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plan only. Separate registration required. See Walmart Plus terms

1:06

and conditions. Hello

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and welcome to the new Mindset Who

1:11

This podcast. My name is Case Kenny

1:13

at case.kenny.i Instagram. And this is my

1:16

weekly podcast where I create short, no

1:18

BS episodes dedicated to helping you become

1:20

the person you're meant to be. Move

1:23

your comfort zone and live a purposeful

1:25

and fulfilling life. Let's go. Alright,

1:54

welcome to episode 595. Hello

1:59

my friend. Welcome to a fresh new

2:01

episode of New Mindset Who This. As always,

2:03

thank you so much for listening. Thank you

2:05

for supporting me and today I want

2:07

to talk about what perhaps we all

2:09

need in some way. Not

2:11

necessarily in the most common way, which is

2:14

healing from a breakup, but perhaps in a

2:16

smaller way in regard to someone who hurt

2:18

you, a mistake you made in the past,

2:20

something your parents or family did

2:22

to you, something in your career or at

2:24

your job with a coworker or a friend,

2:27

you name it. And that thing

2:29

of course is closure. The thing

2:31

we all want in order to move forward. I

2:33

just want closure so I can move on with

2:35

my life. And that's what I want to

2:37

talk about today. I heard

2:40

my friend Jillian Turecki say this.

2:43

She's a fellow Miami resident and she said

2:45

this the other day. She said closure

2:47

is what happens when you move on. You

2:50

don't need closure to move on. Closure

2:52

is what happens when you move on.

2:55

Closure is the outcome of moving on. And

2:57

that's such a simple sentence, right? But it's

3:00

literally the issue we have in our lives

3:03

when we want to move on, when we

3:05

want closure is we have like an order

3:07

of operations issue here. And

3:09

that's what I think so many of us miss. We

3:12

want closure so we can move on. But

3:14

closure is what happens when we decide to

3:16

move on. We have it reversed and we

3:18

end up spinning our wheels as a result

3:21

because of this. We end up staying in place because

3:23

we're like, I need closure, then I can move on.

3:25

And so this is an episode to help

3:28

you move on because that is what

3:30

gives you closure. And again, I'm not

3:32

talking about only moving on from a breakup.

3:34

I think that's the most obvious example we

3:36

could think of, but I'm talking about moving

3:38

on from anything in your past, recent

3:41

or far away that still holds

3:43

you in some way and

3:46

from which you want closure. I'm talking

3:48

about closure from perhaps that resentment you

3:50

still feel towards your old boss who

3:52

chose your coworker over you for a

3:55

promotion. You don't work there anymore, but

3:57

you still feel that I'm talking about

3:59

closure. from a former friendship with

4:01

someone who just out of the blue

4:03

stopped reaching out to you, stopped responding

4:05

to you and you still hold that

4:07

what the heck happened in your heart.

4:09

I'm talking about closure for

4:12

you, closure from a mistake you made

4:14

in your past that you still blame

4:16

yourself full stop for and you still

4:18

feel that guilt and that blame about

4:21

you when you look yourself in

4:23

the mirror. Right? Closure. Closure from

4:25

past regret, from past blame or

4:27

confusion or frustration or relationship or

4:29

whatever. Closure is not

4:31

just a topic for romantic

4:33

relationships ending. It's also between

4:35

you and you. And

4:38

it's that point I think also that

4:40

keeps us trapped in thinking closure sets us

4:42

free when it's when in the reality it's

4:45

that you set yourself free and

4:47

that gives you closure because closure

4:50

is always always always about you.

4:53

But we don't make it about us. We always

4:55

make it about other people. The

4:57

moment we think that closure

4:59

is about someone else, the moment we

5:01

think it's about confronting them, getting them

5:04

to own up to the way they

5:06

hurt you or getting them to agree

5:08

with you, getting them to explain themselves,

5:10

getting them to explain why, getting

5:13

them to ask for forgiveness, the moment you do that,

5:15

whatever it is, that moment that

5:17

your focus is on them, you're giving

5:19

them power and you're taking it away

5:21

from you. When you rely

5:23

on someone else for your closure,

5:25

you're essentially waiting on permission to

5:27

move on, which prevents

5:29

you from doing so. The very thing that

5:31

we've decided here is actually what

5:33

gives you closure. Moving on is what gives

5:36

you closure. Closure doesn't help you move on.

5:38

It's the other way around. It's

5:40

like I wrote this quote down I saw on Instagram

5:42

the other day. It's one of those viral ones. It

5:44

says, imagine being bit by a

5:46

snake and instead of trying to help yourself

5:49

heal and recover from the poison, you try

5:51

to catch the snake to find out the

5:53

reason it bit you and to

5:55

prove to it that you didn't deserve that. It's

5:58

kind of such an eye-opening. quote, but

6:01

that is how we go about closure.

6:04

And obviously great analogy, but it shows

6:06

how backwards we have it. So let's

6:08

start there. Let's agree what

6:10

does not give you closure. Let's start right there.

6:13

Someone acknowledging the way they hurt you. That

6:15

does not give you closure. Someone telling you why they

6:18

hurt you. That does not give you closure. Getting

6:20

someone to agree that you deserve better. That

6:22

does not give you closure. None of that

6:25

does. Someone owning up, someone taking responsibility, someone

6:27

agreeing with you, someone giving you clarity or

6:29

insight into why. That does not

6:31

give you closure. That is you

6:33

asking them for permission to move on.

6:37

And while that certainly will feel a bit

6:39

vindicating, of course, and a little bit like

6:41

justice, someone realizing that they messed up and

6:43

that they're a bad person, whatever, I can't

6:45

argue with that. It does feel good. It

6:48

doesn't fix anything. If someone

6:50

broke you in a way, them

6:52

acknowledging it does not fix it. It doesn't

6:55

change the facts. It just detracts from your

6:57

energy. It distracts you. But

7:00

again, that's how we're wired, I think.

7:02

Don't you agree? We're so

7:04

naturally focused on other

7:07

people, the other person, the other person

7:09

in this two person dance

7:11

when it comes to closure. We want to

7:13

know why from their point of view. Why

7:15

would this person do this to me? Why,

7:17

why, why? We want to know why. And

7:21

we also want them to say it. And

7:23

again, I think that's fair human instinct, I

7:25

suppose. I suppose that's

7:28

fine. But we need

7:30

to become resolute in acknowledging that

7:32

that focus distracts us from what

7:35

I think is the key to moving on

7:37

and giving yourself closure, which is acceptance. Acceptance

7:41

is closure, truly. Closure

7:43

isn't about getting answers from someone else.

7:45

It's about accepting that some questions will

7:48

go unanswered for quite some time. That

7:51

acknowledgement is what allows you then to say, okay,

7:54

okay, I'm going to step forward. That

7:56

is what allows you to step forward into your next

7:59

chapter, acknowledging answer questions. That is

8:01

what allows you to do that acceptance. True

8:04

closure is an inside job.

8:06

It really is. It's deciding you don't

8:08

need the why to begin writing your

8:11

what's next, your next chapter. You don't

8:13

need it. And once you

8:15

make that decision, moving on is so much

8:17

easier. It starts with acceptance. Replace

8:20

why with acceptance.

8:22

The why will come with age and with time

8:24

and with wisdom, but you don't

8:27

need it right now to start the process of

8:29

moving on. You don't need it

8:31

to start to move on. And then eventually

8:33

you'll look back and you'll realize you

8:35

didn't find closure in the form

8:37

of an apology or some explanation

8:40

from someone you created for yourself

8:42

in deciding that the what of

8:45

that previous relationship is now

8:47

what you deserve. And it's that simple. Some

8:50

analogies I wrote here drive this home. Waiting

8:53

for someone else to give you closure

8:55

is like waiting for a train at

8:57

an abandoned train station. You'll get far

8:59

quicker if you start walking on your own.

9:02

Closure is like closing a book without needing to

9:04

read the last page. If you read a lot

9:06

of books, right, the story kind of ends before

9:08

the final chapter or the final paragraph. And

9:11

that's okay. You're not missing anything. Right? That

9:13

is the acceptance I'm talking about here. We're

9:15

not labeling it. We don't even need to

9:17

need to use the word closure here. But

9:20

all we're saying is we don't need to know why right now. That

9:22

is acceptance. But to

9:25

my point earlier, like I get it, it's

9:27

human nature to want clarity. We

9:29

kind of see clarity as this like

9:31

springboard from which we can step off

9:33

and propel us forward with higher standards

9:35

and boundaries. And I'll never look back.

9:38

That's kind of how we see closure.

9:40

We think it's this thing that will

9:42

help make sense of senseless things. And

9:44

it will be the spark for reinvention.

9:47

But as with so

9:49

much of our mindfulness practice here on

9:52

the podcast, with age

9:54

and with awareness and with patience, we

9:56

can come to realize that true healing,

9:59

true closure. It comes from

10:01

letting go. It does not come from

10:03

understanding. It took me a long

10:05

time to realize this. True closure comes from

10:07

letting go, not from understanding. True

10:10

closure comes from, it starts

10:12

with, at least, acceptance. It

10:15

starts with acceptance. Not hearing why, not

10:17

being on the same page, not accepting

10:19

an apology. It starts with acceptance. So

10:22

this is just a quick episode to encourage you. Whatever

10:26

closure you're circling in your life that you want,

10:29

give yourself permission to move

10:31

forward without the why. The

10:34

road to healing, the road to closure,

10:36

it starts with stepping forward, not

10:39

with the answers in hand

10:41

to old questions. Closure

10:43

isn't like the moment you understand why

10:45

something happened and you're like, aha, I

10:47

have closure. Closure is

10:49

what happens in the moment you accept that

10:52

it happened and you choose to step forward

10:54

anyway. That's you deciding that

10:56

you're not going to wait for someone to fix what

10:58

they broke. Instead, you're just going

11:00

to build something new yourself. That's the real

11:02

essence of moving forward. And thus, that is

11:05

closure. So really, when I think of

11:07

closure, I do think of a spark of sorts. I

11:09

think of a catalyst. I think of

11:11

energy that you give yourself. That's

11:13

you getting up, not sitting back, not

11:16

thinking and thinking and thinking. I consider

11:18

closure to be an act. I

11:20

think a lot of time we think of closure as like

11:23

emotional healing. And

11:25

sure, of course, it's partly that,

11:28

but for most of the most part, I think

11:30

of it as a bold step forward action verbs.

11:32

It's not just sitting in

11:34

your fields and continuing to examine them.

11:37

That's the start, of course. But at

11:39

some point, it has to be about strength

11:41

and moving forward. It's

11:43

not about waiting around for someone to tell you

11:45

why they hurt you. That won't

11:47

fix you. You don't need to hear why someone decided

11:49

you weren't right for them or good enough for them.

11:52

That won't fix you. All that does is

11:54

shift the focus from where it needs to be

11:56

you back to them. So

11:59

the catalyst. list here specifically is

12:01

walking away from why, why, why,

12:03

why, why? And shifting it

12:06

to what? Away from

12:08

why they hurt you and

12:10

to what you actually deserve, which

12:13

even if you struggle to articulate that I can

12:15

tell you that it will pretty much always be

12:17

the opposite of what they did. So

12:19

start there, tell yourself a story of

12:21

what you deserve instead of asking yourself

12:23

why they hurt you, why would they

12:25

do this and so on. Just start

12:28

there, start with what? Start with what

12:30

you deserve. One of

12:32

these two things focuses on

12:34

the future, the other on the past.

12:37

One keeps you in their orbit, kind of

12:39

tied down by their gravity. The

12:41

other encourages you to step forward, which

12:43

is acceptance, which is close. Hey,

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real quick, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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extenders at additional charge. So, you

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know, sometimes I've learned, closure is

14:30

as simple as the story you

14:32

tell yourself. It's

14:34

the story you tell yourself just to get

14:36

by. Whatever you need to tell yourself to

14:38

keep living and keep moving. Sometimes

14:41

it's that simple. It's not about

14:43

the truth that they give you, the why

14:45

that they give you. It's about the peace

14:47

you create for yourself to keep you moving

14:49

forward. It's not about the

14:51

truth they give you. It's about the peace you create.

14:54

And that starts with the story. So, what

14:56

is the story? Replace why

14:58

with what? Answer

15:01

that question for yourself. Put yourself in a

15:03

headspace of moving forward, not staying in place.

15:05

Create a story that says, that doesn't say why,

15:08

it says what now. Right?

15:11

What now? And perhaps just by nudging yourself

15:13

to think forward, to think about what you

15:15

deserve and what you want and what now,

15:18

what are we going to do now? You

15:21

realize that the pain of staying

15:23

stuck, the pain of waiting and

15:25

wanting clarity, that pain is

15:28

so much greater than the pain of letting

15:30

go, of acceptance. And perhaps

15:32

that shows you that this idea of

15:34

closure is a choice. It's

15:36

a decision. It's an affirmation that you and only

15:39

you can make. It's like choosing

15:41

to say, I'm going to heal before

15:44

you even know what medicine you need to take. That

15:47

I think is the real trick to closure. It's not

15:49

about waiting until everything makes sense. Closure

15:52

isn't finding a, you know, a neatly

15:54

tied up story ending. It's

15:56

about creating your own beginning. And

15:58

eventually that ending becomes clear. But it's

16:01

about it's like reversing the order of operations

16:03

here You're thinking about the beginning before you

16:05

have a clear sense of the ending. It's

16:07

about kick-starting that a catalyst It's a

16:09

spark. It's about focusing on the steps

16:11

that you can take right now Rather

16:15

than the steps that were taken against you

16:17

It's they're just acknowledging so often that we

16:19

hold on to this need for closure Because

16:22

we think it's the ticket to our future right

16:24

I need closure then I can move on but

16:26

really it's just like a it's a Baggage it's

16:29

a suitcase of our past that we're carrying

16:31

around with us Throughout

16:33

that for an analogy right we could put

16:35

that down and step forward And I

16:38

think when you see yourself as your

16:40

own catalyst for closure not them nothing

16:42

they can offer know why Instead

16:45

of them and instead of why and instead

16:47

of clarity you then become your own author

16:49

and you can write whatever you want You

16:52

can write whatever you want instead of waiting for someone

16:54

else to provide you with the closure you seek or

16:56

the ending to the previous Chapter you start

16:59

writing the next chapter without them.

17:02

This is a shift in perspective, and I think it's really

17:04

powerful Because it means you Specifically

17:07

you you stop letting past hurt

17:09

define your present and dictate your

17:11

future you decide that there's no

17:14

apology no explanation None

17:16

of that is needed none of that is necessary for

17:18

you to proceed with your life That's

17:21

freedom. You're not held down by anything.

17:23

It's empowerment. It's choosing to liberate yourself

17:25

from Waiting and

17:27

instead you start walking toward a future

17:29

that you decide is what you deserve

17:32

The the journey to true closure of course

17:34

can take a long long time For

17:37

you can look back at that chapter and say here's how

17:39

it ended and here's why it ended But

17:41

regardless the process of doing that it

17:44

involves taking that first step forward It

17:47

certainly involves embracing your feelings, but

17:49

it involves embracing them without allowing them to

17:51

overwhelm you You acknowledge the

17:53

pain you learn from it, and

17:56

you gently let it go this does not

17:58

mean you're forgetting it It doesn't mean you're protected it

18:00

never happened, none of that. It

18:02

simply means viewing your past with compassion,

18:05

but deciding to move forward.

18:09

And I think when you seek closure through others,

18:11

as so many of us do, you're giving away

18:14

all of that power. All the power

18:16

we're reviewing here. True

18:18

healing, true empowerment really comes

18:20

when you reclaim yourself by

18:22

finding and creating closure on

18:24

your own terms. So that's the episode

18:26

here. You're focusing less on

18:29

them, less on the question of

18:31

why something happened, and more on

18:33

what you can do next. What

18:36

strengths have you discovered within yourself? Closure

18:38

is not about waiting for someone else

18:40

to give you your peace, it's about

18:42

finding and creating peace in

18:44

the understanding that sometimes the

18:47

only resolution that matters is the one you

18:49

find within yourself. So

18:52

that's it under right here. I hope this

18:54

gave you something to think about. If it

18:56

did, I'd be so grateful if you'd share

18:58

the episode with a friend or just send

19:00

them the link to the podcast on Apple

19:02

Podcast or Spotify. Thank you so much for

19:04

doing that. I appreciate it. But that is

19:06

it. As always, thank you so much for

19:08

listening. Thank you for supporting me. And until

19:11

next episode, I'm out.

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