0:00

The McElroy brothers are not experts

0:03

and their advice should never be followed. Travis

0:06

insists he's a sexpert, but

0:08

if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen

0:10

it. Also, this show

0:12

isn't for kids, which I mentioned

0:14

only so the babies out there will know

0:16

how cool they are for listening. What's up

0:19

you cool baby? To

0:30

a precious friendship! I

0:33

could have never seen what was coming for

0:35

me Hangs at the

0:38

skate park, hangs by the

0:40

beach My life, it feels

0:42

like Life!

0:46

Ahh, it's better,

0:49

it's better with you My

0:52

life! Ahh, it's better,

0:54

it's better with you

0:57

This is true, ah,

0:59

it's better, it's better

1:01

with you My

1:06

life! Ahh, it's better with

1:09

you Hello everybody and

1:11

welcome to my brother, my brother, and

1:13

me, an advice show for the modern

1:15

era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy.

1:18

What up Trav Nation, I'm your minimalist

1:20

brother Big Dog Woof Woof, Travis McElroy

1:22

What's poppin Trav Nation, I'm your sweet

1:24

baby brother 30 under 30 media luminary

1:27

I just want to point out a

1:29

very exciting day over here at Trav

1:31

Nation, getting some new shingles on my

1:33

roof I'm a major leak in my

1:35

front door area So

1:38

if you hear some hammering in the background, it's

1:40

been going on since 7am Sometimes

1:43

it rains in Trav Nation, but not

1:46

in this incredible, hole proof

1:49

house We're vacuum

1:51

sealing the house so no water or air can

1:53

get in It's a very exciting day here Trav

1:55

Nation, a biodome, not a lot of people know

1:57

that A lot of people are getting solar I

2:00

don't know. I hit a button, I think.

2:02

Nothing going on in there. There's trouble in

2:04

his butt. All vegan, except for Travis, all

2:06

vegan. But when it doesn't rain,

2:08

I've got nothing. I've got absolutely no power,

2:10

no air, nothing. Well, you presumably have some

2:13

sort of hand-cranked, like

2:17

people are working to keep you in comfort, personally.

2:20

Oh, shit, that's a great idea. Oh, God. Get

2:23

the kids on the fun bikes. The fun bikes are making me

2:25

feel like I'm gonna be a little bit more comfortable. I'm gonna

2:28

be a little bit more comfortable. The fun bikes are making the

2:30

house go. Get the kids to make

2:32

the house go with the fun bikes. Yes, you know,

2:34

city bikes, these are shitty bikes. They don't go anywhere,

2:36

but they do power Travis's bidet. Yes,

2:38

specifically. Specifically. Well, I can pedal while

2:41

I'm on the bidet, too, which is

2:43

just two birds, one star. When Travis

2:45

tours, hotels in this

2:47

country, and this is my number one problem,

2:49

don't have bidets in them usually, Travis has

2:51

his own sort of like pocket-sized,

2:54

super soaker, battery-operated.

2:58

I request bidets at every hotel I go to,

3:00

which brings me to another point. I think it's

3:02

time for another- You're a bad person. Well, yeah,

3:04

I'm a bad person. And I

3:06

don't really do- With a dried, crusty butthole forever.

3:08

I don't really do that, but it is time

3:10

for another celebrity check-in. Oh, wait. Oh,

3:13

yes, okay, great. Yeah, so I've got a

3:15

list of celebrities here, and I've got some

3:17

requests that they make. This is a mixture

3:19

of this one of dressing room requests and

3:22

hotel room requests. I'm gonna give you the

3:24

list of the celebrities in no particular order,

3:26

as well as the list of the requests,

3:28

and you're going to match them. I

3:30

love this. Make sense? Okay. Yes. Your

3:33

celebrities are Post

3:35

Malone, Pharrell. Yes.

3:37

The Weeknd. Shit.

3:39

Rod Stewart and

3:42

Lenny Kravitz. At least one of those is

3:44

gonna be pretty. I feel like if one

3:46

of these things is like trains, little

3:48

trains for me to play with. That's Rod Stewart

3:51

all day, every day. Okay, do you

3:53

want me to give you the list again? Oh, yeah.

3:55

Okay. In another different order, because I can't remember

3:57

the order I just said. Pharrell.

4:00

The Weekend, Post Malone,

4:03

Rod Stewart and Lenny Kravitz. Got

4:05

you. Okay, you ready? Easy, no

4:07

problem. This is a hotel room request. Bowl

4:10

of grated Parmesan and

4:12

shredded Parmesan, grilled asparagus,

4:15

no oil or salt. All

4:17

right. That's a hotel room request. Hotel

4:20

room request. Give me my options

4:22

again. Post Malone, The Weekend, Pharrell,

4:25

Lenny Kravitz, Rod Stewart. Correct.

4:29

Lenny Kravitz, Dead 2 Right says

4:31

Lenny Kravitz. Can I tell you, this is gonna

4:33

really be out of left field. It's

4:36

the two different types of cheese. I'm getting

4:38

big Post Malone energy from this. Wow. Isn't

4:40

that weird? Isn't that out of type? Is

4:43

that your guys' craving? Yeah, it's Post Malone. No,

4:46

the correct answer is Lenny Kravitz. That's one

4:48

point for Justin. Justin, got it, damn it.

4:50

What's up? Why does, hey Lenny, hey Leonard,

4:53

it's the same cheese. It's

4:56

the same cheese in two different forums. Leonard.

4:59

It's the same cheese, my man. Lenny Kravitz, people

5:01

like ice water, which is two

5:03

different forms of water. So maybe

5:06

Mr. Kravitz just likes cheese in all of

5:08

its state. You know what I mean? Well,

5:11

not big cheese. He doesn't want big cheese. He

5:13

wants small cheese and then like microscopic cheese. He

5:15

doesn't want solid cheese. No way. Okay,

5:17

I got one for you, Trav. What? I

5:20

got one for you. Hold on. Six

5:22

cans of ginger ale on ice.

5:25

And I'm just, you've not given me any

5:28

options. No options, you have to guess. So

5:30

from the entire- Just so you missed, six

5:32

cans of ginger ale on ice. Just

5:35

for us? There's four others. One bag

5:38

pita chips. That's us, Justin. You're talking

5:40

about the macaroni. You're reading our old,

5:42

our old, our old writer. Chocolate or

5:44

fruity kitty, we're not picky. That's

5:47

a trap actually. That's literally

5:49

what it says on our writer. And I, just

5:51

to make it clear- This is for 2018 though.

5:54

This is for six years ago. In case you

5:56

didn't know, when someone makes a writer, they pay

5:58

for it out of pocket. So basically

6:00

we have given them a grocery list for

6:03

things that we wanted. And a lot of that ends up

6:05

just going home with us of like, thanks for the bag

6:07

of candy that I paid for it. Okay. So

6:09

tight. Okay, so next one.

6:12

Welch's grape fruit snacks, Snickers,

6:14

and Bud Light. I

6:16

mean us, this one's our, Justin just said it. Yeah.

6:19

I will say one other thing about

6:21

our list. I don't wanna make

6:23

a sound solo maintenance. These days

6:26

I have added one finicky

6:28

item to the writer and it is

6:30

best local donuts. What is

6:32

the best donuts in the city? I need

6:34

that from you and the crew picks. So it's like,

6:37

it's a stealers choice. And then it's fun because I

6:39

tell people on the crew that that's

6:41

on the writer and then they see the donuts they

6:43

got. And that every time, oh no,

6:46

oh no, they fucked you over. You're gonna need to go

6:48

down to Pals. You go to three blocks down this way.

6:50

You gotta get there at 6 45 in the morning. The

6:53

best is when we do like a Taz and my

6:55

brother, my brother, me in the same place. And the

6:57

next day there's a different box of donuts and

7:00

they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who got that? Who

7:03

did that? Okay. Okay. Welch's

7:05

Grapefruit Snacks. Hotel Room Request. Welch's

7:07

Grapefruit Snacks. Snickers and Bud Light.

7:10

Post Malone. I mean, yeah. That

7:12

does feel kinda awesome. That is Post Malone. Post Malone.

7:15

I was hoping I would trip you up. I was

7:17

hoping I would trip you up. Oop, Post Malone. Obviously

7:19

it was. When I gave Post Malone the asparagus and

7:21

two types of cheese, that was aspirational for me. For

7:23

like where I, like wouldn't it be fun if Post

7:25

Malone was actually Mr. Two Cheese Asparagus

7:28

guy and not Bud Light and Fruit Snacks guy?

7:30

Okay. Are you ready? Hotel Room Request.

7:34

We've got to remind us, still

7:36

left. Post Malone seems nice. Pharrell, Rod

7:39

Stewart, The Weekend. Okay. Hotel

7:42

Room Request. Humidifier and air

7:44

purifier. Rod Stewart. And reportedly,

7:46

and reportedly took both of

7:48

them when they left. Then

7:51

say it again, hold on. Humidifier and

7:54

air purifier and reportedly took both of

7:56

them when they left. Okay. This is

7:58

what I, okay. Let me explain why

8:00

this is Rod Stewart for sure. Okay.

8:03

Rod Stewart is getting up in years

8:05

a little bit. Gotta protect the instrument.

8:07

That rasp is a very finely tuned

8:10

thing. You gotta have the humidity.

8:13

I'm in my head now as to whether or not

8:15

people born in the last 20 years even know who

8:17

Rod Stewart is moving on. He

8:19

was a grave digger was

8:21

his first job. This was

8:23

the first thing he did. At first he was

8:26

too nervous to perform facing the audience. He would

8:28

turn his back to the audience because he was

8:30

so nervous. And that's why he has an air

8:32

purifier? This is somebody who appreciates the value of

8:34

money. Sometimes we leave the

8:36

fruit tray in the fridge untouched and

8:39

we beg people, please take this home with you.

8:41

Thanks for coming to the show. Take this home. He

8:44

appreciates that that humidifier, that costs a

8:46

couple hundo and he is taking it with him because

8:48

he probably bought it by our

8:50

writer laws. Well that's a hotel room request. Important

8:52

to note, hotel room request. Oh not? I don't

8:54

know if you're paying for it. Still Rod Stewart.

8:57

He's going to clean them out. Griffin.

9:00

Gosh. It's the taking it. That

9:03

is the wild part to me. Like both of these things

9:05

I could see wanting to have that in your room. Maybe

9:07

you're just used to the white noise and the wet air.

9:09

I did it. We travel. We

9:12

travel with humidifiers. Absolutely. Absolutely.

9:14

I have a traveling humidifier. It's the take.

9:17

It's amazing. It is the taking it that

9:19

is beyond the pale for me. I do

9:22

not think that that is the gambit of

9:24

a younger man. And for that

9:26

reason I am going to agree with Justin and

9:28

say Rod Stewart. No I'm sorry that was the

9:30

weekend. The weekend. The weekend. The weekend. Now.

9:33

We have two left.

9:35

Rod Stewart. I appreciate

9:38

wanting the comfort of knowing that you could

9:40

humidify any room at any time. That's cool.

9:43

Like the idea that you'd be like God the air is a little

9:45

dry in here and the weekends like let me get my suitcase one

9:47

second. I got you. Got you. Hey help

9:49

me carry this. This is 80 pounds. This is 80 pounds.

9:52

Any weekend you got to make sure

9:54

you're also doing self care. Okay. We've

9:57

got Pharrell and Rod Stewart. And

12:00

there's a video called, Hot Legs, Rod

12:02

Kicks Soccer Balls Into Crowd. I

12:05

guess this is a song he does called, Hot Legs. And

12:08

maybe it's about how good he is at soccer. And

12:10

he just blasts. I guess.

12:12

That's how he gets him to leave. When they're on that like

12:15

third encore chant, he's like, I know how to clear him

12:17

out. And he just starts just

12:19

direct lining to the face, soccer

12:21

balls. Also there's a shit ton

12:23

of signed Rod Stewart soccer balls

12:26

on eBay. So like, is that

12:28

this guy's deal? You think he signs

12:30

them and then he kicks them off the balcony? He kicks them right

12:32

into the crowd. What a, Hot Legs. What

12:35

a good song, Rod. Hey Rod, I don't care

12:37

what anybody says about you. You got

12:39

some great tracks, man. Hot

12:42

Legs, Rod Stewart's soccer song. Is

12:44

that a full title? This is

12:46

an advice show still. And so I'd like to help

12:49

some people just for a change of pace. Recently

12:51

in a mutually beneficial agreement, my sister sold

12:53

me her old car. It's

12:56

in good condition, but it came with bumper

12:58

stickers. She's previously affixed. Here's my

13:00

question. How long should I wait before I remove

13:02

her old bumper stickers? They're not problematic or offensive,

13:04

but they don't really represent my interests. I don't

13:06

want to see them reunify or move them immediately,

13:08

but I also don't want to drive around town

13:10

with stolen valor or fandoms I don't share. What's

13:13

the statute of limitations on bumper stickers from a

13:15

previous owner? That's from A.

13:17

Justin in Maryland. They

13:19

also, additional details, we live together. So she'd

13:21

notice the alteration right away. One of the

13:24

stickers for a non-problematic political candidate I didn't

13:26

vote for. Also, if it matters, this is

13:28

a 2011 Toyota Prius. Of course it matters.

13:30

Of course it does. I think that

13:33

there's an important, important variable in this,

13:35

which they included. Thank you.

13:38

Sold you her car. You paid money for

13:40

it. Yes. I think if it

13:42

was given to you with no money exchanged,

13:45

then it's harder to justify removing

13:48

their bumper stickers from it. But

13:50

the second you have purchased it from them, now

13:54

it's your, but I

13:56

think you should have done it right

13:58

away. Yes. Like get the keys right

14:00

away. I'm gonna continue to push this

14:02

show into more anti-capitalist bent. Fuck

14:05

yeah. The car is yours once it's given to you.

14:08

If money exchanges or not, it's your

14:10

car. Yes. It's in your

14:12

soul. Sort of a pro-capitalist bent, actually, Juice, it

14:14

feels like. What? I mean,

14:16

what Justin's saying is that my point

14:18

is invalid because Justin wants to seem

14:20

woke. I think it's what's happening there.

14:23

Yeah, man. Not seem woke, Travis. Okay,

14:25

uh-huh. B. I mean,

14:27

it's a capitalist route of saying, you worked hard

14:29

for that money. Yeah. And

14:31

you spent it, and now you own that fucking car.

14:34

And no one, including the government, can

14:36

tell you what bumper stickers you should've

14:38

spent it on. I'm gonna go

14:40

even further to say- Holy shit. You need to steal some

14:42

money from your sister. Yes. The

14:44

man that your sister give you money for taking this 2011 Prius off

14:46

her hands. Yes.

14:49

Right? That's what I'm saying. You're

14:51

doing her a service by taking this car off her

14:54

hands. I'm gonna go one step further. Okay.

14:58

Tell me about your grind set. Yeah.

15:00

Why are you driving a 2011

15:02

Prius? You should

15:04

be cruising around the neighborhood in a 2025 Toyota

15:06

Prius. You

15:09

need to find somebody with a 2012 Prius, and

15:11

you're gonna trade with them. Then you're gonna find somebody with

15:13

a 2013 Prius. You're gonna trade with them.

15:15

Yes. And you're gonna keep going until

15:17

you have a 2047 Prius. A Prius

15:19

for the future. Yeah, someone's gonna try

15:21

and trade your car for some seeds.

15:24

Do that. Those are good.

15:26

Every time. Those are good seeds.

15:28

That's how Mark Cuban got where he is today.

15:30

Climbed a giant bean. Just trading cars for seeds.

15:33

He owned a bunch of basketball teams. He sold

15:35

one for seeds. He has huge pennies. Listen, we

15:37

can't all agree on capitalism, but I think one

15:39

thing we can agree on is we as

15:43

a people, and I mean us and the listeners

15:45

of the show, we gotta start acting faster. Yes.

15:50

There's a valley of weird

15:52

that begins the moment after

15:55

something happens, and

15:57

you don't know if it's a valley or

15:59

a chasm. And it could just keep getting

16:02

weirder. But almost without exception, the

16:04

least weird time to do something is

16:07

right then. Because the catalyst is already

16:09

clear. The catalyst is already clear. The

16:11

event just happened. Yes, you're now having

16:13

to manufacture a catalyst. And that's unfortunate.

16:16

Because if you wait four months to

16:18

remove the bumper sticker, the question will

16:20

become why now? Every day's

16:23

weirder. Every day's weirder. But if

16:25

you do it right away, right

16:27

away. Not actionable. In this case,

16:29

I will admit because of chronology.

16:31

But yeah. I own

16:34

no, I should. That's where you went wrong. I should Google

16:36

and make sure we're not actively selling bumper stickers right now

16:38

before I say what I'm about to say. I

16:40

don't have any bumper stickers on my car, nor

16:42

have I ever put a bumper sticker on a

16:44

car that I have announced. You're selling a lot

16:46

of bumper stickers. Fuck, okay, well you should do

16:48

that. Sorry, let me rephrase that. We're selling a

16:50

wide variety of bumper stickers. That's a better way

16:52

of putting it. I'm

16:54

saying when I'm out there on

16:57

the road, on the battlefield, I

16:59

don't want to show my hand.

17:03

I don't want anybody out there to know anything

17:05

about me while I'm sharing the highway

17:07

with them that they can then use against me. Well,

17:09

I want them to know that like, you

17:12

know, if you can read this, get off my ass.

17:14

And I want them to know like, there's an upside

17:16

down bumper sticker that's like if you can read this,

17:19

flip me over. I'd rather

17:21

be fishing. I want them

17:23

to know, you know, that's so much. You've

17:25

just. What? You've

17:27

just shown all of your weaknesses to

17:31

your fellow drivers out there. I

17:33

guess I'm just a little more trusting than you are,

17:35

Griffin, I guess I just have an open heart and

17:37

an open mind and I'd rather be fishing. I

17:40

guess that's the difference between us. That said,

17:42

if you do have a spare $9 and

17:45

love the Knights Templar to wacky wizards,

17:48

we've got a killer bumper sticker for you. It

17:50

says take over the banks right on it. Yeah,

17:52

there you go. It's a great bumper sticker. That's

17:54

cool. I think honestly, the only

17:57

bumper sticker is anything I identify a wood pot

17:59

on my car. is related to the stuff we

18:01

make, which is very on brand for me. And

18:04

so on brand for me, I've stopped myself from

18:06

doing it. I think it's where I'm at. That's

18:08

good. That's good that you're able to recognize

18:11

that. And am I hiding my light under a

18:13

bushel? Yes, because if the light

18:15

is out there while you're on the highway, people

18:17

are gonna figure you out and know exactly how

18:19

to get to you. I don't remember that part

18:21

of the song, Griffin, where it's like, this little

18:23

light of mine, better not let people see it.

18:25

I will know everything of value. Be careful out

18:28

there. That song was written pre-cars. That's

18:30

fair. They didn't know what it was like

18:32

there out on the great highway. They didn't know Lightning

18:34

McQueen. They didn't know Tomator. They didn't know these people,

18:36

right? They haven't entered the universe yet.

18:40

On the last car I disposed of,

18:42

I had a bumper sticker on it

18:45

that was from this art collective called

18:47

Mischief. And it was a number, it

18:51

said for a good foot text, this number. And

18:53

it had a phone number on it. And if

18:55

you text the phone number, it would send you

18:57

a AI generated picture

18:59

of a foot. And

19:02

I hope that person got that

19:04

sticker off really quickly. I

19:06

hope that they didn't have to live with that

19:08

at all, whoever ended up with that. I'm just

19:10

saying that I wish we lived in a world

19:12

where like human beings could

19:14

send feed to people instead of it

19:17

being AI. Thank you Travis. Thank you.

19:19

I mean, I'm just saying. Thank you.

19:21

Decriminalize foot pics. Am I right, the

19:23

government? Come on, the government. Come on,

19:26

the government. Come on. Hey,

19:29

I recently moved to a small rural town where

19:31

our delivery driver stops to chat when he delivers

19:33

a package. Every time he drops something off, he

19:35

gives me a small milk bone for the dog.

19:38

I do not have a dog. I

19:41

have accepted several at this point, but

19:43

they're starting to pile up, presumably not

19:45

dogs, presumably milk bones. Milk bones. Yeah.

19:48

How do I convince him to stop giving me

19:50

milk bones? That's for Milkbone Motherload in Michigan. PS,

19:52

I have accepted four milk bones, if

19:55

that helps. God fucking

19:58

slam dunk on the extra needs today. You would

20:00

much rather have too much information to work off

20:02

of than not enough. I will point back to

20:04

Justin's point on the previous question. Perhaps

20:07

the right time to act on this. First

20:10

moment. The first time he said for the dog,

20:12

oh I don't have a dog. What

20:15

a wild thing to try to quell. For the moment you

20:17

didn't say it. You tumbled

20:19

over a ledge. Whoa! And

20:21

the ground's rushing up except

20:23

there's no ground. It's just

20:25

getting weirder. Now if you

20:27

say I don't have a dog, it's

20:29

likely that delivery driver's brain is going to

20:31

fill in any more. Right, yeah. Well here's

20:34

more of those because of how sad you

20:36

are about your dog. These are for future

20:38

dogs. So just off the top of my

20:40

head, next time you get your, when you

20:42

get your fifth bone, you say, I

20:44

can't help myself. And then you

20:46

eat it. And you say, I lied to

20:49

you. I don't have a dog. I love to eat

20:51

these milk bones. They're so good for my gum health.

20:54

A shiny coat. Do

20:57

you order like horse compression socks

20:59

from pets.com because they're the only

21:01

brand that works and then the

21:03

mailman's like, must have a dog.

21:06

What's your vibe like? That

21:10

you have any signage that would indicate there's a

21:12

dog present? Beware of dog. There is a large

21:14

beware of dog sign. Right, just right there. Oh,

21:16

they're talking about that dog, you know. They

21:18

got that dog in them. Beware of dog in me, right?

21:20

Maybe you have a next door neighbor that

21:23

has a barking dog. I mean. Maybe

21:25

a previous tenant. When did we get to a point

21:27

where delivery people are giving like payola

21:30

to dogs? Well, they're trying to

21:32

change dogs opinions. I get that.

21:35

Right. It's like they're trying to turn

21:37

the dog, you know, like the dog

21:39

demographic towards their side at this point.

21:41

You see a lot of like pro

21:43

delivery driver propaganda on like social media

21:45

of like, look how friendly this delivery

21:47

driver was to this dog. And I'm

21:49

like, I'm not buying it. I'm not

21:51

buying it. Maybe

21:54

on the fifth dog bone, you say, okay, I

21:56

think that's enough. Now I'm ready to get a

21:58

dog. Okay. I

22:01

didn't know where to get milk bones. And so

22:03

I was waiting till I had enough milk bones

22:05

to justify getting a dog. There

22:07

is one way out of this. Damn

22:09

it. Damn

22:12

it, question ask her. Justin, are you sure? I

22:14

wish it didn't, no, I am sure, Trav. And

22:17

I wish it didn't have to be this way, but here's

22:19

what you're gonna do. Cause it's the only

22:21

thing less weird than telling them you don't have a dog. When

22:24

they bring that filth milk bone, I'm gonna need

22:26

the fifth milk bone, not the filth milk bone.

22:28

No, that's a different thing. This

22:30

is my filth bone. When

22:34

they bring that fifth milk bone, I'm gonna need you to hold

22:36

it up. I want it to let you look up straight in

22:38

the eye and I'm gonna need you to take a big bite.

22:40

Yes, Kurt. Now I did just

22:43

say that. Moments

22:45

ago, my brother, now

22:47

wait, my brother in Christ, moments ago. I'm

22:52

agreeing with him. I'm agreeing. But

22:54

you set that shit up like you were

22:57

uncorking the seal of some forgotten scroll, not

22:59

that you were saying some pretty funny shit

23:01

that I- Did you hear me? Did you

23:03

hear me? You know what's hard about it?

23:06

You know what's hard about it? I agree

23:08

with the point Justin made earlier. That is

23:10

agreeing. Can I say something though?

23:13

Can I say something about what's happened here?

23:15

This is unavoidable. And let me tell you

23:17

what happens sometimes. Okay. The

23:19

brain needs time to make up

23:21

jokes. Yes, absolutely. The

23:23

only time that brains can make

23:25

up jokes is while the other

23:27

two people are talking, right? Sure.

23:30

So you need to sometimes step,

23:32

and it's a delicate balance. Yeah.

23:35

But sometimes you need to step away from

23:38

the show. The listening, yeah. The

23:40

listening to make up the next

23:42

joke. Now, does this work? Absolutely,

23:44

every time. Full proof. But there's

23:46

one problem. What if

23:48

while you are writing that joke in

23:50

your head, a

23:52

very similar joke is

23:54

being performed at the

23:56

same time? Yeah. This

23:59

is unavoidable. Let's say about our

24:01

relative joke factories, juice,

24:03

that I got there. Well, of course there's an

24:05

overlap. Griffin, there's overlaps in taste, which

24:07

is certainly going to lead us to similar

24:09

conclusions, some of which are, let's be honest,

24:11

self-evident. Yeah, right. But

24:14

I can't be penalized for

24:16

not... I mean, if you think about it really what

24:18

you guys are saying, I can't be

24:21

penalized for not listening to you when

24:23

I'm making up a joke. What

24:25

happens if maybe one of our joke factories

24:27

works a lot faster than the other ones?

24:29

Like wicked facts. And we can't finish listening

24:31

to the thing the person was saying, and

24:33

we have to interrupt them to make that

24:35

joke before the workers go on strike or

24:37

something. Isn't that interesting? That is interesting, and

24:39

that is a different challenge. But it is

24:43

something that we have to struggle with,

24:45

and I worry sometimes the listeners don't

24:48

appreciate the nuance, the effort.

24:53

And I feel like taking people inside a

24:55

little bit can help them understand how that

24:57

kind of thing happens. I get the message

24:59

a lot of it really feels like they're

25:01

competing with each other and not really working

25:03

together. But guys, listen, do you want a

25:05

version of this show that's just listening? No.

25:08

Because that's not going to be very good either. Eventually

25:11

we have to... After the joke factories have made

25:13

the jokes, we got to blast them off. And

25:16

there's no such thing as too much inventory. The

25:18

boss loves when there's too much inventory. I've got

25:20

it, guys. When he hands you the next milk

25:22

boat, take a big bite of it, right? And

25:24

just say, yum, yum, yummy. Yummy,

25:27

yummy, yummy, yummy. I love these things.

25:29

Keep on coming, Daddy. Now Travis, I

25:31

will say... Travis has hit upon something

25:33

interesting. It's called the Rule of Threes.

25:36

Yes. And that means... People forget

25:38

about this. You get the person that

25:40

does the joke the first time, and that's hilarious. Yeah. And

25:43

then you get the person who brings it back the third time, that's hilarious.

25:46

Somebody's got to die. You know what I mean?

25:48

I appreciate your sacrifice. Somebody's going to die. You're

25:50

a martyr. You're a martyr. It's not going to

25:52

land for one of us. And

25:54

I'm happy to jump on that. I've lived

25:56

a good, long, 43-odd years, you know? Yeah.

25:59

I'm fine. more wins. No. I have,

26:01

my kids are healthy, you know. Yeah.

26:04

I appreciate you Justin. I'm glad somebody

26:07

does. Okay. Well. Should

26:10

we go to the money zone? Let's do it.

26:14

Let's appreciate them. It's

26:21

better. It's better with

26:24

you. Shimes

26:26

is back in the in the

26:28

house with us today. Wow.

26:30

I love these little sticky

26:33

guys. When

26:35

when I have to go to the post

26:37

office. Yeah. I have to eat. I

26:40

well it's there's it's kind of

26:43

annoying. I'd rather not

26:45

soak me in your tea. The street

26:47

is like. Swear me around like a

26:49

biscotti. This is the street to the

26:51

post office where my house

26:54

has like a split in the middle of

26:56

it. So I can't turn left into the

26:58

post office. Yeah. I have to do this

27:00

U-turn maneuver or I have to go this

27:02

really circuitous route to get to it. Drag

27:04

them. I would much rather not leave my

27:06

house generally speaking as a

27:08

rule and stamps.com is here to help

27:10

me. Travis this horny man for stamp.

27:12

How was that horny? Yeah. It's a

27:15

little much. It's a little it's

27:17

a little much and I get that's not

27:19

me saying that Travis that's Trump's saying that

27:21

they sent me a text message saying Travis

27:23

is being too weird about it. Okay. I'll

27:25

try to be more normal. Tell me stamps.com.

27:27

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27:29

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27:31

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27:35

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27:38

gotta get your computer printer and you print out the thing

27:40

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27:42

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27:46

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27:51

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28:01

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28:03

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28:06

a deep, damn it. I never can make

28:08

it through that sentence. There's a

28:10

lot of, it's a great deal with a lot of

28:12

words in it that are just, yeah, a lot of

28:14

short, right? A lot of short. She's too good to

28:16

be true. And your mouth doesn't want to say it.

28:18

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it's digital. What? Digital

28:24

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28:26

Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top

28:29

of the page and enter code my brother. Oh,

28:33

who's that? Who's that little guy popping

28:35

up there? Is that Justin's foot? Oh, hey guys.

28:38

Hey, how's it going? Justin, you're

28:41

extraordinarily flexible. Yeah, actually kind

28:43

of. I'm feeling really comfortable

28:45

today. I'm actually really weirded

28:47

out picturing the geography of your body right

28:50

now. I'm wearing one of my favorite shirts.

28:54

Oh, a shirt for a foot is a sock. Yeah.

28:57

Okay, I got you. That's your

29:00

hand in that sock. Sorry, what? Okay,

29:03

the logo is on the side. No, that's a foot.

29:06

I don't understand what you're saying. So wait, that's your foot bending

29:08

back. Do that shit again. Your foot bends back. No,

29:11

God, is that your right foot? Hey,

29:13

everybody, I'd prefer to be. Justin,

29:15

your toes are extraordinarily fast. How

29:17

are you bending a better foot? You're

29:20

always talking to Justin. Why'd you talk

29:22

to me? Jesus Christ. Fuck. As soon

29:24

as the heel dropped out of frame, my brain

29:26

couldn't handle it. It's like that picture, you know, the

29:28

model where it spins around, it's like, which side is the

29:30

back, which is the front? I don't know what I'm looking

29:32

at. Is it a goose or a witch? Justin,

29:35

your toe's bent back to a

29:37

nearly 90 degree angle. His foot is to

29:39

his ear, folks. What is going on with

29:41

your body, my man? You guys are struggling.

29:43

So I'm gonna take the sock off. Because

29:46

I think you're having- No, no, now it's

29:48

illegal, Justin. Now it's illegal. Now we

29:50

can't show it. Now we have

29:52

to blur that out if we use this video. Yeah,

29:55

it says huge comfort. Is that someone else's

29:57

foot? It's my foot! Let

29:59

me talk. about the fucking sauce! But there's

30:01

no way that's your foot! They're comfortable!

30:04

They don't cost a lot of money.

30:06

They give them to people experiencing homelessness

30:09

when you buy one. They're a great sauce.

30:11

It's bombus. Bombus. It's bombus, and I'm sorry

30:13

I tried to bring my foot into it.

30:15

Yeah, thank you. I'm sorry. It's

30:18

a fine foot juice. I'm not upset about the foot.

30:21

I'm upset with the ways that you're able to orbit

30:23

if you want your body to get out of there.

30:25

That one wasn't my foot, and that's what's fucking me

30:27

up. And you gotta stop

30:29

referencing stuff people can't see, trial. We take

30:32

video, Justin. It's distracting in the audio. There's

30:34

no way to stay on TikTok. Your feet

30:36

make up, you're maybe only perfect. It's not

30:38

on TikTok. Your toes are in a perfect

30:41

cascade, my man. It's an- I'm

30:43

enjoying everything about- But why is it,

30:45

what's it doing in front of your head? It

30:47

is, don't mess with the Zohan over in

30:50

Justin's studio right now. It's

30:55

incredible. Get both of them

30:57

up there. What? No,

31:00

don't. Bombas has the best comfort,

31:03

the best style. We wear them every

31:05

day. They're incredible. They really are. I'm picky about

31:07

socks. Like a certain height, like a certain

31:09

amount of tension. And

31:11

once I dialed into my fit

31:13

and style of Bombas, it's all

31:15

all wear. They're fantastic. They fit

31:17

Justin's insanely flexible chimpanzee feet. And

31:20

that's huge. Get comfy this spring

31:22

and give back with Bombas. Head

31:24

on over to bombas.com/my brother

31:26

and use code my brother

31:29

for 20% off your first

31:31

purchase. That's bombas.com, B-O-M-B-A-S, dot

31:35

com slash my brother, and use code

31:37

my brother at checkout. People

31:43

say not to judge a fish by its ability

31:45

to climb a tree. Which is

31:47

why here on Just The Zoo Of Us, we judge

31:49

them by so much more. We

31:52

rate animals out of 10 in

31:54

the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics,

31:56

taking into consideration each animal's true strengths.

31:58

Like a pig. the religion's ability to

32:01

tell a Monet from a Picasso or

32:03

a polar bear's ability to play basketball.

32:05

Guests, experts like biologists, ecologists, and more

32:07

join us to share their unique insight

32:10

into the animals' world. Listen

32:12

with friends and family of all

32:14

ages on maximumfun.org or wherever you

32:16

get podcasts. I'm

32:21

Dan McCoy. I'm

32:28

Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin. And together

32:30

we are The Flophouse, a long-running podcast

32:32

on the MaximumFun network where we watch

32:35

a bad movie and then talk about

32:37

it. And because we're so long-running,

32:39

maybe you haven't given us a chance. I

32:41

get it. But you don't actually have to

32:43

know anything about previous episodes to enjoy us,

32:45

and I promise you that if you find

32:48

our voices irritating, we grow endearing over time.

32:50

Perhaps you listened to one of our old

32:52

episodes and decided that we were dumb and

32:54

immature. Well, we've been doing this a while

32:56

now. We have become smarter and more mature

32:58

and generally nicer to Dan. But we are

33:01

only humans, so no promises. Find

33:03

The Flophouse on maximumfun.org or

33:06

wherever you get podcasts. I

33:21

want a munch squad. Welcome

33:31

to Munch Squad. It's a podcast within

33:33

a podcast profiling the latest and greatest

33:35

in brand eating. And today we're taking

33:38

it back to where it all started,

33:41

White Castle. And

33:43

it's where it all ended. Wait, what

33:45

started at White Castle? Fast

33:48

food just as an idea. Huh.

33:51

Juice, I'm looking at these guys and I

33:53

don't know what they are. Before you tell

33:55

me what they are, I'm not gonna tell

33:57

you. You have to tell me

33:59

what. listeners at home. When

34:02

you see a promotional photo

34:04

from a fast food place,

34:07

they do all of these little tricks to make

34:09

the food look as advertising as possible. I saw

34:12

a thing once about like McDonald's burgers and like

34:14

the stuff they would spray on them and like

34:16

the filler they would put on them and how

34:18

they would like spread things apart with like toothpicks

34:21

and stuff. This is the most

34:24

depressing, unappetizing,

34:26

this could be a still

34:28

life about like depression.

34:31

Yeah, what it is is you see three

34:34

cutting boards on top of each other and then

34:37

spilling down them is what looks like if

34:40

you took cake doughnuts and stomp

34:43

them flat to remove every bit

34:45

of joy and life that they

34:47

might contain. Like powdered sugar, these

34:50

are chicken rings guys. Oh

34:52

my god. White Castle is bringing

34:54

back that hidden Valley

34:57

Ranch chicken rings and

34:59

is introducing smoky BBQ.

35:01

Okay, so they've done

35:03

this before? Yeah, so

35:05

here's I think a

35:08

pretty wild way to start. White

35:10

Castle is giving chicken and value

35:12

the royal treatment with

35:14

the return of hidden Valley Ranch

35:16

chicken rings and the introduction

35:18

of smoky BBQ chicken rings. I

35:21

will say you

35:23

may be giving the

35:25

idea of value the

35:27

royal treatment, whatever that means, but

35:30

I'm pretty sure that if there was a

35:32

king of chickens, he

35:35

would not be, unless he was deposed,

35:38

a mad, desperate, dethroned in some

35:40

way. Yeah, like a Nero

35:43

as chicken as rings. Yeah, ringed. I'm

35:45

also just looking at these and I'm

35:47

sorry to come back to the flatness

35:49

of them. I've seen chickens. I've

35:52

seen the chicken. Yeah, not an

35:54

inherently flat creature. Nor tubular.

35:56

Nor tubular. So the things that would

35:58

have to The process of this, these

36:00

are like a half inch thick, I

36:02

would say, if you're having a actualizing.

36:04

Yeah. I mean, if that, but but but

36:06

Trav, the problem is, I know

36:09

what you're suggesting, but it becomes

36:11

almost instantly a chicken doughnut and

36:14

they can't sell it. But what I'm saying is they

36:16

can't sell it. Breaded and fried. They're battered and fried.

36:18

I can tell you just by looking at this, that

36:21

the batter to chicken ratio on this is

36:24

abhorrent. They're trying to give you, they're trying to

36:26

stretch chicken as far as it goes. They don't

36:28

have a lot of them left. And they have

36:31

stretched, they have stretched it into a sort of

36:33

four dimensional torus shape, which is yes. Well, I'm

36:35

also flattening it. How do you stretch and flatten

36:37

at the same time? It's amazing. The

36:40

hidden, the Hidden Valley Ranch chicken rings

36:42

are dusted with authentic Hidden Valley

36:45

Ranch seasoning, a tangy

36:47

blend of garlic and chives with just

36:49

the right touch of buttermilk. I'm sorry.

36:52

Did you a press release

36:55

for chicken rings at White Castle just presume

36:57

to tell me what Hidden

36:59

Valley Ranch seasoning? What is ranch? What is

37:01

ranch? You don't need, that's not your department.

37:04

So you don't know what ranch is, but

37:06

you're reading about chicken rings. I would also,

37:08

I would just, once again, not

37:10

to point out the futility of man, but

37:13

it's not like combining ranch

37:15

with dipable chicken

37:18

shapes is out of it. It's not

37:21

like before this, I didn't know how

37:23

to get ranch flavor onto my chicken.

37:25

Okay. But Travis, you've just

37:27

said something incredibly wrong, wrongheaded and wronghearted,

37:29

which is that I think that fried

37:31

breaded chicken is the most dipable food

37:33

substance on the earth. And

37:35

the circle is the

37:37

least dipable shape. That

37:40

is true. That is available

37:42

to us. I need something long

37:44

and stick like in order to really get

37:46

down in there. I mean, even a square

37:48

would have corners. Yeah. These

37:51

are not about dipping. I don't think maybe

37:53

no, clearly they had to find a different

37:55

way to incorporate the ranch flavor because

37:58

now we've got like a manhole covers. situation

38:00

of like we made them circular so they

38:02

can't fall through the hole. That's

38:04

what we're dealing with here. This next

38:06

sentence, the chicken

38:08

rings showcase our culinary team's

38:10

creativity through bold flavors that

38:13

promise to take your

38:15

taste buds on a wild

38:17

ride. Says chef Phillip Buck,

38:19

then chef at White Castle.

38:21

Hey pal, you put

38:23

ranch on chicken. You

38:26

need to hold on to your ass.

38:29

We're making a left turn. Hey

38:31

listen, every single person on this

38:33

call has created

38:36

two human beings that have discovered this

38:38

innovation on their own. You

38:40

put, let's just calm down. You didn't

38:42

even come up with your own ranch.

38:44

You just went to Kroger and

38:46

got the Hidden Valley. Okay, these

38:50

crafted seasonings, crafted

38:52

seasonings. Isn't that they're not naturally

38:55

occurring in nature? I guess like I can't

38:57

go to a cave and find

38:59

a ranch deposit and scrape some dust

39:01

off of it. I guess in that

39:04

sense, it's an artisanal good. We've been

39:06

strip mining Ranch Mountain for years. The

39:08

Moana sequel is all about her finding

39:12

an island of ranch nut trees that

39:14

her people can farm for the

39:16

delicious ranch within. It's

39:20

the Hidden Valley. We were way

39:22

finders. The

39:26

chicken rings versatility allows crav- Okay

39:30

guys, sorry back up. I

39:32

got another run at that, I got lost. Yeah,

39:34

I'm gonna stop. The images,

39:36

I think too much. Yeah. The

39:40

chicken rings versatility allows

39:42

cravers to pair them

39:44

with their favorite White Castle sliders

39:47

or enjoy them as the main

39:49

entree. Okay. Okay.

39:54

Saying it's not a meal unless it is.

39:57

So am I a cravver? You're-

40:00

We're a cravver. We're all cravers. Can I tell you

40:02

how that first part of that sentence hit me first,

40:04

Jus, of pairing it with a White Castle entree? I

40:07

thought they were suggesting that the circular shape

40:09

meant that you could slip slide this into

40:11

any sandwich or burger that is awfully- Like

40:14

physically paired? Like physically it can- It's

40:16

the Tim bit that goes inside. I

40:18

think that's less disturbing to me than like, you

40:20

know how you might get onion rings or fries

40:23

with a burger, instead just get a side of

40:25

chicken. Yeah, and chicken. We're

40:28

removing any semblance of like, there's

40:30

a vegetable attached here. It's the

40:32

kind of shit that you just

40:34

don't see as much in Munch

40:36

Squad anymore, where people are just

40:38

fully word salad their

40:41

way through an entire press release.

40:43

I mean, what is it? The

40:45

chicken rings versatility, okay? The

40:47

fact that it's a ring of chicken, I guess- Yeah.

40:50

It can do anything. Allows cravers,

40:53

that's wild, to pair them with

40:55

their favorite White Castle sliders. Maybe

40:59

they mean like literally it, like you open up,

41:01

is that it? That's what I'm wondering. Or open

41:03

up the sliders like- Maybe it means like, have

41:05

you squished it in the middle? They're cheap enough,

41:07

bud, get them as a side. No,

41:09

no, no, but it's set, no, but that's not what the sentence

41:11

is saying, Travis. The sentence is saying, the

41:13

versatile shape of this chicken

41:16

meat makes it great

41:18

to go with the burgers. And it's

41:21

like, why would the circular shape have

41:23

anything to do with, I

41:25

don't go to the fast food restaurant and say, let

41:27

me get, well, I have to have one circle and

41:29

one square in here. Many

41:32

vegetables are circles when you take a slice of

41:34

them. So perhaps they're saying there's a good way

41:36

to trick your brain into thinking it's having vegetables.

41:38

Maybe, maybe. This is,

41:41

hey guys, they're also the perfect treat

41:43

during a visit to Night Castle. What?

41:46

Sorry, what? Sorry, sorry,

41:48

what? They're also the perfect treat during

41:51

a visit to Night Castle. Is that the vampire?

41:54

Like what? I'm gonna tell you,

41:56

it's a late night Oasis where customers can

41:58

order any menu favorite any time. Huh more

42:01

than two-thirds of White castles are open 24-7 now guys

42:03

what time Does

42:07

White Castle become Night Castle? This is not

42:10

in the press release I'm asking you for

42:13

you if you bring your you're not gonna bring your

42:15

family to Night Castle a late night That's

42:20

adults only in your heart when

42:22

does White Castle become Night Castle

42:24

What time did Adult Swim start on

42:27

Cartoon Network? Yeah, I'm thinking of the

42:29

F I think FCC Decency laws kick

42:31

off at 10 So I'm gonna say

42:33

10 p.m. Is when we get night.

42:35

I would like to imagine though that

42:37

one could track sundown and See

42:40

the darkness move across the city

42:42

and maybe that's it the darkness

42:44

touches That's go White

42:46

Castle they something flips not

42:48

necessarily mechanically But emotionally and

42:51

mentally in the hearts and

42:53

minds of the employees it

42:55

just becomes galactic bowling in

43:00

The fluorescence kick on see

43:02

the black lights what time choose I Have

43:08

in like after rehearsals I have

43:10

had my kids out past 10

43:12

p.m There's a reality at

43:14

which I could bring my kids into not we

43:16

don't have White Castles There's a reality

43:18

wish but I do think it should feel frightening

43:21

Yeah, I feel like if I bring my like

43:23

I feel like it's okay for me to bring

43:25

them at Night Castle if I feel Unwelcome. Yeah,

43:28

I just don't want to feel safe. Just so

43:30

when you say frightening Do you mean like spooky

43:32

frightening or like I'm not welcoming I don't like

43:34

not safe like kids stay close Yeah, this is

43:36

like this is the night. Okay. I let's normalize

43:40

names of restaurants or businesses

43:43

that are somewhat occult and

43:45

fantastical and scary I Think

43:47

that when you're driving down the street and

43:49

it's your first time in a place that

43:52

has any fast food and you see McDonald's

43:54

or Burger King or the Night Castle Yeah

44:00

I would say if I went to a

44:02

fast food restaurant called the Night Castle, I'm

44:04

being promised a certain experience. Yeah. That

44:07

just a regular White Castle experience would not

44:09

satisfy me. I feel like their

44:12

first opening offer on that name was Weed's

44:14

Joint City, a place for stoners to come

44:16

after they smoked weed. And then they're like,

44:18

okay, that's a bit much. We need to

44:20

step it back a bit. All

44:22

right, boys, these come

44:25

in orders of 12. That's so

44:27

much. Wait, it's so much. I'm going

44:29

to count to three. And after I

44:31

say three, I want you to both

44:33

say the dollar amount that you would

44:35

pay. Not that you would pay, but

44:37

you think it's being asked for 12 chicken eggs. Yes,

44:39

I got you. Easy.

44:42

I'm ready. One, two, three. $4

44:48

is the value of getting the royal treatment.

44:50

That's too little. It's too

44:52

little. It's too little, guys. You've got to...

44:54

How big are they? Whatever you need to

44:56

do to these things to make them cost

44:58

a dollar more, I think it's worth that.

45:01

I think it's worth whatever a dollar better

45:03

is. On the thickness, I have not paid

45:05

any attention to the diameter. I need to

45:07

see these in a human hand. I mean,

45:09

they're slider size. I mean, they're slider size.

45:11

You know what I mean? Like,

45:14

they go on a White Castle slider, which is... Okay,

45:16

cool. So they're little chicken. Okay, cool. They

45:18

look huge in this picture. These are some

45:21

little ass cutting boards. I thought for sure

45:23

these were like full donut sized. Yeah.

45:26

They're not even really cutting boards. They're just kind of boards. Yeah. They

45:29

look like cedar planks. What is the... When

45:31

was it decided? What was the focus

45:34

group that led to this sort of

45:36

pervasive idea in the fast casual space

45:39

that we all want to be touching our

45:41

chicken more? That we all need to be

45:43

touching our chicken more? Because I like my

45:45

chicken at the end of a fork where

45:47

it's... Greases and juices

45:49

can't get on my... Yeah, but kids are going

45:51

to wear them like rings. They're going to have

45:54

the time of their lives. That's actually not tantalizing

45:56

me, rather it... I've seen what

45:58

my kids touch on a day to day.

46:00

It sucks, it sucks almost universally, but I

46:02

don't want, here's foods that is okay to

46:05

touch. Bread, full

46:07

whole fruit, obviously

46:09

candy, Even then full whole

46:12

fruit becomes a minefield as you take bites off

46:14

of it. I don't wanna pick up, when I

46:16

get my steak at the nice

46:18

restaurants I go to, like Roost

46:20

Crist or Applebee's, I don't, with

46:22

my hands, it's a nice pork chop. You

46:24

put it between two beans of bread, and then you can touch it. Yeah,

46:27

if it was a steak sandwich, yeah, thank you so

46:29

much Travis, that is true. I don't wanna touch my,

46:31

I don't wanna touch my fried chicken, I've put away

46:33

my childish things, unless they're covered in nasty wet sauce,

46:36

in which case the only option is to touch it

46:38

with my fingers. I would say in

46:41

the classic Munch Squad style of sending

46:43

a novel when a telegram would do,

46:46

this press release continues on. What?

46:49

Just about other things going on over

46:51

at White Castle, and the last two

46:53

paragraphs are really, I mean,

46:55

pushing, like it doesn't even take ink to make

46:57

these, and I feel like it might've been a

46:59

waste. Just

47:01

in time for warmer weather and large

47:04

gatherings, White Castle is selling its Minute

47:06

Maid lemonade, tea, and new

47:08

High Sea Tropical in half gallon

47:10

jugs. There's a flavor for

47:13

every crave. Okay? Yeah

47:15

man, cool dude. Fine.

47:17

There's all like, fucking

47:19

hell man, if I showed up with a

47:21

half gallon of High Sea, what

47:24

human on the planet is like,

47:26

where did you get? Oh,

47:28

thank God, my crave. White Castle, I was craving

47:31

that flavor. And here's last one. Can I also

47:33

say, if someone said, where did you get that,

47:35

and you don't answer the store, The

47:38

store. But rather, I went to White

47:40

Castle, The White Castle restaurant. to purchase

47:42

a half gallon jug of High Sea,

47:46

and nothing else? Yeah,

47:48

like when my father-in-law goes to Frost Top

47:50

to buy a beer by the jug, because

47:52

it's better there. Hey listen, here's

47:55

the last paragraph, and this one, I

47:57

am pretty convinced is some sort of

47:59

activation. for a material and candidate style

48:02

plant in society because I can't parse

48:04

it. The number for the

48:06

summer season at White Castle is nine.

48:09

Shareable meal number nine

48:11

features 10 steam

48:14

grilled original sliders, 20

48:16

lightly breaded all white meat chicken

48:18

rings, and one sack of crispy

48:20

crinkle cup fries. Shareable meal

48:23

number nine is the perfect option

48:25

for cravers looking to feed their

48:27

family without breaking a sweat or

48:29

the bank. Shareable meal

48:32

number nine. Nine. Dolphin

48:34

per simon. It

48:36

has 10. Right? Like, okay,

48:39

why do you have others? Why

48:41

are you shouting out one thing on

48:43

your, why have nine of them then,

48:45

right? Like, why are we saying, there's

48:47

a lot on the menu, but fuck

48:49

that. We're gonna give you

48:52

the hack to our thing. You

48:55

just go get number nine. It's

48:57

got 10 shareable rings

48:59

of chicken and other meats. You're

49:02

gonna, that tastes so weird, you wish

49:04

they cost more. God,

49:08

I gotta stop recording this show hungry though, cause

49:10

I would actually tear down some. I did this

49:12

droids one. I'll eat anything with Hidden Valley

49:14

Ranch on it. I would just prefer not to touch it with

49:17

my. You got White Castles in your neck of the woods, right?

49:20

I don't know, man. I don't actually know if

49:22

I do. It's not an oddity. I'm gonna check DoorDash for you

49:24

guys right now. Start the next question. Please

49:27

don't do it, please don't do it. I don't have that

49:29

crave center in my brain. I have a huge Rolodex in

49:31

my brain of like, I'll flip through and be like, yeah,

49:35

I do want frosted animal crackers. Like I'll hit

49:37

that. White Castle's not

49:39

included in that Rolodex. It hasn't earned its

49:41

spot there, I don't think. I'm

49:45

a greenskeeper at a golf course when walking

49:47

through the Clubhouse restaurant, two waitresses asked me

49:49

what I think would be a good nickname

49:51

for a recently hired person. Later,

49:54

I connected the dots and realized they

49:56

likely used nicknames for everyone in the

49:58

greens crew and I'm dying in. know

50:00

what my name is, should I ask? What

50:07

if it's like piss, piss, piss man? What if it

50:10

is piss man? Here's, okay.

50:13

What if they heard you pee weird one time and

50:15

get piss man for it? What if it's hunky muscles?

50:17

Oh, what if it is hunky muscles? Now listen, here's

50:19

what has occurred to me. These two

50:21

people have asked me this thing. They do

50:23

not know enough about this other person to

50:26

come up with their own nickname. So perhaps

50:28

the nicknames is a way to not have

50:30

to memorize new names, but you're the one

50:33

that they stopped and asked. That's the weird

50:35

part. Chances are they know your name. They,

50:38

I doubt they use a nickname for you. What

50:41

if, but the question answered didn't specify if they

50:43

were like, hey, fuck stick. What do you think

50:45

would be a good nickname? Well, then you wouldn't

50:48

have to ask what your nickname is. They shit

50:50

bird. I think it would be pretty clear. There's

50:52

two folks at my work that when they come up to

50:54

me, they call me fuck stick and shit bird and piss

50:56

man. I don't know how to

50:58

deal. They asked me a question, but I was

51:01

honestly so struck. Out of those three, which one

51:03

would you guys prefer? Fuck stick,

51:06

piss man. Shit bird or piss man.

51:09

Shit bird. How is shit bird? Really? See, I

51:11

would have said piss man. Shit bird. No, no,

51:13

no. You don't want to be pissed. Piss man's

51:15

the worst one. Fuck, fuck sticks too much pressure. Fuck

51:17

sticks too much pressure. Fuck sticks too

51:19

gross. They won't feel comfortable calling you that

51:21

in front of anybody else. Anybody. You

51:24

can say piss man in front of anybody. Piss

51:26

man, there's a story. There's a reason for piss

51:29

man. Oh, that's a good point. Would you rather

51:31

be, okay, would you rather be piss man or

51:33

piss boy? Piss man. Piss

51:36

boy is fun, I feel like. Piss

51:38

boy implies you clean up piss. There's something about

51:40

that that makes you think I'm the one in

51:42

charge of cleaning up piss. Piss man, I put

51:44

the piss there. In front of the piss man,

51:47

I made that piss. I

51:49

made control of the situation. I'm in control of the situation

51:51

and I'm one at the way I like it. Piss

51:53

man, I answered to no one. Piss

51:57

boy just got caught up in the excitement. He's

52:00

gotten carried away. He's a child. He

52:02

has no impulse control. He has

52:05

to work his way up the ranks, right?

52:07

That seems like the bottom rank of some

52:09

old-timey sailing ship. Pissman? Yes.

52:12

Now you're a man with a

52:14

responsibility. Pissboy should know better. Pissman

52:16

does know better, but does it

52:18

anyway. Senior pissman would be good

52:20

at Captain Piss. Captain Piss. Piss

52:23

captain and Captain Piss are two different. We've actually said

52:25

that word too many times now. Oh, have I? Yeah,

52:28

we gotta move on. Yeah, you're right. Sorry.

52:30

What name did you give him for the other person? And

52:33

this is the big gap

52:36

in our knowledge that unfortunately this person

52:38

has not shown us the decency that

52:40

prior question-askers in this very episode have

52:42

done. There has to have been,

52:45

you have to feel, you feel guilty about

52:47

this. There's something to me that is

52:49

weird about the idea of like, hey,

52:52

that new person, let's like

52:54

randomly generate a nickname for

52:56

them. Yes. And

52:59

that's off of like knowing that they've worked here for like a

53:01

week or whatever. That feels arbitrary.

53:03

A nickname to me has to come in

53:06

the mud. It has

53:08

to be there, right? You gotta find it. I

53:10

don't think you can just like, well, they wear a

53:12

red shirt so we'll call them like red shirt man

53:14

or whatever, right? You gotta wait for something to happen.

53:17

Unless it's a hat every day. Do

53:20

you guys like hat every day as a play? No.

53:24

What are they hiding? No, it's

53:26

not even, I don't care about that. For

53:28

me personally, I couldn't wear a hat every, I

53:30

do have a hat. You guys have a true

53:32

story. One time at Super Week, which is a

53:34

week long church camp that we went to in

53:36

Glenville State, which is at the geographical center of

53:38

West Virginia, Glenville State College. I

53:41

had this kid I met

53:43

and we were friends and

53:45

every day he wore an Atlanta Braves hat, which

53:47

is of course a strike against him, but he

53:50

wore an Atlanta Braves hat every day and we were friends and,

53:52

but he was from another church. I had never met him before.

53:56

On day five, I put together a later

54:00

he stopped wearing the hat and

54:03

I couldn't find him again. Oh no! I

54:06

had it, I had it pay close enough

54:08

attention to this person. I just kind of

54:10

clocked his like, brave guy! And I was

54:12

like, and I couldn't find him. I'd never

54:14

got touched that fool again. He lost his

54:16

time. Man, that gives so much credibility to

54:18

the Superman Clark Kent glasses thing. Like

54:21

you think they'd be like, I know that

54:23

person, but Justin lost sight of somebody because

54:25

they took their hat off. And

54:28

then like a baby, Justin forgot who

54:30

they were and that they existed and everything. And I

54:32

know some people have challenges with faces. This

54:35

is not that. That's not that. This is

54:37

old fashioned rudeness. What if they're listening right

54:39

now? What if they just heard

54:42

that and they're like, I thought I'd done something wrong.

54:44

This is so much closure. Oh, we wouldn't even think

54:46

of a thing. Yeah. I'm not actually looking

54:48

for any new friends right now, but it would be... He

54:50

would be an old friend though, Justin. This is a friend,

54:52

this is a gold friend. Oh man, I'm

54:54

not sure if we have a grandfather clause over here, especially

54:56

if he was at a church camp with me in the

54:58

mid 90s. I don't know. Dude, that vibe

55:00

would be... You came out the other side? What?

55:03

That vibe would be why I would love

55:05

to reconnect with some of my old church

55:07

camp buddies to just see like where the

55:09

paths diverged and

55:13

how far sort of we ended up

55:15

from each other spiritually. We're back to

55:17

the center. Let's be honest. I

55:21

think it'd be easier to find people our age

55:23

who maybe grew up in the church and aren't

55:25

there anymore. Via this

55:27

show, if they're listening to this show.

55:30

Yeah, that's true. Can

55:33

we end? Yeah. Looking

55:37

at these chicken rings has genuinely made me

55:39

irredeemably wrathless. You're really hungry, of course. Like

55:41

why wouldn't you be? I mean, I roasted

55:43

a chicken last night, I'm very excited to

55:45

eat the lettuce. Oh, fantastic. I'm so glad.

55:47

A spatch cocktail, a did like lemon thyme.

55:50

Have you thought about cutting it into a little ring? Ooh.

55:54

Huh. Hey, innovative. The storm

55:56

here is bad and I'm getting some flickering lights.

55:58

So let's try to. to get out of this.

56:01

Let's end this shit. Let's wrap it up. Hey

56:03

everybody. Hey everybody. Go to

56:05

bit.ly slash Macaroid Tours and

56:08

you can get tickets for places

56:10

such as Kansas City, Missouri on

56:12

June 21st, My Brother, My Brother

56:14

Me. June 22nd, St. Louis, Missouri,

56:16

My Brother, My Brother Me. June

56:19

23rd, Tysons, Virginia, My Brother, My

56:21

Brother Me. We're also in July,

56:23

Detroit and Cleveland. In August, we're

56:25

at Gen Con. September, Orlando and

56:27

Atlanta. October, Denver and Phoenix. November,

56:30

Indianapolis and Milwaukee. Once again, it's

56:32

bit.ly slash Macaroid Tours for tickets and

56:34

more information. We got

56:36

some new merch over at macaroidmerch.com including a

56:39

gorgeous fungalore poster designed

56:41

by Will O'Quillion. 10% of all

56:43

proceeds this month will

56:46

go to Equality Florida, which is dedicated

56:48

to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ

56:50

community. Thank you so

56:52

much to Montaigne for the use of our theme song,

56:54

My Life is Better With You. My Life is Better

56:56

With This Song in it and with

56:59

this one picture of chicken rings that I

57:02

can't stop looking at. I want to mention

57:05

here in a couple weeks or yeah,

57:07

a little less than a week. That's

57:10

not terrifying at all. Sydney

57:12

and I directed Charlie the Chocolate Factory

57:14

starring one Clint McElroy as Grandpa

57:17

Joe. You can see that the

57:20

14th through the 16th and the 21st

57:24

through the 23rd, that's

57:26

here in Huntington. We'll

57:29

skip a weekend after that and the two

57:31

weekends after that, July 5th and July 12th,

57:33

those weekends Sydney and I are going to

57:35

be in Escape to Margaritaville,

57:39

Jimmy Buffet's own. If

57:41

you can get out there, hartofwv.org

57:43

is the website where you can

57:45

go get tickets. So, Dad's going to

57:47

play like an aged relative who

57:49

just sits around doing nothing, kind of

57:52

milking off his like younger relative

57:54

success. Believe it or not, you don't

57:56

own that. Nastiness

58:00

I don't I love my dad very much. I

58:02

basically do a great job. You don't have to

58:04

be like that Cool.

58:06

I want to seem cool. I made a lot of

58:08

new friends at church camp But I'm gonna seem cool

58:10

in front of my boy my dad fungal or I

58:12

would like to send up please start home I

58:17

wish my students would stop calling me

58:19

a cocoa melon head looking ass I'm

58:22

Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin

58:24

McElroy. My brother my

58:26

brother may kiss your

58:29

dad square on the

58:31

lips It's

58:51

better, it's better with

58:53

you My life Ahh

59:01

It's better with you