0:00

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

0:06

And their advice should never be

0:08

followed. Oh, Travis

0:10

insists he's a sexpert. But

0:14

if there's a degree on his wall, I

0:16

haven't seen it. Also,

0:18

this show isn't for kids, which I mention

0:21

only so the babies out there will

0:23

know how cool they are for listening. What's

0:27

up, you cool baby? One,

0:29

two, three, four. It's

0:32

the start of something

0:34

beautiful. A

0:37

small acquaintance has blossom. It's rapping

0:39

into a precious friendship. I

0:43

could have never seen what was coming for

0:45

me. Hangs at the

0:47

skate park, hangs by the

0:50

beach. My life, it feels

0:52

like life. Life,

0:58

it's better, it's better with you. My

1:01

life, it's

1:04

better, it's better with you. This

1:07

is true. It's

1:10

better, it's better with you.

1:13

Life, it's better

1:15

with you. Hello,

1:20

welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice show for

1:22

the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin. Justin

1:27

Tyler McElroy. You

1:32

all don't know how lucky you are. That was the first time

1:34

Justin and Griffin have ever hugged and you got to see it.

1:37

What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middle-est

1:40

brother. Travis,

1:43

big dog, a wolf

1:46

of McElroy. What's

1:50

up, Trav Nation? I'm your

1:52

sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Thank

1:55

you. You guys can't thank you so much. You

2:02

guys can't have a fucking duo hug

2:04

over there while I sit and watch

2:06

and I don't also get one. It

2:08

was out of play. It didn't exclude

2:10

you. We didn't set it up. We stayed out. We

2:12

were bowing to the audience. We were

2:14

waving. You daddled

2:17

back to your safe chair as quick

2:19

as you could. Everybody who watched, it

2:21

was super organic, right? It wasn't like planned,

2:23

right? It was just like, oh my

2:25

gosh, let's hug. You know what I mean? We weren't

2:28

waiting for you to sit down before we... I

2:30

turned. I turned. You were gone.

2:33

Yeah. We're on their time now. I'm

2:35

trying to give them as much show

2:38

as we possibly can. I am the

2:40

show. Yeah, but not... Some

2:46

of you. Can

2:48

I just say it is lovely

2:50

to be back here in the Pantages Theatre,

2:53

which we have only just recently learned. This

2:55

is how Paul walked us in to this

2:57

theatre tonight at soundcheck. Okay,

3:00

and how are the lights looking? Sorry, no,

3:02

wait. Well, Griff, you said how do the lights sound? I

3:05

did say that. So now we have to...

3:07

Go ahead and... Well, they're not professionals. They don't

3:09

know. And the behind the scenes kind of lingo

3:11

we hear. And this is what the

3:13

Q&A mic is going to look like. There are five ghosts

3:15

here and the

3:17

monitors will be about that loud. Just

3:20

casually dropping that

3:22

there's a quintet of ghosts here.

3:24

Which isn't even true because Warren, who is very

3:27

lovely, Warren here at the theatre walked us through

3:29

the ghosts. Oh, yes. And

3:31

like started listening off and I was like,

3:33

here's one, here's two, here's four. One is

3:36

Mr. Pantages himself, so congrats. Quick,

3:38

quick, he's number one up in the balcony. If

3:40

you're up in that zone, that's where he likes

3:42

to be. I didn't know

3:44

Pantages was like named after a person. I thought it was just

3:46

a name that came up over the theatre. So

3:48

he said Mr. Pantages. It sounded like

3:51

Mr. Fantastic. Or Mr. Boombastic. Or

3:53

Mr. Peanut. He

3:57

has other theatres, but he picked this one to haunt. Very

4:00

nice. Gotta feel good about that, Tacoma. But it's

4:02

actually, there's four ghosts, and then the

4:04

fifth one was a couple. That's

4:06

two ghosts. I

4:10

don't like if me and my

4:12

lady love perish together tragically, they're

4:14

gonna count us as one ghost. I

4:18

would accept 1.5 of a ghost if

4:20

they always show up together. Yeah, codependent.

4:23

Yeah. One of the

4:25

ghosts is an usher, and Warren told us

4:27

that people have told him that they were

4:29

about to fall, and then luckily that usher

4:32

helped me, and then they're like, there is

4:34

no usher here, which is like, that

4:37

kind of sounds like ghosts taking American

4:39

jobs. A little bit. Yeah,

4:42

we need like no shade of the Pantages,

4:44

but I think you should pay your staff.

4:47

So that ghosts... Do not rely on ghosts to

4:49

do that for you. I would also make the

4:51

argument, if that person was about to fall, and

4:54

a ghost usher saved them, and you're like, we

4:56

don't have an usher, there is an underlying of

4:58

like, we don't care if you fall. I

5:02

will also say we already have a word

5:04

for ghosts that help you. They're angels. Thank

5:06

you so much. This is a... And

5:08

also, if the person comes up to you and goes, an

5:10

usher helped me, how do you know it wasn't an

5:12

usher? They vanish. You

5:15

heard the part where Warren said they vanished, right? Well,

5:17

yeah, but I think it would have been a different

5:19

conversation if the attendee had known they

5:21

were a ghost. Anyway. Yeah, with that very

5:23

nice usher help. And it was a ghost!

5:26

We did not know when we walked in

5:28

here that we were doing a show at

5:30

fucking Yokai Watch tonight, but apparently that is

5:32

the situation at hand, and I'm so proud

5:34

for it. This

5:36

is an advice show, as you've certainly gathered by

5:38

this event. And

5:40

what we do is we take your questions

5:43

and turn them, alchemy-like, into wisdom.

5:46

Want to say thanks to Jenerva and

5:48

Thor, they're ASL interpreters. You'll see here

5:50

to stage the left. Thank

5:52

you so much. We

5:55

get donuts in the office pretty often,

5:57

and I'm the only person that takes... a

6:00

whole donut. I see people

6:02

cut bits off and go about their day

6:04

while I sit and eat an entire donut

6:07

like a normal person. Should

6:10

I adjust to their ways or go

6:12

on living my best donut life? And

6:14

that's from Donut Know Which. This

6:17

is not gonna go the way you hope. I love how

6:19

you said adjust to their

6:21

ways like it was a cultural difference.

6:23

It's, we, our writer that

6:25

we have for shows, the

6:28

only thing that we have on it that's like, I

6:31

don't know, finicky, interesting. We

6:33

asked for the best

6:35

donuts in the city. Just like

6:37

whoever has the best, what you think is the

6:39

best, best doesn't. And it is the,

6:42

the knives and the segmenting are

6:44

very structured. Everyone must segment

6:47

the donuts because what if there's an extra

6:49

special delicious one and you enjoy it all

6:51

on your own. That's no good. You can

6:53

have a whole glazed donut all to yourself.

6:55

No one's gonna regret you. If there's a

6:57

donut that has like, like

6:59

cocoa pebbles on top or whatever and you

7:01

take the whole thing. Your history's greatest monster.

7:04

No. It's the worst. Yeah. And there's actually,

7:06

I would say a sliding scale of

7:08

like, it's kinda such like a double chocolate. Double

7:11

chocolate place. Ooh. You can take half of that,

7:13

right? Yeah. But then there's like one, it's like,

7:15

it's got like maple bacon on top of it.

7:17

You could take a quarter of that one. Yes.

7:21

Well, and by the way, this is confusing.

7:23

We will provide you all with a handout

7:25

as you leave, built by

7:27

the door. There is, in our

7:30

box backstage that we

7:32

were brought, someone shaved off what looks to be

7:34

1 16th of an eclair. Yeah.

7:36

Yeah. Which is maybe pushing it a little

7:38

bit too much. Which is appreciated because if

7:40

you're ordering donuts and you go, I need

7:42

two eclairs in that box, you're

7:45

a monster. Yeah. Well, I don't- See,

7:47

no one agreed with that. Oh. Griffin

7:50

and I didn't and they did it. Juice and

7:52

I did this thing we do sometimes when one

7:54

of us says something, the other two are like,

7:56

let me see if the audience agrees with this

7:59

before I react. This is why I really

8:01

love how much we all sound alike. Yeah, yeah,

8:03

yeah. That's true. Because if

8:05

someone wasn't really paying attention to the recording, I'd

8:07

get off Scott first. That's true. What

8:11

donut are you guys looking for when you pop

8:13

open a fresh box, New Town? You still got

8:16

those New Town blues. And

8:18

you're looking for... That's not what they call

8:20

it, but like... Yeah, you get those New Town blues. Turn

8:22

the page. You pop open the

8:24

box. Here I go. Eating donuts again. Right, right,

8:26

right. Okay, yeah, good. But like, what donut? See,

8:28

here I was just thinking that being on the

8:31

road made me a little depressed, but you're saying

8:33

it's just the New Town blues. Just the New

8:35

Town blues. Okay. I'm

8:37

just being a New Town. You know, anytime you visit a new

8:40

city and you're like, ugh. Yeah. I

8:42

thought I was being separated from my wife and

8:44

children, but it's

8:46

actually just the New Town blues. You're saying

8:48

it's just the being in the New Town.

8:50

Is it not jet lag or sleeping in

8:53

a different bed? Or agoraphobia, any number. It's

8:55

just New Town blues. This sounds so fucking

8:57

new. I wasn't here last

8:59

night. What the heck? The buses are a

9:01

different color than my buses back home. Now

9:04

I'm sad. Here's what I'm saying. Here's

9:06

what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying.

9:08

By tomorrow morning, I'm going to be Tacoma J.

9:11

By tomorrow morning, this is my town. You

9:13

know what I mean? Well,

9:16

don't get too excited because you're here tonight.

9:19

So I've still got those New Town blues. And

9:21

I am going to shake them off and do the

9:23

best I can. Wait, does that mean when you get

9:25

home, it takes time to transition back to Huntington Jay?

9:28

No, Huntington Jay. That's

9:31

a factory reset. That's the default position. That's

9:33

just back to the base model. Yeah, exactly.

9:35

To answer your question, Red Velvet with a

9:37

cream cheese icing. Oh. That's

9:40

what I'm looking for. I look like a blueberry cake. Oh,

9:42

that's a good one. And can everybody tell me

9:45

your favorite donut? One, two, three, go. Straight

9:48

wrong. Straight glazed. Me too.

9:51

Straight glazed? Just glazed. Is

9:53

this like... No, wait a minute. Are you fucking

9:56

with me, Griffin? Is this like the cheese

9:58

pizza thing? Was

10:00

it Raisin Bran as your favorite cereal?

10:02

Raisin Bran Crunch, Raisin Bran Crunch. A

10:08

glaze? What do you learn about yourself when

10:10

you eat a glazed donut? It's

10:14

OK. You

10:16

eat a fruity pebbles donut. What

10:18

you've just enjoyed. I wouldn't, by the way. That's

10:20

a smokescreen to cover up a subpar donut. That's

10:22

what I'm saying. A

10:24

really good glazed donut, hot and

10:27

fresh out of the thing that

10:29

they cook those in. What's that

10:32

room called? The cook, the

10:34

cookery. Yeah, you get it. That's

10:37

good shit. I don't need a bunch of other stuff on

10:39

there. I've never, I think

10:41

Griffin, up until this one, I've been judging your

10:43

food choices. I've never appreciated, you're just a symbol,

10:45

man. I am. My

10:48

tummy doesn't like to be surprised. My

10:51

tummy likes them right over the plate. Kind

10:54

of slow. Slow and over the plate.

10:56

It should go on the plate. That's how

10:58

eating works. Rolling it gently past

11:01

the plate. You like to big

11:03

it up off the plate, as food does. Yeah. That should

11:05

be a rule, by the way. If a pinch doesn't make

11:07

it past the plate and rolls on the plate and you

11:09

big it up and throw it as hard as you can,

11:11

that counts as a hit. Yeah, man. Kick

11:13

ass. I don't think that happens very much, but we

11:15

don't watch a ton of baseball. Do you

11:17

all like my mushroom shirt? Thanks.

11:23

Last time we did a tour last month,

11:25

I wasn't really thinking. And I only packed

11:28

enough clothes counting this shirt.

11:30

And I ended up flying home

11:32

through TSA wearing this shirt. And

11:36

I- It's a statement piece. I

11:39

was a- And that statement is, I

11:41

love drugs. That statement is, yeah,

11:43

I've got something in here. Yeah. Yeah.

11:47

And I might have or might not have. That's irrelevant.

11:49

But the thing is that's important is when I got

11:51

up there, I was like, well, this is kind of

11:53

embarrassing, but there's no way they're going to say it.

11:56

Very first dude's like, whoa, look at

11:58

this shirt. You

14:00

don't get a lot of energy, a lot of hype

14:02

from Matt Dillon on this one. I will also, there are bonus points here,

14:04

if you want a bonus point. I'll

14:06

give a bonus point. There is a

14:08

striking element in the lighting.

14:11

I'll say lighting sound, costume, one of those

14:13

kinds of things has nothing to do with

14:15

his delivery. Okay, okay. What

14:17

the fuck is that? What, in what? It's

14:19

either lighting sound or cost... You either see...

14:21

In what, light sound, sight, it's

14:24

either something you see or

14:26

something you hear. Listen, in the bonus point, I'm giving

14:28

you a bonus point. For

14:30

guessing... In the darkness. A phenomena...

14:33

In the darkness. Okay. Matt

14:35

Dillon in the darkness. I

14:38

feel I've oversold it. Matt Dillon's

14:40

in the darkness and he is reciting

14:42

Arctic monkeys like a monastic chant. I've

14:45

definitely oversold it. I think he's wearing

14:47

a chiroby. I think he's wearing a

14:49

chiroby. And

14:52

he says it like, as though

14:54

the tone is like, who else could it be? You know what

14:56

I mean? Before we

14:58

get to it, I'm going to say that the

15:00

lighting effect is their inability to light Matt Dillon's

15:02

eyes. Okay, roll it. Once

15:05

again, Arctic monkeys. These

15:07

fucking guys! I

15:10

nailed it. I definitely get a point

15:12

for that, absolutely. No question. I mean,

15:14

it's possible Matt Dillon does not have

15:16

eyes. It's really... It

15:20

is striking. I will say there is a striking choice that's

15:22

been made. I do

15:24

think Justin at least gets a half-tone out.

15:26

Justin gets a half-point. Half-point. Why is there

15:28

a void? No way, everyone. Be quiet. How

15:32

is me saying exactly how he's going to

15:34

do it in the most abstract fucking

15:36

game on the planet? You

15:38

know what? You're right. Three quarters of a point.

15:41

Okay. Next

15:43

combination. Jackie Chan

15:46

introducing Kid Rock. Okay,

15:54

here's what it is, right? He's

15:56

got a secret, and the secret is Kid

15:58

Rock is playing next. Quantum

22:00

Leap jumped into his body. I

22:03

heard him. We don't understand, Al. If he

22:05

doesn't even spray chicken, JFK dies. He

22:08

whispered, oh boy, here we go, right before

22:10

taking a bite. What? Now

22:15

I'm gonna have to chew it and

22:17

everything. I

22:22

just want my brother to live his best

22:24

life without having to act like he loves

22:26

fried chicken. Brothers,

22:29

how do I help him out of this

22:31

facade he's made for himself that's from fried

22:33

chicken froggy? Are you here? All

22:36

right. Second

22:39

question, wait, follow up question. Is

22:42

your brother here? Okay. Hey,

22:45

hold on, no, no, wait, okay. Let's get

22:48

this done really quickly. Hey, brother, do

22:50

you like fried chicken? Yeah! Now

22:53

hold on, Griffin. Now wait, stop. That shit

22:55

would tell us unreliable narrator.

22:59

Now wait, can you do me a favor, brother?

23:01

I'm assuming you have a name, but we're not

23:03

gonna get that far. I

23:06

need you to say it again, but this time, just don't

23:09

yell. I need to really hear you, okay?

23:11

And everybody close your eyes. Just be like, I need to really

23:13

believe it. Okay, I'll count to three and then just like say

23:15

it like... We'll ask again.

23:17

From your heart, okay? From your heart. Do you

23:19

like fried chicken? Okay.

23:22

Wait, hold on, wait, wait, wait. What? You're

23:25

trying to confuse everyone with fried

23:27

chicken. Okay, this is the other brother that we're

23:30

fucking hearing now. You guys sound... Hey, listen. This

23:32

is the pot calling the kettle black. You all sound wicked

23:34

alike. That was confusing for us on the stage. Yeah,

23:36

I really feel hoisted about our own batard right now.

23:38

No, no, no, no. If I'm following correctly, this

23:41

is a long con by the brother who wrote

23:43

in to convince everyone else that

23:45

you hate fried chicken. It could be either

23:48

one. I instinctively

23:50

side with the younger brother. Maybe...

23:57

Could I suggest even this? I

26:00

just sit on. Yeah, do

26:02

you like fried chicken? Over here. Oh, this

26:04

way, please. Right this way. How

26:06

about another question? I'd love that. I am

26:09

a student teacher in first grade classroom and my

26:11

birthday is coming up soon. I know my kids

26:13

are gonna try to give me quote, gifts. Since

26:15

they do that even when it's not my birthday.

26:18

So far I received a dead ladybug, an

26:21

unfolded paperclip, and anything

26:23

else they found on the floor that is deemed worthy. Brothers,

26:26

what is the best way to keep a

26:28

straight face when kids give you weird gifts?

26:31

That's from living in the present.

26:34

Are you here? All

26:36

right. Can

26:39

I let you, I have two

26:41

children, I don't wanna brag, I have two of them. And

26:43

I can't recommend

26:46

the power of the sound, oh,

26:48

I know. It's

26:52

great, like as adults, you

26:54

get it. Yeah. But

26:56

when a child hears that, they don't go,

26:58

oh, it sounds so

27:00

promising. It's

27:03

a great filler sound while you get it in

27:05

order that a child is handing you a dead

27:07

bug as a gift. Yeah. I

27:10

mean, in the beautiful mind of a child's eyes, anything

27:13

can be a toy. I've learned that

27:15

from having two child's myself, I don't mean to

27:18

brag. Damn it, you caught me. I'm

27:21

just saying in the beautiful mind of

27:23

a child's eyes, an unfolded paperclip could be a

27:25

cool sword and a dead ladybug could be... A

27:30

snack. Not a snack. Pokemon.

27:36

Oh. Wow. You know, also,

27:38

an unfolded paperclip in the beautiful eyes

27:40

of a career criminal can be a

27:43

lockpick. That's cool, yeah. Or

27:45

it can hold documents together with a little bit of

27:47

work. A

27:49

DIY paperclip. It's a puzzle. Do

27:51

you remember what a paperclip looks like? I bet

27:53

it's harder than you think. Hey, I'm Clippy and I'm here

27:55

to... Ah! I

27:59

have a little purgatory. on top of the fridge for

28:01

stuff like this. If I

28:03

want to throw something away, but I don't know if I can

28:05

get away with it, I put it up there on top of

28:07

the fridge purgatory. And if nobody asks me about it in two

28:09

weeks, right in the trash, right

28:11

in the trash it goes. But if they ask about

28:13

it, like, where's that great picture I drew of

28:16

you or whatever. Hey,

28:18

keep those. Those are good shoes. And listen, you

28:20

get three or four of those a day, it

28:22

gets hot. You go, that's why I didn't,

28:26

yeah, that's why I didn't throw it straight in the

28:28

trash. I put it on

28:30

top of the fridge for a while. All right. Jeez.

28:35

Once a bunch of helicopter parents. I

28:39

don't think that's what I helped. Yikes. I don't think

28:41

so either. Saving

28:43

all their children's drawings. Believing all their

28:45

children's drawings to the propellers and what

28:47

have you. Helicopter

28:51

parents. Just

28:53

throw them in a big drawer. Okay.

28:56

And save them. And then at the end

28:58

of the school year, fill that drawer with

29:00

resin. Cool.

29:04

I saw this on five minute crafts one time. Yeah. And

29:07

then you have all the kids sort of etch their handprints

29:10

or names or whatever. I don't know if they're writing

29:12

or what. Touch that resin

29:14

kids. Yeah, touch the resin. It's a table that

29:16

belongs to the school. Yeah. No,

29:19

you pop the resin out, right

29:21

at the end of the year. And then it's

29:23

yours to keep as a memorial of that year.

29:25

As a memento or whatever. And then Adam slowly

29:28

add more and more resin over time. That's cool.

29:30

And then you build a house out of it.

29:32

Yeah. I love that. Hey,

29:34

thanks for having me over. There's a lot of dead

29:36

ladybugs in the walls. I can

29:38

see them. Yeah. It turns out I

29:40

don't know how to make resin. So it's just glue. It's

29:43

just a bunch of loose glue. I

29:45

shouldn't have come up with a recipe or something.

29:48

J-na-na-na-na. J-na-na-na-na.

29:51

J-na-na-na-na-na. I want to. Munch!

30:01

Bum, bum, bum, bum, but I want

30:04

two Munch! Welcome

30:07

to Munch Club. It's

30:12

podcast within a podcast. Profiling

30:15

the latest and greatest. Thank

30:18

you. Thank you. You looked

30:20

cold, Count Dina. Mike Hape got stuck

30:22

in customs. Yeah, it happens. Hey, did

30:24

you hear us talking about donuts earlier?

30:27

It's just because it had so much blood.

30:29

Oh. All over it. The

30:33

cape was drenched. Hey man, don't look at the

30:35

back of my pants. I

30:39

wasn't planning on that. Yeah,

30:42

sure. I think we can

30:44

all feel the tension between us,

30:46

Count Donut. Crispy, crispy

30:49

cream. It's releasing

30:51

new donuts with

30:53

music. I can't believe it. All

30:56

right. When

31:01

it comes to pairing sweets for

31:03

the first time, it

31:05

doesn't get any sweeter than this. I

31:10

don't understand what they want me to

31:12

feel. Yeah, no, I know. Reading that

31:14

sentence, I mean. Read it one more

31:16

time? When it comes to pairing sweets

31:19

for the first time, it doesn't

31:22

get any sweeter than this. The fuck

31:24

does that mean, man? When it comes

31:26

to pairing sweets... For the first time.

31:29

I don't know. I can read 13 different

31:32

languages. I've

31:34

been alive for so many

31:37

centuries. Yeah. I cannot parcel this out

31:39

into thought. No, it's tough. When

31:42

crispy cream and global superstar

31:44

Dolly Parton unveiled

31:46

the Dolly Southern Sweets

31:49

Donut Collection. Okay,

31:52

Jesse. Looking at this

31:54

picture again, sorry to interrupt, Count Donut. I've

31:57

heard about you. Yeah, he's not sorry. Continuing

32:00

the trend of any time, mostly Krispy

32:03

Kreme, but a donut place is

32:05

like, here's four special donuts. You can

32:07

see like two donuts they put a ton

32:09

of thought into. One donut they're

32:11

like, this is different. And the fourth

32:13

donut is like, I don't know. Y'all like nuts? I

32:15

don't fucking know, man. Four. You

32:19

try coming up with four new donuts. But

32:21

no one set that standard. No

32:23

one was like, if you're gonna put out a bag,

32:25

it's gonna be four donuts or nothing. So I count

32:28

down, I'm so sorry. Dolly

32:30

Dazzler donut. That's

32:35

an original glazed. You would

32:38

probably like that, huh? I

32:41

mean, no, it's got a bunch of shit on

32:43

it, Count Donut. I would get

32:45

your nanny to wipe it

32:47

off for you, Donut Baby. Hey,

32:49

hold on. Hey, hey,

32:52

hey, hey, you can't talk to me

32:54

like that, Count Donut. I am

32:56

immortal. I have lived for a thousand years.

32:59

I can speak to you however I wish. You

33:03

forget your place. You

33:06

forget your place, McElroy Baby.

33:12

This one indulgence, you've been granted.

33:14

Thank you. I'll never walk

33:17

afoul of you again. Peachy keen

33:19

cobbler donuts. It's

33:22

an unglazed donut. Oh, I bet

33:24

you're salivating already, but bad news,

33:26

there's things on top again, Griff.

33:29

It's an unglazed donut filled with real peach

33:32

filling. I can tell, because it's oozing.

33:36

Have you ever heard of a donut

33:38

being advertised as unglazed? No,

33:41

I don't think so. It's quite an

33:44

odd feature to include. Oh, delicious.

33:47

No sugar, you say. I

33:49

love that they clarify real peach filling. Yeah.

33:52

This filled with fake peaches. We wouldn't lie to you

33:55

again. Where do we get them? We don't know. But

33:58

now, no. pie

34:02

an unglazed donut filled with

34:05

banana pudding made with wafers

34:08

and the banana pudding clam it says

34:10

k R E M E that's horrifying

34:12

what's again they felt the need to

34:14

be like I don't think people will

34:16

believe that there's filling in this donut

34:18

unless we have just a little bit

34:21

oozing out the bottom that's the side

34:23

where they feel it from it's not

34:25

magical there's need to put that in

34:27

the picture they'll count I'd like to

34:29

know there's filling inside it's a little

34:31

you don't pay their word for it when they say there

34:34

is you want to join your

34:36

brother in the grave I

34:39

beg of you did you say in the

34:41

braids did you say in the grave yes

34:43

if you want to join your brother in

34:46

the grave are you gonna fucking kill me

34:48

count donut chocolate

34:52

cream pie an

34:54

original glazed donuts topped with

34:56

a swirl of chocolate brownie

34:59

cream why do they say this

35:01

why did they do the swirl like a poo

35:05

the kids love it all the

35:07

roadblocks kids are wild donut see

35:09

but they don't know having

35:12

some of my favorite southern flavors in

35:14

one unique donut collection from Krispy Kreme

35:16

is so special to me parton

35:18

says these

35:21

donuts remind me of home so I'm excited for

35:23

folks to share them with their family and friends

35:25

they're pretty sweet if I do say so myself in

35:28

fact they're so sweet for the first time together

35:32

first time together they're

35:34

so sweet with sweet pairing they

35:39

have celebrate the introduction of

35:41

Dallas other than sweet donut

35:43

collection Krispy Kreme is inviting

35:45

everyone to get the dolly

35:47

dap and visit shops

35:50

on Saturday May 18th there's still

35:52

time to coma to

35:54

get dolly duh anyone dolly

35:57

duh from being totally

35:59

dolly decked out to

36:02

wearing a Dolly Parton wig or

36:05

their favorite Dolly merch. Pretty much

36:07

any iconography of the woman I

36:09

think will suit you. And

36:12

they will receive a free original

36:14

glazed donut. Fuck yeah man! That

36:18

Dolly Parton will pay for out of

36:20

her own pocket. She can

36:22

afford it I think. With money she

36:24

would have otherwise given to charity. Wow

36:28

what a twist. I bet she's got

36:30

enough. Did you expect this twist? It's

36:32

a moral quandary for every donut you

36:34

eat. Dolly has less

36:36

money for charitable uses. What

36:39

could be sweeter than an

36:42

unglazed donut filled with broken

36:44

promises? Well

36:46

it's one filled with a chocolate

36:49

cookie brownie crumble. Krispy

36:52

Kreme and Dolly Parton have ones special thing

36:54

in common. We both love

36:56

to share joy. What

36:59

the fuck? What? Is that the only thing they

37:01

have in common? We disagree

37:04

on everything. Krispy

37:06

Kreme and Dolly Parton have a special

37:08

thing in common. We both love to

37:10

share joy says Dave Skinner. Oh Dave.

37:13

Global Chief Brand Officer for Krispy Kreme.

37:15

It was a joy and an

37:17

honor to collaborate with Dolly

37:19

to create her signature donut collection.

37:22

These donuts are going to dazzle

37:24

and delight fans just

37:26

like Dolly herself. You

37:28

know what I'd like to imagine Count Donut?

37:30

Countless. Please take me inside

37:33

the darkest arches. Countless

37:35

phone calls, emails

37:38

from Dolly Parton to Krispy Kreme. Please

37:40

let me collaborate with you. Please make

37:43

a swallow. We don't know Dolly. Do

37:45

we have anything in common? I

37:47

got this kick-ass idea for a donut. Well

37:50

I got two kick-ass ideas, one

37:52

sorta, and then I don't know.

37:54

I'm sorry y'all. That fourth donut

37:57

doesn't look skippity. My

37:59

nephews. He says it's not skimmy unless it looks

38:01

like a real poo. The

38:05

butterfly is nice. It is a nice touch. It

38:07

is a nice touch. Okay. Whoa!

38:10

Oh no! Hey! What'd

38:14

I miss? I'm

38:16

back. Cantona rolled up.

38:19

No shit! Yeah, he rolled up and... I always

38:21

get him. He threatened Riven's life. He said he

38:23

was gonna fucking kill me Justin. I

38:26

paid him to do that. Why? I

38:30

waxed genitals for a living. Okay.

38:32

I absolutely love my job. You gotta put...

38:35

No, you gotta put in clearer... You

38:40

gotta put in clearer checkpoints. Trying something

38:42

new. Trying something new.

38:47

Sorry. A new question has

38:49

begun. I didn't

38:51

think you needed me to do this for you. I

38:55

think everybody kind of likes the

38:57

In-Media-Res energy. It's nice. You

38:59

got a rush to catch up, right? It makes it

39:01

more of a thinker. I'm just having a great time

39:03

with my brothers. Yeah, me too. So

39:06

I absolutely love my job. And for the most part...

39:08

What was the job again? I waxed genitals for a

39:10

living. I absolutely love my job. And

39:13

for the most part, keep the conversation flowing

39:15

with my clients throughout their appointment. Which

39:18

I've been told helps them through the pain.

39:20

Which is what I would definitely tell the

39:22

person that is removing hair from my genitals

39:24

if they asked if everything was going okay.

39:26

I would be extremely easy to get along

39:28

with, no question. Every

39:31

now and then, I get a client

39:34

who I just can't quite spark the

39:36

conversation with. What are

39:38

some great, no fail conversation topics

39:40

I can bring up with my clients to get

39:42

them chatting as I rip the hair from their

39:44

loins? That's from Waxing Wangs and

39:47

more in Washington. Are

39:49

you here? Fantastic. And

39:52

you're a... A hydra, apparently.

39:54

Yeah, what I love, without fail, I would

39:57

say actually nine times out of ten when

39:59

we say... Are you here? It's

40:01

the person and who they're with.

40:03

Yeah, which is awesome. I love

40:05

that. They're amplifying. I

40:07

love that. Yeah. So, back

40:10

to the question at hand. I've

40:13

never had my genitals waxed. Not

40:16

to brag. You know

40:18

what's fucked up, Travis? I don't even

40:20

want to know that about you specifically.

40:22

The lack of information is too much.

40:24

The closest I get. Knowing which way, which

40:26

side of the binary you fall on on

40:28

that particular topic, I don't enjoy knowing as

40:30

your brother. Huh. Me

40:33

neither. Yeah. I

40:36

wish I didn't. I would prefer to not even

40:38

think of that entire zone. Okay, the waxing

40:40

of my genitals is unknown. I

40:45

have Schrödinger's genitals. Yeah, cool. I

40:48

will give you... That wasn't

40:51

the end of the point. I will

40:53

give you $250 American to please move

40:55

forward with whatever you're saying. So,

40:58

the closest reference I have is like going to the

41:00

dentist, right? And the guy was in his hair. Yeah,

41:02

this is fucking same, man. Point

41:05

out where I'm wrong. I've been

41:07

to the dentist many, many, many, many,

41:10

many, many times. I was at the

41:12

dentist last week. Yeah,

41:14

and I can see that there's no hair on your teeth. Think

41:20

about it. So, if it's

41:23

anything like my experience, you should have

41:25

like a magic eye poster on the

41:27

ceiling or like some kind of funky

41:29

ceiling tiles they can count while

41:32

they're trying not to think about

41:34

the Fig there experience. That's what

41:36

I want out of the circumstance.

41:39

The only truly safe conversation topic

41:41

is sometimes that people have

41:43

removed hair from your genital area. I

41:46

don't actually want that. That's the one

41:48

thing that you know you have in common

41:50

is that you've both been in this experience,

41:53

right? So, if you bring that up, it's a

41:55

pretty safe conversational topic. You

41:57

do. Okay, fantastic. That's

41:59

good. It would be weird if you were doing it

42:01

to other people and then once you were like, well, not

42:03

me. Not me. Do this? Are you fucking out of

42:06

your mind? Once again,

42:08

if I waited until the end of the sentence, they're like, you need

42:10

to get that cavity felt. I mean, I wouldn't. I,

42:13

I, um, it's it's

42:15

actually harder than I've been thinking about this a

42:17

lot lately, trying to come up with all purpose

42:20

conversation stories, because there's some that like that

42:22

seem like they are good, that you hear it

42:24

bring up in a lot of conversations that actually

42:26

don't work. Like favorite movie. There's

42:29

about 80% of the answers that

42:31

you're going to say to that. I will have

42:33

absolutely nothing to add. That's a

42:35

stop because you say the answer. That's

42:37

it done. What kind of a but what food could you

42:39

eat the most of? Now you're

42:41

talking. I don't know that I want to talk

42:43

about that while I'm being watched. What do you want

42:45

to talk about, man? I'm realizing

42:48

not a lot of stuff. I

42:51

mostly, I think, want to be spoken to

42:53

and not have the onus of speaking

42:55

back. If you could just beat box

42:57

while you're. And

43:00

that can be fun because you can be like. Do

43:04

it like in time. So like I'm kind

43:07

of like grooving, but I also know like

43:09

what it when it's coming. You always rip

43:11

it off when the bass drops. That would

43:13

feel wild because you're like, I want it

43:16

to drop. Yeah, but and then next time

43:18

I'm at the Skrillex show, I'm

43:20

going to get some confusing thoughts.

43:23

We, by the way, I meant

43:25

to bring this up at our last staff meeting, but I guess

43:27

now is a good time as any. We've

43:30

got to learn some new EDM

43:32

guys. EDM guys. We

43:34

I talked about Skrillex last week, and I

43:36

think we all got to learn some new

43:38

EDM guys to talk about. OK, I don't

43:40

know who. Yeah, don't get it. Don't get

43:42

it confused. I don't know who. It's come

43:45

back around to Skrillex and then Skril Y

43:47

and then Skrilzy. And I think you're on

43:49

Skril double A. You're on Skril Alpha, actually,

43:51

is where we're at. Um,

43:54

yeah, we definitely answered that one pretty good. Yeah,

43:56

I think we nailed it. Hey, thanks. We'll be

43:58

back after the act break. Take

44:00

care, bye, we'll be right back. I

44:02

love you, buy a poster, bye, we'll

44:04

be right back. It's better, it's better

44:07

with you. You

44:14

know with the weather lately, It's

44:16

frightful. Yeah, I have quite a

44:18

few garments that after stripping them from my

44:20

body, I decide these are

44:23

going right into the incinerator. These I'm done

44:25

with. And what does that leave me with?

44:27

No clothing options. Where do I turn when

44:29

I've had to burn on my favorite looks?

44:31

What are you doing in these clothes? Just

44:34

sweating, Griffin. But

44:37

you sweat so much they must be destroyed.

44:39

You can clean. They're destroyed, the fibers, the

44:41

very fibers are worn down. I'm worried Justin

44:43

you've lost touch like with the price of

44:45

a gallon of milk. When you're like, well,

44:48

I sweated in these clothes, I shan't wear

44:50

this outfit again. Wear the same outfit in

44:52

one season? It was a metaphorical. We b-ball

44:54

together. I know your sweat is not corrosive.

44:57

Do you want to buy clothes or don't

44:59

you? I do so bad. Do you want

45:01

to buy clothes? Thank you, then go to

45:03

Stitch Fix because they have professional

45:06

stylists. They're going to help you find a great look

45:08

and it's going to be in your budget. How much

45:10

you want to spend on clothes. It's going to be

45:12

to your taste. And if you don't

45:14

love the items that they send to you, you're going to put

45:16

them in a prepaid mailer and send them straight

45:18

back. And they're washable. These clothes are washable.

45:20

You're not going to wear them at least

45:23

twice. Yeah, you don't have to burn these

45:25

clothes and you shouldn't. You shouldn't. Change of

45:27

seasons. It's gotta mean a

45:29

quick refresh in the wardrobe. Especially.

45:31

Yes, I remember the first day

45:33

of every new season, you'll find

45:36

Justin nude on his lawn in

45:38

front of a big steel barrel, just

45:40

burning every piece of clothing. Yelling, come

45:42

on Stitch Fix, over and over again.

45:45

I hope I'm getting one soon. It

45:47

sure is cold. It was a

45:49

simple thought starter. I see. Style

45:52

that makes you feel as

45:54

good as you look. Get

45:57

started today at stitchfix.com/brother. That's

45:59

stitchfix.com/brother. One last time,

46:01

stitchfix.com/brother. Hey Griffin. Yeah. Do

46:04

you got a website? Mm-hmm. Sorry, it's

46:06

unclear to me what that response is. Mm-hmm.

46:12

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I

46:14

don't want to talk to you about this anymore. Justin, do

46:16

you have a website? Not anymore. Do

46:19

you want one? Not anymore. Wait, what happened

46:21

to your previous website? I hurt Griffin. I

46:24

hurt Griffin. Oh. Griffin's turned you

46:26

off the idea of websites altogether? Give

46:28

me a bulletin board or something, man. I

46:30

can't go back to websites now. Yeah, it

46:33

only works on certain browsers. Oh boy, oh

46:35

boy. Well, you know, Squarespace websites work on

46:37

all browsers, even the weird ones. You're doing

46:39

a lot more than browsing over there, pal.

46:42

I can tell you that. I don't want

46:44

to acknowledge Griffin's presence anymore. I

46:46

don't want Griffin to exist anymore. Yes! Oh

46:49

man. That's such a sweet deal in these

46:51

ad reads. Squarespace

46:53

makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage

46:55

with the audience, and sell anything from products to

46:57

content to time. What? Yeah.

47:00

Okay, not like in that one movie where they

47:03

have the amount of time tattooed on the back.

47:05

We used to have said that in this particular

47:07

ad like so many times. Really? Yeah.

47:10

Griffin, you're back. Hi, what's up? You

47:13

can do anything on there. And Squarespace has Blueprint,

47:15

which is their new guided design system. And

47:17

listen, you can even do checkout on your

47:19

thing. Make it seamless. Ooh, and sell stuff?

47:21

Seamless? Yeah, seamless. Wow, Travis. Now, I like

47:24

seams. I like to

47:26

see how it all goes together, like a

47:28

Frankenstein. Yeah. Not with Squarespace.

47:31

No Frankensteins here. So go

47:33

to squarespace.com for a free

47:35

trial, and when you're ready

47:37

to launch, go to www.https://www.squarespace.com.

47:42

My brother. I don't think it's backslash. I

47:44

think forward slash? Who can tell? Okay, just

47:46

save 10% off your first purchase of a

47:48

website or domain. Try the slashes either way. Yeah,

47:50

one or the other. But oh God, please get

47:53

it right. Don't do the up and down slash.

47:55

It's no longer a slash. That's a

47:57

pipe. Hey,

48:02

this is Mike Kavalon. If you're out of

48:04

your way. And Sierra Cotto. The hosts of

48:06

TV Chef Fantasy League. Where we apply fantasy

48:08

sports rules to cooking competition shows. We're

48:11

not professional chefs or fantasy sports

48:13

bros. Just three comedians who love

48:15

cooking shows and winning. We'll cover Top

48:17

Chef, Master Chef, Great British Bake Off, whatever's

48:20

in season really. Ooh, you know chefs love

48:22

cooking whatever's in season. We draft a team of

48:24

chefs at the top of every series. And every week

48:26

we recap the episode and assign points based on

48:28

how our chefs did. And at the end of the

48:30

season, we crown a winner. You can even play along at home

48:33

if you want. Or you can just listen to

48:35

us like a regular podcast about cooking

48:37

shows. That's cool too. Subscribe to TV

48:39

Chef Fantasy League on maximumfun.org or wherever

48:41

you get your podcasts. Hallelujah,

48:47

hello, welcome everyone. Step right up. We're

48:50

going to heal you. We are the

48:52

healers, Ross and Carrie. Yes, yes. You

48:54

there. Like you're upset.

48:56

Come up here. Yes, you are

48:58

healed because you've listened to our podcast.

49:00

Yes. Have you been having trouble with

49:02

demons? Are you sleeping too much? Too

49:04

little? Just right? We have the

49:07

solution. It is to listen to Oh

49:09

No Ross and Carrie. A

49:11

show where we examine unusual

49:13

claims. We show up so you don't have to. Find

49:16

us on maximumfun.org. We won't actually

49:18

heal you. Got

49:34

a haunted doll watch. Ladies

49:40

and gentlemen, in this

49:44

extremely haunted building, a thoroughly

49:48

haunted, one of the more haunted. Thoroughly

49:50

haunted. Thoroughly haunted. We're going to invite

49:52

a few more spirits. Who's at

49:54

the door? Well, it's

49:56

a spectral gentleman caller. I

50:01

need to point out Justin

50:03

was fucking busting so hard

50:05

to these backstage as he

50:08

was preparing this bit. I

50:10

am very excited to see what you come for us in

50:12

the lab. These are all a

50:15

new company that is on the

50:17

market. I'm not going to say the name

50:19

because then you'll read

50:21

all of them in your free time.

50:23

So welcome a spectral gentleman caller. The

50:29

spirited realty tycoon

50:31

of all Claire James

50:34

Griffin. James

50:36

Griffin was a brave soldier in the

50:38

Civil War from all Claire Wisconsin. After

50:40

the war, he put down his gun and picked

50:43

up selling houses and land. He got really good

50:45

that he put down his gun first. Yeah, yeah,

50:47

sure. Got really good at it and became a

50:49

rich man in the 1870s. But

50:52

James love more than just selling

50:54

big houses. He loved visiting people,

50:56

especially ladies in their dreams. He

51:00

loved visiting people, especially ladies in

51:02

their dreams. Now his spirit lives

51:05

inside an old three by five photo.

51:10

That's apparently one of the things that your soul

51:12

can do is live in

51:14

a two dimensional photo. When

51:18

you sleep, James might pop into your dream.

51:21

Nope. He'll take his fancy suit and hat and

51:23

call out to you like an old friend. Actually,

51:27

yeah, actually, yeah. He's very polite and loves

51:29

to tell stories of his adventures. Oh, that

51:31

sounds great. I would love that in my

51:33

dreams. Even though he was once a tough

51:36

soldier, James has a soft spot for kind

51:38

folks. But here's a twist. No,

51:42

it says that. Oh, okay. But

51:44

here's a twist. Sometimes James gets

51:46

a little mixed up at days he's still selling

51:48

houses. He might show up and try to

51:50

make a deal with you in your dream. It's

51:54

funny because you can't really buy

51:56

a dream house. Okay, wait, jump

51:58

back a second. the previous

52:00

image, it says, Randolph,

52:04

what? Stu-de-gin? Like, it's

52:06

a different name. I

52:08

think it says Brandolf Stulligan. It's

52:11

a fucking good name. It actually

52:13

says... A different name. Hey guys,

52:16

it actually says Brandolf Stuttgart. Brants

52:19

of Stuttgart. It's big behind it. It's like

52:21

Wicked Big Right There. That's

52:24

where the picture was taken. Brandolf

52:27

Stuttgart. His name's not Brandself

52:30

Stuttgart. No, it's a place.

52:32

A place everybody knows about.

52:37

Including me. Just

52:41

to check in, that's an American town with

52:43

this American man. No, it's just a different...

52:45

It's a photo, Travis, and it's not important.

52:47

It's funny because you can't really buy a

52:49

dream house. That's what it says. Have they

52:51

circled... I'm sorry, I do need to go

52:53

back to the last image. Have

52:56

they circled the ectoplasm that

52:58

Brants of has left on the... Yeah, they've

53:01

circled the spectral goo that's left behind on the

53:03

image. The bottom one

53:06

does kind of look like there's

53:08

some hidden writing. Maybe it's Jagger,

53:10

like some DaVinci code. Are

53:13

you ready to let James Griffin's spirit into your

53:15

home? No. He might

53:17

make your dreams extra exciting. It doesn't

53:20

sound like... It sounds like if I buy this, an old

53:22

man will come tell me stories in my dreams. No

53:25

fucking thanks, man. You

53:28

might try to sell you your own home

53:30

in your dreams, which is funny because you

53:32

can't really buy a dream house. It says

53:34

it right here. It's funny because you can't

53:36

really buy a dream house. Happy haunting and

53:38

sweet dreams with James by your side. Yeah.

53:41

Next up... I wouldn't sleep

53:43

with that picture by my... The

53:46

light. The

53:49

light. No. It's

53:56

a ceramic picture of Jesus.

53:58

It's a ceramic Jesus. This

54:00

is what they're looking at as a

54:02

ceramic Jesus. He

54:05

looks, this is if

54:07

Jesus ever caught you

54:10

masturbating. And

54:13

he was frozen in carbonite by

54:15

the shock of the holy devil. What

54:18

did I say about this? It

54:20

is a very, I told

54:23

you once, I told you a thousand

54:25

times, Griffin. Now

54:27

Justin, would you say, do I have

54:29

to share this with other people or

54:31

is it my own personal Jesus? Okay,

54:34

let me tell you all about it.

54:36

Flickering hope, a hand-painted haunting in Adams,

54:38

nine inches tall. Cool. This

54:40

unique hand-painted lamp stands nine

54:42

inches tall and depicts a

54:44

serene image of Jesus Christ. I don't know

54:47

that serene. Serene's not what I'd go with

54:49

there. I do like that

54:51

they've given him the same cool star

54:53

I give every RPG character I've ever

54:55

played. Yes. Yes.

54:58

Right there across the eye. He looks

55:00

like my commander Shepard, which

55:03

is appropriate. He is

55:05

my Shepard, he is my commander. He

55:08

does have the facial expression of someone who

55:10

recently said, I can take three times as

55:12

many drugs as anyone in this room. Watch

55:15

me go. He pops

55:17

up on the face of something and goes, I just

55:19

don't feel bad like you guys do. Go ahead, hit

55:22

me. Jesus

55:24

is the light adorns the base in a

55:26

style that suggests a personal touch. So that's

55:28

just a sort of table setter

55:30

image of Jesus, then that has nothing to

55:32

do with the different image that they're selling

55:35

of Jesus being abducted. Okay. No,

55:38

that is not what I expected.

55:41

Fucking even a little bit at all.

55:45

No, that's not it. That's

55:47

not Jesus nor serene nor

55:49

a lamp. No kidding. The

55:52

concave nature of this

55:54

Jesus's face means that like the

55:56

ghosts in the haunted mansion, he will be watching

55:59

you. masturbate no matter

56:01

where you are inside the side

56:03

right it's why did they

56:05

put the light in that

56:08

location of the lamp it's

56:10

like a fountain except instead of

56:12

water it's a light it's his

56:14

throat yeah the inscription Jesus is

56:16

the light adorns the base and

56:19

style that suggests a personal touch

56:22

far from a mass produced item no

56:24

shit yeah no shit they didn't make

56:26

a million of these it's

56:28

not mass but someone made one of these and

56:31

they didn't say I gotta make a half a

56:33

million more a lot of people are gonna want

56:35

to own one I like

56:37

that they threw the Ouija board behind there

56:39

just behind you yeah they don't know a

56:42

religious thing donated anonymously

56:44

yep yeah after being discovered

56:46

in an abandoned hospital located

56:48

in Adams Wisconsin the

56:51

light didn't take this with them the lamp

56:53

possesses an undeniable aura

56:55

of mystery ah fucking

56:58

say man spectral or

57:00

no it's mysterious that this

57:02

exists our team at the at the

57:04

curious curio company is captivated by this

57:06

one of the nine I don't care

57:08

one of a kind lamp the personal

57:11

nature of the artwork hints at a

57:13

deeper story perhaps Jesus

57:15

Christ yeah perhaps

57:20

a hopeful more affronted in

57:22

this how is that possible

57:25

it doubles as this is a lamp of

57:27

Jesus Christ but also imagine a Star Trek

57:29

episode where Riker was turned into a baby

57:31

but kept the beard art

57:34

he looks like child Jesus

57:36

as I drove him past the

57:38

McDonald's you said

57:40

we'd stop Bob all you

57:43

say we get some now

57:46

baby Jesus I don't tell you but

57:48

you say we get your chicken nuggets in

57:51

happening Bob I want some new grimy shake

57:54

Bob I'll give me some fries I swear Jeanine if he

57:56

keeps act this way he's not gonna make it to 33

58:00

Um... Sorry. Why

58:02

is he so... I have a pie, Bob-O. Why is

58:04

he so radio active? I wouldn't have done that joke in Canada. Yes. Go

58:07

on. Thank you, Griffin. You

58:09

see, the personal nature of the

58:11

artwork hints at a deeper story.

58:18

Perhaps a hopeful patient created it during

58:20

their stay, seeking solace and comfort in

58:22

their faith. This is me

58:25

editorializing now and finding none. What

58:29

materials are you given in a

58:31

hospital? And you're like, you know what? What

58:34

I'm going through now? Bring me a kiln.

58:36

Yeah, please. The

58:40

abandoned hospital in Adams adds another layer

58:42

to the mystery. Was the lamp left

58:44

behind by a patient in a hurry?

58:47

Or a cherished memento forgotten by a departing

58:49

staff member? Now, folks, you'll notice at this

58:51

point in Haunted Doll Watch, no

58:54

claims have been made about any sort

58:56

of haunting whatsoever, right? So

58:58

far they've said, yeah, it is a pretty

59:00

weird lamp of Jesus, no? And

59:03

J-Man right there, they basically said, was it

59:05

left behind by this kind of person or

59:07

left behind by this kind of person? We

59:09

don't know. We'll never know. Well, we know

59:11

it was unwanted. That's the

59:13

one thing. If you want to make sure

59:16

you don't get left behind, make sure you

59:18

grab yourself this inverted

59:20

Jesus lamp. Guys, you can put

59:22

your own face in, too. Yeah.

59:25

See if it fits. The lamp, now

59:28

things are going to get a little

59:30

spookier, okay? Things at this

59:32

point get scarier and scarier. The

59:35

lamp functions surprisingly well. But

59:39

with an unsettling peculiarity,

59:42

the bulb flickers erratically.

59:46

Even, now I hear what you're about to say. Let me

59:48

cut you off. Even with

59:50

high quality replacements. The

59:53

best bulbs, okay? They didn't go to

59:55

Dollar General to buy a bunch of

59:57

bulbs. These are primo bulbs.

1:00:00

Yeah on rare occasions a faint hymn

1:00:02

like melody seems to emanate from the

1:00:04

lamp when lit It

1:00:08

sounds like it sounds not

1:00:10

unlike a lamp about to explode

1:00:15

The most intriguing anomaly is the

1:00:17

occasional soft glow emanating from the

1:00:20

figure of Jesus himself from

1:00:23

the lamp No,

1:00:25

Justin you expect it, but sorry. It's

1:00:27

almost like a flickering Electrical

1:00:29

kind of fire kind of

1:00:32

feeling these events are unpredictable

1:00:34

and defy scientific explanation No,

1:00:36

they fucking do not Jesus

1:00:43

has activated his defense Jesus

1:00:48

exoskeleton goal listen

1:00:50

water he hatches out of it

1:00:55

Theory one a beacon of

1:00:57

hope Perhaps the lamp

1:00:59

is a conduit for a benevolent

1:01:01

spirit a former patient or staff

1:01:03

member electricity in their faith

1:01:06

The flickering light and hymns might be attempts

1:01:08

to connect with the living offering solace and

1:01:10

a reminder of hope if

1:01:13

you're a ghost and You

1:01:15

choose to inhabit a picture or

1:01:17

lamp or doll of Jesus Christ

1:01:20

That's kind of the big show ain't it?

1:01:23

It's like stolen valor in a little bit

1:01:26

Lost theory to a lost soul seeking

1:01:29

solace It's possible the lamp is tethered

1:01:31

to a disoriented spirit unable to move

1:01:33

on the religious iconography provides a sense

1:01:36

of familiarity You

1:01:38

know who wouldn't be comforted by this I

1:01:44

went to church for a wicked

1:01:46

long time this particular Depiction

1:01:48

of my Savior is not familiar

1:01:50

even in the least little bit

1:01:52

It more

1:01:55

looks like he's selling me a guitar at

1:01:57

a music store. It does the flickering light

1:02:00

and soft glow from Jesus might

1:02:02

be unintentional emanations of the Spirit's

1:02:04

presence, or if I may proffer

1:02:06

a different theory, it

1:02:09

is the electrical current currently surging

1:02:11

through. Uh, intrigued?

1:02:14

Yes. If you're a believer in

1:02:16

the unexplained or uninteresting and open

1:02:18

to spiritual encounters, this hand-painted Jesus

1:02:21

is the light lamp might be

1:02:23

more than just a haunting curiosity.

1:02:25

Be prepared for the possibility of

1:02:27

strange occurrences and a deeper contemplation

1:02:29

of faith and the lingering

1:02:32

spirits that may reside in abandoned places.

1:02:34

Yeah, it's so weird. I bought this

1:02:36

lamp and like everyone I knew stopped

1:02:38

coming around. Unexplainable.

1:02:40

Now here is something I bet you

1:02:43

didn't know you could buy on eBay,

1:02:45

guys. Oh! A

1:02:51

grandmother. Yeah,

1:02:53

you too. Can buy a grandmother

1:02:55

on eBay? No problem. God

1:02:58

damn it. Oh my

1:03:01

God. No,

1:03:03

okay, Justin. I just saw the full

1:03:05

title. Haunted photo, paranormal,

1:03:07

high activity. A grandmother

1:03:10

with a dying wish. Don't

1:03:12

sell this. For two dollars and

1:03:15

three cents! Now

1:03:17

Travis, that's just an opening bid. You

1:03:20

can buy it now for $15. This

1:03:24

says in the full listing, it says

1:03:26

a kindly old grandmother's last wishes.

1:03:30

Because maybe you have a grandmother at home, but

1:03:32

all of her wishes are done. Yeah.

1:03:36

Once upon a time in the

1:03:38

rural lands of Aucler, Wisconsin, there

1:03:40

lived a sweet grandma named- Why

1:03:42

are all these Wisconsin ghosts? Yeah,

1:03:45

all from the same town. It's

1:03:47

like the gravity

1:03:49

falls of Wisconsin. Back

1:03:52

in the 1940s, she was the heart of

1:03:54

her family, and they loved her

1:03:57

apple pie. Okay.

1:03:59

But Grandma- Edith had a secret

1:04:01

wish. To

1:04:03

make Peach cobbler. She

1:04:06

whispered it to the wind on her

1:04:08

last day, hoping it would

1:04:10

reach her family. Alas. Hey

1:04:13

Edith, there's wicked better

1:04:15

ways to do that Edith. Alas,

1:04:17

her words got lost. In

1:04:20

the wind? Until

1:04:22

now. Her

1:04:25

spirit lives now in a small 4x4

1:04:27

vintage photo. Which

1:04:31

is better, we can agree, than like a

1:04:33

printed out picture of Billie Eilish or something.

1:04:36

It's a lot, makes a lot more sense that she's

1:04:38

in a picture of a grandma. Her

1:04:41

spirit lives in a 4x4 vintage

1:04:44

photo and she's waiting patiently for

1:04:46

someone to hear her message. All

1:04:48

this secret's so fucking good. She's

1:04:51

also dressing up till now. They haven't

1:04:53

clarified it's a photo of her. Yeah,

1:04:56

it's just a photo of an old lady that

1:04:58

provided her some comfort or soul. Yeah, that she

1:05:00

was like, all right, yeah. Yeah, it was sorta

1:05:03

like this. I was an old lady once too.

1:05:06

No, it's only at 197. I

1:05:08

saw another one earlier that was 698. The

1:05:10

Jesus was way, way, way more. His grandma

1:05:13

was like three times. It's just a scale.

1:05:16

That's a Geiger counter. You must. Okay.

1:05:18

Do not touch the Jesus. Folks

1:05:22

say that at night lights flicker

1:05:24

and that's at a comforting scent

1:05:26

of baking fills the air. Oh

1:05:28

no. That's Edith saying hello. She

1:05:30

loves to chat through tarot cards and

1:05:32

will make sure that you're never lonely.

1:05:35

Okay. Hold on. Everything

1:05:37

there doesn't comfort me. Yeah, that's

1:05:39

a good point. I don't think,

1:05:43

if she only chats through tarot cards, there

1:05:45

will probably still be times in my life

1:05:47

where I'm quite lonely. Yeah, but I would

1:05:49

also say, it's okay to

1:05:51

be alone sometimes. Yeah, but there are times where

1:05:53

I definitely don't want to feel like someone's in

1:05:55

the room, but imagine you could feel a warm,

1:05:57

gentle touch on your shoulder when you're feeling it.

1:06:00

I'm thinking of her. Edith just

1:06:02

wants to give her love and maybe finish

1:06:04

that last bit of family business. That's what

1:06:06

I'm, okay, this is, this is, no. Agri-phon?

1:06:08

We're not buying a grandmother. We're buying a

1:06:10

grandmother's secret and then she's gonna turn, her

1:06:12

business is done and she's gonna turn into

1:06:15

bits. And I think that you're buying it

1:06:17

hook, line, and sinker, my friend, because you

1:06:19

are dying to know the secret wish. I

1:06:21

just wanna jump back real quick to where

1:06:23

it says the smell of baking and that's

1:06:26

her way of saying hello. Yeah.

1:06:28

I'm gonna go home, I don't wanna brag. If

1:06:31

there is a smell of something.

1:06:34

Inexplainable? And I'm, the oven's

1:06:36

not on. Yeah. And

1:06:39

the stove's not on, but I can

1:06:41

smell something baking. I'm not comforting. No,

1:06:43

not gonna love that. That's not the

1:06:45

feeling I have. Are you ready to

1:06:47

welcome Grandma Edith and discover her dying

1:06:49

wish? They're not gonna say it in

1:06:51

here, right? Well, no, you

1:06:54

gotta pay for it. For sure, she's eager.

1:06:56

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. She's eager to become part

1:06:58

of your family and bring a sprinkle of

1:07:00

1940s charm to your home.

1:07:03

Thank you, Grandma. Remember, Edith

1:07:05

is all about warmth and

1:07:07

family. Open your heart

1:07:09

and she will surely reveal her long-kept

1:07:12

secret. Dammit. But then

1:07:14

she'll probably be gone. She'll disappear,

1:07:16

this is what I'm saying. I'm not gonna buy a

1:07:18

fucking one-shot grandma who's gonna

1:07:20

be like. Whatever,

1:07:23

whatever, whatever. I want a grandma

1:07:25

with replay value. Yeah. I'm

1:07:28

my own grandma, poof! No,

1:07:33

I want a grandma with New Game Plus.

1:07:35

Yeah, exactly. What if it's just a hot

1:07:37

take? What if she's just like, Godfather was

1:07:39

mid, goodbye. And

1:07:41

then you're like, wait, no, come back. What do you mean?

1:07:43

What do you mean? How is it mid? It's too late,

1:07:46

I'm going to hell. Come back. We're

1:07:52

gonna move on to the audience question

1:07:54

part of the program. You

1:07:56

all have sent in your queries. We have

1:07:59

selected some. We're going to call you down by

1:08:01

name and seat number. Please don't come

1:08:03

down if we don't call you. It'll be

1:08:05

awful for everyone in this room all at

1:08:07

once. So go ahead and come

1:08:09

on down if you want to tell us your name, if you

1:08:12

want to give us your pronouns, that would be amazing. And tell

1:08:14

us your question and then we'll answer them live

1:08:16

on stage. Hi, Ali. Hello.

1:08:19

How's it going? It's going great. How are you? Cool.

1:08:21

Pretty good. Yeah, good. I'm sure it's going good. Do

1:08:23

you like it so far? So great. I hope

1:08:26

later when I listen, I can hear myself

1:08:28

laugh. That's the fucking dream, right? Yeah.

1:08:30

I hope I can hear myself do.

1:08:33

It hasn't always happened. You do realize

1:08:35

now that you've been chosen to do

1:08:37

an audience question, it will be considerably

1:08:39

easier to find. Yes. OK.

1:08:42

So what's your question, Ali? Oh, this

1:08:45

year I watched all

1:08:47

of The Lord of the Rings for

1:08:50

the very first time. Nerd. Some

1:08:53

fans of Lord of the Rings, surprisingly.

1:08:57

Yes. And I thought, is it

1:08:59

too much if I dress up

1:09:02

like Legolas? For

1:09:04

the Renaissance festival. Yes. It's not

1:09:06

just for home use. Well, I mean,

1:09:09

if I had an everyday

1:09:12

outfit, I totally would.

1:09:14

But if I were EOL, E-D-L, E-D-L.

1:09:18

Is it everyday Legolas? Yeah. OK, got

1:09:20

it. Is it 2005 of me to do that? To

1:09:23

dress as Legolas at the rent fair, is what you're asking.

1:09:25

In the ripe year of 2024. I

1:09:29

would say it's better now. You might

1:09:31

be the only one, a few

1:09:33

Legolases. OK. Legolai. Legolai. Yeah. Legolai.

1:09:36

There'll be some. Yeah. He's like

1:09:38

the main elf, I think. I

1:09:40

think so too. It's him and

1:09:43

Hermey. I think if you dress up like

1:09:45

an elf and go to the rent fair, you

1:09:48

have to put on something else to

1:09:50

distinguish yourself as not Legolas. Actually, if

1:09:53

you're going to do it, you need

1:09:55

to be Legolas in cosplay as another

1:09:57

character. Legolas. As when Legolas would. I

1:10:00

would wear a lost leg. Dress up as Buddy

1:10:02

the elf from Elf. Yes. That would be

1:10:04

cool. That would be something. Oh, I like that.

1:10:06

OK, I'm going to do that. No, that wasn't sincere.

1:10:08

Oh, shit. Yeah, we know. Shut

1:10:10

up. We fixed it. We did it. We

1:10:12

did it. Yay. Yay. Yay.

1:10:14

Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

1:10:17

That's so legless dressed as

1:10:19

Buddy the elf. That's as far as we've gotten, but

1:10:21

it feels really strong. That'll kill. I think I can

1:10:23

do that. Great. Yeah, that'll slay for sure. Absolutely. Yeah,

1:10:25

you got it. All right. Thank you, Ally. Thank you.

1:10:28

I'm glad we could help. Hello.

1:10:32

Hello. How's it going? Good. Good. How are

1:10:35

you guys? Good. Pretty good. A little sweaty. OK.

1:10:39

Oh, my gosh. And

1:10:42

how are you? I'm good. I'm good. Thank you. Are you

1:10:44

feeling uncomfortable about the question that you sit in? Because it's

1:10:46

pretty good. It's pretty good. OK. We feel good about it.

1:10:48

Go ahead. OK. Don't be afraid. Here

1:10:50

with my lovely girlfriend, she loves the old

1:10:52

computer game Myst. Yeah. The

1:10:55

puzzles? Yeah. Yeah. Puzzle games. And

1:10:57

I'm pretty bad at puzzle games. I need

1:10:59

some help. OK. Yeah. Part of

1:11:01

to impress. Yeah. Miss. Miss is a

1:11:04

very challenging one. Yeah. Your question exactly

1:11:06

was. I think

1:11:08

your question was, how do I solve the

1:11:10

computer game Myst? Yeah. Yeah. Which

1:11:13

is, by the way, Jordan, this

1:11:15

is the most kick-ass way you could

1:11:17

possibly solve that question. We

1:11:20

actually. The amount of notes you would have

1:11:22

to take right now, and the amount we

1:11:24

would have to remember. No.

1:11:27

We fucking got this. No problem. The good

1:11:29

news is we have an expert

1:11:31

on hand, Clint McElroy. Clint, if you don't

1:11:33

mind. Oh. OK. So

1:11:38

if you could just tell dad

1:11:40

what you're stuck on. If you go puzzle by

1:11:43

puzzle where you're stuck. No, what? Just like where

1:11:45

you're stuck. And maybe dad can give you like,

1:11:47

don't spoil it, dad, but like a nudge. Yeah,

1:11:49

like a little nudge. Got it. I've

1:11:52

gone off the first island

1:11:55

onto the other island with like an

1:11:57

elevator and like a dungeon, and there's

1:11:59

like secret. Just sit in it. Don't

1:12:01

be like weird. Yeah. I know. Um...

1:12:08

It's very hostile. Things can feel different.

1:12:10

It's okay. You're okay. If you're uncomfortable,

1:12:12

that's because it's real. I'll have on

1:12:14

guard. I've made it back to

1:12:16

the original island. My girlfriend says I'm missing

1:12:18

really obvious things. I'm walking right past them.

1:12:21

What am I... What should I do to, like, find the obvious things

1:12:24

that I should notice in this game? Uh,

1:12:26

pay attention. It's a good one.

1:12:30

That's good. Look around. Yeah,

1:12:33

yeah, yeah. Observe. Okay.

1:12:35

Dad, how do you feel

1:12:37

about taking notes? Take a

1:12:39

lot of notes. Okay. Okay. If they

1:12:42

describe something, copy down every diagram. Okay.

1:12:45

Give up your life for probably six months. Okay.

1:12:48

You can also check YouTube. Okay. You

1:12:50

can find walkthroughs. Okay. Did you find the

1:12:52

letter on the rock? Yes.

1:12:55

Holy shit. You did not say that with

1:12:57

a lot of confidence. Did

1:12:59

you touch the blue book or the

1:13:02

red book in the library? Yes.

1:13:04

Don't touch the red book or

1:13:07

the blue book in the library!

1:13:11

It sounds like you've already fucked up already. Shit,

1:13:13

man. You might need to just go

1:13:15

right to Riven, my dude. Yeah. If

1:13:18

you see a handle, flip it. Okay.

1:13:20

That's everything, though, in life. Watch out

1:13:22

for the boss battle, though. Yeah,

1:13:25

where's the grenade? Is

1:13:30

there anything you're actually stuck on or are you

1:13:32

just being kind of lazy? Because there is internet

1:13:34

out there. You could Google it, but

1:13:37

you have a real living treasure here.

1:13:39

Yeah. For maybe the last...

1:13:41

We don't ever know. Go ahead. Anything...

1:13:45

Just mean tonight. Good! We

1:13:49

have another show tomorrow. What's wrong

1:13:51

with you? Thank you. Thank

1:13:54

you. I appreciate the help. Yes, I think

1:13:56

we've solved enough for you. Thank you. Great.

1:13:59

Thank you so much, Jordan. Everybody! I

1:14:04

believe in you, Jordan. You can do this. Jordan,

1:14:06

I just want to say, rarely do we have

1:14:08

someone in their own experience with us. It's huge,

1:14:10

we appreciate it. I love that, but yeah, I'm

1:14:13

actually done. Thank you very much. Thank you so

1:14:15

much, Jordan. Thanks, Jordan, appreciate you. Hello.

1:14:18

Hi, I'm Sarah. Hi, Sarah. I

1:14:21

see her. I submitted the question that I have a

1:14:23

few pets at home. One of them is a small

1:14:25

parrot, and when he's being particularly screamy during

1:14:27

my work day, I'll bring him down to hang out

1:14:30

with me, and I often forget on

1:14:32

video calls to warn other people, and

1:14:34

he just chestbursts like alien

1:14:36

right out of my sweat. You skipped a pretty

1:14:38

important thing. Yeah, you're burying

1:14:40

the lead a little bit. Detail, you said

1:14:42

bring him down. And

1:14:44

he likes to hang out inside my shirt.

1:14:46

Okay, so the parrot's in your shirt. Sorry,

1:14:48

everybody. And you're in a meeting with a

1:14:51

normal meeting. I'm in video calls a lot

1:14:53

of the day, and I often forget who

1:14:55

already knows that I have a bird that

1:14:57

likes to do this, and so I forget

1:14:59

to warn them, and then he just makes

1:15:01

an appearance, like a surprise magic trick, and

1:15:04

I've yet to find- Most magic tricks are

1:15:06

a surprise. That's true. Sarah, can I

1:15:08

just say, sometimes people come to us

1:15:10

and they ask us for shit that

1:15:12

they probably don't actually need help with,

1:15:14

but you do need to say something.

1:15:16

I do, I for sure do. You

1:15:18

need to say, yeah, this isn't one

1:15:20

of those, like, stop being so weird,

1:15:22

but yeah, you need to say something.

1:15:24

I can't see that and not know.

1:15:26

Because even if I'm in

1:15:28

this meeting, and this happens, I would

1:15:30

be happy, but it would

1:15:32

also completely derail- Whatever

1:15:35

is happening in that meeting, even if it was

1:15:38

wicked serious. Wait, why could

1:15:40

it be an HR manager

1:15:42

firing you, and that

1:15:44

happens, and I'm like, shut up, shut up,

1:15:46

shut up. Hey, what's up? Listen,

1:15:50

I would use it to your advantage. I wouldn't

1:15:52

tell, and then when the parrot pops

1:15:54

out, use that exact moment to be like,

1:15:56

and we want 20%. And

1:15:59

they'll be like- Whoa, okay, and

1:16:02

before they even thought about it, they're so taken aback by

1:16:04

the parrot They give you I'm assuming by the way everybody

1:16:06

the 20% is good for Sarah What

1:16:09

of like this? Normally they

1:16:12

get someone's offering to poison you 20%

1:16:15

or not It's

1:16:17

good in this case like it's a good thing They were gonna

1:16:19

give her 10% of the business

1:16:21

that she's buying yeah as long as it's more than what

1:16:23

they were offering Yeah, it's better than I said, they're like

1:16:25

I'll give you 50% Does

1:16:28

it talk it does it

1:16:30

says love you and peekaboo, but only when he

1:16:32

okay, that's huge for everyone

1:16:36

Wait, wait, wait, can you fit Sarah finish

1:16:38

what only when what only when he wants

1:16:40

my attention? Not when I want him to say

1:16:42

peekaboo Well, then you're gonna have to ignore him during

1:16:44

your business call So he pops out of your shirt and

1:16:46

goes pretty bro, cuz that's cool Train

1:16:49

him to say like objection Or

1:16:52

I'll work on that now Sarah This is important

1:16:54

How long do you think that you could ignore

1:16:56

the parrot when it was poking out of your

1:16:58

shirt? Because that would

1:17:01

be an amazing power play to just not

1:17:03

acknowledge it. This is an emoji This

1:17:06

is being generated by your spider. My dang

1:17:08

nephew did this he turned this on It

1:17:13

makes a parrot come out my dang why it's

1:17:15

not working now They

1:17:17

said your order I'm not a parrot to

1:17:19

a Mac they said you'll never have any

1:17:21

problems What's

1:17:24

your parents name? Petri? Time

1:17:26

gotta represent one. Yeah Is

1:17:29

he a good boy? He's a very good boy Does

1:17:33

he want a cracker Travis These

1:17:37

are important details that I need to know

1:17:39

I got a good actual answer to your

1:17:41

question Change your username

1:17:43

in zoom to Sarah parentheses

1:17:46

and maybe also a parrot

1:17:51

Sarah featuring a parrot question

1:17:53

mark baby. Oh man,

1:17:56

but you don't want someone to intermediate with

1:17:58

you disappointed That would be a

1:18:00

given if it went well. They're like, well, bye.

1:18:02

Well, hold on. Or the

1:18:05

worst case scenario, they prolong

1:18:07

a meeting artificially and make

1:18:09

you be on it longer. Sarah, let me

1:18:11

just give you this. You're

1:18:14

in a meeting and you've been brought into that meeting. You

1:18:16

don't wanna be there. This could have been an email. You're

1:18:18

gonna come in, you're gonna join the meeting like

1:18:21

three minutes late and you're gonna go, yeah, sorry,

1:18:23

I'm late. I ate these weird eggs. Yeah. Hold

1:18:25

on. For lunch, I don't know where

1:18:28

they came. It was so weird. Like a boa constricting.

1:18:30

It's probably nothing, it's probably nothing. And

1:18:32

then maybe nothing comes of it. But

1:18:34

then the parrot pops out. Yeah, it's gonna pay off.

1:18:37

And you just start screaming and turn off your camera.

1:18:39

But let me something about, yeah. The

1:18:41

sheer terror. But

1:18:44

Sarah, secretly, it's

1:18:46

actually way funnier if the parrot

1:18:48

never comes out and you gave

1:18:50

everyone a heads up about some eggs you just

1:18:53

ate. Oh. You introduce Chekhov's

1:18:55

eggs and you never pay off on

1:18:57

them. That's even better to me. This

1:19:00

is a win-win scenario, Travis. It's just a good

1:19:02

cause. And then you end up in a scenario

1:19:04

where you're like, people clocking, gently

1:19:06

pushing on your stomach. Gently

1:19:09

kind of wiggling. Go, hold on one

1:19:11

second, they'll do it. Wait, one second, wait, wait,

1:19:13

hold on, watch. Come on, come on, please. Yeah,

1:19:15

go! Do it, come on. That's

1:19:17

the best we're gonna do tonight.

1:19:20

It's incredible advice. Thank

1:19:22

you so much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. All

1:19:24

that helps. Hello.

1:19:29

Hi, how's it going? Hello, I'm

1:19:32

Valerie. Hi, Valerie. You're probably wondering

1:19:34

why we asked you here tonight, Valerie. I'm

1:19:36

nervous, I'm sweating. Am I gonna get fired?

1:19:39

No, you're good. Well, fired is a

1:19:41

strong word. Your

1:19:44

question, do you remember it? Did you send

1:19:46

in several or just the one?

1:19:48

I just sent in one. Fantastic, okay. What is

1:19:50

your question? I asked about

1:19:53

my, for advice on

1:19:55

office pranks because I was told I

1:19:57

was being too predictable. And I took

1:19:59

that. I took it very personally. You

1:20:03

said you had a reputation as a predictable

1:20:05

pranker, and I honestly just had an own

1:20:07

war. This

1:20:10

is one of the exact wording was, what

1:20:12

are some good office pranks to shed my

1:20:14

predictable prank reputation? Valerie, I will

1:20:16

be honest, I'm pretty sure the three of us

1:20:18

thought that you're the office prankster looking

1:20:21

to freshen up their game. Not that

1:20:23

people look at you and go, Valerie would

1:20:25

never prank. So

1:20:28

which one is it like you're doing the

1:20:30

same prank every day? It's not every day.

1:20:33

Well, some

1:20:35

of them. Hey, can I

1:20:37

tell you? Precision timing, but honestly, precision

1:20:39

timing. Valerie, if you're doing the same

1:20:41

prank Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 9.10 a.m.

1:20:45

It's not Thursday. That's actually worse. If

1:20:47

it's on Google Calendar, it's not a prank

1:20:49

anymore. Watch out for pranks.

1:20:51

Sometimes there's meetings. We gotta know, what is it?

1:20:55

I have several that I kind of rotate through.

1:20:58

Yeah, you do. Yes, they're

1:21:00

scheduled. I do like

1:21:03

I'll hide things on people's desks, certain

1:21:05

things, not like monitors. Fucking

1:21:07

Loki over here. Yeah,

1:21:09

like people's mice or like just

1:21:11

like random decorations. Sometimes I'll like

1:21:13

hide things underneath. Yeah. If

1:21:16

it gets knocked over, I'm like, oh, what's that? That's crazy. That's

1:21:19

good shit. Say you have a little skit

1:21:21

with us. Okay,

1:21:23

let's solve them one by one. Add things to

1:21:25

a desk. Go on. What's next? Add

1:21:28

things. Ooh, an inversion. There is one

1:21:30

prank that I do to the front desk guy

1:21:32

specifically, because there's like a small... Do

1:21:35

it to the back desk guy. Wait, listen, I

1:21:37

gotta hear the pranks. I'm more

1:21:39

interested in the pranks than what you have

1:21:41

to say, please. There's

1:21:44

always a small pyramid of tissue boxes

1:21:46

there that are available for the craft. Just

1:21:48

asking for it. You can just take it. And

1:21:51

he's always very particular about them. So I'll

1:21:53

just like bump him and I'll mess

1:21:55

with him. That's so mean, Valerie. Okay, Valerie, straight

1:21:57

up. I do. I

1:22:00

warned you, this is not a prank, it's bullying.

1:22:04

And it's amazing and it's so great, because

1:22:07

I didn't peg you as a bully and now I can see

1:22:09

the rotten core at your center. It's

1:22:11

full of hate. Yeah, you love the power, just

1:22:13

as you get it. Power play, you just bully

1:22:16

this nerd, it's great. I love to get it.

1:22:18

What's the next thing? I push my boss into

1:22:20

an open well. He's

1:22:24

the like ultimate predictable. I kidnapped my direct

1:22:26

supervisor's nephew. Every day. I'm holding him for

1:22:28

$25,000. Every

1:22:30

Wednesday I'm slitting tires. It's

1:22:32

fun, my last prank is scaring people and

1:22:34

it's only worked once. Like jumping out like,

1:22:36

rah. Yeah, I ran up to her, she

1:22:39

works next to me. I ran up

1:22:41

to her. Are you sort of podcast?

1:22:43

Okay. So you

1:22:45

want a fourth prank? I want, well,

1:22:47

I'll take three, one from each of you,

1:22:49

if possible. I'm really

1:22:51

trying to. All right, you're asking a lot. There's three

1:22:53

of you? You know what, you just come to

1:22:56

the joke wizards and been like, I want

1:22:58

three jokes, please. Wait,

1:23:00

this is, Valerie, this is so boring. How much do you like

1:23:02

your job? I

1:23:05

legally have to answer that question. No,

1:23:07

you don't have to legally answer that question. On

1:23:10

a scale of one, you're pulling the fire. You

1:23:12

answer that question. You

1:23:14

know what's a fun prank? Embezzlement. Listen.

1:23:23

Got it. The long con. Yeah,

1:23:25

that's an, you know what's a great prank, Valerie?

1:23:27

Just get on your fucking phone for a little

1:23:30

while. I'm not

1:23:32

actually allowed to. It's restricted in

1:23:34

my office. Oh my God, Valerie. You

1:23:36

have to start doing the pranks to yourself. Holy

1:23:40

shit. And then be like, what

1:23:42

the fuck, guys? This

1:23:45

is getting old, okay? I get

1:23:47

it. I'll freshen up my pranks and

1:23:49

then just keep doing it to yourself every

1:23:52

day, get increasingly mad. I

1:23:54

don't have a third

1:23:56

part. But

1:23:59

I... I am sure in the moment

1:24:01

something will come to you. Yeah. If

1:24:04

I keep escalating, I'll figure it out.

1:24:06

Can you cut a hole in the wall

1:24:08

that is in the exact shape of one

1:24:11

of your co-workers? To

1:24:14

what end? I could trot. Speak on

1:24:17

that, Griffin. I

1:24:19

just think it'd freak them the fuck out, man. The

1:24:22

co-worker's still there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:24:24

And you go, that's your hole. It's more like

1:24:26

a... It's more of a Junji

1:24:28

Ito way than a Looney Tunes way. Yeah.

1:24:35

Hey, maybe figure out a way to undo the

1:24:37

thing that restricts your phone. That's a

1:24:39

great prank. That's a pretty cool prank. That would

1:24:42

be leaving my job. Yeah,

1:24:44

so quit your job. I mean, do you want to be

1:24:46

a great prank person or not? You've

1:24:48

got to have your priorities straight. I'll tell you what, go back

1:24:50

to your seat. Think about your priorities, and

1:24:52

then we'll talk about later, all right? We've given you

1:24:54

so much, Valerie. Thank you so much. Thank you, Valerie.

1:24:57

Thank you, Valerie. Hello.

1:25:03

Hello. Hi, my name's Kai. My pronouns

1:25:05

are he, him, and unlike Valerie, I

1:25:07

love my job. Fuck

1:25:13

yeah. That's a good prank, Valerie. That's a

1:25:15

good prank, Valerie. I work

1:25:17

at the Build a Barrel workshop at the mall.

1:25:20

Yeah. Nice. Thank you,

1:25:22

thank you. And one of my favorite parts about

1:25:24

doing the job is like the heart ceremony, where you rub it

1:25:26

on your nose, so your friend knows you love them. Really good.

1:25:29

And your side, so they stay hip and by your side, all

1:25:31

that stuff. Yeah, yeah. But very

1:25:33

often in the mall, you'll just

1:25:35

hear like random screaming or crying and just a lot

1:25:37

of yelling out in the hallway. And every now and

1:25:39

again, we'd like take a pause from the heart ceremony

1:25:41

to pause. Sorry. That's... Anyway...

1:25:46

God, you are, I guarantee, the only human

1:25:48

being thinking about it, but now we all

1:25:50

are. All my coworkers. Everyone, always. Anyway.

1:25:52

But recently, a fight broke out that

1:25:54

was really, really bad in the mall.

1:25:58

And it was right outside the store. So, you know,

1:26:00

we take a pause to do the hearts and stuff, and

1:26:03

we have glass doors, so we close the glass

1:26:05

doors, and the fighting came up two doors, and

1:26:07

they got slammed against the wall and stuff. That's,

1:26:09

I mean, straight up, I hate to interrupt, but

1:26:11

that's like Fighting Tactics 101. Oh yeah,

1:26:13

for sure. So

1:26:16

we like move the customers away from the wall.

1:26:18

So it calms down, there's still like security and

1:26:20

stuff outside, but we had to go back and

1:26:22

be like, all right, take the

1:26:24

heart and shake it up in there, and it went different. Yeah,

1:26:26

yeah, yeah. And how

1:26:28

do we like fix that energy after? We're so like,

1:26:31

we sell, we don't sell bears,

1:26:33

we sell experiences. Yeah, all right. So they

1:26:36

got their bears for free in the end.

1:26:38

Straight up, if you only sold bears, the

1:26:40

price you charge is fucking wild. Of course

1:26:42

it's an experience. I

1:26:45

have such a great, great idea, Kai. You

1:26:47

need to take these kids and be like,

1:26:49

all right, no shit. Let's

1:26:52

go in the back room. Let's

1:26:54

go to where the magic really fucking

1:26:57

happens. You take them back

1:26:59

and you say, listen kids, now more

1:27:01

than ever, we gotta come

1:27:03

together. This

1:27:06

isn't some corporate bullshit. It's

1:27:11

all love, family. Like maybe this is

1:27:13

the time when you look at the

1:27:15

parents of the kids and you're like, listen, maybe

1:27:18

we were wasting our time with this. Maybe we

1:27:20

gotta get out there and fix what's going on

1:27:22

out there, y'all. Everybody grab a bear. Everybody get

1:27:24

a bear, let's go give them bears. They're not

1:27:26

gonna be angry anymore. I'm saying this,

1:27:28

man. Kids

1:27:32

want stuffies to love one or whatever,

1:27:34

but security's right there. If

1:27:36

you go, oh, now your bear's got

1:27:38

some extra fight in them to

1:27:40

protect the child. Yeah, no way,

1:27:43

hey, Trav, no one in the,

1:27:45

let me check room like that

1:27:47

at all. It was a

1:27:49

big thing. Give me a

1:27:51

warrior bear? Yeah. Wow, thank

1:27:54

you. A

1:27:57

distressing number of people just cheered for

1:27:59

what? My brother said, if there are

1:28:01

people coming in and they're fighting, they

1:28:04

slam up against the door, how often

1:28:06

does that happen? Just

1:28:08

the one time I assume Kai, right? How

1:28:14

bad are we doing folks? Because

1:28:16

in general, one time

1:28:19

while I was working. Okay, okay,

1:28:21

okay. Okay. Yeah. Now

1:28:23

you got a warrior bear. I don't know what else

1:28:25

to say. You gotta do a fight discount, I feel

1:28:27

like. They get them per... They get them

1:28:30

for free. The people who

1:28:32

were there when the fight happened. We're like,

1:28:34

okay. Kai, you just fucked the whole business

1:28:36

model. Yeah, because now I'm gonna be out

1:28:38

there like, did you hear what that guy

1:28:40

said? Oh my god. Yeah, I'm staging some

1:28:43

shit. Yeah, I've got plans for

1:28:45

this. One of us could go in and get a

1:28:47

bear and the other two could be like, dang it.

1:28:50

Gosh, I'm so mad at

1:28:52

you. Gosh, here it's on now. I

1:28:55

interrupted my jokes. What's

1:29:01

your favorite bear there? Oh,

1:29:04

we have a color block frog that we

1:29:06

had that sold out very quickly. Okay, good.

1:29:09

Hey, one time at Build-A-Bear, my son tried...

1:29:11

The sonic sound, I know. My

1:29:13

son tried to put the sonic sound in the Pikachu stuffy

1:29:15

and they wouldn't let... Would you have let that happen, Kai?

1:29:18

Nintendo, if they can

1:29:20

hear me, they're very, very specific. I

1:29:22

know, Kai, but would you do

1:29:25

me this fucking solid of giving me a

1:29:27

Pikachu that sounds like a sonic

1:29:29

sound? Hey, listen, we've broken free of our

1:29:31

corporate shackles. It's just human beings right now

1:29:33

and he wants this one thing. I'm

1:29:36

not Valerie, I love my job. That's

1:29:40

right, Kai, I'm wearing a wire. You

1:29:42

passed. Hey, Kai, can

1:29:44

I ask you a question? Did that help?

1:29:46

That did help. Thank you so much, Kai. All

1:29:48

right, thank you so much. Thank you. If

1:29:53

we could get the house light, it makes him

1:29:55

go away. To go down. There's too many people.

1:29:58

Goodbye, friends. Goodbye, everyone. Thank

1:30:00

you so much for coming. This kicks ass. Y'all are

1:30:02

amazing. This has

1:30:04

been so lovely. We've got some lovely

1:30:06

posters for sale outside. They were designed

1:30:08

by Kevin Budnick and they kick ass.

1:30:10

We signed a bunch of them, so maybe you'll get one

1:30:13

of those. My favorite thing, the

1:30:15

key around the Orca's neck is

1:30:17

the key to Travnation. Oh, that's

1:30:20

very good. It's not indicated in any

1:30:22

way in the poster, except Kevin Budnick

1:30:24

was like, Yeah, that's the key to Travnation.

1:30:26

Thank you all so much. Thank you

1:30:28

to the Pantages and its many ghosts

1:30:30

for having us here. Thank

1:30:33

you to Paul and Amanda

1:30:35

and Rachel, to our ASL interpreters

1:30:37

for the evening. Thank you so

1:30:39

much. Thank you

1:30:42

to Montaigne for the use of our theme

1:30:44

song, My Life is Better With You. Now

1:30:48

here's what we're going to do. We're

1:30:51

going to elevate a wish to fungalore.

1:30:54

Yes, exciting. We're

1:30:56

going to form sort of a sound bath

1:31:01

where we're going to raise up crescendo.

1:31:04

Do you want to sort of lead the choir

1:31:06

of the sound bath while someone else does the

1:31:09

wish? Yes, I thought Justin and I could lead

1:31:11

the sound bath. Yeah, you're right. Okay, that's cool,

1:31:13

cool, cool. And so we're going to build to

1:31:15

a crescendo, cut off, and then Griffin is going

1:31:17

to read the wish. And I know you're thinking,

1:31:20

what sound should I make? That's

1:31:22

up to you. Yeah, that's how it works in a

1:31:24

sound bath. You don't have to coordinate. So

1:31:26

Justin, let's move to the front. Okay. All

1:31:29

right. Don't fucking hug up

1:31:31

there. I'll lose my shit. Can

1:31:36

I give a pitch? I

1:31:56

wish mama Mia too had responded. the

1:32:00

lore in Mamma Mia 1. My

1:32:04

name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm

1:32:06

Griffin McElroy. Can't you get Square the

1:32:09

Lips? It's

1:32:30

better. It's better with you. By

1:32:33

me. Ahh. Ahh.

1:32:38

It's better with you.