

for fucking spousal support, you know? Going

48:35

for fucking spousal support, which means he's gotta pay

48:37

her for like the rest of her fucking life.

48:39

She married the guy for 15 fucking months. And

48:41

you know what kills me about that person? She's

48:43

gonna fucking go to the Beyonce concert, right? Oh,

48:45

the lady's independent. Well, you watch her throw a

48:47

fucking hand up. Oh,

48:50

that shit gets me heated. All right, here

48:52

we go. Here we go. Is

48:55

there any fucking ribbons for guys

48:57

falsely accused of rape and domestic

48:59

violence? Did they get there a month? Will

49:02

the NFL wear a color for them? Of

49:04

course they won't. They don't give a fuck. Anyways.

49:12

All right, here we go.

49:14

Let's talk about that game

49:16

six, holy fucking shit. Game

49:20

six, OKC Golden State Warriors. And when I say

49:22

holy fucking shit, not only do I mean

49:24

it was a great game, I mean, holy fucking

49:26

shit. You guys are gonna have to sit

49:28

here and listen to a man who never watches

49:30

basketball talk about basketball. Actually, I watched the most

49:33

I've watched this year and I watched the Celtics

49:35

mainly. Fucking

49:38

brutal, man. I'm not gonna lie to you. I always

49:40

root for the underdogs. I was going for OKC, right?

49:43

And you know, Golden State got theirs last year. I

49:46

like, you know, I've been to a home game of the

49:49

Thunder. The

49:51

fans are fucking unreal. And I love their stadium.

49:53

It's like a college stadium, you

49:55

know? It's not like fucking triple

49:58

decker, Ugly box is

50:00

like down the Staples Center, which every time I

50:02

go in there There's a part of me that

50:05

gets really sad for like true Laker fans True

50:07

King fans true clipper fans that they

50:10

got banished that fucking high up. It's

50:12

fucking ridiculous. They got a goddamn nightclub

50:14

in there You

50:16

know where you can hang out afterwards. It's

50:18

the stupidest shit ever right and meanwhile all

50:21

the fucking the real

50:23

fans That have been hanging out,

50:26

you know the only real fan in the lower

50:28

level of at the Lakers game He got to

50:30

Diane Cannon and Jack Nicholson. They've been there for

50:32

fucking ever and I think it was Jack first

50:37

But anyways And

50:40

I I've seen I saw

50:42

Kevin Durant play when he was still I sent

50:44

at key arena when he's still with the Sonics

50:46

and I was at that game when

50:48

okc was playing the Miami Heat

50:51

and Chris Bosch gotten in one

50:53

of the Thunder's guys faces and

50:57

Duran immediately walked over and

50:59

said some shit and broke it up and then he like was

51:02

really fucking You know

51:04

look like not yelling but just Laying

51:06

down the lot of his teammate and afterwards they asked

51:08

him what he said He said I

51:10

just told him there's a lot of phony tough guys in

51:12

the league and that guy's one of them and right there

51:14

I mean he was like 22 23

51:16

when he did that I was like, yeah you got it you can't

51:18

not love that guy right so I'm rooting for these guys and It's

51:23

the classic fucking thing about a team that knows

51:26

how to win another one that didn't they had

51:28

those fuck They actually actually won the fucking game

51:31

They had the fuck I can't say they went they had

51:33

it one they were up by seven with four and a

51:35

half minutes left and they were playing like they were down

51:37

by 15 and fucking

51:41

the Warriors They

51:44

were like They were like

51:46

this patient like a you know when you see like

51:48

I want a python grab something and it wraps itself

51:51

around you And it just chill it and

51:53

every time you ask exhale it just fucking

51:56

goes a little tighter and a little tighter

51:59

You know and then you like You can't

52:01

even fucking breathe your pass out and it's over. That's

52:03

all they did. If you rewatch

52:05

that game, they never increased the

52:07

tempo of that game. They just

52:09

fucking, they were like Jason in

52:12

Friday the 13th, you know, when

52:14

someone's running away, OKC was a

52:16

victim running away, looking over their

52:18

shoulders. So they're tripping over logs

52:20

and shit. And they just fucking

52:22

walked up on them. And that was it. Fucking

52:25

machete to the back of the neck. They

52:29

were playing like they were down by 15 when they were

52:31

up by seven. And then they just started

52:33

coming down the court. They stopped passing

52:35

the fucking ball. And

52:38

that was one of the most

52:40

devastating losses I've seen of a

52:42

home team in a long fucking

52:45

time. They just

52:47

ripped their hearts out, fucking held

52:49

it up to their faces and then threw it

52:51

in the crowd. There

52:55

was dead fucking silence.

52:59

Except for those 20 unbelievable

53:01

stereotypical jerk off California

53:03

sports fans that hung

53:06

around. They are the

53:08

fucking worst. Not all of

53:10

them, but 80 percent of them. They are the

53:12

fucking, maybe there was a touch of the Yolo

53:14

douche that was fucking going on, right? You

53:18

know, the white guys with the hat to the side,

53:20

you know, two of them DJ, right? They

53:23

were standing behind all

53:26

of the, all of the fucking announces there.

53:28

Nia killed me when we were watching it.

53:30

She was fucking making

53:33

fun of Shaq. He said he's he's

53:36

one of those big blue suit, his

53:38

big round head. She said he looked like one of

53:40

those talking M&Ms. Anyways,

53:46

but Jesus Christ, Clay Thompson, my God,

53:49

at what point are you going to cover the guy? This

53:51

is what's so fucked up about the NBA. You

53:54

know, when when

53:57

when when it was fucking named when Steph Curry goes

53:59

down the. lane for like the 50th fucking

54:01

time. Look cross over

54:03

here, little Dan whoopie whoopie do and he's in

54:06

the air. Back in the day that

54:08

you would have got, you would have got fucking brought

54:10

down to earth on the back of your head. That

54:12

would have been it. And everyone would have stood up

54:14

and pushed and shoved and nobody would have got ejected.

54:18

He's fucking like that's something because I

54:20

watched very little basketball for a long time

54:22

during my standup career. And I just cannot

54:24

believe the way you can just coast down

54:27

the fucking lane. You

54:29

know what I mean? Back in the day, if you tried to

54:31

go down the lane, you had to be a fucking man. You

54:34

know, you knew you were going to, you know, you

54:36

could get away with it once, maybe twice, and then

54:38

that was it. It

54:41

was like when Michael Vick was running around as

54:43

a quarterback, you knew eventually one of those linebackers

54:45

was going to have an opportunity. And,

54:48

um, yeah, it was going to,

54:50

you know, this, you know, if you're a running quarterback, you

54:52

know, eventually, you know,

54:55

it's almost like considered like, uh, I, I

54:57

feel it's considered like a cheap fucking play.

55:00

Like we got you guys covered. You know what

55:02

I mean? And then you're just going to fucking,

55:04

you know, run and then fucking slide on your

55:06

ass for a first down. That makes

55:08

people mad on the defense.

55:10

And eventually you're not going to have time

55:12

to go down or they don't give a fuck that you're going

55:14

down and they're going to take the fucking, the

55:16

fine. And I'm, I'm amazed how

55:20

that has been taken out of the fucking game. These

55:22

guys just glide. Watch,

55:25

um, I want

55:28

to say when Michael hit Rambus, I don't even know if there was

55:30

a foul, there

55:32

must've been a foul, but nobody was ejected. That would have

55:34

been like, what I don't know, whatever the suspensions are nowadays,

55:37

three to five game suspension. But

55:39

anyways, um, clay

55:41

Thompson, Jesus Christ, the fucking guy was unconscious. And,

55:45

uh, I

55:47

got to tell you, man, I just, the

55:50

only reason why I think okay. See can

55:52

win game seven is nobody thinks they can't. And

55:55

that always makes me feel like Vegas is going to win

55:57

a ton of fucking money. I actually have a bet. I

56:01

called in the I am Rapoport

56:03

podcast Because

56:06

Rapoport anytime anything bad happens to

56:08

fucking Boston teams He's

56:10

just got a hard-on for it You know what I mean?

56:13

And then he tries to act like he doesn't give a

56:15

fuck about baseball and then when I bring up how

56:18

successful the Yankees are He

56:20

flips out. That's right. That's right. We

56:22

fucking prison race you he flips out

56:25

it it literally ages

56:27

that man What

56:29

has happened over the last decade and a half?

56:33

What we have accomplished with only four

56:35

teams Even

56:37

our fucking soccer team if you want

56:39

to throw that in right even they

56:41

want a championship it apples absolutely fucking

56:43

Devastates that man You

56:46

know and all he's got is the two

56:48

giant Super Bowls which to be honest with

56:50

you You know I don't give a fuck

56:52

if you told me 15 years ago Hey,

56:54

the Patriots are gonna go to six Super

56:56

Bowls and win four of them Do

56:59

you think I'm gonna cry about the other two? I don't give

57:01

a fuck Four

57:05

and two I'll fucking take that you know

57:08

else would take that the fucking Giants If

57:12

they could have gone to six and one four and

57:14

why wouldn't you? Well,

57:16

you know something they would probably say winning two against the

57:18

Patriots is better And I would actually believe that I

57:21

would actually believe that so whatever you know what I mean But

57:23

that's the kind of sports fan. I am I

57:25

don't have this blind Hatred

57:29

you know This is the thing of

57:31

this is the thing about me as much as I

57:33

sound like I'm upper deck. I'm really not

57:35

I Am the way I

57:37

drink I am the way I talk the way

57:40

I curse I am an upper deck guy, but

57:42

I am a logical son of a bitch. I'm

57:44

not saying I'm box seats I'm

57:46

on the mezzanine level Okay

57:49

I'm just that much closer To

57:53

the fucking to the field now Rappaport

57:56

Rappaport is upper deck all day

57:58

all fucking day He hears

58:00

this he's gonna say he's actually proud of

58:02

it. Rapoport's that guy at the top of

58:04

the fucking stadium Going is

58:06

anybody looking is anybody looking and he fucking takes

58:08

a piss up in the corner? You know what

58:11

I mean? He actually really is more Like

58:13

a Philly fan than a New York fan. He

58:15

can't help him. He just can't

58:17

help it. The man The man has in

58:20

and when I hear his hatred Towards

58:23

Boston sports and when I hear his

58:25

excitement every time They

58:28

reinstate the Brady suspension. It just

58:30

makes me it I

58:32

can't even tell you how happy it makes me That

58:35

there's a New York sports fan that is

58:37

experiencing This level

58:39

of joy that something bad

58:41

is finally happening to a Boston

58:43

team this century It

58:46

never used to be that way, you know,

58:49

you know what New York sports fans are to Boston

58:51

fans They're like your big brother that used to be

58:53

able that could beat you up until you about 14

58:56

And then you finally kicked his ass, you know You

58:59

know threw him down the flight of stairs, you

59:01

know, you felt them quit and

59:03

it's fucking over You

59:05

know, you need but it's never over because you know

59:07

at some point some point in your 30s Something's

59:10

gonna come and something's gonna happen at like a

59:13

family reunion and they're gonna come at you one

59:15

more time Right. You just give me old front

59:17

face lock, right? Into a

59:19

back body drop and then it's fucking over Once

59:22

you hear that body hit that linoleum floor, right?

59:25

The ankle just clips the counter they're fucking

59:28

done. I Love

59:32

Rapoport, you know, all right.

59:34

He's another pasty fucking human being

59:36

is out of his fucking mind just like me All right.

59:39

Let's read a little bit of advertising Little

59:43

advertising here for and when I say

59:45

little I mean little we only got

59:47

two reads everybody. Oh When

59:50

you try to make the reeds funny There

59:53

goes the honey right out the fucking door. All right Let's

59:56

get back to the podcast here All

1:00:01

right, so old, uh, old Billy fucking fat cakes.

1:00:03

I'm in a writer's room and I have a,

1:00:05

I blew out my fucking sciatic

1:00:08

nerve. Right. I,

1:00:10

uh, so

1:00:13

I have not been working out and I've been trying to eat

1:00:15

the best I can, but I finally bit the bullet and stepped

1:00:17

on the fucking scale the other day and I was 183. So

1:00:20

my fighting weights, 172. I went down to 163

1:00:24

last year. I knew I couldn't sustain that. That was

1:00:26

like my emaciated fucking, you know, underwear

1:00:30

model weight, but I still, you

1:00:32

know, no, there's never been a red headed underwear model,

1:00:34

a male one. I don't think, you know,

1:00:38

but there's always a first. Um, so

1:00:41

I really want to be like 172. So, uh,

1:00:43

I just said, you know, I started yesterday, uh,

1:00:46

I got my birthday coming up on June

1:00:48

10th and, um, there cannot be

1:00:51

an eight anywhere in my

1:00:53

body weight on my birthday for life. I've

1:00:55

just decided that that's it. It's not fucking

1:00:57

happening. So, uh, this morning I was one

1:00:59

81.6. You know, I got my gym right

1:01:03

outside, my back's feeling good. I'm actually

1:01:05

doing fucking legs and eggs today. Right.

1:01:08

Legs and eggs, the foxy lady. Hey guys,

1:01:10

come on down for legs and eggs. Right.

1:01:13

I'm fucking, uh, doing some squats and,

1:01:16

um, I'll

1:01:18

do the gym is the shit, the

1:01:20

fucking speed bag, the atomic holds the

1:01:22

pegboard. Um,

1:01:26

I just walk right up. I want to fucking bench.

1:01:28

I don't have to worry about anything. You

1:01:30

know, I got

1:01:32

a wireless fucking speaker, right?

1:01:35

I actually don't. I have this, um, I

1:01:37

got this other thing. It looks like a Marshall amp. Looks

1:01:40

like the head of a Marshall amp. And you just plug

1:01:42

your phone in there. And, uh,

1:01:44

and I just cranked like fucking

1:01:47

AC, DC and fucking all the shit that

1:01:49

I love guns and roses and all that.

1:01:51

Like back in the day. And,

1:01:53

uh, my goal is one

1:01:56

time in my life did I ever put

1:01:58

up two 25 and three. before

1:02:00

you meathead left over from the fucking 80s.

1:02:03

225 was the shit, because

1:02:05

that was two 45 pound plates on

1:02:07

both sides, right? And you just

1:02:09

brought it down and right back up again. And

1:02:12

I did that back when I weighed about a buck 65. So

1:02:15

I am an

1:02:17

old man now. So right now,

1:02:19

you know, I just got the 45s on either

1:02:21

side, you know what, I'm working my way back. And

1:02:24

I also know how to build myself up

1:02:26

without hurting myself. I always make sure if

1:02:28

I'm gonna go 20 pounds up that

1:02:30

I can do 20 pounds less, at least six

1:02:32

times. And then I just

1:02:35

go up and see, you know, if I can do

1:02:37

20 pounds up like two times, maybe

1:02:40

three. And I just worked my

1:02:42

way up. So I

1:02:44

literally started out with just 25s on either side,

1:02:48

you know, did that 10 times. And I threw the

1:02:50

35s 10 times and I put the 45s on. I

1:02:53

could only do it like six fucking times,

1:02:55

pathetic. But now I'm back up to 10

1:02:57

reps on all of those. And

1:02:59

I just moved up to a buck 55, which

1:03:02

I put up like four times. So

1:03:04

I should have my 80s body back soon,

1:03:06

you know, we had just totally

1:03:08

overdeveloped up top. And then I have my chicken

1:03:10

legs. Now it's not happening this time.

1:03:12

This time I'm actually gonna do the fucking squats. So

1:03:15

anyways, if anybody else

1:03:18

has those atomic holds, like

1:03:22

what are you, cause they give you those

1:03:24

little, those plastic bands that you then put

1:03:26

like the C clamp on and then you

1:03:28

can swing from those things. Like

1:03:30

what do you hook the plastic thing from? I got them

1:03:32

on my chin up bar, but the shit

1:03:35

in the ceiling is like a fish

1:03:37

hook, but it's totally closed. So I can't put the

1:03:39

plastic thing in there. I

1:03:41

guess I could just fucking email the company and

1:03:43

I could figure out how to do it. Anyways,

1:03:46

let's literally babbling here.

1:03:49

Oh, who do you guys like in the Stanley

1:03:51

Cup playoffs? In the

1:03:53

Stanley Cup final. I

1:03:57

gotta tell you after watching the sharks beat

1:03:59

my. I have nothing

1:04:02

but respect for those guys now and

1:04:06

I actually really like that team But

1:04:11

then I got a ton of friends in Pittsburgh, I

1:04:14

don't know I Don't

1:04:17

know I don't know what to do. Why is

1:04:19

Sidney Crosby so hateable? Is it the pouty lips

1:04:21

was it the crying after every fucking call for

1:04:23

so many fucking years the guy's unbelievable? He's

1:04:26

unbelievable I

1:04:31

don't know. I have no idea who's gonna win that one, but I'm

1:04:33

gonna watch Bartnak actually invited me over I got to get back to

1:04:35

him Maybe I'll be able to run over there and watch this then

1:04:37

if I go over there I'm not one of those douches that even

1:04:39

if I wanted San Jose to win I would go over there I

1:04:42

definitely root for the pens You

1:04:44

can't when you see how happy Joe Bartnak is

1:04:46

anytime the penguins score a fucking goal There's

1:04:49

there's no way to not root for the penguins and I'm

1:04:51

not even rooting for the penguins I'm just rooting to see

1:04:53

Joe Bartnak happy All

1:04:56

right, here we go The

1:04:58

questions for the week week week week week

1:05:00

online dating from a lady High

1:05:04

bumbling Billy Butterballs, I

1:05:07

like that one fumbling

1:05:09

rumbling bumbling stumbling I Actually

1:05:12

tweeted about you to see that four-year-old kid

1:05:14

fell into the gorilla enclosure and then they

1:05:16

killed the gorillas. I Said

1:05:19

I tweeted about that. I was saying how

1:05:21

a Four-year-old does

1:05:23

not fall accidentally fall

1:05:27

into a gorilla enclosure. I

1:05:29

wrote that was a Hashtag

1:05:31

Chris Berman Alright

1:05:41

I am a 26 year old lady and

1:05:44

I met this guy I am really

1:05:46

into on an online dating app I

1:05:48

am NOT on the app for hookups

1:05:50

and don't think he is either We

1:05:53

have met we have met up

1:05:55

in public places three times in the past

1:05:57

week and I can really see potential with

1:05:59

him That's so I'm so fucking jealous that

1:06:01

you guys have that app where it's like

1:06:03

I'm not on there just to hook up

1:06:05

with people Like you literally can turn yourself

1:06:07

into like a gigolo or a call girl

1:06:09

with regular fucking people. It's unbelievable He

1:06:12

said we have met up in public places

1:06:14

three times in the past week and I

1:06:16

can really see potential with him I haven't

1:06:18

been to his actual apartment yet, but met

1:06:20

him once in the parking garage of his complex

1:06:23

That sounds like a blowjob Sorry,

1:06:26

I shouldn't have said that he

1:06:28

wants to hang out and watch a movie

1:06:30

at his place I'm not approved naive or

1:06:33

getting any weird vibes or red flags from

1:06:35

him I just don't want to put myself

1:06:37

in any potentially dangerous situations or give him

1:06:39

any false signs How soon

1:06:41

is too soon after meeting someone online to

1:06:44

hang out at their apartment, dude? What the

1:06:46

fuck? I don't know. I Have

1:06:49

no idea you don't sound comfortable. So I wouldn't

1:06:51

do it. I Wouldn't

1:06:53

do it. I would I Think

1:06:56

if you're gonna spend time alone with

1:06:58

him for the first time I

1:07:00

would do it at your place and

1:07:05

Have 9-1 dialed in

1:07:07

the phone in your hand. I mean, I don't know if you're getting

1:07:09

this kind of a creepy vibe Are you getting a creepy vibe because?

1:07:13

You met him online I

1:07:17

have my advice is I would not go over

1:07:19

there anytime soon until that whole fucking vibe goes

1:07:21

away and Whether

1:07:26

you're approved or not has

1:07:28

nothing to do with anything. That's just it

1:07:30

has to do with being smart Jesus

1:07:34

Christ now you got me thinking

1:07:36

there's something wrong with them. You know what stay away from that guy

1:07:41

All right boyfriend doesn't want a dog I Don't

1:07:45

know how to say this. Hey Billy Is

1:07:48

that a French word B E T E with a little hat

1:07:50

on the first E now I got to look it up You

1:07:53

know what happens when I do this shit? Alright.

1:07:56

Oh You know what? I actually was

1:07:58

looking up the other day Um,

1:08:00

because I'm I'm a big fan of the 83 Philadelphia

1:08:05

76ers I was looking up

1:08:10

The St.

1:08:12

Louis spirits, which

1:08:15

was a an

1:08:18

ABA team French

1:08:20

to English translation. There we go. It's an

1:08:22

ABA team. Oh, that means

1:08:24

stupid You fucking

1:08:27

asshole Hey,

1:08:30

Billy stupid What

1:08:32

was I gonna say? I actually looked it up

1:08:34

the other st. Louis spirits and Did

1:08:39

some of the cool nicknames coolest nicknames

1:08:41

ever they had a guy bad

1:08:43

news Barnes fly Williams

1:08:45

and Then Moses Malone

1:08:47

Moses didn't even need a fucking

1:08:49

nickname with the with With

1:08:52

this that had been his real name Moses

1:08:55

Moses Malone bad news

1:08:57

Barnes Fly Williams

1:08:59

and I watched I don't know if there's I think there's a 30 for 30

1:09:02

on it It seemed like

1:09:04

I saw a trailer for it Bob Costas was

1:09:06

going like if you need to know anything about

1:09:08

the ABA That team was the fucking ABA everything

1:09:10

that was great about it. And I believe Bob

1:09:12

Costas is a Missouri guy and So

1:09:15

I think that he was doing all those games If

1:09:19

I ever meet Bob Costas, that's the shit I'm

1:09:21

gonna ask him about out of fucking everything that's

1:09:23

what I would want to talk to him about

1:09:26

is about Yeah, the

1:09:28

ABA Where

1:09:30

he got his start and all I just can't fucking believe

1:09:32

that, you know, he got to see all that stuff So

1:09:36

anyways, here we go. Billy Billy bet Billy

1:09:38

stupid. All right, and I'm a longtime lady

1:09:40

listener I love your

1:09:42

stand-up specials and F is for family is amazing

1:09:45

Thank you Nice work. Thank you.

1:09:47

Thanks again. I'm 29 and I

1:09:50

just moved away from Seattle to San

1:09:52

Antonio with my Air Force pilot boyfriend

1:09:54

All right What

1:09:57

how does that one go? Well,

1:09:59

if we go Oh, into the

1:10:01

wild blue yonder. This

1:10:03

is my first time living away from home

1:10:06

and he's gone a lot for work. I

1:10:08

thought it would be a good idea for

1:10:10

us to get a dog to keep me

1:10:13

sane. I love animals and was a part-time

1:10:15

dog walker in Seattle. My boyfriend, however, has

1:10:17

never owned a pet in his life and

1:10:19

isn't hot on the idea of having a

1:10:21

dog. He's from Iowa and he believes livestock

1:10:23

shouldn't live indoors. Oh

1:10:27

Jesus, I've owned cats and dogs my entire

1:10:29

life and in fact, I had to leave

1:10:31

my 17-year-old cat behind in Seattle and it

1:10:33

broke my heart. Can you

1:10:35

offer any persuasive words to help

1:10:38

bring him around or should I just drop it?

1:10:40

Thanks for the laugh and go fuck yourself. How

1:10:46

do you bring him around? Well, you can do what

1:10:49

my wife did and you

1:10:51

foster, air quote, a rescue dog.

1:10:54

That's what happens. You foster a rescue dog, which

1:10:56

means, yeah, just have it for the weekend. And

1:11:00

as the bit went in my act, I went

1:11:02

from, there's no fucking

1:11:04

way I'm keeping this dog in

1:11:06

a 48-hour period, went

1:11:08

all the way to, oh my God, this thing's gonna

1:11:10

die someday. How am I emotionally gonna be able to

1:11:12

handle this? You

1:11:16

could do that. I

1:11:20

don't, listen, well, this is what I would do. Either

1:11:22

way, no matter how this works out, I would

1:11:24

get a small dog, okay?

1:11:27

Small dogs, small problems, okay?

1:11:30

Small expenses, small shits

1:11:32

to pick up as you're housebreaking the

1:11:34

fucking thing. House training,

1:11:36

whatever the fuck it is. It's not a horse bill, you don't ride

1:11:38

the thing. How

1:11:42

would you do this? Well, it sounds like

1:11:44

he doesn't wanna do it. Why

1:11:47

would he call it livestock? It's not livestock, it's

1:11:49

a fucking pet. I

1:11:52

don't know, you know what it is? This is the thing, if you

1:11:55

foster a dog, this is what's gonna happen. So

1:11:57

this guy grew up on a farm or he grew up

1:11:59

in Iowa. thing when you fucking come

1:12:01

home on a farm a cow's not flipping

1:12:03

out and excited to see you neither is

1:12:05

a horse they can do little things but

1:12:07

nobody gets excited like a fucking dog you

1:12:10

know what I mean it's like Dick

1:12:12

Vitale oh baby he's

1:12:15

a pretty good player right every time you

1:12:17

come home your dog flips out like you

1:12:19

just dunk the ball on a fast break

1:12:21

and the other team called timeout that's the

1:12:23

way your dog fucking reacts now I know

1:12:25

from experiences when I was just a boy

1:12:28

and I would walk to school I used

1:12:30

to feed this horse every day on the

1:12:32

way Bill is this a Tom Sawyer movie

1:12:34

no it isn't this was my childhood and

1:12:36

I remember one time it wouldn't come over so

1:12:39

I walked away and I fuck when I look

1:12:41

back it was doing that walk or was nodding

1:12:43

its head and flipping out for whatever fucking reason

1:12:45

it was like playing hard to get so I know that

1:12:47

they can I guess on some level show

1:12:49

a certain level of emotion but like I

1:12:52

think maybe I

1:12:55

don't know what kind of dog if you get

1:12:57

a little dog that has a nice

1:12:59

mushed up face you know maybe

1:13:02

like one of those French Bulldogs something

1:13:05

that snores and farts your boyfriend can find it

1:13:07

funny I have no idea maybe

1:13:10

a dog like that but I

1:13:13

find it hard to fucking believe unless he grew

1:13:15

up on a farm and anybody grew up on

1:13:17

a fucking farm on a

1:13:19

certain level like they got this cold-bloodedness

1:13:21

to them you know

1:13:23

what I mean they've just seen too much they've

1:13:26

seen fucking animals slaughtered

1:13:29

you know you know like when

1:13:31

they were a kid like their dad goes you want chicken

1:13:33

for dinner is that what you want quit

1:13:36

your crying you want chicken for dinner all right he

1:13:38

come out here you come out here right come on

1:13:40

out which one's

1:13:43

is gonna be dad I don't want chicken

1:13:45

anymore no you said you want a chicken

1:13:47

now pick one out boy

1:13:51

if you don't fucking I'm gonna fucking have you

1:13:53

for dinner if you're like that one then

1:13:56

he fucking just grabs it puts

1:13:58

it on the chopping block And

1:14:00

then hands that kid the fucking cleaver won't

1:14:02

do it. I Said

1:14:05

do it right they lived through that it

1:14:07

like the age of six So

1:14:11

they don't look at animals the way we do And

1:14:14

I got to be honest with you. I'm at one time. I

1:14:16

saw this guy shoot a fucking cow Because

1:14:19

it was bullying the other fuck it was shot

1:14:21

a steer because it was bullying the other

1:14:23

steer They couldn't figure out why the you know You

1:14:26

know they they They'd come

1:14:28

back. You know the next morning and like two or

1:14:31

three cows look like they fucking Somebody

1:14:33

tried to scrap extrapolate some fucking information from them

1:14:35

right that's right word. I don't know But

1:14:40

they got slapped around you know like they walked into a

1:14:42

door and they couldn't figure who the fuck's slapping the shit

1:14:44

out of These steer and it turned they

1:14:46

figured out which one it was so they were like

1:14:48

alright We got to kill this fucking thing, but here's

1:14:50

the deal We don't want the thing to be stressed

1:14:52

before it's killed because that'll affect the taste of the

1:14:55

meat So what they do is

1:14:57

they just sort of do Do-do-do-do-do-do

1:14:59

they just sort of pen it in

1:15:01

and yeah, you know How

1:15:05

you doing doopie doopie do and then they

1:15:07

just fucking take out a gun blam They

1:15:10

fucking kill it right and

1:15:12

I was like oh my god So then they the

1:15:15

guy had like this fucking this

1:15:18

tractor and they tied

1:15:20

up the back things the back Of

1:15:22

its legs they tied up its back legs, and then they

1:15:24

just lifted it up off the ground Then

1:15:27

they gutted the fucking thing All

1:15:29

the blood's pouring out all the fucking entrails, and

1:15:31

I'm just sitting there going oh my god I'm

1:15:34

never eating meat again This is

1:15:37

fucking horrific right and

1:15:39

then they once they fucking chopped the head

1:15:41

and the legs off And they get they

1:15:43

get the fur to hide off and

1:15:46

they started chopping it up I

1:15:48

went from like oh my god. I'm never

1:15:50

eating meat again to my mouth watering gone.

1:15:52

Holy fuck look at

1:15:54

all those stakes and This

1:15:57

guy was cutting him in like four inch

1:15:59

fucking slabs It's like Fred Flintstone fucking

1:16:01

steaks. And it's just like, dude, you could

1:16:03

literally eat yourself to death and not get

1:16:05

a third of the way through that fucking

1:16:08

cow cattle or what a steer, whatever the

1:16:10

fuck it is. So

1:16:13

I think the thing about it is, if

1:16:15

he grew up in Iowa, anywhere near a farm,

1:16:17

that's how they look at

1:16:19

animals. They look at it like, you know, this

1:16:21

is a food source and

1:16:24

don't get too emotionally attached to it.

1:16:26

Keep it outside. Do not give

1:16:28

it a fucking name. And

1:16:30

when it can't make you any more money, you give

1:16:32

it the old fucking right there, Fred. So he might

1:16:34

be a lost cause. You

1:16:36

know what I mean? And

1:16:39

as bad as that might be for you, I

1:16:41

gotta tell you, like the fact that he can

1:16:43

wall off those feelings like that is

1:16:46

great if you ever have an intruder. Because God

1:16:48

help him when that guy, when

1:16:50

the intruder gets those farm hands around him.

1:16:53

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

1:16:56

Fucking throwing bales of hay

1:16:58

since he was four years. The farm

1:17:00

boy strength, Jesus Christ.

1:17:03

That fucking, all those fucking,

1:17:05

every offensive lineman from Nebraska

1:17:08

just grew up fucking punching steer in

1:17:10

the goddamn head. The

1:17:12

fucking maniacs. So the

1:17:15

fact that he grew up in Iowa might be a

1:17:17

lost cause. So I would just say, try fostering a

1:17:19

dog and try to

1:17:21

just get one that is cool and

1:17:23

chills. But if your boyfriend's

1:17:26

active, maybe you want something that's a little

1:17:28

more athletic, but like, you know, you

1:17:31

can have a dog that just wants to chill while you watch

1:17:33

the fucking game. I mean, that's the best. That's why I love

1:17:35

my dog. My dog is fucking shredded.

1:17:38

It makes me want to work out. But

1:17:40

then also, you know, it is down to

1:17:42

take a nap any fucking time you want.

1:17:44

It's not like those sheep herding fucking lunatic

1:17:46

dogs that have like ADD. And if

1:17:48

you don't give it a project, it starts fucking

1:17:50

eating the door, you know? But

1:17:53

anyways, good luck with that shit. All right,

1:17:55

Beyonce's album. Dear

1:17:58

Billy Def Jam. My girlfriend

1:18:00

was listening to the new Beyonce album for

1:18:03

a couple days straight. I let her listen

1:18:05

because we usually listen

1:18:07

to my music, which is music she loves

1:18:09

anyways. I didn't say, it's funny,

1:18:11

I let her listen. You know, it's okay, you can

1:18:13

listen to that. I didn't

1:18:15

say anything for the first few days, but then

1:18:17

I just started getting sick of hearing the same songs.

1:18:20

She understood this and did not take offense because

1:18:22

she's a great girl and I don't waste my

1:18:25

time with shitty girlfriends who can't communicate. Dude,

1:18:27

I got to admit right now. At this point, you

1:18:29

sound like a girl's a great girl as long as

1:18:31

she wants to do everything you want her to do.

1:18:34

She's a great girl. I'd say I'm sick of the... Two

1:18:36

days I'm sick of your music and she's been listening

1:18:38

to your music for fucking ever. Maybe

1:18:41

I'm reading into this. Anyways, later that night, we're

1:18:43

at a bar with her friends or

1:18:46

with her friend who has a

1:18:48

really annoying name that rhymes with

1:18:50

small-een. She

1:18:53

brings up the album, the Beyonce

1:18:55

album, and how great it is. My girl

1:18:57

laughs and says, yeah, I burnt this guy

1:19:00

out with it, pointing to me. Her

1:19:02

friend saw this as an opening to

1:19:05

regurgitate every stupid soundbite she's read on

1:19:07

a blog. Apparently, I'm

1:19:10

not comfortable with women being in a

1:19:12

dominant position or

1:19:14

if a guy did what she did, I

1:19:17

wouldn't care. Yeah,

1:19:19

I know. This happened when that

1:19:21

Alanis Morissette album came out. I

1:19:24

remember enjoying some of the music and some woman

1:19:26

in a bar was going like, do

1:19:28

you even know what this song is about? I

1:19:32

had some relationship with Alanis and she was

1:19:34

yelling at me. I don't understand it. The

1:19:36

song's either fucking... either

1:19:40

like the music or you don't. I don't give a

1:19:42

fuck what she's singing about. At

1:19:46

the end of the day, yeah, if you could fucking be

1:19:48

singing row, row, row your boat, if it sounds good, I'm

1:19:51

going to listen to it. I'm

1:19:54

not necessarily a fan of her shit, but that one

1:19:56

that she did with Jack White, I like that song.

1:20:00

Sounds good, and I've heard it like 10 times

1:20:02

because Nia's been playing it and I cannot tell

1:20:04

you one fucking lyric in it

1:20:07

I don't know. I don't even know what it's about But

1:20:10

anyways, I finally had to interrupt her

1:20:13

and explain that while I think she's what she's

1:20:15

singing about Is

1:20:18

annoying you said it annoying is annoying my

1:20:20

only complaint was that I was tired of

1:20:22

hearing the same song Songs

1:20:24

for three days straight. She wouldn't even listen

1:20:27

Ignoring me and the words coming out

1:20:29

of my calm mouth Dismissing

1:20:31

logic. I turned to my girlfriend and

1:20:33

said how can a girl as smart

1:20:35

as you have such Such

1:20:39

one dismiss such

1:20:42

a one-dimensional dimensional friend Yep,

1:20:45

she tossed what was left of her drink

1:20:48

on me Wow,

1:20:50

this chick is way out of line. It was a

1:20:52

beer bottle That was almost

1:20:54

empty. I barely got any drops on me

1:20:57

She got mad when I laughed and turned

1:20:59

and stomped off. Did I say too much?

1:21:01

Did I say too little? Listen,

1:21:04

I'm not saying you're not a dick. I think I

1:21:07

think you said I think what

1:21:09

you said was perfect What

1:21:12

I mean well to

1:21:15

be honest with you At

1:21:18

some point your girlfriend should have stepped in and

1:21:20

be a little been like guys got maybe she

1:21:22

was guys guys Settle down settle down settle down

1:21:27

But whenever an album like this comes up, I

1:21:30

mean she she realizes that that album is

1:21:32

just like a big fucking isn't that like

1:21:35

you know Just

1:21:38

like a big fucking what do they call it

1:21:40

trolling isn't she just acting like that happened? I

1:21:43

Mean, I don't think she let calluses grow

1:21:45

on her feet and do all that shit that she said She

1:21:52

Always looks like she just came from the spa and

1:21:54

I don't give a fuck what that guy did I

1:21:56

don't think she's interrupting that Maybe

1:21:58

she made the help go down and go through

1:22:01

that biblical shit that

1:22:03

she was talking about. But whatever,

1:22:05

they gotta have that fucking, not

1:22:08

everything's for you, but I understand if

1:22:10

someone's playing an album three days straight,

1:22:12

you'd go fucking nuts. But

1:22:18

I think, yeah, I think you went too

1:22:20

far because you

1:22:22

insulted your girlfriend's girlfriend by,

1:22:25

in a roundabout way, insulting your own girlfriend.

1:22:33

You know, but you have to understand, women

1:22:36

like that, like in

1:22:38

this day and age, this is

1:22:40

like, they're so into that

1:22:44

shit that you're not gonna

1:22:46

convince them one way or the other. That's

1:22:48

like the type of person that acts like an asshole

1:22:51

and just goes, guys are intimidated by

1:22:53

me, and at no point are they

1:22:55

ever examining their own behavior. It's

1:22:58

like, did I tell you guys when I was in Seattle when that

1:23:00

woman came up and fucking slammed her

1:23:02

hands on the stage, because like the stage was

1:23:04

up toward chin, and I'd scared the

1:23:06

shit out of me because I couldn't see anything because the lights

1:23:08

were on, I thought someone had jumped on stage. And

1:23:12

I felt like that joke, like right before you're gonna get

1:23:14

into a fight. And I looked down and

1:23:16

there was this woman screaming

1:23:18

at me or whatever, and I

1:23:22

just said, first of all, she

1:23:24

was standing there forever and no security did anything.

1:23:27

And I joked, I said to the guys in

1:23:29

the crowd, be like, dude, how

1:23:31

many times would we have been choked out at

1:23:33

this point and dragged out of here

1:23:35

and thrown into fucking traffic? This is

1:23:38

one of these women

1:23:40

privilege moments where you can just disrupt

1:23:42

the fucking show. And she'd been standing

1:23:44

there yelling at me for like 30

1:23:46

seconds and nobody moved to do

1:23:48

anything. And

1:23:52

then finally, I just said, man, can you

1:23:54

please take your seat? And she

1:23:56

goes, oh, I'll take my seat, but I don't need your

1:23:58

permission, is what she said. And it

1:24:00

was just like, it's like, all right, I get

1:24:03

it. You're a feminist, but like, you know, you're applying it.

1:24:07

Like in this instance, I'm not the

1:24:09

bad guy. You're the asshole. I

1:24:12

know you have a vagina, so that makes you

1:24:14

this terminal victim in your fucking world and

1:24:16

that you can never be in the wrong, but believe it or

1:24:18

not, at some point, you can be the fucking asshole. And

1:24:23

what you did was you remain

1:24:28

calm, which

1:24:30

is the way to beat anybody in a fucking

1:24:32

argument is as they get heated, you

1:24:34

just stay calm. And when she

1:24:36

had nothing else, she

1:24:40

threw your drink at you and then fucking

1:24:42

stormed off. So it was weird. You won

1:24:44

that argument, but you

1:24:46

or your girlfriend an apology because you

1:24:50

made shit weird between her and her girlfriend

1:24:53

and and he

1:24:55

kind of insulted your own girlfriend in a way. Having

1:25:00

said that, I applaud you for saying that because

1:25:02

that's fucking hilarious. And I actually wish I could

1:25:04

have seen that because any

1:25:06

time those types of songs come out, there's

1:25:08

always that type of shit of like, you

1:25:11

know, oh, you're just saying

1:25:13

that because this you just saying that because that

1:25:16

and you

1:25:18

know, I don't know if you know what I don't like about

1:25:20

that shit is then you just

1:25:22

you just have this built-in fucking excuse. So it's

1:25:24

like, oh, so you're never in the wrong. If

1:25:27

I call you out and say, you know,

1:25:30

X Y and Z it's because of my

1:25:32

own issues. It's never you. Jesus

1:25:37

Christ. That takes me back to Daisy Buchanan's

1:25:39

in like 1990, whatever when

1:25:41

that Alanis Morissette fucking album came out.

1:25:44

All right, here we go. Boxing

1:25:47

or porn? Jesus

1:25:50

Christ is a fucking

1:25:53

wide variety on this

1:25:55

one. Dear Bill, I'm facing a dilemma in my

1:25:57

life and I was hoping to gain an outside

1:25:59

opinion. I'm a 20 year old

1:26:01

male and I've always had aspirations of becoming

1:26:03

a professional boxer. However, I have

1:26:05

a problem. I fear that

1:26:07

I'm addicted to sex. What?

1:26:12

I already don't believe this. This is such

1:26:14

a fucking left turn. I don't even believe.

1:26:16

This is causing problems in my relationship with

1:26:18

my fiancee. I absolutely, I'm absolutely in love

1:26:20

with this woman. She goes out of her

1:26:22

way to make me happy. Sacrifice, sorry, I got the

1:26:24

hiccups. I wolfed down my breakfast before this. She

1:26:28

goes out of her way to make me happy. Sacrifice

1:26:30

so much just to be with me and

1:26:32

also pleasures me often.

1:26:36

Gross! Why

1:26:39

can't you just say you have a wonderful

1:26:41

sex life? Pleasures me often. I

1:26:46

gotta picture you with your head thrown back. Oh,

1:26:48

wow, why would you do that to me, you

1:26:50

cunt? All right, the only problem

1:26:53

is my sexual frustration with her. We

1:26:55

have passionate sex many times during the

1:26:58

week, but I still want it even

1:27:00

more. Eventually ending up growing angry and

1:27:02

resentful towards her when she doesn't want

1:27:04

to. Jesus, dude, go rub one out.

1:27:07

And later feeling like an asshole. This brings

1:27:09

me to ask myself, should I just fuck

1:27:11

for a living? My

1:27:15

fiance and past partners have always complimented

1:27:17

me on my performance in bed and

1:27:19

my stamina. Jesus Christ, this guy's going

1:27:21

hard on Memorial Day. So we

1:27:23

have a parade for you. Going up to

1:27:26

three hours on occasions. I

1:27:33

love the sport of boxing and I've always worked

1:27:35

toward that, but this problem I have sometimes

1:27:38

just makes me want to drop everything and

1:27:40

go fuck the world. Any

1:27:43

advice? This is real or

1:27:45

fake, this is great. Any advice you have

1:27:47

regarding this problem, my relationship or career path

1:27:49

will be greatly appreciated. Thanks and go fuck

1:27:52

yourself. Well, look, if you're boxing, you're

1:27:54

in great shape. I

1:27:56

don't know if you got the porno dick or not, but

1:27:59

you definitely. got the stamina but dude

1:28:01

you don't want to go into that world

1:28:03

if you have other fucking options you don't

1:28:06

want to go into that world and you

1:28:08

know that

1:28:10

I really there's very few

1:28:12

like the people who seem to make them

1:28:14

the zillions of dollars which

1:28:17

is still really hard to do at this point because

1:28:19

porno has become free seems to be

1:28:21

the women they

1:28:25

seem to be the ones that can become be a

1:28:27

star just because guys watch I guess way more of

1:28:29

it so

1:28:33

I would say Jesus

1:28:36

Christ am I gonna tell you to go get your head

1:28:39

kicked in or fucking go

1:28:41

join the dark world of porn I would

1:28:43

say boxing I

1:28:46

would this is what I would do if I was you you

1:28:48

know you usually say if you look

1:28:50

dude you know something with your fucking sex

1:28:52

drive they always say you know

1:28:54

boxers right before a big fight they abstain from

1:28:56

sex for 10 days dude you

1:28:58

know your only problem you can be coming in then your

1:29:01

balls are gonna be feel like they're fucking through the

1:29:04

tarmac whatever you call it

1:29:06

the squared circle yeah

1:29:11

I say you keep fucking boxing you

1:29:14

abstain from sex and hopefully

1:29:17

you're good at you're good at

1:29:19

boxing you know that

1:29:21

is not it that's not a fucking good

1:29:23

profession to just be okay at because

1:29:26

you're gonna be fucking you know your

1:29:28

brains gonna be mush

1:29:32

why don't you try the

1:29:35

UFC at least you got a chance that you can

1:29:38

tap out you can just

1:29:40

get fucking get nothing

1:29:43

you don't get knocked out you don't take a bunch

1:29:45

of headshots in the UFC but I mean you can

1:29:47

get you know an arm bar I'd rather have an

1:29:49

arm bar than be knocked out because you can tap

1:29:51

out before they pop out you fuck dislocate your elbow

1:29:53

you get choked out which sounds horrific to me

1:29:55

but every professional fighter I've ever seen like dude

1:29:57

I'm not trying to get choked out than not

1:30:00

out. You just go to sleep

1:30:02

and then the ref stops it. You're fine. Right.

1:30:07

I got to tell you, that's one of the oddest questions I've

1:30:09

ever had. I

1:30:14

don't know, dude, but God help you

1:30:16

see if you become successful as a boxer,

1:30:19

you're going to become famous and God help

1:30:21

your relationship then. There's

1:30:28

no way to jerk it out of yourself. Go out and lay

1:30:30

on the front lawn like one of those sprinklers. Just

1:30:36

fucking, you know, shoot all your jizz out and then get on

1:30:38

with your fucking day to go do your road work, running

1:30:40

with your hoodie and your Timbalands on. I don't know what

1:30:43

to tell you, dude. That's, that's way beyond me. You

1:30:45

sound like you need a, you need a therapist. Jesus

1:30:50

Christ. I want to believe that that one

1:30:52

was true. I don't know about that one, but anyways, that

1:30:54

is the podcast for this week. Happy Memorial

1:30:56

Day, everybody. Enjoy your day off and I'll

1:30:58

check it out of you

1:31:03

on Thursday. Yeah, that's right. All right.