Day after day my eyes burned with confusion and sleep deprivation, fear and vulnerability and LOVE, which for me turned into desperation to ensure safety and control. I wondered how I had fallen so hard from the baby Bunting ad? Why didn’t anyone tell me about these feelings of loneliness and fear? With the pressure I felt, I couldn’t even think rationally when I tried. Once all the visitors and relatives have come and gone, and when all the partners go back to work, mothers are left alone to find their way, a new way. 

Hormonal, sleep tortured and 100% responsible for the most fragile, absorbent, demanding, precious jewel and keeper of the future of the whole universe, I have no choice but to carry on. As it is only the love that I felt in my heart that could even hint at the possibility that I might get through the morning, the day, the night, the week, the month, the term, the semester, this year, these years! 

That enormous feeling that weighed on my heart was and still is love, it is not fear or anxiety it is just the most enormously intense unconditional love that will ever exist, and that new love was so unknown that it was only natural to be scared of it sometimes. With the ability to reproduce as a female mammal, I can only guess that it is perfectly normal to feel the feice instinct of a lioness with her cub. The feelings of protection for my offspring were truly feice. But in moments of quiet we can allow this little person to blinds us with their perfection completely taking control of our life, always and forever demanding their will over yours. Nothing forces you to be as present as a small child, at any moment they may wake, or express their dislike, as soon as you stop rocking, jiggling, swaying they will let you know, ripping you from your thoughts of past or future (usually what you should cook them for tea?) and ensuring our presence in their game, or the flower, the wind in the trees or the teeny steps of a ladybug. When you have nothing else to do getting caught in their wonder can be superbly glorious like basking in the sun, but sadly this natural mindfulness of a child is not looked upon so kindly in our productivity based and outcome expecting day to day of society. And when we compare the presence of our children with the expectations of our role as a player in this game of 2019 it can feel completely unachievable to allow the two mesh into your life. But even though your concerns are sincere, your sorrow has no cause. “The wise grieve not for the living or the dead” and neither should you. 

Be wise, do not grieve for the old life that appears gone for now, nor what seems like an enormous task ahead of you. Just be present with this new-found immense love, instead of being scared of this new feeling and this new life, try, just try to embrace it. Breathe deeply into to it and as you exhale, try to loosen it a little and with each breath your heart will grow bigger absorbing that love instead of trying to hold it up. Be kind to yourself, it’s a lot of feeling to endure, and carve out some quiet time for yourself to sit and breathe make it a non-negotiable part of your day. That intense feeling of love will eventually blend into your heart and it will carry you in to the next day and the next until you can look back and say I did it!  Because you have already done so much to arrive here now, and you know in your heart you can do it, you are already doing it . Push a side the fear of the unknown and step into the faith of realising this feeling is love.