0:01

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr

0:04

and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,

0:06

just before Friday, Monday

0:08

morning podcasting. I'm just checking

0:11

in on you. How are

0:13

you? How's your sports

0:19

week going? It's

0:21

going pretty good out here in fucking

0:23

San Jose, which is where I'm at.

0:26

Congratulations to the Boston

0:28

Celtics winning their 18th

0:31

world championship. Very

0:36

happy obviously for everybody on the team. Brad

0:38

Stevens, everybody on up the ladder and all

0:40

that and all the Celtic fans out there.

0:45

And I'm glad I didn't watch it. I

0:49

got all the games tape. I'm going to sit down

0:51

and now I can watch it knowing there's a happy

0:53

ending or the other way, knowing that there was a

0:56

sad ending. I could sit down and watch it and

0:58

not freak my fucking kids out. You

1:01

know, just go with like this fucking

1:03

NBA is fixed. I mean, it's all

1:05

fucking, they just won a game five.

1:09

I'm not doing that anymore. I'm

1:13

done with it. I'm fucking done with it. But

1:17

anyway, I definitely, even

1:20

just checking the score, I

1:23

would just check the score and I'd be like, fuck, you

1:26

know, or I'd be like, yes, I'd be all excited.

1:28

And then I'd see like they came back, you

1:30

know, um, the

1:33

hell was it on the, uh, in

1:35

game five when we were like up by like

1:38

24, then I saw it was down by

1:40

18. I was just like, I'm not, my buddy was

1:42

there in the house going, let's put it on. I

1:44

go, all right, put it on. But I have to leave

1:47

the fucking room. Like I

1:49

did. I, that's what I realized. I don't

1:51

have the emotional maturity to watch NBA basketball.

1:53

I just don't. I,

1:56

it's a game of runs. I don't understand

1:58

it. don't understand how

2:01

one team can't miss

2:03

and the other team can't fucking throw it

2:05

in the ocean and then on a dime

2:07

it just turns around and the

2:09

whole other team like heats up and

2:13

then the other team can't fucking hit anything. Don't

2:17

understand it. I don't understand it. You

2:23

know, I'm not putting myself through that

2:25

shit anymore. So anyway, but

2:30

hey, it's all the fucking haters out there.

2:32

We have the most NBA titles and we're

2:34

tied for the most fucking Super Bowls. All

2:38

right. We're not doing too shabby with World Series. We

2:41

got nine. I think the Cardinals

2:43

still have like the second

2:45

most with like 13 or whatever. So we're working

2:47

our way up there. Now

2:52

the Bruins, we got to get something done there. We only got

2:54

six. I mean, we only got four teams, you

2:57

know, that's what I always say.

2:59

You know, it was funny. I was with the New Yorker

3:01

the night we won it. How long do you think it

3:03

took him to bring up the fact that

3:06

the Yankees have fucking 27 championships? I

3:10

mean, they're fucking hilarious. They

3:12

jump sports. It's

3:15

like we're talking basketball here. We're

3:17

talking the New York Knicks or

3:20

the Brooklyn Nets, whoever you want to talk.

3:23

No, no. We're talking Yankees.

3:30

It's actually kind of fucking hilarious. I

3:36

don't even know what it is. It's like somebody who

3:38

has like one good story. So

3:41

they always got to fucking bring that up anyway.

3:44

But it was great

3:46

because it was brutal being fucking tied

3:48

with the Lakers and all that patchwork that

3:50

they did to get to fucking 17, which

3:53

is just complete horseshit. OK, you want to

3:55

take the fucking Minneapolis ones fine. But like

3:58

that one that you somehow count. that

4:00

was before the NBA even existed is

4:02

so fucking ridiculous and nobody questions it.

4:04

I can't imagine what the fuck would

4:07

happen. Can you imagine if

4:09

the Patriots counted a Super Bowl that

4:11

they won before they were in the NFL? Before

4:14

the Super Bowls? I don't see that thing

4:16

flying. But

4:19

anyway, I'll

4:22

give you a fuck. Just

4:25

happy for everybody on the team because all these fucking

4:27

assholes were starting to say, do you think the Celtics

4:29

are going to choke again? It's like, dude, they're a

4:31

young team. But

4:34

we went up against what LeBron and lost. We

4:36

went up against the Heat and lost. I

4:39

mean, the Heat are no slouch. They were fucking, you

4:43

know, great team with veterans and all of that. And I

4:45

don't know if you guys have noticed, it's like sort of

4:47

the old, usually

4:50

see older teams that win come playoff

4:52

time. That's what I find fascinating. You

4:56

know, come March, like in hockey

5:00

and basketball, all the older

5:02

teams, they kind of slow down and blah, blah, blah.

5:04

And you start thinking they're old and it's like, no,

5:06

they're saving. They're saving something

5:10

because they know how long whatever.

5:12

I mean, the fucking season ends.

5:15

It's really ridiculous that hockey and

5:20

NBA, it's two

5:22

months of playoffs.

5:26

Like the season's four months is they play like

5:29

another half a fucking season as far as time

5:31

anyway. Anyway, I

5:35

believe right or I'm wrong. This season isn't

5:37

four months, October, November, December, January, February, March,

5:40

six months. And

5:43

then they play two months. Sorry, Bill, that was a bad analogy. Whatever.

5:48

I wish I was watching that Edmonton Panthers

5:50

series. That sounds fucking unbelievable. Once

5:53

again, it seems like hockey is just showing

5:56

that when it comes to playoffs, I don't think there's

5:58

a better playoff out there. Then

6:03

the Stanley Cup playoff. I've

6:05

been trying to think football's had

6:07

its moments, obviously. Baseball's

6:09

pretty cool. Every year, hockey

6:13

seems to have these ridiculously exciting

6:15

games. I

6:17

got to go find that game five somewhere. That

6:19

guy in the Panthers, I don't know who it

6:21

was, who dove as the puck was going towards

6:23

the empty net and at the last

6:25

second, that looked like it was out of a fucking movie.

6:31

But Colonna McDavid and them are all woken

6:33

up, so I'm gonna fucking bandwagon and just

6:35

jump on right now. Because

6:39

no matter what the results, it's gonna be amazing.

6:41

It's either the Panthers get their first one or

6:44

Canada gets their

6:46

first one since 1993 and

6:49

Edmonton gets their first one since 1990. So

6:51

I mean they're in a fucking drought here.

6:54

34 years. So anyway,

6:57

that's my lame

7:00

sports take. Not really watching

7:04

anything as of yet because I've just been in

7:06

the bubble here getting ready for my next stand-up

7:08

special. Last night I

7:12

was at a... I

7:14

don't even know what the name of the venue was, but it's this older

7:17

place that looks still brand

7:19

new and Dean Del Rey's

7:21

opening up for me. He's like, dude,

7:23

I saw Ronnie James Dio here. I

7:25

saw Metallica here. The Rolling Stones played

7:27

here in 66. And

7:30

he starts going around and there's all these pictures

7:32

on the wall of all these incredible shows that

7:38

happened out here. And I

7:41

don't know, like the last couple times I played like

7:43

some more of like a symphony place. I

7:46

gotta be honest with you, whenever I go into a

7:48

place and it's a little too... let's see. I

7:53

don't know. It always just makes me feel like an

7:55

idiot or feel like I'm too crass to

7:58

be in there. There is something funny about

8:00

all of those fucking symphony halls. You

8:04

know, they all have to have like those bizarre

8:06

designs. They always

8:08

hire some fucking weirdo and the guy makes

8:11

a building that looks like a crumpled up

8:13

like Kleenex or something. And

8:15

everybody's, and first everybody hates it. And

8:18

then, you know, a couple of

8:20

people on PBS talk about the architectural

8:22

marvel of it. And then eventually you just,

8:25

it just becomes a place, well

8:27

before GPS it'd be a place to meet at. You

8:31

know, I'll meet you at the symphony and then we'll walk over

8:33

to the game, you know, just

8:35

cause somebody's from out of town. What,

8:37

what, what, what? Where,

8:40

you can't miss it. It's the ugliest

8:42

fucking building in downtown. All

8:44

right, just get. Ha ha

8:46

ha ha. Anyway,

8:52

so what's going on with me? Like

8:54

I'm not watching fucking sports even though

8:56

my team's in the finals and now

8:58

I'm watching golf. I was

9:01

like upset yesterday that I couldn't find golf

9:04

because I'm liking

9:06

that I just kind of root for everybody. You

9:11

know? These

9:14

fucking assholes jumping on Rory McElroy saying that

9:16

the guy choked and all of that. I

9:19

just, you know, you

9:21

should, in order to say that

9:24

another man choked, you should have

9:26

to immediately produce video or at

9:28

least three witnesses to say when

9:31

the fucking pressure was on, you

9:33

delivered. Ah,

9:36

dude, that guy's a choker. That team's a

9:38

choker. That guy can't win the big one.

9:41

Well, no one would know more

9:43

about not winning the big one than you, you

9:45

fat fuck. The amount

9:47

of fucking, I swear to

9:49

God, burger and

9:51

pizza eating fat fucks out there that

9:53

call like these professional athletes in the

9:55

prime of their fucking physical

9:59

condition. It's just fucking beyond

10:01

me. And then they always, they

10:03

always like, I just love how like, if

10:06

you're a fan or if you're a sports

10:08

reporter, you don't have to have any manners

10:11

whatsoever. You can just, oh well, you

10:13

know, he puts himself on the stage

10:15

and this is just how it goes.

10:20

But then, you know, they do anything. If

10:22

they fucking do something towards the crowd, remember

10:24

that guy mooned the crowd? Who

10:27

was that? I can't even remember. Randy, I

10:29

don't remember who it was. And then everybody was

10:32

just, oh, it's just, oh, how could

10:34

he? Well

10:37

they're yelling about his mother who

10:39

they don't even know if she's alive, if she's

10:41

sick, they have no fucking idea. Fuck

10:44

all of that. I want, you know

10:46

something? If you're a sports

10:48

fan and you listen to this podcast, you

10:50

routinely go around talking about how somebody's a

10:52

fucking choker. I want you to fucking write

10:54

in and tell me like,

10:57

on what level, when, where in your life

10:59

can you even compare that? How

11:03

about the fact that they don't fucking kill

11:06

somebody every time they tee off? You

11:10

know, they're sitting there and there's all of these

11:12

fucking idiots standing there looking like they're trying to

11:14

see when the subway's going to show up. By

11:19

the way, that has got to be the dumbest thing. All

11:24

of those people, the level of, the level of

11:26

faith that they have, that that

11:28

person's not going to slice and hook

11:31

one right into your fucking grill. I'm

11:34

going to look that at the end of this podcast. I'm going to look that

11:36

up. Somebody's had to have done it. How

11:40

do you block that out? I

11:45

saw that the Shambo guy, the guy was

11:47

in the fucking woods. He's got like four

11:49

trees in front of him and then a

11:51

bunch of fucking fat fucks with

11:54

silly hats on. You

11:57

know, the only thing he could do was hit it perfect.

12:00

or something was getting hit and he somehow did

12:02

it. Heh heh heh heh heh

12:04

heh heh. That'd

12:10

be actually a great, one

12:13

of those jackass type shows. We

12:16

have one of them line up with

12:18

the driver and then everybody, the rest of

12:20

the cast, has to line up and stand

12:22

in front of him like

12:25

he's a professional golfer. And

12:28

you gotta have your hands down and you

12:30

gotta be leaning slightly over at the waist,

12:32

looking right back at the ball, with nothing

12:35

protecting your face. Anyway,

12:40

so I'm up here in San

12:42

Jose and this is one

12:44

of these really cool fucking cities that I

12:46

keep rooting for to make like a comeback.

12:50

Like in my stand-up career, I've seen amazing

12:53

turnarounds in

12:55

cities. I

12:58

would say Pittsburgh's the first one

13:00

that comes to mind. I

13:03

remember staying in downtown Pittsburgh and

13:05

during the week, even during the week, it

13:07

was a fucking ghost town. And

13:10

it was like Three Rivers Stadium, was

13:15

the stadium they had there. I

13:17

was doing like a college gig. Every time I go

13:20

there too, I say I'm gonna take that stupid gondola

13:22

or whatever up that fucking hill and I've never done

13:24

it. And I used to stay down

13:26

there and it was just like people on drugs, homeless

13:28

people. You'd see a few people

13:31

go in and out of buildings, but the buildings were

13:33

like empty. And then like since then, they

13:37

built arguably the best baseball stadium in the league

13:39

as far as like the view that you have

13:41

of those bridges. It's

13:44

just a shame they have the terrible ownership and then

13:46

they built Heinz Fields and

13:48

then this whole tech thing came along

13:50

and revitalized the whole downtown area. Cleveland,

13:53

Ohio. I remember when

13:55

I used to play Hilarities out there. Nick

14:00

Kossis was the only guy... He

14:04

was the only game in town. Other than if

14:06

there was a game at the Jake or... Not

14:13

even Gund Arena because it was before

14:15

LeBron. That's how fucking long I've been

14:17

doing this shit, people. Before LeBron. We've

14:19

been playing so long. His kid's

14:21

gonna be in the league, which I'm trying

14:23

to think the last time I remember that

14:25

happening was probably Gordie Howe and his two

14:27

sons, Mark Howe, and I forget the other

14:29

one's name. And then there was... No,

14:33

wait, Ken Griffey, senior

14:35

and junior. And

14:39

did Barry and Bobby Bonds overlap?

14:41

I don't think they did. Anyway,

14:47

and I remember

14:49

standing outside of hilarity,

14:52

looking across the street at

14:54

this beautiful but vacant apartment

14:56

building, saying to whatever comedian that

14:58

I worked with, going like, you know, if I had

15:00

money, I would buy that building because

15:02

there's no fucking way this place is gonna

15:04

stay like this. And

15:09

I wasn't, like, predicting anything. It was just my

15:11

ignorance that I didn't realize it had been like

15:13

that for 30 years. I've

15:16

seen Detroit make a comeback. Cincinnati, downtown

15:19

Cincinnati used to be a ghost town.

15:21

That's coming back. San Jose

15:24

is the only one that I'm still seeing,

15:27

like, we landed here yesterday.

15:29

It was Wednesday. And

15:31

we're walking around with, like, where the fuck

15:33

is everybody? I

15:38

don't get it. It's a beautiful downtown area.

15:40

They got a nice little trolley. There's

15:44

got to be like an artsy section or whatever somewhere

15:47

around here. But

15:50

anyways, I always get like, you know, as long

15:52

as they're not just like building those glass towers

15:55

and then, like, people

15:57

are laundering money. That's the

15:59

worst thing. about fucking New York City right now.

16:04

It's such a great city. It's basically

16:06

the Paris of

16:09

the United States, as far as like if somebody

16:11

from another country is traveling here, like that's where

16:13

they wanna go. And

16:16

then they just got those awful fucking, look

16:20

like giant cigarettes, those stupid

16:23

fucking buildings. And

16:27

they're empty. There's nobody in them. Even

16:29

the ones that are bought, there's just like nobody in

16:31

them. I'm

16:34

not gonna lie to you, I do go on Zillow just to see

16:36

the fucking view. I mean, you can see

16:38

the curvature of the earth or

16:40

the ice wall if you're a flat

16:42

earther. I'm just... Ha ha ha ha

16:45

ha ha. Can a flat

16:47

earther please write in, explain to me the ice

16:49

wall? And

16:51

with global warming, or do you not believe in

16:53

that too? Like what's gonna happen to the ice

16:55

wall? And are the oceans gonna like drain

16:58

off, like

17:00

what, out into outer space? I

17:05

mean, I actually, to be honest with you, I mean, I don't understand a

17:07

lot of that stuff. I

17:10

don't know how air is light enough to

17:13

be air, but it doesn't float away from

17:15

the pull of gravity. Like at some point,

17:17

shouldn't it be leaking somewhere once

17:20

the air gets high enough up into the

17:22

atmosphere? No?

17:26

I don't know. But

17:29

it would be funny listening to me trying

17:31

to take this person down with no scientific

17:33

facts whatsoever. So

17:39

anyway, I got three more nights here.

17:42

Oh, one of these nights. I

17:46

gotta get my, today I'm gonna actually sit

17:49

down and make the set

17:51

list for my special. So I kind of,

17:53

you know, only because we're

17:56

gonna be editing the thing together. So I gotta kinda, cause

17:58

every night I kind of do it. any

22:00

sort of their own self-preservation

22:03

goes into the danger and

22:06

takes somebody out of it and saves them

22:10

with total disregard for

22:12

their own life. That's what a hero is. You

22:15

know, a

22:17

firefighter, cops,

22:21

salesmen.

22:24

I don't know, I ran out. Soldiers,

22:27

shit like that. It's not some

22:29

fucking shit joke comic

22:31

taking a handful of mushrooms going,

22:33

it's freaking me out, man.

22:40

Oh, are you a Navy SEAL? Oh

22:43

yeah, I'm a hero too. No,

22:45

I didn't serve. I took

22:47

a hero's dose of mushrooms. How

22:51

come you're not thanking me for my service? Anyway,

22:59

so I've

23:03

been working out. I don't know what the

23:05

fuck to do. I'm chomping at the bit

23:07

here. I am fucking, no,

23:09

that's not it. Not the bit. What

23:11

is it called? Chomping at the something. It's

23:14

a horse thing. I looked it up. I already forget how

23:16

to say it. Champing,

23:20

champing at the bit. Not

23:23

chomping, champing at the bit. Some

23:26

horse thing. I guess

23:29

they don't, do they not have molars by the way?

23:34

You know what's funny is when somebody has

23:36

big teeth, they say they have horse teeth.

23:38

But then a lot of times you'll see

23:41

somebody and they're clearly missing all their teeth

23:43

upper and lower from behind their canines. That

23:47

person has horse teeth. Just

23:53

to clarify. All right, people,

23:56

let's try to be accurate with

23:59

our insults. Um, I

24:02

did, uh, I did my yoga yesterday.

24:07

What is going on with me? I'm watching

24:09

golf. I'm doing yoga. I need

24:11

to do mushrooms to check in with myself. I

24:13

think, you know what? I think

24:15

old Billy's finally letting go of all of

24:17

this fucking bullshit. Um, and

24:21

I gotta be honest with you. Uh, I'm excited

24:23

not to be an angry bastard anymore, but

24:25

then also, um, I'm

24:29

excited for my wife because she doesn't have to

24:31

deal with that anymore. And then the

24:33

vindictive side of me is I just really want

24:35

to see, it's like, what are you going to

24:37

bitch about next? If

24:40

I'm not fucking angry, like what, what

24:42

is the problem going to be? You know, I was

24:46

a little grumpy last night because she wanted me,

24:48

wanted me to watch the next episode of that

24:50

reindeer, baby reindeer, whatever the fuck

24:53

it's called. It's the most simple,

24:55

this fucking name. And I can't remember what the adjective is.

24:58

Uh, baby reindeer, right? I

25:00

think that's what it's called. And, um, she

25:05

watched, we had two left and she watched the second

25:08

to last one. She goes, you gotta, you gotta watch

25:10

it. And I go, I can't figure out what my

25:12

fucking password is for

25:15

Netflix. And I, I filled the thing in.

25:17

They said, you know, give us

25:19

an email. We'll send you the password. And it's

25:21

the email I used to sign up on it.

25:24

And they like, we can't send one to that.

25:27

So I don't know. I

25:30

don't know what to do there. Uh, but

25:33

I've, I've watched like however many episodes

25:35

there are, I've watched everyone, but like,

25:37

uh, the last two, um,

25:42

fantastic show and,

25:45

uh, the hell was

25:47

my point? Was

25:51

it letting go of the anger? Yeah,

25:56

I don't know what it was. You know what?

25:58

When you get to be my age, every once in a while.

26:00

You just start talking and then you're just like what the hell

26:02

am I talking about now for you

26:04

people maybe you people? meaning

26:07

podcast listeners Before

26:09

I get in trouble You

26:14

know you're probably thinking that I've been doing that all along

26:18

right I Have

26:21

no idea all I know is I'm gonna hit the gym The

26:24

easiest day the easiest day for any guy

26:26

to go to a gym is upper body All

26:29

right, it takes a real man to do your legs Anybody

26:32

can go in there and do some curls Do

26:35

some fucking nose crunches nose breakers

26:37

whatever you call them Do

26:40

your chest completely ignore your back so

26:42

your fucking shoulders bow around and you

26:44

eventually have rotator cuff problems Anybody

26:46

can do that it takes a real

26:48

fucking man To

26:52

get in there and work out like a woman Women

26:54

are always doing their lower right because that's

26:57

where they put their weight on right so

26:59

if they do the the squatty's and the

27:01

fucking Lunges and the fire hydrants

27:03

and all of that stuff You

27:06

know because they don't want the lumps and the bumps there right

27:09

downstairs And

27:13

guys we're all about walking around like guy

27:15

go get this big chicks are gonna like

27:17

me nobody's gonna fuck with me and

27:20

then we have like the You

27:24

know for legs we got a couple of

27:26

tweezers a couple of fucking toothpicks I'll

27:28

tell you no matter how many squats I do and

27:31

all of that I can't get I can't get my

27:33

my my thighs say my quads don't get any bigger

27:36

They don't But

27:40

they definitely get stronger I've come to accept

27:42

that I basically you know I've said for

27:44

a long time Me

27:47

naked turned sideways. I have the

27:49

exact same body as the pink

27:51

panther I You

27:56

look the pink panther he doesn't really have

27:58

any brawn, but you know he could He

28:00

could bang out some pull-ups. He's wiry. I

28:06

don't know, I thought I was getting in good shape.

28:08

I was doing yoga yesterday with no shirt on, and

28:10

there's just no secrets at that point. And in the

28:12

end of it, you bring your legs up, and then

28:15

you're supposed to go over your head and have your

28:17

toes touch the ground behind you, which

28:19

I can't fucking do. But Jesus

28:21

Christ, my stomach and

28:23

all my mistakes were just staring me right

28:25

in the fucking face. My stomach was like

28:27

those fucking people watching a guy on the

28:29

PG-AT and off. And

28:33

I was just like, I thought I had

28:35

five pounds to go. This looks like, good

28:37

Lord. Old Billy

28:40

Ribeye here. Steak's a

28:42

little too fatty there. It's gonna

28:44

be a lot of flavor. I'll tell you,

28:46

if a plane goes down, right, and I

28:48

die, and I'm fucking, I'm gonna be a

28:50

very flavorful son

28:52

of a bitch to fucking, to

28:55

throw on the grill. I will tell you, that flame

28:57

will become higher. You'll probably get rescued when you put

28:59

my stomach on it. I'm gonna.

29:04

Anyway, oh, lastly but not

29:06

leastly, rest in

29:08

peace, the say

29:11

hey kid Willie Mays. They

29:15

were talking about him last night on part

29:18

in the interruption, and I didn't realize that

29:20

he lost two years of

29:23

his plane career due to military service, I'm

29:25

assuming that was Korea, and

29:29

had he played, because those were two prime years,

29:32

if you just, what he was averaging then, he

29:34

would have had more home runs than

29:37

Babe Ruth. I

29:39

mean, he had like what, like 660, and

29:42

Ruth had what was it, 713, so he was right there, 53

29:47

away, but

29:50

just all these incredible stories about

29:54

the amount of gold gloves that he

29:56

won, the amount of home runs, the

29:58

greatest base run. of all

30:00

time, how

30:05

long he played, how late in his

30:07

career he was still winning those awards

30:09

and putting up crazy numbers. It was

30:11

just, it was amazing.

30:14

I unfortunately was, by

30:16

the time I started watching baseball, he had been retired,

30:18

I think he retired in like 71, 72, somewhere

30:22

around there. I didn't really start. The

30:25

first thing I remember about baseball

30:30

was the 75 World Series

30:32

and my dad screaming at the TV.

30:34

Gee, I wonder where I got it.

30:37

Yeah, we

30:42

still imitate my dad. My

30:45

dad was fucking hilarious in the 1986 World Series. Whoever was

30:50

starting for the Red Sox, the second they

30:52

threw one ball or two balls in a

30:55

row, he'd start screaming, pull them,

30:57

pull them. Like no understanding of like

30:59

how many innings this guy has to

31:01

eat up, the bullpen and all of

31:03

that. And we tried to explain it to him being like,

31:05

well, dad, they took them out now. You're going to wear

31:07

out your bullpen for the rest of his hair. I don't

31:09

give a shit. I don't

31:12

give a shit. Christ, he's, that's another one.

31:14

Christ, he's all over that fucking map.

31:16

Just completely losing

31:19

his fucking mind. And

31:21

he used to do that thing where like he

31:24

thought the way he was sitting in the chair was

31:26

going to make, I still remember he was sitting in this,

31:28

the ugliest fucking chair you've ever seen in your life. It

31:31

was from his dental office in the 1970s. It was made

31:34

out of that wood. You know that wood you

31:37

ever like get arraigned for something in court, you

31:39

know, like how heavy those tables and chairs are.

31:41

It was that kind of wood. And

31:44

I really think they have that shit. So, you

31:46

know, most people can't pick it up and throw

31:49

it. But

31:52

anyway, it's like earthquake level furniture. So

31:54

he would sit in there and it

31:56

had this just brutal, like

31:59

floral pattern. other

34:01

than yeah go to go back to the 40s of the 1920s was the last time

34:03

we went an

34:06

entire decade where we didn't win at least one

34:08

championship in the four major sports. I mean it's

34:10

pretty fucking you gotta

34:13

respect that huh? I don't care if you do or not.

34:15

I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Alright

34:17

congratulations to the Celtics. That's

34:20

it. Go fuck yourselves. Have

34:22

a great weekend. You cunts and enjoy the

34:24

music picked out by the wonderful Andrew Themless

34:26

and we have a bonus episode of the

34:28

Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast.

35:01

Hey

35:10

what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's

35:12

time for the Monday Morning Podcast for

35:14

Monday June 20th

35:17

2016. What's going on? How

35:19

are you? How are

35:21

you doing you cunts? You

35:24

notice sounds a little weird. I'm in

35:27

a hotel in Baltimore Baltimore Baltimore.

35:31

I can't say that

35:33

because I've watched Scarface so many fucking times I

35:35

can't watch I can't say Baltimore without picture and

35:38

fucking you know Tony Munn. Is

35:41

that fucking AC coming back on again? How many fucking

35:43

times I got a hit off? Oh

35:46

Jesus fucking Christ. There's

35:49

a fucking button on here literally just says off

35:51

off there we go off

35:54

shut off please shut off

35:56

thank you fuck

35:58

sakes I'm sorry. Anyway,

36:01

so believe it or not, I'm doing this because

36:04

I'm flying back to LA as you're listening to

36:06

this. And so sad

36:08

to say, I haven't watched the

36:10

fucking NBA finals yet. But

36:13

I do promise you if Cleveland wins, then I

36:15

will do something. I

36:18

got to do something special or something because

36:21

who's kidding? No, the Warriors already won it. Right?

36:24

If they repeat, fuck, sorry, I

36:26

held it too closely. If they repeat, then it's going to

36:29

be like, all right, can they three-peat? So next year

36:31

I feel like is their big thing so that they can

36:33

go down with all the teams that have won three

36:35

in a row. So this year is sort of like, you

36:37

know, you know,

36:39

it's not as exciting. I'm

36:41

sure Warrior fans, who gives a fuck, I'd

36:43

love to see LeBron do it, you know,

36:46

after everybody gave him shit for the way

36:48

he left, which they should have. Because like

36:50

I said, he gave everybody fucking, you know,

36:52

sports blue balls, like maybe I'll go here,

36:54

maybe I'll go there. Who

36:56

wants to buy me a drink? Yeah. He

36:59

was being very cunty. And then he

37:01

went to fucking Miami. Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened

37:03

to her? I could have the TV not

37:05

on in the background. Good

37:08

Lord, getting old is the worst. I just saw some

37:10

woman, she had her fucking head. You ever see like

37:12

when a dog gets confused and cocks her head? Like

37:14

her head was just like that. What

37:18

is that called? What is that from? How do you

37:20

avoid that? Is there fucking alternate neck exercises you can

37:22

do on the other side of your fucking head so

37:24

that doesn't happen to you? It's

37:27

so fucking weird. Why can't you just like, you

37:29

know, why

37:33

can't death just be like the old right there

37:35

friend? You know what I mean? Why does it

37:37

have to be just like this slow fucking dissension

37:40

into like God knows what the

37:42

older I get, the more frightening that is. When

37:45

you were younger, you're just like Jesus, that old

37:47

fuck what happened to them? And me, I'm looking

37:49

at it now going like, you know, in the

37:51

next 20 fucking years, you know, I

37:54

better start eating better. Jesus

37:57

Christ, I'm off the rails of my fucking diet.

37:59

Does anything make you feel better? fatter than eating

38:01

room service in your bed in

38:03

a fucking hotel. Just eating in your bed in general.

38:05

Nothing makes you feel fatter than eating in a bed,

38:08

you know. Just fucking sitting there getting crumbs in your

38:11

sheets and shit and you're trying to scrape

38:13

it off onto the floor. You

38:15

just feel like a fucking animal. You're like laying on

38:17

you. I was like literally on my side. I'm

38:20

in Maryland so I got some sort of crab cake

38:22

sandwich and of course it sucked because I got it

38:24

at the hotel instead of the spot to get it

38:26

at, right. And I'm on my fucking side and I'm

38:28

eating the fries. I'm literally sitting there like that fucking

38:30

lifeguard. You know when he got

38:33

shitfaced and he was eating the burger and

38:35

everybody laughed at him, Hasselhoff, everybody was laughing at

38:37

him. Like it was fucking nuts to me. It's

38:39

like, like dude, what you never did that? You

38:43

never just been laying on your floor hammered

38:46

eating a fucking burger. You should try it

38:48

sometimes. The food is delicious. It takes it

38:50

to a whole other level. You're so fucking

38:52

psyched and so appreciative of

38:55

the goddamn food. You know, if you

38:57

want some, I advocate everybody doing that

38:59

this week. Get fucking hammered. Order a

39:01

burger. Lay on your floor. Just start

39:04

talking shit in honor of

39:06

Father's Day while your daughter

39:08

films you. I think that's the

39:10

way to go. People already texted

39:12

me, are you watching the game

39:14

anywhere tonight? No, fucking working. Actually

39:17

somebody tweeted at me going, what's with your

39:19

agent? Why the hell

39:22

would your agent book a show, you

39:24

know, when there's game

39:26

seven of the NBA Finals? It's like, hey,

39:28

stupid. Like it's not like we booked it

39:31

after game six. This thing's

39:34

been on the books for months. We had no fucking idea.

39:36

I didn't know. So

39:40

anyways, I really want to see,

39:43

I love the Warriors man by the way, you

39:45

know. I have no beef with those guys but

39:47

it's just as a sports fan, when I don't

39:49

have a dog in the fight, it would just

39:51

be great to see LeBron after all the shit

39:53

he got and all those sad, sad Cleveland fans

39:55

burned his jersey, standing there in

39:57

their fucking cargo shorts, right? Burning

40:00

the jersey. Yeah, what people filmed it

40:02

so fucking stupid. That is so stupid

40:05

I'm not singling out Cleveland

40:07

Cavalier fans but when people just take

40:09

sports to that level like when Lane

40:11

Kiffin left fucking Tennessee and There

40:15

was that one guy going let me tell you

40:17

something you fucking piece of shit Lane Kiffin. You

40:19

gonna fucking leave here You're

40:21

gonna leave here like Tennessee's it We

40:25

ain't no stepping stone to USC

40:27

we're fucking we're a

40:29

fucking destination School is what

40:31

I think a fucking lane fucking Kiffin

40:34

and I don't know what he had He had some

40:36

lane Kiffin something or like a program and he fucking

40:38

peed on it a Grown

40:41

man filmed himself peeing on that program. It's

40:43

like dude someday. You're gonna have kids the

40:45

fuck is wrong with you I

40:48

don't give a fuck but fucking kids. I

40:50

am right there. They're little dicks out paying

40:52

right with me. I Don't

40:57

take it to that fucking level or whatever so

40:59

I always thought it was stupid You

41:01

know, this is something like really like medieval about like

41:04

it looks like you're at a book burning or something

41:06

when you sit there burning a jersey You

41:09

know what I mean? It's like is Jesus gonna come

41:11

down the street with his crossneck next thing you start

41:13

yelling crucify him It's you know

41:15

at the end of the fucking day, you know

41:17

who gives a shit if you had the fucking options

41:20

Cleveland fans. All right of

41:23

staying in miserable downtown Cleveland

41:25

with all those miserable fucking

41:27

fans I'm going to Miami Beach

41:29

with some of the hottest fucking ass that has

41:31

ever been fucking grace the earth You

41:35

know beautiful fucking weather right you buy a

41:37

hurricane-proof house I don't know what the fuck

41:39

that looks like But God knows if anybody

41:41

had the money it'd be a fucking professional

41:43

athlete You know Course

41:47

you would go down there. You went

41:49

a couple two three what he went three down there Right

41:53

four or five. Yes, six guys six files in

41:55

a row and he come back to Cleveland. All

41:57

right, you fucking snowed in cunts Hey, we're here

41:59

go and I'm gonna say I'm gonna go big

42:01

air on this one right now. I

42:04

say if

42:06

LeBron, if

42:09

LeBron fucking leads

42:12

the Cleveland Cavaliers to

42:14

the championship tonight, tonight,

42:17

tonight, game seven, seven, seven,

42:19

seven, yeah. In

42:22

my mind, he passes Kobe Bryant. All

42:26

right, I'm just pausing right now. Oh, what the

42:28

fuck? Everybody's gonna say all that shit. I just

42:30

feel like the

42:32

level of leadership that he would have to show in

42:36

order to do that, you know what I mean?

42:38

Compared to the teams that Kobe played on where

42:40

he had all this fucking help, you

42:42

know what I mean? Because I feel like LeBron's

42:45

already done the Kobe championship where you piled on

42:47

with Shaq and all that fucking shit. He went

42:49

down there with Dwayne Wade and all those guys.

42:51

But to go to the middle of fucking nowhere,

42:54

as far as sports goes, and lead a

42:56

fucking sad sack fucking

42:58

city, sad sack city

43:01

out of the fucking, their cursed

43:04

lack of championships is

43:08

a way bigger accomplishment than any of Kobe's

43:10

five that he had. You

43:12

know, my big beef with him is if

43:15

Phil Jackson wasn't the coach and

43:17

he didn't have major free agent signings

43:19

there, they immediately became a 500 team

43:21

with Kobe scoring 40 points a night.

43:24

You know, just being like, well, I got

43:26

my stats, you guys suck. And then he just would walk

43:28

off the court. I don't know. I

43:33

would in my sports mind,

43:35

my unathletic comedic sports mind,

43:37

I put that with like, just watching like the

43:40

Pistons walking off the court when the fucking Bulls

43:42

finally beat him. There's just something fucking wrong about

43:44

that. Walking off the

43:46

fucking court. What are you fucking share?

43:54

Did she have a walk off the court? Did she walk

43:56

off a battleship ever when she didn't think the sound was

43:58

right? I have no fucking idea. Anyways,

44:02

plowing ahead here. Had

44:05

an amazing fucking time. I did Newark,

44:07

New Jersey, performance

44:09

at Santa, whatever the hell they called it, had some

44:12

great shows. And then last night I

44:14

played this, some fucking place in,

44:17

I don't know why I don't know the names on this runt. Hang

44:22

on a second, typing in the password, one fucking

44:24

word, letter at a time. I

44:26

played this place last night and

44:29

it was the same venue where Mike

44:31

Tyson knocked out fucking Michael

44:33

Spinks. Now granted,

44:35

you know, the way

44:37

they sat it when he, it's not like I sold the same

44:39

amount of tickets, believe me. They

44:42

can seat it in all these different ways. So they

44:44

sat it more for a comedy show, but when he

44:47

fucking did it, it was like right now, Arturo Gotti

44:49

fought there. All these amazing boxing matches had

44:53

been there. And if you went in there, man, I literally

44:55

felt like I was in

44:57

Citizen Kane. I gotta get you guys

44:59

the name of this fucking place. One of the more amazing

45:01

places I've ever gotten to walk into. I had this old

45:03

fucking, this

45:06

old organ there and shit. Is it still gonna be on

45:08

my website or no? Ah,

45:11

for fuck's sakes, Bill. Bill

45:13

Berv. Just

45:17

wrote Bill Budd, fucking dope. Atlantic

45:20

City, let's see, let's see, let's see. Something,

45:23

something ballroom. Coming

45:26

in Vince. You

45:28

know, you fucking, how fucking, it just

45:30

disappears? It's unbelievable, you kicked in

45:32

the balls that fucking lives forever on the internet.

45:36

Fucking one goddamn day later, I can't find it,

45:38

whatever. Atlantic. I'll

45:41

tell you, if you ever wanna make a zillion

45:43

dollars in Atlantic City, open up a tattoo removal,

45:47

fucking tattoo removal store, whatever you call it, service,

45:50

Jesus Christ. Those were some of the worst fucking

45:52

tattoos I've ever seen in my life. What

45:57

the fuck is the name of the venue, you cunt?

45:59

This is what I do and I can't figure it

46:01

out. Just start Atlantic City,

46:03

Boardwalk Hall. And

46:07

actually, you know, my back has been way better,

46:09

but just riding in a car, I don't know

46:11

what it is. It just fucks with my leg.

46:14

The nerve starts acting up again. But

46:16

I'm like 85% of the way back. I'm

46:19

really psyched. So I

46:21

didn't want to deal with driving that two hour

46:23

thing down the turnpike. So

46:27

I actually, for once, blew a

46:29

little bit of cash. And I

46:32

took a helicopter ride down from the fucking

46:34

west side of Manhattan down to

46:36

Atlantic City. It was the shit. I flew in an A-Star. Got

46:40

to sit up right next to the pilot. I didn't get

46:42

one of the seats in the back, which was cool. I

46:44

bought a ticket and piled on this thing, some other people

46:47

going down there. And it was

46:50

some fucking shit, man. He

46:52

came out. I was always terrified of being like, oh, man,

46:54

I don't know if I would want to fly. I

46:58

still wouldn't. I would never fly around Manhattan without

47:00

an instructor, because there's just so much fucking traffic.

47:02

But you just go out over the Hudson, and

47:04

just like you're driving down the street, you just

47:06

get on the right side. I couldn't look over

47:08

and see his gauges to see what altitude we

47:11

were flying at. But we went right down to

47:13

Hudson River by

47:16

the Freedom Tower and all that stuff. And

47:18

then we got to the other side. Not

47:21

the other side. We got the south side, and there's the Statue of

47:25

Liberty's right there, Ellis Island. And

47:28

then we went right over the Verrazano Bridge, and there's no

47:30

way to fucking go over that thing and

47:33

not think of fucking Saturday Night Fever. You

47:36

know when that fucking guy, Bobby, whatever

47:38

his fucking name is, tries to do the headstand. Look

47:40

at me, I'm like you guys. Look

47:43

at me, they're like, Bobby, don't fucking

47:45

do it, Bobby. Him

47:48

and his polyester suit.

47:51

Just go all the way down

47:53

to the fucking bottom, man. It's

47:55

just fucking unbelievable. I remember that fucking scene

47:57

scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. you

48:00

know, just his fucking afro and his fucking

48:02

big collar, you know. It's

48:06

almost like if he went in headfirst, he would have been

48:08

fine. Or actually maybe it would absorb too much water and

48:10

he'd hit the bottom. I have no idea. But anyways, we

48:12

went over that. Then we went over

48:14

Red Bank, New Jersey, made a right, went

48:16

right down the coast, went by Asbury Park,

48:18

saw the Falcon Jersey, show me. And it

48:20

actually made me think like, I can't believe

48:22

I never went to either one of those

48:24

places. Went down to

48:27

Atlantic City, then we had a great time

48:29

down there. And tonight I'm in Baltimore. So

48:31

that's basically it. But

48:33

fucking underrated, underrated.

48:36

Being in Manhattan, blowing a little bit of

48:38

cash, piling onto a fucking helicopter

48:40

with a few other fucking passengers, getting the

48:42

last seat and fucking

48:45

flying by that amazing skyline, man. It was

48:47

the shit. It was the shit.

48:49

And I finally got to ride in an A-Star and

48:52

it was way less intimidating than

48:54

I thought it was going to be. I thought when I

48:56

looked at the cockpit, all the gauges and everything, brandy, they

48:58

were analog. I don't like that digital shit. I

49:00

fucking hate that stuff. I don't trust it. I

49:03

don't like it. I'm not a technology guy. I

49:05

like when everything looks like a fucking weird clock.

49:08

Then I feel like I can read it. I don't, I don't

49:10

like all that type of shit. So anyways,

49:14

how many minutes am I up to here? I

49:16

would do the advertising. I just don't know if

49:18

it's coming yet. Okay.

49:21

So after

49:23

I do my show here tonight

49:25

in beautiful fucking Baltimore, Baltimore, I'm

49:29

flying, this is my fucking day. I'm flying out to

49:31

LA. I go right into

49:33

the writer's room. And after that I'm doing a,

49:35

I'm doing a benefit that's really important to me.

49:39

Great friend of mine, Bobby Slayton, unfortunately, his wife

49:41

passed away a few months ago and

49:44

we're doing a benefit in memory of her

49:46

at the Saban theater in Beverly

49:48

Hills. And the

49:51

fucking lineup is ridiculous. Arsenio

49:53

Hall is hosting and

49:55

there's a few other up and coming comics you might've

49:57

heard of like, I don't know, Ray Romano. Dana

50:00

Carvey John Lovett's Brian Regan

50:02

Bob Saget and I'll be

50:06

fucking pulling up the rear there Low

50:09

man on the totem pole in that show would definitely be

50:11

me I'm a

50:14

huge fan of all of those guys. So I can't believe

50:16

I'm gonna get to work with them. Unfortunately, it's a it's

50:19

not the greatest reasons why we're doing it, but we

50:21

love Bobby and It's

50:24

a great benefit. There are a few tickets left it's gonna

50:26

be a crazy show and I have a feeling all those

50:28

guys are gonna be fucking with each other because they know

50:30

each other for so long and I

50:32

want to be like Beyond

50:34

a fanboy that night and then

50:36

then after that I go home and then I go right on

50:39

a fucking plane I have to go back to New York because

50:41

I got to work with some actors to

50:44

do some voiceovers We're

50:46

up to episode 8 everybody. No recording episode

50:48

7, huh? Dog

50:51

days is summer. We're coming

50:53

around. We're coming around so

50:55

fucking psyched We're up

50:57

to episode 7. We're gonna do the

50:59

table reef episode 8. We'll record the

51:01

table the fucking episode Next

51:06

week hey, you know, I just realized you

51:08

know be cool if this if one of you guys out there

51:10

wanted to come to a table read I got to figure out

51:13

how to do a Some

51:15

sort of contest or something maybe bringing in for

51:17

episode 10 whenever we record

51:19

that I don't know why

51:21

the fuck I never thought to do that, you know, it's funny.

51:23

I don't even invite my wife to him I'm so busy like

51:25

poring over the script making sure you

51:27

know, I don't fuck up the jokes at the table

51:30

read but You

51:33

know what I'm gonna figure out how to do

51:35

that and I'm promising you right now by next

51:37

Thursday Thursday's podcast will have something set up for

51:39

that I think that'd be a really

51:41

cool thing if you're into the show if you're not into

51:43

the show Then you probably like well, hey, Bill, maybe I

51:45

just want to go get a fucking cheese stick or some

51:47

shit cheese steak. Sorry Anyways,

51:51

let me Put up study want

51:53

to talk about here. This is usually where I do

51:55

the fucking advertising. I guess I can't this week Oh

52:00

Formula One racing Huh

52:03

the European Grand Prix over

52:05

there I

52:07

actually didn't get a chance to watch that because I stayed

52:09

out too late, but I did tape it but

52:11

spoiler alert spoiler alert

52:15

Nico Rosberg fucking Nico

52:18

Nico Rosberg he won his fifth fucking

52:20

race right one two three four five.

52:23

He's won five of them He's the

52:25

points leader. He said he's

52:27

with the German team and

52:30

he's Just funny Rosberg.

52:32

You know what I mean? It's about time. They fucking

52:34

made up for it had a Jewish guy drive for

52:36

them You know I'm a

52:38

novice Jewish or anything, but he also drives

52:40

for Mercedes So I always root for Germany

52:42

and Mercedes because I've

52:45

never done a background check But I think I'm mostly

52:47

German just based on what my

52:49

parents have told me But

52:53

oh my god, I saw the pictures of it to

52:55

just driving through this beautiful fucking city I don't know

52:57

where the fuck I've been for so

53:00

goddamn long when it comes to formula one now

53:02

Of course me because I'm a psycho somebody told

53:04

me about the fucking you

53:06

know, basically the former formula one

53:08

of motorcycle racing I

53:10

don't know why I'm not watching that I sit there

53:13

and I flip out where I love all these fucking

53:15

crazy contact sports Right, you know

53:18

I like rugby Australian rules football and this fucking

53:20

Mad max shit that people have been showing me

53:22

lately where it's sort of rugby sort of soccer

53:24

and after somebody scores You can punch them in

53:26

the face. I don't know what the fuck that

53:28

is it's like football

53:32

soccer rugby and bullying

53:35

all at the same fucking time man It's just I

53:38

don't know about that sports, you know The only

53:40

thing was missing was just to have a couple

53:42

of bulls run in there and just start fucking

53:44

trampling people But

53:48

anyways Let

53:51

me shut this fucking TV off. This is really fucking with my

53:53

brain here I

53:56

don't know why if I liked all that type of shit

53:58

why watching somebody ride a motorcycle 200

54:00

fucking miles an hour. It's

54:04

absolutely incredible. You know what is amazing to

54:06

me is these guys are so good that

54:08

when they go down, they don't die somehow.

54:11

You think they, I mean, not saying people don't die,

54:13

but you'd think they would die every fucking time.

54:16

You know what I mean? The

54:18

fact that you can wear a fucking suit that

54:22

is so goddamn strong, you can go 200 miles an hour and

54:26

you can fall off your fucking bike and

54:28

it just doesn't, like, what should happen there

54:31

is like after fucking

54:33

two seconds of skidding on the asphalt

54:35

at 200 miles an hour, immediately

54:37

you should just see the guy's ass.

54:39

His bare ass should be there. And

54:41

then you just see, it looks

54:43

like steak and then it would look like bones. And

54:46

then that would just be it. And the guy would

54:48

be dead. You would think that that would happen every

54:50

time. And these fucking guys just slide in these goddamn

54:52

suits. They're incredible.

54:55

Not saying people don't die, but I

54:59

think this is sort of my next thing, man. Cause like,

55:02

what's funny this time of year, when

55:04

hockey ends and basketball ends, everybody's a

55:06

football fan, you know, pixie

55:09

the hockey or hoop for the most part. All

55:11

right, very few go hockey and then wait and go

55:13

baseball. I only know a couple of guys like that.

55:15

So people go hockey or fucking hoop. And

55:19

people who watch hockey don't watch hoop. People who watch

55:21

hoop don't fucking watch hockey. They have nothing in common

55:24

with each other. And the only thing

55:26

that they have in common with each other other

55:28

than their love of football is the sheer fucking

55:30

panic of the day after

55:32

the game seven or your final or your

55:34

finals, when that's over. And you're like, holy

55:36

fuck. What

55:39

am I gonna do now for the next two and a half

55:41

fucking months as I wait

55:43

for the NFL regular season to start? And

55:45

I'm not shitting on baseball. Cause I love

55:47

baseball. I just, the

55:49

fucking dog days of summer, I can't stand like, you

55:51

know, who the fuck wants to go out to the

55:54

ballpark? It's like fucking a hundred degrees out. You

55:57

know who does diehards? I guess I'm not a

55:59

diehard baseball. But I love it. I

56:01

love it in October. So I needed

56:03

a sport and Formula

56:05

one dude, I'm telling you like the

56:08

race today was it was only like something like 50

56:10

something laps You can really just sit

56:12

down and they bang it out in a couple of hours, you

56:15

know You get to learn about other fucking cities, you

56:18

know half of them they go to you like shit I'd

56:20

like to go there get all those

56:22

people hanging out Calling

56:24

it right now at some point. I'm gonna hit a fucking

56:26

country when they have a formula one

56:28

race There's actually one here. It says the United States It

56:31

says United States Grand Prix for the life of

56:33

me I think it's in Austin, Texas, which

56:36

is really disappointing to me that

56:38

that's where they're gonna fucking have it You

56:40

know, I mean why the fuck is it in Austin, Texas?

56:43

They should have that thing in like Chicago Chicago

56:45

should have a formula one fucking Race,

56:48

that's a cool ass fucking city You

56:51

know fucking zipping over the rivers at one

56:53

point only one car could make out they

56:55

probably kill each other I

56:59

don't know what the track looks like in Austin, but all I

57:01

know is Austin is a

57:03

great city once you're in it trying to get

57:05

to it with that fucking traffic is an absolute

57:07

goddamn nightmare. So Anyways,

57:10

I guess this is a place here where I would actually

57:12

pause Right and I

57:14

would do some sort of advertising I'm

57:18

just gonna say this so I can edit it in

57:20

later. We're gonna pause here right now a little

57:23

bit of Advertising where

57:25

the fuck is my reads? Come

57:28

on, give me the reads. Give me the reads. Ah You

57:31

cunt. All right, but you know what? It doesn't

57:33

matter you guys because this is not gonna be in real time for

57:36

you. So oh My god,

57:38

does this podcast suck as bad as it sounds in my

57:40

fucking head right now? You

57:43

know, I was gonna say about Baltimore every time I

57:46

go to the Baltimore the Baltimore I

57:48

always think about the wire and I

57:50

was gonna go remember the wire and then I was gonna go boo boo

57:52

boo boo boo Which is for

57:54

law and order? I Can't

57:56

even remember how the fucking song went Remember

58:00

the song in the end, the guy was screaming up, but

58:02

as you can tell, I'm kind of losing my fucking voice

58:04

with the voiceover shit and screaming about

58:06

my dick here on stage. But

58:08

you know what I'm psyched about? It's my fucking act is

58:10

coming together and I'm getting ready to do another special. I

58:13

think I'm gonna do it in October. And

58:15

all I gotta do is just get through these last

58:17

three fucking episodes, okay? Give

58:19

100% on that shit and then that's it. Then

58:22

all of a sudden, it's old Billy fucking flank

58:25

steak. Remember when I said I wasn't

58:27

gonna drink, you know? I fucked

58:29

up on Thursday, Friday,

58:31

and Saturday, okay? But I was

58:33

great Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday,

58:36

right? So when I get back, I'm

58:38

going back to not drinking. I gotta get back off this,

58:40

but I just, I don't know what happened. You

58:43

know, I fucking, I don't know

58:46

what happened. You know what happened? I went on the fucking road. That's

58:49

what happened. I went to New York and I met up with some

58:51

fucking friends and they're like, hey, let's go to this fucking bar. And

58:53

then you know, it's like one of these wine bars, you

58:56

know? So you don't feel like

58:58

you're drinking. So I showed up, you know,

59:00

another buddy of mine. It's

59:02

fucking comic. I'm not gonna say, I don't wanna name any names,

59:04

but this guy's fucking hilarious and he comes in and

59:08

it was hilarious. Verzi called him out. He

59:10

just goes like, cause he showed up

59:13

and, I know what you're saying, but why did you go to

59:15

a wine bar? Because there were ladies there and

59:18

that's what they fucking picked, right? So they're like, all right,

59:20

we'll fucking go there. So he

59:23

shows up and I immediately go, dude, it's

59:26

a wine bar. I don't, cause he wanted a

59:28

beer and a shot and his face fucking dropped

59:30

and Verzi called out. He goes, dude, the level

59:32

of fucking disappointment on your face. And

59:34

then we found out that they had beer and

59:36

they did have a shop, but it was just,

59:38

you know, this foofy place. So the

59:40

dude goes, he go, can I get some drink? He goes,

59:42

yeah, can I just get a Bud Light? And

59:46

the guy's like, yeah, no, we don't have Bud

59:48

Light. We have, we have, whatever

59:50

the fuck it is, some Italian beer. And

59:52

he goes, guy's like, oh,

59:54

what? He's like, and he just goes, is that? a

1:00:00

beer?" And the guy goes, yeah. And he goes, all right,

1:00:02

I'll have one of those. And

1:00:04

I don't know what happened. Then we started doing

1:00:06

tequila shots and the whole fucking thing went off

1:00:08

the rails. And I'm a fat fuck and I

1:00:10

don't like myself right now. There, I said it.

1:00:12

I'm fucking in a hotel room in Baltimore, eating

1:00:14

french fries in bed. Huh? Like

1:00:18

some fucking, I don't know, somebody whose dreams didn't

1:00:20

come true. That's who eats

1:00:23

french fries in bed. Or maybe people who

1:00:25

fucking, everything worked out for them.

1:00:27

And they're just so fucking bored that, you know, like

1:00:29

Marlon Brando, whatever the fuck his issue was,

1:00:32

I've won every award that exists. Bring

1:00:35

me a fucking elk's head. He just sat in bed,

1:00:37

just gnawing on the fucking antlers for like 10 years.

1:00:39

And all of a sudden, you

1:00:41

know, he's ready to

1:00:43

do the fucking, what

1:00:46

is it? What, the fuck? Gorilla Monsoon movie? I have

1:00:48

biopic. I have no, I don't know how those things

1:00:50

work. I don't pretend to fucking know. So

1:00:54

anyways, we're going to pause here for

1:00:57

a little bit of advertising before

1:00:59

we come back with a Monday morning podcast. Okay.

1:01:05

And we're back. So I

1:01:07

figured it would take me a good fucking three minutes to

1:01:09

read those cuts. Maybe five minutes, whatever. That means I can

1:01:11

get to the, I can get to the, the

1:01:14

questions right now. Can I? I think I

1:01:16

can't. Don't get too close to the mic, Bill. Second,

1:01:18

you fucking ask, exhale. It all goes

1:01:20

off the fucking rails. All

1:01:23

right. Here we go.

1:01:27

All right. Advice first. You know, some kind of

1:01:29

fucking Ireland, some kind of Ireland gave me shit

1:01:31

about the ticket prices. I

1:01:34

think that's a little bit too much. I think you're funny.

1:01:36

It's like, Hey, douche, how about the fact I'm flying from

1:01:38

the other side of the fucking world, almost

1:01:40

onto your fucking doorstep. That's not enough for

1:01:42

you. Who's going to pay

1:01:44

for all that fuel? All

1:01:47

right. Here we go. Advice for, for

1:01:49

a daft Scotsman. Hey

1:01:51

there, you redheaded cunt. I

1:01:57

cannot fucking wait to go

1:01:59

back to Scotland. Ireland and

1:02:01

all these fucking places, these miserable cunts of some of

1:02:03

the funniest people you're ever gonna meet. Alright,

1:02:05

he says I'm 26 year old guy

1:02:08

from near Glasgow, Scotland. For

1:02:11

quite a while I

1:02:13

was in a bit of a rut, but eventually

1:02:16

I managed to pick myself out of it and

1:02:18

decided to do something that I've always wanted to

1:02:20

do. I took a big step and decided to

1:02:22

buy a ticket to a festival in Chicago. I

1:02:25

said shit, I love Chicago. He said

1:02:27

I booked my flights and I'll be in the city for

1:02:29

a week. That's tremendous. He

1:02:32

said basically my question is, as

1:02:34

I'll be traveling alone and will

1:02:36

be staying alone, how easy is

1:02:38

it to just hang around and

1:02:40

strike up conversations with complete strangers

1:02:42

in a different country? Have

1:02:45

you ever found difficulties in finding common

1:02:47

ground in conversation with people from different

1:02:49

countries? Also, any faux pas

1:02:51

I should avoid when talking to Americans

1:02:54

so I can prevent getting my cunt

1:02:56

kicked in? All the best,

1:02:58

you fat shaming prick. Alright,

1:03:01

there's a lot of questions there. Well,

1:03:05

the only time I ever traveled is when

1:03:07

I'm doing stand up. And

1:03:10

then after the show there's always people that just saw you

1:03:12

do a show so I've already broken the ice. But

1:03:16

first things first, why don't I tell you a couple places

1:03:18

to go to from my

1:03:21

little fucking places to go thing that I have

1:03:23

in my fucking phone that my wife

1:03:25

used to make fun of. She made

1:03:27

fun of places to go and she was laughing and then

1:03:30

you know what? We went to one

1:03:32

of those fucking places and then all of a sudden, you

1:03:35

know, she's just she has total

1:03:37

faith in it. Now she tells me hit it. Alright, here's what

1:03:39

I would go. Alright, if

1:03:42

you like a nice fucking a

1:03:44

great fucking bar for music and that type of

1:03:46

thing, I go to the Liars Club. If

1:03:50

you like cigars, there's a place

1:03:52

big cigar Emporium. Check

1:03:54

that fucking place out. And then as far as food

1:03:56

and all that shit, I would just tweet about it

1:03:59

because I'm not a big

1:04:01

fan of deep dish pizza. You

1:04:04

know what I mean? I just don't understand it. I

1:04:06

don't understand deep dish pizza the way, I

1:04:08

don't understand why coffee and tea

1:04:11

have to be so fucking hot. You

1:04:13

know what I mean? So

1:04:16

it gets the fucking, the tea bag all

1:04:19

in the water maybe? Is that what the fuck it is?

1:04:21

I just don't understand, but you have to wait like an

1:04:24

hour before you can drink

1:04:26

it without scalding your fucking mouth. And when it

1:04:28

comes to deep dish pizza, it's

1:04:31

just too fucking much. And

1:04:34

you can't just get a slice of it, that they

1:04:36

bring the fucking thing over. It's

1:04:40

like, hey, you want some lasagna? Yeah, but not

1:04:42

a whole fucking tray. But

1:04:46

you should definitely try it. If you get

1:04:48

one that actually has a really good crust, it

1:04:50

is pretty amazing, but it's just like, I mean,

1:04:53

you can literally split one piece with somebody else.

1:04:55

It's so fucking big. And

1:04:57

my wife said the funniest shit about it. She

1:04:59

called it an abomination. She

1:05:02

goes, it's the ultimate expression

1:05:04

of American gluttony. She

1:05:06

goes, go to Italy, you won't see anything

1:05:09

over there like it. And

1:05:11

it's true. But we went to

1:05:13

Italy, you know, they have like,

1:05:16

we have all our American versions of their dishes,

1:05:18

you know what I mean? But

1:05:20

there's no deep dish pizza

1:05:22

in Italy. At least

1:05:24

not in any place we went to in Rome. That's the only

1:05:26

place I've been to, but you don't see it. That's

1:05:29

what she said. And she goes, you know why? Because

1:05:31

it's an abomination. So

1:05:34

anyways, as far as I found in

1:05:36

that Liars Club, people were fucking

1:05:38

cool as hell. If you're into the music and shit,

1:05:41

it's a good time. But dude, you're gonna be coming

1:05:43

over with your fucking accent. I

1:05:45

wouldn't go to the fucking, you know, depends

1:05:49

on what you're into. I would go to a

1:05:51

place where there's gonna be a bunch of beautiful

1:05:53

women. That's what I

1:05:55

would do. And then you go over there and you

1:05:58

just fucking, just start talking and I think you're... you'll

1:06:00

be in the fucking game, and there'll be who'd you

1:06:02

come over here with, be like, I came over by

1:06:04

myself, I always wanted to come to Chicago, and

1:06:07

just literally, you know, how'd

1:06:09

he talk, what do you fucking birds

1:06:11

do? Whatever the fuck, however the fuck you guys talk,

1:06:13

right? What

1:06:16

the fuck you fucking do over here for fun? You're

1:06:19

scared of wearing kunt, right? Whatever the fuck you're

1:06:21

gonna say, and they're gonna love it. They're

1:06:24

gonna love it, even if you ask them,

1:06:26

hey, for a fucking shag, however the fuck

1:06:28

you say, fucking in your country, it's gonna

1:06:30

seem so cool to them, and

1:06:33

so different, and then also they're gonna be

1:06:35

more adventurous, because you know,

1:06:37

the story's leaving with you when you go

1:06:39

back, when you fly back

1:06:41

to Scotland. How

1:06:44

can you avoid getting your head kicked in? Don't

1:06:47

do what everybody else from other

1:06:49

countries do, is you come here

1:06:51

and you criticize the United States,

1:06:53

and talk about how dumb we

1:06:55

are, how fat we are, how

1:06:57

awful the foreign policy is, how

1:07:00

our football players are pussies, because they

1:07:02

wear pads, why do you call it

1:07:04

football, all of that dumb shit, you

1:07:06

know what I mean? It's so fucking

1:07:08

obnoxious, you know?

1:07:12

You know why it's obnoxious? Because those kinds

1:07:14

of people always come here, and they act

1:07:16

like they're these worldly-travel people, you

1:07:18

know, and oh, I come from here, and I come from

1:07:21

there, and we can do this, and we can do that,

1:07:23

and it's just like, well, in all of that fucking travel,

1:07:26

you never learn to be on your best behavior when you

1:07:28

come to somebody's country, and you don't come in and insult

1:07:30

it, so you make your whole country

1:07:32

look like a bunch of fucking snobby cunts,

1:07:34

you never learned that one. I

1:07:36

am always, I'm on my best fucking behavior when

1:07:39

I go to a different country. I'm not saying I don't go

1:07:41

out and get fucking hammered, but like, I

1:07:43

don't go there and shit on it, you

1:07:47

know? Some of these places I

1:07:49

go to, I'm fucking talking to people, and this place is nice.

1:07:51

They always say, why the fuck did you come here? I

1:07:54

remember when I

1:07:56

was in Oslo, Norway, and

1:07:59

I said, you know, I'm gonna be you

1:08:01

guys well, thanks a lot. You guys been great.

1:08:03

I'll definitely be back. It's somebody yelled out why

1:08:07

It just struggles like what what do you mean? Why why

1:08:10

the fuck wouldn't I It's

1:08:12

fucking beautiful. I don't know Anyway,

1:08:15

so I would avoid doing that and

1:08:18

then just everything else is common sense, you know,

1:08:20

somebody's you know Looking

1:08:23

like a psycho just fucking leave

1:08:25

him alone, but I don't know dude I mean I

1:08:27

judge a lot of Scotland on that movie train spotting I

1:08:30

just feel like it I don't go into any bars where

1:08:32

there's an upper deck to it because I just feel like

1:08:34

there's gonna Be that guy up there that's gonna finish

1:08:36

his fucking pint and just throw the glass Over

1:08:39

his head cut open some woman's

1:08:41

face like I just you know If

1:08:44

it's even remotely like that over there, I think you're

1:08:46

gonna be fine in Chicago I

1:08:48

would definitely try to go to a Cubs game No

1:08:51

offense to white Sox fans, but you know, you

1:08:53

guys all know that your fucking stadium stinks, you

1:08:55

know, it stinks It's the only

1:08:57

time I ever saw a stadium a new stadium built and

1:09:00

they admitted so quickly like wow We really fucked this

1:09:02

up. Let's try to like it was like a botched

1:09:04

nose job You know, I mean like

1:09:06

your stadium is is the fucking stadium version

1:09:09

of like, you know In some Hollywood chick or

1:09:11

somebody they get too much work done on their

1:09:13

face and people. Oh my god, what happened? That's

1:09:16

what you did with that stadium. They're like, well, let's

1:09:18

wait till it settles. Let's see what happens, you

1:09:21

know, no So there

1:09:23

you go But did you picked a great fucking city

1:09:25

to go to Chicago is the shit and he picked

1:09:27

a great time of the year to go There I

1:09:29

will tell you the traffic is fucking horrific. So just

1:09:31

get ready for that. But once you're in it, it's

1:09:33

fucking phenomenal Alright,

1:09:36

where do we go here? Alright, dear

1:09:39

Billy stretchy pants on

1:09:41

your podcast sometime back You

1:09:43

were talking about someone getting with someone else and

1:09:47

One of the people gaining a bunch of weight

1:09:49

Oh, yeah, when you start dating somebody how it's

1:09:51

not fair to the other person for you to

1:09:53

then put on a bunch of fucking Wait Unless

1:09:57

you're a woman you're having a baby. That's obviously I'm

1:10:01

not a fucking animal here, but I'm just saying, you know. After

1:10:04

you have the kid, you know, that's

1:10:06

when you don't. After your

1:10:08

wife has a kid, two things should happen. This is

1:10:10

what you do. You get a little bassinet for the

1:10:12

beautiful baby, and then the second thing you do is

1:10:16

you get an elliptical for your

1:10:18

wife. But so she doesn't get mad at you, what

1:10:20

you do is you get her initials engraved on the

1:10:22

side of it. In plastic,

1:10:24

of course. Totally

1:10:26

kidding. All right. I

1:10:29

was already a few weeks into whipping myself back

1:10:31

into shape. Okay,

1:10:34

let me just start this over again, because I've even forgot what the

1:10:36

fuck he's talking about. On your podcast,

1:10:38

sometimes back you were talking about someone getting with

1:10:40

someone else and one of the people gaining a

1:10:42

bunch of weight. I was already a few weeks

1:10:44

into whipping myself back into shape, but this really

1:10:47

helped me solidify my will. Well,

1:10:49

that's fucking great, man. That's

1:10:52

great. I wish you, can you help me?

1:10:54

Because I, you know what's sitting in a fucking

1:10:56

writer's room is like I eat there like the way I

1:10:58

eat on the road. I mean, I,

1:11:00

it's just fucking hard to try to eat

1:11:03

healthy. It's just, you're just bored. You're freaking out.

1:11:05

You're locked in the fucking room and you're like, I'm

1:11:07

going to eat some fucking candy for no reason. I'm

1:11:09

sitting there every day like it's Halloween and I'm fucking

1:11:11

seven years old. I got to stop. All

1:11:13

right. It made me think that

1:11:16

I should really give my lady the respect of

1:11:18

maintaining something close to the body I had when

1:11:20

she got on this train. She

1:11:23

loves me. She has stayed with me in

1:11:25

spite of the lumpy beanbag chair I have

1:11:27

become. I am now 15 pounds

1:11:29

down with a bunch more to go, but

1:11:31

I am back on my routine. Four or

1:11:33

five trips to the gym at five 30

1:11:35

in the morning. Dude, you're fucking killing it.

1:11:38

That's great. And calorie counting as well.

1:11:41

I know exactly what to do. It's

1:11:43

just the time now. My question is this.

1:11:46

How do you deal with it if your

1:11:48

lady wants you to eat the same stuff

1:11:50

she is or wants to go to a

1:11:52

shitty fried food restaurant? Anyways,

1:11:55

thanks, man. Hope season two of F is

1:11:57

for family is coming along well. It is.

1:12:00

Can't wait to see it. And I loved

1:12:02

your last show in Austin. Hurry back and come

1:12:04

during the football season. We had a monster fucking

1:12:06

recruiting class this year. Thanks, you bastard.

1:12:08

Oh, that's great, man. Longhorns

1:12:11

should be good. It's a

1:12:13

legendary college program there. All right. All

1:12:17

right. How do you deal with it? I would just

1:12:19

say, that's easy. Just sit down

1:12:21

with her and just say, hey, listen. You know, when

1:12:25

you got with me, I

1:12:28

was however years old and I weighed this

1:12:30

much. And I don't think it's fair

1:12:32

for me to have put on all this fucking weight, you

1:12:35

know, and to be looking like a lumpy beanbag

1:12:37

chair, like you said. So I'm really trying to

1:12:40

get myself back into shape. So I was

1:12:42

wondering if, you know, you

1:12:45

know, if you want to eat something that's a

1:12:47

little unhealthy, is there any way we

1:12:49

just can go to a place that has healthy options

1:12:51

for me? All right. Because

1:12:53

I don't want to look bad for you. And I

1:12:55

also don't want to die early. So you're fucking, you

1:12:59

know, in your 40s and 50s, having

1:13:02

to put lipstick on and get the fuck back out

1:13:04

there again and try to meet somebody who works down at

1:13:06

Sears, you know, and I don't want to do that

1:13:08

to you. I'd like to be here for the long

1:13:10

haul. Dude, there's no fucking way she'll give you shit about

1:13:12

that. That's a very easy thing to happen, you know.

1:13:15

And then also, I think, sorry, I'm looking at the

1:13:17

timer. I also think that she

1:13:20

would be happy to hear that you weren't just doing

1:13:22

this for some vain reason yourself, that you were actually

1:13:24

also doing it for her. I think that that would

1:13:26

be pretty cool. Now watch. Now

1:13:28

watch. You'll fucking get

1:13:31

in some big fucking fight, you know. Are

1:13:33

you saying I eat bad? Do

1:13:35

you say I'm fat? You

1:13:38

know, she blows her sales manager. All right.

1:13:40

Read this. Okay. All right. I'm going to

1:13:42

read this. Relax. What's up, dickhead? Let's

1:13:45

go fucking Bruins. Can't wait for next

1:13:47

season. I just moved to wildly mediocre

1:13:50

Los Angeles. Well,

1:13:53

yeah, that's what you're going to feel. Because you just

1:13:55

fucking moved there. But

1:13:57

if you stay open-minded... which

1:14:00

is really difficult for East Coast people to do.

1:14:02

I did that the first time I came to

1:14:04

LA. I went to LA and I tried

1:14:06

to do Boston, New York shit. And then when

1:14:09

I couldn't, I was like, dude, this place fucking

1:14:11

sucks. It doesn't, it's fucking amazing. Beautiful

1:14:13

women, some of the best food you're ever

1:14:15

gonna have, so much outdoor activity. Just fucking

1:14:18

embrace it. Stop trying to be the fucking

1:14:20

Boston guy. You're not on a reality show,

1:14:22

all right? Take it down a few fucking

1:14:24

notches. Nobody gives a fucking Los Angeles that

1:14:26

you don't like it. Everybody just thinks, well,

1:14:29

then go back to fucking Boston. Go

1:14:31

back to Philly, wherever the fuck you're from. If

1:14:33

it's so fucking great, why did you accept the

1:14:35

job out here? All right, sorry.

1:14:37

I'm just heading you off at the pass before you come another

1:14:39

cunt shitting on fucking LA.

1:14:42

He said, I work for the UFC

1:14:44

editing fight highlights. Thanks

1:14:47

for keeping me entertained with your

1:14:49

semi-literate, bibble-babble bullshit

1:14:51

day after day. This

1:14:53

is like a classic East Coast guy. He really

1:14:55

likes me and likes what I do, but he

1:14:57

just can't get himself to say it because his

1:14:59

dad never hugged him. So I'm not taking any

1:15:01

of this personally. Anyway, my

1:15:03

girlfriend is about to move here to meet me. She

1:15:06

had to stay behind when I moved because she's a teacher

1:15:09

and needed to finish out the school year. We

1:15:11

get along great. I trust her and she treats

1:15:13

me better than I deserve. However, sometimes I can't

1:15:16

take how ditzy she can be. Uh-oh,

1:15:19

I'm starting to pull some threads here. She

1:15:21

is successful and very book smart, but

1:15:23

sometimes lacks common sense. I find myself

1:15:25

feeling embarrassed when she says some stupid

1:15:27

shit in front of my friends or

1:15:29

parents. It's kind of a hard thing

1:15:31

to discuss with her though. You know,

1:15:34

what the fuck should I do? Also, I'm

1:15:37

coming to your show at the Saban Theater this Monday. I'm

1:15:39

looking forward to it, so don't blow it. Well, I appreciate you

1:15:41

coming out to that, like I said. It's,

1:15:44

you know, for a really good friend of mine and for a great cause.

1:15:47

So thank you for doing that. All right. Well,

1:15:52

here's the deal, dude. You either have to accept the

1:15:54

fact that she can be a little ditzy or

1:15:57

you have to come to the realization that you're

1:15:59

dating. dating a fucking dope and

1:16:01

you got to get rid of her. It's one or the

1:16:03

other. I

1:16:07

mean, look, she doesn't sound like she's 100% that. I've

1:16:10

dated people like that that were a little, you know, they

1:16:13

were either locked in or just sort of floating.

1:16:16

It was really weird. And they could say really

1:16:18

like amazing,

1:16:20

like, spot on shit.

1:16:22

And then two minutes later could just could say something

1:16:24

like, oh my God, what the fuck was that? But

1:16:29

I have to tell you, that's kind of a big deal they'll

1:16:31

do, you know? You can't

1:16:33

think that the person you're dating is a dope. You

1:16:36

know, you get into that situation

1:16:39

and I don't know, you

1:16:41

start thinking about getting married, you start thinking about having kids,

1:16:43

you're like, is my kid gonna be half a dope or

1:16:46

a full on dope? Is the kid gonna get all

1:16:48

of that DNA from her? Who the fuck knows? It's

1:16:54

kind of hard to think to discuss with her, you know? What

1:16:57

are you gonna say to her? Can you stop saying dumb shit?

1:16:59

I mean, there's no way to do that, you

1:17:02

know? Trying to think, that's like my wife

1:17:04

telling me to work on my temper. I mean, I

1:17:06

do work on my temper, but I mean, it's kind

1:17:08

of how I'm made up. I

1:17:11

mean, if somebody's ditzy, they're fucking ditzy. That would be like

1:17:13

my wife telling me, okay, can you be a little less

1:17:15

pasty? It's like, I can become red for

1:17:18

a few days. That's

1:17:21

about the best I can do. I

1:17:23

don't know what else you want from me, but

1:17:25

I think you need to maybe move on. I'm

1:17:28

not saying you need to move on. Yeah, you either

1:17:30

accept this about her or you gotta walk one

1:17:33

or the other. All

1:17:35

right, here's another one. Jesus Christ, can't

1:17:38

come. And I

1:17:40

don't mean to the wedding. How's

1:17:42

it going, Billy Butterballs? If you're

1:17:44

reading this on Monday, it's

1:17:47

fucking sick. June 20th,

1:17:50

Will is my 21st birthday. Oh,

1:17:53

Jesus. I don't

1:17:55

know what's going on here. Great gift hearing you read this. Well,

1:17:58

you're not gonna hear it until fucking Monday. Anyways,

1:18:01

all right. I'm emailing today

1:18:04

though is I was with this girl

1:18:06

last summer Some good sex no

1:18:08

big deal, but we didn't have anything going on

1:18:10

during the year when we were at college Well,

1:18:13

we're back at it this summer, but the thing is I

1:18:16

can't come I

1:18:19

mean, I'm doing good pretty good PPM

1:18:22

pumps per minute, but I

1:18:24

just can't finish now I know you're not

1:18:27

a doctor so not gonna ask

1:18:29

you why but how should I go about

1:18:31

this? I think she's getting self-conscious, but

1:18:33

she's a hard eight and I'm a soft

1:18:35

six. She's hot. It's

1:18:38

not her fault Daddy can

1:18:40

finish Daddy can't

1:18:42

finish when the pressure is on how should I be

1:18:44

playing this? I can only laugh it off for so

1:18:46

long I'll try not jerking off

1:18:49

too. Maybe that'll help any advice

1:18:52

Thanks for the read man. I'll feel be able to

1:18:54

come check you out when you come back East Coast Maybe

1:18:57

Baltimore and Sunday go socks go fuck

1:18:59

yourself. Yeah, I yeah don't rub

1:19:01

one out if you're watching too much porn

1:19:03

maybe that's a problem or Maybe

1:19:06

you know, you don't want to be in a

1:19:08

relationship with her and that's the weird way your

1:19:10

body's reacting like you're wasting time So

1:19:14

we're not gonna fuck I don't know there's a

1:19:17

zillion psychological reasons, but yeah, I yeah just don't

1:19:19

rub one out For

1:19:21

a while, you know, this is another thing too

1:19:23

women are fucking they're very Forgiving

1:19:25

people if you I would I

1:19:28

wouldn't laugh it off. I would talk to her about it and

1:19:30

just say listen Obviously this is

1:19:32

happening. It's bothering me I'm

1:19:35

feeling pressure about it and I'm also feeling like

1:19:37

in a roundabout I just don't want you to

1:19:39

be taking my issue on like there's something

1:19:42

you're doing you're not doing anything wrong There's

1:19:44

something going on with me and then she'll be

1:19:46

like well Maybe you should go talk to somebody

1:19:48

about it and because you're fucking red Sox fan

1:19:50

I'm assuming you're from the Boston area You don't

1:19:53

want to go to therapy and even

1:19:55

if you do go to therapy It's not gonna help

1:19:57

because you probably have enough Irish blood in you and

1:19:59

they always said Who is that fucking psychologist

1:20:02

that said the Irish are like

1:20:04

immune to therapy? Um...

1:20:08

I don't know, if you like this girl I would definitely talk

1:20:10

to her about it. But there's no reason to put any pressure

1:20:12

on yourself, you know what I mean? Just don't rub one out,

1:20:14

don't watch any porn. Just, uh,

1:20:17

you know... I don't know. Just

1:20:20

let it back up. Ha ha

1:20:22

ha ha! I don't fucking know, I'm not a doctor,

1:20:24

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, alright, here

1:20:26

we go, here we go. Wind it

1:20:28

down, wind it down. Alright, heroin. Um,

1:20:31

I have no family, no friends. I

1:20:33

work and support myself, I have no

1:20:35

kids, no relationship. I actually enjoy freedom

1:20:37

and being alone to an extent. I'm

1:20:39

in my 20's, I had a lot

1:20:41

of sex, relationships, and ended up getting

1:20:43

herpes slash HPV. I would

1:20:46

basically rather just not tell people and

1:20:48

not have relationships than to have to.

1:20:50

At 35 years old,

1:20:53

uh, than to have to at 35 years

1:20:56

old deal with having to explain slash tell

1:20:58

this to women. I really like

1:21:00

heroin. Uh, what the fuck?

1:21:02

Jesus Christ, buddy. What are we doing here?

1:21:04

This doesn't sound real. I

1:21:06

really like heroin. I go to work, come home, and

1:21:08

use heroin on a daily basis. I

1:21:11

still pay my bills, I still work, but

1:21:13

I have traded the pleasure of sex slash

1:21:15

having a family slash relationships for

1:21:17

that of watching TV shows slash

1:21:20

movies while high on heroin, falling asleep, then

1:21:22

going to work the next day. Should

1:21:24

I change this? Is

1:21:28

this re- I'll, I'll, you know what, I'll, I'll treat it

1:21:30

as real. Um, should

1:21:32

I listen to society, stop using, go out

1:21:34

there and find women and tell them about

1:21:36

my situation and hope they do not reject

1:21:38

me and get clean? Or,

1:21:40

if I am happy, is

1:21:43

it okay for me to just accept the women

1:21:45

part of my life is over, eat whatever I

1:21:47

want, use whatever drug I want, and fill the

1:21:49

time I have left on this planet watching shows,

1:21:52

movies, playing games, and resigning myself to the fact

1:21:54

that I will be alone. Love

1:21:56

the podcast. Heroin gets a bad rap.

1:22:00

sound crazy but people can use opiates

1:22:02

and still be responsible. I know many

1:22:04

people who do. It's like

1:22:06

alcohol. Both can be physically, this is

1:22:08

really fascinating, or

1:22:13

maybe it's a big lie, I don't

1:22:15

know. It's like alcohol. Both can be

1:22:17

physically addictive. Alcohol can actually

1:22:19

kill you with withdrawals

1:22:21

while heroin cannot. And

1:22:23

the deaths you hear about heroin

1:22:26

are from idiots overdosing. What if

1:22:28

you get a bad batch, isn't

1:22:30

that something? It's

1:22:32

too fucking strong? I

1:22:35

don't know. I don't pretend to know.

1:22:37

If we reported all the deaths from

1:22:39

alcohol-involved incidents, they are easily,

1:22:41

well they do report all of them. As far as

1:22:43

I know, it's like they're trying to hide them. They

1:22:46

are easily 100 times more than heroin-related

1:22:48

deaths. But in our society right now,

1:22:50

opiates are not acceptable because too many

1:22:53

white middle class parents are finding their

1:22:55

idiot kids using them

1:22:57

without understanding tolerance slash proper

1:23:01

dosing. Anyways, love the podcast.

1:23:03

I'm not leaving any contact info so I

1:23:06

have no way to know if you read

1:23:08

this. Just thought it might be

1:23:10

an interesting subject for your show. It is interesting.

1:23:14

Yeah dude, I don't pretend to know anything

1:23:16

about opiates. All I do know is that

1:23:18

the, I

1:23:21

know alcohol can ruin your life, but I

1:23:23

don't think it's nearly as addicting as

1:23:26

heroin. I have heard that people can fucking,

1:23:31

I don't know. But I think, if

1:23:33

what you're saying is true, I think you're a

1:23:35

rare person that can handle that. I have no

1:23:37

idea. Ah fuck, now I gotta look some shit

1:23:39

up. The last thing I wanted to do,

1:23:41

and I gotta get going here, I got my fucking show here in a

1:23:44

half hour. Oh,

1:23:46

the live reads are here. The live reads

1:23:48

are here. I guess

1:23:50

I'll read them here then. Let me just see something.

1:23:52

Let me just look up.

1:23:55

All right, look up. Productive.

1:24:00

while on heroin. Heroin

1:24:06

and employment, independent drug model.

1:24:10

Let's see, productivity and heroin addiction.

1:24:15

What is this? How heroin addicts

1:24:17

in Vietnam. What

1:24:19

is this? Productivity

1:24:21

and heroin addiction, how living in a cave

1:24:24

turned me into a blogger. I

1:24:27

failed my New Year's resolution. I wish I could do

1:24:29

better. I just don't have enough willpower. Have you ever

1:24:31

set a goal you didn't achieve? Ever tried a New

1:24:33

Year's resolution that didn't stick? What separates

1:24:35

the 0.5% from the 99.5%? What

1:24:39

makes some people succeed in building

1:24:41

new sustainable habits but almost everyone

1:24:43

else fails? How

1:24:46

living in a cave turned me... Where the fuck is the heroin shit?

1:24:51

How heroin addicts in Vietnam and your

1:24:53

productivity habits are the same. What?

1:24:57

Everyone knows the horrible effects of heroin

1:25:00

addiction. Once someone starts

1:25:02

taking heroin, it's almost impossible to quit

1:25:04

and those who form a recurring habit

1:25:06

will likely never quit. So

1:25:08

why didn't heroin using Vietnam vets relapse when

1:25:10

they returned to the USA? A

1:25:12

study from the Washington School of Medical Medicine,

1:25:15

very few heroin use in Vietnam,

1:25:17

veteran relapses. What?

1:25:21

Very few heroin using veteran relapsed when

1:25:24

they returned to the USA. And

1:25:27

those who did were more likely to

1:25:29

have been illicit drug users before ever

1:25:31

arriving in Vietnam. These vets weren't addicted

1:25:33

to the chemicals in heroin. They were

1:25:35

addicted to the experience of heroin in

1:25:37

a specific situational context. In the

1:25:39

same vein, you think you're in control of what you

1:25:42

do. You think that when you fail, it's a failure

1:25:44

of your willpower. But the fact is

1:25:46

you don't even realize the influence of the environment has

1:25:48

on you. Did you know that obesity

1:25:50

spreads through a network of friends? Happiness

1:25:53

also spreads throughout a social network. Your

1:25:55

situation determines your choices as much as

1:25:57

or more than your own personal choices.

1:25:59

This is in willpower. So

1:26:02

how can I use this to improve my habit? Oh,

1:26:04

Jesus Christ. No, join a Wally Ball League. I

1:26:07

don't even know what the fuck that was. All right, let me

1:26:09

look up, let me just read these fucking things here. You

1:26:12

know what, I might read up on that. I probably won't. I'll

1:26:14

try to... I

1:26:16

would never tell people to fucking, you know, hey,

1:26:19

it's just heroin. You know, that

1:26:21

seems a little crazy to me. And

1:26:24

people always come in an alcohol. It's like the

1:26:26

fucking pot smokers always doing that shit. But alcohol

1:26:28

actually, man, there's no medicinal purposes to fucking... I

1:26:30

get it, I get it. But you know, you

1:26:34

guys are also, you know, you're pie in the sky

1:26:36

fucking thing with weed like it's... Like

1:26:39

this, that you can't get addicted to weed

1:26:41

is another fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Okay, yeah,

1:26:43

you just really like it. That's

1:26:45

all, you know? Once again, as

1:26:47

always, have a great week, you fucking cunts. Go

1:26:50

fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you. I'll check in

1:26:52

on you on Thursday. Check

1:26:59

this out. Better believe this, you all. Check

1:27:05

this out. Better believe this, you all. This

1:27:08

is Ralph and Don. Guys, you're hiding,

1:27:10

plug this light up out of sight.

1:27:12

I have a grip, you

1:27:14

take a beat quick. You turn your nose up. You

1:27:16

think you're higher up. You play real safe. Every

1:27:19

shit's fake. I see you all down, and

1:27:21

if you fuck my spam. I'm the one

1:27:23

that put that blood on me. You think

1:27:26

you are. Do you want to? That means

1:27:28

doing yourself. I don't sit around waiting myself

1:27:30

myself. I don't sit back. That's not good

1:27:32

enough. I keep on driving, reinventing, keeping it

1:27:35

off the phone.